Grieving the loss of a loved one at any time of year is difficult, but holidays can be particularly difficult. While Halloween isn’t perhaps the most family-oriented holiday, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, it can still bring out complicated emotions. In many ways, Halloween can trigger grief in its own unique way. Let’s discuss 3 ways Halloween can trigger grief and what you can do to minimize the effects.
3 Ways Halloween Can Trigger Grief
Grief Trigger #1: The Imagery
While it’s usually meant in good fun, Halloween does lean heavily on dark and death-centric imagery. Tombstones, ghosts, grim reapers, the color black, witches, mummies, and the like all ground the holiday firmly in death and its cultural associations. For those who are grieving, the consistent reminders of death everywhere they go and the way the decorations often make light of the reality of death could be a grief trigger.
Grief Trigger #2: The Focus on Fear and Death
Halloween is undeniably focused on fear and death with candy and costumes mixed in. After all, many people celebrate the holiday by watching scary movies, going to haunted houses, or decorating their home with gravestones and ghouls. For those who have recently lost a loved one, fear and death are not figurative; they are real. Halloween’s focus on these two topics may only intensify feelings of grief in the bereaved and make them feel at odds with society and possibly friends or family.
Grief Trigger #3: Reminders of a Lost Loved One
Just as with any holiday, there can be aspects of Halloween that trigger memories of the person who has died. Did they love Halloween? Did you find their last costume in the closet? Were they in charge of this year’s family costume? Missing out on cherished traditions can bring grief to the surface. For the grieving parent, there’s no Halloween costume to design for a beloved child this year. For the best friends who always sat down to watch the film Hocus Pocusevery year, there’s now a missing piece of the holiday, which causes sadness to surface.
Now that you know these 3 possible grief triggers, what can you do to prepare yourself to face them throughout the Halloween season?
What Can You Do to Prepare Yourself for Halloween Grief Triggers?
Consider Skipping Halloween This Year
While you can’t escape Halloween entirely, you can choose to personally skip the holiday this year. Avoid the section of the store where all the decorations are displayed. If you get a party invitation, choose not to attend. Set aside your costume-making skills for now. There’s nothing wrong with saying no, especially if it’s not going to benefit you. Listen to your feelings and do what is best for your emotional health and your grief journey.
Swap in Light-Hearted Activities
While other people are watching scary movies or experiencing jump-scares at a local haunted house, instead choose to focus on more light-hearted activities. Watch your favorite comedies. Go watch local improv theater. Bring peaceful colors and light into your home. While outside may be cemeteries and cobwebs, your home can be a haven from the grief triggers beyond your door.
Engage With Your Grief
If you are dealing with negative emotions and grief triggers around Halloween, take time out for self-care and to process your emotions. You can unpack your grief by talking with a trusted friend or writing down your feelings in a journal. You could also use your creativity to paint or build something that puts your grief into perspective or honors your loved one’s memory.
Look for Ways to Honor Your Loved One’s Memory
Whether you choose to participate in Halloween or not, you can look for ways to remember your loved one. Did they do a Halloween Fun Run? Participate in their honor. Did they always dress up as a character from The Office? Make your own costume in remembrance. There are so many things you can do to remember a loved one’s life and bring a little peace and comfort to your own heart.
Visit Your Loved One’s Final Resting Place
There are many benefits to visiting a loved one’s grave, especially that it provides a place to connect with your loved one. While you can visit the graveside any time of year, it may be meaningful to do so when the connection between life and death is so culturally strong. Holidays like All Souls Day and Dia de los Muertos (both immediately following Halloween) focus on remembering loved ones. Instead of leaning into the cultural norms of Halloween, focus on the act of remembrance instead.
As you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for Halloween, may these suggestions help you navigate the complexities of your grief and find a way to honor your loved one’s life and memory at every time of year.
Today, we live fast-paced lives focused on instant gratification, immediate responses, and constant stimulation. We fill our minds with a barrage of entertainment and distract ourselves with our devices. In such an environment, moments of silence are increasingly rare, and may even feel uncomfortable.
For many, having a funeral and honoring the sacred space of mourning feels foreign or inconvenient. We resist the idea of slowing down because if we slow down, we risk thinking about our own mortality, something we desperately wish to avoid. But despite our best efforts to minimize its impact, the funeral does matter. Let’s talk about why.
4 Reasons Why a Funeral Matters
1. A funeral encourages us to respect the beauty of life
No matter how much we want to hide from it, avoid it, or try to get around it, death isn’t convenient. It’s painful. It forces us to consider the transience of life. It forces us to face our emotions. Dealing with death and loss is not supposed to be convenient or efficient. It takes time and intentionality to deal with death in a healthy way.
Going back to the earliest historical records, human beings have been using the funeral (in its various forms) to honor and remember the lives of loved ones. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or exhausting, but the service should give mourners time to reflect and grieve. With every life that is honored at its passing, we reaffirm the beauty and sanctity of life and the living.
2. A funeral brings emotions to the surface and reduces the risk of complicated grief
If grief isn’t expressed at a time of loss, it has a way of coming back around later, sometimes with a vengeance. In some cases, unresolved grief can lead to complicated grief or even depression. Both of these mental health concerns are serious and require the assistance of a licensed mental health professional to overcome.
While ignoring grief may save you from short-term pain, it’s harmful in the end. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief educator and counselor, says:
“The pain of grief will keep trying to get your attention until you unleash your courage to gently, and in small doses, open to its presence. The alternative—denying or suppressing your pain—is in fact more painful. If you do not honor your grief by acknowledging it, it will accumulate and fester. So, you must ask yourself, ‘How will I host this loss? What do I intend to do with this pain? Will I befriend it, or will I make it my enemy?’”
By attending a funeral, memorial, or some type of service following the death of a loved one, you give yourself and other mourners a chance to release what’s pent up inside. When grief is allowed to be expressed in its proper time, complications tend to be reduced or alleviated.
3. A funeral provides the opportunity to say goodbye
In addition to reminding us about the sanctity of life and encouraging us to express ourselves, the funeral matters because it provides an opportunity to say goodbye. As human beings, we need some form of closure – some way to say goodbye and “I love you, I miss you” to those we have loved and lost.
The funeral provides an avenue for both family and friends to have that final opportunity to say what needs to be said, to see that special person’s face one more time, and to close the door on a beautiful chapter of life as they turn the page to see what the future holds. We all need to say goodbye, so we can face the challenges and changes of tomorrow.
4. A funeral honors a loved one’s life and says they matter
And lastly, the funeral matters because your loved one’s life matters. Whether you do something simple or something elaborate, take time to celebrate who your loved one was. What did they enjoy doing? What were their lovable quirks? What did they mean to you? What are your favorite memories?
So, what does all this mean? It means take time to slow down. Make time to mourn. You deserve the chance to express and work through your feelings. And your loved one deserves to have their life remembered and honored in a personal way.
While confronting death head-on can feel uncomfortable, respecting the dead makes us stronger people. We find greater resilience and the ability to navigate through the difficulties of life. At the funeral, we mourn. We come together and remember. In many ways, we forget our differences and heal old wounds. We honor sacred space and time, and we grow as individuals and as a society.
And remember, every funeral will look different. You can work with a trusted funeral professional to choose the type of service that best meets your loved one’s wishes and your family’s emotional needs. Whether that’s a formal Mass, a memorial service with cremated remains present, a graveside service, a celebration of life, or some other type of service entirely, the funeral matters because it helps you meaningfully honor, remember, and celebrate a unique person you deeply love.
After losing someone you love, you may experience a range of emotions, including sadness, confusion, disbelief, and perhaps even anxiety. But how do you know if you are experiencing normal grief or the beginnings of depression? Let’s talk about it.
What is Normal Grief?
Put simply, grief is your natural human response to the loss of someone or something you love. The emotions of grief vary greatly, but they are all normal responses to loss. As much as you may prefer not to feel or deal with these types of emotions, they are a healthy part of the grieving process.
The initial period of time just after a loss, when your emotions are unpredictable and you can’t concentrate on anything but the loss, is called acute grief. It’s the hard beginning of loss. However, in most cases, you soon move into integrated grief. This means that you have learned to accept the reality of the death, have found ways to cope and adapt to your new way of life, and have begun to hope again, finding renewed meaning and purpose in life. Moving from acute grief (initial feelings of loss) to integrated grief (a reconciliation to the loss) is a natural progression through the grief journey.
However, for some people, complications may arise, leading to either complicated grief or depression. (Click here to learn more about complicated grief.) But what is depression, how does it differ from grief, and how do you recognize it?
What is Depression?
According to the American Psychological Association, depression is “extreme sadness or despair that lasts more than days. Depression is the most common mental disorder. Fortunately, depression is treatable.”
In every source you look at, depression requires a diagnosis and does not appear to have an identifiable cause. It is a mental health concern that requires the assistance of a medical professional to diagnose and treat. This makes it quite different from grief – which is the emotional response you have to a loss – but how can you tell which is which? To help, let’s discuss symptoms to look out for with both grief and depression.
What Are the Symptoms?
To help you identify the difference between grief and depression, here’s a chart outlining similarities and differences between the two.
Who’s Susceptible to Grief & Depression?
Grief
Every person on the planet is susceptible to grief and should consider it a healthy and natural response to loss. So, if you are experiencing grief, consider it good even when it doesn’t feel like it. Experiencing grief means that you are reacting normally to a death or other significant loss in your life. When you try to shut down or shut out grief, that’s where problems can arise. Instead, by facing the emotions you feel and the circumstances before you, you can begin to process what’s happened and take back some of the control you lost following the loss.
Depression
While anyone can experience depression, there are certain factors that increase the odds. (Note: These factors do not make depression inevitable; they just make you more susceptible.)
According to the World Health Organization, these factors include a history of abuse, severe losses in life, traumatic events, genetics, certain medications, age, and even gender. Women are more likely than men to experience depression, and there’s a higher percentage of depression in adults ages 60+. Again, anyone can experience depression at any point in their life, but if you fall into any of these specific categories, make sure you are honestly evaluating yourself when difficult events arise in your life. Identifying the early stages of depression will help you address it and move forward more quickly.
Should You Seek Help?
Grief
Most of the time, when you’re dealing with normal grief, you may be able to process through it on your own or with the help of friends and family. However, you know yourself best. If it would be best for you to talk things through with a grief therapist, do it! Do what needs to be done to help you work through the loss and avoid developing complicated grief and/or depression.
To help you do the work of grief and learn how to move forward after a loss, check out these helpful resources:
If you suspect (even a little bit) that you may be experiencing depression, make an appointment with your doctor. In order to treat depression, you must work closely with mental health professionals to ensure you receive the best care. Depression is not something you can treat on your own; you will need help.
Your mental health professional will work with you to try out the treatments that work best for your personality and convictions. No treatment is undertaken without your consent, so you will have a say in which methods are utilized to help you conquer depression.
In addition to seeking treatment, here are additional coping strategies you can implement:
Stay in touch and socialize with friends and family
Be physically active
Face your fears; don’t avoid difficult things but work through them
Minimize or cease alcohol consumption
Eat a healthy, balanced diet
Stick to a routine that encourages good habits
Ask for help when you need it
Limit or set boundaries on things that deepen your feelings of depression
What Can Family and Friends Do to Help?
With depression, the best option is to speak with a professional, who can act as a guide through the entire journey toward recovery.
However, family and friends can do something to help!
If you are a friend or family member, offer your full and loving support to the person dealing with depression. Be there to talk. Be encouraging. Bring small gifts or tokens of your love. Actively listen and don’t interrupt. Plan positive activities, like taking a walk or doing something they’ve always enjoyed.
The depressed person doesn’t need you to try to fix them; they need you to accept them where they are right now. Be there for them. Realize that depression is difficult for both of you and the road to recovery may be long and difficult. But it is achievable! When we do the work, we can find a way to reconcile ourselves to loss and find new hope and meaning for the future.
Starting in the mid-1800s, there was a shift in funeral care. This shift was mainly due to the influence of Queen Victoria’s mourning practices on the Western World and the rise of embalming after the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln. The expectation for funerals came to include embalming, a viewing and visitation, service, funeral procession, graveside service, as well as a headstone.
While many people today still choose a traditional funeral as outlined above, things have changed in the last 150+ years. Now, funerals aren’t one-size-fits-all. You get to make more choices regarding how you want your life remembered and celebrated.
So, let’s talk about 5 key ways that you get to choose what’s right for you.
1. Choose Your Service
One way you can customize the funeral to fit your needs and personality is by choosing the type of service you want. For example, would you like a traditional funeral service? Or perhaps you’d prefer a memorial service after cremation has taken place? Would you like a viewing or a visitation? If so, would it be a private event or a public event? Alternatively, you might prefer to have your ashes scattered in a special place by the people closest to you.
While the options mentioned above are for the sake of example, you can talk with your family and a trusted local funeral home to better understand all of the possibilities. Then, with that information in hand, you can put your funeral plans in writing so that your loved ones know exactly how to honor your life after you’re gone.
For more resources on the types of services you could select, check out the articles below:
The two most common forms of final disposition in the United States are burial and cremation. While there are pros and cons to each, the choice is up to you. With burial, you can choose traditional burial with or without embalming, or you can opt for green burial. Similarly, with cremation, you can choose cremation by heat or by water.
When deciding which to choose, make sure you consider your family’s needs and your own personal convictions. For example, someone who wants to leave a smaller environmental impact could choose green burial or water cremation, the two options with the smallest footprint. However, if having a viewing is essential to your family or religious needs, you might choose have one before burial or cremation takes place. It’s entirely up to you and your family.
A few lesser used forms of disposition are burial at sea, recomposition burial (only available in select states), or body donation to science. For more information about all of these forms of final disposition, check out the resources below:
Next up is choosing your final resting place. Not only can you personally choose the cemetery, but you also decide what kind of placement you want. With burial, you could opt for a single or double plot, a mausoleum, or even an above-ground crypt, to name a few. The cemetery may even have options like choosing a plot near a pond, a bench, or a lovely view.
On the other hand, with cremation, you could choose placement in a columbarium, a glass-front niche, scattering (at a cemetery or a special place), or even urn burial. Depending on the cemetery, there may be other options available. And if you are a veteran, there are national and state veteran cemeteries to consider as well as veterans’ burial benefits.
For more information about choosing a final resting place, check out the resources below and start talking with cemeteries in your area. You can consider the options available at each one and decide which works best for you.
Personalization is perhaps the best way to create a truly unique final tribute. Special touches and custom details tailor the service to tell the story of your particular life and its events. There are so many ways to personalize the funeral. Just think – weddings, birthday parties, anniversary celebrations, they all look different because they are custom to the people being celebrated. The same personalization can be true for any funeral or memorial service.
When adding meaningful details, there are a number of things to consider. You could add personalized music, readings, symbols, actions, or choose a unique location. You could also include photos, a memorial tribute video, or serve the deceased’s favorite foods at the reception.
The options are truly endless, so check out these resources and then discuss personalization with a trusted funeral director. They will brainstorm with you, discuss the possibilities, and work to make them a reality.
One important aspect of the funeral that’s in your hands is cost. While you can’t control the cost of materials, merchandise, and services, you do get to decide which ones you want. The Federal Trade Commission requires that every funeral home have a General Price List that outlines all of their services and merchandise. With this list, you can pick and choose what you want and ensure that the cost of the funeral stays within your budget.
Plus, at a good funeral home, the staff will work with you to create a personalized plan that fits your needs. So, go to the funeral home with a realistic range of what you are willing to spend on a service, and they will work with you to honor that. If they push you toward the most expensive options, that’s a warning sign that you should find another funeral home to partner with.
And one final thing that must be included is the importance of writing down your wishes once you’ve made decisions. It doesn’t do your family any good if you’ve decided what you want but never communicate it. Thankfully, planning ahead (also known as preplanning or advance funeral planning) is very common and can take an incredible weight off your family’s shoulders. Simply make an appointment at your chosen funeral home to get started. With your funeral plans written down, your family will have a roadmap to understanding what you want. Otherwise, they may be left scrambling after the loss, not sure what to choose.
Also, if you wish, you can pay in advance or set up a funeral insurance policy to cover the total cost. Alternatively, you can set aside funds in your personal accounts or use a life insurance policy. However, keep in mind, setting aside enough funds may be difficult due to rising costs and inflation. And with life insurance policies, funds may not be available for 6-8 weeks. This means your family may need to pay out of pocket for any funeral services and be reimbursed later.
To learn more about the benefits of planning ahead and how to pay for a funeral, check out the resources here:
By writing down your funeral wishes, you can communicate your personalized preferences to those you love. And with that information, they can make sure that your final tribute isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s the size that uniquely fits YOU.
Oftentimes, we may only think about grief’s impact on our own personal lives, our family members, or our closest friends. But grief can enter other places we inhabit – like the workplace. If you’re a manager or are paying attention to your co-workers’ moods and habits, at some point you will likely see a colleague struggling with grief. If this happens, you may feel unsure about how you can help. Here are a few suggestions for how to appropriately express support to a grieving colleague in the workplace.
Tip #1: Be Patient
If you are a manager, being patient with your grieving employee is particularly important. On average, Americans receive 3-4 days of bereavement leave in the aftermath of a loss. After this short period of time, employees are expected to return to work and fully engage in their assigned tasks. However, the stress of losing a loved one and returning to work so quickly may feel overwhelming. In a study on grief’s effects on job performance, 75% of participants claimed they experienced concentration difficulties that extended beyond the period of paid leave.
If you notice that a direct report isn’t adjusting well after a loss, you may want to consider providing more paid leave. If this isn’t an option, make sure he or she feels safe and comfortable in the work environment. Be patient with the employee, communicate your sympathy, and consider temporarily reassigning any tasks or projects that require a high level of creativity or energy.
If you are a co-worker, also try to extend patience and kindness to the grieving person. If they forget a few things or seem to be unfocused, bring them back to the task at hand with kindness.
Tip #2: Say Something
One of the most discouraging things about grief is that people tend to shy away from the person who is sad. This reaction is problematic because hurting people need support from those around them.
If you don’t know what to say to a colleague, be honest about your uncertainty, and consider communicating something like this: “I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry for your loss. If you need anything or if I can help with (fill in the blank), let me know.”
Try to be specific in your offer to help, especially if you can take point on a project or relieve some of the stress they feel. Of course, you can always help in other ways, like providing a meal, donating to a special cause on their behalf, or leaving a card or a small, simple sympathy gift on their desk. Any small gesture could make a world of difference and make your colleague feel understood and supported at work.
Tip #3: Focus on the Mourner’s Grief
When someone is grieving, try to keep the focus on their loss, not your own losses. In an effort to connect, you may be tempted to talk about your own losses. Most of the time, this tendency isn’t helpful. While you may have lost someone dear to you, the focus right now should be on your colleague’s loss. Attempts at grief identification (trying to equate your loss with theirs) may communicate to others that you are assuming that you know how they feel, which can be seen as presumptuous and offensive.
For many people, the challenge is to avoid giving too much advice or easy answers. There’s nothing wrong with offering support or a word of encouragement but avoid telling the person what to do or how to feel. Platitudes or cliches tend to minimize the other person’s pain and send the wrong message.
If you are tempted to “make it better” by telling them that their loved one is in a better place or they are at least no longer in pain, don’t do it. Let your colleague tell you how they feel. For your part, listen and express your sympathy and support. No advice you give is going to fix a person’s situation, but you can offer genuine help and care.
For the first few weeks after loss, mourners typically receive an abundance of support and help. As time goes by, the shock and numbness wear off, but that’s when the reality sets in. Their loved one is not coming back. Make sure to check in every few months and genuinely ask, “How are you holding up?”
Don’t assume they are “strong” because they are doing well at work. Allow them to tell you how they are coping and talk about their loved one by name. The sweetest sound to a mourner’s ears is usually the name of their loved one being remembered by others.
Regardless of the specifics of the situation, losing a loved one is hard. But the pain of loss can be compounded by the stressful demands of the workplace. Those who are obligated to return to work soon after a loss are particularly vulnerable to stress and work frustration. As a work colleague, it’s important to take steps to make a grieving co-worker feel comfortable and supported.
When honoring a loved one’s life with a meaningful service, it’s important to find ways to tap into the essence of who they were as a person. By adding personalized elements, you can really celebrate and lovingly remember what made them who they were. One way to add a special touch to any final tribute is to choose musical selections and funeral songs that align with your loved one’s personality, beliefs, or preferences.
You may not know where to start when choosing meaningful music, so we’ve compiled a list of funeral songs for your review. You will find songs of many genres – spiritual, classical, rock, country, and more. Browse through the list and review the articles that best fit your loved one’s lifestyle and musical preferences. May you find the perfect songs to salute your loved one’s life and highlight what made them unique and loved.
By Style or Genre
In this section, you will find songs from different types and styles of music. If something appeals to you, simply click on the heading to review the songs.
If your loved one found more comfort in modern praise and worship songs (or enjoyed a range of spiritual genres), these more modern Christian songs could add an element of hope and peace to the service.
Loved by millions around the world, country music has established itself as a musical genre that speaks to the heart in a poignant way. If your loved one had an affinity for country music, check out this list of 12 funeral songs.
Classical music transcends and brings out emotions that are resting just below the service. If your loved one enjoyed classical music or was a classical musician, you might consider including one of these lovely songs in their funeral ceremony.
With songs from multiple genres, this list encourages you to pick what feels like the most appropriate tribute. There’s no right or wrong when choosing music for a loved one’s service. There’s only what reflects who they were as a person.
By Decade
Did your loved one gravitate toward a particular decade of music? That could be another way to choose music to honor your loved one’s life. In this section, you will find beloved songs from each decade that could also serve as a beautiful tribute.
The 1940s saw the beginning of new things in the music industry. The decade included everything from stirring ballads of wartime sorrow to Big Band music and the blossoming careers of artists like Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra. The 1940s offers a bounty of beautiful songs to choose from.
With the rise of artists like Elvis Presley, Nat King Cole, and Buddy Holly, the 1950s introduced a new sound. For loved ones who grew up during this decade or had a particular affinity to it, consider checking out these funeral songs.
With instantly recognizable classics, this list includes popular hits by Ben E. King, Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, and The Beatles. If you are looking to add a little more groove to a loved one’s final tribute, this list may provide you with a few song ideas.
From Simon & Garfunkel to John Denver, this curated list provides you with 9 stunning options for a celebration of life. Whether your loved one grew up in the 70s or came to appreciate its music later, you are sure to find a song to honor their life in a meaningful way.
The 1980s brought a distinct sound with it, and for many, it’s the anthem of their youth. On this list, you will find heartfelt tunes from Cyndi Lauper, Bette Midler, Queen, and others. Perfect for any 80s aficionado, browse the list to see if anything reflects your loved one’s unique life.
Hopefully, this compilation of musical selections helps you find music that sets the tone for your loved one’s final tribute. And if you’d like more information about personalizing the funeral, check out these resources.
Music is an important element of a funeral ceremony because it helps us process feelings that are difficult to put into words. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt tells us, music imprints itself on our hearts more than any other experience in life. For people of faith, these feelings are often best expressed in hymns, which are songs of devotion or praise to God. If you are looking for timeless songs of faith to honor the life of a loved one, you may want to consider using one of these 10 beautiful hymns.
1. It is Well With My Soul (written by Horatio Gates Spafford, 1873)
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
“It is well, it is well with my soul.”
Spafford’s devout hymn was composed in the midst of great tragedy. In 1873, he and his family planned to visit England via steamship, but Spafford was delayed due to business responsibilities. His wife and four daughters went ahead of him, but tragically, he received a telegram from his wife informing him that their ship had sunk in the Atlantic and their four daughters had all perished.
In the aftermath of the event, Spafford wrote one of the most memorable of all hymns. Devoid of bitterness, the song is a testament to the level of Spafford’s faith even in the worst of times. His firm belief in the return of the Lord, vividly described as a day when the clouds will be “rolled back as a scroll,” is a beautiful sentiment that reminds Christian believers of the true home ahead.
2. Great is Thy Faithfulness (written by Thomas O. Chisolm, 1923)
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
After the loss of a loved one, people often experience disorientation and confusion. How do we respond to loss, and how do we find a way to move forward in our own lives? When a loved one dies, so much changes in our lives, and the natural response is to find something to cling to. For many people, that thing is their faith.
The words of this 20th century hymn provide a reminder that some things are constant in the world. People of faith will find great comfort in singing, “Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not, / As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.” While nothing can take away the pain of loss, this hymn reminds us that some things in life, like God and His love, always stay the same.
3. I Need Thee (written by Annie Hawks and Robert Lowry, 1872)
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior!
I come to Thee.
In times of grief and loss, leaning on faith can become even more important. The lyrics say, “Every hour I need thee.” Not monthly, weekly, or daily. Hourly. The speaker requires the assistance of the Lord in every activity and situation to see it through to completion. Every step of the journey is difficult and requires the presence of God.
A cry of devotion in times of hardship, this 19th century favorite touches on themes of perseverance, faith, suffering, and comfort. Funeral attendees may view this song as a request for God’s guidance through every stage of the grief journey. The acknowledgement of God’s presence encourages mourners as they prepare for a new way of life and set out on the road to healing.
4. Abide With Me (written by Henry Francis Lyte, 1847)
Abide with me, fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.
Faced with tuberculosis and the knowledge of his impending death, 54-year-old Henry Francis Lyte used his time of illness as an opportunity to write one of the most beautiful and well-loved of all hymns. Not surprisingly, it has become a popular choice for spiritual funerals.
The fact that Lyte was so close to death’s door makes this reflection on mortality and his personal relationship with God all the more powerful. But the song appeals not only to those nearing the end of their days, but also to mourners who are facing the end of life with their loved one’s presence. Even as “the darkness deepens,” God answers the heartfelt request that He remain near.
5. ‘Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus (written by Louisa Stead, 1882)
‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word;
Just to rest upon His promise;
…to know, Thus saith the Lord.
Like most of the hymns on this list, this 19th century classic gives mourners a source of stability, a rock to lean on in times of hardship. Funeral audiences can find peace of mind in the knowledge that the stress, fear, and doubt that often accompany a loss are in the hands of a higher power.
Stead suggests that there is no need to hold on to anything or to assume a heavy burden. Our sole responsibility is “Just from Jesus simply taking, / life, and rest, and joy, and peace.” While this assurance does not eradicate the pain of loss, it does provide some comfort and can serve to alleviate the guilt, frustration, and stress people often wrestle with on the road to healing.
6. Guide Me, O Thou Great Redeemer (written by William Williams, 1745)
Guide me, O thou great redeemer,
Pilgrim through this barren land;
I am weak, but thou art mighty,
Hold me with thy powerful hand.
William Williams frames his most famous hymn in terms of a journey. Throughout all three stanzas, he asks God to guide him on his course. In the first stanza, he is a pilgrim wandering through a barren land. In the second, he uses imagery from Exodus 13, asking God to bring fire and a pillar of cloud to lead the way. And in the third, he is traveling across the Jordan to get to the land of Canaan.
All three images correlate to the path that the mourner takes on his grief journey. Williams’ steadfast reliance on God during times of painful and frightening transition is relatable to mourners, making this three-and-a-half-century-old hymn as timely and relevant as the day it was written.
7. In the Sweet By and By (written by Sanford Fillmore Bennett, 1868)
There’s a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there.
This hopeful and faith-driven song communicates a sense of peace to the listener by drawing upon imagery of another, happier land. For funeral audiences, the song’s words of a faraway shore imply that loved ones are at peace with the Lord. While this knowledge doesn’t take away the pain that mourners feel, it offers some light during a difficult time.
Bennett claims that after death, “Our spirits shall sorrow no more, / Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.” This emphasis on rest and peace encourages loved ones and provides them with inner strength as they work through their grief.
8. Leaning on the Everlasting Arms (written by Anthony J. Showalter and Elisha Hoffman, 1887)
What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
When it comes to comforting hymns, this beautiful song of surrender is unmatched. The three stanzas, accompanied by a simple refrain, contain everything that you could want in a song for a religious funeral: a gorgeous melody, a modest length, and reassuring words of peace. Leaning on the Everlasting Arms is to religious hymns what Psalm 23 is to religious writing. It is a perfect lyrical distillation of the human soul’s devotion to God.
For mourners faced with the emotional exhaustion that accompanies the loss of a loved one, it’s a blessing to hear that one can lean on the everlasting arms of God and rest “safe and secure from all alarms.” The theme of security applies equally well to those who are living and to those who have passed on. God’s love and peace is available in the here and now, as well as in the hereafter.
9. Amazing Grace (written by John Newton, 1779)
When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.
Probably the most famous of all hymns, this song of redemption penned by a slave-trader-turned-abolitionist has captured the hearts of countless Christians. While certain stanzas dealing with sin and repentance may seem less suited to a funeral audience, the song’s reputation as a Christian anthem makes it a great choice for any religious event.
And there’s no doubt that the final stanza, with its beautiful depiction of the afterlife, will speak directly to mourners. Amazing Grace taps into the essence of what it means to believe in God, and the universal love that believers bestow on it indicates that it is a powerful representation of faith. For a funeral ceremony, you may want to consider singing at least a few stanzas of this masterpiece.
10. I’ll Fly Away (written by Albert E. Brumley, 1929)
Just a few more weary days and then,
I’ll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I’ll fly away.
This extremely popular gospel song speaks to our desire for peace and how death is a time of joy and rest. By framing life’s transience in a positive light, the song encourages us to see the full scope of the story, the larger picture. The troubles and pains of this life are but a tiny moment in time compared to the eternal land that awaits.
The upbeat melody conveys not only joy and peace, but also confidence and steadfastness. “I’ll fly away” is not spoken as a mere possibility but as a true reality. To sing this familiar gospel song in a funeral setting is to feel the pain of absence while simultaneously receiving the assurance that the spirit of a loved one has “flown away” to be with the Lord.
This list is far from comprehensive, so if you didn’t find a hymn that speaks to your heart, that’s okay. Look at songs in your faith tradition. What hymns did your loved one often sing? Are there any hymns that came up often in church or at home? No matter what they are, choose the hymns that best reflect your loved one’s life, personality, and beliefs.
When you lose someone dear to you, grief is a completely normal response. Everybody experiences it. The fact that you are going through feelings of grief means that you had deep emotional ties to the person who has died. For many people, grief starts out intense, and in time, it begins to ebb and flow. But what happens when the intensity of your grief will not subside? What if you find yourself unable to cope, even though many months or years have passed since your loss? It could be that you’ve developed complicated grief, and it’s time to consider the benefits of professional grief therapy.
Is it Complicated Grief?
If you find yourself unable to function in daily life long after the loss of your loved one, you may want to consider the possibility that you are experiencing complicated grief. While grief is a perfectly normal, healthy response to loss, complicated grief is a psychological problem that, if left untreated, can severely impact your quality of life.
Here are several signs of complicated grief to look out for:
Intense sorrow, pain, or pining over the loss, focusing on little else
Problems accepting the reality of the death
Strong attachment to mementos/reminders or a strong avoidance of them
Trouble carrying out normal routines, including personal hygiene
Increasingly isolated and withdrawn
Denial and defensiveness when asked about the grief
Guilt over feeling that they did something wrong, could have prevented the death, or should have died along with the loved one
If you or someone you know is experiencing these symptoms, it’s time to consider getting help from a professional therapist.
How Does Grief Therapy Help?
If you think you may be struggling with complicated grief, professional grief counseling or therapy can be a useful resource for dealing with it. A trained counselor can give you the tools that you need to start enjoying your life again. It is important to realize that counseling is not an attempt to make you forget about the life of your loved one or diminish their legacy. Rather, it is a way to help you accept the reality of their death and make tangible steps toward finding joy in life.
Here are a few ways grief therapy can help:
Inspires Rational Thinking
Counseling can be especially beneficial if you find yourself suffering from extreme guilt, anxiety, or fear. Getting an outside perspective could help you to see when your thoughts become irrational. For instance, if you are someone who blames yourself for the death of a loved one, hearing a fresh perspective might allow you to see things differently. A liberating insight from a therapist could provide just the boost you need to get back to finding joy and meaning in your life.
Helps You Accept the Reality of Loss
Of course, it is unhelpful and unrealistic to believe that we will ever fully “move on” or “recover” from a loss. Even if this state of mind could be achieved, it wouldn’t be desirable. You will always remember the person you love, and the knowledge of their loss will always be painful. This knowledge falls under the category of grief that is considered normal. The pain of loss is part of what it means to love.
But if your thoughts of your loved one border on obsession, and even long after their death you find yourself ignoring everything except those thoughts, then you may be struggling to accept the reality of the loss. Grief therapy can help you get to a place of acceptance and can provide you with advice on how to carry this experience with you as you continue to navigate your life journey.
Encourages You to Honor Your Loved One’s Memory
One of the best ways to work through grief is by confronting the pain of loss. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally-recognized grief counselor and educator, puts it this way:
“Someone you love has died. In your heart, you have come to know your deepest pain. From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of people I have counseled over the years, I have learned that we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.”
With a trained professional by your side, you can begin to do the hard but necessary work of grief. Honor your loved one’s memory. Confront the things that are holding you back. Find ways to hold onto your loved one’s legacy that are healthy and inspiring. Finding a way forward doesn’t mean forgetting; it means learning how to carry the wound without letting it negatively affect you.
How Do I Know if Counseling is Right for Me?
Studies suggest that people who are struggling with complicated grief respond better to therapy than those who struggle with normal grief. For the grieving, time is the most important factor in the healing process. So how can you know that therapy will be useful for you? At what point can you reasonably estimate that your grief has become complicated?
There’s no definitive answer. You have no way of knowing with absolute certainty if counseling or the mere passage of time will be the best approach for your mental health. But if you feel that a significant amount of time has passed and that you are still unable to cope with daily life, consider giving counseling and therapy a try. At the very least, you’ll have a trained professional to talk to, an experienced person who will listen as you get some things off your chest. This simple step could end up making the biggest difference in your grief journey and your life.
Also, if you are already comfortable with professional counseling, you might consider speaking with a grief counselor or therapist soon after your loss. There’s no need to wait until you are experiencing complicated grief to see someone. You can speak to a professional at any time during your grief journey, and if you do it sooner rather than later, you may prevent complicated grief entirely.
The funeral is a time to truly honor and remember a loved one’s life, but how can you personalize the service to reflect that special person’s personality, preferences, interests, and uniqueness?
You can choose music uniquely suited to your loved one’s interests. You could include readings or symbols or healing actions that are meaningful and tailored to your lost loved one’s preferences. Another way you can personalize the funeral is by choosing a location for the service that fits who they were as a person. Let’s discuss the possibilities.
First, Why Does Personalization Matter?
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor and author, believes that personalizing the funeral is critical to honoring a loved one’s life and finding healing after loss. He says:
“I encourage you to slow down, take a deep breath and focus on what is really important—what is essential—about the funeral you are planning. What is essential is the life that was lived and the impact that life had on family and friends. To honor that unique life, the funeral must also be unique. Over and over, families tell me that the best funerals are those that are personalized.”
In a world focused on efficiency and getting things done as quickly as possible, the funeral is a moment to slow down and be thoughtful. When we do things too quickly, they can sometimes feel impersonal and hollow. That’s why personalization is key!
A personalized service beautifully and lovingly honors life. It creates a sweet moment of remembrance, a time to say goodbye, a unique acknowledgement that a person’s life mattered in all the big and small ways.
How to Personalize the Location of a Funeral
Depending on what events you decide to include, you have many options for choosing a unique location. If you have a service, a visitation, and a gathering, you could choose separate places for each. For example, the visitation could take place at the funeral home, the service at your local church, and the gathering at your loved one’s Rotary Club, favorite restaurant, or wherever you wish.
The point of choosing a specific location is to add an extra element of meaningful personalization to the funeral, so it really feels like the best way to honor your loved one’s life.
Here are a few ideas for choosing a personalized location:
1. Choose a convenient place
Sometimes, the easiest and best option is to have the funeral or memorial service at the funeral home itself. Many funeral homes offer beautiful facilities and will let you decorate the room to reflect your loved one’s life. You could include photos, mementoes, cherished possessions, flowers, balloons, whatever seems to appropriately reflect your loved one’s hobbies and interests.
Alternatively, you could choose to host the service in your own or the deceased’s home. While this option is not as popular, it could be convenient for your family and would allow you to have the service in a comfortable environment.
2. Choose a place of worship
For those who are religious, having the service at a place of worship may be the best location for your loved one. Your funeral director will help you coordinate with a local church, synagogue, mosque, or other place of worship. And if it’s allowed, you could also add special touches to that location that will reflect your loved one’s unique life.
3. Choose a place related to their interests
Another option is to select a place that has special meaning to your loved one. If they coached little league, perhaps you could hold part of the ceremony at the local baseball diamond. If they were part of a gardening club, you might be able to host the ceremony at the rose garden. For those who loved the beach, ask friends and family to come to a memorial service at sunset. Again, chat with your funeral director about the options. The funeral home staff will do everything they legally can to make your wishes become reality.
4. Choose a place related to their professional career
For those deeply dedicated to their career or field of study, you could select a location that is significant to their achievements. For example, you could choose to bury a veteran in a national cemetery and have the service there. Or for a mariner, you could opt for a service and burial at sea. For those dedicated to teaching or the medical field, you could possibly hold a ceremony at their university, school, or hospital. While some professional spaces will be off-limits, you never know unless you ask.
No matter what you choose for the location of a funeral, make sure that you add other meaningful touches to the event. These special touches combined will make the service even more touching and healing.
Additional Personalization Resources
If you’d like more information about how to personalize the funeral, give these resources a quick read:
In the United States, black is the color most people commonly associate with grief and mourning. However, that’s not true for all cultures. The color of mourning is often deeply rooted in the history and beliefs of a nation and its people, so let’s see which colors represent mourning around the world.
Black
In addition to the United States, black is the color of mourning in most Western nations as well as some other nations. Wearing black is a symbol of sadness, loss, and death. Writings from Ancient Rome reveal that the tradition of donning black after a death was common even in that day.
And while the color black never went out of use, it became particularly popular during the reign of Queen Victoria. Following the death of her husband, Prince Albert, the Queen spent the next 40 years of her life mourning his death. She commonly wore black or other dark colors to symbolize her deep sense of loss. Her example went on to influence many other nations in Europe and North America, leading to a stronger connection to black as a color of mourning.
Like many Western nations, black is also a common mourning color in Japan, Brazil, and Thailand, to name a few. It’s also quite common to see black worn at Jewish funerals.
White
Another very common funeral color around the world is white, particularly in Asia (China, Cambodia, India, etc.) where the people strongly associate with Buddhism or Hinduism.
Universally, white symbolizes purity, innocence, and rebirth. In Buddhism, white is also representative of reincarnation and the circle of life. Similarly, in Hinduism, white is a symbol of light, goodness, spiritual rebirth, and a new beginning. As these religions base many of their core tenets on the life that comes after death, it’s easy to understand why white – as a symbol of rebirth and new beginnings – would be so important at the funerals of loved ones.
There are also examples of white used for mourning in other parts of the world. For example, in 15th and 16th century France and England, bereaved children and unmarried women often dressed in white instead of black. Also, in indigenous Australia, it’s common practice to wear white body paint to show remorse for the loss of a loved one.
Red
One of the least-used mourning colors, red is nonetheless prevalent in a few countries around the world. In South Africa, mourners wear red, though the origins of the practice are heartbreaking. The color represents the apartheid era and the blood that was shed during those years.
Red is also used in Ghana, but there is a condition. Red (often paired with black) is only worn by the deceased’s immediate family; black or white is worn by all other mourners.
On the other hand, never wear red to a funeral in China. Because of its strong association with happiness, cultural tradition forbids the use of red at Chinese funerals.
Purple
Long connected to spirituality and royalty, purple is used during Easter celebrations to represent the pain and suffering of Christ’s crucifixion. For this reason, many Catholics in Brazil, Guatemala, and other Central or South American countries pair purple with black during times of grief.
In Thailand, purple represents sorrow. The color is worn exclusively by widows following the death of a husband; all other mourners wear black.
What if I Don’t Know What Color to Wear to a Funeral?
As you can see, the culture you live in, and in some cases, the religion you follow can have an impact on the mourning colors that are acceptable and expected. And in some countries, there’s a mix of colors, though black and white are the most common threads.
If you aren’t sure what to wear to a funeral, the best thing to do is ask for guidance. You can reach out to the family, a close friend, or even the funeral director. For example, if you haven’t been to a Jewish funeral, contact someone to learn what clothing would be respectful.
In general, it’s good etiquette to avoid bright colors like orange, yellow, green, and blue. Unless you are attending a funeral where red is appropriate, generally avoid it, too.
Did any of these colors surprise you? It’s fascinating to see how mourning colors develop and understand the role they play in helping us mourn the loss of those we love.
