christy.kessler, Author at Funeral Basics

Mar 24

Large, beautiful tree in a national cemetery

A State-by-State Guide to National Cemeteries for Veterans

By christy.kessler Cemeteries, Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Veterans

Did you know that many veterans and their dependents are eligible for free burial in a national cemetery? It’s true! While there are eligibility requirements, the National Cemetery Administration maintains 156 national cemeteries in 42 states and Puerto Rico. If you are interested in burial or inurnment at a national cemetery, it’s a very real option for you!

A Few Things to Keep in Mind

Here are a few things to keep in mind if you decide to pursue this veteran benefit:

In order to qualify, you must meet the VA’s eligibility requirements and only eligible dependents (such as a spouse) may be considered for burial in a national cemetery.
Your preferred cemetery may not have space available. If that’s the case, reach out to secondary locations or look into a state veterans cemetery instead. Your chosen funeral director can help you better understand the options available to you.
Some national cemeteries are closed to new interments unless you are related to a veteran or spouse already buried there. For example, if your veteran spouse is already buried there, you as the dependent spouse can request burial in the same cemetery even if it’s not open to new interments. The cemetery may not be able to accommodate you, but it doesn’t hurt to ask. In many cases, they can accommodate.
There are several states currently without a national cemetery. They are Connecticut, Delaware, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, and Vermont. New national cemeteries are currently under construction in Utah and Nevada, and each one will be the first national cemetery in its state.

With this information in mind, here’s a listing of the national cemeteries across the United States that are still open to new interments. If you are interested in funeral preplanning, the VA can work with you and your chosen funeral home to get your plans in place.

National Cemeteries Across the United States

Prescott National Cemetery – Prescott, AZ (cremation only)

Arkansas

Fayetteville National Cemetery – Fayetteville, AR

Fort Smith National Cemetery – Fort Smith, AR

California

Bakersfield National Cemetery – Arvin, CA

Los Angeles National Cemetery – Los Angeles, CA (cremation only)

Miramar National Cemetery – San Diego, CA

Riverside National Cemetery – Riverside, CA

Sacramento Valley National Cemetery – Dixon, CA

San Joaquin Valley National Cemetery – Santa Nella, CA

Colorado

Fort Logan National Cemetery – Denver, CO

Fort Lyon National Cemetery – Las Animas, CO

Pikes Peak National Cemetery – Colorado Springs, CO

Florida

Barrancas National Cemetery – Pensacola, FL

Bay Pines National Cemetery – St. Petersburg, FL (cremation only)

Cape Canaveral National Cemetery – Mims, FL

Florida National Cemetery – Bushnell, FL

Jacksonville National Cemetery – Jacksonville, FL

Sarasota National Cemetery – Sarasota, FL

South Florida National Cemetery – Lake Worth, FL

Tallahassee National Cemetery – Tallahassee, FL

Georgia

Georgia National Cemetery – Canton, GA

Hawaii

National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific – Honolulu, HI

Idaho

Snake River Canyon National Cemetery – Buhl, ID

Illinois

Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery – Elwood, IL

Camp Butler National Cemetery – Springfield, IL

Danville National Cemetery – Danville, IL

Fort Sheridan National Cemetery – Sheridan, IL (cremation only)

Mound City National Cemetery – Mound City, IL

Rock Island National Cemetery – Rock Island, IL

Indiana

Crown Hill National Cemetery Annex – Indianapolis, IN (cremation only)

Marion National Cemetery – Marion, IN

New Albany National Cemetery – New Albany, IN (cremation only)

Iowa

Keokuk National Cemetery – Keokuk, IA

Kansas

Fort Leavenworth National Cemetery – Fort Leavenworth, KS (cremation only)

Fort Scott National Cemetery – Fort Scott, KS

Leavenworth National Cemetery – Leavenworth, KS

Kentucky

Camp Nelson National Cemetery – Nicholasville, KY

Lebanon National Cemetery – Lebanon, KY

Mill Springs National Cemetery – Nancy, KY

Louisiana

Louisiana National Cemetery – Zachary, LA

Port Hudson National Cemetery – Zachary, LA (cremation only)

Maine

Acadia National Cemetery – Jonesboro, ME

Maryland

Baltimore National Cemetery – Baltimore, MD (cremation only)

Massachusetts

Massachusetts National Cemetery – Bourne, MA

Michigan

Fort Custer National Cemetery – Augusta, MI

Great Lakes National Cemetery – Holly, MI

Minnesota

Fort Snelling National Cemetery – Minneapolis, MN

Mississippi

Biloxi National Cemetery – Biloxi, MS

Corinth National Cemetery – Corinth, MS

Natchez National Cemetery – Natchez, MS

Missouri

Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery – St. Louis, MO

Springfield National Cemetery – Springfield, MO

Montana

Yellowstone National Cemetery – Laurel, MT

Nebraska

Fort McPherson National Cemetery – Maxwell, NE

Omaha National Cemetery – Omaha, NE

Nevada

Elko National Cemetery – Elko, NV (currently unavailable; under construction)

New Jersey

Finn’s Point National Cemetery – Pennsville, NJ (cremation only)

New Mexico

Fort Bayard National Cemetery – Fort Bayard, NM

Santa Fe National Cemetery – Santa Fe, NM

New York

Bath National Cemetery – Bath, NY

Calverton National Cemetery – Calverton, NY

Gerald B.H. Solomon Saratoga National Cemetery – Schuylerville, NY

Long Island National Cemetery – Farmingdale, NY (cremation only)

St. Albans National Cemetery – Queens, NY (currently unavailable; under construction)

Western New York National Cemetery – Corfu, NY

Woodlawn National Cemetery – Elmira, NY (cremation only)

North Carolina

Salisbury National Cemetery – Salisbury, NC

North Dakota

Fargo National Cemetery – Harwood, ND

Ohio

Dayton National Cemetery – Dayton, OH

Ohio Western Reserve National Cemetery – Seville, OH

Oklahoma

Fort Gibson National Cemetery – Fort Gibson, OK

Fort Sill National Cemetery – Elgin, OK

Oregon

Eagle Point National Cemetery – Eagle Point, OR

Fort Stevens National Cemetery – Hammond, OR

Roseburg National Cemetery – Roseburg, OR

Willamette National Cemetery – Portland, OR

Pennsylvania

Indiantown Gap National Cemetery – Annville, PA

National Cemetery of the Alleghenies – Bridgeville, PA

Washington Crossing National Cemetery – Newtown, PA

Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico National Cemetery – Bayamon, PR (cremation only)

Morovis National Cemetery – Morovis, PR

South Carolina

Beaufort National Cemetery – Beaufort, SC

Florence National Cemetery – Florence, SC

Fort Jackson National Cemetery – Columbia, SC

South Dakota

Black Hills National Cemetery – Sturgis, SD

Tennessee

Chattanooga National Cemetery – Chattanooga, TN

Knoxville National Cemetery – Knoxville, TN (cremation only)

Memphis National Cemetery – Memphis, TN (cremation only)

Mountain Home National Cemetery – Mountain Home, TN

Nashville National Cemetery – Madison, TN (cremation only)

Texas

Dallas-Fort Worth National Cemetery – Dallas, TX

Fort Bliss National Cemetery – El Paso, TX

Fort Sam Houston National Cemetery – San Antonio, TX

Houston National Cemetery – Houston, TX

San Antonio National Cemetery – San Antonio, TX (cremation only)

Utah

Southern Utah National Cemetery – Cedar City, UT (currently unavailable; under construction)

Virginia

Culpeper National Cemetery – Culpeper, VA

Danville National Cemetery – Danville, VA (cremation only)

National Memorial Cemetery at Quantico – Triangle, VA

Washington

Tahoma National Cemetery – Kent, WA

Vancouver Barracks National Cemetery – Vancouver, WA

West Virginia

West Virginia National Cemetery – Grafton, WV

Wisconsin

Northwoods National Cemetery – Harshaw, WI

Wyoming

Cheyenne National Cemetery – Cheyenne, WY

If you’d like more information about veterans’ burial benefits, visit the Veterans Affairs website or check out these helpful resources:

Mar 12

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Woman in blue sweater sitting at table in her kitchen as she looks at estate planning documents

5 Steps to Getting Your Affairs in Order

By christy.kessler Estate Planning, Plan Ahead

While getting your affairs in order may feel like a daunting task, it makes the grieving process and closing out an estate much easier for surviving children and heirs. They won’t have to untangle any accounts or wonder how you wanted your property or assets distributed. Instead, they can focus on grieving, supporting each other, and remembering the relationship you shared.

And yes, the process of putting your affairs in order will take time, but there’s good news! Below, you will find a checklist of important documents to gather as well as guidance regarding other estate planning topics you should consider. Let’s get started.

Step 1: Gather Important Information

The information and documents listed below will apply to most families. However, there may be additional documents that are important to your specific family. The list below is an excellent starting place and covers the vast majority of what you will need. However, take time to sit down and think through your situation. You may find more documents to include.

Checklist

Full legal name
Social Security number/card
Address of legal residence
Date and place of birth
Names and addresses of spouse and children
Birth and death certificates and certificates of marriage, divorce, citizenship, and adoption (whichever are applicable)
Employers and dates of employment
Education and military records
Names and phone numbers of religious contacts (if applicable)
Names and phone numbers of close friends, relatives, doctors, lawyers, and financial advisors
Medications taken regularly (keep this updated!)
Location of living will and other legal documents
Sources of income and assets (pension from your employer, IRAs, 401(k)s, interest, royalties, etc.)
Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid information
Insurance information (life, health, long-term care, home, etc.) with policy numbers and agents’ names and phone numbers
Copy of your most recent income tax return
Location of your most up-to-date legal will with an original signature
Liabilities, including property tax
Mortgages and debts
Location of original deed of trust for home
Car title and registration
Credit and debit card names and numbers
Location of safe deposit box and key

Special note: It’s important to keep your documents safe, especially in the face of natural disasters. One way to keep your documents safe is to purchase a fire and water secure case. But whatever you choose, find a way to keep your documents secure and accessible in case of emergency.

Step 2: Consider Estate Planning

Estate planning is about ensuring that your wishes regarding your estate are carried out. While most of us don’t have a literal estate with a grand manor and a stable full of horses, we do all have an “estate.” In legal terms, an estate consists of everything you own – car, home, other real estate, bank accounts, investment accounts, 401(k)s, insurance policies, furniture, personal possessions, and even pets.

By determining what your wishes are, who will receive what and when, and who is responsible for executing your legal will, you participate in estate planning. If you are interested in estate planning, please review the questions below and determine if you have taken care of them fully.

1. Do you have a legal will?

Writing a legal will is one of the best things you can do for your family. To reduce the risk of misunderstandings, heartache, and the possible headache of taking your estate through probate court, it’s best if you clearly outline who gets what and when. If there is no legal will, the state may determine the distribution of your property and assets. So, if you don’t have a legal will, your assets may not go to your heirs, depending on your state’s current regulations. If you would like to write a legal will, first talk with an attorney or try out a web service that specializes in legal documents.

2. If you do have a legal will, have you appointed an executor? And does your chosen executor have access to and know where to find all of your important documents?

Above all, the executor of your will should be someone you trust. They will carry out the wishes outlined in your legal will to the letter.

3. Have you named your beneficiaries?

Beneficiaries are the people or organizations that will receive your assets and/or property after your death. In general, it is good practice to double-check your beneficiaries every few years. This includes beneficiaries on your legal will and on any life insurance policies you may have with the purpose of ensuring everything still reflects your wishes. Double-checking beneficiaries is especially important with blended families as divorce or remarriage could change your chosen beneficiaries. To learn more, read “Estate Planning for the Blended Family.”

4. Do you want or need a trust?

If you are unfamiliar with trusts, they are similar to a will. Both a will and a trust are meant to spell out your wishes regarding assets and property. The main difference between the two is that a will is effective only after you die and then must be probated (carried out) by the court system and your chosen executor. On the other hand, in the case of a trust, there is no need to go through the court system – your successor trustee (aka the executor) will carry out your wishes after your death as they are written in the trust.

Additionally, with a trust, your successor trustee can manage your financial, healthcare, or legal affairs if you become incapacitated while you’re living. Talk with an estate planner to see if this option is right for you. Typically, a trust is helpful for those with a large number of assets and property.

5. Have you considered your digital estate?

If you have used an email account, a networking website, or bought items online, you have a digital estate. It’s just as important to determine the future of your digital estate as your physical estate. For suggestions on how to manage your digital estate, please read “8 Tips for Managing Your Digital Estate” or “How to Make Digital Estate Planning Simple.”

6. Do you have any dependents (including pets)? Have you made your wishes clear regarding their well-being?

Most people know that they should indicate who will care for their dependents once they are gone. However, pets are also an important part of the family, and while we love them dearly, sometimes we overlook them in the estate planning process. To that end, make sure to include any veterinary documentation in your important paperwork and outline who should take over the care of your beloved animals.

Step 3: Look Into Advance Funeral Planning

No matter your level of interest, funeral planning needs to be on your list of things to do as you get your affairs in order. By writing down your funeral preferences ahead of time, you give your family a roadmap to honoring your life. Having this roadmap will take a burden off their shoulders and allow them to focus on loving and supporting each other.

For additional information on advance funeral planning, click on the links below:

Step 4: Write Out Your Advance Care Directives (ACD)

In short, an advance care directive (ACD) ensures that, if you become incapacitated, your medical wishes are known and fulfilled. Two documents, the living will and the healthcare power of attorney, make up an ACD. Sit down with your doctor and those closest to you and discuss what your wishes are regarding medical care. For more information regarding preparation of your advance care directives, read “Developing Your Advance Care Directive.”

Step 5: Keep It Current

Once you have your affairs in order, keep them up-to-date and current, especially your legal documents, beneficiary information, and most recent tax return. Make sure to appoint a new executor if the one you have currently chosen moves away or is unable to fulfill his or her duties. If you move, update your current address on all your documents, policies, accounts, and assets. At the beginning, it’s quite an undertaking to gather all the information. But, once it’s together, updating is simple.

Also, you might consider holding a family meeting to go over your wishes and your estate. For some families, this may not be pleasant or even possible. But if you can schedule it, a family meeting is an excellent time to let everyone know how your assets are going to be distributed. By being proactive, you can answer questions, set expectations, and hopefully, prevent any family disagreements over your final wishes.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary, so only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

Mar 10

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Two women holding a pink breast cancer awareness ribbon against a pink background

Finding Hope in the Fight Against Breast Cancer

By christy.kessler Exclude from Top Posts, Seasonal

Are you currently battling breast cancer or know someone who is? Have you celebrated with a breast cancer survivor? Or have you lost a loved one to the disease? No matter how the disease has touched you, we stand with you to spread awareness, find hope, and grieve well in the fight against breast cancer.

According to current statistics, it is expected that, in the coming year, more than 40,000 deaths will be linked to breast cancer, and millions of people are battling breast cancer. Moreover, one in every eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime as well as thousands of men. In our collective struggle, as men and women, we can join forces to fight breast cancer in a number of ways.

1. Participate in Wellness Programs & Lifestyle Changes

When possible, men and women should participate in a wellness program and take part in all the tests required to monitor current health status. According to the Mayo Clinic, studies show that some lifestyle changes contribute to a marked decrease in breast cancer risk.

For example, here are a few suggested changes:

Limit alcoholic beverages
Quit smoking
Control weight
Stay physically active

2. Get Involved & Spread Awareness

Next, it’s important to remember that the possibilities to get involved in the fight against breast cancer are virtually limitless. There are some established ways of participating in spreading awareness for breast cancer: donate, participate in a Race for the Cure, become an advisor/volunteer for a breast cancer program, host a fundraiser, or wear pink to spread awareness.

However, your original ideas are welcome too, so don’t be afraid to bring them to the table. For example, one woman started a nonprofit that provides unique hospital gowns for women battling illness. Another woman began writing encouraging letters to fellow breast cancer patients, and she also started her own nonprofit that has sent over 60,000 handwritten cards and letters to 152 patient centers. The point is, don’t limit your own impact. Think outside the box and find the most meaningful way for you to become involved.

3. Share Inspirational Stories of Hope

The women and men who have battled and are battling this disease are a great source of hope. Read their stories and allow them to change you. Ultimately, no matter the story of your own life, you can find inspiration, hope, and encouragement in the stories of others. Let’s be loving, compassionate, and above all, changed. And be sure to share the stories that impact you the most with others through social media. That way, you can inspire others and raise awareness for breast cancer at the same time.

4. Find a Support Group

If you have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, you are not alone. Consider joining a support group where you can talk with others who are currently battling the disease. In them, you may find much-needed encouragement and comfort.

5. Connect to Grief Resources

Finally, if you have recently lost a loved one to breast cancer, your road to healing is just beginning. Emotions may be raw, and that’s okay. It’s normal to feel grief, anger, pain, frustration. Author, educator, and grief expert, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, puts it this way: “From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of people I have counseled over the years, I have learned that we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.” Facing the pain of grief is hard, but in the end, it is the only way through.

We all need support and encouragement on the journey through grief. Consider talking with a friend, making an appointment with a grief counselor, or finding others who are going through a similar situation. You may even be able to find local support groups for those who have lost a loved one to cancer. You can also visit Dr. Wolfelt’s website, the Center for Loss & Life Transition, to learn from his experience helping people walk through the journey of grief toward healing.

Mar 01

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Calendar with March 17 with shamrock, leprechaun hat, and pot of gold for St. Patrick's Day

Finding Meaning in St. Patrick’s Day

By christy.kessler Exclude from Top Posts, Seasonal

It’s that time of year again – St. Patrick’s Day! It’s the day to wear your greenest attire, maybe catch a parade, and celebrate the luck of the Irish. But while St. Patrick’s Day is a popular holiday across the nation, what do you know about the man himself? Today, as we celebrate St. Patrick through wearing shamrocks and drinking pints, let’s take a moment to look into his life and legacy.

St. Patrick’s Story

Much of the available historical information on St. Patrick comes from his memoir, The Confession, which describes details of his life, the people he came in contact with, and his inner spiritual journey. While he is associated with the Irish, St. Patrick was actually born a Roman (in the area we now know as Great Britain). When he was a teenager, he was captured by Irish pirates who raided the area, but at age 20, he had a dream in which God told him to flee. He escaped from captivity and made it to the coast, where sailors found him and took him back to his homeland.

In the memoir, Patrick claims to have received a vision that inspired him to return to the land where he was formerly enslaved, a land populated by pagans and Druids, to spread Christianity. He studied for the priesthood, became a bishop, and eventually returned to Ireland, where he converted scores of people to Christianity. Patrick is credited with bringing Catholicism to Ireland. Legend has it that he used the famed shamrock as a tool to explain the Trinity to his converts. He died on March 17, 461, at Saul, Downpatrick, Ireland, the site of his first church.

The Origin of the Holiday

On March 17, 1631, the church held a Feast Day in honor of the life and work of St. Patrick. This was the birth of St. Patrick’s Day. Ever since, the holiday has continued to celebrate the life of St. Patrick.

The Importance of Ceremony

St. Patrick’s Day reminds us of the necessity of ritual and tradition. It suggests that our need for rituals of commemoration is so strong that it can span hundreds of years and reach millions of people who did not even know the person at the heart of the celebration.

Do you have a loved one you’d like to honor in some special way? Consider choosing a day, perhaps their birthday or date of death, and wear a special color in their memory. Maybe you could even eat their favorite meal. Or you could see if your friends or family would like to join you in remembering someone special.

St. Patrick's Cathedral in Dublin, Ireland
(St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin, Ireland)

If we use rituals to honor historical figures like St. Patrick, how much more important is it to honor our dearest loved ones? Consider creating a new tradition that best reflects your loved one’s life (it will vary from person to person).

Every life is special, and we should find meaningful ways to honor the individual qualities of a loved one. What we can learn from St. Patrick’s Day? That remembering those who have gone before is important. And that it’s always an honor to participate in special ceremonies for those who mean so much to us.

Dec 30

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Remembering Jimmy Carter, 39th U.S. President

By christy.kessler Current Events, Exclude from Top Posts

“The bond of our common humanity is stronger than the divisiveness of our fears and prejudices.” – Jimmy Carter

As we mark James “Jimmy” Earl Carter Jr.’s passing, we cannot help but reflect on his life and the legacy he leaves behind – a life characterized by his devotion to creating a better America.

In fact, in 2002, The Norwegian Nobel Committee awarded Carter the Nobel Peace Prize “for his decades of untiring effort to find peaceful solutions to international conflicts, to advance democracy and human rights, and to promote economic and social development.” He is one of only four presidents to receive the Nobel Peace Prize, and the only one to receive it after leaving office.

Biography

Before his presidency

Born on October 1, 1924, in Plains, Georgia, Carter was the eldest son of Bessie Lillian and James Earl Carter Sr. In his rural hometown, peanut farming, politics, and the Baptist faith were constants throughout Carter’s growing-up years. After high school, he went on to attend the Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland, graduating in 1946. That same year, Carter married Rosalynn Smith, and together, they had four children: Jack, Chip, Jeff, and Amy Lynn.

After seven years of service as a naval officer and the death of his father, Carter returned to Plains and ran the family farm before becoming involved in state politics in 1962. A few short years later, in 1970, he was elected Governor of Georgia and announced his run for president in 1974. Then, in November 1976, he won the presidential race against Gerald Ford (securing 297 electoral votes to Ford’s 241).

(Jimmy Carter grew up on a peanut farm in rural Plains, Georgia)

During his presidency

As with any presidency, there were many ups and downs, but he made advances in domestic affairs, including establishing national energy regulation policies, expanding the national park system, creating the Department of Education, and bolstering the Social Security system.

In foreign affairs, he helped bring amity between Egypt and Israel with the Camp David Accords, established full diplomatic relations with China, and completed a nuclear limitation treaty with the Soviet Union (now Russia).

However, a major setback occurred in the last 14 months of his presidency: The Iranian Hostage Crisis. Iranian militants stormed the U.S. Embassy in Tehran and held 66 Americans hostage, some for 444 days. This event, along with continuing inflation at home, led to Carter’s losing the presidency in 1980.

(Carter spent four years as president of the United States and lived in the White House)

After his presidency

Following his time as president, Carter devoted his time to becoming a champion for human rights. He opened the Carter Center in 1982, which focuses on issues relating to democracy and human rights. Through the Center, he played a key role in mediating disputes between the U.S. State Department and volatile foreign leaders, such as Kim Il Sung of North Korea and Muammar Qaddaffi of Libya. It was this post-presidency work that led to his receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.

Major Life Accomplishments

Served as the 39^th President of the United States (1977-1981)
Awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002
Authored 23 books, including Keeping Faith: Memoirs of a President (1983), Turning Point (1992), and An Hour Before Daylight (2001)
Became University Distinguished Professor at Emory University and opened The Carter Center

The Importance of a Legacy

As we look back at Carter’s life, none of us can deny that he leaves a legacy. But a legacy is not only for prominent people. Every single one of us leaves a legacy of some kind. It’s up to us whether that legacy is good, bad, or somewhere in between.

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” — Shannon L. Alder

Look at your own life and determine what kind of legacy you want to leave. And then, ask yourself, “Does my life reflect the legacy I want it to?” If it doesn’t, start thinking about the big and small things you can change in your life to build the legacy you want.

Reflect on those who left a legacy for you

Every person is affected by the generations that came before, whether they want to be or not. It’s apparent in Carter’s life that his upbringing left a lasting legacy. So, think about your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, schoolteachers, coaches, neighbors, friends, and even people throughout history or in public service who have had an impact on the way you view yourself and the world. Each of these people left a legacy with you – some good, some bad. Now, think about the legacy you’ve built so far with those around you. Are you happy with it? Or are there some things you’d like to change?

(Carter received the Nobel Peace Prize for his dedication to conflict resolution, human rights, and social development)

Realize that leaving a legacy is not a choice

Whether you want to or not, you will leave a legacy because the people around you will remember you a certain way, depending on how you handled yourself and treated others. It’s up to you whether you have an accidental legacy or an intentional one. While Carter may or may not have initially set out to create a legacy, he did nonetheless. There’s nothing you can do to prevent people from forming an opinion of you, but you can contribute to whether that opinion – your legacy with that person – teaches them how to live well and love others or not.

Remember that quality time spent with others is the most important

When you involve yourself in the lives of others, you have an impact on their lives. Just as Carter had a profound impact on his wife, his children, and countless others, so can you. As the saying goes, when we near the end of our lives, we don’t wish we had worked more; we wish we had lived more. That includes spending time with the most important people in our lives. As you seek to leave a legacy:

Look for opportunities to know others and be known by them
Model and teach what’s most important
Compliment, encourage, and build up your family, children, and grandchildren
Share the wisdom that you have gained in your life and pass along the knowledge

With our legacies, we contribute to the future. What we do and say affects the lives of others and has the power to create good or bad. What we do matters. Most of us are not prominent people whose names are known by thousands, but that doesn’t ultimately matter. Instead, it is our responsibility as good men and women to create legacies that will take our families and the next generation to a level we can only imagine.

Let’s be intentional about the impact we have on others and create legacies worth remembering.

To learn more about how to build a legacy, make sure to read How to Leave a Meaningful Legacy.

Nov 25

Love0

Man and woman in black clothing leaning on each other in a comforting way as they attend a visitation

Viewing vs. Visitation: What’s the Difference?

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Planning Tools

After losing a loved one, you will have to make many decisions regarding what type of services will best honor their unique life. As you speak with a funeral director, they may ask you, “Would you like to have a viewing or a visitation?” These two terms may seem interchangeable, but they actually aren’t. Let’s talk about the key difference between them.

What is a Viewing?

For some people, it’s important to physically see a loved one before they are laid to rest. At a viewing, the deceased’s body is available to “view,” often lying in a casket with flowers or memorabilia nearby. You can choose to have a public viewing or a private, family-only viewing.

The act of viewing the person can play an important role in the grieving process. It’s an opportunity to say goodbye in person, to touch that special person one final time, to kiss their forehead in farewell. It’s also an opportunity to truly acknowledge the reality of the death. Sometimes, the truth of a loved one’s death doesn’t feel real at first, but by seeing their body for yourself, the reality of the death begins to sink in. And as hard as it may be, accepting the reality of the death is an important aspect of the healing process.

Additionally, the viewing may also provide an opportunity to pay respects to the surviving family. It’s not required that the family be present at the viewing, but most of the time, they are. The viewing gives mourners access to the grieving family and the chance to offer condolences and support following the death.

What is a Visitation?

On the other hand, a visitation is a little different. The surviving family must be present, but the deceased’s body is not visible. While there may be photos, an urn, or even a closed casket, there is no viewing of the body itself.

Instead, the focus of the visitation is on paying one’s respects by offering support and condolences to the grieving family. It’s a time for surviving family members to make themselves available to friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors who want to offer their sympathies. It’s also a time to share stories about the deceased and comfort each other through shared grief.

Because the funeral service itself has an order of events, it’s not always the best time to offer support and condolences. The visitation is more casual and provides the chance to speak freely and as long as you want without the time constraints of the funeral service.

Are there Any Similarities?

Absolutely! Here are a few ways in which the viewing and visitation are similar to each other:

They may both include an opportunity to pay respects to surviving family members
Each event may be personalized to reflect the life of the person who has died
There may be refreshments or a meal provided, if the family wishes
The event can take place at the funeral home, church, community hall, or even a residence (depending on local regulations)
It doesn’t matter whether you choose burial or cremation, you can still have a viewing or visitation (though embalming is generally recommended for the viewing)

Could I Have a Viewing AND a Visitation?

Yes, you could, but to keep things less stressful for the grieving family, it’s often recommended to simply have a viewing with the family also present. By doing so, you cut down on the number of events the family must attend while still achieving the benefits of both a viewing and a visitation.

Is a Visitation or Viewing Required?

Neither of these events are required. It’s entirely up to your personal preferences whether you’d like to include either one. They do have their benefits, so speak with your family and the funeral director as you decide whether to include them or exclude them from a loved one’s final tribute.

Are There Times When a Viewing is Not Recommended?

Yes, there are times when the funeral director may recommend that the family skip the viewing. Most of the time, this recommendation is made because the body is not as presentable. While funeral homes can do wonders with cosmetics or restorative arts, there are times when it’s not enough to restore a loved one’s appearance to how you remember them. In these cases, the funeral director will use their professional judgment and suggest you skip the viewing. The final decision will be up to the surviving family members.

When Does a Viewing or Visitation Occur?

As you plan the funeral service with your chosen funeral director, you can discuss the options. The two most common choices are:

Have the visitation/viewing the evening before the funeral service. This allows anyone unable to attend the funeral service a secondary opportunity to say goodbye and offer their support.
Have the visitation/viewing the hour prior to the funeral service. This option means that the grieving family only has one event to attend, but there may be some people unable to attend due to their own work or personal schedules.

Ultimately, it’s up to the family to decide what’s best for their own grief and for honoring their loved one’s life.

Personalization is Key

Now that you have a better understanding about the key differences between a viewing and a visitation, it’s essential to discuss the importance of personalization. For an event to be meaningful, it must also be personalized. You can go simple or elaborate, but the personal touches will make the viewing or visitation that much more special to the grieving family and any other mourners.

Here are a few resources that will help you personalize the event, whether you choose a viewing or a visitation:

Nov 19

Love0

8 Christmas Keepsake Crafts to Honor a Loved One’s Memory

By christy.kessler Christmas, Grief/Loss

Person holding homemade heart plush in hands

During the holidays, feelings of grief may feel even closer to the surface. Even if it’s been years since the death occurred, the family togetherness of the holidays can bring out fresh emotions. And that’s okay. It’s completely normal to feel this way and to miss someone who’s no longer here.

To help you turn your grief into healing action, consider creating a keepsake craft that will honor your loved one’s memory and bring a little comfort to your own heart. And when appropriate, don’t be afraid to invite the kids or grandkids into the process!

8 Christmas Keepsake Crafts to Honor a Loved One’s Memory

Some of these crafts are harder than others, so either choose one that fits your craft level or be prepared to learn a new skill. You can do it!

1. Commemorative Candle

Making commemorative candle at home with special scents and added lavender

With commemorative candles, you could purchase a candle in your loved one’s favorite scent or color. To personalize it a bit more, you could write their name on the candle with glitter pens or gemstones. Alternatively, you could get a white candle and create a candle wreath of their favorite flowers or make your own candle with special scents and add-ins. Or, if you just don’t trust your crafting abilities, you could go online to Etsy or a similar site and choose a memorial candle there.

2. Memorial Ornament

Making fabric Christmas ornaments from felt

If you’d rather create a memorial ornament for the tree, there are so many websites out there with instructions on how to create the perfect one – with levels from beginner to advanced. You could get a picture frame ornament and have your loved one’s name engraved on it. If they particularly loved reindeer or elves, you could put together an ornament based on these themes. You could also create a quilted ornament using fabrics with meaningful imagery. The possibilities are vast; all you have to do is select the one that appeals to you personally.

3. Decorative Wreath

Woman decorating wreath at home with ribbon

For those who love beautiful wreaths, creating a memorial wreath may be a good option. You could display it in your home or place it at a loved one’s final resting place. The design is entirely up to you, but you could use seasonal flowers, photos, miniature items to represent your loved one’s favorite things, or even add a few of their preferred Christmas candies. Alternatively, you could create an ornament wreath, using their favorite ornaments to fill in the wreath. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to personalizing the wreath. Here’s a tutorial to get you started.

4. Christmas Stocking

Three red and white Christmas stockings hanging from a mantel

Christmas stockings are a staple in many homes during the holiday season, and they are usually displayed in a prominent place in the home. If you’d like to keep your loved one’s memory near the forefront, you might consider sewing a memorial stocking. You can personalize the design and add their name to it. Then, when it’s placed with the other stockings, you will have a comforting, visual reminder of the person you love. You can even encourage family members to write down memories and slip them into the stocking over the holiday season.

5. Personalized Pillow Cover

Red and white pillow sitting gifts and a Christmas display

Even though they may not seem like it, pillow covers are easier to make than you might think. The biggest question is – what fabric will you use? And do you want it to say anything? You could have your loved one’s picture printed on fabric to use on the pillow. Or you could monogram a quote from their favorite Christmas movie. To make it even more personal, you could use articles of your loved one’s clothing to design the pillow cover. All of these options will create a sweet keepsake you can cherish for Christmases to come.

6. Memory Chain Garland

Person making a garland with Christmas trees and stars

Perhaps the easiest craft option on the list is to create a memory garland to lay on your mantle or wrap around a staircase or doorway. All you need is paper, scissors, tape/stapler, possibly string, and a few people to help. As you put together each piece of the paper chain, write down special memories of your loved one or things about them that you are missing this holiday season. As you talk together and reminisce, you may find that the ache in your heart lessens as you take time to share special moments and remember your loved one’s life.

7. Memory Table Runner

Four Christmas table runners sitting on table with ornaments

Do you enjoy decorating with table runners? Then this keepsake craft may work well for you. The design portion is entirely up to you. Maybe you want to keep the holiday theme but add some fabric photos of your loved one on Christmases past. Or you could add other personalized elements, like a border in their favorite color. Remember to draw out your design first, so you get a visual of what it will look like. And if you’d like to include the family in the final product, leave space for people to write down favorite Christmas memories with fabric pens.

8. Memorial Stuffed Animals

Knit white bear with red scarf and pulling sled with Christmas tree

If there are children or grandchildren in your life, you could sew or knit memorial stuffed animals as a gift. You can include a small tag on the animal with a special message from the person who has died, like “I love you” or “I miss your hugs.” You could also use a lost loved one’s clothing or leftover yarn as the chosen fabric for memorial animals. In this way, there is an added element of personalization to the gift. When the child is really missing your loved one, they can squeeze the animal and find comfort. And as they grow older, it will continue to be a cherished reminder of both you and the person who has died.

If none of these Christmas keepsake craft ideas appeal to you, not to worry! This list is far from comprehensive. Just do a quick search online, and you will find a treasure trove of options to consider. But no matter what craft idea you decide to go with, may creating something to honor your loved one’s memory soothe your heart and comfort your soul this holiday season.

Nov 19

Love0

Lit red candle sitting in window in remembrance of a loved one

12 Days of Christmas Remembrance Activities

By christy.kessler Christmas, Grief/Loss

While traditionally the 12 Days of Christmas start on December 25 and end on January 5 (the day before Epiphany), the timeframe has been culturally adapted over the years to occur earlier in the month or even later into January. So, for the purposes of this Christmas remembrance activities list, whatever 12 days you want to consider your 12 Days of Christmas is up to you.

Bearded grandfather sitting with grandkids, looking at pictures and telling stories

The point of this exercise is to give you an easy list of remembrance activities that you can use to honor and remember a loved one this holiday season. It’s okay to miss them, and it’s good to find a way to keep their memory alive for remaining family and friends. Acts of remembrance bring comfort, healing, and a closeness you may be seeking at Christmas. So, here’s a 12 Days of Christmas Remembrance Activities list you could use with your family this season.

1st Day of Christmas: Put Up a Memory Stocking

Three knit stockings hanging on the mantel with wreath garland

On the first day of Christmas, consider putting up a memory stocking. Either put up the stocking your loved one always used or a special one. Throughout the holiday season, your family can write down memories or thoughts or draw pictures and place them in the stocking. Then, perhaps near the end of your 12 days, you can all sit down together, read the notes, and remember your loved one together.

2nd Day of Christmas: Light a Candle

Lit red candle sitting in window in remembrance of a loved one

For a long time, candles have been a symbol of remembrance. Keeping the light burning throughout the holiday season signifies that the memory of a loved one still shines bright. You could select a special candle and light it each day. Alternatively, especially if you have kids in the house, you could purchase an electric candle that you can leave lit all the time. Either way, each time you see the candle, you’ll be reminded of your loved one and the special place they have in your heart.

3rd Day of Christmas: Bake Your Loved One’s Holiday Favorites

Father baking Christmas cookies with his two young daughters, happy and having fun

Christmas comes with the comfort of so many delicious and familiar smells wafting from the kitchen. To bring your loved one’s memory into the festivities, consider adding their favorite foods and desserts to your menu. Whether it’s the family-famous cinnamon shortbread cookies or the green bean casserole with extra onions, it will feel good to include their favorites in the holiday preparations. And if you cry a little bit, that’s okay. It’s good to find positive ways to balance grief and joy during the holiday season.

4th Day of Christmas: Watch Your Loved One’s Favorite Christmas Movie

Mother sitting on couch, watching a Christmas movie with her young children

Watching Christmas movies is a time-honored tradition for so many families. There’s something oddly comforting about the tradition of bringing out the movie favorites each year. If this is true for your family, consider setting aside an evening to watch your loved one’s preferred Christmas movie. Make an evening of it, complete with popcorn, snacks, and a cozy blanket to snuggle up under. You could even bring out a photo of your loved one, so they can “watch” the movie with you.

5th Day of Christmas: Attend a Remembrance Service

Three white remembrance candles against the backdrop of a church's stained glass window

It’s fairly common for churches and funeral homes to host remembrance events around the holidays. They are very much aware of the need to remember those loved and lost. Because of that, you should be able to find a remembrance event happening in your town or a neighboring one. If you’d like to attend, consider taking the whole family or inviting close friends. There’s something comforting about sharing a loved one’s memory with others. And if there are no remembrance events in your town, invite people over to your home for a remembrance dinner instead!

6th Day of Christmas: Create a Remembrance Ornament

Red, cross-stitched heart ornament

A remembrance ornament is a great way to honor a loved one’s life. You can pull it out each year as a continual reminder of the love shared between you. If you like to keep it simple, choose an ornament at the store that reminds you of that special person. Alternatively, you could use papier-mâché, wood, fabric, or other materials to create your own. You could also use buttons, glitter, beads, sand, seashells, rocks, or seeds to create a unique design. The possibilities are numerous.

7th Day of Christmas: Listen to Your Loved One’s Christmas Playlist

Family dancing to Christmas playlist, enjoying time together

Music is a big part of the holidays. From the classics like “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” to more contemporary options like Kelly Clarkson’s “Underneath the Tree,” there are so many melodies that may bring back memories. To honor your loved one’s memory, put together a short playlist of their favorites and blast it around the house. Not only will the music touch your heart, but it will also help you add meaning to the holidays.

8th Day of Christmas: Volunteer at Your Loved One’s Favorite Charity

Three people volunteering outdoors and planting trees and bushes

At Christmastime, many people focus on giving back to the community and helping others. If your loved one had a favorite charity, you could volunteer on their behalf or give a memorial donation. Alternatively, you could sign up for a 5k benefiting a local organization, spend time at the animal shelter, or deliver meals to homebound seniors. Whatever seems the best way to honor your loved one’s memory, do that and remember them.

9th Day of Christmas: Visit Your Loved One’s Final Resting Place

Person visiting a loved one's final resting place and leaving red roses as a token of their love

Another remembrance activity to consider is visiting your loved one’s grave. You can bring a wreath, a poinsettia, notes, or other meaningful items to leave behind as a token of your love. And if your loved one was not laid to rest in a cemetery, visit the place where their ashes were released or a place that is particularly meaningful to you. It doesn’t really matter where you go, so long as it’s a place where you feel a sense of closeness and kinship to the person who has died.

10th Day of Christmas: Bring Out the Family Photos

Group of family photos at Christmas

As visual beings, we often associate memories with images and items. Sit down and scroll through your social media history or bring out the photobooks. Talk about the stories behind the photos. As you reminisce, you will feel closer to your loved one and can honor different aspects of their personality. Were they the prankster on family trips? Did they always have 15 books when the trip was only 3 days long? Lean into the details and remember the uniqueness of who they were.

11th Day of Christmas: Wear a Christmas Sweater They Loved

Young woman sitting on couch at home, wearing an ugly Christmas sweater and working on her laptop

Was there a particular Christmas clothing item that your loved one just adored? Maybe it was that ridiculous llama sweater with festive lights or the socks with the cat’s face printed on them, complete with a Santa hat. Whether the clothing item belonged to them or you, consider taking it out of the closet and wearing it in their memory. It could be anything – shirt, pants, socks, earrings, whatever. And if you can’t think of a particular item, buy something you know would tickle their funny bone and think of them when you wear it.

12th Day of Christmas: Write Your Loved One a Letter

Man in sweater sitting at table, writing a letter and softly smiling

For the final healing activity, take a few minutes to look inward. Sit down in a quiet place and write your special person a letter. Let them know that you miss them. Tell them how the holidays have been going, what the kids or grandkids are up to, or what holiday activities you’ve done so far. During the grief journey, expressing your emotions and sharing what’s on your heart is so beneficial to helping you find the balance between grief and joy.

Now, this Christmas remembrance activities list is not set in stone. Feel free to switch around the days or add in your own ideas. This is merely a framework with some suggested activities to get you started. Personalize the 12 Days of Christmas Remembrance Activities to your family’s preferences and needs and create truly sweet moments this holiday season. May you find hope, peace, and joy as you honor and remember your lost loved one and keep their memory alive.

Nov 12

Love0

Black urn sitting outside in a natural setting

Urn Burial: Understanding the Basics

By christy.kessler Cremation, Explore Options, Planning Tools

When you choose cremation, there are a lot more choices than you might think. Would you like to have a service before or after cremation takes place? If so, would you like to add personalized details? What kind of cremation casket/container do you prefer? And amongst those questions is this – what is your plan for the cremated remains once cremation is complete? For some, urn burial is a great option to consider. Let’s learn more!

What is Urn Burial?

Just like it sounds, the urn is buried in the ground (like a casket), and there is a personalized grave marker with birth and death dates. Many cemeteries will require an urn vault (which encases the actual urn) to ensure the ground stays level as time passes. In general, urn burial will cost less than casket burial because cemetery plots are smaller in size and urns cost less than caskets.

If you would like to bridge the gap between a traditional burial ceremony and cremation, then urn burial could be a good choice for your family. It also provides a permanent place for friends and family to visit the lost loved one whenever they wish.

Where Can You Bury an Urn?

After you’ve decided that urn burial is the route you’d like to go, the next step is deciding where to bury the urn. Let’s review your options.

Burial in a Cemetery

Perhaps the most popular option, burial in a cemetery is relatively easy to coordinate and gives your family a place to visit and leave memorial items after a loved one has died. Many cemeteries offer an urn burial section, and as stated before, the cost is more affordable because an urn requires less space.

Cemeteries often require that you bury the ashes in a cremation urn vault. This prevents the ground from caving in and becoming uneven should the urn begin to deteriorate over time. To be clear, in most cases, this means you would select an urn (decorative, stone, wood, etc.) and that urn would then be placed in the urn vault before burial takes place.

Burial in an Urn Garden

Some cemeteries also offer urn gardens or memorial gardens as an option for urn burial. These gardens provide a natural setting with flowers, trees, water features, and sometimes reflection pools. However, there may be special rules around grave markers to ensure the garden maintains a clean look.

Urn gardens are not available in every town or city, so if you would like to pursue this option, speak with your funeral director. They will have a good sense of the options available in your area.

Burial in a Green Cemetery

For some, natural settings provide peace, tranquility, and an eco-friendly option. However, with green cemeteries, there will be specific requirements on which types of urns you can use.

Many green cemeteries will ask you to choose an urn that is all-natural and biodegradable with no synthetic glues, stains, or metal components. They will likely have eco-friendly urns available for purchase in materials like natural woods, ceramic, paper, or cardboard, to name a few.

Burial on Your Personal Property

Can you bury an urn in your backyard? In some states, you can. If you would like to bury a loved one’s ashes on your personal property, make sure you investigate state or local regulations first. There may be zoning laws or distance requirements that could prohibit you from urn burial on your property. Additionally, you may be required to have a special permit or to designate the land as a family cemetery. To see the regulations in your state, click here.

Additionally, it’s good to consider the long-term implications, such as property transfer. If you decide to sell your home at some point, you will either need to disclose to prospective buyers that there are human remains buried on the property, or you will need to dig up the urn and take it with you to your new home.

Burial on Someone Else’s Private Property

If you have a friend who owns acres and acres of land, and you have their permission to bury a loved one’s urn, then in most cases, you can do it. But as a reminder, look into those rules, regulations, and ordinances first. Every state’s requirements are different, so to make sure everything stays legal, look at the fine print.

If you are interested in burial on land that belongs to a corporation, business group, or even federal land, the likelihood of gaining permission is slim. For example, if you’d like to bury a loved one’s urn at their favorite National Park, you are unlikely to receive permission. While most National Parks allow scattering, they don’t allow burial. If you are denied permission to bury, it’s best to accept that decision and move on to your second choice.

What Types of Urns are Best for Urn Burial?

The best type of urn to choose depends on your personal preferences and the burial location. Before you can choose an urn, you first need to decide what type of urn burial you want. Once you’ve chosen, select which type of urn would work best.

Here are a few of the main types:

Temporary urn (box used to return ashes to the family)
Custom-built or personalized urn
Biodegradable, eco-friendly urn
Stone urn (which will also serve as a vault)

When choosing an urn, consider the material, design, size, and functionality. For example, if you’ve chosen burial in a green cemetery, there’s no point in looking at stone urns. Instead, your best bet is to look at biodegradable urns.

The material, design, and size will affect the pricing to a certain extent, so keep that in mind. Some metals or wood will be more expensive than others. If you’d like a custom shape, like a guitar for a musician’s funeral, that will add to the overall cost. However, these personalized details often carry rich meaning, and if they provide a way for you to honor your loved one’s life, carefully consider whether to customize the urn or not.

Regarding the size of the urn, make sure you know how much space the burial plot includes and purchase accordingly. Some cemeteries may even require specific dimensions, so confirm with the cemetery staff before choosing an urn or vault.

Urn Burial FAQs

To ensure you have the answers you need, check out these frequently asked questions.

Can you bury only part of the ashes?

If you’d like to keep a portion of the ashes for cremation jewelry or to place in a keepsake urn in your home, you can do that. Just make sure that you inform the cemetery, so they know the exact amount of remains to be buried.

Can you bury two urns in one burial plot?

It will be up to the cemetery’s regulations, but many do offer shared plots, allowing spouses or families to rest together. If this is important to you, speak with your preferred cemetery about their specific options.

Can you bury ashes without an urn?

You will need to double-check with your chosen cemetery, but many will require some sort of container. With a traditional cemetery, you can bury with an urn vault only, which means you would not need a decorative urn.

If you choose a green cemetery, it’s unlikely they will require an urn vault, but they may still request some sort of biodegradable container.

There may be some cemeteries that allow you to place the ashes directly in the ground (no urn or vault), but they are less common and may be harder to find in your area.

Do some urns serve as their own burial vaults?

If you select a stone urn, such as marble, onyx, or granite, the cemetery may not require that you also have an urn vault. Stone is not going to degrade in the same way as wood, ceramic, metal, or glass. However, ask the cemetery personnel what their policy is regarding stone urns. The answer may vary from state to state or cemetery to cemetery.

What material should I choose for the burial urn?

It all depends on your burial plan. Stone, metal, and marble offer longevity, durability, and strength. Biodegradable materials are preferred for green or natural burial. Speak with the funeral home or cemetery staff to get a sense of what works best for your specific needs.

Can you bury cremated remains you’ve had at home for a while?

Absolutely. In fact, it’s best to have a permanent plan for a loved one’s remains. Keeping the ashes at home is fine for a time to aid in healing. But keep in mind – someday you, too, will die. What happens to the ashes then? A younger family member may not realize the significance of the urn and simply clean out the house, not realizing the ashes were even there. Rather than have something unfortunate occur, make a plan for your loved one’s ashes – scattering, burial, placement in a columbarium – even if you don’t plan to remove the urn from your home for another 5 or 10 years.

Can you change your mind or move the urn after burial?

If you change your mind after urn burial has taken place in a cemetery, speak with the cemetery personnel to discuss your options. There may be restrictions on unearthing the urn once it’s placed in a cemetery. However, at your home, you can unearth the urn to allow you to scatter the remains or give them a different permanent home.

Disclaimer: This is general information, not legal advice. Consult a funeral director in your area to confirm, as state and local laws may vary.

Nov 03

Love0

Young woman sitting on couch, wiping eyes with tissues, as grief therapist offers comfort

6 Tips for Processing Grief in the Aftermath of Suicide

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Loss from Suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is confusing, devastating, and can possibly lead to years of processing the questions and the pain. In some cases, you may never fully understand what happened or what was going on in your loved one’s mind. But even without all the answers, you can heal and find the strength to move forward. To help yourself or a dear friend navigate the aftermath of suicide, consider following these 6 tips.

1. Don’t give guilt or anger a foothold

After losing a loved one to suicide, it’s common to feel a range of emotions, ranging from guilt to depression to anger at the person who has died. You may ask yourself what you could have done to prevent the tragedy and become overwhelmed by guilt. Even as you grapple with these questions, the most important thing to realize is that the death was not your fault.

Studies have found that 46% of people who die by suicide have a known mental health condition, and other risks factors include substance abuse, intoxication, chronic illness, history of abuse, family history of suicide, or a recent tragedy, to name a few. In all likelihood, you were not directly involved in any of these factors.

Realizing these two fundamental truths – that your loved one may have been suffering from a mental illness and that their death was not your fault – can allow you to understand and sympathize with your loved one. Free yourself from guilt and anger. Embrace compassion for yourself and your lost loved one. Consider participating in healing actions, like telling the story of your loved one’s life, finding ways to honor their memory, or cultivating compassion for others who suffer from mental illness.

2. Find a good therapist

Grief therapy can be helpful for anyone experiencing the pain of loss, but for those who have lost loved ones to suicide, it is particularly beneficial. The traumatic nature of suicide makes loved ones more susceptible to intense psychological distress, and professional help is required in many of these cases.

Counseling helps suicide loss survivors see the situation more clearly, and a trained therapist can help you understand the psychiatric problems your lost loved one faced. The therapist may also be able to help you recognize and stop unhealthy patterns of thinking so you can grieve in a healthy manner.

3. Surround yourself with people you love

You may be tempted to isolate yourself and try to come to grips with suicide loss on your own. But isolation breeds unhappiness, especially after a traumatic event. Instead, make a concentrated effort to stay connected to the people who matter in your life.

If you are a person of faith, visit with people in your spiritual community. Invite friends over or go out to social events. Talk to family members often and look for opportunities to socialize. Those who have lost loved ones to suicide often struggle with depression in the months after the loss, and studies indicate that social interaction is a great way to decrease depression. Friends and family members can keep you anchored in a routine, and their love will provide you with a sense of safety, security, and familiarity.

4. Join a support community

In addition to speaking with a therapist and staying in contact with close friends and family, you may also want to consider finding a support community. After a loss, you may feel totally alone. Joining a support group will help you realize that you aren’t alone and will allow you to form new connections that will give you strength and encouragement as you travel down the road to healing.

Groups such as Survivors of Suicide Loss (SOSL) and Alliance of Hope allow you to hear the experiences of others who have lost loved ones to suicide. They also give you the opportunity to share your thoughts (if you wish to). You might find that expressing your feelings in a welcoming and sympathetic environment helps you work through the loss and provides the encouragement you need to continue your journey toward healing.

5. Be patient with yourself

Next, remember that grief follows no timeline, and there is no rush. You have experienced a loss that is enormously painful. It’s normal to find yourself experiencing periods of deep sadness, even long after the loss. When those grief bursts or triggers come, allow yourself to cry or express frustration when you need to.

The fact is you will never stop missing your loved one. But over the course of time, you can find ways to enjoy life again. As you work toward healing, embrace what you feel and accept that it’s okay to be upset. Strive not to compare your grief feelings to the feelings of others. The grief journey is not linear – everyone is different. By allowing yourself (and others) to feel the emotions of grief without judgment, you can make a great deal of progress on your grief journey.

6. Establish your loved one’s legacy

For many people, it’s healing to find ways to remember the positive impact your loved one had on the lives of others. You might attend a prayer vigil or a gathering with loved ones where you all openly share memories and stories. You might give a memorial donation to a charity, start a scholarship, or participate in a 5K in their honor.

If you feel comfortable, you may even start a blog or find another way to write about what your loved one meant to you and those around you. Sharing the story of your loved one’s life can be an important healing step on your grief journey.

Woman in black dress holding white flower bouquet while visiting loved one's grave

While these 6 suggestions aren’t a miracle pill for recovering from suicide loss, each one will greatly benefit you. The journey ahead may not be easy, but working through the emotions of grief and finding healing is well worth the time and hard work. May you find the peace and healing you need and deserve!

christy.kessler

A Few Things to Keep in Mind

National Cemeteries Across the United States

Alabama

Alaska

Arizona

Arkansas

California

Colorado

Florida

Georgia

Hawaii

Idaho

Illinois

Indiana

Iowa

Kansas

Kentucky

Louisiana

Maine

Maryland

Massachusetts

Michigan

Minnesota

Mississippi

Missouri

Montana

Nebraska

Nevada

New Jersey

New Mexico

New York

North Carolina

North Dakota

Ohio

Oklahoma

Oregon

Pennsylvania

Puerto Rico

South Carolina

South Dakota

Tennessee

Texas

Utah

Virginia

Washington

West Virginia

Wisconsin

Wyoming

Step 1: Gather Important Information

Checklist

Step 2: Consider Estate Planning

1. Do you have a legal will?

2. If you do have a legal will, have you appointed an executor? And does your chosen executor have access to and know where to find all of your important documents?

3. Have you named your beneficiaries?

4. Do you want or need a trust?

5. Have you considered your digital estate?

6. Do you have any dependents (including pets)? Have you made your wishes clear regarding their well-being?

Step 3: Look Into Advance Funeral Planning

Step 4: Write Out Your Advance Care Directives (ACD)

Step 5: Keep It Current

1. Participate in Wellness Programs & Lifestyle Changes

2. Get Involved & Spread Awareness

3. Share Inspirational Stories of Hope

4. Find a Support Group

5. Connect to Grief Resources

St. Patrick’s Story

The Origin of the Holiday

The Importance of Ceremony

Biography

Before his presidency

During his presidency

After his presidency

Major Life Accomplishments

The Importance of a Legacy

Reflect on those who left a legacy for you

Realize that leaving a legacy is not a choice

Remember that quality time spent with others is the most important

What is a Viewing?

What is a Visitation?