christy.kessler, Author at Funeral Basics

Aug 31

Dark wood casket with flower spray of white flowers resting on top

Casket Design: Understanding Its Components

By christy.kessler Cemeteries, Educational, Explore Options

Dark wood casket with flower spray of white flowers resting on top

Up until the mid-1800s, the coffin was the most common burial container, but due to cultural shifts, the casket came into popularity around the time of the Civil War. For Americans living during and after this tumultuous time, there was a push to beautify death and distance themselves from its harsh realities.

The casket was one way the culture chose to enact this philosophy. Though it might seem strange to us today, the casket was viewed as more aesthetically pleasing than the coffin (it wasn’t shaped like the human body), and it was considered easier to customize to the family’s specifications.

But the casket is actually more complex than its simple design implies. Today, let’s talk about the different parts of a casket and how they contribute to the overall design.

Head Panel of the Casket

First, let’s talk about the head panel of the casket and all the parts that go into opening and closing the front lid of the casket.

Bridge

With half-couch caskets that split into two sections, the bridge refers to the smooth, interior section of the transverse cut in the lid where the split occurs. The bridge contributes to the casket’s shape and stability while also ensuring that the split in the lid is pleasing to look at (doesn’t look unfinished).

Cap Panel

Also called the interior panel, the cap panel refers to the inside of the casket lid. This section of the casket is easily customizable, and many families choose to include an image (often embroidered) that will be visible at an open-casket service.

Fold

Also called the gimp, the fold is a strip of metal, plastic, or cloth attached to the inside of the panel. It covers the area where the roll is attached and secures everything in place.

Hinge Piece

As you would expect, the hinge connects the lid to the body of the casket, making it possible to seal the casket and carry it without fear of the two pieces disconnecting.

Latch Pin

The latch pin is mounted on the edge of the casket and ensures that the lid closes firmly and securely, preventing an accidental opening. The pins come in various styles and in both right- and left-hand configurations.

Lid Flange

Sometimes called a rim or ogee flange, the lid flange plays a key role in providing a stable base for the casket lid. Made from durable materials like metal or plastic, the flange works with the latch pin to ensure the casket seals firmly for transport and burial.

Roll

Also known as puffing or the cove, the roll is the curved interior part that lines the rim and surrounds the cap panel. It provides a protective covering for the casket’s interior and improves the casket’s appearance.

Interior of the Casket

Next, let’s talk about the interior of the casket, where the body will lay in comfort and repose.

Extendover

This component of the casket interior wraps over the rim of the head panel, allowing the interior lining to fall over the edge for a more pleasing look. Used for purely aesthetic purposes, the extendover is not a functional part of the casket.

Hinge Cover

The hinge cover does what you’d expect: it covers the hinges to create a cleaner, polished look to the casket interior. Typically, the hinge cover is the same color as the roll and the lining to ensure a more cohesive appearance.

Lining

Caskets have an interior lining, often made from crepe, velvet, or satin. The material lines the entire interior of the casket and essentially creates a bed for the person who has died. The lining comes in various colors, and you can personalize it with designs or embroidery.

Overlay

The overlay is also called the throw or overthrow because it resembles a blanket draped over the foot panel of the casket. Often made from the same material as the lining, you can also add a little personalization with embroidery or other embellishments.

Overlay Skirt

The part of the overlay that is not visible to the eye (lines the interior of the foot panel) is called the overlay skirt or the apron. It extends downward into the casket, covering the entire interior of the foot panel section.

Pillow

The pillow is simply a cloth bag filled with soft materials that supports the head of the deceased as they lay inside the casket.

Pillow Box

To create the preferred reclining placement, the body must stay in a particular position. The pillow box is arranged under the pillow to ensure the person’s head remains in a comfortable place.

Pillow Fold

The pillow fold’s job is similar to the pillow box, in that it holds the body in position throughout services. It is a large, overstuffed pillow that is placed strategically around the deceased to ensure placement and create a natural look for mourners.

Foot Panel of the Casket

Next up, let’s discuss the foot panel and the parts of the casket associated with the bottom half of the lid.

Crown

The crown is another term for the top lid of the casket. It refers to basically every part of the lid that covers the casket above the rim.

End Panel

You might think the foot panel and the end panel are the same, but they aren’t. The foot panel is the bottom half of the lid while the end panel is the end cap of the bottom half of the casket.

Foot Panel

The foot panel is the bottom section of the lid of the casket (opposite the head panel).

Pie or Fish Tail

A wedge-shaped portion at the end of the crown that slants downward toward the top frame.

Top Body Molding

Also called the body ledge, the top body molding rests along the uppermost edge of the body panels. It is a decorative element, but it does contribute to the casket’s structural integrity and presentation.

Top Frame

Another component of the casket lid, the top frame is sometimes referred to as the rim or the ogee. Resembling a bit of an elongated “S,” the top frame’s shape keeps the casket from looking like just a big box. The top frame helps connect the pie tail to the top body molding, creating a seamless design.

Bottom of the Casket

To round out our exploration of casket design, let’s talk about the bottom half of the casket and all the components that create the base.

Arm

The arm connects the handle to the lug, and without it, the handle would not work. But with a strong, secure arm, pallbearers can carry the casket without worrying that the casket will slip from their grip.

Bar or Handle

The bar or handle gives pallbearers a place to grip the casket, making it easier to carry. There are three types of handles: the swing bar, the stationary bar, and the bail handle. A swing bar does what you’d expect: it is moveable and swings with the momentum of the casket. On the other hand, a stationary bar remains fixed in place. A bail handle combines the lug, arm, and bar into one unit and screws into the side panel.

Base Molding

The base molding is the trim that runs along the bottom edge of the casket. It provides both structural support and aesthetic appeal, creating a finished look for the casket overall.

Bottom

Unsurprisingly, the bottom is simply the lowest part of the casket, creating the base. Often, the interior will include additional padding to support the body.

Corner

The corner is the place where the sides and ends of the casket meet. In some cases, you can customize the corner by adding a piece that is straight, curved, or even in an urn style. If you’d like to personalize the corner, speak with your funeral director about the available options.

Lug or Ear

The lug is a component of the handle, attaching it to the casket body. Generally, there are eight lugs per casket (three on each long side and one on each short side).

Side Panel

The long right and left sides of the casket are called the side panels.

Tip

The tip covers the exposed end of the handlebar and adds a decorative element to the design.

Casket Customization

Now you know more about standard casket design! But don’t forget that you can commission a custom casket. By working with a casket designer, you can create a personalized casket that matches your loved one’s life. Whether you are interested in a unique shape, color, or decorative elements, the designer can help. Keep in mind, designing a custom casket will cost more. But if a custom design is important to you, talk to your funeral director about trusted local craftsmen.

If you’d like to learn more about caskets, check out these additional resources:

5 Differences Between Sealer & Non-Sealer Caskets
Rental Caskets: What You Need to Know
A Quick Guide to Oversized Caskets
A Quick Guide to Cremation Caskets
5 Questions to Ask When Selecting a Casket

Aug 30

Love0

Give Yourself Permission to Grieve

By christy.kessler AfterCare, Grief/Loss

You give yourself permission to grieve by recognizing the need for grieving. Grieving is the natural way of working through the loss of a love. [It] is not weakness nor absence of faith. Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired or sneezing when your nose itches. It is nature’s way of healing a broken heart. – Doug Manning

Family of three sitting on a bench outside, but the father is slightly transparent indicating that he is not actually present

In today’s world, grieving well can be difficult. Those who are hurting often feel like they have to “be strong” for others, whether it be family members, co-workers, or even strangers. In many ways, culture encourages us to hide our pain and appear like we’ve “got it all together” within days of losing a loved one.

Many of us even shy away from pain, fearing that if we let our feelings have free rein, we will be seen as “out of control.” Our minds rebel against the idea of anyone seeing our pain, how deeply affected we are, how not okay we feel inside.

But despite what culture says, what people may think, or what you’ve grown up hearing, expressing grief is the first step on the road to healing.

Grief Is a Natural Response

At its heart, grief is the natural result of love. When you love others deeply and wholly, you open yourself up to the grief that comes when they leave this world. And while death is a part of life, knowing that it’s coming doesn’t make processing a loss any easier when it happens.

Did you know that the word “bereaved” literally means “to be torn apart”? By that definition, when you’re grieving, you are being torn apart inside. It’s no wonder that you may feel tired, withdrawn, and quiet after a loss. During times like this, remember to be patient and allow yourself to go through the grief process.

Close-up on girl in green shirt crying with tears in her eyelashes

Nationally respected author, counselor, and grief educator, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, puts it this way: “Over many years of walking with people in grief, I have discovered that most of us are hard on ourselves when we are in mourning. We judge ourselves and we shame ourselves and we take care of ourselves last.”

The simple truth is that it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to NOT “be strong” in the face of loss. It’s okay to give yourself permission to grieve, to give outward expression to the internal anguish of your soul. You should feel free to express your emotions, not hide from them or feel ashamed of them. They are what they are, and they are a natural response to what you’ve lost.

Grief Is a Journey

By giving yourself permission to grieve, you begin a journey. The journey will require a lot from you, but it’s a road worth taking.

On the journey, you may feel many things: pain, loneliness, restlessness, vulnerability, fright, peacefulness, comfort, and love. As Dr. Wolfelt tells us, “Never forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. It’s not that you won’t be happy again. It’s simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the death.” Life will not be the same as it was before, but you can find a way to move forward.

Other people may not understand the depth of what you are feeling, and they don’t have to. You don’t need permission from other people to grieve. No matter how you express your grief – silence, weeping, screaming, quietness, thoughtfulness – it’s never going to fit into any particular mold. In fact, there is no “grief” mold. Every single person grieves the loss of a loved one differently, and that’s as it should be.

Grief Is a Process

As you begin your personal grief journey, remember these tips from Dr. Wolfelt:

1. Realize that your grief is unique.

No one else is exactly like you, and the relationship you enjoyed with your loved one was one-of-a-kind.

2. Take time to talk about your grief.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk with a safe person about the emotions swirling around inside you. Or you can write your thoughts down in a journal. Find a way to express what’s on the inside.

3. Anticipate feeling a range of emotions.

People experience many emotions after the loss of a loved one: shock, numbness, denial, anxiety, fear, guilt, sadness, relief, and more. You will feel some of these. It’s normal and natural to do so.

4. Be mindful of your physical and emotional limits.

You will be more tired, more emotionally sensitive. Learn what is too much for you right now and take things easy.

5. Find people to support you.

You don’t need to walk this journey alone. If you don’t have someone who can provide the support you need, find an organized grief support group.

6. Make use of tradition and ritual.

Take comfort in rituals as you remember a loved one. For example, you could watch your loved one’s favorite movie every year and keep the ritual (tradition) alive as a way to remember them.

7. Treasure your memories.

Write down the meaningful moments. Tell the stories. Share the essence of your loved one’s life with others. Cherish your memories; they will be a continual reserve of peace and comfort.

Grief Is Not a Problem to Be Solved

Finally, remember that grief is not an issue to be solved. It’s a natural part of being human, and it’s a process you must face for however long it takes. You may naturally prefer to ignore your pain, but trying to ignore it won’t make it go away. In fact, stuffing grief away can have serious consequences, and in some people, can lead to complicated grief or depression. Rather than avoid what you feel, give yourself permission to grieve. It just might be the best gift you can give yourself during a time of loss.

For more information about grief, check out the resources below:

When to Consider Professional Grief Therapy
10 Helpful Tips When Grieving a Loss
12 of the Best Books on Grief
10 Adult Coloring Books for Your Grief Journey
How Creativity Can Help You Deal with Loss
Grief & Difficult Relationships

Aug 25

Love0

Flower and vine design carved into headstone

5 Things a Monument Company Can Do for You

By christy.kessler Cemeteries, Educational, Memorial

One of the most common ways to honor a loved one’s life and memory is with a monument. Also called a grave marker, headstone, or tombstone, a monument often includes the person’s name, birth and death dates, and a short, heartfelt epitaph. But where do these monuments come from? How are they designed, and who installs them? Today, let’s talk about monument companies and 5 things they can do for you.

First, What is a Monument Company?

As with anything that requires manufacturing, there’s a company behind the product. A monument company focuses its skills and attention on creating custom memorial markers and headstones. They employ skilled craftsmen who are trained in stonework, engraving, carving, and other methods of manipulating stone or metal. There are many monument companies across the country, and your funeral home can direct you to the establishments local to your area.

5 Things a Monument Company Can Do for You

1. Design Consultation

When you make an appointment with a monument company, one of the first things you will do is sit down with a consultant. This professional will review your options, taking any cemetery requirements into account. They will talk you through selecting the perfect style and size as well as adding any personalized details, like an inscription, symbol, portrait, or artwork.

Whether you want a simple headstone or something with an intricate, detailed design, the consultant will show flexibility, creativity, and professionalism throughout the entire planning process. They will use sketches, 3D renderings, or other computer programs to help you visualize the design so that you can make tweaks and adjustments throughout the creation process. The average turnaround time after submitting an order is 6-12 weeks, but the timeframe will depend on the scope of the project.

2. Material Selection

If you’re like most people, you know almost nothing about selecting a material for a headstone. Thankfully, you don’t need to be an expert because the monument company has that covered. As you work with the consultant, they will help you understand the benefits and drawbacks of a variety of material options, from granite and marble to bronze and composite materials.

Though granite is perhaps the most popular option, there are other materials available depending on your circumstances and wishes. For example, marble is sensitive to weathering, but if your loved one’s final resting place is inside a mausoleum, then marble could be an excellent choice.

The consultant will review your design preferences and talk through the best materials to bring your vision to life. They will also discuss any drawbacks or potential concerns if you lean toward using a material that may not work best for the design you’ve chosen. Together, you will create a one-of-a-kind headstone that beautifully honors your loved one’s life and memory.

3. Custom Engraving and Carving

To create custom headstones for every family, the monument company must employ experienced professionals who excel at hand and laser engraving, carving, stone preparation, lettering, sandblasting, and many other specialized skills and techniques. With absolute precision, these professionals will rise to whatever challenges your custom design brings to the table.

You can request engraved names, dates, heartfelt messages, religious symbols, or meaningful quotes. If you prefer a carved design, you could request floral patterns, portraits, landscapes, military emblems, or custom artwork that holds significance to your family. Whether simple and elegant or highly detailed, engraving and carving add a special touch that transforms a headstone from something impersonal to a monument that celebrates your loved one’s life for generations to come.

4. Professional Installation

Have you ever wondered who actually installs headstones and grave markers? It’s often the monument company! The company handles delivery and works closely with the cemetery staff to guarantee correct placement. Professional installation ensures that the headstone is visually appealing, structurally safe, and compliant with cemetery regulations.

The installation process is quite detailed and includes site assessment, foundation preparation, precise alignment, and the final securing of the headstone. While most monument companies do provide installation services, others may not. So, when you have your consultation, make sure to ask about installation policies. If they don’t offer installation services themselves, the monument company staff can direct you to installers they trust.

5. Restoration and Maintenance

Even though headstones are designed for durability, they aren’t invulnerable. Time, nature, weather, and moisture all combine to affect a headstone’s longevity. That’s why occasional maintenance and restoration can ensure that a grave marker maintains its appearance and stability over the years.

Regular maintenance means cleaning stone surfaces from dirt and moss, checking the alignment, re-sealing inscriptions as needed, stain removal, and repairing small cracks or chips. With regular maintenance, your family can identify potential concerns early before they become costly repairs. Restoration and maintenance services can vary, so make sure to ask your monument company if they offer any long-term care packages that include headstone upkeep.

As you can see, monument companies provide a range of services that allow you to create and maintain a customized headstone. Their exceptional staff will answer your questions and ensure that your headstone design lovingly reflects your loved one’s life, legacy, and values.

Aug 18

Love0

Woman gives gift to grieving friend while they both sit on a couch

The Love Languages of Grief: Identifying and Asking for the Most Effective Grief Support for You

By christy.kessler Educational, Grief/Loss

When it comes to mourning and how others can best help us, there’s no one right way. Every person and every loss is unique. The people we grieve the loss of – as well as the circumstances of the loss – are also one-of-a-kind. After a significant loss, what we think and feel inside, in what ways we’re able to express those thoughts and feelings, and how we feel supported by others vary from person to person and loss to loss.

Yet, in his landmark 1995 book The Five Love Languages, author Dr. Gary Chapman introduced us to the idea that human beings feel cared for by others in five primary ways:

Receiving gifts
Spending quality time together
Hearing words of affirmation
Being the beneficiary of acts of service
Experiencing physical touch

White camellia flower in bush

According to Dr. Chapman, each of us “speaks” one of the five love languages. In other words, we feel most loved when we experience the language best suited to our unique personalities and ways of being in the world. We might also respond to a second or third love language, but we always prefer our primary love language.

In reviewing Dr. Chapman’s love languages recently, I realized that grouping the various helping techniques in this way could help mourners understand and recognize which forms of support and communication might be most effective for them.

I invite you to consider the following five ways of being supported in your grief. Which love language helps you the most?

1. Receiving gifts

In Dr. Chapman’s body of work, gifts of love are actual gifts – tangible, visible objects that we give to someone we care about as a means of expressing our affection and devotion. People whose primary love language is receiving gifts see presents as physical symbols of others’ love and thoughtfulness.

Do you enjoy getting presents? Are you someone who displays gift items in your home and feels a burst of love and support each time you see them? If so, receiving gifts might be your love language.

If you are someone who values the love language of gifts, consider letting your friends and family know that you really feel supported by tokens of empathy. You might appreciate flowers, for example. You might welcome gifts of food, inspirational books, photo frames, music, candles and ornaments.

With this love language, it can be tricky to ask for what you need. “Please give me gifts!” would be considered impolite by many. Still, consider sharing what you’ve learned about your love language with a good friend or empathetic family member who is also an excellent communicator. Perhaps she/he can take on the role of explaining to others the lasting meaning and ongoing support you find in physical objects.

And when you do receive a gift, be sure to write a heartfelt note of thanks or make a thank-you phone call.

2. Spending quality time together

For many people, there is no present more precious than the gift of presence.

Do you love spending time with the people who care about you? Do you enjoy their company, even when you’re not doing anything special together? Do you prefer company to solitude? If so, quality time might be your love language.

Let friends and family know the best way they can help you during your time of grief is simply to be there for you – literally. You crave and need their physical presence. Maybe you don’t want to be alone. Maybe you like lots of people around. If so, tell them.

Think about how you like to spend time with others. Playing cards? Watching TV? Going out and about? Hanging out in the same house but doing separate activities? Whatever you prefer, let friends and family know because they may feel unsure about what to do.

Consider, too, if you feel supported when you have the opportunity to talk to others about your grief. In general, sharing your story of love and loss is a good idea. It helps you work through your thoughts and feelings. Bottling those thoughts and feelings up inside can seem safer, but it’s actually more dangerous because it puts you at risk of becoming stuck in your grief journey.

Of course, your friends and family members aren’t the only ones who can help you with this love language. Be proactive about getting involved in your community. Volunteering, participating in activities at a place of worship or community group, socializing with neighbors – these are all effective ways to build in more quality time with other people.

And don’t forget that grief never completely ends. If this is your love language, you will need the healing presence of friends and family not just in the first month or two after the death but far into the future. Reaching out to plan ongoing get-togethers will help you receive the support you need.

3. Hearing words of affirmation

This griever feels most supported by words that are kind and encouraging. “Words of affirmation” might be your love language if you have a deep appreciation for hearing others tell you:

I love you.
I care about you.
I’m here for you for.
You are so loved/strong/genuine because _______________.
I have seen how you _______________.
You make a difference in the world by ______________.
Many people ______________ you.

If this describes you, let your friends and family know how meaningful you find it when they share these kinds of verbal messages with you. Tell them that their words of encouragement and support lift you up and help you through the darkest times.

Written words may be affirming to you as well. While they’re no replacement for in-person or phone conversations, handwritten notes, emails, and even texts may also be helpful and encouraging to you. If you’re a verbal griever, be sure to encourage all forms of spoken and written communications.

4. Being the beneficiary of acts of service

For some grievers, actions speak more loudly than words or mere presence. Do you appreciate help with tasks? Do you feel cared for when others go out of their way to help you with things that need doing? If so, this might be your love language.

Since the death of your loved one, have others said to you, “Let me know if I can do anything?” It’s a natural impulse for friends and family members to want to do something to show their support. Usually what happens, though, is that grievers don’t ask for assistance, so no assistance takes place.

So please, ask for assistance! People often do genuinely want to help, but they don’t know how. Suggest tasks and to-dos that suit their strengths. Ask your gardener friends to help with yard work, for example. Ask your bookkeeper family member to help with home accounting, bill paying, or tax preparation.

If one of your friends or family members is a good administrator, you might sit down with this person and go over all of the tasks that you need help with right now. This person can then assign the tasks out to others in your circle of support.

Finally, if this is your love language and you’ve asked your inner circle for help with tasks but aren’t receiving it, don’t be reticent to reach out beyond your inner circle. Others are waiting in the wings. Places of worship, volunteer organizations, neighborhood committees – these and other service-oriented groups often have programs and maintain lists of volunteers to assist with needs such as yours. It is likely that helping grieving families is something they would be glad to do. All you have to do is ask.

5. Experiencing physical touch

The griever who thrives on physical touch needs closeness. Are you someone who enjoys hugging, sitting close to others, maintaining eye contact, holding hands, and/or walking arm-in-arm? If so, this might be your love language.

If you’re someone who’s always valued physical touch, your friends and family members will know to expect it from you. Don’t stop now! You may, however, want to emphasize to them how extra-necessary you find their hugs and physical closeness during your time of grief.

If this is your love language, you might also be more prone to physical symptoms of grief. It’s common for people in mourning to experience stomachaches, heart palpitations, headaches, lack of sleep, and other physical symptoms. If bodily problems are making it hard for you to function and focus on healing, it’s a good idea to schedule a physical exam. Your primary caregiver may be able to help you with insomnia or other symptoms and put fears of illness to rest as well.

Those who crave touch will be soothed by regular contact. In addition to physical closeness with family and friends, physical activity may help you right now. Or consider inviting someone to take a walk with you each day. Physical proximity combined with exercise and supportive conversation may be just what you need to feel loved and supported right now.

I believe Dr. Chapman’s love languages offer a helpful framework for recognizing and understanding your own primary love language so that you know how to ask for and receive the most effective support in your grief. If you are interested in learning more about the love languages, you may want to read one of Dr. Chapman’s books on the topic. He has written versions focused on partners, parenting children, men and other types of relationships. The original and flagship title in the series was reissued in 2015 by Northfield Publishing under the title The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.

About the Author:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a noted author, educator, and grief counselor. Dr. Wolfelt believes that meaningful funeral experiences help families and friends support one another, embrace their feelings, and embark on the journey to healing and transcendence. Recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s Death Educator Award, Dr. Wolfelt presents workshops across the world to grieving families, funeral home staffs, and other caregivers. He also teaches training courses for bereavement caregivers at the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, where he serves as Director. Dr. Wolfelt is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. He is also the author of many bestselling books, including Understanding Your Grief, The Mourner’s Book of Hope, Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies, and The Paradoxes of Grief: Healing Your Grief With Three Forgotten Truths. For more information, visit www.centerforloss.com

Aug 14

Love0

NYC night skyline with two lights lighting the sky in place of the Twin Towers

9/11: Grief and Remembrance

By christy.kessler Current Events, Exclude from Top Posts, Grief/Loss

It’s been 25 years since the devastating terrorist attacks of 9/11. On September 11, 2001, two planes hit the World Trade Center in New York City, and one plane crashed into the Pentagon in Arlington County, Virginia. A fourth plane, headed to Washington D.C., was brought down in a Pennsylvania field in a struggle between civilian passengers and the hijackers. 2,996 lives were lost, and thousands were injured.

American Tragedy

The effects of the tragedy on American life were monumental, and the image of the planes hitting the buildings was burned into our collective consciousness. Across the nation, citizens sat in front of television screens, hardly able to believe their eyes. Over and over again, news stations showed the planes tearing through steel and glass, the plumes of smoke rising to the sky, and the citizens, firefighters, and police officers of New York City caked in dust and rubble.

As a nation, we mourned together. We mourned the disruption of national security, the desecration of a national symbol, and most discouraging of all, the loss of nearly 3,000 American lives. In 2009, Congress designated September 11 as a National Day of Service and Remembrance, officially marking the day as a time to reflect on the tragedy and honor the lives that were lost.

Personal Tragedy

But September 11 is hardest of all for families and friends who lost loved ones on that day. While the entire nation mourns the loss of its citizens, nobody grieves like a wife who lost her husband, a father who lost his daughter, or a child who lost a parent. For those who were personally connected to the victims of the terrorist attack, the weeks of early September are often extremely difficult to get through.

In the aftermath of 9/11, many of those who were personally tied to the attacks experienced significant psychological trauma. Many of the injured civilians, first responders, family members of the victims, and people who witnessed the terrorist attack firsthand struggled with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and sought out counseling and therapy. The events of 9/11 changed their lives forever, and their pain needs to be acknowledged by a loving and supportive community.

Support and Remembrance

For this reason, it’s important that we continue to show them that we care. We don’t need to crowd or overwhelm them. But we do need to honor the memory of their loved ones and take time to remember. When September 11 comes around, it’s tempting to dive into distractions to avoid thinking about the tragedy. But instead, we should take this time to fully address the events that occurred 25 years ago. Remembrance is the gateway to healing.

Moment of Silence

We are creatures of ceremony, and in difficult times, we often turn to rituals to acknowledge our true feelings. Funeral services do a particularly good job of allowing us to embrace our emotions. Funeral elements such as the visitation, the gathering, the time of eulogy, and the use of symbols, music, and readings enhance the ceremony.

In the same way, when a cultural event changes our lives, we can turn to rituals to process our thoughts. The moment of silence is a useful ritual we can participate in every year. This September 11, consider planning a personal moment of silence. In this way, you join others across the country in remembering the lives lost and showing your respect.

Meaningful Actions

Actions bring meaning to experience and help us heal. If you have an American flag, fly it at half-mast to honor the memory of the 9/11 victims. This national ritual functions as a powerful symbol of mourning and unifies us in our grief.

You can also use your social media account to express your support. On Facebook, you can like the National September 11 Memorial & Museum, or you can follow the Memorial Museum Account on X. Ask your family and friends to support this wonderful museum on their accounts as well. By doing so, you draw attention to a resource that does great work in honoring the lives lost on 9/11.

A Time of Healing

Times of reflection are times of healing. We need constant reminders, year after year. It will be healing when we remember in 2037, 2057, and 2077. We will never be “over” 9/11. By acknowledging the pain of the loss and allowing ourselves to mourn, we strengthen our ties and experience something valuable.

As anyone who has ever lost a loved one knows, the grief journey is not linear. Grief bursts occur throughout the lifetime of anyone who has experienced a loss. National grief bursts can occur as well, so it’s important that we acknowledge the continuation of grief after the tragedy. September 11 will never stop hurting. But through acts of remembrance, we can take healing steps, grow closer to each other, cultivate compassion, and become stronger people.

Aug 05

Love1

Woman cutting flowers to create a flower arrangement

Make It Personal: 6 Unique Funeral Personalization Ideas

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Personalization

Though a funeral is a time of mourning, it’s also a time for celebration and remembrance. With intentionality and thoughtfulness, you can create a final tribute that lovingly reflects the life, values, relationships, and ideals of the person who has died. And the beauty of personalization is that there’s no mold to follow!

Much like a wedding, you can customize every area of a funeral service to create a unique farewell for a one-of-a-kind person. But how do you get started? Today, we’ll talk about six ways you can personalize the service, but these ideas are just the tip of the iceberg. The possibilities are endless, and your funeral director can help you every step of the way.

1. Bring in a meaningful prop

In some cases, a larger item or prop instantly brings a certain person to mind. For example, did your loved one enjoy playing 18 holes every day in retirement? Bring in a golf cart and their stand bag with clubs. For a motorcycle enthusiast, park their Harley-Davidson in a place of honor.

No matter what your loved one was known for, you can use an associated item to add deeper meaning and dimension to the service. From an artist’s easel to a volunteer firefighter’s gear, make use of specific props to tell the story of your loved one’s life.

If you’d like to bring a larger prop into the funeral home, make sure you discuss your wishes with the staff first. They can help you coordinate the details and ensure everything goes smoothly.

2. Include your loved one’s favorite things

Your loved one was unique and had their own quirks and passions, things they particularly loved. You can use these interests to help you add a deeper level of personalization to the service.

Perhaps you can incorporate your loved one’s favorite color, showcase their prized pen collection, or arrange their artwork into a lovely display. Mourners can then walk by, reminisce, and smile at how accurately the items reflect your loved one’s life and passions. Not only will you highlight the things most precious to your loved one’s heart, but you will also infuse the service with their indomitable spirit.

3. Create a memorial work of art

A unique idea to consider is inviting funeral guests into a group activity where you create a work of art together. For example, you could create a craft station where guests will participate in creating a painting, a quilt, or even a scrapbook.

Encourage guests to write down their favorite memory of your loved one on a quilt square, create a scrapbook page, or paint a portion of a canvas with a memory, color, or picture that they would like to share.

By inviting guests to contribute, you will have a treasure trove of memories after the funeral. On days when you need to feel close to your loved one, you can admire the painting, pull out the scrapbook, or wrap up in the quilt you all created together as you cherish your loved one’s influence on their world of family and friends.

4. Make a collage or a timeline

If you have access to photos, you could create a collage that tells the story of your loved one’s life. Starting with their childhood, you could include your favorite images from the important events in your loved one’s life, like winning the 8^th grade science fair, graduation, getting married, having a child, or retiring from work.

Or you can skip the timeline and instead focus on highlighting the most treasured moments. With this option, you have a little more creative freedom as you place photos on the collage. You can also easily invite family or friends into the creation process to make the experience more collaborative.

But no matter how you choose to organize the images, find a way to tell your loved one’s story in a way that is meaningful and beautiful.

5. Invite guests to take an item home

Another personalization option is inviting guests to take an item or a token home with them after the funeral. For example, if your loved one was a voracious reader, consider taking some of their books to the ceremony with a note saying, “[Name] loved to read. Please take home and read one of [his or her] books in honor of [his or her] memory. The book is yours to keep!”

By including this action in the service, guests leave with a tangible reminder of your loved one’s life that will bring comfort and meaning. You could use any sort of item as a token, like recipe cards, seed packets, postcards, collection items, or anything your loved one may have cherished. What a sweet thing it is for guests to have something to take home that will serve as a small reminder of a person they loved.

6. Include favorite foods

Food is a love language in many families. If your loved one was always clear on their food preferences, consider whether you can somehow include those foods in the service. You might have an ice cream station at the visitation. Or arrange a fellowship meal after the service that includes all your loved one’s favorite dishes and desserts.

For one family, the funeral procession included stopping at the Burger King drive-thru for one more Whopper on the way to the graveside service. No matter what it looks like, including a favorite food can add a special touch to the service and maybe even elicit a smile or a laugh.

What’s next?

The ideas shared here are only the beginning. Take some time to think through personalized and creative ideas that will highlight your loved one’s unique spirit and personality.

As you brainstorm, consider favorite songs, readings, recipes, hobbies, pastimes, and funny quirks, as well as treasured memories, mementos, collections, and relationships. Any of these things may trigger ideas on how to best honor your loved one.

For more help with personalization, check out these additional resources:

Using Color to Personalize a Service
Practical Ways to Personalize the 7 Elements of a Funeral
10 Ways to Use Photos to Personalize a Service
6 Ways to Personalize a Casket
Setting the Tone for a Service: A Collection of Funeral Songs

Jul 12

Love0

10 Caring and Creative Sympathy Gifts

By christy.kessler Educational, Grief/Loss, Helping a Friend in Grief

When someone you know and care about loses someone they love, you may naturally want to reach out to offer your support. But what are the best ways to do that? Writing a condolence letter or attending the funeral are great options, but a sympathy gift can also communicate that you care.

While the most common sympathy gifts are flowers and memorial donations, there are so many other things you can do to walk alongside a grieving friend. Check out these 10 non-traditional ideas and see if any of these gift options inspire you.

1. Share Photos the Family Doesn’t Have

If you have any photos of the person who has died, consider sharing a copy with the grieving family. New images of a lost loved one can be comforting and heartwarming and help the family tap into events that shaped their loved one’s unique life. If you have access to a lot of photos, you could even put together a thoughtful collage and send it to the family with a condolence card.

2. Put Together a Self-Care Giftbox

Grief can take a toll on the body, both physically and emotionally. Because grief can be so exhausting, self-care becomes even more important. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, respected grief expert and counselor, says, “Good self-care is important [when you’re grieving]. The ‘lethargy of grief’ you are probably experiencing is a natural mechanism intended to slow you down and encourage you to care for your body.” To encourage your grieving friend to consider their own needs, consider putting together a care package filled with bubble bath, moisturizing lotion, face masks, or even a gift card for a manicure, pedicure, or massage.

3. Help Around the House

If you like to help in practical ways, you can offer to clean the house, mow the lawn, cook meals, or shop for groceries. We all tend to say, “Don’t worry; I’ll get to it,” but during times of grief, the most routine tasks take an extra measure of energy to accomplish. When you first offer, your friend may decline because they don’t want to inconvenience you. Kindly but firmly let them know that helping them is not inconvenient at all, and either offer to do specific tasks or ask them which tasks would be most helpful.

4. Gift a Grief Journal or Sketchbook

During times of grief, expressing what’s on your heart and mind is helpful. For some, that means writing things down, allowing the emotions to pour out on paper. Others need to sketch or paint their emotions, using various colors to depict different emotions. Creativity is an effective tool for expressing externally what is sometimes stuck internally. If you know that your grieving friend is a writer or an artist (and even if they aren’t), giving them a journal or a sketchbook might create a good outlet for self-expression.

5. Choose a Book about Grief

When you’re in the depths of grief, you might draw courage and inspiration from the stories of others. While your grief is not the same as someone else’s, hearing from other people can act as a reminder that you’re not alone. Everyone grieves and hurts. There are many books available about grief because every person deals with it at some point in their lives, though an often noted classic to consider is A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.

6. Create a Message Jar

With this idea, you’re a little more hands-on. Creating a message jar will take time and intentionality, but the results are comforting and worthwhile. To get started, you need a jar (you choose the size, color, decoration), and then, using slips of paper, write 31 notes with words of encouragement to your grieving friend. After receiving the jar, your friend will have an entire month’s worth of comfort and encouragement from you. If you wish to write fewer notes or more than 31, you can tailor the jar’s contents to your wishes. No matter the number of notes, this thoughtful gift will communicate just how much you care and show that your support is long-term.

7. Do Something for the Kids

Children also experience grief, and noticing their needs can comfort kids and parents alike. If you decide to do something for the kids, make sure to take their age into account. For example, you could give a stuffed animal to a small child or a remembrance necklace to an older one. You could bring favorite foods, books, or a specially made Christmas ornament. Your options are limitless. (Note: If you aren’t close to the family, consider getting permission from the caregivers before giving gifts to the kids.)

8. Offer Babysitting

Offering to take care of the kids for an evening is another practical gift you can give to a grieving family. The adult(s) may need time to think and process through overwhelming emotions, which can be very hard to do with little ones around. Time alone, or just the opportunity to go do some things solo, can be a rejuvenating and life-giving gift.

9. Volunteer Your PTO

Employment responsibilities don’t stop because you’re grieving. Some companies provide bereavement days, but there may be restrictions, such as only pertaining to the loss of immediate family. If you are close to a grieving co-worker, and your company allows it, you might consider donating one of your vacation days to a friend who needs a little extra time away from the office. While dependent on your company’s policies and whether you have any PTO days available, giving someone extra time to grieve is an incredible gift that can make a big impact on the days surrounding the death of a loved one.

10. Be Present

While some people do want to be alone in their grief, your presence is important. Not your advice or your own grief experiences, but your presence. Quiet. Thoughtful. Present. Available. We all need to know that someone cares, that someone acknowledges our grief and our right to grieve. Consider how you can simply be present and available to your grieving friend, and when they are ready, you can be a listening ear to someone who simply needs a friend.

Two elderly male friends walking and talking together

This list is far from exhaustive. If you’ve come up with another way to show your grieving friend that you care, go for it! The most important thing is to thoughtfully and meaningfully convey your love, support, and care during a time of grief and loss.

For more useful ideas and suggestions, check out:

Sympathy Gifts You Can Mail
Sympathy Cards: What to Write & Examples
8 Simple Tips for Writing a Meaningful Condolence Letter

Jul 11

Love0

Man standing next to casket with white rose in his hands

Planning a Funeral for Dad: A Comprehensive Guide

By christy.kessler Meaningful Funerals, Planning Tools

Dads are special people, their strength and steadiness worth remembering. While they may tell the worst jokes, their love and encouragement make you feel like you can do anything. They offer solace, protection, and guidance as you navigate the world and the unexpected challenges that come up. And now, after his passing, it’s your chance to honor and remember all the quirky little details that made him “dad” by creating a heartfelt tribute for an upstanding man. This comprehensive guide provides answers to common questions and will help you navigate through the process of planning a personalized and meaningful tribute for your one-of-a-kind dad.

Please note: If your dad completed funeral prearrangement plans, contact the funeral home he partnered with to review his preferred funeral wishes. With his preferences in hand, you can work closely with the funeral home to ensure that his life is honored in the way he chose.

Choose a Final Disposition

The first step is to choose which form of final disposition is best. Nowadays, the options for final disposition (your decision on what happens to a loved one’s physical body) continue to expand. Please take a moment to read the articles below to help you decide which option is most appropriate for honoring your dad.

Traditional Burial
Green Burial
Cremation
Natural Organic Reduction

Write a Touching Obituary

Another thing you will do early on in the planning process is write an obituary. You don’t have to be a great writer to beautifully express your love for your dad. Even as you include the expected details, consider how you might add little touches that reflect his unique life.

How to Write a Great Obituary
Writing an Obituary with AI: Dos and Don’ts

Personalize the Funeral Service

No matter what kind of service you put together, the event will be more meaningful if it is personalized. By adding special touches to the service, you can honor your dad’s life meaningfully and specifically. You can read “10 Ideas for Making a Funeral More Personal” or “Helping Your Family Personalize a Funeral” for help with brainstorming ideas.

Also, consider the benefits of including seven tried and true elements that help create a service that is meaningful, healing, and personal. These seven elements are music, readings, viewing/visitation, eulogy, symbols, gathering, and actions. Let’s look at each one in a little more depth.

Music

First of all, music sets the mood for a funeral and brings emotions to the forefront. In fact, one of the purposes of a funeral is to allow mourners to grieve together, and in many ways, music says what words cannot. Don’t be afraid to invite people to express grief. Did your dad have some favorite songs, instruments, or musical artists? Consider using any or all of them in the service.

How to Personalize Music at a Funeral
12 Songs to Honor Dad at a Funeral Service

Readings

Second, readings add another facet to a meaningful funeral. They are another way to invite mourners to express their emotions and bring your dad’s unique spirit to the service. Did he have a favorite book? Poem? Was he a person of faith who would want passages read?

How to Personalize Readings at a Funeral
Top 15 Bible Verses for a Celebration of Life Service

Viewing/Visitation

Third, the viewing or visitation is a time for family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors to gather and express support and sympathy. If you include a viewing, family and friends can see your dad one last time and begin to acknowledge the reality of his death. For many, it’s important to physically see the person who has died, and the viewing offers this opportunity.

How to Personalize the Visitation at a Funeral
3 Reasons to Have a Visitation

Eulogy or Remembrance

Fourth, the eulogy may be the single most important aspect of a funeral service. It is the time set aside to acknowledge and affirm the significance of your dad’s life. As you craft a eulogy, you can share treasured memories, quotes, or even his favorite jokes. The eulogy, sometimes called the “remembrance” or the “homily,” can be delivered by a clergy person, a family member, or even by a series of people.

8 Tips for Crafting a Eulogy
How to Personalize the Eulogy at a Funeral

Symbols

Fifth, symbols offer a focus point for mourners as well as a sense of comfort. Common symbols are a cross (or another appropriate religious symbol), flowers, and candles, but they can be almost anything. Did your dad hunt, fish, play a sport, like board games, or read a lot? You could display his fishing gear or lay out his favorite board game. If he liked reading, you could bring bookshelves to showcase his favorite titles. The possibilities are open. To help you choose symbols that are unique to your dad, consider reading “How to Personalize Symbols at a Funeral.”

Gathering

Sixth, the gathering is an opportunity for friends and family to come together after the funeral service to share stories and support each other. As people gather together, your dad’s life and legacy will be the main topic of conversation. You may even hear stories you’ve never heard before and find comfort in learning something new. To discover more about the gathering and how to personalize it to celebrate your dad’s life, read “How to Personalize the Gathering at a Funeral.”

Actions

And seventh, by inviting others into action at the funeral service, you engage mourners and invite them to put their grief into motion. Simply put, mourning is the outward expression of our inward grief. By including actions at the service, you can honor your dad and help others move toward healing. For example, you could provide a book where mourners can write a note to your dad, or you can ask everyone to wear his favorite sports team’s colors. For more ideas, make sure to read “How to Personalize Healing Actions at a Funeral.”

Opt for a Memorial Service

For some families, a memorial service works better than a traditional service. The main difference is that a memorial service occurs after burial or cremation has already taken place. In other words, the physical body is not present. However, you can still create a personalized final tribute using all of the elements we’ve discussed. Whether the body is present or not, the ultimate goal is to honor your dad’s life and invite his family and friends to pay their respects and say their goodbyes. For more details on creating a personalized memorial service, check out “7 Tips for Planning a Memorial Service.”

Make Decisions on Sympathy Gifts

Sympathy gifts are a way for mourners to express their support and condolences to the family who has lost a loved one. Flowers have historically been a popular sympathy gift. However, in recent years, donations in memoriam to a favorite charity have risen in popularity. Did your dad have a favorite organization or charity that would serve this purpose? If you would like to receive flowers, did your dad have a favorite type?

Decide on a Final Resting Place

Selecting a place of final rest and deciding on a grave marker are important parts of the planning process. Not only do you ensure that your dad’s name is remembered, but you also provide a permanent place where friends and family can go to mourn or to talk when missing your dad hits hardest.

4 Ways Visiting a Loved One’s Grave Can Help You Grieve
5 Reasons to Establish a Permanent Memorial

Explore Burial Benefits for Veterans

If your dad was a veteran of the Armed Forces, he may be eligible for certain burial benefits through the Department of Veterans Affairs. Your funeral director can help you look into these benefits to see if any of them are beneficial to you and your family.

Veterans’ Burial Benefits Checklist
5 Key Veteran Burial Benefits You Should Know

Planning a service for a loved one is hard, but it can also be a meaningful and beautiful experience. As you plan a fitting tribute for your dad, may you find comfort and moments of joy in remembering who he is, what he means to you, and how you can lovingly celebrate his life and lasting legacy.

Jul 10

Love0

Woman in black holding white rose in her hands with memorial table behind her

Planning a Funeral for Mom: A Comprehensive Guide

By christy.kessler Meaningful Funerals, Planning Tools

Moms are special people – irreplaceable and worth remembering. They soothed skinned knees, cooked the best mac and cheese, and made sure you knew you were loved. And now, after her passing, it’s your chance to honor and remember all the wonderful little details that made her “mom” by creating a sweet final tribute for a wonderful woman. This comprehensive guide provides answers to common questions and will help you navigate through the process of planning a personalized and meaningful tribute for your beloved mom.

Please note: If your mom completed funeral prearrangement plans, contact the funeral home she partnered with to review her preferred funeral wishes. With her preferences in hand, you can work closely with the funeral home to ensure that her life is honored in the way she chose.

Choose a Final Disposition

Traditional Burial
Green Burial
Cremation
Natural Organic Reduction

Write a Touching Obituary

Another thing you will do early on in the planning process is write an obituary. You don’t have to be a great writer to beautifully express your love for your mom. Even as you include the expected details, consider how you might add little touches that reflect the individuality of her life.

How to Write a Great Obituary
Writing an Obituary with AI: Dos and Don’ts

Personalize the Funeral Service

No matter what kind of service you put together, the event will be more meaningful if it is personalized. By adding special touches to the service, you can honor your mom’s life uniquely and specifically. You can read “10 Ideas for Making a Funeral More Personal” or “Helping Your Family Personalize a Funeral” for help with brainstorming ideas.

Music

First of all, music sets the mood for a funeral and brings emotions to the forefront. In fact, one of the purposes of a funeral is to allow mourners to grieve together, and in many ways, music says what words cannot. Don’t be afraid to invite people to express grief. Did your mom have some favorite songs, instruments, or musical artists? Consider using any or all of them in the service.

How to Personalize Music at a Funeral
10 Songs to Honor Mom at a Funeral Service

Readings

Second, readings add another facet to a meaningful funeral. They are another way to invite mourners to express their emotions and bring your mom’s unique spirit to the service. Did she have a favorite book? Poem? Was she a person of faith who would want passages read?

How to Personalize Readings at a Funeral
Top 15 Bible Verses for a Celebration of Life Service

Viewing/Visitation

Third, the viewing or visitation is a time for family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors to gather and express support and sympathy. If you include a viewing, family and friends can see your mom one last time and begin to acknowledge the reality of her death. For many, it’s important to physically see the person who has died, and the viewing offers this opportunity.

How to Personalize the Visitation at a Funeral
3 Reasons to Have a Visitation

Eulogy or Remembrance

Fourth, the eulogy may be the single most important aspect of a funeral service. It is the time set aside to acknowledge and affirm the significance of your mom’s life. As you craft a eulogy, you can share treasured memories, quotes, or even her favorite jokes. The eulogy, sometimes called the “remembrance” or the “homily,” can be delivered by a clergy person, a family member, or even by a series of people.

8 Tips for Crafting a Eulogy
How to Personalize the Eulogy at a Funeral

Symbols

Fifth, symbols offer a focus point for mourners as well as a sense of comfort. Common symbols are a cross (or another appropriate religious symbol), flowers, and candles, but they can be almost anything. Did your mom quilt, crochet, paint, or create in any way? You could include her art at the service. If she liked to read, you could display her favorite titles. The possibilities are open. To help you choose symbols that are unique to your mom, consider reading “How to Personalize Symbols at a Funeral.”

Gathering

Sixth, the gathering is an opportunity for friends and family to come together after the funeral service to share stories and support each other. As people gather together, your mom’s life and legacy will be the main topic of conversation. You may even hear stories you’ve never heard before and find comfort in learning something new. To discover more about the gathering and how to personalize it to celebrate your mom’s life, read “How to Personalize the Gathering at a Funeral.”

Actions

And seventh, by including actions at the service, you invite mourners to put their grief into motion. Simply put, mourning is the outward expression of our inward grief. By including actions at the service, you can honor your mom and help others move toward healing. For example, you could provide a book where mourners can write a note to your mom, or you can ask everyone to bring a photo of your mom to place in a photo collage. For more ideas, make sure to read “How to Personalize Healing Actions at a Funeral.”

Opt for a Memorial Service

For some families, a memorial service works better than a traditional service. The main difference is that a memorial service occurs after burial or cremation has already taken place. In other words, the physical body is not present. However, you can still create a personalized final tribute using all of the elements we’ve discussed. Whether the body is present or not, the ultimate goal is to honor your mom’s life and invite her family and friends to pay their respects and say their goodbyes. For more details on creating a personalized memorial service, check out “7 Tips for Planning a Memorial Service.”

Make Decisions on Sympathy Gifts

Sympathy gifts are a way for mourners to express their support and condolences to the family who has lost a loved one. Flowers have historically been a popular sympathy gift. However, in recent years, donations in memoriam to a favorite charity have risen in popularity. Did your mom have a favorite organization or charity that would serve this purpose? If you would like to receive flowers, did your mom have a favorite type?

Decide on a Final Resting Place

Selecting a place of final rest and deciding on a grave marker are important parts of the planning process. Not only do you ensure that your mom’s name is remembered, but you also provide a permanent place where friends and family can go to mourn or to talk when missing your mom hits hardest.

4 Ways Visiting a Loved One’s Grave Can Help You Grieve
5 Reasons to Establish a Permanent Memorial

Explore Burial Benefits for Veterans

If your mom was a veteran of the Armed Forces, she may be eligible for certain burial benefits through the Department of Veterans Affairs. Your funeral director can help you look into these benefits to see if any of them are beneficial to you and your family.

Veterans’ Burial Benefits Checklist
5 Key Veteran Burial Benefits You Should Know

Planning a service for a loved one is hard, but it can also be a meaningful and beautiful experience. As you plan a fitting tribute for your precious mom, may you find comfort and moments of joy in remembering who she is, what she means to you, and how you can lovingly celebrate her life and lasting legacy.

Jun 29

Love0

Heart stone that says "In Loving Memory" surrounded by bright pink flowers

5 Reasons to Establish a Permanent Memorial

By christy.kessler Cemeteries, Explore Options, Memorial, Planning Tools

When you lose someone you love, your feeling of connection to them continues, even though they are no longer with you physically. This connection contributes to your feelings of loss and makes it so difficult to process death and move toward healing and reconciliation. In some ways, you may feel both connected and disconnected to your loved one at the same time. But did you know that a permanent memorial can help?

Heart stone that says "In Loving Memory" surrounded by bright pink flowers

With cremation, it’s especially important to consider a permanent memorial. Some people choose to keep a loved one’s ashes at home, and for a time, that’s perfectly alright. But it’s not a long-term solution.

So, let’s discuss 5 reasons why you should consider establishing a permanent memorial for a loved one and how it can help you on the grief journey.

1. Permanent memorials provide a place for people to mourn.

When you create a permanent memorial, you provide a public place where anyone can go to mourn. If you choose cremation and one person keeps the cremated remains in their home, it may be difficult for other family members to access the ashes when they want to simply say hello or share a piece of news.

With a permanent memorial in place, everyone has access without feeling the need to inconvenience anyone else. You could choose a traditional grave, a cremation niche, placement in a mausoleum, or whatever else makes sense for your family.

Whether you want to visit your loved one on their birthday or every Sunday like clockwork, you can. The permanent memorial is public and available at any time. Because everyone grieves in different ways and at different rates, a specific place is beneficial for individual grief journeys.

2. Permanent memorials give all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects.

Over their lifetime, many people came to know and care about your loved one. Because grief touches more than family members, a permanent memorial also provides an established location for non-family members to mourn.

For example, if your loved one’s best friend wants to connect with them, to talk with them, they may have no place to go where they feel as strong a connection as a permanent memorial would provide. As human beings, we all need time to remember and to honor the life of someone loved. A permanent memorial gives everyone access to say their goodbyes in their own time and in their own way.

3. Permanent memorials create a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.

Cemeteries, mausoleums, and cremation gardens will exist for many years to come. In fact, the oldest maintained cemetery in the United States is in Massachusetts, and it dates back to 1656! Some of its residents were voyagers on the Mayflower.

In recent years, more and more people have shown great interest in their ancestry, and because of this curiosity, cemeteries receive visitors consistently. Even centuries after a person dies, the cemetery provides a permanent place for families to reconnect with their ancestors and find an identity they hadn’t known existed.

4. Permanent memorials are practical for the family.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected author, speaker, and grief expert, tells us that establishing a permanent memorial is a practical choice for the family. “Families can rest easy knowing that the cremated remains [of their loved one] are being taken care of in perpetuity. …Having to pass along urns to the next generation or amassing more and more urns on a shelf…is not a viable long-term solution.”

And unfortunately, there’s evidence that cremated remains are at some risk if they are kept at home permanently. The ashes may be misplaced, accidentally knocked over and spilled, or even found in the trash or unknowingly donated to thrift stores. By opting for a permanent memorial and final resting place, you ensure that your loved one is in a place of honor and respect in perpetuity.

5. Permanent memorials ensure respect for the dead.

Keeping the cremated remains of a loved one at home can be an important part of the healing process. It all depends on what the mourner needs. But, out of respect for the person who has died, to ensure that nothing unfortunate happens to them when you are gone, it’s best to consider how you can permanently memorialize them.

Dr. Wolfelt puts it this way, “It’s about respect for the dying and the dead. Permanent memorialization is one of the most important ways in which we as a culture can ensure that respect [is carried out] ….”

While it’s perfectly fine to wait to set up a permanent memorial, consider the benefits of giving your loved one a place of final rest. It may be three, five, or even ten years down the road. That’s fine! But don’t forget – you won’t always be around, and your loved one’s ashes need to be cared for long after you’re gone. By establishing a permanent memorial, you can honor a loved one’s life, respect their physical remains, and ensure that everyone – family members and friends alike – has the opportunity to grieve and heal.

Additional Resources

Permanent Placement Options for Cremated Remains

Urn Burial: Understanding the Basics

What Should I Know When Considering Cremation?