For a parent, losing a child is devastating. Whether your child is a newborn or a teenager, they play a huge role in your life and are a big part of your identity, and losing them turns your world upside down. It feels unnatural for a child to die before a parent, and you may feel overwhelmed by confusion, anger, guilt, and many other emotions.
When something we can’t make sense of occurs, like the death of a child, our brains search for some reason in the situation. After the loss of your child, you may see a correlation between your actions and the death, and even if that connection wasn’t the cause of your child’s death, guilt can easily follow. Additionally, you may feel guilt because you believe it was your duty to protect the child and that there was something you could have done to prevent their death.
While it’s normal to feel guilt after the loss of a child, these guilty feelings can hinder the grieving process and tear you down. As you grieve the loss of your child, here are a few strategies you can use to cope with any guilt you feel.
Acknowledge what you feel guilty about
When we feel guilty, especially while grieving, our instinct is often to avoid our feelings. But to begin to overcome your feelings of guilt, you need to face them. Why do you feel guilty? It may be painful to face your feelings of guilt, but being honest with yourself can help you confront your fears and understand why you feel guilty.
If you’re not sure how to start, try taking some time to write down your feelings and explore them on paper. Your emotions may feel bigger in your head, and writing yours down may make them feel more manageable. You could also talk to a trusted friend, a family member, or a grief counselor about what you’re feeling who will let you be honest without judging or dismissing what you say.
As you acknowledge your guilt, remember that your guilt may be real or false. You may feel like you’re to blame, but in most cases, that feeling is misplaced. Examine what you feel, and don’t take the truth of your feelings at face value.
Let go of the “should haves”
After losing a child, many parents find themselves thinking of all the things they wish they had done differently. “I shouldn’t have let her go out with those friends.” “We should have talked together and resolved our argument.” “I should have seen the signs that she was sick.”
As painful as it can be to admit, you must accept that what happened was beyond your control. You couldn’t have known what would happen, and thinking about these “should haves” will only hurt you. There are things you can’t control or foresee, and you did your best with what you knew. Dwelling on what you should have or could have done will only lead to more self-blame and hurt.
When you catch yourself thinking of things you could have done differently, pause and take time to redirect your thoughts. If you find your thoughts drifting into self-blame, take a moment to acknowledge that there are things you just can’t prepare for or prevent. If you feel guilty for not spending more time with your child, think about some of your favorite memories with your child and cherish those instead. As hard as it may be, take a second look at your thoughts and be intentional about which thoughts you dwell on and which you reject.
Forgive yourself
Forgiving yourself may sound simple, but anyone who feels guilty knows that’s one of the hardest things you can do. We can easily focus too much on our perceived mistakes, flaws, and negative experiences. Psychologists call the tendency to fixate on negative qualities or experiences “negativity bias.” This bias can make it hard to let go of guilt, whether real or unfounded.
But forgiving yourself for the things you feel guilty about can break the cycle of guilt and self-blame. Forgiveness yourself doesn’t mean forgetting or dismissing your feelings; it’s letting go of your guilt and being gentle and understanding with yourself. This critical step isn’t a one-and-done action. You may need to take time each day to pause, take a breath, forgive yourself, and release your guilt. But over time, forgiving yourself will get a little bit easier.
Be patient with yourself
The loss of your child has likely turned your world upside down. As you grieve their loss and navigate any feelings of guilt, be patient with yourself. You may know that your guilty feelings are unfounded or impractical, but your heart may need time to acknowledge that.
Each day may bring a different struggle, and weeks or even months after the death, you may encounter a new emotion or think of something you hadn’t previously considered. There may be days when you feel like you’re backtracking or losing your progress.
In those moments, remind yourself that you have a right to feel what you feel. Give yourself time and space to grieve, and be kind to yourself. Grief changes shape over time, and it’s perfectly normal for some days to be more challenging than others. Be patient with yourself as you navigate your new normal.
Seek help
As you work through the emotions you feel, remember that you’re not on your own. Seek out trusted friends and family members for help and support. They may be going through similar struggles to you as they grieve the loss of your child, and they can be there to cry with you, support you, and talk through what you’re feeling.
In addition, if you find yourself continuing to struggle with guilt and your grief, seek out a professional grief counselor or a grief support group. That extra support can help you better understand your feelings and provide an outlet to talk about your emotions with people outside of your immediate circle.
As you begin to navigate any feelings of guilt after the loss of your child, take time to cherish the time you had with your child. Remember that your child loved you and wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for their death. While it will take time to heal, be patient with yourself, take care of yourself, and give yourself space to grieve your loss.
