Courtney Cook, Author at Funeral Basics

Sep 25

young boy hugging his grandparents as they smile at him

7 Questions to Ask When Estate Planning with Dependent Children

By Courtney Cook Children, Estate Planning

None of us want to think about a time after we’re gone when our children, grandchildren, or other minor dependents may be on their own. But putting together an estate plan is an important step to ensure that your dependents are protected. Plus, having a plan for your dependents can give you peace of mind, knowing they’ll be cared for and provided for.

As you start estate planning with your dependents in mind, here are a few specific questions to consider:

1. Who would you want to have as your dependent’s guardian?

male guardian in light yellow shirt resting his hand on a teen boy's shoulder

Choosing a guardian is one of the most important steps to take when estate planning for your minor dependent. If something happens to you, someone will need to take care of your dependent. A guardian can be a family member or a friend.

As you decide who to name as a guardian, look for someone you trust who gets along with the child and can provide the level of care the child needs. Talk to the potential guardian and make sure they agree before you decide.

Once you know who your dependent’s guardian will be, you’ll need to officially nominate them as part of your will or a power of attorney. Talk to your estate planning attorney to determine which option is best for you.

2. What information does the guardian need to know?

paper cutout of a family in front of a gavel

Even if your chosen guardian is a close family member, there are many things about your minor that they may not know. And if your dependent is very young, they won’t be able to share important information, like their social security information or medical history, with their guardian.

That’s why keeping all important documents organized and in a safe place is important. You should securely store items like your minor dependent’s birth certificate, social security card, medical and vaccination records, and other important documents. Additionally, you may want to include information about their doctors, school records, and any allergies or other health issues.

You should also consider parts of your digital estate relating to your dependents, like any online school accounts, email addresses, or photo albums. Store passwords and login information for these in a secure location like a specific notebook or an online password manager.

As you gather this important information, consult your estate planning attorney to find out where to include information about the location of these documents in your estate plan.

3. Who should make decisions if you’re incapacitated?

red pen laying on a document that says power of attorney

Minor dependents cannot make legal or financial decisions if you become incapacitated. That’s why you need to plan ahead and make sure someone you trust can make those decisions. By creating a power of attorney, you can nominate a trusted person to make legal, financial, and medical decisions if you become incapacitated and cannot make decisions. If you wish, you can also create separate powers of attorney to nominate different people to make decisions in each area.

4. How should your dependent be provided for?

young woman outside holding a little girl on her back who has her arms outstretched like an airplane

When it comes to providing for your dependents financially, you have plenty of options! You can name your dependents as beneficiaries in your will, create a trust to split funds between dependents, or add your dependent as a secondary beneficiary of your life insurance.

However, remember that minors need a legal adult to serve as trustee over any money they inherit before turning 18. The trustee can be the same person you choose as their legal guardian or someone different, as long as it’s someone you trust to manage the inheritance.

What works for one family may not work for yours, so talk to your estate planning attorney to pick the right option for your family. They can also tell you how to nominate a trustee in your estate plan.

5. Do you have any specific requirements for your dependents or their guardian?

young boy hugging his grandparents as they smile at him

What requirements would you have for your minor dependents if something happened to you? Would you want your children to stay together in the same home? Do you want them to stay in the same area and attend the same school?

Think about the things that are non-negotiable for you and your family. Make sure to communicate with your chosen guardian about your wishes for your dependents. If some requirements are costly (e.g., if the guardian would need to move to a different area), consider setting aside extra funds to help cover that cost.

6. Does your dependent have any special needs?

woman smiling at a boy in a wheelchair on a beach

Children and adults with special needs or health concerns may require extra care. If this is the case for your dependent, make sure to consult with their potential guardian and make sure they’re up to the task – especially if your dependent with special needs will need care for the rest of their life.

Once you have guardianship sorted out, consider the costs of the care your dependent needs. One way to provide for their needs is to set up a special needs trust, which can help preserve your assets and ensure your dependent receives the care they need. Check with your estate planning attorney to learn about the requirements for special needs trusts and determine if this option is right for you.

7. How often should you update your estate plan?

person filling out a form by hand with a pen

As life changes, the needs of your family change, too, which means you’ll need to keep your estate plan up to date. Maybe you have a new significant other and want to nominate them as guardian now. Or maybe your financial situation changed and you want your assets distributed differently. In that case, you’ll need to talk to your attorney about updating your estate plan.

Additionally, life may change for your chosen guardian. They may get married, divorced, or have their own kids. Or, due to other changes, they may no longer feel able to care for your dependent. Every few years, or when a major change happens with your chosen guardian, check in with them and see if they still wish to be named as guardian.

Even if no major changes have happened in your life, you’ll still need to check your estate plan every few years to ensure everything matches your wishes.

As you make decisions about providing for your dependent, talk to your trusted friends, family members, and advisors about your choices. Everything is ultimately your decision, but don’t hesitate to ask for help or advice if needed. While making decisions about the future may seem daunting initially, once it’s done, you can rest easy knowing that a plan is in place to care for your dependents.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary, so only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

More Estate Planning Resources

Sep 05

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Craftsperson using a chisel and mallet to carve a headstone

What Should I Write on a Headstone?

By Courtney Cook Cemeteries, Explore Options, Planning Tools

A headstone or plaque doesn’t just mark someone’s final resting place. They also serve as symbols, reminders of the lost loved one, and ways to honor their memory. That’s why the epitaph, the words inscribed on a headstone, plaque, or memorial marker, is so important.

Epitaphs have a long history, but they have taken many forms over the years. They can be light-hearted and witty or inspirational and profound. All great epitaphs reflect the deceased’s spirit and put a unique, personalized touch on the marker. If you want to memorialize your loved one’s life in an interesting way or plan ahead for your own inscription, consider the following tips for creating a unique epitaph.

Brainstorm ideas

Person writing ideas for an epitaph in a notebook

To start, brainstorm a few ideas. Did your loved one have a signature saying? Was there a movie, book, or song that they loved? How would you describe their character and the life they lived? Write down anything that reminds you of your loved one to get your creativity flowing, even if you’re pretty sure you won’t use what you write.

Put yourself in your loved one’s shoes

Next, consider what your loved one would want on their epitaph. Would they prefer a light-hearted, humorous quote? Or one that moves people deeply and encourages them in daily life? Would they want their epitaph to talk about their personality, interests, hobbies, or role as a father, mother, or child? Look for options that would honor their preferences, priorities, and personality.

Consider your loved one’s principles, beliefs, and values

Plack that says "Known Unto God" surrounded by orange and yellow flowers

Was your loved one a person of faith? You may want to consider using their favorite Bible verse. Or was there a cause they were passionate about and dedicated their time to? Maybe you could mention that. You could also consider using a quote from a poem, song, or literary work. Whatever you choose, make sure it represents the individual’s life and what was most important to them.

Share their legacy

Alternatively, many epitaphs share a snapshot of the person’s legacy. You might see epitaphs like “Beloved wife, mother, and friend” or “He gave his life for his country.” These brief testaments highlight the impact the deceased made and can comfort those who come back year after year to visit the grave.

Keep it short

Craftsperson using a chisel and mallet to carve a headstone

The length of an epitaph will vary, but in most cases, it should be as compact as possible. Consider the amount of space you have available and the kind of material it will be inscribed on. Your funeral director or monument specialist can help answer your questions about your chosen monument or plaque. But in general, it’s best to keep the epitaph short.

Think big picture

The epitaph is an opportunity to communicate a message to people who will visit your loved one for years to come. For this reason, it’s important to decide on an epitaph that will stand the test of time. Consider something with a long-standing appeal and try to avoid fads or a cultural reference that may fade into obscurity as the years go by. The choice is ultimately up to you and your family, though!

Get feedback

Headstone that says "In Loving Memory" on it

After you’ve settled on a few options you like, get feedback from other family members. Your family may have preferences about what goes on your loved one’s marker, so get their input before deciding on the epitaph. For example, if the epitaph is for a parent, ensure all your siblings are on board with the decision. Once everyone agrees, you’re ready to go!

As you consider what to put on your loved one’s grave, don’t be afraid to think outside the box! You could include their signature recipe or use a QR code that links to a memorial website. No matter what you choose, focus on picking something personalized that truly reflects your loved one’s life.

Aug 22

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11 Mistakes to Avoid When Writing a Eulogy

By Courtney Cook Educational, Meaningful Funerals

The eulogy plays an important role in the funeral by highlighting the legacy the deceased left behind. It serves as a time of reflection and helps everyone grieve together. If you’ve been asked to write a eulogy at a funeral or memorial service, you may not know where to start, and that’s okay!

While every eulogy looks different and there isn’t a specific outline you need to follow, there are a few mistakes to avoid when putting together a eulogy.

1. Reading the obituary

The obituary and the eulogy may touch on similar topics, but they play very different roles. Instead of just reading the obituary at the service, use it as a starting point. Include some biographical information in the eulogy, but focus more on telling stories about the deceased and sharing memories.

2. Forgetting to confirm facts

One of the most important steps in writing a eulogy is confirming the facts you plan to share. You don’t want to say that the deceased grew up in New York if they actually grew up in Chicago! Double and triple-check your facts, and get someone else who knows the deceased well to review what you’ve written.

3. Preparing without feedback from others

When writing anything, getting a second (or third or fourth) opinion is always good! Share your eulogy with another person and get their feedback about how it sounds. They can let you know if any information needs to be corrected or if some wording sounds insensitive. Plus, they may be able to give you ideas of other stories you can add to better highlight the deceased’s life.

4. Neglecting to practice

woman rehearsing a eulogy in front of her mirror

Writing the eulogy is only the first step; how you deliver it is just as important as what you say. Before the service, make sure to practice giving your eulogy. You can read it in front of the mirror to practice making eye contact and looking up from your paper. It’s also a good idea to practice giving your speech to others to get their feedback on your delivery.

5. Making it too formal

While writing, remember that you’re working on a speech, not an essay. Eulogies should be casual and personal, not too formal. Read what you’ve written out loud and see how it sounds. Do you sound like you’re talking to your friends and family or giving a formal presentation? Keep your wording informal and avoid complicated or confusing words.

6. Listing facts instead of telling a story

peach and white flowers on a grave with a heart-shaped stone engraved with "In Memory"

Typically, eulogies are under 10 minutes long. That’s not a lot of time to sum up someone’s life! Instead of listing facts about the deceased, choose a few significant stories that show the kind of person they were. If your loved one was patient, do you have a specific memory that showcases their patience? If they went out of their way to make people comfortable, do you have an example you can share? Stories will always be more engaging to the audience than a list of facts.

7. Sharing embarrassing or private details

While stories about you or the deceased embarrassing yourselves may bring you comfort as you cherish your memories with them, a eulogy isn’t the place to share them. You also shouldn’t reveal things that were told to you in confidence or share awkward, personal, or inappropriate information about the deceased.

8. Getting too specific about the death

Man standing by a casket reading aloud from a book

Eulogies are meant to highlight the legacy someone left behind and the life they lived. While it’s okay to mention the deceased’s death, try to avoid going into too many details, as that could be a trigger for the grieving family. It’s especially important not to discuss details of a sudden or traumatic death, like those due to car accidents, suicide, or homicide.

9. Airing grievances

If you’ve been asked to give a eulogy for someone you didn’t get along with or who had a negative impact on your life, keep your grievances out of the eulogy. A funeral isn’t the place to announce that the deceased owes you money! While you don’t want to lie and say someone was a great person if they weren’t, look for positive aspects of the person you can focus on instead. And, if you find yourself unable to create a positive eulogy, consider declining to give the eulogy or ask someone to help you edit yours.

10. Using inappropriate humor

microphone and flowers at a funeral ready for a eulogy

Including jokes in a eulogy is perfectly fine, especially if the deceased had a great sense of humor and the jokes fit their personality. But be respectful and avoid jokes that insult the deceased or make light of the death or the family’s grief. Keep in mind that there may be children at the service, too. If you’re unsure about a joke, run it by a discerning family member first.

11. Taking focus away from the deceased

A great way to highlight a loved one’s legacy in a eulogy is to talk about your memories of the deceased. But while talking about your relationship with them, keep the focus firmly on the person who has died. Don’t make the eulogy all about yourself or drift into unrelated topics, especially controversial topics like politics or social issues.

As you put together the eulogy, don’t stress too much about trying to make it perfect. Get feedback from those around you and share the impact the deceased made on your life and the lives of everyone around them. As long as you are respectful and thoughtful, your friends and family will appreciate your words.

More Resources for Writing a Eulogy

Aug 15

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7 Popular Sympathy Flowers and Their Meanings

By Courtney Cook Helping a Friend in Grief, Meaningful Funerals

When someone you know loses a loved one, how can you support them and share your condolences? Sympathy flowers are a great way to show support to a grieving family. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt tells us, symbols such as flowers convey love and help us express our emotions.

For centuries, people have assigned symbolic meanings to flowers. While the general message of a sympathy flower will be understood in any context, individual types of flowers can communicate slightly different meanings. For this reason, we’ve decided to explore the meanings of seven of the most popular types of funeral flowers.

1. Lilies

group of white lilies

This lovely flower usually blooms in summer and is often interpreted as a symbol of renewal and rebirth. The lily can be a powerful symbol of a loved one’s spirit, offering hope and encouragement to a grieving family.

The idea of rebirth and renewal is particularly applicable for people of faith who believe they’ll someday be reunited with their loved one. The white color of the lily also carries associations with purity and youth, making it a good choice for someone who died at a young age.

2. Roses

large blooming yellow rose next to three yellow buds

This enormously popular flower has very different meanings associated with different colors. Like the lily, white roses represent purity and innocence. Pink and peach roses represent sincerity and gratitude. You could give them to a family whose loved one was a blessing in your life. The yellow rose is a symbol of friendship that expresses your support. All these colors of roses make great sympathy gifts for a grieving family.

3. Carnations

White carnations on a table

The carnation is a symbol of love. Some people believe that the word “carnation” came from “incarnation,” the Latin word that refers to God in the flesh. With this in mind, you can give a carnation as a gift to a family to honor a life that reflected the spirit of Christ.

More generally, carnations can express love for the family or the loved one who has passed. And since the carnation is the traditional flower of Mother’s Day, it can be the perfect choice to honor the life of a person who was a great mother to her children.

4. Hyacinths

field of purple hyacinths

Much like roses, different colors of hyacinths have different meanings, but the purple hyacinth is a popular symbol of sorrow and regret. Sometimes, a simple acknowledgment of the family’s grief is enough. These beautiful flowers let the family know that you are aware of their suffering and that you care. They communicate the pain that you feel upon hearing of their loss, and this simple sentiment is often just what the family needs.

5. Chrysanthemums

Bright pink chrysanthemums

This gorgeous flower has a variety of meanings, but many people use it as an expression of support or encouragement to “get well soon.” In some European countries, the chrysanthemum is placed on graves and viewed as a symbol of death.

Fusing the more positive American associations with the European emphasis on mourning, we find a perfect balance between mourning and hope. A symbol of death but also support, a chrysanthemum can encourage the grieving family during this difficult time.

6. Gladioluses

light orange gladiolus flower

The gladiolus is a beautiful representation of strength and character. By giving a grieving family this flower, you essentially remind them of their loved one’s strength and encourage them to persevere on their grief journey.

As a sympathy gift, the gladiolus does not ignore the pain of loss and communicates your compassion. But it’s also an uplifting reminder of the grieving family’s and their loved one’s strength, which can encourage them as they adjust to their new normal.

7. Forget-Me-Nots

group of light blue forget-me-not flowers

The meaning of these tiny flowers is pretty easy to decipher. An emblem of remembrance, the forget-me-not communicates this simple but essential message to a family: your loved one lives on in our memories.

We tend to shy away from painful emotions, and for this reason, we often avoid the topic of a loved one’s death to spare the family additional discomfort. While this approach is well-intended, it’s often unhelpful. These lovely flowers let the family know you won’t forget their loved one and their impact on your life.

As you look at your options for sympathy flowers, think about ways to personalize your gift. You could opt for the deceased’s favorite flower or choose a classic flower in their favorite color. You can include a sympathy card or condolence letter with your gift. However you choose to share your condolences, let the family know that you’re there to support them while they’re grieving.

Aug 14

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9 Ways Technology Can Help You Grieve

By Courtney Cook Grief/Loss, Technology and Grief

The technological developments of the 21st century have touched every aspect of our lives, including how we deal with loss and grief. The rise of social media, livestreaming, and other new technology has changed how we interact with each other, which has affected the way we navigate our grief journeys.

These advances in technology have the potential to aid us in the grieving process. As you navigate your new normal and work to understand your grief, here are a few ways technology can help.

1. Post Obituaries Online

person holding a smartphone

The days when obituaries were only printed in the newspaper are long gone. Most funeral homes now post obituaries on their websites, which makes it easier for friends and family who aren’t nearby to read the obituary, share condolences in an online guestbook, donate flowers, and more. These online obituaries make it easier to share service information with friends and family and have a place where your loved one’s memory will live on.

2. Announce the Loss

After a loss, it’s important to find a way to communicate the news of the death as efficiently as possible. Of course, those closest to the deceased, like family and close friends, should be told in person, but online obituaries and social media sites allow the information to go out to the deceased’s entire social network of friends. That keeps you from making the painful announcement multiple times to different groups of people. Once you are sure that everyone closest to the deceased has been informed in person or by phone, announce the loss on social media.

3. Receive Social Support

people holding their hands together to create a heart

Social media allows you to receive the support of loved ones both near and far. Friends can share caring words, condolences, and memories on social media. You can turn your loved one’s account into a memorial page, which mourners can return to from time to time to express their feelings and remember the impact your loved one had. This online support network can benefit you as you begin your grief journey.

4. Set Up a Memorial Website

You may wish to do more than a Facebook post to honor a loved one. If so, consider making a memorial webpage. Memorial websites allow you to create an online memorial that friends and family can access for years to come. These sites also enable you to write tributes, add photos, and post videos of remembrance, and they give your family and friends an online space to return to periodically for reflection. Just as we return to the gravestone with flowers in hand to spend a few moments remembering, so can we also return to a memorial page to reflect on the life of a loved one.

5. Watch a Service Online

person on a laptop with a video play button in front of them

While attending a service in person is always best, watching online is a great option for those who can’t leave home or live far away. Many more funeral homes offer livestreaming, and others may record the service so people can watch it later. If your family is interested in a way for friends and family to watch the funeral online, talk to your funeral director and see what options they have for you.

6. Raise Funds for Services

Need help paying for a service? You can use crowdfunding websites to create a campaign and raise money for a funeral. GoFundMe.com is a very popular way to raise funds for a service, or there are other websites, such as Funeral Fund, that are specifically tailored to funeral fundraising. These sites provide efficient ways to receive the financial support you or a loved one needs to craft a meaningful ceremony.

7. Create a Memorial Video

person typing on a laptop

Memorial videos are a great way to honor the life of a loved one and highlight their unique personality and legacy. You can create a video with photos of your loved one to use in a service or to include on a memorial webpage. Additionally, some funeral homes can make a video for you with images you provide, so check with your local funeral home to see if that’s a service they offer.

8. Add a QR Code to a Headstone

One new option for customizing a headstone is adding a QR code. If you have more you want to add to a headstone but don’t have the room, you can use a QR code to link to an online memorial or obituary. Friends and family members who visit the grave can scan the QR code and see photos, videos, and stories of their loved one. While this option does require you to create a code and a page for it to link to, it can be a great way to make a highly personalized marker to honor your loved one.

9. Use Digital Grief Resources

man attending online therapy on his laptop

In our digital age, receiving grief support is easier than ever! Many funeral homes offer digital aftercare services, which provide families with emails or texts to support them on their grief journeys. In addition, online grief therapy options provide a way for the grieving to receive ongoing support from the comfort of their own home. Check with your funeral director to learn more about the options available to you!

As technology continues to change, new resources become available to help people better understand their grief. While in-person contact will always be essential, technology can provide additional support, especially for those who are more isolated. As you begin your grief journey, consider how technology may benefit you and your family. Don’t be afraid to try something new!

Aug 12

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Door in an old, vine-covered wall opening into a beautiful garden

Top 10 Poems for a Funeral Ceremony

By Courtney Cook Funeral Poems, Grief/Loss, Meaningful Funerals

Readings are a great way to enrich and personalize a funeral ceremony. As Dr. Wolfelt tells us, readings play an essential role in the service because they help us search for meaning in the loss, bring mourners together, and speak to “word people.”

Poems, in particular, can have a powerful impact at a funeral. Because poets put so much thought into a poem’s word choice, arrangement, and flow, they can address relatable themes in a compelling way. For this reason, we’ve compiled a list of ten great poems that can enhance a funeral ceremony. If you are thinking of including a poetry reading in memory of a loved one, consider using one of these profound poems at the funeral.

1. “Dear Lovely Death” by Langston Hughes

person placing their hand on a coffin with a bouquet of white flowers on top after reading a poem at the funeral

Famed Harlem Renaissance poet Langston Hughes was a master of economy, and “Dear Lovely Death” beautifully showcases his “less is more” approach. Hughes suggests that death does not destroy or eradicate but merely changes the nature of those it touches. When a loved one dies, our relationship with them changes from a physical relationship to one of memory. Hopeful but not naïve, this poem allows us to see the situation in a more comforting light without denying the reality of death.

2. “A Clear Midnight” by Walt Whitman

This short piece by Whitman turns conventional poetic imagery on its head. While many poems use midnight to evoke negative, frightening emotions, Whitman sees the night as a time of calm and peace. When applied to a funeral setting, the flight of the soul “into the wordless” can be viewed as a metaphor for death, providing comfort to mourners by depicting death as a place of peace and rest.

3. “Death is a Door” by Nancy Byrd Turner

Door in an old, vine-covered wall opening into a beautiful garden

Nancy Byrd Turner uses the metaphor of a door to portray death as a time of transition and change. She uses nature imagery to evoke a sense of peace and rest and implies that death gives birth to new life, though we can’t yet see what this new life looks like. Turner’s assertion that the “willing and weary feet” eagerly cross the threshold of death implies that whatever lies on the other side of the doorway of death is more encouraging than frightening.

4. “Requiem” by Robert Louis Stevenson

Robert Louis Stevenson, author of the famous novels Treasure Island and The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, also penned many poems. The short and simple “Requiem” is written from the perspective of the deceased, who is satisfied with the life that he lived. His contentment regarding the journey from life to death is comforting and encouraging. Families who feel that their loved one lived a full and wonderful life may consider using this poem at the funeral to remind themselves that their loved one is at peace.

5. “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost

Two paths in a field splitting in different directions with pine trees and mountains in the background

One of the most famous poems of all time, Robert Frost’s masterpiece is not strictly a “funeral poem.” While it isn’t specifically about death, it’s a beautiful tribute to a well-lived life. The closing lines, “I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference,” describe a person who broke the mold and embraced life to the fullest. If you are looking for a piece that celebrates the unique life of your loved one, consider reading this ode to the different paths we travel in life.

6. “Success” by Bessie Anderson Stanley*

Another poem that deals less with death and more than with celebrating life, this famous essay-turned-poem by Bessie Anderson Stanley analyzes the true meaning of success. True success isn’t found in shallow achievements like popularity or material wealth but in deep relationships with others and in leaving a positive impact on the world. A fitting tribute to the life of a loved one who understood the true value of life, this classic poem will encourage those at the funeral to reflect on the meaningful life of the deceased.

7. “When Great Trees Fall” by Maya Angelou

Close up of a tall tree trunk with branches and green leaves spreading overhead

This extraordinary work by the late Maya Angelou emphasizes the ripple effect created by a great person’s death. Angelou suggests that the deep hurt that we feel when losing a loved one is a testament to the brilliance of that individual’s life. While grief may hurt, we can find comfort by remembering that our loved one made a difference and positively impacted the lives of others. And eventually, we can find hope and peace as we let our memories of the deceased motivate and change us.

8. “Death, Be Not Proud” by John Donne

Perhaps the most famous poem to address mortality, John Donne’s 17th-century classic refutes the permanence of death. Donne challenges death by comparing it to rest and sleep, arguing that both states are temporary. The poem’s ending suggests that hope can be found in life after death, making it a great choice for religious ceremonies. While we must acknowledge that death is real and it’s okay to grieve, those who are religious can find comfort in remembering that death is not the end of the story.

9. “If I Can Stop One Heart from Breaking” by Emily Dickinson

Person holding a small heart in their hands

What makes a life truly meaningful? This short Emily Dickinson poem shows how caring for others and sharing small acts of kindness are enough to leave a beautiful legacy. A person need not have his or her good deeds recognized as grand accomplishments to live a great life. Instead, we can create a full and meaningful life by spreading love however we can. Dickinson’s heartfelt poem is an excellent choice for the funeral of a loved one who dedicated their life to helping others.

10. Psalm 23, a Psalm of David, The Book of Psalms (KJV)

The most famous of all the psalms speaks directly to our desire for peace for ourselves and our loved ones. Psalm 23 is perfect for a funeral ceremony because it applies to both the mourners and the deceased. The “valley of the shadow of death” can refer to those who are making the transition from life to death and to those who are trying to face life after losing a loved one. For religious ceremonies, Psalm 23 can serve as a beautiful testament to God’s ability to bring comfort and peace to his children in dark times.

As you look for possible poems to read at your loved one’s funeral, you can also consider writing one yourself! Whether you read your own poem, choose one from this list, or use a different one, we hope you find the perfect poem to reflect your loved one’s life.

*”Success” is often incorrectly attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, usually with the inclusion of the famous line: “To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

Jul 30

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What is the Purpose of a Gathering?

By Courtney Cook Meaningful Funerals

After losing a loved one, finding support from your friends and family is important. Also known as a reception, a gathering takes place after a funeral and provides a final opportunity to experience community with others and to offer support before returning home. The gathering allows friends to strengthen their relationships in a casual setting, share memories of the deceased, and remind each other that they are not alone as they continue their grief journey.

A gathering can be personalized in many ways to suit the grieving family’s needs and reflect the deceased’s personality. As you begin planning a gathering, here are a few things to remember.

Decide on a Location and Food

group of people getting food at a gathering

Even though the gathering is typically more casual than a funeral, you’ll still need to make a plan. Where will you host the gathering? Some funeral homes have spaces with tables where you can host a gathering, or you can host it at your home, a restaurant, a church, or an event center. You could even choose a location that was meaningful to your loved one.

Most gatherings also involve food and drink. This could be light refreshments or a full meal, depending on the family’s preference. Often, the family will prepare food or snacks for guests, or you can plan a potluck and encourage guests to bring their own dishes. You could also opt for catering, maybe from your loved one’s favorite restaurant. Remember that the day of the funeral will be busy, and you may be stressed, tired, and emotional. It’s okay to go with an option that requires less effort from you!

Allow Time for Transition and Reflection

Family at a gathering

In some ways, the gathering is similar to the visitation, a time to reflect and pay respects before the funeral ceremony, although the gathering is usually more casual. These two events surround a funeral ceremony: a visitation that functions as a transition from the frantic pace of daily life to the contemplative mood of the ceremony and a gathering to help people slowly transition back from ceremony to daily life.

At the gathering, friends and family members often share stories about the loved one. These stories may be inspiring and moving, or they might be light and amusing. You may hear stories you hadn’t heard before and learn new things about your loved one. Tears and laughter both have a place at the event as you spend time with others who love and care about your lost loved one.

Find Support

Two people clasping hands and supporting each other while grieving

Above all, the gathering is about support. It’s a time of fellowship that encourages and comforts the bereaved. To the family of the deceased, it’s a reminder that the loved one touched the lives of others and that everyone is working together to help them get through the difficult time.

It can be challenging for those who have lost a loved one to accept help from others, but the gathering allows friends and family to provide support to the grieving family. A gathering opens the door for the family to ask for help and friends to offer it.

The gathering is an essential element of a meaningful funeral that strengthens the bonds between mourners. You aren’t meant to face your grief journey alone, and neither are your friends and family members. By having a gathering, you can care for each other and activate your community of support.

Jul 29

Love0

The Role of Art Therapy in Hospice Care

By Courtney Cook Hospice

For those in hospice care, improving quality of life is an important goal. Much like music therapy, art therapy can bring joy to hospice patients and improve their mental and physical health.

While art has been used as a form of therapy and grief care in cultures around the world for hundreds of years, the term “art therapy” wasn’t used until the 1940s. In the decades since, art therapy has taken on new forms and been used in new ways, with formal training and licensing regulations now in place.

When used for those in hospice, art therapy can provide substantial benefits for patients and caregivers. Let’s take a closer look at art therapy in hospice care!

What is Art Therapy?

group of people in hospice painting

Art therapy uses the creative process to help alleviate pain and improve patients’ mental health. For those in hospice, it can improve quality of life, reduce some symptoms, and provide a way for patients to express their emotions.

Art therapy programs come in many different forms and can be tailored to a patient’s specific needs. Typically, art therapy involves drawing, painting, creating collages, or another artistic endeavor. An art therapist will often offer group or one-on-one sessions.

Benefits for Patients

The benefits of art therapy have been observed in many different studies, and researchers have seen physical, mental, and emotional benefits for patients. From reducing patient pain to helping patients come to terms with their diagnoses, here are a few of the main benefits:

1. Reduce Pain

Older woman in hospice coloring

Many patients who have participated in art therapy have reported decreased pain. This can be because art provides a distraction from the pain a patient feels. Creating art also releases endorphins, which can help block pain. Plus, the creation process involves movement, which encourages patients to actively engage with their art and the environment.

2. Increase Quality of Life

One of hospice care’s main goals is improving a patient’s quality of life, and art therapy does just that! Patients who participate in art therapy have said that they feel calm, entertained, and motivated throughout the process. Art therapy can also give patients a sense of empowerment and increase their self-worth, which improves their quality of life.

3. Express Emotions

When coming to terms with a terminal diagnosis, hospice patients may struggle to put their emotions into words. Art provides a creative outlet for patients to express their pain, confusion, and inner conflict, allowing them to communicate without words. This act of self-expression, especially with the guidance of a licensed art therapist, can help patients better understand the emotions they’re trying to process.

4. Improve Mental Health

Many patients in hospice struggle with mental health issues like anxiety and depression. Because art therapy causes endorphins to be released and encourages self-expression, it can also improve patients’ mental health. By strengthening positive feelings, alleviating distress, and helping patients relax, it can even help reduce anxiety and depression.

5. Process Questions About Life

man coloring a coloring page with black cracks drawn on it

One of the hardest parts of receiving a terminal diagnosis is processing and accepting it. Many patients find themselves reviewing their lives, wondering if they left behind a meaningful legacy, or facing their fear of death. Art therapy can help patients face their questions about life and examine their feelings about life and death. Plus, the creative process gives the patient a piece of art that helps them leave a legacy for their loved ones.

6. Find Support

Many hospice patients struggle with loneliness and isolation. Receiving a terminal diagnosis can shift relationships and leave a patient feeling alone. Art therapy provides patients with the support of a licensed art therapist, who can help them process what they’re going through. Plus, group sessions can help a patient build community and receive support from others in similar situations.

Benefits For Caregivers

group of people in hospice doing art therapy

While most hospice art therapy programs are mainly for hospice patients, families and caregivers have also seen benefits. Seeing their loved one involved in art therapy can give them good memories of their loved one to hold onto.

If a caregiver can participate, art therapy can be a great source of self-care, helping them cope with their own feelings of grief. Plus, if caregivers participate alongside their loved ones in hospice, they may be able to process any conflicts and open up about their emotions together.

In addition, caregivers can receive social support from the art therapist and other caregivers involved in the art therapy process. They can ask questions about their complicated emotions and find community with others in similar situations.

Processing a terminal diagnosis and entering hospice care can be difficult for both patients and caregivers. However, art therapy can improve quality of life and allow patients and caregivers to receive the support they need. Plus, it can help participants express their emotions and wrestle with the deep questions they face. Whether in a group setting or one-on-one with a licensed therapist, art therapy can be an excellent option for those in hospice to explore

Jul 25

Love0

two people hugging, one holding small baby shoes

Dealing with Guilt After Child Loss

By Courtney Cook Children, Grief/Loss

For a parent, losing a child is devastating. Whether your child is a newborn or a teenager, they play a huge role in your life and are a big part of your identity, and losing them turns your world upside down. It feels unnatural for a child to die before a parent, and you may feel overwhelmed by confusion, anger, guilt, and many other emotions.

two people hugging, one holding small baby shoes

When something we can’t make sense of occurs, like the death of a child, our brains search for some reason in the situation. After the loss of your child, you may see a correlation between your actions and the death, and even if that connection wasn’t the cause of your child’s death, guilt can easily follow. Additionally, you may feel guilt because you believe it was your duty to protect the child and that there was something you could have done to prevent their death.

While it’s normal to feel guilt after the loss of a child, these guilty feelings can hinder the grieving process and tear you down. As you grieve the loss of your child, here are a few strategies you can use to cope with any guilt you feel.

Acknowledge what you feel guilty about

woman writing in a notebook

When we feel guilty, especially while grieving, our instinct is often to avoid our feelings. But to begin to overcome your feelings of guilt, you need to face them. Why do you feel guilty? It may be painful to face your feelings of guilt, but being honest with yourself can help you confront your fears and understand why you feel guilty.

If you’re not sure how to start, try taking some time to write down your feelings and explore them on paper. Your emotions may feel bigger in your head, and writing yours down may make them feel more manageable. You could also talk to a trusted friend, a family member, or a grief counselor about what you’re feeling who will let you be honest without judging or dismissing what you say.

As you acknowledge your guilt, remember that your guilt may be real or false. You may feel like you’re to blame, but in most cases, that feeling is misplaced. Examine what you feel, and don’t take the truth of your feelings at face value.

Let go of the “should haves”

mother comforting her adult daughter

After losing a child, many parents find themselves thinking of all the things they wish they had done differently. “I shouldn’t have let her go out with those friends.” “We should have talked together and resolved our argument.” “I should have seen the signs that she was sick.”

As painful as it can be to admit, you must accept that what happened was beyond your control. You couldn’t have known what would happen, and thinking about these “should haves” will only hurt you. There are things you can’t control or foresee, and you did your best with what you knew. Dwelling on what you should have or could have done will only lead to more self-blame and hurt.

When you catch yourself thinking of things you could have done differently, pause and take time to redirect your thoughts. If you find your thoughts drifting into self-blame, take a moment to acknowledge that there are things you just can’t prepare for or prevent. If you feel guilty for not spending more time with your child, think about some of your favorite memories with your child and cherish those instead. As hard as it may be, take a second look at your thoughts and be intentional about which thoughts you dwell on and which you reject.

Forgive yourself

person sitting outside on the grass watching a sunset

Forgiving yourself may sound simple, but anyone who feels guilty knows that’s one of the hardest things you can do. We can easily focus too much on our perceived mistakes, flaws, and negative experiences. Psychologists call the tendency to fixate on negative qualities or experiences “negativity bias.” This bias can make it hard to let go of guilt, whether real or unfounded.

But forgiving yourself for the things you feel guilty about can break the cycle of guilt and self-blame. Forgiveness yourself doesn’t mean forgetting or dismissing your feelings; it’s letting go of your guilt and being gentle and understanding with yourself. This critical step isn’t a one-and-done action. You may need to take time each day to pause, take a breath, forgive yourself, and release your guilt. But over time, forgiving yourself will get a little bit easier.

Be patient with yourself

two people holding hands and comforting each other

The loss of your child has likely turned your world upside down. As you grieve their loss and navigate any feelings of guilt, be patient with yourself. You may know that your guilty feelings are unfounded or impractical, but your heart may need time to acknowledge that.

Each day may bring a different struggle, and weeks or even months after the death, you may encounter a new emotion or think of something you hadn’t previously considered. There may be days when you feel like you’re backtracking or losing your progress.

In those moments, remind yourself that you have a right to feel what you feel. Give yourself time and space to grieve, and be kind to yourself. Grief changes shape over time, and it’s perfectly normal for some days to be more challenging than others. Be patient with yourself as you navigate your new normal.

Seek help

man hugging and comforting a woman crying

As you work through the emotions you feel, remember that you’re not on your own. Seek out trusted friends and family members for help and support. They may be going through similar struggles to you as they grieve the loss of your child, and they can be there to cry with you, support you, and talk through what you’re feeling.

In addition, if you find yourself continuing to struggle with guilt and your grief, seek out a professional grief counselor or a grief support group. That extra support can help you better understand your feelings and provide an outlet to talk about your emotions with people outside of your immediate circle.

As you begin to navigate any feelings of guilt after the loss of your child, take time to cherish the time you had with your child. Remember that your child loved you and wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for their death. While it will take time to heal, be patient with yourself, take care of yourself, and give yourself space to grieve your loss.

Jul 24

Love0

Casket with flowers on top next to rows of candles

5 Questions to Ask When Selecting a Casket

By Courtney Cook Cemeteries, Explore Options, Planning Tools

As you plan a funeral for a loved one or preplan for yourself, there are a lot of decisions you’ll need to make. If you choose burial, one question you’ll need to ask is what type of casket you should pick.

Caskets are one of the more expensive elements of the funeral and burial process, so it’s important to know what you want. Before purchasing, research various types of caskets and their associated costs.

To get you started, here are five questions to help you decide what you’re looking for in a casket.

1. Do You Want a Casket or a Coffin?

coffins and caskets sitting side by side

Before examining the different caskets available, we need to make sure that we know exactly what we are referring to when we use the term. While the word casket is often used interchangeably with coffin, there is an important difference between the two: a coffin is hexagonal or octagonal, while the casket is rectangular. Also, a casket often contains a split lid to view the body, while a coffin does not.

In the photo above, the two containers on the ends are coffins, while the one in the middle is a casket. Caskets are more prevalent in the U.S., while coffins have a long tradition of popularity in the U.K.

2. What Material Do You Want?

Casket with flowers on top next to rows of candles

Most caskets are made of wood or metal, but there are many other options, too! Here are a few of the most common materials for caskets:

Wood

High-cost materials: Mahogany, Walnut, and Cherry
Medium-cost materials: Oak, Birch, and Maple
Low-cost materials: Pine, Poplar, and Willow

Metal

Standard Steel: The least expensive type of metal casket available. Available in 20-gauge, 18-gauge, and 16-gauge. The term “gauge” refers to the thickness of the metal. The lower the gauge, the thicker the material.
Stainless Steel: More durable than standard steel and a little more expensive. Available in the same gauges as standard steel.
Copper and Bronze: Durable, high-quality metals, but far more expensive than steel. These metals have rust-resistant properties that steel lacks, but they will eventually oxidize and break down in a manner similar to rusting. Unlike steel caskets, they are measured by weight instead of gauge.

Eco-Friendly

light tan wicker pattern

Want to go green? You also have environmentally friendly options! Wicker caskets made from bamboo, willow, or seagrass are popular choices. Cardboard caskets are another option, and some can be decorated with a digitally printed design. You can also look into burial shrouds made of wool, cotton, linen, and silk. If you want to be environmentally conscious but desire a traditional wooden coffin, consider a coffin made from sustainably sourced wood.

However, if you want the burial to take place in a natural or green cemetery, ask them about their guidelines for green burial first. Some cemeteries have regulations about what burial containers are allowed.

Alternative Containers, Cremation Caskets, and Rental Caskets

If you opt for cremation, you may still want to decide on a casket or container to use. A cremation casket is a wooden casket that can be cremated with the body after the service. An alternative container, generally made of wood, cardboard, or fiberboard, is a cheaper option. If you want a ceremonial casket at the funeral, most funeral homes offer a rental casket for the service, which isn’t as weird as it sounds. Rental caskets include a place to insert the cremation container to be placed inside for the service. After the service, the cremation container is removed for cremation, offering the best of both worlds.

3. Should Your Casket Be Gasketed or Non-Gasketed?

light brown casket with flowers all over it

You may have heard people refer to certain metal caskets as “gasketed.” A gasketed casket, also known as a protective or sealer casket, is sealed with a rubber gasket to keep the elements from entering the casket. A non-gasketed or non-sealer casket doesn’t have a sealing system, but it still closes securely.

While a seal will protect the casket for a long time, it will not preserve it indefinitely. It simply keeps outside elements from entering the casket. Sometimes, a gasketed casket may be required, but talk to your funeral director or cemetery to learn about their guidelines.

4. Who Should You Talk to About Purchasing a Casket?

light tan half couch casket with one lid open

Visiting your local funeral home to browse their casket selection in person is a good idea. If you do, ask your funeral director to show you a list of available caskets before showing you the caskets they have in their showroom, so you can get a better idea of what options they have.

Make sure to ask to see a variety of caskets in different price ranges. Some customers buy the first casket they see and don’t review all the options. Don’t rush through the process of purchasing the casket. Get the full picture, explore all available options, and talk to your funeral director if you have any questions. Remember that the funeral director is there to help, and their experience can be beneficial.

5. Do You Need a Burial Vault or Grave Liner?

white metal casket sitting outside

Grave liners and burial vaults are outer burial containers that play an important structural role in maintaining level ground in a cemetery. Over time, caskets deteriorate, weighed down by six feet of earth and the heavy machinery used to maintain the cemetery grounds. When this happens, the ground sinks, leaving an uneven landscape in the cemetery.

To avoid this, caskets are usually placed in solid structures that can bear the weight of the earth, helping to maintain the integrity of the cemetery grounds. The grave liner or burial vault holds the casket solely for this purpose.

Though not required by law, most cemeteries require a burial vault or grave liner. However, green cemeteries and nature preserves generally do not. Talk to the cemetery you are considering to find out if you need an outer burial container.

As you select a casket, take time to learn about all the different options. Your funeral director can help you understand what choices are available to you. No matter what you choose, remember that there are plenty of ways to personalize the casket of your choice and make it unique to you or your loved one.