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Courtney Cook

Jan 20
Love0
bouquet of valentine's day flowers

How to Cope with Grief on Valentine’s Day

By Exclude from Top Posts, Seasonal

Valentine’s Day can be a challenging time for those who are grieving, especially those who have lost a spouse or significant other. You may find that Valentine’s Day triggers your grief or reminds you more strongly of your loss.

But Valentine’s Day can also be a special time of remembrance, an opportunity to reflect on the love you shared and to find comfort in memories. With a little planning, you can find avenues for healing during this time.  Here are a few ideas to help you cope with your loss on Valentine’s Day:

Take Time to Honor and Remember the Person You Love

older person looking at black and white photos

While you may be tempted to block out your memories and ignore your grief, taking time to think about your loved one can be a great way to honor their memory this Valentine’s Day. Reflecting on the past can be a healthy way to cope with the holiday.

Do something special in memory of your loved one and celebrate their life and the time you had together. You may want to look through photographs, listen to their favorite song, or watch their favorite movie. This would also be a good opportunity to visit the graveside and bring a fresh bouquet of flowers. No matter what you choose to do, find what you feel comfortable with and embrace your loved one’s memory.

Have Some Quiet Time

woman enjoying time by herself outside

The hustle and bustle of Valentine’s Day can be emotionally draining when you’re grieving, so don’t be afraid to take some time away by yourself! Breathe deeply and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel.

You can also look for healthy ways to express your emotions. Allow yourself to cry, write in a grief journal, or do something creative, like painting or drawing. Maybe you could try coloring or spend some time in meditation. You could even list everything you are grateful for experiencing with your loved one or record yourself talking about your favorite memories.

No matter what you do, allow yourself to take time away from everything if you need it and let yourself grieve in a way that works for you. Find ways to reinvent the holiday to help it fit your needs as you grieve.

Spend Time with Loved Ones

multigenerational family playing soccer together

While it’s good to spend some time in solitude and reflection, it is also important to find a healthy balance. Many people who are grieving, especially those who have lost a spouse, can feel lonely on Valentine’s Day. Look for opportunities to socialize with people who support and care about you. Go out to dinner or prepare a meal together. Meals are communal experiences, opportunities to show love and support. You might even enjoy a favorite comedic film or television show together.

Numerous studies have shown that laughter plays an important role in lowering stress, improving mood, strengthening relationships, and contributing to overall health. By taking time to laugh with people you love, you take a healing step, and the stress of the holiday becomes a little easier to handle. Remember that couples aren’t the only people who can celebrate and have fun on Valentine’s Day.

Talk About How You’re Feeling

young woman comforting a young man

Your friends and family care. Don’t be afraid that you’ll “bring them down” if you talk honestly about the sadness you’re experiencing during a typically “happy” time of year. If you need time to get something off your chest, this is perfectly acceptable. You shouldn’t feel guilty for taking time to express your grief around others.

Too often, our culture encourages us to stifle sad emotions and to put on a happy face. This can make those who grieve feel guilty or ashamed for not being able to pretend to be happy all the time. Reject this irrational guilt, stay in the presence of people who care about you, and confide in them. Let them support you. If your friends and family are unable to support you at this time, join a support group or find a counselor to talk to.

Treat Yourself

bouquet of valentine's day flowers

If you don’t have someone to bring you flowers and candy on Valentine’s Day, why not treat yourself to something special? Get a massage, choose a beautiful bouquet to brighten your home, or pick out your favorite chocolates or dessert. Valentine’s Day is a day to spoil yourself and enjoy a little self-care, especially if you are missing someone special.

Valentine’s Day will never be the same without your loved one, and it’s okay, even healthy, to experience sadness at this thought. But by planning ahead in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, you can prepare yourself for the holiday and find peace of mind amid a dizzying array of hearts, cards, and candy.

Nov 20
Love0
hands typing on a silver laptop with black keys

5 Steps for Writing a Personalized Eulogy with AI

By Meaningful Funerals, Planning Tools

Writing a eulogy for a loved one can be a daunting task. Eulogies typically last for less than ten minutes, which feels like too short of a time to properly share the legacy of your loved one. Plus, you’re likely working through your own feelings of grief and coming to terms with the loss, which can make it hard to write, especially if you have no idea where to start.

To overcome the writer’s block that comes from staring at a blank page, you can use an AI writing tool. AI has taken the world by storm, and while it’s best not to run with whatever AI generates as-is, it can give you a great framework and a solid starting point for your eulogy. Here are five important steps to follow to help you develop a personalized, touching eulogy with the help of AI.

1. Provide a specific, detailed prompt

The more details your prompt has, the better your results from the AI generator will be! Include details about what was most important to your loved one: their family, their job, their hobbies, their pets. Also, add information about their personality, significant memories you shared with them, and their passions. If you’re not sure what to include, try asking your AI generator for a list of questions to help you brainstorm for a eulogy. When you put together your prompt, start it with “Write a eulogy about…” so the generator will know what tone to use and how to structure what it writes.

2. Ask the generator to refine the eulogy

Once AI creates something for you, it can also help edit and refine what it’s given you. If the eulogy is too serious or lighthearted, ask the AI generator to change the tone. You could ask AI to focus more on a specific part of the eulogy, like family life or personality. You can also ask the generator to shorten or lengthen the eulogy. Or if you don’t like the option provided, you can ask AI to try again, although you may need to adjust your prompt to get a better result. You can play around with different versions of the eulogy until you find one you like.

3. Double-check the facts

Often, AI generators will exaggerate facts or add incorrect information. This phenomenon is called AI hallucination, and it’s important to watch for it when working with an AI generator. You might mention in your prompt that your dad loved to play golf, but the AI generator may say that your dad won many golf tournaments when he only played casually. Or you might say that your aunt was great in the kitchen, and the AI generator may talk about her world-famous pot pie recipe (that doesn’t exist). Make sure to read through the eulogy and double-check all the details, including names and dates, to ensure that everything is accurate.

4. Make the eulogy more personal

While AI can create a great eulogy, it can’t make it sound like you. After fact-checking the information, sit down with the eulogy and rewrite it in your own words. Did AI use words you wouldn’t typically use? Does the tone match what you want to portray, whether sadness, peace, humor, or anything in between? Could you add any stories of your loved one to help illustrate their character? AI can state the facts and even use empathy, but it’s up to you to make the eulogy truly personal.

5. Read the eulogy aloud

Young man in a plaid shirt practicing a eulogy by reading it aloud from a paper

Once you’ve finished personalizing the eulogy, practice reading it out loud. This can help you get a better feel for the flow of the eulogy and give you a chance to practice before delivering the eulogy. Watch out for words or phrases you trip over or long sentences that don’t give you an opportunity to take a breath. You could also time yourself while reading the eulogy to get an idea of whether you need to shorten or lengthen it.

As you work on writing the eulogy, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable! While AI is a useful tool that can help you organize and create a eulogy, it doesn’t have your unique perspective and relationship with your loved one to draw from. By adding your own personal touch to the eulogy, you can create something that truly honors your loved one’s life.

More resources about eulogies:

Nov 18
Love0
female friend holding another woman's hand as they talk through their grief

6 Things You Should Never Say to a Grieving Person

By Grief/Loss, Helping a Friend in Grief

Words are powerful. They can hurt or heal, comfort or discourage, build up or tear down. When someone we know is grieving, we want to support them and find words to comfort them. But sometimes, we say well-meaning things that hurt more than they help.

We have a responsibility to guard our words, especially when someone is emotionally vulnerable, like after the death of a loved one. While there are plenty of things you can say that do offer comfort, try to avoid these six phrases when speaking to a friend or loved one who has lost someone close to them (regardless of whether the loss was recent or further in the past).

“I know how you feel.”

woman resting her hands on a man's clasped hands, comforting him

While you may have experienced grief before or even a similar loss, everyone’s grief experience is different. The temptation here is to engage in “troubles talk” to find common ground with the person and, in a way, share the burden of the loss and help them feel less alone. But this comment assumes that you know the complex emotions of the bereaved and that you have felt each one exactly as they do, which can’t be true.

Rather than hearing your desire to show how much you understand, the bereaved person hears: “I don’t want to understand your specific situation” or “I want to talk about myself.” Every person feels, processes, and heals differently, and it would be folly to assume you know how someone is feeling.

Instead, create space for your friend to share what they feel. Simply and sincerely ask, “How are you doing?” If you have experienced a similar loss, you might say, “I know every loss is different in its own way, but something that helped me when I lost my mom was (insert helpful suggestion here).”

“You’re so strong.”

older woman staring thoughtfully while clasping her hands by her face.

After losing a loved one, many people who are grieving feel pressured to appear like they’re doing okay. Life goes on, even after losing a loved one, and those who are grieving feel the need to put on a brave face. While you may intend “You’re so strong” as a compliment, you may contribute to this pressure. You might make the grieving person feel like they can’t be vulnerable because you expect them to keep being strong. They may interpret your statement as a prohibition on showing emotion – or as judgment for not showing emotion.

No matter how “put together” a person looks on the outside, on the inside, they may be experiencing incredible pain. A comment about their strength can take away their option to express any genuine emotions to you or make them feel guilty for not showing emotions.

Instead, consider asking how they’re honestly doing or saying, “It’s okay to cry.” While it may invite a more honest response, and you should be ready with your emotional support, you can be someone they feel safe letting down their guard with.

“Sometimes we just don’t understand the will of God,” or “God must have needed another angel in heaven.”

woman comforting her husband while he rests his face on his hands

These phrases and many similar ones are often used in Christian religious circles with the intent to reassure someone that death isn’t meaningless. But whether by intention or not, these words essentially blame God for the death of a loved one.

While it is true that we may not fully understand the will of God, these platitudes are not helpful because they contradict the Christian belief in a loving God whose original creation did not include death. In the story of Adam and Eve, death only entered the world after the fall of man and was not in God’s original design.

Instead of using these phrases, you can offer to pray with the grieving person. Or consider sharing your sympathies by saying, “I’ve been thinking about you so much,” or “You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers.”

“She’s/he’s in a better place.”

man staring out a window streaked with rain

When someone is grieving the loss of a loved one, they don’t always want them to be in a “better place.” They want them to be here, now, with them. In time, it may be a comfort to think of a loved one in heaven. Or if a loved one was sick for a long time, this phrase could be comforting, a reminder that the person is no longer in pain.

But amid deep sorrow or after an unexpected death, it’s difficult to find comfort or healing in this phrase. These words could come across as dismissive of someone’s grief or make them feel guilty for wishing their loved one was still with them. Instead, simply be there for your grieving friend, and consider asking them questions about the loved one they’ve lost so they can hold their cherished memories close.

“If there’s anything I can do for you, just call me.”

female friend holding another woman's hand as they talk through their grief

While your offer to help may be entirely sincere, note that the grieving person will likely not call you. Asking for help can be difficult for anyone, and it’s even more challenging for those who are grieving. They may not want to be an inconvenience, or they may feel like they would have to fake being okay if you came to help. Or they might assume that you’re just saying that you’ll help because you feel obligated to.

Instead, take the initiative and offer specific ways you can help. Say, “I want to take you to lunch next week. What time should I pick you up?” or “I’ll watch the kids for you tonight so you can take time for self-care.” Organize a meal train or ask them what day you can drop off dinners for the week. Or call them every week or so just to check in. When you are intentional, they will feel your love and support and know you genuinely want to help them.

“It’s been a while since she/he died. Isn’t it time to move on?”

woman and man placing hands on a crying man's shoulders at a grief support group

Grief has no expiration date. While grief may change over time, it doesn’t go away completely. This insensitive statement can invalidate someone’s feelings of grief and make them feel like you don’t care about their emotions and struggles. Instead, allow your loved one the time they need to grieve and put no expectations on them.

If your grieving friend or family member seems to be struggling a lot even after much time has passed, you can lovingly suggest a grief counselor or grief support group, but don’t push them. Don’t try to fix their pain. Loving them through their grief will help them along the path to healing much more smoothly than your impatience.

As you speak with a grieving person, think before you say anything. You can’t always control how your friend interprets what you say. But by thinking carefully and being sensitive to your loved one’s pain, you can show them that you care about them and want to help.

To learn six more things you should never say to a grieving person, click here. Also, if you’d like tips on what you SHOULD say, take a moment to read “What Should I Say to Someone Who is Grieving?“

Nov 05
Love0
Yellow estate sale sign with a red arrow pointing to the left

Pros and Cons of Using a Professional Estate Sale Company

By Educational

After losing a loved one, you might feel like you have a million things to take care of, from planning a funeral to settling your loved one’s estate. One big task is taking care of your loved one’s belongings. While hosting an estate sale may help you clear away items you don’t want to keep, it can be challenging to do it yourself. But using a professional estate sale company can help! If you’re considering hosting an estate sale, here are a few pros and cons of working with an estate sale company.

NOTE: If there are any disputes regarding the estate, wait until those conflicts are resolved before hosting an estate sale. Also, honor any bequests in the legal will before putting items up for sale.

Pro: Estate sale companies take care of organizing and pricing items.

estate sale pricing stickers

One of the most daunting tasks that comes with hosting an estate sale is sorting through and pricing all the items in the house. For most people, that’s the most significant benefit of using a professional estate company; they do all the organizing and pricing for you. Estate sale companies are familiar with typical estate sale pricing and know which items may be worth a lot of money, which means they can set you up for success.

Con: You’ll still need to do some sorting on your own.

While an estate sale company can help with a lot, there are still a few things you’ll have to take care of on your own, like pulling out any items other family members want or sorting through sentimental items like photos and scrapbooks. Even if you and your family want to sell everything, you’ll still need to check for sensitive documents and important papers.

Pro: Some companies will remove leftover items after the sale.

collection of clothes, records, hats, globes, and other estate sale items in front of a yellow wall

Depending on your contract, the size of the company you work with, and whether they are also estate liquidators, the company might clean out leftover items after the sale. If your family plans to sell the house after the estate sale, this service can be a huge help since you won’t have to worry about moving furniture or deciding what to do with leftover pieces. Plus, some companies may offer cleaning services as part of their contract.

Con: Estate sale companies are mostly unregulated.

For the most part, estate sale companies are unregulated, so it may be challenging to find a reliable company. An inexperienced company may price items too low or too high, resulting in lower profits or fewer sales. A dishonest liquidation company could price valuable items especially high so they don’t sell and the liquidator can resell the items themselves, making a greater profit that you don’t benefit from. If you decide to use an estate sale company, do your research, look at reviews, and read over any contracts carefully before you sign.

Pro: Estate sale companies can bring in more business.

Yellow estate sale sign with a red arrow pointing to the left

Many estate sale companies advertise the sales they host in local newspapers or on websites and their social media pages. They often have large followings of enthusiastic buyers who are always looking for new sales. The estate sale company’s extra advertising and name recognition can bring more people to your sale than you might get if you do everything on your own. The company knows where their buyers are and can bring more traffic to your sale.

Con: Estate sale companies typically take a portion of the profit as their fee.

Many companies will take a percentage of the profit from the sale as part of their contract. This percentage typically ranges from 30%-50% of gross sales, which helps the company pay for labor and the time spent organizing and pricing items. Plus, there may be additional fees for removal of leftover items or cleaning. While this may sound like a lot, remember that an estate sale company’s experience can help boost your sales. You may not get 100% of the profit, but you may still make more money than you would on your own!

While there are pros and cons to both hosting an estate sale yourself and using a company, consider what will best fit your needs. No matter what you choose, take time to look at all your options and do your research before making a decision.

Oct 18
Love0
Older man in a blue shirt holding a piece of paper and rehearsing a eulogy

5 Public Speaking Tips for Delivering a Eulogy

By Meaningful Funerals

Delivering a eulogy is a meaningful but challenging honor. While you might be emotional about speaking at the funeral of someone you love, giving a eulogy is a beautiful way to honor a loved one’s life. By sharing memories and highlighting your loved one’s personality and character traits, a eulogy gives you and other mourners a chance to reflect on a life well-lived.

But delivering a eulogy also involves public speaking and sharing your emotions in front of others, which is difficult for many of us! If you don’t know what to expect while speaking at the funeral or how to prepare, here are a few tips to help you get started.

1. Write it out

woman writing a eulogy in a notebook on a wooden table next to a laptop and a cup of coffee
In speech class, you may have learned to speak from an outline instead of having everything written down. But when giving a eulogy, the last thing you want to do when standing in front of everyone is ad-lib and have your brain fill in the gaps on an outline. By writing out the eulogy word-for-word, you’ll make presenting easier on yourself, especially if you’re worried about getting emotional while speaking.

As you write the eulogy, read it aloud to make sure it flows and sounds natural when spoken. To learn how to write a compelling eulogy, read “How to Write a Eulogy” and “8 Tips for Crafting a Eulogy.”

2. Practice, practice, practice

woman practicing giving a eulogy with a friend
The most important part of delivering a eulogy is the practice you put in ahead of time. While you may be giving a eulogy on short notice, practicing as much as you can before the service will help you feel more confident and sound more relaxed. Try to memorize sections if you can, but don’t worry if you still have to read directly off the page at the funeral.

Additionally, if you can, practice the eulogy in front of someone you feel comfortable with in a low-stress environment. They can give you a second opinion about how the eulogy comes across to an audience. Plus, they can help you get experience delivering it in front of another person.

3. Speak slowly and clearly

Older man in a blue shirt holding a piece of paper and rehearsing a eulogy
Whether you’re comfortable with public speaking or terrified of it, delivering a eulogy can bring on a different set of nerves. And when you’re nervous, uncomfortable, or emotional, it’s normal to start talking faster as part of our fight-or-flight response. But talking quickly can make it harder for your audience to understand you and make it easier for you to trip over your words.

As you give the eulogy, concentrate on speaking slowly. Take time to enunciate your words and remove or practice pronouncing any difficult words. Don’t be afraid to pause and take a deep breath in between sentences to calm your nerves if needed. The other mourners at the funeral will understand if you need to take a second to compose yourself.

4. Relax your body language

microphone in front of a crowd at a funeral
If you’re nervous while giving a speech, it can be easy to tense up and revert to anxious body language, which can be distracting to an audience. While typical public speaking rules about rarely looking at your paper or projecting confidence don’t necessarily apply to eulogies, it’s good to maintain open body language.

As you read, don’t hunch over your paper, and try to look up at the audience if you feel comfortable. If you’re worried about making eye contact with someone and losing your composure, look at a point at the back of the room instead of the actual audience members. But if you don’t feel confident taking your eyes away from the page, that’s okay! Just try to keep a relaxed and open posture.

5. Let yourself be vulnerable

Close up of a person tightly holding onto a tissue with tense fisted hands
You may feel like you need to keep your composure as you deliver the eulogy, but it’s okay to show emotion or cry. Sharing treasured memories in front of a group of people is a vulnerable experience. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed by emotions while giving a eulogy. Other mourners at the service understand that you are also grieving for your lost loved one, and if you need to pause for a moment, they’ll understand.

If you’re worried about breaking down and being unable to finish the eulogy, some preparation ahead of time can help. When practicing the eulogy, pay attention to more personal spots where you get emotional so you can prepare for those moments during the service. Rehearsing the eulogy over and over can also soften the emotions you feel while reading. Before delivering the eulogy, take a few deep breaths and make sure you have tissues on hand.

Be patient with yourself as you prepare to deliver the eulogy. Writing, practicing, and giving a eulogy while you’re grieving can be challenging, so give yourself as much time as you can and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to.

More resources about eulogies:

Oct 15
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Man absently stirring food in a bowl and staring down, lost in thought

8 Tips for Coping with Appetite Loss While Grieving

By Grief/Loss

Losing a loved one takes both a physical and emotional toll on those left behind. While everyone copes with grief differently, it’s normal for those who are grieving to struggle to return to “normal.” Many people face food-related struggles, like overeating, loss of appetite, or eating disorders.

If you’re struggling with loss of appetite, you’re not alone! Whether you can’t find the motivation to cook or simply don’t feel hungry, know that this is a normal part of grief. While it may take time to get your appetite back, there are a few steps you can take to make things easier for yourself. But first, let’s talk about the connection between grief and appetite loss.

Why does grief affect appetite?

Man absently stirring food in a bowl and staring down, lost in thought

There are many reasons grief can affect someone’s appetite, but one of the biggest is that grief adds extra stress to our lives. While some people overeat for comfort when they’re stressed, others lose interest in eating or struggle with physical issues that make eating difficult, like nausea or digestive issues. Those who are grieving might simply forget to eat or not feel motivated to cook or eat.

Additionally, many of the struggles that people who are grieving experience, like anxiety, loneliness, and depression, can cause a lack of appetite. If the person who died was a very close loved one, the grieving person may also feel overwhelmed as they adjust to their new normal without that special person by their side.

Whether the thought of food makes you feel nauseous or you simply don’t have the energy to cook, here are a few tips that may help you find ways to nourish yourself while you’re grieving.

1. Stick with easily digestible foods

Plain toast with butter on top and a butter knife resting on it

If you’re struggling with nausea or digestive issues, look for simple, easily digestible foods that your stomach can handle better. Avoid foods with lots of oil, spices, or sugar, and look for foods that don’t have a strong smell. Toast, bananas, rice, and other simple foods can help you get the nutrients you need and may help you regain your appetite.

2. Opt for easy-to-fix meals

For many people who are grieving, taking time to prepare a meal is a big hurdle, especially if they’ve lost a spouse who was the primary cook. One way to navigate this struggle is by finding easy-to-prepare options with foods you like. Some grocery stores have pre-prepared food like salads, sandwiches, or full meals you can heat and eat.

You can also keep a variety of snacks you know you like to eat, like cheese, fruit, nuts, crackers, or chips and dip. Anything easy to grab and snack on when you feel like it can help. Or you could opt for protein shakes, smoothies, or meal replacement shakes that give you nutrients while potentially being easier to stomach.

3. Try new foods or restaurants

Three people eating out at a restaurant with three different pasta dishes in front of them on a round wooden table

If you find yourself avoiding food because it reminds you of your loved one, you’re not alone. It’s easy for the enjoyment of food to be overshadowed by grief. If you’re struggling with this, one option is to try new foods or restaurants that don’t hold memories of your loved one. Is there a type of cuisine you’ve never tried? A new restaurant that opened up down the street? By making eating an adventure, you can create new positive associations with food that may increase your appetite.

4. Eat your loved one’s favorites

While some people may want to avoid foods that remind them of their loved one, others may feel the opposite. At first, it may be painful to fix your loved one’s favorite meal or to order food from the restaurant you always dined at together. But enjoying food that reminds you of your loved one can be a beautiful way to honor their memory and find a little bit of comfort.

5. Create a routine

Fork, spoon, and knife resting on a green cloth napkin on top of two stacked plates

After losing someone you care about, getting back into a routine can be difficult. But having a routine, especially with regular mealtimes, can help motivate you to eat and encourage your appetite to return. Plus, you won’t have to think about when to eat or rely on how hungry you feel. While you shouldn’t force yourself to eat full meals if you don’t feel like it, you can use set meal times to give yourself some consistency.

6. Set reminders to eat

When you’re grieving and trying to re-establish your routine, it’s easy to lose track of time and miss meals. If you find yourself forgetting to eat, set reminders. Whether it’s an alarm on your phone or a space blocked off on your calendar, having a specific reminder that lets you know when it’s mealtime can help you remember to eat. Even if you don’t feel hungry then, you can grab a small bite or set a new alarm for a little later.

7. Ask for support

Woman hugging someone in a dark blue shirt for comfort

While it can be hard to ask for help, remember that you’re not in this alone. If you’re struggling with finding motivation to cook, friends and family could bring you meals, or your coworkers or church members could organize a meal train. Friends could help keep you accountable if you forget to eat, or they can help you find foods that won’t make you nauseated. And if your lack of appetite continues over a long period of time or results in excessive weight loss, you can consult with your doctor and consider exploring grief therapy options.

8. Give it time

For many people who are grieving, lack of appetite only lasts a few months, but for others, it can last a year or more. While you may feel frustrated if you don’t make progress immediately, be patient with yourself and celebrate the small wins. And if you have concerns about your appetite, digestive issues, or excessive weight loss, don’t hesitate to reach out to your doctor.

Coping with the loss of a loved one is difficult, and what works for one person may not work for you. As you continue on your grief journey, look for food-related strategies that work for you, and give yourself grace as you grieve your loved one and work to take care of your physical needs.

Oct 09
Love0

What is a Healthcare Power of Attorney?

By Estate Planning, Plan Ahead

When it comes to estate planning, there are many documents that cover different areas of your life, like healthcare, finances, and funeral wishes. One such document that plays a vital role in supporting your healthcare wishes is the healthcare power of attorney, also known as a medical power of attorney or a durable power of attorney for healthcare.

But what exactly is a medical power of attorney, and why do you need one? Let’s learn more about this important document!

What does a healthcare power of attorney do?

A power of attorney authorizes someone else, often called an agent, to make decisions on your behalf. There are different types of power of attorney. A general power of attorney nominates one agent who can act on your behalf in all financial, legal, and medical areas. However, if you wish to nominate someone different for each area, you’ll need to explore limited powers of attorney.

That’s where a healthcare power of attorney comes in! A healthcare power of attorney serves as one piece of your advance care directive, a set of documents that lays out the medical care you wish to receive. You can use this type of power of attorney to nominate someone you trust as a healthcare proxy. A healthcare proxy or agent will make medical decisions for you if you cannot communicate.

Remember that the medical power of attorney only names the person you wish to be your proxy and doesn’t outline your wishes. You’ll need to create a living will to document your wishes. Once you’ve documented your wishes, you can share them with your healthcare proxy so they know what decisions to make.

Who can I nominate as my healthcare proxy?

While every state has its own regulations regarding healthcare proxies, in most cases, your proxy must be over 18. Most people nominate their spouse or a family member, but you can nominate anyone you trust, like a close friend or your lawyer. It’s highly recommended not to select your healthcare provider as your proxy.

As you consider who to select as your healthcare proxy, look for someone you feel comfortable communicating your wishes to. Your proxy should be someone you trust to follow your wishes, even if they don’t agree with them. Consider choosing someone who lives nearby or would be willing to travel to you if a situation arises.

Before adding your potential proxy to your power of attorney, talk to them about your wishes and ask them if they feel comfortable serving in this role. Keep in mind that a healthcare proxy is not the same as a guardian. If you don’t have a power of attorney in place when you are incapacitated, a court may appoint a guardian to act on your behalf. A healthcare proxy is only responsible for medical decisions, while a guardian can also make financial and legal decisions.

When does the healthcare power of attorney take effect?

Your healthcare proxy will only step in if you are incapacitated or unable to communicate. If you go into a coma or vegetative state, have an issue arise while under anesthesia, or are unable to speak, move, or write after a stroke or an accident, your healthcare proxy will make decisions on your behalf. Your proxy may make medical decisions if you are in the late stages of Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia.

As long as you are conscious, of sound mind, and able to communicate, you will have decision-making power, and your healthcare power of attorney will not be used.

What decisions can my healthcare proxy make?

If your healthcare power of attorney comes into effect, your proxy will have the authority to make medical decisions. This includes decisions about the care you receive, like surgeries, treatments, medication, pain relief, CPR, and more.

Additionally, your proxy can determine which healthcare providers and physicians you use. Your proxy also has authority over what facilities you visit for treatment, including nursing homes or assisted living facilities. They may make decisions about comfort care, hospice, mental health treatment, and organ donation as well.

In many cases, your healthcare proxy will need to coordinate with the agent you have listed on your financial power of attorney to ensure that medical costs can be covered. While your healthcare proxy should follow your living will, they aren’t legally required to. They may also need to make decisions about medical issues that aren’t mentioned in your living will.

How do I create a healthcare power of attorney?

While many online resources can help you create your healthcare power of attorney, the best course of action is to consult an estate planning lawyer. Each state has different regulations, and a lawyer can ensure your power of attorney is valid.

When creating your power of attorney, you must be of sound mind. Some states require you to have witnesses when you sign the form, while others require the document to be notarized. Depending on your state’s regulations, you may also need to have your proxy sign the forms.

Once your healthcare power of attorney is created, give a copy to your proxy and your medical provider. Keep the original document in a secure location, along with your other estate planning documents.

Can I revise my healthcare power of attorney?

Yes, you can! In fact, as your circumstances change, it’s important to keep your healthcare power of attorney up to date. Whether you move to a new state or want to change your proxy, you can change your power of attorney. Just like when you write your power of attorney, you must be of sound mind to change the document.

If you do make changes to your healthcare power of attorney, make sure to revoke or cancel your previous version. Depending on your state’s regulations and your specific situation, you may need to sign a revocation letter or include a clause in your new power of attorney revoking prior powers of attorney. Don’t forget to inform all pertinent parties (like your healthcare provider and proxy) of the change. It’s also a good idea to destroy any previous copies to prevent confusion.

As you make decisions about your medical wishes and healthcare proxy, don’t be afraid to ask for help from people you trust. And if there’s anything you’re unsure about, don’t hesitate to contact a local estate planning attorney. They can ensure that your wishes are documented in a valid way.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary, so any estate planning should only be undertaken with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

Oct 09
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Man's hand touching a prayer book resting on top of a Jewish prayer shawl

Jewish Funeral Etiquette: What to Expect as a Non-Jew

By Educational

Attending a funeral is a profound way to show respect and offer comfort to those who are grieving. But attending a service for someone in a faith tradition you’re unfamiliar with can be intimidating. This is especially true for non-Jews attending a Jewish funeral for the first time. Many of the customs and traditions included in a Jewish funeral may be unfamiliar to non-Jews.

If you’ve been invited to a Jewish funeral, don’t hesitate to attend and support the grieving family! If you are respectful and sensitive, your presence will be appreciated. And while every Jewish funeral will look different depending on the Jewish family’s level of observance, this guide can help you better understand what to expect. Let’s get started!

Deciding What to Wear

People at graveside service in modest clothing

While non-Jewish funeral attendees aren’t always required to adhere to Jewish rules about modesty, it’s best to dress respectfully. Generally, it’s a good idea for both women and men to wear clothing covering their knees, shoulders, and elbows.

Wearing black typically isn’t a requirement, but choose colors and patterns that are more muted and not showy. Avoid clothing with many embellishments, and when in doubt, opt for business casual. Good options include pants and a collared shirt or suit for men and a long dress, skirt, or slacks for women. Additionally, if you’ll be outside at the funeral or graveside service, dress for the weather and wear shoes you can walk across dirt and grass with.

Non-Jews are generally exempt from Jewish rules about head coverings. But if the funeral occurs in a synagogue, men and/or women may be required to cover their heads or hair. Synagogues may have yarmulke, also known as kippah or skullcaps, available for men to use at the entrance. When in doubt, you can bring a hat or, for women, a scarf to cover your head if requested.

Understanding a Few Traditions

Close-up of a wooden casket

Jewish funerals often involve many different traditions and rituals. While you may not see or hear about all of these, depending on the family’s level of observance, here are a few of the most common traditions.

Burial within 24 hours: Many branches of Judaism believe that the deceased should be buried within 24 hours of death, although some traditions allow 72 hours.

Ritual washing: Before burial, Jewish community members wash and prepare the body, dressing the deceased in a white garment called a tachrichim.

Wooden casket: In many Jewish traditions, burial occurs without any metal, including metal caskets or nails, which makes wooden caskets the traditional choice.

Closed casket: Jewish funerals will almost always be closed casket funerals, as viewing the deceased is considered a violation of their privacy.

Natural burial: Most Jewish burials are natural, as Jewish law prohibits tampering with a body, which means that bodies are not embalmed except in special circumstances.

Asking for forgiveness: You may see mourners whispering near the casket. They might be asking for forgiveness from the deceased, resolving bad connections, or saying words they wish they had.

Kriah/tearing: Immediate family or very close friends of the deceased may have a piece of their clothing cut or torn or a black ribbon pinned to their clothing. This symbolizes how the loss of a family member tears the family.

If a Jewish funeral doesn’t include one of these traditions or seems out of the norm, remember that different branches of Judaism have different traditions. Avoid drawing attention to differences as they may be sensitive topics, especially if there were family disagreements about what to include in the service.

Attending the Funeral

Man's hand touching a prayer book resting on top of a Jewish prayer shawl

Jewish funerals are typically held at the graveside, a synagogue, or the funeral home. In Jewish tradition, flowers are not acceptable for funerals, so there will usually be no flowers at the service.

Before the funeral, the grieving family should not be greeted except by other very close family members or friends, and often, you may not see the family until the service starts. In many Jewish traditions, those offering condolences should wait for the family to speak to them first before sharing their sympathies, which typically occurs while the family sits shiva in the days following the service.

While the contents of the funeral may vary, most Jewish funerals will include prayers and recitations of Psalms. There may or may not be a eulogy, depending on the family’s level of observance. For readings and prayers, you may participate if you feel comfortable, but it’s not necessary. If you do, keep your voice soft and respectful and take cues from those around you.

Just like at any funeral, observe general etiquette rules and keep your cell phone off and out of sight. Unless you are a very close friend of the family, sit a respectful distance away.

Attending the Graveside Service

yellow leaf resting on top of a granite headstone with the Star of David engraved on it

Burial will typically occur immediately after the funeral. Often, only close family and friends will go to the graveside service, so if you don’t know the family well, it’s usually okay to skip it as a non-Jew.

There may be several readings or prayers at the graveside. Mourners will typically recite the burial or graveside Kaddish, a traditional Jewish prayer. In some branches of the Jewish faith, only male mourners will recite the Kaddish. Others do allow women to participate in reciting the prayer. If you’re not in the Jewish faith, you don’t need to worry about joining in the Kaddish.

During the service, mourners often take turns shoveling earth into the grave. While you aren’t required to participate, it can be a beautiful way to pay your respects to the deceased.

After the graveside service, Jews usually wash their hands, whether at the cemetery or before entering a home. As a non-Jew, you’re not required to participate, but if you wish to, follow the lead of those around you.

Sharing Your Condolences

Person writing a condolence letter to a grieving friend

If you’re unable to attend the funeral or just wish to express your sympathies to the family after the fact, there are a few things you can do to share your condolences. In the days following a funeral, Jewish families sit shiva, where friends and family comfort them at home. If you’re interested in visiting the family during shiva, check out this article to learn more about what to expect.

When offering your condolences to a Jewish family, wait for the family to greet you before speaking with them. Avoid referring to an afterlife and instead focus on the memory of the deceased. For example, you could say, “May his memory be a blessing” or “May her memory bring you comfort.” If you send a sympathy card or condolence letter, make sure not to send anything with a Biblical quote from the New Testament.

If you wish to send the family a gift, keep a few things in mind. While flowers are often used at non-Jewish funerals, don’t send flowers to the mourners at a Jewish funeral. You can bring food to the family, but ask about food sensitivities and whether or not kosher food is required. Memorial donations to organizations or causes important to the deceased or the family are another option you can explore. But don’t feel pressured to give anything, especially if you’re not used to preparing kosher food. Your presence is enough.

As you plan to attend a Jewish funeral, remember that your presence matters most. As long as you are kind and respectful, the family will appreciate your support while you pay respects to the deceased.

Sep 25
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young boy hugging his grandparents as they smile at him

7 Questions to Ask When Estate Planning with Dependent Children

By Children, Estate Planning

None of us want to think about a time after we’re gone when our children, grandchildren, or other minor dependents may be on their own. But putting together an estate plan is an important step to ensure that your dependents are protected. Plus, having a plan for your dependents can give you peace of mind, knowing they’ll be cared for and provided for.

As you start estate planning with your dependents in mind, here are a few specific questions to consider:

1. Who would you want to have as your dependent’s guardian?

male guardian in light yellow shirt resting his hand on a teen boy's shoulder

Choosing a guardian is one of the most important steps to take when estate planning for your minor dependent. If something happens to you, someone will need to take care of your dependent. A guardian can be a family member or a friend.

As you decide who to name as a guardian, look for someone you trust who gets along with the child and can provide the level of care the child needs. Talk to the potential guardian and make sure they agree before you decide.

Once you know who your dependent’s guardian will be, you’ll need to officially nominate them as part of your will or a power of attorney. Talk to your estate planning attorney to determine which option is best for you.

2. What information does the guardian need to know?

paper cutout of a family in front of a gavel

Even if your chosen guardian is a close family member, there are many things about your minor that they may not know. And if your dependent is very young, they won’t be able to share important information, like their social security information or medical history, with their guardian.

That’s why keeping all important documents organized and in a safe place is important. You should securely store items like your minor dependent’s birth certificate, social security card, medical and vaccination records, and other important documents. Additionally, you may want to include information about their doctors, school records, and any allergies or other health issues.

You should also consider parts of your digital estate relating to your dependents, like any online school accounts, email addresses, or photo albums. Store passwords and login information for these in a secure location like a specific notebook or an online password manager.

As you gather this important information, consult your estate planning attorney to find out where to include information about the location of these documents in your estate plan.

3. Who should make decisions if you’re incapacitated?

red pen laying on a document that says power of attorney

Minor dependents cannot make legal or financial decisions if you become incapacitated. That’s why you need to plan ahead and make sure someone you trust can make those decisions. By creating a power of attorney, you can nominate a trusted person to make legal, financial, and medical decisions if you become incapacitated and cannot make decisions. If you wish, you can also create separate powers of attorney to nominate different people to make decisions in each area.

4. How should your dependent be provided for?

young woman outside holding a little girl on her back who has her arms outstretched like an airplane

When it comes to providing for your dependents financially, you have plenty of options! You can name your dependents as beneficiaries in your will, create a trust to split funds between dependents, or add your dependent as a secondary beneficiary of your life insurance.

However, remember that minors need a legal adult to serve as trustee over any money they inherit before turning 18. The trustee can be the same person you choose as their legal guardian or someone different, as long as it’s someone you trust to manage the inheritance.

What works for one family may not work for yours, so talk to your estate planning attorney to pick the right option for your family. They can also tell you how to nominate a trustee in your estate plan.

5. Do you have any specific requirements for your dependents or their guardian?

young boy hugging his grandparents as they smile at him

What requirements would you have for your minor dependents if something happened to you? Would you want your children to stay together in the same home? Do you want them to stay in the same area and attend the same school?

Think about the things that are non-negotiable for you and your family. Make sure to communicate with your chosen guardian about your wishes for your dependents. If some requirements are costly (e.g., if the guardian would need to move to a different area), consider setting aside extra funds to help cover that cost.

6. Does your dependent have any special needs?

woman smiling at a boy in a wheelchair on a beach

Children and adults with special needs or health concerns may require extra care. If this is the case for your dependent, make sure to consult with their potential guardian and make sure they’re up to the task – especially if your dependent with special needs will need care for the rest of their life.

Once you have guardianship sorted out, consider the costs of the care your dependent needs. One way to provide for their needs is to set up a special needs trust, which can help preserve your assets and ensure your dependent receives the care they need. Check with your estate planning attorney to learn about the requirements for special needs trusts and determine if this option is right for you.

7. How often should you update your estate plan?

person filling out a form by hand with a pen

As life changes, the needs of your family change, too, which means you’ll need to keep your estate plan up to date. Maybe you have a new significant other and want to nominate them as guardian now. Or maybe your financial situation changed and you want your assets distributed differently. In that case, you’ll need to talk to your attorney about updating your estate plan.

Additionally, life may change for your chosen guardian. They may get married, divorced, or have their own kids. Or, due to other changes, they may no longer feel able to care for your dependent. Every few years, or when a major change happens with your chosen guardian, check in with them and see if they still wish to be named as guardian.

Even if no major changes have happened in your life, you’ll still need to check your estate plan every few years to ensure everything matches your wishes.

As you make decisions about providing for your dependent, talk to your trusted friends, family members, and advisors about your choices. Everything is ultimately your decision, but don’t hesitate to ask for help or advice if needed. While making decisions about the future may seem daunting initially, once it’s done, you can rest easy knowing that a plan is in place to care for your dependents.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary, so only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

More Estate Planning Resources

Sep 05
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Craftsperson using a chisel and mallet to carve a headstone

What Should I Write on a Headstone?

By Cemeteries, Explore Options, Planning Tools

A headstone or plaque doesn’t just mark someone’s final resting place. They also serve as symbols, reminders of the lost loved one, and ways to honor their memory. That’s why the epitaph, the words inscribed on a headstone, plaque, or memorial marker, is so important.

Epitaphs have a long history, but they have taken many forms over the years. They can be light-hearted and witty or inspirational and profound. All great epitaphs reflect the deceased’s spirit and put a unique, personalized touch on the marker. If you want to memorialize your loved one’s life in an interesting way or plan ahead for your own inscription, consider the following tips for creating a unique epitaph.

Brainstorm ideas

Person writing ideas for an epitaph in a notebook

To start, brainstorm a few ideas. Did your loved one have a signature saying? Was there a movie, book, or song that they loved? How would you describe their character and the life they lived? Write down anything that reminds you of your loved one to get your creativity flowing, even if you’re pretty sure you won’t use what you write.

Put yourself in your loved one’s shoes

Next, consider what your loved one would want on their epitaph. Would they prefer a light-hearted, humorous quote? Or one that moves people deeply and encourages them in daily life? Would they want their epitaph to talk about their personality, interests, hobbies, or role as a father, mother, or child? Look for options that would honor their preferences, priorities, and personality.

Consider your loved one’s principles, beliefs, and values

Plack that says "Known Unto God" surrounded by orange and yellow flowers

Was your loved one a person of faith? You may want to consider using their favorite Bible verse. Or was there a cause they were passionate about and dedicated their time to? Maybe you could mention that. You could also consider using a quote from a poem, song, or literary work. Whatever you choose, make sure it represents the individual’s life and what was most important to them.

Share their legacy

Alternatively, many epitaphs share a snapshot of the person’s legacy. You might see epitaphs like “Beloved wife, mother, and friend” or “He gave his life for his country.” These brief testaments highlight the impact the deceased made and can comfort those who come back year after year to visit the grave.

Keep it short

Craftsperson using a chisel and mallet to carve a headstone

The length of an epitaph will vary, but in most cases, it should be as compact as possible. Consider the amount of space you have available and the kind of material it will be inscribed on. Your funeral director or monument specialist can help answer your questions about your chosen monument or plaque. But in general, it’s best to keep the epitaph short.

Think big picture

The epitaph is an opportunity to communicate a message to people who will visit your loved one for years to come. For this reason, it’s important to decide on an epitaph that will stand the test of time. Consider something with a long-standing appeal and try to avoid fads or a cultural reference that may fade into obscurity as the years go by. The choice is ultimately up to you and your family, though!

Get feedback

Headstone that says "In Loving Memory" on it

After you’ve settled on a few options you like, get feedback from other family members. Your family may have preferences about what goes on your loved one’s marker, so get their input before deciding on the epitaph. For example, if the epitaph is for a parent, ensure all your siblings are on board with the decision. Once everyone agrees, you’re ready to go!

As you consider what to put on your loved one’s grave, don’t be afraid to think outside the box! You could include their signature recipe or use a QR code that links to a memorial website. No matter what you choose, focus on picking something personalized that truly reflects your loved one’s life.

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