Courtney Cook, Author at Funeral Basics

Oct 18

Older man in a blue shirt holding a piece of paper and rehearsing a eulogy

5 Public Speaking Tips for Delivering a Eulogy

By Courtney Cook Meaningful Funerals

Delivering a eulogy is a meaningful but challenging honor. While you might be emotional about speaking at the funeral of someone you love, giving a eulogy is a beautiful way to honor a loved one’s life. By sharing memories and highlighting your loved one’s personality and character traits, a eulogy gives you and other mourners a chance to reflect on a life well-lived.

But delivering a eulogy also involves public speaking and sharing your emotions in front of others, which is difficult for many of us! If you don’t know what to expect while speaking at the funeral or how to prepare, here are a few tips to help you get started.

1. Write it out

woman writing a eulogy in a notebook on a wooden table next to a laptop and a cup of coffee
In speech class, you may have learned to speak from an outline instead of having everything written down. But when giving a eulogy, the last thing you want to do when standing in front of everyone is ad-lib and have your brain fill in the gaps on an outline. By writing out the eulogy word-for-word, you’ll make presenting easier on yourself, especially if you’re worried about getting emotional while speaking.

As you write the eulogy, read it aloud to make sure it flows and sounds natural when spoken. To learn how to write a compelling eulogy, read “How to Write a Eulogy” and “8 Tips for Crafting a Eulogy.”

2. Practice, practice, practice

woman practicing giving a eulogy with a friend
The most important part of delivering a eulogy is the practice you put in ahead of time. While you may be giving a eulogy on short notice, practicing as much as you can before the service will help you feel more confident and sound more relaxed. Try to memorize sections if you can, but don’t worry if you still have to read directly off the page at the funeral.

Additionally, if you can, practice the eulogy in front of someone you feel comfortable with in a low-stress environment. They can give you a second opinion about how the eulogy comes across to an audience. Plus, they can help you get experience delivering it in front of another person.

3. Speak slowly and clearly

Older man in a blue shirt holding a piece of paper and rehearsing a eulogy
Whether you’re comfortable with public speaking or terrified of it, delivering a eulogy can bring on a different set of nerves. And when you’re nervous, uncomfortable, or emotional, it’s normal to start talking faster as part of our fight-or-flight response. But talking quickly can make it harder for your audience to understand you and make it easier for you to trip over your words.

As you give the eulogy, concentrate on speaking slowly. Take time to enunciate your words and remove or practice pronouncing any difficult words. Don’t be afraid to pause and take a deep breath in between sentences to calm your nerves if needed. The other mourners at the funeral will understand if you need to take a second to compose yourself.

4. Relax your body language

microphone in front of a crowd at a funeral
If you’re nervous while giving a speech, it can be easy to tense up and revert to anxious body language, which can be distracting to an audience. While typical public speaking rules about rarely looking at your paper or projecting confidence don’t necessarily apply to eulogies, it’s good to maintain open body language.

As you read, don’t hunch over your paper, and try to look up at the audience if you feel comfortable. If you’re worried about making eye contact with someone and losing your composure, look at a point at the back of the room instead of the actual audience members. But if you don’t feel confident taking your eyes away from the page, that’s okay! Just try to keep a relaxed and open posture.

5. Let yourself be vulnerable

Close up of a person tightly holding onto a tissue with tense fisted hands
You may feel like you need to keep your composure as you deliver the eulogy, but it’s okay to show emotion or cry. Sharing treasured memories in front of a group of people is a vulnerable experience. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed by emotions while giving a eulogy. Other mourners at the service understand that you are also grieving for your lost loved one, and if you need to pause for a moment, they’ll understand.

If you’re worried about breaking down and being unable to finish the eulogy, some preparation ahead of time can help. When practicing the eulogy, pay attention to more personal spots where you get emotional so you can prepare for those moments during the service. Rehearsing the eulogy over and over can also soften the emotions you feel while reading. Before delivering the eulogy, take a few deep breaths and make sure you have tissues on hand.

Be patient with yourself as you prepare to deliver the eulogy. Writing, practicing, and giving a eulogy while you’re grieving can be challenging, so give yourself as much time as you can and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to.

More resources about eulogies:

Oct 15

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Man absently stirring food in a bowl and staring down, lost in thought

8 Tips for Coping with Appetite Loss While Grieving

By Courtney Cook Grief/Loss

Losing a loved one takes both a physical and emotional toll on those left behind. While everyone copes with grief differently, it’s normal for those who are grieving to struggle to return to “normal.” Many people face food-related struggles, like overeating, loss of appetite, or eating disorders.

If you’re struggling with loss of appetite, you’re not alone! Whether you can’t find the motivation to cook or simply don’t feel hungry, know that this is a normal part of grief. While it may take time to get your appetite back, there are a few steps you can take to make things easier for yourself. But first, let’s talk about the connection between grief and appetite loss.

Why does grief affect appetite?

Man absently stirring food in a bowl and staring down, lost in thought

There are many reasons grief can affect someone’s appetite, but one of the biggest is that grief adds extra stress to our lives. While some people overeat for comfort when they’re stressed, others lose interest in eating or struggle with physical issues that make eating difficult, like nausea or digestive issues. Those who are grieving might simply forget to eat or not feel motivated to cook or eat.

Additionally, many of the struggles that people who are grieving experience, like anxiety, loneliness, and depression, can cause a lack of appetite. If the person who died was a very close loved one, the grieving person may also feel overwhelmed as they adjust to their new normal without that special person by their side.

Whether the thought of food makes you feel nauseous or you simply don’t have the energy to cook, here are a few tips that may help you find ways to nourish yourself while you’re grieving.

1. Stick with easily digestible foods

Plain toast with butter on top and a butter knife resting on it

If you’re struggling with nausea or digestive issues, look for simple, easily digestible foods that your stomach can handle better. Avoid foods with lots of oil, spices, or sugar, and look for foods that don’t have a strong smell. Toast, bananas, rice, and other simple foods can help you get the nutrients you need and may help you regain your appetite.

2. Opt for easy-to-fix meals

For many people who are grieving, taking time to prepare a meal is a big hurdle, especially if they’ve lost a spouse who was the primary cook. One way to navigate this struggle is by finding easy-to-prepare options with foods you like. Some grocery stores have pre-prepared food like salads, sandwiches, or full meals you can heat and eat.

You can also keep a variety of snacks you know you like to eat, like cheese, fruit, nuts, crackers, or chips and dip. Anything easy to grab and snack on when you feel like it can help. Or you could opt for protein shakes, smoothies, or meal replacement shakes that give you nutrients while potentially being easier to stomach.

3. Try new foods or restaurants

Three people eating out at a restaurant with three different pasta dishes in front of them on a round wooden table

If you find yourself avoiding food because it reminds you of your loved one, you’re not alone. It’s easy for the enjoyment of food to be overshadowed by grief. If you’re struggling with this, one option is to try new foods or restaurants that don’t hold memories of your loved one. Is there a type of cuisine you’ve never tried? A new restaurant that opened up down the street? By making eating an adventure, you can create new positive associations with food that may increase your appetite.

4. Eat your loved one’s favorites

While some people may want to avoid foods that remind them of their loved one, others may feel the opposite. At first, it may be painful to fix your loved one’s favorite meal or to order food from the restaurant you always dined at together. But enjoying food that reminds you of your loved one can be a beautiful way to honor their memory and find a little bit of comfort.

5. Create a routine

Fork, spoon, and knife resting on a green cloth napkin on top of two stacked plates

After losing someone you care about, getting back into a routine can be difficult. But having a routine, especially with regular mealtimes, can help motivate you to eat and encourage your appetite to return. Plus, you won’t have to think about when to eat or rely on how hungry you feel. While you shouldn’t force yourself to eat full meals if you don’t feel like it, you can use set meal times to give yourself some consistency.

6. Set reminders to eat

When you’re grieving and trying to re-establish your routine, it’s easy to lose track of time and miss meals. If you find yourself forgetting to eat, set reminders. Whether it’s an alarm on your phone or a space blocked off on your calendar, having a specific reminder that lets you know when it’s mealtime can help you remember to eat. Even if you don’t feel hungry then, you can grab a small bite or set a new alarm for a little later.

7. Ask for support

Woman hugging someone in a dark blue shirt for comfort

While it can be hard to ask for help, remember that you’re not in this alone. If you’re struggling with finding motivation to cook, friends and family could bring you meals, or your coworkers or church members could organize a meal train. Friends could help keep you accountable if you forget to eat, or they can help you find foods that won’t make you nauseated. And if your lack of appetite continues over a long period of time or results in excessive weight loss, you can consult with your doctor and consider exploring grief therapy options.

8. Give it time

For many people who are grieving, lack of appetite only lasts a few months, but for others, it can last a year or more. While you may feel frustrated if you don’t make progress immediately, be patient with yourself and celebrate the small wins. And if you have concerns about your appetite, digestive issues, or excessive weight loss, don’t hesitate to reach out to your doctor.

Coping with the loss of a loved one is difficult, and what works for one person may not work for you. As you continue on your grief journey, look for food-related strategies that work for you, and give yourself grace as you grieve your loved one and work to take care of your physical needs.

Oct 09

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What is a Healthcare Power of Attorney?

By Courtney Cook Estate Planning, Plan Ahead

When it comes to estate planning, there are many documents that cover different areas of your life, like healthcare, finances, and funeral wishes. One such document that plays a vital role in supporting your healthcare wishes is the healthcare power of attorney, also known as a medical power of attorney or a durable power of attorney for healthcare.

But what exactly is a medical power of attorney, and why do you need one? Let’s learn more about this important document!

What does a healthcare power of attorney do?

A power of attorney authorizes someone else, often called an agent, to make decisions on your behalf. There are different types of power of attorney. A general power of attorney nominates one agent who can act on your behalf in all financial, legal, and medical areas. However, if you wish to nominate someone different for each area, you’ll need to explore limited powers of attorney.

That’s where a healthcare power of attorney comes in! A healthcare power of attorney serves as one piece of your advance care directive, a set of documents that lays out the medical care you wish to receive. You can use this type of power of attorney to nominate someone you trust as a healthcare proxy. A healthcare proxy or agent will make medical decisions for you if you cannot communicate.

Remember that the medical power of attorney only names the person you wish to be your proxy and doesn’t outline your wishes. You’ll need to create a living will to document your wishes. Once you’ve documented your wishes, you can share them with your healthcare proxy so they know what decisions to make.

Who can I nominate as my healthcare proxy?

While every state has its own regulations regarding healthcare proxies, in most cases, your proxy must be over 18. Most people nominate their spouse or a family member, but you can nominate anyone you trust, like a close friend or your lawyer. It’s highly recommended not to select your healthcare provider as your proxy.

As you consider who to select as your healthcare proxy, look for someone you feel comfortable communicating your wishes to. Your proxy should be someone you trust to follow your wishes, even if they don’t agree with them. Consider choosing someone who lives nearby or would be willing to travel to you if a situation arises.

Before adding your potential proxy to your power of attorney, talk to them about your wishes and ask them if they feel comfortable serving in this role. Keep in mind that a healthcare proxy is not the same as a guardian. If you don’t have a power of attorney in place when you are incapacitated, a court may appoint a guardian to act on your behalf. A healthcare proxy is only responsible for medical decisions, while a guardian can also make financial and legal decisions.

When does the healthcare power of attorney take effect?

Your healthcare proxy will only step in if you are incapacitated or unable to communicate. If you go into a coma or vegetative state, have an issue arise while under anesthesia, or are unable to speak, move, or write after a stroke or an accident, your healthcare proxy will make decisions on your behalf. Your proxy may make medical decisions if you are in the late stages of Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia.

As long as you are conscious, of sound mind, and able to communicate, you will have decision-making power, and your healthcare power of attorney will not be used.

What decisions can my healthcare proxy make?

If your healthcare power of attorney comes into effect, your proxy will have the authority to make medical decisions. This includes decisions about the care you receive, like surgeries, treatments, medication, pain relief, CPR, and more.

Additionally, your proxy can determine which healthcare providers and physicians you use. Your proxy also has authority over what facilities you visit for treatment, including nursing homes or assisted living facilities. They may make decisions about comfort care, hospice, mental health treatment, and organ donation as well.

In many cases, your healthcare proxy will need to coordinate with the agent you have listed on your financial power of attorney to ensure that medical costs can be covered. While your healthcare proxy should follow your living will, they aren’t legally required to. They may also need to make decisions about medical issues that aren’t mentioned in your living will.

How do I create a healthcare power of attorney?

While many online resources can help you create your healthcare power of attorney, the best course of action is to consult an estate planning lawyer. Each state has different regulations, and a lawyer can ensure your power of attorney is valid.

When creating your power of attorney, you must be of sound mind. Some states require you to have witnesses when you sign the form, while others require the document to be notarized. Depending on your state’s regulations, you may also need to have your proxy sign the forms.

Once your healthcare power of attorney is created, give a copy to your proxy and your medical provider. Keep the original document in a secure location, along with your other estate planning documents.

Can I revise my healthcare power of attorney?

Yes, you can! In fact, as your circumstances change, it’s important to keep your healthcare power of attorney up to date. Whether you move to a new state or want to change your proxy, you can change your power of attorney. Just like when you write your power of attorney, you must be of sound mind to change the document.

If you do make changes to your healthcare power of attorney, make sure to revoke or cancel your previous version. Depending on your state’s regulations and your specific situation, you may need to sign a revocation letter or include a clause in your new power of attorney revoking prior powers of attorney. Don’t forget to inform all pertinent parties (like your healthcare provider and proxy) of the change. It’s also a good idea to destroy any previous copies to prevent confusion.

As you make decisions about your medical wishes and healthcare proxy, don’t be afraid to ask for help from people you trust. And if there’s anything you’re unsure about, don’t hesitate to contact a local estate planning attorney. They can ensure that your wishes are documented in a valid way.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary, so any estate planning should only be undertaken with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

Oct 09

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Man's hand touching a prayer book resting on top of a Jewish prayer shawl

Jewish Funeral Etiquette: What to Expect as a Non-Jew

By Courtney Cook Educational

Attending a funeral is a profound way to show respect and offer comfort to those who are grieving. But attending a service for someone in a faith tradition you’re unfamiliar with can be intimidating. This is especially true for non-Jews attending a Jewish funeral for the first time. Many of the customs and traditions included in a Jewish funeral may be unfamiliar to non-Jews.

If you’ve been invited to a Jewish funeral, don’t hesitate to attend and support the grieving family! If you are respectful and sensitive, your presence will be appreciated. And while every Jewish funeral will look different depending on the Jewish family’s level of observance, this guide can help you better understand what to expect. Let’s get started!

Deciding What to Wear

People at graveside service in modest clothing

While non-Jewish funeral attendees aren’t always required to adhere to Jewish rules about modesty, it’s best to dress respectfully. Generally, it’s a good idea for both women and men to wear clothing covering their knees, shoulders, and elbows.

Wearing black typically isn’t a requirement, but choose colors and patterns that are more muted and not showy. Avoid clothing with many embellishments, and when in doubt, opt for business casual. Good options include pants and a collared shirt or suit for men and a long dress, skirt, or slacks for women. Additionally, if you’ll be outside at the funeral or graveside service, dress for the weather and wear shoes you can walk across dirt and grass with.

Non-Jews are generally exempt from Jewish rules about head coverings. But if the funeral occurs in a synagogue, men and/or women may be required to cover their heads or hair. Synagogues may have yarmulke, also known as kippah or skullcaps, available for men to use at the entrance. When in doubt, you can bring a hat or, for women, a scarf to cover your head if requested.

Understanding a Few Traditions

Close-up of a wooden casket

Jewish funerals often involve many different traditions and rituals. While you may not see or hear about all of these, depending on the family’s level of observance, here are a few of the most common traditions.

Burial within 24 hours: Many branches of Judaism believe that the deceased should be buried within 24 hours of death, although some traditions allow 72 hours.

Ritual washing: Before burial, Jewish community members wash and prepare the body, dressing the deceased in a white garment called a tachrichim.

Wooden casket: In many Jewish traditions, burial occurs without any metal, including metal caskets or nails, which makes wooden caskets the traditional choice.

Closed casket: Jewish funerals will almost always be closed casket funerals, as viewing the deceased is considered a violation of their privacy.

Natural burial: Most Jewish burials are natural, as Jewish law prohibits tampering with a body, which means that bodies are not embalmed except in special circumstances.

Asking for forgiveness: You may see mourners whispering near the casket. They might be asking for forgiveness from the deceased, resolving bad connections, or saying words they wish they had.

Kriah/tearing: Immediate family or very close friends of the deceased may have a piece of their clothing cut or torn or a black ribbon pinned to their clothing. This symbolizes how the loss of a family member tears the family.

If a Jewish funeral doesn’t include one of these traditions or seems out of the norm, remember that different branches of Judaism have different traditions. Avoid drawing attention to differences as they may be sensitive topics, especially if there were family disagreements about what to include in the service.

Attending the Funeral

Man's hand touching a prayer book resting on top of a Jewish prayer shawl

Jewish funerals are typically held at the graveside, a synagogue, or the funeral home. In Jewish tradition, flowers are not acceptable for funerals, so there will usually be no flowers at the service.

Before the funeral, the grieving family should not be greeted except by other very close family members or friends, and often, you may not see the family until the service starts. In many Jewish traditions, those offering condolences should wait for the family to speak to them first before sharing their sympathies, which typically occurs while the family sits shiva in the days following the service.

While the contents of the funeral may vary, most Jewish funerals will include prayers and recitations of Psalms. There may or may not be a eulogy, depending on the family’s level of observance. For readings and prayers, you may participate if you feel comfortable, but it’s not necessary. If you do, keep your voice soft and respectful and take cues from those around you.

Just like at any funeral, observe general etiquette rules and keep your cell phone off and out of sight. Unless you are a very close friend of the family, sit a respectful distance away.

Attending the Graveside Service

yellow leaf resting on top of a granite headstone with the Star of David engraved on it

Burial will typically occur immediately after the funeral. Often, only close family and friends will go to the graveside service, so if you don’t know the family well, it’s usually okay to skip it as a non-Jew.

There may be several readings or prayers at the graveside. Mourners will typically recite the burial or graveside Kaddish, a traditional Jewish prayer. In some branches of the Jewish faith, only male mourners will recite the Kaddish. Others do allow women to participate in reciting the prayer. If you’re not in the Jewish faith, you don’t need to worry about joining in the Kaddish.

During the service, mourners often take turns shoveling earth into the grave. While you aren’t required to participate, it can be a beautiful way to pay your respects to the deceased.

After the graveside service, Jews usually wash their hands, whether at the cemetery or before entering a home. As a non-Jew, you’re not required to participate, but if you wish to, follow the lead of those around you.

Sharing Your Condolences

Person writing a condolence letter to a grieving friend

If you’re unable to attend the funeral or just wish to express your sympathies to the family after the fact, there are a few things you can do to share your condolences. In the days following a funeral, Jewish families sit shiva, where friends and family comfort them at home. If you’re interested in visiting the family during shiva, check out this article to learn more about what to expect.

When offering your condolences to a Jewish family, wait for the family to greet you before speaking with them. Avoid referring to an afterlife and instead focus on the memory of the deceased. For example, you could say, “May his memory be a blessing” or “May her memory bring you comfort.” If you send a sympathy card or condolence letter, make sure not to send anything with a Biblical quote from the New Testament.

If you wish to send the family a gift, keep a few things in mind. While flowers are often used at non-Jewish funerals, don’t send flowers to the mourners at a Jewish funeral. You can bring food to the family, but ask about food sensitivities and whether or not kosher food is required. Memorial donations to organizations or causes important to the deceased or the family are another option you can explore. But don’t feel pressured to give anything, especially if you’re not used to preparing kosher food. Your presence is enough.

As you plan to attend a Jewish funeral, remember that your presence matters most. As long as you are kind and respectful, the family will appreciate your support while you pay respects to the deceased.

Sep 25

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young boy hugging his grandparents as they smile at him

7 Questions to Ask When Estate Planning with Dependent Children

By Courtney Cook Children, Estate Planning

None of us want to think about a time after we’re gone when our children, grandchildren, or other minor dependents may be on their own. But putting together an estate plan is an important step to ensure that your dependents are protected. Plus, having a plan for your dependents can give you peace of mind, knowing they’ll be cared for and provided for.

As you start estate planning with your dependents in mind, here are a few specific questions to consider:

1. Who would you want to have as your dependent’s guardian?

male guardian in light yellow shirt resting his hand on a teen boy's shoulder

Choosing a guardian is one of the most important steps to take when estate planning for your minor dependent. If something happens to you, someone will need to take care of your dependent. A guardian can be a family member or a friend.

As you decide who to name as a guardian, look for someone you trust who gets along with the child and can provide the level of care the child needs. Talk to the potential guardian and make sure they agree before you decide.

Once you know who your dependent’s guardian will be, you’ll need to officially nominate them as part of your will or a power of attorney. Talk to your estate planning attorney to determine which option is best for you.

2. What information does the guardian need to know?

paper cutout of a family in front of a gavel

Even if your chosen guardian is a close family member, there are many things about your minor that they may not know. And if your dependent is very young, they won’t be able to share important information, like their social security information or medical history, with their guardian.

That’s why keeping all important documents organized and in a safe place is important. You should securely store items like your minor dependent’s birth certificate, social security card, medical and vaccination records, and other important documents. Additionally, you may want to include information about their doctors, school records, and any allergies or other health issues.

You should also consider parts of your digital estate relating to your dependents, like any online school accounts, email addresses, or photo albums. Store passwords and login information for these in a secure location like a specific notebook or an online password manager.

As you gather this important information, consult your estate planning attorney to find out where to include information about the location of these documents in your estate plan.

3. Who should make decisions if you’re incapacitated?

red pen laying on a document that says power of attorney

Minor dependents cannot make legal or financial decisions if you become incapacitated. That’s why you need to plan ahead and make sure someone you trust can make those decisions. By creating a power of attorney, you can nominate a trusted person to make legal, financial, and medical decisions if you become incapacitated and cannot make decisions. If you wish, you can also create separate powers of attorney to nominate different people to make decisions in each area.

4. How should your dependent be provided for?

young woman outside holding a little girl on her back who has her arms outstretched like an airplane

When it comes to providing for your dependents financially, you have plenty of options! You can name your dependents as beneficiaries in your will, create a trust to split funds between dependents, or add your dependent as a secondary beneficiary of your life insurance.

However, remember that minors need a legal adult to serve as trustee over any money they inherit before turning 18. The trustee can be the same person you choose as their legal guardian or someone different, as long as it’s someone you trust to manage the inheritance.

What works for one family may not work for yours, so talk to your estate planning attorney to pick the right option for your family. They can also tell you how to nominate a trustee in your estate plan.

5. Do you have any specific requirements for your dependents or their guardian?

young boy hugging his grandparents as they smile at him

What requirements would you have for your minor dependents if something happened to you? Would you want your children to stay together in the same home? Do you want them to stay in the same area and attend the same school?

Think about the things that are non-negotiable for you and your family. Make sure to communicate with your chosen guardian about your wishes for your dependents. If some requirements are costly (e.g., if the guardian would need to move to a different area), consider setting aside extra funds to help cover that cost.

6. Does your dependent have any special needs?

woman smiling at a boy in a wheelchair on a beach

Children and adults with special needs or health concerns may require extra care. If this is the case for your dependent, make sure to consult with their potential guardian and make sure they’re up to the task – especially if your dependent with special needs will need care for the rest of their life.

Once you have guardianship sorted out, consider the costs of the care your dependent needs. One way to provide for their needs is to set up a special needs trust, which can help preserve your assets and ensure your dependent receives the care they need. Check with your estate planning attorney to learn about the requirements for special needs trusts and determine if this option is right for you.

7. How often should you update your estate plan?

person filling out a form by hand with a pen

As life changes, the needs of your family change, too, which means you’ll need to keep your estate plan up to date. Maybe you have a new significant other and want to nominate them as guardian now. Or maybe your financial situation changed and you want your assets distributed differently. In that case, you’ll need to talk to your attorney about updating your estate plan.

Additionally, life may change for your chosen guardian. They may get married, divorced, or have their own kids. Or, due to other changes, they may no longer feel able to care for your dependent. Every few years, or when a major change happens with your chosen guardian, check in with them and see if they still wish to be named as guardian.

Even if no major changes have happened in your life, you’ll still need to check your estate plan every few years to ensure everything matches your wishes.

As you make decisions about providing for your dependent, talk to your trusted friends, family members, and advisors about your choices. Everything is ultimately your decision, but don’t hesitate to ask for help or advice if needed. While making decisions about the future may seem daunting initially, once it’s done, you can rest easy knowing that a plan is in place to care for your dependents.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary, so only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

More Estate Planning Resources

Sep 05

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Craftsperson using a chisel and mallet to carve a headstone

What Should I Write on a Headstone?

By Courtney Cook Cemeteries, Explore Options, Planning Tools

A headstone or plaque doesn’t just mark someone’s final resting place. They also serve as symbols, reminders of the lost loved one, and ways to honor their memory. That’s why the epitaph, the words inscribed on a headstone, plaque, or memorial marker, is so important.

Epitaphs have a long history, but they have taken many forms over the years. They can be light-hearted and witty or inspirational and profound. All great epitaphs reflect the deceased’s spirit and put a unique, personalized touch on the marker. If you want to memorialize your loved one’s life in an interesting way or plan ahead for your own inscription, consider the following tips for creating a unique epitaph.

Brainstorm ideas

Person writing ideas for an epitaph in a notebook

To start, brainstorm a few ideas. Did your loved one have a signature saying? Was there a movie, book, or song that they loved? How would you describe their character and the life they lived? Write down anything that reminds you of your loved one to get your creativity flowing, even if you’re pretty sure you won’t use what you write.

Put yourself in your loved one’s shoes

Next, consider what your loved one would want on their epitaph. Would they prefer a light-hearted, humorous quote? Or one that moves people deeply and encourages them in daily life? Would they want their epitaph to talk about their personality, interests, hobbies, or role as a father, mother, or child? Look for options that would honor their preferences, priorities, and personality.

Consider your loved one’s principles, beliefs, and values

Plack that says "Known Unto God" surrounded by orange and yellow flowers

Was your loved one a person of faith? You may want to consider using their favorite Bible verse. Or was there a cause they were passionate about and dedicated their time to? Maybe you could mention that. You could also consider using a quote from a poem, song, or literary work. Whatever you choose, make sure it represents the individual’s life and what was most important to them.

Share their legacy

Alternatively, many epitaphs share a snapshot of the person’s legacy. You might see epitaphs like “Beloved wife, mother, and friend” or “He gave his life for his country.” These brief testaments highlight the impact the deceased made and can comfort those who come back year after year to visit the grave.

Keep it short

Craftsperson using a chisel and mallet to carve a headstone

The length of an epitaph will vary, but in most cases, it should be as compact as possible. Consider the amount of space you have available and the kind of material it will be inscribed on. Your funeral director or monument specialist can help answer your questions about your chosen monument or plaque. But in general, it’s best to keep the epitaph short.

Think big picture

The epitaph is an opportunity to communicate a message to people who will visit your loved one for years to come. For this reason, it’s important to decide on an epitaph that will stand the test of time. Consider something with a long-standing appeal and try to avoid fads or a cultural reference that may fade into obscurity as the years go by. The choice is ultimately up to you and your family, though!

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Headstone that says "In Loving Memory" on it

After you’ve settled on a few options you like, get feedback from other family members. Your family may have preferences about what goes on your loved one’s marker, so get their input before deciding on the epitaph. For example, if the epitaph is for a parent, ensure all your siblings are on board with the decision. Once everyone agrees, you’re ready to go!

As you consider what to put on your loved one’s grave, don’t be afraid to think outside the box! You could include their signature recipe or use a QR code that links to a memorial website. No matter what you choose, focus on picking something personalized that truly reflects your loved one’s life.

Aug 22

Love0

11 Mistakes to Avoid When Writing a Eulogy

By Courtney Cook Educational, Meaningful Funerals

The eulogy plays an important role in the funeral by highlighting the legacy the deceased left behind. It serves as a time of reflection and helps everyone grieve together. If you’ve been asked to write a eulogy at a funeral or memorial service, you may not know where to start, and that’s okay!

While every eulogy looks different and there isn’t a specific outline you need to follow, there are a few mistakes to avoid when putting together a eulogy.

1. Reading the obituary

The obituary and the eulogy may touch on similar topics, but they play very different roles. Instead of just reading the obituary at the service, use it as a starting point. Include some biographical information in the eulogy, but focus more on telling stories about the deceased and sharing memories.

2. Forgetting to confirm facts

One of the most important steps in writing a eulogy is confirming the facts you plan to share. You don’t want to say that the deceased grew up in New York if they actually grew up in Chicago! Double and triple-check your facts, and get someone else who knows the deceased well to review what you’ve written.

3. Preparing without feedback from others

When writing anything, getting a second (or third or fourth) opinion is always good! Share your eulogy with another person and get their feedback about how it sounds. They can let you know if any information needs to be corrected or if some wording sounds insensitive. Plus, they may be able to give you ideas of other stories you can add to better highlight the deceased’s life.

4. Neglecting to practice

woman rehearsing a eulogy in front of her mirror

Writing the eulogy is only the first step; how you deliver it is just as important as what you say. Before the service, make sure to practice giving your eulogy. You can read it in front of the mirror to practice making eye contact and looking up from your paper. It’s also a good idea to practice giving your speech to others to get their feedback on your delivery.

5. Making it too formal

While writing, remember that you’re working on a speech, not an essay. Eulogies should be casual and personal, not too formal. Read what you’ve written out loud and see how it sounds. Do you sound like you’re talking to your friends and family or giving a formal presentation? Keep your wording informal and avoid complicated or confusing words.

6. Listing facts instead of telling a story

peach and white flowers on a grave with a heart-shaped stone engraved with "In Memory"

Typically, eulogies are under 10 minutes long. That’s not a lot of time to sum up someone’s life! Instead of listing facts about the deceased, choose a few significant stories that show the kind of person they were. If your loved one was patient, do you have a specific memory that showcases their patience? If they went out of their way to make people comfortable, do you have an example you can share? Stories will always be more engaging to the audience than a list of facts.

7. Sharing embarrassing or private details

While stories about you or the deceased embarrassing yourselves may bring you comfort as you cherish your memories with them, a eulogy isn’t the place to share them. You also shouldn’t reveal things that were told to you in confidence or share awkward, personal, or inappropriate information about the deceased.

8. Getting too specific about the death

Man standing by a casket reading aloud from a book

Eulogies are meant to highlight the legacy someone left behind and the life they lived. While it’s okay to mention the deceased’s death, try to avoid going into too many details, as that could be a trigger for the grieving family. It’s especially important not to discuss details of a sudden or traumatic death, like those due to car accidents, suicide, or homicide.

9. Airing grievances

If you’ve been asked to give a eulogy for someone you didn’t get along with or who had a negative impact on your life, keep your grievances out of the eulogy. A funeral isn’t the place to announce that the deceased owes you money! While you don’t want to lie and say someone was a great person if they weren’t, look for positive aspects of the person you can focus on instead. And, if you find yourself unable to create a positive eulogy, consider declining to give the eulogy or ask someone to help you edit yours.

10. Using inappropriate humor

microphone and flowers at a funeral ready for a eulogy

Including jokes in a eulogy is perfectly fine, especially if the deceased had a great sense of humor and the jokes fit their personality. But be respectful and avoid jokes that insult the deceased or make light of the death or the family’s grief. Keep in mind that there may be children at the service, too. If you’re unsure about a joke, run it by a discerning family member first.

11. Taking focus away from the deceased

A great way to highlight a loved one’s legacy in a eulogy is to talk about your memories of the deceased. But while talking about your relationship with them, keep the focus firmly on the person who has died. Don’t make the eulogy all about yourself or drift into unrelated topics, especially controversial topics like politics or social issues.

As you put together the eulogy, don’t stress too much about trying to make it perfect. Get feedback from those around you and share the impact the deceased made on your life and the lives of everyone around them. As long as you are respectful and thoughtful, your friends and family will appreciate your words.

More Resources for Writing a Eulogy

Aug 15

Love0

7 Popular Sympathy Flowers and Their Meanings

By Courtney Cook Helping a Friend in Grief, Meaningful Funerals

When someone you know loses a loved one, how can you support them and share your condolences? Sympathy flowers are a great way to show support to a grieving family. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt tells us, symbols such as flowers convey love and help us express our emotions.

For centuries, people have assigned symbolic meanings to flowers. While the general message of a sympathy flower will be understood in any context, individual types of flowers can communicate slightly different meanings. For this reason, we’ve decided to explore the meanings of seven of the most popular types of funeral flowers.

1. Lilies

group of white lilies

This lovely flower usually blooms in summer and is often interpreted as a symbol of renewal and rebirth. The lily can be a powerful symbol of a loved one’s spirit, offering hope and encouragement to a grieving family.

The idea of rebirth and renewal is particularly applicable for people of faith who believe they’ll someday be reunited with their loved one. The white color of the lily also carries associations with purity and youth, making it a good choice for someone who died at a young age.

2. Roses

large blooming yellow rose next to three yellow buds

This enormously popular flower has very different meanings associated with different colors. Like the lily, white roses represent purity and innocence. Pink and peach roses represent sincerity and gratitude. You could give them to a family whose loved one was a blessing in your life. The yellow rose is a symbol of friendship that expresses your support. All these colors of roses make great sympathy gifts for a grieving family.

3. Carnations

White carnations on a table

The carnation is a symbol of love. Some people believe that the word “carnation” came from “incarnation,” the Latin word that refers to God in the flesh. With this in mind, you can give a carnation as a gift to a family to honor a life that reflected the spirit of Christ.

More generally, carnations can express love for the family or the loved one who has passed. And since the carnation is the traditional flower of Mother’s Day, it can be the perfect choice to honor the life of a person who was a great mother to her children.

4. Hyacinths

field of purple hyacinths

Much like roses, different colors of hyacinths have different meanings, but the purple hyacinth is a popular symbol of sorrow and regret. Sometimes, a simple acknowledgment of the family’s grief is enough. These beautiful flowers let the family know that you are aware of their suffering and that you care. They communicate the pain that you feel upon hearing of their loss, and this simple sentiment is often just what the family needs.

5. Chrysanthemums

Bright pink chrysanthemums

This gorgeous flower has a variety of meanings, but many people use it as an expression of support or encouragement to “get well soon.” In some European countries, the chrysanthemum is placed on graves and viewed as a symbol of death.

Fusing the more positive American associations with the European emphasis on mourning, we find a perfect balance between mourning and hope. A symbol of death but also support, a chrysanthemum can encourage the grieving family during this difficult time.

6. Gladioluses

light orange gladiolus flower

The gladiolus is a beautiful representation of strength and character. By giving a grieving family this flower, you essentially remind them of their loved one’s strength and encourage them to persevere on their grief journey.

As a sympathy gift, the gladiolus does not ignore the pain of loss and communicates your compassion. But it’s also an uplifting reminder of the grieving family’s and their loved one’s strength, which can encourage them as they adjust to their new normal.

7. Forget-Me-Nots

group of light blue forget-me-not flowers

The meaning of these tiny flowers is pretty easy to decipher. An emblem of remembrance, the forget-me-not communicates this simple but essential message to a family: your loved one lives on in our memories.

We tend to shy away from painful emotions, and for this reason, we often avoid the topic of a loved one’s death to spare the family additional discomfort. While this approach is well-intended, it’s often unhelpful. These lovely flowers let the family know you won’t forget their loved one and their impact on your life.

As you look at your options for sympathy flowers, think about ways to personalize your gift. You could opt for the deceased’s favorite flower or choose a classic flower in their favorite color. You can include a sympathy card or condolence letter with your gift. However you choose to share your condolences, let the family know that you’re there to support them while they’re grieving.

Aug 14

Love0

9 Ways Technology Can Help You Grieve

By Courtney Cook Grief/Loss, Technology and Grief

The technological developments of the 21st century have touched every aspect of our lives, including how we deal with loss and grief. The rise of social media, livestreaming, and other new technology has changed how we interact with each other, which has affected the way we navigate our grief journeys.

These advances in technology have the potential to aid us in the grieving process. As you navigate your new normal and work to understand your grief, here are a few ways technology can help.

1. Post Obituaries Online

person holding a smartphone

The days when obituaries were only printed in the newspaper are long gone. Most funeral homes now post obituaries on their websites, which makes it easier for friends and family who aren’t nearby to read the obituary, share condolences in an online guestbook, donate flowers, and more. These online obituaries make it easier to share service information with friends and family and have a place where your loved one’s memory will live on.

2. Announce the Loss

After a loss, it’s important to find a way to communicate the news of the death as efficiently as possible. Of course, those closest to the deceased, like family and close friends, should be told in person, but online obituaries and social media sites allow the information to go out to the deceased’s entire social network of friends. That keeps you from making the painful announcement multiple times to different groups of people. Once you are sure that everyone closest to the deceased has been informed in person or by phone, announce the loss on social media.

3. Receive Social Support

people holding their hands together to create a heart

Social media allows you to receive the support of loved ones both near and far. Friends can share caring words, condolences, and memories on social media. You can turn your loved one’s account into a memorial page, which mourners can return to from time to time to express their feelings and remember the impact your loved one had. This online support network can benefit you as you begin your grief journey.

4. Set Up a Memorial Website

You may wish to do more than a Facebook post to honor a loved one. If so, consider making a memorial webpage. Memorial websites allow you to create an online memorial that friends and family can access for years to come. These sites also enable you to write tributes, add photos, and post videos of remembrance, and they give your family and friends an online space to return to periodically for reflection. Just as we return to the gravestone with flowers in hand to spend a few moments remembering, so can we also return to a memorial page to reflect on the life of a loved one.

5. Watch a Service Online

person on a laptop with a video play button in front of them

While attending a service in person is always best, watching online is a great option for those who can’t leave home or live far away. Many more funeral homes offer livestreaming, and others may record the service so people can watch it later. If your family is interested in a way for friends and family to watch the funeral online, talk to your funeral director and see what options they have for you.

6. Raise Funds for Services

Need help paying for a service? You can use crowdfunding websites to create a campaign and raise money for a funeral. GoFundMe.com is a very popular way to raise funds for a service, or there are other websites, such as Funeral Fund, that are specifically tailored to funeral fundraising. These sites provide efficient ways to receive the financial support you or a loved one needs to craft a meaningful ceremony.

7. Create a Memorial Video

person typing on a laptop

Memorial videos are a great way to honor the life of a loved one and highlight their unique personality and legacy. You can create a video with photos of your loved one to use in a service or to include on a memorial webpage. Additionally, some funeral homes can make a video for you with images you provide, so check with your local funeral home to see if that’s a service they offer.

8. Add a QR Code to a Headstone

One new option for customizing a headstone is adding a QR code. If you have more you want to add to a headstone but don’t have the room, you can use a QR code to link to an online memorial or obituary. Friends and family members who visit the grave can scan the QR code and see photos, videos, and stories of their loved one. While this option does require you to create a code and a page for it to link to, it can be a great way to make a highly personalized marker to honor your loved one.

9. Use Digital Grief Resources

man attending online therapy on his laptop

In our digital age, receiving grief support is easier than ever! Many funeral homes offer digital aftercare services, which provide families with emails or texts to support them on their grief journeys. In addition, online grief therapy options provide a way for the grieving to receive ongoing support from the comfort of their own home. Check with your funeral director to learn more about the options available to you!

As technology continues to change, new resources become available to help people better understand their grief. While in-person contact will always be essential, technology can provide additional support, especially for those who are more isolated. As you begin your grief journey, consider how technology may benefit you and your family. Don’t be afraid to try something new!

Aug 12

Love0

Door in an old, vine-covered wall opening into a beautiful garden

Top 10 Poems for a Funeral Ceremony

By Courtney Cook Funeral Poems, Grief/Loss, Meaningful Funerals

Readings are a great way to enrich and personalize a funeral ceremony. As Dr. Wolfelt tells us, readings play an essential role in the service because they help us search for meaning in the loss, bring mourners together, and speak to “word people.”

Poems, in particular, can have a powerful impact at a funeral. Because poets put so much thought into a poem’s word choice, arrangement, and flow, they can address relatable themes in a compelling way. For this reason, we’ve compiled a list of ten great poems that can enhance a funeral ceremony. If you are thinking of including a poetry reading in memory of a loved one, consider using one of these profound poems at the funeral.

1. “Dear Lovely Death” by Langston Hughes

person placing their hand on a coffin with a bouquet of white flowers on top after reading a poem at the funeral

Famed Harlem Renaissance poet Langston Hughes was a master of economy, and “Dear Lovely Death” beautifully showcases his “less is more” approach. Hughes suggests that death does not destroy or eradicate but merely changes the nature of those it touches. When a loved one dies, our relationship with them changes from a physical relationship to one of memory. Hopeful but not naïve, this poem allows us to see the situation in a more comforting light without denying the reality of death.

2. “A Clear Midnight” by Walt Whitman

This short piece by Whitman turns conventional poetic imagery on its head. While many poems use midnight to evoke negative, frightening emotions, Whitman sees the night as a time of calm and peace. When applied to a funeral setting, the flight of the soul “into the wordless” can be viewed as a metaphor for death, providing comfort to mourners by depicting death as a place of peace and rest.

3. “Death is a Door” by Nancy Byrd Turner

Door in an old, vine-covered wall opening into a beautiful garden

Nancy Byrd Turner uses the metaphor of a door to portray death as a time of transition and change. She uses nature imagery to evoke a sense of peace and rest and implies that death gives birth to new life, though we can’t yet see what this new life looks like. Turner’s assertion that the “willing and weary feet” eagerly cross the threshold of death implies that whatever lies on the other side of the doorway of death is more encouraging than frightening.

4. “Requiem” by Robert Louis Stevenson

Robert Louis Stevenson, author of the famous novels Treasure Island and The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, also penned many poems. The short and simple “Requiem” is written from the perspective of the deceased, who is satisfied with the life that he lived. His contentment regarding the journey from life to death is comforting and encouraging. Families who feel that their loved one lived a full and wonderful life may consider using this poem at the funeral to remind themselves that their loved one is at peace.

5. “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost

Two paths in a field splitting in different directions with pine trees and mountains in the background

One of the most famous poems of all time, Robert Frost’s masterpiece is not strictly a “funeral poem.” While it isn’t specifically about death, it’s a beautiful tribute to a well-lived life. The closing lines, “I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference,” describe a person who broke the mold and embraced life to the fullest. If you are looking for a piece that celebrates the unique life of your loved one, consider reading this ode to the different paths we travel in life.

6. “Success” by Bessie Anderson Stanley*

Another poem that deals less with death and more than with celebrating life, this famous essay-turned-poem by Bessie Anderson Stanley analyzes the true meaning of success. True success isn’t found in shallow achievements like popularity or material wealth but in deep relationships with others and in leaving a positive impact on the world. A fitting tribute to the life of a loved one who understood the true value of life, this classic poem will encourage those at the funeral to reflect on the meaningful life of the deceased.

7. “When Great Trees Fall” by Maya Angelou

Close up of a tall tree trunk with branches and green leaves spreading overhead

This extraordinary work by the late Maya Angelou emphasizes the ripple effect created by a great person’s death. Angelou suggests that the deep hurt that we feel when losing a loved one is a testament to the brilliance of that individual’s life. While grief may hurt, we can find comfort by remembering that our loved one made a difference and positively impacted the lives of others. And eventually, we can find hope and peace as we let our memories of the deceased motivate and change us.

8. “Death, Be Not Proud” by John Donne

Perhaps the most famous poem to address mortality, John Donne’s 17th-century classic refutes the permanence of death. Donne challenges death by comparing it to rest and sleep, arguing that both states are temporary. The poem’s ending suggests that hope can be found in life after death, making it a great choice for religious ceremonies. While we must acknowledge that death is real and it’s okay to grieve, those who are religious can find comfort in remembering that death is not the end of the story.

9. “If I Can Stop One Heart from Breaking” by Emily Dickinson

Person holding a small heart in their hands

What makes a life truly meaningful? This short Emily Dickinson poem shows how caring for others and sharing small acts of kindness are enough to leave a beautiful legacy. A person need not have his or her good deeds recognized as grand accomplishments to live a great life. Instead, we can create a full and meaningful life by spreading love however we can. Dickinson’s heartfelt poem is an excellent choice for the funeral of a loved one who dedicated their life to helping others.

10. Psalm 23, a Psalm of David, The Book of Psalms (KJV)

The most famous of all the psalms speaks directly to our desire for peace for ourselves and our loved ones. Psalm 23 is perfect for a funeral ceremony because it applies to both the mourners and the deceased. The “valley of the shadow of death” can refer to those who are making the transition from life to death and to those who are trying to face life after losing a loved one. For religious ceremonies, Psalm 23 can serve as a beautiful testament to God’s ability to bring comfort and peace to his children in dark times.

As you look for possible poems to read at your loved one’s funeral, you can also consider writing one yourself! Whether you read your own poem, choose one from this list, or use a different one, we hope you find the perfect poem to reflect your loved one’s life.

*”Success” is often incorrectly attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, usually with the inclusion of the famous line: “To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”