Words are powerful. They can hurt or heal, comfort or discourage, build up or tear down. When someone we know is grieving, we want to support them and find words to comfort them. But sometimes, we say well-meaning things that hurt more than they help.
We have a responsibility to guard our words, especially when someone is emotionally vulnerable, like after the death of a loved one. While there are plenty of things you can say that do offer comfort, try to avoid these six phrases when speaking to a friend or loved one who has lost someone close to them (regardless of whether the loss was recent or further in the past).
“I know how you feel.”
While you may have experienced grief before or even a similar loss, everyone’s grief experience is different. The temptation here is to engage in “troubles talk” to find common ground with the person and, in a way, share the burden of the loss and help them feel less alone. But this comment assumes that you know the complex emotions of the bereaved and that you have felt each one exactly as they do, which can’t be true.
Rather than hearing your desire to show how much you understand, the bereaved person hears: “I don’t want to understand your specific situation” or “I want to talk about myself.” Every person feels, processes, and heals differently, and it would be folly to assume you know how someone is feeling.
Instead, create space for your friend to share what they feel. Simply and sincerely ask, “How are you doing?” If you have experienced a similar loss, you might say, “I know every loss is different in its own way, but something that helped me when I lost my mom was (insert helpful suggestion here).”
“You’re so strong.”
After losing a loved one, many people who are grieving feel pressured to appear like they’re doing okay. Life goes on, even after losing a loved one, and those who are grieving feel the need to put on a brave face. While you may intend “You’re so strong” as a compliment, you may contribute to this pressure. You might make the grieving person feel like they can’t be vulnerable because you expect them to keep being strong. They may interpret your statement as a prohibition on showing emotion – or as judgment for not showing emotion.
No matter how “put together” a person looks on the outside, on the inside, they may be experiencing incredible pain. A comment about their strength can take away their option to express any genuine emotions to you or make them feel guilty for not showing emotions.
Instead, consider asking how they’re honestly doing or saying, “It’s okay to cry.” While it may invite a more honest response, and you should be ready with your emotional support, you can be someone they feel safe letting down their guard with.
“Sometimes we just don’t understand the will of God,” or “God must have needed another angel in heaven.”
These phrases and many similar ones are often used in Christian religious circles with the intent to reassure someone that death isn’t meaningless. But whether by intention or not, these words essentially blame God for the death of a loved one.
While it is true that we may not fully understand the will of God, these platitudes are not helpful because they contradict the Christian belief in a loving God whose original creation did not include death. In the story of Adam and Eve, death only entered the world after the fall of man and was not in God’s original design.
Instead of using these phrases, you can offer to pray with the grieving person. Or consider sharing your sympathies by saying, “I’ve been thinking about you so much,” or “You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers.”
“She’s/he’s in a better place.”
When someone is grieving the loss of a loved one, they don’t always want them to be in a “better place.” They want them to be here, now, with them. In time, it may be a comfort to think of a loved one in heaven. Or if a loved one was sick for a long time, this phrase could be comforting, a reminder that the person is no longer in pain.
But amid deep sorrow or after an unexpected death, it’s difficult to find comfort or healing in this phrase. These words could come across as dismissive of someone’s grief or make them feel guilty for wishing their loved one was still with them. Instead, simply be there for your grieving friend, and consider asking them questions about the loved one they’ve lost so they can hold their cherished memories close.
“If there’s anything I can do for you, just call me.”
While your offer to help may be entirely sincere, note that the grieving person will likely not call you. Asking for help can be difficult for anyone, and it’s even more challenging for those who are grieving. They may not want to be an inconvenience, or they may feel like they would have to fake being okay if you came to help. Or they might assume that you’re just saying that you’ll help because you feel obligated to.
Instead, take the initiative and offer specific ways you can help. Say, “I want to take you to lunch next week. What time should I pick you up?” or “I’ll watch the kids for you tonight so you can take time for self-care.” Organize a meal train or ask them what day you can drop off dinners for the week. Or call them every week or so just to check in. When you are intentional, they will feel your love and support and know you genuinely want to help them.
“It’s been a while since she/he died. Isn’t it time to move on?”
Grief has no expiration date. While grief may change over time, it doesn’t go away completely. This insensitive statement can invalidate someone’s feelings of grief and make them feel like you don’t care about their emotions and struggles. Instead, allow your loved one the time they need to grieve and put no expectations on them.
If your grieving friend or family member seems to be struggling a lot even after much time has passed, you can lovingly suggest a grief counselor or grief support group, but don’t push them. Don’t try to fix their pain. Loving them through their grief will help them along the path to healing much more smoothly than your impatience.
As you speak with a grieving person, think before you say anything. You can’t always control how your friend interprets what you say. But by thinking carefully and being sensitive to your loved one’s pain, you can show them that you care about them and want to help.
To learn six more things you should never say to a grieving person, click here. Also, if you’d like tips on what you SHOULD say, take a moment to read “What Should I Say to Someone Who is Grieving?“
