Seasonal Archives - Funeral Basics

Jan 20

How to Cope with Grief on Valentine’s Day

By Courtney Cook Exclude from Top Posts, Seasonal

Valentine’s Day can be a challenging time for those who are grieving, especially those who have lost a spouse or significant other. You may find that Valentine’s Day triggers your grief or reminds you more strongly of your loss.

But Valentine’s Day can also be a special time of remembrance, an opportunity to reflect on the love you shared and to find comfort in memories. With a little planning, you can find avenues for healing during this time. Here are a few ideas to help you cope with your loss on Valentine’s Day:

Take Time to Honor and Remember the Person You Love

While you may be tempted to block out your memories and ignore your grief, taking time to think about your loved one can be a great way to honor their memory this Valentine’s Day. Reflecting on the past can be a healthy way to cope with the holiday.

Do something special in memory of your loved one and celebrate their life and the time you had together. You may want to look through photographs, listen to their favorite song, or watch their favorite movie. This would also be a good opportunity to visit the graveside and bring a fresh bouquet of flowers. No matter what you choose to do, find what you feel comfortable with and embrace your loved one’s memory.

Have Some Quiet Time

woman enjoying time by herself outside

The hustle and bustle of Valentine’s Day can be emotionally draining when you’re grieving, so don’t be afraid to take some time away by yourself! Breathe deeply and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel.

You can also look for healthy ways to express your emotions. Allow yourself to cry, write in a grief journal, or do something creative, like painting or drawing. Maybe you could try coloring or spend some time in meditation. You could even list everything you are grateful for experiencing with your loved one or record yourself talking about your favorite memories.

No matter what you do, allow yourself to take time away from everything if you need it and let yourself grieve in a way that works for you. Find ways to reinvent the holiday to help it fit your needs as you grieve.

Spend Time with Loved Ones

multigenerational family playing soccer together

While it’s good to spend some time in solitude and reflection, it is also important to find a healthy balance. Many people who are grieving, especially those who have lost a spouse, can feel lonely on Valentine’s Day. Look for opportunities to socialize with people who support and care about you. Go out to dinner or prepare a meal together. Meals are communal experiences, opportunities to show love and support. You might even enjoy a favorite comedic film or television show together.

Numerous studies have shown that laughter plays an important role in lowering stress, improving mood, strengthening relationships, and contributing to overall health. By taking time to laugh with people you love, you take a healing step, and the stress of the holiday becomes a little easier to handle. Remember that couples aren’t the only people who can celebrate and have fun on Valentine’s Day.

Talk About How You’re Feeling

young woman comforting a young man

Your friends and family care. Don’t be afraid that you’ll “bring them down” if you talk honestly about the sadness you’re experiencing during a typically “happy” time of year. If you need time to get something off your chest, this is perfectly acceptable. You shouldn’t feel guilty for taking time to express your grief around others.

Too often, our culture encourages us to stifle sad emotions and to put on a happy face. This can make those who grieve feel guilty or ashamed for not being able to pretend to be happy all the time. Reject this irrational guilt, stay in the presence of people who care about you, and confide in them. Let them support you. If your friends and family are unable to support you at this time, join a support group or find a counselor to talk to.

Treat Yourself

bouquet of valentine's day flowers

If you don’t have someone to bring you flowers and candy on Valentine’s Day, why not treat yourself to something special? Get a massage, choose a beautiful bouquet to brighten your home, or pick out your favorite chocolates or dessert. Valentine’s Day is a day to spoil yourself and enjoy a little self-care, especially if you are missing someone special.

Valentine’s Day will never be the same without your loved one, and it’s okay, even healthy, to experience sadness at this thought. But by planning ahead in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, you can prepare yourself for the holiday and find peace of mind amid a dizzying array of hearts, cards, and candy.

Nov 19

Love0

8 Christmas Keepsake Crafts to Honor a Loved One’s Memory

By christy.kessler Christmas, Grief/Loss

Person holding homemade heart plush in hands

During the holidays, feelings of grief may feel even closer to the surface. Even if it’s been years since the death occurred, the family togetherness of the holidays can bring out fresh emotions. And that’s okay. It’s completely normal to feel this way and to miss someone who’s no longer here.

To help you turn your grief into healing action, consider creating a keepsake craft that will honor your loved one’s memory and bring a little comfort to your own heart. And when appropriate, don’t be afraid to invite the kids or grandkids into the process!

8 Christmas Keepsake Crafts to Honor a Loved One’s Memory

Some of these crafts are harder than others, so either choose one that fits your craft level or be prepared to learn a new skill. You can do it!

1. Commemorative Candle

Making commemorative candle at home with special scents and added lavender

With commemorative candles, you could purchase a candle in your loved one’s favorite scent or color. To personalize it a bit more, you could write their name on the candle with glitter pens or gemstones. Alternatively, you could get a white candle and create a candle wreath of their favorite flowers or make your own candle with special scents and add-ins. Or, if you just don’t trust your crafting abilities, you could go online to Etsy or a similar site and choose a memorial candle there.

2. Memorial Ornament

Making fabric Christmas ornaments from felt

If you’d rather create a memorial ornament for the tree, there are so many websites out there with instructions on how to create the perfect one – with levels from beginner to advanced. You could get a picture frame ornament and have your loved one’s name engraved on it. If they particularly loved reindeer or elves, you could put together an ornament based on these themes. You could also create a quilted ornament using fabrics with meaningful imagery. The possibilities are vast; all you have to do is select the one that appeals to you personally.

3. Decorative Wreath

Woman decorating wreath at home with ribbon

For those who love beautiful wreaths, creating a memorial wreath may be a good option. You could display it in your home or place it at a loved one’s final resting place. The design is entirely up to you, but you could use seasonal flowers, photos, miniature items to represent your loved one’s favorite things, or even add a few of their preferred Christmas candies. Alternatively, you could create an ornament wreath, using their favorite ornaments to fill in the wreath. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to personalizing the wreath. Here’s a tutorial to get you started.

4. Christmas Stocking

Three red and white Christmas stockings hanging from a mantel

Christmas stockings are a staple in many homes during the holiday season, and they are usually displayed in a prominent place in the home. If you’d like to keep your loved one’s memory near the forefront, you might consider sewing a memorial stocking. You can personalize the design and add their name to it. Then, when it’s placed with the other stockings, you will have a comforting, visual reminder of the person you love. You can even encourage family members to write down memories and slip them into the stocking over the holiday season.

5. Personalized Pillow Cover

Red and white pillow sitting gifts and a Christmas display

Even though they may not seem like it, pillow covers are easier to make than you might think. The biggest question is – what fabric will you use? And do you want it to say anything? You could have your loved one’s picture printed on fabric to use on the pillow. Or you could monogram a quote from their favorite Christmas movie. To make it even more personal, you could use articles of your loved one’s clothing to design the pillow cover. All of these options will create a sweet keepsake you can cherish for Christmases to come.

6. Memory Chain Garland

Person making a garland with Christmas trees and stars

Perhaps the easiest craft option on the list is to create a memory garland to lay on your mantle or wrap around a staircase or doorway. All you need is paper, scissors, tape/stapler, possibly string, and a few people to help. As you put together each piece of the paper chain, write down special memories of your loved one or things about them that you are missing this holiday season. As you talk together and reminisce, you may find that the ache in your heart lessens as you take time to share special moments and remember your loved one’s life.

7. Memory Table Runner

Four Christmas table runners sitting on table with ornaments

Do you enjoy decorating with table runners? Then this keepsake craft may work well for you. The design portion is entirely up to you. Maybe you want to keep the holiday theme but add some fabric photos of your loved one on Christmases past. Or you could add other personalized elements, like a border in their favorite color. Remember to draw out your design first, so you get a visual of what it will look like. And if you’d like to include the family in the final product, leave space for people to write down favorite Christmas memories with fabric pens.

8. Memorial Stuffed Animals

Knit white bear with red scarf and pulling sled with Christmas tree

If there are children or grandchildren in your life, you could sew or knit memorial stuffed animals as a gift. You can include a small tag on the animal with a special message from the person who has died, like “I love you” or “I miss your hugs.” You could also use a lost loved one’s clothing or leftover yarn as the chosen fabric for memorial animals. In this way, there is an added element of personalization to the gift. When the child is really missing your loved one, they can squeeze the animal and find comfort. And as they grow older, it will continue to be a cherished reminder of both you and the person who has died.

If none of these Christmas keepsake craft ideas appeal to you, not to worry! This list is far from comprehensive. Just do a quick search online, and you will find a treasure trove of options to consider. But no matter what craft idea you decide to go with, may creating something to honor your loved one’s memory soothe your heart and comfort your soul this holiday season.

Nov 19

Love0

Lit red candle sitting in window in remembrance of a loved one

12 Days of Christmas Remembrance Activities

By christy.kessler Christmas, Grief/Loss

While traditionally the 12 Days of Christmas start on December 25 and end on January 5 (the day before Epiphany), the timeframe has been culturally adapted over the years to occur earlier in the month or even later into January. So, for the purposes of this Christmas remembrance activities list, whatever 12 days you want to consider your 12 Days of Christmas is up to you.

Bearded grandfather sitting with grandkids, looking at pictures and telling stories

The point of this exercise is to give you an easy list of remembrance activities that you can use to honor and remember a loved one this holiday season. It’s okay to miss them, and it’s good to find a way to keep their memory alive for remaining family and friends. Acts of remembrance bring comfort, healing, and a closeness you may be seeking at Christmas. So, here’s a 12 Days of Christmas Remembrance Activities list you could use with your family this season.

1st Day of Christmas: Put Up a Memory Stocking

Three knit stockings hanging on the mantel with wreath garland

On the first day of Christmas, consider putting up a memory stocking. Either put up the stocking your loved one always used or a special one. Throughout the holiday season, your family can write down memories or thoughts or draw pictures and place them in the stocking. Then, perhaps near the end of your 12 days, you can all sit down together, read the notes, and remember your loved one together.

2nd Day of Christmas: Light a Candle

Lit red candle sitting in window in remembrance of a loved one

For a long time, candles have been a symbol of remembrance. Keeping the light burning throughout the holiday season signifies that the memory of a loved one still shines bright. You could select a special candle and light it each day. Alternatively, especially if you have kids in the house, you could purchase an electric candle that you can leave lit all the time. Either way, each time you see the candle, you’ll be reminded of your loved one and the special place they have in your heart.

3rd Day of Christmas: Bake Your Loved One’s Holiday Favorites

Father baking Christmas cookies with his two young daughters, happy and having fun

Christmas comes with the comfort of so many delicious and familiar smells wafting from the kitchen. To bring your loved one’s memory into the festivities, consider adding their favorite foods and desserts to your menu. Whether it’s the family-famous cinnamon shortbread cookies or the green bean casserole with extra onions, it will feel good to include their favorites in the holiday preparations. And if you cry a little bit, that’s okay. It’s good to find positive ways to balance grief and joy during the holiday season.

4th Day of Christmas: Watch Your Loved One’s Favorite Christmas Movie

Mother sitting on couch, watching a Christmas movie with her young children

Watching Christmas movies is a time-honored tradition for so many families. There’s something oddly comforting about the tradition of bringing out the movie favorites each year. If this is true for your family, consider setting aside an evening to watch your loved one’s preferred Christmas movie. Make an evening of it, complete with popcorn, snacks, and a cozy blanket to snuggle up under. You could even bring out a photo of your loved one, so they can “watch” the movie with you.

5th Day of Christmas: Attend a Remembrance Service

Three white remembrance candles against the backdrop of a church's stained glass window

It’s fairly common for churches and funeral homes to host remembrance events around the holidays. They are very much aware of the need to remember those loved and lost. Because of that, you should be able to find a remembrance event happening in your town or a neighboring one. If you’d like to attend, consider taking the whole family or inviting close friends. There’s something comforting about sharing a loved one’s memory with others. And if there are no remembrance events in your town, invite people over to your home for a remembrance dinner instead!

6th Day of Christmas: Create a Remembrance Ornament

Red, cross-stitched heart ornament

A remembrance ornament is a great way to honor a loved one’s life. You can pull it out each year as a continual reminder of the love shared between you. If you like to keep it simple, choose an ornament at the store that reminds you of that special person. Alternatively, you could use papier-mâché, wood, fabric, or other materials to create your own. You could also use buttons, glitter, beads, sand, seashells, rocks, or seeds to create a unique design. The possibilities are numerous.

7th Day of Christmas: Listen to Your Loved One’s Christmas Playlist

Family dancing to Christmas playlist, enjoying time together

Music is a big part of the holidays. From the classics like “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” to more contemporary options like Kelly Clarkson’s “Underneath the Tree,” there are so many melodies that may bring back memories. To honor your loved one’s memory, put together a short playlist of their favorites and blast it around the house. Not only will the music touch your heart, but it will also help you add meaning to the holidays.

8th Day of Christmas: Volunteer at Your Loved One’s Favorite Charity

Three people volunteering outdoors and planting trees and bushes

At Christmastime, many people focus on giving back to the community and helping others. If your loved one had a favorite charity, you could volunteer on their behalf or give a memorial donation. Alternatively, you could sign up for a 5k benefiting a local organization, spend time at the animal shelter, or deliver meals to homebound seniors. Whatever seems the best way to honor your loved one’s memory, do that and remember them.

9th Day of Christmas: Visit Your Loved One’s Final Resting Place

Person visiting a loved one's final resting place and leaving red roses as a token of their love

Another remembrance activity to consider is visiting your loved one’s grave. You can bring a wreath, a poinsettia, notes, or other meaningful items to leave behind as a token of your love. And if your loved one was not laid to rest in a cemetery, visit the place where their ashes were released or a place that is particularly meaningful to you. It doesn’t really matter where you go, so long as it’s a place where you feel a sense of closeness and kinship to the person who has died.

10th Day of Christmas: Bring Out the Family Photos

Group of family photos at Christmas

As visual beings, we often associate memories with images and items. Sit down and scroll through your social media history or bring out the photobooks. Talk about the stories behind the photos. As you reminisce, you will feel closer to your loved one and can honor different aspects of their personality. Were they the prankster on family trips? Did they always have 15 books when the trip was only 3 days long? Lean into the details and remember the uniqueness of who they were.

11th Day of Christmas: Wear a Christmas Sweater They Loved

Young woman sitting on couch at home, wearing an ugly Christmas sweater and working on her laptop

Was there a particular Christmas clothing item that your loved one just adored? Maybe it was that ridiculous llama sweater with festive lights or the socks with the cat’s face printed on them, complete with a Santa hat. Whether the clothing item belonged to them or you, consider taking it out of the closet and wearing it in their memory. It could be anything – shirt, pants, socks, earrings, whatever. And if you can’t think of a particular item, buy something you know would tickle their funny bone and think of them when you wear it.

12th Day of Christmas: Write Your Loved One a Letter

Man in sweater sitting at table, writing a letter and softly smiling

For the final healing activity, take a few minutes to look inward. Sit down in a quiet place and write your special person a letter. Let them know that you miss them. Tell them how the holidays have been going, what the kids or grandkids are up to, or what holiday activities you’ve done so far. During the grief journey, expressing your emotions and sharing what’s on your heart is so beneficial to helping you find the balance between grief and joy.

Now, this Christmas remembrance activities list is not set in stone. Feel free to switch around the days or add in your own ideas. This is merely a framework with some suggested activities to get you started. Personalize the 12 Days of Christmas Remembrance Activities to your family’s preferences and needs and create truly sweet moments this holiday season. May you find hope, peace, and joy as you honor and remember your lost loved one and keep their memory alive.

Nov 01

Love0

7 Ways to Decrease Thanksgiving Stress When You’re Grieving

By christy.kessler Exclude from Top Posts, Grief/Loss, Seasonal, Thanksgiving

Grief can be exhausting – mentally, physically, and emotionally. And holidays like Thanksgiving bring their share of stresses, especially during times of grief when it’s a battle to do the normal everyday tasks. So, what can you do this Thanksgiving to decrease your stress while you’re in a season of grief?

Before we move into 7 ways to decrease your stress, remember that whatever you’re feeling is normal. You’ve lost someone you love, and it’s hard. You may feel a wide range of emotions, including sadness, shock, denial, guilt, anger, or even relief. All you need to focus on is taking care of yourself this Thanksgiving so that you have the energy you need to process what you’re feeling and move toward healing.

7 Ways to Decrease Thanksgiving Stress

Your feelings may tell you to skip Thanksgiving altogether, but before you make any big decisions, take some time to evaluate what changes you can make to reduce your stress while also participating in group or family activities.

Here are a few tips for reducing your Thanksgiving stress:

1. Simplify the Day

Store-bought pumpkin pie with a slice missing

You may normally go big with your Thanksgiving meal and decorations, but this year, give yourself permission to take it easy. With a few adjustments, you can take a task or event from stressful to simple. For example, you could do a potluck so that the cooking is spread out amongst the group. Or you could order a ready-made dinner with all the trimmings from a local restaurant. You could also minimize the home or table decorations and opt for store-bought desserts this year. With just a few small tweaks, you can greatly decrease your to-do list and your stress.

2. Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”

Grandmother and granddaughter in the kitchen; grandmother holding platter with turkey and smiling as granddaughter kisses her cheek

Thanksgiving and the fall season come with many possible events, get-togethers, recitals, concerts, family gatherings, and more. You may not have the energy to go to everything, and that’s okay. Choose the most important events and pass on the rest.

As you prioritize events, make sure to talk to your family about your plans so they know when to expect you and when not to. This way, they can let you know what’s important for them – maybe a child’s recital – and you can plan ahead for the events you will attend. Plus, communicating your plans to family and taking their requests into account will help soothe any ruffled feathers and keep things relaxed.

3. Let Others Help You

Person in yellow coat raking fall leaves

If you’re like many of us, you learned early that it’s good to be independent and self-reliant. And while these two things are not inherently bad, we can sometimes take them a little too far, refusing help when we actually need it. So, this Thanksgiving, don’t be afraid to accept a little help. Let people support you through this time of grief. Accept casseroles, offers to do yardwork or run errands, and assistance with household chores. It will only make things less stressful and easier for you.

4. Take Time Out for Yourself

Woman in yellow sweater holding mug of pumpkin spice latte

Grief takes a toll on us, and it’s important to find ways to take care of ourselves. That means getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, pampering yourself every so often, and not overdoing it. At Thanksgiving, self-care may be splurging on your current pumpkin spice obsession, going for walks in the cool air, or simply spending quiet time alone to journal, meditate, listen to music, or cuddle with your pet. No matter what it is that helps you relax and feel cared for, take time to do that this Thanksgiving.

5. Share What’s On Your Mind

Two mature ladies walking outside and talking in the fall

You may be tempted to push down your feelings and power through Thanksgiving week, but try to resist the temptation. Instead, build in opportunities for reflection and make time to express yourself. This could mean painting, talking with friends or family, or attending a grief support group or a remembrance service. There will be times when your grief shows up unexpectedly, and that’s okay. People will understand if you’re teary. But by intentionally taking time to address your emotions, you can better process what you’re feeling in your own time and on your own terms.

6. Find Meaningful Ways to Honor Your Loved One

Simple place setting for a Thanksgiving table

This Thanksgiving, you’re missing someone special. Rather than ignoring their absence, consider finding a special way to honor their memory. Avoiding the elephant in the room – your grief and loss – may lead to feelings of stress. By openly honoring a loved one, you will have the freedom to include your loved one’s memory in the festivities without reservation.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Save a seat for them at the table
Create a remembrance item
Serve their favorite dish
Pull out the family photos and reminisce
Visit the graveside and leave a bouquet or memento
Continue one of their favorite traditions or incorporate a new one in their honor

While remembering your loved one may bring moments of sadness, there will be joy in finding ways to make them a special part of the day.

7. Allow Things to Be Different This Year

If you’re someone who wants everything just-so, one big way to reduce your Thanksgiving stress is to let things be different this year. Let go of the need for a perfectly decorated dining table, perfectly curated activities, or the perfectly prepared meal. Give yourself a little grace and some room to breathe. Thanksgiving is different this year; it’s harder. Do what you can to keep things simple.

Simple Thanksgiving meal of biscuits, green beans, and turkey with cranberry sauce

Now, it’s important to acknowledge that no two people are alike. Some of these suggestions will resonate with you and some won’t. That’s just fine. If having the perfectly trimmed Thanksgiving dinner helps you relax, then go all out. If baking those 15 pies provides a release of tension, do it. You know yourself best, so implement the ideas that work best for who you are.

Just remember – it’s okay to let yourself feel however you feel this Thanksgiving. You don’t have to force yourself to be cheerful, and you don’t have to stop yourself from feeling happy if you enjoy the day. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love or miss the person who is gone; it means that you are human. We are complex beings, and our lives are filled with moments of joy mixed with moments of grief, sometimes both at once! Take time on Thanksgiving to step back, take care of yourself, and enjoy time with the people you love the most. If you do, you will create sweet memories to cherish in the years to come.

Jun 01

Love0

Quill pen and ink bottle next to a stack of handwritten letters

Ladies of Liberty: Remembering Mercy Otis Warren

By Courtney Cook Exclude from Top Posts, Seasonal

“The British were indeed very far superior to the Americans in every respect necessary to military operations, except the revivified courage and resolution, the result of sudden success after despair.”
– Mercy Otis Warren

As we mark the Fourth of July and the independence brought about after the Revolutionary War, it’s impossible not to remember the historical men and women who played key roles in the creation of our nation. Men like George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson are easily remembered, but what about the women – the ladies of liberty – who also deserve our remembrance and respect? Today, let’s talk about Mercy Otis Warren and how she influenced the American Revolution with her mightiest weapon – a pen!

Biography

Early years

Born in Barnstable, Massachusetts, on September 14, 1728, Mercy Otis Warren was the third of James and Mary Allyne Otis’s thirteen children. Like many women at the time, Mercy didn’t receive a formal education, but she learned much about history and politics from her father, her uncle, and her older brother, James Otis Jr., who helped her build her passion for writing.

In 1754, Mercy married James Warren, a friend of her brother and a politically active patriot, and the two had five children together. Thanks to her husband’s position and commitment to the colonies’ cause, their house became the center for much of the political action at the time, and the two often hosted groups of Patriots in their home. In fact, she and her husband were friends with John and Abigail Adams, who supported and encouraged their efforts to aid the Revolution, and the two couples often exchanged letters.

Early Influence on the Revolution

As unrest began to build in the colonies, Mercy was determined to build support for the Patriot cause. While she could not become involved in politics as a woman, she did have one powerful skill she could use to influence others: writing. Starting in 1772, Mercy wrote and anonymously published multiple satirical plays and dramas that criticized Britain’s policies and their Loyalist support.

After the Boston Tea Party in December of 1773, John Adams wrote a letter to James, Mercy’s husband, that asked for Mercy to write about the event. Mercy did, writing a poem titled “The Squabble of the Sea Nymphs; or the Sacrifice of the Tuscararoes,” which the Boston Gazette published on their front page. Her works helped fuel support for the Patriots’ cause and brought the nation closer to the fight for independence.

Writing the History of a New Nation

While Mercy’s early writings shaped the course of the Revolution, the works she wrote after the Revolution made an even bigger impact. Mercy was unafraid to stand by her political beliefs and examine the actions of even the most powerful politicians despite some of the backlash she received. After the drafting of the Constitution in 1787, Mercy wrote a pamphlet denouncing the Constitution, pointing out that it moved power away from the people without protecting their rights – an argument that encouraged Congress to add the Bill of Rights in 1789.

Additionally, her most famous work is History of the Rise, Progress, and Termination of the American Revolution, a detailed historical account of the Revolution she lived through. Within its pages, Mercy provides a detailed picture of the events of the Revolution, along with her own commentary. Unlike many of her contemporaries, she argued against slavery, stating that the practice was contrary to American principles. While the collection was not popular when published in 1805, Mercy’s account is valued by historians as one of the earliest accounts of the Revolution, with many significant insights about the historical figures of the time.

Mercy continued writing for many years until her death in 1814. She was buried next to her husband at Burial Hill Cemetery in Plymouth, Massachusetts.

Key Contributions

At a time when women were discouraged from formal education and politics, Mercy became a powerful force in both realms. Her writings paved the way for the Revolution and created a space for women’s voices and opinions. In addition, she passionately supported many causes, including the rights of the people, education for women, and the abolition of slavery.

From her plays to her historical accounts, Mercy left her mark on the Revolution and shared her unique perspective on the events she experienced firsthand.

Interesting Facts

Hosted political meetings at her home
A close friend of many Patriot leaders, including John and Abigail Adams
Wrote three satirical plays criticizing British policies: The Adulator (1772), Defeat (1773), and The Group (1775)
Wrote History of the Rise, Progress, and Termination of the American Revolution (1805), one of the first accounts of the Revolution
The first female historian in the United States
A statue of Mercy stands outside of the Barnstable County Courthouse in Massachusetts

The Importance of Legacy and Remembrance

As you can see, Mercy Otis Warren lived an extraordinary life and used her words to help shape our nation during a difficult time. She was a patriot. An intellectual. A wife and mother. A brilliant writer. A feminist. A historian. She left a clear legacy, both to her children and to the fledgling nation she helped found.

As we remember Mercy Otis Warren and the events that made her life both ordinary and extraordinary, take a moment to think about your own life. Are you leaving a legacy that you and your family can be proud of? Have you shared what’s most important with those you care about?

With our legacies, we contribute to the future. What we do matters. While most of us will never be famous or well-known, that’s not the point of a legacy. Instead, think of legacy as your opportunity to take your family and the next generation to a level you can only imagine. Just like Mercy did!

Apr 18

Love0

11 Ways to Remember Your Mom on Mother’s Day

By Courtney Cook Grief/Loss, Seasonal

After losing a loved one, some days are harder than others. Your grief may feel stronger on special days like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or their deathiversary. If you’ve lost your mom, Mother’s Day might be a grief trigger for you.

If Mother’s Day is hard for you, you may prefer to skip it altogether. But even though your mom is no longer with you, you can still honor and remember her on this special day. Here are 11 ways you can honor your mom this Mother’s Day:

Do her favorite activity

close up of a person painting on a canvas

Activities provide a way for us to express our grief and physically process our emotions. Did your mom enjoy baking, painting, puzzles, or gardening? You can spend some time on Mother’s Day participating in your mom’s favorite activity.

While you may not master the violin or draw a masterpiece, doing something your mom loved can help her feel a little bit closer on a hard day. Alternatively, you could do something you always did together, like having a spa day or visiting a specific restaurant.

Visit her final resting place

man visiting his mom's grave on Mother's Day

While visiting a loved one’s grave may feel intimidating, it can help you in your grief journey. When you go to your mom’s final resting place, whether at her gravesite or urn niche, you set aside time to grieve and remember her. You can talk to her, bring flowers, or simply sit and reflect. If your mom doesn’t have a final resting place, you could visit a spot that was meaningful to the two of you.

Plant or buy her favorite flowers

woman kneeling in a garden and planting flowers

Because Mother’s Day is in the spring, it’s the perfect time for gardening. If your mom had a specific flower she loved, you can take a little time to plant some in your garden. Not only will you be able to enjoy the flowers all season, but their smell can also remind you of positive memories of your mother.

If you’re not big on gardening or don’t have a lot of space, you can also buy some of your mom’s favorite flowers to enjoy. Additionally, if you’re not sure what your mom’s favorite flower was, you can always get other meaningful flowers, like the flowers she wore at your wedding or a flower that reminds you of her.

Write her a letter

Woman writing a letter to her mom in a journal

Often, when someone we love dies, there are things we wish we could have said or changes in our life we want to tell them about. By writing a letter to your mom, you can release thoughts and emotions you’ve been holding inside. It doesn’t matter what you write or how well it’s written; expressing your feelings matters more.

Enjoy her favorite food

parent and child baking and holding cookie dough in a heart shape

What dish did your mom love to eat? What treats did she make that remind you of her? One way to remember your mom on Mother’s Day is by making a food she loved. You could make a full meal, a snack, or her favorite dessert. If you’re not particularly skilled in the kitchen, you could have a friend or family member help you, or you could hunt down a local restaurant or bakery that makes something similar.

Wear her favorite color

man wearing all yellow standing in front of a yellow background pointing at his shirt

One very easy way to honor your mom on Mother’s Day is by wearing her favorite color. In a way, adding her favorite color to your outfit is a way to bring her memory with you throughout the day. You could make the color the main focus of your outfit or incorporate it through accessories. You could also wear an heirloom or piece of jewelry your mother gave you. Incorporating something important to your mom into your outfit is a simple way to keep your mom close.

Look at photos or old home videos

Person pushing an old home video tape labeled "Family Vacation '98" into a VCR

Looking at photos of your mom or watching old home videos can remind you of the happy moments you shared. Pictures may remind you of memories that have faded into the background, and videos can bring back your mom’s voice.

Whether you choose to enjoy these old memories on your own or with loved ones, photos and videos can make your mom feel a little bit closer on Mother’s Day.

Make a scrapbook page

scrapbook page in honor of a mom

If you enjoy crafts, creating a scrapbook page for your mom can be a great way to celebrate her memory on Mother’s Day. You can incorporate favorite photos of her, mementos from events you attended, or stickers of her favorite flowers. You could add significant quotes: things she said that stuck with you, her favorite saying, or a selection from her favorite book or poem. By taking time to be creative, you’ll allow yourself to express your feelings and embrace your memory of your mom.

Share favorite memories and stories

woman sharing stories with her daughter

Stories have power, and by sharing them with others, you can relive them. If you have a favorite memory with your mom – something sweet, heartfelt, or funny – you can share it with a friend or family member or in a post online. If you have kids of your own, you can tell them about your favorite moments with your mom and maybe even recreate them.

You could also write down some of your favorite memories and stories! Whether you write them in a journal just for yourself or choose to share them with someone else, you can write your memories to cherish them forever.

Volunteer at her favorite charity

young man encouraging a boy with Down syndrome

As mentioned above, participating in activities can be a great way to process your grief. Giving your time to a cause your mom cared about can be a great way to honor her memory on Mother’s Day. While some organizations may be closed on Sunday, you could also volunteer the week before or after Mother’s Day.

Keep in mind that some charities may require paperwork or a background check, especially those that work with kids in need. Investigate ahead of time to learn what requirements your volunteer opportunity requires.

Make a donation in her name

Person placing money in a jar labeled "donate"

Did your mom have a cause that she often donated to? You could give a memorial donation in her honor to her favorite charity. Or did your mom die from a specific disease, like breast cancer or Alzheimer’s? You could support an organization that researches that disease.

Some organizations accept donations of useful items, like hats, toys, or blankets. Even a small donation can make a difference, and your generosity can be a great way to honor her memory.

Whether you choose to skip Mother’s Day or participate in a remembrance activity, remember to be patient with yourself. Losing your mom is hard, and it’s okay if you need time to grieve. Whatever you do, cherish the happy moments you shared with your mom and hold her memory close.

Apr 18

Love0

Younger woman and her second mom baking together

Dealing with Grief on Mother’s Day

By christy.kessler Exclude from Top Posts, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Mother’s Day is a special day, set aside to honor the mothers who have done so much for us. But Mother’s Day is often a very difficult day for two sets of people: those who are mourning the loss of a mother, and mothers who are mourning the loss of a child. On a day that celebrates the mother-child relationship, these people are faced with painful reminders of their loss.

The differences between losing a parent and losing a child are massive. They cannot be compared, nor should they be. Each has its own challenges, its own hurts, its own obstacles. But there are some similar things you can do to prepare for the hard days you will face, like Mother’s Day. That said, if you have experienced the loss of a mother or the loss of a child, you have our sincerest sympathies. As we approach Mother’s Day this year, here are some tips to help you get through the holiday and cope with the great loss you have suffered.

Tip #1: Prepare yourself emotionally

Woman looking at calendar making advance plans

It’s not just the actual day that’s hard. The week leading up to Mother’s Day can also trigger painful memories and stir up strong emotions and unpleasant thoughts. Take some time before the holiday to plan how you want to focus your thoughts. You may choose to focus on the gratitude you feel for the time you had with your mother or child. You may choose to spend some time in solitude, allowing yourself to freely vent your emotions. Or you may think of a new way to honor your loved one’s memory this year, such as taking a bouquet to the graveside or working on a special memorial project. Try to avoid stressful situations (such as the grocery store aisle with all those pink cards and candy boxes) as much as possible.

Tip #2: Share your story

Two people sitting at a table talking with coffee cups in front of them

Every grief journey is different, and there’s no “right” way to grieve. But it is important to talk about your loss. Find someone you trust – a friend, spouse, family member – who will wholeheartedly listen to your story. Your relationship with your child or your mother doesn’t end with death – that relationship continues on in you. By sharing how you loved them, how they impacted you, and the difference they made in your life, you keep your loved one’s memory alive. But also, by telling your story, you allow others into your life and offer them an opportunity to comfort and support you.

Tip #3: Journal about your feelings

Older woman sitting at home, journaling at a table with a tissue box and flower arrangement

If you are processing difficult emotions this Mother’s Day, consider writing them down in a grief journal. Grief journals allow you an honest, private, and judgment-free place to process your thoughts. Write down everything you are feeling about your loss. Anger, sadness, and things left unsaid, along with gratitude, appreciation, and memories. Don’t leave anything out.

Sometimes the most painful part of loss is knowing that there will be moments you will never share with a loved one. Our hopes and dreams and expectations are dashed in a moment, especially with the loss of a child or a mother much too early. Write down all your hopes and expectations so you can see them in black and white. Sometimes simply acknowledging your hopes can help you come to grips with your feelings and help you work toward releasing them and finding a measure of peace.

Tip #4: Honor the other mothers in your life

Younger woman and her second mom baking together

For those of you whose mother is no longer here, you may have one or two women in your life who have been like a mother to you. It could be a teacher, a mentor, a colleague, a leader in your faith group, or a close and trusted friend. Honor these women by acknowledging the contribution they’ve made to your life! This activity can also apply to someone who has lost a child. Have any of your child’s friends continued to be close to you and your family following the loss? Make sure to tell them how much their continued presence means to you.

Tip #5: Pay a special tribute to your loved one

Dark-haired woman in a mustard yellow sweater working on a crochet project

Some people work out their grief by finding an activity or creative outlet. Art therapy can be very helpful in processing emotions. You may like to paint, woodwork, quilt, crochet, sew, scrapbook, or make a video slideshow, to name a few. No matter what you choose to do, you can make it especially meaningful when you share it with others as a memorial gift. Another way to honor your loved one’s memory is through giving back. Volunteering for a beloved charity or giving back through memorial gifts can be a special way to pay tribute to a loved one.

Tip #6: Talk to a professional

Young woman talking with grief therapist

All grief is difficult, and some grief is unbearable. If you are stuck beneath a heavy burden of grief, perhaps it’s time to visit a grief counselor or therapist. We all go to the doctor for physical check-ups and annual appointments, so why shouldn’t we also prioritize our mental health? A grief counselor or psychologist could be a helpful resource and might provide useful tips for battling grief. Perhaps now is the time to schedule a session. Talking to an educated person about your feelings couldn’t hurt, so why not give it a try?

Tip #7: Do something that you enjoy

Older woman outside gardening in her yard

When you’re feeling down, it can be beneficial to participate in an activity that you enjoy. You may feel guilty about feeling happiness – like it’s an emotion you no longer have a right to feel after the death of a mother or child. But that’s not true. It’s not a betrayal to find hope and joy, and any loving child or mother would want you to find these things again. Oblige them by doing something that gives you joy. Hang out with friends, go to the movies, or buy yourself a treat. Do something relaxing or find an opportunity to laugh. Honor your loved one by living the life you have been given and treating yourself the way that they would treat you.

While these 7 tips won’t take away your pain this Mother’s Day, they can help you navigate through the day. May you find peace in your heart and the healing you deserve this Mother’s Day.

Mar 01

Love0

Small wooden cross with purple ribbon, small crown of thorns, and three nails

5 Ways Grief is Expressed in the Easter Story

By christy.kessler Exclude from Top Posts, Seasonal

For Christians around the world, Easter is a time for both thoughtful contemplation and joyful triumph. The holiday revolves around the life of Jesus Christ and His death and resurrection, which Christians believe broke the power of sin and made it possible for mankind to live an abundant life of freedom and close relationship with God.

But before the happy moment when Jesus’s friends, family, and disciples realized He was alive, they grieved His loss for two days. As we look at the four Gospel accounts (the Books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John), we can see 5 distinct reactions to Jesus’s death and how people mourned His passing.

1. Honoring Jesus with a Final Resting Place

replica of what Jesus's tomb may have looked like from the outside

The Books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John all recount the events of Jesus’s death on the cross. In each one, a man named Joseph of Arimathea plays a key role. In the Book of John, we’re told that Joseph kept his allegiance to Jesus secret because he feared the Jewish leaders. However, Joseph revealed himself to all when he asked Pontius Pilate, the Roman leader, if he could have Jesus’s body for burial. He placed Jesus in a tomb intended for Joseph and his family. Through this expression of grief, Joseph honored Jesus and showed deep respect and care for Him.

Today, we do much the same thing, though we don’t often use tombs anymore. Now, we may bury a loved one in a cemetery or scatter their cremated remains in a special place. No matter what is chosen, we still honor loved ones by giving them a place of final rest. (References: Matthew 27:55-61; Mark 15:42-46; Luke 23:50-53; John 19:38-42)

2. Supporting Jesus at the Time of His Death

Depiction of the crown of thorns, cross, and nails that pierced Jesus's hands

Another expression of care and grief highlighted in the biblical narrative is the supportive presence of Jesus’s loved ones at the time of His death. Each Gospel includes the names of different people, so we can conclude that there were quite a few of Jesus’s followers nearby when He was crucified. Why were they there? To offer Him their support during His time of need. To grieve and to see for themselves what happened to Him.

We still practice this expression of love and care today. When a loved one’s death is pending, we sit by their side. Family members come from far away to say their goodbyes. Friends and neighbors offer their love and support. In Jesus’s case, His followers couldn’t hold His hand, but they could stand near Him and make their presence known. (References: Matthew 27:55-56; Mark 15:40-41; Luke 23:49; John 19:25-27)

3. Preparing Jesus’s Body for Burial

Bottle of myrrh, used to prepare a body for burial during Jesus's lifetime

Jesus was crucified on a Friday, not long before Sabbath began. In the Jewish tradition, Sabbath is a day devoted to rest, which meant that Jesus’s burial needed to take place quickly. With help from Nicodemus, Joseph of Arimathea prepared Jesus’s body for burial. As was the custom at the time, they wrapped Jesus’s body in clean linen perfumed with ointments and spices, such as myrrh. They then placed Jesus’s body in the tomb before leaving to prepare for the Sabbath.

Before funeral homes became the norm, families washed, dressed, and prepared a loved one for burial themselves. This was intended to show love and respect to the deceased and give family members quiet moments to grieve the passing of someone loved. Today, we work closely with the funeral home to ensure a loved one’s care and preparation, but the custom of caring for and preparing the body still remains.(References: Mark 16:1-2; Luke 23:50-54; John 19:38-40)

4. Visiting Jesus’s Tomb

Depiction of Jesus's empty tomb with linen lying flat on the stone

The day after the Sabbath, several women went to visit Jesus’s tomb in the morning. In Luke 24:55-56, the text states that the women witnessed Joseph of Arimathea taking Jesus’s body and placing it in the tomb. Seeing this, the women went home to prepare additional burial spices, but they were unable to return to the tomb before Sabbath began. Therefore, at the first opportunity Sunday morning, they went to visit Jesus’s grave and further care for His body by applying more spices. Instead, they encountered an empty tomb and two angels, who gave them the good news of Jesus’s resurrection.

Visiting a loved one’s final resting place is still a common practice, and it can be part of the healing process. By visiting Jesus’s grave, the women not only showed great love, but they also created an opportunity to cry together and grieve His death. (References: Matthew 28:1; Mark 16:1-2; Luke 24:1)

5. Experiencing Sadness over Jesus’s Death

Small wooden cross with purple ribbon, small crown of thorns, and three nails

In Luke’s Gospel, he includes the story of two men who encountered Jesus on the road to Emmaus. When Jesus joined the two men, he had already risen from the grave and was appearing to many of his followers. Jesus asked the men what they were discussing. Without recognizing Him and “with sadness written across their faces,” they told him about Jesus’s death (Luke 24:17). This passage shows what many of Jesus’s followers felt – a deep sadness. They not only loved Him as a person, but they also believed He was the promised Savior.

In our own lives, we experience deep sadness when our loved ones die. You may also feel many other emotions, like anger, fear, shock, or guilt. All of these emotions are completely natural when you’re trying to accept and make sense of someone’s death. But as you engage with your emotions and seek to understand them and express them, you will begin to heal. (Reference: Luke 24:17-18)

The Bible has provided wisdom, comfort, instruction, and encouragement to people from all over the world for millennia. In the Easter story, and in other places throughout the Bible, we see examples of what it means to grieve and how to process the pain we feel. If you are hurting this Easter, may God place His loving arms around you and give you peace, comfort, and hope that He is with you always.

Jan 23

Love0

6 Ways to Combat Loneliness on Valentine’s Day

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Seasonal

If you’ve recently lost a spouse, partner, or significant other, you may be experiencing loneliness on Valentine’s Day. And that’s completely normal and to be expected. Your natural inclination may be to sit at home and just try to deal with your loneliness. However, to make the day easier on yourself mentally and emotionally, here are a few activities to consider that may help you make it through the day feeling more engaged and less lonely.

1. Schedule a Self-Care Day

Woman receiving manicure on a self-care day

Give yourself a little love this year by scheduling self-care activities on Valentine’s Day. By doing so, you not only get out of the house, but you also have a chance to treat yourself to things that bring you joy. For example, you could schedule a massage (foot, back, full body, whatever you prefer). Or you could get a manicure, pedicure, or facial.

Alternatively, you could choose to focus on your spirit and attend a retreat or educational conference. Simply choose something that relaxes you and makes you feel recharged. And if you’d like to invite a friend to join you, do so!

2. Make Plans with Friends

Three men out golfing together

A second option for combatting loneliness on Valentine’s Day is to make plans to spend the day or evening with friends. By including other people in your day, Valentine’s Day won’t feel as lonely because you won’t be alone. Instead, you will laugh, talk, and deepen your connection to the important people in your life.

You could go out to dinner at your favorite spot. Plan a road trip. Go to the movies and see the most action-packed movie possible (no rom-coms allowed). Scope out a good place to hike and enjoy the outdoors. Head to the golf course, the local fishing hole, or the new axe-throwing joint. Or you can poll the group and ask each person to choose an activity and make a full day of it!

3. Volunteer with your Favorite Charity

Two volunteers holding a pug at an animal shelter

Studies show that volunteering decreases loneliness and social isolation while also improving your physical well-being. So, take time out this Valentine’s Day to volunteer at a charity close to your heart. And if you’ve never volunteered before, that’s fine. With a little advance planning, you can get signed up with a local organization that’s in need of your help.

You could volunteer at an animal shelter, tutor kids, help with the homeless, build homes with Habitat for Humanity, sit with the elderly, or deliver meals with Meals on Wheels. There are so many volunteer opportunities to choose from and each one will introduce you to new faces and new passions.

4. Exchange Valentines with Friends

Person holding a box of Valentine's Day truffle chocolates

Do you remember exchanging valentines in elementary school? You can do the same with your friend group this Valentine’s Day. Think of it like a Secret Santa gift exchange. You could draw names and each person gets one gift. Alternatively, you could draw inspiration from grade school and each design your own valentine box and place it on your porch. Then, throughout the day, your friend group can drop cards and treats into the box at each other’s homes.

If you’d prefer to exchange in person, you can always have a valentine brunch or dinner where valentines are given and received. You could create your own cards or grab one of those packs from the store. The point is, by exchanging with your friends, you still get the love, support, and chocolate that comes with the day and you will feel less lonely.

5. Sign Up for a Group Activity

Group of seniors in a painting class with instructor

If you’re new to the area or just like to try new things, you could sign up for a group activity on Valentine’s Day. You could do a fitness class, a painting class, an educational course, a walking group, a dance class, a wine club – wherever your interests lie. With group activities, you have the chance to meet new people while also learning a new skill or indulging a passion. What a lovely evening it would be! You just might meet your new best friend.

6. Stay Off Social Media for the Day

Cell phone put away in a basket as woman takes a social media break; woman sitting on couch reading

With social media, we’re connected to more people than ever before. While that can be good on some days, on others it becomes a curse. If you are struggling with loneliness this Valentine’s Day or are simply missing your special person, it can be painful to see so many others celebrating their own love stories. While you are certainly happy for them, it doesn’t mean you want to be confronted with your own loneliness so openly.

If you struggle seeing others’ social posts, consider staying off social media for 3-4 days surrounding the holiday. This way, you won’t be bombarded with posts and can protect your own mental and emotional health. Even after 4 days, you may see a post or two pop up in your newsfeed, but you will avoid the thick of it.

Remember to Honor Your Feelings

While these 6 activities will help you combat loneliness on Valentine’s Day, it’s important not to ignore what you’re feeling. There are going to be times throughout the day when you feel down or deeply miss your special person. When these feelings come, don’t be discouraged. This is completely normal and natural.

Take a moment to honor your feelings. If you need to cry, scream, or journal what you’re feeling, do that. It may also help to find a way to honor your loved one’s memory on Valentine’s Day. By doing so, you honor the love you two shared in a special way. For a few ideas on ways you could honor your loved one’s memory, go to Honor Your Loved One this Valentine’s Day. May you find hope and connection this Valentine’s Day even as you mourn the loss of someone dearly loved.

Dec 01

Love0

Person standing in front of a heart drawn into the snow during the holiday season

Healing Your Holiday Grief

By christy.kessler Christmas, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

By Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

If you could go back in time and relive a special holiday, which one would you choose? Close your eyes for a moment and think about this holiday. Now, slowly, walk through this memory in your mind.

What made it so special? What were the surroundings like? Who inhabits this memory with you?

Family of three - dad, mom, and pre-teen daughter - putting up Christmas tree together at holiday

Holidays have such rich associations for us because humankind created them as a way to honor and celebrate that which is truly important. We step out of the hustle and bustle of our day-to-day routines and into a world where our spiritual beliefs and connection to others matter above all else. We pause to give thanks, and we share of ourselves.

As the Grinch learned that memorable Christmas, the holidays don’t really come from a store – they come from the heart and soul.

Which is why when someone loved dies, the holidays can be so painful. The heart of the holidays has been torn apart. Without love, what is life? Without the people we love, what are the holidays?

I want you to know that you can find continued meaning in the holidays and in life. You can continue to live and love fully. You must grieve, but you can also celebrate.

Setting Your Intention to Heal

It takes a true commitment to heal in your grief. Yes, you are changed, but with commitment and intention, you can and will become whole again. Commitment goes hand in hand with the concept of “setting your intention.” Intention is defined as being conscious of what you want to experience. A close cousin to “affirmation,” it is using the power of positive thought to produce a desired result.

How can you use this in your journey through holiday grief? By setting your intention to heal.

Turning to Ritual

Setting your intention to mourn and heal during the holidays – and beyond – is one important way to move forward in your grief journey. Harnessing the power of ritual is another. We create holiday rituals because everyday activities and normal conversations cannot capture our most profound thoughts and feelings. Rituals give them voice and shape. So, we decorate our Christmas trees, light our menorahs, give gifts, hold hands, and say prayers.

During your times of grief, the very rituals of the holidays can help you survive them. Try participating in some of your normal holiday traditions but with a focus on grief. When you light candles in your home, do it in honor or the person who died. You might also create a special holiday ceremony or private ritual in memory of the person who died. The holidays are ritualistic, and ritual can help you survive (and heal) right now. Remember this when you are considering whether or not to participate in your next holiday tradition.

Living in the Now

Return once more to the holiday memory I asked you to conjure up at the beginning. This memory is so special to you because you were so very present in the moment. When your grief overwhelms you this holiday season, try focusing on the now. Your grief wants you to live in the past through memories of the precious person who died. Remembering is indeed important, and your memories will always be a special part of your life.

Your grief will also project you into the future at times. You will worry about what the coming months and year hold for you. Looking ahead is also a normal and natural part of grief.

But when remembering and projecting exhaust you – and they will – return yourself to the present moment. Concentrate on what is going on around you right now. Hear the sounds and see the sights. Try drawing on the power of now to find continued meaning in your holidays and in your life.

Mother and young daughter sitting in front of Christmas tree as they watch something funny on a smartphone

You’ll notice I have used the generic term “holiday season.” By that, I mean the winter holidays bookended in the United States by Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. In between are the spiritual/religious holidays of Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. But whatever holidays you celebrate, and no matter where you live, the principles apply to the holidays that are most meaningful for you – including other holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries sprinkled throughout the calendar year.

A List of Ideas to Heal Your Holiday Grief

Be Compassionate with Yourself

Let your holiday grief be what it is. And let yourself – your new, grieving self – be who you are.

Survive

If the death was very recent, you may be in survival mode this holiday season. If that’s true for you, it’s OK – the world will keep turning whether you participate in the holidays or not.

Keep What Matters

You might consider simplifying your holiday rituals instead of abandoning them altogether. Keep the traditions that matter most to you and set the others aside, at least for now.

Communicate Your Wishes

Muster the strength and courage to tell the people in your life what your wishes are for the holidays. If you’d like their company but prefer to gather somewhere different than you usually do, say so. If you’d rather skip some of the celebrations this year, tell them. If you’re feeling unsure about how to spend the holidays, tell them.

Attend a Remembrance Ceremony

Many hospitals, hospices, and funeral homes host remembrance ceremonies during the holidays. The act of joining together in our grief and ritualizing our mourning can be healing. Especially early in their grief, many families say that it was the most important thing they did during the holidays.

Hang a Special Stocking

If your holiday traditions include hanging stockings, consider hanging a special stocking in memory of the person who died.

Be a Secret Santa

You could probably use some “feeling good” this holiday season. Give yourself a dose of pleasure by giving to someone else.

Prepare Favorite Holiday Foods of the Person Who Died

Special foods are an important part of the holiday traditions. Chances are, your family prepares many of the same dishes each holiday, and everyone looks forward to those unique smells and flavors.

If You’re Alone, Find Ways to Connect

If you’re alone this holiday season, you would be well-served to make an effort to connect with other human beings. Invite your neighbor to dinner. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or nursing home. Join a group at a place of worship.

Make an Appointment with a Grief Counselor

Seeing a counselor or spiritual advisor for just a session or two over the holidays may help you cope better and focus more on what is important to you this year and what is not.

Count Your Blessings

Think of all you have to be thankful for. This is not to deny the hurt, for the hurt needs to take precedence right now. But it may help to consider the things that make your life worth living, too.

Believe in a Better Next Year

Believe in your capacity to heal and grow through grief. Believe in the enduring holiday spirit of giving and love.

About the Author

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., is the founder and director of Center for Loss and Life Transition and a member of the TAPS Advisory Board. This article is excerpted from his book, Healing your Holiday Grief: 100 Practical Ideas for Blending Mourning and Celebration During the Holiday Season, published by Companion Press and available at www.centerforloss.com.

Printed with permission from Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Center for Loss and Life Transition.