The 21st century has seen a significant rise in suicide rates. Nearly 45,000 American lives are lost to suicide every year, making it the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. Even in the last few years and months, we’ve seen a number of well-known and well-loved people take their own lives: Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, and Chris Cornell, to name a few. For those left to mourn the death, suicide is a devastating act that can cause severe emotional distress. If you have recently lost a loved one to suicide, consider the following tips to help you through this difficult time.
Don’t give guilt or anger a foothold
In the aftermath of suicide, it is common for family members to feel a range of emotions from guilt to depression to anger at the person who has died. Loved ones may ask themselves what they could have been done to prevent the tragedy and become overwhelmed by guilt. If you have lost a family member or friend to suicide, the most important thing to realize is that the death was not your fault. Oftentimes, suicide is a direct result of mental illness and severe depression, which cloud a person’s ability to see the world accurately.
Realizing these fundamental truths – that your loved one was suffering from a mental illness and that their death was not your fault – can allow you to understand and sympathize with your loved one. Free yourself from guilt and anger and embrace compassion. After a loss, it is often helpful to participate in healing actions. For example, tell the story of your loved one’s life, find ways to honor their memory, and cultivate compassion for others who suffer from mental illness.
Find a good therapist
Grief therapy can be helpful for anyone experiencing the pain of loss, but for those who have lost loved ones to suicide, it is particularly beneficial. The traumatic nature of suicide makes loved ones more susceptible to intense psychological distress, and professional help is required in many of these cases. The counseling helps suicide loss survivors see the situation more clearly, and a trained therapist can help you to understand the psychiatric problems your loved one faced. He or she may also be able to help you recognize unhealthy patterns of thinking that will help you to grieve in a healthy manner.
Surround yourself with people you love
Stay connected with the people in your life who matter to you. Isolation breeds unhappiness, especially after a traumatic event. If you are a person of faith, visit with people in your spiritual community. Invite friends over or go out to social events. Talk to family members often, and look for opportunities to socialize with others. Those who have lost loved ones to suicide often struggle with depression in the months after the loss, and studies indicate that social interaction is a great way to decrease depression. Friends and family members can keep you anchored in a routine, and their love will provide you with a sense of safety, security, and familiarity.
Join a support community
In addition to staying in contact with close friends and family (or especially if you don’t have close friends or family), you may want to consider finding a support community. After a loss, you may feel totally alone. Joining a support group will help you realize that you aren’t alone and will allow you to form new connections that will give you strength and encouragement as you travel down the road to healing.
Groups such as Survivors of Suicide Loss (SOSL) allow you to hear the experiences of others who have lost loved ones to suicide. They also give you the opportunity to share your thoughts (if you wish to). You might find that expressing your feelings in a welcoming and sympathetic environment helps you work through the loss and provides the encouragement you need to continue your journey.
Be patient with yourself
Don’t give yourself a grief schedule. There is no rush, and there is no time frame for grief. You have experienced a loss that is enormously painful, and it is normal to find yourself experiencing periods of deep sadness long after the loss. Allow yourself to cry or express frustration when you need to.
You will never stop missing your loved one. But over the course of time, you can find ways to enjoy life again. Remind yourself that time will make your situation more manageable. In the meantime, accept every emotion you feel, and understand that it is okay to be upset. Accept yourself in every situation, and strive not to compare your grief feelings to the grief feelings of others or set unrealistic expectations regarding how you feel. The grief journey is not linear, and even after you feel much better, you may experience occasional grief bursts. By allowing yourself to feel your emotions without judgment, you can make a great deal of progress on your grief journey.
Establish the legacy of your loved one
In the aftermath of suicide, find ways to remember the positive impact your loved one had on the lives of others. You may want to participate in certain rituals to honor their memory, such as attending a prayer vigil or gathering with loved ones to share your thoughts about the person you’ve lost. Through stories and memories, remind others of the meaningful life your loved one lived.
Do you remember your loved one helping others in a time of need? Or a time when he or she accomplished something extraordinary? Search for funny or happy memories with this person and share their story with others. If you feel comfortable, you may even start a blog, or find another way to write about what your loved one meant to you and those around you. The fact that the death hurts indicates that the one who has died brought joy to other people. Sharing the story of his or her life can be an important healing step on your grief journey.