Category

Explore Options

Oct 09

How to Personalize a Funeral When an Infant Dies

By Explore Options, Grief/Loss, Meaningful Funerals

“Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.” – A.A. Milne

Losing an infant or a small child is one of the most difficult situations to face as a parent. It feels wrong. Out of order. Unnatural. And yet, it has happened, and now it is time to grieve the loss of a life that could have been. But how do you go about creating a healing, meaningful, and personalized service for an infant?

If you are feeling at a loss for how you can celebrate a little life that has barely begun, your funeral director can help you find unique and personalized ways to create a service you will never forget that you can look back on for comfort in the years to come.

For example, let’s read about SuperGirl and her loving parents, as told by a caring funeral director.

Remembering SuperGirl

This week, I found myself sitting across the table from a young couple, who – until the day before – had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of a new baby. Sadly, the little girl had arrived far too early… bypassing a life in our broken world for a direct return to the arms of God.

The young couple was clearly in love but devastated and enduring tremendous heartache. The pair held hands and wept as we discussed how to create a meaningful funeral service to soothe their own pain, but also celebrate a little girl they would never have the chance to raise.

By asking a series of questions, I found out that they were planning to decorate their daughter’s room in pink and silver, and they often called her SuperGirl because “she kicked so hard when I was carrying her.”

In that moment, it became my desire to lay SuperGirl to rest in such a way that everyone would realize just how much this little girl meant to her family. I asked the family’s permission to borrow their SuperGirl idea for the service, telling them that I had a few ideas on how to make things extra special.

After they left, I quickly called up an artist friend of mine, who created custom vinyl graphics to adorn the tiny casket and a handful of small stickers to hand out to friends and family who attended SuperGirl’s service the following day. Our secretary also made memorial folders to match the theme, and once the family saw what had been done, they were overwhelmed with emotion.

In the end, we were able to transcend the “typical” funeral and create an experience worthy of a SuperGirl.

So, What’s Next?

As you can see, the personalized and meaningful touches included at their precious girl’s remembrance deeply touched SuperGirl’s family. For the rest of their lives, they can hold onto the knowledge that they took the time to grieve, to remember, to mourn, and to celebrate what she meant to them, even though she was gone too soon. But how do you get started?

Familiarize Yourself with the Seven Elements of a Funeral

First, familiarize yourself with the seven elements of a funeral: music, readings, visitation/reception, eulogy, symbols, a gathering, and actions. According to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor and educator, when used together, these seven elements create a personalized, meaningful, and touching ceremony that will help bring healing to hurting hearts. When an infant dies, because their personality was still developing, these elements may be a bit more personalized to the parents and their desires, prayers, and dreams for their baby.

In SuperGirl’s case, because she was lost before birth, it was the parents’ wishes and plans that were used to personalize the service. This made the service meaningful to them and to their cherished memories of their little girl.

Brainstorm Together How to Make the Service Special and Unique

After you’re familiar with the elements of a funeral, you can begin looking for ways to personalize these seven aspects of the service to create a meaningful and healing experience. To help you as you get your thoughts together, you can ask yourself these questions:

  • What special memories do you have of your child?
  • What were your hopes and dreams for your child?
  • When you think of your baby, what do you think of?
  • Were there any special mementos that you might want to include?
  • Did you give your baby a special nickname?
  • Depending on the age of your child, did they have favorite toys or activities?
  • Do your loved ones have special memories of your child that you might want to include?

Identify Ways to Personalize the Service

Here are a few ideas for ways that you can make the service personal to you and to the memory of your infant. These are just to jumpstart your own thoughts. Try to make the service truly unique to you, your child, and your needs.

  • Consider incorporating a release ceremony. For example, you can do a balloon release ceremony with appropriate-colored balloons and invite mourners to write messages on them. When released, the balloons disappear into the sky, almost like sending a message to heaven.
  • Consider using a theme. You might include special items, like a blanket made specifically for the baby, shoes, or other items. If you had a color theme for a nursery, you could incorporate those colors into the service.
  • Consider inviting others to give of their time or resources to a charity in honor of your child’s legacy. If you have miscarried, invite mourners to give to a foundation that supports mothers going through miscarriage. If your child died because of a certain illness, provide details of how to give toward a cure. Choose whatever organization you feel is appropriate to honor your child’s memory.

  • Use music that was special to you as a parent and reminds you of your infant in the ceremony. Whether that’s music you listened to throughout the pregnancy or something your child went to sleep to, you can select what is most meaningful to you and your family.
  • Write a letter to your baby, expressing all your hopes and dreams and wishes for what should have been. This will help you as you grieve but may also be a beautiful tribute to share at the funeral service.
  • Consider establishing a memorial in honor of your little one, whether it is a physical memorial, charitable donation fund to a special cause, or memorial website or blog chronicling your journey.

Take Time to Grieve

After the ceremony, it may be a little more difficult to feel supported for as long as you need. Because support for infant loss is usually not as present as it is for other types of loss, seek out caring counselors, mentors, support groups, and friends when you need help processing through your emotions. You can also start a grief journal that expresses all your feelings about the loss–good, bad, and everything in between. So often, grieving the loss of an infant can feel like a very lonely road. When you are able, you can also bring significance to the life of your little one by helping others who have gone through a similar loss.

Whatever you choose to do, your child was beautiful and is worth remembering in a sweet, meaningful, and personalized way. Don’t worry about “making too much of a fuss.” That is the last thing you should worry. Every life deserves honor, remembrance, and celebration, no matter how briefly they graced our world.

Sep 26

What Are My Interment Options?

By Explore Options

For many of us, the ins and outs of funeral planning are unfamiliar and confusing. We don’t know where to start or even what all of our options are. Should you go with cremation or burial? As you do your research, you may come across unfamiliar terms, like interment, columbariums, mausoleums, crypts, vaults, niches, and more. This article will explain what these terms mean and how you can make decisions ahead of time that give peace of mind to your loved ones at a time of loss, knowing that they are following your wishes for your place of final rest.

Definition

First of all, let’s define interment. Usually, the term refers to burial, typically with funeral rites. However, with the increase in cremation, interment now means “final resting place.” In other words, it’s the place where a person is laid to rest permanently, whether they are buried or cremated.

Interment Options for Burial of the Body

If you choose burial of the body as your preference, you have many options available for both in-ground or above-ground burial. Not all options are available everywhere, so check with your funeral professional to determine which ones are available in your area.

Traditional Burial

With traditional burial, the body remains intact and is usually embalmed to allow for a viewing or visitation prior to the funeral and committal services. Prior to burial, the grave is excavated at the cemetery and either a grave liner or burial vault is placed in the grave (the family decides which one). Later, after the committal service, the cemetery grounds crew will lower the casket and fill the grave with soil. Eventually, a grave marker with epitaph is added to the location as a memorial.

Lawn Crypt

Essentially, a lawn crypt is a type of underground mausoleum. It’s built deeper into the ground and can house multiple caskets. Often made of concrete, a lawn crypt possesses a drainage system, which protects the grave’s contents from the elements. In some cases, families are all buried together, but it’s not a requirement. Make sure to ask a cemetery representative if they use individual grave markers or just one for everyone buried in the lawn crypt.

Mausoleum

A mausoleum is an above-ground memorial building for housing casketed remains. They offer personal ways to commemorate your loved one, including name carvings, plaques, and vases for flowers. A mausoleum typically offers single or companion crypts and protects the remains from the elements. Both community and private mausoleums exist. In most cases, a private mausoleum is much more expensive. A mausoleum is a great option for families who want to be interred together.

Natural (or Green) Burial

Another option for full-body interment is natural or green burial. The main idea behind green and natural burials is to allow the decomposition process to occur naturally. The main differences are two-fold: 1) Green burial excludes any type of embalming, and the cemetery grounds are specifically sanctioned for green burial; 2) While green burials must occur on very specific plots of land, a natural burial can take place on private land (subject to regulations) or in any cemetery that allows it.

Interment Options for the Cremated Body

Columbarium

Moving into interment options for the cremated body, a columbarium is a popular option. Columbaria consist of many small compartments, called niches, that each hold an individual urn. Each niche typically includes a memorial plaque that acts as a grave marker, identifying the names, dates of life, and an epitaph (if the family wishes). All columbaria are communal, though a family can purchase a family-sizes niche to allow multiple urns to be placed together.

Urn Burial

It is also possible to bury an urn rather than to place it in a columbarium niche. Some cemeteries have landscaped urn gardens while others offer burial plots similar to those for traditional burial. A traditional plot can hold the cremated bodies of multiple people or may even hold a casket and an urn, depending on the cemetery regulations. As with traditional burial, urn burial requires an outer burial container. A third option for urn burial is green burial. You can place the urn in a green burial ground without an outer burial container.

Scattering

You can take your loved one’s cremated body to a special place (remember to check the laws and regulations for that place) or you can go to a scattering garden, a designated, beautiful space often attached to a cemetery. With a scattering garden, the cemetery often provides a means of adding a permanent physical marker so that family and friends feel more connected to their lost loved one. If you decide to scatter all of a loved one’s ashes, take time to prepare yourself emotionally. For some, it can come as a shock that all that was left of a loved one’s body is suddenly gone.

Other Interment Options

A few lesser-used interment options are:

As you can see, there are several interment options available to you, and you can choose the one that best fits your wishes and your family’s needs. No matter which option you choose, remember that it’s important to designate a final resting place so that friends, family, and future generations have a place to visit, remember, and honor the life that has been lived.

Aug 21

7 Ways to Pay for Unexpected Funeral Expenses

By Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

When a loved one dies, the last thing you want to do is think about how to pay for the funeral, especially if funds are tight and the death is unexpected. Sadly, this is sometimes the case. In a recent survey, research shows that only 39% of Americans have enough savings to cover a $1,000 emergency. This means that many families won’t have the personal finances available to cover the unexpected cost of a funeral.

If this is your situation, you aren’t alone, and you do have some options. Be aware that most funeral homes require payment upfront, but a good funeral director will work with you as much as he or she can to help you access benefits that may be available and stick to your budget.

Let’s discuss 7 practical options available to you when it comes to paying for unexpected funeral expenses. You may find that a combination of these options helps you and your family create a plan that honors your loved one and meets your needs for a healing and meaningful service.

1. Use life insurance or a final expense plan

If your loved one had a current life insurance or final expense plan in place at the time of their death, talk to your funeral director about using a life insurance policy for the funeral expenses. You may also check with your loved one’s employer, as sometimes employers offer life insurance policies through the workplace. Often, a funeral home will file the claim on your behalf. Depending on how much the policy is worth, the beneficiary may even receive excess funds above the cost of the funeral. Also, both kinds of policies can have unexpected complications, and even if your policy is problem free, be aware that it may take 6 to 8 weeks to receive payment. Some funeral homes use a third party assignment company to expedite payment on verified benefits, which usually involves a small fee.

2. Choose an affordable option

First and foremost, choosing affordable options is the best way to reduce the overall cost of a funeral. Typically, cremation costs trend lower than burial costs, but be sure to look into both options before you jump to conclusions. Sometimes a direct burial is nearly the same cost as cremation. And keep in mind that choosing cremation or direct burial doesn’t mean you have to skip a healing and meaningful service. Often, a very inexpensive memorial service can be arranged to honor and celebrate your loved one’s life, even if it’s an informal gathering just for family.

3. Apply for free benefits (based on eligibility)

Next, look into any benefits that your family may be eligible to receive from the government. For instance, if your loved one was a veteran, they may be entitled to certain burial benefits, including monetary assistance and possibly a free burial space in a state or national cemetery and a grave marker. Also, the Social Security Administration pays out a small, one-time survivor’s benefit at the time of death. And finally, look at nonprofits, charities, or churches. For example, the Little Love Foundation assists families who have lost an infant with funeral costs.

4. Tap into personal funds

While this option is not ideal, it can help to consider liquidating any assets that you may have access to. Is there anything you can sell, such as non-retirement stocks or bonds, collectors’ items, or an unused vehicle or RV? Or, you may have a bit of personal savings set aside that can be combined with other sources of funding. Tapping into your personal assets and savings could help you avoid having to take on debt to pay for a funeral.

5. Recruit friends and family to help

More often than not, people will try to help each other out. While you may feel embarrassed at first, don’t be afraid to ask others for help. First, ask any family members – siblings, cousins, children, aunts, uncles – to contribute to the funeral expenses. After that, you may consider asking any close friends whom you think would want to support you and your family in this way. With all the funds gathered, you can then choose an affordable option for your loved one.

6. Set up a crowdfunding campaign

If no financial plan is in place at the time of need, you can use a crowdfunding website to pay for a funeral. Some of these websites are general fundraising platforms that can help you raise money for a funeral. GoFundMe.com, in particular, has become a very popular way to campaign for a service. Other websites such as Funeral Fund are specifically tailored to funeral fundraising. These sites provide efficient ways to receive the financial support needed to create a meaningful ceremony for your loved one.

7. Use a credit card or funeral loan

The final possibility you may consider is using a credit card or taking out a personal loan. Obviously, this is not the best option since it includes the possibility of paying interest on the funeral amount. Some lending companies offer families funeral loans, often with no interest for the first few months. Ask your funeral director about funeral lending companies, if interested.

The Value of Planning Ahead

Ultimately, the best way to save money and prevent future headaches for your family is to plan ahead. If you are dealing with a death right now, this advice comes a little too late, but it bears keeping in mind for the future. Once you’ve chosen your preferred funeral provider, ask to speak with a funeral prearrangement specialist. Most funeral homes offer free advance funeral planning services to their communities. Take advantage of this opportunity to understand your options and take care funeral costs in advance.

When you plan ahead, it is much easier to stick to a budget and choose only the options that you know you want. Planning ahead also prevents your family from paying for options that you do not want! For everyone involved, it helps to make decisions with a cool, calm, and collected head rather than in a time of grief. So, if you are young and in good health, planning ahead can potentially save your family hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars. There are several safe and secure payment options available for advance funeral planning. Speak to your local funeral professional for more information.

Jul 30

Remembering Our Loved Ones Through Photos

By Explore Options, Grief/Loss

“When you photograph a face… you photograph the soul behind it.” – Jean-Luc Godard

Today, we can’t imagine a world without photographs. They capture the moments of our lives – both the special and the mundane – and create a record for years to come. They help us remember what has come before, and they elicit powerful emotions.

In actuality, photography is a relatively new invention. The first photographic process was introduced in 1824 by Nicéphore Niépce. Building on his initial work, many other scientists and inventors improved photography over the years. However, it was George Eastman who first brought the camera to the individual. In the 1910s, the first 35mm camera became available to the public, and people began to go “Kodaking” (spending the day taking pictures with friends).

We have come a long way from glass plates, daguerreotypes, and negatives. Now, most of us carry a camera with us everywhere we go because they are built into our cell phones. That’s quite the innovative leap, especially since it’s been just over 100 years since the first camera became available to the public.

But despite its relative newness, we are fascinated with photography. Photographs have found a place of prominence in our lives. They give us something that the generations before us didn’t experience in the same way. They give us a unique way to remember our loved ones after they’re gone and recall the memories we shared.

So, How Do Photographs Benefit Us?

1. They connect us with our past.

“What I like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.” – Karl Lagerfeld

Looking at photos of loved ones often elicits a sense of connection. With people we know, we remember the person in the photo and how they made us feel. With people we never met – like ancestors – there’s something special about looking at family even though you never met. After all, without them, you wouldn’t exist.

2. They remind us of people, places, feelings, and stories.

“The best images are the ones that retain their strength and impact over the years, regardless of the number of times they are viewed.” – Anne Geddes

While a picture may be worth a thousand words, it captures a very specific memory. Whether the photo is of friends, that crazy family vacation, or your high school graduation, it will remind you of people you’ve met, places you’ve gone, and feelings you’ve felt. Every picture tells a story. And in some cases, you’ve forgotten the story until the picture gives it life again.

3. They help keep a certain memory sharp.

“With my father’s passing, I realized just how important images of him are to me. The photo[s] also made me think, what do my children have to remember me by?” – John Wineberg

Oftentimes, when we lose someone we love, we fear that we will forget them. That’s one reason why photos are so precious – they give our loved one’s face and any cherished memories a sharper focus in our minds. With a photo, we are less likely to forget what a loved one looked like. We are less likely to forget some of our favorite memories. In a way, a loved one lives on through the pictures we have of them.

4. They remind us that there were good times in the midst of the bad.

“The best thing about a picture is that it never changes, even when the people in it do.” – Andy Warhol

In life, unexpected things happen. A spouse leaves. A best friend moves away. A loved one dies. Photos capture a single moment in time. Perhaps, when that best friend moved away, things became difficult, and it took a while to find a new friend. But just the same, any pictures you have with that friend are precious. Despite the changes in life and people, photos remind us that good is interwoven with the bad.

5. They express emotions that words cannot.

“The whole point of taking pictures is so that you don’t have to explain things with words.” – Elliott Erwitt

Sometimes words are just not enough. They don’t adequately capture the essence of what you feel. But for many, a photo can do just that. It expresses what your lips can’t articulate and helps you say what’s in your heart. And on the other side of that, photos elicit deep emotion from us. They remind us of something or someone we love and just how precious memories are.

How Can Photos Help Us Honor Our Loved Ones?

A healing and meaningful funeral is about honoring and remembering a life lived. Pictures are an excellent way to tell a loved one’s unique story. There are a variety of ways that you can utilize your favorite photos in a final tribute:

  • Put together a memorial DVD (or ask the funeral home to do it).
  • Create a collage or timeline.
  • Print off some of your favorites and give them as a remembrance token at the funeral.
  • Make your own memory wreath.
  • If there is a gathering or reception, place photos in prominent places or use as centerpieces.

These are just a few ideas to get you started. Think on it. Whatever will honor your loved one’s memory most, do it. Every picture you have captures a moment of your loved one’s life. And that life is worth celebrating.

Jun 03

6 Things You Probably Didn’t Know about Funeral Goods and Services

By Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

Most of us will only plan a handful of funerals in our lifetime, and because it is so infrequent, we often don’t know what to do, how to do it, or how much it should cost. Fortunately for us, funeral directors are here to help. When you walk into a funeral home, you don’t have to have everything figured out. After all, you don’t know what you don’t know. However, while you don’t have to know everything, it’s always good practice to prepare as much as you can in advance. Today, let’s talk about a few things you probably didn’t know about funeral goods and services.

1. What is the General Price List (GPL)?

A General Price List (GPL) is an itemized list of the goods and services provided by the funeral home, including their associated cost. The GPL allows you and the funeral professional to openly talk about the goods and services that are best for you and your family. The GPL includes the cost for many different items and services, including but not limited to:

  • Basic service
  • Preparation of the body (embalming, dressing, casketing, etc.)
  • Use of facilities and staff for various types of funeral services
  • Transportation
  • Burial options
  • Cremation options
  • Memorial packages
  • Urns
  • Outer burial containers (sometimes on a separate list from GPL)
  • Caskets (sometimes on a separate list from GPL)

2. What is the Funeral Rule?

In the funeral profession, funeral homes abide by the Funeral Rule, set in place by the Federal Trade Commission. These regulations allow the funeral home to provide you, the consumer, with certain rights and privileges. The Funeral Rule allows you to:

Choose what goods and services you want.

Personalization is key to a healing and meaningful funeral, and funeral professionals are willing to work with you to select the options that are best for you and your family.

Call for pricing information.

Sometimes you just don’t know which funeral home you want to partner with, so you call around. While the price is important, you should also take other factors into consideration, like location, reputation, facilities, and the services available. To learn more about choosing the best funeral home partner for you, read Top 10 Characteristics to Look for in a Funeral Home.

Review an itemized statement before payment.

Transparency is important. Both the GPL and the itemized statement are ways for the funeral home to open pathways for clear communication with you. After you choose which goods and services you want, they will provide you with an itemized statement so you know exactly what you’re getting.

Take home a price list for caskets and outer burial containers.

Before you make any decisions on a casket or outer burial container, you can peruse all the options available at the funeral home. Then, you can ask questions and discuss the best options with your family before making a decision.

Select an alternative container for cremation.

No longer must you use a casket for cremation. Now, you can use an alternative container, often made of unfinished wood, pressed wood, fiberboard, or cardboard. Just talk with your funeral professional for more details.

Purchase a casket or urn on your own.

While purchasing a casket or urn from the funeral home is the most convenient option and ensures that you receive a quality item, you can purchase these items from other places.

Elect to forego embalming.

With direct cremation or immediate burial, embalming isn’t necessary. If you select other services, speak with your funeral professional to determine if embalming is the best way to fulfill your wishes.

3. What is a basic service fee?

Simply put, the basic service fee is a set charge for the professional services of the funeral director and staff. This fee includes services provided by the funeral home, including conducting the arrangement conference, planning the services, obtaining permits and death certificates, preparing notices, and seeing to cemetery or crematory arrangements. This fee may also include overhead that hasn’t been allocated elsewhere.

4. What are cash advance items?

Cash advance items are funeral-related goods and services that must be purchased from a third-party vendor. In other words, a service that is not expressly provided by the funeral home. A great example is the publication of an obituary in a newspaper. It is the newspaper, not the funeral home, that determines the cost to print. For more information on cash advance items, make sure to read 9 Funeral Costs That Are Often Overlooked.

5. Why does the cost of a funeral vary so widely across the nation?

While there are many reasons, one of the primary reasons is the cost of real estate and property taxes. In some areas of the country, the cost of overhead is higher, and similar to how housing prices differ across the nation, so do funeral costs. Another factor is that costs are dependent on what merchandise you choose. An item that is made locally will cost less than an item that must be shipped across the country.

6. What do I need to know about cemetery costs?

First, you should know that funeral costs and cemetery costs are often separate. This is because, for the most part, funeral homes do not also own and operate cemeteries, unless they are a combination operation. If the cemetery is run by a different proprietor than your funeral home partner, the costs are separate.

Second, it’s helpful to know what cemetery costs typically entail. On the whole, cemetery costs will include the purchase of a plot, niche, or other designated final resting place on the cemetery grounds. In addition to the final resting place, the cost will also include the opening and closing of the grave as well as a fee for the perpetual care of the gravesite.

Taking the Next Step

Now that you have more information about funeral goods and services, the next step is deciding what to do with all that you’ve learned. More and more families have found that planning ahead for funeral wishes saves time, decreases stress, and allows families to spend more time grieving together at a time of loss. If you are interested in learning more about how to plan ahead, take a few minutes to check out the following articles:

10 Reasons to Plan Ahead

7 Elements of a Healing and Meaningful Funeral

6 Ways to Personalize a Funeral

10 Questions to Ask Before You Prepay Your Funeral

9 Preplanning Mistakes to Avoid

Jun 03

Walking a Child Through a Funeral: 9 Tips for Parents

By Explore Options, Living Well

Most of us dearly love our children and want to protect them from the difficult parts of life. But understanding that a funeral is a rite of passage and an important part of the grieving process is an important lesson to learn. Whether or not your child attends a funeral is entirely up to you. For many children, attending a funeral actually helps them move forward in their own grief process. However, as Dr. Kenneth Doka states, “One of the questions oft asked is whether, or at what age, children should attend funerals. The truth is that I am not the person to ask – ask the child!”

It’s important to determine whether your child is ready and to give them a choice. Forcing them to attend is usually not very successful, but you also don’t want to assume they wouldn’t want to go. Just like adults, children need an opportunity to say goodbye, so giving them a choice and preparing them ahead of time are important factors to consider.

The Funeral’s Purpose

Before making a decision, explain what a funeral is to your child. Having never attended one, they won’t know its purpose. Use simple, but truthful, answers. For example, “Remember I told you that Nana died? The funeral is a time for everyone – all of her friends and family – to sit and talk together and to remember her and share stories about her. All of us miss her, and at the funeral, we talk about what we liked about her and what we will miss about her. What do you remember about Nana? What will you miss about her?”

Breaking it down helps your child get an idea of what the funeral is so they can make an informed decision about whether to go or not. Don’t go into too much detail – keep it age appropriate and strive to use words that won’t scare them.

9 Tips for Helping Kids Through a Funeral

If your child decides to attend the funeral, it’s important to make sure they have the support they need. Remember, this is a completely new experience for them. Just as you sought to make the first day of school as easy and seamless as possible, do the same for a funeral. Talk through it and help them know what to expect.

Prepare them in advance

Just as adults feel more comfortable and better prepared when they know what to expect with a new experience, children do, too. Go through the process step by step. Discuss what your child will see (pews, religious symbols, flowers, casket, urn, the body of the deceased, black clothing, etc.). You don’t have to talk about everything at once – do it in small doses. The point is to put any anxiety to rest and prepare your child for a new experience. For more help with discussion topics, click here.

Explain what death is

Our natural desire is to protect our children from what we think could be harmful. Death is something each of us must come to understand, and it’s best for your child that the information come from you, their parent. Take your child’s age and maturity into account before having the discussion. Young children (under age 7) will understand basic concepts while an older child is able to understand more complexities. But in general, help them understand the physical aspect of death – the person’s body doesn’t work anymore, and they no longer need it. Depending on your spiritual beliefs, you can talk about what happens to the person’s soul after death. Be clear and simple, using the words dead and died. It’s better not to use euphemisms – your child needs to understand the reality. They will learn societal nuances later.

Let them know that their feelings are okay

Explain to your child that they will see a wide variety of emotions at the funeral. Many people will be sad, and that’s okay. It’s natural to be sad after someone dies. People may be quiet at the funeral service but laugh and tell stories at the reception or gathering. Make it clear to your child that their feelings are okay. If they want to cry, that’s fine. If they don’t, that’s fine, too.

Be attentive to their needs

Pay attention to their reactions and ask how they are feeling. While it’s important to let children learn how to process difficult events, it’s also good to give them the ability to escape. You (or a designated friend or relative) can take them outside or into the hallway for a quick break if the funeral or memorial service becomes overwhelming for them. Be attentive but let them go at their own pace. They may surprise you with how well they handle everything.

Ask if they want to remember the person in a special way

Depending on the relationship and your child’s temperament, it may be appropriate to ask if there’s a special way they want to honor the one who has died. Perhaps they might wear a certain color (the loved one’s favorite), tell a story, draw a picture to share or bury with the person, or bring an item that the loved one gave to them (like a toy, blanket, or article of clothing). Just as it’s important for us as adults to find special ways to honor the lives of those we love, it’s important for children.

Answer their questions

Answer their questions as best you can, honestly and without shaming them. By asking questions, they are processing the death and what it means. The questions will range from simple to more complex. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know” or “Let’s find out.” This helps them know that you also don’t know all the answers, and you can learn and process together.

Don’t force anything on them

While we all strive to teach our children obedience and how to follow our household rules, it’s best not to force things on a child at a funeral. This applies to many things. Don’t force them to go up to the casket to view the body or to touch the body. Don’t make them feel that they must share stories at the gathering or reception. Instead, ask them. Give them the opportunity to participate and the grace to stand back and observe.

Discuss your own feelings

Funerals bring out a wide variety of feelings: sadness, anger, relief, shock. Even for adults, emotions are difficult, so as children identify them and learn about them, it’s important that they have a role model: you. Tell them how you feel about the person who has died. Assure them that your and their feelings are normal and natural. By watching you in your grief, they learn how to handle their own.

Debrief with them

After the funeral, over the next days and weeks, ask your child questions about their experience. Check in to see how they are feeling and if they need to talk through anything they witnessed or didn’t understand. Encourage them to share how they are feeling. Let them know that you care about them and their feelings and are there for them, no matter what.

Ultimately, it’s about preparing them and guiding them through the hard things in life, so they can deal with them on their own in a healthy way.

For more in-depth information on topics to discuss with your children before the funeral, make sure to read 7 Key Topics to Discuss with Children Before a Funeral.

Apr 17

Exploring Your Release Ceremony Options

By Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Plan Ahead

Losing a loved one creates a painful hole in our hearts that we often don’t know how to fill. However, through the process of grief and mourning, we can come to grips with the loss we have suffered. At a funeral service, symbolic actions give mourners the opportunity to put their grief into action. Oftentimes, we don’t know what to do with our grief, so at times like these, we turn to the comfort of tradition and ritual. In this case, the ritual of a funeral. According to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, grief counselor, author, and educator, “Funerals are made up of a number of ritualistic physical actions, all of which give mourners a way to literally move through the funeral process (and thus through this difficult time of grief).”

Symbolic actions include walking through a receiving line at the visitation, kneeling and taking communion during the service, participating as a pallbearer, soloist, or reader, or taking part in the funeral procession to the final resting place.

In addition to these time-honored symbolic actions, the release ceremony has increased in popularity. Because funeral homes today work closely with families to create personalized, healing, and meaningful funerals, it is even easier to incorporate personal touches to funerals. These personalized elements leave family and friends feeling that their loved one was truly remembered and honored.

Many types of release ceremonies are possible. Below are the most common types:

Balloon Release

As part of a meaningful celebration of life, family and friends may wish to gather for a special time of remembrance with a balloon release. Releasing balloons helps us say goodbye, allowing us to experience greater healing as we “release” our emotions. To make it more personal, write messages of hope and love on the balloons before releasing them.

“There should be no fear of death, for the death of the body is but a gentle passing to a much freer life.” – Helen Greaves

Balloons are available in a wide range of colors, from elegant white to multicolored. Balloons should be biodegradable and safe for the environment.

Dove Release

Doves have always been a symbol of peace and hope. Many families choose to release doves at the graveside service, offering family and friends an image of the loved one’s spirit ascending to heaven. White doves remind us of the purity of the departed soul and the freedom of the spirit as our loved one returns home.

“Death is nothing else but going home to God, where the bond of love will be unbroken for all eternity.” – Mother Teresa

During the service, a poem or scripture is read and a number of doves, representing angels, are released. Next, a selected relative releases a single white dove, which joins the angels and is escorted to heaven.

Butterfly Release

Releasing butterflies is a beautiful expression of the transformation of the soul as we go from one life to the next. When a humble caterpillar transforms into a beautiful butterfly, other earth-bound caterpillars no longer recognize it. In the same way, though we may no longer see our loved one, their spirit lives on.

“A caterpillar dies and a butterfly is born; nevertheless, the two are one.” – Anonymous

Butterflies can be released from a single decorative box at an opportune time during an outdoor service. As an alternative, it is possible to arrange for each individual person to release a single butterfly from an origami box.

Lantern Release

A lantern release is a loving expression of release and hope. In the Eastern tradition, mourners light and release paper lanterns into the sky, believing that the lantern will guide their loved one’s spirit to final rest. Alternatively, floating lanterns can be released in remembrance of a loved one. By writing special notes on them, mourners can send messages of love with their loved one’s spirit.

“The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity.” – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Lanterns are available in a variety of colors. You could select your loved one’s favorite color. Alternatively, you can make many colors available and ask guests to select one that is significant to them. Either way, the act will be meaningful to all who participate.

If you are preplanning your own funeral or are planning a funeral for a loved one and would like to incorporate a release ceremony, speak to your funeral director about your options. Some states may not allow certain types of releases. Your funeral professional will know how to proceed so that you can honor your loved one’s life in a way that is personalized, healing, and meaningful for all.

Apr 03

10 Reasons to Plan Ahead

By Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

A funeral is an important event for those who have lost someone loved. It’s a time to gather together, to honor the memory of the one who has died, to acknowledge the reality of death, to personally grieve, and to hopefully begin a healthy grief journey. Putting together a meaningful and healing funeral service is important to the grief process for those left behind and cannot be understated.

By planning ahead, you can ensure that your funeral is exactly what your grieving family will want and need. But perhaps you are skeptical about planning ahead. It may be something you’ve thought about doing, but you just don’t know how to get started. What does preplanning entail? Why should you do it? How does it benefit you or those you love? To learn more, let’s review ten reasons why you should consider planning ahead for your funeral wishes:

1. Planning Ahead Provides Peace of Mind to All Involved

Typically, the first few days after a loss are hazy and can feel like a dark cloud has descended. And in the midst of this emotional stress, the details of a funeral service are planned. Imagine if you could alleviate the burden that will fall on your loved ones to plan and pay for your funeral services. You can! Planning ahead is a gift of love that brings great peace of mind.

2. Planning Ahead Gives You Time to Create a Meaningful and Healing Celebration of Life

Planning ahead gives you and your family members (if you choose to invite them into the process) time to plan a meaningful funeral service. Without the time constraints associated with immediate need, you can thoughtfully plan and prepare a funeral service (burial or cremation) that will fulfill your wishes and meet the emotional needs of your family. A thoughtfully planned funeral service is a healthy first step for the bereaved on their individual grief journeys.

3. Planning Ahead Ensures That Your Wishes Are Known

If you have specific wishes for your funeral service, prearranging allows you to share those wishes with your family. And, if you elect to also pay for the funeral in advance (there are several ways), you are even more likely to ensure that your wishes are carried out. The funeral home will work with you to determine which options best fit your wishes, your budget, and your family’s needs.

4. Planning Ahead Saves You Money

It’s not uncommon for families to overspend when a loved one dies. Often, the family wants “only the best” for their loved one or their financial decisions are clouded by grief. This is why it’s a good idea to plan ahead. You make financial decisions with a clear, rational mind rather than one affected by emotional strain. In this way, you can control the ending budget for the cost of your funeral. By doing this, you can save your family money in the long run.

5. Planning Ahead Protects Against Inflation

Many funeral homes will guarantee in writing that the funeral services and merchandise that are itemized on your contract will be covered by your plan’s benefits at the time of death. Of course, this is only possible if you decide to prepay for your funeral expenses. If your funds are placed in a prepaid funeral plan, the growth on your plan could have certain tax advantages.

6. Planning Ahead Secures and Protects Your Funeral Funds

If you decide to prefund as well as preplan your funeral arrangements, you can ensure that the funds to pay for the funeral are secure and protected. The most secure way to protect the funds is through a prepaid funeral insurance policy, but there are other ways to prefund a funeral. There will be pros and cons to each one. As you research your options, you can determine which type is best suited to your individual needs.

7. Planning Ahead May Help You Qualify for Medicaid Coverage

This is commonly called “Medicaid spend down,” and refers to the process of divesting your assets down to an amount that makes you eligible for Medicaid coverage for long-term care. If you place your burial funds (for services provided by the funeral home) and burial space items (merchandise and items associated with burial of the body) into an irrevocable contract, then whatever funds you place in the contract will be considered exempt assets for Medicaid purposes.

8. Prepaid Funeral Funds Are Available Immediately

If you decide to set up a prepaid funeral policy, the funds are immediately available when the need for them arises. The funds can be set up to transfer directly to the funeral home. By doing it this way, you avoid probate court and unexpected delays. If you decide to use a life insurance policy to pay for your funeral expenses, it may be six to eight weeks before the funds are available.

9. Consultations with a Preplanning Specialist Are Free

When you partner with a funeral home, a qualified funeral preplanning specialist will work with you to iron out all the details for your funeral wishes. They will educate you on all the options that are available to you. With their depth of knowledge and experience, they will help you make informed decisions regarding your plans. And best of all, their assistance is free!

10. Our Tomorrows Aren’t Guaranteed

We don’t know what the future holds. But we can be certain of one thing – none of us are promised tomorrow. Denying the reality of death doesn’t make it less true. In many ways, the most loving thing we can do is take care of as much as possible in advance. The future may be uncertain, but by planning ahead, you can make a difference in the lives of your loved ones.

Mar 11

10 Questions to Ask Before You Prepay Your Funeral

By Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

A recent study by the Funeral and Memorial Information Council found that nearly 70% of adults over the age of 40 say they would prefer to prearrange their own funeral. However, only 17% had done so. If you are like most adults, you agree that preplanning and prepaying for your funeral wishes is a good idea, but you just don’t know how to get started. As with any financial decision, you probably have questions about the long-term benefits for you and your family. Planning ahead can be an incredible gift of love to those you care about, when it is done correctly. With that in mind, here are a few questions you might consider asking as you work with a licensed funeral planning specialist.

10 Questions to Ask When Prepaying a Funeral

1. How safe are my funeral funds going to be?

Your funds will not go directly to the funeral home. For your safety, the law requires that your payment(s) go to a third-party insurance company or trust account to manage the funds. For example, do not give a blank check to any agent. Your payments should go directly to a third-party rather than an individual.

Before signing anything, look into the safety, stability, and performance of the insurance company or funeral trust account. Do they have a good rating by an independent rating company? Do they have a sound financial outlook? What is their reputation? Does it seem likely that they will be in business for years to come? You don’t want to commit to a prepaid funeral insurance policy or funeral trust unless you have confidence that your funds will be in safe hands. If you are not comfortable with the funding options available, request an alternate option.

2. Can I qualify for a prepaid funeral plan if I have health issues?

There are two standard ways to prepay for a funeral: a funeral insurance policy or a funeral trust. Most funeral insurance policies require you to answer a few basic health questions (funeral trusts do not ask health questions). Your answers to the health questions will determine the type of coverage you are eligible for. In most cases, your health status will not prevent you from setting up a prepaid funeral plan that is right for your situation.

To get specific details about the plans you qualify for health-wise, it’s best to speak with your funeral provider. They can give you more details about the funeral insurance policies that you are eligible to receive or how to set up a funeral trust. In general, some funeral insurance policies are easier to qualify for but offer no insurance protection in case death occurs before your payments are complete. Other plans offer limited insurance for accidental death only, but after a certain amount of time, the policy converts to a fully insured plan that covers the full cost of your plan should you die before payments are complete. Another possible option is a fully-insured policy that covers your plan 100% from day 1 and requires a few basic health qualifications to be met.

Again, your funeral provider can give you more details about funeral trusts, or the funeral insurance policy you are eligible to receive based on your honest answers to the health questions.

3. Can I cancel my funeral insurance policy or trust?

When planning ahead for funeral costs, it’s important to understand the terms of your contract should you decide to cancel at a later date. For a funeral insurance policy, in most states, there is an initial cancellation period. During this period, you can cancel your funeral policy for a full refund within a certain time frame, usually between 3 and 30 days. After the cancellation period passes, your ability to cancel will depend on whether the policy is revocable or irrevocable.

Revocable policies

With a revocable policy, you can cancel the plan at any time to receive the cash value of the policy. Keep in mind that depending on the type of policy you have, you may get back less than the amount you paid in. It’s a good idea to talk to a customer service representative at the insurance company to understand all of your options before canceling your plan.

Irrevocable policies

With an irrevocable policy, you cannot cancel the plan. An irrevocable funeral plan is usually used when an individual wants to spend down funds for Medicaid qualification by creating a Medicaid-exempt asset. Essentially, Medicaid does not consider an irrevocable plan as part of a person’s countable assets. To learn more about how irrevocable plans work, go to Medicaid Qualification Rules and How to Spend Down with a Burial Plan.

Funeral trusts

You can also set up a funeral trust as an irrevocable plan to help you qualify for Medicaid. However, revocable trusts are a little different. If you decide to cancel a revocable trust, the amount of your refund will vary from state to state. In some states, a canceled trust may be subject to penalties and the funeral home may have the right to retain a certain percentage of the trust funds. In other states, the beneficiary is entitled to a 100% refund of principal and interest. Always be sure to speak to your funeral provider or a customer service representative before canceling a trust so that you have all the information you need to make a good financial decision.

4. Can the funeral home guarantee any prices in my funeral contract?

Many funeral providers offer guarantees on funeral goods, services, and merchandise provided by the funeral home with a prepaid funeral plan. This usually means that, according to your agreement, the funeral home accepts the death benefit as payment for the price of the items included in the guarantee at the time of death.

For example, let’s assume your funeral options today add up to $6,500. In 20 years, you can expect the cost of those same or equivalent options to have risen by an estimated 2% per year to approximately $9,000. With a price guarantee, the funeral home will accept the policy’s death benefit as payment in full, even if the benefits are less than the then-current funeral cost. And, if inflation doesn’t grow as expected, in most states, the family will receive a refund of any excess death benefits over the then-current price. Guarantees work differently from state to state, so be sure to check the terms of your contract to understand what will happen in case the death benefit is above or below the funeral prices at the time of loss.

Remember, not all states or funeral homes offer a guarantee and not all items are eligible for a guarantee. Additionally, some funeral homes include an added charge to guarantee items. Ensure that you understand what items, if any, are guaranteed and what items are not.

5. How often will I receive correspondence from my account administrator?

Before you sign a prepaid funeral contract, make sure that you read and fully understand the entire document. Once you’ve signed, you will receive a copy of the contract for your records. Also, when the administrating financial institution receives the funds, you will get an acknowledgment letter.

From there, the amount of correspondence you receive depends on the insurance company and/or financial institution and their practices. Some will send a privacy notice when you first sign up, though not all will do so. Some trust accounts will send you annual 1099’s on the growth of your account. In our technological times, the best way to keep up with your account is to register with the company’s website if possible and keep track of your payments there. Alternatively, if you request paper billing statements, you will see your balance on the statement when it arrives every month.

6. Are there any funeral expenses that cannot be included in my funeral contract with the funeral home?

Absolutely not, you can include anything in your plan. However, for Medicaid qualification purposes, only “normal and customary” funeral expenses will be considered exempt assets. Keep in mind, too, that certain items in your plan may involve a third-party provider and are not typically eligible for a price guarantee. These are usually referred to as cash advance items because the payment is advanced to a third-party providing a service, such as a cemetery, florist, newspaper, caterer, or police escort. Because a third party determines the cost of these items, the funeral home cannot typically guarantee them in a contract. However, you can set aside money within your plan for cash advance items. Or, you can let your family know that these expenses will not be covered within your plan. Communication with your family is the key to avoiding unexpected surprises during a time of loss.

7. If I move, can I transfer my funeral contract to another funeral home?

It’s important to understand what your options are if you move away or need to transfer your plan. In most cases, you should have no issues transferring a funeral insurance policy or funeral trust to another funeral home. However, any price guarantees or discounts from your original contract may not carry over. If you are interested in a transfer, ask the funeral home of your choice to review your policy.

8. What happens if my prepaid funeral plan hasn’t been paid in full at the time of death?

It depends. With a fully-insured policy, your family will typically receive full death benefits regardless of whether your plan was paid up. However, even fully-insured plans are contestable in the first two years. In cases of suicide or fraudulent information on the application, full benefits will not be paid.

In general, accidental death is fully covered even by limited benefit insurance policies. If the policy has no insurance coverage, your next of kin will receive the current death benefit of the plan. If any expenses still remain, the surviving family members must cover the cost. Funeral trust accounts do not have accidental death or full coverage benefits.

9. Is it possible to make changes to my funeral contract?

If your funeral contract allows it, you can make changes to the goods and services you originally selected. You cannot make changes to the final disposition (burial or cremation). Should you want to change your final disposition, you must cancel your contract and start over. If you want to make changes to your funeral contract, discuss which changes can be made with your funeral provider. Please note, changing your preferences on an irrevocable plan does not mean you can remove money from the plan.

10. How do I file a claim?

To file a claim, contact the funeral home listed on your agreement. The funeral home can proceed with filing the claim on behalf of your family. If your family wishes to transfer the policy or trust to another funeral home, that should not be a problem. If your family has questions, your next of kin may contact the administrator of your account for information.

As you decide what questions to ask, the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) is also an excellent resource. On their website, they list the important components to look for when signing a prepaid funeral contract. To learn more, click here.

*Also, keep in mind: your next of kin can make changes to the funeral contract after your death in order to meet the needs of surviving family members, unless your state law prevents such changes.

Feb 14

5 Reasons Why People Don’t Plan Ahead for Funeral Wishes

By Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

Life is full of to-do lists, errands, activities, hobbies, and gatherings. While many of these things bring us great joy, some of them simply need doing. While we may not relish taking 10 minutes out of our day to fill up the gas tank, it must be done. For many, planning ahead for funeral wishes is one of those things we just keep putting off. Based on a recent survey by the FAMIC (Funeral and Memorial Information Council), 89% of Americans (40+ years old) feel that a discussion about their end-of-life wishes would be meaningful, but only 17% had actually made arrangements. So, what is it that keeps us from planning ahead for funeral wishes?

5 Reasons Why People Don’t Plan Ahead for Funeral Wishes

1. “I’m too young.”

While it is true that you may be in your prime and have many years left to enjoy and fill with lasting memories, this is not a good reason to put off planning. After all, none of us actually know the number of our days. Even if you don’t sit down with a funeral professional to go over all your options or set up a prepaid funeral plan, you can: 1) write down your wishes and let an emergency contact know where they are, and 2) start saving now for when the need arises. We have not yet found a way to live forever, and unless we do, one day your family will need to know your wishes.

2. “I don’t have the money.”

Did you know that it costs you nothing to preplan for funeral wishes? If you choose a funeral home partner, a knowledgeable staff member will sit down with you, free of charge, to review all of your options. As you review your options and determine what’s right for you and your family, you can get an accurate idea of what the funeral will actually cost. (However, keep in mind, costs will increase over time.) This information will help you when you determine how the funeral will one day be paid for. Even if you decide not to pre-pay for a funeral, ask a funeral professional about their offerings. You may find a better deal than you expected!

3. “I’m too busy.”

Life does have a tendency to pull us in many different directions. As with many things, we just have to make time for the things that matter. If we see the value in something, we make time for it. Take exercise or higher education or work. We see the value in them, so we make time for them. Planning ahead for funeral wishes is a valuable use of your time. It gives you a chance to figure out how you want to be remembered while also giving your loved ones a special gift of love – the knowledge that they have honored and remembered you as you desired. Knowing your wishes takes a lot of pressure off surviving family members during a time of pain and distress.

4. “I don’t want to think about my own death.”

This may be more of a subconscious reason. In our everyday lives, we don’t really want to think about death, and that is perfectly natural. However, we can’t avoid the inevitable. Someday, each of us will die. Isn’t it better to be prepared? We plan ahead for many life events – weddings, parties, vacations, family visits, and so on. Many of us even prepare for the possibility of unexpected things by purchasing auto, home, or fire insurance. Doesn’t it make sense to plan ahead for an event that you know will happen? Especially if, by recording your funeral wishes, you can give your family members peace of mind that everything is taken care of?

5. “Someone else will do it.”

This is true. Someone else could do it. You could leave everything to your surviving family members. But, ultimately, you’re the one who knows you best and can make the best decisions. Do you have a preference for burial or cremation? Will your loved ones highlight the stories that you would want highlighted? If you do prefer cremation, would you prefer urn burial or scattering or some other option? Making all of these decisions while also mourning a loss puts an emotional strain on surviving family members. On top of that, they will never know if they did the right thing. Yes, someone else could do it, but doing most of the decision-making for them is a much better option.

The Value of Planning Ahead

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, nationally-recognized grief counselor and educator, has walked alongside thousands of grieving families. Because of this experience, he knows the value of the funeral and the impact it has on those left behind to mourn. He has found that there are six needs of mourning, and the funeral is the key to beginning the grief journey on the right foot.

In his own words: “The reconciliation needs of mourning are the six needs that I believe to be the most central to healing in grief.  In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”

The reality is that by putting together a full plan – or just by putting your general wishes in writing – you increase the likelihood that your family will find peace of mind during a trying time. Not only that, but you create a personalized service that honors your life the way you want. After all, one of the key aspects of a healing and meaningful funeral is personalization. Your life is unique and worth remembering. Help your family do it well. It’s never too early to plan ahead, though it could be too late.

For more information on how to create a meaningful and healing funeral, take a few moments to read the following articles:

Why is the Funeral Ritual Important?

Why Do We Have Funerals? (video)

7 Elements of a Healing and Meaningful Funeral

Helping Your Family Personalize a Funeral

6 Ways to Personalize a Funeral