Oftentimes, we may only think about grief’s impact on our own personal lives, our family members, or our closest friends. But grief can enter other places we inhabit – like the workplace. If you’re a manager or are paying attention to your co-workers’ moods and habits, at some point you will likely see a colleague struggling with grief. If this happens, you may feel unsure about how you can help. Here are a few suggestions for how to appropriately express support to a grieving colleague in the workplace.
Tip #1: Be Patient
If you are a manager, being patient with your grieving employee is particularly important. On average, Americans receive 3-4 days of bereavement leave in the aftermath of a loss. After this short period of time, employees are expected to return to work and fully engage in their assigned tasks. However, the stress of losing a loved one and returning to work so quickly may feel overwhelming. In a study on grief’s effects on job performance, 75% of participants claimed they experienced concentration difficulties that extended beyond the period of paid leave.
If you notice that a direct report isn’t adjusting well after a loss, you may want to consider providing more paid leave. If this isn’t an option, make sure he or she feels safe and comfortable in the work environment. Be patient with the employee, communicate your sympathy, and consider temporarily reassigning any tasks or projects that require a high level of creativity or energy.
If you are a co-worker, also try to extend patience and kindness to the grieving person. If they forget a few things or seem to be unfocused, bring them back to the task at hand with kindness.
Tip #2: Say Something
One of the most discouraging things about grief is that people tend to shy away from the person who is sad. This reaction is problematic because hurting people need support from those around them.
If you don’t know what to say to a colleague, be honest about your uncertainty, and consider communicating something like this: “I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry for your loss. If you need anything or if I can help with (fill in the blank), let me know.”
Try to be specific in your offer to help, especially if you can take point on a project or relieve some of the stress they feel. Of course, you can always help in other ways, like providing a meal, donating to a special cause on their behalf, or leaving a card or a small, simple sympathy gift on their desk. Any small gesture could make a world of difference and make your colleague feel understood and supported at work.
Tip #3: Focus on the Mourner’s Grief
When someone is grieving, try to keep the focus on their loss, not your own losses. In an effort to connect, you may be tempted to talk about your own losses. Most of the time, this tendency isn’t helpful. While you may have lost someone dear to you, the focus right now should be on your colleague’s loss. Attempts at grief identification (trying to equate your loss with theirs) may communicate to others that you are assuming that you know how they feel, which can be seen as presumptuous and offensive.
For many people, the challenge is to avoid giving too much advice or easy answers. There’s nothing wrong with offering support or a word of encouragement but avoid telling the person what to do or how to feel. Platitudes or cliches tend to minimize the other person’s pain and send the wrong message.
If you are tempted to “make it better” by telling them that their loved one is in a better place or they are at least no longer in pain, don’t do it. Let your colleague tell you how they feel. For your part, listen and express your sympathy and support. No advice you give is going to fix a person’s situation, but you can offer genuine help and care.
If you aren’t sure what to say, check out “What Should I Say to Someone Who is Grieving?”
Tip #4: Check In Occasionally
For the first few weeks after loss, mourners typically receive an abundance of support and help. As time goes by, the shock and numbness wear off, but that’s when the reality sets in. Their loved one is not coming back. Make sure to check in every few months and genuinely ask, “How are you holding up?”
Don’t assume they are “strong” because they are doing well at work. Allow them to tell you how they are coping and talk about their loved one by name. The sweetest sound to a mourner’s ears is usually the name of their loved one being remembered by others.
Regardless of the specifics of the situation, losing a loved one is hard. But the pain of loss can be compounded by the stressful demands of the workplace. Those who are obligated to return to work soon after a loss are particularly vulnerable to stress and work frustration. As a work colleague, it’s important to take steps to make a grieving co-worker feel comfortable and supported.
