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christy.kessler

Oct 09
Love0

10 Traditional Jewish Funeral Customs

By Educational, History of Funerals

Every culture and religion have their own traditions and rituals surrounding the funeral, and the Jewish faith is no different. Today, let’s discuss 10 traditional Jewish funeral customs and their purpose and significance to the millions of people who follow Judaism. However, please note that there are several different movements within Judaism, which means their customs will vary a bit. But regardless of the branch of Judaism, Jewish funeral customs follow a strong set of beliefs tied closely to the Torah.

Jewish prayer shawl

1. Taharah (Preparation of the Body)

In accordance with Jewish custom, the deceased’s body is washed, purified, and dressed after death (but not embalmed). This ritual washing is called taharah. Traditionally, women will complete taharah for women and men for men.

After the washing is complete, the body is often dressed in a plain ceremonial shroud (called a tachrichim). In some cases, the deceased may be buried in a kittel, which is a white garment worn on High Holidays or at weddings. For men, a prayer shawl and religious skullcap (or yarmulke) are also included.

2. Shemira (Watching Over the Deceased)

As a sign of respect and kindness, the deceased is never left alone from the time of death until services are complete. This practice of watching over or guarding the deceased is called shemira, and the person guarding the deceased is called a shomer.

This responsibility can be shared and taken in shifts. Often, it’s family members, friends, or members of the synagogue who step in to serve as shomrim. During shemira, comforting psalms can be read aloud with the intention of bringing comfort to both the spirit of the departed and that of the shomer.

Jewish memorial marker with remembrance stones

3. K’vurah B’karka (Ground Burial)

Traditionally, burial takes place within 24 hours of death, but in some Jewish movements, more time is allowed. However, burial does still take place as soon as possible. In many cases, the funeral is held at the graveside, though it could also occur at the funeral home or synagogue.

The service may be brief and simple, designed to honor the loved one and to allow an opportunity to offer condolences to the family. There may also be readings, eulogies, and the recitation of prayer.

If you are a non-Jew and would like to know what to expect at a Jewish burial, make sure to read “Jewish Funeral Etiquette: What to Expect as a Non-Jew.”

4. Kriah (Tearing or Rending of the Garment)

Following the death of a loved one, immediate family members will often wear a black ribbon. This ribbon is torn as an outward sign of personal pain and grief. Orthodox Jews may choose to tear their clothing (often the collar), while Reform Jews tear the black ribbon instead. The tearing most often occurs before the funeral ceremony in a private room with only immediate family members present.

The torn ribbon or garment is then worn during shiva, but not on Shabbat or Festival Days. Traditional Jews may continue to wear the torn garment through the 30 days of shloshim. (We will discuss shiva and shloshim in more detail shortly.)

Wooden casket

5. Levayah (Accompany the Deceased)

Similar to a non-Jewish funeral procession, Jewish mourners accompany the deceased to the final resting place. This action affirms that those who love the deceased are still and forever joined together. It is also thought that the soul of the departed is comforted by the presence of their loved ones during the transition from one life to another.

Because burial is perhaps the most important part of the Jewish funeral, mourners should make every effort to participate in levayah and the graveside service.

6. Seudat Havra’ah (Meal of Condolence)

After burial, the meal of condolence typically takes place at the synagogue or the home of the bereaved. Friends, neighbors, or extended family members provide a meal that often includes lentils, hard-boiled eggs, and bread. In Judaism, these foods are associated with mourning or with life itself. Other simple and easily digestible foods may also be included in the consolation meal.

Hard-boiled eggs, a common part of the meal of condolence

7. Shiva (Week of Mourning)

Shiva is the first seven days after the funeral – a mourning period where the deceased’s family stays at home and receives guests. Traditionally, shiva begins immediately after the burial and is a time to acknowledge any feelings of grief and sadness. Today, many families observe only one or two days of traditional shiva rather than the full seven.

During shiva, the bereaved family will recite prayers and reflect on their loss. Guests offering condolences often bring kosher meals as a gift to feed the family and their visitors.

Throughout shiva, personal grooming and physical intimacy are not allowed. Mirrors are also covered to encourage mourners to focus on the deceased and not on personal appearance. These actions symbolize the disruption that death brings and demonstrate grief through self-sacrifice.

8. Shloshim (First 30 Days of Mourning)

Directly following shiva, there is a 30-day period of mourning called shloshim. During this time, the bereaved family will go back to their normal routines, but they will continue to recite prayers and daily hymns. Some Jews may choose to wear the torn black garment or ribbon from the kriah ritual. Additionally, it’s common to refrain from haircuts, shaving, and attending social or even religious events.

Some families may choose to end shloshim with a special service where mourners speak about the deceased. Also, if there is to be a public memorial service, it often occurs after the conclusion of shloshim.

Lit candle of remembrance

9.  Yahzreit (Anniversary of the Death)

Every year, on the anniversary of the deceased’s death, the family lights a candle and leaves it to burn for 24 hours. This is an act of remembrance and helps the family on the grief journey.

It’s common practice to recite Jewish prayers or to attend synagogue services. Other families may choose to share a song, place a picture of the lost loved one nearby, recite the Mourner’s Kaddish, or visit the grave of the deceased.

10. Hakamat Ha-Matzeivah (Unveiling Ceremony)

Approximately one year after the funeral, the family gathers at the gravesite for the unveiling of the gravestone. There’s often a brief service, which may include readings and recitations, a few words about the deceased, and the unveiling itself. The presence of a rabbi is not required, but some families may choose to include one in the planning and facilitation of the ceremony.

Hopefully you now have a deeper and better understanding of the beauties of Jewish funeral traditions. Again, these customs will vary a bit depending on whether a person practices Orthodox Judaism, Reform Judaism, or one of the other movements. But overall, the heart behind the Jewish funeral tradition is to respect the deceased in every way possible and support the grieving family as they mourn the loss of someone dearly loved.

Oct 04
Love0
Woman in mustard yellow cardigan sitting at table, signing documents

Understanding the Living Will & Why It Matters

By Educational, Estate Planning

When planning ahead for the future (even the far future), it’s important to make sure you cover all the bases. That means making decisions about your physical estate, digital estate, funeral plans, and medical care preferences. Today, we’ll discuss the living will and how it helps your family understand your treatment preferences in a medical emergency or life-threatening situation.

Black stethoscope laying on paperwork that says "Living Will Declaration"

What is a Living Will?

First, let’s define the term “living will.” Sometimes confused with the “last will and testament,” the living will has a separate purpose: to communicate your preferences regarding life-prolonging medical treatment. Essentially, the living will spells out the medical treatments you would or would not want used to keep you alive. It provides direction on life-prolonging procedures, treatment for terminal conditions, and vegetative state conditions.

For example, if a person has no brain function after a serious car accident, they might not want to be kept alive with a ventilator. The living will is the document where that person would indicate they do not want a ventilator used to prolong their life under these circumstances.

You can create a living will at any age. And the living will only comes into play if you are in a life-threatening situation and are incapacitated and unable to make decisions for yourself. If you are awake and coherent, the doctors will ask you directly about your care and not consult the living will.

Asian man in brown jacket sitting at a table while opening an envelope with papers inside

Why Would I Create a Living Will?

In cases where a person is unconscious or incapacitated (coma, dementia, brain damage) and is suffering from a terminal illness or life-threatening injury, doctors consult the living will. However, if there’s no living will available, all medical care questions are posed to the spouse, family members, or designated healthcare proxy.

The main reasons to have a living will are four-fold:

  1. Make your medical preferences known to your family, loved ones, and doctors
  2. Relieve your family from having to make difficult medical decisions on your behalf
  3. Reduce confusion or disagreements regarding your medical care
  4. Protect your loved ones from the emotional toll of taking on the responsibility of deciding your life or death

By creating a living will, you decide what’s best for you. In a sense, even in a dire situation, you can still control what happens to you.

Two men reviewing living will documents together

What Medical Decisions Should I Address in the Living Will?

You can address whatever medications or treatments you want in the living will, but here are some things you should consider mentioning:

As you consider your options, remember that you are only recording your wishes for emergency medical situations where you are incapacitated or unable to make decisions yourself.

If you aren’t sure what the pros and cons are of each type of treatment, schedule time with your primary care physician to discuss the implications of each. Also, try not to make decisions without input from others. Include your spouse, partner, or close family members in the discussion.

Man and woman sitting at home and reviewing documents together

How Do I Write a Living Will?

Many states provide a template you can use to record your medical care preferences, but if that isn’t an option, contact an estate planning attorney. They will be familiar with your state’s specific laws and can ensure all your bases are covered.

However, here are a few things to keep in mind as you consider writing a living will:

  • Think about your personal values. Would you want treatment only if a cure were possible? Do you want medical professionals to do everything they can to save your life?
  • Consider your family’s wishes about each type of medical treatment.
  • Take your religious beliefs into account. For some people, religious tenets may dictate the types of care they choose to receive.
  • Many states require you to sign the living will before witnesses or a notary. Talk with an estate planning attorney or familiarize yourself with your state’s requirements.
  • List your healthcare proxy’s name and contact information if you have one. This person makes medical decisions on your behalf, using your living will as a guide. Click here to learn more about how to set up a healthcare proxy.
  • Your living will must be in writing to be legally valid.
  • If you choose to use a living will template, make sure to download the one intended for your state.

As you consider what to include in your living will, remember that you won’t think of every possible medical emergency. Instead of trying to plan for every scenario, address what you can and trust your healthcare proxy or your family’s judgment regarding any unexpected scenarios.

Older woman in bright orange sweater sitting at table, signing a legal document

What Do I Do with My Living Will Once It’s Complete?

Once your living will is signed and witnessed, it’s time to distribute it to all the pertinent people. You will want to:

  • Keep the original in a safe but easily accessible place.
  • Give a copy to your primary care physician.
  • Give a copy to your healthcare proxy if you have one.
  • Discuss your medical decisions with family if you haven’t already.
  • Consider carrying a wallet-sized card that indicates you have a living will and identifying your healthcare proxy by name and contact information.
  • Keep a copy with you when you are traveling.

How Long Does a Living Will Last?

It lasts until you cancel it. To cancel it, all you need to do is destroy all current copies. Make sure that any copies you gave to family members, doctors, or anyone else are destroyed and replaced.

Mature couple sitting down with attorney to discuss and sign legal documents

Can I Change or Revoke My Living Will?

Absolutely! Once a living will is signed, it goes into effect. However, if you want to make changes or revoke it, destroy all copies of the old living will and replace them with your new, updated documentation.

It’s always a good idea to review your living will occasionally, especially if something in your life has changed. For example, have you received a new diagnosis? That might affect how you feel about certain medical treatments. Have you married or divorced? You might want to update your healthcare proxy.

A good rule of thumb is to review your living will every ten years or so. Not only might your personal circumstances have changed, but your stance on certain medical treatments may have altered.

Signing a document, focus on paper and pen

Can My Living Will be Broken or Ignored?

Yes, it can. If you designate a healthcare proxy, that person has the authority to make medical decisions on your behalf and can go against your wishes. This is why choosing someone you trust as your healthcare proxy is important.

Also, your living will can be ignored if it is deemed invalid. For example, if you didn’t get the proper signatures or any previous living wills weren’t destroyed, your current directives may not be followed.

However, if you follow your state’s laws and choose a healthcare proxy you can trust, you should have no problems.

If I Move to Another State, Should I Update My Living Will?

The short answer – maybe. If you decide to move to another state, it would be best to consult an attorney on whether you need to create a new living will. And if you split your time between two homes in different states, ask your attorney if it would be best to have a living will in each state. They can advise you on the best way forward.

Woman in mustard yellow cardigan sitting at table, signing documents

Do I Need a Doctor or a Lawyer to Review My Living Will?

Legally, you do not have to get input from a doctor or a lawyer, but it would be a good idea to do so if possible. They can offer insight from their respective fields and ensure everything is done well and correctly. All decisions are entirely in your hands, so if you disagree with your doctor, that’s fine. But sometimes, you don’t know what you don’t know, and it’s helpful to have an expert by your side.

If you have additional questions about the living will and its purpose in protecting your family and communicating your medical preferences in emergencies or life-threatening situations, contact a local estate planning attorney. They are the best source for accurate information on how to proceed with creating a living will.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary, so only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

Oct 01
Love0

3 Ways Halloween Can Trigger Grief

By Exclude from Top Posts, Grief/Loss

Grieving the loss of a loved one at any time of year is difficult, but holidays can be particularly difficult. While Halloween isn’t perhaps the most family-oriented holiday, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, it can still bring out complicated emotions. In many ways, Halloween can trigger grief in its own unique way. Let’s discuss 3 ways Halloween can trigger grief and what you can do to minimize the effects.

3 Ways Halloween Can Trigger Grief

Tombstone and skull Halloween decorations outside a home

Grief Trigger #1: The Imagery

While it’s usually meant in good fun, Halloween does lean heavily on dark and death-centric imagery. Tombstones, ghosts, grim reapers, the color black, witches, mummies, and the like all ground the holiday firmly in death and its cultural associations. For those who are grieving, the consistent reminders of death everywhere they go and the way the decorations often make light of the reality of death could be a grief trigger.

Woman with black hair sitting on couch, hugging a pillow close and pressing her face into it

Grief Trigger #2: The Focus on Fear and Death

Halloween is undeniably focused on fear and death with candy and costumes mixed in. After all, many people celebrate the holiday by watching scary movies, going to haunted houses, or decorating their home with gravestones and ghouls. For those who have recently lost a loved one, fear and death are not figurative; they are real. Halloween’s focus on these two topics may only intensify feelings of grief in the bereaved and make them feel at odds with society and possibly friends or family.

Mother and son looking at photo album, remembering a lost loved one

Grief Trigger #3: Reminders of a Lost Loved One

Just as with any holiday, there can be aspects of Halloween that trigger memories of the person who has died. Did they love Halloween? Did you find their last costume in the closet? Were they in charge of this year’s family costume? Missing out on cherished traditions can bring grief to the surface. For the grieving parent, there’s no Halloween costume to design for a beloved child this year. For the best friends who always sat down to watch the film Hocus Pocus every year, there’s now a missing piece of the holiday, which causes sadness to surface.

Now that you know these 3 possible grief triggers, what can you do to prepare yourself to face them throughout the Halloween season?

What Can You Do to Prepare Yourself for Halloween Grief Triggers?

Halloween pumpkin candy pail in the trash can

Consider Skipping Halloween This Year

While you can’t escape Halloween entirely, you can choose to personally skip the holiday this year. Avoid the section of the store where all the decorations are displayed. If you get a party invitation, choose not to attend. Set aside your costume-making skills for now. There’s nothing wrong with saying no, especially if it’s not going to benefit you. Listen to your feelings and do what is best for your emotional health and your grief journey.

Swap in Light-Hearted Activities

While other people are watching scary movies or experiencing jump-scares at a local haunted house, instead choose to focus on more light-hearted activities. Watch your favorite comedies. Go watch local improv theater. Bring peaceful colors and light into your home. While outside may be cemeteries and cobwebs, your home can be a haven from the grief triggers beyond your door.

Young woman laying on bed, writing in journal

Engage With Your Grief

If you are dealing with negative emotions and grief triggers around Halloween, take time out for self-care and to process your emotions. You can unpack your grief by talking with a trusted friend or writing down your feelings in a journal. You could also use your creativity to paint or build something that puts your grief into perspective or honors your loved one’s memory.

Look for Ways to Honor Your Loved One’s Memory

Whether you choose to participate in Halloween or not, you can look for ways to remember your loved one. Did they do a Halloween Fun Run? Participate in their honor. Did they always dress up as a character from The Office? Make your own costume in remembrance. There are so many things you can do to remember a loved one’s life and bring a little peace and comfort to your own heart.

Person leaving a remembrance candle at a loved one's final resting place

Visit Your Loved One’s Final Resting Place

There are many benefits to visiting a loved one’s grave, especially that it provides a place to connect with your loved one. While you can visit the graveside any time of year, it may be meaningful to do so when the connection between life and death is so culturally strong. Holidays like All Souls Day and Dia de los Muertos (both immediately following Halloween) focus on remembering loved ones. Instead of leaning into the cultural norms of Halloween, focus on the act of remembrance instead.

As you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for Halloween, may these suggestions help you navigate the complexities of your grief and find a way to honor your loved one’s life and memory at every time of year.

Sep 10
Love0

Why Does the Funeral Matter?

By Educational, Meaningful Funerals

Today, we live fast-paced lives focused on instant gratification, immediate responses, and constant stimulation. We fill our minds with a barrage of entertainment and distract ourselves with our devices. In such an environment, moments of silence are increasingly rare, and may even feel uncomfortable.

For many, having a funeral and honoring the sacred space of mourning feels foreign or inconvenient. We resist the idea of slowing down because if we slow down, we risk thinking about our own mortality, something we desperately wish to avoid. But despite our best efforts to minimize its impact, the funeral does matter. Let’s talk about why.

4 Reasons Why a Funeral Matters

Spray of white flowers on a casket at a funeral; pallbearers carrying casket

1. A funeral encourages us to respect the beauty of life

No matter how much we want to hide from it, avoid it, or try to get around it, death isn’t convenient. It’s painful. It forces us to consider the transience of life. It forces us to face our emotions. Dealing with death and loss is not supposed to be convenient or efficient. It takes time and intentionality to deal with death in a healthy way.

Going back to the earliest historical records, human beings have been using the funeral (in its various forms) to honor and remember the lives of loved ones. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or exhausting, but the service should give mourners time to reflect and grieve. With every life that is honored at its passing, we reaffirm the beauty and sanctity of life and the living.

Couple standing together, comforting each other, as they stand at a graveside service at a funeral

2. A funeral brings emotions to the surface and reduces the risk of complicated grief

If grief isn’t expressed at a time of loss, it has a way of coming back around later, sometimes with a vengeance. In some cases, unresolved grief can lead to complicated grief or even depression. Both of these mental health concerns are serious and require the assistance of a licensed mental health professional to overcome.

While ignoring grief may save you from short-term pain, it’s harmful in the end. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief educator and counselor, says:

“The pain of grief will keep trying to get your attention until you unleash your courage to gently, and in small doses, open to its presence. The alternative—denying or suppressing your pain—is in fact more painful. If you do not honor your grief by acknowledging it, it will accumulate and fester. So, you must ask yourself, ‘How will I host this loss? What do I intend to do with this pain? Will I befriend it, or will I make it my enemy?’”

By attending a funeral, memorial, or some type of service following the death of a loved one, you give yourself and other mourners a chance to release what’s pent up inside. When grief is allowed to be expressed in its proper time, complications tend to be reduced or alleviated.

Woman in black jacket holding an urn, remembering and honoring the life of a special person

3. A funeral provides the opportunity to say goodbye

In addition to reminding us about the sanctity of life and encouraging us to express ourselves, the funeral matters because it provides an opportunity to say goodbye. As human beings, we need some form of closure – some way to say goodbye and “I love you, I miss you” to those we have loved and lost.

The funeral provides an avenue for both family and friends to have that final opportunity to say what needs to be said, to see that special person’s face one more time, and to close the door on a beautiful chapter of life as they turn the page to see what the future holds. We all need to say goodbye, so we can face the challenges and changes of tomorrow.

Person in black jacket placing hand on a casket draped with an American flag

4. A funeral honors a loved one’s life and says they matter

And lastly, the funeral matters because your loved one’s life matters. Whether you do something simple or something elaborate, take time to celebrate who your loved one was. What did they enjoy doing? What were their lovable quirks? What did they mean to you? What are your favorite memories?

By adding customized stories and details to a final tribute, you get to say goodbye to them in a truly personal way. It’s not a hollow or meaningless service. It’s full of love, appreciation, remembrance, and a focus on the value your loved one brought to the world.

Woman holding white lilies at a funeral

What Does All This Mean?

So, what does all this mean? It means take time to slow down. Make time to mourn. You deserve the chance to express and work through your feelings. And your loved one deserves to have their life remembered and honored in a personal way.

While confronting death head-on can feel uncomfortable, respecting the dead makes us stronger people. We find greater resilience and the ability to navigate through the difficulties of life. At the funeral, we mourn. We come together and remember. In many ways, we forget our differences and heal old wounds. We honor sacred space and time, and we grow as individuals and as a society.

And remember, every funeral will look different. You can work with a trusted funeral professional to choose the type of service that best meets your loved one’s wishes and your family’s emotional needs. Whether that’s a formal Mass, a memorial service with cremated remains present, a graveside service, a celebration of life, or some other type of service entirely, the funeral matters because it helps you meaningfully honor, remember, and celebrate a unique person you deeply love.

Sep 09
Love0
Family member comforting a loved one who is experiencing depression; mature couple

Grief & Depression: What’s the Difference?

By Grief/Loss

After losing someone you love, you may experience a range of emotions, including sadness, confusion, disbelief, and perhaps even anxiety. But how do you know if you are experiencing normal grief or the beginnings of depression? Let’s talk about it.

Young man sitting on couch at home with hand on his face; experiencing grief & depression

What is Normal Grief?

Put simply, grief is your natural human response to the loss of someone or something you love. The emotions of grief vary greatly, but they are all normal responses to loss. As much as you may prefer not to feel or deal with these types of emotions, they are a healthy part of the grieving process.

The initial period of time just after a loss, when your emotions are unpredictable and you can’t concentrate on anything but the loss, is called acute grief. It’s the hard beginning of loss. However, in most cases, you soon move into integrated grief. This means that you have learned to accept the reality of the death, have found ways to cope and adapt to your new way of life, and have begun to hope again, finding renewed meaning and purpose in life. Moving from acute grief (initial feelings of loss) to integrated grief (a reconciliation to the loss) is a natural progression through the grief journey.

However, for some people, complications may arise, leading to either complicated grief or depression. (Click here to learn more about complicated grief.) But what is depression, how does it differ from grief, and how do you recognize it?

Mature woman sitting forlornly at home; looking out window; grief & depression

What is Depression?

According to the American Psychological Association, depression is “extreme sadness or despair that lasts more than days. Depression is the most common mental disorder. Fortunately, depression is treatable.”

In every source you look at, depression requires a diagnosis and does not appear to have an identifiable cause. It is a mental health concern that requires the assistance of a medical professional to diagnose and treat. This makes it quite different from grief – which is the emotional response you have to a loss – but how can you tell which is which? To help, let’s discuss symptoms to look out for with both grief and depression.

Man in khaki-colored clothing sitting quietly with cane

What Are the Symptoms?

To help you identify the difference between grief and depression, here’s a chart outlining similarities and differences between the two.

Who’s Susceptible to Grief & Depression?

Young woman sitting on couch with knees pulled to chest and arms crossed over knees; grief & depression

Grief

Every person on the planet is susceptible to grief and should consider it a healthy and natural response to loss. So, if you are experiencing grief, consider it good even when it doesn’t feel like it. Experiencing grief means that you are reacting normally to a death or other significant loss in your life. When you try to shut down or shut out grief, that’s where problems can arise. Instead, by facing the emotions you feel and the circumstances before you, you can begin to process what’s happened and take back some of the control you lost following the loss.

Depression

While anyone can experience depression, there are certain factors that increase the odds. (Note: These factors do not make depression inevitable; they just make you more susceptible.)

According to the World Health Organization, these factors include a history of abuse, severe losses in life, traumatic events, genetics, certain medications, age, and even gender. Women are more likely than men to experience depression, and there’s a higher percentage of depression in adults ages 60+. Again, anyone can experience depression at any point in their life, but if you fall into any of these specific categories, make sure you are honestly evaluating yourself when difficult events arise in your life. Identifying the early stages of depression will help you address it and move forward more quickly.

Should You Seek Help?

Older man in blue sweater sitting at home on his couch; looking out window; grief & depression

Grief

Most of the time, when you’re dealing with normal grief, you may be able to process through it on your own or with the help of friends and family. However, you know yourself best. If it would be best for you to talk things through with a grief therapist, do it! Do what needs to be done to help you work through the loss and avoid developing complicated grief and/or depression.

To help you do the work of grief and learn how to move forward after a loss, check out these helpful resources:

Two people sitting in a counseling session; dealing with grief & depression

Depression

If you suspect (even a little bit) that you may be experiencing depression, make an appointment with your doctor. In order to treat depression, you must work closely with mental health professionals to ensure you receive the best care. Depression is not something you can treat on your own; you will need help.

Common forms of treatment for depression are:

Your mental health professional will work with you to try out the treatments that work best for your personality and convictions. No treatment is undertaken without your consent, so you will have a say in which methods are utilized to help you conquer depression.

In addition to seeking treatment, here are additional coping strategies you can implement:

  • Stay in touch and socialize with friends and family
  • Be physically active
  • Face your fears; don’t avoid difficult things but work through them
  • Minimize or cease alcohol consumption
  • Eat a healthy, balanced diet
  • Stick to a routine that encourages good habits
  • Ask for help when you need it
  • Limit or set boundaries on things that deepen your feelings of depression

Family member comforting a loved one who is experiencing depression; mature couple

What Can Family and Friends Do to Help?

With depression, the best option is to speak with a professional, who can act as a guide through the entire journey toward recovery.

However, family and friends can do something to help!

If you are a friend or family member, offer your full and loving support to the person dealing with depression. Be there to talk. Be encouraging. Bring small gifts or tokens of your love. Actively listen and don’t interrupt. Plan positive activities, like taking a walk or doing something they’ve always enjoyed.

The depressed person doesn’t need you to try to fix them; they need you to accept them where they are right now. Be there for them. Realize that depression is difficult for both of you and the road to recovery may be long and difficult. But it is achievable! When we do the work, we can find a way to reconcile ourselves to loss and find new hope and meaning for the future.

Aug 29
Love0
Mourners attending a service, placing hands on casket in remembrance

5 Ways Funerals Today Aren’t One-Size-Fits-All

By Educational, Meaningful Funerals, Plan Ahead

Mourners attending a service, placing hands on casket in remembrance

Starting in the mid-1800s, there was a shift in funeral care. This shift was mainly due to the influence of Queen Victoria’s mourning practices on the Western World and the rise of embalming after the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln. The expectation for funerals came to include embalming, a viewing and visitation, service, funeral procession, graveside service, as well as a headstone.

While many people today still choose a traditional funeral as outlined above, things have changed in the last 150+ years. Now, funerals aren’t one-size-fits-all. You get to make more choices regarding how you want your life remembered and celebrated.

So, let’s talk about 5 key ways that you get to choose what’s right for you.

Mature mourners attending a funeral service with casket

1. Choose Your Service

One way you can customize the funeral to fit your needs and personality is by choosing the type of service you want. For example, would you like a traditional funeral service? Or perhaps you’d prefer a memorial service after cremation has taken place? Would you like a viewing or a visitation? If so, would it be a private event or a public event? Alternatively, you might prefer to have your ashes scattered in a special place by the people closest to you.

While the options mentioned above are for the sake of example, you can talk with your family and a trusted local funeral home to better understand all of the possibilities. Then, with that information in hand, you can put your funeral plans in writing so that your loved ones know exactly how to honor your life after you’re gone.

For more resources on the types of services you could select, check out the articles below:

Mourner holding a white flower while standing near an urn and memorial candles

2. Choose Your Disposition

The two most common forms of final disposition in the United States are burial and cremation. While there are pros and cons to each, the choice is up to you. With burial, you can choose traditional burial with or without embalming, or you can opt for green burial. Similarly, with cremation, you can choose cremation by heat or by water.

When deciding which to choose, make sure you consider your family’s needs and your own personal convictions. For example, someone who wants to leave a smaller environmental impact could choose green burial or water cremation, the two options with the smallest footprint. However, if having a viewing is essential to your family or religious needs, you might choose have one before burial or cremation takes place.  It’s entirely up to you and your family.

A few lesser used forms of disposition are burial at sea, recomposition burial (only available in select states), or body donation to science. For more information about all of these forms of final disposition, check out the resources below:

Woman on her knees visiting a loved one's grave

3. Choose Your Final Resting Place

Next up is choosing your final resting place. Not only can you personally choose the cemetery, but you also decide what kind of placement you want. With burial, you could opt for a single or double plot, a mausoleum, or even an above-ground crypt, to name a few. The cemetery may even have options like choosing a plot near a pond, a bench, or a lovely view.

On the other hand, with cremation, you could choose placement in a columbarium, a glass-front niche, scattering (at a cemetery or a special place), or even urn burial. Depending on the cemetery, there may be other options available. And if you are a veteran, there are national and state veteran cemeteries to consider as well as veterans’ burial benefits.

For more information about choosing a final resting place, check out the resources below and start talking with cemeteries in your area. You can consider the options available at each one and decide which works best for you.

Lit memorial candles at a church or service; funerals aren't one-size-fits-all

4. Choose Your Personalized Details

Personalization is perhaps the best way to create a truly unique final tribute. Special touches and custom details tailor the service to tell the story of your particular life and its events. There are so many ways to personalize the funeral. Just think – weddings, birthday parties, anniversary celebrations, they all look different because they are custom to the people being celebrated. The same personalization can be true for any funeral or memorial service.

When adding meaningful details, there are a number of things to consider. You could add personalized music, readings, symbols, actions, or choose a unique location. You could also include photos, a memorial tribute video, or serve the deceased’s favorite foods at the reception.

The options are truly endless, so check out these resources and then discuss personalization with a trusted funeral director. They will brainstorm with you, discuss the possibilities, and work to make them a reality.

Older couple sitting at home, using a calculator to determine cost; funerals aren't one-size-fits-all

5. Choose Your Budget

One important aspect of the funeral that’s in your hands is cost. While you can’t control the cost of materials, merchandise, and services, you do get to decide which ones you want. The Federal Trade Commission requires that every funeral home have a General Price List that outlines all of their services and merchandise. With this list, you can pick and choose what you want and ensure that the cost of the funeral stays within your budget.

Plus, at a good funeral home, the staff will work with you to create a personalized plan that fits your needs. So, go to the funeral home with a realistic range of what you are willing to spend on a service, and they will work with you to honor that. If they push you toward the most expensive options, that’s a warning sign that you should find another funeral home to partner with.

Mature couple sitting in the comfort of their home talking to a preplanning specialist; funerals aren't one-size-fits-all

Next Steps: Record Your Wishes for the Future

And one final thing that must be included is the importance of writing down your wishes once you’ve made decisions. It doesn’t do your family any good if you’ve decided what you want but never communicate it. Thankfully, planning ahead (also known as preplanning or advance funeral planning) is very common and can take an incredible weight off your family’s shoulders. Simply make an appointment at your chosen funeral home to get started. With your funeral plans written down, your family will have a roadmap to understanding what you want. Otherwise, they may be left scrambling after the loss, not sure what to choose.

Also, if you wish, you can pay in advance or set up a funeral insurance policy to cover the total cost. Alternatively, you can set aside funds in your personal accounts or use a life insurance policy. However, keep in mind, setting aside enough funds may be difficult due to rising costs and inflation. And with life insurance policies, funds may not be available for 6-8 weeks. This means your family may need to pay out of pocket for any funeral services and be reimbursed later.

To learn more about the benefits of planning ahead and how to pay for a funeral, check out the resources here:

By writing down your funeral wishes, you can communicate your personalized preferences to those you love. And with that information, they can make sure that your final tribute isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s the size that uniquely fits YOU.

Aug 26
Love0
Three female co-workers sitting together, supporting the woman sitting in the middle

Supporting a Grieving Colleague in the Workplace

By Grief/Loss, Helping a Friend in Grief

Oftentimes, we may only think about grief’s impact on our own personal lives, our family members, or our closest friends. But grief can enter other places we inhabit – like the workplace. If you’re a manager or are paying attention to your co-workers’ moods and habits, at some point you will likely see a colleague struggling with grief. If this happens, you may feel unsure about how you can help. Here are a few suggestions for how to appropriately express support to a grieving colleague in the workplace.

Two businesswomen in a one-on-one meeting, talking about grief and work tasks

Tip #1: Be Patient

If you are a manager, being patient with your grieving employee is particularly important. On average, Americans receive 3-4 days of bereavement leave in the aftermath of a loss. After this short period of time, employees are expected to return to work and fully engage in their assigned tasks. However, the stress of losing a loved one and returning to work so quickly may feel overwhelming. In a study on grief’s effects on job performance, 75% of participants claimed they experienced concentration difficulties that extended beyond the period of paid leave.

If you notice that a direct report isn’t adjusting well after a loss, you may want to consider providing more paid leave. If this isn’t an option, make sure he or she feels safe and comfortable in the work environment. Be patient with the employee, communicate your sympathy, and consider temporarily reassigning any tasks or projects that require a high level of creativity or energy.

If you are a co-worker, also try to extend patience and kindness to the grieving person. If they forget a few things or seem to be unfocused, bring them back to the task at hand with kindness.

Two male colleagues sitting on a couch as one talks about his grief

Tip #2: Say Something

One of the most discouraging things about grief is that people tend to shy away from the person who is sad. This reaction is problematic because hurting people need support from those around them.

If you don’t know what to say to a colleague, be honest about your uncertainty, and consider communicating something like this: “I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry for your loss. If you need anything or if I can help with (fill in the blank), let me know.”

Try to be specific in your offer to help, especially if you can take point on a project or relieve some of the stress they feel. Of course, you can always help in other ways, like providing a meal, donating to a special cause on their behalf, or leaving a card or a small, simple sympathy gift on their desk. Any small gesture could make a world of difference and make your colleague feel understood and supported at work.

Sad businessman who is sitting at his desk with his hand over his mouth. Co-worker stands nearby with a hand on the sad man's shoulder.

Tip #3: Focus on the Mourner’s Grief

When someone is grieving, try to keep the focus on their loss, not your own losses. In an effort to connect, you may be tempted to talk about your own losses. Most of the time, this tendency isn’t helpful.  While you may have lost someone dear to you, the focus right now should be on your colleague’s loss. Attempts at grief identification (trying to equate your loss with theirs) may communicate to others that you are assuming that you know how they feel, which can be seen as presumptuous and offensive.

For many people, the challenge is to avoid giving too much advice or easy answers. There’s nothing wrong with offering support or a word of encouragement but avoid telling the person what to do or how to feel. Platitudes or cliches tend to minimize the other person’s pain and send the wrong message.

If you are tempted to “make it better” by telling them that their loved one is in a better place or they are at least no longer in pain, don’t do it. Let your colleague tell you how they feel. For your part, listen and express your sympathy and support. No advice you give is going to fix a person’s situation, but you can offer genuine help and care.

If you aren’t sure what to say, check out “What Should I Say to Someone Who is Grieving?”

Three female co-workers sitting together, supporting the woman sitting in the middle

Tip #4: Check In Occasionally

For the first few weeks after loss, mourners typically receive an abundance of support and help. As time goes by, the shock and numbness wear off, but that’s when the reality sets in. Their loved one is not coming back. Make sure to check in every few months and genuinely ask, “How are you holding up?”

Don’t assume they are “strong” because they are doing well at work. Allow them to tell you how they are coping and talk about their loved one by name. The sweetest sound to a mourner’s ears is usually the name of their loved one being remembered by others.

Regardless of the specifics of the situation, losing a loved one is hard. But the pain of loss can be compounded by the stressful demands of the workplace. Those who are obligated to return to work soon after a loss are particularly vulnerable to stress and work frustration. As a work colleague, it’s important to take steps to make a grieving co-worker feel comfortable and supported.

Aug 20
Love0

Setting the Tone for a Service: A Collection of Funeral Songs

By Meaningful Funerals, Music, Personalization, Planning Tools

When honoring a loved one’s life with a meaningful service, it’s important to find ways to tap into the essence of who they were as a person. By adding personalized elements, you can really celebrate and lovingly remember what made them who they were. One way to add a special touch to any final tribute is to choose musical selections and funeral songs that align with your loved one’s personality, beliefs, or preferences.

Musical notes for funeral songs

You may not know where to start when choosing meaningful music, so we’ve compiled a list of funeral songs for your review. You will find songs of many genres – spiritual, classical, rock, country, and more. Browse through the list and review the articles that best fit your loved one’s lifestyle and musical preferences. May you find the perfect songs to salute your loved one’s life and highlight what made them unique and loved.

By Style or Genre

In this section, you will find songs from different types and styles of music. If something appeals to you, simply click on the heading to review the songs.

Top 10 Hymns for a Funeral Ceremony

For those who deeply loved and found comfort in the hymns of old, consider choosing one or more of these beloved tunes to grace the final tribute.

12 Modern Christian Songs for a Final Tribute

If your loved one found more comfort in modern praise and worship songs (or enjoyed a range of spiritual genres), these more modern Christian songs could add an element of hope and peace to the service.

Man playing the piano; funeral songs

Top 12 Country Songs for a Celebration of Life Service

Loved by millions around the world, country music has established itself as a musical genre that speaks to the heart in a poignant way. If your loved one had an affinity for country music, check out this list of 12 funeral songs.

11 Classical Music Songs for a Funeral Service

Classical music transcends and brings out emotions that are resting just below the service. If your loved one enjoyed classical music or was a classical musician, you might consider including one of these lovely songs in their funeral ceremony.

Top 10 Songs for a Funeral Ceremony

With songs from multiple genres, this list encourages you to pick what feels like the most appropriate tribute. There’s no right or wrong when choosing music for a loved one’s service. There’s only what reflects who they were as a person.

Woman playing a violin with an orchestra

By Decade

Did your loved one gravitate toward a particular decade of music? That could be another way to choose music to honor your loved one’s life. In this section, you will find beloved songs from each decade that could also serve as a beautiful tribute.

10 Songs from the 1940s for a Celebration of Life

The 1940s saw the beginning of new things in the music industry. The decade included everything from stirring ballads of wartime sorrow to Big Band music and the blossoming careers of artists like Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra. The 1940s offers a bounty of beautiful songs to choose from.

11 Songs from the 1950s for a Celebration of Life

With the rise of artists like Elvis Presley, Nat King Cole, and Buddy Holly, the 1950s introduced a new sound. For loved ones who grew up during this decade or had a particular affinity to it, consider checking out these funeral songs.

Close-up of record player

10 Songs from the 1960s for a Celebration of Life

With instantly recognizable classics, this list includes popular hits by Ben E. King, Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, and The Beatles. If you are looking to add a little more groove to a loved one’s final tribute, this list may provide you with a few song ideas.

9 Songs from the 1970s for a Celebration of Life

From Simon & Garfunkel to John Denver, this curated list provides you with 9 stunning options for a celebration of life. Whether your loved one grew up in the 70s or came to appreciate its music later, you are sure to find a song to honor their life in a meaningful way.

Close-up of man playing saxophone

10 Songs from the 1980s for a Celebration of Life

The 1980s brought a distinct sound with it, and for many, it’s the anthem of their youth. On this list, you will find heartfelt tunes from Cyndi Lauper, Bette Midler, Queen, and others. Perfect for any 80s aficionado, browse the list to see if anything reflects your loved one’s unique life.

Hopefully, this compilation of musical selections helps you find music that sets the tone for your loved one’s final tribute. And if you’d like more information about personalizing the funeral, check out these resources.

NOTE: This post will be updated with new musical selections as future articles are published to Funeral Basics.

Aug 19
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Person with folded hands resting on hymn book or Holy Bible; yellow flowers nearby

Top 10 Hymns for a Funeral Ceremony

By Meaningful Funerals, Music, Planning Tools

Person with folded hands resting on hymn book or Holy Bible; yellow flowers nearby

Music is an important element of a funeral ceremony because it helps us process feelings that are difficult to put into words. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt tells us, music imprints itself on our hearts more than any other experience in life. For people of faith, these feelings are often best expressed in hymns, which are songs of devotion or praise to God. If you are looking for timeless songs of faith to honor the life of a loved one, you may want to consider using one of these 10 beautiful hymns.

1. It is Well With My Soul (written by Horatio Gates Spafford, 1873)

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
“It is well, it is well with my soul.”

Spafford’s devout hymn was composed in the midst of great tragedy. In 1873, he and his family planned to visit England via steamship, but Spafford was delayed due to business responsibilities. His wife and four daughters went ahead of him, but tragically, he received a telegram from his wife informing him that their ship had sunk in the Atlantic and their four daughters had all perished.

In the aftermath of the event, Spafford wrote one of the most memorable of all hymns. Devoid of bitterness, the song is a testament to the level of Spafford’s faith even in the worst of times. His firm belief in the return of the Lord, vividly described as a day when the clouds will be “rolled back as a scroll,” is a beautiful sentiment that reminds Christian believers of the true home ahead.

2. Great is Thy Faithfulness (written by Thomas O. Chisolm, 1923)

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

After the loss of a loved one, people often experience disorientation and confusion. How do we respond to loss, and how do we find a way to move forward in our own lives? When a loved one dies, so much changes in our lives, and the natural response is to find something to cling to. For many people, that thing is their faith.

The words of this 20th century hymn provide a reminder that some things are constant in the world. People of faith will find great comfort in singing, “Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not, / As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.” While nothing can take away the pain of loss, this hymn reminds us that some things in life, like God and His love, always stay the same.

3. I Need Thee (written by Annie Hawks and Robert Lowry, 1872)

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior!
I come to Thee.

In times of grief and loss, leaning on faith can become even more important. The lyrics say, “Every hour I need thee.” Not monthly, weekly, or daily. Hourly. The speaker requires the assistance of the Lord in every activity and situation to see it through to completion. Every step of the journey is difficult and requires the presence of God.

A cry of devotion in times of hardship, this 19th century favorite touches on themes of perseverance, faith, suffering, and comfort. Funeral attendees may view this song as a request for God’s guidance through every stage of the grief journey. The acknowledgement of God’s presence encourages mourners as they prepare for a new way of life and set out on the road to healing.

4. Abide With Me (written by Henry Francis Lyte, 1847)

Abide with me, fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Faced with tuberculosis and the knowledge of his impending death, 54-year-old Henry Francis Lyte used his time of illness as an opportunity to write one of the most beautiful and well-loved of all hymns. Not surprisingly, it has become a popular choice for spiritual funerals.

The fact that Lyte was so close to death’s door makes this reflection on mortality and his personal relationship with God all the more powerful. But the song appeals not only to those nearing the end of their days, but also to mourners who are facing the end of life with their loved one’s presence. Even as “the darkness deepens,” God answers the heartfelt request that He remain near.

5. ‘Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus (written by Louisa Stead, 1882)

‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word;
Just to rest upon His promise;
…to know, Thus saith the Lord.

Like most of the hymns on this list, this 19th century classic gives mourners a source of stability, a rock to lean on in times of hardship. Funeral audiences can find peace of mind in the knowledge that the stress, fear, and doubt that often accompany a loss are in the hands of a higher power.

Stead suggests that there is no need to hold on to anything or to assume a heavy burden. Our sole responsibility is “Just from Jesus simply taking, / life, and rest, and joy, and peace.” While this assurance does not eradicate the pain of loss, it does provide some comfort and can serve to alleviate the guilt, frustration, and stress people often wrestle with on the road to healing.

6. Guide Me, O Thou Great Redeemer (written by William Williams, 1745)

Guide me, O thou great redeemer,
Pilgrim through this barren land;
I am weak, but thou art mighty,
Hold me with thy powerful hand.

William Williams frames his most famous hymn in terms of a journey. Throughout all three stanzas, he asks God to guide him on his course. In the first stanza, he is a pilgrim wandering through a barren land. In the second, he uses imagery from Exodus 13, asking God to bring fire and a pillar of cloud to lead the way. And in the third, he is traveling across the Jordan to get to the land of Canaan.

All three images correlate to the path that the mourner takes on his grief journey. Williams’ steadfast reliance on God during times of painful and frightening transition is relatable to mourners, making this three-and-a-half-century-old hymn as timely and relevant as the day it was written.

7. In the Sweet By and By (written by Sanford Fillmore Bennett, 1868)

There’s a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there.

This hopeful and faith-driven song communicates a sense of peace to the listener by drawing upon imagery of another, happier land. For funeral audiences, the song’s words of a faraway shore imply that loved ones are at peace with the Lord. While this knowledge doesn’t take away the pain that mourners feel, it offers some light during a difficult time.

Bennett claims that after death, “Our spirits shall sorrow no more, / Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.” This emphasis on rest and peace encourages loved ones and provides them with inner strength as they work through their grief.

8. Leaning on the Everlasting Arms (written by Anthony J. Showalter and Elisha Hoffman, 1887)

What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

When it comes to comforting hymns, this beautiful song of surrender is unmatched. The three stanzas, accompanied by a simple refrain, contain everything that you could want in a song for a religious funeral: a gorgeous melody, a modest length, and reassuring words of peace. Leaning on the Everlasting Arms is to religious hymns what Psalm 23 is to religious writing. It is a perfect lyrical distillation of the human soul’s devotion to God.

For mourners faced with the emotional exhaustion that accompanies the loss of a loved one, it’s a blessing to hear that one can lean on the everlasting arms of God and rest “safe and secure from all alarms.” The theme of security applies equally well to those who are living and to those who have passed on. God’s love and peace is available in the here and now, as well as in the hereafter.

9. Amazing Grace (written by John Newton, 1779)

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.

Probably the most famous of all hymns, this song of redemption penned by a slave-trader-turned-abolitionist has captured the hearts of countless Christians. While certain stanzas dealing with sin and repentance may seem less suited to a funeral audience, the song’s reputation as a Christian anthem makes it a great choice for any religious event.

And there’s no doubt that the final stanza, with its beautiful depiction of the afterlife, will speak directly to mourners. Amazing Grace taps into the essence of what it means to believe in God, and the universal love that believers bestow on it indicates that it is a powerful representation of faith. For a funeral ceremony, you may want to consider singing at least a few stanzas of this masterpiece.

10. I’ll Fly Away (written by Albert E. Brumley, 1929)

Just a few more weary days and then,
I’ll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I’ll fly away.

This extremely popular gospel song speaks to our desire for peace and how death is a time of joy and rest. By framing life’s transience in a positive light, the song encourages us to see the full scope of the story, the larger picture. The troubles and pains of this life are but a tiny moment in time compared to the eternal land that awaits.

The upbeat melody conveys not only joy and peace, but also confidence and steadfastness. “I’ll fly away” is not spoken as a mere possibility but as a true reality. To sing this familiar gospel song in a funeral setting is to feel the pain of absence while simultaneously receiving the assurance that the spirit of a loved one has “flown away” to be with the Lord.

This list is far from comprehensive, so if you didn’t find a hymn that speaks to your heart, that’s okay. Look at songs in your faith tradition. What hymns did your loved one often sing? Are there any hymns that came up often in church or at home? No matter what they are, choose the hymns that best reflect your loved one’s life, personality, and beliefs.

If you’d like more options that are similar, check out “12 Modern Christian Songs for a Final Tribute” or “11 Classical Music Songs for a Funeral Service.” Or for a wider selection of funeral songs, read “Setting the Tone for a Funeral: A Collection of Funeral Songs.”

Jul 29
Love0
Two mature men sitting on a couch; one man counseling the other

When to Consider Professional Grief Therapy

By AfterCare, Grief/Loss

When you lose someone dear to you, grief is a completely normal response. Everybody experiences it. The fact that you are going through feelings of grief means that you had deep emotional ties to the person who has died. For many people, grief starts out intense, and in time, it begins to ebb and flow. But what happens when the intensity of your grief will not subside? What if you find yourself unable to cope, even though many months or years have passed since your loss? It could be that you’ve developed complicated grief, and it’s time to consider the benefits of professional grief therapy.

Young woman in white shirt laying on couch with hands on head

Is it Complicated Grief?

If you find yourself unable to function in daily life long after the loss of your loved one, you may want to consider the possibility that you are experiencing complicated grief. While grief is a perfectly normal, healthy response to loss, complicated grief is a psychological problem that, if left untreated, can severely impact your quality of life.

Here are several signs of complicated grief to look out for:

  • Intense sorrow, pain, or pining over the loss, focusing on little else
  • Problems accepting the reality of the death
  • Strong attachment to mementos/reminders or a strong avoidance of them
  • Numbness, detachment, bitterness, and/or easily irritated
  • Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
  • Trouble carrying out normal routines, including personal hygiene
  • Increasingly isolated and withdrawn
  • Denial and defensiveness when asked about the grief
  • Guilt over feeling that they did something wrong, could have prevented the death, or should have died along with the loved one

If you or someone you know is experiencing these symptoms, it’s time to consider getting help from a professional therapist.

Two mature men sitting on a couch; one man counseling the other

How Does Grief Therapy Help?

If you think you may be struggling with complicated grief, professional grief counseling or therapy can be a useful resource for dealing with it. A trained counselor can give you the tools that you need to start enjoying your life again. It is important to realize that counseling is not an attempt to make you forget about the life of your loved one or diminish their legacy. Rather, it is a way to help you accept the reality of their death and make tangible steps toward finding joy in life.

Here are a few ways grief therapy can help:

Inspires Rational Thinking

Counseling can be especially beneficial if you find yourself suffering from extreme guilt, anxiety, or fear. Getting an outside perspective could help you to see when your thoughts become irrational. For instance, if you are someone who blames yourself for the death of a loved one, hearing a fresh perspective might allow you to see things differently. A liberating insight from a therapist could provide just the boost you need to get back to finding joy and meaning in your life.

Two female friends holding hands during a grief counseling session

Helps You Accept the Reality of Loss

Of course, it is unhelpful and unrealistic to believe that we will ever fully “move on” or “recover” from a loss. Even if this state of mind could be achieved, it wouldn’t be desirable. You will always remember the person you love, and the knowledge of their loss will always be painful. This knowledge falls under the category of grief that is considered normal. The pain of loss is part of what it means to love.

But if your thoughts of your loved one border on obsession, and even long after their death you find yourself ignoring everything except those thoughts, then you may be struggling to accept the reality of the loss. Grief therapy can help you get to a place of acceptance and can provide you with advice on how to carry this experience with you as you continue to navigate your life journey.

Young husband and wife sitting on a couch holding hands as they speak to a grief therapist

Encourages You to Honor Your Loved One’s Memory

One of the best ways to work through grief is by confronting the pain of loss. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally-recognized grief counselor and educator, puts it this way:

“Someone you love has died. In your heart, you have come to know your deepest pain. From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of people I have counseled over the years, I have learned that we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.”

With a trained professional by your side, you can begin to do the hard but necessary work of grief. Honor your loved one’s memory. Confront the things that are holding you back. Find ways to hold onto your loved one’s legacy that are healthy and inspiring. Finding a way forward doesn’t mean forgetting; it means learning how to carry the wound without letting it negatively affect you.

Man putting comforting hand on the shoulder of a friend

How Do I Know if Counseling is Right for Me?

Studies suggest that people who are struggling with complicated grief respond better to therapy than those who struggle with normal grief. For the grieving, time is the most important factor in the healing process. So how can you know that therapy will be useful for you? At what point can you reasonably estimate that your grief has become complicated?

There’s no definitive answer. You have no way of knowing with absolute certainty if counseling or the mere passage of time will be the best approach for your mental health. But if you feel that a significant amount of time has passed and that you are still unable to cope with daily life, consider giving counseling and therapy a try. At the very least, you’ll have a trained professional to talk to, an experienced person who will listen as you get some things off your chest. This simple step could end up making the biggest difference in your grief journey and your life.

Also, if you are already comfortable with professional counseling, you might consider speaking with a grief counselor or therapist soon after your loss. There’s no need to wait until you are experiencing complicated grief to see someone. You can speak to a professional at any time during your grief journey, and if you do it sooner rather than later, you may prevent complicated grief entirely.

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