Page 6 – Funeral Basics

Nov 05

Yellow estate sale sign with a red arrow pointing to the left

Pros and Cons of Using a Professional Estate Sale Company

By Courtney Cook Educational

After losing a loved one, you might feel like you have a million things to take care of, from planning a funeral to settling your loved one’s estate. One big task is taking care of your loved one’s belongings. While hosting an estate sale may help you clear away items you don’t want to keep, it can be challenging to do it yourself. But using a professional estate sale company can help! If you’re considering hosting an estate sale, here are a few pros and cons of working with an estate sale company.

NOTE: If there are any disputes regarding the estate, wait until those conflicts are resolved before hosting an estate sale. Also, honor any bequests in the legal will before putting items up for sale.

Pro: Estate sale companies take care of organizing and pricing items.

estate sale pricing stickers

One of the most daunting tasks that comes with hosting an estate sale is sorting through and pricing all the items in the house. For most people, that’s the most significant benefit of using a professional estate company; they do all the organizing and pricing for you. Estate sale companies are familiar with typical estate sale pricing and know which items may be worth a lot of money, which means they can set you up for success.

Con: You’ll still need to do some sorting on your own.

While an estate sale company can help with a lot, there are still a few things you’ll have to take care of on your own, like pulling out any items other family members want or sorting through sentimental items like photos and scrapbooks. Even if you and your family want to sell everything, you’ll still need to check for sensitive documents and important papers.

Pro: Some companies will remove leftover items after the sale.

collection of clothes, records, hats, globes, and other estate sale items in front of a yellow wall

Depending on your contract, the size of the company you work with, and whether they are also estate liquidators, the company might clean out leftover items after the sale. If your family plans to sell the house after the estate sale, this service can be a huge help since you won’t have to worry about moving furniture or deciding what to do with leftover pieces. Plus, some companies may offer cleaning services as part of their contract.

Con: Estate sale companies are mostly unregulated.

For the most part, estate sale companies are unregulated, so it may be challenging to find a reliable company. An inexperienced company may price items too low or too high, resulting in lower profits or fewer sales. A dishonest liquidation company could price valuable items especially high so they don’t sell and the liquidator can resell the items themselves, making a greater profit that you don’t benefit from. If you decide to use an estate sale company, do your research, look at reviews, and read over any contracts carefully before you sign.

Pro: Estate sale companies can bring in more business.

Yellow estate sale sign with a red arrow pointing to the left

Many estate sale companies advertise the sales they host in local newspapers or on websites and their social media pages. They often have large followings of enthusiastic buyers who are always looking for new sales. The estate sale company’s extra advertising and name recognition can bring more people to your sale than you might get if you do everything on your own. The company knows where their buyers are and can bring more traffic to your sale.

Con: Estate sale companies typically take a portion of the profit as their fee.

Many companies will take a percentage of the profit from the sale as part of their contract. This percentage typically ranges from 30%-50% of gross sales, which helps the company pay for labor and the time spent organizing and pricing items. Plus, there may be additional fees for removal of leftover items or cleaning. While this may sound like a lot, remember that an estate sale company’s experience can help boost your sales. You may not get 100% of the profit, but you may still make more money than you would on your own!

While there are pros and cons to both hosting an estate sale yourself and using a company, consider what will best fit your needs. No matter what you choose, take time to look at all your options and do your research before making a decision.

Nov 03

Love0

Young woman sitting on couch, wiping eyes with tissues, as grief therapist offers comfort

6 Tips for Processing Grief in the Aftermath of Suicide

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Loss from Suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is confusing, devastating, and can possibly lead to years of processing the questions and the pain. In some cases, you may never fully understand what happened or what was going on in your loved one’s mind. But even without all the answers, you can heal and find the strength to move forward. To help yourself or a dear friend navigate the aftermath of suicide, consider following these 6 tips.

1. Don’t give guilt or anger a foothold

After losing a loved one to suicide, it’s common to feel a range of emotions, ranging from guilt to depression to anger at the person who has died. You may ask yourself what you could have done to prevent the tragedy and become overwhelmed by guilt. Even as you grapple with these questions, the most important thing to realize is that the death was not your fault.

Studies have found that 46% of people who die by suicide have a known mental health condition, and other risks factors include substance abuse, intoxication, chronic illness, history of abuse, family history of suicide, or a recent tragedy, to name a few. In all likelihood, you were not directly involved in any of these factors.

Realizing these two fundamental truths – that your loved one may have been suffering from a mental illness and that their death was not your fault – can allow you to understand and sympathize with your loved one. Free yourself from guilt and anger. Embrace compassion for yourself and your lost loved one. Consider participating in healing actions, like telling the story of your loved one’s life, finding ways to honor their memory, or cultivating compassion for others who suffer from mental illness.

2. Find a good therapist

Grief therapy can be helpful for anyone experiencing the pain of loss, but for those who have lost loved ones to suicide, it is particularly beneficial. The traumatic nature of suicide makes loved ones more susceptible to intense psychological distress, and professional help is required in many of these cases.

Counseling helps suicide loss survivors see the situation more clearly, and a trained therapist can help you understand the psychiatric problems your lost loved one faced. The therapist may also be able to help you recognize and stop unhealthy patterns of thinking so you can grieve in a healthy manner.

3. Surround yourself with people you love

You may be tempted to isolate yourself and try to come to grips with suicide loss on your own. But isolation breeds unhappiness, especially after a traumatic event. Instead, make a concentrated effort to stay connected to the people who matter in your life.

If you are a person of faith, visit with people in your spiritual community. Invite friends over or go out to social events. Talk to family members often and look for opportunities to socialize. Those who have lost loved ones to suicide often struggle with depression in the months after the loss, and studies indicate that social interaction is a great way to decrease depression. Friends and family members can keep you anchored in a routine, and their love will provide you with a sense of safety, security, and familiarity.

4. Join a support community

In addition to speaking with a therapist and staying in contact with close friends and family, you may also want to consider finding a support community. After a loss, you may feel totally alone. Joining a support group will help you realize that you aren’t alone and will allow you to form new connections that will give you strength and encouragement as you travel down the road to healing.

Groups such as Survivors of Suicide Loss (SOSL) and Alliance of Hope allow you to hear the experiences of others who have lost loved ones to suicide. They also give you the opportunity to share your thoughts (if you wish to). You might find that expressing your feelings in a welcoming and sympathetic environment helps you work through the loss and provides the encouragement you need to continue your journey toward healing.

5. Be patient with yourself

Next, remember that grief follows no timeline, and there is no rush. You have experienced a loss that is enormously painful. It’s normal to find yourself experiencing periods of deep sadness, even long after the loss. When those grief bursts or triggers come, allow yourself to cry or express frustration when you need to.

The fact is you will never stop missing your loved one. But over the course of time, you can find ways to enjoy life again. As you work toward healing, embrace what you feel and accept that it’s okay to be upset. Strive not to compare your grief feelings to the feelings of others. The grief journey is not linear – everyone is different. By allowing yourself (and others) to feel the emotions of grief without judgment, you can make a great deal of progress on your grief journey.

6. Establish your loved one’s legacy

For many people, it’s healing to find ways to remember the positive impact your loved one had on the lives of others. You might attend a prayer vigil or a gathering with loved ones where you all openly share memories and stories. You might give a memorial donation to a charity, start a scholarship, or participate in a 5K in their honor.

If you feel comfortable, you may even start a blog or find another way to write about what your loved one meant to you and those around you. Sharing the story of your loved one’s life can be an important healing step on your grief journey.

Woman in black dress holding white flower bouquet while visiting loved one's grave

While these 6 suggestions aren’t a miracle pill for recovering from suicide loss, each one will greatly benefit you. The journey ahead may not be easy, but working through the emotions of grief and finding healing is well worth the time and hard work. May you find the peace and healing you need and deserve!

Online Resources

Additional Articles

Nov 01

Love0

7 Ways to Decrease Thanksgiving Stress When You’re Grieving

By christy.kessler Exclude from Top Posts, Grief/Loss, Seasonal, Thanksgiving

Grief can be exhausting – mentally, physically, and emotionally. And holidays like Thanksgiving bring their share of stresses, especially during times of grief when it’s a battle to do the normal everyday tasks. So, what can you do this Thanksgiving to decrease your stress while you’re in a season of grief?

Before we move into 7 ways to decrease your stress, remember that whatever you’re feeling is normal. You’ve lost someone you love, and it’s hard. You may feel a wide range of emotions, including sadness, shock, denial, guilt, anger, or even relief. All you need to focus on is taking care of yourself this Thanksgiving so that you have the energy you need to process what you’re feeling and move toward healing.

7 Ways to Decrease Thanksgiving Stress

Your feelings may tell you to skip Thanksgiving altogether, but before you make any big decisions, take some time to evaluate what changes you can make to reduce your stress while also participating in group or family activities.

Here are a few tips for reducing your Thanksgiving stress:

1. Simplify the Day

Store-bought pumpkin pie with a slice missing

You may normally go big with your Thanksgiving meal and decorations, but this year, give yourself permission to take it easy. With a few adjustments, you can take a task or event from stressful to simple. For example, you could do a potluck so that the cooking is spread out amongst the group. Or you could order a ready-made dinner with all the trimmings from a local restaurant. You could also minimize the home or table decorations and opt for store-bought desserts this year. With just a few small tweaks, you can greatly decrease your to-do list and your stress.

2. Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”

Grandmother and granddaughter in the kitchen; grandmother holding platter with turkey and smiling as granddaughter kisses her cheek

Thanksgiving and the fall season come with many possible events, get-togethers, recitals, concerts, family gatherings, and more. You may not have the energy to go to everything, and that’s okay. Choose the most important events and pass on the rest.

As you prioritize events, make sure to talk to your family about your plans so they know when to expect you and when not to. This way, they can let you know what’s important for them – maybe a child’s recital – and you can plan ahead for the events you will attend. Plus, communicating your plans to family and taking their requests into account will help soothe any ruffled feathers and keep things relaxed.

3. Let Others Help You

Person in yellow coat raking fall leaves

If you’re like many of us, you learned early that it’s good to be independent and self-reliant. And while these two things are not inherently bad, we can sometimes take them a little too far, refusing help when we actually need it. So, this Thanksgiving, don’t be afraid to accept a little help. Let people support you through this time of grief. Accept casseroles, offers to do yardwork or run errands, and assistance with household chores. It will only make things less stressful and easier for you.

4. Take Time Out for Yourself

Woman in yellow sweater holding mug of pumpkin spice latte

Grief takes a toll on us, and it’s important to find ways to take care of ourselves. That means getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, pampering yourself every so often, and not overdoing it. At Thanksgiving, self-care may be splurging on your current pumpkin spice obsession, going for walks in the cool air, or simply spending quiet time alone to journal, meditate, listen to music, or cuddle with your pet. No matter what it is that helps you relax and feel cared for, take time to do that this Thanksgiving.

5. Share What’s On Your Mind

Two mature ladies walking outside and talking in the fall

You may be tempted to push down your feelings and power through Thanksgiving week, but try to resist the temptation. Instead, build in opportunities for reflection and make time to express yourself. This could mean painting, talking with friends or family, or attending a grief support group or a remembrance service. There will be times when your grief shows up unexpectedly, and that’s okay. People will understand if you’re teary. But by intentionally taking time to address your emotions, you can better process what you’re feeling in your own time and on your own terms.

6. Find Meaningful Ways to Honor Your Loved One

Simple place setting for a Thanksgiving table

This Thanksgiving, you’re missing someone special. Rather than ignoring their absence, consider finding a special way to honor their memory. Avoiding the elephant in the room – your grief and loss – may lead to feelings of stress. By openly honoring a loved one, you will have the freedom to include your loved one’s memory in the festivities without reservation.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Save a seat for them at the table
Create a remembrance item
Serve their favorite dish
Pull out the family photos and reminisce
Visit the graveside and leave a bouquet or memento
Continue one of their favorite traditions or incorporate a new one in their honor

While remembering your loved one may bring moments of sadness, there will be joy in finding ways to make them a special part of the day.

7. Allow Things to Be Different This Year

If you’re someone who wants everything just-so, one big way to reduce your Thanksgiving stress is to let things be different this year. Let go of the need for a perfectly decorated dining table, perfectly curated activities, or the perfectly prepared meal. Give yourself a little grace and some room to breathe. Thanksgiving is different this year; it’s harder. Do what you can to keep things simple.

Simple Thanksgiving meal of biscuits, green beans, and turkey with cranberry sauce

Now, it’s important to acknowledge that no two people are alike. Some of these suggestions will resonate with you and some won’t. That’s just fine. If having the perfectly trimmed Thanksgiving dinner helps you relax, then go all out. If baking those 15 pies provides a release of tension, do it. You know yourself best, so implement the ideas that work best for who you are.

Just remember – it’s okay to let yourself feel however you feel this Thanksgiving. You don’t have to force yourself to be cheerful, and you don’t have to stop yourself from feeling happy if you enjoy the day. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love or miss the person who is gone; it means that you are human. We are complex beings, and our lives are filled with moments of joy mixed with moments of grief, sometimes both at once! Take time on Thanksgiving to step back, take care of yourself, and enjoy time with the people you love the most. If you do, you will create sweet memories to cherish in the years to come.

Oct 27

Love0

Musical notes made out of pink flowers on black background

10 Songs to Honor Mom at a Funeral Service

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Personalization, Planning Tools

Colorful flowers acting like musical notes on vines that are lines of music

For many people, a mom is so much more than just another family member. She’s a pillar of strength, love, kindness, and acceptance. She offers wise counsel and a compassionate, listening ear. She is present and supportive. When you lose someone so important to your life, the urge to honor them in a special way is strong. If you are planning a personalized final tribute for a loving mother, consider including one of these 10 songs to honor her life and the way you feel about her.

1. Because You Loved Me (Celine Dion)

Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

While this song does imply a link to a romantic relationship, the message at its core is one of gratitude. It focuses on thanking a loved one for guidance, encouragement, and protection through the ups and downs of life. The poignant words paired with Celine Dion’s incomparable voice make the song unforgettable and a lovely way to honor mom.

2. In My Life (The Beatles)

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more

Performed by the beloved Beatles, this timeless tune explores themes of love, loss, and nostalgia. Its depth of emotion and thoughtful lyrics help the listener reflect on and appreciate the people in their lives, like a wonderful mom. If you or your mom loved the Beatles or connected to their music in an impactful way, this song may be a worthy inclusion at the funeral service.

3. Mother Like Mine (The Band Perry)

She’s the sky that holds the clouds
She’s the lady of the house
A blind believer in all I dare to be
There’s no safer place I’ve found

With its soothing cadence and deep message, this song from The Band Perry resonates with listeners from all walks of life. The lyrics explore the irreplaceable role of mothers and the power of their unconditional love. If your mom had a positive impact on your life and seemed to be the glue that kept your family together, you might consider including this country classic at her final tribute.

4. My Wish (Rascal Flatts)

But more than anything, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

This #1 hit song by Rascal Flatts was written from the perspective of a parent to a child. The lyrics express the wishes many parents have toward their children – big dreams, small worries, no regrets, and lasting love. To bring solace to mourners after the loss of a beloved maternal figure, this song may be a great comfort as you remember just how much your mom loved you and what she wanted for you.

5. You’ll Be in My Heart (Phil Collins)

‘Cause you’ll be in my heart
Yes, you’ll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

In this familiar classic, Phil Collins explores the ongoing presence of love. Even after a person has died, their legacy and their memory don’t go away. As the song states, “you’ll be in my heart from this day on, now and forevermore” and no truer words were spoken. If you are looking for a song to honor a mom who stood with you, supporting you and loving you, consider including this song at the services.

6. Mama Liked the Roses (Elvis Presley)

Oh, mama liked the roses,
But most of all she cared
About the way we learned to live

Released in Elvis Presley’s 1970 album titled “Elvis’ Christmas Album,” this song holds a special place in the hearts of many fans. With poignant words, Presley shares a look into his own feelings about his mother and the beauty of the enduring bond between a mother and her children. If your mom loved roses or was an Elvis Presley fan, then this enduring classic may be the perfect addition to a lovely tribute.

7. Heaven Was Needing a Hero (Jo Dee Messina)

I came by today to see you
Though I had to let you know
If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time
I’d have held you and never let go

Sometimes, death is expected, and sometimes, it’s not. In this heartfelt country ballad, Messina expresses the desire so many people feel – the ability to see that special person one more time. And she also dives into the emotions you may feel following a loss, especially learning how to grapple with why and how to move forward. If your mother was your hero, this soothing song could be the perfect complement to your plans for her final tribute.

8. Two of Us (Louis Tomlinson)

I know you’ll be looking down
Swear I’m gonna make you proud
I’ll be living one life for the two of us

Written following the passing of his own mother, Tomlinson shares aspects of his grief journey throughout the song. In an interview, he declared that writing the song was a therapeutic experience for him, and he hopes that even though it is sad, other people will find the song’s message comforting during their own losses. If you resonate with Tomlinson and the words he sings about his own mother, consider honoring yours with this ballad.

9. See You Again (Carrie Underwood)

I will see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
‘Til I see you again

In this uplifting country tune from Carrie Underwood, the focus is on hope and the belief that we will one day see the people we love again. While your mom may no longer be physically present, there is a time in the future when you will see her again and rejoice together at the reunion. If you share Underwood’s beliefs and want to lean into hope for the future, consider including this selection at your mom’s funeral service.

10. Supermarket Flowers (Ed Sheeran)

Oh I’m in pieces, it’s tearing me up, but I know
A heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved
So I’ll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum

In this beautiful tribute to a beloved mom and grandmother, Sheeran’s powerful lyrics and emotive voice help you feel exactly what he’s feeling. Perhaps the most stunning words of the songs are the reminder that “a heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved.” If you shared a deep and abiding love with your mother, listen to this haunting melody and consider whether it’s right for honoring your mom’s life and legacy.

Honorable Mentions

If you are a daughter seeking to honor your mom, you might consider including Celine Dion’s “Goodbye’s the Saddest Word,” Faith Hill’s “You Can’t Lose Me,” Taylor Swift’s “The Best Day (Taylor’s Version),” or Riley Roth’s “When God Made You My Mother.” For a son, both “A Song for Mama” by Boyz II Men and “Will the Circle be Unbroken” by Randy Travis are beautiful tributes. And if you grew up in a single parent household with mom as your primary support, “Thank you Mom” by Good Charlotte could be the perfect addition.

As you plan a personalized tribute for your mom, you are not limited to the songs on this list. These are merely a starting place. If there’s a song that always reminds you of your mom or that she sang regularly, include that song. The goal of personalizing the music at a funeral service is to capture the person’s unique life and personality. So, think of who your mom was and choose music accordingly.

Additional Resources

For more suggestions on songs to include at a funeral service, check out the resources below:

By decade:

Oct 23

Love0

Flower spray resting on top of light wood casket with lit candle nearby

A Quick Guide to Cremation Caskets

By christy.kessler Cemeteries, Cremation, Educational, Explore Options

If you are interested in cremation as the final disposition of choice, you may need to choose a cremation casket or cremation container as part of your funeral plan. In many states, cremation cannot take place unless the body is placed in some sort of container, and today, we’re going to talk about the options.

Flower spray resting on top of light wood casket with lit candle nearby

Ultimately, the decision of which type of casket to use is up to you and your family, and there’s no right or wrong answer. While it can be a difficult choice, discuss the options with both your funeral director and your family to decide what’s best for your particular needs.

3 Types of Cremation Caskets & Cremation Containers

The main thing that sets cremation caskets apart from burial caskets is that any cremation casket or container must be made of a fully combustible material. This means there can be no metal parts (or very minimal ones). Let’s discuss 3 main types of cremation caskets and containers that are most commonly available.

1. Traditional Cremation Casket

If you would like to have a traditional funeral service with body present before cremation takes place, you can. In this instance, you can choose a more traditional cremation casket made from materials like wood, bamboo, or wicker. The casket will encase a loved one’s body for the funeral service or visitation, and after all services are complete, everything will be escorted to the crematory. Since there’s no metal, the casket will serve dual purposes: presentation at the service and dignity at the crematory.

2. Green or Eco-Friendly Caskets

Because green or eco-friendly caskets are made of natural materials, you can use one as a cremation casket. These types of caskets are available in bamboo, willow, seagrass, wicker, cotton or wool, teak, and other types of wood. They tend to be less expensive, depending on the material and construction you choose. Also, they are fully combustible and contain no metal.

3. Cremation Container (or Alternative Container)

Another option is to choose a cremation container (as opposed to a cremation casket). A cremation container is a simple box made of either cardboard or fiberboard. There are no embellishments or personalized elements, and the focus is on function, not presentation. If it’s important to you, some cremation containers are made to look like traditional caskets, but you will need to speak with your funeral director to determine if that option is available in your area.

4 Tips When Buying a Cremation Casket

When deciding which cremation casket or container to use, keep these 4 tips in mind:

1. What is My Budget?

Always keep your budget in mind. While cremation caskets are typically less expensive than burial caskets, they do vary in price. If you are working with a very specific budget, speak with your funeral director about the options that best fit with your financial needs.

2. Does Appearance Matter?

For some, the appearance of the caskets matters, so do a little research. If you’d like to add personalized elements, then a cremation container isn’t for you. However, with some cremation caskets, you can add special touches to create something unique.

3. Will There Be a Funeral Service?

If you plan to have a traditional service with the body present before cremation takes place, keep that in mind when selecting a cremation casket.

4. Did My Loved One Have Any Personal Preferences?

If you are planning a final tribute for a loved one, you may or may not know what their funeral preferences were. However, if your loved one preplanned, consider honoring those wishes and going with their preferred selection. If not, make the best choice possible with the information you have.

Common Questions to Consider

What are my casket options if I choose to have a traditional funeral service with cremation?

First, you can either select a cremation casket made of a natural material, such as wood or bamboo, that is presentable for the service and safe for the crematory. Or second, you can speak with your funeral director to see if the funeral home offers rental caskets.

While a rental casket looks like a traditional casket, there’s a foot panel that opens up to allow a cardboard insert to be placed into or removed from the casket exterior. The removable insert comes with its own fabric liner, which is for one-time use, and it is hidden from view once inside the casket exterior.

In this way, you can rent a casket for the ceremony and have a less expensive container for the crematory. To learn more, read “Rental Caskets: What You Need to Know.”

What is the cost of a cremation casket?

The cost will vary depending on the type of casket you select. Some materials cost more than others, but in general, cremation caskets and containers will be less expensive than burial caskets.

Do cremation caskets come with personalized design elements?

There may be a few different design options available, but in general, the appearance is more minimalist. If you’d like, you can always work with the funeral home to commission a custom cremation casket, if that’s important for your family.

What does the interior of a cremation casket look like?

Generally, the interior will be simple with a lining and basic padding. You won’t see the more ornate details that are available with burial caskets.

Does a cremation casket seal?

There are no tight sealing mechanisms on cremation caskets. The cover and hinges are sufficient for a funeral service, but they are not heavy-duty like you’d see on a burial casket. The purpose of sealing is to keep out the elements, and since a cremation casket will not be buried, there’s no need to seal it in the same way.

Do cremation caskets have handles?

Yes, they do. In some cases, the handles are removable, but it all depends on what type of cremation casket you select.

By law, do I need to purchase a cremation casket?

In all 50 states, the law does not require that a person be cremated in a casket. However, many states or crematories require that there must be some sort of container. This is where the alternative container comes into play. You can select to use the cardboard or fiberboard alternative container in place of a cremation casket, especially if you are on a tight budget. The alternative container won’t come with padding or a lined interior; it is simply a box.

If I choose direct cremation, do I need a cremation casket?

That’s up to you and your family. You do not have to select a cremation casket, but you will likely need a cremation container at the very least.

Can I have a service with a cremation container?

It’s not generally recommended to use a cremation container for a funeral service. Cardboard and fiberboard cremation containers are not intended for viewing purposes and only serve as a means of providing a loved one’s remains with a respectful journey to the crematory. If you don’t want to purchase a cremation casket for a service, you can instead opt for a rental casket.

Hopefully you now feel equipped to better understand the options that are available to you regarding cremation caskets and containers. If you still have questions or would like to discuss the options available locally, reach out to a trusted funeral home and set up a time to visit with a funeral professional. They can help you understand all of your options so you can decide what’s best for your family and your needs.

Oct 18

Love0

Older man in a blue shirt holding a piece of paper and rehearsing a eulogy

5 Public Speaking Tips for Delivering a Eulogy

By Courtney Cook Meaningful Funerals

Delivering a eulogy is a meaningful but challenging honor. While you might be emotional about speaking at the funeral of someone you love, giving a eulogy is a beautiful way to honor a loved one’s life. By sharing memories and highlighting your loved one’s personality and character traits, a eulogy gives you and other mourners a chance to reflect on a life well-lived.

But delivering a eulogy also involves public speaking and sharing your emotions in front of others, which is difficult for many of us! If you don’t know what to expect while speaking at the funeral or how to prepare, here are a few tips to help you get started.

1. Write it out

woman writing a eulogy in a notebook on a wooden table next to a laptop and a cup of coffee
In speech class, you may have learned to speak from an outline instead of having everything written down. But when giving a eulogy, the last thing you want to do when standing in front of everyone is ad-lib and have your brain fill in the gaps on an outline. By writing out the eulogy word-for-word, you’ll make presenting easier on yourself, especially if you’re worried about getting emotional while speaking.

As you write the eulogy, read it aloud to make sure it flows and sounds natural when spoken. To learn how to write a compelling eulogy, read “How to Write a Eulogy” and “8 Tips for Crafting a Eulogy.”

2. Practice, practice, practice

woman practicing giving a eulogy with a friend
The most important part of delivering a eulogy is the practice you put in ahead of time. While you may be giving a eulogy on short notice, practicing as much as you can before the service will help you feel more confident and sound more relaxed. Try to memorize sections if you can, but don’t worry if you still have to read directly off the page at the funeral.

Additionally, if you can, practice the eulogy in front of someone you feel comfortable with in a low-stress environment. They can give you a second opinion about how the eulogy comes across to an audience. Plus, they can help you get experience delivering it in front of another person.

3. Speak slowly and clearly

Older man in a blue shirt holding a piece of paper and rehearsing a eulogy
Whether you’re comfortable with public speaking or terrified of it, delivering a eulogy can bring on a different set of nerves. And when you’re nervous, uncomfortable, or emotional, it’s normal to start talking faster as part of our fight-or-flight response. But talking quickly can make it harder for your audience to understand you and make it easier for you to trip over your words.

As you give the eulogy, concentrate on speaking slowly. Take time to enunciate your words and remove or practice pronouncing any difficult words. Don’t be afraid to pause and take a deep breath in between sentences to calm your nerves if needed. The other mourners at the funeral will understand if you need to take a second to compose yourself.

4. Relax your body language

microphone in front of a crowd at a funeral
If you’re nervous while giving a speech, it can be easy to tense up and revert to anxious body language, which can be distracting to an audience. While typical public speaking rules about rarely looking at your paper or projecting confidence don’t necessarily apply to eulogies, it’s good to maintain open body language.

As you read, don’t hunch over your paper, and try to look up at the audience if you feel comfortable. If you’re worried about making eye contact with someone and losing your composure, look at a point at the back of the room instead of the actual audience members. But if you don’t feel confident taking your eyes away from the page, that’s okay! Just try to keep a relaxed and open posture.

5. Let yourself be vulnerable

Close up of a person tightly holding onto a tissue with tense fisted hands
You may feel like you need to keep your composure as you deliver the eulogy, but it’s okay to show emotion or cry. Sharing treasured memories in front of a group of people is a vulnerable experience. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed by emotions while giving a eulogy. Other mourners at the service understand that you are also grieving for your lost loved one, and if you need to pause for a moment, they’ll understand.

If you’re worried about breaking down and being unable to finish the eulogy, some preparation ahead of time can help. When practicing the eulogy, pay attention to more personal spots where you get emotional so you can prepare for those moments during the service. Rehearsing the eulogy over and over can also soften the emotions you feel while reading. Before delivering the eulogy, take a few deep breaths and make sure you have tissues on hand.

Be patient with yourself as you prepare to deliver the eulogy. Writing, practicing, and giving a eulogy while you’re grieving can be challenging, so give yourself as much time as you can and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to.

More resources about eulogies:

Oct 15

Love1

Man absently stirring food in a bowl and staring down, lost in thought

8 Tips for Coping with Appetite Loss While Grieving

By Courtney Cook Grief/Loss

Losing a loved one takes both a physical and emotional toll on those left behind. While everyone copes with grief differently, it’s normal for those who are grieving to struggle to return to “normal.” Many people face food-related struggles, like overeating, loss of appetite, or eating disorders.

If you’re struggling with loss of appetite, you’re not alone! Whether you can’t find the motivation to cook or simply don’t feel hungry, know that this is a normal part of grief. While it may take time to get your appetite back, there are a few steps you can take to make things easier for yourself. But first, let’s talk about the connection between grief and appetite loss.

Why does grief affect appetite?

Man absently stirring food in a bowl and staring down, lost in thought

There are many reasons grief can affect someone’s appetite, but one of the biggest is that grief adds extra stress to our lives. While some people overeat for comfort when they’re stressed, others lose interest in eating or struggle with physical issues that make eating difficult, like nausea or digestive issues. Those who are grieving might simply forget to eat or not feel motivated to cook or eat.

Additionally, many of the struggles that people who are grieving experience, like anxiety, loneliness, and depression, can cause a lack of appetite. If the person who died was a very close loved one, the grieving person may also feel overwhelmed as they adjust to their new normal without that special person by their side.

Whether the thought of food makes you feel nauseous or you simply don’t have the energy to cook, here are a few tips that may help you find ways to nourish yourself while you’re grieving.

1. Stick with easily digestible foods

Plain toast with butter on top and a butter knife resting on it

If you’re struggling with nausea or digestive issues, look for simple, easily digestible foods that your stomach can handle better. Avoid foods with lots of oil, spices, or sugar, and look for foods that don’t have a strong smell. Toast, bananas, rice, and other simple foods can help you get the nutrients you need and may help you regain your appetite.

2. Opt for easy-to-fix meals

For many people who are grieving, taking time to prepare a meal is a big hurdle, especially if they’ve lost a spouse who was the primary cook. One way to navigate this struggle is by finding easy-to-prepare options with foods you like. Some grocery stores have pre-prepared food like salads, sandwiches, or full meals you can heat and eat.

You can also keep a variety of snacks you know you like to eat, like cheese, fruit, nuts, crackers, or chips and dip. Anything easy to grab and snack on when you feel like it can help. Or you could opt for protein shakes, smoothies, or meal replacement shakes that give you nutrients while potentially being easier to stomach.

3. Try new foods or restaurants

Three people eating out at a restaurant with three different pasta dishes in front of them on a round wooden table

If you find yourself avoiding food because it reminds you of your loved one, you’re not alone. It’s easy for the enjoyment of food to be overshadowed by grief. If you’re struggling with this, one option is to try new foods or restaurants that don’t hold memories of your loved one. Is there a type of cuisine you’ve never tried? A new restaurant that opened up down the street? By making eating an adventure, you can create new positive associations with food that may increase your appetite.

4. Eat your loved one’s favorites

While some people may want to avoid foods that remind them of their loved one, others may feel the opposite. At first, it may be painful to fix your loved one’s favorite meal or to order food from the restaurant you always dined at together. But enjoying food that reminds you of your loved one can be a beautiful way to honor their memory and find a little bit of comfort.

5. Create a routine

Fork, spoon, and knife resting on a green cloth napkin on top of two stacked plates

After losing someone you care about, getting back into a routine can be difficult. But having a routine, especially with regular mealtimes, can help motivate you to eat and encourage your appetite to return. Plus, you won’t have to think about when to eat or rely on how hungry you feel. While you shouldn’t force yourself to eat full meals if you don’t feel like it, you can use set meal times to give yourself some consistency.

6. Set reminders to eat

When you’re grieving and trying to re-establish your routine, it’s easy to lose track of time and miss meals. If you find yourself forgetting to eat, set reminders. Whether it’s an alarm on your phone or a space blocked off on your calendar, having a specific reminder that lets you know when it’s mealtime can help you remember to eat. Even if you don’t feel hungry then, you can grab a small bite or set a new alarm for a little later.

7. Ask for support

Woman hugging someone in a dark blue shirt for comfort

While it can be hard to ask for help, remember that you’re not in this alone. If you’re struggling with finding motivation to cook, friends and family could bring you meals, or your coworkers or church members could organize a meal train. Friends could help keep you accountable if you forget to eat, or they can help you find foods that won’t make you nauseated. And if your lack of appetite continues over a long period of time or results in excessive weight loss, you can consult with your doctor and consider exploring grief therapy options.

8. Give it time

For many people who are grieving, lack of appetite only lasts a few months, but for others, it can last a year or more. While you may feel frustrated if you don’t make progress immediately, be patient with yourself and celebrate the small wins. And if you have concerns about your appetite, digestive issues, or excessive weight loss, don’t hesitate to reach out to your doctor.

Coping with the loss of a loved one is difficult, and what works for one person may not work for you. As you continue on your grief journey, look for food-related strategies that work for you, and give yourself grace as you grieve your loved one and work to take care of your physical needs.

Oct 09

Love0

10 Traditional Jewish Funeral Customs

By christy.kessler Educational, History of Funerals

Every culture and religion have their own traditions and rituals surrounding the funeral, and the Jewish faith is no different. Today, let’s discuss 10 traditional Jewish funeral customs and their purpose and significance to the millions of people who follow Judaism. However, please note that there are several different movements within Judaism, which means their customs will vary a bit. But regardless of the branch of Judaism, Jewish funeral customs follow a strong set of beliefs tied closely to the Torah.

1. Taharah (Preparation of the Body)

In accordance with Jewish custom, the deceased’s body is washed, purified, and dressed after death (but not embalmed). This ritual washing is called taharah. Traditionally, women will complete taharah for women and men for men.

After the washing is complete, the body is often dressed in a plain ceremonial shroud (called a tachrichim). In some cases, the deceased may be buried in a kittel, which is a white garment worn on High Holidays or at weddings. For men, a prayer shawl and religious skullcap (or yarmulke) are also included.

2. Shemira (Watching Over the Deceased)

As a sign of respect and kindness, the deceased is never left alone from the time of death until services are complete. This practice of watching over or guarding the deceased is called shemira, and the person guarding the deceased is called a shomer.

This responsibility can be shared and taken in shifts. Often, it’s family members, friends, or members of the synagogue who step in to serve as shomrim. During shemira, comforting psalms can be read aloud with the intention of bringing comfort to both the spirit of the departed and that of the shomer.

3. K’vurah B’karka (Ground Burial)

Traditionally, burial takes place within 24 hours of death, but in some Jewish movements, more time is allowed. However, burial does still take place as soon as possible. In many cases, the funeral is held at the graveside, though it could also occur at the funeral home or synagogue.

The service may be brief and simple, designed to honor the loved one and to allow an opportunity to offer condolences to the family. There may also be readings, eulogies, and the recitation of prayer.

If you are a non-Jew and would like to know what to expect at a Jewish burial, make sure to read “Jewish Funeral Etiquette: What to Expect as a Non-Jew.”

4. Kriah (Tearing or Rending of the Garment)

Following the death of a loved one, immediate family members will often wear a black ribbon. This ribbon is torn as an outward sign of personal pain and grief. Orthodox Jews may choose to tear their clothing (often the collar), while Reform Jews tear the black ribbon instead. The tearing most often occurs before the funeral ceremony in a private room with only immediate family members present.

The torn ribbon or garment is then worn during shiva, but not on Shabbat or Festival Days. Traditional Jews may continue to wear the torn garment through the 30 days of shloshim. (We will discuss shiva and shloshim in more detail shortly.)

5. Levayah (Accompany the Deceased)

Similar to a non-Jewish funeral procession, Jewish mourners accompany the deceased to the final resting place. This action affirms that those who love the deceased are still and forever joined together. It is also thought that the soul of the departed is comforted by the presence of their loved ones during the transition from one life to another.

Because burial is perhaps the most important part of the Jewish funeral, mourners should make every effort to participate in levayah and the graveside service.

6. Seudat Havra’ah (Meal of Condolence)

After burial, the meal of condolence typically takes place at the synagogue or the home of the bereaved. Friends, neighbors, or extended family members provide a meal that often includes lentils, hard-boiled eggs, and bread. In Judaism, these foods are associated with mourning or with life itself. Other simple and easily digestible foods may also be included in the consolation meal.

7. Shiva (Week of Mourning)

Shiva is the first seven days after the funeral – a mourning period where the deceased’s family stays at home and receives guests. Traditionally, shiva begins immediately after the burial and is a time to acknowledge any feelings of grief and sadness. Today, many families observe only one or two days of traditional shiva rather than the full seven.

During shiva, the bereaved family will recite prayers and reflect on their loss. Guests offering condolences often bring kosher meals as a gift to feed the family and their visitors.

Throughout shiva, personal grooming and physical intimacy are not allowed. Mirrors are also covered to encourage mourners to focus on the deceased and not on personal appearance. These actions symbolize the disruption that death brings and demonstrate grief through self-sacrifice.

8. Shloshim (First 30 Days of Mourning)

Directly following shiva, there is a 30-day period of mourning called shloshim. During this time, the bereaved family will go back to their normal routines, but they will continue to recite prayers and daily hymns. Some Jews may choose to wear the torn black garment or ribbon from the kriah ritual. Additionally, it’s common to refrain from haircuts, shaving, and attending social or even religious events.

Some families may choose to end shloshim with a special service where mourners speak about the deceased. Also, if there is to be a public memorial service, it often occurs after the conclusion of shloshim.

9. Yahzreit (Anniversary of the Death)

Every year, on the anniversary of the deceased’s death, the family lights a candle and leaves it to burn for 24 hours. This is an act of remembrance and helps the family on the grief journey.

It’s common practice to recite Jewish prayers or to attend synagogue services. Other families may choose to share a song, place a picture of the lost loved one nearby, recite the Mourner’s Kaddish, or visit the grave of the deceased.

10. Hakamat Ha-Matzeivah (Unveiling Ceremony)

Approximately one year after the funeral, the family gathers at the gravesite for the unveiling of the gravestone. There’s often a brief service, which may include readings and recitations, a few words about the deceased, and the unveiling itself. The presence of a rabbi is not required, but some families may choose to include one in the planning and facilitation of the ceremony.

Hopefully you now have a deeper and better understanding of the beauties of Jewish funeral traditions. Again, these customs will vary a bit depending on whether a person practices Orthodox Judaism, Reform Judaism, or one of the other movements. But overall, the heart behind the Jewish funeral tradition is to respect the deceased in every way possible and support the grieving family as they mourn the loss of someone dearly loved.

Oct 09

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What is a Healthcare Power of Attorney?

By Courtney Cook Estate Planning, Plan Ahead

When it comes to estate planning, there are many documents that cover different areas of your life, like healthcare, finances, and funeral wishes. One such document that plays a vital role in supporting your healthcare wishes is the healthcare power of attorney, also known as a medical power of attorney or a durable power of attorney for healthcare.

But what exactly is a medical power of attorney, and why do you need one? Let’s learn more about this important document!

What does a healthcare power of attorney do?

A power of attorney authorizes someone else, often called an agent, to make decisions on your behalf. There are different types of power of attorney. A general power of attorney nominates one agent who can act on your behalf in all financial, legal, and medical areas. However, if you wish to nominate someone different for each area, you’ll need to explore limited powers of attorney.

That’s where a healthcare power of attorney comes in! A healthcare power of attorney serves as one piece of your advance care directive, a set of documents that lays out the medical care you wish to receive. You can use this type of power of attorney to nominate someone you trust as a healthcare proxy. A healthcare proxy or agent will make medical decisions for you if you cannot communicate.

Remember that the medical power of attorney only names the person you wish to be your proxy and doesn’t outline your wishes. You’ll need to create a living will to document your wishes. Once you’ve documented your wishes, you can share them with your healthcare proxy so they know what decisions to make.

Who can I nominate as my healthcare proxy?

While every state has its own regulations regarding healthcare proxies, in most cases, your proxy must be over 18. Most people nominate their spouse or a family member, but you can nominate anyone you trust, like a close friend or your lawyer. It’s highly recommended not to select your healthcare provider as your proxy.

As you consider who to select as your healthcare proxy, look for someone you feel comfortable communicating your wishes to. Your proxy should be someone you trust to follow your wishes, even if they don’t agree with them. Consider choosing someone who lives nearby or would be willing to travel to you if a situation arises.

Before adding your potential proxy to your power of attorney, talk to them about your wishes and ask them if they feel comfortable serving in this role. Keep in mind that a healthcare proxy is not the same as a guardian. If you don’t have a power of attorney in place when you are incapacitated, a court may appoint a guardian to act on your behalf. A healthcare proxy is only responsible for medical decisions, while a guardian can also make financial and legal decisions.

When does the healthcare power of attorney take effect?

Your healthcare proxy will only step in if you are incapacitated or unable to communicate. If you go into a coma or vegetative state, have an issue arise while under anesthesia, or are unable to speak, move, or write after a stroke or an accident, your healthcare proxy will make decisions on your behalf. Your proxy may make medical decisions if you are in the late stages of Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia.

As long as you are conscious, of sound mind, and able to communicate, you will have decision-making power, and your healthcare power of attorney will not be used.

What decisions can my healthcare proxy make?

If your healthcare power of attorney comes into effect, your proxy will have the authority to make medical decisions. This includes decisions about the care you receive, like surgeries, treatments, medication, pain relief, CPR, and more.

Additionally, your proxy can determine which healthcare providers and physicians you use. Your proxy also has authority over what facilities you visit for treatment, including nursing homes or assisted living facilities. They may make decisions about comfort care, hospice, mental health treatment, and organ donation as well.

In many cases, your healthcare proxy will need to coordinate with the agent you have listed on your financial power of attorney to ensure that medical costs can be covered. While your healthcare proxy should follow your living will, they aren’t legally required to. They may also need to make decisions about medical issues that aren’t mentioned in your living will.

How do I create a healthcare power of attorney?

While many online resources can help you create your healthcare power of attorney, the best course of action is to consult an estate planning lawyer. Each state has different regulations, and a lawyer can ensure your power of attorney is valid.

When creating your power of attorney, you must be of sound mind. Some states require you to have witnesses when you sign the form, while others require the document to be notarized. Depending on your state’s regulations, you may also need to have your proxy sign the forms.

Once your healthcare power of attorney is created, give a copy to your proxy and your medical provider. Keep the original document in a secure location, along with your other estate planning documents.

Can I revise my healthcare power of attorney?

Yes, you can! In fact, as your circumstances change, it’s important to keep your healthcare power of attorney up to date. Whether you move to a new state or want to change your proxy, you can change your power of attorney. Just like when you write your power of attorney, you must be of sound mind to change the document.

If you do make changes to your healthcare power of attorney, make sure to revoke or cancel your previous version. Depending on your state’s regulations and your specific situation, you may need to sign a revocation letter or include a clause in your new power of attorney revoking prior powers of attorney. Don’t forget to inform all pertinent parties (like your healthcare provider and proxy) of the change. It’s also a good idea to destroy any previous copies to prevent confusion.

As you make decisions about your medical wishes and healthcare proxy, don’t be afraid to ask for help from people you trust. And if there’s anything you’re unsure about, don’t hesitate to contact a local estate planning attorney. They can ensure that your wishes are documented in a valid way.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary, so any estate planning should only be undertaken with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

Oct 09

Love0

Man's hand touching a prayer book resting on top of a Jewish prayer shawl

Jewish Funeral Etiquette: What to Expect as a Non-Jew

By Courtney Cook Educational

Attending a funeral is a profound way to show respect and offer comfort to those who are grieving. But attending a service for someone in a faith tradition you’re unfamiliar with can be intimidating. This is especially true for non-Jews attending a Jewish funeral for the first time. Many of the customs and traditions included in a Jewish funeral may be unfamiliar to non-Jews.

If you’ve been invited to a Jewish funeral, don’t hesitate to attend and support the grieving family! If you are respectful and sensitive, your presence will be appreciated. And while every Jewish funeral will look different depending on the Jewish family’s level of observance, this guide can help you better understand what to expect. Let’s get started!

Deciding What to Wear

People at graveside service in modest clothing

While non-Jewish funeral attendees aren’t always required to adhere to Jewish rules about modesty, it’s best to dress respectfully. Generally, it’s a good idea for both women and men to wear clothing covering their knees, shoulders, and elbows.

Wearing black typically isn’t a requirement, but choose colors and patterns that are more muted and not showy. Avoid clothing with many embellishments, and when in doubt, opt for business casual. Good options include pants and a collared shirt or suit for men and a long dress, skirt, or slacks for women. Additionally, if you’ll be outside at the funeral or graveside service, dress for the weather and wear shoes you can walk across dirt and grass with.

Non-Jews are generally exempt from Jewish rules about head coverings. But if the funeral occurs in a synagogue, men and/or women may be required to cover their heads or hair. Synagogues may have yarmulke, also known as kippah or skullcaps, available for men to use at the entrance. When in doubt, you can bring a hat or, for women, a scarf to cover your head if requested.

Understanding a Few Traditions

Close-up of a wooden casket

Jewish funerals often involve many different traditions and rituals. While you may not see or hear about all of these, depending on the family’s level of observance, here are a few of the most common traditions.

Burial within 24 hours: Many branches of Judaism believe that the deceased should be buried within 24 hours of death, although some traditions allow 72 hours.

Ritual washing: Before burial, Jewish community members wash and prepare the body, dressing the deceased in a white garment called a tachrichim.

Wooden casket: In many Jewish traditions, burial occurs without any metal, including metal caskets or nails, which makes wooden caskets the traditional choice.

Closed casket: Jewish funerals will almost always be closed casket funerals, as viewing the deceased is considered a violation of their privacy.

Natural burial: Most Jewish burials are natural, as Jewish law prohibits tampering with a body, which means that bodies are not embalmed except in special circumstances.

Asking for forgiveness: You may see mourners whispering near the casket. They might be asking for forgiveness from the deceased, resolving bad connections, or saying words they wish they had.

Kriah/tearing: Immediate family or very close friends of the deceased may have a piece of their clothing cut or torn or a black ribbon pinned to their clothing. This symbolizes how the loss of a family member tears the family.

If a Jewish funeral doesn’t include one of these traditions or seems out of the norm, remember that different branches of Judaism have different traditions. Avoid drawing attention to differences as they may be sensitive topics, especially if there were family disagreements about what to include in the service.

Attending the Funeral

Man's hand touching a prayer book resting on top of a Jewish prayer shawl

Jewish funerals are typically held at the graveside, a synagogue, or the funeral home. In Jewish tradition, flowers are not acceptable for funerals, so there will usually be no flowers at the service.

Before the funeral, the grieving family should not be greeted except by other very close family members or friends, and often, you may not see the family until the service starts. In many Jewish traditions, those offering condolences should wait for the family to speak to them first before sharing their sympathies, which typically occurs while the family sits shiva in the days following the service.

While the contents of the funeral may vary, most Jewish funerals will include prayers and recitations of Psalms. There may or may not be a eulogy, depending on the family’s level of observance. For readings and prayers, you may participate if you feel comfortable, but it’s not necessary. If you do, keep your voice soft and respectful and take cues from those around you.

Just like at any funeral, observe general etiquette rules and keep your cell phone off and out of sight. Unless you are a very close friend of the family, sit a respectful distance away.

Attending the Graveside Service

yellow leaf resting on top of a granite headstone with the Star of David engraved on it

Burial will typically occur immediately after the funeral. Often, only close family and friends will go to the graveside service, so if you don’t know the family well, it’s usually okay to skip it as a non-Jew.

There may be several readings or prayers at the graveside. Mourners will typically recite the burial or graveside Kaddish, a traditional Jewish prayer. In some branches of the Jewish faith, only male mourners will recite the Kaddish. Others do allow women to participate in reciting the prayer. If you’re not in the Jewish faith, you don’t need to worry about joining in the Kaddish.

During the service, mourners often take turns shoveling earth into the grave. While you aren’t required to participate, it can be a beautiful way to pay your respects to the deceased.

After the graveside service, Jews usually wash their hands, whether at the cemetery or before entering a home. As a non-Jew, you’re not required to participate, but if you wish to, follow the lead of those around you.

Sharing Your Condolences

Person writing a condolence letter to a grieving friend

If you’re unable to attend the funeral or just wish to express your sympathies to the family after the fact, there are a few things you can do to share your condolences. In the days following a funeral, Jewish families sit shiva, where friends and family comfort them at home. If you’re interested in visiting the family during shiva, check out this article to learn more about what to expect.

When offering your condolences to a Jewish family, wait for the family to greet you before speaking with them. Avoid referring to an afterlife and instead focus on the memory of the deceased. For example, you could say, “May his memory be a blessing” or “May her memory bring you comfort.” If you send a sympathy card or condolence letter, make sure not to send anything with a Biblical quote from the New Testament.

If you wish to send the family a gift, keep a few things in mind. While flowers are often used at non-Jewish funerals, don’t send flowers to the mourners at a Jewish funeral. You can bring food to the family, but ask about food sensitivities and whether or not kosher food is required. Memorial donations to organizations or causes important to the deceased or the family are another option you can explore. But don’t feel pressured to give anything, especially if you’re not used to preparing kosher food. Your presence is enough.

As you plan to attend a Jewish funeral, remember that your presence matters most. As long as you are kind and respectful, the family will appreciate your support while you pay respects to the deceased.