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Woman with brown hair wearing a white sweater sitting down, reading messages on phone

How to Offer Condolences Via Text or DM

By Grief/Loss, Technology and Grief

In today’s world, we’re more connected than ever, and it’s more common to text message or direct message a friend than to call them. This is especially true now that we’re connected online to friends who live all across the country and the world. With this change in social habits, it’s much more acceptable to offer condolences through text or online message. But what do you say and what etiquette rules should you follow?

Basic Etiquette for Offering Condolences

Woman with brown hair wearing a white sweater sitting down, reading messages on phone

Say something

It’s human nature to avoid situations that feel difficult or uncomfortable. But just because something is uncomfortable does not mean it shouldn’t be done. If you want someone to feel cared for after a loved one’s death, at least send them a quick message acknowledging their loss and how they are in your thoughts.

Shorter is better

Have you ever gotten a really long text and thought, “I’ll read this later?” With texts and direct messages, there’s no need to write a lot. People don’t expect your message to be long, and honestly, they may skip it if it’s too long. After all, there are a lot of details and emotions vying for their attention. Instead, keep it short but kind and compassionate.

Personalize your message

No matter what you decide to write, make your words as personal as possible. If you knew the person who has died, offer kind words about them or share a short memory. On the other hand, if you didn’t know them personally, mention that you know how much they meant to the family. Even a small detail can add just the right personal touch.

Man leaning against wall outside as he reads messages on his cell phone

Don’t compare griefs

You may be tempted to offer comfort by saying you understand what they are going through but don’t do it. You may be able to relate, but everyone grieves differently and uniquely. No two grief journeys are the same and shouldn’t be treated as such. If appropriate, share a valuable lesson you’ve learned in your own grief journey while still acknowledging, “I know your loss is so different from mine.”

Keep it classy

Some people are complicated and not all relationships are healthy. And while you may secretly be thinking, “Ding, dong, the witch is dead,” don’t write that in your condolence text. Even if the relationship was flawed and damaged, your grieving friend is likely experiencing some conflicting emotions. Relief that the stressful relationship is over, but also sadness that it now never has a chance to get better. Be sensitive in the early days and take your cues from the grieving person.

Follow-up with a handwritten card or a sympathy gift (optional)

In some situations, offering condolences via text or direct message is the best thing to do. However, in some cases, it’s just the beginning of the condolence process. If you feel led, don’t be afraid to follow-up your text with a handwritten card, a sympathy gift, an offer of help, or attendance at the funeral service. All of these are good ways to offer your support to a grieving friend or family member.

Focus on a man's hands as he holds his smartphone and reads his text messages

When Not to Text

While texting is often just fine, there are some instances when a text message isn’t the best option. You will need to use discretion and wisdom. If you regularly communicate with the person through text, then send them a text. If you use direct message on Facebook, Instagram, or some other social media platform, send the message there instead. And if you typically talk on the phone, give them a call and leave a voicemail.

And if the grieving person has posted a memorial or announcement on their social media channels (find more etiquette tips here), you can also post your condolence message directly to that post. Just make sure it doesn’t share personal details that are better left in a private message.

Now that we’ve reviewed some basic etiquette for writing condolence texts and online messages, let’s review some samples that will help you craft the perfect condolence.

Comforting Texts for Any Loss

  • I heard about [name] and want you to know I’m thinking of you, praying for you, and grieving with you.
  • I’m so sorry to hear about [name]. I just wanted to share my favorite photo of [name] with you. [She/He] had a great smile and will be so missed!
  • God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). Thinking of you, dear friend!
  • Although we are miles apart, my heart and spirit are with you right now. I’m so sorry for your loss.
  • I was deeply saddened to hear of your [mom’s, dad’s, grandfather’s] passing. [She/He] was such a great inspiration to me. Please let me know how I can help you during this difficult time.
  • Please accept my heartfelt condolences to you and your family on your [uncle’s, cousin’s, brother’s] death. I’m sure that [his/her] memory will forever live on in your hearts.
  • My deepest sympathies go out to you, my friend. May you find comfort and peace during this difficult time. Know that I’m here for you.
  • I was so sad to hear about your loss. I’m thinking of you and wishing you strength through this difficult time.
  • I’ll always remember [name’s] big heart and contagious smile. I’m praying for you and your family.

Young woman standing outside, reading smartphone messages with a gentle smile on her face

  • My heart aches for you and your loved ones right now. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, but you are in my heart and thoughts.
  • I don’t really know what to say, except that I’m sending all my love your way. I’m so sorry for your loss.
  • My heart hurts for what you’re going through. I’m praying for you and your family.
  • I just heard about your beautiful [mother, sister, grandmother]. I’m so sorry this has happened, and I am wishing your family peace and strength during this time.
  • I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I am humbled and honored to have met [name]. [She/He] was such a beautiful soul and will be deeply missed by many.
  • I’ll never forget [name’s] kindness, compassion, and contagious laughter [change to other descriptors, as needed]. May you find comfort in the knowledge that [she/he] brought light and goodness everything [he/she] went. I’m so sorry for your loss.
  • I’m not sure what the right thing to say is, but I’m truly sorry for your loss. I hope you know how much you mean to me and my family. We’re here for you.
  • Don’t worry about responding…I just wanted you to know how sorry I am to hear about [name]. I’m here for you anytime you need me.

Older man standing in his kitchen at home, reading messages on his phone

Comforting Texts with an Offer of Support

  • No words can describe how sorry I am for your loss. Can I do anything for you?
  • I wish I could take away your pain. Please know, I’m here for you and want to be a support in whatever way you need. Can I run errands for you or pick up dinner?
  • I heard about your [brother, sister, friend]. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’d love to check in with you and see how you’re doing in a few days. Can I call on [day]?
  • Hi, friend. You may need some space right now, but I wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about the loss of your [dad, brother, friend]. I’m thinking of you, and when you’re ready, I’m here to listen and support you.
  • I am heartbroken to hear about [name’s] passing. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling right now, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Can I drop off dinner or run any errands for you?
  • No words can take away the grief that you feel. Even so, I want to say that I love you, and I’m here for you. Can I stop by sometime to give you a hug or drop off a meal?
  • I heard about [name’s] passing, and I’m so sorry I can’t be with you in person. My thoughts are never far from you during this time. Please let me know if you’d like to chat on the phone or even hop on a video call. I’m here for you.
  • I just heard about [name]. I know the two of you were close, and I’m so sorry that this happened. Is there anything I can do for you? I’m here to talk, meet up, run errands – whatever you need.
  • I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but please know, you’re not alone. Just say the word, and I’ll be at your house right away.

Mature woman sitting on her couch at home as she reads messages on her smartphone

No Response? That’s Okay

Hopefully these examples will give you inspiration for creating a personalized text message or direct message that comes straight from your heart. If you don’t receive a response to your text, don’t let that hurt your feelings. Your grieving friend has a lot going on and responding to texts is likely low on the list of priorities. Instead, continue to offer support and kindness. If you can, attend the funeral or send a follow-up text/message in a few days. You could say, “I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to check in. How are you? Can I help you in any way?”

During times of grief and loss, we all need to know that our friends and family love and support us. Offering a short condolence may feel hard in the moment, but it will go a long way to making the grieving person feel loved and seen.

10 Songs from the 1940s for a Celebration of Life

By Meaningful Funerals, Music

Music plays a vital role in a funeral service or celebration of life. Songs played at a funeral can set the tone for the service, open us up to feelings we’ve been avoiding, and express emotions we can’t put into words. For this reason, renowned grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt says that music is one of the most important elements of a funeral.

When choosing music to play at the service, it’s important to pick songs that will be meaningful to your family and friends. Of course, if you know your loved one’s favorite songs, you can incorporate those into the funeral. But if your loved one grew up in the 1940s – or just loved the beautiful sounds of 1940s music – here are ten songs you could use to honor their memory.

I’ll Be Seeing You (Billie Holiday, 1944)

I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

A classic song about missing someone you love, this version of “I’ll Be Seeing You” was recorded by Billie Holiday in 1944. Both the lyrics of this 1940s song and Billie’s beautiful voice capture the feeling of seeing your lost loved one all around you. Whether you use this song in your loved one’s celebration of life or not, listening to it can provide comfort by reminding you that your loved one lives on in your memory.

Fun fact: “I’ll Be Seeing You” was played for the Opportunity rover on Mars after it finished its final mission!

We’ll Meet Again (Vera Lynn, 1939)

We’ll meet again
Don’t know where
Don’t know when
But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day

While “We’ll Meet Again” was originally released in 1939, it became enormously popular in the 1940s, especially during World War II. At a time when many families lost their fathers, brothers, husbands, or sons to the war, they found comfort and hope in this beautiful song. As you and your family mourn the loss of your loved one, playing this song during the funeral or celebration of life can bring your family and friends hope for the future.

Only Forever (Bing Crosby, 1940)

Do you think I’ll remember
How you looked when you smile?
Only forever
That’s puttin’ it mild

Recorded by Bing Crosby in 1940, “Only Forever” spent 20 weeks on the Billboard charts and 9 weeks in the #1 spot. This popular song speaks of love, loyalty, and remembering a loved one forever, which makes it a wonderful choice for honoring your significant other, a parent, or a close friend. This song would also make a great background song for a slideshow of photos honoring your loved one.

Moonlight Serenade (Glenn Miller, 1939)

Released in 1939, “Moonlight Serenade” was one of the most popular songs of the 1940s. While Glenn Miller’s original tune has no words, the music is smooth, peaceful, and full of emotion. This classic swing tune evokes pleasant memories of days gone by and hope for the future, making it perfect for a funeral or memorial service.

A Sentimental Journey (Doris Day, 1944)

Gonna set my heart at eas
Gonna make a sentimental journey
To renew old memories

Performed by Les Brown and His Band of Renown, “A Sentimental Journey” was sung by Doris Day and released in 1944. Whether you’re looking for a song to play at a celebration of life or just to listen to while thinking of your loved one, this lovely tune encourages reminiscing and cherishing the memories of days gone by. It would also be a wonderful song to use for a slideshow at a memorial service.

When the Saints Go Marching In (Louis Armstrong, 1938)

Now when the saints go marching in
Yes, I want to be in that number
When the saints go marching in

While the exact origins of “When the Saints Go Marching In” are unclear, the gospel song likely developed from a combination of similar songs. There are many versions of the song, but in 1938, Louis Armstrong transformed the song into the jazzy version modern listeners are most familiar with. While this song is more upbeat, it can be a lovely, personal addition to a funeral or memorial service for someone who was passionate about their faith.

Over the Rainbow (Judy Garland, 1939)

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

“Over the Rainbow” is an instantly recognizable tune for any fan of The Wizard of Oz. Judy Garland captured audiences’ imaginations as Dorothy Gale in 1939, and her signature song took on a life of its own – in the 1940s and beyond. Filled with dreams and hope for the future, “Over the Rainbow” would be a lovely song to play at a celebration of life, especially for someone who loved The Wizard of Oz.

Till the End of Time (Perry Como, 1945)

Till the end of time
Long as stars are in the blue
Long as there’s a spring, a bird to sing
I’ll go on loving you

While several artists recorded their own versions of “Till the End of Time,” Perry Como’s version of the song was the most popular by far, staying at #1 on the Billboard charts for ten consecutive weeks. With lyrics about everlasting and unconditional love, this song would make a touching addition to a funeral or celebration of life for a lost spouse or significant other.

Ave Maria (Frank Sinatra, 1944)

“Ave Maria” was originally composed by Franz Schubert as “Ellens dritter Gesang” (“Ellen’s Third Song”) in 1825. Soon after it was released, the song became popular in the Catholic church and gained religious significance. Frank Sinatra’s version of the song was recorded in 1944, and his beautiful voice pairs wonderfully with the song. If your loved one was religious, you could incorporate this lovely song in the funeral or memorial service.

Lavender Coffin (Lionel Hampton, 1949)

Saint Peter
I’m a-comin’
Saint Peter
Yes, I’m a-comin’ today

One of the more upbeat songs on this list, “Lavender Coffin” was recorded by Lionel Hampton and His Orchestra in 1949. This swing song provides a different perspective on death and a hopeful outlook on life, Heaven, and the future. While this song is more cheerful in tone than some of the other songs, it could be a passionate addition to a celebration of life or a homegoing.

Songs from other decades

Other musical options for a meaningful funeral

6 Ways to Say Thank You to a Funeral Home

By Explore Options, Grief/Loss, Living Well

During a time of loss, it’s common to feel lost, overwhelmed, and a little anxious. When the funeral home steps into your grief and provides top-quality care and compassionate service, it can feel like a soothing balm to an aching heart. You don’t have to do this alone – there are people to help. When you’ve received excellent service from a funeral home, you might want to thank them personally, but what can you do? Let’s talk about 6 simple ways you can express your gratitude to the funeral directors and staff members who have made a difficult time a little bit easier.

Write a thank you card

View from above of woman sitting at table writing a thank you note with coffee and cell phone nearby

One of the simplest and most touching ways you can say thank you is through a handwritten note. By taking time to thoughtfully select a card and add your own sentiments to it, you can really make the funeral home staff feel good about the work they have done. Plus, your words affirm that their role was important to your grief journey and that they really did help you during a time of loss. That’s what matters most – knowing they took care of you well!

Leave a Google review

View of cell phone open to review site with person about to submit 5-star review

If you prefer typing to handwriting, then leaving a Google review would be an excellent way to thank a funeral home. Not only will they have a chance to read your words of gratitude, others in the community will also see what you have rated the funeral home. In a time when reviews help us choose many services, leaving a positive review can really help the funeral home gain credibility in the community and become a resource for more area families during times of grief and loss. If you aren’t sure how to leave a Google review, ask the funeral home or check out this how-to guide.

Give the gift of food

Dad and daughter making homemade muffins in kitchen

Who doesn’t love good food? Whether it’s a box of donuts or muffins, an edible arrangement or Starbucks coffee traveler, homemade cookies or zucchini bread, or even a fully catered meal from the local breakfast joint, there are so many ways to say thank you with food. Simply choose an option that’s easy and meaningful to you and include a note. Funeral home staff work long hours and take few breaks, so you can bet that anything you drop off will be eaten and fully enjoyed!

Sign up for a video testimonial

Foreground with camera on tripod with blurred background of woman leaving a review

Many funeral homes are expanding their technological offerings. For some funeral homes, that means spreading the word about their services through video. If you would like to help the funeral home, consider signing up to give a personal testimonial. Think of it like a review but recorded! When other families hear your story, they will be even more comfortable choosing the funeral home for their own funeral care needs, when the time comes.

Offer a hug or handshake

Two men shaking hands warmly

For those of you who are huggers, feel free to give one to your funeral director and other staff members. They know how hard it is to lose a loved one and have personally experienced the roller coaster of emotions you’ve been through. Knowing that they made a difference in your life is all the thanks they need. And a hug speaks volumes! Of course, if you aren’t a hugger, no problem. Shake a hand or pat a shoulder instead. Pairing your words of gratitude with a small physical expression makes an impact!

Make a handmade gift

One person giving a wrapped gift to another person

Whether you love to knit, crochet, paint, woodwork, or do something else entirely, you can use your creativity to thank the funeral home staff. Knit scarves. Crochet beanies. Paint a mini canvas. Whittle figurines or an entire chess set. You can give a handmade gift to each individual person, or you can create something that will grace the funeral home as a whole, like a handmade pillow for a chair or couch. No matter what you love making, you can use your talent to say thank you.

Feel free to take these suggestions and run with them (one or even all of them). However, remember that you aren’t limited to these ideas. They are a starting place for your own creativity and imagination. And really, anything you do will touch the hearts of the funeral home staff – you can count on it!

Mourning as a Community in the Face of Tragedy

By Current Events, Exclude from Top Posts

Senseless. Horrifying. Heartbreaking. No words can capture the disbelief and heartbreak we feel at learning about the mass shooting in Allen, Texas, at Allen Premium Outlets. At this time eight victims are confirmed dead, and several others are receiving treatment at a local hospital. After an event like this, less than a year after the tragic events in Uvalde at Robb Elementary School, we’re all left stunned and grappling with questions.

Tragedies like the events unfolding in Allen encompass not only the grief and mourning of individual families but of entire communities. As we seek to mourn the victims and process the events, we should consider how to mourn together, as people, as communities.

People of different backgrounds and ethnicities holding hands in solidarity

Communally, how do we mourn such traumatic events?

Respected grief expert, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, has worked with families dealing with grief over the unexpected, traumatic death of a loved one. He says, “After someone you care about dies a sudden, violent death, you are forced to struggle with both the traumatic nature of the death and your grief over the loss. Naturally, traumatized mourners often find themselves replaying and reconsidering over and over the circumstances of the death. This is both normal and necessary. Such replay helps you begin to acknowledge the reality of the death and integrate it into your life. It’s as if your mind needs to devote time and energy to comprehending the circumstances of the death before it can move on to grieving the fact that this person will no longer be part of your life.”

As individuals, as communities, we struggle to comprehend these events. How and why would anyone do this? The survivors and the victims’ families will likely replay the day in their minds over and over. They may even wonder if they could have done something different. They couldn’t have. No one could have known what had been planned. So, now we ask, how do we move forward? We band together, support each other, and mourn as one.

What does it mean to mourn?

Grief is an internal feeling. It is the part of us that feels anguish over these events. Mourning is an outward expression of our internal grief, and it pushes us to externalize our grief, to take action to express that grief. Without externally expressing our grief, emotions can become internalized and remain inside us, unaddressed.

When an event touches an entire community, an entire nation, it is important to externalize our grief and mourn TOGETHER.

Woman attending a community vigil, holding a candle of remembrance

Community mourning – how do we do that?

Prayer Vigils

First, our churches and houses of worship can open their doors for prayer vigils. After the events at the Boston Marathon, places of worship all over the city opened their doors to the community. It was an act of communal mourning and a way to come together, grieve together, and heal together.

Candlelight Vigils

Similarly, individuals, businesses, churches, or schools can coordinate candlelight vigils and invite their communities to participate. In 2007, the Virginia Tech shooting horrified the nation. Then, and even now, ten years later, the community, the students, and the families came together to mourn and to remember those who lost their lives. The candle indicates the unity of those participating, their prayers and thoughts for the victims, and their desire to remember those who have been lost.

Many red carnations left a memorial for those who died

Memorials

Finally, communities mourn together through creating memorials. To mourn the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, people near and far came together, wrote prayer notes, paid their respects at memorials throughout town, mourning the tragic events together. These memorials help us feel connected to the victims. As a result, they give us a way to show that we care about them, that we mourn their loss.

Communal mourning events are important. We are all affected by this event in some measure, and we need to support each other, giving special support to the survivors and the families of the victims. A significant way that we, as friends, neighbors, and fellow Americans, can show our support is to come together to acknowledge and mourn this significant loss.

Person in white sweater leaving a flower memorial of pink flowers

How can we take action?

  1. Donate blood to your local blood bank.
  2. Give funds toward the victims’ funerals and assist the families financially.
  3. Participate in moments of silence, prayer or candlelight vigils, or visit memorials to offer a token of our mourning.
  4. Create an emergency plan for our families, in preparation for unexpected events.

It is imperative that we mourn as communities; that we support and pray for those most closely affected by this senseless act; and that we come together and deepen the ties of our communities. May God be with the families and friends of the victims of these tragedies.

Casket surrounded by floral arrangements, including floral scarf of red and white flowers

6 Ways to Personalize a Casket

By Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Personalization, Planning Tools

When planning a funeral service, the best way to create a truly unique, one-of-a-kind experience is to add personalized touches throughout the events. That might mean selecting special music, choosing a theme (like a certain color or pop culture reference), allowing family and friends to share memories, including hobby items or collectibles – there are so many options. But did you know that you can also personalize the casket itself? Let’s talk about 6 ways you can do it!

silver gray casket with casket spray of red roses lying on top

1. Choose a Color or Theme

If you have a specific vision for the perfect casket, all you need to do is speak with your chosen funeral home about your ideas. Whether you’d like a specific color (like purple, pink, or even zebra) or you’d like a specific theme (like space, John Deere tractors, or unicorns), the funeral director can work with you to ensure that your preferences are accommodated. You can also request custom head panel or lining fabric to complete the personalization.

2. Commission a Specific Shape

While the four-sided casket is the most popular choice in the United States, you can commission a specific shape. For instance, if you’d like a casket shaped like an M&M candy, a Viking longship, or even a pineapple, you can request it. Of course, it will take extra time and money to create a custom casket. With that in mind, speak with your funeral director to discuss the best way to move forward with a custom shape and how that may affect the timing of funeral services.

Bright blue casket with silver accents to showcase a custom casket idea

3. Add Etchings or Photos

Another option for personalizing a casket is to add etchings or photos to it. While photos are somewhat self-explanatory (you choose the ones you want to include), etchings may require a little explanation. With etchings, you can include any type of symbol you want – religious symbols, pop culture references, crests, anything you wish. You will work closely with the funeral director as you create the perfect design for your custom casket.

4. Place Special Items Inside the Casket

If you are looking for a way to personalize the casket without putting in a custom order, you can! Because the casket often has space along the sides or at the foot, it’s possible to bury a loved one with meaningful possessions. For example, you can include photos, special mementos, jewelry, stuffed animals, and other small items. If the person was a firefighter, you could include their helmet or a flag from their station. If they were a veteran, you can include any medals or special honors they received.

Casket draped with American flag at funeral service

5. Drape a Casket Blanket or Flag

When the casket is closed, you can always drape a casket blanket or flag over it to add personalization. A casket blanket is a beautifully designed floral arrangement that looks like a blanket and drapes over the casket. They are available in a variety of colors and create a truly stunning addition to the service. However, you can also use other items to drape over the casket. For example, you can drape a flag of any kind – an American flag, a sports team flag, an organization, etc. Also, if you’d like, you can also drape an actual blanket, like a quilt or throw. Whatever means the most to you and your family.

6. Select a Floral Accent

It’s quite common to accent a casket with a floral arrangement, but there are actually quite a few options to choose from. The casket blanket is one option, but you can also choose a casket spray, a floral garland, or a floral scarf.

  • Casket spray – most common; lays on top of the casket
  • Floral garland – flowers that are displayed at the hinge of an open casket; often constructed by binding together the arrangement with wire or tape until it is somewhat rope-like in appearance
  • Casket scarf – an arrangement that drapes over the top of the casket; displayed with fabric resembling a scarf

Casket surrounded by floral arrangements, including floral scarf of red and white flowers

As you can see, there are quite a few options for personalizing a casket. All you have to do is determine which ones make the most sense for your loved one and fit into your budget. At a time of loss, many families end up “emotionally overspending,” so before you commit to anything, speak with your funeral director about pricing and options.

Also, a quick note, it is possible to plan ahead for funeral wishes, so if you do want something specific for your casket, you can write those specifications down and set aside funds to pay for it. Set up a consultation with a funeral professional to learn more about how planning ahead for funeral wishes not only gives your family peace of mind, but it also gives you the opportunity to make your personal wishes known!

mother comforting her teen daughter

How to Help a Teenager Navigate Suicide Loss

By Grief/Loss, Loss from Suicide

Losing a loved one is hard, and losing someone to suicide can be even more challenging. Suicide is often stigmatized by society, and mourners must wrestle with questions they’ll likely never know the answer to. These questions can be especially difficult for teenagers, who are already in the process of defining their own identities and understanding of the world.

Unfortunately, suicide is becoming more and more common. In 2021, almost 50,000 people died from suicide, and 1.7 million adults attempted suicide. Teenagers are especially susceptible to suicide – about 1 out of every 10 high school students has attempted suicide and around 20% of high school students have contemplated suicide. The problem continues to grow, which is why it’s so important to support your teen when they lose someone – whether a family member, a friend, or a classmate – to suicide.

Losing someone they love to suicide can shake a teenager’s beliefs and leave them confused and torn. They may act out, withdraw from you or their friends, or become depressed. Going to the funeral of the person who died can be a great place to start, but your teen needs care and support throughout the days, months, and even years to come. You may not know how to help them, especially if you are also grieving, so here are five tips for how you can support your teenager during this difficult time.

Create a safe space

mother comforting her teen daughter

The suicide of a loved one can cause mourners to feel many different emotions – sadness, guilt, anger, fear, or even relief if the person was suffering. Both you and your teenager need to know that there is no right way to feel when grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide. Let your teenager know they can talk to you about their emotions without fear of judgment.

A great way to help your teenager feel comfortable exploring their grief with you is by asking them how you can support them. Don’t assume that your teenager needs the same things you do. Your teenager may already know how you can support them while they’re grieving but may not know how to ask for it. Maybe they want to sit and talk, read and discuss a book about grief, or go out and enjoy an activity with you to take their mind off their grief. By asking them how you can help them – and then following through – you can open doors of communication and create a safe space for them to ask questions, explore their grief, and cope in a healthy way.

As you talk with your teenager, don’t avoid the topic of suicide. Suicide carries a lot of stigma, and talking about suicide openly and gently will help your teenager feel safe enough to ask you the questions that are likely already on their mind. However, do avoid talking about graphic details of the suicide or placing blame on anyone for the suicide; instead, focus on positive conversations with your teenager about how you can support each other now.

Listen

mother listening to her daughter

When your teenager does open up to you, stop and listen. Your first instinct may be to offer suggestions, fix problems, or offer encouragement, but you must first take time to listen and understand your teenager. Listen without judgment, asking questions when appropriate. Your teenager may struggle with feelings you disagree with – like blaming themselves for their loved one’s death or questioning their beliefs – but they don’t need a lecture. Instead, they need you to listen, understand, and empathize with them.

Some teenagers may withdraw or avoid the topic of death, grief, or suicide completely. You can listen to them by respecting their wishes while leaving the door for conversation open. You could ask them questions gently, check in with them, and be available when they’re ready to open up. Many teenagers want to grieve with their friends, especially if the person who died was one of their peers. You may feel left out, but as long as your teenager gets support from somewhere, respecting their choice is a good idea.

Keep your routine – but be flexible

calendar and routine

The suicide of a loved one can shake mourners to their core. Even if your teenager didn’t know the person who died by suicide very well, their world might feel like it’s crumbling around them. Sticking to their usual routine can help them find a sense of normalcy during a time of upheaval. In addition, it may be easier for teens to practice self-care when sticking to their usual routine.

But even as you try to keep your routine going, allow for flexibility. Some days, your teenager may not feel up to going to basketball practice or choir rehearsal. They may need to take a mental health day off from school or extracurricular activities. Alternatively, your teenager may want to completely change their routine – and that’s okay, too. Listen to their needs and help them develop a routine that will fit their needs as they begin their grief journey.

Include them

parents comforting teenage son

Teenagers are still exploring what grieving a loss looks like, and by including them in your own grieving process, you can show them what healthy grieving looks like. You may be tempted to bottle up your emotions and stay strong for them, but don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Your teenager will likely appreciate your openness about your emotions and feel safer expressing their own.

You can also involve your teenager by letting them come up with ideas for honoring the memory of the person who died. For example, if your teen likes to paint, draw, or write, they may want to make something special to be displayed or read at the funeral. If your teen was on a team or in a club with the person who died, they could host a special meeting for everyone to share stories and grieve together. If your teenager is interested, allow them to come up with an idea to remember the person who died and help them make it a reality.

Seek outside support

counselor helping a teenage boy

Grief, especially from suicide loss, can be difficult for teens to navigate on their own. Plus, the suicide of a fellow teenager can lead to copycat suicides. While these aren’t extremely common, suicides of close friends, deaths of people the teen identifies with, or suicides that get a lot of media attention can lead to clusters of similar suicides. If you notice that your teen is struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts, or other risk factors, you may want to consider helping your teen sign up for professional support. Even if your teenager doesn’t seem to be at risk and just needs extra support, you can talk to them about the possibility of meeting with a grief support therapist.

You can also explore grief support groups in your area. Grief support groups can help your teen feel less alone since they will hear about others’ experiences. However, if your teen begins attending a grief support group, check with them about their experience. Grief support groups are all different, and instead of being comforted, your teenager may feel overwhelmed by hearing everyone’s stories.

During this difficult time, it’s important for your teen to know you are there to support them. As you grieve together, help them feel safe and comfortable asking questions. Their grief and reaction to the suicide may look different than yours, and that’s okay. Accept their feelings without judgment and let them know you’re there to walk alongside them and support them, no matter what.

Person standing next to flag-draped casket, hand resting on top of casket

Veterans’ Burial Benefits FAQ

By Planning Tools, Veterans 3 Comments

With so many benefits available to veterans, it’s hard to keep track of all of them. To help you out, here’s a list of frequently asked questions about burial benefits and their answers!

veteran cemetery headstones with small American flags and floral arrangement

Q: What are my burial benefits as a veteran?

A: The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) offers burial benefits for eligible veterans, their spouses, and their dependent children. These burial benefits include, at no cost to the family:

  • A burial space in a national cemetery. Burial spaces may not be arranged in advance but are offered to families as the need arises. In addition, certain state cemeteries offer burial spaces to veterans. Be sure to check with your local state cemetery about any fees or charges that may apply.
  • Grave liner, opening and closing of the grave, and perpetual care (for those buried in a national cemetery)
  • A government-issued headstone, marker, or medallion (all eligible veterans)
  • One burial flag (all eligible veterans)
  • A Presidential Memorial Certificate (all eligible veterans)
  • Burial and plot allowances (amounts determined by VA; only for veterans not buried in a national cemetery)

For more in-depth information about these benefits, contact your local VA office, go to www.benefits.va.gov, or speak with a funeral professional who is well-versed in veterans’ burial benefits.

Q: Will the VA pay for my funeral?

A: The VA does not directly pay for funeral or burial/cremation expenses, such as the cost of a casket, embalming, cremation, viewing, flowers, obituaries, or transportation of the remains. However, the person who paid for the funeral expenses of a veteran may be eligible to apply for a reimbursement or “allowance” for a portion of the funeral and burial/cremation expenses. You will find instructions on how to apply for a reimbursement here.

Person standing next to flag-draped casket, hand resting on top of casket

Q: What type of reimbursement or allowance does the VA provide for funeral expenses?

A: The VA offers an allowance to cover a portion of funeral and burial/cremation costs. If a veteran dies due to a service-connected cause, the family of a veteran may be eligible for an allowance of up to $2,000.  For a non-service-connected death, the VA will pay a specified amount to the family. Plot interment and burial/cremation and funeral allowance amounts are dependent on the date of death and whether or not the veteran was under VA hospital care at the time of death.

Q: What determines eligibility for VA burial benefits, allowances, and reimbursements?

A: To receive VA burial benefits, you must be a veteran of the Armed Forces (Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps, Coast Guard) with a discharge other than dishonorable. If a veteran has anything less than a general discharge, he or she may not qualify for burial benefits. Certain discharges other than honorable are considered on a case-by-case basis by the VA Regional Office to determine eligibility.

Reservists and National Guard members may qualify based on their retirement status and whether or not they died while on active duty or on official orders. Spouses and minor or disabled children of an eligible veteran may also be eligible for burial benefits. In some cases, parents of an eligible veteran may be eligible for burial benefits as well.

To determine your specific eligibility status, contact your VA Regional Office or visit www.cem.va.gov/cem/burial_benefits/eligible.asp for a complete list of eligibility requirements.

Next of kin receiving the burial flag from a uniformed service member

Q: What benefits will my family members receive?

A: Burial benefits are available to eligible spouses and dependents who choose burial in a national cemetery. Benefits include burial with the veteran, perpetual care, and the spouse or dependent’s name and date of birth and death inscribed on the veteran’s headstone.

Q: How does my family request military honors?

A: Once you have a funeral home partner, your funeral director will contact the honor guard to request military honors. At the committal service, the service member will present one burial flag to the next of kin. Make sure to let your funeral director know to whom the flag should be presented.

Q: How can I ensure my family receives the benefits they are entitled to?

A: First, ensure that your family is aware of your veteran status and your desire for them to access your veterans’ burial benefits when you die. Second, to access your burial benefits, they will need a copy of your DD 214 form or an equivalent form. This form identifies the classification of discharge. If the DD 214 form is misplaced or lost, contact Veteran Affairs or your local Veteran Service Officer to request a replacement form. You can also find more information online here.

Administrative military service member providing DD 214 documentation, signing it

Q: What is the difference between a national cemetery and a state cemetery?

A: The main difference is that state governments manage state veteran cemeteries. However, in many cases, VA grants fund state veteran cemeteries, so they must adhere to federal eligibility requirements.

Burial benefits often include opening and closing of the grave, perpetual care, grave liner, and the setting of the government-furnished headstone or marker. Eligible veterans also receive one burial flag and a Presidential Memorial Certificate.

Please note, some state cemeteries may charge for interment of the veteran and eligible spouse or dependent children. Check with your funeral director to get more information about the state veteran cemeteries in your area.

Q: If I choose burial in a private cemetery, will I still receive benefits?

A: Veterans buried in a private cemetery may be eligible to receive a government-furnished headstone, marker, or medallion, one burial flag, and Presidential Memorial Certificate, at no cost to the family. The VA will not pay for cemetery plots or opening and closing of graves at private cemeteries. However, your family can apply for a reimbursement (called an “allowance,” as mentioned above). Spouses and dependents buried in a private cemetery are not eligible to receive any VA benefits.

Q: What happens if my non-veteran spouse or child dies first?

A: Eligible spouses and dependents may be buried in a national cemetery, even if they predecease the veteran. If you are interested in burial at a state veteran cemetery, contact the cemetery directly to find out their regulations on the burial of a non-veteran spouse or child.

Folded American flag lying on top of a granite headstone that says R.I.P.

Q: How does my family file a claim for burial benefits?

A: For information on how to apply for a burial allowance or plot allowance, click here. If you would like to request burial in a national cemetery, the easiest thing is to let your funeral director know. They can take care of most details for you. However, if you’d like, you can contact the National Cemetery Administration directly at 800-698-2411 (TTY: 711).

Q: As a veteran, can I be buried at Arlington National Cemetery?

A: Burials at Arlington National Cemetery are reserved for:

  • Service members who die on active duty
  • Military retirees
  • Recipients of the Medal of Honor, Distinguished Service Cross, Navy Cross, Air Force Cross, Distinguished Service Medal, Silver Star, or Purple Heart
  • Burial is also available for eligible spouses and dependent children

Q: Does the VA cover the cost of transportation to a national or state cemetery?

A: If a veteran dies as the result of a service-connected disability, is under VA care at the time of death, or is receiving a VA pension or compensation, some or all of the costs for transporting the veteran’s remains to a national cemetery may be reimbursed. The VA will advise the next of kin or person making the burial arrangements on this matter.

Hopefully, the answers to these frequently asked questions have helped you get a better understanding of the veterans’ burial benefits available through the Department of Veterans Affairs. But of course, should you have questions, don’t hesitate to reach out to the VA directly or contact a trusted funeral professional. Thank you for your service!

Shows a view of graves at Arlington National Cemetery with cherry blossom trees

Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: Arlington National Cemetery

By Memorial, Veterans

Our debt to the heroic men and valiant women in the service of our country can never be repaid. They have earned our undying gratitude. America will never forget their sacrifices.” – President Harry S. Truman

Memorial Day is a day set aside every year to honor and remember the many men and women who have died while serving the United States of America and its people. As we seek to honor them, let us remember them and the great sacrifices they made to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Arlington National Cemetery

Shows a view of graves at Arlington National Cemetery with cherry blossom trees

The most well-known of all military cemeteries in the United States, Arlington National Cemetery is a beautiful, solemn, and reverent place, filled with a spirit of heroism, courage, sacrifice, and dedication. With occupants from every major American conflict since the Revolutionary War, Arlington National Cemetery is the final resting place of more than 400,000 military service members and their eligible dependents.

In the beginning, the cemetery was just 200 acres (1864) but has since grown to 639 acres (2020). At present, 25-30 funerals are conducted every weekday and 7-8 each day of the weekend. With burial space dwindling, the National Cemetery Administration is looking into options for how they can ensure military members can continue to request interment at Arlington National Cemetery.

Shows military funeral procession at Arlington National Cemetery complete with horse-drawn caisson

How It Came to Be

The cemetery has a rather unusual history. Arlington National Cemetery used to be Arlington House, the historic family residence of Robert E. Lee. Yes, that Robert E. Lee. Originally established by George Washington Parke Custis, adoptive grandson of George Washington, Arlington House was passed down to Mary Custis Lee, wife of Robert E. Lee.

The Lee family made their home at Arlington House prior to the American Civil War, but they were forced to abandon it after war was declared. Then, the U.S. Army seized the estate for its strategic location overlooking every federal building in the nation’s capital. On May 13, 1864, the first burial was conducted – for Private William Christman. By the end of the war, approximately 16,000 soldiers were interred on the grounds.

However, after the war ended, the Lee family challenged ownership of the estate, saying that it had been illegally confiscated during the war. Taxes had been due, but the family was denied the opportunity to pay the taxes, resulting in the loss of the home. After many years and court dates, the U.S. Supreme Court agreed with the Lee family in 1882. Ownership was returned to George Washington Custis Lee, son of Robert and Mary Custis Lee. He then sold the land back to the U.S. federal government, so it could continue as a national cemetery.

For an even more in-depth history of the cemetery, click here to read an article from Smithsonian Magazine.

Significant Features of the Cemetery

In addition to paying their respects and taking in the sea of white headstones, many visitors to Arlington National Cemetery will stop by three main features: the Eternal Flame, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and Arlington House.

The Eternal Flame

Shows Eternal Flame at John F. Kennedy's gravesite

Of the many Americans buried in Arlington National Cemetery, John F. Kennedy (commonly called JFK), the 35th president of the United States, is perhaps one of the most famous. After his assassination in 1963, his wife Jackie Kennedy wanted the American public to have access to JFK’s grave, so they might pay their respects. As a veteran, JFK was eligible for burial at Arlington National Cemetery.

In the three years following his death, it’s estimated that more than 16 million people visited his final resting place. Because of the large crowds, the Kennedy family constructed a larger grave site and included the Eternal Flame, a symbol of hope and renewal, at the center of its circular design. Jackie Kennedy first lit the flame in 1967.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Three soldiers standing in front of The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, saluting and honoring the soldiers represented

Another prominent and well-known feature of the cemetery is the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. The most hallowed of all graves at Arlington National Cemetery, the tomb is dedicated to the unidentified dead of war.

Constructed in 1921 following World War I, an unidentified solider was selected at random to represent all U.S. unidentified fallen soldiers of the conflict. Now, the tomb also holds the remains of unidentified service members from World War II and the Korean War. Until 1998, a Vietnam War soldier also lay to rest in the tomb. However, through DNA testing, he was identified and returned to his family. His place remains vacant to this day.

The tomb is also famous for its Sentinels or tomb guards. The memorial is guarded 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and this elite group of soldiers consider it the highest honor to serve. They wear no rank insignia, command silence and respect at the tomb, and actively guard the tomb from any threat. For more information about the tomb, click here.

Arlington House

Shows Arlington House high on the hill, surrounded by blossoming trees and green grass

Originally built by George Washington Parke Custis, the house was intended to be a living memorial to President George Washington. Designed in the Greek revival style, the house includes several wings with bedrooms, formal dining and sitting rooms, a large hall, and a parlor. Following the death of her father, Mary Custis Lee inherited the home, and she and her husband Robert E. Lee lived there for 30 years until the outbreak of the American Civil War.

Built high on a hill overlooking the Potomac River, the house’s memorable exterior includes eight, massive columns. Today, Arlington National Cemetery visitors can tour the home at their leisure. A National Park Ranger is always on duty to answer questions. Arlington House is the most visited home in the entire National Park system, and it’s in the top 5 of most visited historical homes in the United States. It is a striking addition to any visit to the beautiful cemetery grounds.

Shows the inscription on a military headstone

Why Do We Have Memorials?

Permanent memorials ensure a lasting tribute for those who have been loved and lost. They also allow us, as people, to honor those we wish to always remember. Just as we create memorials for our heroes, we also create them for our loved ones. There are five key reasons why permanent memorials are important, whether it is to commemorate an event, a group of people, or just one person, like a close loved one.

  1. A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
  2. It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects and connect with those who have died.
  3. It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
  4. A permanent memorial allows people the opportunity to remember and reflect on the lives lived.
  5. It ensures that the dead are remembered and respected.

For many of our veterans, a large-scale memorial honors the group as a whole, as is the case with the Vietnam Veterans Memorial or the World War II Memorial. However, at Arlington National Cemetery, individuals are honored. Each headstone states the name and rank of a specific person and remembers their individual service and sacrifice for our nation.

Wreaths on veteran gravesites

Want to Get Involved?

If you would like to honor those buried in Arlington National Cemetery, consider giving to Wreaths Across America. Every December, this organization lays wreaths at veteran graves at more than 3,700 locations across the nation. If you’d like to get involved, consider sponsoring a wreath or volunteering to participate in a wreath-laying ceremony. For more details, visit the Wreaths Across America website here.

Shows image of full memorial

Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: Marine Corps War Memorial

By Memorial, Veterans

Among those who served on Iwo Jima, uncommon valor was a common virtue.” – Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz

Memorial Day is a day set aside every year to honor and remember the many men and women who have died while serving the United States of America and its people. As we seek to honor them, let us remember them and the great sacrifices they made to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Marine Corps War Memorial

Shows image of full memorial

Also known as the Iwo Jima War Memorial, the Marine Corps War Memorial is dedicated to the lives and memory of all Marines who have given their lives in service to the United States since November 10, 1775. A commanding presence, the monument rests on a 7 and ½ acre tract of land approximately 100 feet above the Potomac River. While the monument honors Marines across nearly three centuries, the statue depicts events from Iwo Jima during World War II, a much-contested island during the battle for the Pacific.

How It Came to Be

After the end of World War II, Congress commissioned a memorial to honor the United States Marine Corps. During the Battle for Iwo Jima, six Marines hoisted an American flag atop Mount Suribachi, and photographer Joe Rosenthal of the Associated Press captured the iconic moment. The photo went on to win a Pulitzer Prize and became an inspiration for the Marine Corps War Memorial.

It took sculptor Felix de Weldon nine years to complete the project (1945-1954). Using a design created by Horace W. Peaslee, de Weldon first created the statue in plaster before taking it to Brooklyn, N.Y., for casting in bronze. The casting process alone took three years to complete. Once cast, the disassembled pieces were taken to Washington, D.C., where they were bolted and welded together. To make the statue as realistic as possible, de Weldon even modeled the faces of the men after the original flag-raisers. He was able to cast the faces of two of the surviving flag raisers faces in clay. He also scoured available pictures and records for the likenesses of the remaining four flag raisers.

The total cost of the memorial was $850,000, paid for with private donations from Marines and friends of the Marine Corps.  President Dwight D. Eisenhower dedicated the memorial on November 10, 1954, the 179th anniversary of the U.S. Marine Corps.

Shows dedication plaque that is affixed to Marine Corps War Memorial

The Story Behind the Marine Corps War Memorial

The island of Iwo Jima was considered strategically important during the Pacific theater of World War II. It was valuable for its ability to support long-range bombing missions against mainland Japan. Additionally, the Allies planned to use the island for sea and air blockades, intensive air bombardment, and a greater ability to destroy enemy air and naval capabilities.

The fighting began on February 19, 1945, and lasted 36 days. One regiment – the 28th Marines – sought to capture the extinct volcano Mount Suribachi. They did so on February 23, and as a result, there were actually two flag raisings. The first occurred on the morning of February 23 when the Marines first took the volcano, but the American flag was very small. As a result, Marines fighting all over the island couldn’t see the flag and gain encouragement from it. For that reason, later that same afternoon, six Marines hoisted a larger American flag in its place. It is this second flag raising that photographer Joe Rosenthal captured and became the inspiration for the Marine Corps War Memorial.

The six flag raisers were:

For many years, Rene Gagnon was believed to be one of the six, but the Marine Corps has since corrected that. However, Gagnon did play a major role. He carried the larger flag to the summit and then brought the smaller flag back down.

By the end of the fight for Iwo Jima on March 26, nearly 7,000 Marines had lost their lives. Amongst their number were Sergeant Strank, Corporal Block, and PFC Sousley. But the courage and determination of the Marines live on through the gratitude of an entire nation and the creation of the Marine Corps War Memorial.

Shows illustration of which figures are which men

Marine Corps War Memorial Statistics

  • The figures are 32 feet tall.
  • The bronze flagpole is 60 feet tall.
  • The flag flies 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
  • The figures occupy the same positions they did in the iconic Rosenthal image.
  • The M-l rifle and the carbine featured in the statue are 16 and 12 feet long, respectively.
  • The canteen would hold 32 quarts of water.
  • The figures stand on a rock slope above a granite base. The granite came from Sweden.
  • The entire memorial is about 78 feet tall.
  • The names and dates of every principal Marine Corps engagement form a gold ring around the base.

Why Do We Have Memorials?

Permanent memorials ensure a lasting tribute for those who have been loved and lost. They also allow us, as people, to honor those we wish to always remember. Just as we create memorials for our heroes, we also create them for our loved ones. There are five key reasons why permanent memorials are important, whether commemorating an event, a group of people, or just one person, like a close loved one.

  1. A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
  2. It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay respects and connect with those who have died.
  3. It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
  4. A permanent memorial allows people to remember and reflect on lives lost.
  5. It ensures that the dead are remembered and respected.

Large-scale memorials, such as the Vietnam Veterans Memorial or the World War II Memorial, honor an entire group. However, for individuals, families set headstones, grave markers, or inscriptions in place. Both types of memorialization are important and honoring to our veterans and our loved ones. 

Shows Marine uniform, dog tags, and boot

Want to Get Involved?

If you’d like to honor the Marines, consider volunteering with or donating to non-profits that support Marines and their families. A few reputable organizations to check out are the Marine Corps Association, the Marine Corps League Foundation, Semper Fi & America’s Fund, and the Marine Corps Scholarship Foundation.

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