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Jun 01
Love0
Soldiers dressed in Continental Army uniforms, holding rifles

Ladies of Liberty: Remembering Deborah Sampson

By Exclude from Top Posts, Seasonal

“I became an actor in that important drama with an inflexible resolution to persevere through the last scene, when we might be permitted and acknowledged to enjoy what we had so nobly declared we would possess or lose with our lives – Freedom and Independence!” – Deborah Sampson

As we mark the Fourth of July and the independence brought about after the Revolutionary War, it’s impossible not to remember the historical men and women who played key roles in the creation of our nation. Men like George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson are easily remembered, but what about the women – the ladies of liberty – who also deserve our remembrance and respect? Today, let’s talk about Deborah Sampson, a woman whose story you may never have heard.

Biography

Early life

The first of seven children, Deborah was born on December 17, 1760, near Plympton, Massachusetts. Her parents struggled financially, and while she was still a child, her father Jonathan Sampson Jr. died at sea. Her mother could not support all seven children, so they were each sent to live in different homes. Eventually, young Deborah became an indentured servant in the home of Benjamin Thomas, a farmer with a large family. She lived with them until her indenture was complete at age 18.

After her time with the Thomas family was complete, Deborah worked as a teacher in the summer and a weaver in the winter. But then, in 1782, Deborah did something completely unexpected – she disguised herself as a man and enlisted in the Fourth Massachusetts Regiment in the Continental Army. Her alias was Robert Shurtleff, and it was more than 18 months before she was discovered.

Military service

While incognito, Deborah was assigned to Captain George Webb’s famous Light Infantry. Some of her missions included scouting neutral territory to assess British build-up, leading 30 infantrymen in an expedition that ended in a skirmish, and raiding a Tory home where 15 men were taken prisoner.

At one point, she took a bullet to the shoulder, but in order to stay undiscovered, she removed the bullet herself rather than seek medical attention. However, in the summer of 1783 (mere weeks before the Treaty of Paris was signed), she fell unconscious with a high fever and her gender was discovered by the attending physician. Interestingly, she was not reprimanded, but was instead given an honorable discharge on October 25, 1783.

Soldiers dressed in Continental Army uniforms, holding rifles

Following the war

After the war ended, Deborah returned to Massachusetts where she married a farmer named Benjamin Gannett in 1784. They had three children together and adopted a fourth. In 1792, she petitioned the Massachusetts State Legislature to receive back pay for her service, and she won.

Then, in 1802, she went on a lecture tour in Massachusetts, New York, and Rhode Island, where she talked about her experiences in the Continental Army. She was the first American woman to complete a lecture tour, and it was quite the success. Afterward, she petitioned Congress that she be allowed to receive a disability pension due to a shoulder injury she sustained. Though it took time, and she was denied once, Deborah ultimately won the pension. She became the only woman to receive a military pension associated with service in the Revolutionary War.

Not much is known about her later years, but in April 1827, Deborah died in Sharon, Massachusetts. Her headstone in Sharon honors her service and calls her, “The Female Soldier.”

Key Contributions

Much of Deborah’s story is unknown, but without a doubt, she was committed to the cause for independence and made history. While she is the most famous, she is not the only woman to have served in the Revolutionary War. Other women include Anna Maria Lane, Elizabeth Gilmore, Anne Bailey, and Margaret Corbin, to name a few. We also honor and remember them for being ladies of liberty.

However, unlike her counterparts, Deborah’s dedication and commitment were recognized and honored by state and federal governments – long before women were allowed to vote or have a voice in political matters. In this, she is unique and showcases the strength and fortitude of Revolutionary Era women.

shows encampment tents common to the Revolutionary War

Interesting Facts

  • The only woman to receive a full military pension for participation in the Continental Army
  • A descendent of two prominent Mayflower families: Myles Standish and William Bradford
  • Joined the Fourth Massachusetts Regiment disguised as a man named Robert Shurtleff
  • A member of George Webb’s Light Infantry, which was the most active troop in the Hudson Valley during her time of service
  • Shot during a skirmish, it’s said she left the bullet in her shoulder, so she could continue to serve undetected
  • Her life story was recorded in The Female Review, or Memoirs of an American Young Lady (by Herman Mann); it is thought that some stories were likely embellished
  • The first American woman to go on a lecture tour
  • The only woman to receive a full military pension for service during the Revolutionary War
  • After her death, her husband was granted pay for being the spouse of a soldier, and the committee stated that the Revolution had “furnished no other similar example of female heroism, fidelity, and courage.”
  • Outside the public library in Sharon, Massachusetts, a statue stands in memory of her Revolutionary War service

The Importance of Legacy and Remembrance

As you can see, Deborah Sampson lived an exciting and unconventional life in many ways. She was a survivor. An overcomer. A soldier and a patriot. A wife and mother. A public speaker. A woman of resilience and strength. She left a clear legacy, both to her children and to the fledgling nation she helped found.

As we remember Deborah Sampson and the events that made her life both ordinary and extraordinary, take a moment to think about your own life. Are you leaving a legacy that you and your family can be proud of? Have you shared what’s most important with those you care about?

With our legacies, we contribute to the future. What we do matters. While most of us will never be famous or well-known, that’s not the point of a legacy. Instead, think of legacy as your opportunity to take your family and the next generation to a level you can only imagine. Just like Deborah did!

Jun 01
Love0
Waman in white dress sitting at table with candles, paper, and quill pen

Ladies of Liberty: Remembering Abigail Adams

By Exclude from Top Posts, Seasonal

“To be good, and do good, is the whole duty of man comprised in a few words.” – Abigail Adams

As we mark the Fourth of July and the independence brought about after the Revolutionary War, it’s impossible not to remember the historical men and women who played key roles in the creation of our nation. Men like George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson are easily remembered, but what about the women – the ladies of liberty – who also deserve our remembrance and respect? Today, let’s talk about Abigail Adams and the indelible mark she left upon our nation.

Portrait of Abigail Adams Portrait of John Adams
(Portraits of Abigail and John Adams later in life)

Biography

Early years

Born in Weymouth, Massachusetts, on November 11, 1744, Abigail was the second child of Reverend William and Elizabeth Quincy Smith. Like many women of her time, Abigail was educated at home, and she showed a great voracity for learning and reading. Even beyond lessons from her tutor, she took it upon herself to read the books in her father’s library and became one of the most well-read women in the 18th century.

Through a mutual friend, Abigail met John Adams in 1759, and soon, they began a courtship. Even with a nine-year age difference, the two were a match in both heart and mind. They married in 1764 and had their first child within a year. Throughout the early years of their marriage, the Adamses focused on John’s career as a lawyer, caring for the family farm, and raising four children.

Rise to prominence

In 1770, John’s name rose to greater prominence when he elected to defend the nine British soldiers on trial for the Boston Massacre. With greater and greater responsibilities before him, John was away from home more and more. This led to a series of famous letters between he and Abigail. In fact, over the course of their marriage, the two exchanged more than 1,100 letters! And in each one, John sought his wife’s guidance, wisdom, and opinions, which she freely gave.

When you compare John’s political stance with the opinions expressed by his wife in their extensive letters, it’s clear to see that he greatly valued her mind and her thoughts. In many ways, it was their partnership that helped form a new nation.

John Adams would go on to serve as a Continental Congress representative, a U.S. Minister, Vice President, and President of the United States. Through each season of life, Abigail stood staunchly by his side. When she stayed at their home in Massachusetts, she educated the children and kept the farm prosperous. Additionally, when possible, she shared information about military confrontations around Boston. She and her son, John Quincy, witnessed the Battle of Bunker Hill from a hill near their farm.

Sepia-toned map of the Braintree and Weymouth area where the Adamses lived

Becoming First Lady

After the conclusion of the war, Abigail joined her husband in France and Great Britain where he served as a U.S. Minister. Upon their return to the United States, John was elected Vice President under George Washington (1789-1797) and then President (1797-1801). After one term, John lost the presidency to Thomas Jefferson. He and Abigail retired to their home in Massachusetts. After 54 years and four children together, Abigail died of typhoid fever on October 28, 1818. At her death, her husband stated, “I wish I could lay down beside her and die, too.”

With her quick wit, strong opinions, and fierce love of freedom and independence, Abigail Adams is considered the strongest female voice in the American Revolution. We will never know what would have happened had she not expressed her opinions and partnered – shoulder to shoulder – with her husband, and we don’t want to know.

Key Contributions

Through her extensive letters with husband John Adams, we have a clear view of what life looked like for Revolutionary Era women. Abigail is most known for her strong and firm opinions on the:

  • Abolition of slavery
  • Rights of women, especially education
  • Importance of independence and representation

Additionally, she was also a pivotal presence in her son John Quincy Adams’ political career. Though she did not live to see him elected the 6th president of the United States, her influence and wisdom played a large role in his success.

Though she herself refused to publish her personal correspondence, her grandson Charles Francis Adams arranged for their release. By doing so, he forever preserved her unique experience and perspective on American life and democracy.

Waman in white dress sitting at table with candles, paper, and quill pen

Interesting Facts

  • Abigail was both the wife (John Adams – 2nd) and the mother (John Quincy Adams – 6th) of U.S. Presidents. The only other woman to hold this distinction is Barbara Bush.
  • Often unappreciated by her critics, scathingly called “Mrs. President” due to the amount of influence she had with her husband
  • The first Second Lady of the United States (wife of the first Vice President)
  • The first First Lady to live in what would become the White House
  • Had a total of six children, but two daughters died in infancy
  • President Harry S. Truman had a high opinion of her, and stated, “She would have been a better President than her husband.”
  • Became close friends with Martha Washington, George Washington’s wife
  • Missed her husband’s inauguration to care for his dying mother

The Importance of Legacy and Remembrance

As you can see, Abigail Adams led a noteworthy life, though she may not have said so herself. She was a wise and loving wife. A devoted mother. A staunch feminist. A bold abolitionist. A tireless letter writer and communicator. A woman with deep thoughts and strong ideals. She left a clear legacy, both to her children and to the fledgling nation she helped found.

As we remember Abigail Adams and the events that made her life both ordinary and extraordinary, take a moment to think about your own life. Are you leaving a legacy that you and your family can be proud of? Have you shared what’s most important with those you care about?

With our legacies, we contribute to the future. What we do matters. While most of us will never be famous or well-known, that’s not the point of a legacy. Instead, think of legacy as your opportunity to take your family and the next generation to a level you can only imagine. Just like Abigail did!

May 30
Love0
Couple holding hands at a graveyard

What to Do When Things Go Wrong at a Funeral

By Meaningful Funerals

Attending a loved one’s funeral can be emotionally challenging, and you may feel grief, pain, and confusion at the ceremony. That’s where having a problem-free funeral for your loved one can help make things easier. But sometimes, certain situations can cause problems for you and those grieving.

Most funerals go off without a hitch because funeral professionals work tirelessly behind the scenes to make sure everything runs smoothly. While most funerals experience few problems, sometimes issues come up that can’t be controlled.

If a problem does occur, there are many ways to overcome and diffuse the incident. Here are 6 rare but possible problems that could happen at your loved one’s funeral and how to make the best of the situation.

1. Disruptive Guests

people and mourning concept - woman with red roses and coffin at funeral in church

Not all guests understand proper funeral etiquette. A few guests may let unsilenced cell phones, noisy children, persistent sneezing, or other distractions occur. These distractions can make it difficult to focus on honoring your loved one.

You can ask the funeral director to speak with the disruptor if this occurs. The funeral director can calmly and quickly resolve the situation without escalating things or involving other guests. You can also suggest that the funeral home post a sign outside the chapel outlining how guests should conduct themselves.

2. Inappropriate Comments

In times of pain and sorrow, some guests might abandon their better judgment. For example, some guests may think it appropriate to share embarrassing family history, stories, or opinions that don’t honor the life of the deceased or offer healing to those grieving, no matter how many times they’re asked not to make such comments.

Suppose the guest insists on continuing with their comments. In that case, the best choice you can make is to avoid engaging with this individual. Remove yourself from the conversation until the unnecessary comments have stopped.

Once the guest realizes their inappropriate comments are falling on deaf ears, they’ll likely cease sharing their thoughts.

3. Feuds and Fights

Silhouette of a angry woman and man on each other. Relationship difficulties

The chances that an argument or a fight will occur at your loved one’s funeral are unlikely. Still, fights have occurred at funerals, so it’s best to be prepared. Most fights begin as passionate arguments. If an argument breaks out, assist other guests in separating the feuding parties, as this will encourage cooler heads to prevail.

If a fight begins, the most important thing you can do is to stay out of the fighting. Do not engage or try to break up the fight. Instead, find a funeral home staff member and let them handle the situation.

In extreme cases, the police may need to intervene. You can call law enforcement in an attempt to bring the ordeal to an end.

4. Dropped Casket

Sad, funeral and people with coffin at church for service, mourning and grief over death.

While a dropped casket may seem lesser than fighting guests, it can still be startling and upsetting for those attending the funeral. A dropped casket by a pallbearer could happen for various reasons, but one outcome is certain – the pallbearer will feel terrible about what’s happened.

Show the pallbearer kindness by offering words of encouragement and reassurance. Let the pallbearer know that they meant so much to the deceased and helped honor the life and legacy of the loved one. Hopefully, the pallbearer’s shame and embarrassment will ease, thanks to you.

5. Late Arrival

Arriving on time is a simple way to show respect, especially at a funeral. However, some guests may arrive after the ceremony has started. To ensure late guests do not become disruptive, have the funeral home place a sign outside the chapel asking late guests to enter quietly and sit in the back.

And while even more unlikely, there are stories of the pastor, preacher, officiant, or chaplain arriving late or not coming at all. Of course, the minister should arrive early, but you have options if that doesn’t happen.

You can suggest that a family member or a close friend step in. They can read the obituary and say a few words about the loved one’s legacy. Then you can invite other friends and family members to share their most precious memories and stories.

6. Unseemly Selfies

Stick to Self and smartphone on the old boards.

Growing up as a kid, you may have never dreamed of taking a photo of the deceased at a funeral. However, things are different nowadays, as most adults and children have a camera in their pockets.

Whether you agree or disagree with the #CorpseSelfie movement, it’s important to remember that funerals are necessary to help guests process their grief and honor and respect loved ones. Unfortunately, funeral selfies often focus attention on the guest rather than the deceased.

If you see someone taking a picture of or with the body, gently ask them to stop, as many of the guests may see their actions as disrespectful. You can ask the funeral home staff to get involved if your request is ignored.

Your loved one’s funeral will be emotionally challenging. Still, it will allow you and others to remember their legacy and say goodbye. The funeral will likely have no problems and will be a source of healing for years to come. Life does happen, however, and people aren’t perfect. So, if a problem does arise, use these suggestions to make the best of the situation. That way, the problem is a minor mishap you and your family can smile about later.

May 26
Love0
Depressed young man sitting on the bench in tunnel.

Grief and Father’s Day: Remembering Your Child

By Grief/Loss

Father’s Day, like other holidays, can be a trying time for those grieving – especially for fathers who have lost a child. While losing a loved one is never easy, losing a child is one of the most painful challenges we can face in life. The pain of loss can consume all we do, making it feel impossible to find joy. That pain can also rob us of celebrating life’s happiest moments, like Father’s Day, as celebrations become just another reminder of what we have lost.

Whether this is your first Father’s Day following the loss of a child or if it’s been years since their passing, your grief may be overpowering your joy. You may be dreading the thought of celebrating Father’s Day. You may even wonder if you are allowed to celebrate Father’s Day if your loss was of your only child.

No matter how much pain you’re feeling, remember that you and your family are allowed to enjoy special days while grieving. The key is finding a balance between joy and grief.

So, this Father’s Day, lead your loved ones in celebrating the paternal figures in your life and the memory of your child. Remember the positive impact your child had on you, your spouse/partner, and your other children. Here are a few ideas to help get you started.

Honor Your Child’s Memory

Happy family of three persons walking the grass in the park.

Your child’s memory will be with you forever, but it can be hard to remember the good times when grief consumes all you do. Use Father’s Day as an opportunity to honor your child’s memory by taking part in their favorite activity. You can watch their favorite movie, eat their favorite meal, play their favorite game, or do something else they enjoyed. This intentional activity can help you feel closer to your child and make Father’s Day truly special for you and your family.

Tell Favorite Stories of Your Child

When we lose a loved one, the pain of loss can sometimes grip our ability to talk about them. That’s why sharing heartfelt stories of your loved one is important. Stories can help you acknowledge the reality of the loss and move you toward healthy grieving. The same is true if you’ve lost a child. Share stories of your child that make you laugh, smile, or even cry. But ultimately, share stories that make you proud to be their dad. Your child touched so many lives, so embrace their impact together as a family.

Share Your Love and Support for Your Family

Support, love and couple holding hands in a therapy session while talking to a relationship therapist.

Sometimes it takes losing a loved one for us to understand the importance of saying ‘I love you.’ Whether you say it every day or typically keep your emotions to yourself, tell your family how much they mean to you this Father’s Day. Let your words speak life and support your family on their grief journey. Father’s Day is the perfect time to express how much your family means to you. You can even write notes or letters to your surviving children, letting them know how much you care.

Take Time to Reflect

Spending time with your family on Father’s Day is important, but you may need a few moments for yourself as you grieve the loss of your child. You’ll likely feel a mix of emotions, which is perfectly normal. So, take time to reflect on your loss without distractions. Write your thoughts in a journal. Visit your child’s grave. Speak to a trusted friend or mentor, if you don’t want to be alone. All these options can help you take account of your emotions on what may be a difficult day.

Make Father’s Day Special

Rear view of little girl holding paper card behind her back, greeting positive adult man with Father's Day.

Balancing joy and grief is one of the most difficult things we can do in times of loss. Yet, finding that balance is also one of the most important things we can do to heal. You may believe that it’s wrong for you to celebrate Father’s Day with your family, but finding happiness through your pain is key to healthy grieving. Enjoy the time you have with your family, go out for a nice dinner, and smile as you unwrap your Father’s Day gifts. Though grief never leaves us, it also shouldn’t stay at the forefront of our lives forever.

If you’ve experienced the horrible pain of losing a child, you know that holidays, like Father’s Day, can be difficult. But find peace in knowing that your grief is proof of your intense love for your child, and that love will never fade. Instead of fearing Father’s Day, use that special Sunday in June to remember all the joy your child brought you and your family. And don’t forget, your child will live forever in your memory, so you’ll never have to celebrate Father’s Day without them.

For more resources, please see:

May 25
Love0
1950s jukebox

11 Songs from the 1950s for a Celebration of Life

By Meaningful Funerals, Music

1950s jukebox

Did you know that you can use your loved one’s favorite music to personalize their funeral? Music plays an important role in a funeral by helping mourners express emotions they may not be able to put into words. Personalized songs and music that was special to your loved one can help create a healing and meaningful funeral for your family and friends. Many people have a deep connection with the music they grew up with, which makes songs from their childhood a great choice for their memorial service. If your loved one grew up in the 1950s or just enjoyed the swinging, melodic sounds of the decade, here are a few songs that you could play at their funeral or celebration of life.

Beyond the Sea (Bobby Darin, 1959)

Somewhere beyond the sea
Somewhere waiting for me
My lover stands on golden sands
And watches the ships that go sailin’

While “Beyond the Sea” was first written in the 1940s, the song was popularized by Bobby Darin in 1959. This classic song beautifully captures the longing for a loved one and the hope for a meeting in the future. Plus, if your loved one was part of the Navy or loved sailing and the ocean, including this song at their celebration of life would be a wonderful personal touch.

They Can’t Take That Away from Me (Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong, 1956)

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No, no, they can’t take that away from me

Originally written in 1937, “They Can’t Take That Away from Me” is even more beautiful when sung by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong in this 1956 version of the song. When we lose a loved one, our relationship with them changes to one of memory. This song perfectly highlights how our loved ones live on in our memories and encourages us to cherish the small moments we shared with our loved ones.

Always (Ella Fitzgerald, 1958)

I’ll be loving you always
With a love that’s true alwaysWhen the things you’ve plannedNeed a helping handI will understand always

“Always” was originally written in 1926, but Ella Fitzgerald’s 1958 version of the song showcases both her voice and the lyrics beautifully. A song about commitment, loyalty, and neverending love, “Always” would make a wonderful addition to a funeral or celebration of life for a spouse or significant other.

Autumn Leaves (Edith Piaf, 1951)

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I’ll hear old winter’s song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

An elegant song full of passion, “Autumn Leaves (Les Feuilles Mortes)” was recorded by Edith Piaf in 1951. With lyrics in English and French, this song speaks of missing and longing for someone you are separated from. “Autumn Leaves” would make a lovely funeral song for a significant other.

Love Me Tender (Elvis Presley, 1956)

Love me tender
Love me true
All my dreams fulfilled
For my darlin’ I love you
And I always will

Elvis Presley is one of the most well-known singers of all time, and “Love Me Tender” is one of his most iconic songs. The passionate lyrics speak of unending love and gratitude for the impact a loved one made on your life. This song could work well either as part of a service or as background music for a slideshow of photos of your loved one.

Thinking of You (Fats Domino, 1953)

Yes, I want you to know
That I need you so
You’re on my mind
Everywhere I go

Recorded by Fats Domino in 1953, “Thinking of You” speaks about the memories that linger when we lose someone we love. When a loved one dies, anything can remind us of them. This song showcases the way we see our lost loved ones all around us, making it a great choice for a funeral or memorial service.

Unforgettable (Nat King Cole, 1952)

Unforgettable
That’s what you are
Unforgettable
Though near or far

A slow, thoughtful song, “Unforgettable” was recorded by Nat King Cole in 1952. The people we love make an impact on our lives that we cannot forget, and these beautiful lyrics highlight how our loved ones leave their mark on our lives. The perfect song to honor any loved one, “Unforgettable” would be an excellent choice for a memorial service or celebration of life.

Raining in My Heart (Buddy Holly, 1959)

I tell my blues they mustn’t show
But soon these tears are bound to flow
‘Cause it’s raining, raining in my heart

Released just after Buddy Holly’s death in 1959, “Raining in My Heart” was originally recorded in October 1958. While the music is more cheerful than some songs on this list, the lyrics speak about the deep sadness we feel when we lose a loved one. A sweet reminder that it’s okay to be sad, “Raining in My Heart” could make a unique addition to a funeral or celebration of life.

Because of You (Tony Bennett, 1951)

Because of you
My life is now worthwhile
And I can smile
Because of you

Originally written in 1940, “Because of You” became Tony Bennett’s first big hit in 1951. The peaceful lyrics highlight the joy, love, and happiness that our loved ones bring to our lives, making this song perfect for honoring someone who positively impacted your life. “Because of You” would work especially well in a celebration of life or a slideshow.

Just a Closer Walk With Thee (Patsy Cline, 1959)

When my feeble life is o’er
Time for me will be no more
Guide me gently, safely o’er
To Thy kingdom’s shore

While the origins of the original hymn are unclear, Patsy Cline’s version of “Just a Closer Walk With Thee” was released in 1959. This traditional song speaks about growing stronger in faith and closer to Jesus daily. For a loved one who was devoted to their faith, “Just a Closer Walk With Thee” could pay homage to their strong faith and dedication to God.

Peace in the Valley (Red Foley, 1951)

There’ll be no sadness
No sorrow
No trouble, I’ll see
There will be peace in the valley for me

Another traditional Christian song, “Peace in the Valley” was originally written in 1939 under the full title “There’ll Be Peace in the Valley for Me.” While the song has been sung by many singers, including Elvis Presley, this version was recorded by Red Foley in 1951. A song about hope, Heaven, and peace after death, “Peace in the Valley” would be an excellent song to include in a religious funeral or celebration of life.

Songs from other decades

Other musical options for a meaningful funeral

May 18
Love0

Can You Die of a Broken Heart?

By Grief/Loss

At some point in your life, you’ve likely heard the phrase that someone “died of a broken heart.” In most cases, people use this expression to refer to someone who fell into depression or deep sadness following the death of a loved one and eventually died without coming to a place of healing. But did you know that broken heart syndrome is a real thing and affects a small number of people every year? Let’s talk about it.

Mother and adult daughter sitting on couch, comforting each other

What is Broken Heart Syndrome?

Broken heart syndrome, also called stress cardiomyopathy or takotsubo cardiomyopathy, occurs when there’s a disruption of blood flow to the heart. The heart’s normal rhythm is interrupted, and the heart temporarily enlarges. This disruption is caused by extreme physical or emotional stress. Because the death of a loved one can trigger extreme stress, it’s not uncommon for cases of broken heart syndrome to coincide with a loss.

When you experience a stressful event, your body produces hormones and proteins, like adrenaline, to help you cope. However, in some rare cases, a section of heart muscle may become overwhelmed or stunned by the introduction of so much adrenaline. To compensate, the arteries narrow, causing a temporary decrease in blood flow to the heart. As a result, you may experience chest pain and shortness of breath.

Man sitting on couch at home, hand on chest as he experiences chest pain that could be broken heart syndrome

What are the Symptoms?

Perhaps the two most common symptoms are chest pain and shortness of breath. Because of that, broken heart syndrome is sometimes confused with a heart attack. However, a heart attack occurs because of clogged arteries while broken heart syndrome happens when the heart can’t contract properly. In other words, a person with no history of heart ailments can still experience broken heart syndrome.

A few more symptoms to watch for are sweating, dizziness, low blood pressure, nausea, fainting, irregular heartbeat, or heart palpitations. After the stressful event begins, a person may experience these symptoms almost immediately or it may be several hours.

Woman sitting in a hospital bed, doctor listening to her heartbeat with a stethoscope

What are the Most Common Causes?

The trigger for this ailment is extreme emotional or physical stress, but what causes that stress differs from person to person. While researchers are still actively learning more, here are a few examples of events that have caused broken heart syndrome in others:

  • Job loss
  • Major surgery
  • Death of a loved one
  • Divorce or other close relationship loss
  • A sudden illness, like an asthma attack or an allergic reaction
  • Some medications, such as for anxiety (rare)
  • Some illegal substances, like methamphetamine or cocaine
  • Extreme anger or intense fear

Who Is Most Likely to Experience It?

While anyone can experience broken heart syndrome, it’s most common in women ages 50+. A recent study found that about 2% of suspected heart attacks were actually broken heart syndrome. However, that percentage is likely a bit higher.

Women make up about 88% of reported cases, and most are post-menopausal. It’s thought that estrogen protects the heart against the harmful effects of hormones, and when the estrogen level declines after menopause, women are more susceptible to sudden stress. Additionally, a 2020 study found that post-menopausal women dealing with anxiety disorders had a higher risk than women without anxiety.

Younger woman and older woman sitting on a bench outside with the younger woman comforting as the older woman holds her hand to her chest

Can You Die from Broken Heart Syndrome?

Death from broken heart syndrome is very rare, occurring in only 1% of cases. Most people make a full recovery within a month and have no long-term heart damage. Thankfully, the condition is completely reversible for 99% of cases.

What Do I Do If I See a Friend or Family Member Exhibiting Symptoms?

If you are with a friend or family member following the loss of a loved one, pay attention if they complain of chest pain, shortness of breath, or dizziness. If the person already has a heart condition, then it may be a heart attack. However, if there’s no history of heart disease, it could very well be broken heart syndrome. Only the doctor can give you a proper diagnosis and treatment plan.

Broken heart syndrome - older man visiting with his doctor, who is listening to his patient's heart with a stethoscope

Quick FAQ

Q: Can everyday stress cause broken heart syndrome?

A: According to what doctors currently know, the syndrome only occurs suddenly and resolves quickly. If you have chronic chest pains or shortness of breath, talk to your doctor to see what else may be happening with your health.

Q: Are there different types of broken heart syndrome?

A: Yes, there are 4 different types – apical, mid-ventricular, basal, and focal. It all depends on which section of the heart gets stunned, though apical is most common. Apical refers to the lower half of the heart.

Q: Can you prevent broken heart syndrome?

A: To lower your potential risk, you can learn stress management and problem-solving techniques that will help you decrease your overall physical and emotional stress. You could journal, meditate, exercise, take a warm bath, get plenty of sleep, or do something else to relax. These practices are good during any season of life, not just stressful ones.

Hopefully you will never encounter broken heart syndrome, but if you do, you now know what it is and the best way to help a friend or family member through it. Be safe out there!

May 15
Love0
Woman with brown hair wearing a white sweater sitting down, reading messages on phone

How to Offer Condolences Via Text or DM

By Grief/Loss, Technology and Grief

In today’s world, we’re more connected than ever, and it’s more common to text message or direct message a friend than to call them. This is especially true now that we’re connected online to friends who live all across the country and the world. With this change in social habits, it’s much more acceptable to offer condolences through text or online message. But what do you say and what etiquette rules should you follow?

Basic Etiquette for Offering Condolences

Woman with brown hair wearing a white sweater sitting down, reading messages on phone

Say something

It’s human nature to avoid situations that feel difficult or uncomfortable. But just because something is uncomfortable does not mean it shouldn’t be done. If you want someone to feel cared for after a loved one’s death, at least send them a quick message acknowledging their loss and how they are in your thoughts.

Shorter is better

Have you ever gotten a really long text and thought, “I’ll read this later?” With texts and direct messages, there’s no need to write a lot. People don’t expect your message to be long, and honestly, they may skip it if it’s too long. After all, there are a lot of details and emotions vying for their attention. Instead, keep it short but kind and compassionate.

Personalize your message

No matter what you decide to write, make your words as personal as possible. If you knew the person who has died, offer kind words about them or share a short memory. On the other hand, if you didn’t know them personally, mention that you know how much they meant to the family. Even a small detail can add just the right personal touch.

Man leaning against wall outside as he reads messages on his cell phone

Don’t compare griefs

You may be tempted to offer comfort by saying you understand what they are going through but don’t do it. You may be able to relate, but everyone grieves differently and uniquely. No two grief journeys are the same and shouldn’t be treated as such. If appropriate, share a valuable lesson you’ve learned in your own grief journey while still acknowledging, “I know your loss is so different from mine.”

Keep it classy

Some people are complicated and not all relationships are healthy. And while you may secretly be thinking, “Ding, dong, the witch is dead,” don’t write that in your condolence text. Even if the relationship was flawed and damaged, your grieving friend is likely experiencing some conflicting emotions. Relief that the stressful relationship is over, but also sadness that it now never has a chance to get better. Be sensitive in the early days and take your cues from the grieving person.

Follow-up with a handwritten card or a sympathy gift (optional)

In some situations, offering condolences via text or direct message is the best thing to do. However, in some cases, it’s just the beginning of the condolence process. If you feel led, don’t be afraid to follow-up your text with a handwritten card, a sympathy gift, an offer of help, or attendance at the funeral service. All of these are good ways to offer your support to a grieving friend or family member.

Focus on a man's hands as he holds his smartphone and reads his text messages

When Not to Text

While texting is often just fine, there are some instances when a text message isn’t the best option. You will need to use discretion and wisdom. If you regularly communicate with the person through text, then send them a text. If you use direct message on Facebook, Instagram, or some other social media platform, send the message there instead. And if you typically talk on the phone, give them a call and leave a voicemail.

And if the grieving person has posted a memorial or announcement on their social media channels (find more etiquette tips here), you can also post your condolence message directly to that post. Just make sure it doesn’t share personal details that are better left in a private message.

Now that we’ve reviewed some basic etiquette for writing condolence texts and online messages, let’s review some samples that will help you craft the perfect condolence.

Comforting Texts for Any Loss

  • I heard about [name] and want you to know I’m thinking of you, praying for you, and grieving with you.
  • I’m so sorry to hear about [name]. I just wanted to share my favorite photo of [name] with you. [She/He] had a great smile and will be so missed!
  • God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). Thinking of you, dear friend!
  • Although we are miles apart, my heart and spirit are with you right now. I’m so sorry for your loss.
  • I was deeply saddened to hear of your [mom’s, dad’s, grandfather’s] passing. [She/He] was such a great inspiration to me. Please let me know how I can help you during this difficult time.
  • Please accept my heartfelt condolences to you and your family on your [uncle’s, cousin’s, brother’s] death. I’m sure that [his/her] memory will forever live on in your hearts.
  • My deepest sympathies go out to you, my friend. May you find comfort and peace during this difficult time. Know that I’m here for you.
  • I was so sad to hear about your loss. I’m thinking of you and wishing you strength through this difficult time.
  • I’ll always remember [name’s] big heart and contagious smile. I’m praying for you and your family.

Young woman standing outside, reading smartphone messages with a gentle smile on her face

  • My heart aches for you and your loved ones right now. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, but you are in my heart and thoughts.
  • I don’t really know what to say, except that I’m sending all my love your way. I’m so sorry for your loss.
  • My heart hurts for what you’re going through. I’m praying for you and your family.
  • I just heard about your beautiful [mother, sister, grandmother]. I’m so sorry this has happened, and I am wishing your family peace and strength during this time.
  • I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I am humbled and honored to have met [name]. [She/He] was such a beautiful soul and will be deeply missed by many.
  • I’ll never forget [name’s] kindness, compassion, and contagious laughter [change to other descriptors, as needed]. May you find comfort in the knowledge that [she/he] brought light and goodness everything [he/she] went. I’m so sorry for your loss.
  • I’m not sure what the right thing to say is, but I’m truly sorry for your loss. I hope you know how much you mean to me and my family. We’re here for you.
  • Don’t worry about responding…I just wanted you to know how sorry I am to hear about [name]. I’m here for you anytime you need me.

Older man standing in his kitchen at home, reading messages on his phone

Comforting Texts with an Offer of Support

  • No words can describe how sorry I am for your loss. Can I do anything for you?
  • I wish I could take away your pain. Please know, I’m here for you and want to be a support in whatever way you need. Can I run errands for you or pick up dinner?
  • I heard about your [brother, sister, friend]. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’d love to check in with you and see how you’re doing in a few days. Can I call on [day]?
  • Hi, friend. You may need some space right now, but I wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about the loss of your [dad, brother, friend]. I’m thinking of you, and when you’re ready, I’m here to listen and support you.
  • I am heartbroken to hear about [name’s] passing. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling right now, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Can I drop off dinner or run any errands for you?
  • No words can take away the grief that you feel. Even so, I want to say that I love you, and I’m here for you. Can I stop by sometime to give you a hug or drop off a meal?
  • I heard about [name’s] passing, and I’m so sorry I can’t be with you in person. My thoughts are never far from you during this time. Please let me know if you’d like to chat on the phone or even hop on a video call. I’m here for you.
  • I just heard about [name]. I know the two of you were close, and I’m so sorry that this happened. Is there anything I can do for you? I’m here to talk, meet up, run errands – whatever you need.
  • I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but please know, you’re not alone. Just say the word, and I’ll be at your house right away.

Mature woman sitting on her couch at home as she reads messages on her smartphone

No Response? That’s Okay

Hopefully these examples will give you inspiration for creating a personalized text message or direct message that comes straight from your heart. If you don’t receive a response to your text, don’t let that hurt your feelings. Your grieving friend has a lot going on and responding to texts is likely low on the list of priorities. Instead, continue to offer support and kindness. If you can, attend the funeral or send a follow-up text/message in a few days. You could say, “I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to check in. How are you? Can I help you in any way?”

During times of grief and loss, we all need to know that our friends and family love and support us. Offering a short condolence may feel hard in the moment, but it will go a long way to making the grieving person feel loved and seen.

May 11
Love0

10 Songs from the 1940s for a Celebration of Life

By Meaningful Funerals, Music

Music plays a vital role in a funeral service or celebration of life. Songs played at a funeral can set the tone for the service, open us up to feelings we’ve been avoiding, and express emotions we can’t put into words. For this reason, renowned grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt says that music is one of the most important elements of a funeral.

When choosing music to play at the service, it’s important to pick songs that will be meaningful to your family and friends. Of course, if you know your loved one’s favorite songs, you can incorporate those into the funeral. But if your loved one grew up in the 1940s – or just loved the beautiful sounds of 1940s music – here are ten songs you could use to honor their memory.

I’ll Be Seeing You (Billie Holiday, 1944)

I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

A classic song about missing someone you love, this version of “I’ll Be Seeing You” was recorded by Billie Holiday in 1944. Both the lyrics of this 1940s song and Billie’s beautiful voice capture the feeling of seeing your lost loved one all around you. Whether you use this song in your loved one’s celebration of life or not, listening to it can provide comfort by reminding you that your loved one lives on in your memory.

Fun fact: “I’ll Be Seeing You” was played for the Opportunity rover on Mars after it finished its final mission!

We’ll Meet Again (Vera Lynn, 1939)

We’ll meet again
Don’t know where
Don’t know when
But I know we’ll meet again some sunny day

While “We’ll Meet Again” was originally released in 1939, it became enormously popular in the 1940s, especially during World War II. At a time when many families lost their fathers, brothers, husbands, or sons to the war, they found comfort and hope in this beautiful song. As you and your family mourn the loss of your loved one, playing this song during the funeral or celebration of life can bring your family and friends hope for the future.

Only Forever (Bing Crosby, 1940)

Do you think I’ll remember
How you looked when you smile?
Only forever
That’s puttin’ it mild

Recorded by Bing Crosby in 1940, “Only Forever” spent 20 weeks on the Billboard charts and 9 weeks in the #1 spot. This popular song speaks of love, loyalty, and remembering a loved one forever, which makes it a wonderful choice for honoring your significant other, a parent, or a close friend. This song would also make a great background song for a slideshow of photos honoring your loved one.

Moonlight Serenade (Glenn Miller, 1939)

Released in 1939, “Moonlight Serenade” was one of the most popular songs of the 1940s. While Glenn Miller’s original tune has no words, the music is smooth, peaceful, and full of emotion. This classic swing tune evokes pleasant memories of days gone by and hope for the future, making it perfect for a funeral or memorial service.

A Sentimental Journey (Doris Day, 1944)

Gonna set my heart at eas
Gonna make a sentimental journey
To renew old memories

Performed by Les Brown and His Band of Renown, “A Sentimental Journey” was sung by Doris Day and released in 1944. Whether you’re looking for a song to play at a celebration of life or just to listen to while thinking of your loved one, this lovely tune encourages reminiscing and cherishing the memories of days gone by. It would also be a wonderful song to use for a slideshow at a memorial service.

When the Saints Go Marching In (Louis Armstrong, 1938)

Now when the saints go marching in
Yes, I want to be in that number
When the saints go marching in

While the exact origins of “When the Saints Go Marching In” are unclear, the gospel song likely developed from a combination of similar songs. There are many versions of the song, but in 1938, Louis Armstrong transformed the song into the jazzy version modern listeners are most familiar with. While this song is more upbeat, it can be a lovely, personal addition to a funeral or memorial service for someone who was passionate about their faith.

Over the Rainbow (Judy Garland, 1939)

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

“Over the Rainbow” is an instantly recognizable tune for any fan of The Wizard of Oz. Judy Garland captured audiences’ imaginations as Dorothy Gale in 1939, and her signature song took on a life of its own – in the 1940s and beyond. Filled with dreams and hope for the future, “Over the Rainbow” would be a lovely song to play at a celebration of life, especially for someone who loved The Wizard of Oz.

Till the End of Time (Perry Como, 1945)

Till the end of time
Long as stars are in the blue
Long as there’s a spring, a bird to sing
I’ll go on loving you

While several artists recorded their own versions of “Till the End of Time,” Perry Como’s version of the song was the most popular by far, staying at #1 on the Billboard charts for ten consecutive weeks. With lyrics about everlasting and unconditional love, this song would make a touching addition to a funeral or celebration of life for a lost spouse or significant other.

Ave Maria (Frank Sinatra, 1944)

“Ave Maria” was originally composed by Franz Schubert as “Ellens dritter Gesang” (“Ellen’s Third Song”) in 1825. Soon after it was released, the song became popular in the Catholic church and gained religious significance. Frank Sinatra’s version of the song was recorded in 1944, and his beautiful voice pairs wonderfully with the song. If your loved one was religious, you could incorporate this lovely song in the funeral or memorial service.

Lavender Coffin (Lionel Hampton, 1949)

Saint Peter
I’m a-comin’
Saint Peter
Yes, I’m a-comin’ today

One of the more upbeat songs on this list, “Lavender Coffin” was recorded by Lionel Hampton and His Orchestra in 1949. This swing song provides a different perspective on death and a hopeful outlook on life, Heaven, and the future. While this song is more cheerful in tone than some of the other songs, it could be a passionate addition to a celebration of life or a homegoing.

Songs from other decades

Other musical options for a meaningful funeral

May 10
Love0

6 Ways to Say Thank You to a Funeral Home

By Explore Options, Grief/Loss, Living Well

During a time of loss, it’s common to feel lost, overwhelmed, and a little anxious. When the funeral home steps into your grief and provides top-quality care and compassionate service, it can feel like a soothing balm to an aching heart. You don’t have to do this alone – there are people to help. When you’ve received excellent service from a funeral home, you might want to thank them personally, but what can you do? Let’s talk about 6 simple ways you can express your gratitude to the funeral directors and staff members who have made a difficult time a little bit easier.

Write a thank you card

View from above of woman sitting at table writing a thank you note with coffee and cell phone nearby

One of the simplest and most touching ways you can say thank you is through a handwritten note. By taking time to thoughtfully select a card and add your own sentiments to it, you can really make the funeral home staff feel good about the work they have done. Plus, your words affirm that their role was important to your grief journey and that they really did help you during a time of loss. That’s what matters most – knowing they took care of you well!

Leave a Google review

View of cell phone open to review site with person about to submit 5-star review

If you prefer typing to handwriting, then leaving a Google review would be an excellent way to thank a funeral home. Not only will they have a chance to read your words of gratitude, others in the community will also see what you have rated the funeral home. In a time when reviews help us choose many services, leaving a positive review can really help the funeral home gain credibility in the community and become a resource for more area families during times of grief and loss. If you aren’t sure how to leave a Google review, ask the funeral home or check out this how-to guide.

Give the gift of food

Dad and daughter making homemade muffins in kitchen

Who doesn’t love good food? Whether it’s a box of donuts or muffins, an edible arrangement or Starbucks coffee traveler, homemade cookies or zucchini bread, or even a fully catered meal from the local breakfast joint, there are so many ways to say thank you with food. Simply choose an option that’s easy and meaningful to you and include a note. Funeral home staff work long hours and take few breaks, so you can bet that anything you drop off will be eaten and fully enjoyed!

Sign up for a video testimonial

Foreground with camera on tripod with blurred background of woman leaving a review

Many funeral homes are expanding their technological offerings. For some funeral homes, that means spreading the word about their services through video. If you would like to help the funeral home, consider signing up to give a personal testimonial. Think of it like a review but recorded! When other families hear your story, they will be even more comfortable choosing the funeral home for their own funeral care needs, when the time comes.

Offer a hug or handshake

Two men shaking hands warmly

For those of you who are huggers, feel free to give one to your funeral director and other staff members. They know how hard it is to lose a loved one and have personally experienced the roller coaster of emotions you’ve been through. Knowing that they made a difference in your life is all the thanks they need. And a hug speaks volumes! Of course, if you aren’t a hugger, no problem. Shake a hand or pat a shoulder instead. Pairing your words of gratitude with a small physical expression makes an impact!

Make a handmade gift

One person giving a wrapped gift to another person

Whether you love to knit, crochet, paint, woodwork, or do something else entirely, you can use your creativity to thank the funeral home staff. Knit scarves. Crochet beanies. Paint a mini canvas. Whittle figurines or an entire chess set. You can give a handmade gift to each individual person, or you can create something that will grace the funeral home as a whole, like a handmade pillow for a chair or couch. No matter what you love making, you can use your talent to say thank you.

Feel free to take these suggestions and run with them (one or even all of them). However, remember that you aren’t limited to these ideas. They are a starting place for your own creativity and imagination. And really, anything you do will touch the hearts of the funeral home staff – you can count on it!

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