Page 22 – Funeral Basics

Apr 06

focus on two women attending a grief support group, one older and one younger

7 Benefits of Joining a Grief Support Group

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

After the death of someone you love, it’s hard to come to grips with your new reality. Figuring out how to move forward, how to do life, without their presence can be both physically exhausting and emotionally overwhelming. If you are struggling with the emotions of grief, then it might be time to consider joining a grief support group.

The idea of joining a grief support group might feel uncomfortable, especially if 1) you’re an introverted person, 2) you’ve never done it before, or 3) you don’t like admitting that you need help. But really, grief support groups come in all shapes and sizes. You can choose a group that focuses on a wide range of grief types or select a group that has a narrower focus (spouse loss, child loss, suicide loss, etc.). This way, you will journey with other people going through a similar type of loss. Also, you can choose a group similar in age to yourself or one that spans generations.

No matter which type of group you choose, there are many benefits to attending a grief support group. Let’s discuss seven of those benefits together.

7 Benefits of Joining a Grief Support Group

By joining a grief support group, you can:

1. Build connections and find a sense of community

Perhaps the biggest benefit to joining a support group is finding a community you can be vulnerable with. Depending on your life and circumstances, it might be hard to open up with friends or family members. With a grief support group, you are all there for the same reason – to process your grief and move toward healing and reconciliation. There’s freedom in opening up to people who don’t inform your everyday life and who are solely interested in helping you heal. And if friendships arise from the group, all the better. You have advocates for your continued grief journey.

2. Realize you’re not alone

By nature, grief can be isolating. We all process loss in different ways, and the voice in your mind tries to convince you that you’re absolutely alone. That you’re the only person dealing with these complicated feelings. When you join a grief support group, it quickly becomes clear that you aren’t alone. Your feelings are legitimate, valid, and normal. But most of all – there are other people who understand what you’ve experienced and are figuring out how to deal with it, too.

3. Positively impact your mental health

In many ways, it’s easier to keep our feelings to ourselves, but that’s often not the best choice for good mental health. Getting things off your chest has a cathartic effect. Being open, sharing what’s going on inside, dealing with your emotions – these are all proven ways to deal with stress and improve mental health. In a recent study, it was determined that grief support groups can even help reduce depressive symptoms after loss.

4. Find hope and foster personal resilience

When you’re in the depths of strong emotions, like sadness or anger, it’s hard to see your way through. It may feel like this is just your new norm, and there’s nothing you can do about it. In a grief support group, you will find people who are at various stages of the grief journey. Interacting with people who are further along the grief journey can instill a sense of hope and inspire your own resilience. There is a better future ahead as you actively work through your feelings of grief.

5. See the reality of the grieving process

If this is the first big loss you’ve suffered, then your own feelings may take you by surprise. Is it normal to feel this way? Should I feel this sad or this angry or this lost? In a grief support group, you see people at various stages of grief. They will showcase a wide range of emotions and help you normalize your own feelings. Grief is up and down, slow and messy, strong today and quiet tomorrow. Some people will share their story freely while others will sit back and only listen. Every person processes differently. No matter where you’re at on the spectrum, it’s okay and it’s normal.

6. Discover a safe space to express yourself

Within a grief support group, there’s a commitment to listen, encourage, and help each other. This sense of commitment and camaraderie creates a unique opportunity to be real. Surrounded by a group of hurting people, you don’t have to hide your own hurt. Instead, you can open up. Create common bonds with the people around you. Express what’s going on in your own heart and mind freely. This is a safe space – a place where you won’t be judged, a place where you can find validation and encouragement.

7. Learn from the wisdom of others

No matter how many times you’ve experienced loss, every death hits different. Because of that, you may feel even more lost as to how to process your feelings. In a grief support group, you have access to a wealth of knowledge and experience. You will hear about coping skills that are new to you. You may learn more about how the mind and the body react to grief. With the valuable insights and tools you learn, you can create daily practices that will help you manage your own grief and move toward healing.

Should I Attend Online or In Person?

Ultimately, the decision between online and in person depends on either your preference or what’s available in your area.

With an online group, you can join from the comfort of your home and choose what level of involvement you want. Plus, an online group would be an excellent option for those who are homebound or have responsibilities that prevent them from attending in person.

With an in-person group, you can still choose your level of involvement, but you also have the option to go deeper. For instance, a few people may want to grab coffee or dinner after a group session. Plus, if you feel a connection to someone’s story, you have the option to catch them after class for a one-on-one conversation. That’s not easily possible with online groups.

Simply weigh the pros and cons. Evaluate your personal circumstances. Then, choose what works best for you.

What if a Grief Support Group Isn’t Right for Me?

While grief support groups help thousands of people every year, it’s not the best fit for everyone, and that’s okay. If you are feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, out of place, or unwanted, try going to one-on-one grief counseling first. After you have a better grip on your own grief, you can then transition to a grief support group your counselor recommends.

Now that you understand the many benefits of grief support groups, it’s time to decide whether or not to visit groups in your area. Contact your local funeral home, a church, a local grief counselor’s office, or go online to familiarize yourself with the grief resources available locally. Then, choose one that best fits your age, location, or type of loss and find the supportive encouragement you need for the grief journey ahead.

Apr 04

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6 Items You Shouldn’t Include in Your Will

By Courtney Cook Estate Planning

No matter what age you are, creating a will is a great way to prepare for the future. A legal will is a document that lays out your wishes for your estate. Without a will, your family may not know your wishes after your death, and your estate will be distributed according to your state’s probate laws, which may or may not fit with your wishes.

Depending on the size of your estate and your wishes, your will may be simple or very complex. But how do you know what you should and shouldn’t include in your will? Speaking with your attorney is a great way to learn about your state’s regulations, but here are 7 items you should avoid putting in your will.

Time-sensitive wishes

After someone dies, it can take weeks or even months before the will is read. Because it can take a while before the contents of your will are known, you shouldn’t include time-sensitive details in your will, especially about your end-of-life care. For example, medical decisions, like Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) orders or organ donations, should be on file with your physician or included in a healthcare power of attorney, not your will.

You should also avoid including your wishes for funeral arrangements in your will. Most funerals typically happen within a week of the death. By the time your will is read, your funeral will likely have already occurred. Instead of discussing your funeral wishes in your will, you can create an advance funeral plan with your local funeral service provider. Let your family know that you have a plan in place with that funeral home. Your funeral service provider will ensure that everything is taken care of just how you want.

Assets with named beneficiaries

When you set up life insurance, a retirement account, a living trust, and other accounts, you may name a beneficiary. The beneficiaries named on these accounts supersede your legal will. If you originally named your son as the beneficiary of your life insurance, you won’t be able to give it to your daughter through your will. If your wishes about who should receive the proceeds from a specific account have changed, you should update your beneficiaries directly in the account, not in your will.

Joint property and accounts

Jointly-owned bank accounts and properties have specific laws and regulations about what happens when one of the owners dies. Some joint accounts or jointly-owned properties allow you to pass the property to the heir of your choice in your will. But if your joint account or property is labeled “with rights of survivorship,” your share in the property will go to the other owner or owners at your death. Property or accounts with rights of survivorship should not be included in your will. If you’re unsure what type your jointly-owned account or property is, please check with your attorney or bank.

Specific accounts

When writing your will, it’s best to avoid naming wishes for specific accounts, like your checking or savings account. This is because your situation may change over time. You may close out accounts or open new ones, or the amount in your accounts may change drastically. If you name a specific account in your will, you’ll need to update your will every time your account changes. Instead, you can bestow a specific amount of money or a percentage of your estate on your chosen beneficiary.

Illegal or unethical conditions

In most cases, you can provide specific conditions that must be fulfilled before your beneficiaries receive their inheritance. For example, you can provide a specific inheritance to your granddaughter for when she graduates college. However, there are limits to what you can ask of your beneficiaries. For example, you can’t include instructions requiring someone to marry a specific person, get divorced, or change their religion. You also can’t make someone do something illegal to receive their inheritance, like using property to grow illegal substances or committing a crime.

Reasons for bequest

While it’s not illegal to include the reasons for bequests in your will, providing reasons for each gift can add unnecessary length to your will. If you want your beneficiaries to know why you’re giving them a specific piece of property, that’s great! Instead of adding that to your will, you can include separate letters with details. A separate letter can also give you the space to share the history behind a specific item, like a quilt your great-grandmother made or your great-uncle’s pocket watch.

Before creating your will, please consult a licensed attorney to ensure you follow your state’s regulations. As you document your wishes in your will, try to keep it as clear and concise as possible. If your wishes are clear and uncluttered, it will be easier for your executor to carry them out. And as life changes, don’t forget to regularly update your will.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary. Only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

Mar 30

Love0

Cemetery Etiquette: 6 Tips for Visiting a Cemetery

By Courtney Cook Cemeteries, Grief/Loss, Memorial

Visiting your loved one’s grave can be an important part of your grief journey – it can help you process your loss and reflect on memories of your loved one. But visiting a cemetery can be intimidating, especially if you’re unfamiliar with cemetery etiquette. Whether you’re going to the cemetery by yourself or with others, it’s important to be considerate of those around you. By following the 6 tips below, you can show respect to other mourners, the groundskeepers, and those buried in the cemetery.

Drive with care

person driving a car

When driving through a cemetery, drive slower and more cautiously than you typically would. To avoid accidentally driving over a grave or monument, stay on the roadways and off the grass, even when parking, if there’s enough room for another car to pass. Also, follow the cemetery’s posted speed limit – if there are no signs, driving 10 mph or slower is recommended.

Remember that people walking in the cemetery may be grieving and not paying attention to their surroundings. Be cautious and watch for people crossing your path. If you’re listening to music in your car, keep the volume low while driving through the cemetery.

Respect graves and monuments

headstone for a mother with pink flowers on it

Out of respect for both the deceased in the cemetery and their loved ones, avoid touching monuments or stepping on graves. Depending on how old the cemetery you’re visiting is, some of the monuments may be decades or even centuries old and could be fragile and crumbling. While walking through some cemeteries, it can be difficult to tell where it’s okay to step. Try to follow the path made by the headstones, and don’t step over or on headstones or monuments.

Additionally, you should never remove anything left by another person at a grave. Flowers, coins, and decorations all have special meaning to the person who placed the items, and removing these personal items can cause more grief for a loved one. Coins may seem out of place, but they often have specific meanings, especially when placed on a veteran’s grave, so leave them where they are.

Be considerate of other mourners

Person standing in front of a grave

People visiting a cemetery are likely visiting a deceased loved one and may be overwhelmed with emotion, praying, or spending time in contemplation. To respect their needs, keep your speaking volume low and avoid talking on the phone or playing loud music. Keep your phone on vibrate or silent to keep distractions at a minimum.

Many people who are visiting a loved one’s grave don’t wish to speak with others. If you are nearby or passing them, it’s okay to smile or nod at them, but don’t try to start a conversation unless they seem like they want or need someone to talk to. Likewise, if a funeral or graveside service is going on while you visit, steer clear and leave them plenty of room. It’s also inappropriate to take photos of someone else’s funeral or of someone who is visiting a grave.

Keep an eye on children and pets

Parent holding a child's hand in a cemetery

Bringing your child to a loved one’s grave can benefit them by helping them come to terms with the death and learning about their own emotions and grief. But before you bring your child to a cemetery, speak to them about how to behave. They’ll need to be relatively quiet and respectful of others, and they shouldn’t run around the cemetery. Ensure your child knows the rules and can follow them before bringing them with you.

Some cemeteries allow owners to bring their pets, while others only allow service dogs. If your cemetery does allow pets, keep them on a leash at all times. You should also be respectful of other mourners. Not everyone likes animals, and an excitable dog may not be a welcome visitor for some people. Even more importantly, make sure you clean up after your pet. You don’t want to leave an unwelcome surprise for someone visiting their loved one!

Clean up after yourself

Person picking up an empty water bottle

No one wants to visit their loved one in the cemetery and find trash on the grave. Out of respect for other visitors and the groundskeepers, don’t litter and pick up any trash you see. If your cemetery doesn’t have a trash can, you can take the trash back with you – and next time you visit, bring a bag to put trash in.

It’s also a good idea to avoid leaving highly breakable items. Glass or ceramic vases and jars are beautiful, but bad weather or nighttime critters may knock over the items. Leaving food at a grave can also attract ants, bugs, and critters, so many cemeteries recommend that you not leave food at a grave.

Learn the cemetery’s specific rules

graves with bright red and pink flowers

As mentioned above, different cemeteries have their own rules, so learn your cemetery’s regulations before you go. One way to determine the cemetery’s rules is to check their website or call the office. If you can’t find any information online, many cemeteries also have a sign near the entrance with their rules. Most cemeteries are also only open at certain times, so please respect your cemetery’s hours.

Visiting a cemetery can be intimidating at first, but spending time at your loved one’s grave can help you in your grief journey. During your visit, remember that everyone grieves differently. You may find it helpful to speak out loud to your loved one, pray, cry, or simply stay silent and ponder. As long as you are respectful of both the deceased around you and other mourners, do what will help you in your grief journey.

Mar 24

Love0

Shaking hands with a friendly professional

11 Qualities to Look for in a Funeral Director

By Daniel Zepeda Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

Losing a loved one can bring pain, grief, uncertainty, and confusion. A loss can also leave you with the responsibility of planning a funeral, requiring you to answer questions that you may have never considered. This combination can make you and your family feel lost, overwhelmed, and in need of a helping hand. A caring funeral director can be that helping hand.

Most funeral homes have funeral directors who are a source of assurance for families. Funeral directors are meant to be a comforting guide during the funeral planning process. However, if you’ve never had to plan a funeral before, how do you know which funeral director is best for your family?

One of the easiest ways to determine whether a funeral director is right for you and your family is by recognizing certain qualities they possess. From how they first greet you to how they check on you after the funeral, you deserve a caring professional who makes things easier during your time of pain.

Here’s a list of 11 qualities you look for in a funeral director who will best care for you and your family.

1. Caring

When you need the services of a funeral home, you’re likely experiencing one of the saddest seasons of your life. You need to know that the funeral professional serving you and your family deeply cares about your well-being. A caring funeral director will make you feel welcome, express their sorrow for your loss, and will let you know that everything will be taken care of. Listen to your instincts during your first interaction with a funeral director, as a genuine caring heart is easy to identify.

2. Supportive

There are so many unique and special ways to celebrate the life of your loved one. So, you’ll want to work with someone who is supportive of your wishes. The right funeral director will encourage your choices and do everything possible to make your wishes a reality all while respecting your budget. Most funeral directors like to say that no request is too great and no detail is too small. That is the perfect mindset for someone who is eager to serve you.

3. Honest

An honest person can make the funeral planning process simple and easy. There are so many decisions that go into planning a funeral. You need an honest funeral director who will be upfront with you about your options, costs, logistics, and other important details. Honesty and transparency will make you feel at ease and confident throughout the funeral planning process.

4. Trustworthy

Similar to honesty, the right funeral director will never give you a reason to doubt their motives or promises. You can trust they will keep their word to you, no matter what. Chances are that problems will arise during the funeral planning process. However, a good funeral director will keep you informed and updated on any changes or issues.

5. Knowledgeable

If you’ve never had to plan a funeral, you may not know all the options available to you. That’s why it’s important to have a knowledgeable funeral director by your side who can help you plan a funeral that will honor the life of your loved one. They can suggest what a funeral should include and what details will best serve you and your family. Plus, the right funeral director will have experience in creating memorable funerals, and their knowledge will serve you well.

6. Strong Communicator

A funeral director who puts your needs first will always keep an open line of communication – especially if there are changes to the funeral plans. They will communicate new information quickly and accurately. They should also offer multiple ways for you to contact them (office phone, cell phone, email address, etc.) Most funeral directors want to make it easy for you to contact them, so find a funeral director that makes communication a priority.

7. Good Listener

You deserve to be valued and heard in your time of grief. A funeral director who listens just as well as they communicate will do just that. You will have many conversations with the funeral director, so it’s important that your words don’t fall on deaf ears. The right funeral director will listen to you and value any and all information you can give them.

8. Creative

A creative funeral director will give you unique ideas in helping you create a personalized tribute for your loved one. They can offer suggestions on how to properly honor the life of your loved one, no matter how traditional or contemporary of a funeral you want. This process usually starts with you telling the funeral director what made your loved one special and what their interests were. From there, a creative funeral professional can help you create a memorable goodbye that will showcase the special life of your loved one.

9. Patient

With grief consuming most of your thoughts during the funeral planning process, feeling overwhelmed is a perfectly normal reaction after losing a loved one. In those moments, you need someone who will calmly and patiently work with you as a friend and guide. You don’t need someone rushing you into decisions that you’re not comfortable with. Working with a patient funeral director will make you feel like you’re their sole priority and not just another funeral to schedule.

10. Empathetic

Empathy is one of the most important qualities to find! This characteristic can help build a bridge of lasting trust and confidence between you, your family, and the funeral director. You might wonder how funeral directors remain empathetic after helping so many grieving families. But that’s what makes the heart of a funeral director so special. The right person will show you that they truly understand the pain you’re feeling. This kindness can lead you to be more willing to place your faith in them and their ability to properly honor your loved one.

11. Organized

As we’ve discussed, planning a funeral takes time and requires a lot of decisions. You need a funeral director that won’t let any detail slip through the cracks. No matter how elaborate or simple your funeral is, the right professional will make sure everything is accounted for and that nothing goes overlooked. Additionally, an organized person will make sure that every member of your family is on the same page and that – to the best of their ability – everyone is happy with the funeral.

Funeral director's hand pick up Stack overload document report paper with colorful paperclip, business and paperless concept.

A funeral director who exhibits these qualities can give you and your family confidence, calmness, and assuredness during the funeral planning process and beyond. There are other qualities that make a great funeral director, but make sure they exhibit these qualities.

After all, a funeral director’s greatest calling is to be there for you when you need them most. They’ll be eager to prove that they are worthy of caring for you.

Mar 23

Love0

Sympathy Gifts You Can Mail

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Helping a Friend in Grief

If someone you know has recently suffered the loss of a loved one, it’s natural to want to offer comfort and support. In fact, it’s a good thing. It shows that you’re thinking of them and understand they are going through something hard right now. But what if you’re too far away to offer in-person support? You can still let them know you care by sending sympathy gifts through the mail!

Today, let’s talk about some gift options you can easily send through the mail to offer support and love to a grieving friend or family member. But remember – this list isn’t comprehensive! Feel free to come up with your own creative ideas.

Food Gift Basket

You may not live close enough to drop off a casserole at your friend’s home, but you can order a food basket for them. There are so many companies out there that specialize in food baskets. Whether you want to send fruit, sweets, savories, or a mix, you are sure to find a basket that fits your own expectations and budget while also matching your friend’s favorite eats.

Gift Card

Whether you want to help with meals, gas, or other household needs, you can send a gift card through the mail. Choose their favorite eatery, grocery store, or gas station. Or, if you want to give them broader options, send an Amazon or Visa/Mastercard gift card. In a similar vein, you can give them gift cards to Door Dash, GrubHub, or some other food delivery service, so they can order a meal without having to leave the house.

Weighted Blanket

After a loss, sleep can be elusive. Stress, racing thoughts, and strong emotions can keep you awake at night. However, many people praise weighted blankets for their ability to calm anxiety and fight insomnia. These blankets work through deep pressure stimulation – applying pressure over the entire body in a way that creates a sense of comfort and calm. Most are available in weights from 5 to 30 pounds, and it’s recommended to purchase a blanket that is roughly 10% of the person’s body weight.

Flowers or Seed Kits

For many years, flowers have been a staple gift to those who are grieving. They are an excellent way to bring life and beauty to a home and to let someone know you are thinking of them. Another plant gift alternative is to give a flower kit (like for roses or hydrangeas) or a memorial tree kit. Each of these gifts will allow the grieving person to watch the plant grow over time and act as a sweet reminder that their loved one is not forgotten. They can even put a little plaque near the tree or plant that says “In Memory of” to make it more special.

Grief or Self-Care Book

With this gift, you do have to be sensitive. If possible, choose a book that has helped you personally. Whether you choose a book about grief or a book on self-care, there are many options out there. And if you aren’t familiar with a book, check out online reviews or ask family and friends what books helped them through a loss. Then, with a thoughtful note, mail the book to your grieving friend.

Calming Tea & Mug Set

Sitting down at home with a hot cup of non-caffeinated tea, wrapped up in a blanket with a good book or TV show can have a truly calming effect. And after the death of a loved one, there’s so much that may cause stress, worry, doubt, and confusion. According to research, tea has a calming effect on the nervous system, helps reduce stress and anxiety, and promotes a feeling of well-being. Some of the most calming teas are chamomile, lavender, mint, rooibos, and green tea. Pair a tea with a cute or inspirational mug, and you have a caring sympathy gift you can mail.

Homemade Spa Set

If your grieving friend adores relaxing in the bath, a homemade spa set may be the perfect sympathy gift. Put together a smattering of bath bombs, aromatherapy candles, and scented Epsom salt to create the perfect self-care package. You could also include their favorite beverage or a relaxing playlist of songs. And if you just don’t know what items to select, you can also choose a spa gift set online and have it delivered right to their door.

Sympathy Gift Box

Just as there are many food gift boxes out there, many companies specialize in creating sympathy gift boxes. All you have to do is type “sympathy gift box” into your search browser and a multitude of options will pop up. Some boxes focus on food, self-care, calming or creative activities, or even humor and laughter. Simply choose a gift box that fits your grieving friend’s personality and send it to them.

Hand-drawn Portrait

While this gift will take more time, effort, and talent, it also has the potential to be deeply meaningful. If possible, find an image online of the person who has died and then hand-draw or paint a portrait of them. Choose whatever size or medium you prefer and go to work creating something truly unique. When your grieving friend opens the package, there will be tears, of course, but there will also be sweet memories that bring comfort and healing.

Stuffed Animal

For some adults and definitely grieving children, a stuffed animal brings a smile. Many people have an affinity to a certain type of animal, which makes it the perfect sympathy gift. Some love teddy bears, unicorns, cats, bunnies, or red pandas – simply go to the store or online and find the stuffed toy that makes the most sense. Then, when feelings of grief come, your friend can look at the animal, give it a hug, and remember that you care.

Special Photo & Frame

Sometimes the simple things can mean the most. By purchasing a personalized frame and pairing it with a sweet photo, you can create an impactful gift. Choose a photo you know the grieving person loves or send them a photo they may not have. Include yourself in the photo, when possible, but keep the focus on your friend and their lost loved one. Add your own special touch with a handwritten note of love and support.

Themed Gift Box

While you can certainly find themed gift boxes online, you can easily create your own. Let’s say your grieving friend loves pineapples. Go to the store or online and find all the pineapple things you can. Pineapple hand towels, soaps, dried fruit, stuffed toy, flavored tea, mug, bathrobe, whatever. Then put everything in a box with pineapple tissue paper and card. When your friend receives it, they will find comfort in the time you took to create the perfect package, tailored to them.

No matter what sympathy gift you choose to mail, the key is to find something that’s personal, practical, and comforting. Think about what your grieving friend likes and choose something that will benefit them most. If you don’t know them well, choose something that would comfort you personally. They will still feel the sentiment and know that you care about what they’re going through.

Mar 10

Love0

Understanding Half-Couch versus Full-Couch Caskets

By christy.kessler Cemeteries, Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

After losing a loved one, a viewing or visitation can be a sweet moment of remembrance and an opportunity to say a final goodbye in person. As you put together this meaningful event, one thing you will need to decide is whether to use a full-couch or a half-couch casket. But what’s the difference between them? Let’s talk about it.

What is a Half-Couch Casket?

If you live in the United States, you are likely most familiar with a half-couch casket. This means that there’s a seam in the middle of the casket, which splits the lid into two different pieces. This design element allows you to open just the top or the bottom of the casket. At many viewings, the head section is open, so that mourners can see the face and torso of the person who has died. The lower half of the body remains covered by the bottom section of the lid.

What is a Full-Couch Casket?

While less common, full-couch caskets are also used across the United States. For example, singer James Brown was laid to rest in a full-couch casket after a viewing open to the public. The only difference from a half-couch casket is that the lid is one solid piece. When you open the casket, you see the entire body, though often the legs are covered with a blanket of some sort.

Does It Matter Which I Choose?

Ultimately, it’s up to your personal preference.

Both options:

Will facilitate an open- or closed-casket viewing or visitation
Are appropriate for burial in a cemetery
Are available in a variety of styles and materials

In some areas of the country, one type may be more popular than the other, but again, it boils down to preference. For closed-casket services, the full-couch offers a more “complete” look (no middle seam), which is important to some. However, since the lid completely closes on both types, either could be chosen for a closed-casket event.

If you’re on the fence and just aren’t sure which to choose, speak with a funeral professional about their experience helping other families. They can give you an insider’s view on the pros and cons of each type.

Are There Any Specific Benefits to Each Type?

While the main difference is the lid, there are subtle benefits to each type you may want to consider.

Half-Couch

Brings the focus to the deceased person’s face
Some caskets cost less because the foot portion is less detailed (it won’t be seen)
With a particularly tall person, the half-couch style can disguise the need to bend the knees to fit the body into the casket (oversized caskets are more expensive)

Full-Couch

Allows full view of the deceased’s body, which may be important for the family
May meet religious needs or cultural norms for your area
Commonly used when there is no viewing

As you can see, the only strong factor to pull you to one casket or the other is whether you have specific regional, cultural, or religious needs. Otherwise, you can select either option and get everything you need.

Does the Casket Type Affect Personalization Options?

In general, you can decorate and personalize however you want with both types. With flowers, the spray can either lay across the middle with a full-couch or on the lower portion of the half-couch (when the lid is open). For veterans, the U.S. flag will be placed in a slightly different location depending on whether you select full-couch or half-couch. Any other items you want to place on or around the casket can be arranged with the funeral professionals assisting you.

What About Cost?

All caskets – full-couch and half-couch – are available in a variety of styles and materials. This means that there’s going to be a range of prices. As an extreme example, if you get a gold-plated casket, it’s going to be expensive whether you choose full-couch or half-couch. If cost is a determining factor for you, then use that to guide whether you choose full- or half-couch. There are affordable options with both types, so you will be able to find something that meets your budget.

Hopefully, you now have a better understanding of the differences between full-couch and half-couch caskets. If you’d like to know more about wood, steel, and eco-friendly caskets, take a minute to read “How to Select a Casket.”

Mar 10

Love0

woman holding child's shoes after losing a child

The 6 Needs of Mourning for Grieving Parents

By Courtney Cook Grief/Loss

Losing a child is one of the most heartbreaking experiences any parent will ever face. It feels wrong and unnatural for a child to die before a parent, and you may be questioning yourself, wondering if you could have done more to protect your child. You may feel like life will never be normal again. Or that maybe it shouldn’t be.

As you try to process losing your child, keep in mind that grief is different for everyone and follows no timeline. You may be experiencing intense emotions, such as anger, guilt, doubt, fear, depression, extreme pain, and deep sadness. As a mother or father, you may have very different feelings from those around you. Losing a child can strain your relationships with your spouse, other children, or extended family members as you all try to process the loss in your own way.

As you begin your grief journey, remember that the goal is not to “move on” or “move forward” but to move toward healing, peace, and reconciliation with the loss. Renowned grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt says that those mourning the death of a loved one have six needs that must be met as they grieve. While it takes time to begin healing, meeting these needs can help you process your loss in a healthy way.

Acknowledge the reality of the death

According to Dr. Wolfelt, the first need of mourners is acknowledging the reality of the death or, in his words, “gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again.” The death of a child or a teenager is often sudden and completely unexpected. When hearing of the loss, parents, siblings, friends, and other family members may respond with shock and denial. Even if your child had a prolonged or terminal illness, you might struggle to wrap your mind around the fact that they are really gone.

To help yourself begin to heal, you can take small actions to come to terms with the new reality. Viewing your child’s body before burial or cremation can be helpful. Using the past tense when telling their story can also help. It may be painful at first, especially if you wake up thinking that losing your child was just a nightmare. The mind needs time to adjust to new realities, so be gentle and patient with yourself throughout this process.

Move toward the pain of loss

The next need of mourners is to move toward the pain of the loss. As Dr. Wolfelt says, “It is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it.” When faced with strong negative emotions, many of us try to block the pain to protect ourselves. When grieving the loss of a child, you aren’t just grieving their death – you’re also grieving the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for them. We may try to avoid the pain of the loss through numbing activities that temporarily bring relief. But this only stalls the healing process. As Dr. Wolfelt often points out, there is no way around grief. The only way to the other side is through it.

Instead, focus on grieving in a healthy way. Slow down and let yourself feel. Try going on walks or runs or writing in a grief journal. Visit your child’s grave, talk to them out loud, or speak with a friend or family member that you trust. Let yourself cry, scream, and vent your emotions in a way that helps you. It may feel unnatural to you at first, especially if you tend to bury your emotions. Remember that it’s okay and healthy to fully feel your emotions and set them free, as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or anyone else. By facing your grief and emotions head-on, you can begin to understand them and continue healing.

Honor your child’s memory

After moving toward the pain of the loss, the next need of mourning is to transition from a physical relationship with the person who died to a relationship of memory. Whether your child was with you for minutes or years, they made an impact on your life, and they live on in your memories of them. Dr. Wolfelt says that “remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible.” By holding your memories of your child close and sharing them with others, you will continue to keep their memory alive.

There are many ways you can honor your child’s memory. For example, you can share stories about them with your friends and family, journal your memories, or write a letter to your child. Doing creative projects, like making a memory box or a scrapbook, can also help you process your grief. These physical memorial projects are a great option to do as a family, with your spouse or your other children. You may find it painful at first to think about your child, but learning to treasure the moments you were able to spend with them will bring them even closer to your heart and allow you to find hope for the future.

Develop a new sense of identity

The fourth need of mourners is to develop a new sense of identity. As Dr. Wolfelt explains, “We all have mirrors in our life that remind us of who we are. But after a death, we experience identity diffusion, a sort of confusion about who we are and the purpose that we serve in the greater scheme of things.” Your relationships with your closest friends and family members are a part of your identity, and your child made up an even bigger part of who you are. Your brain is likely struggling to understand life without your child, and you may feel like a part of yourself died with them.

A funeral or memorial service can be the first step to recognizing your new identity. While you wrestle with your change in identity, don’t be afraid to seek the support of family and friends who know you best. Losing a child can also strain your other relationships, especially with your spouse or other children. Life can become even more difficult if you, your spouse, or your children avoid talking to each other or close yourselves off. Instead, take time to sit down as a family and talk regularly. By opening up lines of communication, you and your family can work through your new identities together and learn how to continue life in your new identities.

Search for meaning in the loss

As you grieve, you’ll also need to search for meaning in the loss. After your child’s death, you may ask yourself many questions – especially “Why?” You might feel like you’ll never understand. As Dr. Wolfelt says, “The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions.” The death of someone we love makes us confront mortality – our loved ones’ mortality and our own.

It’s completely normal to ask these questions, but remember that death is a mystery, and some questions will be left unanswered. That’s okay! Exploring deep questions, even without finding answers, can help you examine your own life and consider whether you are where you want to be. Take this time to ask yourself what you can do to live a meaningful life. You can use this experience and your questions as an opportunity to make positive changes to become the person you want to be. While you may not find all the answers you’re looking for, asking these questions can help you find meaning in your continued living and discover hope for the future.

Receive ongoing support

The final need for mourners is ongoing support. Grief comes and goes in waves – you’ll likely struggle more on some days than others. That’s why finding ongoing support from your family and friends is important. As Dr. Wolfelt says, “Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners, or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need.” As you work through your grief journey, don’t be afraid to reach out to a grief or family therapist or join a grief support group. It can be hard to reach out for help, but taking this step can give you the support you need on the hardest days.

Special days, like your child’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or holidays, can be especially difficult. Plan ahead for those days, and don’t be afraid to let your friends and family know if you need extra care on a certain day.

Losing a child is heartbreaking, and it will take time for you and your family to heal. As you begin your grief journey, be patient and gentle with yourself, and allow yourself time to heal and grieve so that you can find healing, reconciliation, and hope.

Feb 21

Love0

Three friends celebrating as they summit a mountain after a hike together

Do You Have a Bucket List? Here’s Why You Should

By christy.kessler Living Well

We all have things we want to accomplish before we die, but with all the demands in life, it’s hard to find the time (and resources) to do them all. But in many ways, it’s important to have a bucket list because it’s so hard to find the time. Rather than spend our days on things we aren’t passionate about, a bucket list can help us focus in on the things that matter. Today, let’s talk about why bucket lists are important and how you can put achievable goals on your list!

pen with red notebook with the words bucket list in the upper left corner

Quick note before we begin: think of a bucket list and a wish list as two different things. A bucket list should be filled with dreams but dreams you can actively work toward achieving. A wish list can include all the other fantastical and amazing things that would be incredible, but you don’t want to put specific effort into accomplishing.

Why Should I Create a Bucket List?

As you consider what to put on your list, here are several reasons why a bucket list can be helpful:

1. A bucket list can provide purpose

Having hopes, dreams, and goals can give you purpose, focus, and direction in your life. By choosing to pursue a particular gift, talent, or dream, you can make choices that push you ever closer to accomplishing things you didn’t think possible.

2. A bucket list can ignite your creativity

When you’re focused on accomplishing something, you come up with all kinds of ways to make it happen. Whether it means taking classes, learning a new painting technique, or improving your rock climbing strength, you can push your creativity (and your inspiration) to new heights.

3. A bucket list can create meaningful memories

No matter how long it takes you to accomplish each item on your bucket list, you’re going to make memories along the way. You will learn and grow, becoming a different and better person through the process.

4. A bucket list can help you enjoy life

Have you ever noticed that when you’re working toward a goal or finishing a project, it makes you happy? A bucket list can do the same! If you really embrace the practice, it can give you an added zest for life as you work toward achieving your dreams!

If you’ve decided that you definitely want to write out your very own bucket list, it’s important to make sure that your goals are achievable. But how do you do that? Let’s talk about it.

How Do I Set Achievable Goals?

The first step is to write down the things you’d like to add to your bucket list. Then, for each entry, you will need to set sub-goals. These sub-goals will help you accomplish each bucket list item. But how can you be smart about setting these goals? Use the S.M.A.R.T. method!

The S.M.A.R.T. goal-setting concept originated in 1981, and because it’s so effective, it’s still a much-used practice today. Basically, any goals you set (i.e., any items on your bucket list) should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound (S.M.A.R.T.).

Let’s say that one of your goals is to visit Washington, D.C. someday. Using that example, let’s talk through each section of the S.M.A.R.T. goal method.

Specific

When you write an entry on your bucket list, don’t be vague. For example, a vague goal would say, “I want to see museums in Washington, D.C.” A specific goal would be “I want to see the Hope Diamond at the National Museum of Natural History in Washington, D.C.” When you add specificity, you make the goal easier to track and measure, which keeps you accountable and helps you achieve.

Measurable

When you add a goal to your bucket list, you should be able to track your progress. You’re going to need to pay for that Washington, D.C. trip. Rather than put “Pay for Washington, D.C.” on your list, say “Save $7,000 for my once-in-a-lifetime trip to Washington, D.C.” Now, you can better measure how close you are to actually achieving your goal of visiting the city.

Achievable

When you set a goal, it should be something that’s possible for you to accomplish with your own tools and resources. For example, when you’re in Washington, D.C., you might want to say, “Talk to the President of the United States.” But how likely is that to happen? Do you have the right resources or know the right people to make that happen? If you do, put it on the list! If you don’t, move on to something more achievable.

Relevant

Your goals should be relevant to your overall objective. In this example, your overall objective is to visit Washington, D.C. A non-relevant goal would be “Try out a new haircut.” While you may want to sport that new haircut while you’re in D.C., it’s not relevant to actually getting there and achieving your bucket list item.

Time-bound

Lastly, it’s useful to have a timeframe. If you just say, “I want to visit Washington, D.C. in my lifetime,” it may never happen. However, if you decide that you want to see cherry blossom season at the National Mall, you can say, “I will visit Washington, D.C., in April two years from now.” Then, you can start planning and saving with a deadline in mind.

Pro Tip: Don’t try to do everything at once.

Depending on what’s on your bucket list, you may only work on a handful of goals at a time. For example, it’s hard to save for a trip to Washington, D.C., while also saving for a trip to Italy. But, you could be saving toward a trip to Washington, D.C., while also teaching yourself to knit, learning how to polka, or trying out pink highlights in your hair.

Often, we think of a bucket list as consisting of things that are almost unachievable. But today, we’re challenging that mindset! Choose the things that matter to you and work toward achieving them with smart goals and intentional steps. A beautiful, meaningful, and purposeful life doesn’t come with a specific blueprint – you have to figure out what yours looks like, and it will be unique to you!

Feb 15

Love0

Why Should You Visit Your Loved One’s Grave at Easter?

By Courtney Cook Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Easter is typically a joyful time, but if you’ve recently lost a loved one, you may find it difficult to find the hope that Easter usually represents. Your grief may feel at odds with the celebration of new beginnings, but you can still honor your loved one’s memory while celebrating Easter. One way to do that is by visiting your loved one’s grave.

While visiting a cemetery at Easter may seem like a somber activity, it can help you in your grief journey. Easter is a time of reflection, and spending time at your loved one’s grave can help you find meaning in your loss and hope for the future.

Here are a few reasons you should consider visiting your loved one’s grave at Easter:

Bring Seasonal Flowers

Easter is often celebrated with beautiful flowers, like lilies, tulips, and daffodils. Because Easter happens at the beginning of spring, it’s one of the first occasions when there are more flowers in season and available. Bringing a bouquet of spring or Easter flowers to your loved one’s grave can make your visit more personal and make it feel like they’re a part of the day with you.

Many families decorate their loved one’s grave at Easter using flowers or other Easter decorations, like stuffed rabbits, pastel butterflies, or angel wings. These displays can be a way for families to incorporate their loved one into their Easter celebration. If you wish to leave flowers or decorate your loved one’s grave, please check your cemetery’s rules about graveside decorations.

Meditate on New Beginnings

When we think of Easter, we often think of new beginnings. For Christians, the resurrection of Jesus Christ is a symbol of hope and new life. For many others, Easter is a time to reflect on the new beginnings that spring brings. When you visit your loved one’s grave, you’re able to meditate and reflect without distractions, which gives you time to slow down and think deeply.

Visiting your loved one’s grave at Easter after a long, dreary winter can also remind you of hope. If you visited the cemetery during the winter, the air was likely cold, the grass dead, and the mood somber. But at Easter, the grass has turned green and flowers are blooming. The landscape will be beautiful again after the darkness of winter, which will help your visit feel more joyful and remind you that hope is just around the corner.

Reflect on Your Loved One’s Legacy

Have you ever watched a movie where a character visits a loved one’s grave to have a moment of reflection and talk to them? Believe it or not, talking to your loved one at their grave can help you in your grief journey. Speaking out loud to your loved one can help you better process and understand the emotions you’re feeling. Plus, with the warmer spring weather at Easter time, you’ll be able to linger longer than you could in the previous months. While you can talk to your loved one any time, their grave serves as a physical reminder of them, which can help you feel more connected to them.

As you speak with your loved one, reflect on the positive memories you have with them. Your loved one left behind a legacy. By remembering what they taught you and the impact they made on your life, you can find gratitude for the time you were able to spend with them. After all, that’s what Easter is all about – being grateful for the blessings we’ve received. When we lose a loved one, it’s easy for us to wish they were with us and mourn the moments we won’t be able to share with them, but it’s just as important to treasure the beautiful times we did spend with them.

Contemplate Life and Death

Easter is the perfect time for contemplation – especially about life and death. When we visit the grave of a loved one, we are reminded of our own mortality. It’s a wonderful reminder that life is short and that the time we have is precious. Visiting your loved one’s grave can help you consider what’s most important to you by reminding you of what was most important in your relationship with your loved one.

For Christians, Easter is a celebration of Jesus’ death and resurrection and a reminder of the hope of salvation and life after death. Visiting a loved one’s grave can be a reminder that you will be reunited with your loved one again someday. No matter what you believe, though, Easter and the coming of spring can be a great opportunity to contemplate your beliefs about life and death and consider what makes your life meaningful.

As you celebrate the hope, joy, and new life of Easter, taking time to think of your lost loved one can help you on your grief journey. If you’ve never visited your loved one’s grave before, visiting on a holiday like Easter can be a great place to start. By taking time to reflect at your loved one’s grave at Easter and incorporating them into your traditions, you can begin to find peace and new hope for the future.

Feb 14

Love0

Older man sitting on couch with laptop sitting on coffee table in front of him, thinking and writing on pad of paper

6 Ways You Can Save Money with Funeral Preplanning & Prefunding

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

A recent survey revealed that while more than 50% of participants said they were likely to preplan their own funeral, only 7% of had actually done it. Many people understand that preplanning their funeral is a good idea, yet they are unsure of the steps to take and if they can afford it. However, preplanning and prefunding your funeral wishes can actually help you save money in the long run. This article will discuss 6 reasons why preplanning your funeral is a wise financial decision.

Older man sitting on couch with laptop sitting on coffee table in front of him, thinking and writing on pad of paper

First, why should you consider preplanning and prefunding a funeral?

Think about it. If you were to die suddenly and unexpectedly, what would your family have to do? They probably don’t know your wishes, so they will be worried about what to do. They may not have the funds to pay for a funeral out of pocket, so they will be worried about finances. On top of that, they will likely be in shock and a cloud of grief, making it hard to make decisions. Funeral preplanning takes care of all of these worries and fears by documenting your wishes, and just about every funeral home offers this service for free! With your wishes in writing, your family will know what you want so they can make decisions with confidence and certainty.

Then, if you take the next step and prefund your funeral plan, you are protecting your family financially by taking care of the cost of a funeral ahead of time. This relieves your family of the financial burden that comes with a loss. So, with a plan in place for both your wishes and finances, you remove most of the burdens that usually fall on loved ones during a time of loss. All they need to do is gather together, comfort one another, and mourn. For more information on why funeral preplanning is a great idea, take a moment to read 10 Reasons to Plan Ahead.

Young man wearing a gray sweater who is counting dollar bills

6 Ways You can Save Money with Funeral Preplanning & Prefunding

Now that you understand what funeral preplanning and prefunding is and why it matters, let’s talk about the ways that it can help your family save money – both now and in the future.

1. You Can Protect Your Funeral Funds Against Inflation

Inflation is one of those facts of life. Simply put, prices always tend to go up, and that includes the cost of a funeral. However, when you prefund with a funeral insurance policy, the policy is specifically set up to grow over time so it can offset the effects of inflation. This means that the earlier you prefund your funeral plan the better because prefunding protects your purchasing power over time, and that’s a big plus!

2. You Can Pay Over Time in Installments

Another big perk to prefunding with a funeral insurance policy is that it makes a funeral much more affordable. Instead of having to pay for everything all at once, you can set up monthly payments that fit into your budget. That can be especially important to those living on a fixed income. Plus, once the policy is paid in full, it’s paid off! You don’t have to make any further payments, which isn’t true of life insurance policies or final expense policies.

Man sitting at coffee table with calculator, adding up the cost

3. You May Be Able to Lock in Today’s Pricing

In some states, when you plan ahead, funeral homes offer a guarantee that “locks in” their pricing at today’s prices. That means that even if your funeral is 20 years from now, your family won’t have to pay the difference on rising funeral and merchandise costs. This can be a huge benefit, especially when we don’t know what the economy (or the price of a casket) will look like in 20 years. This benefit isn’t available at every funeral home or in every state, so be sure to contact your funeral home to check into the specifics or to find out what other affordable options they provide.

4. You Can Preserve Assets through Medicaid Qualification

Do you think you will need to qualify for long-term care assistance through Medicaid at some point? Then prefunding can help you preserve assets for your family. With Medicaid, you can’t qualify until you have depleted your savings (often to around $2,000). Let’s say you have $50,000 in savings. You will be expected to spend $48,000 on your own long-term care before Medicaid will kick in. However, a properly structured prepaid funeral plan is one of only a handful of ways you can preserve assets for your family!

In other words, you can use some or all of that $48,000 to pay for your own funeral wishes, and in many states, you can pay for funeral items for a spouse, child, and even siblings or parents. This way, your $48,000 will benefit your family and not go toward paying nursing home costs! To learn more about this way to save money, go to Medicaid Qualification Rules and How to Spend Down with a Burial Plan.

shows stethoscope with a small chalkboard that says Medicaid

5. You Can Save Life Insurance Proceeds for Your Family

Roughly 40% of people choose to use life insurance funds to pay for a funeral at the time of loss. But did you know that there are actually some drawbacks to this plan?

Life insurance claims take 6-8 weeks to process. Your family will likely pay out-of-pocket expenses until the claim is paid.
If life insurance funds are used to cover funeral expenses, there may not be much left over for other expenses that life insurance was intended to cover (living expenses, lost income, medical bills, credit cards, other debts, etc.)
Over time, as prices go up, your purchasing power goes down, meaning your family will pay more for the funeral if it’s not prefunded.

On the other hand, if you prefund with a funeral insurance policy, the funds will be available right away and none of your life insurance proceeds will be depleted for funeral costs. That puts more money in your survivors’ hands and relieves the financial stress that comes after a death.

Shows carefree multi-generational family walking outside together and having fun

6. You Can Remove Financial Burdens from Your Family

By preplanning and prefunding ahead of time, you give your surviving loved ones a loving gift and protect them during a time of loss. Here’s how:

Keeps them from overspending

During times of grief, judgment can become clouded, and it’s hard to make decisions. In addition to walking around in this grief-induced mental fog, if your family has no idea what kind of funeral you want, they may opt for choosing “only the best.” That means they may spend a lot more money than you would have wanted them to spend. You can protect them from overspending by recording your funeral wishes in advance.

Keeps them from scrambling to pay for a funeral

Having no plan in place is a plan…but it leaves your family in a tough spot. It means they are left scrambling and worrying about how to come up with funeral funds in a hurry. They may have to take out a loan, use a credit card, or launch a GoFundMe campaign. This leaves them with a financial burden that they may not be prepared to carry. By preplanning and prefunding ahead of time, you can remove that burden from them entirely!

Father, son, and grandson sitting on a couch, looking at a laptop together while smiling

So, What’s Next?

Now that you know how you can save with funeral preplanning and prefunding, it’s time to take the next step. You can start by contacting a reputable funeral home in your area. They will listen to your thoughts and ideas and help you create a funeral plan that meets your needs and fits comfortably into your budget.

If you’d like to learn more about funeral preplanning, here are some helpful resources:

What is Advance Funeral Planning?

What to Expect at a Preplanning Appointment

10 Reasons to Plan Ahead

9 Preplanning Mistakes to Avoid

10 Questions to Ask Before You Prepay Your Funeral

3 Funeral Insurance Options You Should Know About