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Dec 20
Love0
Woman sitting alone on couch, wrapped in gray blanket

Recognizing Unhealthy Coping Habits

By Grief/Loss

Losing someone you love can throw you off-balance and make you feel like you’re losing control of your life. This is completely normal in the early stages of grief. Whether you’re feeling sad, angry, guilty, numb – all of these are natural reactions to loss. However, the intensity of your grief should decrease over time, becoming less sharp, less overwhelming. Unfortunately, for some, grief can trigger or exacerbate unhealthy coping habits, leading to something called “negative coping.” When these habits are unaddressed or go on too long, they can seriously affect your ability to live a healthy life.

Woman laying in bed, having trouble sleeping

What is “Negative Coping”?

First, let’s look at negative coping, so you have a clear understanding of what it is and how to identify it.

Definition

While we all cope with grief and stress in our own ways, there are some habits that are destructive to a person’s health – both physical and emotional. “Negative coping” refers to any behavior that is used to avoid painful emotions or situations. These numbing actions provide momentary relief (“avoidance”), but they do not facilitate healing in any way.

Why is negative coping bad?

The biggest reason negative coping is so harmful is because it prevents you from dealing with your emotions in a healthy way. In a way, you get trapped in a cycle of avoidance. It’s too hard to deal with the emotions, so you numb yourself with other things. These other things aren’t necessarily bad on their own, but they can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. For example, it’s fine to enjoy a glass of wine or other alcoholic beverage now and then, but if you are leaning on alcohol to numb your feelings, there’s a problem.

How do I know when someone is participating in negative coping?

It can be hard to pinpoint because everyone experiences grief in a different way, but numbing activities are a good indicator. For example, if you know someone who has been watching TV a lot, that may not be a sign of negative coping. However, if that person is actively avoiding all other responsibilities, isolating themselves, and skipping work to watch TV (even months after the loss), then there’s cause for concern.

Now that you understand negative coping, let’s discuss 4 unhealthy coping habits to avoid.

Middle-aged woman sitting at her desk with laptop, glasses, and cup of tea nearby

4 Unhealthy Coping Habits to Avoid

Before we look at some of the more damaging unhealthy coping habits, it’s important to understand that any behavior can be unhealthy when it’s used incorrectly. For instance, if you spend too much money, eat too much food, sleep too much, or watch TV too much, you can develop an unhealthy habit around that behavior. It’s important to evaluate why you are doing it and what you are avoiding.

Here are some normal behaviors that can take on an unhealthy edge during times of loss:

  • Working long hours/staying busy
  • Focusing on the needs of your family only/ignoring yourself
  • Using food to numb your feelings
  • Forgetting self-care/hygiene
  • Sleeping too much
  • Allowing an activity to consume your life (working out, TV, video games, etc.)

While all of these are concerning, there are some coping habits that are particularly damaging to your physical and emotional health. Participating in these activities may end up harming you or someone else.

#1 – Living in Denial

While denial is a normal part of grief, it should pass relatively quickly. When you see a loved one’s body at the visitation, attend the service, or help scatter the ashes, these actions all help you accept the reality of the death. However, refusing to acknowledge reality or choosing to live in denial can be very harmful. This doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t believe the death occurred, but it does mean you’ve shut off your emotions. If you don’t come to some form of acceptance, it can lead to fewer meaningful connections and feeling trapped in an emotional purgatory. Without meaningful connections, the zest for life is lost, and you live the shadow of a life you could have.

Woman sitting alone on couch, wrapped in gray blanket

#2 – Choosing Isolation and Withdrawal

When things are hard, running away sometimes feels like a good idea. One way to run from dealing with your feelings is to withdraw and isolate. While this behavior may feel comforting in the moment, it leads to feelings of loneliness and a higher risk of mental health problems. When the grief feels like it’s ripping you apart, it is hard to engage with others, but it’s important that you do. You don’t have to become a social butterfly but let in the people who are closest to you. Be open and honest with those you trust and start to engage with your feelings. It will help, and you can balance your emotional needs.

#3 – Using Addictive Substances

Science tells us that some people are more likely than others to develop an addiction. Sometimes, an addiction starts from a desire to fit in with others, but often, it begins during times of great stress. Whether it’s alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs, the temptation to overuse addictive substances lies in their ability to help numb the emotions. We are looking for an external way to heal internal pain, but it’s only temporary. To truly heal, you have to confront the pain and deal with it. With this unhealthy habit, the effects can be far-reaching, including permanent damage to your body or even criminal charges.

Older man sitting alone at home, elbow on knee with hand to face

#4 – Engaging in High-Risk Behavior

Perhaps the most alarming unhealthy habit is engaging in high-risk behavior. This could include abusing alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs, but it refers to other things, too. It could mean compulsive spending, gambling, self-harm, reckless driving, getting into an unhealthy relationship, or unsafe sexual activity. These activities can have very real and long-lasting consequences, which makes them particularly harmful. For example, gambling can lead to extreme debt or reckless driving can lead to criminal charges. High-risk behavior is a very obvious indicator that someone is not processing their grief in a healthy way.

If you find yourself or a loved one participating in any of these harmful behaviors or you are simply having trouble finding a healthy balance in your life, it’s helpful to talk with someone – a trusted friend, a pastor, a church elder, a licensed counselor. Suppressing your feelings gets you to no place good, so even though it hurts, face them head on.

Renowned grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt puts it this way, “From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of people I have counseled over the years, I have learned that we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.”

man and woman sitting on couch, woman comforting man

How Can I Express My Pain in a Healthy Way?

Every person and every grief journey is unique, which means you have to figure out which healing actions work for you. However, there are many tried and true options that have been successful for a variety of people. Give different activities a try and see what works for you. For tips on healthy grieving habits, take a moment to read 10 Helpful Tips When Grieving a Loss, How Creativity Can Help You Deal with Loss, and 5 Benefits of a Grief Journal.

Grief is hard, and you may find yourself staggering from the loss. Even so, for your own sake, find a way to work through your emotions. Name them. Embrace them. And eventually, begin to heal from them. In the meantime, if you need help moving away from unhealthy coping habits, reach out to a grief therapist. They can help you do the work of grief and get on the road to healing.

Dec 12
Love0

5 Ways to Help Grieving Seniors

By Grief/Loss, Helping a Friend in Grief

From grandparents to elders in the community, you likely know several people who are 75 or older. Many of the seniors you know have probably found ways to stay active and healthy in their later years, but some, especially grieving seniors, might seem to retreat and disconnect.

As more of their friends and family members die, seniors may feel lonely and overwhelmed by grief. Many seniors can even experience “compounded grief,” which is a result of experiencing multiple losses in a short time. This grief can weigh down the elderly, making each day more of a struggle.

Seniors might feel like the world around them is changing rapidly, which can leave them feeling depressed, isolated, and less motivated to engage in day-to-day activities. If you have a senior in your life who is showing signs of grief, here are 5 ways you can support them:

1. Assist with everyday tasks

woman and daughter helping senior woman bake

Offering to help your senior friend in practical ways can be a huge help. For seniors, navigating everyday tasks can be challenging, especially when they’re dealing with grief or depression. By offering to help with small tasks, you’ll show them that you care about them and want to help. For example, you could drive them to doctor’s appointments, do some yard work, clean the house, cook a meal with them, or bring them groceries or their favorite treats.

As much as you want to help them, make sure you ask permission and respect their wishes. Many seniors want to live independent lives, so they may resist your attempts to help. Make sure they know that you’re trying to make their life easier, not trying to take away their independence when you offer to help.

2. Help them get involved in the community

senior man volunteering and picking up trash

Sometimes seniors feel lonely and forgotten, especially as more of their friends pass away. However, exploring their interests can help them connect with others. Many community centers, libraries, churches, or local clubs host monthly or weekly groups. With book clubs, gardening groups, crafting sessions, and even virtual groups, there are plenty of ways for seniors to dive into a hobby or project. Best of all, they can make new friends along the way.

Additionally, seniors might find it fulfilling to volunteer in the community. Donating their time, money, or items can remind them that they can still make an impact. For example, seniors could volunteer at animal shelters, community gardens, food banks, or school fundraisers. And, if you volunteer alongside them, you’ll build up your relationship while supporting the community together.

3. Spend time with them

woman helping senior man

As seniors begin losing their friends, they can feel like they’re all alone. By spending time with them, you can help them feel less lonely. You could cook together, play board games or cards, or sit and talk. You could even take them out for a day on the town to go shopping or get lunch. As you strengthen your relationship with them, your presence will help reassure them that they still matter to you.

Even more importantly, take time to listen to them. Listening shows that you’re interested in someone and care about their life and experiences. Whether your senior friend wants to talk about the grief they experience or reminisce about times gone by, you can make them feel secure and validate their feelings. Listening to a senior can also benefit you; you might hear a new story or learn from their wisdom and experience.

4. Include them in family events

young girl and senior man playing game with blocks

Whether the senior you want to help is a family member or a friend, including them in family events can help them feel like a part of something. Plus, if you have young children or teenagers, spending time with the elderly can have a positive impact on their lives. There are plenty of ways to involve a senior. You could bring the kids around for a visit, host a game or movie night, or invite them to a family dinner, your child’s sports game, or a school play.

Inviting your elderly friend or family member to join your family during the holidays can have an even greater impact. The holidays can be a heavy reminder of the people a grieving senior has lost, but surrounding them with love and care can help them find joy in the season.

5. Encourage them to find outside support

seniors supporting each other

While some seniors might dislike the idea of counseling, support groups and therapy are beneficial for people who have experienced loss. Outside support can help grieving seniors process their emotions, especially if they’re dealing with compounded grief from multiple losses. Plus, hearing from others about their struggles can remind seniors that they’re not alone.

Some seniors might resist your attempts to help them at first. Be respectful of their boundaries, but also remind them that you care about them and you’re there to support them. Whether you’re seeking to help a parent, a grandparent, or an elderly friend, you can take small steps to include them in your life. While a senior might feel overwhelmed by their grief, knowing that you’re there to help and truly want what’s best for them will bring them comfort.

Dec 08
Love0

How to Write a Eulogy

By Funeral Poems, Meaningful Funerals, Music

Being asked to write and present someone’s eulogy is a great honor and is often reserved for those closest to the person who died. But it can also be a challenge. Whether you’ve given multiple eulogies, or you are writing your first one, it can be difficult to decide which special moments to include, what theme to focus on, and how to ensure the eulogy properly honors the deceased. Then there’s the public speaking factor, which most of us don’t particularly enjoy.

There is no set template or outline a eulogy has to follow. In fact, eulogies can be presented in many different ways, depending on the loved one or the family’s wishes. However, there are a few things to remember before getting started.

But before we get into how to write a eulogy, let’s review what a eulogy is and why it’s an important part of saying goodbye.

What is a Eulogy?

Eulogy

A eulogy is a speech or writing praising someone highly, typically someone who has just died. But more than that, a eulogy is telling your loved one’s story, sharing what made them remarkable, and explaining why you love them. A good eulogy can capture who they were, bring memories alive, and offer comfort to those who grieve.

Usually, the eulogizer — the eulogy presenter — is someone very close to the loved one. A child, grandchild, spouse, or even a dear friend can be asked to give the eulogy. While most people accept when asked to be the eulogizer, it is perfectly acceptable for you to politely decline. You may think you’ll be too emotional in the moment or maybe you just didn’t know the deceased well enough. Whatever your reason, you can ask that someone else give the eulogy.

If you accept writing and delivering your loved one’s eulogy, you should know that your participation will play an important role in the grieving and healing process. Hearing about the loved one’s life can help those who remain begin the difficult, but necessary, journey toward healing. Renowned grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt has done a lot of research on how to grieve well, and he has found that there are six universal needs of mourning. The eulogy is an important part of showing how much you loved one’s life impacted others and how those memories will live on.”

What Should Be in a Eulogy?

Everyone Has a Story typed words on a vintage typewriter. close up

Now that we’ve covered some of the basics, let’s look at the technical part of writing a eulogy. That starts with deciding what to include and what to leave out.

A eulogy’s overall message should be positive, uplifting, and encouraging. Focus on the happy memories and the meaningful moments you shared with your loved one. This is a time to remember the joy they brought to the world, so you’ll want to avoid bringing up negative or controversial memories.

You’ll also want to include specific facts: their birthplace, professional career, military service, places they lived, etc. More personal info like how they met their spouse, names of their children, their favorite places to relax, the church they attended, etc. can help paint an accurate picture of their life and legacy.

Now that you’ve got an idea of what you want to talk about, it’s time for the hardest part — the beginning.

How to Start a Eulogy

soft focus. Hand high school or university student in casual holding pencil writing on paper answer sheet. Sitting on lecture chair taking final exam or study attending in examination room or classroom

First things first — there is no perfect way to start a eulogy. You can use a poem, a funny story, the loved one’s obituary, or something else to get started. There are some key elements that you’ll want to include in your introduction, though.

It’s likely that not everyone will know who you are, so take a moment to introduce yourself and your relationship with the deceased. Your next step will depend on your relationship. If you’re a close friend or outside of the immediate family, express your condolences for the family’s loss. This will show your empathy to those who are feeling your pain, but on a greater scale.

It’s also polite to thank those in attendance for coming to honor your loved one. You can mention how much it would mean to your loved one to see so many people from their life in attendance. Then, use your next few sentences to explain the eulogy’s theme or what kind of memories you will focus on. This will serve as a simple transition into the heart of your eulogy.

How to End a Eulogy

blank notebook with pencil on wooden table, business concept

Like the beginning, there is no correct way to conclude a eulogy. All that matters is that your final words are genuine. Speak from your heart so those listening can understand what you’re feeling. Summarize the theme of the eulogy and the lasting impact your loved one will have on those present.

If you didn’t include a meaningful poem, song lyric, inspirational quote, etc. in your introduction, the ending is also an ideal time to include those meaningful words. Poems, songs, quotes, or other sources can sometimes perfectly capture what you wish to say, but you may have a hard time expressing. The same can be said for a small joke. Laughter can be a great way to end a eulogy, just remember to find the appropriate balance to maintain the utmost respect for the deceased.

Saying goodbye to your loved one is another valuable option. Speaking directly to them can bring peace to the grieving. If you or the family are religious, offering a prayer at the end might seem most appropriate. Whatever you decide, remember to keep the ending heartfelt to match the rest of the eulogy’s tone.

How Long Should a Eulogy be?

funeral casket, coffin burial, farewell the death, goodbye loved one

Keeping the attention of those in attendance is the biggest factor in deciding how long a eulogy should be. You also don’t want the eulogy to be too short because it will look like you didn’t put enough thought into it, or too long, as you might lose the audience’s attention and can even risk you getting off-topic. This is why it can be challenging to decide what to include and what to leave out.

The ideal time to present a eulogy is between 5 and 10 minutes. This typically allows you enough time to honor your loved one’s life appropriately without losing the attendees’ focus. Since you want to keep the eulogy brief, remember to stay on topic when writing the eulogy and above all — practice giving the speech.

Read through the eulogy out loud at a slower, conversational speed. Then, once you feel comfortable, practice presenting in front of others. If you know the eulogy thoroughly, you’ll be confident and seen as someone who is talking from the heart.

Quality Over Quantity

Close up young woman holding female hand of older mother, caring adult grown up daughter supporting and comforting mature mum, expressing love, two generations trusted relations

Hopefully, these tips will help you craft a beautiful eulogy. One final piece of advice, and perhaps the most important, is to remember that quality is greater than quantity. A 5-minute eulogy that expresses your sincerest feelings and honors the life lived is better than a eulogy that feels long-winded and possibly rambles on.

Your loved one impacted so many lives, and those grieving will need words of hope and comfort as they start to finalize the reality of their loss. Use memories, fun stories, inspirational passages, and real emotion to remember your loved one the way they deserve.

Dec 06
Love0
Young woman sitting on couch, holding her stomach in pain

8 Physical Responses to Grief

By Grief/Loss

While we’re all familiar with the emotional aspects of grief – feeling sad, angry, shocked, relieved – the body can also respond physically to loss. For many people, the physical response often shows up as feeling extremely tired, but there are many other possible responses. Often, the more intense your emotional grief, the more likely you are to respond physically. We’re going to review 8 of those responses today, but first, let’s talk about what’s going on with your body.

young man sitting on couch with one hand on head and the other holding a glass of water

What’s Happening to My Body?

Every system of the body is connected in some way or another. That’s why the grief and stress you feel can begin to take a physical toll on your body. Just like work-related stress can begin to manifest in sleepless nights, headaches, racing thoughts, and heart palpitations, grief-related stress can do the same.

It will take time for your mind and emotions to come to grips with the loss you’ve suffered, and while you process your feelings, your body may also take a hit. The type of physical symptom you experience and its severity will vary from person to person. For some, the physical symptoms will include exhaustion and that’s it. For others, it might include exhaustion along with several other things.

Additionally, if you already have an existing physical condition, grief stress may exacerbate it. For example, if you have high blood pressure on a regular day, it may be harder to regulate while you’re experiencing deep grief. If you notice changes in a pre-existing condition, make sure to speak with your doctor and get the medical care you need.

For now, let’s take a look at 8 physical responses to grief that you may experience.

Woman laying face down on couch, feeling exhausted

1. Tiredness/Exhaustion

Tiredness and exhaustion are perhaps the most common physical responses to grief. Your thoughts and feelings, not to mention any crying, are sapping your energy. You may not feel like going about your normal daily activities and need naps throughout the day. This is completely normal. Make sure you take time to rest because pushing your body too hard can lead to lowered immunity and make you susceptible to getting sick.

2. Lowered Immunity

Speaking of the immune system, grief boosts your production of stress hormones, leading to more inflammation and increased risk of illness. Paired with fatigue, it’s not uncommon for people to catch a cold or get an infection during times of grief. In a 2014 research study, it was found that older adults experiencing grief, specifically the loss of a spouse, were particularly prone to infection. So, make sure you take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it.

Middle-aged man pinching the bridge of his nose as he deals with a headache

3. Brain Fog

Another common physical symptom, brain fog is your mind’s way of protecting you. As your body responds to grief – releasing stress hormones, feeling exhausted – your brain knows that you are becoming overwhelmed. Whether it’s helpful or not, your brain dulls a bit and tries to decrease the sharpness of your feelings. Brain fog typically goes away, usually after you’ve had a little time to process everything. For more information about brain fog, go to “Can Grief Make You Forget Things?”

4. Heart Health Concerns

Unfortunately, the release of stress hormones not only weakens the immune system, it also affects the cardiovascular system. One study found that the risk of heart attack increases 21-fold within 24 hours of a loved one’s death (and declines steadily each day after that). This is why there are instances when two family members may die in succession, like when Debbie Reynolds died of a heart-related complication just one day after her daughter, Carrie Fisher. If you experience chest pain, shortness of breath, or other symptoms, seek medical assistance right away.

Young woman sitting on couch, holding her stomach in pain

5. Digestive Issues & Weight Changes

When grief hits, it usually disrupts your normal eating habits, which can lead to digestive issues. Whether you’re dealing with constipation, diarrhea, stomach pain, or nausea, it could be related to changes in your routine, stress, or even anxiety. You may be eating out more, consuming junk food, binge eating, or skipping your regular exercise. In addition to affecting your digestion, these changes can affect your weight as well.

On the other hand, your response to stress may be to undereat rather than to overeat. If this is the case, then you may see weight loss occur. Plus, if you already have a sensitive stomach and carry stress there, you may see an increase in digestive issues when you’re grieving. Just remember, feed your body well and stay away from spicy, acidic, or exotic foods that may stress your system.

6. General Pain or Discomfort

Whether it’s feeling sick to your stomach or dealing with a migraine, your body may respond to grief stress with general pain and discomfort. Ranging from headaches, body aches, and muscle pain, to heaviness in the limbs or a racing heart, the symptoms vary from person to person. You can use over-the-counter pain meds, cold compresses, and other aids to help manage any discomfort, but if you are concerned, seek out a doctor to get a full diagnosis.

Drowsy woman sitting at desk with a cup of coffee, trying to stay awake

7. Sleeping Issues

Sleep is essential when your body is in distress, but it needs to be a healthy balance. For some, insomnia becomes an issue, while for others, oversleeping becomes a concern. Getting too much or too little sleep can sap your energy, decrease your cognitive functioning, and slow down recovery. The first few days, you may sleep more, but after that, try to get yourself back on a normal routine. Your body will eventually bounce back, and your energy will return. For more tips, read “Sleeping Tips for the Grieving.”

8. Dehydration

Crying is a natural response to grief and loss, but it can also lead to dehydration or dry mouth. Don’t try to stifle your crying – let it all out – but do make sure that you are staying hydrated. With everything going on, your body needs extra liquids to maintain a healthy balance. If you can, limit alcohol and caffeinated drinks and focus on getting your electrolytes.

While this list is fairly comprehensive, you may experience something not listed here. Don’t panic. Instead, if you become concerned, make an appointment with your doctor. They can help settle your fears, or if needed, properly diagnose you. We’ve all Googled symptoms before, and it’s rarely helpful. Get with a professional so they can help you feel better faster.

Husband checking on wife as she holds a hand to her chest

How Long Do Physical Symptoms Last?

In short, it depends. For the majority of people, the strength of grief lessens over time, and the sharpness subsides. And certainly, it’s not long before your body stops releasing so many stress hormones. Much of the time, physical symptoms subside within a few days to a few months. However, if the symptoms intensify or don’t resolve within 6-8 months, it’s time to speak with a therapist or a doctor.

If physical symptoms are present for so long, complicated grief becomes a concern. With complicated grief, your feelings intensify over time, the loss takes center stage in your life, and there are feelings of intense sorrow and a tendency to withdraw and isolate. Should it get to this point, it’s best to seek out professional help because it’s gone beyond something you can tackle on your own. To learn more about complicated grief, go to “What is Complicated Grief?”

Tips for Coping with the Physical Symptoms of Grief

Before we look at a few suggestions for coping with grief, it’s important to remember that grief feelings aren’t always associated with the death of a person. It could be receiving a serious diagnosis, losing a job, ending a relationship or friendship, experiencing financial difficulty, or living through a natural disaster.

Man walking his dog around the neighborhood, getting outside

Regardless of the source of your grief, here are a few tips to help you take care of your body through the grieving process:

  • Exercise regularly
  • Stay hydrated
  • Eat healthy foods daily
  • Get enough sleep
  • Go outside
  • Take over-the-counter meds, as needed

In the early days, it may be difficult to think about self-care. To make things simple, just take each day as it comes, incorporating these practices as best you can. Over time, as you process your feelings and do the work of grief, you will find a way to move forward and enjoy life again.

Nov 28
Love0

Honor Your Loved One this Valentine’s Day

By Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Chocolate-filled heart boxes, baby cupids, and red roses often signal the start of the season of love, which ultimately culminates with Valentine’s Day and brings the chance to celebrate romantic and friendship relationships. However, there are those who may be feeling anything but lovey-dovey as they battle grief that can become more painful during holidays.

It’s important to remember that it’s perfectly normal and understandable to feel grief while others seem cheerful. Still, there are several ways to work through grief and honor your loved one on special days, especially Valentine’s Day. You may even find peace, healing, and positivity through these acts of remembrance.

If you or your family is facing grief this Valentine’s Day, try these 6 activities to honor your loved one and bring healing to your heart.

1. Write a Personal Valentine’s Day Card

Woman hand writing on paper in office.

Most can trace their earliest Valentine’s Day memories to exchanging valentines with friends at school. It felt great to go home with little cards (and candy!) saying how much those friends cared. Capture that feeling again and use it to remember your loved one.

Have each member of your family write a personalized and meaningful valentine to your loved one. Sharing, remembering, and getting your thoughts onto paper can help with your grief journey and may even help remove any emotional buildup you may be feeling. It can also help you better understand what your loved one meant to you.

Feel free to share these thoughts with the rest of your family or keep them to yourself – whatever brings you the most healing.

2. Enjoy a Chocolate Treat

Girl with mother preparing cake in kitchen.

Chocolate and Valentine’s Day go together like turkey and Thanksgiving, Santa Clause and Christmas, and fireworks on the Fourth of July. So, use chocolate to remember your loved one on Valentine’s Day. Plus, you can get your whole family involved!

As a family, grab an apron and a cooking utensil to get started on your loved one’s favorite chocolate dessert. Spending time and working together can help bring you all closer, especially if you begin sharing stories of your loved one. If your loved one wasn’t a fan of chocolate, try whipping up their favorite cherry or strawberry dish. Both are common Valentine’s Day foods, so you can still keep the connection between your loved one and the holiday.

Whether you choose chocolate, cherry, strawberry, or something else, be sure to share your dish with others! Watching your neighbors, coworkers, or other family members enjoy this tasty treat can bring joy to you and your family, knowing others are being positively impacted by your loved one’s memory.

3. Deliver Flowers to Their Grave

White grave markers and flowers at a national cemetery.

You may have already participated in this act of remembrance, but what better opportunity to place a beautiful bouquet at your loved one’s final resting place? This is an excellent chance to find great flowers that will honor your loved one. Red roses would best show that you’re thinking of them on Valentine’s Day, but there are other colors and flowers you can choose.

Each rose color has a symbolic meaning: red for passionate love, pink for friendship, and others. If you want to choose a different flower, there are several other options, each with their own meaning. No matter what you decide, taking flowers to your loved one’s grave on Valentine’s Day is a simple way to feel close to them on what can be a hard day.

Each rose color has a symbolic meaning: red for passionate love, pink for friendship, and others. Even the choice of flower has a meaning, with calla lilies signifying marriage, peonies with healing, among other options. No matter what you decide, visiting your loved one with your family and flowers is a simple way to feel close to them on what can be a hard day.

4. Watch a Movie Together

A glass bowl of popcorn and remote control in the background the TV works. Evening cozy watching a movie or TV series at home.

Bringing the family together for a movie is a great way to take a break from the rest of the world. In celebration of your loved one on Valentine’s Day, try watching their favorite romantic movie. Or if your loved one enjoyed laughing, you can find, stream, or rent their favorite romantic comedy. Sometimes laughing is the best way to overcome difficult moments of grief and pain.

Whichever movie was your loved one’s favorite – and it’s perfectly fine to watch a non-romantic movie on Valentine’s Day – you can recall their love for the film. Perhaps they really enjoyed a part of the dialogue or found joy in the soundtrack. Whatever their reason, you’ll feel connected through memory.

5. Take Some Time For Yourself

Girl on mountain peak with green grass looking at beautiful mountain valley in fog at sunset in summer.

Sometimes, the best way to honor your loved one’s life is by taking care of your own. When you’re struggling with grief, self-care is an important part of the healing process, so take time to do something that brings you joy this Valentine’s Day.

If you enjoy being outside, go on a bike ride, hike, or run. If you prefer to be pampered, book an appointment at your favorite spa for a message, manicure, or pedicure. Maybe it’s time to treat yourself with a special gift you’ve been eyeing. Or perhaps you’ve got anger, anxiety, or negative feelings around your grief. Visiting a Rage Room may be just what you need, because sometimes, it does help to just break something. Whatever will bring you happiness and peace, do it.

While this idea is focused on things you can do on your own, feel free to bring your family along. They may benefit from these activities. However, you are well within your right to have some alone time as you grieve. It’s all about listening to yourself and taking care of your needs.

6. Spend Time with Each Other

Happy family with two daughters playing at home. Family sitting on floor and playing together.

No matter what you decide to do with your family on Valentine’s Day, remember that being together is the most important thing. Being involved and supportive of each other can lighten the burden of grief and make holidays a little more enjoyable. Grief is a daily struggle and finding healing past the pain becomes easier when you’re around those you love. Try to avoid isolating yourself while grieving, because your family needs you as much as you need them on the path to healing.

Nov 23
Love0
Beautiful spread of ingredients to bake a cake

Gravestone Recipes: Adding a Sweet Touch to a Memorial Marker

By Cemeteries, Explore Options, Memorial, Planning Tools

When planning a loved one’s funeral or memorial services, personalization is key to creating an event that is both healing and meaningful. The same is true when you’re considering what to include on a memorial marker (e.g., headstone, grave marker, etc.). But thankfully, there are a lot of ways to personalize a memorial marker, and one of them is bringing joy to people! What is it? Gravestone recipes!

What are Gravestone Recipes?

Memorial markers generally include the name, birth date, and death date of the person who has died. Often, the memorial marker also includes an inscription, like a sweet sentiment or kind phrase. However, some families have taken to personalizing the inscription in a new way – adding the recipe for that person’s most well-known dish.

Let’s look at a few examples!

Mom and adult daughter making cookies in the kitchen together, daughter learning from mother

Naomi’s Spritz Cookies

At a cemetery in Brooklyn, NY, Naomi Miller-Dawson’s memorial marker bears the recipe for her spritz cookies. While the memorial marker includes the ingredient list and no instructions, you can use the traditional method for spritz cookies to give you a good start on how to bake the cookies.

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup butter or margarine⁠
  • 3/4 cup sugar⁠
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla⁠
  • 1 egg⁠
  • 2 1/4 cups flour⁠
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking powder⁠
  • 1/8 teaspoon salt

Kay’s Fudge

Before her death, Kay Andrews of Logan, UT, requested that her memorial marker include her go-to fudge recipe. A woman of encouragement, she often took fudge to friends and family as a gift of love and support. Thankfully, Kay’s family honored her request, and now, we all get to enjoy Kay’s fudge and remember her for her kindness.

Ingredients:

  • 2 squares chocolate
  • 2 tablespoons butter
  • 1 cup milk
  • 3 cups white granulated sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • Pinch of salt

Directions:

  1. Melt chocolate squares with butter on low heat.
  2. Stir in milk until incorporated and bubbling.
  3. Sift in sugar and salt.
  4. Add vanilla and stir.
  5. Continue stirring overheat until the mixture reaches 273 degrees F.
  6. Remove from heat and pour onto a marble slab.
  7. Chill for 3 hours or overnight.
  8. Cut and serve.

Mother and young daughter baking together, making memories

Mom’s Christmas Cookies

In Cascade, IA, a sweet remembrance marks the final resting place of Maxine Menster. When her husband and daughter wanted to add something special to Maxine’s memorial marker, they both thought of her cookies. Handed down through generations of family, Maxine made them every Christmas, leaving her home filled with the smell of freshly baked cookies and her family with precious memories.

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup sugar
  • ½ cup oleo (margarine)
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 3 cups flour
  • 3 teaspoons baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup cream

Directions:

  1. Cream the sugar and oleo.
  2. Add two beaten eggs and vanilla to the mixture.
  3. Mix flour, baking powder, and salt into separate bowl.
  4. Add dry ingredients to wet ingredient alternately with 1 cup cream.
  5. Chill and roll out with flour.
  6. Bake 350 degrees oven and frost.

Father and adult daughter making homemade bread together

Connie’s Date & Nut Bread

For registered nurse Constance Galberd, date & nut bread must have been an important part of saying she cared. Mother of three, Connie died in 2008 and was buried in Highland Mills, NY. While it might have seemed a small remembrance, who can really say how many people have been blessed by her date & nut bread long after her passing? It’s a personalization that keeps bringing joy even today!

Ingredients:

  • 8 ounces dates, cut into small pieces
  • 1 cup raisins
  • 2 cups boiling water
  • 2 teaspoons baking soda
  • 1 1/2 cups sugar
  • 2 eggs, well beaten
  • 4 cups flour
  • 2 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 cup chopped nuts

Directions:

  1. Pour boiling water (where 2 teaspoons of baking soda have been dissolved) over dates and raisins. Cool.
  2. Add 1 1/2 cups sugar and mix well.
  3. Add 2 eggs, well beaten.
  4. Gradually mix in 4 cups of flour and 2 teaspoons of baking powder. Beat thoroughly.
  5. Add 1/2 cup of chopped nuts. Beat thoroughly.
  6. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes to one hour.
  7. Bake in tin cans (one batch = 13 cans)*

*During the Great Depression (1929-1939), families often baked with tin cans. You can make this recipe using a regular loaf pan.

Father and young daughter baking together, holding a heart made of dough in their hands

What a Sweet Personalization

In so many ways, food is an integral part of many of our core memories. Grandma’s special cake. Dad’s famous BBQ. The family-famous trimmings that only come out at Thanksgiving or Christmas. We all have these special foods in our lives, and a lot of times, they are associated with a special person.

If you are looking for a sweet way to personalize the memorial marker of someone who loved spending time in the kitchen, a gravestone recipe inscription might be a good fit. That way, you and so many others can celebrate and appreciate your loved one’s life for years to come.

If you’d like more inspiration for personalizing a memorial marker, go 6 Ways to Personalize a Memorial Marker for ideas!

Nov 21
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Anatomy of a Man by Leonardo da Vinci who studied the body in Middle Ages Europe

The Strange & Unusual History of Embalming

By History of Funerals

It’s always fascinating to delve into the history of a particular practice, event, or even where certain phrases and idioms originated. The same is true of embalming, where you definitely find the strange and unusual lurking amidst the intriguing. Let’s take a look!

Ancient Origins

Perhaps the most famous ancient example of embalming comes from Egypt. With so many artifacts and written records, historians have a strong understanding of the role of embalming in the ancient civilization’s funeral rituals. Closely tied to beliefs about the afterlife, embalming was a must for just about everyone, though we really only hear about it in relation to royalty and the wealthy.

Ancient Egyptian tomb and sarcophagus

However, preservation of the dead also occurred in other areas of the ancient world. Ethiopia, Peru, China, Tibet, and the Canary Islands all practiced various forms of mummification. The Persians and Babylonians, among others, preserved the body by immersing it in honey or wax. Each culture had different reasons for embracing embalming, but for many, it related to cultural or religious beliefs.

Scientific Advancements in Europe

While many civilizations practiced embalming around the world, many of the significant scientific advances that affected modern embalming occurred in Europe. Let’s look at a few key breakthroughs.

With its largely Christian population, embalming in Europe wasn’t practiced for religious reasons. In fact, it was mainly attempted for scientific and medical research. More people were interested in understanding the body’s anatomy and how it functioned, so early scientists worked to perfect embalming as a means of preserving the body for study.

Anatomy of a Man by Leonardo da Vinci who studied the body in Middle Ages Europe

There were varying degrees of success. Eventually, through the independent work of Frederick Ruysch, William Harvey, Jean Gannal, and William Hunter, scientists discovered a successful way to adopt arterial injection as a means of preservation. This practice continues to this day.

In the early days, arsenic was used as a preservation agent. However, in 1859, Russian chemist Alexander Butlerov first synthesized formaldehyde, which eventually replaced arsenic as the main preservation chemical.

Embalming’s Role in the End of the Body Snatching Era

A strange moment in embalming’s history relates to the body snatching era, commonly associated with the UK because of two infamous body snatchers, William Burke and William Hare. In the 18th and 19th centuries, there was a shortage of legally acquired bodies to dissect and study. At the time, anatomists could only use the bodies of convicted criminals for study, and without proper preservation, the bodies became unusable after a short period of time. Thus, the body snatching era was born!

Because there weren’t enough legal bodies to supply all of the doctors and medical schools working on understanding anatomy, a black market opportunity arose. “Resurrectionists” or “body snatchers” began to steal newly buried bodies and sell them. It was a lucrative business, though it caused much pain and suffering for surviving family members. To combat against body snatching, some families even hired guards or installed metal crates or gates to protect the grave of a loved one. To learn more about Victorian funeral customs, click here.

At the time, a dead body was not considered anyone’s “property,” which is why its removal was often only a misdemeanor. However, dissecting an illegally acquired corpse came with heavier consequences. This meant that both the body snatchers and the medical professionals would face consequences if discovered.

Image of London's Old Ben in an aged yellow color

Where does embalming fit in?

Well, two things occurred to end the reign of body snatching.

First, the Anatomy Act of 1832 allowed for the legal donation of unclaimed bodies as well as donating your own body to medical research. This meant that hospitals and medical schools had better access to subjects. Additionally, doctors and anatomy teachers were required to obtain a license that allowed them to dissect donated cadavers.

Second, in the 1880s, embalming was introduced as a method for preserving bodies for medical research. This had a huge impact because it meant that a cadaver could be studied for months rather than mere days. Together, these two changes effectively ended the body snatching era.

The Rise of Embalming in the United States

While embalming for medical study did exist, it wasn’t until Abraham Lincoln’s death that it became a widely accepted practice for funerals. Following his assassination, Abraham Lincoln’s body was embalmed, and he laid in state in several key cities before journeying to his final resting place. During this period, he was viewed by thousands of citizens who remarked on his lifelike appearance. For many, it was the first time they’d seen an embalmed body, and not long after, the practice gained popularity.

Even before Lincoln’s death, embalming was used during the American Civil War. Many soldiers on both sides of the conflict died far from home. For those who could afford it, embalming provided a way to bring a loved one’s body home in decent shape for burial. It wasn’t widely used – estimates state that only about 40,000 soldiers were embalmed out of the 600,000+ who died.

close-up of Abraham Lincoln's sculpture at Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.

With embalming’s sudden popularity, laws were enacted to ensure that only properly licensed embalmers could offer their services. Additionally, because embalming was regulated, families who wanted to use embalming could not do it themselves. Now, funeral professionals were needed to complete embalming, and thus, the role of the funeral professional changed drastically.

Embalming Today

Perhaps the most impactful result of embalming was the birth of the funeral industry as we know it. At first, surgeons completed the embalming process. However, when embalming grew in prominence, the need for skilled workers grew, creating new professional jobs like embalmers, funeral directors, morticians, and more. Many family-owned funeral homes got their start as furniture makers, having built coffins for the community, and when funerals changed, they changed with it.

As for embalming itself, the technique has not changed much since the 1860s. However, the type of preservative fluid used has changed over time. In the 1860s, arsenic was used in embalming fluid. It was eventually replaced with formaldehyde (still the most common today). In addition to formaldehyde, some funeral homes now offer green embalming, which involves using an embalming fluid made from non-toxic chemicals and essential oils.

"Did You Know" image

Interesting History Facts

Before you go, here are some interesting facts about embalming and its unusual history. Fact is often stranger than fiction, right?

  • Before modern embalming, various preservatives were used to minimize decomposition. For example, some would pickle the body in vinegar, wine, brandy, or other strong spirits. Honey, wax, and spices were also utilized.
  • Originating with the Egyptians around 2600 BCE, embalming is considered “one of humankind’s longest practiced arts.”
  • Over a 3,000-year period, it is estimated that Egypt mummified at least 70 million bodies.
  • Leonardo da Vinci produced hundreds of anatomical plates. More than likely, he used some form of arterial injection to preserve his subjects. His notes indicate that he tried embalming fluid recipes that included camphor, turpentine, lavender oil, vermilion, rosin, wine, potassium nitrate, and sodium nitrate.
  • Body snatching occurred in the United States, with Baltimore serving as a kind of center for the activity.
  • Until the 20th century, arsenic was used in embalming fluid. It was later replaced after the discovery of formaldehyde.
  • Abraham Lincoln was the first president to be embalmed.
  • Thomas Holmes is considered the father of modern-day embalming. After Abraham Lincoln’s close friend, Colonel Elmer Ellsworth, was killed in Virginia, Dr. Holmes embalmed his body at the president’s request. Holmes would later go on to embalm both Lincoln’s 12-year-old son Willie and the president himself.
Nov 14
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family watching a Christmas movie together with lights

What Christmas Movies Teach Us About Grief

By Christmas, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

The holidays are always a hectic time, but when you’re grieving, they can be even more difficult because you feel your loved one’s absence more strongly. While you may not feel up to participating in your normal holiday traditions, it’s important to find ways to balance your feelings of grief with the joy of the season.

One way to balance joy and grief is by taking time to understand what you’re feeling and why. Learning how grief affects you personally and discovering positive coping mechanisms will help you begin to incorporate your loss into your life story. You may not realize it, but classic Christmas movies can teach us valuable lessons about grief and how it can affect you and those you love. Let’s talk about three of those movies!

bridge covered in snow with soft daylight

It’s a Wonderful Life

In the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life, we get a glimpse into the life of George Bailey and see what the world would have looked like if he hadn’t been born. Through the story, we see how many people he influenced and how many lives he changed. As Clarence points out to him, “Each man’s life touches so many other lives. And when he isn’t around, he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?”

The importance of remembrance

If someone you love has died, you are probably very aware of the hole they left behind. Sometimes their absence might seem almost tangible. That’s one of the reasons why grief is so powerful – the person you lost was an integral part of your life, and your brain doesn’t know how to process the loss. That person impacted your life, and for that reason alone, their life is worth remembering.

While George Bailey’s life may have seemed insignificant to him, he had a positive impact on the world, and he eventually realizes his story is important. In the same way, each person’s story is important and worth remembering. One way to honor a loved one’s memory is by participating in different remembrance activities, like attending a remembrance service or creating a memory capsule.

Community and support

The movie also shows how important community and support are during difficult times. You might feel grief more strongly during the holidays, and you may feel lonely when you think of your loved one’s absence. That’s why it’s important to rely on the community around you. George Bailey tries to persevere on his own, carrying all the burdens of life on his own shoulders, and it breaks him down. At the end of the movie, though, George’s family and friends gather around him, supporting him and standing by him through thick and thin.

Just as George’s community supported him through his struggles, your community can help you through your struggles. Grief can be difficult, and you need people around you to help you along the journey. If you don’t feel like you have anyone you can rely on, you can look for a grief support group in your area. No matter what, having support in your grief journey will make the path easier to travel.

carving a christmas turkey with family

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

It’s hard to believe that the animated classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas first released in 1966! Generations of children have watched the Grinch’s plot to steal Christmas and his later redemption as he learns about the true reason for Christmas. Surprisingly, this movie has a lot to teach about grieving during the holidays.

Reach out to the grieving

While a grieving person’s heart isn’t “two sizes too small,” their heart is likely hurting at the holidays. Sometimes that pain makes someone who is grieving withdraw from those around them or act differently, just like the Grinch. When someone is hurting, they often erect walls between themselves and others.

If you know someone who is grieving, take the time to reach out to them during the holidays. By showing them kindness, you can help their heart heal. If the grieving person resists your efforts, that’s okay. Continue to be kind; they will still appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Open up to your loved ones

If you personally are grieving this holiday season, it’s important to know that spending time with family or friends can help you begin to heal. As we see when the Grinch realizes the true meaning of the holiday and joins the Whos for their Christmas dinner, ritual, tradition, and fellowship can help soothe your aching heart. Participating in traditions and rituals help people grieve together and can help you find meaning in the loss you’ve experienced.

If your relationship with your loved ones has been strained, it may be hard at first to reach out to them. However, asking for help and realizing your limits are important steps in your grief journey. While it may be tempting to stay in your comfort zone, opening yourself up to relationships and sharing with others how you feel is an important part of the grieving journey.

Christmas photos and memories

A Christmas Carol

When you’ve lost a loved one, it can be difficult to feel joyful during the holidays. Maybe, like Ebenezer Scrooge, you’ve found yourself avoiding personal connections with others, withdrawing into yourself and refusing to open up. In a way, the classic Christmas movie A Christmas Carol is a tale of a man who has been hurt in the past and has erected walls to protect himself.

Reflect on Christmas past, present, and future

As both the book and its many movie adaptations show, isolation only leads to loneliness. Scrooge resists the kindness and Christmas spirit of his nephew Fred and his employee Bob Cratchitt. That attitude leads to him eating alone in his house, all his scrimping and saving leaving him alone and miserable in a dark, gloomy room. It’s only when he’s visited by the ghost of Jacob Marley and the different spirits of Christmas that he finally learns what life is all about and opens up to his friends and family.

While Scrooge is terrified by the spirits who remind him of the true nature of life and Christmas, you don’t have to go through that. Instead, take stock of how you feel and reflect on the best ways to help yourself grieve this holiday season. If you’ve lost sight of the joy of the season, these moments of reflection can help you rediscover the meaning and purpose of the holidays.

Christmas Past

Try thinking about your own “Christmas Past.” If you have pleasant memories of Christmases past, examine why they are so memorable to you. What made those times special? Was it the presents, or was it the time spent with family or friends? By contemplating those Christmas memories, you can learn what you value most and remember why you celebrate the holidays. As you rediscover what makes the holidays meaningful, you can find a way to embrace both joy and grief.

Christmas Future

However, not everyone has positive Christmas memories. If your holiday memories are more painful, you might find it helpful to ponder “Christmas Future.” What do you want for your holidays in the future? Isolation will lead to more lonely Christmases, so consider ways you can reach out to family, friends, or support groups in your area.

Christmas Present

Even more importantly, think about now – “Christmas Present.” There are things you can do this Christmas – or any day – to make progress on your grief journey. That could mean creating fellowship with people around you, taking time to pursue something you’re passionate about, or serving others in your community. By opening yourself up and finding ways to engage with your grief, you can continue to heal in a healthy way. While you may not be dancing around town like Scrooge, you can still find joy while you’re grieving.

Perhaps the lessons in these three classic tales resonated with you and gave you a new perspective on your grief this Christmas season. Throughout the holidays, keep in mind that grief takes time. It’s okay if you aren’t feeling 100 percent or if you need to bow out of a few engagements. You’ll need to give yourself grace while you’re grieving. But remember – you need joy to balance out your grief as you learn how to live life again and find your new normal.

Nov 03
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Woman choosing a color from a color wheel

Using Color to Personalize a Service

By Meaningful Funerals, Personalization, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

Creating a personalized funeral or memorial service is the first step toward finding the healing and reconciliation you need after a loss. Why? Because if the service details truly reflect the hobbies, interests, personality, and quirks of the person who has died, then it feels like a true tribute – something with meaning, purpose, and poignancy. Using color can be a simple way to uniquely personalize a service – let’s look at a few examples.

4 Simple Ways to Use Color to Personalize a Service

While the color black has traditionally been associated with mourning in the western world, it’s not a hard and fast rule. In fact, in other areas of the world, white, red, purple, gray, and even gold are considered colors of mourning. With the increase in personalized services, it’s become much more accepted to use different colors, especially if that color has special significance.

Beautiful pink tulips

1. Select Specific Flowers

If you are decorating with flowers or accepting flowers as sympathy gifts, you could request a specific color. To be the most meaningful, select a color that is special in some way – either to you or to the one who has died. Or, if the deceased person loved pumpkins, succulents, or even tiny cactus plants, you could encourage well-wishers to give those, instead. Imagine how sweet it would look and feel to see a loved one’s service filled with the color that brought them so much joy in life.

Decorating with seashells and the color ivory

2. Decorate with Intentionality

Another option for using color to personalize is by choosing your decorations intentionally. If you choose to focus on a specific color, you can use it in a multitude of places. For example, you could display photo frames in that color. At the gathering or visitation, use tablecloths or centerpieces in that color. Place themed decorations on memorial tables. Provide a keepsake to mourners that showcases the theme color. The options are endless. Think on what the person loved and use that information to create something one-of-a-kind.

Four men wearing matching polka dot socks

3. Request that Mourners Wear a Certain Color

Perhaps one of the easiest ways to incorporate color into a service is to ask mourners to wear it. This way, when people attend the service, there’s a sea of pink, green, orange in honor of your loved one. If you’d rather focus on a theme than a color, you can. For instance, you could ask that mourners wear a certain team’s jersey, Star Wars gear, something with unicorns, or whatever is most appropriate. You can include the color/theme when you announce service details, whether that’s through the funeral home or a personal announcement on social media.

Bright green casket

4. Customize the Urn or Casket

Urns today come in many shapes, sizes, and hues. If you plan to have a memorial service after cremation, you can select an urn of a specific color. Simply speak with your trusted funeral home or go online to review your urn options.

As for caskets, there are a few different personalization options. First, you could request a certain color for the casket lining and pillow top. Second, you could customize the casket itself. Rather than selecting one of the standard colors or wood types, you could commission a casket of any color. Third, you can ask that the interior or cap panel (the rectangle of space just above the deceased when the casket is open) be customized. You could select a specific hue, or alternatively, some funeral homes can place a photo in this space.

If any of these options appeal to you, contact your trusted funeral home. They will help you get the answers you need.

What If I Don’t Know What Color to Choose?

If a color doesn’t immediately come to mind, that’s okay. You can either personalize the service in other ways, or you could even choose a color based on its meaning.

Woman choosing a color from a color wheel

  • Red – Energy, passion, strength, love, sincerity
  • Pink – Love and romance, caring, tenderness, acceptance
  • Beige – Calm and simplicity
  • Ivory – Quietness and pleasantness
  • Yellow – Joy, happiness, imagination, hope, friendship
  • Blue – Peace, tranquility, trust, harmony, loyalty
  • Purple – Spirituality, transformation, wisdom, honor
  • Lavender – Femininity, grace, elegance
  • Orange – Enthusiasm, warmth, vibrancy
  • Green – Renewal, generosity, service
  • Brown – Stability, hearth & home, comfort, reliability
  • Gray – Security, intelligence, dignity, modesty
  • White – Purity, peace, innocence, goodness

Ultimately, color is just one option for creating a meaningful service. Whether you are planning ahead for your own funeral wishes or are planning a loved one’s services, you have options. If you have a specific idea of what you’d like to do or you need a little help, your local funeral home can help. They can brainstorm with you, offer ideas and solutions, and help you create a tribute that feels right and good.

If you’d like to learn about other ways you can customize a service to create something truly unique, go to Practical Ways to Personalize the 7 Elements of a Funeral for inspiration.

Oct 20
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mother holding son looking at Christmas lights

Holiday Remembrance Activities for Grieving Parents

By Christmas, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

If you have lost a child, you are probably very aware of the pain the holidays can bring. It might seem impossible to connect with the joy of the season when all you feel is grief. Whether your child died recently or many years ago, the holidays can make your grief feel fresh, and you may feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. But amid the hustle and bustle, taking time to honor and remember your child’s life by participating in remembrance activities can help you through the ups and downs of the season.

While cutting back on holiday stress will be beneficial, finding ways to honor your child’s memory can help you heal. Participating in healing actions can encourage you to express your feelings and acknowledge your emotions as a natural part of grieving. Even more importantly, remembrance activities can help you reconcile with the loss and continue your grief journey.

While you can do whatever makes the most sense for you, here are 6 remembrance ideas to get you started:

Christmas stockings hanging from a mantle

Put up a stocking

Putting up a stocking with your child’s name on it can be a great way to honor their memory during the holidays. In addition to using the stocking as a visual reminder, you can also put different items in the stocking. For example, you and your family members could write letters to your child and place them in the stocking. You could also put toys in the stocking that you can later donate to charity, honoring your child by caring for other children.

mother holding son looking at Christmas lights

Share happy memories

When a child dies, it’s easy to focus on the time you’ve lost with them. While sadness is a vital part of the grieving process, sharing happy memories with your family members can help you treasure the time you had with your child. In return, your family members may also share their memories, giving you the chance to learn new stories about your child. When you share stories and memories, your appreciation for the times you had with your child will grow.

woman making a Christmas wreath

Make holiday decorations

If you like DIY crafts, making holiday decorations can be a way to remember your child each year. You could make an ornament with their name or photo on it or decorate with your child’s favorite color. Maybe you could create a personalized wreath, incorporating your child’s favorite flowers or holiday-related items. Throughout the creative process, you (and anyone else you invite to join you) can engage with your grief in an uplifting and healthy way. After you’ve finished, you’ll have something tangible to bring out every year to honor your child’s memory and make them part of your holiday season.

cozy chair next to table with coffee and Christmas decorations

Create a grief corner

When someone you love has died, you or your family members may need time alone. One way to encourage that is by creating a grief corner in your house. A grief corner is a specific spot where any family member can go to sit by themselves to grieve. This could be something simple, like a chair with a cozy blanket, or you could set up a photo of your lost child with some of their favorite toys. If you have other children, a grief corner could help them learn to recognize their feelings and take time alone when they need to.

toys and socks in a cardboard donation box

Give to a charity in their name

Giving time, money, or items to a charity in your child’s name can be a great way to honor their memory. Maybe your child had a specific cause they were concerned with, and you can support that cause. If your child died from a specific disease, you could also donate to support research about that disease to help families like yours. Or, if you lost your child during pregnancy or shortly after birth, you could create a gift basket to donate to a family in the NICU.

You could also consider things your child was passionate about. What was their favorite sport or activity? You could volunteer to teach other children about that activity. Did they have a favorite animal? You could sponsor a wildlife rescue or spend time volunteering at your local shelter. Whatever you choose, giving to something your child cared about will help you honor them in a meaningful way.

person icing snowflake and gingerbread man cookies

Create a new tradition

After a child dies, old traditions may be painful or feel difficult to enjoy. While participating in old traditions might bring up happy memories of your child, you could also start a new tradition in their honor. This could be anything from trying a new holiday recipe to volunteering at a local soup kitchen. If you have other children, creating a new tradition can be a way for them to remember their sibling. These traditions can become lasting remembrance activities you can engage in for years to come.

woman baking with two children

Remember – Include Your Living Children

As a parent, there will be times when you want to grieve on your own and work through your emotions in a private space. That’s perfectly normal and healthy. However, in your own grief, don’t forget that any other children in the home are also grieving.

Children and teenagers may have trouble processing their grief, so you may need to help them along their journey. Look for ways to discuss what they may be feeling. Invite them to participate in some of these remembrance activities with you. Let them see you cry and share memories, so they know it’s safe to do the same. Throughout the process, you will grow closer as a family and find a way to move forward.

It goes without saying that your holiday will look different after losing a child, but engaging in remembrance activities can be a beautiful way to grieve and mourn.

No matter what, don’t forget to take time to grieve and be gentle with yourself. You don’t have to put on a happy face just because it’s Christmas. You are a human being with complex emotions. You’re going to have good moments and bad moments – that’s okay. When good moments come, embrace them. When grief comes, engage with it. By doing so, you can balance the grief you feel with the joy of the season.

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