christy.kessler, Author at Funeral Basics

Nov 01

7 Ways to Decrease Thanksgiving Stress When You’re Grieving

By christy.kessler Exclude from Top Posts, Grief/Loss, Seasonal, Thanksgiving

Grief can be exhausting – mentally, physically, and emotionally. And holidays like Thanksgiving bring their share of stresses, especially during times of grief when it’s a battle to do the normal everyday tasks. So, what can you do this Thanksgiving to decrease your stress while you’re in a season of grief?

Before we move into 7 ways to decrease your stress, remember that whatever you’re feeling is normal. You’ve lost someone you love, and it’s hard. You may feel a wide range of emotions, including sadness, shock, denial, guilt, anger, or even relief. All you need to focus on is taking care of yourself this Thanksgiving so that you have the energy you need to process what you’re feeling and move toward healing.

7 Ways to Decrease Thanksgiving Stress

Your feelings may tell you to skip Thanksgiving altogether, but before you make any big decisions, take some time to evaluate what changes you can make to reduce your stress while also participating in group or family activities.

Here are a few tips for reducing your Thanksgiving stress:

1. Simplify the Day

Store-bought pumpkin pie with a slice missing

You may normally go big with your Thanksgiving meal and decorations, but this year, give yourself permission to take it easy. With a few adjustments, you can take a task or event from stressful to simple. For example, you could do a potluck so that the cooking is spread out amongst the group. Or you could order a ready-made dinner with all the trimmings from a local restaurant. You could also minimize the home or table decorations and opt for store-bought desserts this year. With just a few small tweaks, you can greatly decrease your to-do list and your stress.

2. Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”

Grandmother and granddaughter in the kitchen; grandmother holding platter with turkey and smiling as granddaughter kisses her cheek

Thanksgiving and the fall season come with many possible events, get-togethers, recitals, concerts, family gatherings, and more. You may not have the energy to go to everything, and that’s okay. Choose the most important events and pass on the rest.

As you prioritize events, make sure to talk to your family about your plans so they know when to expect you and when not to. This way, they can let you know what’s important for them – maybe a child’s recital – and you can plan ahead for the events you will attend. Plus, communicating your plans to family and taking their requests into account will help soothe any ruffled feathers and keep things relaxed.

3. Let Others Help You

Person in yellow coat raking fall leaves

If you’re like many of us, you learned early that it’s good to be independent and self-reliant. And while these two things are not inherently bad, we can sometimes take them a little too far, refusing help when we actually need it. So, this Thanksgiving, don’t be afraid to accept a little help. Let people support you through this time of grief. Accept casseroles, offers to do yardwork or run errands, and assistance with household chores. It will only make things less stressful and easier for you.

4. Take Time Out for Yourself

Woman in yellow sweater holding mug of pumpkin spice latte

Grief takes a toll on us, and it’s important to find ways to take care of ourselves. That means getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, pampering yourself every so often, and not overdoing it. At Thanksgiving, self-care may be splurging on your current pumpkin spice obsession, going for walks in the cool air, or simply spending quiet time alone to journal, meditate, listen to music, or cuddle with your pet. No matter what it is that helps you relax and feel cared for, take time to do that this Thanksgiving.

5. Share What’s On Your Mind

Two mature ladies walking outside and talking in the fall

You may be tempted to push down your feelings and power through Thanksgiving week, but try to resist the temptation. Instead, build in opportunities for reflection and make time to express yourself. This could mean painting, talking with friends or family, or attending a grief support group or a remembrance service. There will be times when your grief shows up unexpectedly, and that’s okay. People will understand if you’re teary. But by intentionally taking time to address your emotions, you can better process what you’re feeling in your own time and on your own terms.

6. Find Meaningful Ways to Honor Your Loved One

Simple place setting for a Thanksgiving table

This Thanksgiving, you’re missing someone special. Rather than ignoring their absence, consider finding a special way to honor their memory. Avoiding the elephant in the room – your grief and loss – may lead to feelings of stress. By openly honoring a loved one, you will have the freedom to include your loved one’s memory in the festivities without reservation.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Save a seat for them at the table
Create a remembrance item
Serve their favorite dish
Pull out the family photos and reminisce
Visit the graveside and leave a bouquet or memento
Continue one of their favorite traditions or incorporate a new one in their honor

While remembering your loved one may bring moments of sadness, there will be joy in finding ways to make them a special part of the day.

7. Allow Things to Be Different This Year

If you’re someone who wants everything just-so, one big way to reduce your Thanksgiving stress is to let things be different this year. Let go of the need for a perfectly decorated dining table, perfectly curated activities, or the perfectly prepared meal. Give yourself a little grace and some room to breathe. Thanksgiving is different this year; it’s harder. Do what you can to keep things simple.

Simple Thanksgiving meal of biscuits, green beans, and turkey with cranberry sauce

Now, it’s important to acknowledge that no two people are alike. Some of these suggestions will resonate with you and some won’t. That’s just fine. If having the perfectly trimmed Thanksgiving dinner helps you relax, then go all out. If baking those 15 pies provides a release of tension, do it. You know yourself best, so implement the ideas that work best for who you are.

Just remember – it’s okay to let yourself feel however you feel this Thanksgiving. You don’t have to force yourself to be cheerful, and you don’t have to stop yourself from feeling happy if you enjoy the day. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love or miss the person who is gone; it means that you are human. We are complex beings, and our lives are filled with moments of joy mixed with moments of grief, sometimes both at once! Take time on Thanksgiving to step back, take care of yourself, and enjoy time with the people you love the most. If you do, you will create sweet memories to cherish in the years to come.

Oct 27

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Musical notes made out of pink flowers on black background

10 Songs to Honor Mom at a Funeral Service

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Personalization, Planning Tools

Colorful flowers acting like musical notes on vines that are lines of music

For many people, a mom is so much more than just another family member. She’s a pillar of strength, love, kindness, and acceptance. She offers wise counsel and a compassionate, listening ear. She is present and supportive. When you lose someone so important to your life, the urge to honor them in a special way is strong. If you are planning a personalized final tribute for a loving mother, consider including one of these 10 songs to honor her life and the way you feel about her.

1. Because You Loved Me (Celine Dion)

Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

While this song does imply a link to a romantic relationship, the message at its core is one of gratitude. It focuses on thanking a loved one for guidance, encouragement, and protection through the ups and downs of life. The poignant words paired with Celine Dion’s incomparable voice make the song unforgettable and a lovely way to honor mom.

2. In My Life (The Beatles)

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more

Performed by the beloved Beatles, this timeless tune explores themes of love, loss, and nostalgia. Its depth of emotion and thoughtful lyrics help the listener reflect on and appreciate the people in their lives, like a wonderful mom. If you or your mom loved the Beatles or connected to their music in an impactful way, this song may be a worthy inclusion at the funeral service.

3. Mother Like Mine (The Band Perry)

She’s the sky that holds the clouds
She’s the lady of the house
A blind believer in all I dare to be
There’s no safer place I’ve found

With its soothing cadence and deep message, this song from The Band Perry resonates with listeners from all walks of life. The lyrics explore the irreplaceable role of mothers and the power of their unconditional love. If your mom had a positive impact on your life and seemed to be the glue that kept your family together, you might consider including this country classic at her final tribute.

4. My Wish (Rascal Flatts)

But more than anything, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

This #1 hit song by Rascal Flatts was written from the perspective of a parent to a child. The lyrics express the wishes many parents have toward their children – big dreams, small worries, no regrets, and lasting love. To bring solace to mourners after the loss of a beloved maternal figure, this song may be a great comfort as you remember just how much your mom loved you and what she wanted for you.

5. You’ll Be in My Heart (Phil Collins)

‘Cause you’ll be in my heart
Yes, you’ll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

In this familiar classic, Phil Collins explores the ongoing presence of love. Even after a person has died, their legacy and their memory don’t go away. As the song states, “you’ll be in my heart from this day on, now and forevermore” and no truer words were spoken. If you are looking for a song to honor a mom who stood with you, supporting you and loving you, consider including this song at the services.

6. Mama Liked the Roses (Elvis Presley)

Oh, mama liked the roses,
But most of all she cared
About the way we learned to live

Released in Elvis Presley’s 1970 album titled “Elvis’ Christmas Album,” this song holds a special place in the hearts of many fans. With poignant words, Presley shares a look into his own feelings about his mother and the beauty of the enduring bond between a mother and her children. If your mom loved roses or was an Elvis Presley fan, then this enduring classic may be the perfect addition to a lovely tribute.

7. Heaven Was Needing a Hero (Jo Dee Messina)

I came by today to see you
Though I had to let you know
If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time
I’d have held you and never let go

Sometimes, death is expected, and sometimes, it’s not. In this heartfelt country ballad, Messina expresses the desire so many people feel – the ability to see that special person one more time. And she also dives into the emotions you may feel following a loss, especially learning how to grapple with why and how to move forward. If your mother was your hero, this soothing song could be the perfect complement to your plans for her final tribute.

8. Two of Us (Louis Tomlinson)

I know you’ll be looking down
Swear I’m gonna make you proud
I’ll be living one life for the two of us

Written following the passing of his own mother, Tomlinson shares aspects of his grief journey throughout the song. In an interview, he declared that writing the song was a therapeutic experience for him, and he hopes that even though it is sad, other people will find the song’s message comforting during their own losses. If you resonate with Tomlinson and the words he sings about his own mother, consider honoring yours with this ballad.

9. See You Again (Carrie Underwood)

I will see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
‘Til I see you again

In this uplifting country tune from Carrie Underwood, the focus is on hope and the belief that we will one day see the people we love again. While your mom may no longer be physically present, there is a time in the future when you will see her again and rejoice together at the reunion. If you share Underwood’s beliefs and want to lean into hope for the future, consider including this selection at your mom’s funeral service.

10. Supermarket Flowers (Ed Sheeran)

Oh I’m in pieces, it’s tearing me up, but I know
A heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved
So I’ll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum

In this beautiful tribute to a beloved mom and grandmother, Sheeran’s powerful lyrics and emotive voice help you feel exactly what he’s feeling. Perhaps the most stunning words of the songs are the reminder that “a heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved.” If you shared a deep and abiding love with your mother, listen to this haunting melody and consider whether it’s right for honoring your mom’s life and legacy.

Honorable Mentions

If you are a daughter seeking to honor your mom, you might consider including Celine Dion’s “Goodbye’s the Saddest Word,” Faith Hill’s “You Can’t Lose Me,” Taylor Swift’s “The Best Day (Taylor’s Version),” or Riley Roth’s “When God Made You My Mother.” For a son, both “A Song for Mama” by Boyz II Men and “Will the Circle be Unbroken” by Randy Travis are beautiful tributes. And if you grew up in a single parent household with mom as your primary support, “Thank you Mom” by Good Charlotte could be the perfect addition.

As you plan a personalized tribute for your mom, you are not limited to the songs on this list. These are merely a starting place. If there’s a song that always reminds you of your mom or that she sang regularly, include that song. The goal of personalizing the music at a funeral service is to capture the person’s unique life and personality. So, think of who your mom was and choose music accordingly.

Additional Resources

For more suggestions on songs to include at a funeral service, check out the resources below:

By decade:

Oct 23

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Flower spray resting on top of light wood casket with lit candle nearby

A Quick Guide to Cremation Caskets

By christy.kessler Cemeteries, Cremation, Educational, Explore Options

If you are interested in cremation as the final disposition of choice, you may need to choose a cremation casket or cremation container as part of your funeral plan. In many states, cremation cannot take place unless the body is placed in some sort of container, and today, we’re going to talk about the options.

Flower spray resting on top of light wood casket with lit candle nearby

Ultimately, the decision of which type of casket to use is up to you and your family, and there’s no right or wrong answer. While it can be a difficult choice, discuss the options with both your funeral director and your family to decide what’s best for your particular needs.

3 Types of Cremation Caskets & Cremation Containers

The main thing that sets cremation caskets apart from burial caskets is that any cremation casket or container must be made of a fully combustible material. This means there can be no metal parts (or very minimal ones). Let’s discuss 3 main types of cremation caskets and containers that are most commonly available.

1. Traditional Cremation Casket

If you would like to have a traditional funeral service with body present before cremation takes place, you can. In this instance, you can choose a more traditional cremation casket made from materials like wood, bamboo, or wicker. The casket will encase a loved one’s body for the funeral service or visitation, and after all services are complete, everything will be escorted to the crematory. Since there’s no metal, the casket will serve dual purposes: presentation at the service and dignity at the crematory.

2. Green or Eco-Friendly Caskets

Because green or eco-friendly caskets are made of natural materials, you can use one as a cremation casket. These types of caskets are available in bamboo, willow, seagrass, wicker, cotton or wool, teak, and other types of wood. They tend to be less expensive, depending on the material and construction you choose. Also, they are fully combustible and contain no metal.

3. Cremation Container (or Alternative Container)

Another option is to choose a cremation container (as opposed to a cremation casket). A cremation container is a simple box made of either cardboard or fiberboard. There are no embellishments or personalized elements, and the focus is on function, not presentation. If it’s important to you, some cremation containers are made to look like traditional caskets, but you will need to speak with your funeral director to determine if that option is available in your area.

4 Tips When Buying a Cremation Casket

When deciding which cremation casket or container to use, keep these 4 tips in mind:

1. What is My Budget?

Always keep your budget in mind. While cremation caskets are typically less expensive than burial caskets, they do vary in price. If you are working with a very specific budget, speak with your funeral director about the options that best fit with your financial needs.

2. Does Appearance Matter?

For some, the appearance of the caskets matters, so do a little research. If you’d like to add personalized elements, then a cremation container isn’t for you. However, with some cremation caskets, you can add special touches to create something unique.

3. Will There Be a Funeral Service?

If you plan to have a traditional service with the body present before cremation takes place, keep that in mind when selecting a cremation casket.

4. Did My Loved One Have Any Personal Preferences?

If you are planning a final tribute for a loved one, you may or may not know what their funeral preferences were. However, if your loved one preplanned, consider honoring those wishes and going with their preferred selection. If not, make the best choice possible with the information you have.

Common Questions to Consider

What are my casket options if I choose to have a traditional funeral service with cremation?

First, you can either select a cremation casket made of a natural material, such as wood or bamboo, that is presentable for the service and safe for the crematory. Or second, you can speak with your funeral director to see if the funeral home offers rental caskets.

While a rental casket looks like a traditional casket, there’s a foot panel that opens up to allow a cardboard insert to be placed into or removed from the casket exterior. The removable insert comes with its own fabric liner, which is for one-time use, and it is hidden from view once inside the casket exterior.

In this way, you can rent a casket for the ceremony and have a less expensive container for the crematory. To learn more, read “Rental Caskets: What You Need to Know.”

What is the cost of a cremation casket?

The cost will vary depending on the type of casket you select. Some materials cost more than others, but in general, cremation caskets and containers will be less expensive than burial caskets.

Do cremation caskets come with personalized design elements?

There may be a few different design options available, but in general, the appearance is more minimalist. If you’d like, you can always work with the funeral home to commission a custom cremation casket, if that’s important for your family.

What does the interior of a cremation casket look like?

Generally, the interior will be simple with a lining and basic padding. You won’t see the more ornate details that are available with burial caskets.

Does a cremation casket seal?

There are no tight sealing mechanisms on cremation caskets. The cover and hinges are sufficient for a funeral service, but they are not heavy-duty like you’d see on a burial casket. The purpose of sealing is to keep out the elements, and since a cremation casket will not be buried, there’s no need to seal it in the same way.

Do cremation caskets have handles?

Yes, they do. In some cases, the handles are removable, but it all depends on what type of cremation casket you select.

By law, do I need to purchase a cremation casket?

In all 50 states, the law does not require that a person be cremated in a casket. However, many states or crematories require that there must be some sort of container. This is where the alternative container comes into play. You can select to use the cardboard or fiberboard alternative container in place of a cremation casket, especially if you are on a tight budget. The alternative container won’t come with padding or a lined interior; it is simply a box.

If I choose direct cremation, do I need a cremation casket?

That’s up to you and your family. You do not have to select a cremation casket, but you will likely need a cremation container at the very least.

Can I have a service with a cremation container?

It’s not generally recommended to use a cremation container for a funeral service. Cardboard and fiberboard cremation containers are not intended for viewing purposes and only serve as a means of providing a loved one’s remains with a respectful journey to the crematory. If you don’t want to purchase a cremation casket for a service, you can instead opt for a rental casket.

Hopefully you now feel equipped to better understand the options that are available to you regarding cremation caskets and containers. If you still have questions or would like to discuss the options available locally, reach out to a trusted funeral home and set up a time to visit with a funeral professional. They can help you understand all of your options so you can decide what’s best for your family and your needs.

Oct 09

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10 Traditional Jewish Funeral Customs

By christy.kessler Educational, History of Funerals

Every culture and religion have their own traditions and rituals surrounding the funeral, and the Jewish faith is no different. Today, let’s discuss 10 traditional Jewish funeral customs and their purpose and significance to the millions of people who follow Judaism. However, please note that there are several different movements within Judaism, which means their customs will vary a bit. But regardless of the branch of Judaism, Jewish funeral customs follow a strong set of beliefs tied closely to the Torah.

1. Taharah (Preparation of the Body)

In accordance with Jewish custom, the deceased’s body is washed, purified, and dressed after death (but not embalmed). This ritual washing is called taharah. Traditionally, women will complete taharah for women and men for men.

After the washing is complete, the body is often dressed in a plain ceremonial shroud (called a tachrichim). In some cases, the deceased may be buried in a kittel, which is a white garment worn on High Holidays or at weddings. For men, a prayer shawl and religious skullcap (or yarmulke) are also included.

2. Shemira (Watching Over the Deceased)

As a sign of respect and kindness, the deceased is never left alone from the time of death until services are complete. This practice of watching over or guarding the deceased is called shemira, and the person guarding the deceased is called a shomer.

This responsibility can be shared and taken in shifts. Often, it’s family members, friends, or members of the synagogue who step in to serve as shomrim. During shemira, comforting psalms can be read aloud with the intention of bringing comfort to both the spirit of the departed and that of the shomer.

3. K’vurah B’karka (Ground Burial)

Traditionally, burial takes place within 24 hours of death, but in some Jewish movements, more time is allowed. However, burial does still take place as soon as possible. In many cases, the funeral is held at the graveside, though it could also occur at the funeral home or synagogue.

The service may be brief and simple, designed to honor the loved one and to allow an opportunity to offer condolences to the family. There may also be readings, eulogies, and the recitation of prayer.

If you are a non-Jew and would like to know what to expect at a Jewish burial, make sure to read “Jewish Funeral Etiquette: What to Expect as a Non-Jew.”

4. Kriah (Tearing or Rending of the Garment)

Following the death of a loved one, immediate family members will often wear a black ribbon. This ribbon is torn as an outward sign of personal pain and grief. Orthodox Jews may choose to tear their clothing (often the collar), while Reform Jews tear the black ribbon instead. The tearing most often occurs before the funeral ceremony in a private room with only immediate family members present.

The torn ribbon or garment is then worn during shiva, but not on Shabbat or Festival Days. Traditional Jews may continue to wear the torn garment through the 30 days of shloshim. (We will discuss shiva and shloshim in more detail shortly.)

5. Levayah (Accompany the Deceased)

Similar to a non-Jewish funeral procession, Jewish mourners accompany the deceased to the final resting place. This action affirms that those who love the deceased are still and forever joined together. It is also thought that the soul of the departed is comforted by the presence of their loved ones during the transition from one life to another.

Because burial is perhaps the most important part of the Jewish funeral, mourners should make every effort to participate in levayah and the graveside service.

6. Seudat Havra’ah (Meal of Condolence)

After burial, the meal of condolence typically takes place at the synagogue or the home of the bereaved. Friends, neighbors, or extended family members provide a meal that often includes lentils, hard-boiled eggs, and bread. In Judaism, these foods are associated with mourning or with life itself. Other simple and easily digestible foods may also be included in the consolation meal.

7. Shiva (Week of Mourning)

Shiva is the first seven days after the funeral – a mourning period where the deceased’s family stays at home and receives guests. Traditionally, shiva begins immediately after the burial and is a time to acknowledge any feelings of grief and sadness. Today, many families observe only one or two days of traditional shiva rather than the full seven.

During shiva, the bereaved family will recite prayers and reflect on their loss. Guests offering condolences often bring kosher meals as a gift to feed the family and their visitors.

Throughout shiva, personal grooming and physical intimacy are not allowed. Mirrors are also covered to encourage mourners to focus on the deceased and not on personal appearance. These actions symbolize the disruption that death brings and demonstrate grief through self-sacrifice.

8. Shloshim (First 30 Days of Mourning)

Directly following shiva, there is a 30-day period of mourning called shloshim. During this time, the bereaved family will go back to their normal routines, but they will continue to recite prayers and daily hymns. Some Jews may choose to wear the torn black garment or ribbon from the kriah ritual. Additionally, it’s common to refrain from haircuts, shaving, and attending social or even religious events.

Some families may choose to end shloshim with a special service where mourners speak about the deceased. Also, if there is to be a public memorial service, it often occurs after the conclusion of shloshim.

9. Yahzreit (Anniversary of the Death)

Every year, on the anniversary of the deceased’s death, the family lights a candle and leaves it to burn for 24 hours. This is an act of remembrance and helps the family on the grief journey.

It’s common practice to recite Jewish prayers or to attend synagogue services. Other families may choose to share a song, place a picture of the lost loved one nearby, recite the Mourner’s Kaddish, or visit the grave of the deceased.

10. Hakamat Ha-Matzeivah (Unveiling Ceremony)

Approximately one year after the funeral, the family gathers at the gravesite for the unveiling of the gravestone. There’s often a brief service, which may include readings and recitations, a few words about the deceased, and the unveiling itself. The presence of a rabbi is not required, but some families may choose to include one in the planning and facilitation of the ceremony.

Hopefully you now have a deeper and better understanding of the beauties of Jewish funeral traditions. Again, these customs will vary a bit depending on whether a person practices Orthodox Judaism, Reform Judaism, or one of the other movements. But overall, the heart behind the Jewish funeral tradition is to respect the deceased in every way possible and support the grieving family as they mourn the loss of someone dearly loved.

Oct 04

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Woman in mustard yellow cardigan sitting at table, signing documents

Understanding the Living Will & Why It Matters

By christy.kessler Educational, Estate Planning

When planning ahead for the future (even the far future), it’s important to make sure you cover all the bases. That means making decisions about your physical estate, digital estate, funeral plans, and medical care preferences. Today, we’ll discuss the living will and how it helps your family understand your treatment preferences in a medical emergency or life-threatening situation.

What is a Living Will?

First, let’s define the term “living will.” Sometimes confused with the “last will and testament,” the living will has a separate purpose: to communicate your preferences regarding life-prolonging medical treatment. Essentially, the living will spells out the medical treatments you would or would not want used to keep you alive. It provides direction on life-prolonging procedures, treatment for terminal conditions, and vegetative state conditions.

For example, if a person has no brain function after a serious car accident, they might not want to be kept alive with a ventilator. The living will is the document where that person would indicate they do not want a ventilator used to prolong their life under these circumstances.

You can create a living will at any age. And the living will only comes into play if you are in a life-threatening situation and are incapacitated and unable to make decisions for yourself. If you are awake and coherent, the doctors will ask you directly about your care and not consult the living will.

Why Would I Create a Living Will?

In cases where a person is unconscious or incapacitated (coma, dementia, brain damage) and is suffering from a terminal illness or life-threatening injury, doctors consult the living will. However, if there’s no living will available, all medical care questions are posed to the spouse, family members, or designated healthcare proxy.

The main reasons to have a living will are four-fold:

Make your medical preferences known to your family, loved ones, and doctors
Relieve your family from having to make difficult medical decisions on your behalf
Reduce confusion or disagreements regarding your medical care
Protect your loved ones from the emotional toll of taking on the responsibility of deciding your life or death

By creating a living will, you decide what’s best for you. In a sense, even in a dire situation, you can still control what happens to you.

What Medical Decisions Should I Address in the Living Will?

You can address whatever medications or treatments you want in the living will, but here are some things you should consider mentioning:

CPR (cardiopulmonary resuscitation)
Mechanical ventilation
Tube feeding
Dialysis
Antibiotics or antiviral medications
Palliative care or pain management
Hospice care
Organ and tissue donation
Donation of body to science
Surgical interventions
Pacemaker or ICDs
Brain damage

As you consider your options, remember that you are only recording your wishes for emergency medical situations where you are incapacitated or unable to make decisions yourself.

If you aren’t sure what the pros and cons are of each type of treatment, schedule time with your primary care physician to discuss the implications of each. Also, try not to make decisions without input from others. Include your spouse, partner, or close family members in the discussion.

How Do I Write a Living Will?

Many states provide a template you can use to record your medical care preferences, but if that isn’t an option, contact an estate planning attorney. They will be familiar with your state’s specific laws and can ensure all your bases are covered.

However, here are a few things to keep in mind as you consider writing a living will:

Think about your personal values. Would you want treatment only if a cure were possible? Do you want medical professionals to do everything they can to save your life?
Consider your family’s wishes about each type of medical treatment.
Take your religious beliefs into account. For some people, religious tenets may dictate the types of care they choose to receive.
Many states require you to sign the living will before witnesses or a notary. Talk with an estate planning attorney or familiarize yourself with your state’s requirements.
List your healthcare proxy’s name and contact information if you have one. This person makes medical decisions on your behalf, using your living will as a guide. Click here to learn more about how to set up a healthcare proxy.
Your living will must be in writing to be legally valid.
If you choose to use a living will template, make sure to download the one intended for your state.

As you consider what to include in your living will, remember that you won’t think of every possible medical emergency. Instead of trying to plan for every scenario, address what you can and trust your healthcare proxy or your family’s judgment regarding any unexpected scenarios.

What Do I Do with My Living Will Once It’s Complete?

Once your living will is signed and witnessed, it’s time to distribute it to all the pertinent people. You will want to:

Keep the original in a safe but easily accessible place.
Give a copy to your primary care physician.
Give a copy to your healthcare proxy if you have one.
Discuss your medical decisions with family if you haven’t already.
Consider carrying a wallet-sized card that indicates you have a living will and identifying your healthcare proxy by name and contact information.
Keep a copy with you when you are traveling.

How Long Does a Living Will Last?

It lasts until you cancel it. To cancel it, all you need to do is destroy all current copies. Make sure that any copies you gave to family members, doctors, or anyone else are destroyed and replaced.

Can I Change or Revoke My Living Will?

Absolutely! Once a living will is signed, it goes into effect. However, if you want to make changes or revoke it, destroy all copies of the old living will and replace them with your new, updated documentation.

It’s always a good idea to review your living will occasionally, especially if something in your life has changed. For example, have you received a new diagnosis? That might affect how you feel about certain medical treatments. Have you married or divorced? You might want to update your healthcare proxy.

A good rule of thumb is to review your living will every ten years or so. Not only might your personal circumstances have changed, but your stance on certain medical treatments may have altered.

Can My Living Will be Broken or Ignored?

Yes, it can. If you designate a healthcare proxy, that person has the authority to make medical decisions on your behalf and can go against your wishes. This is why choosing someone you trust as your healthcare proxy is important.

Also, your living will can be ignored if it is deemed invalid. For example, if you didn’t get the proper signatures or any previous living wills weren’t destroyed, your current directives may not be followed.

However, if you follow your state’s laws and choose a healthcare proxy you can trust, you should have no problems.

If I Move to Another State, Should I Update My Living Will?

The short answer – maybe. If you decide to move to another state, it would be best to consult an attorney on whether you need to create a new living will. And if you split your time between two homes in different states, ask your attorney if it would be best to have a living will in each state. They can advise you on the best way forward.

Do I Need a Doctor or a Lawyer to Review My Living Will?

Legally, you do not have to get input from a doctor or a lawyer, but it would be a good idea to do so if possible. They can offer insight from their respective fields and ensure everything is done well and correctly. All decisions are entirely in your hands, so if you disagree with your doctor, that’s fine. But sometimes, you don’t know what you don’t know, and it’s helpful to have an expert by your side.

If you have additional questions about the living will and its purpose in protecting your family and communicating your medical preferences in emergencies or life-threatening situations, contact a local estate planning attorney. They are the best source for accurate information on how to proceed with creating a living will.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary, so only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

Oct 01

Love0

3 Ways Halloween Can Trigger Grief

By christy.kessler Exclude from Top Posts, Grief/Loss

Grieving the loss of a loved one at any time of year is difficult, but holidays can be particularly difficult. While Halloween isn’t perhaps the most family-oriented holiday, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, it can still bring out complicated emotions. In many ways, Halloween can trigger grief in its own unique way. Let’s discuss 3 ways Halloween can trigger grief and what you can do to minimize the effects.

3 Ways Halloween Can Trigger Grief

Grief Trigger #1: The Imagery

While it’s usually meant in good fun, Halloween does lean heavily on dark and death-centric imagery. Tombstones, ghosts, grim reapers, the color black, witches, mummies, and the like all ground the holiday firmly in death and its cultural associations. For those who are grieving, the consistent reminders of death everywhere they go and the way the decorations often make light of the reality of death could be a grief trigger.

Grief Trigger #2: The Focus on Fear and Death

Halloween is undeniably focused on fear and death with candy and costumes mixed in. After all, many people celebrate the holiday by watching scary movies, going to haunted houses, or decorating their home with gravestones and ghouls. For those who have recently lost a loved one, fear and death are not figurative; they are real. Halloween’s focus on these two topics may only intensify feelings of grief in the bereaved and make them feel at odds with society and possibly friends or family.

Grief Trigger #3: Reminders of a Lost Loved One

Just as with any holiday, there can be aspects of Halloween that trigger memories of the person who has died. Did they love Halloween? Did you find their last costume in the closet? Were they in charge of this year’s family costume? Missing out on cherished traditions can bring grief to the surface. For the grieving parent, there’s no Halloween costume to design for a beloved child this year. For the best friends who always sat down to watch the film Hocus Pocus every year, there’s now a missing piece of the holiday, which causes sadness to surface.

Now that you know these 3 possible grief triggers, what can you do to prepare yourself to face them throughout the Halloween season?

What Can You Do to Prepare Yourself for Halloween Grief Triggers?

Consider Skipping Halloween This Year

While you can’t escape Halloween entirely, you can choose to personally skip the holiday this year. Avoid the section of the store where all the decorations are displayed. If you get a party invitation, choose not to attend. Set aside your costume-making skills for now. There’s nothing wrong with saying no, especially if it’s not going to benefit you. Listen to your feelings and do what is best for your emotional health and your grief journey.

Swap in Light-Hearted Activities

While other people are watching scary movies or experiencing jump-scares at a local haunted house, instead choose to focus on more light-hearted activities. Watch your favorite comedies. Go watch local improv theater. Bring peaceful colors and light into your home. While outside may be cemeteries and cobwebs, your home can be a haven from the grief triggers beyond your door.

Engage With Your Grief

If you are dealing with negative emotions and grief triggers around Halloween, take time out for self-care and to process your emotions. You can unpack your grief by talking with a trusted friend or writing down your feelings in a journal. You could also use your creativity to paint or build something that puts your grief into perspective or honors your loved one’s memory.

Look for Ways to Honor Your Loved One’s Memory

Whether you choose to participate in Halloween or not, you can look for ways to remember your loved one. Did they do a Halloween Fun Run? Participate in their honor. Did they always dress up as a character from The Office? Make your own costume in remembrance. There are so many things you can do to remember a loved one’s life and bring a little peace and comfort to your own heart.

Visit Your Loved One’s Final Resting Place

There are many benefits to visiting a loved one’s grave, especially that it provides a place to connect with your loved one. While you can visit the graveside any time of year, it may be meaningful to do so when the connection between life and death is so culturally strong. Holidays like All Souls Day and Dia de los Muertos (both immediately following Halloween) focus on remembering loved ones. Instead of leaning into the cultural norms of Halloween, focus on the act of remembrance instead.

As you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for Halloween, may these suggestions help you navigate the complexities of your grief and find a way to honor your loved one’s life and memory at every time of year.

Sep 10

Love0

Why Does the Funeral Matter?

By christy.kessler Educational, Meaningful Funerals

Today, we live fast-paced lives focused on instant gratification, immediate responses, and constant stimulation. We fill our minds with a barrage of entertainment and distract ourselves with our devices. In such an environment, moments of silence are increasingly rare, and may even feel uncomfortable.

For many, having a funeral and honoring the sacred space of mourning feels foreign or inconvenient. We resist the idea of slowing down because if we slow down, we risk thinking about our own mortality, something we desperately wish to avoid. But despite our best efforts to minimize its impact, the funeral does matter. Let’s talk about why.

4 Reasons Why a Funeral Matters

1. A funeral encourages us to respect the beauty of life

No matter how much we want to hide from it, avoid it, or try to get around it, death isn’t convenient. It’s painful. It forces us to consider the transience of life. It forces us to face our emotions. Dealing with death and loss is not supposed to be convenient or efficient. It takes time and intentionality to deal with death in a healthy way.

Going back to the earliest historical records, human beings have been using the funeral (in its various forms) to honor and remember the lives of loved ones. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or exhausting, but the service should give mourners time to reflect and grieve. With every life that is honored at its passing, we reaffirm the beauty and sanctity of life and the living.

2. A funeral brings emotions to the surface and reduces the risk of complicated grief

If grief isn’t expressed at a time of loss, it has a way of coming back around later, sometimes with a vengeance. In some cases, unresolved grief can lead to complicated grief or even depression. Both of these mental health concerns are serious and require the assistance of a licensed mental health professional to overcome.

While ignoring grief may save you from short-term pain, it’s harmful in the end. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief educator and counselor, says:

“The pain of grief will keep trying to get your attention until you unleash your courage to gently, and in small doses, open to its presence. The alternative—denying or suppressing your pain—is in fact more painful. If you do not honor your grief by acknowledging it, it will accumulate and fester. So, you must ask yourself, ‘How will I host this loss? What do I intend to do with this pain? Will I befriend it, or will I make it my enemy?’”

By attending a funeral, memorial, or some type of service following the death of a loved one, you give yourself and other mourners a chance to release what’s pent up inside. When grief is allowed to be expressed in its proper time, complications tend to be reduced or alleviated.

3. A funeral provides the opportunity to say goodbye

In addition to reminding us about the sanctity of life and encouraging us to express ourselves, the funeral matters because it provides an opportunity to say goodbye. As human beings, we need some form of closure – some way to say goodbye and “I love you, I miss you” to those we have loved and lost.

The funeral provides an avenue for both family and friends to have that final opportunity to say what needs to be said, to see that special person’s face one more time, and to close the door on a beautiful chapter of life as they turn the page to see what the future holds. We all need to say goodbye, so we can face the challenges and changes of tomorrow.

4. A funeral honors a loved one’s life and says they matter

And lastly, the funeral matters because your loved one’s life matters. Whether you do something simple or something elaborate, take time to celebrate who your loved one was. What did they enjoy doing? What were their lovable quirks? What did they mean to you? What are your favorite memories?

By adding customized stories and details to a final tribute, you get to say goodbye to them in a truly personal way. It’s not a hollow or meaningless service. It’s full of love, appreciation, remembrance, and a focus on the value your loved one brought to the world.

What Does All This Mean?

So, what does all this mean? It means take time to slow down. Make time to mourn. You deserve the chance to express and work through your feelings. And your loved one deserves to have their life remembered and honored in a personal way.

While confronting death head-on can feel uncomfortable, respecting the dead makes us stronger people. We find greater resilience and the ability to navigate through the difficulties of life. At the funeral, we mourn. We come together and remember. In many ways, we forget our differences and heal old wounds. We honor sacred space and time, and we grow as individuals and as a society.

And remember, every funeral will look different. You can work with a trusted funeral professional to choose the type of service that best meets your loved one’s wishes and your family’s emotional needs. Whether that’s a formal Mass, a memorial service with cremated remains present, a graveside service, a celebration of life, or some other type of service entirely, the funeral matters because it helps you meaningfully honor, remember, and celebrate a unique person you deeply love.

Sep 09

Love0

Family member comforting a loved one who is experiencing depression; mature couple

Grief & Depression: What’s the Difference?

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

After losing someone you love, you may experience a range of emotions, including sadness, confusion, disbelief, and perhaps even anxiety. But how do you know if you are experiencing normal grief or the beginnings of depression? Let’s talk about it.

What is Normal Grief?

Put simply, grief is your natural human response to the loss of someone or something you love. The emotions of grief vary greatly, but they are all normal responses to loss. As much as you may prefer not to feel or deal with these types of emotions, they are a healthy part of the grieving process.

The initial period of time just after a loss, when your emotions are unpredictable and you can’t concentrate on anything but the loss, is called acute grief. It’s the hard beginning of loss. However, in most cases, you soon move into integrated grief. This means that you have learned to accept the reality of the death, have found ways to cope and adapt to your new way of life, and have begun to hope again, finding renewed meaning and purpose in life. Moving from acute grief (initial feelings of loss) to integrated grief (a reconciliation to the loss) is a natural progression through the grief journey.

However, for some people, complications may arise, leading to either complicated grief or depression. (Click here to learn more about complicated grief.) But what is depression, how does it differ from grief, and how do you recognize it?

What is Depression?

According to the American Psychological Association, depression is “extreme sadness or despair that lasts more than days. Depression is the most common mental disorder. Fortunately, depression is treatable.”

In every source you look at, depression requires a diagnosis and does not appear to have an identifiable cause. It is a mental health concern that requires the assistance of a medical professional to diagnose and treat. This makes it quite different from grief – which is the emotional response you have to a loss – but how can you tell which is which? To help, let’s discuss symptoms to look out for with both grief and depression.

What Are the Symptoms?

To help you identify the difference between grief and depression, here’s a chart outlining similarities and differences between the two.

Who’s Susceptible to Grief & Depression?

Grief

Every person on the planet is susceptible to grief and should consider it a healthy and natural response to loss. So, if you are experiencing grief, consider it good even when it doesn’t feel like it. Experiencing grief means that you are reacting normally to a death or other significant loss in your life. When you try to shut down or shut out grief, that’s where problems can arise. Instead, by facing the emotions you feel and the circumstances before you, you can begin to process what’s happened and take back some of the control you lost following the loss.

Depression

While anyone can experience depression, there are certain factors that increase the odds. (Note: These factors do not make depression inevitable; they just make you more susceptible.)

According to the World Health Organization, these factors include a history of abuse, severe losses in life, traumatic events, genetics, certain medications, age, and even gender. Women are more likely than men to experience depression, and there’s a higher percentage of depression in adults ages 60+. Again, anyone can experience depression at any point in their life, but if you fall into any of these specific categories, make sure you are honestly evaluating yourself when difficult events arise in your life. Identifying the early stages of depression will help you address it and move forward more quickly.

Should You Seek Help?

Grief

Most of the time, when you’re dealing with normal grief, you may be able to process through it on your own or with the help of friends and family. However, you know yourself best. If it would be best for you to talk things through with a grief therapist, do it! Do what needs to be done to help you work through the loss and avoid developing complicated grief and/or depression.

To help you do the work of grief and learn how to move forward after a loss, check out these helpful resources:

Depression

If you suspect (even a little bit) that you may be experiencing depression, make an appointment with your doctor. In order to treat depression, you must work closely with mental health professionals to ensure you receive the best care. Depression is not something you can treat on your own; you will need help.

Common forms of treatment for depression are:

Your mental health professional will work with you to try out the treatments that work best for your personality and convictions. No treatment is undertaken without your consent, so you will have a say in which methods are utilized to help you conquer depression.

In addition to seeking treatment, here are additional coping strategies you can implement:

Stay in touch and socialize with friends and family
Be physically active
Face your fears; don’t avoid difficult things but work through them
Minimize or cease alcohol consumption
Eat a healthy, balanced diet
Stick to a routine that encourages good habits
Ask for help when you need it
Limit or set boundaries on things that deepen your feelings of depression

What Can Family and Friends Do to Help?

With depression, the best option is to speak with a professional, who can act as a guide through the entire journey toward recovery.

However, family and friends can do something to help!

If you are a friend or family member, offer your full and loving support to the person dealing with depression. Be there to talk. Be encouraging. Bring small gifts or tokens of your love. Actively listen and don’t interrupt. Plan positive activities, like taking a walk or doing something they’ve always enjoyed.

The depressed person doesn’t need you to try to fix them; they need you to accept them where they are right now. Be there for them. Realize that depression is difficult for both of you and the road to recovery may be long and difficult. But it is achievable! When we do the work, we can find a way to reconcile ourselves to loss and find new hope and meaning for the future.

Aug 29

Love0

Mourners attending a service, placing hands on casket in remembrance

5 Ways Funerals Today Aren’t One-Size-Fits-All

By christy.kessler Educational, Meaningful Funerals, Plan Ahead

Mourners attending a service, placing hands on casket in remembrance

Starting in the mid-1800s, there was a shift in funeral care. This shift was mainly due to the influence of Queen Victoria’s mourning practices on the Western World and the rise of embalming after the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln. The expectation for funerals came to include embalming, a viewing and visitation, service, funeral procession, graveside service, as well as a headstone.

While many people today still choose a traditional funeral as outlined above, things have changed in the last 150+ years. Now, funerals aren’t one-size-fits-all. You get to make more choices regarding how you want your life remembered and celebrated.

So, let’s talk about 5 key ways that you get to choose what’s right for you.

1. Choose Your Service

One way you can customize the funeral to fit your needs and personality is by choosing the type of service you want. For example, would you like a traditional funeral service? Or perhaps you’d prefer a memorial service after cremation has taken place? Would you like a viewing or a visitation? If so, would it be a private event or a public event? Alternatively, you might prefer to have your ashes scattered in a special place by the people closest to you.

While the options mentioned above are for the sake of example, you can talk with your family and a trusted local funeral home to better understand all of the possibilities. Then, with that information in hand, you can put your funeral plans in writing so that your loved ones know exactly how to honor your life after you’re gone.

For more resources on the types of services you could select, check out the articles below:

2. Choose Your Disposition

The two most common forms of final disposition in the United States are burial and cremation. While there are pros and cons to each, the choice is up to you. With burial, you can choose traditional burial with or without embalming, or you can opt for green burial. Similarly, with cremation, you can choose cremation by heat or by water.

When deciding which to choose, make sure you consider your family’s needs and your own personal convictions. For example, someone who wants to leave a smaller environmental impact could choose green burial or water cremation, the two options with the smallest footprint. However, if having a viewing is essential to your family or religious needs, you might choose have one before burial or cremation takes place. It’s entirely up to you and your family.

A few lesser used forms of disposition are burial at sea, recomposition burial (only available in select states), or body donation to science. For more information about all of these forms of final disposition, check out the resources below:

3. Choose Your Final Resting Place

Next up is choosing your final resting place. Not only can you personally choose the cemetery, but you also decide what kind of placement you want. With burial, you could opt for a single or double plot, a mausoleum, or even an above-ground crypt, to name a few. The cemetery may even have options like choosing a plot near a pond, a bench, or a lovely view.

On the other hand, with cremation, you could choose placement in a columbarium, a glass-front niche, scattering (at a cemetery or a special place), or even urn burial. Depending on the cemetery, there may be other options available. And if you are a veteran, there are national and state veteran cemeteries to consider as well as veterans’ burial benefits.

For more information about choosing a final resting place, check out the resources below and start talking with cemeteries in your area. You can consider the options available at each one and decide which works best for you.

4. Choose Your Personalized Details

Personalization is perhaps the best way to create a truly unique final tribute. Special touches and custom details tailor the service to tell the story of your particular life and its events. There are so many ways to personalize the funeral. Just think – weddings, birthday parties, anniversary celebrations, they all look different because they are custom to the people being celebrated. The same personalization can be true for any funeral or memorial service.

When adding meaningful details, there are a number of things to consider. You could add personalized music, readings, symbols, actions, or choose a unique location. You could also include photos, a memorial tribute video, or serve the deceased’s favorite foods at the reception.

The options are truly endless, so check out these resources and then discuss personalization with a trusted funeral director. They will brainstorm with you, discuss the possibilities, and work to make them a reality.

5. Choose Your Budget

One important aspect of the funeral that’s in your hands is cost. While you can’t control the cost of materials, merchandise, and services, you do get to decide which ones you want. The Federal Trade Commission requires that every funeral home have a General Price List that outlines all of their services and merchandise. With this list, you can pick and choose what you want and ensure that the cost of the funeral stays within your budget.

Plus, at a good funeral home, the staff will work with you to create a personalized plan that fits your needs. So, go to the funeral home with a realistic range of what you are willing to spend on a service, and they will work with you to honor that. If they push you toward the most expensive options, that’s a warning sign that you should find another funeral home to partner with.

Next Steps: Record Your Wishes for the Future

And one final thing that must be included is the importance of writing down your wishes once you’ve made decisions. It doesn’t do your family any good if you’ve decided what you want but never communicate it. Thankfully, planning ahead (also known as preplanning or advance funeral planning) is very common and can take an incredible weight off your family’s shoulders. Simply make an appointment at your chosen funeral home to get started. With your funeral plans written down, your family will have a roadmap to understanding what you want. Otherwise, they may be left scrambling after the loss, not sure what to choose.

Also, if you wish, you can pay in advance or set up a funeral insurance policy to cover the total cost. Alternatively, you can set aside funds in your personal accounts or use a life insurance policy. However, keep in mind, setting aside enough funds may be difficult due to rising costs and inflation. And with life insurance policies, funds may not be available for 6-8 weeks. This means your family may need to pay out of pocket for any funeral services and be reimbursed later.

To learn more about the benefits of planning ahead and how to pay for a funeral, check out the resources here:

By writing down your funeral wishes, you can communicate your personalized preferences to those you love. And with that information, they can make sure that your final tribute isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s the size that uniquely fits YOU.

Aug 26

Love0

Three female co-workers sitting together, supporting the woman sitting in the middle

Supporting a Grieving Colleague in the Workplace

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Helping a Friend in Grief

Oftentimes, we may only think about grief’s impact on our own personal lives, our family members, or our closest friends. But grief can enter other places we inhabit – like the workplace. If you’re a manager or are paying attention to your co-workers’ moods and habits, at some point you will likely see a colleague struggling with grief. If this happens, you may feel unsure about how you can help. Here are a few suggestions for how to appropriately express support to a grieving colleague in the workplace.

Tip #1: Be Patient

If you are a manager, being patient with your grieving employee is particularly important. On average, Americans receive 3-4 days of bereavement leave in the aftermath of a loss. After this short period of time, employees are expected to return to work and fully engage in their assigned tasks. However, the stress of losing a loved one and returning to work so quickly may feel overwhelming. In a study on grief’s effects on job performance, 75% of participants claimed they experienced concentration difficulties that extended beyond the period of paid leave.

If you notice that a direct report isn’t adjusting well after a loss, you may want to consider providing more paid leave. If this isn’t an option, make sure he or she feels safe and comfortable in the work environment. Be patient with the employee, communicate your sympathy, and consider temporarily reassigning any tasks or projects that require a high level of creativity or energy.

If you are a co-worker, also try to extend patience and kindness to the grieving person. If they forget a few things or seem to be unfocused, bring them back to the task at hand with kindness.

Tip #2: Say Something

One of the most discouraging things about grief is that people tend to shy away from the person who is sad. This reaction is problematic because hurting people need support from those around them.

If you don’t know what to say to a colleague, be honest about your uncertainty, and consider communicating something like this: “I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry for your loss. If you need anything or if I can help with (fill in the blank), let me know.”

Try to be specific in your offer to help, especially if you can take point on a project or relieve some of the stress they feel. Of course, you can always help in other ways, like providing a meal, donating to a special cause on their behalf, or leaving a card or a small, simple sympathy gift on their desk. Any small gesture could make a world of difference and make your colleague feel understood and supported at work.

Tip #3: Focus on the Mourner’s Grief

When someone is grieving, try to keep the focus on their loss, not your own losses. In an effort to connect, you may be tempted to talk about your own losses. Most of the time, this tendency isn’t helpful. While you may have lost someone dear to you, the focus right now should be on your colleague’s loss. Attempts at grief identification (trying to equate your loss with theirs) may communicate to others that you are assuming that you know how they feel, which can be seen as presumptuous and offensive.

For many people, the challenge is to avoid giving too much advice or easy answers. There’s nothing wrong with offering support or a word of encouragement but avoid telling the person what to do or how to feel. Platitudes or cliches tend to minimize the other person’s pain and send the wrong message.

If you are tempted to “make it better” by telling them that their loved one is in a better place or they are at least no longer in pain, don’t do it. Let your colleague tell you how they feel. For your part, listen and express your sympathy and support. No advice you give is going to fix a person’s situation, but you can offer genuine help and care.

If you aren’t sure what to say, check out “What Should I Say to Someone Who is Grieving?”

Tip #4: Check In Occasionally

For the first few weeks after loss, mourners typically receive an abundance of support and help. As time goes by, the shock and numbness wear off, but that’s when the reality sets in. Their loved one is not coming back. Make sure to check in every few months and genuinely ask, “How are you holding up?”

Don’t assume they are “strong” because they are doing well at work. Allow them to tell you how they are coping and talk about their loved one by name. The sweetest sound to a mourner’s ears is usually the name of their loved one being remembered by others.

Regardless of the specifics of the situation, losing a loved one is hard. But the pain of loss can be compounded by the stressful demands of the workplace. Those who are obligated to return to work soon after a loss are particularly vulnerable to stress and work frustration. As a work colleague, it’s important to take steps to make a grieving co-worker feel comfortable and supported.