christy.kessler

Losing a spouse can feel like losing an essential part of yourself. The two of you were a team, doing all the ups and downs of life together. Now, you find yourself facing life alone, and you don’t remember how to do it on your own. Some days, you may even feel like you’re going crazy. But you’re not crazy – you’re grieving.

While the grief journey is about saying goodbye and moving forward, it’s also about honoring the love you shared, reflecting on the memories you made, and finding a new place in your heart for your spouse’s presence.

As you walk through the heartbreaking loss of a spouse, remember these things:

1. You have the right to your own unique grief

Every person grieves in their own way, and you have the right to experience your grief differently than the people around you. While you are grieving a spouse, other family members may be going through the loss of a parent or child. For example, if one or both of your spouse’s parents are still living, you are both grieving the same person but very different losses.

It’s possible that other family members may expect you to react to the loss of a spouse in a certain way. Try not to conform your needs to their expectations. Instead, be real about what you need and compassionately communicate those needs when appropriate.

2. You have the right to talk about your feelings

Many people grow up learning that it’s better to conceal emotions (and admittedly, some places aren’t appropriate for emotional outbursts), but most of the time, it’s healthy to express what you’re feeling. And one of the most tried and true ways to express what you’re thinking and feeling is through talking.

Talking about your spouse may be painful at first. If it’s easier, you can start by writing down what you’re thinking and feeling. Once you are comfortable with that, you can move to speaking with trusted family and friends who are ready to hear what you have to say. The biggest thing is to express what’s going on in your heart and get those big feelings out in the open, not trapped inside you.

3. You have the right to feel the way you feel

After a loss, it’s common to feel a wide range of emotions. Shock, denial, confusion, yearning, guilt, sadness, or depression, to name a few. All of these reactions are normal. And if you’ve just lost your soulmate, these feelings may be more intense than anything you’ve felt before. But remember – it’s normal.

Try to embrace what you’re feeling, but when you can, do it in small doses. For example, when you’re busy but feel the grief rising, allow yourself to engage with your emotions for 10 minutes. Go to a quiet place and cry, scream, kick, do whatever you need to do (as long as you don’t harm yourself or others). After 10 minutes, take a deep breath, and go back to what you were doing. It’s going to take time and many such moments of grief to process this deep loss.

4. You have the right to be tired

Grief is hard work, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. You may find yourself feeling simply exhausted at the end of the day. And at night, your bed may feel less welcoming because that special person is no longer there. Some people even experience physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, and weight loss or gain after losing a loved one.

Please know – this is a natural reaction. Your body is in distress, the same as your mind and heart. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Rest every day. Eat balanced meals. Be kind to yourself as you grieve the loss of your spouse and figure out how to move forward.

5. You have the right to experience “grief bursts”

At times, the feelings of grief are going to appear suddenly and overwhelmingly. This is called a “grief burst.” It could be triggered by many things. You walk past the perfume counter and breathe in your wife’s preferred scent. You burst into tears while cooking dinner because he was the best chef ever. You wake up and say “good morning” before you remember no one is there.

So many small moments could trigger a grief burst. The powerful surge of emotion can be scary, but it’s normal and natural. When these bursts happen, honor and acknowledge them; don’t suppress them. Let yourself cry. Write down what’s going through your mind. Or call someone you trust and talk with them through the grief burst.

6. You have the right to engage in healing actions

Sometimes, in order to heal, you will need to do more than talk – you need to act. And as you put your grief into motion, you engage with your feelings and begin to process them in a healthy way. But what are “healing actions”?

Get coffee with someone and share a few cherished memories about your spouse. Mark your spouse’s birthday in a special way. Volunteer at their favorite organization. Talk about your lost spouse with family, friends, and your children. Write to your spouse and catch them up on everyone’s news. Visit their final resting place to chat for a little bit.

These are all acts of mourning – the outward expression of your internal grief. As hard as it is to believe, as you do the work of grief and participate in healing actions, you will find a way to move forward. You will never forget your spouse – nor should you – but you can find the path toward healing and discover a good life you didn’t know could exist.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality

If you are a person of faith, your beliefs are either sustaining you or it’s all feeling a little shaky. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. The loss of a spouse can unbalance your entire world.

If you are a person of faith, surround yourself with people who understand and support your religious beliefs. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings. Pray. Meditate. Journal. Share what you’re feeling with God; he’s big enough and loving enough to accept and understand whatever you’re feeling, even if it’s anger toward him.

8. You have the right to take your time

Whether you’ve been married for 6 months or 60 years, take all the time you need to grieve your loss. You may have a well-meaning friend or family member who’s encouraging you to “move on” because “enough time has passed.” You can politely ignore them because, in truth, there’s no rush, no timeline, and no expiration date on grief. It takes the time it takes.

Ultimately, the journey toward reconciliation – learning how to move forward after a loss – often depends on the type of loss and the depth of the relationship. With a spouse, a soulmate, the process can take longer than with other types of loss. After all, your spouse was with you every day, the person who knew you best, inside and out. That type of relationship comes with deep love and appreciation and deserves to be fully mourned.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories

Think back on your cherished memories. The moment you met your spouse. The first time you knew you wanted to marry them. The meaningful moments you shared, from the wedding day to having children, decorating your first home, or traveling together. You have some very special memories that no one else has, and they are very precious.

So, what could you do to treasure your spouse’s memory? You could collect keepsakes – photos, favorite items, something special between you and your spouse, etc. Have a piece of jewelry made to wear in remembrance. Start a tradition that brings you comfort. Bake their favorite Christmas treat every year. There are so many ways that you can remember and treasure the memories. Simply choose the ones that speak to you.

10.  You have the right to grieve and to heal

No matter what your feelings or other people may be telling you right now, remember that you do have the right to grieve and to heal.

Nationally respected grief author and educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt tells us that, in many ways, we never truly “get over” a death; instead, we learn to reconcile ourselves to the loss. He states, “Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future…. The unfolding of this journey is not intended to create a return to an ‘old normal’ but the discovery of a ‘new normal.’”

The journey ahead is not going to be easy. The loss you’ve suffered is significant and heartbreaking. As you grapple with the loss, grieve in whatever way you need so that you and your family can find healing, peace, and reconciliation.

*Adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.

“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy, but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving…the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.”   – Henri Nouwen

“All you need is love,” famously sang the Beatles. I couldn’t agree more. We come into the world yearning to give and receive love. Authentic love is God’s greatest gift to us as human beings. Love is the one human experience that invites us to feel beautifully connected and forces us to acknowledge that meaning and purpose are anchored not in isolation and aloneness, but in union and togetherness.

What higher purpose is there in life but to give and receive love? Love is the essence of a life of abundance and joy. No matter what life brings our way, love is our highest goal, our passionate quest. Yes, we have a tremendous need for love – love that captures our hearts and nourishes our spirits.

In fact, our capacity to give and receive love is what ultimately defines us. Nothing we have “accomplished” in our lifetime matters as much as the way we have loved one another.

Yet love inevitably leads to grief. You see, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not – and cannot – exist without the other. People sometimes say that grief is the price we pay for the joy of having loved. This also means that grief is not a universal experience. Grief is predicated on our capacity to give and receive love. Some people choose not to love, and so, never grieve. If we allow ourselves the grace that comes with love, however, we must allow ourselves the grace that is required to mourn.

The experience of grief is only felt when someone of great value, purpose, and meaning has been a part of your life. To mourn your loss is required if you are to befriend the love you have been granted. To honor your grief is not self-destructive or harmful, it is life-sustaining and life-giving, and it ultimately leads you back to love again. In this way, love is both the cause and the antidote. Just as our greatest gift from God is our capacity to give and receive love, it is a great gift that we can openly mourn our life losses.

It is important to understand that grief and mourning are not the same thing, however. Grief is the constellation of thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. We can think of it as the container. It holds our thoughts, feelings, and image of our experience when someone we love dies. In other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss. Mourning is taking the grief we have on the inside and expressing it outside of ourselves.

Making the choice not just to grieve, but to authentically mourn, provides us the courage to live through the pain of loss and be transformed by it. How ironic that to ultimately go on to live well and love well we must allow ourselves to mourn well. You have loved from the outside in, and now you must learn to mourn from the inside out.

About the Author:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a noted author, educator, grief counselor. Dr. Wolfelt believes that meaningful funeral experiences help families and friends support one another, embrace their feelings, and embark on the journey to healing and transcendence. Recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s Death Educator Award, Dr. Wolfelt presents workshops across the world to grieving families, funeral home staffs, and other caregivers. He also teaches training courses for bereavement caregivers at the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, where he serves as Director. Dr. Wolfelt is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. He is also the author of many bestselling books, including Understanding Your Grief, The Mourner’s Book of Hope, Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies, and The Paradoxes of Grief: Healing Your Grief With Three Forgotten Truths, upon which this series is based. For more information, visit www.centerforloss.com

Printed by permission of Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, all rights reserved.

“We are all mirrors unto one another. Look into me and you will find something or yourself as I will of you.”  – Walter Rinder

Love is a sacred partnership of communion with another human being. You take each other in, and even when you are apart, you are together. Wherever you go, you carry the person inside you. Communion means the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially on a spiritual level. When two people love one another, they are connected. They are entwined.

Communion of Lives

The word “communion” comes from the Old French comuner, which means “to hold in common.” Note that this is different than “to have in common.” You may have very little in common with another person, yet love them wholeheartedly. Instead, you hold things in common – that is, you consciously choose to share one another’s lives, hopes, and dreams. You hold her heart, and she holds yours.

This experience of taking another person inside your heart is beyond definition and defies analysis. It is part of the mystery of love. Love has its own way with us. It knocks on our hearts and invites itself in. It cannot be seen, but we realize it has hap­pened. It cannot be touched, yet we feel it.

Communion of Grief

When someone we love dies, then, we feel a gaping hole inside us. I have compan­ioned hundreds of mourners who have said to me, “When she died, I felt like part of me died, too.” In what can feel like a very physical sense, something that was inside us now seems missing. We don’t mourn those who die from the outside in; we mourn them from the inside out.

The absence of the person you love wounds your spirit, creates downward movement in your psyche, and transforms your heart. Yet even though you feel there is now a hole inside you, you will also come to know (if you haven’t already) that those you love continue to live on in your heart. You remain in communion with those you love forever and are inextricably connected to them for eternity.

Yes, you will grieve the person’s absence and need to express your feelings of grief. You must mourn. You must commune with your grief and take it into your heart, embracing your many thoughts and feel­ings. When you allow yourself to fully mourn, over time and with the support of others who care about you, you will come to find that the person you lost does indeed still live inside you.

Love abides in communion – during life and after death. And mourning is com­munion with your grief. With communion comes understanding, meaning, and a life of richness.

Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts

”Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.”  – Marcus Aurelius

When you love another person, it can feel like one plus one equals three.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” Love is like that. Two people can come together and form a partnership that enables each person to be “more” in so many ways.

Here’s another way to think about this idea: Love is like an orchestra. You may be a clarinet – a strong, fine wind instrument all by yourself. But when you surround yourself with other instruments, each of which does the work of carrying its own part and practicing its own music, to­gether as a group you can blow the doors off the place.

I much prefer this expansive concept of love over the long-held reductionist belief that two become one. If two become one, both participants in the relationship are diminished. Conversely, what truly feeds the soul of a loving relationship is expansion, mutual-nurturance, and growth.

Without doubt, being part of a synergistic, two-makes-three relationship requires a conscious commitment. Did your rela­tionship with the person who died feel enhancing or diminishing? In synergistic relationships, there has to be space and encouragement to be real and authentic. Were you empowered to be your true self or disempowered to be something you were not? Did your two make three, or did your two make you less than one? If your two made less than one, perhaps you are now faced with mourning what you never had but wished you did. How human is that?

If, on the other hand, your relationship with the person who died made you greater than the sum of your parts, what happens now that one of you is gone? You may feel diminished. You may feel empty. You may feel less than whole. Your self-identity may even seem to shrink as you struggle with your changing roles. If you are no longer a wife (or a mother or a sister or a daughter), what are you? If you are no longer a husband (or a father or a brother or a son), what are you?

The experience of mourning can feel piecemeal – a cry here, a burst of anger there; a deep sadness today, a crush of guilt tomorrow. You might feel a sense of disorientation from the scattered and ever-changing nature of your grief.

But when you trust in the process of grief and you surrender to the mystery, you will find that mourning, like love, is also greater than the sum of its parts. Leaning into your grief and always erring on the side of expressing rather than inhibiting or ignoring your thoughts and feelings – ­no matter how random and disjointed they might seem some days – will bring you to a place of transformation. You will not just be different from the person you were before the death. You will be greater. Your experience of love and grief will create a changed you, a you who has not only survived but who has learned to thrive again in a new form and in a new way.

And just as love connects you to others, so should grief. You need the listening ears and open hearts of others as you express your thoughts and feelings about the death. You need the support of others as you mourn.

Yes, love and grief are both greater than the sum of their parts. The lesson I take from this is that whenever you engage fully and openly in life, experiencing both the joys and the sorrows head-on, you are living the life you were meant to live.

About the Author:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many compassionate, bestselling books designed to help people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well, including Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out, from which this article is excerpted. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.

Printed by permission of Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, all rights reserved.