After the loss of a loved one, we all experience grief, but every grief journey is different because every person is different. What you feel really depends on your personality and your relationship with the person who has died. Some people will experience sadness, guilt, and regret, while others will feel shock, anger, and fear mixed with the sadness. Both of these reactions are completely normal and natural responses to loss.

As you process your feelings of grief, they will lessen in intensity over time. However, every so often, you will experience a sudden burst of grief. These moments are called “grief bursts” and are often brought on by a grief trigger. Today, we will discuss what grief triggers are and what you should know about them.  

What are Grief Triggers?

Simply put, a grief trigger is anything that brings up memories related to a loss. That’s very broad, but it’s true. Grief triggers will vary from person to person, so it’s good to pay attention to what triggers grief in you particularly. For example, you may be walking through a department store when the smell of mom’s favorite perfume hits your nose. The scent evokes memories of your mom, and before you know it, there are tears in your eyes. The scent was a grief trigger.  

What Types of Things Act as Grief Triggers?

All kinds of things can become grief triggers, even years after a loss. The thing to remember, though, is that these sudden bursts of grief are natural. Even after you’ve learned how to live without that special person, there will be moments throughout your life when you deeply miss them. However, some of those moments of grief may be the result of grief triggers.

Grief triggers may be something you can anticipate, like:         

• Loved one’s birthday
• Upcoming holiday
• Family occasions
• Death anniversary
• Days with special meaning to you

Other grief triggers may come from unexpected sources, which can make them more challenging to identify, like:

• Smells, sounds, sights, actions
• Songs, words, places
• Movies, people, colors
• And anything else that stirs a memory

As you work through your grief, pay attention to when these sudden bursts hit you. What were you doing? What did you see? Smell? Hear? Did a memory come to mind? As you identify your personal grief triggers, you can better prepare for them in the future.

What Should I Do When a Grief Trigger Hits?

While it may not be what you want to hear, try to embrace the moment. Too often, we bottle up our emotions and don’t properly process them. While a grief trigger may come at an inopportune moment, the people around you will understand. Friends, family, and even strangers are capable of great compassion, especially if you give a brief explanation, like “These flowers remind me of my wife.”

Nationally respected author and grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt says, “The pain of grief will keep trying to get your attention until you unleash your courage to gently, and in small doses, open to its presence. The alternative—denying or suppressing your pain—is, in fact, more painful. If you do not honor your grief by acknowledging it, it will accumulate and fester. So, you must ask yourself, ‘How will I host this loss? What do I intend to do with this pain? Will I befriend it, or will I make it my enemy?'”

Choose to befriend your pain, to make it familiar and eventually part of who you are. You never “get over” the loss of someone loved. Instead, you learn how to reconcile yourself to the loss, knowing that so many beautiful chapters of your life are dedicated to that person. And you can cherish and re-visit those chapters whenever you want.

Should I Try to Stop Grief Triggers?

Grief is complicated, and as a general rule, we human beings don’t like difficult things. So, you may be tempted to avoid grief triggers as much as possible. If the grief triggers are debilitating, then it may be best to avoid them when you can. For example, if passing your dad’s fishing hat on the hat rack by the front door always triggers your grief, consider moving it to another location for a while. In the early days of loss, your emotions may be especially intense. Over time, they will lessen, and you may begin to find comfort in your dad’s hat.

However, don’t avoid all grief triggers all the time. It’s essential to learn how to deal with your emotions when they arise, no matter the situation. When a grief trigger comes, accept what you’re feeling, engage with it, and when possible, express your feelings. You can express yourself through tears, talking to a friend, journaling, or whatever works best for you. In other words, don’t avoid your grief; that leads to unhealthy habits of avoidance. To heal, you must face the pain head-on, even though it’s hard. 

What if My Grief Triggers Become Debilitating?

If you are experiencing many grief triggers or your grief triggers are causing you anxiety, it’s best to seek out a grief counselor or therapist. They can give you professional advice on the best way to handle what you’re experiencing. And even if your grief triggers aren’t debilitating, it can be beneficial to speak with someone who’s there to listen and help you process what you’re feeling.

And if going to see a counselor feels intimidating, that’s okay. Many people feel nervous when trying new things. Give it a try and see whether it will work for you. Some people only need to attend a few sessions to see improvement, while others find that speaking to a counselor on a regular basis is just what they need to live a more balanced life. And if you’d rather not meet one-on-one, you can join a grief support group instead.

With this information, you should better understand what grief triggers are and the role they play in your grief journey. As you continue to heal, be aware of your own needs, taking note of what triggers you and how you respond to the triggers. The more you know about yourself, the better you will handle grief bursts and triggers when they show up. Best wishes to you on the journey toward hope and healing!

Losing someone you love is hard, and you may feel overwhelmed as you navigate life without your loved one. You’re not alone! While everyone grieves differently, many people find themselves struggling after the death of a loved one. That’s why many people find joining a grief support group helpful.

A grief support group can be a great way to surround yourself with a support system after a loved one’s death and hear from others who have also lost someone they love. Plus, you can learn how to express your emotions and grief in a safe space.

But going to a grief group for the first time can be intimidating! While every grief support group will be different, here are a few things you can expect at most groups.

Facilitator-Led Discussions

Most grief support groups have a facilitator who helps lead discussions, organize the group, and keep everyone on topic. Depending on the group, the facilitator might be a licensed counselor, a religious leader, or a peer from the group. Some groups may also have more than one facilitator or rotating leaders, depending on the size of the group and how often they meet.

When choosing a grief support group, consider what type of facilitator you would prefer. Do you want professional expertise and advice from the leader? Or would you rather be part of a group led by a peer who has experienced something similar to you? Everyone has different needs, so look for the type of facilitator who fits your wishes.

Time to Share and Listen

A big benefit of a grief support group is having a safe space to talk about what you’re feeling. For many people, this idea can be intimidating. However, expressing and acknowledging your emotions is an important step in your grief journey. The emotions you feel after a loss, even anger and guilt, are normal, and refusing to talk about them will only make things harder for you.

However, you won’t be forced to share if you don’t feel comfortable! You can also learn a lot simply by listening to others as they speak about their own experiences with grief. Hearing from others can be a great way to learn that you’re not alone. While everyone grieves differently, hearing about others’ grief could help you find new ways to process your own emotions. Plus, as you share your struggles and grow together, you can support each other along your grief journeys.

Grief Education

Grief support groups aren’t just for talking about what you and your peers feel. They also provide a space for you to learn more about what grief is, how different people experience it, and what you can do to progress along your grief journey. Grief doesn’t end the day of the funeral, and your facilitator and peers in the group can help you learn more about how to cope with your grief in a healthy way.

Plus, many grief support groups can provide you with grief resources, like brochures, flyers, or online articles. Some grief support groups may recommend reading certain books about grief, and your facilitator may be able to point you to more resources, like professional grief counseling.

As you look for a grief support group that works with your needs and schedule, remember that every group will have its own guidelines and methods. You may not like the first grief support group you try, and that’s okay! Keep looking for one that works for you, and don’t be afraid to ask for extra support from close friends and family.

Resources

Your local funeral home should be able to point you to grief support groups in your specific area. Additionally, you can check out these online resources for grief support:

• National Alliance for Children’s Grief (child)
• The Compassionate Friends (all grief)
• National Widowers Organization (widowers)
• Soaring Spirits International (loss of spouse)
• COPE (loss of sibling)
• TAPS (loss of veteran or service member)
• GriefShare (all grief)
• MISS Foundation (loss of child)
• SAVE (suicide loss)

You are likely familiar with feelings of grief, but did you know that there are different variations of grief? Of course, the experience of grief is different from person to person, but sometimes grief can take a turn and become something a little different. The four most common variations of grief are disenfranchised grief, complicated grief, compounded grief, and anticipatory grief. Of the four, anticipatory grief is the most common and least concerning.

With that in mind, let’s unpack anticipatory grief so that you have a better understanding of what it is and how to cope with it.

What is Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory grief, also known as preparatory grief, is a type of grief that occurs before the actual loss or death of a loved one. This form of grief is a common experience among family members and friends of a terminally ill person. Anticipatory grief can be complex and challenging, as individuals may experience various emotions, including stress, sadness, anger, guilt, and anxiety.

Anticipatory grief can be a positive or a negative experience. On the one hand, having time to process the emotions of grief before the loss can spur you to make meaningful choices. For example, you could spend more time with your loved one, or take the opportunity to have meaningful conversations and say things you’ve always wanted to.

On the other hand, the stress of watching someone you love slip away a little at a time, such as with Alzheimer’s disease or cancer, can bring about feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and stress.

5 Strategies for Coping with Anticipatory Grief

If you are dealing with anticipatory grief, these five coping strategies can help you process your complex emotions and gain peace even in a difficult situation.

1. Practice Mindfulness

Anticipatory grief can be overwhelming and all-consuming. Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present and grounded. Take a few moments each day to focus on your breath and observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

You may reflect on the things you are grateful for learning from the person you love. What valuable lessons have they taught you? What values have they passed on that you will carry with you after they are gone? Feel free to share these thoughts with the person you love, if you can. It will mean more to them than you know!

2. Connect with Others

Anticipatory grief can feel isolating because the loss has not yet occurred. That is why reaching out to friends, family members, and mental health professionals who understand what you’re going through is so important. Understanding and acknowledging anticipatory grief can help you cope with the impending loss and find meaning and peace during a difficult time. Join a support group or seek out a therapist who can provide guidance and support throughout this journey and beyond.

3. Take Care of Yourself

Grief of any kind can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Take care of yourself by getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in activities that bring you joy.

If you are a primary caregiver for a terminally ill loved one, practicing self-care is crucial to your well-being. Feelings of frustration and burnout can make anticipatory grief even more challenging because you might feel guilty for getting angry or losing patience.

Ensure that you are not neglecting your needs as you care for another individual. You might take a walk to clear your mind, take a nap if you are exhausted, and follow routines that keep you grounded and centered.

4. Express Your Feelings

It’s essential to allow yourself to feel your emotions and express them in healthy ways. Write in a journal, create art, or talk to a trusted friend about your thoughts and feelings.

Emotions can hold power over us if they go unacknowledged and unexpressed. But when you name an emotion, it loses some of its power. Even if your emotions are not what you want them to be, take the time to understand them and find a way to express them.

5. Focus on What You Can Control

Anticipatory grief can feel overwhelming because it involves so many unknowns. Focusing on what you can control rather than what you can’t control is helpful.

Preparing for a loss in practical ways may help bring a sense of control. You may want to focus on estate planning, funeral planning, and even writing the obituary in advance.

Gather a team of experts around you to help you. Your team might include an estate planning attorney, a funeral planning specialist from the funeral home, hospice nurses, caregivers, and an accountant who can assist with tax issues and questions.

The more prepared you are for a loss, the more you will be able to be in the moment with your loved one in their last days and weeks.

Anticipatory grief can be a challenging and emotional experience. However, these five strategies can help you cope and navigate this difficult time with grace and strength. Remember that grief is a natural part of the human experience, and it’s okay to seek help and support when you need it. With time and patience, you will find a way to honor the memory of your loved one and move forward with peace and healing.