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The Paradoxes of Mourning Part 1 of 3: Creating Hello Opportunities

By Meaningful Funerals

By Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Paradox 1: Families must say hello before they can say goodbye

A paradox is a seemingly self-contradictory statement or situation that is in fact often true. The paradox of mourning we will consider together in this article might, at first glance, seem self-contradictory, but as I will reveal, it is actually a forgotten Truth with a capital T. It’s a Truth we must rediscover because it is essential to understanding how mourners begin to heal in the aftermath of significant loss.

Love inevitably leads to grief. You see, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not – and cannot – exist without the other. They are the yin and yang of our lives. From the moment we are born, we say hello to love in our lives by seeking it out, by acknowledging it when it unfolds, by welcoming it and by nurturing it so that it will continue.

It is essential for those in funeral service to understand that we must also say hello to loss and grief in our lives. To be sure, we do not seek it out, but when it unfolds, we must acknowledge it. I would even say that we must welcome our grief. We must say hello to it. The funeral, in fact, is an essential step in saying hello. Yes, we must simultaneously “work at” and “surrender to” the grief journey. This in itself is a paradox. As grievers come to know this paradox, they can, very slowly, discover the soothing of their souls.

Saying Hello to the Physical Reality of Death

In centuries past, our actions and rituals made it clear that we understood the necessity of saying hello to the reality of death. We have always – even from the time of Neanderthals, anthropologists suggest – honored the body of the person who died right up until the moment it was laid in its final resting place. The body of the person who died was the focal part of the entire funeral process – from the procession into the church to the procession out of the church to the procession to the cemetery through to the burial. The body never for a moment left the family’s sight – or heart.

In recent decades, as you know, the trend has been toward body-absent funeral ceremonies. Today, bodies are often cremated immediately, often without loved ones having spent time with them or even having looked at them beforehand. While historically we understood the essential, universal need to honor and affirm the life of the person who died with the body present throughout the entire funeral process, now the guest of honor is often missing in action.

People in funeral service understand that when you watch someone die, care for a dead body and/or visit the body of a loved one in an open casket, you are saying hello to the reality of that person’s death. In fact, I believe the more time families spend bearing witness to and even feeling the fact of a death with their own two hands, the more deeply they are able to acknowledge the reality of the death. That is why it is so critical to build in as many sacred opportunities as possible for families (when culturally appropriate) to spend time with the body before cremation or burial, even if there will not be a public visitation.

Saying Goodbye

Grief never truly ends because love never ends. People do not “get over” grief because they do not “get over” the love that caused the grief. After someone we love dies, we step through a doorway into a new reality, but we never fully close and lock the door behind us. People often think of the funeral as a time of saying goodbye to the person who died, but that’s largely inaccurate. You see, the funeral takes place so soon after the death that grief and mourning have just started. At that point, grieving families are just saying hello to their grief. At the time of disposition, on the other hand, they are also saying goodbye to the precious body of the person who died, and as I mentioned above, it is so important, when culturally appropriate, to foster and encourage spending time with the body in the days or hours before disposition.

Eventually, though, people who find ways to say hello to their loss, grief and mourning, over time and with the support of others, will more and more come to find that they have ultimately said a kind of final goodbye to the person who died. No, they do not forget, get over, resolve or recover from the death – there is never true “closure,” but they become reconciled to it. Reconciliation literally means “to make life good again.” In reconciliation, they come to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who died. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence and a capacity to become re-involved in the activities of living. There is also an acknowledgment that pain and grief are difficult yet necessary parts of life.

Along the road to reconciliation, if they are openly, honestly and actively mourning, they will be saying lots of hellos. Oh hello, this death. Oh hello, this thought. Oh hello, this feeling. Oh hello, this change. Oh hello, this me. Oh hello, this doubt. Oh hello, this new belief. But they will also be saying many goodbyes. Goodbye, this voice, this kiss, this body. Goodbye, this routine. Goodbye, this me. Goodbye, this belief. Goodbye, this ever-present pain. Their hellos and goodbyes will overlap one another, with more hellos needed at the start of the journey and more goodbyes in the later days.

Still, remember that saying goodbye is not the same as “closure.” As I said, you never fully close the door on the love and grief you feel for someone who has died. But you can achieve a sense of peace. The days of intense and constant turmoil can be replaced by serene acceptance as well as days of love, hope and joy.

In funeral service, you can strive to help create as many hello opportunities for families as possible. The more they are educated about and engaged in the entire process and the more they avail themselves of all of the possible elements of ritual, the more they will be saying hello to their normal and necessary grief. In turn, this will help set them on the path to continuing to embrace and openly mourn their many thoughts and feelings in the coming weeks and months.

I challenge you to think of the funeral as an opportunity for families to say hello as much as or more than an opportunity to say goodbye. Embracing this essential paradox has the power to transform your customer service strategy and your funeral home’s role in your community.

To read Part 2 of this article, visit this page: The Paradoxes of Mourning Part 2 of 3: The Dark Night of the Soul

To read Part 3 of this article, visit this page: The Paradoxes of Mourning Part 3 of 3: Backtracking on the Route to Healing

About the Author:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a noted author, educator, grief counselor. Dr. Wolfelt believes that meaningful funeral experiences help families and friends support one another, embrace their feelings, and embark on the journey to healing and transcendence. Recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s Death Educator Award, Dr. Wolfelt presents workshops across the world to grieving families, funeral home staffs, and other caregivers. He also teaches training courses for bereavement caregivers at the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, where he serves as Director. Dr. Wolfelt is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. He is also the author of many bestselling books, including Understanding Your Grief, The Mourner’s Book of Hope, Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies, and The Paradoxes of Grief: Healing Your Grief With Three Forgotten Truths, upon which this series is based. For more information, visit www.centerforloss.com

Printed by permission of Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, all rights reserved.

Crafting a Eulogy

By Meaningful Funerals

What is a Eulogy?

A eulogy is a speech given at a funeral that celebrates the life of a loved one. It comes from the Greek word eulogia, which means “to praise.” Eulogies can be as short as three or four minutes, or as long as fifteen to twenty (when in doubt, it’s best to stay short).

After losing a loved one, you might be asked to deliver a eulogy. Here are some tips that can help you write and present a speech that will be a meaningful tribute to your loved one’s life.

Brainstorm: Begin by pouring out all of your thoughts on paper. Record fond memories of important events and details in your loved one’s life. What were some of your favorite moments with this person? What did you admire most about him or her? At this point, it is essential that you don’t judge your work. The hardest part is starting, so just let your ideas flow. The most effective way to write is to turn off your “inner critic” until you have plenty of material to work with.

Structure your work: Once you have a sufficient body of information on the page, then you can go back, think critically, and make edits, deciding which details are important and worthwhile, and which would be irrelevant or even harmful to mention. Remember that the eulogy is a time of “praise,” and that this is a time for positive memories only. Organize your thoughts and create smooth transitions between stories and commentary.

Offer Your Perspective on the Character of the Deceased: This can be kind of tricky because you have to strike a balance, here. On the one hand, you want to establish your voice, so that people can understand your relationship to the deceased. At the same time, it is important to keep the focus primarily on the deceased. In other words, make it personal, but don’t let your memories of the deceased become self-centered or self-serving. Establish yourself to provide the proper context, but never lose sight of the life of the loved one.

Make it Conversational: If any portions of your speech sound dry or formal, adopt a more casual approach. A conversational tone is preferred, because you want to convey the personal nature of your relationship to the deceased.

Make it Concrete: If any portions of your speech sound vague or general,  find ways to make them more specific. Pack your eulogy with vivid stories and details, and adopt a style that captures the spirit of the loved one. When celebrating the character of the deceased, provide examples to back up your praise. Recall specific things that the loved one said. Don’t be afraid to express your sadness, but if you have any humorous stories, you may want to consider sharing these too.

Contact the Other Speakers: If multiple people will be delivering eulogies at the funeral or memorial service, you may want to contact them and get a general idea of what they will be saying and how your eulogy will fit in with the overall picture. Also, try to get a sense of how long the others will be speaking, so that you can time your own speech accordingly.

Rehearse the Speech: Once you’ve completed the speech and edited it to your liking, practice it several times through. Examine your body language and delivery in the mirror, or present it to a family member or friend and ask for feedback. Focus on pacing. Keep a calm and steady rhythm. When people get anxious during a public speech, they tend to speak more quickly. Be aware of this tendency ahead of time so that you can curb it if necessary.

The Importance of Positive Thinking

If you’re nervous about public speaking, remember: you’re not alone. Almost 75% of the population has speech anxiety. Much of this anxiety stems from the irrational belief that the speech must be perfect, that any sign of error or any hint of nervousness on the part of the speaker will be scrutinized by the audience. This simply isn’t true. These unrealistic expectations put a burden on you that you can’t possibly live up to. Instead, take a deep breath, relax, and remember that the people who are hearing your eulogy love and support you. They’re looking for what you do right, not what you do wrong. Remind yourself that your speech is about honoring the life of a loved one, and that anxiety is nothing more than wasted energy. Your best effort is good enough.

How Poetry Can Help You on Your Grief Journey

By Exclude from Top Posts, Funeral Poems, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Did you know that poetry can play an important role in the grieving process? Sadly, poetry readings are becoming less and less popular in everyday life, but they are still widely used in important rituals and ceremonies, including funerals. Our willingness to turn to poetry to mark events of great importance indicates that we still understand the power of poetry and are drawn to it, even though we only turn to it on rare occasions.

What’s So Great About Poetry?

A great poem captures essential truths about the human condition. Through the precise arrangement of a few carefully chosen words, the poet explores universal themes and attempts to encapsulate an aspect of human experience. Good poems are relatable. Writing it allows us to express ourselves to others, and reading it cultivates empathy and reminds us of what we have in common. Poetry reminds us of what it means to be human–to feel joy and pain, to laugh and to cry, to celebrate the wonders of life and to fear our mortality. In this way, it connects us to the people around us.

Reading Poetry to Enhance a Funeral Service

In a funeral setting, poetry reading can be a powerful ritual. It honors the life of the loved one and strengthens the bonds between those who mourn. Whether the poems chosen are mournful or inspirational and uplifting, they can serve as an opportunity to reflect on the life of the deceased. Funeral poems can help us search for meaning in the loss and can bring us into a state of contemplation. Poetry reading is a communal experience: it allows everybody who is present to share a profound moment together.

Therapeutic Benefits

Poetry can also be useful after the ceremony, in the weeks, months, even years after the loss of a loved one. Studies suggest that any form of reading can be therapeutic and poems can be especially useful because of its contemplative, even spiritual, qualities. The grief journey is not linear. Long after the loved one has passed, sporadic periods of intense grief can crop up. During these difficult times, it might be useful to consider reading some poems. The poetryfoundation.org is a great place to start.

Writing Your Own Poems

In addition to reading, you may also find it helpful to write some poems of your own. Grief experts consider grief journaling to be a healthy way to channel painful emotions. In many ways, writing poems can function as a sophisticated form of journaling. Writing is a healthy means of self-expression that allows you to better process your thoughts and to comprehend what you are feeling. The great poet Robert Frost once said, “Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words.” In short, poems helps us to better understand our emotions. Understanding what we feel is incredibly useful during times of grief, when we experience confusing or paradoxical emotions. Mourning through creative imagery can be incredibly cathartic. By putting your feelings into words, you open the door to self-discovery.

Using Poetry as a Place of Refuge

Not all of the poems that you use during the grieving process have to deal directly with death. Poetry can be an effective outlet for dealing with painful emotions. Additionally, it can also provide a refuge from the pain and stress that comes after a loss. Taking a few moments out of your day to read some soothing poems can be refreshing. Consider going to a favorite spot, where you can read or write peacefully without distractions. You may find that this activity calms your mind and relieves stress.

Try It!

If you have recently lost a loved one, consider utilizing poetry to help you on your grief journey. Whether you’re thinking about incorporating poems into a funeral service, looking for poems to read personally, or considering writing some poems of your own, find ways to take advantage of the benefits that poetry can offer.

 

How Do Actions Help Us Heal?

By Dr. Wolfelt Videos, Meaningful Funerals No Comments

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt examines some of the actions that help make a ceremony more special and meaningful.

Elements of action bring meaning to the people involved in the experience. Through active participation in rituals, we form a strong bond with the people around us. Some examples of action in the funeral service include the following:

Receiving Lines

Receiving friends and family individually provides the family with an opportunity to greet each guest and receive comfort and condolences.

Group Readings

Scriptures or insightful poems shed light on the life of a loved one and help to express emotions about the loss. When read aloud as a group, readings activate our hearts and our minds and unite us in a shared experience.

Lowering the Body

The act of gently putting the body to rest allows us to fully acknowledge the reality of the death and to honor the precious body of our loved one.

The Procession

Accompanying the body to the final resting place gives the broader community an opportunity to share a powerful experience and to honor a loved one.

When these actions are combined with music and symbols, they form the “sweet spot” of a rich and meaningful funeral experience.


Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at nowww.centerforloss.com.

 

The Importance of Symbols

By Dr. Wolfelt Videos, Meaningful Funerals No Comments

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt talks about the value of symbols during a time of loss.

Symbols Convey Love

When words are inadequate, we often use symbols that express our love. For example, people will often send flowers or food to a family after hearing about the passing of a loved one. These symbols help us to support each other when words fail. Kind words are important, but it is often beneficial to accompany these with a representation of love and support.

Symbols Facilitate Expression

In addition to showing support, symbols also facilitate natural expression. The ultimate symbol at a funeral is the precious body of a loved one that animated life. Another example is the headstone, a symbol that we can return to again and again, even generations after a loss to honor those who have gone before us.

Symbols Aren’t About Logic

Symbols shouldn’t be tied down to literal or logical interpretation. We all know that flowers die. This doesn’t mean that they aren’t a powerful symbol of life. It may not seem like the family needs another tuna casserole when they already have a mountain of food…but that isn’t the point. It’s not about giving a logical gift, it’s about what the gift represents. Symbols provide meaning and communicate emotions that words fail to capture.


Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

How do Readings Enhance the Funeral Experience?

By Dr. Wolfelt Videos, Funeral Poems, Meaningful Funerals 2 Comments

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt discusses the purpose of readings in a funeral setting. Group readings contribute to the service in meaningful ways:

Speak to “Word People”

A good funeral ceremony incorporates many different elements to reach a wide variety of people and to offer a unique way of honoring the life of an individual. Music, symbols, actions, and readings each offer a special touch to the service. Some people respond strongly to the written word, and these mourners benefit greatly from a public reading.

Help Us Search for Meaning in Loss

Often, the words read at a funeral bring mourners into a state of contemplation because the words relate very specifically to the life of a loved one and to the meaning that he or she brought into people’s lives. In addition, familiar readings can bring continuity to families. Similar readings may be passed down from funeral to funeral within a family, and this familiarity can bring a level of comfort.

Activate Support

The readings chosen for a funeral service often stress the necessity of support. When groups read together at a service, we are reminded that we are not alone, and that we can fall back on a network of caring people. It is essential that those who are beginning the grieving process are provided with a sense of love and security from the people around them.

 


Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

What is the Hierarchy of Needs After Losing a Loved One?

By Dr. Wolfelt Videos, Meaningful Funerals No Comments

Dr. Wolfelt has spent decades studying across cultures and age groups to discover the universal purposes that funerals serve. He has concluded that the funeral serves six functions, and that people have had funerals for these reasons since the beginning of human history.

  1. Reality
  2. Recall
  3. Support
  4. Expression
  5. Meaning
  6. Transcendence

For more information on the six reasons that people have funerals, visit the article, “Why Do We Have Funeral?

 


Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

 

What is the Difference Between Grief and Mourning?

By Dr. Wolfelt Videos, Meaningful Funerals 4 Comments

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt discusses the difference between grief and mourning, two terms often conflated.

Grief is Internal

While they are often used interchangeably, the words grief and mourning contain a subtle but important difference. The term grief refers to our thoughts and feelings on the inside. After the loss of loved one, our initial, private response is grief. We feel bereaved, which means “torn apart.” Mourning is the next step in the process.

Mourning is External

Mourning is the shared, social response to loss, or “grief gone public.” Mourning takes our internal grief and externalizes it in the form of an action, a symbol, a ceremony, or a ritual that activates social support. It is essential for creating forward movement in a state of grief. Without external mourning, grief turns into “carried grief.”

The Function of the Funeral

A good funeral helps us to begin mourning by externalizing our feelings. It offers us a “good beginning” and moves us from grief to mourning, from solitude to community. This is a necessary part of the journey to healing. It is important that we find an outward channel for our grief, an opportunity to mourn publicly. By coming together with a group of people to express our honest feelings, we find a healthy way to release these feelings. We also find love, support, and encouragement in each other, and we find the strength to begin our journey through grief.


Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

 

The 6 Needs of Mourning

By Dr. Wolfelt Videos, Meaningful Funerals No Comments

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt explains the six “yield signs,” or needs that a person has when a loved one dies.

Funerals are rites of initiation that help people to get off to a good start after a painful loss. There are 6 steps to this process:

1. Acknowledge the Reality that Someone has Died

It is important that we allow the fact of death to sink in. If the loss is not fully accepted as a new reality, then there is no way to move forward. Once reality has been acknowledged, we can begin the healing process.

2. Befriend the Pain of Loss

Instead of shaming feelings of sadness or protest, we need to cultivate an environment in which these emotions are welcome. These feelings are authentic and healthy, and to suppress or stifle them is counterproductive to the process of healing.

3. Remember the Person Who has Died

An essential element of the funeral is remembrance. Stepping back, recalling the life, and sharing memories helps us to realize how we are touched by this person’s life, and it helps to establish the loved one’s legacy.

4. Develop a New Sense of Identity

We all have mirrors in our life that remind us of who we are. But after a death, we experience identity diffusion, a sort of confusion about who we are and the purpose that we serve in the greater scheme of things. At this point, we need to work to develop a new idea of who we are going to be. A good funeral helps us with identity diffusion. It allows us to realize that the world will be different without our loved one in it and gives us support as we begin to view the world through a new lens.

5. Search for Meaning in the Loss

The funeral provides a place to begin to search for new meaning. Those who do not search do not find, and the process of searching is more important than getting simple answers for everything. We must remember that it’s okay not to have all the answers. Death is a mystery, and mysteries can be pondered, but not explained. What’s important is that we gather together to search.

6. Have Ongoing Support Long After the Death

Having a funeral encourages people to support you not only in the present, but in the future as well. A funeral activates our support network, inviting loved ones and our wider community to check in on us in the coming months and years.


Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

 

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