Sympathy flowers are a great way to show support to a family that is grieving the loss of a loved one. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt tells us, symbols such as flowers convey love, facilitate expression, provide meaning, and communicate emotions that words fail to capture.
Funeral flowers are symbolic of certain emotions, and while the general message of a sympathy flower will be understood in any context, individual types of flowers can communicate slightly different meanings. For this reason, we’ve decided to explore the meanings of seven of the most popular types of funeral flowers.
Lily: This lovely flower usually blooms in summer, and is often interpreted as a symbol of renewal and rebirth. The lily can be a powerful symbol of the spirit of a loved one that offers hope and encouragement to a grieving family. The idea of rebirth and renewal is particularly applicable to faith-based services. The white color of the lily also carries associations with purity and youth, making it a good choice for the funeral of someone who has died young.
Rose: This enormously popular flower has very different meanings associated with different colors. Like the lily, white roses tend to represent purity and innocence. Peach roses represent sincerity and gratitude, and can be given to a family whose loved one has blessed your life. Pink roses also indicate gratitude. The yellow rose is a symbol of friendship that expresses your support. All of these colors of roses make great sympathy gifts for a grieving family.
Carnation: The carnation is a symbol of love. Some people believe that the word “carnation” came from “incarnation,” the Latin word that refers to God in the flesh. With this in mind, a carnation could be given as a gift to a family to honor a life that reflected the spirit of Christ. More generally, it can be used to express love for the family or for the loved one who has passed. And since the carnation is the traditional flower of Mother’s Day, it can be a great choice to honor the life of a person who was a great mother to her children.
Hyacinth: The purple hyacinth is a popular symbol of sorrow and regret. For a funeral setting, this expression is certainly appropriate. Sometimes, a simple acknowledgement of the family’s grief is enough. Instead of attempting to comfort the family with clichés such as “Keep your head up,” and “God wouldn’t give you anything more than you can bear,” allow yourself to accept the reality of their grief, and communicate your sympathy. Let them know that you are aware of their suffering and that you care. The purple hyacinth can communicate the pain that you feel upon hearing of their loss, and this simple sentiment is often just what the family needs.
Chrysanthemum: In America, this gorgeous flower has many meanings, but it is often used as an expression of support or an encouragement to “get well soon.” In many countries in Europe, the chrysanthemum is placed on graves and viewed as a symbol of death. Fusing the more positive American associations with the European emphasis on mourning, we find a perfect balance that applies to an end-of-life ceremony. A symbol of death and mourning, but also support and encouragement, the gift of the chrysanthemum is well-suited to a funeral setting.
Gladiolus: The gladiolus is a beautiful representation of strength and character. By giving a grieving family this flower, you essentially remind them what wonderful people they are and encourage them to persevere on their grief journey. As a sympathy gift, the gladiolus does not ignore the pain of loss, and it effectively communicates your compassion in a difficult time. But it is also an uplifting reminder of their strength and of the strength of their loved one, which motivates them as they enter into a difficult chapter of their lives.
Forget-Me-Not: The meaning of this flower shouldn’t be too difficult to decipher. An emblem of remembrance, the forget-me-not communicates this simple but essential message to a family: your loved one lives on in our memories. We tend to shy away from painful emotions, and for this reason, we often avoid the topic of a loved one’s death with the intention of sparing the family additional discomfort. We stay silent because we don’t want to remind the family of the loss of their loved one. While this approach is well-intended, it’s often unhelpful. Tell stories, share memories, and talk about the positive attributes of the loved one. Remind the family that their loved one has impacted the lives of others. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt says, we have to go backward before we can go forward, and remembering is a great way to take a healthy step back.
Music is an important element of a funeral ceremony because it helps us to process feelings that are difficult to put into words. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt tells us, music imprints itself on our hearts more than any other experience in life. For people of faith, these feelings are often best expressed in hymns, which are songs of devotion or praise to God. If you are looking for timeless songs of faith to honor the life of a loved one, you may want to consider using one of these 10 beautiful hymns.
10. It is Well With My Soul (written by Horatio Gates Spafford, 1873)
“When peace like a river attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
“It is well, it is well with my soul.”
Spafford’s devout hymn was composed in the midst of great tragedy. After sending his family ahead of him on a boat to England, he received a telegram from his wife informing him that their ship had sunk in the Atlantic and that his four daughters had all passed away. In the aftermath of the event, Spafford wrote one of the most memorable of all hymns. Devoid of bitterness, the song is a testament to the level of Spafford’s faith even in the worst of times. His firm belief in the return of the Lord, vividly described as a day when the clouds will be “rolled back as a scroll,” is a beautiful sentiment that and reminds Christian believers of the true home where loved ones reside.
9. Great is Thy Faithfulness (written by Thomas O. Chisolm, 1923)
“‘Great is Thy faithfulness!’ ‘Great is Thy faithfulness!’
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
‘Great is Thy faithfulness,’ Lord, unto me!”
After the loss of a loved one, people often experience disorientation and confusion. How do we respond to loss, and how do we find a way to continue to live our lives? So much changes when a loved one passes away, and the natural response is to look for something to cling to. The words of this 20th century hymn provide a reminder of the things that are constant in the world. People of faith will find great comfort in singing, “Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not, / As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.” While nothing can take away the pain of loss, this hymn reminds the mourner that some things in life always stay the same.
8. I Need Thee (written by Annie Hawks and Robert Lowry, 1872)
“I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior!
I come to Thee.”
“Every hour I need thee.” Not monthly, weekly, or daily. Hourly. The speaker requires the assistance of the Lord in every activity and situation to see it through to completion. Every step of the journey is difficult, and requires the presence of God. A cry of devotion in times of hardship, this 19th century favorite touches on themes of perseverance, faith, suffering, and comfort. For funeral attendees, it can be viewed as a request for God’s guidance through every stage of the grief journey. The knowledge of God’s presence is an encouragement to mourners as they prepare for a new way of life and set out on the road to healing.
7. Abide With Me (written by Henry Francis Lyte, 1847)
“Abide with me: fast falls the eventide;
the darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.”
Faced with tuberculosis and the knowledge of his impending death, the 54-year-old Henry Francis Lyte used his time of trial as an opportunity to write one of the most beautiful and well-loved of all hymns. Not surprisingly, it has become a popular choice for spiritual funerals. The fact that Lyte was so close to death’s door makes this reflection on mortality and his personal relationship with God all the more powerful. But the song appeals not only to those nearing the end of their lives, but also to mourners who are facing the end of a certain way of life: life with their loved one. Funeral audiences can identify with Lyte’s heartfelt request for God to stay with him as “the darkness deepens.”
6. ‘Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus (written by Louisa Stead, 1882)
“‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word;
Just to rest upon His promise;
…to know, Thus saith the Lord.”
Like most of the hymns on this list, this 19th century classic gives mourners a source of stability, a rock to lean on in times of hardship. Funeral audiences can find peace of mind in the knowledge that the stress, fear, and doubt that often accompany a loss are in the hands of a higher power. Stead suggests that there is no need to hold on to anything or to assume a heavy burden. Our sole responsibility is “Just from Jesus simply taking, / life, and rest, and joy, and peace.” While this assurance does not eradicate the pain of loss, it does provide some comfort and can serve to alleviate the irrational guilt, frustration, and stress that people often wrestle with on the road to recovery.
5. Guide Me, O Thou Great Redeemer (written by William Williams, 1745)
“Guide me, O thou great redeemer,
Pilgrim through this barren land;
I am weak, but thou art mighty,
Hold me with thy powerful hand.”
William Williams frames his most famous hymn in terms of a journey. Throughout all three stanzas, he asks God to guide him on his course. In the first stanza, he is a pilgrim wandering through a barren land. In the second, he uses imagery from Exodus 13, asking God to bring fire and a pillar of cloud to lead the way. And in the third, he is traveling across the Jordan to get to the land of Canaan. All three images correlate to the path that the mourner takes on his grief journey. Williams’ steadfast reliance on God during times of painful and frightening transition is relatable to mourners, making this three-and-a-half-century-old hymn as timely and relevant as the day it was written.
4. In the Sweet By and By (written by Sanford Fillmore Bennett, 1868)
“There’s a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there.”
An obvious choice for inclusion in any collection of comforting hymns, this hopeful and faith-driven song communicates a sense of peace to the listener by drawing upon imagery of another, happier land. For funeral audiences, the song’s use of the image of a faraway shore implies that loved ones are at peace with the Lord. While this knowledge doesn’t take away the pain that mourners feel, it offers some light during a difficult time. Bennett claims that after death, “our spirits shall sorrow no more, / Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.” This emphasis on rest and peace encourages loved ones and provides them with inner strength as they work through their grief.
3. Amazing Grace (written by John Newton, 1779)
“When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.”
Probably the most famous of all hymns, this song of redemption penned by a slave-trader-turned-abolitionist has captured the hearts of countless Christians. While certain stanzas dealing with sin and repentance may seem less suited to a funeral audience, the song’s reputation as a sort of anthem of Christianity makes it a great choice for any religious event. And there’s no doubt that the final stanza, with its beautiful depiction of the afterlife, will speak directly to the concerns of mourners. Amazing Grace taps into the essence of what it means to believe in God, and the universal love that believers bestow on it indicate that it is a powerful representation of the faith. For a funeral ceremony, you may want to consider singing at least a few stanzas of this masterpiece.
2. I’ll Fly Away (written by Albert E. Brumley, 1929)
“Just a few more weary days and then,
I’ll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I’ll fly away.”
This extremely popular gospel song speaks to our desire for peace. Brumley views death as a time of joy and rest, as opposed to this life, which he describes as “shadows,” “prison bars,” and “weary days.” By framing life’s transience in a positive light, the song encourages us to see the full scope of the drama, the larger picture. The troubles and pains of this life are but a tiny moment in time compared to the eternal land that awaits the speaker.
The upbeat melody conveys not only joy and peace, but also confidence and steadfastness: “I’ll fly away” is not spoken as a mere possibility to be entertained, but as a reality that the speaker is fixated upon with absolute conviction. To sing this familiar gospel song in a funeral setting is to feel the pain of absence while simultaneously receiving the assurance that the spirit of a loved one has “flown away” to be with the Lord.
1. Leaning on the Everlasting Arms (written by Anthony J. Showalter and Elisha Hoffman, 1887)
“What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.”
When it comes to comforting hymns, this beautiful song of surrender is unmatched. These three stanzas, accompanied by a simple refrain, contain everything that you could want in a song for a religious funeral: a gorgeous melody, a modest length, and reassuring words of peace. Leaning on the Everlasting Arms is to religious hymns what Psalm 23 is to religious writing. It is a perfect lyrical distillation of the human soul’s devotion to God. For mourners faced with the emotional exhaustion that accompanies the loss of a loved one, it’s a blessing to hear that one can lean on the everlasting arms of God and rest “safe and secure from all alarms.” The theme of security applies equally well to those who are living and to those who have passed on. God’s love and peace is available in the here and now, as well as in the hereafter.
Also known as a post-funeral reception, the gathering is a final opportunity to experience community with others and to offer support before returning home. The gathering allows friends to strengthen their relationships and to remind each other that they are not alone as they continue their grief journey.
Preparation
Gatherings usually include food and drink. Often, they are held in a family’s home, but it is not uncommon to have them in restaurants, churches, or event centers. Sometimes the family prepares the food for everyone who is invited, but if the family doesn’t feel up to the task, they can ask friends to help or can arrange for the food to be catered.
Transition
In some ways, the gathering is similar to the visitation, a time of communion and reflection that occurs before the funeral ceremony, although it is generally more casual. The funeral ceremony is often bracketed by these two events: a visitation that functions as a transition from the frantic pace of daily life to the contemplative mood of the ceremony, and a gathering to help people slowly transition back from ceremony to daily life. At the gathering, stories about the loved one are often shared. These stories may be inspiring and moving, or light and amusing. Tears and laughter both have a place at the event.
Support
Above all, the gathering is about support. It’s a time of fellowship that provides encouragement and comfort to the bereaved. To the family of the deceased, it’s a reminder that the loved one touched the lives of others, and that everyone is working together to help them get through the difficult time. The gathering is an essential element of a meaningful funeral that strengthens the bonds between those who mourn.
This is thy hour O Soul, thy free flight into the wordless,
Away from books, away from art, the day erased, the lesson done,
Thee fully forth emerging, silent, gazing, pondering the
themes thou lovest best,
Night, sleep, death and the stars.
Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul’s delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell’st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
“If I Can Stop One Heart from Breaking”
by Emily Dickinson
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
He has achieved success
who has lived well,
laughed often, and loved much;
who has enjoyed the trust of
pure women,
the respect of intelligent men and
the love of little children;
who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;
who has left the world better than he found it
whether by an improved poppy,
a perfect poem or a rescued soul;
who has never lacked appreciation of Earth’s beauty
or failed to express it;
who has always looked for the best in others and
given them the best he had;
whose life was an inspiration;
whose memory a benediction.
*This poem is often incorrectly attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, usually with the inclusion of the famous line: “To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
