christy.kessler, Author at Funeral Basics

Mar 26

Everything You Need to Know about Death Doulas

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Living Well

Have you heard about the growing use of death doulas for the terminally ill? No? Then you’re in luck. We’re going to take a look at what death doulas are, how they help individuals and families, why it’s a growing practice, and more. Let’s get started!

What is a death doula?

You may have heard of a birth doula – a woman who walks alongside a new mother from before birth, through birth, and then following the birth. Well, a death doula does much the same, but for death rather than birth.

Also called death midwives, end-of-life coaches, or even transition guides, these doulas take a holistic approach. They are trained to focus on the physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects of death, leaving medical to healthcare professionals. Their overall goal is to normalize the experience of death for everyone involved, taking it from an uncomfortable experience to one filled with rich, sweet memories.

So, what do death doulas actually do?

Though many death doulas are medically trained, their focus is not medical care. Instead, they work in partnership with hospice palliative care to ensure that your loved one’s whole person is taken care of on the path toward death. One of their main concerns is to help the terminally ill person have a good death, whatever that may look like. For some, it may mean being surrounded by family; for others, it might mean watching a favorite movie and then sitting quietly with their most treasured people.

In addition to helping people take a measure of control over death by defining what a good death looks like to them, a few other things that death doulas help their clients and families with are:

Suggesting ideas for optimal comfort, including giving massages, holding hands, etc.
Providing spiritual, emotional, or social support to both the dying and their family
Simply being with the dying person, whether to listen, stay silent, read a book aloud, watch tv, whatever they want
Educating both the terminally ill person and their family about the process of dying so that they know what’s coming and what to expect
Working on legacy projects with the dying, like writing letters to loved ones, taking family photos, creating gifts, writing down life experiences, etc.
Offering consistent presence during the final days, easing any fear or anxiety that the dying person may feel and allowing family to take much-needed breaks
Encouraging the dying to take care of estate planning, such as completing a will
If the family wants, a doula can help plan a funeral or memorial service or provide grief support

Because death doulas often take a holistic approach, they will be familiar with home vigils, wakes, and even natural or green burial options, if these are of interest to you (they will work in tandem with a local funeral home). However, the doula will not pressure you into any decisions; their job is to find out what the dying person wants and advocate for that.

Why is this practice growing?

In many ways, death has become sterile and impersonal, often occurring in hospitals or nursing home care facilities. As a culture, we have come to avoid death. This tendency can cause those who are dying to feel more alone and isolated. With the aging Baby Boomer generation, it’s likely that there will be a rise in the need for alternative care services that may allow more people to stay at home during the end-of-life phase or provide care at hospice or other care facilities. Death doulas may be an answer to fill in the gap needed for end-of-life care. A hospice nurse can only come at certain times to assist while a death doula can be much more available to assist the family, even after the death has occurred.

How do you hire a death doula?

It’s an individualized process. Some doulas have private practices while others work in connection with hospices, hospitals, or other community organizations. But no matter how you find a doula, you should sit down and interview them first. After all, if the doula is going to walk through weeks or even months with you and be privy to intimate details of your family’s life, you’ll want to choose someone you feel comfortable with, who honors your personal beliefs, and is trustworthy.

Before securing the services of a doula, you can review what types of assistance you want (which days/hours of the week, cooking meals, sitting with the dying person, working on legacy projects, etc.). Most often the doula will tailor their work to suit your needs and preferences. So, go over everything before you sign anything. Also, a conversation about compensation will need to occur, with the doula letting you know their current rates. Each doula sets their own rates, so you will simply need to ask.

What kind of training do doulas have?

While the practice is currently unregulated, there are associations that offer certifications. A few learning institutions that offer training are the International End of Life Doula Association (INELDA), Larner College of Medicine at the University of Vermont, International Doulagivers Institute, and Lifespan Doula Association (LDA). While the programs at each institution vary, most death doulas receive 6-9 months of training before they receive a certification.

Janie Rakow, the president of INELDA, says this about the role of a death doula: “We journey with the person who’s dying and their family to help them navigate through the whole end-of-life process. Although hospice is wonderful in the death and dying field, they don’t have the hours and hours and hours that the doulas have to really, deeply, get into this work. It’s kind of an adjunct to hospice where we’re there for them [the dying] to provide emotional, spiritual, and physical support.”

Is a death doula right for your family?

It’s entirely up to you. Look at your support network. Decide if your friends and neighbors will help you through a loved one’s terminal illness. Ask yourself questions: Do I want help? Do I want help from someone I know? Or, would I like to bring in someone with specialized training? Do I have the funds to pay for a doula’s services? Also, talk with the person who is dying and get their thoughts. Do they want someone who will offer consistent support? Do they have projects they want to complete?

Whatever you decide is best for your family is the right thing to do. Right now, most families don’t utilize the services of a death doula. However, if this sounds like just what your family needs, start putting out feelers in your community. You may find just the right person to journey with you.

Mar 25

Love0

Explore the 4 Building Blocks of Ancient Egyptian Funeral Customs

By christy.kessler History of Funerals

Egypt has a long and well-documented history. If you’re like many people, Ancient Egypt brings to mind sandy deserts, grand pyramids, powerful pharaohs, creepy mummies, and priceless antiquities. As you envision the Great Pyramids of Giza, it’s impossible to forget a well-publicized and intriguing Ancient Egyptian funeral custom – mummification. While we don’t practice mummification anymore, it still holds a certain fascination for us.

It’s often the Old Kingdom, Middle Kingdom, and New Kingdom periods that we most closely associate with Egyptian history. These Kingdom periods include:

the height of mummification practices
the creation of the Valley of the Kings
the rule of pharaohs like Tutankhamun
the expansion of Egypt’s territories and wealth

Let’s take a walk through history and learn about a few Ancient Egyptian funeral customs that dominated their long history. Let’s go!

The Role of the Afterlife

Every aspect of Ancient Egyptian funeral customs revolved around the afterlife. They believed that carrying out funeral practices specifically and fully was necessary to ensuring immortality after death. For them, the afterlife was a place called The Field of Reeds, and you could only enter this place if you were deemed worthy in the Hall of Truth. Essentially, a person’s heart was weighed against the goddess Ma’at’s white feather, and if the heart was lighter than her feather, the soul would continue to The Field of Reeds.

However, there was a caveat. If a person’s body had not been properly buried and all the funerary rites followed, then that person would be unable to reach paradise. This is why Ancient Egyptians placed such a high regard on completing each aspect of their complex funeral customs. While funeral practices started out simple with shallow graves and minimal (if any) mummification in the early days, the practices became more complex over time. By the time of the Old, Middle, and New Kingdoms, funeral practices had become quite elaborate and widespread.

The 4 Building Blocks of Ancient Egyptian Funeral Customs

Mummifying the Body

While mummification has ceased as a practice in most countries of the world, we do regularly practice other forms of preservation, like embalming. In Ancient Egypt, mummification was the way to go. Because the preservation of the body was essential to the afterlife, they did not practice any form of cremation.

The full mummification process took 70 days and was very intricate. For a detailed account of mummification, click here. While mummification was most common amongst the wealthy – like kings, priests, and nobility – a simplified form was available to the poor. Where the wealthy would use linen bandages to wrap the body and place it in a stone sarcophagus, the poor would use their own old clothes to wrap the body and place it in the simplest of graves.

Also, interestingly, archeologists have recently discovered evidence that funeral homes (of a sort) existed in Ancient Egypt. They focused on mummification and burial. You can learn more about this new discovery by clicking here.

Including Spiritual Elements and a Remembrance Service

After mummification was complete, a great procession was gathered to escort the body to the tomb. Today, we still take part in the practice of accompanying the body to its final resting place. However, back then, it was a more elaborate event and often included professional mourners called the Kites of Nephthys. Perhaps the most important part of the graveside service was the Opening of the Mouth Ceremonyv. Using spells and incantations from the Book of the Dead, a priest would ceremonially touch different areas of the body. Without this ritual, the person would be unable to breathe, eat, drink, talk, or move freely in the afterlife.

Following the Opening of the Mouth Ceremony, priests recited a few more prayers and sealed the tomb. At this time, the mourners took time to celebrate the life of the departed with a feast, often held right beside the grave. Even the poorest Egyptian was given some kind of ceremony because it was believed that an improperly buried person would return as a ghost to haunt the living. Gives you shivers, doesn’t it? They certainly took things very seriously!

It’s also worth noting that Ancient Egyptians understood the importance of remembrance activities. They would regularly visit the family tomb, write letters to loved ones and leave them at the tomb, or keep busts of loved ones in the home to encourage their spirits to visit.

Providing Grave Goods

In preparation for the afterlife, people were buried with grave goods. Besides your body and the ability to eat, drink, breathe, talk, and move, what else do you need to set up a home in the afterlife? Household goods and treasures, of course! This meant including pots, combs, stone vessels, figurines, beads, amulets, and much more in the tomb. One of the most famous finds was King Tutankhamun’s tomb in 1922. Sadly, most tombs were looted by grave robbers long before any modern-day archeologists could explore them, but despite that, we’ve still learned a great deal about Ancient Egyptian funeral practices. The grave goods included were dependent on the wealth of the person who died.

Preparing a Final Resting Place

Ancient Egypt gave humanity some of the most spectacular and memorable final resting places, like the Great Pyramids and the Valley of the Kings. Filled with grave goods, hieroglyphics, and even mummies sometimes, Egyptian tombs have long been an archeologist’s dream and have given us a glimpse in what life was like in Ancient Egypt. While the tombs did not remain undisturbed for long due to grave robbers, the tombs do provide a long-lasting memorial. After all, thousands of years later, we are still talking about Tutankhamun, Ramses, and Nefertiti, amongst others.

Cemeteries provide the same function for us today, though thankfully, we don’t have to worry about grave robbing anymore. Instead, a cemetery provides a quiet, tranquil place to remember the person we love and feel close to them once more. To learn more about the benefits of a permanent memorial, click here.

As you can see, for millennia, humanity has felt the need to mourn and remember loved ones while also participating in healing rituals. We definitely do things differently now – definitely no more spells or secret incantations – but the purpose of the funeral remains the same. We want to honor those we love. Remember their lives. Celebrate them. And look forward to seeing them again someday.

Mar 15

Love0

Easter Meditations for the Grieving Heart

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

After the loss of a loved one, you may feel a little lost and alone, clinging to your faith in God, despite present circumstances. You may even be struggling this Easter to trust in God’s love, to rely on His promises, or to believe He’s right there with you. But don’t forget what Easter is all about – it’s about Jesus conquering death and bringing hope to all who believe in Him. As you wrestle through your feelings of grief this Easter, set aside some time to sit quietly, think, pray, and meditate on peaceful, uplifting thoughts.

This Easter, we have gathered a few readings to bring comfort as you process your feelings about loss and faith. We hope that you take courage and hope from these words and remember that God is with you every step of the way.

Scripture Verses

Psalm 23 (English Standard Version)

Psalm 23 is one of the most well-known passages in the Bible. If you are grieving a loss, it may feel like you are going through the “valley of the shadow of death” that David describes in Psalm 23. Yet this scripture reminds us that even in our darkest times, God is with us, walking right next to us. And just as He did not leave his Son in the tomb, He will not leave us in the valley of grief. He prepares a table before us, showers us with goodness and mercy, and draws us to Himself so that our joy will be full.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

1 Corinthians 15: 51 – 57 (New Living Translation)

Easter is about hope and restoration. Losing a loved one reminds us how fragile and fleeting life is. But hope reminds us that we will one day be reunited with those we love. As 1 Corinthians 15 reminds us, death does not last forever. Jesus has conquered death and the grave!

But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed!It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed. For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.

Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?”

For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Romans 8: 35, 37 – 39 (New Living Translation)

The loss of someone you love may have left a gaping hole in your heart that feels like it can never be filled. Questions and doubts about God’s love may rise up. Anger and disappointment at God can drive you further from peace. This passage in Romans reminds us that nothing, not even death, can separate us from God’s love. Though you may feel far away from His love in the moment, there is nothing in creation that can separate you from His love. Jesus’ death and resurrection on Easter morning has made sure of it.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Poems & Quotes

Poems and quotes can speak volumes and give our minds little nuggets of wisdom to treasure. Here are just a few selections for Easter poems that we hope speak to your grieving heart and bring comfort and peace.

Easter Joy (by Joanna Fuchs)

Jesus came to earth,
To show us how to live,
How to put others first,
How to love and how to give.

Then He set about His work,
That God sent Him to do;
He took our punishment on Himself;
He made us clean and new.

He could have saved Himself,
Calling angels from above,
But He chose to pay our price for sin;
He paid it out of love.

Our Lord died on Good Friday,
But the cross did not destroy
His resurrection on Easter morn
That fills our hearts with joy.

Now we know our earthly death,
Like His, is just a rest.
We’ll be forever with Him
In heaven, where life is best.

So we live our lives for Jesus,
Think of Him in all we do.
Thank you Savior; Thank you Lord.
Help us love like you!

Life’s Daily Doses (by Lenora McWhorter)

Life is measured in daily doses
Of trials and pleasures each.
Day by day grace is dispensed
To meet our immediate needs.
Comfort comes to the weary
We find that which we seek.
A bridge is built at the river
And power is given to the weak.
One day’s load we have to bear
As we travel on life’s way.
Wisdom is given for the occasion
And strength to equal each day.
We are never required to stagger
Under tomorrow’s heavy load.
We journey one day at a time
As we travel life’s rugged road.
God’s mercy is new every morning
And His faithfulness is sure.
God perfects all that concerns us
And by our faith, we will endure.

Celebrate Our Savior (by Joanna Fuchs)

On Easter morn, we celebrate our Savior;
Whatever people seek in Him, they find.
In history, there has never been another
So holy, sacrificial, good and kind.

His resurrection makes us all immortal;
In heaven, we’ll be together with our King.
Eternally we’ll share in all His blessings;
Happy Easter! Jesus Christ is everything!

Quotes

The very first Easter taught us this: that life never ends and love never dies. -Kate McGahan

We proclaim the resurrection of Christ when his light illuminates the dark moments of our existence. -Pope Francis

God loves each of us as if there were only one of us. -Saint Augustine

The greatest gift of Easter is hope. -Basil Hume

Music & Lyrics

Finally, music can speak to us in a way that gets past our mind’s defenses and goes straight to our hearts. These classic hymns are reminders of all that Jesus accomplished on Easter morning.

Amazing Grace (John Newton)

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I am found
Was blind, but now I see

‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares
We have already come
‘Twas grace has brought us safe thus far
And grace will lead us home

When we’ve been there ten thousand years
Bright, shining as the sun
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’ve first begun

Because He Lives (Bill & Gloria Gaither)

How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and the joy that he gives
Oh but greater still, the calm assurance
We can face uncertain days because He lives

And because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth a living just because He lives

And then one day, I’ll cross that river
I’ll fight life’s final war with pain
And then as death gives way to victory
I’ll see the lights of glory and I’ll know He reigns

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth a living just because He lives

May these words of hope, of death conquered, of life with God, give you hope and encouragement as you grieve the loss of someone dear to you. God is near, and He will not leave your side.

Mar 01

Love0

8 Pallbearer Etiquette Tips

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals

Participating in a funeral as a pallbearer is a time-honored tradition and a sign of trust. It’s both an honor and a responsibility. After all, you have been asked to accompany a dearly loved person to their final resting place, which means the family trusts and values you. However, if this is your first time acting as a pallbearer, you may feel a little unsure of the dos and don’ts of pallbearer etiquette. We’ve got you covered! Let’s review 8 tips for pallbearer etiquette.

1. Understand the honor you’ve been given

Carrying the casket is a privilege that should be treated with poise, respect, and dignity. By asking you to participate, the family is showing how much they value your role in their loved one’s life. If for some reason you think you won’t be able to complete the duties of a pallbearer, don’t be afraid to turn it down. Some common reasons for not accepting the responsibility are that you are unable to attend the funeral, unable to carry the casket (the casket alone can weigh up to 500 pounds), or you’re feeling very emotional about the loss and feel unable to do it well.

2. Arrive at the expected time (don’t be late!)

Make sure to arrive at the funeral events at the expected time (or early!). This will ensure that you are present for all aspects of the funeral and give you time to talk with the family or funeral director about your pallbearer duties. While there will be six or eight pallbearers in total, it’s best for everyone to arrive on time, identify each other, and be on the same page to ensure everything runs smoothly.

3. Talk to the family or funeral director about expectations

Every funeral is different. For some funerals, you will help carry the casket from the funeral service to the funeral car and from the funeral car to the graveside service. For other services, you may be expected to carry the casket into the building, set it down for the service, and then out to the funeral car afterward. To keep things simple, take a few moments to talk to the family or the funeral director to get a good sense of what’s expected of you and where you need to be when. Sometimes, there’s a special place for pallbearers to sit during the service. Make sure to stay with the group if this is the case.

4. Dress appropriately

Unless there’s a theme for the funeral as part of the personalization, then it’s generally expected for pallbearers to wear dark and modest clothing. For men, dark suits with ties work well; for women, a dark dress or pant suit. Everyone should wear comfortable shoes to ensure easy movement and extra stability when walking over uneven ground. If you are active or retired military, you might consider wearing your uniform, but ask the family first.

5. Watch your step

Because you are sharing this responsibility with five to seven other pallbearers, make sure that you walk slowly and evenly. Stay in step with the other pallbearers, going at a steady pace. It would be terrible if someone were to stumble while carrying the casket. By taking it slow, you reduce the possibility that an accident will happen.

6. Be dependable

The last thing the grieving family needs is an absentee pallbearer, so make sure that you are dependable and responsible. If you’re unable to commit, let the family know that you are unable to participate. Once you accept, the family is counting on you to take part in a poignant and meaningful moment and help make the funeral a healing experience. Be there when they need you, do what’s expected, and everything will work out just fine.

7. Turn off or silence your phone

It’s disruptive to hear the shrill sound of a cell phone in a silent movie theater. Imagine if your phone is going off while you’re carrying the casket, and it’s extremely awkward to fumble for your phone while balancing the weight of the casket. Instead, take a few moments before the service to silence or turn off your phone out of respect for the person who has died and their family.

8. Stick around for a bit

Just as the bridal party is expected to stick around after the wedding to help with clean-up, it’s generally expected that pallbearers will stay after all services are complete to ensure there’s nothing the family needs. During this time, offer your condolences and support. Ask if there’s anything you can assist with (like taking flowers or personal items to vehicles). Once the family lets you know that they’re good, feel free to head out.

As a pallbearer, you’ve been given an opportunity to serve the family and pay your respects through a meaningful and healing action. Take it in and consider your pallbearer duties an act of love and respect. Don’t stress about your role – the family has everything planned and organized. If you have any questions at all, simply ask the family or the funeral director. You can do this!

Mar 01

Love0

5 Alternative Methods of Final Disposition

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

Choosing which method of final disposition is right for you is a very personal decision. For some, burial is most desirable, while for others, cremation is best. There is no wrong decision – only the best decision for you and your family, based on your values. That said, some alternative final disposition options do exist. While these are not the most common choices, they may be right for you and your family. After all, it’s always helpful to know your options. Let’s review them together.

5 Alternative Methods of Final Disposition

Natural/Green Burial

Both green and natural burials focus on allowing the decomposition process to occur naturally. This means that there is no (or very limited) embalming, a biodegradable coffin or shroud is used, and there is no outer burial container. However, there are differences pertaining to the place of burial. For a green burial, the body must be buried at a cemetery specifically sanctioned for green burial that is maintained without the use of herbicides, pesticides, or irrigation. On the other hand, a natural burial can take place on private land (subject to regulations) or in any cemetery that allows for vault-free burial.

Water Cremation

With water cremation (also called alkaline hydrolysis), the body is placed in a pressurized steel container with a solution that is 95% percent water and 5% potassium hydroxide before being heated to 350 degrees. The body breaks down until only the bones remain. In essence, water cremation speeds up natural decomposition by about 20 years. Like traditional cremation, the bones are ground into a powder and given to the family for memorialization. This method is not available in all states yet. To determine if water cremation is an option for you, speak with a funeral professional.

Burial at Sea

Burial at sea has a long history and is one of the oldest types of funeral ceremony. Today, there are two ways to request burial at sea: through the U.S. Navy or through a civilian charter company. Both full-body burial and scattering are available options. As a specialized service, burial at sea is subject to very specific regulations, so it’s best to prepare ahead of time with a funeral professional and make sure that all the details are taken care of according to your wishes.

Anatomical Donation

Anatomical donation typically refers to the donation of the whole body to medical or scientific research. However, in some ways, anatomical donation is not a true final disposition. After the research is complete, they cremate the body and return the ashes to the family. At that time, the family must decide how to honor the cremated remains, whether by burial, scattering, placement in a niche, or some other means. However, if you wish to help further scientific advancements, this may be a great option. Click here to learn more in-depth information about the anatomical donation process.

Recomposition

A new option currently only available in Washington, Colorado, and Oregon is the process of recomposition. In simple terms, the deceased body lies outdoors in a protected area, covered with natural materials like straw or wood chips. The straw or wood chips hasten the rate of decomposition. Once the body breaks down, it becomes part of the soil. Then, the soil goes to the family, who can decide which memorial option is best for them. For instance, they could plant a memorial tree. While composting the human body won’t be right for everyone, for some, it may offer a method of final disposition that meets their core values, especially if they want an option that is less harsh to the environment.

No Matter What, Remember the Importance of Ceremony

No matter which method of final disposition you choose, remember the importance of celebrating life. Every one of us is unique, and our lives are worth remembering. According to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, respected grief counselor and educator, “People who take the time and make the effort to create meaningful funeral arrangements when someone loved dies often end up making new arrangements in their own lives. They remember and reconnect with what is most meaningful to them in life…strengthen bonds with family members and friends. They emerge changed, more authentic and purposeful. The best funerals remind us how we should live.”

The end goal of a healing and meaningful funeral or memorial service is to give people the opportunity to confront their emotions and begin the grief journey on the right foot. Personalization is key to a meaningful ceremony. The ceremony itself accurately reflects the life of the one who has died and touches the hearts of those who mourn. And because the ceremony is meaningful, because it is personal, mourners experience healing. After the funeral, they start their own individual grief journey. This journey may take weeks, months, or even years, depending on the degree of loss. But it all starts with a personalized ceremony – a healing and meaningful funeral or memorial service.

No matter where your body finds its final rest, remember to give others the opportunity to mourn you, remember you, and most of all, celebrate who you are and what you mean to them.

Feb 22

Love0

What is Compounded Grief?

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

There are times when the normal feelings of grief become even more difficult to cope with. This may be because of previous life experiences, the nature of the relationship and family dynamics, current mental state, or the way the loved one died or is dying. Whatever the reason, grief can sometimes take a turn for the worse and may require the help of a professional therapist. The four most common variations of the grief experience are disenfranchised grief, complicated grief, compounded (or cumulative) grief, and anticipatory grief. Let’s look at compounded grief so that you have a better understanding of why this type of grief may be more difficult for the mourner.

First, Let’s Define Normal Grief

Before we dive into compounded grief, it’s important that you understand what normal grief looks like. Put simply, grief is your natural human response to the loss of someone or something you love. The emotions of grief vary greatly – sadness, anger, guilt, relief, shock – but these are all normal responses to loss. As much as you may prefer not to feel or deal with these types of emotions, they are actually a healthy part of the grieving process. When these emotions of grief become overwhelming, trigger deep depression, substance abuse, or suicidal thoughts, or are extreme or prolonged to the point that the mourner cannot care for themselves, we all understand that something more than normal grief is at work.

Grief is often accompanied by age-old rituals that bring people together to mourn. We hold hands, offer words of support and love, send cards and flowers, make donations, and deliver hot meals to the grieving family. We stand together to support those who are grieving and give them emotional and physical support as they come to terms with the loss. But what happens if one loss after another keeps piling up without giving you time to process what you think or feel?

Enter Compounded Grief

As we move forward, we’re going to review several key aspects of compounded grief. We’ll start off with a definition before moving into who’s susceptible, the complications compounded grief can bring, and a few tips for processing through compounded grief.

A Quick Definition

In short, compounded grief, also known as cumulative grief, is a pile-on effect of grief or “grief overload.” It may mean losing several loved ones in a short period of time. It may mean losing a loved one, then a relationship, then a job, then a pet, then a natural disaster hits and damages your home, etc. The losses can come from various sectors, but put together, it’s a big pile of grief and loss to deal with.

Additionally, losses you have not been able to process or face yet (even if they are from years ago) can add to the compounded nature of your grief. This is one reason why it’s so important to deal with your thoughts and emotions surrounding every type of loss, so they don’t create a tangled web of emotion that’s difficult to unravel.

Who’s Susceptible?

It’s possible for anyone to encounter compounded grief, but there are certain groups that have an increased likelihood: the elderly, healthcare professionals, and trauma survivors. Let’s break this down a little.

With the elderly, advanced age makes it more likely that they will have more friends and family die in a shorter period of time. For healthcare professionals, especially those in hospice care, the ER, or ICU, death may be a regular occurrence. As they see patients die, the losses and the emotions can pile up. And finally, trauma survivors who may be dealing with years of pent-up grief over past pain may feel unequipped to deal with new losses.

Now, remember, anyone can encounter compounded grief. These three groups are just at increased risk. No matter your age, you can experience a cascade of losses – loved one, friendship, job, pet, relationship, etc. – and you can begin to feel an overload of grief.

Complications that Arise from Compounded Grief

As with disenfranchised grief and complicated grief, there are certain complications that are unique to compounded grief. Let’s review them.

1. A tendency toward avoidance

When experiencing multiple losses in a relatively short period of time, your natural inclination may be to shut down emotionally and avoid thinking about or dealing with the pain. You may feel extreme fatigue for a prolonged time. Yet another loss piled on to existing losses may trigger depression or suicidal thoughts. You may not know what to do or how to get out of the rut, so you avoid your feelings altogether. However, this is the last thing you need to do. Avoidance prolongs your grief, and as more losses occur down the line (and they will), your grief is only compounded more.

2. Watch out for numbing activities

Because avoidance is common with compounded grief, be on the lookout for numbing activities. In other words, things you do to avoid dealing with the grief directly. Common numbing activities include excessive alcohol consumption, binge-watching TV, online gaming (even the ones on your smartphone), and substance abuse. Additionally, outbursts of misplaced anger, blame, and overreactions to others’ comments or actions can become more common. While these coping mechanisms may seem to ease the pain in the moment, they can be harmful to yourself and others. It is important to ask yourself if your coping mechanism is helping you or hurting you even more in the long run.

3. A strain on your faith

For some, experiencing loss after loss can lead to questioning faith in God. You may feel like you are being punished or find yourself asking how God could allow this much struggle and pain. If you feel shaken in your faith, it’s okay. God is not surprised by your feelings, and He’s not offended by them. Be honest about how you feel–don’t sugar coat it. Read through the Psalms to find prayers that express how you feel. Stay connected through the stress and grief and feelings of betrayal. Lean on Him in the days to come as you start to work through your grief.

Tips for Processing through Compounded Grief

As with every type of grief, you can process through what you feel and begin to find healing and reconciliation on the other side. But it will take hard work and perseverance on your side. Here are a few tips to help you get started as you work through your compounded grief and begin to feel the burden of grief overload lighten.

Take Your Time & Grieve Each Loss Individually

While it’s important not to avoid your grief, that doesn’t mean you should rush through the grieving process and lump all of your losses together into one big grief session. Instead, take time to honor each loss individually. While this process will take you longer, it will be much more effective in actually helping you mourn the losses. Each loss is distinct and unique, deserving of specific attention. Perhaps you start with the smallest grief and work your way through it. Then, choose another one, and work through it. By breaking your grief into bite-size pieces, you will feel less overwhelmed and be able to give each loss the focus it needs.

If you are grieving multiple people, consider writing down their names, your memories, their strengths, what you would say to them today, or what you miss about them. As you move into your memories and bring them to the surface, you will begin to release the emotions that have been pent up inside.

Find Ways to Express Your Grief

We all process grief a little differently than each other, so what works for your friend may not work for you. You can make some educated guesses on what will work for you but remain open to options that may make you feel uncomfortable. It may be exactly what you need. A few examples of ways to express your grief include talking with a friend, journaling, participating in a creative endeavor like painting, woodworking, or sculpting, joining a support group, or engaging in physical exercise like runs or walks.

Or, if your feelings are more intense, you may feel the need to expend yourself. You could use a punching bag, go on vigorous runs, go to a batting cage, shout at the sky, or whatever else will bring you release. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others (or breaking the law), find something that will help you release your emotions.

If you decide to talk with others about your grief, you might choose an understanding friend or family member who won’t try to minimize your grief. You might also consider whether attending a grief support group would be helpful, especially if other people in the group have experienced a similar loss. Finally, don’t be afraid to seek out a professional. With so many losses to sort through, a professional therapist can help you come up with a plan, establish a routine, and start addressing your grief in a healthy way.

Don’t Be Afraid of Your Emotions

As you find ways to express your grief, you may find some unsettling emotions below the surface. That’s okay. Grief brings out a wide range of emotions, like sadness, anger, shock, despair, fear, relief, or even guilt. No matter what you’re feeling, don’t be afraid of it. It’s normal, and you just need to take that extra time to process through and nurture yourself as you do the work of grief.

Practice Self-Care

Compounded grief takes a mental, emotional, and physical toll on the body. That’s why you should take extra steps to take care of yourself. You need adequate rest and nutrition to give your body the fuel it needs to get through the grieving process.

Here are a few suggestions for self-care:

Spend time with friends and family
Get a massage to release any tension or stress you may feel
Create art – painting, drawing, writing, making crafts, woodworking, etc.
Sing or listen to music
Get outside for walks and hikes
Journal about your feelings
Read
Meditate or pray

Honor Your Losses

Lastly, search out meaningful ways to honor each specific loss in your life. Take time to think about the loss that hurts the most and try to put words to the pain or start a healing ritual. For instance, with the death of a person, you might write a tribute poem, watch their favorite movie every year, or bake their favorite dessert on their birthday. With the loss of a pet, you could put a memorial stone in your yard or walk your pet’s favorite path. Or, for the loss of a relationship, you could place a keepsake in a memory box, or you could box up all your keepsakes and either donate or throw them away. What you do isn’t as important as honoring your feelings and your needs. As you honor your losses, you can begin to release your emotions and find a way to move forward.

We can’t necessarily plan and prepare for compounded grief because we don’t know when it will happen. However, we can cultivate good grief habits and actively engage with our feelings. If you are currently dealing with compounded grief, don’t give up. Take one day at a time, one loss at a time. As you work through each event that has caused you pain, you will move forward and find renewed meaning and purpose in life. Your grief doesn’t have to control you; you can take back your life.

Feb 09

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7 Tips for Teaching Your Child How to Process Grief

By christy.kessler Children, Grief/Loss

From the moment we enter this life, the journey is full of ups and downs. Moments of happiness, excitement, and meaning intermixed with moments of pain, anger, regret, and grief. None of us were born knowing how to deal with the complex emotions we feel; we have to be taught. As children, we needed the adults in our lives to teach us how to respond to the difficult situations that life threw our way, like how to process grief. So, as you face the ups and downs of life, how are you helping your children create healthy grieving habits they can use as they grow up and face all types of loss?

A Parent’s First Impulse

Before we move into a few helpful tips, it’s important to acknowledge that your first impulse as a parent or caregiver may be to protect your child from the pain of loss. While this desire comes from a good place, try not to give into it. Your child doesn’t need you to make the battles of life go away. Instead, they need you to give them the tools to fight the battle for themselves, to process what they feel, to talk it out, to steadily discover the way to healing. In other words, none of us can run away from the tough things in life.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor, author, and educator who has companioned hundreds of families and individuals through the grief journey, puts it this way:

You might fall into the common thinking of our society that denying these feelings will make them go away. You might have the urge to “keep your chin up” and stay busy and wait to “get over” your grief. Yet, ironically, the only way to help these hard feelings pass is to wade in the muck of them. To get in and get dirty. Grief isn’t clean, tidy, or convenient. Yet feeling it and expressing it is the only way to feel whole, once again. Unresolved grief can leave you feeling “stuck” or empty. Your ability to engage in life could be inhibited and you might feel like you’ve shut down.

Instead, choose grief. And as you walk with your grief, actively mourn. By taking action, you will eventually integrate the death of your loved one into your life. In exchange, you will find the hope, courage, and desire to once again live a full and rewarding life.

In short, we must all learn how to deal with grief in healthy ways so that we can live full lives, and your child needs your help learning the skills to emotionally succeed. But how do you get started?

7 Tips for Teaching Your Child How to Process Grief

Much of what children learn, they learn through imitation. Meaning, they learn by seeing and mimicking that behavior. Have you ever had one of those moments when you hear or see your child express one of your own habits? It’s often a wake-up call for parents. They think, “Oh! I didn’t realize he picked up on that.” Just as your kids can pick up your not-so-great habits, they pick up your good habits, too. So, what can you do to help them pick up good grieving habits?

1. Teach them their feelings are normal

First of all, lay the groundwork that their grief emotions are natural, normal, and not to be feared. So many people suppress what they feel and don’t express what’s on the inside in healthy ways. Often, they leave their feelings unaddressed for so long that when they finally do come out, it’s an explosion of negative emotions.

Rather than letting it get to the point of combustion, teach your child healthy ways to express their emotions, especially those associated with loss. Whether it’s sadness, anger, regret, guilt, whatever – help your child understand that what they feel is normal and nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. They just need to find the right way to process and release those emotions.

2. Show them how to express their feelings in a healthy way

When you consider ways to process and release emotions in a healthy manner, it’s important to remember that every person is different. No two grief journeys are the same. What works for you may not work for your child. So, take their personality into account and explore different options until you both find one that fits.

A few ideas to start:

Have your child draw a picture depicting what makes them sad and have them explain it to you
Ask your child to write down what they feel or a favorite memory
Create a memorial item together – a scrapbook, photo book, quilt, a stuffed animal using a loved one’s clothing, etc. Go to Creating Memorial Keepsakes from a Loved One’s Clothing, Creating Memorial Keepsakes from Funeral Flowers, or if you’ve lost a pet, go to 10 Family-Focused Pet Remembrance Ideas for more memorial ideas.
Introduce specific arts & crafts that will help them identify the emotions they feel
Read aloud age-appropriate books that discuss grief and loss
Show children how to practice simple yoga moves or mindful breathing exercises to help them learn how to self-calm
If their feelings are more explosive, look for safe physical ways to reduce stress, like running, playing chase, going to a batting cage or a golfing range, kicking a ball, etc.

Be an active participant in these activities with your child and help them learn how to express what they feel rather than pushing it away. With this habit in place, as they grow, they will understand the need to accept what they feel and look for ways to express it.

3. Take time to share stories and memories

An important part of the grief process is remembrance. Most often, this means telling stories, sharing memories, keeping special belongings, looking at photos, or watching videos. You may have noticed that when a person grieves, they share memories and tell favorite stories – maybe even the same ones again and again. This is all part of remembrance and transitioning the relationship from one of physical presence to one of memory. Encourage your child to share their memories and favorite stories. Listen with a compassionate and patient ear when they need you to simply hear what they have to say.

4. Demonstrate how to accept help

This one may be tough for some. You’ve likely had independence and self-reliance ingrained in you since your own childhood. In many ways, it’s great to be self-reliant, but it’s not always what you need. Accepting help from others doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of doing it on your own. It simply means that you understand that things can be easier if you don’t have to do it alone, and there’s nothing wrong with making things easier for yourself and your family.

So, as you face tough situations in life, accept help from those around you. That may mean accepting an offer to watch the kids, mow the lawn, run a few errands, or make a meal. Then, when your friends need help, give back. As you actively give and accept help, your child will notice what you’re doing. Invite them to be a part of it to cultivate the habit of giving and receiving help.

5. Tell them that grief takes time

Grief ebbs and flows, and in some ways, it never fully goes away. No matter how much time passes, some part of you will always miss the person who has died, and that’s natural. But in time, if you do the work of grief and express your pain in healthy ways, you will find a path to move forward.

It will look different from person to person. For some, grief lasts months, while for others, it lasts years. There are many factors at play, including the closeness of the relationship, the circumstances of the death, and the mourner’s personality. When grief and loss come into your family life – whether that’s a person, a pet, a friendship – use that moment to talk to your child and give them realistic expectations of the grief journey.

6. Answer their questions honestly

Have you ever met a kid who didn’t have a few questions? Asking questions comes naturally to them, so don’t be surprised if they have a lot to ask you about death, dying, grief, and more. Some questions you might be able to anticipate, while others may take you by surprise. No matter what, answer their questions honestly and simply.

It almost goes without saying, but don’t blanket over the truth about what happened with “white lies.” Children are naturally trusting, but if they find out later that you lied to them about something very important to them, you could damage their trust in you. In the same way, avoid euphemisms, as they just confuse children about what really happened. Instead, thoughtfully and sensitively answer them. They don’t have to know all of the details. You can decide what’s appropriate for their age and maturity, but always be completely honest. Children are much more resilient and understanding than we give them credit for.

7. Assure them that everything will be all right

Right now, in this moment, things may not be all right, but in time, they will be. Assure your child that the tough moments of today don’t create a dark future for tomorrow. Give them hugs and kisses. Provide the one-on-one time they need to feel secure and loved. Help them find ways to express what they feel.

Take one day at a time, one moment at a time. Life won’t go back to the way it used to be – that’s impossible – but it can still be good. That’s what the grief journey is all about: finding a way to reconcile yourself to the loss you’ve suffered, grieving the person you love, and discovering what life looks like now and how you can find new meaning and purpose.

These tips are intended to be building blocks for the years ahead. Just as it takes time for you to teach your child how to use silverware, interact in social situations, and make smart decisions, it will take time to impart these nuggets of truth about the grief journey. But in the end, your child will learn how to process what they feel in a healthy way and see hope for the future despite today’s difficulties.

Feb 04

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5 Tips for Helping Your Child Process the Death of a Pet

By christy.kessler Children, Grief/Loss, Pets

If you’ve ever owned a pet, you understand just how much you can come to love that animal. Whether it’s a dog, cat, guinea pig, ferret, fish, turtle, or rabbit, pets have a way of making their way into our hearts. As an adult, you have experienced loss in your life before, but for children, the first death they may go through is the loss of a pet. So, how can you help your children process their emotions and move toward healing?

Honor your child’s feelings

One of the best things you can do for your child is treat their emotions with respect and validity. Assure them that it’s okay to feel sad, hurt, or angry. It’s normal to feel this way after loss. Stay away from telling a child how they should feel or that they need to “be strong.” This exhortation may be why so many adults have learned to brush away their emotions, to stifle them, but that’s not the way to healing. It’s a form of avoidance, and undealt with emotions can lead to long-term consequences. By letting your child know that their emotions are real and valid, you give them the freedom to feel what they feel and not be afraid of it.

Share what you feel

Your first inclination may be to push aside your own emotions so you can “be strong” for your child. But your child needs to know that you cared about the family pet, too. If you don’t show your own sadness, your child may think that their own sadness is wrong, that they should be more like mommy or daddy, unphased. Now, it’s up to you how much emotion you want to show in front of your child. Don’t scare or frighten your child with your emotions, but do let them know that you’re sad, too.

Be honest

Some children are more inquisitive than others, but no doubt, your child is going to have some questions. Answer as honestly as you can (taking their age and maturity into account). Don’t use euphemisms or half-truths. Instead, sensitively explain what happened and answer their questions. Children can handle the truth (often much better than adults can). According to the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, children between ages 7 to 9 will have the most questions, so be prepared.

A few questions you may hear:

Why did [pet name] die?
Is it my fault?
What happened to [pet name]’s body?
Will I see him/her again?
Where did he/she go?
Will he/she come back?

Give them time and encourage discussion

Grief is an interesting thing. It doesn’t go away in a day, and sometimes, it sticks around for a while. That said, let your child know it’s okay if they need to talk about your pet again. In fact, sharing stories and talking about our grief is both healthy and necessary. While you may have personally moved on, give your child the time and space they need to grieve. And if they need to talk, create the space for it.

Find tangible ways to help them grieve

Children are hands-on learners, which is why touching and play time are important to their early development. Because of the hands-on nature of children, you might consider using activities to help them process the pain they feel.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Draw a picture of your pet
Write a story
Create a collage of favorite photos and place it in a prominent place
Hold a short memorial ceremony where each member of the family has a chance to share
Sit down as a family to share favorite pet stories
Make a scrapbook or memory book together
Buy a stuffed animal to represent the lost pet
Choose a memorial marker – a plaque or a stone – and place it in a special place

By helping your child deal with the death of a pet, you are giving them valuable life skills that will aid them as they grow into adulthood. After all, the loss of a pet, while difficult, is not the only hard situation they will face in life. By giving them the building blocks now, you can help them learn how to grieve in a healthy way, no matter what kind of loss they may encounter in the years ahead.

Jan 27

Love0

5 Tips for Announcing a Death on Social Media

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Technology and Grief

Announcing the death of a loved one is an incredibly difficult task. It forces you to acknowledge that someone you love has died, and in many ways, there’s just no way to put what you feel into words. But announcing the death on social media, through an obituary, or in a newspaper is a necessary step.

Social media allows us to communicate rapidly and widely. You may not know every person your loved one had a relationship with, so making an announcement online is an efficient way to reach people. Additionally, posting online creates a place for people to mourn, share memories, and express condolences while also keeping things simple for you. More than likely, you are already dealing with a wide range of emotions, and it’s much less draining to post once than to attempt to talk to each person individually.

Even so, death is a sensitive topic and should handled with care and tact. Let’s review a few tips for announcing a loved one’s death online.

1. Notify close loved ones first

Make sure you notify close family and friends in a more personal way first, such as in-person, with a phone call, or via private message (depending on the circumstances). You certainly don’t want people close to the deceased person to find out about their death online – that would make a difficult situation even harder.

2. Wait before you post

The first 24 hours after the loss of a loved one is often a period of shock and activity with planning for any funeral or memorial services. Additionally, you will be contacting any close family and friends with the news. That said, it’s best to wait a day or two before you put anything online. The wait will give you time to set the service details, contact people in person or over the phone, and personally process some of your own initial feelings of grief.

3. Use sensitive wording

With social media, people can read posts anytime throughout the day. So, it’s always good to add a bit of an introduction to your post so that people know you have sad news to share. That way, they have a bit of a heads up.

Here’s an example: “Family and friends, it is with great sadness that our family announces the passing of a very special person. I’m so sorry that you will hear the news this way, but our family wants to make sure everyone hears before the funeral.”

4. Remember that social platforms are a public space

As with any online posts or comments, don’t write anything you don’t want everyone to read. Consider all of the people who may read your post and be prepared to receive responses from them. When you post, you may want to include an obituary or memorial page to allow people to offer condolences and share memories freely.

5. What to include in a social media death announcement post

Finding the right words may feel a little overwhelming, and that’s okay. You can keep things simple. Just remember that you can make the post formal or casual, personal and sentimental or to the point. The format depends on your personality, but there are a few key pieces of information to include.

What to definitely include

Name of the deceased and relationship to you (the person posting)
Date of death
Time and location of any services: memorial, funeral, graveside, visitation/viewing, and/or reception/gathering (make sure to specify whether these events are public or private)
Any information about memorial donations
A favorite photo of your loved one (an individual photo, not a group)

As you consider what information to include, be mindful of your word choice. Also, try not to share too many details about the death (unless you want to). Focus on sharing positive memories and giving others an opportunity to share theirs. You might also consider linking to the obituary if it’s available.

Examples to help you get started

Many of you know that my father was struggling with cancer. While I’m sad to say that he is gone, I’m glad to say he is no longer suffering. He was a man of integrity who laughed often and loved hard. My mom, my brother, and I invite you to join us for a funeral service on (date) as we celebrate his life and what it meant to all of us.
It is with deep sorrow that we inform you of the death of a beloved husband and father, (insert name). We will have a private family memorial service followed by a public reception on (date). We would be pleased if you could join us at the reception to share memories and celebrate (name)’s life. Click here for more details (link to obituary).
Our family is deeply saddened to inform you that our beloved grandmother, (name), passed away in her sleep (day of week) night. She was a gem of a woman who has been a pillar of strength, love, and unity for our family her entire life. Her funeral service will be held on (day of week) at the (location name) in (location) at (time).

These examples are simply to get you started. Feel free to look up other examples online and customize the text with your own details and embellishments.

With these 5 tips, you can now decide what’s best for you and your family. If it makes sense, an announcement on social media allows you to:

honor your loved one’s life
inform their extended network about their passing
create an opportunity for a shared mourning experience

No matter what you decide, lean on each other and find the support you need for the days ahead.

Jan 21

Love0

10 Challenges Grieving Grandparents Face

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

When a child dies, our thoughts immediately turn to the parents and the deep grief they must be feeling. And while this reaction is good, right, and warranted, we often forget that there are also deeply grieving grandparents who need our support and sympathy, too. Because they are often overlooked, grandparents face several unique challenges on the way to healing.

Often called “neglected mourners,” grandparents take a back seat to the primary mourners – the parents and siblings of the child who has died. But Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor and educator, tells us not to forget grandparents. He says: “When a grandchild dies, grandparents grieve twice. They mourn the loss of the child and they feel the pain of their own child’s suffering. Sometimes we forget about the grandparents when a child dies. You can help by not forgetting, by offering the grandparents your love, support and presence in the weeks and months to come.”

Because they are often overlooked, grandparents face some extra challenges. Let’s review those challenges so you can better understand what a grieving grandparent may be feeling and can determine how best to love and support them through this terrible loss.

10 Challenges Grieving Grandparents Face

1. Their grief is often unacknowledged

As mentioned above, grandparent grief is often overlooked or unacknowledged. This tendency is not intentional or malicious, but it does make the grief journey harder for grandparents. Grief that is unacknowledged or overlooked by society or groups of people is called disenfranchised grief. Often those whose grief is disenfranchised have a hard time sharing their thoughts and emotions because they feel that their grief is out of place or doesn’t help the situation. While grandparents often feel helpless, angry, and heartbroken over the loss of a grandchild, they may feel less able to openly express their feelings because they are not the primary mourners.

2. They may not receive the support they need

Because grandparents are not the primary mourners, they don’t often receive the support they need during a time of loss. Friends may rally around the child’s immediate family and bring casseroles and condolences, but is anyone offering the same type of support to the grandparents? Unfortunately, the answer is commonly no. And while there are generalized grief support groups, it’s hard to find a support group that specifically addresses grandparent grief.

3. They may feel unable to share their feelings

As a matriarch or patriarch of the family, it’s natural to want to show a strong, loving face to family, especially to a grieving adult child and their spouse and children. Because a grandparent may feel the need to offer support to their grieving child and doesn’t want to add any additional burden, they may push aside their own feelings of grief in favor of offering support and assistance. While offering practical help to their grieving child is good, it can sometimes be at the expense of their own grief journey. There’s a delicate balance to find between helping and healing.

4. They may deal with family splintering

The death of a child can put a lot of stress and strain on a marriage. While it doesn’t happen often, there are cases when a marriage is unable to survive the death of a child and a whole new set of challenges are introduced. Not only is the immediate family adjusting to separated life, the grandparents must also learn how to adjust to this new lifestyle. They may not be able to see their living grandchildren as often as they did before, which may complicate the grief they feel over the grandchild who has died. Instead of being able to enjoy their living grandchildren, they are pushed even further to the outskirts, their grief and needs overlooked and unacknowledged.

5. They may have to take on a parenting role

Depending on proximity and the closeness of relationship, grandparents may be asked to step in to help with siblings while the parents deal with the effects of losing a child. In some ways, this is a blessing. Grandparents can spend time with their living grandchildren and further cement those precious relationships. On the other hand, with less energy reserves, grandparents may have difficulty finding the time and mental/emotional energy to process through their own emotions of grief. Every bit of energy goes toward keeping the family afloat.

It’s important to note that parents will also feel this strain as they grieve the loss of their child. They will be torn between responsibilities to living children, jobs, friends, family, extracurricular activities, and more. A hybrid option is likely best – parents and grandparents (with other friends and family) helping each other along the way and alternating babysitting to give each person the breaks they need.

6. They may feel helpless in the face of their child’s pain

First and foremost, a grandparent is a parent themselves. Their own child is in deep pain, and there’s nothing they can do about it. They want to help, to fix, to prevent pain, but in this case, there’s often a sense of helplessness. Some grandparents may feel depressed at their lack of ability to help and may experience additional stress because they are concerned about the mental and emotional well-being of their child.

7. Their health may suffer

For particularly elderly grandparents, health and wellness are a concern during times of grief. Because young people are often physically healthy, they don’t think too much about the physical difficulties of grief. However, for elderly grandparents, deep grief can lead to not eating, sleeping poorly, socializing less, and not functioning as well. It’s best to keep a loving eye on grandparents whose health is not the best and keep a lookout for potential declines.

8. They don’t have as much energy

As mentioned earlier, grandparents may not have as much energy as they used to. Their pace of life is already slowing down a little and energy levels are decreasing. Grief is hard mentally, physically, and emotionally, so it may take grandparents a little more time and effort to grieve. While they do have more life experience and have likely lost loved ones before, the loss of a child is especially difficult at any age.

9. They deal with a loss of legacy

Both parents and grandparents expect a child to outlive them, so when that doesn’t happen, there’s a sense that a legacy has been lost. This feeling can be especially potent if the grandparents only have one grandchild. Whether the grandchild is two, ten, or 25, they must deal with the loss of what could have been – what should have been.

10. They may deal with feelings of guilt

Some grandparents may feel guilty after the loss of a grandchild. Having lived a long life themselves, they may struggle to make sense of what has happened. Questions like, “Why couldn’t it have been me?” may pass through their minds. While this feeling is natural and normal following a loss, guilt is often misplaced and can lead to grieving complications.

Now that you understand several of the challenges that grieving grandparents face, let’s talk about a few things you (and they) can do to grieve well after the loss of a grandchild.

Tips for Grieving Well

As the grandparent:

Find ways to express your feelings
Talk to friends or relatives about your loss
Don’t compare your grief to that of your child or son or daughter-in-law; everyone’s grief is unique and different
Take care of yourself physically so you have the mental and emotional energy you need
Honor your grandchild’s life and memory in meaningful ways

As the supportive friend or family member:

Offer a listening ear
Help with household chores and must-do activities to give grandparents more time and energy to work through their grief
Express your condolences and acknowledge their loss
Look for ways to include them in healing rituals and meaningful moments

The loss of a grandchild is a severe blow – to both the parents and grandparents. None of them will ever truly “get over” the loss, and really, that’s not the goal. The goal of healthy grieving is to find a way to reconcile yourself to the loss and begin to move forward with meaning and purpose. The child that has died will always be missed – that’s a fact. Though life has changed irreversibly, it can be good again as you do the work of grief and meaningfully and personally grieve.