christy.kessler

Losing a child, no matter their age, is a heart-wrenching loss. Everything changes. As a father, you may feel like you let your child, your spouse/partner, your entire family down. You may feel like it was part of your role as a father to protect your child, and now you’re questioning everything. You may blame yourself (or someone else) for what happened. In your mind, you may replay the events that led to your child’s death again and again. Some days, you may even feel like you’re going crazy. But you’re not crazy – you’re grieving.

As you grieve and work to come to grips with what has happened and how you can move forward, remember that there’s no timeline for grief. You may be tempted to either give in to grief or to push it away and tamp it down as you seek to “be strong” for your family. Try not to give into either of these extremes. Instead, allow yourself to grieve, and don’t rush the process either. As you walk through your own personal grief journey, as you mourn the loss of a child who carried many hopes and dreams, remember these things:

You have the right to grieve

As tempting as it may be to push down your feelings, let yourself be sad. Grief is directly related to love. Because you’re a father and you love your child, you will grieve the loss. It’s normal and natural. No one else will grieve this loss exactly the way you do or have the same cherished memories. Take the time you need to truly mourn – to let the pain out – so that you can honor your child’s life and keep your memories together close to your heart.

If you find yourself getting stuck in your grief or having trouble functioning from day to day, you may have developed complicated grief. If you are unable to focus on anything except your child’s death, feel numb or that life has no purpose, or have trouble carrying out normal routines like personal hygiene, consider talking with a professional to help you sort through your emotions so that you can begin to heal.  

You have the right to talk about what’s happened

Talking about your grief will help you heal. You may feel the need to sideline your own grief as you help your spouse/partner or other children but try not to minimize your own feelings. Instead, enter into your grief alongside your family – they need to know the death hurts you, too.

For one father, it will be easy to talk, while for another, it will be very difficult. Find people you trust or another father who has experienced a similar loss and talk with them. Share the weight of your grief. You don’t have to walk through this journey alone – you can invite others in.

You have the right to feel the loss in your own unique way

As a father, you’re going to feel a lot of different emotions. Shock, denial, confusion, yearning, guilt, sadness, depression, to name a few. None of these are wrong. They are all normal. In fact, there’s no “right” way to grieve. For every one of us, the experience is different.  

Depending on the age of your child, you may be dealing with guilt or blame. You may be angry at yourself for not watching your child more closely, for allowing them to participate in an activity, for not being there. Or similarly, you may blame your spouse/partner for these things. It’s okay to feel this way, but in order to find a way to live again, you will need to process through these emotions. 

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief counselor, author, and educator says: “You might have the urge to ‘keep your chin up’ and stay busy and wait to ‘get over’ your grief. Yet, ironically, the only way to help these hard feelings pass is to wade in the muck of them. To get in and get dirty. Grief isn’t clean, tidy, or convenient. Yet feeling it and expressing it is the only way to feel whole, once again.”  

So, embrace whatever it is that you feel – don’t push it away. Even though you may want to ignore it or push it away, you must go through the pain in order to move toward healing and reconciliation. And even though you may not believe it right now, you need and deserve healing. 

NOTE: If you do feel that your spouse/partner is in some way to blame for the death of your child, don’t keep those feelings bottled up inside. If you can talk it out peaceably together, do that. However, if you need a mediator, find an objective person (like a counselor or therapist) to help you talk things through.

You have the right to feel wiped out, physically and emotionally

Grief is hard work, but the trauma of losing a child is even more so. You may find it hard to sleep, leading you to feel tired or overwhelmed. Some people even experience physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, and weight loss or gain. Please know – this is a natural reaction. Your body is in distress, the same as your mind and heart. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Be kind to yourself as you grieve the loss of your child.

You have the right to grieve differently than your spouse/partner

Because we’re all different, no two people will grieve in the exact same way. While your grief may look different than your spouse/partner’s grief, it doesn’t mean you aren’t both grieving. Give each other space and grace to grieve differently. And move toward each other, rather than away, as you process this profound loss in your lives.

Stereotypically, men are thought to be less emotional, and therefore, not as deeply affected by loss. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Our society puts certain unfair expectations on men (i.e. men who cry are weak, etc.), but don’t fall into these lies with your spouse/partner. As a father, it’s so important to model healthy grieving and let your family see that you are also deeply affected by the loss. Being open and vulnerable allows you to all grieve together.

You have the right to experience “grief bursts”

At times, the feelings of grief are going to appear suddenly and overwhelmingly. This is called a “grief burst.” It could be triggered by many things. You breathe in your child’s smell. Find a photo from a favorite day. Realize that your child will never graduate, marry, have grandchildren, etc. You face a special day, like a birthday, graduation day, or the holiday season. 

The powerful surge of emotion can be scary, but it’s normal and natural. When these bursts happen, honor and acknowledge them; don’t suppress them. Find someone who understands and will let you talk out what you’re feeling. 

You have the right to participate in healing actions

Sometimes, in order to heal, you will need to do more than talk – you need to act. At the funeral or memorial service, share your cherished memories. Mark your child’s birthday in some way. Talk about your deceased child with your spouse/partner and other children. Discuss as a family what you can do to honor your child’s memory. Write to your child on their birthday or on special occasions to share how much you miss them. 

These are all acts of mourning – the outward expression of your internal grief. As hard as it is to believe, as you do the work of grief and participate in healing actions, you will find a way to move forward. You will never forget your child – nor should you – but you can find the path toward a good life for yourself, your spouse, and your living children. 

You have the right to embrace your spirituality

Right now, your faith is either sustaining you, or it’s feeling shaky. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. If you are a person of faith, find ways to express it that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings. Pray. Meditate. Journal. Share what you’re feeling with God; he’s big enough and loving enough to accept and understand whatever you’re feeling, even if it’s anger toward him.

You have the right to treasure your memories

Do you remember the moment you found out you were going to be a father? The first time you held your son or daughter? As a father, you have some very special and unique memories that no one else has. Every child needs a father’s love, so your memories are precious, unique, and worth treasuring.

You could collect keepsakes – photos, favorite toys or clothing items, something special between you and your child, etc. Write your thoughts and feelings down. Have a piece of jewelry made to wear in remembrance. Start a tradition that brings you comfort. Talk about your child openly, not only to express your own feelings in a healthy way but to allow your spouse/partner and children the same opportunity.  

You have the right to move toward your grief and heal

While you may be dealing with guilt, shame, blame, or regret right now, remember that you do have the right to grieve and to heal. Dr. Wolfelt tells us that we never get over a death; instead, we learn to reconcile ourselves to the loss. He states, “Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future…. The unfolding of this journey is not intended to create a return to an ‘old normal’ but the discovery of a ‘new normal.’”

The journey ahead is not going to be easy. The loss you’ve suffered is significant and heartbreaking. As you grapple with the loss, grieve in whatever way you need so that you and your family can find healing, peace, and reconciliation.

*Adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.

As a mother, losing a child is a heart-wrenching loss. Everything changes. You may question your choices as a mother or even your ability to parent. You may blame yourself (or someone else) for what happened. In your mind, you may replay the events that led to your child’s death again and again. Some days, you may even feel like you’re going crazy. But you’re not crazy – you’re grieving.

As you grieve and work to come to grips with what has happened and how you can move forward, remember that there’s no timeline for grief. There is no need to rush the process. As you walk through your own personal grief journey, as you mourn the loss of a child who carried so many hopes and dreams, remember these things:

You have the right to grieve

Grief is directly related to love. Because you are a mother and you loved your child, you will grieve the loss like no one else. You carried this child within you. Held them in your arms and tucked them in at night. You also cherished hopes and dreams for your child that are now unfulfilled. The gaping hole left behind will need time to heal.

Keep in mind that mothers tend to take care of everyone else before they take care of themselves. Remember: you have a right to grieve and to focus on your own healing. If you find yourself getting stuck in your grief or having trouble functioning from day to day, you may have developed complicated grief. If you are unable to focus on anything except your child’s death, feel numb or that life has no purpose, or have trouble carrying out normal routines, consider talking with a professional to help you sort through your emotions so that you can get on the road to healing.

You have the right to talk about what you’ve been through

Talking about your grief will help you heal. For one mother, it will be easy to talk, while another mother, it will be very difficult. Find people you trust or other mothers who have experienced a similar loss and talk with them. Share the weight of your grief. You don’t have to walk through this journey alone – you can invite others in.

At times, you won’t feel like talking, and that’s okay. Listen to your needs but don’t give up on expressing what’s going on inside. Ignoring, suppressing, or bottling up your emotions won’t make them go away. In fact, it often makes them more powerful and more likely to negatively affect you down the road.

You have the right to feel what you feel

Losing a child is going to bring out many different emotions in you as a mother. Shock, denial, confusion, yearning, guilt, sadness, depression, to name a few. None of these are wrong. They are all normal. In fact, there’s no “right” way to grieve. For every one of us, the experience is different.

Depending on the age of your child, you may be dealing with guilt or blame. You may be angry at yourself for not watching your child more closely, for allowing them to participate in an activity, for not being there. Or similarly, you may blame your spouse/partner for these things. It’s okay to feel this way, but in order to find a way to live again, you will need to process through these emotions.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief counselor, author, and educator says: “You might have the urge to ‘keep your chin up’ and stay busy and wait to ‘get over’ your grief. Yet, ironically, the only way to help these hard feelings pass is to wade in the muck of them. To get in and get dirty. Grief isn’t clean, tidy, or convenient. Yet feeling it and expressing it is the only way to feel whole, once again.”

So, embrace whatever it is that you feel – don’t push it away. Even though you may want to ignore it or push it away, you must go through the pain in order to move toward healing and reconciliation. And even though you may not believe it right now, you need and deserve healing.

You have the right to be tired, physically and emotionally

Grief is hard work. You may find it hard to sleep, and as a result, feel tired and overwhelmed. If you are mother to other children, caring for them may also drain your energy. In some cases, people even experience physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, and weight loss or gain. Please know – this is a natural reaction. The body is in distress, the same as the mind and heart. Respect what your body and mind are telling you, especially if you have other children who need you during this difficult time. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Be kind to yourself as you grieve the loss of your child.

You have the right to grieve differently than your spouse/partner

Since there’s no “right” way to grieve, it stands to reason that no two people will grieve in the exact same way. But just because your grief and your spouse/partner’s grief don’t look the same doesn’t mean you aren’t both grieving. Give your spouse/partner space and grace to grieve differently. You’re both hurting – that is a certainty.

You may feel that your spouse is in some way to blame for the death of your child. If this is you, don’t keep those feelings bottled up inside. If you can talk it out peaceably together, do that. However, if you need a mediator, find an objective person (like a counselor or therapist) to help you talk things through.

You have the right to experience “grief bursts”

At times, the feelings of grief are going to appear suddenly and overwhelmingly. This is called a “grief burst.” It could be triggered by many things. You breathe in your child’s smell. Around the house, you find a photo from a favorite day. You realize that your child will never graduate, marry, have grandchildren, etc. A special day arrives, like a birthday, graduation day, or the holiday season. The powerful surge of emotion can be scary, but it’s normal and natural. When these bursts happen, honor and acknowledge them; don’t suppress them. Find someone who understands and will let you talk out what you’re feeling.

You have the right to participate in healing actions

Sometimes, in order to heal, you will need to do more than talk – you need to act. At the funeral or memorial service, share your cherished memories. Create a memory album. Mark your child’s birthday in some way. Talk about your deceased child with your spouse/partner and other children. Discuss as a family what you can do to honor your child’s memory. Write to your child on their birthday or on special occasions to share how much you miss them.

These are all acts of mourning – the outward expression of your internal grief. As hard as it is to believe, as you do the work of grief and participate in healing actions, you will find a way to move forward. You will never forget your child – nor should you – but you can find the path toward a good life for yourself, your spouse, and your living children.

You have the right to embrace your spirituality

Right now, your faith is either sustaining you, or it’s feeling shaky. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. If you are a person of faith, find ways to express it that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings. Pray. Meditate. Journal. Talk to other moms. Share what you’re feeling with God; he’s big enough and loving enough to accept and understand whatever you’re feeling, even if it’s anger toward him.

You have the right to treasure your memories

As a mother, you have some very special and unique memories that no one else has. A mother’s love is unique and special, so you must find ways to treasure your memories.

You could collect keepsakes – photos, handmade items, favorite toys or clothing items, etc. – and create a memory box or scrapbook. Write your thoughts and feelings down. Have a piece of jewelry made to wear in remembrance. Start a tradition that brings you comfort. Talk about your child openly, not only to get your own feelings out but to allow your spouse/partner and children the same opportunity.

You have the right to move toward your grief and heal

While you may be dealing with guilt, shame, blame, or regret right now, remember that you do have the right to grieve and to heal. Dr. Wolfelt tells us that we never get over a death; instead, we learn to reconcile ourselves to the loss. He states, “Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future…. The unfolding of this journey is not intended to create a return to an ‘old normal’ but the discovery of a ‘new normal.’”

Moms, the journey ahead is not going to be easy. The loss you’ve suffered is significant and heartbreaking. As you grapple with the loss, grieve in whatever way you need so that you and your family can find healing, peace, and reconciliation.

*Adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.

In so many ways, a grandparent’s grief following the loss of a grandchild is overlooked and unacknowledged. We all instantly think of mom, dad, and siblings, but more often than not, grandparents and their grief are forgotten. Today, we’re here to say that grandparent grief matters, too. No matter how old your grandchild was, your grief is real, legitimate, and deserving of support and love.  

As a grieving grandparent:  

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief 

In so many ways, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You feel a deep sense of grief and loss over the death of your beloved grandchild, and you also feel a responsibility to help your own adult child through their own loss. By all means, help your adult child as much as you can through this devastating loss, but don’t forget that your own grief is real and not something you have to push aside.  

2. You have the right to talk about your grief

While it’s true that you aren’t the parent, you’ve still suffered a deep loss. One of the most common and beneficial ways to process grief is talking about what you feel. Just because you are in a unique position doesn’t mean you have to stay silent about what you feel. Don’t bottle it up. Perhaps your adult child needs to know that this loss has devastated you as much as it has them.   

3. You have the right to feel what you feel 

Grief brings out a wide variety of emotions, and you have a right to feel them. You may feel sad, angry, shocked, or even guilty. There may be a very deep sense that the death of your grandchild is unnatural and unfair, which is true. All of these are normal emotional responses to the death of someone you love, and they are a healthy reaction to the loss you’ve suffered. 

4. You have the right to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally 

As we age, our energy levels decrease, so you may have noticed that you have less energy than you did when you were younger. That said, grief takes a mental, emotional, and physical toll on you. Your inclination may be to help your adult child as much as possible, but make sure to also take stock of your own physical and emotional needs. If you need a nap, take a nap. If you need a brain break, take it. Do what is needed to give yourself as much energy as possible so that you can face the grief journey ahead while also offering a helping hand and caring heart to your grieving adult child.  

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts” 

There will be times when an unexpected wave of grief will come over you. This is called a griefburst. It can feel frightening, but don’t worry, it’s normal. And even though you may feel that your loss isn’t as significant as your adult child’s, try not to compare losses. Everyone is hurting, and you have the right to grieve, too.  

6. You have the right to participate in healing rituals 

After losing someone you love, participating in healing rituals helps you take that first step in the grief journey. By honoring and remembering life, you take time to cherish your memories and share them with others. As a grandparent, you have as much right as other family members to find comfort in your memories and dreams.  

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality 

For many people, faith serves as an anchor during the tumultuous seasons of life. If you are a person of faith, then fall back on your habits to help you cope with your grief. Meditate. Pray. Sing songs. Write. There is comfort in God’s arms, and you have the right to seek refuge there.  

8. You have the right to search for meaning 

Especially following the loss of a child, you may find yourself asking, “Why did this happen? Why couldn’t it have been me instead?” It’s natural to ask questions and to search for meaning in the loss. Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. Regardless, searching for meaning is a natural part of the grieving process, and it’s okay to contemplate and consider the questions running through your heart and mind.  

9. You have the right to treasure your memories 

While you may have lived a little on the periphery of your grandchild’s life – not being the parents – you still have a strong connection to your grandchild and many precious memories. Cling to them. Share them with others. Discuss the love you feel and the loss you feel. Your memories are priceless so treasure them close to your heart as you grieve.  

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal 

Grief takes time. It’s different from person to person. You will grieve one way and your spouse will grieve another. But no matter what it looks like, you have the right to grieve the loss of your grandchild. You also have the right to heal and not feel bad about it. Right now, the hurt may be too deep, too new, too fresh, but in time, as you do the work of grief and work through your emotions, you will find the path toward healing and reconciliation. Your life is changed forever, but you can still find hope and meaning, discovering ways to honor your grandchild’s life and memory.  

After the loss of a loved one, you may feel a little lost and alone, clinging to your faith in God, despite present circumstances. You may even be struggling this Easter to trust in God’s love, to rely on His promises, or to believe He’s right there with you. But don’t forget what Easter is all about – it’s about Jesus conquering death and bringing hope to all who believe in Him. As you wrestle through your feelings of grief this Easter, set aside some time to sit quietly, think, pray, and meditate on peaceful, uplifting thoughts.

This Easter, we have gathered a few readings to bring comfort as you process your feelings about loss and faith. We hope that you take courage and hope from these words and remember that God is with you every step of the way.

Scripture Verses

Psalm 23 (English Standard Version)

Psalm 23 is one of the most well-known passages in the Bible. If you are grieving a loss, it may feel like you are going through the “valley of the shadow of death” that David describes in Psalm 23. Yet this scripture reminds us that even in our darkest times, God is with us, walking right next to us. And just as He did not leave his Son in the tomb, He will not leave us in the valley of grief. He prepares a table before us, showers us with goodness and mercy, and draws us to Himself so that our joy will be full.

 

1 Corinthians 15: 51 – 57 (New Living Translation)

Easter is about hope and restoration. Losing a loved one reminds us how fragile and fleeting life is. But hope reminds us that we will one day be reunited with those we love. As 1 Corinthians 15 reminds us, death does not last forever. Jesus has conquered death and the grave!

But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed! It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed. For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.

Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?”

For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Romans 8: 35, 37 – 39 (New Living Translation)

The loss of someone you love may have left a gaping hole in your heart that feels like it can never be filled. Questions and doubts about God’s love may rise up. Anger and disappointment at God can drive you further from peace. This passage in Romans reminds us that nothing, not even death, can separate us from God’s love. Though you may feel far away from His love in the moment, there is nothing in creation that can separate you from His love. Jesus’ death and resurrection on Easter morning has made sure of it.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Poems & Quotes

Poems and quotes can speak volumes and give our minds little nuggets of wisdom to treasure. Here are just a few selections for Easter poems that we hope speak to your grieving heart and bring comfort and peace.

Easter Joy (by Joanna Fuchs)

Jesus came to earth,
To show us how to live,
How to put others first,
How to love and how to give.

Then He set about His work,
That God sent Him to do;
He took our punishment on Himself;
He made us clean and new.

He could have saved Himself,
Calling angels from above,
But He chose to pay our price for sin;
He paid it out of love.

Our Lord died on Good Friday,
But the cross did not destroy
His resurrection on Easter morn
That fills our hearts with joy.

Now we know our earthly death,
Like His, is just a rest.
We’ll be forever with Him
In heaven, where life is best.

So we live our lives for Jesus,
Think of Him in all we do.
Thank you Savior; Thank you Lord.
Help us love like you!

Life’s Daily Doses (by Lenora McWhorter)

Life is measured in daily doses
Of trials and pleasures each.
Day by day grace is dispensed
To meet our immediate needs.
Comfort comes to the weary
We find that which we seek.
A bridge is built at the river
And power is given to the weak.
One day’s load we have to bear
As we travel on life’s way.
Wisdom is given for the occasion
And strength to equal each day.
We are never required to stagger
Under tomorrow’s heavy load.
We journey one day at a time
As we travel life’s rugged road.
God’s mercy is new every morning
And His faithfulness is sure.
God perfects all that concerns us
And by our faith, we will endure.

Celebrate Our Savior (by Joanna Fuchs)

On Easter morn, we celebrate our Savior;
Whatever people seek in Him, they find.
In history, there has never been another
So holy, sacrificial, good and kind.

His resurrection makes us all immortal;
In heaven, we’ll be together with our King.
Eternally we’ll share in all His blessings;
Happy Easter! Jesus Christ is everything!

Quotes

The very first Easter taught us this: that life never ends and love never dies. -Kate McGahan

We proclaim the resurrection of Christ when his light illuminates the dark moments of our existence. -Pope Francis

God loves each of us as if there were only one of us. -Saint Augustine

The greatest gift of Easter is hope. -Basil Hume

Music & Lyrics

Finally, music can speak to us in a way that gets past our mind’s defenses and goes straight to our hearts. These classic hymns are reminders of all that Jesus accomplished on Easter morning.

Amazing Grace (John Newton)

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I am found
Was blind, but now I see

‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares
We have already come
‘Twas grace has brought us safe thus far
And grace will lead us home

When we’ve been there ten thousand years
Bright, shining as the sun
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’ve first begun

Because He Lives (Bill & Gloria Gaither)

How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and the joy that he gives
Oh but greater still, the calm assurance
We can face uncertain days because He lives

And because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth a living just because He lives

And then one day, I’ll cross that river
I’ll fight life’s final war with pain
And then as death gives way to victory
I’ll see the lights of glory and I’ll know He reigns

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth a living just because He lives

May these words of hope, of death conquered, of life with God, give you hope and encouragement as you grieve the loss of someone dear to you. God is near, and He will not leave your side.