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Can You Die of a Broken Heart?

By Grief/Loss

At some point in your life, you’ve likely heard the phrase that someone “died of a broken heart.” In most cases, people use this expression to refer to someone who fell into depression or deep sadness following the death of a loved one and eventually died without coming to a place of healing. But did you know that broken heart syndrome is a real thing and affects a small number of people every year? Let’s talk about it.

Mother and adult daughter sitting on couch, comforting each other

What is Broken Heart Syndrome?

Broken heart syndrome, also called stress cardiomyopathy or takotsubo cardiomyopathy, occurs when there’s a disruption of blood flow to the heart. The heart’s normal rhythm is interrupted, and the heart temporarily enlarges. This disruption is caused by extreme physical or emotional stress. Because the death of a loved one can trigger extreme stress, it’s not uncommon for cases of broken heart syndrome to coincide with a loss.

When you experience a stressful event, your body produces hormones and proteins, like adrenaline, to help you cope. However, in some rare cases, a section of heart muscle may become overwhelmed or stunned by the introduction of so much adrenaline. To compensate, the arteries narrow, causing a temporary decrease in blood flow to the heart. As a result, you may experience chest pain and shortness of breath.

Man sitting on couch at home, hand on chest as he experiences chest pain that could be broken heart syndrome

What are the Symptoms?

Perhaps the two most common symptoms are chest pain and shortness of breath. Because of that, broken heart syndrome is sometimes confused with a heart attack. However, a heart attack occurs because of clogged arteries while broken heart syndrome happens when the heart can’t contract properly. In other words, a person with no history of heart ailments can still experience broken heart syndrome.

A few more symptoms to watch for are sweating, dizziness, low blood pressure, nausea, fainting, irregular heartbeat, or heart palpitations. After the stressful event begins, a person may experience these symptoms almost immediately or it may be several hours.

Woman sitting in a hospital bed, doctor listening to her heartbeat with a stethoscope

What are the Most Common Causes?

The trigger for this ailment is extreme emotional or physical stress, but what causes that stress differs from person to person. While researchers are still actively learning more, here are a few examples of events that have caused broken heart syndrome in others:

  • Job loss
  • Major surgery
  • Death of a loved one
  • Divorce or other close relationship loss
  • A sudden illness, like an asthma attack or an allergic reaction
  • Some medications, such as for anxiety (rare)
  • Some illegal substances, like methamphetamine or cocaine
  • Extreme anger or intense fear

Who Is Most Likely to Experience It?

While anyone can experience broken heart syndrome, it’s most common in women ages 50+. A recent study found that about 2% of suspected heart attacks were actually broken heart syndrome. However, that percentage is likely a bit higher.

Women make up about 88% of reported cases, and most are post-menopausal. It’s thought that estrogen protects the heart against the harmful effects of hormones, and when the estrogen level declines after menopause, women are more susceptible to sudden stress. Additionally, a 2020 study found that post-menopausal women dealing with anxiety disorders had a higher risk than women without anxiety.

Younger woman and older woman sitting on a bench outside with the younger woman comforting as the older woman holds her hand to her chest

Can You Die from Broken Heart Syndrome?

Death from broken heart syndrome is very rare, occurring in only 1% of cases. Most people make a full recovery within a month and have no long-term heart damage. Thankfully, the condition is completely reversible for 99% of cases.

What Do I Do If I See a Friend or Family Member Exhibiting Symptoms?

If you are with a friend or family member following the loss of a loved one, pay attention if they complain of chest pain, shortness of breath, or dizziness. If the person already has a heart condition, then it may be a heart attack. However, if there’s no history of heart disease, it could very well be broken heart syndrome. Only the doctor can give you a proper diagnosis and treatment plan.

Broken heart syndrome - older man visiting with his doctor, who is listening to his patient's heart with a stethoscope

Quick FAQ

Q: Can everyday stress cause broken heart syndrome?

A: According to what doctors currently know, the syndrome only occurs suddenly and resolves quickly. If you have chronic chest pains or shortness of breath, talk to your doctor to see what else may be happening with your health.

Q: Are there different types of broken heart syndrome?

A: Yes, there are 4 different types – apical, mid-ventricular, basal, and focal. It all depends on which section of the heart gets stunned, though apical is most common. Apical refers to the lower half of the heart.

Q: Can you prevent broken heart syndrome?

A: To lower your potential risk, you can learn stress management and problem-solving techniques that will help you decrease your overall physical and emotional stress. You could journal, meditate, exercise, take a warm bath, get plenty of sleep, or do something else to relax. These practices are good during any season of life, not just stressful ones.

Hopefully you will never encounter broken heart syndrome, but if you do, you now know what it is and the best way to help a friend or family member through it. Be safe out there!

Woman with brown hair wearing a white sweater sitting down, reading messages on phone

How to Offer Condolences Via Text or DM

By Grief/Loss, Technology and Grief

In today’s world, we’re more connected than ever, and it’s more common to text message or direct message a friend than to call them. This is especially true now that we’re connected online to friends who live all across the country and the world. With this change in social habits, it’s much more acceptable to offer condolences through text or online message. But what do you say and what etiquette rules should you follow?

Basic Etiquette for Offering Condolences

Woman with brown hair wearing a white sweater sitting down, reading messages on phone

Say something

It’s human nature to avoid situations that feel difficult or uncomfortable. But just because something is uncomfortable does not mean it shouldn’t be done. If you want someone to feel cared for after a loved one’s death, at least send them a quick message acknowledging their loss and how they are in your thoughts.

Shorter is better

Have you ever gotten a really long text and thought, “I’ll read this later?” With texts and direct messages, there’s no need to write a lot. People don’t expect your message to be long, and honestly, they may skip it if it’s too long. After all, there are a lot of details and emotions vying for their attention. Instead, keep it short but kind and compassionate.

Personalize your message

No matter what you decide to write, make your words as personal as possible. If you knew the person who has died, offer kind words about them or share a short memory. On the other hand, if you didn’t know them personally, mention that you know how much they meant to the family. Even a small detail can add just the right personal touch.

Man leaning against wall outside as he reads messages on his cell phone

Don’t compare griefs

You may be tempted to offer comfort by saying you understand what they are going through but don’t do it. You may be able to relate, but everyone grieves differently and uniquely. No two grief journeys are the same and shouldn’t be treated as such. If appropriate, share a valuable lesson you’ve learned in your own grief journey while still acknowledging, “I know your loss is so different from mine.”

Keep it classy

Some people are complicated and not all relationships are healthy. And while you may secretly be thinking, “Ding, dong, the witch is dead,” don’t write that in your condolence text. Even if the relationship was flawed and damaged, your grieving friend is likely experiencing some conflicting emotions. Relief that the stressful relationship is over, but also sadness that it now never has a chance to get better. Be sensitive in the early days and take your cues from the grieving person.

Follow-up with a handwritten card or a sympathy gift (optional)

In some situations, offering condolences via text or direct message is the best thing to do. However, in some cases, it’s just the beginning of the condolence process. If you feel led, don’t be afraid to follow-up your text with a handwritten card, a sympathy gift, an offer of help, or attendance at the funeral service. All of these are good ways to offer your support to a grieving friend or family member.

Focus on a man's hands as he holds his smartphone and reads his text messages

When Not to Text

While texting is often just fine, there are some instances when a text message isn’t the best option. You will need to use discretion and wisdom. If you regularly communicate with the person through text, then send them a text. If you use direct message on Facebook, Instagram, or some other social media platform, send the message there instead. And if you typically talk on the phone, give them a call and leave a voicemail.

And if the grieving person has posted a memorial or announcement on their social media channels (find more etiquette tips here), you can also post your condolence message directly to that post. Just make sure it doesn’t share personal details that are better left in a private message.

Now that we’ve reviewed some basic etiquette for writing condolence texts and online messages, let’s review some samples that will help you craft the perfect condolence.

Comforting Texts for Any Loss

  • I heard about [name] and want you to know I’m thinking of you, praying for you, and grieving with you.
  • I’m so sorry to hear about [name]. I just wanted to share my favorite photo of [name] with you. [She/He] had a great smile and will be so missed!
  • God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). Thinking of you, dear friend!
  • Although we are miles apart, my heart and spirit are with you right now. I’m so sorry for your loss.
  • I was deeply saddened to hear of your [mom’s, dad’s, grandfather’s] passing. [She/He] was such a great inspiration to me. Please let me know how I can help you during this difficult time.
  • Please accept my heartfelt condolences to you and your family on your [uncle’s, cousin’s, brother’s] death. I’m sure that [his/her] memory will forever live on in your hearts.
  • My deepest sympathies go out to you, my friend. May you find comfort and peace during this difficult time. Know that I’m here for you.
  • I was so sad to hear about your loss. I’m thinking of you and wishing you strength through this difficult time.
  • I’ll always remember [name’s] big heart and contagious smile. I’m praying for you and your family.

Young woman standing outside, reading smartphone messages with a gentle smile on her face

  • My heart aches for you and your loved ones right now. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, but you are in my heart and thoughts.
  • I don’t really know what to say, except that I’m sending all my love your way. I’m so sorry for your loss.
  • My heart hurts for what you’re going through. I’m praying for you and your family.
  • I just heard about your beautiful [mother, sister, grandmother]. I’m so sorry this has happened, and I am wishing your family peace and strength during this time.
  • I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I am humbled and honored to have met [name]. [She/He] was such a beautiful soul and will be deeply missed by many.
  • I’ll never forget [name’s] kindness, compassion, and contagious laughter [change to other descriptors, as needed]. May you find comfort in the knowledge that [she/he] brought light and goodness everything [he/she] went. I’m so sorry for your loss.
  • I’m not sure what the right thing to say is, but I’m truly sorry for your loss. I hope you know how much you mean to me and my family. We’re here for you.
  • Don’t worry about responding…I just wanted you to know how sorry I am to hear about [name]. I’m here for you anytime you need me.

Older man standing in his kitchen at home, reading messages on his phone

Comforting Texts with an Offer of Support

  • No words can describe how sorry I am for your loss. Can I do anything for you?
  • I wish I could take away your pain. Please know, I’m here for you and want to be a support in whatever way you need. Can I run errands for you or pick up dinner?
  • I heard about your [brother, sister, friend]. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’d love to check in with you and see how you’re doing in a few days. Can I call on [day]?
  • Hi, friend. You may need some space right now, but I wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about the loss of your [dad, brother, friend]. I’m thinking of you, and when you’re ready, I’m here to listen and support you.
  • I am heartbroken to hear about [name’s] passing. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling right now, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Can I drop off dinner or run any errands for you?
  • No words can take away the grief that you feel. Even so, I want to say that I love you, and I’m here for you. Can I stop by sometime to give you a hug or drop off a meal?
  • I heard about [name’s] passing, and I’m so sorry I can’t be with you in person. My thoughts are never far from you during this time. Please let me know if you’d like to chat on the phone or even hop on a video call. I’m here for you.
  • I just heard about [name]. I know the two of you were close, and I’m so sorry that this happened. Is there anything I can do for you? I’m here to talk, meet up, run errands – whatever you need.
  • I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but please know, you’re not alone. Just say the word, and I’ll be at your house right away.

Mature woman sitting on her couch at home as she reads messages on her smartphone

No Response? That’s Okay

Hopefully these examples will give you inspiration for creating a personalized text message or direct message that comes straight from your heart. If you don’t receive a response to your text, don’t let that hurt your feelings. Your grieving friend has a lot going on and responding to texts is likely low on the list of priorities. Instead, continue to offer support and kindness. If you can, attend the funeral or send a follow-up text/message in a few days. You could say, “I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to check in. How are you? Can I help you in any way?”

During times of grief and loss, we all need to know that our friends and family love and support us. Offering a short condolence may feel hard in the moment, but it will go a long way to making the grieving person feel loved and seen.

6 Ways to Say Thank You to a Funeral Home

By Explore Options, Grief/Loss, Living Well

During a time of loss, it’s common to feel lost, overwhelmed, and a little anxious. When the funeral home steps into your grief and provides top-quality care and compassionate service, it can feel like a soothing balm to an aching heart. You don’t have to do this alone – there are people to help. When you’ve received excellent service from a funeral home, you might want to thank them personally, but what can you do? Let’s talk about 6 simple ways you can express your gratitude to the funeral directors and staff members who have made a difficult time a little bit easier.

Write a thank you card

View from above of woman sitting at table writing a thank you note with coffee and cell phone nearby

One of the simplest and most touching ways you can say thank you is through a handwritten note. By taking time to thoughtfully select a card and add your own sentiments to it, you can really make the funeral home staff feel good about the work they have done. Plus, your words affirm that their role was important to your grief journey and that they really did help you during a time of loss. That’s what matters most – knowing they took care of you well!

Leave a Google review

View of cell phone open to review site with person about to submit 5-star review

If you prefer typing to handwriting, then leaving a Google review would be an excellent way to thank a funeral home. Not only will they have a chance to read your words of gratitude, others in the community will also see what you have rated the funeral home. In a time when reviews help us choose many services, leaving a positive review can really help the funeral home gain credibility in the community and become a resource for more area families during times of grief and loss. If you aren’t sure how to leave a Google review, ask the funeral home or check out this how-to guide.

Give the gift of food

Dad and daughter making homemade muffins in kitchen

Who doesn’t love good food? Whether it’s a box of donuts or muffins, an edible arrangement or Starbucks coffee traveler, homemade cookies or zucchini bread, or even a fully catered meal from the local breakfast joint, there are so many ways to say thank you with food. Simply choose an option that’s easy and meaningful to you and include a note. Funeral home staff work long hours and take few breaks, so you can bet that anything you drop off will be eaten and fully enjoyed!

Sign up for a video testimonial

Foreground with camera on tripod with blurred background of woman leaving a review

Many funeral homes are expanding their technological offerings. For some funeral homes, that means spreading the word about their services through video. If you would like to help the funeral home, consider signing up to give a personal testimonial. Think of it like a review but recorded! When other families hear your story, they will be even more comfortable choosing the funeral home for their own funeral care needs, when the time comes.

Offer a hug or handshake

Two men shaking hands warmly

For those of you who are huggers, feel free to give one to your funeral director and other staff members. They know how hard it is to lose a loved one and have personally experienced the roller coaster of emotions you’ve been through. Knowing that they made a difference in your life is all the thanks they need. And a hug speaks volumes! Of course, if you aren’t a hugger, no problem. Shake a hand or pat a shoulder instead. Pairing your words of gratitude with a small physical expression makes an impact!

Make a handmade gift

One person giving a wrapped gift to another person

Whether you love to knit, crochet, paint, woodwork, or do something else entirely, you can use your creativity to thank the funeral home staff. Knit scarves. Crochet beanies. Paint a mini canvas. Whittle figurines or an entire chess set. You can give a handmade gift to each individual person, or you can create something that will grace the funeral home as a whole, like a handmade pillow for a chair or couch. No matter what you love making, you can use your talent to say thank you.

Feel free to take these suggestions and run with them (one or even all of them). However, remember that you aren’t limited to these ideas. They are a starting place for your own creativity and imagination. And really, anything you do will touch the hearts of the funeral home staff – you can count on it!

Mourning as a Community in the Face of Tragedy

By Current Events, Exclude from Top Posts

Senseless. Horrifying. Heartbreaking. No words can capture the disbelief and heartbreak we feel at learning about the mass shooting in Allen, Texas, at Allen Premium Outlets. At this time eight victims are confirmed dead, and several others are receiving treatment at a local hospital. After an event like this, less than a year after the tragic events in Uvalde at Robb Elementary School, we’re all left stunned and grappling with questions.

Tragedies like the events unfolding in Allen encompass not only the grief and mourning of individual families but of entire communities. As we seek to mourn the victims and process the events, we should consider how to mourn together, as people, as communities.

People of different backgrounds and ethnicities holding hands in solidarity

Communally, how do we mourn such traumatic events?

Respected grief expert, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, has worked with families dealing with grief over the unexpected, traumatic death of a loved one. He says, “After someone you care about dies a sudden, violent death, you are forced to struggle with both the traumatic nature of the death and your grief over the loss. Naturally, traumatized mourners often find themselves replaying and reconsidering over and over the circumstances of the death. This is both normal and necessary. Such replay helps you begin to acknowledge the reality of the death and integrate it into your life. It’s as if your mind needs to devote time and energy to comprehending the circumstances of the death before it can move on to grieving the fact that this person will no longer be part of your life.”

As individuals, as communities, we struggle to comprehend these events. How and why would anyone do this? The survivors and the victims’ families will likely replay the day in their minds over and over. They may even wonder if they could have done something different. They couldn’t have. No one could have known what had been planned. So, now we ask, how do we move forward? We band together, support each other, and mourn as one.

What does it mean to mourn?

Grief is an internal feeling. It is the part of us that feels anguish over these events. Mourning is an outward expression of our internal grief, and it pushes us to externalize our grief, to take action to express that grief. Without externally expressing our grief, emotions can become internalized and remain inside us, unaddressed.

When an event touches an entire community, an entire nation, it is important to externalize our grief and mourn TOGETHER.

Woman attending a community vigil, holding a candle of remembrance

Community mourning – how do we do that?

Prayer Vigils

First, our churches and houses of worship can open their doors for prayer vigils. After the events at the Boston Marathon, places of worship all over the city opened their doors to the community. It was an act of communal mourning and a way to come together, grieve together, and heal together.

Candlelight Vigils

Similarly, individuals, businesses, churches, or schools can coordinate candlelight vigils and invite their communities to participate. In 2007, the Virginia Tech shooting horrified the nation. Then, and even now, ten years later, the community, the students, and the families came together to mourn and to remember those who lost their lives. The candle indicates the unity of those participating, their prayers and thoughts for the victims, and their desire to remember those who have been lost.

Many red carnations left a memorial for those who died

Memorials

Finally, communities mourn together through creating memorials. To mourn the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, people near and far came together, wrote prayer notes, paid their respects at memorials throughout town, mourning the tragic events together. These memorials help us feel connected to the victims. As a result, they give us a way to show that we care about them, that we mourn their loss.

Communal mourning events are important. We are all affected by this event in some measure, and we need to support each other, giving special support to the survivors and the families of the victims. A significant way that we, as friends, neighbors, and fellow Americans, can show our support is to come together to acknowledge and mourn this significant loss.

Person in white sweater leaving a flower memorial of pink flowers

How can we take action?

  1. Donate blood to your local blood bank.
  2. Give funds toward the victims’ funerals and assist the families financially.
  3. Participate in moments of silence, prayer or candlelight vigils, or visit memorials to offer a token of our mourning.
  4. Create an emergency plan for our families, in preparation for unexpected events.

It is imperative that we mourn as communities; that we support and pray for those most closely affected by this senseless act; and that we come together and deepen the ties of our communities. May God be with the families and friends of the victims of these tragedies.

Casket surrounded by floral arrangements, including floral scarf of red and white flowers

6 Ways to Personalize a Casket

By Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Personalization, Planning Tools

When planning a funeral service, the best way to create a truly unique, one-of-a-kind experience is to add personalized touches throughout the events. That might mean selecting special music, choosing a theme (like a certain color or pop culture reference), allowing family and friends to share memories, including hobby items or collectibles – there are so many options. But did you know that you can also personalize the casket itself? Let’s talk about 6 ways you can do it!

silver gray casket with casket spray of red roses lying on top

1. Choose a Color or Theme

If you have a specific vision for the perfect casket, all you need to do is speak with your chosen funeral home about your ideas. Whether you’d like a specific color (like purple, pink, or even zebra) or you’d like a specific theme (like space, John Deere tractors, or unicorns), the funeral director can work with you to ensure that your preferences are accommodated. You can also request custom head panel or lining fabric to complete the personalization.

2. Commission a Specific Shape

While the four-sided casket is the most popular choice in the United States, you can commission a specific shape. For instance, if you’d like a casket shaped like an M&M candy, a Viking longship, or even a pineapple, you can request it. Of course, it will take extra time and money to create a custom casket. With that in mind, speak with your funeral director to discuss the best way to move forward with a custom shape and how that may affect the timing of funeral services.

Bright blue casket with silver accents to showcase a custom casket idea

3. Add Etchings or Photos

Another option for personalizing a casket is to add etchings or photos to it. While photos are somewhat self-explanatory (you choose the ones you want to include), etchings may require a little explanation. With etchings, you can include any type of symbol you want – religious symbols, pop culture references, crests, anything you wish. You will work closely with the funeral director as you create the perfect design for your custom casket.

4. Place Special Items Inside the Casket

If you are looking for a way to personalize the casket without putting in a custom order, you can! Because the casket often has space along the sides or at the foot, it’s possible to bury a loved one with meaningful possessions. For example, you can include photos, special mementos, jewelry, stuffed animals, and other small items. If the person was a firefighter, you could include their helmet or a flag from their station. If they were a veteran, you can include any medals or special honors they received.

Casket draped with American flag at funeral service

5. Drape a Casket Blanket or Flag

When the casket is closed, you can always drape a casket blanket or flag over it to add personalization. A casket blanket is a beautifully designed floral arrangement that looks like a blanket and drapes over the casket. They are available in a variety of colors and create a truly stunning addition to the service. However, you can also use other items to drape over the casket. For example, you can drape a flag of any kind – an American flag, a sports team flag, an organization, etc. Also, if you’d like, you can also drape an actual blanket, like a quilt or throw. Whatever means the most to you and your family.

6. Select a Floral Accent

It’s quite common to accent a casket with a floral arrangement, but there are actually quite a few options to choose from. The casket blanket is one option, but you can also choose a casket spray, a floral garland, or a floral scarf.

  • Casket spray – most common; lays on top of the casket
  • Floral garland – flowers that are displayed at the hinge of an open casket; often constructed by binding together the arrangement with wire or tape until it is somewhat rope-like in appearance
  • Casket scarf – an arrangement that drapes over the top of the casket; displayed with fabric resembling a scarf

Casket surrounded by floral arrangements, including floral scarf of red and white flowers

As you can see, there are quite a few options for personalizing a casket. All you have to do is determine which ones make the most sense for your loved one and fit into your budget. At a time of loss, many families end up “emotionally overspending,” so before you commit to anything, speak with your funeral director about pricing and options.

Also, a quick note, it is possible to plan ahead for funeral wishes, so if you do want something specific for your casket, you can write those specifications down and set aside funds to pay for it. Set up a consultation with a funeral professional to learn more about how planning ahead for funeral wishes not only gives your family peace of mind, but it also gives you the opportunity to make your personal wishes known!

Person standing next to flag-draped casket, hand resting on top of casket

Veterans’ Burial Benefits FAQ

By Planning Tools, Veterans 3 Comments

With so many benefits available to veterans, it’s hard to keep track of all of them. To help you out, here’s a list of frequently asked questions about burial benefits and their answers!

veteran cemetery headstones with small American flags and floral arrangement

Q: What are my burial benefits as a veteran?

A: The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) offers burial benefits for eligible veterans, their spouses, and their dependent children. These burial benefits include, at no cost to the family:

  • A burial space in a national cemetery. Burial spaces may not be arranged in advance but are offered to families as the need arises. In addition, certain state cemeteries offer burial spaces to veterans. Be sure to check with your local state cemetery about any fees or charges that may apply.
  • Grave liner, opening and closing of the grave, and perpetual care (for those buried in a national cemetery)
  • A government-issued headstone, marker, or medallion (all eligible veterans)
  • One burial flag (all eligible veterans)
  • A Presidential Memorial Certificate (all eligible veterans)
  • Burial and plot allowances (amounts determined by VA; only for veterans not buried in a national cemetery)

For more in-depth information about these benefits, contact your local VA office, go to www.benefits.va.gov, or speak with a funeral professional who is well-versed in veterans’ burial benefits.

Q: Will the VA pay for my funeral?

A: The VA does not directly pay for funeral or burial/cremation expenses, such as the cost of a casket, embalming, cremation, viewing, flowers, obituaries, or transportation of the remains. However, the person who paid for the funeral expenses of a veteran may be eligible to apply for a reimbursement or “allowance” for a portion of the funeral and burial/cremation expenses. You will find instructions on how to apply for a reimbursement here.

Person standing next to flag-draped casket, hand resting on top of casket

Q: What type of reimbursement or allowance does the VA provide for funeral expenses?

A: The VA offers an allowance to cover a portion of funeral and burial/cremation costs. If a veteran dies due to a service-connected cause, the family of a veteran may be eligible for an allowance of up to $2,000.  For a non-service-connected death, the VA will pay a specified amount to the family. Plot interment and burial/cremation and funeral allowance amounts are dependent on the date of death and whether or not the veteran was under VA hospital care at the time of death.

Q: What determines eligibility for VA burial benefits, allowances, and reimbursements?

A: To receive VA burial benefits, you must be a veteran of the Armed Forces (Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps, Coast Guard) with a discharge other than dishonorable. If a veteran has anything less than a general discharge, he or she may not qualify for burial benefits. Certain discharges other than honorable are considered on a case-by-case basis by the VA Regional Office to determine eligibility.

Reservists and National Guard members may qualify based on their retirement status and whether or not they died while on active duty or on official orders. Spouses and minor or disabled children of an eligible veteran may also be eligible for burial benefits. In some cases, parents of an eligible veteran may be eligible for burial benefits as well.

To determine your specific eligibility status, contact your VA Regional Office or visit www.cem.va.gov/cem/burial_benefits/eligible.asp for a complete list of eligibility requirements.

Next of kin receiving the burial flag from a uniformed service member

Q: What benefits will my family members receive?

A: Burial benefits are available to eligible spouses and dependents who choose burial in a national cemetery. Benefits include burial with the veteran, perpetual care, and the spouse or dependent’s name and date of birth and death inscribed on the veteran’s headstone.

Q: How does my family request military honors?

A: Once you have a funeral home partner, your funeral director will contact the honor guard to request military honors. At the committal service, the service member will present one burial flag to the next of kin. Make sure to let your funeral director know to whom the flag should be presented.

Q: How can I ensure my family receives the benefits they are entitled to?

A: First, ensure that your family is aware of your veteran status and your desire for them to access your veterans’ burial benefits when you die. Second, to access your burial benefits, they will need a copy of your DD 214 form or an equivalent form. This form identifies the classification of discharge. If the DD 214 form is misplaced or lost, contact Veteran Affairs or your local Veteran Service Officer to request a replacement form. You can also find more information online here.

Administrative military service member providing DD 214 documentation, signing it

Q: What is the difference between a national cemetery and a state cemetery?

A: The main difference is that state governments manage state veteran cemeteries. However, in many cases, VA grants fund state veteran cemeteries, so they must adhere to federal eligibility requirements.

Burial benefits often include opening and closing of the grave, perpetual care, grave liner, and the setting of the government-furnished headstone or marker. Eligible veterans also receive one burial flag and a Presidential Memorial Certificate.

Please note, some state cemeteries may charge for interment of the veteran and eligible spouse or dependent children. Check with your funeral director to get more information about the state veteran cemeteries in your area.

Q: If I choose burial in a private cemetery, will I still receive benefits?

A: Veterans buried in a private cemetery may be eligible to receive a government-furnished headstone, marker, or medallion, one burial flag, and Presidential Memorial Certificate, at no cost to the family. The VA will not pay for cemetery plots or opening and closing of graves at private cemeteries. However, your family can apply for a reimbursement (called an “allowance,” as mentioned above). Spouses and dependents buried in a private cemetery are not eligible to receive any VA benefits.

Q: What happens if my non-veteran spouse or child dies first?

A: Eligible spouses and dependents may be buried in a national cemetery, even if they predecease the veteran. If you are interested in burial at a state veteran cemetery, contact the cemetery directly to find out their regulations on the burial of a non-veteran spouse or child.

Folded American flag lying on top of a granite headstone that says R.I.P.

Q: How does my family file a claim for burial benefits?

A: For information on how to apply for a burial allowance or plot allowance, click here. If you would like to request burial in a national cemetery, the easiest thing is to let your funeral director know. They can take care of most details for you. However, if you’d like, you can contact the National Cemetery Administration directly at 800-698-2411 (TTY: 711).

Q: As a veteran, can I be buried at Arlington National Cemetery?

A: Burials at Arlington National Cemetery are reserved for:

  • Service members who die on active duty
  • Military retirees
  • Recipients of the Medal of Honor, Distinguished Service Cross, Navy Cross, Air Force Cross, Distinguished Service Medal, Silver Star, or Purple Heart
  • Burial is also available for eligible spouses and dependent children

Q: Does the VA cover the cost of transportation to a national or state cemetery?

A: If a veteran dies as the result of a service-connected disability, is under VA care at the time of death, or is receiving a VA pension or compensation, some or all of the costs for transporting the veteran’s remains to a national cemetery may be reimbursed. The VA will advise the next of kin or person making the burial arrangements on this matter.

Hopefully, the answers to these frequently asked questions have helped you get a better understanding of the veterans’ burial benefits available through the Department of Veterans Affairs. But of course, should you have questions, don’t hesitate to reach out to the VA directly or contact a trusted funeral professional. Thank you for your service!

Shows a view of graves at Arlington National Cemetery with cherry blossom trees

Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: Arlington National Cemetery

By Memorial, Veterans

Our debt to the heroic men and valiant women in the service of our country can never be repaid. They have earned our undying gratitude. America will never forget their sacrifices.” – President Harry S. Truman

Memorial Day is a day set aside every year to honor and remember the many men and women who have died while serving the United States of America and its people. As we seek to honor them, let us remember them and the great sacrifices they made to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Arlington National Cemetery

Shows a view of graves at Arlington National Cemetery with cherry blossom trees

The most well-known of all military cemeteries in the United States, Arlington National Cemetery is a beautiful, solemn, and reverent place, filled with a spirit of heroism, courage, sacrifice, and dedication. With occupants from every major American conflict since the Revolutionary War, Arlington National Cemetery is the final resting place of more than 400,000 military service members and their eligible dependents.

In the beginning, the cemetery was just 200 acres (1864) but has since grown to 639 acres (2020). At present, 25-30 funerals are conducted every weekday and 7-8 each day of the weekend. With burial space dwindling, the National Cemetery Administration is looking into options for how they can ensure military members can continue to request interment at Arlington National Cemetery.

Shows military funeral procession at Arlington National Cemetery complete with horse-drawn caisson

How It Came to Be

The cemetery has a rather unusual history. Arlington National Cemetery used to be Arlington House, the historic family residence of Robert E. Lee. Yes, that Robert E. Lee. Originally established by George Washington Parke Custis, adoptive grandson of George Washington, Arlington House was passed down to Mary Custis Lee, wife of Robert E. Lee.

The Lee family made their home at Arlington House prior to the American Civil War, but they were forced to abandon it after war was declared. Then, the U.S. Army seized the estate for its strategic location overlooking every federal building in the nation’s capital. On May 13, 1864, the first burial was conducted – for Private William Christman. By the end of the war, approximately 16,000 soldiers were interred on the grounds.

However, after the war ended, the Lee family challenged ownership of the estate, saying that it had been illegally confiscated during the war. Taxes had been due, but the family was denied the opportunity to pay the taxes, resulting in the loss of the home. After many years and court dates, the U.S. Supreme Court agreed with the Lee family in 1882. Ownership was returned to George Washington Custis Lee, son of Robert and Mary Custis Lee. He then sold the land back to the U.S. federal government, so it could continue as a national cemetery.

For an even more in-depth history of the cemetery, click here to read an article from Smithsonian Magazine.

Significant Features of the Cemetery

In addition to paying their respects and taking in the sea of white headstones, many visitors to Arlington National Cemetery will stop by three main features: the Eternal Flame, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and Arlington House.

The Eternal Flame

Shows Eternal Flame at John F. Kennedy's gravesite

Of the many Americans buried in Arlington National Cemetery, John F. Kennedy (commonly called JFK), the 35th president of the United States, is perhaps one of the most famous. After his assassination in 1963, his wife Jackie Kennedy wanted the American public to have access to JFK’s grave, so they might pay their respects. As a veteran, JFK was eligible for burial at Arlington National Cemetery.

In the three years following his death, it’s estimated that more than 16 million people visited his final resting place. Because of the large crowds, the Kennedy family constructed a larger grave site and included the Eternal Flame, a symbol of hope and renewal, at the center of its circular design. Jackie Kennedy first lit the flame in 1967.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Three soldiers standing in front of The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, saluting and honoring the soldiers represented

Another prominent and well-known feature of the cemetery is the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. The most hallowed of all graves at Arlington National Cemetery, the tomb is dedicated to the unidentified dead of war.

Constructed in 1921 following World War I, an unidentified solider was selected at random to represent all U.S. unidentified fallen soldiers of the conflict. Now, the tomb also holds the remains of unidentified service members from World War II and the Korean War. Until 1998, a Vietnam War soldier also lay to rest in the tomb. However, through DNA testing, he was identified and returned to his family. His place remains vacant to this day.

The tomb is also famous for its Sentinels or tomb guards. The memorial is guarded 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and this elite group of soldiers consider it the highest honor to serve. They wear no rank insignia, command silence and respect at the tomb, and actively guard the tomb from any threat. For more information about the tomb, click here.

Arlington House

Shows Arlington House high on the hill, surrounded by blossoming trees and green grass

Originally built by George Washington Parke Custis, the house was intended to be a living memorial to President George Washington. Designed in the Greek revival style, the house includes several wings with bedrooms, formal dining and sitting rooms, a large hall, and a parlor. Following the death of her father, Mary Custis Lee inherited the home, and she and her husband Robert E. Lee lived there for 30 years until the outbreak of the American Civil War.

Built high on a hill overlooking the Potomac River, the house’s memorable exterior includes eight, massive columns. Today, Arlington National Cemetery visitors can tour the home at their leisure. A National Park Ranger is always on duty to answer questions. Arlington House is the most visited home in the entire National Park system, and it’s in the top 5 of most visited historical homes in the United States. It is a striking addition to any visit to the beautiful cemetery grounds.

Shows the inscription on a military headstone

Why Do We Have Memorials?

Permanent memorials ensure a lasting tribute for those who have been loved and lost. They also allow us, as people, to honor those we wish to always remember. Just as we create memorials for our heroes, we also create them for our loved ones. There are five key reasons why permanent memorials are important, whether it is to commemorate an event, a group of people, or just one person, like a close loved one.

  1. A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
  2. It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects and connect with those who have died.
  3. It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
  4. A permanent memorial allows people the opportunity to remember and reflect on the lives lived.
  5. It ensures that the dead are remembered and respected.

For many of our veterans, a large-scale memorial honors the group as a whole, as is the case with the Vietnam Veterans Memorial or the World War II Memorial. However, at Arlington National Cemetery, individuals are honored. Each headstone states the name and rank of a specific person and remembers their individual service and sacrifice for our nation.

Wreaths on veteran gravesites

Want to Get Involved?

If you would like to honor those buried in Arlington National Cemetery, consider giving to Wreaths Across America. Every December, this organization lays wreaths at veteran graves at more than 3,700 locations across the nation. If you’d like to get involved, consider sponsoring a wreath or volunteering to participate in a wreath-laying ceremony. For more details, visit the Wreaths Across America website here.

Shows image of full memorial

Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: Marine Corps War Memorial

By Memorial, Veterans

Among those who served on Iwo Jima, uncommon valor was a common virtue.” – Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz

Memorial Day is a day set aside every year to honor and remember the many men and women who have died while serving the United States of America and its people. As we seek to honor them, let us remember them and the great sacrifices they made to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Marine Corps War Memorial

Shows image of full memorial

Also known as the Iwo Jima War Memorial, the Marine Corps War Memorial is dedicated to the lives and memory of all Marines who have given their lives in service to the United States since November 10, 1775. A commanding presence, the monument rests on a 7 and ½ acre tract of land approximately 100 feet above the Potomac River. While the monument honors Marines across nearly three centuries, the statue depicts events from Iwo Jima during World War II, a much-contested island during the battle for the Pacific.

How It Came to Be

After the end of World War II, Congress commissioned a memorial to honor the United States Marine Corps. During the Battle for Iwo Jima, six Marines hoisted an American flag atop Mount Suribachi, and photographer Joe Rosenthal of the Associated Press captured the iconic moment. The photo went on to win a Pulitzer Prize and became an inspiration for the Marine Corps War Memorial.

It took sculptor Felix de Weldon nine years to complete the project (1945-1954). Using a design created by Horace W. Peaslee, de Weldon first created the statue in plaster before taking it to Brooklyn, N.Y., for casting in bronze. The casting process alone took three years to complete. Once cast, the disassembled pieces were taken to Washington, D.C., where they were bolted and welded together. To make the statue as realistic as possible, de Weldon even modeled the faces of the men after the original flag-raisers. He was able to cast the faces of two of the surviving flag raisers faces in clay. He also scoured available pictures and records for the likenesses of the remaining four flag raisers.

The total cost of the memorial was $850,000, paid for with private donations from Marines and friends of the Marine Corps.  President Dwight D. Eisenhower dedicated the memorial on November 10, 1954, the 179th anniversary of the U.S. Marine Corps.

Shows dedication plaque that is affixed to Marine Corps War Memorial

The Story Behind the Marine Corps War Memorial

The island of Iwo Jima was considered strategically important during the Pacific theater of World War II. It was valuable for its ability to support long-range bombing missions against mainland Japan. Additionally, the Allies planned to use the island for sea and air blockades, intensive air bombardment, and a greater ability to destroy enemy air and naval capabilities.

The fighting began on February 19, 1945, and lasted 36 days. One regiment – the 28th Marines – sought to capture the extinct volcano Mount Suribachi. They did so on February 23, and as a result, there were actually two flag raisings. The first occurred on the morning of February 23 when the Marines first took the volcano, but the American flag was very small. As a result, Marines fighting all over the island couldn’t see the flag and gain encouragement from it. For that reason, later that same afternoon, six Marines hoisted a larger American flag in its place. It is this second flag raising that photographer Joe Rosenthal captured and became the inspiration for the Marine Corps War Memorial.

The six flag raisers were:

For many years, Rene Gagnon was believed to be one of the six, but the Marine Corps has since corrected that. However, Gagnon did play a major role. He carried the larger flag to the summit and then brought the smaller flag back down.

By the end of the fight for Iwo Jima on March 26, nearly 7,000 Marines had lost their lives. Amongst their number were Sergeant Strank, Corporal Block, and PFC Sousley. But the courage and determination of the Marines live on through the gratitude of an entire nation and the creation of the Marine Corps War Memorial.

Shows illustration of which figures are which men

Marine Corps War Memorial Statistics

  • The figures are 32 feet tall.
  • The bronze flagpole is 60 feet tall.
  • The flag flies 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
  • The figures occupy the same positions they did in the iconic Rosenthal image.
  • The M-l rifle and the carbine featured in the statue are 16 and 12 feet long, respectively.
  • The canteen would hold 32 quarts of water.
  • The figures stand on a rock slope above a granite base. The granite came from Sweden.
  • The entire memorial is about 78 feet tall.
  • The names and dates of every principal Marine Corps engagement form a gold ring around the base.

Why Do We Have Memorials?

Permanent memorials ensure a lasting tribute for those who have been loved and lost. They also allow us, as people, to honor those we wish to always remember. Just as we create memorials for our heroes, we also create them for our loved ones. There are five key reasons why permanent memorials are important, whether commemorating an event, a group of people, or just one person, like a close loved one.

  1. A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
  2. It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay respects and connect with those who have died.
  3. It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
  4. A permanent memorial allows people to remember and reflect on lives lost.
  5. It ensures that the dead are remembered and respected.

Large-scale memorials, such as the Vietnam Veterans Memorial or the World War II Memorial, honor an entire group. However, for individuals, families set headstones, grave markers, or inscriptions in place. Both types of memorialization are important and honoring to our veterans and our loved ones. 

Shows Marine uniform, dog tags, and boot

Want to Get Involved?

If you’d like to honor the Marines, consider volunteering with or donating to non-profits that support Marines and their families. A few reputable organizations to check out are the Marine Corps Association, the Marine Corps League Foundation, Semper Fi & America’s Fund, and the Marine Corps Scholarship Foundation.

Black and white French bulldog looking out the window

Is My Pet Grieving?

By Pets

Have you noticed behavioral changes in your pet? If you’ve recently lost a member of your family – human or animal – then your pet may be grieving. Pets are often very attuned to their humans and companion pets, so when a death occurs, they are likely to feel it, too. Because pets can’t speak, their grief often manifests in behavioral changes. So, the question becomes, “Is my pet grieving? How do I know?” Let’s talk about it.

Do Pets Grieve?

There’s solid research out there to support the fact that pets – especially dogs and cats – do grieve the loss of an owner or a fellow pet.

In a 2016 study out of New Zealand, it was found that dogs and cats exhibited behavioral changes associated with a death in the home. They were more likely to seek more affection, act clingy or needy, whimper or whine, and eat less, among other changes. Back in 1996, the ASPCA conducted a similar study on cats specifically. They called it the Companion Animal Mourning Project, and they had similar results. In fact, they found that most cats experience a significant increase in vocalization after the death of a family member.

Black and white French bulldog looking out the window

What Behavioral Changes Should I Look For?

As with humans, there’s no right or wrong way for your furry friend to grieve. However, there are certain behaviors that are common indicators that your pet is sad or in distress.

Look for:

  • Changes in appetite (eating less)
  • Acting withdrawn or sad
  • Whining, howling, yowling, or crying
  • Changes in personality (your standoffish cat becomes a cuddler)
  • Pacing or searching the house for the missing family member
  • Hiding from or avoiding other family members
  • Changes in grooming or bathroom habits (especially in cats)
  • Showing signs of separation anxiety
  • Changes in sleeping patterns (sleeping more or less than usual)

In their research on the topic, the ASPCA found that over 60% of pets experience four or more behavioral changes after losing a family member. So, if you think your pet may be grieving, it’s very likely they are!

Young woman holds gray, striped cat in her arms and kisses the cat's head

How Can I Help My Pet Grieve?

If your pet is exhibiting any of these behavioral changes, then they might be experiencing grief. Of course, if you just aren’t sure, make an appointment with your veterinarian. They can help rule out physical causes for the changes in your pet or put you in touch with a veterinary behaviorist (who can help your pet through any behavioral issues).

However, if your pet is grieving, there are some things you can do to help them:

Give them extra love and snuggles

If your pet is acting more needy, give them the extra love and attention they’re craving. It will help both of you as you mourn the loss of a family member.

Reinforce good behavior and ignore bad behavior

If your pet is acting out because of grief (howling, having bathroom troubles, etc.), try not to punish them for it. Instead, be patient with them; the behavior will pass. Additionally, you may be tempted to comfort your pet when they are crying, pacing, or acting distressed. However, if the behavior is unwanted, don’t reinforce it with soft words or pets. You may accidentally end up encouraging the behavior.

Man and woman sitting on couch with black dachshund sitting on the man's lap

Give it time

The death of a family member causes disruption for everyone, including a pet. Everyone needs time to figure out what the household looks like now that a member is gone. With multiple pets, the remaining pets will need to figure out their new social structure, and that takes time.

Maintain daily routines

Go for walks, have playtime, give treats and regular meals. People and pets thrive on routine during times of stress and strain, so as much as possible, give that to your four-legged friend.

Carefully consider when to introduce a new pet

If your current pet was very attached to the pet who has died, don’t be too hasty in bringing a new pet into the home. Give your grieving pet time to process the loss and go back to normal behaviors before introducing a new pet.

Fluffy calico cat lays on a bed and receives pets from its owner

Provide entertainment while you’re gone

If your pet is showing signs of separation anxiety, give them things to do when you have to be away from the house. Hide treats around the house, put in a scratching post, lay out favorite toys, or buy a new toy.

Not all pets will exhibit feelings of grief, and that’s completely normal. However, if your pet is amongst the many pets that do grieve the loss of a human or animal family member, give them the care and compassion they need. Establish your new home routines. Give them love and affection (when they aren’t acting out). In time, they should adjust to the new normal in your household, but if their behavioral changes don’t improve or get worse, reach out to your veterinarian for professional help.

Young man standing in front of casket with his hand resting on it as he says goodbye

130+ Questions Your Family Will Have to Answer After a Death

By Estate Planning, Explore Options, Plan Ahead

Most people don’t realize just how many questions surviving family members will need to answer following the death of a loved one. That’s why advance preparation is so important. From prearranging your funeral plan to gathering all your estate planning documents, you can lessen the burden your family will feel at a time of loss. When they are feeling numb, sad, confused, shocked, it will be a true comfort to know that everything is already organized and complete. It’s a final gift to them.

But what kinds of questions will they have to answer? Here’s a sampling of more than 130 questions that your family will need to answer (and there will likely be even more!).

Vital Statistics & Obituary Information

Older man in blue button-down shirt sitting at table at home, completing forms

  1. What is the deceased’s full name (first, middle, last)?
  2. What is the deceased’s complete home address?
  3. What is the deceased’s telephone number?
  4. What is the deceased’s sex?
  5. What is the deceased’s race?
  6. What is the deceased’s date of birth?
  7. What is the deceased’s place of birth?
  8. What is the deceased’s marital status?
  9. If married, what is the spouse’s name?
  10. What is the deceased’s highest level of education completed?
  11. Is the deceased a veteran (if yes, see additional questions below)?
  12. What is the deceased’s citizenship (American, Canadian, Mexican, etc.)?
  13. What is the deceased’s father’s full name?
  14. What is the deceased’s father’s birthplace?
  15. What is the deceased’s mother’s full name, including maiden name?
  16. What is the deceased’s mother’s birthplace?
  17. What is the deceased’s Social Security number?
  18. How long did the deceased live at any current/former residence(s)?
  19. What was the deceased’s occupation, job title, and work history?
  20. How many years was the deceased employed at each job?
  21. What is the address of the deceased’s last workplace?
  22. What is the telephone number for the deceased’s last workplace?
  23. How long has the deceased lived in the community?
  24. What is the deceased’s date and place of marriage?
  25. Who preceded the deceased in death?
  26. Was the deceased involved in the community? If so, which organizations?
  27. Was the deceased a member of a church or religious organization? If so, which ones?
  28. Did the deceased have any hobbies, interests, or passions to highlight in the obituary?
  29. Are there any favorite family memories, life lessons, or treasured accomplishments to include in the obituary?

Veterans & Servicemembers

Older veteran saluting the American flag

  1. What name did the deceased serve under (full name)?
  2. What branch did the deceased serve in?
  3. What is the deceased’s serial/service number?
  4. What was the deceased’s rank at discharge?
  5. What was the deceased’s date and place of enlistment?
  6. What was the deceased’s date and place of service?
  7. What type of discharge did the deceased receive?
  8. What was the date of discharge?
  9. Do you have a copy of the discharge certificate (DD 214)?
  10. Who will contact the Veterans Administration to report the death?
  11. Would you like to request military honors at the service?
  12. Will interment take place in a state-owned or national veterans cemetery? If yes, which one?
  13. Would you like to receive a presidential memorial certificate in honor of the deceased’s service?
  14. Would you like to request a government-issued headstone?
  15. Would you like to request a government-issued flag to drape over the casket or urn?
  16. Have you talked with the VA about the burial benefits the deceased may be eligible to receive, including monetary assistance?
  17. Are there any special requests or elements you’d like to include at the final tribute in honor of the veteran’s military service?

Funeral Service Information

Young man standing in front of casket with his hand resting on it as he says goodbye

Service Details

  1. Did the deceased complete a prearranged funeral plan? If so, which funeral home?
  2. If the deceased did not prearrange funeral plans, do you have a preferred funeral home?
  3. Who are the primary contacts for funeral arrangements?
  4. Does the deceased prefer burial or cremation?
  5. Would you like a private ceremony (family only) or one open to the public?
  6. What funeral events would you like to include (funeral service, memorial service, committal service, reception, visitation, viewing, Mass, etc.)?
  7. Once you have determined what funeral events you’d like to include, what dates and times would you like to request for these events?
  8. What clothing would you like the deceased to wear at any open-casket events?
  9. Would you like any food served at the funeral service or a gathering afterward?
  10. Who will serve as pallbearers?
  11. Where would you like the funeral service to take place (funeral home, church, residence, organization, outdoors, etc.)?
  12. What type of service would the deceased prefer (religious, fraternal, military, etc.)?
  13. Are there any reasons to delay the service?
  14. Who will deliver the eulogy? Will there be other speakers?
  15. Would you like an open or closed casket service?
  16. Who would you like to officiate the service (clergy, family member, celebrant, etc.)?
  17. How many death certificates would you like to order (ask funeral director for best practices)?
  18. Would you like to include a framed portrait of the deceased at any services?
  19. How will you pay for the funeral expenses?

Personalization Preferences

Still of an old camera sitting on photos, representing a photographer's life

  1. What music would you like to include at the service? Do you want live music from a musician or vocalist?
  2. Do you want floral arrangements at the service or around the casket/urn?
  3. If so, which florist would you like to use?
  4. Have you written an obituary, or would you like the funeral home to do so?
  5. Do you want a death notice published in a newspaper?
  6. Would you like memorial items available at the service, such as programs, register book, and memorial/prayer cards?
  7. What photos or text would you like to include on any memorial items?
  8. What readings would you like read at the service (poems, religious texts, lyrics, etc.)?
  9. Do you prefer that well-wishers send flowers?
  10. Do you prefer that well-wishers give charitable contributions to a certain organization? If so, which organization?
  11. If there is a gathering or meal after the service, is catering required? If yes, which restaurant?
  12. Are there any personal items you’d like to display at the service or gathering to personalize the event?
  13. Would you like a memorial tribute video with photos/videos from the deceased’s life?
  14. Do you want to include a time for friends and family to share their most precious memories?
  15. Do you have pictures, music, or personal items you’d like to include at the visitation, service, or gathering?
  16. Is there a unique hobby or interest that you’d like to include at the service (firetruck, tractor, motorcycle, quilts, artwork, favorite horse, etc.)?
  17. Are there any favorite foods you’d like include at a gathering or reception?
  18. Are there any activities you’d like to include in the service (singing a favorite song, lighting candles, releasing doves, writing down memories, etc.)?

Cemetery & Committal/Graveside Service

Young woman wearing black dress visits grave and leaves beautiful flowers

  1. With burial, what kind of casket do you prefer?
  2. With cremation, what kind of urn do you prefer?
  3. What kind of headstone or monument do you prefer – plaque, upright, customized, engraved?
  4. What inscription would you like engraved on the headstone?
  5. Does the deceased own a cemetery plot? If yes, where is the deed or proof of ownership?
  6. What is the cemetery lot’s section, lot number, and space number?
  7. Do you know the cemetery name and phone number?
  8. If there’s no cemetery plot, where would you like the deceased to be interred?
  9. For cremated remains, would you prefer urn burial, scattering, columbarium niche, or something else?
  10. What type of outer burial container would you prefer?
  11. Would you like to use the funeral car to transport the family to the committal service?
  12. Would you like to use the flower car to transport floral arrangements to the committal service?
  13. What kind of cemetery property do you want (companion, individual, mausoleum, columbarium, etc.)?
  14. Are there any personal touches you’d like to include at a committal/graveside service (certain music, speakers, military honors, release of butterflies or doves, etc.)?

Estate Planning Assistance

Mature couple sitting at table together as they work on estate planning documents

  1. Did the deceased have a legal will? If so, where is it, and what does it say?
  2. Did the deceased have a power of attorney on file? If so, who is the appointed agent?
  3. Do you have access to all usernames and passwords needed for online accounts?
  4. Where is the deceased’s birth certificate?
  5. Is there a living trust that outlines any special wishes?
  6. Do you have a copy of the deceased’s marriage license?
  7. What is the deceased’s attorney’s name and contact information?
  8. Are there any current or urgent bills to pay?
  9. Are there any medical bills to pay?
  10. Do you have copies of any insurance policies (life, health, accident, property, auto, home, etc.)?
  11. Is all beneficiary information up to date?
  12. Are there any active disability claims for the deceased?
  13. Do you have the deceased’s banking information?
  14. Did the deceased have a safety deposit box? If so, do you have access to it?
  15. Do you have access or information on any other financial accounts in the deceased’s name?
  16. Do you have the correct tax identification number (if applicable)?
  17. Do you have the ability to cancel any direct deposit payments?
  18. Do you have contact information for any creditors, such as mortgages, personal loans, credit card companies, etc.?
  19. Do you have a copy of all property deeds?
  20. Do you have documentation of all vehicle titles or bills of sale?
  21. Do you have access to the deceased’s income tax returns?

Who to Contact After a Death

Young woman making phone calls from her home

  1. Are there any relatives you should inform of the death?
  2. Are there any friends or neighbors you should inform?
  3. Are there any community members you should inform?
  4. Are there any employers or co-workers you should inform?
  5. Who will call the deceased’s employer (if applicable)?
  6. Who will inform the attorney of the death?
  7. Who will inform the accountant of the death?
  8. Who will inform the financial planner of the death?
  9. Who will inform the executor of the death?
  10. Who will inform credit card companies of the death?
  11. Who will call the Social Security Administration to report the death?
  12. Who will call the VA to report the death (if applicable)?
  13. Who will call any necessary insurance companies?
  14. Are there any religious, fraternal, or civic organizations to inform of the death?

As you can see, the list is extensive and includes a wide range of personal and financial topics. Can you imagine trying to answer all these questions in a short period of time? It’s overwhelming, but with a little preparation, you can ensure that everything is easier and smoother for those you love.

For more resources, check out:

What is Advance Funeral Planning?

What to Expect at a Preplanning Appointment

Getting Your Affairs in Order

How to Make Digital Estate Planning Simple

The 5 Most Important Estate Planning Documents

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