christy.kessler, Author at Funeral Basics

May 01

Image of Vietnam Women's Memorial sculpture

Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: Vietnam Women’s Memorial

By christy.kessler Memorial, Veterans

“I want to say how proud I was of the women I served with, and how much we cared for these young men who served during that era. I’m so grateful to all those wounded soldiers in particular who came to stand by our side and support us to help us get [the] memorial built. They were so appreciative and so grateful.” – Diane Carlson Evans, Captain in the Army Nurse Corps

Memorial Day is a day set aside every year to honor and remember the many men and women who have died while serving the United States of America and its people. As we seek to honor them, let us remember them and the great sacrifices they made to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Vietnam Women’s Memorial

More than 265,000 military and civilian women served around the world during the Vietnam War era. They filled professional, technical, leadership, and humanitarian roles. Around 11,000 women served directly in Vietnam, and 90% of them were nurses. The Vietnam Women’s Memorial honors every woman who served in the Vietnam War, particularly the eight nurses who lost their lives.

Dedicated on November 11, 1993, the memorial highlights the stories of women in the military, ensuring that their dedication, resolve, and courage are remembered right alongside the servicemen they partnered with during the conflict. Situated just south of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, the Vietnam Women’s Memorial is a stunning bronze sculpture that depicts three women in various roles of service. It stands nearly 7 feet (2.1 meters) tall and weighs 2,000 pounds (907 kilograms).

How It Came to Be

Without Diane Carlson Evans, it’s possible that the Vietnam Women’s Memorial would not exist today.

As a former Army combat nurse and Vietnam veteran, Evans made a point of attending the dedication ceremony of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in 1982. The following year, she saw a picture of the statue depicting three servicemen (called “The Three Soldiers”). It was slated to be added to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. At that moment, she decided that women should also be honored, or their contribution to the war might be forgotten by future generations.

Evans founded the Vietnam Nurses Memorial Project (now called Vietnam Women’s Memorial Foundation), and she championed the creation of a memorial to honor the women who served during the Vietnam War. It would take 10 years, but on November 11, 1993, the Vietnam Women’s Memorial was dedicated as an act of honor and remembrance.

Meaningful Features of the Memorial

The Sculpture of Three Women

While Congress approved the creation of the memorial in 1988, they rejected the initial design. This led to an open design competition with 350 submissions. Of the submissions, Glenna Goodacre’s design came out on top, and she received a commission to create the statue.

Renowned for her bronze work, Goodacre has won numerous awards and honors for her skill. When asked about the design for the Vietnam Women’s Memorial, she said:

“The emphasis of this tribute is centered on their emotions: their compassion, their anxiety, their fatigue, and above all, their dedication. The photos from Vietnam often included stacks of sandbags. It seemed natural for a nurse – in a moment of crisis – to be supported by sandbags as she serves as the life support for a wounded soldier lying across her lap. The standing woman looks up, in search of a med-i-vac helicopter or, perhaps, in search of help from God. The kneeling figure has been called “the heart and soul” of the piece because so many vets see themselves in her. She stares at any empty helmet, her posture reflecting her despair, frustrations, and all the horrors of war.”

8 Yellowwood Trees

George Dickie, a professor of architecture at Penn State University, was chosen as the landscape designer for the memorial. His challenge was to create a landscape concept that would seamlessly incorporate the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, the Three Soldiers statue, and the Vietnam Women’s Memorial. The three pieces were all added to the memorial at different times.

By adding pathways and a terrace, Dickie was able to bring the three separate elements together. Perhaps the most significant landscaping feature is the 8 yellowwood trees that surround the Vietnam Women’s Memorial sculpture. Each tree represents one of the eight women killed in action in Vietnam.

These women are also recognized on the Memorial Wall, alongside more than 58,000 names of men who lost their lives or were missing in action. The women, all nurses, named on the Wall are:

1st Lt. Hedwig Orlowski
2nd Lt. Carol Drazba
1st Lt. Sharon Lane
Captain Mary Klinker
Captain Eleanor Alexander
2nd Lt. Elizabeth Jones
2nd Lt. Pamela Donovan
Lt. Colonel Annie Graham

To learn more about these brave nurses, click here to read about their service during the Vietnam War.

Why Do We Have Memorials?

Permanent memorials ensure a lasting tribute for those who have been loved and lost. They also allow us, as people, to honor those we wish to always remember. Just as we create memorials for our heroes, we also create them for our loved ones. There are five key reasons why permanent memorials are important, whether it is to commemorate an event, a group of people, or just one person, like a close loved one.

A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects and connect with those who have died.
It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
It allows people the opportunity to remember and reflect on the lives lived.
It ensures that the dead are remembered and respected.

For many of our veterans, a large-scale memorial honors the group as a whole. The Vietnam Women’s Memorial stands proudly alongside the Three Soldiers statue and the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall. Together, they honor all who served in the conflict. However, for individuals, families set headstones, grave markers, or inscriptions in place. Both types of memorialization are important and honor our veterans and our loved ones.

Want to Get Involved?

If you’d like to assist the Vietnam Women’s Memorial with its mission, you can donate to their cause at www.vietnamwomensmemorial.org.

Additionally, if you are planning a visit to Washington, D.C., consider stopping at the Military Women’s Memorial Museum. The well-reviewed museum features an education center, interactive exhibits, and an impressive collection of stories from women in the military.

May 01

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Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: Air Force Memorial

By christy.kessler Memorial, Veterans

“A soldier can walk the battlefields where he once fought, a Marine can walk the beaches he once stormed, but an airman can never visit the patch of sky he raced across on a mission to defend freedom. And so, it’s fitting that, from this day forward, the men and women of the Air Force will have this memorial, a place here on the ground that recognizes their achievements and sacrifices in the skies above.” President George W. Bush

Air Force Memorial

Opened in 2066, the Air Force Memorial is an impressive structure with three spires soaring to the sky. The memorial honors both current active-duty Air Force servicemembers as well as airmen and women killed in action. Strategically located at a promontory point, the monument overlooks Arlington National Cemetery, the Pentagon, the Potomac River, and the Washington, D.C. skyline.

The memorial stands at 402 feet (123 meters) high, and the tallest of the three spires is 270 feet (82 meters). The memorial is flanked by two granite walls, each highlighting inscriptions based on the three core values of the Air Force: “Integrity First, Service Before Self, and Excellence in All We Do.” The Air Force Memorial receives hundreds of thousands of visitors every year and is a visually stunning tribute to aviation and the United States Air Force.

How It Came to Be

In the 1990s, the Air Force Association (AFA) and the Air Force Sergeants’ Association (AFSA) began efforts to create a memorial honoring the Air Force. In 1992, Oliver “Ollie” Crawford – a WWII U.S. Army Air Corps veteran – established the Air Force Memorial Foundation with the intent to raise funds to construct an Air Force memorial.

In 1993, legislation passed authorizing the creation of an Air Force memorial. With that approval, the Air Force Memorial Foundation worked closely with the National Park Service to survey 18 possible sites. After much contemplation, the Air Force Memorial Foundation selected three acres at the memorial’s current location. The groundbreaking ceremony was held on September 15, 2004. The event was attended by dozens of renowned military aviators and featured a flyover of both vintage and modern aircraft.

The Unique Design and Its Meaning

As with any memorial, the creators approached the design with intentionality and purpose. The Air Force Memorial Foundation selected architect James Ingo Freed to design the memorial. Freed’s previous designs include the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum and the Ronald Reagan Building and International Trade Center.

Curving Spires “Soaring to Glory”

Perhaps the most striking feature of the memorial is its centerpiece – three stainless steel and concrete spires that rise more than 200 feet (61 meters) in the air. Collectively called “Soaring to Glory,” the spires are visible for miles and evoke the Air Force’s three core values. Additionally, each spire represents different members of the Air Force – active, guard, and reserve. According to James Freed, the memorial’s “array of arcs against the sky evokes a modern image of flight by jet and space vehicles. At the same time, it enshrines the past in permanent resemblance of the pioneers of flight who came before and pays homage to the future.”

Air Force Honor Guard Sculpture

Another signature feature of the memorial is the Air Force Honor Guard sculpture. The bronze image depicts four figures dressed in precisely replicated USAF Honor Guard clothing. The sculptor paid meticulous attention to every detail, from the crossing of the shoelaces to every aspect of the clothing. Two of the figures are flag bearers (holding the U.S. flag and the Air Force ceremonial flag). The other two figures are weapons bearers. When speaking about his vision for the sculpture, artist Zenos Frudakis says that the figures “came into view as unique people, with faces and bodies infused with life, inspiring connections to the real people who serve and sacrifice. They reflect the diversity of gender and race that strengthens the Air Force and the nation.”

Other Notable Features

While the spires and the Honor Guard sculpture are the focal points of the memorial, other notable elements were included. The Parade Ground (walkway) leads visitors to two granite walls. Each wall is engraved, including Medal of Honor recipients and quotes relating to the USAF’s three core values. Additionally, there is a glass wall that honors missing Air Force members. Each element invites visitors to reflect on the courage, sacrifice, and dedication of the Air Force.

Why Do We Have Memorials?

A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects and connect with those who have died.
It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
It allows people the opportunity to remember and reflect on the lives lived.
It ensures that the dead are remembered and respected.

For many of our veterans, a large-scale memorial honors the group as a whole. This is the case with Air Force servicemembers and the Air Force Memorial. However, for individuals, families set headstones, grave markers, or inscriptions in place. Both types of memorialization are important and honoring to our veterans and our loved ones.

Want to Get Involved?

There are many ways to support the United States Air Force, its members, and their families. If you are interested, consider looking into the following charitable organizations to see if one appeals to you:

Airmen Memorial Foundation
Folds of Honor
Air Force Aid Society
Air Force Assistance Fund

Apr 25

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Woman in blue sweater sitting on bed, writing in journal

Grief Support Options to Consider After Suicide Loss

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Loss from Suicide

In the United States, suicide has become a leading cause of death, reaching nearly 50,000 deaths in 2022. With each death, it’s estimated that there are six or more “suicide survivors” – those deeply affected by the loss and left to grieve and try to understand what happened.

While all forms of death are difficult, losing a loved one to suicide comes with extra challenges. That’s why it’s so important for suicide survivors to receive support as they grapple with the questions and emotions that come along with suicide loss. Today, we’re going to discuss support options that are available to those who are struggling with the suicide death of a loved one.

1. Join a Support Group

Suicide loss comes with hardships that not everyone experiences or understands. Often, suicide survivors deal with social stigma, shame, isolation, trauma, and confusion about why this happened or how they missed the signs. At a suicide grief support group, survivors will meet other people walking a similar path. Grief can make you feel isolated, but by joining a support group, it becomes apparent very quickly that you aren’t alone in what you’re feeling.

To find a support near you, visit the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention (AFSP), where you will find a directory of support groups. You can search by zip code to find the nearest groups.

2. Speak with a Grief Counselor One-on-One

For some, speaking with a grief counselor face-to-face may be the best fit. If there are particularly traumatic memories, such as being the first to find a loved one who completed suicide, there may be things you don’t want to discuss with a larger group. Through one-on-one sessions, suicide survivors can talk through any traumatic memories, depression, confusion, anxiety, or flashbacks.

There are counselors who specialize in companioning those dealing with suicide loss. If you know a grief counselor in your area, reach out to them directly to schedule an appointment. If you aren’t sure where to start, ask family or friends for recommendations or visit AFSP’s directory for clinicians who have received training to support suicide loss survivors.

Counseling is also available online through organizations like Better Help or Online Therapy.

3. Find an Online Forum

Another option for receiving support after suicide loss is to find an online forum to share what’s on your mind and receive encouragement from others. If you aren’t sure about joining an in-person group, an online forum may be a good first step.

Perhaps the most well-known forum is Alliance of Hope, which offers a “culture of kindness, hope, and understanding to people who have lost loved ones to suicide.” You can either post yourself or simply read others’ posts – both actions can help you on your own journey toward healing.

4. Read Books about Suicide Grief

As you work through the complicated emotions that come with suicide loss, there may be times when you just need to know that there’s hope. Consider looking into books about suicide grief, especially if you are someone who likes to read. You could dive into a more academic understanding of what to expect on the grief journey or you could read about another person’s journey through suicide grief. Hearing someone else’s story may be just what you need to feel encouraged for the healing work ahead.

Depending on your preference, select a physical book or an audiobook. Look online for book recommendations, but here are a few to get you started: “10 Books to Help You Through Suicide Loss.”

5. Talk with Family and Friends

Lastly, let’s not underestimate the power of talking things out with family or friends. Speaking with family members may be difficult at first, particularly if you are both deeply grieving the same person. But at the same time, leaning on each other can bring you closer and help you feel connected and supported through this upsetting time. And don’t feel like you need to speak to everyone – choose people you feel comfortable sharing with.

During times of grief, it’s essential to talk through what’s going on in the mind. By talking about the past, sharing memories, or voicing difficult emotions, everything comes out into the open. When previously hidden things are in the open, they lose their power over us. It may be easier to hide in the dark, but to find healing, things need to be addressed and brought into the light.

Additional Resources

As you consider your grief support options, remember that you aren’t limited to just one. If you’d like to join a support group, talk with a counselor, chat on an online forum, read books, and share with family and friends, do it. The more support you receive after suicide loss, the more likely you are to find the healing and reconciliation you need. While you may never fully understand why your loved one decided to complete suicide, you can come to a place where you can accept the answers you’ve found.

To help you on the journey, here are additional resources to consider. May your heart find healing and hope for the future as you process the death of someone dearly loved.

Suicide Loss & Prevention Websites

Suicide Loss & Grief Blog Articles

Apr 24

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Microphone ready for eulogy; white and red flowers and chairs in the background

How to Personalize the Eulogy at a Funeral

By christy.kessler Meaningful Funerals, Personalization, Planning Tools

The funeral is a time to truly honor and remember a loved one’s life, but how can you personalize the service to reflect that special person’s personality, preferences, interests, and uniqueness? According to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, nationally respected grief counselor and author, there are 7 distinct elements to a funeral, and each one can be personalized. Today, let’s talk about different ways you can personalize the eulogy and create an event that is truly special and meaningful.

 First, Why Does Personalization Matter?

“I encourage you to slow down, take a deep breath and focus on what is really important—what is essential—about the funeral you are planning. What is essential is the life that was lived and the impact that life had on family and friends. To honor that unique life, the funeral must also be unique. Over and over, families tell me that the best funerals are those that are personalized.”  – Dr. Alan Wolfelt

In a world focused on efficiency and getting things done as quickly as possible, the funeral is a moment to slow down and be thoughtful. When we do things too quickly, they can sometimes feel impersonal and hollow. That’s why personalization is key!

A personalized service beautifully and lovingly honors life. It creates a sweet moment of remembrance, a time to say goodbye, a unique acknowledgement that a person’s life mattered in all the big and small ways.  Now, let’s talk about eulogies and their vital role in personalizing a funeral or memorial service!

How to Personalize the Eulogy at a Funeral

In many ways, the eulogy may be the single most important aspect of a loved one’s service. It’s a time to acknowledge and affirm the significance of their life. A time to share memories, to reflect on important life lessons, and to celebrate who they were as a unique individual. The eulogy can be delivered by a clergy person, a family member, or even by a series of people, and it’s important to be thoughtful and intentional about the tribute you give.

1. Share cherished memories

When crafting a eulogy, consider what comes to mind when you think about the person who has died. What are your most significant memories with them? If they were a prankster, share their best jokes or tricks. For animal lovers, talk about beloved pets. If there are family memories that bring joy, paint a picture of those moments. Were they a board game enthusiast? Give the audience a retelling of an epic game. You can go many different directions with the eulogy, based on your loved one’s life and the most meaningful moments you shared.

2. Highlight community involvement

Some people are known for their contribution to the community, and it would be remiss not to mention their volunteer work. You might consider also asking fellow volunteers or organization leaders to step up and give a short eulogy. Alternatively, if your loved had a career that positively impacted others, you could invite colleagues to say a few words. No matter where they volunteered or how they gave back to the community, there are people who can speak to that specific aspect of your loved one’s life and honor their commitment and dedication to a cause.

3. Bring visual aids

Another option for personalizing the eulogy is to bring visual aids. This might sound a little odd at first, but visual aids can increase the impact of the eulogy. For example, if you are sharing memories, bring a slideshow of related photos and use them to emphasize your storytelling. Or, if your loved one was an artist, bring a particularly meaningful project with you and share its significance. There are so many items you could bring as visual aids. You could bring anything from crafts like quilts to sports equipment like golf clubs or a fishing pole. The funeral home can even work with you to bring in larger visual aids, such as a motorcycle or something similar.

4. Use your personal talents to create a unique tribute

Sometimes, words aren’t enough, and we must express ourselves in other ways. If you are a songwriter, you could compose a song in honor of your loved one and include it in your eulogy. For those who are more artistic, consider painting, drawing, or building something that showcases your love for the person who has died and share its meaning in the eulogy. Are you a dancer? Choreograph a routine to the tune of your loved one’s favorite song. While the eulogy is about honoring the person who has died, it’s also about your grief journey and how you want to honor their life. Don’t be afraid to use your talents to say goodbye.

Questions to Help You Brainstorm

If ideas aren’t coming to mind already, here are a few questions to help you brainstorm what you could include in a meaningful eulogy at a service.

Are there any memories that are particularly meaningful to you?
Did you and your loved one share a hobby or interest?
Was your loved one involved in community work?
If people were to describe your loved one, what would they say?
Were they passionate about something in particular?
Were they family-famous for anything?

Hopefully, these questions will trigger some ideas for you and give you a good starting place for crafting a eulogy that will honor your loved one’s life beautifully. And if you are stumped, your funeral director can help. They are your advocate and guide throughout the funeral planning process. They can provide much-needed assistance when you just aren’t sure what to do next.

For additional inspiration, here are more articles on eulogies that may help:

Apr 18

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Person wearing black coat and holding white memorial flower

7 Tips for Planning a Memorial Service

By christy.kessler Educational, Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals

Do you know the main difference between a memorial service and a funeral service? At a funeral service, the deceased’s body is present, either in an open or closed casket. However, at a memorial service, the body is not present and a framed portrait or an urn serves as the focal point, instead of a casket.

You can have a memorial service with either burial or cremation; it all depends on whether the body is present at the service or not. Both options will beautifully honor a loved one’s life – it just depends on your family’s preferences.

If you aren’t sure how to proceed, let’s discuss why having a service is important and 7 helpful tips for planning a memorial service.

Does Having a Service Matter?

Having some sort of ceremony or opportunity to mourn the death of someone loved allows you to acknowledge the reality of the situation and serves as a good first step on the road to healing. According to a study conducted among adults aged 40+, “82 percent said that a service was helpful in paying tribute to or commemorating the life of a friend or family member” and “72 percent believed services they attended were an important part of the healing process.”

Memorial services allow for a great deal of flexibility if additional time is needed to gather together as a family. In fact, it is not uncommon for a memorial service to be held a month or more after the death. Whether you decide on a funeral or a memorial service, it’s important to remember the role that memorialization plays in the grieving process. Spend some time thinking about the type of service that would best honor your loved one’s life and spirit.

7 Tips for Planning a Memorial Service

If you decide to honor your loved one with a memorial service, there are many important choices you will need to make. Here are some tips for creating a rich and meaningful memorial service.

1. Choose a Fitting Location

Since the body will not be present, you have a lot of freedom regarding where the memorial service takes place. A memorial service can be held at the home of the person who has died or a favorite spot of the deceased. People have also used church buildings, local or national parks, community centers, funeral home chapels, the graveside, and even restaurants to pay their respects. No matter where you choose, remember to include a photo of the deceased or bring the urn so people have a visual reminder and can say goodbye.

2. Select Articulate Speakers

Find a few family members and friends who are good public speakers to deliver a eulogy, read poems or scripture, and tell funny or inspiring stories. Since the memorial service often takes place a few weeks after the death, the speakers will have time to gather their thoughts and could even run their ideas by each other.

3. Consider Music

If you are at a venue that accommodates the playing of music, take advantage of this opportunity. Music is a great way to honor the life of a loved one. It communicates feelings that can be hard to put into words. You might play a loved one’s favorite song or another piece of music that ties to the life in a special way. For additional help choosing custom music for a memorial service, check out “How to Personalize Music at a Funeral.”

4. Create a Slideshow

If you choose a location that has some technical capability, you could play a slideshow in honor of your loved one’s life journey. Include pictures or videos of important life events, places, and people that shaped your loved one’s life. For more insight into how a slideshow can be a meaningful addition to a final tribute, take a moment to read “The Importance of a Memorial Tribute Video.”

5. Provide Food and Drink

Many memorial services offer some kind of food, although the type of catering varies widely. You could include a full meal or simply offer light snacks and refreshments. Consider the time of day of the service when deciding on food. Also, you might choose foods that reflect your lost loved one’s preferences. If they loved chicken nuggets, get a tray from their favorite spot. For those with a sweet tooth, include an assortment of their favorite cookies or cakes.

6. Create the Guest List

If the memorial service is being held weeks or months after the death, make a list of everyone you would like to have attend and send out invitations to them. Mail invitations well in advance, so that guests who live far away have time to make travel arrangements. You could also post an invitation on your social media channels if that’s the easiest way for you to reach people.

7. Prepare “Thank You” Cards

Whether you choose a formal or informal setting, you’re likely going to need help as you create a meaningful service. For those closely involved in the planning, take time to thank them. Taking this extra step will also keep your support network alive. Stay in contact with the people who mean the most to you and find the people you can lean on as you begin your grief journey. After all, the memorial service is only the beginning of the road to healing.

Man in blue button-down shirt opening a letter in a brown envelope

These 7 tips will help you plan a meaningful memorial service, but remember, you aren’t on your own with this. The funeral home is available to assist you with memorial service plans. They can take on as much of the planning as you wish. Simply reach out to them and discuss what you’d like to do. They will provide options and help you brainstorm through all the possibilities.

Apr 18

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Younger woman and her second mom baking together

Dealing with Grief on Mother’s Day

By christy.kessler Exclude from Top Posts, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Mother’s Day is a special day, set aside to honor the mothers who have done so much for us. But Mother’s Day is often a very difficult day for two sets of people: those who are mourning the loss of a mother, and mothers who are mourning the loss of a child. On a day that celebrates the mother-child relationship, these people are faced with painful reminders of their loss.

The differences between losing a parent and losing a child are massive. They cannot be compared, nor should they be. Each has its own challenges, its own hurts, its own obstacles. But there are some similar things you can do to prepare for the hard days you will face, like Mother’s Day. That said, if you have experienced the loss of a mother or the loss of a child, you have our sincerest sympathies. As we approach Mother’s Day this year, here are some tips to help you get through the holiday and cope with the great loss you have suffered.

Tip #1: Prepare yourself emotionally

Woman looking at calendar making advance plans

It’s not just the actual day that’s hard. The week leading up to Mother’s Day can also trigger painful memories and stir up strong emotions and unpleasant thoughts. Take some time before the holiday to plan how you want to focus your thoughts. You may choose to focus on the gratitude you feel for the time you had with your mother or child. You may choose to spend some time in solitude, allowing yourself to freely vent your emotions. Or you may think of a new way to honor your loved one’s memory this year, such as taking a bouquet to the graveside or working on a special memorial project. Try to avoid stressful situations (such as the grocery store aisle with all those pink cards and candy boxes) as much as possible.

Tip #2: Share your story

Two people sitting at a table talking with coffee cups in front of them

Every grief journey is different, and there’s no “right” way to grieve. But it is important to talk about your loss. Find someone you trust – a friend, spouse, family member – who will wholeheartedly listen to your story. Your relationship with your child or your mother doesn’t end with death – that relationship continues on in you. By sharing how you loved them, how they impacted you, and the difference they made in your life, you keep your loved one’s memory alive. But also, by telling your story, you allow others into your life and offer them an opportunity to comfort and support you.

Tip #3: Journal about your feelings

Older woman sitting at home, journaling at a table with a tissue box and flower arrangement

If you are processing difficult emotions this Mother’s Day, consider writing them down in a grief journal. Grief journals allow you an honest, private, and judgment-free place to process your thoughts. Write down everything you are feeling about your loss. Anger, sadness, and things left unsaid, along with gratitude, appreciation, and memories. Don’t leave anything out.

Sometimes the most painful part of loss is knowing that there will be moments you will never share with a loved one. Our hopes and dreams and expectations are dashed in a moment, especially with the loss of a child or a mother much too early. Write down all your hopes and expectations so you can see them in black and white. Sometimes simply acknowledging your hopes can help you come to grips with your feelings and help you work toward releasing them and finding a measure of peace.

Tip #4: Honor the other mothers in your life

Younger woman and her second mom baking together

For those of you whose mother is no longer here, you may have one or two women in your life who have been like a mother to you. It could be a teacher, a mentor, a colleague, a leader in your faith group, or a close and trusted friend. Honor these women by acknowledging the contribution they’ve made to your life! This activity can also apply to someone who has lost a child. Have any of your child’s friends continued to be close to you and your family following the loss? Make sure to tell them how much their continued presence means to you.

Tip #5: Pay a special tribute to your loved one

Dark-haired woman in a mustard yellow sweater working on a crochet project

Some people work out their grief by finding an activity or creative outlet. Art therapy can be very helpful in processing emotions. You may like to paint, woodwork, quilt, crochet, sew, scrapbook, or make a video slideshow, to name a few. No matter what you choose to do, you can make it especially meaningful when you share it with others as a memorial gift. Another way to honor your loved one’s memory is through giving back. Volunteering for a beloved charity or giving back through memorial gifts can be a special way to pay tribute to a loved one.

Tip #6: Talk to a professional

Young woman talking with grief therapist

All grief is difficult, and some grief is unbearable. If you are stuck beneath a heavy burden of grief, perhaps it’s time to visit a grief counselor or therapist. We all go to the doctor for physical check-ups and annual appointments, so why shouldn’t we also prioritize our mental health? A grief counselor or psychologist could be a helpful resource and might provide useful tips for battling grief. Perhaps now is the time to schedule a session. Talking to an educated person about your feelings couldn’t hurt, so why not give it a try?

Tip #7: Do something that you enjoy

Older woman outside gardening in her yard

When you’re feeling down, it can be beneficial to participate in an activity that you enjoy. You may feel guilty about feeling happiness – like it’s an emotion you no longer have a right to feel after the death of a mother or child. But that’s not true. It’s not a betrayal to find hope and joy, and any loving child or mother would want you to find these things again. Oblige them by doing something that gives you joy. Hang out with friends, go to the movies, or buy yourself a treat. Do something relaxing or find an opportunity to laugh. Honor your loved one by living the life you have been given and treating yourself the way that they would treat you.

While these 7 tips won’t take away your pain this Mother’s Day, they can help you navigate through the day. May you find peace in your heart and the healing you deserve this Mother’s Day.

Apr 03

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12 Modern Christian Songs for a Final Tribute

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals

When honoring and remembering a loved one’s life, music plays a pivotal role. It helps mourners recall memories, comforts the soul, and brings tears to the eyes. And the music you select can also be an excellent way to create a truly personalized sendoff for a loved one. If your loved one was a person of faith, consider these 12 modern Christian songs as possible options for their final tribute.

Open Bible with unidentified person resting clasped hands on top

Note: Many Christian songs, like hymns, are centuries old. The songs on this list are all from the 21^st century, making them much more modern. May you find just the right song to beautifully honor your loved one’s life and legacy.

1. Heaven Song (Phil Wickham – 2009)

Can’t wait to join the angels and sing
I wanna run on greener pastures
I wanna dance on higher hills

Throughout this calming song, the lyrics tell us that there’s a much better place awaiting those who have submitted their lives to God. The song reminds us that, with Heaven’s greener pastures, higher hills, and sweeter waters, a loved one is now in a place beyond our wildest dreams with a God who dearly loves them. Remembering God’s promise to prepare a place for His children is a strong source of comfort for Christians during a time of loss.

2. Dancing with the Angels (Monk & Neagle – 2014)

Your heart will be heard
In your unspoken words
Through generations to come

With its simple lyrics, this song from Monk & Neagle is a lovely tribute for any Christian. It touches on the sadness that surviving friends and family feel even as they find comfort in the knowledge that a Christian loved one is now in heaven, praising God and dancing with the angels. And even though that person is gone, their impact will be felt for generations to come.

3. Scars in Heaven (Casting Crowns – 2021)

The only scars in Heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in Heaven are on the hands that hold you now

After the loss of a loved one, it’s natural and normal to wish we’d had just one more day, one more moment, with that special person. This soothing song expresses that deep desire we all feel for a little more time. Additionally, it references the beauty of Heaven, where a loved one is standing in the sun without pain, all concerns a million miles away. This song may be particularly meaningful for a Christian who went through a long-term illness or carried deep hurts with a grace-filled attitude.

4. I Will Carry You (Selah – 2009)

Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life

Composed after the death of the songwriter’s infant daughter, this song addresses the deep pain a parent feels after the loss of a child. Mourning what could have been, all the things that will never be. But with God’s comfort as our companion, we can gladly carry the pain that comes with love and loss. For the family mourning the loss of a child, this comforting Christian song may be a meaningful addition.

5. It is Not Death to Die (Sovereign Grace – 2008)

It is not death to die
To leave this weary road
And join the saints who dwell on high
Who’ve found their home with God

Similar to hymns of old in its tempo, this song reminds Christians that there is more beyond this earthly life. For the Christian, death is merely a doorway to true life with God because Jesus conquered the grave. Because of His death and resurrection, it’s possible for us to live in God’s presence as His children. Because of this hope, Christians find comfort in the knowledge that Christian loved ones are not gone forever. There will be a reunion in Heaven one day.

6. There Will Be a Day (Jeremy Camp – 2008)

But I hold on to this hope
And the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

In this up-tempo song, Jeremy Camp reminds listeners that the burdens we carry now will not last forever. There will be a day when there is no more pain and no more tears. Until then, Christians must hold fast to God through the trials and triumphs of life. Losing a loved one can be devastating, but this song reminds us that we are not alone. God sees our hurt and pain. He will one day banish pain entirely, but until that day comes, He will bring hope into the darkness of grief.

7. Welcome Home (Michael W. Smith – 2010)

I can hear the sound
As angels gather ’round
Saying this is where you belong
Welcome home

Simple yet poignant, this song reminds us that our loved ones are going on to their true home. We will deeply miss them, but they are being welcomed home with joy and gladness. On this side of Heaven, none of us can know just how incredible it will feel to be in the presence of God, to be truly home. The lyrics of this song capture the heartache we may feel after losing a loved one while also offering a gentle comfort in knowing that lost loved ones are well and truly home.

8. When I Get Where I’m Going (Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton – 2005)

Yeah, when I get where I’m going
There’ll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I’ll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear

While this song was released in the country music genre, both musicians are devout Christians, and the lyrics place it firmly into the modern Christian song category. Since its considered a country song, this tune may be the perfect complement for a person who loved country music. With its soothing cadence and focus on remembrance, the song brings cherished moments of our lost loved ones to the surface and helps us mourn.

9. I Will Rise (Chris Tomlin – 2008)

There’s a peace I’ve come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul
I can say “It is well”

In times of grief, it can feel like everything is out of control. The normal and comforting rhythm of our days is disrupted, and things feel stressful and unknown. This song reminds us that in the difficult moments, the times of grief, we can find an anchor from the storm in God. As we turn to Him, He will give us the strength to make it through this season of loss. That is a true comfort for the grieving, knowing that God is present and close through it all.

10. On My Way Home (The Booth Brothers – 2020)

I’m only passin’ through on my way Home
Heaven is the place where I belong
More than just a feeling or a dream
A land beyond the stars is calling me
When the Savior comes for me, I’ll go
To live forever, finally at Home

With its old-school vibe and soothing vocals, this song will add a soft, comforting feel to any final tribute. With its focus on the temporary nature of our time here on Earth, it lovingly reminds listeners that Heaven is the place where we will find true belonging. If you are planning a service for a Christian who often spoke of looking forward to meeting Jesus face-to-face, this song could be a great way to include that sentiment in their final sendoff.

11. When the Tears Fall (Tim Hughes – 2004)

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
My defender for ever more

Throughout our lives, we experience uncertainty, pain, grief, fear, anxiety, and so much more. But for the Christian, God is an ever-present help in times of trouble. This beautiful melody encourages us to lean on God during times of struggle and learn how to praise Him even when it’s hard. When tears fall, He’s there to wipe them away. When grief crushes, He’s there to bind the broken-hearted. This song is a poignant reminder that grief is not a journey you must travel alone – it’s walked with God.

12. I Can Only Imagine (MercyMe – 2001)

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk by Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes would see
When Your face is before me

Very popular in both Christian and mainstream circles at its release, this beautiful song has stood the test of time and is perfect for any funeral service. With vivid imagery, the lyrics paint a picture of Heaven and the true awe that every Christian will feel in the presence of God. The words paired with the pleasant melody create a song that tugs at the heartstrings – creating a sense of wonder and anticipation. To leave mourners feelings uplifted and encouraged in the face of loss, consider including this song at a loved one’s final tribute.

For more suggestions on songs to include at a funeral service, check out the resources below:

By decade:

Mar 24

Love0

Close-up of white wiry dog placing paw in young woman's hand

Practical Ways to Support a Grieving Pet

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Pets

While pets may not fully grasp the significance of death, they can deeply feel the loss of a human or animal companion. The depth of feeling will vary from pet to pet, but it’s not unusual for a pet to feel out of sorts for several months following the death of a loved one. But there are ways you can support your pet through a loss and help them recover more quickly.

Signs of Grief in a Pet

Before we discuss how you can support your pet through the loss of a companion, it’s important to know how to identify grief in an animal. Here are several physical and behavioral changes that may indicate your pet is grieving:

Changes in appetite (eating less)
Acting withdrawn or sad
Whining, howling, yowling, or crying
Changes in personality (your standoffish cat becomes a cuddler)
Pacing or searching the house for the missing family member
Hiding from or avoiding other family members
Changes in grooming or bathroom habits (especially in cats)
Showing signs of separation anxiety
Changes in sleeping patterns (sleeping more or less than usual)

Man in dark-colored sweater hugs gray cat

In a research project called the Companion Animal Mourning Project, the ASPCA found that over 60% of pets experience four or more behavioral changes after losing a family member. So, if you think your pet may be grieving, it’s very likely they are.

But once you know your pet is grieving, how can you support them? Let’s talk about 8 things you can do!

8 Ways You Can Support a Grieving Pet

Every pet will react to a death differently, so some of these suggestions may work better for your pet than others. Try each suggestion and see which ones work best for your pet and their personality. These methods could help your pet cope with the loss of either an animal companion or a human companion.

1. Let them say goodbye

While animals have a limited understanding, they do comprehend that death occurs. Consider giving your pet a chance to say goodbye by providing an opportunity for them to smell or even nudge the deceased human or animal companion. Just as it can be valuable for humans to see a loved one before burial or cremation, the same practice can be beneficial for pets. However, if this suggestion makes you uncomfortable, feel free to skip it. Instead, you can focus on other methods for supporting your pet through loss.

2. Provide for their physical needs

During times of grief, both people and animals may struggle to look after their physical needs. For pets, this means making sure that they eat, sleep, play, stay clean and brushed, and aren’t acting emotionally depressed. To help, you can take your pet for walks. Play with them to increase their activity levels. Make sure they are washed and clean. Monitor their sleeping and eating habits. If you see a concerning change in any of these areas, contact your veterinarian for help.

3. Keep a few reminders around the house

For animals, scent is a very powerful sense. To help them grieve, consider leaving out a few blankets, pillows, pet beds, an old shirt, or other items that carry the scent of the companion who has died. When your pet feels sad, they can take comfort in the smell and familiar presence of the companion they miss so much. It may also bring comfort to your grieving heart when you see your pet resting on a special pillow or snuggling into a blanket.

4. Spend quality time with your pet

When your pet is feeling down, they may seek you out for attention. Spend positive quality time with your pet and give them the attention they need. Go to the park with your dog. Brush your cat. Give a few extra treats here and there. These extra moments together will help your pet feel secure and strengthen their bond with you. However, try not to reinforce bad behavior. For example, if your cat begins to meow obnoxiously, don’t give them treats. That will only encourage them to meow more often. Instead, ignore the bad behavior and reinforce the good.

5. Stick to a consistent routine

Pets thrive on routine, and the loss of a companion can really disrupt their daily life. If you have lost a person in your family, and they typically took your dog for a walk every night, try to step into that role and begin taking the dog for a walk each night. Keep up with meals, play time, exercise, and even bedtimes. Grief has a way of throwing everything in chaos, but re-establishing routine brings a sense of safety and security to everyone involved.

6. Add new activities to your pet’s life

While you definitely want to establish routine, you can sprinkle in new activities to your pet’s everyday life. Sometimes, fresh and exciting activities can provide a happy distraction and cheer your pet up. Consider introducing a new toy. Walk a new trail at the park. Give your cat different boxes to try to sit in. Add a new perch by the window. These different forms of stimulation can help your pet move past their feelings of grief and find happiness in new things.

7. Give your pet time to grieve

With the loss of a family member, everyone needs time to adjust to the new normal in your home. However, when a pet companion dies, you may be tempted to fill the void by bringing a new pet home quickly. Try not to be hasty. If your pet is grieving deeply, they may not be ready to accept a “stranger” into their home, and it could cause more disruption to your pet’s routine. Give it time. One day soon, your pet will be ready to welcome a new furry member to the family.

8. Consult your vet if your pet doesn’t improve

While grief will look different from pet to pet, pay close attention to how they are doing. If your pet isn’t eating well, they aren’t taking care of themselves (like your cat isn’t grooming), or they seem depressed, contact your veterinarian for help. Your vet can offer additional guidance as you support your pet through grief. Because your pet can’t communicate what they are feeling, it’s up to you to pay attention to their unconscious cues and get them the care they need.

With time and love, most pets heal from loss within a few weeks or months. May these 8 methods of support help you look after your pet and help them through this time of loss.

Mar 13

Love0

Pallbearers carrying casket to burial space

Do You Know About These 8 Cemetery Expenses?

By christy.kessler Cemeteries, Explore Options, Plan Ahead

When you buy a car or plan a vacation or throw a 50^th anniversary party, you take time to consider your options and review your budget. If you’re planning to purchase a cemetery burial space – whether now or in the future – it’s always a good idea to follow the same practice. While purchasing a plot or niche may seem straightforward, there are some expenses that you may not know about. Today, let’s talk about 8 cemetery expenses to consider as you financially prepare to purchase a burial space in your chosen cemetery.

1. Burial Permit

By law, there are certain rules and regulations around the proper care and disposal of a human body. Before a person can be buried, the funeral home must apply for and obtain a burial permit. Without this document, burial cannot take place, so it’s an important step in the process. Your funeral director will apply for the permit on your behalf, so there’s nothing you will need to do. However, the burial permit does come with a fee. The amount will vary from state to state, so if you’d like to know the cost in your state, make sure to ask your funeral director.

2. Casket or Urn

This next one is a bit self-explanatory. If you have opted for full-body burial, you will need to purchase a casket. There are many different types available in a variety of price ranges, so you should find something that works for your specific needs. If you’ve opted for cremation, you can either place the cremated remains in a niche or bury them in a plot. Either way, you will need an urn to house the ashes. Speak with a funeral director to get a good sense of the cost of urns and caskets in your area. They can explain the pros and cons of the different materials and types.

3. Outer Burial Container

When a casket or an urn is buried, it is placed in an outer burial container. This container (often made of concrete) prevents the ground from shifting too much as the dirt around the grave settles. There are long-term benefits to preventing the ground from settling unevenly. For example, the cemetery grounds remain level (fewer tripping hazards), routine maintenance is easier and less expensive, and headstones are less likely to shift and tip over time. Unless it’s a “green” cemetery, most burial grounds require, at a minimum, the use of a grave liner.

There are two types of outer burial containers: grave liners and burial vaults. To learn more about them, read “Grave Liners & Burials Vaults: What’s the Difference?”

4. Plot or Niche

And here’s another obvious expense – the plot or niche itself. The offerings at every cemetery will be a bit different, and costs will vary depending on where you live. Additionally, certain sections of the cemetery may come with a higher price tag. It’s also likely that if you want a plot close to a water feature, bench, or something similar, the cost may go up. The best way to nail down what a plot or niche costs is to speak with cemeteries that service your area. Then, with the information you’ve gathered, you can select the cemetery and plot option that best fit your specific needs.

5. Opening & Closing of the Grave

If you have chosen casket or urn burial for your final disposition, then you will also need to consider the cost of opening and closing the grave. But what does it mean to open and close the grave? This fee includes digging the grave itself, preparing the ground around the site for the graveside service, back-filling the ground once services are complete, and then landscaping the area to restore and preserve the beauty of the burial space. The cemetery employs maintenance and grounds staff to ensure that this necessary function is done well and correctly for each family.

6. Headstone or Grave Marker

There’s one thing you will always find at any final resting place – a headstone or grave marker. Grave markers come in a variety of types, so there are quite a few options to consider. Do you want a more traditional headstone made of granite? Or do you prefer a flat, bronze marker? Do you need a simple plaque for a cremation niche? Would you like to add custom details to the grave marker, like a gravestone recipe or an inscription or image? The cemetery or funeral home can direct you to a reputable monument company, who will work with you to create a marker that commemorates a loved one’s life for generations to come.

7. Headstone Installation

Related to the grave marker, there may be an additional expense to properly install the headstone once it’s complete. When you are speaking with cemetery personnel, make sure to ask if they have an installation fee and if it varies depending on the type of grave marker. For example, it may cost less to install a single grave marker than to install one that includes multiple names. Having this information will help you make decisions regarding what type of headstone you want to commission for a loved one’s grave.

8. Perpetual Care

One final cemetery expense to consider is perpetual care. But what is perpetual care? Basically, this fee is paid into the cemetery maintenance fund. The fund is then used for groundwork, security, and other tasks like mowing, weeding, or maintaining pathways and signage. In this way, the grave is looked after and cared for regularly for years to come. Sometimes the service includes headstone maintenance, but often, it does not. Generally, perpetual care is a one-time fee that is 5-15% of the burial plot’s price. However, it can vary, so make sure to ask the cemetery for more specifics.

What Next?

There’s a lot of information out there about average costs for burial, but it’s best not to rely too much on generalities. It’s true that if you live in Arkansas, your burial costs are going to be lower than if you live in California. However, within California, burial in one area of the state may cost less than another. The best way to figure out average burial costs in your area is to speak with a few cemeteries where you live. That way, you can get a good sense of the average.

Before we go, it’s worth noting that you may want to purchase a cemetery plot early. Planning ahead for funeral and cemetery wishes is an easy process and can save your family hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in the long run. By taking time now to speak with a funeral home and a cemetery, you can remove the burden of planning from your family’s shoulders and ensure that everything meets your wishes and stays within your budget. You can reach out to a trusted funeral home to learn more about the benefits of planning for funeral wishes in advance.

Mar 06

Love0

Woman wearing black and holding yellow flowers as she visits a loved one's grave

11 Questions to Ask When Choosing a Cemetery Plot

By christy.kessler Cemeteries, Educational, Explore Options

More than likely, purchasing a cemetery plot is only something you will do once or twice in your lifetime. While choosing a cemetery plot is a personal decision, it can greatly affect others who may want to visit the grave, such as next of kin, extended family, and friends. So, if you are looking to purchase a cemetery plot sometime soon, make sure you consider these 11 questions before you sign off on the official documents.

1. Does the cemetery have a good reputation in the community?

As with any purchase, you’ll want to make sure you’re dealing with good people in a reputable business. Look up reviews of the cemetery online. Talk to friends or neighbors about their experiences with local cemeteries. Check the Better Business Bureau to see if there are any complaints about the cemetery. And of course, visit the cemetery yourself and talk to the staff face-to-face. You can learn a lot from a little reconnaissance mission.

2. What types of plots does the cemetery offer?

There are many different types of plots available for purchase. For example, you could choose a single burial space, a double-depth space, a family lot, a crypt, or a mausoleum. However, some cemeteries only offer certain types of plots. Perhaps you are interested in a mausoleum niche, but the cemetery you are considering only offers single or double-depth spaces. Do a little research into which type of plot you want and then discuss the cemetery’s options.

3. Does the cemetery have any specific rules or regulations?

Before you commit to a cemetery, ask them if they have any specific rules or regulations. For example, some cemeteries don’t allow families to leave decorations at the gravesite. Or they require that all gravestones have the same appearance, such as a flat grave marker or plaque. Also, most cemeteries require the use of a grave liner or burial vault, which is good to know for budgeting purposes. Every cemetery is different, so to avoid surprises, make sure to ask.

4. Do the cemetery grounds appeal to you aesthetically?

While the way a cemetery looks isn’t ultimately important, it’s nice to know that your (or a loved one’s) final resting place is in a pleasant place. So, take stock of the cemetery. Is it well-maintained? Are the grounds manicured? Are there huge potholes or unsightly, overgrown areas? Depending on where you live, you may not have much choice in which cemetery you use. However, if the look and feel of a place matter to you, that’s valid and shouldn’t be ignored.

5. Do family and friends have easy access to the cemetery?

Another thing to consider is whether those left behind will have easy access to the gravesite. For many people, visiting the grave of a loved one is a part of the healing journey and can help them feel close to the person who has died. In both movies and real life, it’s not uncommon to see family visiting a lost loved one to share news, to introduce a new spouse or child, or simply to say hello to someone loved. But to do this, the gravesite must be easily accessible. So, as you choose a cemetery, make sure it’s easy to find, is open to visitors, and is relatively close to home.

6. Do you have any preferences for the location of your plot?

The cemetery will have plots available in different locations, and they may vary in price. For example, if you want a plot near a water feature, a pond, or a bench, it may cost a little more. Also, is the plot on elevated or depressed land? The location could matter if you live in an area where water levels rise and fall. Make your preferences known to the cemetery staff. And if you don’t like the options they have to offer, check out the next cemetery on the list.

7. Are there any additional costs to consider?

You will, of course, pay for the plot itself, but are there other fees to consider? For example, how much does the opening/closing of the grave cost? Is there a fee for ground maintenance or perpetual care of the gravesite? Is there a headstone installation fee? Sometimes fees can feel like they come out of the woodwork, so ask upfront for a list of total costs. That way, you can plan and budget correctly.

8. What types of personalization does the cemetery allow?

Some families love the clean, polished look that comes with uniformity. Seeing how organized and neat everything is feels right and good for them. For other families, there may be a greater desire to create something unique, such as a gravestone in a particular shape or color. Neither choice is right or wrong – it all boils down to preference. So, as you decide which plot to buy, consider whether personalization at the cemetery matters to you or not.

9. What are the cemetery’s responsibilities regarding the gravesite?

As you decide on which cemetery to work with, ask them what their responsibilities are toward the gravesite. How often do they maintain the lawns? Will they let you know if the headstone starts to crack or weather? Do they clean the headstones? If there’s a maintenance fee, what does that cover and for how long? It’s always good to know what’s included in any service you purchase so you know exactly what you’re getting.

10. Does the cost estimate fit into your budget?

The cost of a burial plot varies a lot, depending on where you live and what type of plot you want. For example, the same type of plot will cost more in Washington, D.C., than in Arkansas. Additionally, public cemeteries will typically cost less than private cemeteries. When you combine the plot fee with any other fees, it can add up. By asking for a cost estimate, you can determine if everything fits into your budget or if you need to adjust your plans.

11. Can you pre-purchase a cemetery plot?

In other words, can you purchase a cemetery plot before you need it? Absolutely! In fact, it’s actually a good idea to do so. Planning ahead for funeral wishes can save you money, give you time to consider all the options, and remove the burden of planning from your family’s shoulders. It’s a lot easier to make decisions when you aren’t under pressure, so a little advance planning can make purchasing a cemetery plot a smoother process for you.

Hopefully, you feel better prepared to speak with cemetery personnel about plot options, but just in case, here are a few more resources for you: