christy.kessler, Author at Funeral Basics

Mar 12

Life Lessons Children Can Learn at Funerals

By christy.kessler Children, Living Well, Meaningful Funerals

Death and funerals are an inescapable part of life. It’s hard to know what to do when our children encounter death for the first time. As much as we would like to protect them from pain and distress, we can’t. But we can teach them how to process death and cope with grief in healthy ways.

Understanding the Purpose of a Funeral

First, it’s always good to start with why we have funerals in the first place. According to respected grief counselor, author, and educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt, the funeral ritual “helps us acknowledge the reality of the death, gives testimony to the life of the deceased, encourages the expression of grief in a way consistent with the culture’s values, provides support to mourners, allows for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death, and offers continuity and hope for the living.”

The six needs Dr. Wolfelt outlines above – the 6 needs of mourning – are met through a healing and meaningful funeral ceremony. And similar to adults, children have the same need, right, and privilege to participate in a funeral. In some ways, the structure of the funeral ceremony may be even more important for children because they have not yet learned how to process the deep and sometimes conflicting emotions they may feel.

Life Lessons Children Can Learn at Funerals

Children learn how to participate in funerals.

None of us innately knows what to expect or how to behave at funerals. Instead, we learn by seeing, hearing, and asking questions. Many of us came to understand the dos and don’ts of funerals by attending them and by asking a knowledgeable adult our questions. In order for a child to understand what is appropriate and respectful, to know how to behave in the future, they must learn about funerals and be allowed to see the ceremony in action.

Children learn that death is a natural part of life.

Death is a part of life. Just as a child needs to learn how to deal with disappointment, process explosive emotions, or adapt to social situations, they must also learn how to process death and dying. Children are exposed to death early on. They see dead leaves, bugs, or dead animals. Our children know more about death than we might expect. Giving them an opportunity to learn and understand death in a controlled setting is valuable.

Children learn how to say goodbye.

Two of the important things that happen at funerals are that 1) mourners have the chance to say goodbye and 2) there is a public acknowledgment that the relationship has changed (from one of presence to one of memory). Both are necessary for adults and children. Children need an opportunity to say goodbye, especially with close relationships (as is the case with a parent, sibling, grandparent, best friend, teacher, etc.). As part of saying goodbye, you might consider allowing an age-appropriate, willing child to participate in the ceremony by lighting a candle, reading a short passage, or singing a song.

Children witness the complexity of emotions.

Human beings are complex and messy. We experience many different emotions, and sometimes, we don’t even know why we feel a certain way. Children need to understand early that everyone experiences emotion, and everyone deals with their emotion differently. And ultimately, each child must learn how to process and deal with their own emotions. The funeral gives parents an opportunity to help children process their emotions by answering questions or talking about what happened after the ceremony. Children who were close to the person who died may need to process feelings of anger, abandonment, and fear. Observing others process their emotions through the funeral will give children examples of how to cope with grief in a healthy way.

Children see the value of supporting each other.

The funeral activates a system of support for those who are mourning. Friends and neighbors bring food, offer to watch the kids, or help in whatever ways they can. Condolences and heartfelt thoughts are offered to the bereaved. Children need to see the value of community support and learn how to offer such support in the future. For example, young children may ask why adults around them are crying, and they may practice offering to comfort others and showing support by giving a hug or patting a family member on the back. In some ways, children offer a kind of support without even trying: hope for the future.

Children learn how to honor and respect the lives of others.

If you remember Dr. Wolfelt’s quote, one of the purposes of a funeral is to “give testimony to the life of the deceased.” In other words, to recall our memories and share them with others. By doing this, we honor and respect the life that was lived and begin our grief journey on the right foot. Through the eulogy, the personalization of the ceremony or gathering, and other elements of a meaningful funeral, children learn that we must honor and respect the lives of others.

Children learn to treasure life.

If a funeral is done well, it touches the hearts of those in attendance. In fact, it should teach all of us just how precious life is and remind us how we want to live. Dr. Wolfelt puts it this way, “People who take the time and make the effort to create meaningful funeral arrangements…remember and reconnect with what is most meaningful to them in life. They strengthen bonds with family members and friends. They emerge changed, more authentic and purposeful. The best funerals remind us how we should live.” What an important lesson to learn early in life – to value the life you have and make the most of it.

What if my child isn’t ready?

Whether or not your child attends a funeral is entirely up to you. You know your child best – what they can handle and what they can’t. For infants and toddlers (ages 4 and under), attendance will not necessarily have any great meaning or significance, but for those who are preschool aged or older, it’s best to thoughtfully consider how to proceed. While we don’t want to force children to do something, we also need to teach them how to cope with and handle the difficulties life will throw at them. It’s up to you to decide if they are ready.

If you decide not to take your child to the funeral ceremony, here are some other options:

Check to see if the funeral home has childcare available (this service is sometimes offered).
Hire a babysitter. If you know a number of other parents who plan to attend the funeral, you may be able to hire one or two babysitters to watch a larger number of children.

What if my child is too young to understand what is happening at the funeral?

No matter what his or her age, if your child has lost a close family member, help them find a way to process their emotions as they grow up by giving them what a funeral ceremony provides for an adult. Find ways to acknowledge the death, remember the life, offer comfort and support, help them express their feelings about the loss, and help them create meaning and identity as they develop a relationship with their deceased loved one based on the memories shared by adults in their lives. You might take them to visit the cemetery or tell stories every year on their loved one’s birthday. Throughout the year, incorporate traditions, rituals, crafts, and keepsakes as part of your child’s grieving process.

The important thing to remember is that your child will need to come to terms with a significant loss at every stage of development until adulthood. So, keep bringing back the lessons learned from the funeral year after year. Your consistency over the years will help your child grow up feeling like they know who the person was and who they are as a result, which is the biggest life lesson of all.

Mar 12

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Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: Korean War Veterans Memorial

By christy.kessler Memorial, Veterans

“In steel and granite, water and earth, the creators of this memorial have brought to life the courage and sacrifice of those who served in all branches of the Armed Forces from every racial and ethnic group and background in America. They represent, once more, the enduring American truth: From many we are one.” – President Bill Clinton at the Korean War Veterans Memorial Dedication Ceremony on July 27, 1995

Memorial Day is a day set aside every year to honor and remember the many men and women who have died while serving the United States of America and its people. As we seek to honor them, let us remember them and the great sacrifices they made to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Korean War Veterans Memorial

The Korean War Veterans Memorial in Washington, D.C. was dedicated on July 27, 1995, and was constructed to honor and memorialize the 5.8 million Americans who served in the Armed Forces during the Korean War (1950-1953). During its three short years, the Korean War claimed the lives of 36,574 Americans. Additionally, 103,284 Americans received wounds during the conflict.

The memorial also recognizes 22 members of the United Nations that contributed both troops and medical support throughout the war.

How It Came to Be

Congress received a petition for a Korean War memorial, and on April 20, 1986, they signed it into law. Under the guidance of the Korean War Veterans Memorial Advisory Board, Cooper-Lecky Architects designed the memorial. They, in turn, employed several designers to complete plans for the memorial.

President George H. W. Bush conducted the groundbreaking ceremony on June 14, 1993. Just two years later, on July 27, 1995, President Bill Clinton and Kim Young Sam, President of the Republic of Korea, officially dedicated the memorial. The dedication day was significant because it marked the 42^nd anniversary of the armistice that ended the war.

Significant Features of the Memorial

Located in West Potomac Park, just southeast of the Lincoln Memorial, the Korean War Veterans Memorial makes a lasting impression on those who view it. On the dedication stone, these words appear:

Our nation honors her sons and daughters
who answered the call to defend a country
they never knew and a people they never met.

There are several prominent features to the memorial, each one significant and intentional.

Mural Wall

The memorial is built in the form of a triangle, with the tip intersecting the Pool of Remembrance. One side of the triangle is the mural wall, designed by Louis Nelson. Made of polished black granite (164 feet long, 8 inches thick), the mural wall consists of 41 different panels with over 2,400 photographs from the Korean War sandblasted onto the granite. The images selected represent Army, Navy, Marine Corps, Air Force, and Coast Guard personnel and their equipment.

19 Stainless Steel Statues

If the wall doesn’t command your attention first, the 19 stainless steel statues displayed within the walled triangle will. Designed by Frank Gaylord, each figure stands more than seven feet tall and weighs nearly 1,000 pounds. Together, the statues represent a platoon on patrol and all Armed Forces branches are present (Army – 14; Marine Corps – 3; Navy – 1; Air Force – 1). Dressed in full combat gear, they stand amidst strips of granite and juniper bushes, which represent Korea’s rice paddies.

The mural wall stands nearby, and due to the granite’s reflective quality, there actually appear to be 38 soldiers reflected on its surface. The soldiers represent the 38 months of the war and the 38th parallel, which still forms the border between North and South Korea.

The Pool of Remembrance

At the head of the triangle sits the Pool of Remembrance, a shallow pool lined in granite and surrounded by trees and benches. Nearby, engraved granite blocks pay tribute to the lives affected by the war.

Dead — United States: 54,246*, United Nations: 628,833

Wounded — United States: 103,284, United Nations: 1,064,453

Captured — United States: 7,140, United Nations: 92,970

Missing — United States: 8,177, United Nations: 470,267

United Nations Wall

On the north side of the statues is the United Nations Wall. This wall lists the 22 United Nations members who contributed both troops and medical support to the war effort.

Why Do We Have Memorials?

Permanent memorials ensure a lasting tribute for those who have been loved and lost. They also allow us, as people, to honor those we wish to always remember. Just as we create memorials for our heroes, we also create them for our loved ones. There are five key reasons why permanent memorials are important, whether it is to commemorate an event, a group of people, or just one person, like a close loved one.

A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects and connect with those who have died.
It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
A permanent memorial allows people the opportunity to remember and reflect on the lives lived.
It demonstrates our honor and respect for those who have died.

For many of our veterans, a large-scale memorial honors the group as a whole, as is the case with Korean War veterans and the Korean War Veterans Memorial. However, for individuals, families set headstones, grave markers, or inscriptions in place. Both types of memorialization are important and honoring to our veterans and our loved ones.

Want to Get Involved?

In 2016, President Barack Obama authorized the installation of a Wall of Remembrance at the Korean War Veterans Memorial. The Wall of Remembrance will specifically name the 36,574 Americans who lost their lives during the war. Funding is coming in from private donations. If you would like to help with this effort to honor veterans of the Korean War, please visit www.koreanwarvetsmemorial.org.

*In 2000, 5 years after the memorial’s dedication, it was discovered that a clerical error had been made and the total 54,246 included deaths that occurred outside the Korean War theater. The correct number is 36,574.

Mar 11

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10 Questions to Ask Before You Prepay Your Funeral

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

A recent study by the Funeral and Memorial Information Council found that nearly 70% of adults over the age of 40 say they would prefer to prearrange their own funeral. However, only 17% had done so. If you are like most adults, you agree that preplanning and prepaying for your funeral wishes is a good idea, but you just don’t know how to get started. As with any financial decision, you probably have questions about the long-term benefits for you and your family. Planning ahead can be an incredible gift of love to those you care about, when it is done correctly. With that in mind, here are a few questions you might consider asking as you work with a licensed funeral planning specialist.

10 Questions to Ask When Prepaying a Funeral

1. How safe are my funeral funds going to be?

Your funds will not go directly to the funeral home. For your safety, the law requires that your payment(s) go to a third-party insurance company or trust account to manage the funds. For example, do not give a blank check to any agent. Your payments should go directly to a third-party rather than an individual.

Before signing anything, look into the safety, stability, and performance of the insurance company or funeral trust account. Do they have a good rating by an independent rating company? Do they have a sound financial outlook? What is their reputation? Does it seem likely that they will be in business for years to come? You don’t want to commit to a prepaid funeral insurance policy or funeral trust unless you have confidence that your funds will be in safe hands. If you are not comfortable with the funding options available, request an alternate option.

2. Can I qualify for a prepaid funeral plan if I have health issues?

There are two standard ways to prepay for a funeral: a funeral insurance policy or a funeral trust. Most funeral insurance policies require you to answer a few basic health questions (funeral trusts do not ask health questions). Your answers to the health questions will determine the type of coverage you are eligible for. In most cases, your health status will not prevent you from setting up a prepaid funeral plan that is right for your situation.

To get specific details about the plans you qualify for health-wise, it’s best to speak with your funeral provider. They can give you more details about the funeral insurance policies that you are eligible to receive or how to set up a funeral trust. In general, some funeral insurance policies are easier to qualify for but offer no insurance protection in case death occurs before your payments are complete. Other plans offer limited insurance for accidental death only, but after a certain amount of time, the policy converts to a fully insured plan that covers the full cost of your plan should you die before payments are complete. Another possible option is a fully-insured policy that covers your plan 100% from day 1 and requires a few basic health qualifications to be met.

Again, your funeral provider can give you more details about funeral trusts, or the funeral insurance policy you are eligible to receive based on your honest answers to the health questions.

3. Can I cancel my funeral insurance policy or trust?

When planning ahead for funeral costs, it’s important to understand the terms of your contract should you decide to cancel at a later date. For a funeral insurance policy, in most states, there is an initial cancellation period. During this period, you can cancel your funeral policy for a full refund within a certain time frame, usually between 3 and 30 days. After the cancellation period passes, your ability to cancel will depend on whether the policy is revocable or irrevocable.

Revocable policies

With a revocable policy, you can cancel the plan at any time to receive the cash value of the policy. Keep in mind that depending on the type of policy you have, you may get back less than the amount you paid in. It’s a good idea to talk to a customer service representative at the insurance company to understand all of your options before canceling your plan.

Irrevocable policies

With an irrevocable policy, you cannot cancel the plan. An irrevocable funeral plan is usually used when an individual wants to spend down funds for Medicaid qualification by creating a Medicaid-exempt asset. Essentially, Medicaid does not consider an irrevocable plan as part of a person’s countable assets. To learn more about how irrevocable plans work, go to “How Can a Prearranged Funeral Plan Help You Quality for Medicaid?”

Funeral trusts

You can also set up a funeral trust as an irrevocable plan to help you qualify for Medicaid. However, revocable trusts are a little different. If you decide to cancel a revocable trust, the amount of your refund will vary from state to state. In some states, a canceled trust may be subject to penalties and the funeral home may have the right to retain a certain percentage of the trust funds. In other states, the beneficiary is entitled to a 100% refund of principal and interest. Always be sure to speak to your funeral provider or a customer service representative before canceling a trust so that you have all the information you need to make a good financial decision.

4. Can the funeral home guarantee any prices in my funeral contract?

Many funeral providers offer guarantees on funeral goods, services, and merchandise provided by the funeral home with a prepaid funeral plan. This usually means that, according to your agreement, the funeral home accepts the death benefit as payment for the price of the items included in the guarantee at the time of death.

For example, let’s assume your funeral options today add up to $6,500. In 20 years, you can expect the cost of those same or equivalent options to have risen by an estimated 2% per year to approximately $9,000. With a price guarantee, the funeral home will accept the policy’s death benefit as payment in full, even if the benefits are less than the then-current funeral cost. And, if inflation doesn’t grow as expected, in most states, the family will receive a refund of any excess death benefits over the then-current price. Guarantees work differently from state to state, so be sure to check the terms of your contract to understand what will happen in case the death benefit is above or below the funeral prices at the time of loss.

Remember, not all states or funeral homes offer a guarantee and not all items are eligible for a guarantee. Additionally, some funeral homes include an added charge to guarantee items. Ensure that you understand what items, if any, are guaranteed and what items are not.

5. How often will I receive correspondence from my account administrator?

Before you sign a prepaid funeral contract, make sure that you read and fully understand the entire document. Once you’ve signed, you will receive a copy of the contract for your records. Also, when the administrating financial institution receives the funds, you will get an acknowledgment letter.

From there, the amount of correspondence you receive depends on the insurance company and/or financial institution and their practices. Some will send a privacy notice when you first sign up, though not all will do so. Some trust accounts will send you annual 1099’s on the growth of your account. In our technological times, the best way to keep up with your account is to register with the company’s website if possible and keep track of your payments there. Alternatively, if you request paper billing statements, you will see your balance on the statement when it arrives every month.

6. Are there any funeral expenses that cannot be included in my funeral contract with the funeral home?

Absolutely not, you can include anything in your plan. However, for Medicaid qualification purposes, only “normal and customary” funeral expenses will be considered exempt assets. Keep in mind, too, that certain items in your plan may involve a third-party provider and are not typically eligible for a price guarantee. These are usually referred to as cash advance items because the payment is advanced to a third-party providing a service, such as a cemetery, florist, newspaper, caterer, or police escort. Because a third party determines the cost of these items, the funeral home cannot typically guarantee them in a contract. However, you can set aside money within your plan for cash advance items. Or, you can let your family know that these expenses will not be covered within your plan. Communication with your family is the key to avoiding unexpected surprises during a time of loss.

7. If something happens, and my total funeral costs are less than what I paid into my prepaid funeral plan, what happens to the leftover money?

Great question. If you’ve done your homework and have partnered with a reputable funeral home and insurance agency, any leftover funds will be given to your beneficiaries.

8. If I move, can I transfer my funeral contract to another funeral home?

It’s important to understand what your options are if you move away or need to transfer your plan. In most cases, you should have no issues transferring a funeral insurance policy or funeral trust to another funeral home. However, any price guarantees or discounts from your original contract may not carry over. If you want to transfer your plan, ask the funeral home of your choice to review your policy.

9. What happens if my prepaid funeral plan hasn’t been paid in full at the time of death?

It depends. With a fully-insured policy, your family will typically receive full death benefits regardless of whether your plan was paid up. However, even fully-insured plans are contestable in the first two years. In cases of suicide or fraudulent information on the application, full benefits will not be paid.

In general, accidental death is fully covered even by limited benefit insurance policies. If the policy has no insurance coverage, your next of kin will receive the current death benefit of the plan. If any expenses still remain, the surviving family members must cover the cost. Funeral trust accounts do not have accidental death or full coverage benefits.

10. Is it possible to make changes to my funeral contract?

If your funeral contract allows it, you can make changes to the goods and services you originally selected. You cannot make changes to the final disposition (burial or cremation). Should you want to change your final disposition, you must cancel your contract and start over. If you want to make changes to your funeral contract, discuss which changes can be made with your funeral provider. Please note, changing your preferences on an irrevocable plan does not mean you can remove money from the plan.

As you decide what questions to ask, the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) is also an excellent resource. On their website, they list the important components to look for when signing a prepaid funeral contract. To learn more, click here.

*Also, keep in mind: your next of kin can make changes to the funeral contract after your death in order to meet the needs of surviving family members, unless your state law prevents such changes.

Mar 05

Love0

How to Live a Meaningful Life

By christy.kessler Living Well

We all want to make some sort of difference in the world. This desire seems built into the human spirit.

In his landmark book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey asks readers to think through a powerful exercise: visualize your own funeral. Knowing you still have many years left to live and invest into the lives of others, consider for a few moments what you would want your closest loved ones to say about you at the funeral service. What do you want people to remember about you? Think about your friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors. What would you want them to say about the life that you lived?

What Makes Life Meaningful?

Living a meaningful life doesn’t mean living by one certain formula. A meaningful life can take many forms and vary from person to person. Think about the most influential people in your own life. While each person has probably impacted your life in a variety of ways, there are likely certain principles that each one lived by that led them to influence your life for the better. Take a look at the 6 principles below to help you as you consider what you can do to live your best life from this day forward.

1. Value people and relationships more than things

A hospice nurse’s interviews with palliative care patients have recently revealed the top five things people regret at the end of life. Among the top 5 regrets, #2 was “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard,” the biggest regret that the men in the group expressed. The reason? They missed their children’s youth and the companionship of their spouse. Many of us spend a great deal of time pursuing things other than relationships: a successful career at work, a perfect image in the mirror, or even fame and fortune, but deep down, we know that those things are not what make life meaningful or worth living. All we have to do is look at the lives of celebrities to know that fame and fortune can’t bring true happiness or fulfillment. The drive to succeed can distract us for a time, but “success” cannot really fulfill our deepest need: the desire for meaning, significance, and connection. After all, life is not about what we accumulate; it’s about the relationships we’ve built and the people we love. To live meaningfully, make people and relationships your top priority, before work, before wealth, and before achieving success (however you define it), and you won’t live to regret a single day of your life.

2. Find where you belong

We all want to feel wanted and to belong somewhere. We are born into a place to belong – a family, a tribe. But sometimes, as much as we might like it to be the case, our families don’t or can’t meet our need to belong. And so, we feel out of place. If this is you, don’t lose hope. You can still find people who value you and whom you can value in return. For some, it will be a close-knit family. For others, it will be friends, members of a community, or a faith group. With most, it will be a mixture of both groups. But no matter who your tribe is, find them, love them, spend time with them, and do life with them.

3. Discover your passions and pursue them

The third principle is to find out what you’re passionate about and pursue it. Your unique gifts are part of the answer to the world’s problems. Think about it this way: if you don’t pursue your passion, the world will miss out on something amazing. Basically, you have two choices: you can live your life on purpose, or you can let life happen to you. If you choose to live with purpose, you ensure that the things you value most actually happen. You prioritize your passions and pursue your dreams. And dreams come in all shapes and sizes. Maybe you want to be a teacher, raise happy, healthy children, cook delectable meals for family and friends, start a blog, or write a book. No dream is too small – go for it! And the world will be a better place because of it.

4. Find a way to give of yourself

Our natural tendency is to focus inward, to look at our own issues and problems. But to live meaningfully, we need to step outside of ourselves and focus on others. Volunteering is an excellent way to give of yourself. Plus, there are so many different ways to volunteer – you can find one just right for you. By giving of your time and efforts, you make an impact on those around you, strengthen your connections and your community, learn new skills and teach your own skills to others, and you also improve your health. Volunteering is proven to reduce stress and increase overall well-being. It’s that powerful.

5. Live courageously

Living courageously means that you are living with purpose and intentionality while being true to yourself. You have to be willing to take some risks, even if you think you might fail or face rejection. Thomas Edison, when asked about his failure to make a working light bulb, said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” In other words, if we learn from what we would call our failings, they aren’t failings. They are opportunities for growth and will help us get closer to living the life we want.

Taking risks doesn’t mean you have to go skydiving or hike Mt. Everest, but it does mean that you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone at times. In the interviews with palliative care patients that revealed the the top five things people regret at the end of life, two of the top five regrets were: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me,” and “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”

Sometimes, it’s easier to “go with the flow” and ignore our own needs, feelings, and desires in favor of doing what others expect us to do. But to live a meaningful life with no regrets, we have to be willing to share our true selves with others. Stepping outside of that comfort zone can be scary. But the rewards of living a meaningful life are definitely worth it. The reality is that when we have the courage to live authentically, we inspire others to do the same.

6. Live with kindness and compassion

Finally, to live a meaningful life, we must practice kindness and compassion. In today’s world, it is becoming increasingly rare to find people who sincerely care about the lives and circumstances of others. To live meaningful lives, we need to be those people, intentionally looking for ways to help others. Even the smallest acts of kindness and compassion can have an impact. Also, according to recent research, compassion helps us connect with others in a meaningful way, which in turn, improves our mental and physical health, speeds up recovery time from illness, and may even lengthen our lifespans. Kindness is good for us and good for others, too.

So, now that you’ve learned about some principles to living a meaningful life, what do you want people to say about you at your funeral? Take a few moments to really think about what changes you can make today to live a more meaningful life. Take it one day at a time. Finding meaning and living intentionally won’t happen in a day. A meaningful life is made up of thousands of small, deliberate choices that, in the end, tell a beautiful tale of a life well-lived.

Mar 05

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Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: Vietnam Veterans Memorial

By christy.kessler Memorial, Veterans

“Our nation honors the courage, sacrifice and devotion to duty and country of its Vietnam veterans.”

– Inscription on the Memorial Wall at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial

Vietnam Veterans Memorial

Dedicated on November 13, 1982 (Veterans Day), the Vietnam Veterans Memorial exists to honor the courage, sacrifice, and devotion of our American men and women who served in the Vietnam War (Nov 1955 – Apr 1975). Of the 3 million people who died during the conflict, more than 58,000 were Americans. The memorial not only honors the memory of those who died in hostile encounters but all those who served. This includes those still considered missing and the women who served as nurses.

There are three main parts to the memorial: The Memorial Wall (November 13, 1982), the Three Soldiers (November 11, 1984), and the Vietnam Women’s Memorial (November 11, 1993).

How it Came to Be

In April 1979, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund was established with the intent to fund a memorial for Vietnam veterans. Jan C. Scruggs, a wounded Vietnam veteran himself, began the call for a memorial, saying that it would help bring healing to the roughly 3 million Americans who served in the war. Within three years, private donations raised $8.4 million, which included contributions from more than 275,000 Americans.

In July 1980, Congress chose and authorized a site for the memorial. In order to determine the memorial’s design, several federal agencies arranged a competition. By March 30, 1981, they received more than 1,400 submissions. For the sake of fairness and anonymity, no names accompanied the entries. Each entry had an assigned number. In the end, it was entry number 1,026 that won – a woman named Maya Lin.

Due to some controversy surrounding Lin’s design (some thought it too greatly resembled a large tombstone), it was decided to commission Frederick Hart (another design competition entrant) to create a more traditional sculpture. This is how The Three Soldiers came to be. The dedication for The Three Soldiers took place on November 11, 1984, two years after the Memorial Wall.

On November 11, 1993, the Women’s Vietnam Memorial dedication took place. It was designed by Glenna Goodacre to honor the women of the United States who served in the Vietnam War.

Significant Features of the Memorial

Memorial Wall

The Memorial Wall consists of two long, granite walls (246 feet long, 9 inches deep), each polished to a high sheen to create a mirror effect. Each wall possesses 72 panels (144 panels total), each etched with the names of servicemen. When you look at the wall, you can see your own reflection as well as the etched names. This was Maya Lin’s way of symbolically bringing the past and the present together.

At its dedication, the wall listed 57,939 names, but as of May 2018, there are 58,320 names, including eight women. The number of names on the wall differs from the official numbers because some families requested the omission of a veteran’s name. The etched names include all service members declared dead (not necessarily killed in action) as well as those whose status is unknown (missing in action).

Listed in chronological order, the listed names are based on the date of their casualty. Oftentimes, visitors create a rubbing as a memento of their loved one. They place a piece of paper over a name, and using a crayon or pencil, transfer the inscription to paper.

The Three Soldiers

Located a short distance from the Memorial Wall, the more traditional bronze statue of three soldiers stands. At the time of its selection, some people disapproved of the memorial wall’s design. Due to dissenting opinions, The Three Soldiers was commissioned to add a more traditional element. Frederick Hart created the statue that now stands.

The Three Soldiers depicts men who represent the ethnic groups most heavily involved in the war’s combat forces – a Hispanic man, an African American man, and a Caucasian man. From their final placement, it appears as if the three men are looking at the Memorial Wall, as if giving silent tribute to their fallen comrades.

The Women’s Vietnam Memorial

Added at a later date, the Vietnam Women’s Memorial honors the thousands of women who served during the Vietnam War, mostly as nurses. Designed by gifted sculptor Glenna Goodacre, the statue depicts three uniformed women with a wounded soldier.

Diane Carlson, a former Army nurse, first advocated for a memorial to recognize the women’s contribution to the war effort. After ten years, Presidents Reagan and Bush approved the memorial. The dedication took place on November 11, 1993. The addition of the Women’s Vietnam Memorial marked the first establishment of a memorial in the nation’s capital to recognize the patriotic service of women.

“In Memory” Plaque

Established on November 10, 2004, the “In Memory” plaque is a final notable feature of the memorial. Placed near The Three Soldiers, the plaque honors veterans who died after the war as a direct result of injuries suffered in Vietnam but who are not eligible for placement on the Memorial Wall (per Department of Defense guidelines). This includes those who died from PTSD-related illnesses, Hodgkin’s and Parkinson’s, exposure to chemicals like Agent Orange, and cancer.

Made of black granite (2 feet tall, 3 feet wide), the inscription reads: “In memory of the men and women who served in the Vietnam War and later died as a result of their service. We honor and remember their sacrifice.”

Why Do We Have Memorials?

Permanent memorials ensure a lasting tribute for those who have been loved and lost. They also allow us, as people, to honor those we wish to always remember. Just as we create memorials for our heroes, we also create them for our loved ones. Permanent memorials are important for five key reasons.

A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects and connect with those who have died.
It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
A permanent memorial allows people the opportunity to remember and reflect on the lives lived.
It demonstrates our honor and respect for those who have died.

For many of our veterans, a large-scale memorial honors the group as a whole, like the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. However, headstones, grave markers, or inscriptions set in place by their families honor them as individuals. Both types of memorialization are important and honoring to our veterans and our loved ones.

Foreground: American flag backlit by the sun. Background: a grouping of American flags.

Helping Veterans

In 2017, as part of the 35^th anniversary commemoration of the memorial, all 58,282 names were read aloud in the days just prior to Veterans Day. Volunteers, Vietnam veterans, family members of fallen Vietnam veterans, and employees of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund began reading the names early in the week and only took a break between midnight and 5 a.m. Every five years, a group of volunteers read aloud each person’s name. This tradition remembers each person individually and honors them specifically.

If you would like to support our Vietnam veterans, consider partnering with Vietnam Veterans of America, an organization that offers veterans services and outreach programs for Vietnam veterans.

Feb 26

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Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

By christy.kessler Memorial, Veterans

“Here rests in honored glory an American soldier known but to God.” – Inscription on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Memorial Day is a day set aside every year to honor and remember the many men and women who have died while serving our nation. As we seek to honor them, let us remember them and the great sacrifices they made to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Lasting from July 1914 to November 1918, more than 4 million Americans served in World War I. In the end, more than 8 million soldiers across the world died in the conflict, with over 116,000 of them being American. Thousands of soldiers remained unidentified at the end of the war, and in 1920, the United Kingdom dedicated its own Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. In the following year, the United States, France, and Italy all dedicated their own memorials to the unidentified dead of the war. To this day, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is the most hallowed grave at Arlington Cemetery.

How It Came to Be

On March 4, 1921, Congress approved the burial of an unidentified American soldier to honor the unidentified dead of the war. In November, four unknown soldiers were exhumed from the four World War I American cemeteries in France. U.S. Army Sergeant Edward Younger, a decorated veteran, selected one of the caskets at random to be taken to Washington, D.C., for burial at the memorial. Once in the United States, the unknown soldier lay in state at the Capital from his arrival on November 9 until Veterans Day (then called Armistice Day). An estimated 90,000 people came to pay their respects during his time at the Capitol. On November 11, 1921, President Warren G. Harding officiated the interment ceremonies at the memorial.

Eventually, the remains of unidentified soldiers from World War II, the Korean War, and the Vietnam War would join their World War I compatriot in nearby interment locations marked with white marble slabs. However, in 1998, DNA testing identified the unknown Vietnam soldier. After his identification, the family received his remains. The Vietnam crypt remains vacant to this day, though an inscription was added, which says, “Honoring and Keeping Faith with America’s Missing Servicemen.”

Significant Features of the Memorial

When it was first constructed, the memorial did not include the rectangular, white marble sarcophagus that we now associate with the memorial. Instead, a simple marble slab covered the tomb’s opening. It was always intended that a structure sit atop the crypt, but it wasn’t until July 1926 that the funds were authorized. Then, in 1929, Lorimer Rich and Thomas Hudson Jones’ design was approved, and construction officially began.

The Tomb

Using Yule marble quarried from Marble, Colorado, the tomb consists of seven large pieces. It is flat-faced with neoclassic columns. Sculpted onto the east panel are three Greek figures, symbolizing peace, victory, and valor, commemorating the spirit of the Allies. And on the north and south panels, six inverted wreaths are sculpted, symbolizing mourning and representing the six major campaigns in World War I fought by Americans: Battel of Ardennes, Battle of Belleau Wood, Battle of Chateau-Thierry, Meusse-Argonne, Aisne-Marne, and the Battle of the Somme.

Perhaps most remembered is the inscription on the western panel, which reads:

“Here rests in honored glory an American soldier known but to God”

Tomb Guards

Perhaps as well known as the tomb itself are the Sentinels, or the tomb guards. It is considered one of the highest honors to serve as a Sentinel at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Additionally, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Guard Identification Badge is the second least-awarded qualification badge in the U.S. military (the first least-awarded is the astronaut badge).

Since 1948, all of the Sentinels have come out of the 3^rd Infantry Regiment, or “The Old Guard.” While they are guarding the tomb, the Sentinels do not wear rank insignia. By doing this, they will never outrank the Unknowns. The Sentinels command silence and respect at the tomb and will confront visitors who cross the barriers of the tomb or display loud or disrespectful behavior.

While they are actively guarding the tomb, the Sentinels “walk the mat” and follow a meticulous routine:

March 21 steps south down the 63′ long, black mat laid before the tomb
Turn and face east, toward the tomb, for 21 seconds
Turn and face north, change weapon to outside shoulder, and wait 21 seconds
March 21 steps down the mat
Turn and face east for 21 seconds
Turn and face south, change weapon to outside shoulder, and wait 21 seconds
The routine repeats until the changing of the guard

The number 21 is significant because it symbolizes the highest military honor that can be bestowed – the 21-gun salute.

Since 1937, guards have watched over the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The Sentinels must meet the highest standards of behavior for their entire lifetime. If they do anything throughout their lifetime to disrespect the tomb, they risk their badge. While the Sentinels are usually male, three women have held the honored post.

Why Do We Have Memorials?

A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects and connect with those who have died.
It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
A permanent memorial allows people the opportunity to remember and reflect on the lives lived.
It remembers and respects the dead.

For many of our veterans, a large-scale memorial honors the group as a whole, as is the case with the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. However, headstones, grave markers, or inscriptions set in place by their families honor them as individuals. Both types of memorialization are important and honoring to our veterans and our loved ones.

How You Can Help

While all of our World War I veterans have died, we can still remember them and honor their sacrifice. Wreaths Across America takes donations throughout the year, and every December, they lay a wreath of remembrance on the grave of as many veterans as possible. You can sponsor a wreath or volunteer to distribute them at cemeteries across the United States and beyond. Whatever you choose, sponsoring a wreath is a touching way to remember those who gave so much to our nation.

Feb 21

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Survival Guide to Grieving Special Days

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

We all have “special” days in our lives, and after the loss of someone we love, they are often particularly difficult. Birthdays. Holidays. Anniversaries. The first day you met. The first time you knew you loved them. Their favorite day of the year. No matter who you’ve lost – parent, grandparent, spouse, sibling, child, or friend – any day of the year could be special to you and the one you love.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a noted grief counselor, author, and educator, affirms that our grief journeys are as unique as we are. “In life, everyone grieves. But their grief journeys are never the same. Despite what you may hear, you will do the work of mourning in your own special way. Be careful about comparing your experience with that of other people. Also, do not adopt assumptions about how long your grief should last. Just consider taking a ‘one-day-at-a-time’ approach. Doing so allows you to mourn at your own pace.”

When those special and significant days come, here are a few ideas for navigating through them:

1. Plan ahead

As a special day or milestone approaches, consider what you will need to get through the day. Think ahead and decide if you need to take the day off to rest and reflect. You may also wish to do something special or meaningful to honor your loved one’s memory. Or, you may want to go to a special place or gather with certain people on that day. A little planning ahead of time can make for a more peaceful and contemplative day.

2. Take time to remember

The hardest part about a day that is special to you is if no one else seems to remember. No matter what the particular day may be, if it’s significant to you and your lost loved one, do something to remember, to celebrate, to commemorate, and to honor it. Take flowers to the gravesite, look through old photos and videos, light a candle, or write a letter. All of these are simple ways to express your grief outwardly. The outward expression of grief will help bring peace and healing on a difficult day.

3. Give to meaningful causes

Giving back is one way you can pay it forward to others and carry on your loved one’s legacy. Though your loved one is gone, their legacy lives on through you. For example, if they greatly valued children, find a way to give back to local or international programs that help children. You may even sign up for a race or a walk that raises funds for a special cause. Focusing on the needs of others will also help you look outside your own pain and take a break from grief.

4. Reinvent the day

Another option is to reinvent the days that bring you pain. For example, on the anniversary of your loved one’s death, do something that would have delighted them. If they loved to fish, go spend a day at the lake and take time to remember and cherish. This same principle can be applied to any special day. Changing routines and focusing on what brings you joy and peace, even temporarily, can help you get through a hard day.

5. Enjoy quiet time

For many of us, we need time alone to process through our emotions, so quietness may be what you need on the “special” days. Take deep breaths and allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you need to feel. If painful emotions come to the surface, find a healthy way to express those emotions. Remember, it’s okay if you need to cry. Grief journaling, creative expression, and spending time outdoors are all very effective ways to express your feelings.

6. Talk about your feelings

Your friends and family care. Don’t be afraid that you’re going to “bring them down” if you talk honestly about the sadness that you’re experiencing. If you need to get something off your chest, do it. Too often, our culture encourages us to stifle sad emotions and put on a happy face. But it’s healthy to express what we feel and confide in others. Let those who love you support you. If your friends and family are unable to give what you need at this time, join a support group or find a counselor.

7. Spend time with friends and family

While it is good to spend some time in solitude and reflection, it is also important to socialize with people who support you and care about you. Go out to dinner or prepare a meal together. Turn on a favorite film or tv show. Numerous studies have shown that laughter plays an important role in lowering stress, improving mood, strengthening our relationships, and contributing to our overall health. By taking time to laugh with people you love, you take a healing step forward.

Don’t Forget – It’s a Journey

Some of these suggestions may appeal to you while others don’t. That’s okay. Remember what Dr. Wolfelt said earlier? Our grief journeys are never the same. They look different for each of us, so some of these options will be right for you and others won’t. Simply choose what’s best for you and follow through.

The “special” days will always be special to you, but eventually, the pain they awaken won’t be so overwhelming. The grief will lessen in intensity, but we never truly get over our grief. We become reconciled to it. In other words, we find a new way to live because the old way is gone forever. It’s hard work, and it will take time, but eventually, you will find your “new normal.”

But for now, grieve. Cry. Remember. And look for ways to celebrate your lost loved one on those days that are special to you. Or find a way to turn painful days into positive, uplifting moments that help you honor and remember the one who died. May you find the peace and reconciliation you need.

Feb 21

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Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: World War II Memorial

By christy.kessler Memorial, Veterans

“It is altogether fitting and proper that we gather this weekend [Memorial Day weekend] and in this place to memorialize the people, places, and events that forever changed the course of history and turned back a rising tide of tyranny – when the fate of the free world hung in the balance.”

– President George W. Bush at the World War II Memorial’s Dedication Ceremony on May 29, 2004

World War II Memorial

The World War II Memorial was dedicated on May 29, 2004, and was constructed to honor and memorialize those brave Americans who served in the Armed Forces and as civilians during World War II. More than 16 million people served in the United States Armed Forces during World War II, including more than 400,000 who gave their lives to the cause. While the conflict began in Europe in 1939, the United States did not enter the war until 1941, after the attack on Pearl Harbor. In the ensuing years, many Americans applied themselves diligently to the war effort, and ultimately, with many allies across multiple countries, emerged victorious.

How It Came to Be

It took several years for the memorial to become a reality. In 1987, World War II veteran Roger Durbin first approached a U.S. Representative about the construction of a memorial for World War II veterans. It took a few years, but in 1993, the Senate approved the request. Soon after, President Bill Clinton signed the World War II Act into law. After the Act passed, it took several years to raise funds, finalize blueprints, and construct the memorial.

Significant Features of the Memorial

Located along the National Mall in Washington, D.C., directly between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument, the World War II Memorial stands in stately grace at the former site of the Rainbow Pool. Prominently displayed nearby, an announcement stone declares:

Here in the presence of Washington and Lincoln,
one the eighteenth century father and the other the
nineteenth century preserver of our nation, we honor
those twentieth century Americans who took up the struggle
during the Second World War and made the sacrifices to
perpetuate the gift our forefathers entrusted to us—
a nation conceived in liberty and justice.

Consisting of 56 pillars, two small triumphal arches, a square, and a fountain, the World War II Memorial was opened to the public on April 29, 2004, and officially dedicated on May 29, 2004.

Surrounding a large pool are granite columns representing each U.S. state and territory at the time of World War II. Additionally, two triumphal arches labeled “Atlantic” and “Pacific” represent the two war fronts.

Perhaps the most striking feature of the memorial is the Freedom Wall. The wall displays 4,048 gold stars, representing the ultimate sacrifice paid by more than 400,000 Americans. Each star represents 100 Americans who lost their lives during the conflict. In front of the wall, an inscribed stone fittingly states, “Here we mark the price of freedom.”

Why Do We Have Memorials?

A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects and connect with those who have died.
It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
A permanent memorial allows people the opportunity to remember and reflect on the lives lived.
It ensures that the dead are remembered and respected.

For many of our veterans, a large-scale memorial honors the group as a whole. This is the case with World War II veterans and the World War II Memorial. However, for individuals, families set headstones, grave markers, or inscriptions in place. Both types of memorialization are important and honoring to our veterans and our loved ones.

Want to Get Involved?

If you would like to help veterans visit Washington, D.C. and the memorials dedicated to their service and sacrifice, consider joining Honor Flight Network in making their mission a continued reality. Since 2005, Honor Flight has flown 180,261 veterans to Washington, D.C., and their important work continues.

Also, the Friends of the National World War II Memorial, founded in 2007, is “dedicated to honoring and preserving the national memory of World War and to creating the next ‘Greatest Generation’ of tomorrow.” To learn more about their mission, visit www.wwiimemorialfriends.org.

Feb 14

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5 Reasons Why People Don’t Plan Ahead for Funeral Wishes

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

Life is full of to-do lists, errands, activities, hobbies, and gatherings. While many of these things bring us great joy, some of them simply need doing. While we may not relish taking 10 minutes out of our day to fill up the gas tank, it must be done. For many, planning ahead for funeral wishes is one of those things we just keep putting off. Based on a recent survey by the FAMIC (Funeral and Memorial Information Council), 89% of Americans (40+ years old) feel that a discussion about their end-of-life wishes would be meaningful, but only 17% had actually made arrangements. So, what is it that keeps us from planning ahead for funeral wishes?

5 Reasons Why People Don’t Plan Ahead for Funeral Wishes

1. “I’m too young.”

While it is true that you may be in your prime and have many years left to enjoy and fill with lasting memories, this is not a good reason to put off planning. After all, none of us actually know the number of our days. Even if you don’t sit down with a funeral professional to go over all your options or set up a prepaid funeral plan, you can: 1) write down your wishes and let an emergency contact know where they are, and 2) start saving now for when the need arises. We have not yet found a way to live forever, and unless we do, one day your family will need to know your wishes.

2. “I don’t have the money.”

Did you know that it costs you nothing to preplan for funeral wishes? If you choose a funeral home partner, a knowledgeable staff member will sit down with you, free of charge, to review all of your options. As you review your options and determine what’s right for you and your family, you can get an accurate idea of what the funeral will actually cost. (However, keep in mind, costs will increase over time.) This information will help you when you determine how the funeral will one day be paid for. Even if you decide not to pre-pay for a funeral, ask a funeral professional about their offerings. You may find a better deal than you expected!

3. “I’m too busy.”

Life does have a tendency to pull us in many different directions. As with many things, we just have to make time for the things that matter. If we see the value in something, we make time for it. Take exercise or higher education or work. We see the value in them, so we make time for them. Planning ahead for funeral wishes is a valuable use of your time. It gives you a chance to figure out how you want to be remembered while also giving your loved ones a special gift of love – the knowledge that they have honored and remembered you as you desired. Knowing your wishes takes a lot of pressure off surviving family members during a time of pain and distress.

4. “I don’t want to think about my own death.”

This may be more of a subconscious reason. In our everyday lives, we don’t really want to think about death, and that is perfectly natural. However, we can’t avoid the inevitable. Someday, each of us will die. Isn’t it better to be prepared? We plan ahead for many life events – weddings, parties, vacations, family visits, and so on. Many of us even prepare for the possibility of unexpected things by purchasing auto, home, or fire insurance. Doesn’t it make sense to plan ahead for an event that you know will happen? Especially if, by recording your funeral wishes, you can give your family members peace of mind that everything is taken care of?

5. “Someone else will do it.”

This is true. Someone else could do it. You could leave everything to your surviving family members. But, ultimately, you’re the one who knows you best and can make the best decisions. Do you have a preference for burial or cremation? Will your loved ones highlight the stories that you would want highlighted? If you do prefer cremation, would you prefer urn burial or scattering or some other option? Making all of these decisions while also mourning a loss puts an emotional strain on surviving family members. On top of that, they will never know if they did the right thing. Yes, someone else could do it, but doing most of the decision-making for them is a much better option.

The Value of Planning Ahead

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, nationally-recognized grief counselor and educator, has walked alongside thousands of grieving families. Because of this experience, he knows the value of the funeral and the impact it has on those left behind to mourn. He has found that there are six needs of mourning, and the funeral is the key to beginning the grief journey on the right foot.

In his own words: “The reconciliation needs of mourning are the six needs that I believe to be the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”

The reality is that by putting together a full plan – or just by putting your general wishes in writing – you increase the likelihood that your family will find peace of mind during a trying time. Not only that, but you create a personalized service that honors your life the way you want. After all, one of the key aspects of a healing and meaningful funeral is personalization. Your life is unique and worth remembering. Help your family do it well. It’s never too early to plan ahead, though it could be too late.

For more information on how to create a meaningful and healing funeral, take a few moments to read the following articles:

Why is the Funeral Ritual Important?

Why Do We Have Funerals? (video)

7 Elements of a Healing and Meaningful Funeral

Helping Your Family Personalize a Funeral

6 Ways to Personalize a Funeral

Feb 14

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How Creativity Can Help You Deal With Loss

By christy.kessler AfterCare, Grief/Loss

Your way back will happen very slowly. Almost like a whisper. You will be OK. Not the same. But OK. Not you. But still you. – Christina Rasmussen

Sometimes talking about our grief isn’t enough. Maybe our words don’t fully say what we want them to say. Or they don’t capture the depth of what we feel. This is why creative expression is such an integral part of the human experience and an excellent way to process the painful feelings we encounter, especially during times of grief. For many, participating in creative self-expression can help bring deep-rooted, complex emotions to light.

As part of your grief journey, you might consider taking up an activity that allows you to express yourself creatively. For many of us, painting comes to mind first, but you don’t have to take up painting if you don’t want to. There are many ways to express yourself creatively and tap into what is hiding below the surface. For example, you could: draw (pencil, pastels, ink), paint, sculpt, scrapbook, keep a grief journal, take photographs, garden, write poetry or prose, cook, bake, take up calligraphy, compose music, restore a car, woodwork, or create a memory quilt or box.

In the end, the final product doesn’t matter. The healing value is in the doing. You don’t have to be good at something to take it up as a vehicle for healing. In other words, you don’t have to be a writer to keep a grief journal. You don’t have to be a painter to use watercolors or oils. You don’t have to be a photographer to take beautiful pictures. All you need is the motivation and the desire to see if creative expression will help you.

Here are a few reasons why delving into your creativity may help you deal with loss.

1. It helps you express things you might not be able to put into words.

We all know how it feels to be at a loss for words. Creative expression allows us to become more aware of how we actually feel. In the creative process, we slow down a little and think about our emotions, actions, moods, and behaviors. There may be something going on inside that we don’t realize is there until we take the time to explore it.

2. The creative options available to you are wide and varied.

As mentioned above, you aren’t limited in what medium you choose as your creative outlet. An Australian woman did choose to paint and is now exhibiting her work, while another woman created works of art made from the clothing left behind by the son she lost. Eric Clapton, a musician who lost his young son in a freak accident, used music to help him deal with his grief. No matter what form of expression you choose, the results can contribute to the healing and reconciliation you come to regarding the death of the person you loved.

3. It’s a safe way to express your emotions.

Grief can bring out a myriad of emotions. Some of your emotions may even make you nervous or afraid. Using your creativity to deal with loss is a way to safely express yourself. No other person needs to be around when you create, unless you want them to be. It’s a time when you can choose to be alone to constructively explore what’s in your heart and mind. Your work is as private as you want it to be, and even if the emotions that reveal themselves are ugly, it’s better to get them out than to have them bottled up inside, waiting for a moment to burst.

4. It’s something you can control in a world that may seem out of control.

When we lose someone we love, our world is rocked. Things that felt safe and secure before may now feel shaky and uncertain. Depending on the depth of the loss, it may feel like everything is spiraling out of control. By taking up a creative habit, you create an opportunity where you can exert a certain level of control over at least one aspect of your life. It’s your work, and you make the rules. Throughout the process, creativity may become a reliable friend – a means of self-support during a time of confusion and pain.

5. It provides you with an opportunity to engage with others who are grieving.

Some will choose to engage in solitary creative expression. Others will take the opportunity to participate in collective creative expression. If you decide to paint, you might join a group of other painters who are going through loss. If you decide to write poetry, you could join a writing group focused on grief. You are not alone in your journey – so many others are also dealing with grief in their own way. You may find a kindred spirit in a class who will come alongside you as you grieve.

6. It is beneficial to your health.

It has been discovered that self-expression, particularly the arts, can actually help relieve feelings of stress, fear, and depression. The body calms during the activity, which, in turn, contributes to reduced blood pressure and even releases chemicals in the brain to decrease some types of depression. By allowing the emotions building up on the inside to find outward expression, you are actually allowing your body to relax, resulting in less strain and better health.

7. It helps you remember that there is still beauty in the world.

No matter which medium you choose to interact with – photography, journaling, woodworking, painting, etc. – at some point you will make a realization: there is still beauty in the world. The flowers are still delicate, the mountains are still impressive, and people are still worth knowing and loving. Even in grief, you will have good moments – days when you remember that life can be good. When those days come, don’t reject them. Embrace them. Remember that life can be good again…not the same but still good.

A brief note regarding creative expression and children in grief: Creative expression activities (most often arts & crafts) are very helpful for children experiencing grief. Children have a difficult time identifying what they are feeling, much less putting it into words. Arts & crafts allow them to communicate without words and provide an opportunity to release their emotions and express their thoughts.

If you’d like to give creative expression a try, you first need to pick an activity that appeals to you – even if you don’t think you’re good at it! Then, for three or four consecutive days, spend at least 20 minutes a day doing your chosen activity. After a few days, evaluate how you feel and if you’d like to continue. Fully embrace the activity during the trial phase and express yourself fearlessly. Your emotions are important, and they need to be expressed so that you can move forward.