christy.kessler, Author at Funeral Basics

May 24

Father and adult son, holding son's newborn twins

Forever in Our Hearts: 10 Ways to Honor Dad’s Memory

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Memorial

No dad is perfect, but some of them get pretty close. Whether you love every aspect of your dad or you are still healing from past hurts, you may want to take time to honor his memory if he has already died. For some, this will be an exercise of joyful remembrance, and for others, it will be part of a series of healing actions that may bring reconciliation to life-long hurts. Wherever you’re at on the spectrum, here are 10 ways you can honor your dad’s memory that will help you heal and move forward.

1. Engage in an activity you enjoyed together

Every relationship is different, so whatever you and your dad enjoyed doing together, consider doing that. Whether that’s going to ballgames, visiting Disney World, woodworking, camping, hiking, watching movies, trying out new kinds of food, or painting, do something that will make you feel close to him once again as you honor his memory.

2. Enjoy his favorite food or beverage

If your dad was a food guy, you might consider grilling out, heading to a winery or brewhouse, making his favorite dessert, or trying out something new with him in mind. You could host an event to honor the dads you know and say a few words about the impact your own dad had on your life. Or, at the holidays, you can make sure to include his favorite dishes and share stories while you enjoy a meal with family.

3. Send him a message

While the physical presence of a loved one may be gone, they are still very much alive in your memory and in your emotions. That’s why sending messages even after loss is still a valuable exercise. You could write “I miss you” on a biodegradable balloon and release it to the sky or you could write a letter to say all the things you wish you’d said. Another option is to visit Dad’s grave – a place where he is still physically present – and share what’s on your heart.

4. Participate in a memorial action

If you are a person of action, you could do something “in memory” of your dad. Perhaps you could run in a 5K or a marathon, donate time or money to his favorite charity, or light a remembrance candle at home or a place of worship. No matter what you decide makes the most sense for your relationship with your dad, you can do it in memory of him.

5. Take a trip to a place he always wanted to go

Perhaps you and dad always talked about hiking the Appalachian Trail, visiting the Grand Canyon, or finally going to that prestigious art museum. While he may not go with you physically, you can still take him with you. Plan that trip and bring something that reminds you of him on the journey. You could even take pictures wearing that favorite hat or bandana of his so that it’s like he’s right there with you!

6. Reminisce with others (or on your own)

After losing someone you love, telling the stories of your life together is soothing and comforting. So, as you seek to honor your dad’s memory, take time to look at the photos, watch the home videos, and share the stories. You could even place a memory jar in your home where every member of the family can write down favorite memories, and each of you can read each other’s favorites.

7. Create keepsake items

For those who find comfort in sentimental items, creating a keepsake item might be an excellent way to honor your dad’s memory. For instance, you could create something from one of his favorite clothing items. Or you could create a decorative stone with his favorite saying in your yard or garden, so that every time you pass by, you smile at his memory. A scrapbook or photobook is another way to put your memories into one place where you can recall them anytime you miss him dearly.

8. Post on social media

In today’s digital age, it’s common practice to post tributes on social media. Perhaps you can post old photos or memories on your dad’s birthday, at holidays, or on other special days. Alternatively, for his birthday month, you could do one post a day sharing memories from your time together. No matter which platform you prefer, you can use your creativity to put together a post that is meaningful to you.

9. Restore an item

Is there something that belongs to your dad that you just love, but it’s seen better days? Then perhaps a way that you can honor your dad’s memory is by restoring or repurposing that item. For a favorite chair or toolbox, you could restore it to its original glory. However, if it’s not something you can fix, you can perhaps repurpose it and create a new item that works for your life now. For example, you could use that favorite flannel shirt to create homemade Christmas ornaments.

10. Host a remembrance event

For some, putting together an “official” event will bring additional healing during a time of loss. While the funeral service is an excellent place to begin the grief journey, there may be days in the years to come that need marking. If you’d like to put together a remembrance event – one year, five years, ten years – after your dad’s passing, don’t hesitate to do that. Invite the people who mean the most to you, who knew your dad, and take time to honor him and remember his impact on your lives.

Now, these are just some ideas to get you started, so take some time to get creative. Ask yourself, “What would Dad want to do?” And if you never knew your dad or you had a difficult relationship with him, you can grieve what you wish you had together. Dealing with grief is never easy, but over time, as you do the work of grief and participate in healing actions, you will find the healing your heart needs.

May 11

Love0

Young couple reviewing official documents with advisor

4 Reasons to Keep Your Beneficiaries Up to Date

By christy.kessler Estate Planning

Wouldn’t it be great if estate planning was a “one and done” type of task? If life came without change, then it could be, but we all know change is inevitable. That’s why it’s so important to update your estate plan needs over time, too. While it may seem like a hassle, failing to update your beneficiaries can actually have long-reaching effects that you’ll want to avoid. If you’re not convinced, let’s go over 4 key reasons why keeping your beneficiaries up to date is so valuable!

What is a Beneficiary?

Before we jump into the reasons why it’s so important to update your beneficiaries, let’s first review what a beneficiary actually is. To define the term, a beneficiary is the person or entity that will receive the proceeds of your accounts upon your death. You may name a beneficiary on:

Last will and testament
Living trust
Life insurance policies
Retirement accounts
Investment accounts
Company benefits plans
Bank accounts
Pensions
Veterans’ benefits
And any other assets you own!

It’s always good to name both a primary beneficiary and a contingent beneficiary. That way, if the primary beneficiary were to die before you, the contingent beneficiary would inherit in their place.

Now that you have an understanding of what a beneficiary is as well as what types of accounts they are associated with, let’s talk about why it’s essential to keep your beneficiary information up to date!

4 Reasons to Keep Your Beneficiaries Up to Date

Reason #1 – Your Relationships Are Going to Change Over Time

If one thing is certain, the relationships in your life are going to change. Whether you’re a young person who hopes to marry one day or you’re an older adult who may eventually face the death of a spouse, things are going to change, and most likely, your listed beneficiaries will be affected.

When you go through a major life change, like marriage, birth of a child, death of a spouse, divorce, etc., make sure you update your beneficiaries. If you don’t, your family may face unintended consequences. Let’s look at a few examples.

Marriage

If you marry and don’t add your new spouse as a beneficiary, your spouse may not inherit anything. Of course, it all depends on who your beneficiaries are. If you are a young person and have always named your parents as beneficiaries, they will hopefully make sure that your spouse is taken care of. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case, especially with estranged relationships. The best route is to update your beneficiaries to include your new spouse.

Divorce

Let’s say you marry in your twenties. You have two children and set up a life insurance policy, naming your then-spouse as beneficiary. Fast forward 20 years. You have divorced and re-married, and now, you have a child with your new partner. If you never updated your beneficiaries on your policy, your ex-spouse would inherit, leaving no proceeds for your current spouse or any of your three children. By updating your beneficiaries as needed, you can avoid this unpleasant situation. For more helpful tips on estate planning for a blended family, click here.

Deceased Beneficiary

In some cases, you may name a beneficiary who happens to die before you. If you don’t update your beneficiary to someone new, it can cause complications down the line and may require your family to go to court to straighten things out. And in some cases, you can’t untangle things, and your family won’t receive your assets.

Even after only a few examples, it’s easy to see how complications creep in quickly. By staying on top of your beneficiary updates, you can ensure that everything goes smoothly for your loved ones.

Reason #2 – Your Beneficiary Designations Supersede Your Legal Will

Did you know that the United States Supreme Court ruled that beneficiary designations supersede the provisions of a will or trust? What does that mean? It means that keeping your beneficiaries up to date is more important than ever before.

Even if you write a legal will, whoever is listed as your beneficiary on the individual accounts is the person who will inherit. So, if you write in your legal will that your spouse should inherit the proceeds of your investment account, but your parent is named as the beneficiary on the account, your parent will inherit, if they are still living. If they aren’t living, things get more complicated from there, and your spouse may need to go to court to receive any proceeds at all.

In situations where there is divorce and re-marriage, it’s essential to update beneficiary information. If you don’t, an ex-spouse may receive support you intended for a current spouse. By keeping things as current as possible, you can prevent headache and heartache for those you love.

Reason #3 – You Eliminate Confusion and Avoid Probate Court

Reflecting back on what we’ve already discussed, it’s easy to see how quickly things can get confusing with your estate plan and beneficiary selection. By keeping your beneficiaries up to date and accurate, you eliminate unnecessary confusion for your loved ones.

By matching up your beneficiary information with your legal will, you can make sure that your intentions are crystal clear. With everything clear-cut and in agreeance, your family can avoid the costly expense of probate court and receive the financial benefit of your accounts much sooner.

Reason #4 – You Ensure Your Loved Ones’ Financial Security

Without the correct beneficiaries listed on your financial accounts, the wrong person may receive the proceeds of your hard work. To ensure that your loved ones receive everything you want them to, it’s best to stay on top of your beneficiary information. The last thing your loved ones need after your passing is to untangle your legal affairs and possibly go to court to ensure their own financial security. And even in court, they may not win because many beneficiary mistakes are irreversible.

What’s Next?

Now, it’s time to go check your accounts and make sure that your beneficiary information is accurate and up to date. Has your beneficiary moved or died? Have phone numbers changed? Are your relationships different now? Would like someone else to inherit? All of these things could trigger the need to update your beneficiary information.

While it would be great if you could do everything once and be done, life isn’t always that straightforward. Consider reviewing your beneficiary information every two – three years (or whenever you have a significant life change), so that you don’t fall into this common estate planning mistake. Instead, you will protect your family’s interests and well-being, both today and in the future.

DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary. Only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.

Apr 26

Love0

Adult son hugging his mother, both smiling

Grieving the Death of an Adult Child

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

Losing a child – at any age – is a devastating experience for parents. It feels unnatural and “out of order” for a child to die first, and no one feels this strain more than the parents themselves. While this feeling is universal for all parents, those who are grieving the loss of an adult child face some unique challenges. Let’s look at a few of these challenges before reviewing key tips for processing grief.

Challenges Parents Face When an Adult Child Dies

Below, we will discuss 4 of the most common challenges you may face as you grieve the loss of your adult child. If you are experiencing something else, that’s okay. Every family situation is different and will come with its own set of challenges and concerns.

Challenge #1 – Misunderstood Grief

Unfortunately, when grieving the death of an adult child, it’s not uncommon for parents to face disenfranchised grief. This means that other people – family, friends, co-workers, society in general – may not fully understand the pain you’re feeling and may not know what to say or how to deal with it. In general, society has an easier time understanding the grief that comes from the death of a young child, so when the person is an adult child, they are less sure about how to react.

For instance, a well-meaning friend may say, “At least you had 30, 40, 50 years with your child.” While this comment was intended to comfort, it unintentionally makes light of the depth of pain you feel at the death of your adult child. While disenfranchised grief does not occur in every instance, it is something to be aware of as it can add an extra level of challenge to the grief journey.

Challenge #2 – Feelings of Guilt

For many parents going through grief, guilt is a common emotion (and a normal one!). You may feel guilty for many reasons, including feeling that you:

Didn’t do enough to help, or you missed the signs (if the death was related to suicide, substance abuse, drunk driving, or another similar reason)
Are separate and isolated (if you live far away and couldn’t be as present)
Should have been able to protect your child (whether this is realistic or not)
Somehow contributed to what happened

You may find yourself reviewing the details of your child’s death over and over, wondering if you could have done something to change what happened. While this review process is normal and your mind’s way of coming to grips with reality, be kind to yourself. The more you practice negative self-talk, the longer and harder the journey toward healing will be.

Challenge #3 – Loss of Support

Every family has different dynamics, and for some parents, the death of an adult child means a loss of support – whether that’s emotional, physical, or even financial. This is particularly true for aging or disabled parents, who may lean more heavily on their adult children for everyday care and support.

If this is your situation, you may find that you are not only dealing with feelings of grief but are also facing instability and insecurity in other areas of life. If this happens to you, consider reaching out to friends and family who can help bring more physical and financial security to your life. That way, you have the foundation you need to work through the emotional aspects of your loss.

Challenge #4 – Isolation

As parents, you want to take care of your children and grandchildren. Because of this protective instinct, you may prioritize the grief of your child’s spouse or children over your own feelings of loss. While it’s admirable to offer comfort and support – and you should – try not to neglect your own needs. You’ve lost a child, and your feelings are just as valid and legitimate. Be open about your needs. Don’t suppress what you feel. If you do, you may unintentionally isolate yourself and open the door to deeper feelings of sadness or depression. Care for yourself even as you take care of others.

Tips for Healing After Loss

Now that you are familiar with some of the most common challenges that grieving parents face, you can be on the lookout for them. Next, let’s discuss a few suggestions for how you can move toward healing.

Give Yourself Time

Grief doesn’t come with a formula or a handbook. It’s a day-by-day journey, working through your thoughts and emotions with intentionality and purpose. It’s going to take time, and that’s normal and right. Don’t rush yourself. While you will never “get over” the loss you’ve gone through, you can learn how to move forward with meaning and purpose.

Participate in Healing Actions

One of the most effective tools for grieving is to participate in healing activities, like journaling, visiting special places, creating memorial keepsake items, writing a letter saying the things left unsaid, or whatever else makes sense to honor your child’s life. Each time you participate in a meaningful action, it will soothe your spirit and help you work through the emotions building inside.

Let Others Help You

During times of grief, it’s common to self-isolate. While taking time to be alone is valuable and important to the grief journey, remember to also speak out what’s going on inside your heart and mind. Whether you talk with a friend, family member, therapist, or grief support group, it’s important to get things outside yourself. Not only is this practice essential to healing, it will help your friends and family understand where you’re at and how they can support and love you through the journey.

Take Care of Yourself

If you are like many people, you may be tempted to “stay busy” as a way of avoiding your grief. It feels like a good idea in the short term, but in the long run, this tactic won’t help you heal. That said, do the things that must be done but don’t be afraid to adjust your responsibilities for a time. This will ensure that you have time to take care of yourself – mentally, emotionally, and physically.

What’s Next?

Now that you are familiar with some challenges you may face and have learned several healing tips, it’s time to do the work of grief. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief counselor and educator, puts it this way:

Someone you love has died. In your heart, you have come to know your deepest pain. From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of people I have counseled over the years, I have learned that we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.

While it may be difficult right now to fathom a future where your pain lessens, it will come. And if healing feels disloyal or wrong, remember that healing doesn’t mean you forget. On the contrary, you will NEVER forget your child’s life and the joy they brought you. Healing is about honoring their memory in beautiful ways, about keeping their memory alive, and about embracing the joy of life for as long as you have it. Blessings to you on the journey.

Mar 16

Love0

Easter & the Search for Meaning After Loss

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

Losing a loved one can be one of the most difficult things we experience in life. In fact, the word “bereavement” actually means to “be torn apart,” and how true that often is. Because the death of a loved one causes such distress, it affects our bodies, minds, and emotions.

During his years of walking alongside grieving families, nationally respected grief counselor and educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt has found that there are six needs of mourning. They are 1) acknowledging the reality of the death, 2) moving toward the pain of loss, 3) remembering the person who died, 4) developing a new self-identity, 5) searching for meaning, and 6) receiving ongoing support from others.

Based on his experience, Dr. Wolfelt has found that the people who take time to work through each one of these needs are on more solid footing throughout the grief journey. They are more likely to find healing and reconciliation after loss. This doesn’t mean they “get over” the loss; it simply means they learn how to incorporate it into their life story and begin to move forward.

But What Does This Have to Do with Easter?

One thing that Easter brings us face to face with is the search for meaning (Need #5). The search for meaning is all about asking the inevitable questions that come after the death of someone we know or love and how we should move forward afterward. For the sake of example, let’s imagine the disciples trying to make sense of Jesus’ death.

“Why did this happen?”
“What do we do now?”
“How do we move forward from here?”
“If he was the Son of God, how could he let this happen?”

They must have faced so many doubts, fears, and uncertainties. Not to mention the deep grief of losing a beloved brother, mentor, and friend.

It’s the same for us today when we lose someone we love. We are confronted with questions that feel unanswerable.

“Why now?”
“Why this way?”
“What happens after death?”
“Why does it hurt so much?”
“How has this changed me?”

Jesus’ Followers Search for Meaning

When Dr. Wolfelt speaks about the incredible importance of the search for meaning, he says:

To heal in grief, we must explore these types of questions if we are to become reconciled to our grief. In fact, we must first ask these “why” questions to decide why we should go on living before we can ask ourselves how we will go on living. This does not mean we must find definitive answers, only that we need the opportunity to think (and feel) things through.

For followers of Jesus Christ all over the world, Easter answers the questions Jesus’ followers must have asked after his death. Jesus rose from the grave, conquered death, and made new life possible for those who believe he is who he says he is. For them, the search for meaning culminated in the most important event in Christian history.

Though many of their questions were answered and they found new joy and a mission for the future, the followers of Jesus still experienced loss. While Jesus was no longer dead, he did ascend to heaven, leaving them with instructions to spread his message of love near and far.

While they did have answers to why his death occurred and what they needed to do now, the followers of Jesus still had to work through the grief of losing the physical presence of a beloved friend. On many days, they must have said, “If only Jesus were here, he’d know what to do.” We experience the same thing in our own personal grief journeys.

Your Personal Search for Meaning

The search for meaning is a personal experience. It’s normal for two people to come to different conclusions as they work to make sense of the death. Each person must come to grips with the reality of death and ask, “How does this person’s death affect how I live my life?”

For some people, a search for meaning may result in championing a new cause in a loved one’s honor. Writing a book to share a deeply painful but poignantly inspirational story. Pushing away fear and grabbing onto the courage to pursue dreams. Finding renewed purpose to make positive changes. Whether it’s a big change or a small one, a loved one’s death can be a catalyst to deeper and more meaningful living.

So, this Easter, if you are mourning the loss of someone you love, don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions. Just as Jesus’ followers had to re-evaluate their own lives in the wake of Jesus’ ascension and removal to heaven, we, too, must come to grips with what life looks like now that a loved one’s life has moved from one of presence to one of memory. In time, if you do the work of grief, you will find a way to move forward and come to a place of healing and reconciliation.

To learn more about Dr. Wolfelt’s 6 needs of mourning, take a moment to read his informative article, The Journey Through Grief: The Six Needs of Mourning.

Feb 23

Love0

Shows grieving man sitting on bed as he pinches his brow

Can Grief Make You Forget Things?

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

Grief can have a profound impact on us – mentally, emotionally, physically, and psychologically. And as weird as it sounds, grief actually can make you forget things. Why is that? What’s going on, and how can you cope with the effects of brain fog brought on by grief?

What is Brain Fog?

If you’ve recently suffered the loss of a loved one, you may find that your brain isn’t quite as sharp as it usually is. You may experience memory loss, confusion, or an inability to concentrate. You might even feel a little worried about it. Have no fear – each of these experiences are normal reactions to grief.

Also called griever’s fog or trauma fog, brain fog is your brain’s response to a trauma you have experienced – the death of a loved one. While “trauma” feels like a heavy word, it’s appropriate. In big ways or small ways, your life has completely changed in an instant, and your brain hasn’t quite caught up to reality.

Brain fog looks different in different people, but here are a few examples of what you may experience:

Forget where you put things or what people told you
Miss appointments
Inability to remember if you’ve completed a task or eaten a meal
Feelings of restlessness, agitation, impatience, or confusion
Disorganized or unable to complete tasks
Fatigue and lack of initiative
Don’t enjoy the things you used to enjoy
Yearning for the person who has died

How Long Does Brain Fog Last?

The good news is that brain fog is most commonly temporary, but there’s no set or scientifically proven timeline. It varies from person to person. It may last just a few days, a few weeks, or possibly longer. For the vast majority of people, brain fog isn’t a long-term issue and will go away naturally.

However, for some, brain fog can become a symptom of complicated grief. When grief goes on for longer than normal and has a pronounced impact on a person’s quality of life, it may be related to complicated grief. For those dealing with this form of grief, the death becomes center stage in life and it’s impossible to resume normal life. The person seems stuck in a state of intense mourning.

If your brain fog seems to be getting worse or you are concerned about the onset of complicated grief, talk to your doctor about your concerns so you can start receiving the treatment you need to heal.

Why Does Brain Fog Happen?

The death of a loved one is a form of trauma, and your mind and body realize that. Your body releases stress hormones, and soon, those hormones begin to affect your sleep, immune system, and mood. In short, your body and mind are overwhelmed. Brain fog is your body’s natural response to so many heightened emotions and hormones. In a way, it’s a form of natural protection, dulling your senses while you work to process through what has happened. Once you’ve had time to process and grieve, your body slowly releases its hold, and brain fog recedes.

Many common reactions to loss – like shock, numbness, disorganization, confusion – are related to brain fog. But remember, brain fog is temporary, and as you begin to process your grief, you will see it decrease over time.

How Do I Help Myself Through Brain Fog?

The best thing you can do is actively engage with your feelings of grief. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor and educator who has walked alongside many people on the grief journey, says that the best way to do the work of grief is to open yourself to its presence and honor the pain you feel:

In many ways, and as strange as it may seem, what you need to do when you are grieving is to honor your pain. Honoring means recognizing the value of and respecting. It is not instinctive to see grief and the need to openly mourn as something to honor; yet the capacity to love requires the necessity to mourn. To honor your grief is not self-destructive or harmful, it is self-sustaining and life-giving!

To help you on your grief journey, check out these helpful resources:

Give Yourself Permission to Grieve

Grief & the Six Needs of Mourning

10 Helpful Tips When Grieving a Loss

10 Myths About Grieving You May Believe

Shows person using calendar and to-do list to remember things

It will take time to work through your loss and come to grips with what life looks like now. For the now, here are some practical ways you can help yourself through brain fog.

Keep a calendar
Set alerts/alarms
Make to-do lists
Focus on getting enough sleep
Reduce alcohol consumption
Do things when you think of them; don’t put them off
Give yourself regular breaks

Click here for even more tips and suggestions for dealing with brain fog.

Remember…You’re Not Crazy

No matter how long you deal with brain fog, remember that you aren’t crazy. You’re grieving. Your mind and body are still processing, and as disconcerting as it can be, it’s normal. Be patient with yourself. Do the work of grief. While life is going to look different moving forward, you can do this.

Feb 22

Love0

Shows a nurse caring for a female patient during a respite stay

The Ins and Outs of Hospice Respite Care

By christy.kessler Hospice

Caring for a terminally ill loved one is often equal parts rewarding and exhausting – physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are some amazing days where you make meaningful memories that will last a lifetime. Other days challenge you to the end of your endurance. To help caregivers stay balanced and prevent caregiver burnout, respite care is available to help.

What is Respite Care?

Respite care is short-term, in-patient care, designed to give family caregivers an occasional break to re-charge and rejuvenate. In many cases, Medicare benefits pay for patient transport and up to five (5) consecutive days of in-patient care at a Medicare-approved nursing home, hospital, or hospice facility. You can use respite care more than once, but only once during each benefit period. In case the term “benefit period” is unfamiliar, it refers to a 90-day period of care that your loved one can receive before they must re-certify that they are still eligible for hospice care.

Also, while many insurances (including Medicare) help cover this type of care, there may be a minimal cost to the family. Check with your insurance provider before entering into respite care.

Why Would I Request Respite Care?

Being a primary caregiver is an admirable undertaking. Caregiving takes strength, patience, and perseverance. It is not an easy task, and the demands on your time can pile up quickly.

With the challenges of caregiving, you might request respite care for many reasons, including:

Taking a Break

Caring for a dying loved one requires a lot of time, energy, and commitment. Over time, you may begin to experience “caregiver burnout” – physical and emotional exhaustion. With respite care, you can take a few days off to re-charge and care for yourself. This break provides an opportunity to rest and relax without worrying about the level of care your terminally ill loved one is receiving.

Focusing on Personal Health

Caregivers often neglect their own needs and are continuously giving their time, energy, and effort to caring for their dying loved one. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for family caregivers to experience depression, insomnia, changes in appetite, or become more susceptible to illness. Respite care gives you an opportunity to focus on your own health and wellness, so that you can come back with renewed energy.

Recovering from an Illness

Though this reason is similar to focusing on personal health, it’s more focused on sickness. If you catch a cold, the flu, or some other transmittable sickness, you definitely don’t want to pass that illness on to your terminally ill loved one. With respite care, you can take a few days to recover from your own sickness before returning to care for a loved one.

Attending Important Events

Life keeps moving forward, even when someone you love is dying. That means, there may still be weddings, graduations, or other events that you must attend. With respite care, caregivers can take a few days to attend these events without worrying about medical care.

Getting Increased Care for Your Loved One

Throughout the hospice journey, your loved one will experience ups and downs with their health. There will be times when their pain and symptom management is too much for you to handle on your own at home. During these times, you can request in-patient care where your loved one can receive the medical care they need for more severe symptoms.

Now that we’ve discussed a few reasons why you might request respite care, let’s talk about the benefits.

How Does the Caregiver Benefit from Respite Care?

For those who still aren’t sure about taking time away from a loved one, here are some of the biggest benefits caregivers see when they take advantage of respite care.

Improved sleep
Increased energy
Improved outlook
Reduced levels of stress and anxiety

Requesting respite care may feel like claiming a weakness or demonstrating that you don’t have what it takes to care for a loved one, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The reality is – what you’re doing is hard and exhausting. Knowing your limits and taking time to care for yourself is a good thing. It will give you the energy you need to provide better quality care for your loved one and be at your best when they need you most.

How Does the Patient Benefit from Respite Care?

While respite care may seem like it mostly benefits the caregiver, there are also many benefits to the patient, including:

Reduced guilt over their caregiver’s stress or anxiety; glad to give their caregiver a break
Increased social interaction opportunities
Improved relationship to caregiver; stress affects both the caregiver and the patient

It’s beautiful and good to receive care at home from a loved one, but at times, everyone needs a break. With respite care, both caregiver and patient can come back together more refreshed.

How Often Can I Request Respite Care?

With hospice care, there are benefit periods, and you can request this type of care once per benefit period. Under special circumstances, you might be able to receive additional respite care, but you will likely need supporting documentation to ensure the request is valid.

Every caregiver’s life comes with its challenges. If you just can’t provide the at-home care necessary for a dying loved one, consider looking into another living situation. Perhaps a different family member can step in to assist or you can look into care at a hospice facility or nursing home. To learn more about the options, go to “4 Places Where You Can Receive Hospice Care.”

But remember – to the hospice team, your loved one’s wishes always come first and supersede anything else. Be sure to discuss the options with your loved one before talking to the hospice team about any changes in location of care.

How Do I Request Respite Care?

If you’d like to request care, the best thing to do is talk to your hospice care team. They will help you prearrange dates for respite care and ensure that all the details are taken care of. If you aren’t sure when it would be a good time to be away, the hospice team can assess your loved one’s medical situation and give you guidance on timing.

Now that you understand the value of respite care – to both the caregiver and the patient – don’t be afraid to use this beneficial service for your well-being.

Jan 24

Love0

5 Self-Care Tips When You’re Grieving on Valentine’s Day

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

If you are grieving the loss of someone you love this Valentine’s Day, you may be tempted to push your feelings to the side and pretend that you’re just fine. Instead of doing that, why not take a little time to acknowledge your feelings and then do something kind for yourself? Grief is hard work, and Valentine’s Day can be about showing yourself a little love, too.

Here are a few self-care ideas to get you through Valentine’s Day (and may even make your day!).

1. Spend Time with Friends

Rather than sitting at home alone, make plans to fill your day with fun activities with friends. Whether that means grabbing dinner, seeing a movie, or inviting people over to chow down on your favorite snacks and watch movies, you can create a relaxing evening filled with laughter and joy. You may still have moments of sadness when you miss your loved one, and that’s okay. Your friends will be right there to love and support you through it.

2. Give Yourself a Gift

Who says you can’t give yourself a gift on Valentine’s Day? It doesn’t even have to be chocolate. Be kind to yourself and give yourself something you truly want. It takes time and intentionality to work through your grief, and you will need moments of joy to help you through. Whether you want books or craft supplies, dinner at a new restaurant you’ve been eyeing, a spa day, or 18 holes at the golf course, make this Valentine’s Day one of the good days by treating yourself right!

3. Take a Social Media Break

Social media can be disheartening and exhausting on a regular day. When you’re grieving on Valentine’s Day, seeing all the happy posts may not be what you need. Instead, take a break from social media to focus on real life. Talk with friends, read a good book, go out to your favorite local joint – basically, focus on making your own memories and creating an evening of positivity (not comparison).

4. Practice Gratitude

When you’re in the middle of the journey, it can be easy to get caught up in your own grief. Especially on special days – when you may feel out of sorts or down – it’s easy to sink into the mentality that there’s nothing going right in your life. By taking a few minutes to write down what you’re grateful for, you can re-center your eyes on the positives in your life. Another great way to help you focus outward (and not get caught in the spiral of inward focus) is volunteering. Choose an organization you’re passionate about and give your time and compassion to others.

5. Do Something that Helps You De-stress

During the grief journey, emotions can run high, and Valentine’s Day may be a trigger for you, especially if you’ve lost a significant other. To help you balance your sad feelings with positive experiences, consider doing something that will help you de-stress. This will differ from person to person – exercise, reading, crafting, golfing, movie watching, spending time with friends or family – but find something that will bring happiness to your heart even as you process through your grief.

If none of these suggestions appeal to you, that’s fine. Choose something that makes sense for your personality and lifestyle. The point is…take care of yourself this Valentine’s Day.

Grief takes time, and in some ways you will never “get over” your grief. Instead, you’ll learn how to live with it and make it part of your story. By intentionally adding positivity to your Valentine’s Day, you take much-needed steps toward normalcy as you move forward on the journey toward healing and reconciliation.

Jan 17

Love0

What to Expect at a Preplanning Appointment

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Plan Ahead

Did you know you can put your funeral wishes in writing in advance? That’s where a preplanning specialist can help! They specialize in sitting down with you (and your family, if you’d like) to listen to your wishes, review all the options, answer your questions, and help you put your preferences in writing.

If you’d like to learn more about planning ahead, check out “What is Advance Funeral Planning?” for a deeper look at why planning ahead can benefit both you and your family.

What to Expect at a Preplanning Appointment

During your chat, the preplanning specialist will listen to your thoughts and answer your questions. They will help you understand your options, so you can make plans that balance your own personal wishes with the emotional needs of your family. A few general topics will likely come up. Let’s review them.

1. Vital Statistics

The preplanning specialist will ask you for some specific vital statistics. After death, there are many documents that must be submitted to state and local authorities, and they each require certain information. With the vital information provided, the funeral director can obtain the necessary permits for burial or cremation, help prepare the obituary, and submit a request for a death certificate. And for veterans, the funeral director can use vital statistics to request military honors, if you wish.

When possible, consider bringing these vital statistics to your preplanning appointment:

Full legal name
Address
Race and gender
Date of birth
Social Security Number
Occupation (kind of business or industry)
Marital status
Spouse’s name (if applicable)
Maiden name (if applicable)
Father’s name
Mother’s maiden name
Education information
Armed Forces information (including DD-214)
Names of surviving spouse and family members

2. Funeral Preferences

As you might expect, your funeral preferences are going to be a topic of conversation during a preplanning appointment. Here are a few things you may discuss with the preplanning specialist as you determine what’s right for you and your family.

What type of final disposition do you want? (burial, cremation, anatomical donation, etc.)
What kind of service do you want?
Where do you want the service to take place?
If you prefer burial, have you already purchased a cemetery plot? If so, where?
Who would you like to take part in the service? For example, eulogists, pallbearers, etc.
Would you like a gathering for mourners after the service?

There will be more questions, of course, but these give you an idea of what to expect during your preplanning discussion. If you’d like a more in-depth guide, click on our Funeral Planning Checklist and start filling it out today. You can take the completed checklist to your preplanning appointment and discuss your selections with the preplanning specialist.

3. Personalization Preferences

Just as no two people are the same, no two funeral services should be the same. That’s where personalization preferences come in.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor and educator who has walked alongside thousands of people on the grief journey, tells us:

“Focus on what is really important—what is essential—about the funeral you are planning. What is essential is the life that was lived and the impact that life had on family and friends. To honor that unique life, the funeral must also be unique. Over and over families tell me that the best funerals are those that are personalized.”

Personalization is the key to creating a healing and meaningful experience that will meet the emotional needs of family and offer comfort throughout the grief journey. During your appointment, you can brainstorm personalization ideas with the preplanning specialist. They will offer ideas based on their own personal experience in the funeral profession.

To help you get a sense of what funeral personalization means, here are a few resources:

Why Does Funeral Personalization Matter?

7 Elements of a Healing and Meaningful Funeral

Practical Ways to Personalize the 7 Elements of a Funeral

The Core Elements of a Military Honors Funeral

4. Veterans’ Burial Benefits

If you are an honorably discharged veteran, the preplanning specialist will discuss the burial benefits you are eligible to receive. Dependents and survivors of veterans may also be eligible for VA benefits.

The main burial benefits available to veterans include (at no cost to your family; all benefits apply both burial and cremation):

Burial allowance
Interment at a national cemetery
Headstone or grave marker
Burial flag
Presidential Memorial Certificate
Military honors

If you aren’t familiar with what each of these benefits entails, you can read our “What Are My Burial Benefits as a Veteran” eBook here. Then, you can discuss your preferences with the preplanning specialist and ensure that your family gets access to all of the veterans’ burial benefits you’d like to receive.

5. Funding Options

While funding your funeral plans is not required, it’s worth considering. The preplanning specialist will likely discuss a prepaid funeral insurance policy. With a prepaid funeral insurance policy, you can protect your family from a financial burden and ensure that funeral funds are available immediately. Some people elect to use a life insurance policy or final expense plan to pay for funeral expenses, but both have a few drawbacks to consider. Your meeting with the preplanning specialist is an excellent time to ask questions about each of these options to help you decide what works best for your situation.

Here are some resources to help you:

Understanding Prepaid Funeral Insurance Policies

The Truth About Life Insurance and Funeral Expenses

Myth vs. Fact: The Truth About Final Expense Plans

10 Questions to Ask Before Your Prepay Your Funeral

What’s Next?

Now that you know more of what to expect, do a little brainstorming and research in advance of your preplanning appointment. If you choose not to, that’s okay, too. The preplanning specialist has experience with guiding families through each step of the process, and they won’t rush you.

One of the biggest benefits to planning ahead is that you can take your time to decide what makes the most sense for you. After everything is complete and your plan is in place, you and your loved ones will feel a sense of relief that everything is taken care of!

Jan 05

Love0

What’s the Difference Between a Funeral and Memorial Service?

By christy.kessler Cremation, Explore Options, Planning Tools

Have you ever planned a funeral or memorial service? If you haven’t, then you’re in good company. Most people haven’t. That’s why it’s not surprising that you may not know the difference between funeral and memorial services. But today, we’re going to break things down, and hopefully, clear things up.

“Funeral” as a General Term

First, let’s talk about the word “funeral.” Often, it’s used in two different ways.

The word “funeral” can be used in a general sense to refer to the entire process of taking care of the body after death including all associated services. So, “Our family is planning the funeral” could mean either a traditional service or a memorial service, burial or cremation, simple or elaborate. As a culture, we’ve used the word “funeral” for so long that no matter what kind of service it may be, we still use “funeral” in a general sense in our conversations.

However, there is a second meaning to the word that more directly applies to our topic today.

What’s the Difference Between a Funeral and Memorial Service?

At the risk of sounding anticlimactic, the difference between the two is quite simple: is the body present or not?

Funeral Service

At a funeral service, the body is present, often in a casket in a place of honor. Considered the traditional way of putting a loved one to rest in our culture, the funeral service often features common elements, such as the presence of a casket, religious rituals (if applicable), and post-funeral burial. They also tend to take place in certain traditional locations.

Memorial Service

At a memorial service, the body is not present, though there may be an urn or a portrait in a place of honor. The specific nature of a memorial service can vary on a case-by-case basis depending on the choices you make. In general, though, a memorial service is a ceremony that memorializes and honors the deceased without the body present (regardless of whether burial or cremation is chosen).

And that’s the main difference between the two. However, let’s go a little deeper.

What are My Service Options?

Most of the time, we associate a memorial service with cremation. However, did you know you can have a viewing, visitation, and traditional service with cremation? Funerals (general use, here) are becoming more and more customizable, so there are lots of options available.

Shows a young woman standing next to a casket with white lilies

Here are 3 basic types of services:

Traditional Service with Burial

Traditional burial may be what comes to mind when you first think “funeral.” A long-time practice, traditional burial typically includes a viewing or visitation, a funeral service (with body present), a graveside committal, and often, some sort of informal gathering following the conclusion of services. After services are concluded, the body is taken to a cemetery and buried according to the family’s wishes.

Traditional Service Before Cremation

Believe it or not, you can have a traditional ceremony, viewing, and/or visitation even if you select cremation. You can choose a private family viewing or a public visitation. You could even hold a full funeral with the body present using a rented ceremonial casket. After the services are concluded, the body will be taken to the crematory so that cremation can take place.

Memorial Service After Cremation

On the other hand, you can plan a memorial service where cremation takes place before the service. Most often, the family will place the urn or a portrait in a place of honor. If the family has elected to bury the urn, then there may be a committal service, but otherwise, it’s common to invite guests to an informal gathering (like a meal or reception) where they can share stories and memories.

No matter what type of service you select – funeral or memorial – the most important thing you can do is create a meaningful and healing event. With a personalized ceremony, you can give grieving loved ones a solid foundation by creating a special moment in time that can bring comfort and peace, allow everyone to say goodbye, and encourage each person to start the grief journey on the right foot.

Shows a woman placing flowers on a grave as a remembrance

After all, the funeral or memorial isn’t for the dead; it’s for the living. It’s a chance to share stories, to reminisce about the sweet memories, to cry, to give and receive support, and most of all, to express what’s deep in our hearts as we say goodbye.

Hopefully, you have a better understanding of the differences between funeral and memorial services as well as a general idea of the types of services that are available to you. There are other options – like natural burial or burial at sea or scattering – so make sure to talk with a reputable funeral home in your area. They can discuss all the options with you so that you can make decisions that balance your own personal wishes with the emotional needs of your family.

Dec 29

Love0

Shows couple talking to funeral professional about their funeral plans

What is Advance Funeral Planning?

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Plan Ahead

After the death of a loved one, surviving family members must often answer between 100 – 200 questions before any kind of funeral or memorial service can take place. What’s your loved one’s mother’s maiden name? What is their social security number? For veterans, do you have a copy of the DD-214? Needless to say, pulling together all the answers while grieving a recent loss can feel overwhelming. That’s why advance funeral planning is such a great idea.

What is Advance Funeral Planning?

In short, advance funeral planning is sitting down with a funeral professional to think through and write down (and possibly fund) your final wishes. Like a will, you can put your wishes in writing at any age. But what exactly does advance funeral planning do? Let’s dive into it a little more.

1. Advance Planning Gives Peace of Mind

Remember those 100 – 200 questions? By answering them ahead of time, you save your family from having to do it in the future. The first few days after a loss are hazy and can feel like a dark cloud has descended. Having to plan a funeral or memorial in the midst of all those emotions is hard. With advance funeral planning, you alleviate the burden that will fall on your loved ones to plan and pay for your funeral services. That’s a weight off your shoulders – and theirs!

2. Advance Planning Helps Prevent Family Disagreements

One of the biggest family tensions after the death of a loved one can happen when surviving family members disagree on service details, dates, and times. Some lean toward cremation; others burial. Some want a private service; others a public one. With advance funeral planning, they don’t have to guess what you want – they know. You can remove uncertainty and doubt, empowering your loved ones to make decisions with confidence.

3. Advance Planning Gives You Time to Create a Personalized Final Tribute

It’s difficult to plan a truly meaningful funeral in mere hours, especially when feelings of grief are so near the surface. Advance planning allows you to thoughtfully plan and prepare a funeral service (burial or cremation) that will fulfill your wishes and meet the emotional needs of your family and friends. A thoughtfully planned service is a healthy first step for your network of supporters on their individual grief journeys.

4. Advance Planning Saves Money

There are several ways advance planning helps your family save money in the long run.

Prevents emotional overspending

When your family doesn’t know what your wishes are, they may be tempted to seek “only the best” (i.e., most expensive) options and end up emotionally overspending. With advance planning, you can make your selections with a clear, rational mind rather than one affected by emotional strain. In this way, you control the ending cost and save your family money in the long run.

Protects against inflation

If you decide to prefund as well as preplan your funeral arrangements, many funeral homes will guarantee in writing that the funeral services and merchandise itemized on your contract will be covered by your prepaid funeral insurance policy at the time of death. A prepaid funeral policy grows over time and often covers all inflation costs.

Plus, if you have a prepaid funeral insurance policy, funds will become available for use immediately. If you rely on life insurance proceeds to pay for a service, it could be six to eight weeks before any funds become available to your family. That means your surviving family members will likely have to pay for the service out of pocket before the life insurance claim is paid out.

Helps you qualify for Medicaid coverage

If you anticipate that you will apply for Medicaid in the future, you can spend down your assets with a prepaid funeral plan. If you place your funeral funds into an irrevocable contract, then whatever funds you place in the contract will be considered exempt assets for Medicaid purposes. In this way, you help yourself qualify for Medicaid while ensuring that your money benefits your family. Click here to learn more.

How to Get Started

Now that you know what advance planning is and how it benefits both you and your family, the best next step is to talk with a preplanning specialist.

Once you select the funeral home you want to partner with (here are some tips for that), give them a call, send an email, connect on Facebook or just stop by their business. They will have a qualified funeral preplanning specialist on staff who will work with you to iron out all the details for your funeral wishes. They will educate you on all the options, so you can make informed decisions regarding your plans. And best of all, their assistance is free!

In many ways, the most loving thing we can do is take care of as much as possible in advance. The future may be uncertain, but with advance planning, you can make a difference in the lives of the people who matter most.