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Grief/Loss

May 15
Love0
Woman resting arms on her father's shoulders

Dealing With Grief on Father’s Day

By Exclude from Top Posts, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Grief is hard any day of the year, but the special and significant days can be some of the most difficult. For some, Father’s Day is one of those particularly painful days. Whether you are a child who has lost your father or a father who has lost your child, you may find yourself dreading the third Sunday in June. As Father’s Day approaches, here are a few suggestions to help you turn a rough day into an opportunity to honor your loved one’s memory in a special way.

Participate in a remembrance activity

Person sitting on couch at home, holding remote, with popcorn and a drink on a table in front

One way to process your emotions in a healthy way is to participate in a remembrance activity that reminds you of your father or child. Remembrance is an important part of the grieving process. By remembering, you forge a path forward in the work of grieving and pay tribute to your loved one. For example, you could watch a favorite movie, listen to a favorite song, or go to a favorite location. Father’s Day will still be difficult, but by engaging in a meaningful activity, you can give the day significance.

Make time for solitude

Woman sitting at home with a cup of tea and a book

In the busyness of the day, carve out time for peace and quiet. Your emotions may be closer to the surface and feel stronger than usual. If that’s the case, listen to your mental, emotional, and physical cues. Take a nap, sit alone, journal, go for a walk, or read. Take time to reflect on cherished memories and indulge in a moment of peace. You are going through a difficult and life-changing loss; give yourself extra grace and find moments to rest, relax, and release the stresses of the day.

Talk to someone about how you’re feeling

Father and son sitting on a couch in a bright room and talking

When life is hard, it’s important to surround yourself with people who love you and will support you. If you’re grieving the loss of a father or child, Father’s Day is going to bring out some strong emotions within you. Consider chatting with someone about what you’re feeling and share the load of your grief. If you don’t have anybody you can talk to, consider speaking with a grief therapist or joining a local grief support group. Having somebody listen and offer sympathy for your loss is enormously beneficial for your grief journey.

Write about your experience

Man sitting in bed and writing in a journal

For some, it’s easier to write than to talk because writing gives you extra time to organize your thoughts. If that’s you, pour out your feelings on paper or on the computer, and be honest about everything you’re feeling. In the end, you may want to keep your thoughts private and write only for the therapeutic value of expressing yourself. But if you feel up to it, share your written words with people who are close to you. Don’t worry about “bringing other people down.” Those who care about you want to know how you’re feeling.

Honor other fathers in your life

Father and adult son hugging each other

Do you have a mentor or a surrogate father in your life? Maybe it’s an uncle, grandfather, spiritual leader, coach, teacher, or family friend who stepped in and became like a father to you. Even something as simple as sending a thank you card or text can bring comfort and help you honor the men who stepped up in your life. Try thinking of all the “fathers” who have been there for you over the years and send each one a personal thank you sharing how much you appreciate their love, support, and words of wisdom.

Some Final Thoughts

Woman resting arms on her father's shoulders

For those who have lost a father

If you are missing your dad this Father’s Day, focus on what he meant to you and what you learned from him. You could take flowers to his final resting place. Write him a letter to share recent news or what’s on your heart. Select your favorite picture of him and create a custom blanket. There are so many ways that you can honor your dad’s memory.

On the other hand, if memories of your father are more negative, consider focusing on forgiveness. Write out the painful thoughts and memories that come to mind. Then, go through the list one by one, acknowledge how it makes you feel, and actively forgive your father’s role in that hurt. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what happened was okay; it means that you refuse to live under its shadow and want to release its power over you. The death of someone who hurt you doesn’t take away the hurt. You still need to work through the painful spoken words and memories for your own emotional wellness. And because hurt and trauma can be complex, it can take time to process it all, and you may want to work with a therapist who can help you navigate the journey.

Young father sitting on a couch, looking out the window and thinking

For those who have lost a child

If you are grieving the loss of a child this Father’s Day, focus on what your child brought to your life and how their presence impacted you. Visit their final resting place or write a letter to tell them how you feel about them, what you miss about them, and what your hopes and dreams were for them. Perhaps your entire family could sit down to share memories and support each other with hugs and kind words.

Also, after the loss of a child, many parents struggle with feelings of guilt or anger. If that’s you, you’re not alone, and it’s natural to feel this way. Whether you could have done something differently or not, it’s essential to work toward forgiving yourself. Read “Dealing with Guilt After Child Loss” to learn helpful information about experiencing parental guilt and how to navigate it.

Hopefully these suggestions will help you navigate your way through Father’s Day this year. And if any of these suggestions worked well for you, continue to do them throughout the year. While the grief of losing someone never fully goes away, you can learn how to move forward and take your precious loved one’s memory with you.

Apr 06
Love0

8 Simple Tips for Writing a Meaningful Condolence Letter

By Grief/Loss, Helping a Friend in Grief

Not sure what to say to comfort a grieving friend? You know you should say something, but the words aren’t coming to you. Perhaps you worry about saying the wrong thing and adding to their pain. Consider sending a handwritten condolence letter! With a few pointers, you can reach out and offer heartfelt, sincere, and meaningful words of sympathy. Let’s talk about it.

Ivory paper with pink envelopes and a small bouquet of white flowers

8 Simple Tips for Writing a Meaningful Condolence Letter

1. Say something

It’s human nature to avoid situations that feel difficult or uncomfortable. But just because something is uncomfortable does not mean it shouldn’t be done. Choosing not to say anything at all after a friend’s loss doesn’t help them and may unintentionally communicate that you don’t care. Instead, consider showing your love and support by picking up a pen to write them a condolence card.

2. Social media isn’t always enough

So many of us express condolences on social media (“I’m so sorry for your loss.” “I’m praying for you.”), but then we stop there. But think how much more meaningful it would be if you took time out of your day to specifically and intentionally write a condolence letter.

Condolences expressed on social media are all well and good, and they can be helpful. It’s an excellent way to express sympathy to someone you don’t know well. But for those you personally know and have a connection to, just think how much more care you will convey by taking the extra time to write a letter.

Ivory card resting in a olive green envelope

3. Handwrite it

By handwriting the letter, you add an extra level of personalization. You took the time to sit down and not only gather your thoughts, but also to write them out. How many people actually do that these days? Far fewer than in previous years. It can mean so much more to receive a handwritten note in the mail than a message on social media.

4. Keep it short(ish)

You don’t have to write a novel for your sympathy letter. In fact, it’s better if you keep it somewhat short and succinct, balanced with intentionality and compassion.

5. Make it personal

As much as possible, tailor your words to create a letter that is personal and specific. You could add words of encouragement, a quote, or a poem. If you knew the person who has died, share a positive story that you remember about them or a way they impacted you.

On the other hand, if you didn’t know the person who has died, mention that you know how much they meant to your grieving friend. Or you can recall things your friend told you about that special person (“I remember you told me…”). No matter how you say it, express your sorrow for their loss.

Pile of handmade cards

6. No comparisons

If you’ve lost a loved one, you know that it is hard, painful, and exhausting. But even though you can relate to someone’s grief, avoid comparing your grief to theirs. You may have both lost a mom, but you are two different people with unique relationships to your moms, which means your two grief journeys are going to look very different.

Instead, offer words of comfort without comparisons. Share a valuable lesson you’ve learned in your own grief journey while still acknowledging, “I know your loss is different from mine.”

7. Be real

Don’t be afraid to use words like “death,” “died,” or “die.” According to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a respected grief expert and counselor, acknowledging the reality of the death of a loved one is necessary to move forward in your grief journey. By being unafraid to use these terms, you participate in helping to acknowledge the reality of the loss.

8. Add a thoughtful action

These days, no matter where you live, you can do something thoughtful for a grieving friend.  If you live nearby, take a casserole over to the family. If you live further away, order flowers online. With the internet, there’s so much you can do even if you’re separated by distance. But remember, don’t offer anything you can’t deliver. Check out “Sympathy Gifts You Can Mail” and “10 Caring and Creative Sympathy Gifts” for a few ideas!

Person holding a folded piece of paper and envelope with pink flowers

Things to Avoid When Writing a Condolence Letter

Now that you know what to do, let’s touch on some things you should NOT do. In many cases, what you don’t say is just as important as what you do say. Here are a few pitfalls to avoid:

  • Sometimes the grieving person needs to tell their story, but you should always let them decide how much they want to share, especially regarding the circumstances of their loved one’s death. It’s not helpful to make the grieving person feel like you are looking for juicy gossip.
  • Refrain from saying anything negative about the person who has died. You may not have personally liked them, but for the purposes of a condolence letter, keep your opinions to yourself.
  • Avoid saying insensitive things like “You’re better off without them” or “Cheer up!” Every person needs to be allowed to grieve in their own way, not feel like they’re doing it wrong.
  • Don’t mention the will or the estate. If you are in line to inherit something, you will be contacted at the proper time. The condolence letter is not the right time.
  • Try to avoid clichés. For example, “It was just their time to go” or “They’re in a better place” are cliché phrases that don’t help. Instead, put your heart into the letter and be real and sincere.

White paper with beige envelope with pink and white flowers

With these tips up your sleeve, you will have an easier time writing a meaningful condolence letter. It will still take time, so make sure that you aren’t in a hurry when you sit down to write. Put together a draft first, let it sit for a while, and come back to see if there’s anything that needs adjusting. Once you feel good about the content, write it out in your best handwriting and place it in the mail. Your words may become the bright spot in your grieving friend’s day!

Apr 02
Love0
Two men drinking coffee and sitting on a bench in the park

6 Ways to Support a Friend Grieving Their Mom on Mother’s Day

By Grief/Loss, Helping a Friend in Grief

Though holidays like Mother’s Day are joyful for many, they can be especially difficult for those grieving the loss of a mother. If you have a friend who has lost their mom, their grief may become more evident as Mother’s Day approaches. You may wonder if there’s anything you can do to help. Thankfully, there are meaningful, helpful ways you can offer comfort during this time. If you’d like to show someone you care this Mother’s Day, here are some thoughtful actions to support your grieving friend.

1. Provide a safe space to talk

Woman with hand on man's shoulder, drinking coffee and talkingSometimes, the simple act of sitting and listening goes a long way. Set aside time on Mother’s Day to have a conversation with your friend. Make some tea at home, meet at a coffee shop, or go for a walk and ley them talk about their mom. Silence your phone and limit distractions so you can be fully present, actively listen, and create a safe space for your friend to share their feelings.

If you’re unable to be with your friend in person, consider calling to check on them. Also, remember that your friend may not want to talk specifically about their mom, as it may be painful. Encourage them to talk about whatever feels right to them so they can focus on healing. Your presence and willingness to listen can be both comforting and healing for your friend.

2. Send a note of encouragement

Close up of man's hands holding an envelopeAnother way to support a friend who has lost their mother is to send a note of encouragement on Mother’s Day. This small gesture shows your friend that you recognize Mother’s Day may be a difficult time for them and lets them know they are not alone. Mail a card, send an email, or text them just to let your friend know that you’re there to support them.

For example, you could say, “I know Mother’s Day can be an overwhelming time for you. Please know I’m thinking of you.” Or, if you knew their mother personally, consider sharing a memory or story that celebrates what made her special. You could write something like, “I loved the sound of your mom’s laugh. It was always such a joyful sound.”

Adding personal touches can remind your friend how cherished their mother was and offer comfort during a challenging day.

3. Give a meaningful gift to honor their mom

Pink flowers in a vase sitting on a tableGiving your friend a gift in remembrance of their mom is another meaningful gesture. Since flowers are often associated with Mother’s Day, consider taking them a bouquet or a houseplant to brighten their home.

If your friend would appreciate something long-lasting, consider a small trinket, such as a jewelry tray or a decorative item that serves as a daily reminder of how much their mom was loved and continues to be remembered. You might also consider something more customizable, such as a necklace or keepsake box with their mother’s name on it.

If you are unable to physically visit your grieving friend, you can mail a small sympathy gift to let them know they’re on your mind. A tangible token, no matter how small, can bring comfort and help honor their mother’s memory in a lasting way.

4. Share a comforting meal together

Two women having a meal out on a deck.If you and your friend like food (who doesn’t?), then a great way to comfort your friend is to enjoy a meal together. You might invite them to brunch on Mother’s Day, bake their mom’s signature cookies together, or even pick up takeout and eat it at a local park. This is a thoughtful way to ensure they aren’t alone and have company around Mother’s Day.

By spending time with your friend, you provide them with companionship during their time of loss. Sharing meals often encourages meaningful conversations, giving you a chance to ask questions and get a sense of how they are feeling. Encourage your friend to share favorite memories of their mom, and let them know they can talk about her any time they want to.

5. Visit a place that celebrates their mom’s memory

Two men drinking coffee and sitting on a bench in the parkAccompanying your friend to a place that reminds them of their mom is a thoughtful way to show you care. Maybe their mom had a favorite park, walking trail, or bookstore you could visit together. Sharing this moment with your friend may encourage them to visit again on their own when they feel ready. While you’re there, allow them to process being in a space their mom loved so much.

Another option, if your friend is open to it, is visiting their mother’s final resting place together. Keep in mind that this option can be an emotional experience and is often most appropriate if you share a very close relationship with your friend. Once you arrive, give your friend space and let them set the pace of the visit. Your steady presence can help make the experience less overwhelming and offer your friend much-needed support in a difficult moment.

6. Support a cause together

Close up of a group of people's legs all walking togetherVolunteering or supporting a meaningful cause with your friend can be a powerful way to bring comfort on Mother’s Day. If your friend’s mother battled an illness, you could sign up for an awareness walk or participate in a blood drive in her honor. This meaningful gesture shows your friend that you care about their family.

Alternatively, you could make a charitable donation to a cause in your friend’s mother’s name to show your support. Sharing one of these meaningful experiences with your friend is a wonderful way to celebrate their mom’s memory.

Hopefully, these ideas encourage you to reach out to a grieving friend on Mother’s Day. Remember, anything you choose to do is a sign of kindness and compassion. Whether you provide your friend comfort with food, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, know that your support will be deeply appreciated.

Apr 01
Love0
group of friends laughing and talking together over dinner

The Healing Power of Laughter in Grief

By Educational, Grief/Loss, Living Well

Like the ocean’s tides, grief ebbs and flows. Its waves are sometimes overwhelming, and sometimes they gently recede to make space for a brief return to joy and peace. It may feel like grief is taking away your happiness and perhaps even your sense of self as it washes over you. So, how can you stay afloat when grief rises and falls? What can you do to cope? Believe it or not, laughter is a proven way to cope with loss and can become an incredible tool in your grief toolkit.

two women laughing over coffee

Grief and Laughter Coexist

Human beings are complex and capable of feeling many different emotions at the same time. While it may seem contradictory, laughter and grief often coexist, even when loss is fresh. You may experience waves of sadness, nostalgia, and even unexpected happiness within moments of each other.

Research shows that humor is both a defense mechanism and a powerful tool for coping with difficult events. Have you ever felt the uncontrollable need to laugh when someone falls flat on their face? You are still concerned about whether the person hurt themselves, but you just can’t help but burst out laughing. As strange as it may be, that burst of laughter is helping you cope with the situation and move toward compassionate action. So, how can laughter support you during a season of grief? Let’s explore!

couple on the beach at sunset

The Benefits of Laughter

Physical Benefits

Grief places significant stress on your body, leading to elevated cortisol levels, muscle tension, and changes in appetite, all of which can wear you down over time. In contrast, laughter boosts your heart rate, making each heartbeat stronger and more efficient. It also boosts circulation, relaxes your muscles, and provides much-needed “micro breaks,” almost like coming up for air after being swept under the wave of grief.

Emotional Benefits

In addition to physical benefits, laughter also comes with emotional benefits. Did you know that laughter can soothe tension? When you laugh, your body releases dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which are natural mood boosters that can help you relax and reduce feelings of anxiety. Embracing moments of laughter is an act of self-care that helps you regain a sense of agency when life feels out of control. Overall, laughter can ease stress, depression, and anxiety, helping you feel happier, even in the most difficult seasons of life.

group walking along a beach

Social Benefits

Laughter shared with others activates the body’s relaxation response and facilitates meaningful connection. When you’re not up for a crowd, spending time with someone lighthearted or a small group can still deliver the mood-lifting benefits of laughter. For example, if you’re struggling after your loved one’s funeral or memorial service, try a “remember when” story swap. Recalling your loved one’s quirks, bloopers, and favorite jokes can shift the tone from somber to something more bittersweet.

Inviting Laughter into Your Life

During difficult times, healing can come from unexpected sources. That’s why it’s valuable to find gentle ways to invite laughter into your life. By allowing yourself moments of connection, comfort, and laughter, you create space for resilience and growth as you navigate the path toward feeling whole again.

people seated around a table laughing

The following suggestions offer ways to nurture yourself and invite moments of joy, even during times of sorrow.

  • Share a meal with a lighthearted friend and turn it into a comforting, weekly ritual. Sometimes, good company is as nourishing as good food.
  • Explore comedians who weave grief into their routines. Hearing others speak openly and humorously about loss can help break the silence around “taboo” topics and offer a sense of relief and validation.
  • Ask for funny book recommendations at your local library. It may surprise you, but even grief books have humor and can bring joy.
  • Spend more time with friends, family, children, or animals. These shared experiences can offer natural distractions and remind you of life’s more unscripted moments.
  • Clumsy puppies and sassy cats provide a dopamine boost when you’re spending time alone and want a little cheering up. Host or attend board game nights for low-pressure connections. Games provide a shared focus and open the door to spontaneous laughs that feel authentic and not orchestrated.
  • Dive into hobbies and activities that bring you joy or try something new! New projects can shift your focus from pain to creation and discovery, restoring a sense of agency when life feels out of your control.

elderly group hiking

These practical ideas can help you rediscover moments of humor and build safe spaces for healing. By embracing healthy distractions, you give yourself permission to process grief at your own pace, finding hope and support along the way.

Embracing Moments of Joy

As you move through grief, remember that actively seeking and allowing yourself moments of laughter is both natural and healing. The joy that comes from laughter can be the big breath of fresh air you need in the deep moments of grief.

When you’re in the middle of a good laugh, you might find yourself wondering, “What would [name] think or say right now?” You may even hear their laughter as they join in with you. What a sweet moment of connection in the ongoing process of grieving!

woman by the ocean

No matter what, remember that your loved one would want you to find joy again, even as you move through grief. Allowing yourself moments of laughter and happiness doesn’t mean forgetting. Instead, it can honor your loved one’s memory and serve as a gentle reminder to seek out moments of healing joy throughout a season of grief.

Mar 11
Love0
A caretaker applauding a kid while they paint outside

How to Support Your Grieving Child During Easter

By Children, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Easter is a time for celebration and renewal, but for children who have lost a loved one, it can feel different. They might feel out of sorts and not want to participate in Easter activities like egg hunts or visiting the Easter Bunny.

A child looking out the window thoughtfully

As a caregiver, you want to support and uplift your child during this difficult time. However, it can be challenging to navigate deep topics and emotions with a grieving child. They’re still developing as a person, which means they likely aren’t in touch with their emotions. That’s why children need a guiding hand to develop healthy coping skills.

Whether your child has lost a relative or a close friend, let’s discuss a few gentle guidelines that can help you support your grieving child during the Easter season.

Understand That Children Grieve Differently

A parent comforting their kid while they cry

Grief looks different for everyone, and it isn’t an easy concept to understand, especially for children. Nationally respected grief counselor and educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt says, “In life, everyone grieves. But their grief journeys are never the same. Despite what you may hear, you will do the work of mourning in your own special way.”

There are many signs of grief that can show up at different ages and developmental stages, but they’re all normal. For example, your child may not be as excited about Easter activities this year. Or maybe your child is in denial that their loved one is gone and is closing themselves off from others. If your child is exhibiting natural grieving behaviors, try not to worry too much. Grief takes time.

If you’ve ever lost a loved one, then you’ll understand how complicated feelings and behaviors can get. To foster a healthy grief journey, encourage your child to talk about their feelings and create opportunities for them to come to you.

Provide a Compassionate Space

A parent talking to their stressed child

While everyone around them may be celebrating Easter, your child needs a safe space to express their grief, and that space can be you. Even if your child is not initially receptive, continually remind them that you’re available to support them.

In some ways, being a supportive space won’t be easy; your child could be happily decorating eggs one moment and crying the next. Create a space for grace and understanding, but don’t allow your child to push your boundaries. Even when someone is grieving, it doesn’t excuse breaking the rules or mistreating those around them.

As your child’s safe space, you can provide opportunities for them to express themselves. For example, open conversations and journaling can create a sense of structure and foster positive expression. Reading a book and drinking a warm beverage can emphasize the safety of your child’s home surroundings. All of these things remind children that home is a safe place to grieve. And if your child seeks out time alone, don’t be afraid to give it to them. Children of every age experience a range of emotions, and these feelings can be overwhelming if they don’t have a healthy outlet.

Modify an Easter Tradition

A kid picking up Easter eggs

Easter celebrations usually include fun activities like opening baskets and dressing up, but your child’s excitement may look different. Enjoying the holidays without a loved one can be challenging, but with a little effort, you can update your traditions to help your child grieve and honor their loved one’s memory!

If the loved one enjoyed a specific candy, you could include it in the eggs for an Easter egg hunt. Or, if your child loved painting or dyeing eggs with the person who has died, you could gather the supplies and do the activity with your child yourself.

As your child does these activities, they can remind them that their loved one is still present in their daily life – even if they’re not physically there. These special moments help honor their loved one’s memory, soothe the ache of their loss, and learn healthy grieving skills.

Encourage Outdoor Activity

A field of tulips in a park

Grief can make it easy to fall into a pattern of staying inside, but going outside can help your child immensely. Thankfully, Easter often lands in early spring, which means warmer temperatures, plants growing, and more time spent outside.

There are many ways you can use the outdoors to help your child. Take the opportunity to plant their loved one’s favorite tree or flower as an act of remembrance. Visit their loved one’s final resting place and let your child talk about school, memories, or whatever they want. Or to help your child expend any emotional energy, take a walk or play at the playground. These activities can help your child release their emotions in a healthy manner.

A caretaker applauding a kid while they paint outside

As a caregiver, you want nothing more for your child than for them to be happy during the Easter holiday. Grief isn’t easy, and it takes time and intentional effort to process. While you cannot heal your child’s grief, you can make Easter feel easier by implementing these compassionate guidelines and practices. Showing that you care will make all the difference to your child as they navigate the challenging emotions that accompany grief.

As you create a plan to support your grieving child this Easter, take a look at these additional resources and decide how best to love on your child during their time of grief:

6 Ways to Honor a Loved One’s Memory at Easter – Funeral Basics

10 Ways to Support a Grieving Child During the Holidays – Funeral Basics

7 Tips for Teaching Your Child How to Process Grief – Funeral Basics

10 Story Books on Grief for Children Ages 3-12 – Funeral Basics

Feb 27
Love0
Man slouched over with someone's hand on his shoulder offering support.

Navigating Behavioral Changes After Loss

By Educational, Grief/Loss

After losing a loved one, many aspects of your life may shift and change. Your daily interactions with others, hobbies, and interests may suddenly look different, leaving you feeling disoriented and uncertain. At times, your body and emotions may feel like they have a mind of their own. In addition to physical and emotional changes, you may also experience behavioral changes. To help you and your loved ones navigate any unexpected behavioral shifts, let’s discuss what you might experience and how you can overcome these changes.

Elderly man looking off into the distance, and sitting on the couch while leaning on his cane.

What are Behavioral Changes?

To start, let’s define “behavioral changes.” Behavioral changes involve replacing old habits or patterns with new ones in response to a situation, such as the death of a loved one. Depending on the person, some changes may be short-lived while others linger on. But either way, always remember that behavioral changes are normal as you learn how to navigate life without your loved one.

Common Behavioral Changes

Next, let’s talk about some common behavioral changes you might experience after losing a loved one. When you know what to expect, you can adapt and adjust more easily to the changes.

Lashing out

Woman with hand on her forehead, looking upset, while another woman stands beside her, frustrated.Following the loss of a loved one, there may be days when you feel especially upset or angry because that special person is gone. With these strong emotions at the forefront, it can be challenging to focus on the other relationships in your life. On these days, you may feel tempted to lash out at the people around you, even if they are also grieving.

For example, because you may become triggered or upset more easily, you might find that you are more short-tempered with your spouse, kids, parents, or friends or have less patience than you typically do. In that instance, remind yourself that those around you are also experiencing loss and big emotions. They may also be feeling triggered and upset, just like you.

If you feel close to lashing out, remind yourself to breathe and remember that you will get through this. Take it one day at a time and allow yourself breaks and alone time when needed.

Avoiding people or social situations

Woman with sad expression, another woman comforting her.Without your loved one by your side, it might be exhausting to think about attending social gatherings or events. On top of that, it can be difficult to see others celebrating when you are grieving. As a result, you may find yourself avoiding social situations entirely.

Perhaps a friend and your lost loved one share the same birthday, so you aren’t sure if you want to attend the birthday brunch. It’s okay to skip the event if you need to focus on healing instead. One day, you will enjoy events again, but it’s okay to say no right now.

It’s natural and normal to want to be alone in your grief at times. Just be sure you don’t keep friends and family at a distance in the long term. After all, they care about you and want to help you during this difficult time.

Decreasing interest in activities

Elderly man sitting on couch and holding a remote.After losing a loved one, there may be times when it is challenging to participate in the activities you usually enjoy. That’s okay! A decrease in activities is normal as you figure out life after loss.

The book club, pottery class, or daily walks that usually bring you joy might begin to feel daunting. If an activity suddenly feels unenjoyable, it is okay to take a break and try again later. Over time, you can pick up the activities again, and they may become a healthy way to express your emotions during your grief journey.

As you adjust, remember to be kind to yourself and know that your interest in activities should return in time. However, if you don’t go back to those classes or clubs, that’s okay, too. You might discover new hobbies or interests while on your path to healing.

Feeling the need to make huge life decisions

Close up of hands holding a pen and signing a document.Because losing a loved one causes a significant change in your life, you may feel the overwhelming need to adjust other parts of your life to help you cope.

You may decide that it’s time to move, especially if you shared a home with your loved one and it’s now painful to stay there. Or perhaps you’ve lost a dear colleague, and you now have a strong urge to leave your job and start over somewhere new.

Before making any life-altering decisions, remind yourself that you are grieving and thoughtfully consider whether the decision will be helpful long term. Is the decision a logical one or a result of your grief? Not all big decisions are bad, but it’s important to be sure you are making them for the right reasons.

Ways to Overcome Behavioral Changes

While these behaviors may feel discouraging, the good news is that there are positive, healthy ways to cope with and overcome them. The following suggestions offer various outlets that will help after losing a loved one.

Take care of yourself

Elderly woman walking on a path with trees in the background.After a loss, make sure that you are eating well, sleeping, and getting some form of daily exercise to help improve your mental and physical well-being. Grief can affect even the most basic daily routines, so it’s important to ensure that you don’t forget to shower, brush your teeth, and change clothes every day. Although taking care of yourself may feel difficult while you are grieving, self-care is essential for your health.

Create a daily routine

Woman laying in bed and stretching with alarm clock on the table.Creating and sticking to a daily routine can help you ground yourself and find your new normal. Getting out of bed and making breakfast is a great start. Try to go for a walk, attend a workout class, or fit some form of exercise into your day. Having a familiar routine and knowing what to expect each day can give you a sense of control, even as you feel a little out of control after losing your loved one.

Find a support system

Man slouched over with someone's hand on his shoulder.Establishing a support system is a great way to get the physical help and emotional care you need during a time of loss. You can find a grief support group and chat with others who understand what you are going through. If a group setting is a bit overwhelming or just not your thing, reach out to a grief therapist. By connecting with others, you can share the load of your grief with people who care.

Identify positive outlets for your grief

Close up of shoes walking on a path.In order to heal, you need to find a way to express your grief. When you have the energy (it may not be right away), look for positive outlets to help you release your emotions and anything that may be pent-up inside you. For example, you could take a boxing class, go for a run, write in your journal, read poetry, or color as a way to process your grief. Adding a few relaxing hobbies and activities to your routine can be a productive way to move toward healing.

Visit your loved one’s final resting place

Monuments with color flowers.Visiting your loved one’s final resting place can be a cathartic step in your healing journey. For some, it may feel normal to visit a loved one’s final resting place as often as possible because it brings comfort. For others, visiting may feel uncomfortable, unnecessary, or even pointless at first. But consider giving it a try, either now or in the future. Spending time at your loved one’s resting place can be a healing experience and bring you closure.

Hopefully, you now have a better understanding of some of the most common behavioral changes to expect after a loss and how to deal with them when they come. But in addition to these changes, you may experience other behavioral shifts, and that’s okay. Every grief journey is different, so pay attention to your personal triggers and any new behaviors. And if you’d like help on the grief journey, reach out to a therapist in your area. They can help you build coping skills and learn how to navigate any behavioral changes you may experience.

No matter what, give yourself kindness and grace as you learn to navigate life without your loved one by your side. You have experienced a major loss, and unwanted changes have come into your life. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way, at your own pace, and in your own time.

Feb 24
Love0
Woman reviewing notifications on social media

Tips for Writing a Memorial Post on Social Media

By Educational, Grief/Loss, Memorial

When you’re grieving, remembrance and expression are an essential part of the healing process. You need time to sit with your memories, turn them over in your mind, and process them. And as you review each memory, lean into how it makes you feel and express what’s going on in your mind and heart.

One way to meet both needs (remembrance and expression) is to create a memorial post for social media. As you craft a memorial post (either before or any time after the funeral), you can look back on your loved one’s life (remembrance) and put what you’re thinking and feeling into words (expression). In many ways, the process can be incredibly cathartic and help you get things that are whirling around in your heart and mind outside of yourself in a healthy way. But how do you write a memorial post for social media? Let’s talk about it.

Woman sitting at table with computer and smartphone, looking at social media notifications

Why Post on Social Media?

For most of us, social media has become a normal, everyday part of our lives. While social media comes with its positives and negatives, it is an excellent way to connect with others quickly and easily. By publishing a memorial post on social media, you:

  • Honor your loved one’s life and memory publicly
  • Express what’s on your heart and mind
  • Reflect on the meaningful moments you experienced with your loved one
  • Invite others to remember your loved one’s life alongside you
  • Receive love and support from others
  • Encourage others to reflect on their own grief in a healthy way

Grief is a universal experience. Every person on this planet knows what it is to experience grief and loss. By creating a memorial post, you acknowledge that collective experience and open the door to compassion, reflection, and eventually, healing.

5 Tips for Writing a Memorial Post on Social Media

So, how do you get started? Here are 5 simple tips for writing a memorial post, but remember, these are guidelines, not rules.

Woman taking a smartphone picture of a man holding colorful planters

1. Select a Meaningful Image, Video, Song, or Quote

Perhaps the easiest place to start is with choosing a meaningful image, video, song, or quote. You can then use this chosen media to inspire what you write in the post. Plus, a visual can enhance the post by adding a layer of connection and evoke emotions and memories.

You could choose a photo that means a lot to you or one that captures a milestone event in your life or your loved one’s life. By using a video, your loved one’s physical presence and vitality add a dynamic element to the post. Alternatively, you could include a meaningful quote or share a song that brings tears to your eyes and memories to your heart.

Man in orange shirt typing on laptop

2. Write from the Heart

When writing a memorial post, it’s okay to let your emotions guide you. Because the intention of a memorial post is to reflect on memories, use sincere and heartfelt language as you express your grief and share the story behind meaningful moments. Feel free to talk about how difficult it has been without that special person and how much you miss them.

However, a few tips on what not to include: it’s best to stay respectful, avoid controversial topics, and refrain from sharing traumatic details about the death. Also, if you are posting about a non-family member, be mindful of the family’s privacy and don’t reveal details that are meant to remain private.

Woman sitting on yellow couch and interacting with phone and social media

3. Add Personal Touches

As you write, consider adding personal touches to the post. You could share a specific memory, talk about a shared experience, or discuss your loved one’s unique quirks. Talk about their love of music or pop culture or 8-track tapes or the color yellow.

If you’ve included a video with the post, give some context and share why it means so much to you. You can also do this with photos, memes, GIFs, or songs. As you add personal details to your memorial post, you not only express your own sentiments and feelings, but you also transform a general tribute into a unique portrait of your loved one’s life.

Old theatre marquee

4. Include a Call to Action (Optional)

It’s possible that your post may serve two purposes: honoring your loved one’s life and promoting a cause or event. Perhaps your loved one was deeply involved in the local theatre scene, and there’s a new play opening this weekend. You could share a memory about going to plays with your loved one and encourage everyone to go enjoy the newest production!

In a case like this, you can include a call to action. For example, “I’m going out to support the theatre this weekend to honor Dad! I hope to see you there.” Alternatively, you can share a loved one’s final tribute details or highlight their favorite non-profit. No matter what the cause or event, you can create a sense of community and support by inviting others to join in.

Young man reading and editing a post on his phone

5. Think, Review, and Revise

No matter what you’re writing (academic paper, email, social media comment, etc.), always take time to think, review, and revise.

  • Stop to think about what you’ve written. Does it say what you want to say? Does it hit the tone and purpose you’re going for? Is what you’ve said going to hurt any family or friends who are grieving?
  • Review each word you’ve written. Are you clear and concise? Are there any grammatical errors or misspellings? Did you forget to add any necessary details?
  • And finally, if you see something you want to change, revise it right away.

Two easy proofreading hacks are reading it aloud and asking someone else to review it. When you read it aloud, anything that’s off will often rise to the surface. Did everything make sense to you? Did you trip over any wording or feel like the phrasing was awkward? And when you ask a friend to read your post, they may see something you didn’t. Once the post is fully reviewed, make edits as needed. Once you’re happy with it, it’s time to post!

Woman reviewing notifications on social media

What Happens After You Post?

Once your memorial post is live, people may post comments on it. These comments are likely to be supportive and kind, sharing in your grief. If you wish, you can react or reply to comments and talk more about the loss. But if you simply want to read the comments and not go any further, that’s okay, too. Also, some people are unkind or simply oblivious, so if you see a rude or inappropriate comment, you can either ignore it or delete it. This is your memorial post, and you can curate it however you want.

Also, it’s unlikely, but it’s possible that someone may post a rude or inappropriate comment. Decide now how you will respond if that happens. The simplest responses are to either ignore the comment or delete it. This is your memorial post, and you can do what you want with it. Just because someone makes a comment doesn’t mean you have to keep it.

Writing a memorial post is a beautiful way to celebrate a person’s life and the impact they had on others. Whether you’re crafting a tribute for a beloved family member, a cherished friend, or a respected colleague, the process requires sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and a touch of creativity. May these simple tips help you create a loving post that honors that special person and brings comfort to your heart and peace to your soul.

Jan 19
Love0

10 Mourning Rights of a Grieving Spouse

By Grief/Loss

Losing a spouse can feel like losing an essential part of yourself. The two of you were a team, doing all the ups and downs of life together. Now, you find yourself facing life alone, and you don’t remember how to do it on your own. Some days, you may even feel like you’re going crazy. But you’re not crazy – you’re grieving.

While the grief journey is about saying goodbye and moving forward, it’s also about honoring the love you shared, reflecting on the memories you made, and finding a new place in your heart for your spouse’s presence.

As you walk through the heartbreaking loss of a spouse, remember these things:

Sad woman with blue eyes sitting on couch and looking into the distance

1. You have the right to your own unique grief

Every person grieves in their own way, and you have the right to experience your grief differently than the people around you. While you are grieving a spouse, other family members may be going through the loss of a parent or child. For example, if one or both of your spouse’s parents are still living, you are both grieving the same person but very different losses.

It’s possible that other family members may expect you to react to the loss of a spouse in a certain way. Try not to conform your needs to their expectations. Instead, be real about what you need and compassionately communicate those needs when appropriate.

Two women hugging, comforting each other after a loss

2. You have the right to talk about your feelings

Many people grow up learning that it’s better to conceal emotions (and admittedly, some places aren’t appropriate for emotional outbursts), but most of the time, it’s healthy to express what you’re feeling. And one of the most tried and true ways to express what you’re thinking and feeling is through talking.

Talking about your spouse may be painful at first. If it’s easier, you can start by writing down what you’re thinking and feeling. Once you are comfortable with that, you can move to speaking with trusted family and friends who are ready to hear what you have to say. The biggest thing is to express what’s going on in your heart and get those big feelings out in the open, not trapped inside you.

Man looking out with window with a thoughtful look on his face

3. You have the right to feel the way you feel

After a loss, it’s common to feel a wide range of emotions. Shock, denial, confusion, yearning, guilt, sadness, or depression, to name a few. All of these reactions are normal. And if you’ve just lost your soulmate, these feelings may be more intense than anything you’ve felt before. But remember – it’s normal.

Try to embrace what you’re feeling, but when you can, do it in small doses. For example, when you’re busy but feel the grief rising, allow yourself to engage with your emotions for 10 minutes. Go to a quiet place and cry, scream, kick, do whatever you need to do (as long as you don’t harm yourself or others). After 10 minutes, take a deep breath, and go back to what you were doing. It’s going to take time and many such moments of grief to process this deep loss.

Tired woman lying on a bed with her arms crossed over her eyes

4. You have the right to be tired

Grief is hard work, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. You may find yourself feeling simply exhausted at the end of the day. And at night, your bed may feel less welcoming because that special person is no longer there. Some people even experience physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, and weight loss or gain after losing a loved one.

Please know – this is a natural reaction. Your body is in distress, the same as your mind and heart. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Rest every day. Eat balanced meals. Be kind to yourself as you grieve the loss of your spouse and figure out how to move forward.

Mature woman lying on bed with her hand resting on a photo of her late husband

5. You have the right to experience “grief bursts”

At times, the feelings of grief are going to appear suddenly and overwhelmingly. This is called a “grief burst.” It could be triggered by many things. You walk past the perfume counter and breathe in your wife’s preferred scent. You burst into tears while cooking dinner because he was the best chef ever. You wake up and say “good morning” before you remember no one is there.

So many small moments could trigger a grief burst. The powerful surge of emotion can be scary, but it’s normal and natural. When these bursts happen, honor and acknowledge them; don’t suppress them. Let yourself cry. Write down what’s going through your mind. Or call someone you trust and talk with them through the grief burst.

Mature man visiting a spouse's grave with flowers

6. You have the right to engage in healing actions

Sometimes, in order to heal, you will need to do more than talk – you need to act. And as you put your grief into motion, you engage with your feelings and begin to process them in a healthy way. But what are “healing actions”?

Get coffee with someone and share a few cherished memories about your spouse. Mark your spouse’s birthday in a special way. Volunteer at their favorite organization. Talk about your lost spouse with family, friends, and your children. Write to your spouse and catch them up on everyone’s news. Visit their final resting place to chat for a little bit.

These are all acts of mourning – the outward expression of your internal grief. As hard as it is to believe, as you do the work of grief and participate in healing actions, you will find a way to move forward. You will never forget your spouse – nor should you – but you can find the path toward healing and discover a good life you didn’t know could exist.

Woman in green sweater holding rosary beads

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality

If you are a person of faith, your beliefs are either sustaining you or it’s all feeling a little shaky. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. The loss of a spouse can unbalance your entire world.

If you are a person of faith, surround yourself with people who understand and support your religious beliefs. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings. Pray. Meditate. Journal. Share what you’re feeling with God; he’s big enough and loving enough to accept and understand whatever you’re feeling, even if it’s anger toward him.

8. You have the right to take your time

Whether you’ve been married for 6 months or 60 years, take all the time you need to grieve your loss. You may have a well-meaning friend or family member who’s encouraging you to “move on” because “enough time has passed.” You can politely ignore them because, in truth, there’s no rush, no timeline, and no expiration date on grief. It takes the time it takes.

Ultimately, the journey toward reconciliation – learning how to move forward after a loss – often depends on the type of loss and the depth of the relationship. With a spouse, a soulmate, the process can take longer than with other types of loss. After all, your spouse was with you every day, the person who knew you best, inside and out. That type of relationship comes with deep love and appreciation and deserves to be fully mourned.

Grandfather showing photos to grandson and sharing memories of spouse

9. You have the right to treasure your memories

Think back on your cherished memories. The moment you met your spouse. The first time you knew you wanted to marry them. The meaningful moments you shared, from the wedding day to having children, decorating your first home, or traveling together. You have some very special memories that no one else has, and they are very precious.

So, what could you do to treasure your spouse’s memory? You could collect keepsakes – photos, favorite items, something special between you and your spouse, etc. Have a piece of jewelry made to wear in remembrance. Start a tradition that brings you comfort. Bake their favorite Christmas treat every year. There are so many ways that you can remember and treasure the memories. Simply choose the ones that speak to you.

Man and dog talking a peaceful walk in park

10.  You have the right to grieve and to heal

No matter what your feelings or other people may be telling you right now, remember that you do have the right to grieve and to heal.

Nationally respected grief author and educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt tells us that, in many ways, we never truly “get over” a death; instead, we learn to reconcile ourselves to the loss. He states, “Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future…. The unfolding of this journey is not intended to create a return to an ‘old normal’ but the discovery of a ‘new normal.’”

The journey ahead is not going to be easy. The loss you’ve suffered is significant and heartbreaking. As you grapple with the loss, grieve in whatever way you need so that you and your family can find healing, peace, and reconciliation.

*Adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.

Dec 31
Love0
Senior man sitting in a chair with a loved one's arms wrapped around his shoulders

The Capacity to Love: The Reason We Grieve

By Grief/Loss

“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy, but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving…the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.”   – Henri Nouwen

“All you need is love,” famously sang the Beatles. I couldn’t agree more. We come into the world yearning to give and receive love. Authentic love is God’s greatest gift to us as human beings. Love is the one human experience that invites us to feel beautifully connected and forces us to acknowledge that meaning and purpose are anchored not in isolation and aloneness, but in union and togetherness.

Father and son laughing together

What higher purpose is there in life but to give and receive love? Love is the essence of a life of abundance and joy. No matter what life brings our way, love is our highest goal, our passionate quest. Yes, we have a tremendous need for love – love that captures our hearts and nourishes our spirits.

In fact, our capacity to give and receive love is what ultimately defines us. Nothing we have “accomplished” in our lifetime matters as much as the way we have loved one another.

Yet love inevitably leads to grief. You see, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not – and cannot – exist without the other. People sometimes say that grief is the price we pay for the joy of having loved. This also means that grief is not a universal experience. Grief is predicated on our capacity to give and receive love. Some people choose not to love, and so, never grieve. If we allow ourselves the grace that comes with love, however, we must allow ourselves the grace that is required to mourn.

Middle-aged woman sitting quietly at home in an armchair

The experience of grief is only felt when someone of great value, purpose, and meaning has been a part of your life. To mourn your loss is required if you are to befriend the love you have been granted. To honor your grief is not self-destructive or harmful, it is life-sustaining and life-giving, and it ultimately leads you back to love again. In this way, love is both the cause and the antidote. Just as our greatest gift from God is our capacity to give and receive love, it is a great gift that we can openly mourn our life losses.

It is important to understand that grief and mourning are not the same thing, however. Grief is the constellation of thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. We can think of it as the container. It holds our thoughts, feelings, and image of our experience when someone we love dies. In other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss. Mourning is taking the grief we have on the inside and expressing it outside of ourselves.

Senior man sitting in a chair with a loved one's arms wrapped around his shoulders

Making the choice not just to grieve, but to authentically mourn, provides us the courage to live through the pain of loss and be transformed by it. How ironic that to ultimately go on to live well and love well we must allow ourselves to mourn well. You have loved from the outside in, and now you must learn to mourn from the inside out.

About the Author:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a noted author, educator, grief counselor. Dr. Wolfelt believes that meaningful funeral experiences help families and friends support one another, embrace their feelings, and embark on the journey to healing and transcendence. Recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s Death Educator Award, Dr. Wolfelt presents workshops across the world to grieving families, funeral home staffs, and other caregivers. He also teaches training courses for bereavement caregivers at the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, where he serves as Director. Dr. Wolfelt is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. He is also the author of many bestselling books, including Understanding Your Grief, The Mourner’s Book of Hope, Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies, and The Paradoxes of Grief: Healing Your Grief With Three Forgotten Truths, upon which this series is based. For more information, visit www.centerforloss.com

Printed by permission of Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, all rights reserved.

Dec 30
Love0
Grandmother and granddaughter sitting on couch and hugging with smiles on their faces

Love and Grief: Living as You Were Meant to Live

By Grief/Loss

“We are all mirrors unto one another. Look into me and you will find something or yourself as I will of you.”  – Walter Rinder

Love is a sacred partnership of communion with another human being. You take each other in, and even when you are apart, you are together. Wherever you go, you carry the person inside you. Communion means the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially on a spiritual level. When two people love one another, they are connected. They are entwined.

Grandmother and granddaughter sitting on couch and hugging with smiles on their faces

Communion of Lives

The word “communion” comes from the Old French comuner, which means “to hold in common.” Note that this is different than “to have in common.” You may have very little in common with another person, yet love them wholeheartedly. Instead, you hold things in common – that is, you consciously choose to share one another’s lives, hopes, and dreams. You hold her heart, and she holds yours.

This experience of taking another person inside your heart is beyond definition and defies analysis. It is part of the mystery of love. Love has its own way with us. It knocks on our hearts and invites itself in. It cannot be seen, but we realize it has hap­pened. It cannot be touched, yet we feel it.

Communion of Grief

When someone we love dies, then, we feel a gaping hole inside us. I have compan­ioned hundreds of mourners who have said to me, “When she died, I felt like part of me died, too.” In what can feel like a very physical sense, something that was inside us now seems missing. We don’t mourn those who die from the outside in; we mourn them from the inside out.

The absence of the person you love wounds your spirit, creates downward movement in your psyche, and transforms your heart. Yet even though you feel there is now a hole inside you, you will also come to know (if you haven’t already) that those you love continue to live on in your heart. You remain in communion with those you love forever and are inextricably connected to them for eternity.

Man and woman grieving together and holding a single pink rose

Yes, you will grieve the person’s absence and need to express your feelings of grief. You must mourn. You must commune with your grief and take it into your heart, embracing your many thoughts and feel­ings. When you allow yourself to fully mourn, over time and with the support of others who care about you, you will come to find that the person you lost does indeed still live inside you.

Love abides in communion – during life and after death. And mourning is com­munion with your grief. With communion comes understanding, meaning, and a life of richness.

Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts

”Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.”  – Marcus Aurelius

When you love another person, it can feel like one plus one equals three.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” Love is like that. Two people can come together and form a partnership that enables each person to be “more” in so many ways.

Here’s another way to think about this idea: Love is like an orchestra. You may be a clarinet – a strong, fine wind instrument all by yourself. But when you surround yourself with other instruments, each of which does the work of carrying its own part and practicing its own music, to­gether as a group you can blow the doors off the place.

I much prefer this expansive concept of love over the long-held reductionist belief that two become one. If two become one, both participants in the relationship are diminished. Conversely, what truly feeds the soul of a loving relationship is expansion, mutual-nurturance, and growth.

Without doubt, being part of a synergistic, two-makes-three relationship requires a conscious commitment. Did your rela­tionship with the person who died feel enhancing or diminishing? In synergistic relationships, there has to be space and encouragement to be real and authentic. Were you empowered to be your true self or disempowered to be something you were not? Did your two make three, or did your two make you less than one? If your two made less than one, perhaps you are now faced with mourning what you never had but wished you did. How human is that?

Person wearing black placing a spray of white flowers at a loved one's grave

If, on the other hand, your relationship with the person who died made you greater than the sum of your parts, what happens now that one of you is gone? You may feel diminished. You may feel empty. You may feel less than whole. Your self-identity may even seem to shrink as you struggle with your changing roles. If you are no longer a wife (or a mother or a sister or a daughter), what are you? If you are no longer a husband (or a father or a brother or a son), what are you?

The experience of mourning can feel piecemeal – a cry here, a burst of anger there; a deep sadness today, a crush of guilt tomorrow. You might feel a sense of disorientation from the scattered and ever-changing nature of your grief.

But when you trust in the process of grief and you surrender to the mystery, you will find that mourning, like love, is also greater than the sum of its parts. Leaning into your grief and always erring on the side of expressing rather than inhibiting or ignoring your thoughts and feelings – ­no matter how random and disjointed they might seem some days – will bring you to a place of transformation. You will not just be different from the person you were before the death. You will be greater. Your experience of love and grief will create a changed you, a you who has not only survived but who has learned to thrive again in a new form and in a new way.

And just as love connects you to others, so should grief. You need the listening ears and open hearts of others as you express your thoughts and feelings about the death. You need the support of others as you mourn.

Yes, love and grief are both greater than the sum of their parts. The lesson I take from this is that whenever you engage fully and openly in life, experiencing both the joys and the sorrows head-on, you are living the life you were meant to live.

About the Author:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many compassionate, bestselling books designed to help people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well, including Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out, from which this article is excerpted. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.

Printed by permission of Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, all rights reserved.

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