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christy.kessler

Feb 26
Love0

Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

By Memorial, Veterans

“Here rests in honored glory an American soldier known but to God.” – Inscription on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Memorial Day is a day set aside every year to honor and remember the many men and women who have died while serving our nation. As we seek to honor them, let us remember them and the great sacrifices they made to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Lasting from July 1914 to November 1918, more than 4 million Americans served in World War I. In the end, more than 8 million soldiers across the world died in the conflict, with over 116,000 of them being American. Thousands of soldiers remained unidentified at the end of the war, and in 1920, the United Kingdom dedicated its own Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. In the following year, the United States, France, and Italy all dedicated their own memorials to the unidentified dead of the war. To this day, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is the most hallowed grave at Arlington Cemetery.

How It Came to Be

On March 4, 1921, Congress approved the burial of an unidentified American soldier to honor the unidentified dead of the war. In November, four unknown soldiers were exhumed from the four World War I American cemeteries in France. U.S. Army Sergeant Edward Younger, a decorated veteran, selected one of the caskets at random to be taken to Washington, D.C., for burial at the memorial. Once in the United States, the unknown soldier lay in state at the Capital from his arrival on November 9 until Veterans Day (then called Armistice Day). An estimated 90,000 people came to pay their respects during his time at the Capitol. On November 11, 1921, President Warren G. Harding officiated the interment ceremonies at the memorial.

Eventually, the remains of unidentified soldiers from World War II, the Korean War, and the Vietnam War would join their World War I compatriot in nearby interment locations marked with white marble slabs. However, in 1998, DNA testing identified the unknown Vietnam soldier. After his identification, the family received his remains. The Vietnam crypt remains vacant to this day, though an inscription was added, which says, “Honoring and Keeping Faith with America’s Missing Servicemen.”

Significant Features of the Memorial

When it was first constructed, the memorial did not include the rectangular, white marble sarcophagus that we now associate with the memorial. Instead, a simple marble slab covered the tomb’s opening. It was always intended that a structure sit atop the crypt, but it wasn’t until July 1926 that the funds were authorized. Then, in 1929, Lorimer Rich and Thomas Hudson Jones’ design was approved, and construction officially began.

The Tomb

Using Yule marble quarried from Marble, Colorado, the tomb consists of seven large pieces. It is flat-faced with neoclassic columns. Sculpted onto the east panel are three Greek figures, symbolizing peace, victory, and valor, commemorating the spirit of the Allies. And on the north and south panels, six inverted wreaths are sculpted, symbolizing mourning and representing the six major campaigns in World War I fought by Americans: Battel of Ardennes, Battle of Belleau Wood, Battle of Chateau-Thierry, Meusse-Argonne, Aisne-Marne, and the Battle of the Somme.

Perhaps most remembered is the inscription on the western panel, which reads:

“Here rests in honored glory an American soldier known but to God”

Tomb Guards

Perhaps as well known as the tomb itself are the Sentinels, or the tomb guards. It is considered one of the highest honors to serve as a Sentinel at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Additionally, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Guard Identification Badge is the second least-awarded qualification badge in the U.S. military (the first least-awarded is the astronaut badge).

Since 1948, all of the Sentinels have come out of the 3rd Infantry Regiment, or “The Old Guard.” While they are guarding the tomb, the Sentinels do not wear rank insignia. By doing this, they will never outrank the Unknowns. The Sentinels command silence and respect at the tomb and will confront visitors who cross the barriers of the tomb or display loud or disrespectful behavior.

While they are actively guarding the tomb, the Sentinels “walk the mat” and follow a meticulous routine:

  1. March 21 steps south down the 63′ long, black mat laid before the tomb
  2. Turn and face east, toward the tomb, for 21 seconds
  3. Turn and face north, change weapon to outside shoulder, and wait 21 seconds
  4. March 21 steps down the mat
  5. Turn and face east for 21 seconds
  6. Turn and face south, change weapon to outside shoulder, and wait 21 seconds
  7. The routine repeats until the changing of the guard

The number 21 is significant because it symbolizes the highest military honor that can be bestowed – the 21-gun salute.

Since 1937, guards have watched over the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The Sentinels must meet the highest standards of behavior for their entire lifetime. If they do anything throughout their lifetime to disrespect the tomb, they risk their badge. While the Sentinels are usually male, three women have held the honored post.

Why Do We Have Memorials?

Permanent memorials ensure a lasting tribute for those who have been loved and lost. They also allow us, as people, to honor those we wish to always remember. Just as we create memorials for our heroes, we also create them for our loved ones. There are five key reasons why permanent memorials are important.

  1. A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
  2. It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects and connect with those who have died.
  3. It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
  4. A permanent memorial allows people the opportunity to remember and reflect on the lives lived.
  5. It remembers and respects the dead.

For many of our veterans, a large-scale memorial honors the group as a whole, as is the case with the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. However, headstones, grave markers, or inscriptions set in place by their families honor them as individuals. Both types of memorialization are important and honoring to our veterans and our loved ones.

How You Can Help

While all of our World War I veterans have died, we can still remember them and honor their sacrifice. Wreaths Across America takes donations throughout the year, and every December, they lay a wreath of remembrance on the grave of as many veterans as possible. You can sponsor a wreath or volunteer to distribute them at cemeteries across the United States and beyond. Whatever you choose, sponsoring a wreath is a touching way to remember those who gave so much to our nation.

Feb 21
Love0

Survival Guide to Grieving Special Days

By Grief/Loss

We all have “special” days in our lives, and after the loss of someone we love, they are often particularly difficult. Birthdays. Holidays. Anniversaries. The first day you met. The first time you knew you loved them. Their favorite day of the year. No matter who you’ve lost – parent, grandparent, spouse, sibling, child, or friend – any day of the year could be special to you and the one you love.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a noted grief counselor, author, and educator, affirms that our grief journeys are as unique as we are. “In life, everyone grieves. But their grief journeys are never the same. Despite what you may hear, you will do the work of mourning in your own special way. Be careful about comparing your experience with that of other people. Also, do not adopt assumptions about how long your grief should last. Just consider taking a ‘one-day-at-a-time’ approach. Doing so allows you to mourn at your own pace.”

When those special and significant days come, here are a few ideas for navigating through them:

1. Plan ahead

As a special day or milestone approaches, consider what you will need to get through the day. Think ahead and decide if you need to take the day off to rest and reflect. You may also wish to do something special or meaningful to honor your loved one’s memory. Or, you may want to go to a special place or gather with certain people on that day. A little planning ahead of time can make for a more peaceful and contemplative day.

2. Take time to remember

The hardest part about a day that is special to you is if no one else seems to remember. No matter what the particular day may be, if it’s significant to you and your lost loved one, do something to remember, to celebrate, to commemorate, and to honor it. Take flowers to the gravesite, look through old photos and videos, light a candle, or write a letter. All of these are simple ways to express your grief outwardly. The outward expression of grief will help bring peace and healing on a difficult day.

3. Give to meaningful causes

Giving back is one way you can pay it forward to others and carry on your loved one’s legacy.  Though your loved one is gone, their legacy lives on through you. For example, if they greatly valued children, find a way to give back to local or international programs that help children. You may even sign up for a race or a walk that raises funds for a special cause. Focusing on the needs of others will also help you look outside your own pain and take a break from grief.

4. Reinvent the day

Another option is to reinvent the days that bring you pain. For example, on the anniversary of your loved one’s death, do something that would have delighted them. If they loved to fish, go spend a day at the lake and take time to remember and cherish. This same principle can be applied to any special day. Changing routines and focusing on what brings you joy and peace, even temporarily, can help you get through a hard day.

5. Enjoy quiet time

For many of us, we need time alone to process through our emotions, so quietness may be what you need on the “special” days. Take deep breaths and allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you need to feel. If painful emotions come to the surface, find a healthy way to express those emotions. Remember, it’s okay if you need to cry. Grief journaling, creative expression, and spending time outdoors are all very effective ways to express your feelings.

6. Talk about your feelings

Your friends and family care. Don’t be afraid that you’re going to “bring them down” if you talk honestly about the sadness that you’re experiencing. If you need to get something off your chest, do it. Too often, our culture encourages us to stifle sad emotions and put on a happy face. But it’s healthy to express what we feel and confide in others. Let those who love you support you. If your friends and family are unable to give what you need at this time, join a support group or find a counselor.

7. Spend time with friends and family

While it is good to spend some time in solitude and reflection, it is also important to socialize with people who support you and care about you. Go out to dinner or prepare a meal together. Turn on a favorite film or tv show. Numerous studies have shown that laughter plays an important role in lowering stress, improving mood, strengthening our relationships, and contributing to our overall health. By taking time to laugh with people you love, you take a healing step forward.

Don’t Forget – It’s a Journey

Some of these suggestions may appeal to you while others don’t. That’s okay. Remember what Dr. Wolfelt said earlier? Our grief journeys are never the same. They look different for each of us, so some of these options will be right for you and others won’t. Simply choose what’s best for you and follow through.

The “special” days will always be special to you, but eventually, the pain they awaken won’t be so overwhelming. The grief will lessen in intensity, but we never truly get over our grief. We become reconciled to it. In other words, we find a new way to live because the old way is gone forever. It’s hard work, and it will take time, but eventually, you will find your “new normal.”

But for now, grieve. Cry. Remember. And look for ways to celebrate your lost loved one on those days that are special to you. Or find a way to turn painful days into positive, uplifting moments that help you honor and remember the one who died. May you find the peace and reconciliation you need.

Feb 21
Love0

Honoring Our Fallen Heroes: World War II Memorial

By Memorial, Veterans

“It is altogether fitting and proper that we gather this weekend [Memorial Day weekend] and in this place to memorialize the people, places, and events that forever changed the course of history and turned back a rising tide of tyranny – when the fate of the free world hung in the balance.”

– President George W. Bush at the World War II Memorial’s Dedication Ceremony on May 29, 2004

Memorial Day is a day set aside every year to honor and remember the many men and women who have died while serving the United States of America and its people. As we seek to honor them, let us remember them and the great sacrifices they made to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

World War II Memorial

The World War II Memorial was dedicated on May 29, 2004, and was constructed to honor and memorialize those brave Americans who served in the Armed Forces and as civilians during World War II. More than 16 million people served in the United States Armed Forces during World War II, including more than 400,000 who gave their lives to the cause. While the conflict began in Europe in 1939, the United States did not enter the war until 1941, after the attack on Pearl Harbor. In the ensuing years, many Americans applied themselves diligently to the war effort, and ultimately, with many allies across multiple countries, emerged victorious.

How It Came to Be

It took several years for the memorial to become a reality. In 1987, World War II veteran Roger Durbin first approached a U.S. Representative about the construction of a memorial for World War II veterans. It took a few years, but in 1993, the Senate approved the request. Soon after, President Bill Clinton signed the World War II Act into law. After the Act passed, it took several years to raise funds, finalize blueprints, and construct the memorial.

Significant Features of the Memorial

Located along the National Mall in Washington, D.C., directly between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument, the World War II Memorial stands in stately grace at the former site of the Rainbow Pool. Prominently displayed nearby, an announcement stone declares:

Here in the presence of Washington and Lincoln,
one the eighteenth century father and the other the
nineteenth century preserver of our nation, we honor
those twentieth century Americans who took up the struggle
during the Second World War and made the sacrifices to
perpetuate the gift our forefathers entrusted to us—
a nation conceived in liberty and justice.

Consisting of 56 pillars, two small triumphal arches, a square, and a fountain, the World War II Memorial was opened to the public on April 29, 2004, and officially dedicated on May 29, 2004.

Surrounding a large pool are granite columns representing each U.S. state and territory at the time of World War II. Additionally, two triumphal arches labeled “Atlantic” and “Pacific” represent the two war fronts.

Perhaps the most striking feature of the memorial is the Freedom Wall. The wall displays 4,048 gold stars, representing the ultimate sacrifice paid by more than 400,000 Americans. Each star represents 100 Americans who lost their lives during the conflict. In front of the wall, an inscribed stone fittingly states, “Here we mark the price of freedom.”

Why Do We Have Memorials?

Permanent memorials ensure a lasting tribute for those who have been loved and lost. They also allow us, as people, to honor those we wish to always remember. Just as we create memorials for our heroes, we also create them for our loved ones. There are five key reasons why permanent memorials are important, whether it is to commemorate an event, a group of people, or just one person, like a close loved one.

  1. A permanent memorial provides a place for people to mourn.
  2. It gives all mourners (not just family) access to pay their respects and connect with those who have died.
  3. It provides a permanent place that will exist for generations to come.
  4. A permanent memorial allows people the opportunity to remember and reflect on the lives lived.
  5. It ensures that the dead are remembered and respected.

For many of our veterans, a large-scale memorial honors the group as a whole. This is the case with World War II veterans and the World War II Memorial. However, for individuals, families set headstones, grave markers, or inscriptions in place. Both types of memorialization are important and honoring to our veterans and our loved ones.

Want to Get Involved?

If you would like to help veterans visit Washington, D.C. and the memorials dedicated to their service and sacrifice, consider joining Honor Flight Network in making their mission a continued reality. Since 2005, Honor Flight has flown 180,261 veterans to Washington, D.C., and their important work continues.

Also, the Friends of the National World War II Memorial, founded in 2007, is “dedicated to honoring and preserving the national memory of World War and to creating the next ‘Greatest Generation’ of tomorrow.” To learn more about their mission, visit www.wwiimemorialfriends.org.

Feb 14
Love0

5 Reasons Why People Don’t Plan Ahead for Funeral Wishes

By Explore Options, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

Life is full of to-do lists, errands, activities, hobbies, and gatherings. While many of these things bring us great joy, some of them simply need doing. While we may not relish taking 10 minutes out of our day to fill up the gas tank, it must be done. For many, planning ahead for funeral wishes is one of those things we just keep putting off. Based on a recent survey by the FAMIC (Funeral and Memorial Information Council), 89% of Americans (40+ years old) feel that a discussion about their end-of-life wishes would be meaningful, but only 17% had actually made arrangements. So, what is it that keeps us from planning ahead for funeral wishes?

5 Reasons Why People Don’t Plan Ahead for Funeral Wishes

1. “I’m too young.”

While it is true that you may be in your prime and have many years left to enjoy and fill with lasting memories, this is not a good reason to put off planning. After all, none of us actually know the number of our days. Even if you don’t sit down with a funeral professional to go over all your options or set up a prepaid funeral plan, you can: 1) write down your wishes and let an emergency contact know where they are, and 2) start saving now for when the need arises. We have not yet found a way to live forever, and unless we do, one day your family will need to know your wishes.

2. “I don’t have the money.”

Did you know that it costs you nothing to preplan for funeral wishes? If you choose a funeral home partner, a knowledgeable staff member will sit down with you, free of charge, to review all of your options. As you review your options and determine what’s right for you and your family, you can get an accurate idea of what the funeral will actually cost. (However, keep in mind, costs will increase over time.) This information will help you when you determine how the funeral will one day be paid for. Even if you decide not to pre-pay for a funeral, ask a funeral professional about their offerings. You may find a better deal than you expected!

3. “I’m too busy.”

Life does have a tendency to pull us in many different directions. As with many things, we just have to make time for the things that matter. If we see the value in something, we make time for it. Take exercise or higher education or work. We see the value in them, so we make time for them. Planning ahead for funeral wishes is a valuable use of your time. It gives you a chance to figure out how you want to be remembered while also giving your loved ones a special gift of love – the knowledge that they have honored and remembered you as you desired. Knowing your wishes takes a lot of pressure off surviving family members during a time of pain and distress.

4. “I don’t want to think about my own death.”

This may be more of a subconscious reason. In our everyday lives, we don’t really want to think about death, and that is perfectly natural. However, we can’t avoid the inevitable. Someday, each of us will die. Isn’t it better to be prepared? We plan ahead for many life events – weddings, parties, vacations, family visits, and so on. Many of us even prepare for the possibility of unexpected things by purchasing auto, home, or fire insurance. Doesn’t it make sense to plan ahead for an event that you know will happen? Especially if, by recording your funeral wishes, you can give your family members peace of mind that everything is taken care of?

5. “Someone else will do it.”

This is true. Someone else could do it. You could leave everything to your surviving family members. But, ultimately, you’re the one who knows you best and can make the best decisions. Do you have a preference for burial or cremation? Will your loved ones highlight the stories that you would want highlighted? If you do prefer cremation, would you prefer urn burial or scattering or some other option? Making all of these decisions while also mourning a loss puts an emotional strain on surviving family members. On top of that, they will never know if they did the right thing. Yes, someone else could do it, but doing most of the decision-making for them is a much better option.

The Value of Planning Ahead

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, nationally-recognized grief counselor and educator, has walked alongside thousands of grieving families. Because of this experience, he knows the value of the funeral and the impact it has on those left behind to mourn. He has found that there are six needs of mourning, and the funeral is the key to beginning the grief journey on the right foot.

In his own words: “The reconciliation needs of mourning are the six needs that I believe to be the most central to healing in grief.  In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”

The reality is that by putting together a full plan – or just by putting your general wishes in writing – you increase the likelihood that your family will find peace of mind during a trying time. Not only that, but you create a personalized service that honors your life the way you want. After all, one of the key aspects of a healing and meaningful funeral is personalization. Your life is unique and worth remembering. Help your family do it well. It’s never too early to plan ahead, though it could be too late.

For more information on how to create a meaningful and healing funeral, take a few moments to read the following articles:

Why is the Funeral Ritual Important?

Why Do We Have Funerals? (video)

7 Elements of a Healing and Meaningful Funeral

Helping Your Family Personalize a Funeral

6 Ways to Personalize a Funeral

Feb 14
Love0

How Creativity Can Help You Deal With Loss

By AfterCare, Grief/Loss

Your way back will happen very slowly. Almost like a whisper. You will be OK. Not the same. But OK. Not you. But still you. – Christina Rasmussen

Sometimes talking about our grief isn’t enough. Maybe our words don’t fully say what we want them to say. Or they don’t capture the depth of what we feel. This is why creative expression is such an integral part of the human experience and an excellent way to process the painful feelings we encounter, especially during times of grief. For many, participating in creative self-expression can help bring deep-rooted, complex emotions to light.

As part of your grief journey, you might consider taking up an activity that allows you to express yourself creatively. For many of us, painting comes to mind first, but you don’t have to take up painting if you don’t want to. There are many ways to express yourself creatively and tap into what is hiding below the surface. For example, you could: draw (pencil, pastels, ink), paint, sculpt, scrapbook, keep a grief journal, take photographs, garden, write poetry or prose, cook, bake, take up calligraphy, compose music, restore a car, woodwork, or create a memory quilt or box.

In the end, the final product doesn’t matter. The healing value is in the doing. You don’t have to be good at something to take it up as a vehicle for healing. In other words, you don’t have to be a writer to keep a grief journal. You don’t have to be a painter to use watercolors or oils. You don’t have to be a photographer to take beautiful pictures. All you need is the motivation and the desire to see if creative expression will help you.

Here are a few reasons why delving into your creativity may help you deal with loss.

1. It helps you express things you might not be able to put into words.

We all know how it feels to be at a loss for words. Creative expression allows us to become more aware of how we actually feel. In the creative process, we slow down a little and think about our emotions, actions, moods, and behaviors. There may be something going on inside that we don’t realize is there until we take the time to explore it.

2. The creative options available to you are wide and varied.

As mentioned above, you aren’t limited in what medium you choose as your creative outlet. An Australian woman did choose to paint and is now exhibiting her work, while another woman created works of art made from the clothing left behind by the son she lost. Eric Clapton, a musician who lost his young son in a freak accident, used music to help him deal with his grief. No matter what form of expression you choose, the results can contribute to the healing and reconciliation you come to regarding the death of the person you loved.

3. It’s a safe way to express your emotions.

Grief can bring out a myriad of emotions. Some of your emotions may even make you nervous or afraid. Using your creativity to deal with loss is a way to safely express yourself. No other person needs to be around when you create, unless you want them to be. It’s a time when you can choose to be alone to constructively explore what’s in your heart and mind. Your work is as private as you want it to be, and even if the emotions that reveal themselves are ugly, it’s better to get them out than to have them bottled up inside, waiting for a moment to burst.

4. It’s something you can control in a world that may seem out of control.

When we lose someone we love, our world is rocked. Things that felt safe and secure before may now feel shaky and uncertain. Depending on the depth of the loss, it may feel like everything is spiraling out of control. By taking up a creative habit, you create an opportunity where you can exert a certain level of control over at least one aspect of your life. It’s your work, and you make the rules. Throughout the process, creativity may become a reliable friend – a means of self-support during a time of confusion and pain.

5. It provides you with an opportunity to engage with others who are grieving.

Some will choose to engage in solitary creative expression. Others will take the opportunity to participate in collective creative expression. If you decide to paint, you might join a group of other painters who are going through loss. If you decide to write poetry, you could join a writing group focused on grief. You are not alone in your journey – so many others are also dealing with grief in their own way. You may find a kindred spirit in a class who will come alongside you as you grieve.

6. It is beneficial to your health.

It has been discovered that self-expression, particularly the arts, can actually help relieve feelings of stress, fear, and depression. The body calms during the activity, which, in turn, contributes to reduced blood pressure and even releases chemicals in the brain to decrease some types of depression. By allowing the emotions building up on the inside to find outward expression, you are actually allowing your body to relax, resulting in less strain and better health.

7. It helps you remember that there is still beauty in the world.

No matter which medium you choose to interact with – photography, journaling, woodworking, painting, etc. – at some point you will make a realization: there is still beauty in the world. The flowers are still delicate, the mountains are still impressive, and people are still worth knowing and loving. Even in grief, you will have good moments – days when you remember that life can be good. When those days come, don’t reject them. Embrace them. Remember that life can be good again…not the same but still good.

A brief note regarding creative expression and children in grief: Creative expression activities (most often arts & crafts) are very helpful for children experiencing grief. Children have a difficult time identifying what they are feeling, much less putting it into words. Arts & crafts allow them to communicate without words and provide an opportunity to release their emotions and express their thoughts.

If you’d like to give creative expression a try, you first need to pick an activity that appeals to you – even if you don’t think you’re good at it! Then, for three or four consecutive days, spend at least 20 minutes a day doing your chosen activity. After a few days, evaluate how you feel and if you’d like to continue. Fully embrace the activity during the trial phase and express yourself fearlessly. Your emotions are important, and they need to be expressed so that you can move forward.

Feb 06
Love0

Writing Your Will: How to Avoid Common Pitfalls

By Planning Tools

This story is all too common. A parent dies without a legal will, and the adult children must face not only their grief, but the headache of moving the estate through probate court.

That is why creating a legal will is one of the most vital areas of estate planning. A legal will ensures that your property and possessions will be divided and distributed according to your wishes. When someone dies without a legal will, that person is said to have died “intestate,” and the person’s property and assets will be subject to distribution by the state of residence.

Intestacy

Intestacy can be the cause of unpleasant arguments among family members. If your final wishes for your property aren’t signed, witnessed, and documented while you are in a clear state of mind, then your loved ones will be left with the headache of trying to interpret your wishes in a way that doesn’t cause significant conflict.

Administrator of the Estate

When someone dies intestate, a member of the family is usually appointed as the administrator of the estate. But there is no way to determine the true wishes of the one who has passed. If the deceased did not appoint an executor of the will, a probate court will often appoint this administrator.

Developing a Plan

The issue of intestacy is further complicated by the fact that states have different laws for going about the process.  To avoid all the legal red tape, plan ahead by writing a will that clearly delineates your wishes and that is legally valid. Requirements for a will’s legality vary from state to state, so you may have to do some research on specific requirements in your state. However, here are some general guidelines that you can follow to write a will that is legally acceptable and that best conveys your wishes:

  • Don’t wait: To ensure its legality, your will must be signed when you are of sound mind. Many people think that they can wait until they are on their deathbed to write the will, but if your state of health calls into question your mental clarity, then your will could be declared invalid. To avoid this potential setback, construct a legally valid will ahead of time.
  • Select your witnesses: Your will should be written in the presence of witnesses. At least two witnesses will need to sign it, but some states will not accept less than three. Make sure that the witnesses are disinterested parties, people who are not beneficiaries and have no stake in the proceedings.
  • Choose an executor: Be sure to assign an executor of the will to fulfill the duty of settling the estate. This is the person who you will trust to represent your wishes after your death. Often, a spouse or close friend is appointed as an executor. Remember, in the absence of an executor, an administrator of the estate will have to be chosen, and there is no way to guarantee that the person selected will know how to follow your wishes.
  • Provide for dependents: If you are responsible for the care of minors, it is important that you outline your wishes for their continued care, and that you assign a guardian that you trust to take on this role.
  • Communicate clearly: Make sure that your thoughts are well-organized. Identify your heirs and give instructions that are free of ambiguity. Read back over the material and make sure that there is an unmistakable connection between person and property, gift and recipient.
  • Update: Return to your will every few years to make sure that your current wishes are represented. Things change. If a decade has passed and you haven’t looked at your will, there’s a good chance that it’s offering an inaccurate picture of your current wishes. Pull it out every few years, review it carefully, and make any necessary edits.

State Law Requirements

While these general principles will help you avoid some of the potential pitfalls of will-writing, it is essential that you also educate yourself on your specific state’s laws for creating a will. An attorney can help with this, or you can take advantage of an online will creation service to make sure that your will is written within the parameters of state law.

Be Proactive

It’s never too early to start thinking ahead. By creating a clearly worded and legally sound will, you can relieve your family of unnecessary stress and make sure that your wishes will be carried out. Ensuring that your estate and your belongings are distributed according to your preferences will bring peace of mind to you and your loved ones.

Jan 31
Love3

Cremation and the Importance of Ceremony

By Cremation, Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Plan Ahead

Cremation is a rapidly growing trend in the United States, with just over 50% of those who died in 2016 selecting cremation for their final disposition. However, many families who choose cremation don’t realize that they can still have a healing and meaningful funeral experience, even if they choose this form of disposition. According to respected grief experts, the funeral is a necessary part of the grieving process. And while cremation is a popular option for final disposition, it shouldn’t prevent individuals and families from the benefits of having a healing and meaningful funeral ritual.

According to the National Funeral Directors Association, less than half of Americans associate cremation with a memorial service; only 11.8 percent associate it with a funeral that includes a viewing or visitation; and more than 50 percent of Americans are not aware that you can have a funeral/visitation/viewing with the body before cremation takes place. So, what do these statistics tell us? That when families choose cremation, they are likely missing out on the opportunity to memorialize and commemorate the life of a loved one.

That said, let’s review the basic service options for honoring a loved one who has chosen cremation.

1. Traditional Service/Viewing/Visitation Prior to Cremation

First of all, choosing cremation does not prevent a family from having a traditional service with the body present. The family may choose to have a private family viewing or public visitation. They may even hold a full funeral service with the body present using a rented ceremonial casket. A rental casket looks like a regular casket on the outside. The difference is that a rental casket holds a cremation container insert on the inside. After the service, the funeral home staff removes the cremation container and transports it to the crematorium. For family members, the main benefit of holding a service or viewing with the body present is having an opportunity to emotionally process the reality of the death, which is very important to the grief journey. In fact, one of the best ways to acknowledge that someone is no longer with us is to physically see them and say our goodbyes. With that said, for some it may not be possible to view the body. In that case, you can still say your goodbyes and acknowledge the reality of the loss in your own way.

2. Memorial Service After Cremation

A second option is to plan a memorial service to take place after cremation has already occurred. Like a traditional service, you can create a personalized event complete with all the elements of a meaningful service, tailored to honor the life of your loved one. The main difference is that at a memorial service the body will not be present. However, you can place an urn in a place of honor during the service. By planning a memorial service, you still offer mourners an opportunity to come together. They can offer support to each other and remember the life of someone loved. It’s important to honor a loved one’s life and show them the proper respect. Without a ceremony or service, this need may go unaddressed. And even if your loved one didn’t want to “make a fuss,” gathering together, supporting one another, and honoring life is a necessary part of the grief journey. Before you skip the memorial service, consider the effect on those who mourn if they don’t have the opportunity to come together to grieve.

3. Direct Cremation

Finally, a third option is direct cremation. Often, families choose this option for one of three reasons. First, the one who has died didn’t want a “fuss” made over them after their death. Second, they were financially unable to select a different option. Or, third, they didn’t know they had other options. If your loved one chooses direct cremation and you agree with their choice, honor their wishes when the time comes. However, if your loved one sets their mind on direct cremation and you don’t agree with their choice, sit down with them. Talk about why you would like a meaningful service to accompany their cremation wishes.

As you make your end-of-life plans, carefully consider what is best for your loved ones and friends, what they will need as they mourn your loss. Each of these three options may be appropriate in different circumstances and situations. We all have different expectations for what a funeral service will entail and what we want it to look like. No matter which option you choose – cremation with traditional service, viewing, or visitation; cremation with memorial service; direct cremation; or a combination of options – find a way to balance your family’s needs with your own personal wishes.

Jan 30
Love0

Do Funerals Still Matter?

By Meaningful Funerals, Plan Ahead

We have had funerals since the beginning of time. No matter which culture you research, you will find evidence of funeral rites and traditions. Though the specific customs may have changed over time, the human need to acknowledge a life and process a death still remains. This innate human need is why we still need meaningful and healing funerals today.

Why Does It Matter?

But what is a meaningful and healing funeral? What do these terms really mean, and how do you create such an experience? Why does it matter? To begin, it’s important to realize that a funeral is not about closure. It’s not about “getting over” your grief; it’s about starting to grieve. According to nationally-respected grief expert and counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt, we don’t get over our grief, but in time, we become reconciled to it. He says, “Your feeling[s] of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent.  Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that your life can and will move forward.”

The end goal of a healing and meaningful funeral is to give people the opportunity to confront their emotions and begin the grief journey on the right foot. A meaningful ceremony is personalized. The ceremony itself accurately reflects the life of the one who has died and touches the hearts of those who mourn. And because the ceremony is meaningful, because it is personal, mourners experience healing. Out of the funeral, they start their own individual grief journey, which may take weeks, months, or even years, depending on the degree of loss. But it all starts with a personalized ritual – a healing and meaningful funeral or memorial service.

Creating a Meaningful and Healing Funeral

The 6 Needs of Mourning

Based on his years of experience companioning families through grief, Dr. Alan Wolfelt has determined that mourners have 6 needs that should be met through the funeral service. If a funeral is personalized and meets these 6 needs, then mourners, “through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”

1. Acknowledge the reality of the death

When we lose someone we love, our mind naturally rebels against the knowledge. But in order to heal, we must confront the truth. In some way, the funeral must acknowledge the reality of the death. This can be done in many ways. Perhaps there is a visitation with the body present or the officiants purposefully use the past tense or the urn containing the cremated body is set in a prominent place.

2. Move toward the pain of the loss

Dr. Wolfelt says, “I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief.  Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.” A funeral service is an accepted venue to tap into and release our emotions. By its nature, the funeral service affords several inescapable opportunities for mourners to move toward the pain and begin to process it.

3. Remember the person who has died

In order to heal, we must shift our relationship with the one who has died from one of physical presence to one of memory. This is why it is so important to personalize the service. Many elements of the funeral allow people to come together and remember. The visitation, the eulogy, and the gathering are all opportunities to share our memories. And, according to Dr. Wolfelt, “the more we ‘tell the story’ the more likely we are to reconcile to the grief.” Create opportunities to share and to remember.

4. Develop a new self-identity

To some degree, our relationships give us an identity. Father, mother, sister, brother, friend, grandchild. You may have heard someone say, “I feel like a part of me died along with him.” This is because we gain some sense of identity from those around us. The funeral marks the beginning of a new identity. Perhaps we move from a wife to a widow or from a grandchild with living grandparents to a grandchild without living grandparents. No matter the change, the funeral marks a mental shift in identity.

5. Search for meaning

As part of the grief process, we naturally question the meaning of life and death. Why did this happen? Why now? What happens after death? It is these “why” questions that decide why we should go on living and contribute to our search for meaning. While the funeral itself does not facilitate this search, it does force us to confront a very real fact: we will die. And because one day we, too, will face death, it is appropriate to seek out the answers to these questions and find meaning.

6. Receive ongoing support from others

Lastly, the funeral provides a public place where others can offer their support to the grieving and the grieving can accept support. This is perhaps the most important aspect of a meaningful and healing funeral. We are not meant to walk through the trials of life alone. If we don’t have a service of some kind, we are communicating to others that we don’t need their support, and then, we’re on our own. Invite others in and find a group to support you throughout your grief journey.

How to Personalize a Funeral

The second part of a healing and meaningful funeral is personalization. A funeral should incorporate seven elements: music, readings, visitation/reception, eulogy, symbols, a gathering, and actions. Together, these seven elements create a meaningful service.

Each of these elements can be specifically personalized. The music reflects the tastes of the one who has died. The readings come from their most treasured quotes, songs, or books. The visitation may include a collage of photos or a memorial tribute video. The eulogy tells the tale of their life. The gathering allows friends and family to come together to share memories, to talk about how the one who has died impacted them, and to support each other. And actions invite mourners to put their grief into motion.

Each of these elements is important and can be arranged however you wish. The most important thing is to honor and remember the life lived in what seems the best way.

For more information on ways to personalize a funeral or memorial service and to see how others have personalized funerals, click on the links below:

6 Ways to Personalize a Funeral

How to Make a Funeral More Personal

5 Unique Venues for a Celebration of Life Service

Remembering Grandmother with Handmade Quilts

Honoring a Teacher’s Last Request

Harry Potter-themed Funeral for Cancer Victim

Jan 30
Love0

The Importance of a Memorial Tribute Video

By Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Memorial, Planning Tools

“The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the movement from the ‘before’ to the ‘after’ is almost always a long, painful journey. From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of grieving people I have worked with over the years, I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.”  – Dr. Alan Wolfelt

At the beginning of every healthy grief journey is a healing, meaningful, and personalized funeral service. As you plan a funeral, consider how you can make the experience one that meets the emotional needs of family and friends left to mourn. The more personal a funeral service is, the more meaningful it will be, and one of the most important ways you can personalize a funeral is through a tribute or memorial video.

How Tribute Videos Can Bring Comfort and Healing

Captures the uniqueness of a lost loved one

First and foremost, a tribute video is an excellent way to capture the uniqueness of the one you love. You have the opportunity to share their life story – the daily moments, the milestones, and the people who made it all worthwhile. You can use photographs, video clips, audio recordings, favorite quotes, and more to make the video a fitting tribute to your loved one. By doing this, you draw others into your loved one’s life story and stimulate their own memories.

Adds a meaningful element to the service

Dr. Wolfelt tells us that “funerals are most meaningful when they are personalized tributes to the unique life and relationships of the person who died.” A video tribute allows you to personalize the funeral service. You can use favorite songs to accompany the photos, video clips, and other features you choose to utilize. This is an opportunity to invite mourners to engage with their emotions, remember your loved one, and acknowledge the pain of loss.

Allows everyone time to reflect on their memories

Not only does a tribute video showcase the uniqueness of your loved one and provide a meaningful element to the funeral service, it also allows mourners to reflect on their own memories. This is an important aspect of making a funeral a healing experience. As Dr. Wolfelt stated, “we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief…we must journey all through it.” A tribute video opens the door for others to reflect on and engage with their own memories.

Comforts surviving family members and friends

A tribute video can offer comfort in much the same way that a treasured possession, an article of clothing, or a photograph would. Just as we may have a go-to book or movie when we want to be comforted or feel close to someone or something, a video can serve a similar purpose. In those moments when you need to feel close to your loved one, to see their face, to remember their life, you can watch the video as you grieve their absence.

Doubles as a keepsake for family and friends

Practically speaking, a tribute video makes a simple but meaningful keepsake for family and friends. At some services, the attendees are invited to take a token in remembrance of the one who has died. This action allows each mourner to feel strongly associated with the one they have lost. By giving a tribute video as a token, you provide an opportunity for them to continue to explore their feelings of loss and relive their cherished memories even after the funeral.

Offers a way to share your loved one’s life with future generations

Lastly, a tribute video provides a way to share your loved one’s life with future generations. You will likely have children and grandchildren who will want to know about your life and the people you loved who have already gone. When the questions arise, a tribute video can supplement the tales that you tell and give them a picture in their minds of the life your loved one lived. This may be an especially important exercise for children who’ve lost a parent.

Whether you decide to utilize a tribute video or not, you can plan a meaningful and healing funeral. The tribute video is just one way that you can personalize a funeral. For more ideas on how to personalize a funeral, take a moment to read 6 Ways to Personalize a Funeral. This article will give you some ideas, but only you know the best way to create something truly beautiful that reflects your loved one’s life, values, relationships, and ideals.

Jan 22
Love0

10 Ways to Reinvent Valentine’s Day

By Grief/Loss, Seasonal

“The only cure for grief is action.” – George Henry Lewes

Grief is hard every day, but it is especially hard on those days throughout the year that we think of as “special.” Valentine’s Day is one of them. The stores are stocked with chocolate and Hallmark cards, and everywhere you look, people are discussing their plans for the day. But for you, Valentine’s Day is a source of pain and tears.

If that’s the case, consider finding a way to reinvent Valentine’s Day. While the day specifically celebrates love, it isn’t relegated to only romantic love. The things and people we love go beyond just romantic relationships. This year, by focusing on bringing joy to others, you will make Valentine’s Day easier on yourself. Who knows, your actions may even help you process your grief. After all, as nationally-respected grief educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt says, “Grief is what you think and feel on the inside after someone you love dies. Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys.”

10 Ways to Reinvent Valentine’s Day

1. Invite friends over for dinner

Celebrate the love of good friends. We all have friends who stick with us through thick and thin, especially during times of grief. So, plan a meal or go out for dinner with some of your closest people, and celebrate what you’ve meant to each other. You could even bring Valentine’s Day into the mix by giving each other sweet treats.

2. Plan a night out with others who have experienced a similar loss

When we experience a loss, finding a support group is incredibly important. One way to seek support is through getting to know others who have experienced a similar type of loss. Instead of staying at home alone, go out with others who are struggling, and together, focus on what’s good in life. An attitude of gratitude is valuable to everyone both mentally and emotionally, so look for the good!

3. Allow your children to pick an activity

If both you and your children are grieving this Valentine’s Day, ask them what they’d like to do for the day. It’s important to give children opportunities for healthy fun even in the midst of sorrow. They may want to go to dinner, the zoo, or a movie. Make sure to manage their expectations by letting them know what kind of budget you have. For example, we can go play putt-putt or eat dinner out, but not both.

4. Attend a group activity

Another opportunity to fill the evening is to attend a group activity – either with friends or with the intention of meeting new people. You could attend a club of some kind (book club, writing club, chess club, etc.), take part in a support group or a prayer group, go to or host a painting party, or see what’s going on in your local community.

5. Participate in random acts of kindness

Perhaps it would do your heart good to focus on others for the day. Random acts of kindness benefit you just as much as the other person. Some ideas to start you off: go ahead and give to the street performer or the homeless person; donate gently used items; leave a larger tip for the barista or server; bring in breakfast for your co-workers; give someone a compliment; or just smile at people. A simple smile brings a large measure of joy.

6. Volunteer

For some people, taking part in an activity is the most helpful course of action. If that’s the case for you, consider volunteering your time on Valentine’s Day. By focusing on others, you take the spotlight off your feelings of grief. Is there a local organization that you regularly volunteer with or one that you’ve been curious about? This is a great time to give it a try.

7. Send a card or flowers to someone

Even if you are grieving, you can offer a kind gesture to others. Rather than looking to receive a card and/or flowers and chocolate this year, choose someone to give to instead. Perhaps an elderly person living alone or in a care facility, a friend or loved one spending the holiday in the hospital, or someone who is also grieving the loss of a loved one.

8. Treat yourself

Grief is hard work. That’s why Valentine’s Day might be a good day to treat yourself to a little pampering. Go to a spa. Get a manicure or pedicure. Schedule time with a massage therapist. Or if these options just aren’t you, treat yourself to a favorite dessert or a hot beverage you rarely consume, get a new haircut, or buy a new pair of shoes. There are so many ways to care for your own needs.

9. Enjoy some animal therapy

If you love our four-legged friends, spend time receiving love and affection from them on Valentine’s Day. Check out what’s available in your area. For some, an equine therapy program is appealing. For others, a program that allows you to take dogs for walks, pet and play with cats, or just help out around the shelter is best. And, if you’re able, you could adopt a furry friend and give it a forever home.

10. Travel somewhere

A final way to reinvent the holiday is to inject a bit of excitement into it. Rather than sitting at home, plan a trip for yourself to a new place. Invite friends or go on your own. A change of scenery will be a nice change of pace and give you some relief from the difficult work of grief.

This Valentine’s Day, find a new way to view the day. Give to others. Pamper yourself. Spend time with friends and family or with animals. Or go on an adventure! No matter what you choose, the day doesn’t have to be gloomy and sad. Even if the loss of your loved one is still close to the surface, it’s okay to find little ways to experience joy in life. While your life will never be the same, it can be beautiful.

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