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christy.kessler

Dec 20
Love0
Woman sitting alone on couch, wrapped in gray blanket

Recognizing Unhealthy Coping Habits

By Grief/Loss

Losing someone you love can throw you off-balance and make you feel like you’re losing control of your life. This is completely normal in the early stages of grief. Whether you’re feeling sad, angry, guilty, numb – all of these are natural reactions to loss. However, the intensity of your grief should decrease over time, becoming less sharp, less overwhelming. Unfortunately, for some, grief can trigger or exacerbate unhealthy coping habits, leading to something called “negative coping.” When these habits are unaddressed or go on too long, they can seriously affect your ability to live a healthy life.

Woman laying in bed, having trouble sleeping

What is “Negative Coping”?

First, let’s look at negative coping, so you have a clear understanding of what it is and how to identify it.

Definition

While we all cope with grief and stress in our own ways, there are some habits that are destructive to a person’s health – both physical and emotional. “Negative coping” refers to any behavior that is used to avoid painful emotions or situations. These numbing actions provide momentary relief (“avoidance”), but they do not facilitate healing in any way.

Why is negative coping bad?

The biggest reason negative coping is so harmful is because it prevents you from dealing with your emotions in a healthy way. In a way, you get trapped in a cycle of avoidance. It’s too hard to deal with the emotions, so you numb yourself with other things. These other things aren’t necessarily bad on their own, but they can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. For example, it’s fine to enjoy a glass of wine or other alcoholic beverage now and then, but if you are leaning on alcohol to numb your feelings, there’s a problem.

How do I know when someone is participating in negative coping?

It can be hard to pinpoint because everyone experiences grief in a different way, but numbing activities are a good indicator. For example, if you know someone who has been watching TV a lot, that may not be a sign of negative coping. However, if that person is actively avoiding all other responsibilities, isolating themselves, and skipping work to watch TV (even months after the loss), then there’s cause for concern.

Now that you understand negative coping, let’s discuss 4 unhealthy coping habits to avoid.

Middle-aged woman sitting at her desk with laptop, glasses, and cup of tea nearby

4 Unhealthy Coping Habits to Avoid

Before we look at some of the more damaging unhealthy coping habits, it’s important to understand that any behavior can be unhealthy when it’s used incorrectly. For instance, if you spend too much money, eat too much food, sleep too much, or watch TV too much, you can develop an unhealthy habit around that behavior. It’s important to evaluate why you are doing it and what you are avoiding.

Here are some normal behaviors that can take on an unhealthy edge during times of loss:

  • Working long hours/staying busy
  • Focusing on the needs of your family only/ignoring yourself
  • Using food to numb your feelings
  • Forgetting self-care/hygiene
  • Sleeping too much
  • Allowing an activity to consume your life (working out, TV, video games, etc.)

While all of these are concerning, there are some coping habits that are particularly damaging to your physical and emotional health. Participating in these activities may end up harming you or someone else.

#1 – Living in Denial

While denial is a normal part of grief, it should pass relatively quickly. When you see a loved one’s body at the visitation, attend the service, or help scatter the ashes, these actions all help you accept the reality of the death. However, refusing to acknowledge reality or choosing to live in denial can be very harmful. This doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t believe the death occurred, but it does mean you’ve shut off your emotions. If you don’t come to some form of acceptance, it can lead to fewer meaningful connections and feeling trapped in an emotional purgatory. Without meaningful connections, the zest for life is lost, and you live the shadow of a life you could have.

Woman sitting alone on couch, wrapped in gray blanket

#2 – Choosing Isolation and Withdrawal

When things are hard, running away sometimes feels like a good idea. One way to run from dealing with your feelings is to withdraw and isolate. While this behavior may feel comforting in the moment, it leads to feelings of loneliness and a higher risk of mental health problems. When the grief feels like it’s ripping you apart, it is hard to engage with others, but it’s important that you do. You don’t have to become a social butterfly but let in the people who are closest to you. Be open and honest with those you trust and start to engage with your feelings. It will help, and you can balance your emotional needs.

#3 – Using Addictive Substances

Science tells us that some people are more likely than others to develop an addiction. Sometimes, an addiction starts from a desire to fit in with others, but often, it begins during times of great stress. Whether it’s alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs, the temptation to overuse addictive substances lies in their ability to help numb the emotions. We are looking for an external way to heal internal pain, but it’s only temporary. To truly heal, you have to confront the pain and deal with it. With this unhealthy habit, the effects can be far-reaching, including permanent damage to your body or even criminal charges.

Older man sitting alone at home, elbow on knee with hand to face

#4 – Engaging in High-Risk Behavior

Perhaps the most alarming unhealthy habit is engaging in high-risk behavior. This could include abusing alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs, but it refers to other things, too. It could mean compulsive spending, gambling, self-harm, reckless driving, getting into an unhealthy relationship, or unsafe sexual activity. These activities can have very real and long-lasting consequences, which makes them particularly harmful. For example, gambling can lead to extreme debt or reckless driving can lead to criminal charges. High-risk behavior is a very obvious indicator that someone is not processing their grief in a healthy way.

If you find yourself or a loved one participating in any of these harmful behaviors or you are simply having trouble finding a healthy balance in your life, it’s helpful to talk with someone – a trusted friend, a pastor, a church elder, a licensed counselor. Suppressing your feelings gets you to no place good, so even though it hurts, face them head on.

Renowned grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt puts it this way, “From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of people I have counseled over the years, I have learned that we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.”

man and woman sitting on couch, woman comforting man

How Can I Express My Pain in a Healthy Way?

Every person and every grief journey is unique, which means you have to figure out which healing actions work for you. However, there are many tried and true options that have been successful for a variety of people. Give different activities a try and see what works for you. For tips on healthy grieving habits, take a moment to read 10 Helpful Tips When Grieving a Loss, How Creativity Can Help You Deal with Loss, and 5 Benefits of a Grief Journal.

Grief is hard, and you may find yourself staggering from the loss. Even so, for your own sake, find a way to work through your emotions. Name them. Embrace them. And eventually, begin to heal from them. In the meantime, if you need help moving away from unhealthy coping habits, reach out to a grief therapist. They can help you do the work of grief and get on the road to healing.

Dec 06
Love0
Young woman sitting on couch, holding her stomach in pain

8 Physical Responses to Grief

By Grief/Loss

While we’re all familiar with the emotional aspects of grief – feeling sad, angry, shocked, relieved – the body can also respond physically to loss. For many people, the physical response often shows up as feeling extremely tired, but there are many other possible responses. Often, the more intense your emotional grief, the more likely you are to respond physically. We’re going to review 8 of those responses today, but first, let’s talk about what’s going on with your body.

young man sitting on couch with one hand on head and the other holding a glass of water

What’s Happening to My Body?

Every system of the body is connected in some way or another. That’s why the grief and stress you feel can begin to take a physical toll on your body. Just like work-related stress can begin to manifest in sleepless nights, headaches, racing thoughts, and heart palpitations, grief-related stress can do the same.

It will take time for your mind and emotions to come to grips with the loss you’ve suffered, and while you process your feelings, your body may also take a hit. The type of physical symptom you experience and its severity will vary from person to person. For some, the physical symptoms will include exhaustion and that’s it. For others, it might include exhaustion along with several other things.

Additionally, if you already have an existing physical condition, grief stress may exacerbate it. For example, if you have high blood pressure on a regular day, it may be harder to regulate while you’re experiencing deep grief. If you notice changes in a pre-existing condition, make sure to speak with your doctor and get the medical care you need.

For now, let’s take a look at 8 physical responses to grief that you may experience.

Woman laying face down on couch, feeling exhausted

1. Tiredness/Exhaustion

Tiredness and exhaustion are perhaps the most common physical responses to grief. Your thoughts and feelings, not to mention any crying, are sapping your energy. You may not feel like going about your normal daily activities and need naps throughout the day. This is completely normal. Make sure you take time to rest because pushing your body too hard can lead to lowered immunity and make you susceptible to getting sick.

2. Lowered Immunity

Speaking of the immune system, grief boosts your production of stress hormones, leading to more inflammation and increased risk of illness. Paired with fatigue, it’s not uncommon for people to catch a cold or get an infection during times of grief. In a 2014 research study, it was found that older adults experiencing grief, specifically the loss of a spouse, were particularly prone to infection. So, make sure you take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it.

Middle-aged man pinching the bridge of his nose as he deals with a headache

3. Brain Fog

Another common physical symptom, brain fog is your mind’s way of protecting you. As your body responds to grief – releasing stress hormones, feeling exhausted – your brain knows that you are becoming overwhelmed. Whether it’s helpful or not, your brain dulls a bit and tries to decrease the sharpness of your feelings. Brain fog typically goes away, usually after you’ve had a little time to process everything. For more information about brain fog, go to “Can Grief Make You Forget Things?”

4. Heart Health Concerns

Unfortunately, the release of stress hormones not only weakens the immune system, it also affects the cardiovascular system. One study found that the risk of heart attack increases 21-fold within 24 hours of a loved one’s death (and declines steadily each day after that). This is why there are instances when two family members may die in succession, like when Debbie Reynolds died of a heart-related complication just one day after her daughter, Carrie Fisher. If you experience chest pain, shortness of breath, or other symptoms, seek medical assistance right away.

Young woman sitting on couch, holding her stomach in pain

5. Digestive Issues & Weight Changes

When grief hits, it usually disrupts your normal eating habits, which can lead to digestive issues. Whether you’re dealing with constipation, diarrhea, stomach pain, or nausea, it could be related to changes in your routine, stress, or even anxiety. You may be eating out more, consuming junk food, binge eating, or skipping your regular exercise. In addition to affecting your digestion, these changes can affect your weight as well.

On the other hand, your response to stress may be to undereat rather than to overeat. If this is the case, then you may see weight loss occur. Plus, if you already have a sensitive stomach and carry stress there, you may see an increase in digestive issues when you’re grieving. Just remember, feed your body well and stay away from spicy, acidic, or exotic foods that may stress your system.

6. General Pain or Discomfort

Whether it’s feeling sick to your stomach or dealing with a migraine, your body may respond to grief stress with general pain and discomfort. Ranging from headaches, body aches, and muscle pain, to heaviness in the limbs or a racing heart, the symptoms vary from person to person. You can use over-the-counter pain meds, cold compresses, and other aids to help manage any discomfort, but if you are concerned, seek out a doctor to get a full diagnosis.

Drowsy woman sitting at desk with a cup of coffee, trying to stay awake

7. Sleeping Issues

Sleep is essential when your body is in distress, but it needs to be a healthy balance. For some, insomnia becomes an issue, while for others, oversleeping becomes a concern. Getting too much or too little sleep can sap your energy, decrease your cognitive functioning, and slow down recovery. The first few days, you may sleep more, but after that, try to get yourself back on a normal routine. Your body will eventually bounce back, and your energy will return. For more tips, read “Sleeping Tips for the Grieving.”

8. Dehydration

Crying is a natural response to grief and loss, but it can also lead to dehydration or dry mouth. Don’t try to stifle your crying – let it all out – but do make sure that you are staying hydrated. With everything going on, your body needs extra liquids to maintain a healthy balance. If you can, limit alcohol and caffeinated drinks and focus on getting your electrolytes.

While this list is fairly comprehensive, you may experience something not listed here. Don’t panic. Instead, if you become concerned, make an appointment with your doctor. They can help settle your fears, or if needed, properly diagnose you. We’ve all Googled symptoms before, and it’s rarely helpful. Get with a professional so they can help you feel better faster.

Husband checking on wife as she holds a hand to her chest

How Long Do Physical Symptoms Last?

In short, it depends. For the majority of people, the strength of grief lessens over time, and the sharpness subsides. And certainly, it’s not long before your body stops releasing so many stress hormones. Much of the time, physical symptoms subside within a few days to a few months. However, if the symptoms intensify or don’t resolve within 6-8 months, it’s time to speak with a therapist or a doctor.

If physical symptoms are present for so long, complicated grief becomes a concern. With complicated grief, your feelings intensify over time, the loss takes center stage in your life, and there are feelings of intense sorrow and a tendency to withdraw and isolate. Should it get to this point, it’s best to seek out professional help because it’s gone beyond something you can tackle on your own. To learn more about complicated grief, go to “What is Complicated Grief?”

Tips for Coping with the Physical Symptoms of Grief

Before we look at a few suggestions for coping with grief, it’s important to remember that grief feelings aren’t always associated with the death of a person. It could be receiving a serious diagnosis, losing a job, ending a relationship or friendship, experiencing financial difficulty, or living through a natural disaster.

Man walking his dog around the neighborhood, getting outside

Regardless of the source of your grief, here are a few tips to help you take care of your body through the grieving process:

  • Exercise regularly
  • Stay hydrated
  • Eat healthy foods daily
  • Get enough sleep
  • Go outside
  • Take over-the-counter meds, as needed

In the early days, it may be difficult to think about self-care. To make things simple, just take each day as it comes, incorporating these practices as best you can. Over time, as you process your feelings and do the work of grief, you will find a way to move forward and enjoy life again.

Nov 23
Love0
Beautiful spread of ingredients to bake a cake

Gravestone Recipes: Adding a Sweet Touch to a Memorial Marker

By Cemeteries, Explore Options, Memorial, Planning Tools

When planning a loved one’s funeral or memorial services, personalization is key to creating an event that is both healing and meaningful. The same is true when you’re considering what to include on a memorial marker (e.g., headstone, grave marker, etc.). But thankfully, there are a lot of ways to personalize a memorial marker, and one of them is bringing joy to people! What is it? Gravestone recipes!

What are Gravestone Recipes?

Memorial markers generally include the name, birth date, and death date of the person who has died. Often, the memorial marker also includes an inscription, like a sweet sentiment or kind phrase. However, some families have taken to personalizing the inscription in a new way – adding the recipe for that person’s most well-known dish.

Let’s look at a few examples!

Mom and adult daughter making cookies in the kitchen together, daughter learning from mother

Naomi’s Spritz Cookies

At a cemetery in Brooklyn, NY, Naomi Miller-Dawson’s memorial marker bears the recipe for her spritz cookies. While the memorial marker includes the ingredient list and no instructions, you can use the traditional method for spritz cookies to give you a good start on how to bake the cookies.

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup butter or margarine⁠
  • 3/4 cup sugar⁠
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla⁠
  • 1 egg⁠
  • 2 1/4 cups flour⁠
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking powder⁠
  • 1/8 teaspoon salt

Kay’s Fudge

Before her death, Kay Andrews of Logan, UT, requested that her memorial marker include her go-to fudge recipe. A woman of encouragement, she often took fudge to friends and family as a gift of love and support. Thankfully, Kay’s family honored her request, and now, we all get to enjoy Kay’s fudge and remember her for her kindness.

Ingredients:

  • 2 squares chocolate
  • 2 tablespoons butter
  • 1 cup milk
  • 3 cups white granulated sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • Pinch of salt

Directions:

  1. Melt chocolate squares with butter on low heat.
  2. Stir in milk until incorporated and bubbling.
  3. Sift in sugar and salt.
  4. Add vanilla and stir.
  5. Continue stirring overheat until the mixture reaches 273 degrees F.
  6. Remove from heat and pour onto a marble slab.
  7. Chill for 3 hours or overnight.
  8. Cut and serve.

Mother and young daughter baking together, making memories

Mom’s Christmas Cookies

In Cascade, IA, a sweet remembrance marks the final resting place of Maxine Menster. When her husband and daughter wanted to add something special to Maxine’s memorial marker, they both thought of her cookies. Handed down through generations of family, Maxine made them every Christmas, leaving her home filled with the smell of freshly baked cookies and her family with precious memories.

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup sugar
  • ½ cup oleo (margarine)
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
  • 3 cups flour
  • 3 teaspoons baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup cream

Directions:

  1. Cream the sugar and oleo.
  2. Add two beaten eggs and vanilla to the mixture.
  3. Mix flour, baking powder, and salt into separate bowl.
  4. Add dry ingredients to wet ingredient alternately with 1 cup cream.
  5. Chill and roll out with flour.
  6. Bake 350 degrees oven and frost.

Father and adult daughter making homemade bread together

Connie’s Date & Nut Bread

For registered nurse Constance Galberd, date & nut bread must have been an important part of saying she cared. Mother of three, Connie died in 2008 and was buried in Highland Mills, NY. While it might have seemed a small remembrance, who can really say how many people have been blessed by her date & nut bread long after her passing? It’s a personalization that keeps bringing joy even today!

Ingredients:

  • 8 ounces dates, cut into small pieces
  • 1 cup raisins
  • 2 cups boiling water
  • 2 teaspoons baking soda
  • 1 1/2 cups sugar
  • 2 eggs, well beaten
  • 4 cups flour
  • 2 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 cup chopped nuts

Directions:

  1. Pour boiling water (where 2 teaspoons of baking soda have been dissolved) over dates and raisins. Cool.
  2. Add 1 1/2 cups sugar and mix well.
  3. Add 2 eggs, well beaten.
  4. Gradually mix in 4 cups of flour and 2 teaspoons of baking powder. Beat thoroughly.
  5. Add 1/2 cup of chopped nuts. Beat thoroughly.
  6. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes to one hour.
  7. Bake in tin cans (one batch = 13 cans)*

*During the Great Depression (1929-1939), families often baked with tin cans. You can make this recipe using a regular loaf pan.

Father and young daughter baking together, holding a heart made of dough in their hands

What a Sweet Personalization

In so many ways, food is an integral part of many of our core memories. Grandma’s special cake. Dad’s famous BBQ. The family-famous trimmings that only come out at Thanksgiving or Christmas. We all have these special foods in our lives, and a lot of times, they are associated with a special person.

If you are looking for a sweet way to personalize the memorial marker of someone who loved spending time in the kitchen, a gravestone recipe inscription might be a good fit. That way, you and so many others can celebrate and appreciate your loved one’s life for years to come.

If you’d like more inspiration for personalizing a memorial marker, go 6 Ways to Personalize a Memorial Marker for ideas!

Nov 21
Love0
Anatomy of a Man by Leonardo da Vinci who studied the body in Middle Ages Europe

The Strange & Unusual History of Embalming

By History of Funerals

It’s always fascinating to delve into the history of a particular practice, event, or even where certain phrases and idioms originated. The same is true of embalming, where you definitely find the strange and unusual lurking amidst the intriguing. Let’s take a look!

Ancient Origins

Perhaps the most famous ancient example of embalming comes from Egypt. With so many artifacts and written records, historians have a strong understanding of the role of embalming in the ancient civilization’s funeral rituals. Closely tied to beliefs about the afterlife, embalming was a must for just about everyone, though we really only hear about it in relation to royalty and the wealthy.

Ancient Egyptian tomb and sarcophagus

However, preservation of the dead also occurred in other areas of the ancient world. Ethiopia, Peru, China, Tibet, and the Canary Islands all practiced various forms of mummification. The Persians and Babylonians, among others, preserved the body by immersing it in honey or wax. Each culture had different reasons for embracing embalming, but for many, it related to cultural or religious beliefs.

Scientific Advancements in Europe

While many civilizations practiced embalming around the world, many of the significant scientific advances that affected modern embalming occurred in Europe. Let’s look at a few key breakthroughs.

With its largely Christian population, embalming in Europe wasn’t practiced for religious reasons. In fact, it was mainly attempted for scientific and medical research. More people were interested in understanding the body’s anatomy and how it functioned, so early scientists worked to perfect embalming as a means of preserving the body for study.

Anatomy of a Man by Leonardo da Vinci who studied the body in Middle Ages Europe

There were varying degrees of success. Eventually, through the independent work of Frederick Ruysch, William Harvey, Jean Gannal, and William Hunter, scientists discovered a successful way to adopt arterial injection as a means of preservation. This practice continues to this day.

In the early days, arsenic was used as a preservation agent. However, in 1859, Russian chemist Alexander Butlerov first synthesized formaldehyde, which eventually replaced arsenic as the main preservation chemical.

Embalming’s Role in the End of the Body Snatching Era

A strange moment in embalming’s history relates to the body snatching era, commonly associated with the UK because of two infamous body snatchers, William Burke and William Hare. In the 18th and 19th centuries, there was a shortage of legally acquired bodies to dissect and study. At the time, anatomists could only use the bodies of convicted criminals for study, and without proper preservation, the bodies became unusable after a short period of time. Thus, the body snatching era was born!

Because there weren’t enough legal bodies to supply all of the doctors and medical schools working on understanding anatomy, a black market opportunity arose. “Resurrectionists” or “body snatchers” began to steal newly buried bodies and sell them. It was a lucrative business, though it caused much pain and suffering for surviving family members. To combat against body snatching, some families even hired guards or installed metal crates or gates to protect the grave of a loved one. To learn more about Victorian funeral customs, click here.

At the time, a dead body was not considered anyone’s “property,” which is why its removal was often only a misdemeanor. However, dissecting an illegally acquired corpse came with heavier consequences. This meant that both the body snatchers and the medical professionals would face consequences if discovered.

Image of London's Old Ben in an aged yellow color

Where does embalming fit in?

Well, two things occurred to end the reign of body snatching.

First, the Anatomy Act of 1832 allowed for the legal donation of unclaimed bodies as well as donating your own body to medical research. This meant that hospitals and medical schools had better access to subjects. Additionally, doctors and anatomy teachers were required to obtain a license that allowed them to dissect donated cadavers.

Second, in the 1880s, embalming was introduced as a method for preserving bodies for medical research. This had a huge impact because it meant that a cadaver could be studied for months rather than mere days. Together, these two changes effectively ended the body snatching era.

The Rise of Embalming in the United States

While embalming for medical study did exist, it wasn’t until Abraham Lincoln’s death that it became a widely accepted practice for funerals. Following his assassination, Abraham Lincoln’s body was embalmed, and he laid in state in several key cities before journeying to his final resting place. During this period, he was viewed by thousands of citizens who remarked on his lifelike appearance. For many, it was the first time they’d seen an embalmed body, and not long after, the practice gained popularity.

Even before Lincoln’s death, embalming was used during the American Civil War. Many soldiers on both sides of the conflict died far from home. For those who could afford it, embalming provided a way to bring a loved one’s body home in decent shape for burial. It wasn’t widely used – estimates state that only about 40,000 soldiers were embalmed out of the 600,000+ who died.

close-up of Abraham Lincoln's sculpture at Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.

With embalming’s sudden popularity, laws were enacted to ensure that only properly licensed embalmers could offer their services. Additionally, because embalming was regulated, families who wanted to use embalming could not do it themselves. Now, funeral professionals were needed to complete embalming, and thus, the role of the funeral professional changed drastically.

Embalming Today

Perhaps the most impactful result of embalming was the birth of the funeral industry as we know it. At first, surgeons completed the embalming process. However, when embalming grew in prominence, the need for skilled workers grew, creating new professional jobs like embalmers, funeral directors, morticians, and more. Many family-owned funeral homes got their start as furniture makers, having built coffins for the community, and when funerals changed, they changed with it.

As for embalming itself, the technique has not changed much since the 1860s. However, the type of preservative fluid used has changed over time. In the 1860s, arsenic was used in embalming fluid. It was eventually replaced with formaldehyde (still the most common today). In addition to formaldehyde, some funeral homes now offer green embalming, which involves using an embalming fluid made from non-toxic chemicals and essential oils.

"Did You Know" image

Interesting History Facts

Before you go, here are some interesting facts about embalming and its unusual history. Fact is often stranger than fiction, right?

  • Before modern embalming, various preservatives were used to minimize decomposition. For example, some would pickle the body in vinegar, wine, brandy, or other strong spirits. Honey, wax, and spices were also utilized.
  • Originating with the Egyptians around 2600 BCE, embalming is considered “one of humankind’s longest practiced arts.”
  • Over a 3,000-year period, it is estimated that Egypt mummified at least 70 million bodies.
  • Leonardo da Vinci produced hundreds of anatomical plates. More than likely, he used some form of arterial injection to preserve his subjects. His notes indicate that he tried embalming fluid recipes that included camphor, turpentine, lavender oil, vermilion, rosin, wine, potassium nitrate, and sodium nitrate.
  • Body snatching occurred in the United States, with Baltimore serving as a kind of center for the activity.
  • Until the 20th century, arsenic was used in embalming fluid. It was later replaced after the discovery of formaldehyde.
  • Abraham Lincoln was the first president to be embalmed.
  • Thomas Holmes is considered the father of modern-day embalming. After Abraham Lincoln’s close friend, Colonel Elmer Ellsworth, was killed in Virginia, Dr. Holmes embalmed his body at the president’s request. Holmes would later go on to embalm both Lincoln’s 12-year-old son Willie and the president himself.
Nov 03
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Woman choosing a color from a color wheel

Using Color to Personalize a Service

By Meaningful Funerals, Personalization, Plan Ahead, Planning Tools

Creating a personalized funeral or memorial service is the first step toward finding the healing and reconciliation you need after a loss. Why? Because if the service details truly reflect the hobbies, interests, personality, and quirks of the person who has died, then it feels like a true tribute – something with meaning, purpose, and poignancy. Using color can be a simple way to uniquely personalize a service – let’s look at a few examples.

4 Simple Ways to Use Color to Personalize a Service

While the color black has traditionally been associated with mourning in the western world, it’s not a hard and fast rule. In fact, in other areas of the world, white, red, purple, gray, and even gold are considered colors of mourning. With the increase in personalized services, it’s become much more accepted to use different colors, especially if that color has special significance.

Beautiful pink tulips

1. Select Specific Flowers

If you are decorating with flowers or accepting flowers as sympathy gifts, you could request a specific color. To be the most meaningful, select a color that is special in some way – either to you or to the one who has died. Or, if the deceased person loved pumpkins, succulents, or even tiny cactus plants, you could encourage well-wishers to give those, instead. Imagine how sweet it would look and feel to see a loved one’s service filled with the color that brought them so much joy in life.

Decorating with seashells and the color ivory

2. Decorate with Intentionality

Another option for using color to personalize is by choosing your decorations intentionally. If you choose to focus on a specific color, you can use it in a multitude of places. For example, you could display photo frames in that color. At the gathering or visitation, use tablecloths or centerpieces in that color. Place themed decorations on memorial tables. Provide a keepsake to mourners that showcases the theme color. The options are endless. Think on what the person loved and use that information to create something one-of-a-kind.

Four men wearing matching polka dot socks

3. Request that Mourners Wear a Certain Color

Perhaps one of the easiest ways to incorporate color into a service is to ask mourners to wear it. This way, when people attend the service, there’s a sea of pink, green, orange in honor of your loved one. If you’d rather focus on a theme than a color, you can. For instance, you could ask that mourners wear a certain team’s jersey, Star Wars gear, something with unicorns, or whatever is most appropriate. You can include the color/theme when you announce service details, whether that’s through the funeral home or a personal announcement on social media.

Bright green casket

4. Customize the Urn or Casket

Urns today come in many shapes, sizes, and hues. If you plan to have a memorial service after cremation, you can select an urn of a specific color. Simply speak with your trusted funeral home or go online to review your urn options.

As for caskets, there are a few different personalization options. First, you could request a certain color for the casket lining and pillow top. Second, you could customize the casket itself. Rather than selecting one of the standard colors or wood types, you could commission a casket of any color. Third, you can ask that the interior or cap panel (the rectangle of space just above the deceased when the casket is open) be customized. You could select a specific hue, or alternatively, some funeral homes can place a photo in this space.

If any of these options appeal to you, contact your trusted funeral home. They will help you get the answers you need.

What If I Don’t Know What Color to Choose?

If a color doesn’t immediately come to mind, that’s okay. You can either personalize the service in other ways, or you could even choose a color based on its meaning.

Woman choosing a color from a color wheel

  • Red – Energy, passion, strength, love, sincerity
  • Pink – Love and romance, caring, tenderness, acceptance
  • Beige – Calm and simplicity
  • Ivory – Quietness and pleasantness
  • Yellow – Joy, happiness, imagination, hope, friendship
  • Blue – Peace, tranquility, trust, harmony, loyalty
  • Purple – Spirituality, transformation, wisdom, honor
  • Lavender – Femininity, grace, elegance
  • Orange – Enthusiasm, warmth, vibrancy
  • Green – Renewal, generosity, service
  • Brown – Stability, hearth & home, comfort, reliability
  • Gray – Security, intelligence, dignity, modesty
  • White – Purity, peace, innocence, goodness

Ultimately, color is just one option for creating a meaningful service. Whether you are planning ahead for your own funeral wishes or are planning a loved one’s services, you have options. If you have a specific idea of what you’d like to do or you need a little help, your local funeral home can help. They can brainstorm with you, offer ideas and solutions, and help you create a tribute that feels right and good.

If you’d like to learn about other ways you can customize a service to create something truly unique, go to Practical Ways to Personalize the 7 Elements of a Funeral for inspiration.

Oct 14
Love0
Cover of a casket with a white rose laid on top

Understanding Embalming & Your Options

By Planning Tools

Embalming may not be something you’ve given much thought to – other than a mild interest in Ancient Egyptian mummification practices. Thankfully, embalming today is much less complicated than in Ancient Egypt, but it’s still a process. Let’s take a moment to dive into what embalming is, the process behind it, and what your options are when embalming makes the most sense for your funeral planning needs.

man and woman at funeral, his arm around her shoulder in a comforting way

What is embalming?

Warning: There are a few squeamish details here, so be prepared or skip to the next section.

Following the Civil War (1861-1865) and the death of Abraham Lincoln, embalming became widely accepted in the United States. After seeing how lifelike Abraham Lincoln appeared during his lying in state period, people all across the nation selected embalming after death. This widespread approval led to the practice becoming a cultural norm, which continues to this day.

But how does embalming work? Well, embalming occurs in stages. Let’s do a quick (and abbreviated) rundown.

Stage 1

The body is disinfected and prepared (this includes massaging stiffening joints, shaving, sewing the jaw shut, etc.)

Stage 2

After the body is prepared, small incisions are made and the blood is replaced with a solution that preserves the body for a period of time.

Stage 3

After the blood is replaced, the body cavities must be embalmed as well. This includes allowing any gas or fluid contents to drain from the organs and the abdomen.

Stage 4

Now that the body is fully embalmed, the cosmetic part of the process begins (washing the hair and body, applying make-up and clothing, etc.).

Once these stages are complete, the body is ready for a viewing or visitation, depending on what the family has planned for final services.

Why do we embalm?

Different people have different reasons for choosing embalming, and ultimately, it comes down to personal choice. For some, embalming and seeing the person who has died is an essential part of the grieving process. Let’s look at a few reasons why people choose embalming.

  1. You want to have a funeral service with an open casket.
  2. You want to give far-away family members time to travel to the location of the service, so embalming will preserve the body for a longer period of time.
  3. The body needs to travel a great distance for burial (like in a national cemetery or in another state).
  4. You want to donate your body to medical research.
  5. You want to see the person you love one last time. For some people, when tragic accidents occur, it’s important to have a chance to see the body one final time. Also, it’s during the embalming process that any restorative work occurs, to repair any physical damage incurred by the cause of death.

If any of these ring true for you, then embalming may be the right choice for your needs.

Woman dressed in black standing next to casket with one hand on the casket and the other holding white lilies

What are my embalming options?

Whether you are planning ahead for your funeral wishes or planning a funeral for a loved one, it’s always beneficial to understand your options. If your family would like to have a viewing or visitation that will allow friends and family to see the deceased person one final time, then embalming is a good route for you.

It will ensure that the body is in good condition for whatever services are planned to honor the person’s life and allow the living to say their goodbyes. Currently, there are two options available for embalming: traditional embalming and green embalming. Let’s talk about each one in turn.

Traditional Embalming

With traditional embalming, a formaldehyde-based solution replaces the blood, acting as a preservative. It helps restore the skin’s natural color and appearance. This type of embalming is available widespread as it has been a common practice for more than 100 years. With traditional embalming, burial at most cemeteries is possible. The only ones that do not allow this form of embalming are green or natural cemeteries.

Green Embalming

As an alternative to the formaldehyde-based solution, some funeral homes now offer green embalming. Essentially, the process is the same, but the solution consists of non-toxic chemicals and plant-derived essential oils. While its effects do not last as long as traditional embalming, it still restores the body’s natural coloring and appearance. All cemeteries, including green or natural cemeteries, accept green embalming.

Cover of a casket with a white rose laid on top

Is embalming required?

In most cases, embalming is not required. In fact, it’s often only absolutely necessary in special cases. For example, officials may require embalming when a body needs to cross state lines or moves from one place to another via public transportation (like on an airplane).

For the most part, embalming is a choice, and families select it because they want the body to be present for the meaningful services they have planned.

Keep in Mind

Before we go, keep in mind that green embalming is fairly new. Not all funeral homes offer it at this time. If having a more eco-friendly option is important to you, the best thing to do is contact your local funeral home and see what they offer. Then, you can make the decision that makes the most sense for your family and your needs.

Oct 06
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View of ruins of Ancient Greece with beautiful, dark cloudy sky

5 Ancient Greek Funeral Customs You May (or May Not) Recognize

By History of Funerals

The funeral ritual…is a public, traditional, and symbolic means of expressing our beliefs, thoughts, and feelings about the death of someone loved. – Dr. Alan Wolfelt

Since the beginning of time, human beings have honored the lives of people they love and respect. From RIP social media posts to attending a visitation or funeral service, we all feel the need to acknowledge the lives of others in a meaningful way. Unsurprisingly, the ancient Greeks felt the same. But what IS surprising is how similar some of their funeral customs are to what we practice today. Let’s take a look!

5 Ancient Greek Funeral Customs You May (or May Not) Recognize

While some funeral customs evolved and changed over their long history, the Ancient Greeks were consistent in their desire to ensure that every human being received proper burial rites. In fact, to deny someone the dignity of a final tribute was an intentional insult and could affect their ability to make a peaceful transition to the afterlife. While we no longer hold the same cultural or religious beliefs as the Ancient Greeks, we do still honor the dead in similar ways.

View of ruins of Ancient Greece with beautiful, dark cloudy sky

#1 – Prothesis (Preparation of the Body and Viewing)

Immediately after death, the first step in the process was to prepare the deceased’s body for viewing. Today, this process is completed by funeral professionals, but in Ancient Greece, female relatives prepared the body. These women:

  • Washed the body
  • Anointed it with oil
  • Placed a wreath on the chest
  • Sealed a coin in the mouth or placed them on the eyes (to pay for passage to the afterlife)
  • Dressed the person in clothing appropriate to their status (armor for a soldier, wedding dress for a newlywed, etc.)
  • Sang songs of mourning and lament as they prepared the body

Preparation was typically completed in one day. On the second day, the body was placed on a bed in the home and covered with a funeral shroud. Then, family and friends were allowed to stop by to mourn and pay their respects. During the viewing, either female relatives or professional mourners led a formalized lament.

Top of a white column in a Grecian style

#2 – Ekphora (Funeral Procession)

Before dawn on the third day, the body was removed from its place of honor in the home and either placed in a horse-drawn carriage or carried by pallbearers to the final resting place. Along the way to the cemetery, the ekphora (funeral procession) grew in number as more and more people joined the line of mourners. Often, singers and musicians walked alongside friends and family. Together, they expressed themselves through mournful songs and physical expressions of grief (like tearing of the clothing).

Once the procession reached the cemetery, the body was placed in an elaborately carved box, which was then either buried or burned on a funeral pyre. At this time, a eulogy was usually given to commemorate the person’s life.

Funeral processions are still a common practice today. In many places, drivers stop their vehicles to allow the funeral procession to pass without difficulty – a small way to honor life and pay respects to the person who has died.

#3 Perideipnon (Post-Funeral Gathering)

After the death of a loved one, it’s important to spend time together, share stories, reminisce, and draw comfort from each other. As human beings, we often do this around food.

In Ancient Greece, following the burial, it was customary for the women to return home and prepare a banquet in honor of the deceased. The men would stay behind at the gravesite and place a stele (monument) over the grave. The feast not only honored the person who died, it was also a way to bring people together and to thank those who came to pay their respects.

At many funeral or memorial services today, a meal is included – often called a gathering – where people are encouraged to talk, laugh, and share. It’s a time to support each other, to listen, and to remember the person who has died through the sharing of cherished memories.

Statues of women acting as columns on an Ancient Greek structure

#4 Acts of Remembrance

It’s so important to take part in acts of remembrance after a loved one dies. These acts give you a way to physically engage with your feelings, which in turn, helps you express them, rather than bottle them up.

In Ancient Greece, they:

  • Erected tombs, installed grave markers, or created marble statues
  • Included an epitaph in memory of the deceased
  • Visited the graveside on the 3rd, 9th, 13th, and 30th day after death
  • Conducted memorial services at 40 days as well as at 3, 6, 9, and 12 months
  • Prayed at the grave or sang songs of lament
  • Decorated the grave with ribbons or flowers and some even left offerings of oil, wine, or food
  • Placed mementos around the grave that were important to the deceased

Do some of these sound familiar to you?

While statues and tombs are less common now, grave markers and meaningful epitaphs are still widespread. We conduct services to honor a loved one’s life, though the practice has become more concentrated rather than spread over time. It’s not uncommon to see coins, flowers, or stuffed animals left at a graveside in remembrance. And some families or cultures participate in decorating the grave (a famous example is the Day of the Dead).

Ruins of an Ancient Greek temple against a blue sky

#5 A Mix of Burial and Cremation

While pop culture and movies often associate cremation with Ancient Greece, burial was just as prevalent, if not more so. Beginning around 3000 B.C, burial was the chosen final disposition (except in Athens), but around 1100 B.C., cremation on a funeral pyre began to appear. Eventually, the two existed together as options for families until the rise of Christianity made burial more popular again.

Today, we see this same paradigm in our own world. Some families choose burial and others choose cremation. Both are great options, depending on the family’s needs and wants. Thankfully, no matter which option is chosen, the family can still honor and celebrate life with a personalized service.

Looking back at Ancient Greek funeral customs just reinforces the importance of a final tribute. No matter what culture or year you look at, honoring life and individual people is valuable and important.

Oct 04
Love0
Well-kept headstones with flags and roses in a green national veteran cemetery

Top 4 Misunderstandings Around Veterans’ Burial Benefits

By Veterans

In a survey initiated by the Department of Veterans Affairs, it was found that more than 30% of veterans didn’t know the eligibility requirements for burial in a national cemetery. In that same survey, more than 60% of veterans didn’t know the full range of life insurance benefits available to them. What does this mean? While the VA provides many amazing services to veterans, there’s so much available that it’s hard to effectively communicate and spread the word. Veterans’ burial benefits are no exception. So, today, let’s review 4 of the most common misunderstandings about veterans’ burial benefits and set the record straight.

Ceremonial folding of the flag at veteran funeral

Misunderstanding #1:
After my death, all my spouse has to do is call the funeral home, and they will take care of everything.

As nice as it would be, one phone call isn’t going to be enough if you haven’t prepared in advance. Whether it’s planning a wedding, buying a house, or making funeral arrangements, many of the big events in life take time and coordination to put together. That’s why it’s so necessary to prepare ahead of time.

By taking time now to talk with the VA or the funeral home, you can preplan everything. If you do so, you can more easily ensure that all your spouse has to do is make a phone call. To get started, contact your preferred funeral home and ask them what documentation you need from the VA. Because of their experience with assisting other veterans, they can help you get all your ducks in a row.

Misunderstanding #2:
The VA will pay for my funeral entirely. (Or, the VA won’t pay for anything at all.)

The VA does provide burial benefits to eligible veterans, but they do not pay for everything. Burial and plot allowances assist the grieving family with funeral expenses, but they do not cover the full cost of a funeral.

Here’s what your family can expect to receive (if you are eligible and choose to apply):

Burial and plot allowances provide financial assistance to help your family offset the cost of 1) burial or cremation expenses, 2) plots costs, and 3) transportation costs. Your family receives these allowances as a reimbursement. Therefore, your family will pay for the funeral upfront and then receive partial compensation.

Make sure your family knows to keep all receipts. They will submit these receipts to the VA, who will review all documentation and provide the appropriate reimbursement.

Well-kept headstones with flags and roses in a green national veteran cemetery

Misunderstanding #3:
Veterans don’t receive anything if they are buried in a private cemetery.

Just like anyone else, you get to choose your final resting place. As a veteran, if you choose a cemetery, you have three options: interment or inurnment at a national veteran cemetery, state veteran cemetery, or private cemetery. However, keep in mind, your veteran burial benefits will change depending on which cemetery option you select. Let’s go over each one briefly.

National Veteran Cemetery

At a national veteran cemetery, the VA completely covers the cost of burial. The National Cemetery Administration will work with the family and the funeral home to ensure that everything is coordinated correctly. Interment or inurnment includes plot/niche, opening and closing of the grave, perpetual care, headstone or marker, burial flag, military honors, and Presidential Memorial Certificate.

While burial is free, national veteran cemeteries have limited space. Unfortunately, you cannot secure a plot in a specific national cemetery, but you can complete all the eligibility paperwork ahead of time. By doing this now, you will make the burial process easier for your family in the future. For more information, contact your preferred funeral home or click here to visit the VA website.

State Veteran Cemetery

While similar to a national veteran cemetery in many ways, state veteran cemeteries are run by individual states and subject to their specific laws and regulations. The VA will still provide a headstone or marker, burial flag, military honors, and Presidential Memorial Certificate, but it’s up to each state whether interment or inurnment is free. In many cases, burial is free or comes with a small charge. Additionally, it’s important to note that the cost of transporting the body to the cemetery may fall to the family.

Since there are differences from state to state, it’s always a good idea to work with the cemetery directly or coordinate through your preferred funeral home.

Private Cemetery

By far, most veterans choose burial in a private cemetery. Even so, they are eligible to receive certain burial benefits. The biggest difference with a private cemetery is that the family is taking on the full financial responsibility of burial. Because of that, they are eligible to request burial and plot allowances to assist with the overall cost. Additionally, just like veteran cemeteries, they can request military honors, burial flag, Presidential Memorial Certificate, and government-issued headstone or medallion…free of charge.

To apply for burial and plot allowance reimbursements, keep all receipts and submit them to the VA. Your preferred funeral home has done this many times and can walk you through the process.

Also, in case you didn’t know, there are local Veterans Service Offices located across every state, and they are an excellent resource. To see which locations are nearest you, click here. You can call or make an appointment to speak to a Veterans Service Officer, who can walk you through a discussion of your benefits.

Image of honorable discharge certificate

Misunderstanding #4:
The funeral home can order my DD 214 after death, and it will be fine.

If you want to access your VA burial benefits, the DD 214 is a must. Without it, nothing is going to move forward. That said, it’s best if you order this essential form ahead of time and place it in your personal records (and give a copy to your funeral home of choice). If you wait, it can take days (worst case scenario: weeks) before the form gets to your family. Not having this form could delay any benefits, including burial at a veteran cemetery. When your family is grieving, the last thing they need is extra complications, so take time now to order your DD 214. Click here to go to the VA’s website for instructions on how to request this important documentation.

What’s Next?

Now that we have these 4 misunderstandings cleared up, it’s time to take action. For some, that might mean ordering your DD 214 so that it’s ready. For others, it might mean planning ahead for your funeral wishes so you can complete the eligibility process for a plot at a national cemetery. No matter what the right next step is for you, your preferred funeral home can walk alongside you throughout the journey. Remember, they have assisted countless veterans over the years. They know exactly what needs to be done.

Sep 23
Love0
Two large rocks laying in grass with encouraging gratitude sayings written on them

Is Grief Stealing Your Joy & Thankfulness?

By Grief/Loss

Grief seems to have a mind of its own sometimes. At the most unexpected and inconvenient moments, it shows up unannounced. You may be having dinner with family, walking down the grocery store aisle, or simply taking a walk around your neighborhood. Right now, your world may feel colored in blues and grays. Your heart focused on the pain you feel and not on the things you have to be grateful for. That’s okay. Grief can feel overwhelming, and for a time, it may feel like it’s stealing your joy and thankfulness.

Just remember these three things as you work through the complex emotions of grief:

  1. Grief takes a different path with everyone.
  2. Grief is the result of deep love.
  3. Grief won’t steal your joy and thankfulness forever.

Person walking on a wooden walkway in a park, focused on the person's calves and shoes

Grief Takes a Different Path with Everyone

Did you know that grief manifests differently for every person? For example, your grief may include anger and sadness. For someone else, it may bring guilt and a deep sense of regret. In short, don’t feel like something is wrong if grief is stealing your joy because that’s just part of the process for you. Instead, acknowledge your feelings, accept them, and then begin to actively work through your grief. Taking intentional time to practice thankfulness can help, even when you don’t feel like it.

For helpful information on how to practice gratitude, go to Nature & Your Grief Journey or Practicing Remembrance & Gratitude During Times of Grief. It’s not going to happen overnight, but as you sort through your emotions, your view of the world will get lighter and lighter until you can see the silver lining again.

Two people holding hands by hooking pinkies together

Grief is the Result of Caring

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, nationally recognized grief counselor and educator, has found that grief is not a universal experience. In many ways, grief is closely related to care or even love. If you don’t care about something, then you won’t grieve it. Sometimes, the care is positive – like love for a spouse. Other times, the care is associated with a negative experience – like wishing you’d had a better relationship with a parent or sibling. Both situations will elicit feelings of grief for very different reasons, but both are because, at some level, you cared or loved.

Dr. Wolfelt says:

“Love inevitably leads to grief. You see, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not – and cannot – exist without the other. People sometimes say that grief is the price we pay for the joy of having loved. This also means that grief is not a universal experience. Grief is predicated on our capacity to give and receive love. Some people choose not to love, and so, never grieve. If we allow ourselves the grace that comes with love, however, we must allow ourselves the grace that is required to mourn.”

Knowing that your grief is tied to your complex, emotional feelings about a particular person doesn’t make the process any easier. But, in a way, it is comforting. What you’re feeling is natural and normal. Even if the relationship was not wholly positive, try not to suppress what you feel. Instead, find healthy ways to engage with your feelings and give yourself permission to grieve.

Two large rocks laying in grass with encouraging gratitude sayings written on them

Grief Won’t Steal Your Joy & Thankfulness Forever

It doesn’t feel like it right now, but grief won’t color your world so vividly forever. Will you always miss the person who has died? Absolutely, no question. Will you “get over” the loss? In many ways, you won’t. There will be moments throughout your life when grief may show up again. Can you find a way to move forward? Yes, there is hope after loss.

While time doesn’t heal wounds, it does give you the space you need to work through your grief. Right after a loss, the pain is at its sharpest. Over time, its sting does lessen and occurs less frequently. Taking time to sit with your pain, to experience it, and to wrestle with it will help you move toward healing and reconciliation. It won’t be easy, but it’s necessary to embracing life and thankfulness again.

Man quietly sitting at an outdoor cafe while writing in a journal

Tips & Tools for Working Through Your Grief

Dr. Wolfelt says, “It is not instinctive to see grief and the need to openly mourn as something to honor…[but] to honor your grief is not self-destructive or harmful, it is courageous and life-giving.” But perhaps you don’t know how to begin. How do you embark on the work of grief? How do you confront your pain, so that you can process it in a healthy way?

To help you on your journey, check out the resources below. They will help you work through your feelings and discover the best want for you to move forward and find joy in life again. Grief won’t steal your joy or your thankfulness forever – unless you let it. Above all, remember that with intentionality and fortitude, you will see the sun again, and it will be beautiful.

Resources:

Mustering the Courage to Mourn

Exploring Your Feelings of Loss

Grief & the Six Needs of Mourning

10 Helpful Tips When Grieving a Loss

5 Tips for Grieving When You’re Feeling Isolated

Grief & Difficult Relationships

How Creativity Can Help You Deal with Loss

5 Benefits of a Grief Journal

Sep 21
Love0

Finding Comfort in Ritual: Queen Elizabeth II’s Funeral

By Current Events

With the death of Queen Elizabeth, multiple nations and millions of people plunged into mourning. While it was not unexpected due to her age, death still brings out a multitude of emotions. In many ways, the Queen’s death brings with it a stark reminder of the importance of honoring life, paying tribute, and saying goodbye to the people who have impacted our lives.

From the moment of her death until her final commitment at St. George’s Chapel, every aspect of Queen Elizabeth’s funeral circled around the importance of ritual and healing actions.

3 Ways Queen Elizabeth’s Funeral Brought Comfort and Healing

1. Through Rich Symbolism

Steeped in history and British tradition, each act of symbolism brought a certain amount of comfort and security. From the Imperial Crown resting on her coffin to the elaborate procession through the streets of London and the fact that the Royal Standard was never lowered, signaling that even with the Queen’s absence, a monarch still reigned, each act was intentional and thought out. The moments when her children and later grandchildren stood vigil at her coffin were particularly compelling and beautiful.

For those living in the Commonwealth realms, this focus on traditional rituals and actions no doubt brought a sense of unity and rightness. The Queen’s life should be honored in such a way for her incredible contribution to her people and the world.

2. Through Sweet Moments of Personalization

In addition to the historically rich symbols seen throughout, there were many instances of personalization. Though many of the funeral details focused on Elizabeth the Queen, some were specific to Elizabeth the woman.

The wreath that adorned her coffin while she rested at Balmoral Castle was arranged with flowers from Queen Elizabeth’s own garden, including cuttings from her personal favorite blooms. In several key locations, regiments fired off 96-round salutes, one round for each year of the Queen’s life. In a particularly sweet touch, both the Queen’s corgis and her horse stood at attention, waiting as her coffin arrived at Windsor Castle. The Queen enjoyed riding throughout her life and famously adored corgis.

Each little touch of personalization added depth to the services honoring her life, making everything that much more meaningful.

Balmoral Castle in Scotland, where Queen Elizabeth spent her final days
(Balmoral Castle in Scotland, where Queen Elizabeth spent her final days)

3. By Providing Opportunities for Public Memorialization & Gratitude

Lastly, the fact that the Royal family has allowed and encouraged public displays of affection and gratitude is both touching and necessary. As human beings, we need to take action when something or someone matters.

For government buildings or businesses, this meant displaying posters of Queen Elizabeth or flying the Union Jack at half-mast. For the general populace, people have found different ways to express their grief and their gratitude. From leaving flowers, Paddington bears, marmalade, hand-drawn portraits and notes, to creating a one-of-a-kind sand mural, people are finding unique and personal ways to say goodbye.

And it seems that the Queen knew just how important this opportunity for remembrance is to the healing process. Not only was Westminster Abbey open to allow the public to pay their respects, the Queen commissioned a custom hearse with the public in mind. With its large windows and extra lighting, the vehicle enhanced the opportunity to say goodbye by giving a full and clear view of her coffin.

People took advantage of every possible opportunity. Some dropped off notes and mementoes, some watched the funeral on television, and some stood in line for hours to get into the Abbey. The point is, people were able to pay their respects and say goodbye in a meaningful way.

Windsor Castle where Queen Elizabeth spent a lot of the time and the location of St. George's Chapel, her final resting place
(Windsor Castle, a home dear to Queen Elizabeth and the location of her final resting place)

What Can We Learn from Queen Elizabeth’s Example?

While the vast majority of us are not extremely rich or Royal, our lives are still worth honor and remembrance. Queen Elizabeth had a funeral fit for a queen because that’s who she was. But who are you? What defines your life and makes you who you are? You can create a funeral that reflects your life and personality and provides your family and friends the opportunity to say goodbye in a personalized way.

Over time, the value of the funeral service has been minimized and overlooked, but it’s so necessary. Queen Elizabeth’s funeral brings that reality into sharper focus. Look at how many people came out in droves because they felt the need to participate, to heal, to feel that they had done right by the Queen. Your own family and friends feel the same about your life!

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor and educator, has this to say about the funeral:

“Rich in history and rife with symbolism, the funeral ceremony helps us acknowledge the reality of the death, gives testimony to the life of the deceased, encourages the expression of grief…, provides support to mourners, allows for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death, and offers continuity and hope for the living.”

So, here’s the challenge: be like the Queen and be intentional about how your life is celebrated. What traditions characterize your family? Are there things you are passionate about? What makes you who you are? Use the answers to create a funeral service that truly reflects your life. This will allow the people who know and love you to celebrate you uniquely and personally.

St. George's Chapel where Queen Elizabeth was interred
(St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle, the location of Queen Elizabeth’s interment)

Next Steps

If you decide to plan ahead for your funeral wishes, you might not know where to start. Here are some resources to help.

What is Advance Funeral Planning?

The 5 Basic Steps of Funeral Planning

Practical Ways to Personalize the 7 Elements of a Funeral

Funeral Planning Checklist

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