Grief/Loss

When someone you know loses a loved one, it’s natural to want to offer comfort. Whether it’s a neighbor, friend, or family member, it can be difficult to find the right words to say. You may be tempted to fall back on familiar clichés to ease someone’s pain, but unfortunately, grief clichés can unintentionally make things more difficult.

But why don’t they help? Aren’t they clichés for a reason? Today, let’s discuss why giving up clichés and moving toward heartfelt, personal condolences is the best way forward. When you understand how these clichéd responses can negatively impact someone’s grief journey, you’ll look for more personal ways to offer meaningful support. Let’s get started!

4 Reasons Why You Should Give Up Grief Clichés

1. They impose a timeline on grief.

Everyone’s grief journey is different, and there is no timeline for healing. For someone who is grieving, hearing the cliché “time heals all wounds” may feel insensitive and suggest that time itself will eventually make them feel better. It can also create pressure to move forward before they’re ready. While time can lessen the early, sharp feelings of loss, it doesn’t make the pain go away. For many people, this phrase may feel overwhelming and sound dismissive of how complex and continuous grief can be.

2. They minimize the loss.

Some phrases seem like attempts to make sense of a loss, but they can end up minimizing the loss and don’t align with how the grieving person feels. For example, when you say “everything happens for a reason,” it suggests that there is a deeper, perhaps unknown purpose behind the loss. For many people, especially in moments of grief, it’s inconceivable that there could be a good reason for their loved one’s passing. The idea can feel confusing, frustrating, or wrong. Instead of offering the comfort you intended, you may end up accidentally disregarding what they are going through.

3. They focus on the speaker rather than the grieving person.

At times, well-meaning clichés can shift the focus away from the person who is grieving. When you say “I know how you feel,” it can make it seem like you’re drawing attention to your own loss or experience rather than focusing solely on the person who is currently grieving. It may also come across as you processing your own grief rather than being fully present for them. While the sentiment is sincere, it’s not the right time to offer advice or to talk about your own loss when you’re in the middle of expressing condolences. At this moment, the focus should be squarely on your grieving friend and their current loss.

4. They invalidate real emotions.

Some cliché expressions may come across as invalidating a person’s pain rather than allowing space for how they’re feeling. For example, the clichés “they wouldn’t want you to be sad” or “they’re in a better place” can make it feel like the griever’s emotions aren’t valid or shouldn’t be expressed. It’s almost like they aren’t allowed to grieve because their loved one wouldn’t want them to. But being sad is normal, natural, and shouldn’t be stigmatized. When you offer condolences, make sure you are validating and accepting the griever’s emotions and giving them a safe space for their pain.

Now you know why clichés don’t always help, but if you can’t use them, what should you do instead?

Thoughtful Alternatives

Instead of relying on clichés, there are other meaningful ways you can offer comfort and let a grieving friend know you care. If you’re looking for ways to express your condolences that truly resonate, consider these options:

• Write a letter
• Send a text or direct message
• Share a poem or song
• Send a sympathy gift
• Drop off a meal
• Invite them to coffee or a meal so you can talk

By choosing your words and actions thoughtfully, you ensure that whatever you say feels caring and genuine. As you select a phrase, poem, song, or gift, make sure you personalize what you share to best meet the grieving person’s needs.

The grieving person needs support from those who care, and by being intentional with what you say and avoiding overused clichés, you can protect their feelings and prevent unintended heartache. What you say matters, and your words can have a lasting impact and make a real difference for someone who is grieving.

Additional Resources

What Should I Say to Someone Who is Grieving?

6 Things You Should Never Say to a Grieving Person

6 MORE Things You Should Never Say to a Grieving Person

Not sure what to say to comfort a grieving friend? You know you should say something, but the words aren’t coming to you. Perhaps you worry about saying the wrong thing and adding to their pain. Consider sending a handwritten condolence letter! With a few pointers, you can reach out and offer heartfelt, sincere, and meaningful words of sympathy. Let’s talk about it.

8 Simple Tips for Writing a Meaningful Condolence Letter

1. Say something

It’s human nature to avoid situations that feel difficult or uncomfortable. But just because something is uncomfortable does not mean it shouldn’t be done. Choosing not to say anything at all after a friend’s loss doesn’t help them and may unintentionally communicate that you don’t care. Instead, consider showing your love and support by picking up a pen to write them a condolence card.

2. Social media isn’t always enough

So many of us express condolences on social media (“I’m so sorry for your loss.” “I’m praying for you.”), but then we stop there. But think how much more meaningful it would be if you took time out of your day to specifically and intentionally write a condolence letter.

Condolences expressed on social media are all well and good, and they can be helpful. It’s an excellent way to express sympathy to someone you don’t know well. But for those you personally know and have a connection to, just think how much more care you will convey by taking the extra time to write a letter.

3. Handwrite it

By handwriting the letter, you add an extra level of personalization. You took the time to sit down and not only gather your thoughts, but also to write them out. How many people actually do that these days? Far fewer than in previous years. It can mean so much more to receive a handwritten note in the mail than a message on social media.

4. Keep it short(ish)

You don’t have to write a novel for your sympathy letter. In fact, it’s better if you keep it somewhat short and succinct, balanced with intentionality and compassion.

5. Make it personal

As much as possible, tailor your words to create a letter that is personal and specific. You could add words of encouragement, a quote, or a poem. If you knew the person who has died, share a positive story that you remember about them or a way they impacted you.

On the other hand, if you didn’t know the person who has died, mention that you know how much they meant to your grieving friend. Or you can recall things your friend told you about that special person (“I remember you told me…”). No matter how you say it, express your sorrow for their loss.

6. No comparisons

If you’ve lost a loved one, you know that it is hard, painful, and exhausting. But even though you can relate to someone’s grief, avoid comparing your grief to theirs. You may have both lost a mom, but you are two different people with unique relationships to your moms, which means your two grief journeys are going to look very different.

Instead, offer words of comfort without comparisons. Share a valuable lesson you’ve learned in your own grief journey while still acknowledging, “I know your loss is different from mine.”

7. Be real

Don’t be afraid to use words like “death,” “died,” or “die.” According to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a respected grief expert and counselor, acknowledging the reality of the death of a loved one is necessary to move forward in your grief journey. By being unafraid to use these terms, you participate in helping to acknowledge the reality of the loss.

8. Add a thoughtful action

These days, no matter where you live, you can do something thoughtful for a grieving friend.  If you live nearby, take a casserole over to the family. If you live further away, order flowers online. With the internet, there’s so much you can do even if you’re separated by distance. But remember, don’t offer anything you can’t deliver. Check out “Sympathy Gifts You Can Mail” and “10 Caring and Creative Sympathy Gifts” for a few ideas!

Things to Avoid When Writing a Condolence Letter

Now that you know what to do, let’s touch on some things you should NOT do. In many cases, what you don’t say is just as important as what you do say. Here are a few pitfalls to avoid:

• Sometimes the grieving person needs to tell their story, but you should always let them decide how much they want to share, especially regarding the circumstances of their loved one’s death. It’s not helpful to make the grieving person feel like you are looking for juicy gossip.
• Refrain from saying anything negative about the person who has died. You may not have personally liked them, but for the purposes of a condolence letter, keep your opinions to yourself.
• Avoid saying insensitive things like “You’re better off without them” or “Cheer up!” Every person needs to be allowed to grieve in their own way, not feel like they’re doing it wrong.
• Don’t mention the will or the estate. If you are in line to inherit something, you will be contacted at the proper time. The condolence letter is not the right time.
• Try to avoid clichés. For example, “It was just their time to go” or “They’re in a better place” are cliché phrases that don’t help. Instead, put your heart into the letter and be real and sincere.

With these tips up your sleeve, you will have an easier time writing a meaningful condolence letter. It will still take time, so make sure that you aren’t in a hurry when you sit down to write. Put together a draft first, let it sit for a while, and come back to see if there’s anything that needs adjusting. Once you feel good about the content, write it out in your best handwriting and place it in the mail. Your words may become the bright spot in your grieving friend’s day!

Though holidays like Mother’s Day are joyful for many, they can be especially difficult for those grieving the loss of a mother. If you have a friend who has lost their mom, their grief may become more evident as Mother’s Day approaches. You may wonder if there’s anything you can do to help. Thankfully, there are meaningful, helpful ways you can offer comfort during this time. If you’d like to show someone you care this Mother’s Day, here are some thoughtful actions to support your grieving friend.

1. Provide a safe space to talk

Sometimes, the simple act of sitting and listening goes a long way. Set aside time on Mother’s Day to have a conversation with your friend. Make some tea at home, meet at a coffee shop, or go for a walk and ley them talk about their mom. Silence your phone and limit distractions so you can be fully present, actively listen, and create a safe space for your friend to share their feelings.

If you’re unable to be with your friend in person, consider calling to check on them. Also, remember that your friend may not want to talk specifically about their mom, as it may be painful. Encourage them to talk about whatever feels right to them so they can focus on healing. Your presence and willingness to listen can be both comforting and healing for your friend.

2. Send a note of encouragement

Another way to support a friend who has lost their mother is to send a note of encouragement on Mother’s Day. This small gesture shows your friend that you recognize Mother’s Day may be a difficult time for them and lets them know they are not alone. Mail a card, send an email, or text them just to let your friend know that you’re there to support them.

For example, you could say, “I know Mother’s Day can be an overwhelming time for you. Please know I’m thinking of you.” Or, if you knew their mother personally, consider sharing a memory or story that celebrates what made her special. You could write something like, “I loved the sound of your mom’s laugh. It was always such a joyful sound.”

Adding personal touches can remind your friend how cherished their mother was and offer comfort during a challenging day.

3. Give a meaningful gift to honor their mom

Giving your friend a gift in remembrance of their mom is another meaningful gesture. Since flowers are often associated with Mother’s Day, consider taking them a bouquet or a houseplant to brighten their home.

If your friend would appreciate something long-lasting, consider a small trinket, such as a jewelry tray or a decorative item that serves as a daily reminder of how much their mom was loved and continues to be remembered. You might also consider something more customizable, such as a necklace or keepsake box with their mother’s name on it.

If you are unable to physically visit your grieving friend, you can mail a small sympathy gift to let them know they’re on your mind. A tangible token, no matter how small, can bring comfort and help honor their mother’s memory in a lasting way.

4. Share a comforting meal together

If you and your friend like food (who doesn’t?), then a great way to comfort your friend is to enjoy a meal together. You might invite them to brunch on Mother’s Day, bake their mom’s signature cookies together, or even pick up takeout and eat it at a local park. This is a thoughtful way to ensure they aren’t alone and have company around Mother’s Day.

By spending time with your friend, you provide them with companionship during their time of loss. Sharing meals often encourages meaningful conversations, giving you a chance to ask questions and get a sense of how they are feeling. Encourage your friend to share favorite memories of their mom, and let them know they can talk about her any time they want to.

5. Visit a place that celebrates their mom’s memory

Accompanying your friend to a place that reminds them of their mom is a thoughtful way to show you care. Maybe their mom had a favorite park, walking trail, or bookstore you could visit together. Sharing this moment with your friend may encourage them to visit again on their own when they feel ready. While you’re there, allow them to process being in a space their mom loved so much.

Another option, if your friend is open to it, is visiting their mother’s final resting place together. Keep in mind that this option can be an emotional experience and is often most appropriate if you share a very close relationship with your friend. Once you arrive, give your friend space and let them set the pace of the visit. Your steady presence can help make the experience less overwhelming and offer your friend much-needed support in a difficult moment.

6. Support a cause together

Volunteering or supporting a meaningful cause with your friend can be a powerful way to bring comfort on Mother’s Day. If your friend’s mother battled an illness, you could sign up for an awareness walk or participate in a blood drive in her honor. This meaningful gesture shows your friend that you care about their family.

Alternatively, you could make a charitable donation to a cause in your friend’s mother’s name to show your support. Sharing one of these meaningful experiences with your friend is a wonderful way to celebrate their mom’s memory.

Hopefully, these ideas encourage you to reach out to a grieving friend on Mother’s Day. Remember, anything you choose to do is a sign of kindness and compassion. Whether you provide your friend comfort with food, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, know that your support will be deeply appreciated.