christy.kessler, Author at Funeral Basics

Aug 31

Black urn sitting on side table with flower vase nearby

What Should I Know When Considering Cremation?

By christy.kessler Cremation, Explore Options No Comments

When considering final disposition, you have two main choices: burial or cremation. But what should you know when considering cremation? With this quick overview, you can get your questions answered and identify the options that most appeal to you.

What is Cremation?

Cremation is a form of “final disposition,” which simply refers to your preferences regarding what happens to the body after death. At present, people often choose between full-body burial or cremation, though there are other options (click here to learn more).

The cremation process exposes the body to extreme heat and flame, resulting in the reduction of the body to bone fragments. The fragments are then ground down into what is commonly referred to as “ashes.”

Afterward, the cremated remains, which usually weigh somewhere between 3-7 pounds, are placed in a chosen urn or temporary container and returned to the family. From there, families have many options for memorialization, including scattering, urn burial, and placement in a columbarium.

Is Cremation Really Eco-Friendly?

Although cremation does reduce land use as compared to burial, the practice is not considered green by either the National Funeral Directors Association or the Green Burial Council. Flame-based cremation releases pollutants into the air, including mercury, particulate matter, and nitrogen oxide. Additionally, flame-based cremation also requires a significant amount of fuel, which results in carbon monoxide emissions every year.

On the other hand, water-based cremation (alkaline hydrolysis) is thought to be more environmentally friendly. Instead of using fire, this form of cremation uses water, agitation, and either potassium hydroxide or sodium hydroxide to reduce the body to bone fragments. Water-based cremation has a smaller carbon footprint, uses less fuel, and doesn’t release emissions from the body. However, water cremation is not widely accessible yet, so it may not be available in your area.

Can I Have a Service with Cremation?

Absolutely! In fact, there are quite a few service options available when you select cremation. The final disposition you choose does not dictate whether or not your family has the opportunity to celebrate your loved one’s life and say goodbye in a meaningful way.

To learn more about your service options, go to “Cremation and the Importance of Ceremony,” where you will find a breakdown of your cremation service options. And if you’d like to do something entirely different, simply speak with your trusted funeral professional. Most funeral homes are willing to work with you to create the type of service your family wants.

What are My Permanent Placement Options with Cremation?

After cremation takes place, you will need to decide what to do with the ashes of a loved one. Again, you have quite a few options when you select cremation.

Burial/Inurnment of the Cremated Body

First, you can choose to place a loved one’s cremated remains in a cemetery. You could place the urn in:

A columbarium niche
An existing adult burial space (next to a spouse)
A smaller plot designed for cremated remains
An urn garden
A mausoleum

Some families also choose to place a small portion of the cremated remains in cremation jewelry or other memorial items, such as cremation glass, cremation benches, or memorial rocks.

Retain the Urn at Home

Second, you could choose to place the ashes in a decorative urn and keep them in your home. Some families choose to split the cremated remains into portions that can be divided among family members and multiple keepsake urns, while others choose to contain the remains in one ceremonial urn.

One word of caution: Make sure that you indicate in your will what should be done with the cremated body when you die. After your own death, whoever handles your estate may not know about your loved one’s urn and may dispose of it unknowingly. So, if you do keep a loved one’s cremated body in your home, make sure that you communicate a plan for their care after you are gone.

Scattering

Third, you could choose scattering. Most often, ashes are scattered on private property, on public lands (like national parks), in a cemetery, or at sea. Make sure you check all laws and ordinances before you scatter. For example, many national parks require a permit, and scattering at sea must take place at least three nautical miles away from land. Your funeral director can help you figure out what laws are in place and help you apply for any necessary permits and registrations.

A Quick Note on Scattering

Scattering all the physical remains of a loved one in one unmarked location can be difficult. For some family members, it’s important to have a place to go to feel close to a loved one. Before scattering, talk to your loved ones and see if it would be healing and appropriate to also create a permanent memorial.

You could set a plaque at the scattering site, place a memorial bench in a special location, or even reserve a portion of your loved one’s ashes in a columbarium while you scatter the rest. There are a lot of options, so speak with your family to get their thoughts.

Can You Ship Cremated Remains?

Yes, you can mail cremated remains via the USPS, but there are certain regulations in place. Check out “5 Tips When Shipping Cremated Remains” to get an inside look at best practices when shipping a loved one’s ashes.

Additionally, you can fly with cremated remains (domestically and internationally), but there are a few extra hoops to jump through. Make sure you speak with your specific airline about their requirements, but also give “What You Need to Know About Flying with Cremated Remains” a quick read. It will give you an understanding of how the process works.

With Cremation, Do I Receive the Same Support Services from Funeral Directors?

Yes, you certainly do. Funeral directors perform the same professional functions with cremation as with burial. They will help you create a personalized final tribute, coordinate all the behind-the-scenes details, communicate with the cemetery (if necessary), assist with legal documentation, and provide grief resources.

No matter what final disposition you choose, the funeral home staff will give you their best efforts and provide service that meets your needs. To learn more about how funeral directors can assist your family, take a moment to read “What Do Funeral Directors Do?”

What Does Cremation Cost?

Cremation does tend to cost less than burial, but the cost of either is ultimately in your hands. You can choose the services and merchandise you want and ensure that the total cost stays within your budget. If you prefer burial but feel like cremation better fits your budget, speak with the funeral director. They can review the options and discuss whether there might be a burial option that could work for your family.

For more detailed information about the cost of a funeral, including statistics from the National Funeral Directors Association, go to “What is the Average Cost of a Funeral?”

Black urn sitting on side table with flower vase nearby

One Final Note

As you consider your options, keep the emotional needs of your family in mind. Choosing between burial and cremation isn’t the only decision before you. If you are tempted to forego a funeral service to save money, first make sure that’s what your family wants. It may seem like a fuss to put together a service. But more than likely, the family needs time to honor life, share memories, and remember the person who has died. Only when we face the pain of loss can we begin to heal from it, and the funeral service is the start of the journey.

If you’ve decided you prefer burial or would just like to understand all your options, check out “Burial FAQs: What Are Your Burial Options?”

Aug 30

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9 Tips for Staying Physically Healthy While Grieving

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Living Well

After the death of a loved one, you’re going to experience a variety of emotions. Every person is different, but the emotions will range from sadness and confusion, to anger, fear, and disbelief. So much of the grief journey occurs in the mind, but grief also takes a toll on the body. To help yourself grieve and stay on top of the things you “must do,” here are 9 helpful tips to keeping your body healthy while you’re healing emotionally.

1. Establish a routine

Grief will throw your life and routine off balance, so you will need to re-establish a sense of normalcy after a loss. Routines provide a sense of peace and calm amidst the emotional upheaval. You know what’s coming and can enjoy the comfort of regularity. So, determine the best routine for you. This will support your emotional healing as you adjust to what life looks like after the loss of someone loved.

2. Eat a healthy diet

You may be tempted to indulge in sweets and junk food when your emotions are in turmoil but try to maintain a healthy diet. Nourishing food will give you strength to face the difficult days and weeks ahead. When you feel good physically, you will also feel much better emotionally! Unless cooking helps you relax, you might consider meal prepping, so that you have less stress throughout the week.

3. Eat less sugar

As mentioned above, a healthy diet is important to caring for your body. But let’s take a moment to talk about sugar specifically. Sugar in moderation is completely fine, but research shows that too much sugar leads to mood imbalances, fluctuating hormone levels, and increased blood pressure and inflammation. In some people (higher risk in men), it can lead to depression. So, even if you can’t be completely healthy with your diet due to money, time, or energy levels, consider at least cutting back on the sugar.

4. Stay hydrated

Much like food, water is essential to a healthy body. It’s actually even more important. The body can go 3-6 weeks without food but only around 3 days without water. So, as you’re grieving, make sure you stay hydrated. Plenty of water will help regulate your body temperature, assist with digestion, help you absorb nutrients, fight off illness, and improve mood. If you have a tough time remembering to hydrate, set timers or carry a water bottle around with you.

5. Get plenty of sleep

Good sleep is essential for overall health and wellness. After a loss, you may lose sleep due to intrusive thoughts, stress, bad dreams, or anxiety. To promote sleep, try to create a comfortable, cool, and calm atmosphere at night. Over-the-counter sleep aids may also help. If nothing else works, consider talking to your doctor or therapist. For more suggestions, give “Sleeping Tips for the Grieving” a quick read.

6. Exercise regularly

Exercise reduces stress and improves mood, which is important while grieving. If you participated in a regular exercise routine before the death of your loved one, try to continue. If you did not practice a lifestyle of exercise, start small. Take a walk, ride a bike, or pick up small hand weights. Even moderate daily exercise can help improve your mood and relieve stress. To learn more about the benefits of some form of exercise during a time of loss, go to “Can Exercise Help You Grieve?”

7. Avoid numbing activities

Unfortunately, for some, grief can trigger or exacerbate unhealthy coping habits. When these habits are unaddressed or go on too long, they can seriously affect your ability to live a healthy life. If you notice that you are using activities like overeating, drinking, addictive substances, or mindless TV/news watching to avoid confronting painful emotions, it may be necessary to seek assistance. Not only will these habits inhibit your ability to emotionally heal, but they may also affect your long-term physical health.

8. Choose nurturing activities

Instead of numbing activities, engage in activities that feed your spirit and soul. Look for opportunities to do things that bring you joy or give you a sense of fulfillment. Spend time outdoors. Listen to uplifting music (skip the moody stuff for now). Take walks. Get a massage. Volunteer for a cause you believe in. Write in a grief journal. Express your emotions through creativity. Spend time in quiet reflection or meditation. All of these activities will soothe your mind, and in turn, keep your body healthy.

9. Seek out support

If you are struggling with difficult emotions, such as depression, or need a listening ear, don’t hesitate to ask others for help. Trusted friends, family members, therapists, counselors, or grief support groups are all excellent resources to help you on your journey through grief. Grief is something we all go through, but we all experience it differently. You must find the methods that work best for you on your individual journey. Don’t compare your needs to someone else’s – simply find the healthy options that work best for you.

Hopefully these 9 tips will help you on the journey toward healing. It will take time, so be patient with yourself. As you do the work of grief by actively engaging with your emotions, you will begin to see that each day becomes a little brighter. You will never “get over” the death of your loved one; that’s not the point of healing. The goal is to come to terms with it, to make peace with it, and find renewed purpose and meaning in the remainder of your days.

Aug 30

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Your Guide to Scattering Ashes at U.S. National Parks

By christy.kessler Cremation, Educational, Explore Options

There are countless ways to honor a loved one’s life and memory. It’s just a matter of finding the options that are 1) meaningful to the family and 2) beautifully reflect the deceased’s life and interests. For outdoor enthusiasts, honoring a loved one’s life at a U.S. National Park may be just the right decision. But can you scatter ashes at National Parks? You can! But there are certain rules and regulations to follow. Let’s review some key information you will need as you plan a scattering ceremony at a National Park!

(Photo: Joshua Tree National Park, California)

How Many U.S. National Parks are There?

At present, there are 63 sites that are commonly referred to as “National Parks.” They include places like Yosemite National Park, Yellowstone National Park, Glacier National Park, and so on. These are types of parks we will focus on today.

However, the National Park System encompasses more than 425 sites, spanning over 84 million acres. In addition to the 63 National Parks, they also manage national battlefields, national military parks, national historic sites, national monuments, national forests, and national reserves, to name a few.

Can I Scatter Ashes at Any U.S. National Park?

In most cases, yes, you can! There are no federal laws that govern burial and cremation – it’s left up to the individual states. That means that there are no “set” rules for scattering ashes at National Parks. Instead, each park has their own policy, based on the laws of their state.

(Photo: Zion National Park, Utah)

However, there are some general guidelines to be aware of:

A special permit is often required

Many National Parks require that you state your intentions to scatter cremated remains. You do this by submitting an application for a “special use” permit. This permit gives you permission to scatter a loved one’s remains at the park.

Each park will have their own paperwork to complete, so you must visit the website of your preferred park and fill out their permit request form. Allow at least 30 days for processing. You will receive the authorization permit in the mail once it has been approved.

Note: A few parks do not require a permit to scatter ashes. It will be clearly outlined on the park’s website, if they do require a permit.

Keep the group small

Some National Parks put a limit on the number of people allowed to participate in the scattering ceremony. Make sure you’ve checked into the regulations for your preferred park. However, if you would like to have a larger gathering, some parks require an additional permit granting permission. Again, the park’s website will outline all the requirements.

(Photo: Shenandoah National Park, Virginia)

Stay away from public use areas

When you choose the location for the scattering ceremony, most National Parks prefer that you find a quiet, secluded space to do so. This way, you have more privacy, but also, your gathering doesn’t disrupt the natural flow of the park. Avoiding public use areas means that you should stay away from roads, walkways, trails, buildings, and parking areas.

Also, don’t scatter in just one spot; spread the scattering out over a larger area. And stay at least 100 yards away from any waterways or creeks. Additionally, some parks will have extra requirements regarding the location. For example, Yellowstone does not allow scattering near thermal areas.

Leave no trace

As any avid outdoorsperson knows, it’s important to the natural habitat that you “leave no trace” of your presence. The same holds true at National Parks. What does this mean for scattering? You cannot leave a marker of any kind to commemorate the event. However, you can pin the location on your phone using GPS, so that you always know your loved one’s final resting place. Also, many National Parks keep a “Book of Memories,” where you can record your loved one’s name as an act of memorialization.

Do not bury ashes

Burial is not allowed at National Parks, so do not bury the cremated remains of a loved one.

(Photo: Yosemite National Park, California)

Consider the weather conditions

Before settling on a date for a scattering ceremony, take weather conditions into account. Some parks may be closed for snow, flood, or other seasonal climate changes. If you need to make changes to your dates, contact the park directly.

What Type of Information Do They Request on the Permit Authorization Form?

Every park has their own application form, so the questions may vary from park to park. However, they will generally ask for:

Mailing address
Name of person whose ashes will be scattered
Preferred date, location, time
Number of participants

Also, some National Parks may require an application fee. If they do, it will be clearly outlined on their website. If you wish to do anything other than scatter ashes, you may need to apply for additional permits. For example, if you want to camp off the beaten path, you may need a wilderness camping permit. If you have larger plans than a scattering ceremony, you may need an additional permit. A park ranger can help you iron out the details.

(Photo: Redwood National Park, California)

Do I Need to Carry the Permit with Me?

Yes, make sure you keep your permit with you. If a park ranger happens by and sees your scattering ceremony taking place, they may ask to see your permit. If you don’t have it with you, you may have to pay a fine.

Can I Include a Service When I Scatter the Ashes?

Absolutely, you can put together a short ceremony in honor of your loved one. While you cannot set up a large-scale event, you can invite each person to say a few words. Or you can sing songs, pray, drink a special beverage, and so on. Just keep in mind that it should be simple, intimate, and leave no trace when the ceremony is complete.

(Photo: Badlands National Park, South Dakota)

Where Can I Find Information About a Specific National Park?

To make planning a little easier for you, here’s a list of all National Parks that allow scattering.

From A to Z:

(Photo: Haleakala National Park, Hawaii)

Today, there are so many ways to honor a loved one’s life in a meaningful and unique way. And a scattering ceremony at a U.S. National Park may feel like just the right thing to do. Hopefully, this complete guide gives you all the information you need to get started. However, if you have additional questions, you can either reach out to the park directly or speak to a trusted funeral professional. They can help you get all the answers you need!

Aug 28

Love0

Woodland forest with trees and purple wildflowers, sun peeking through the trees

Answering Your Green Burial Questions

By christy.kessler Cemeteries, Explore Options No Comments

Perhaps you’ve heard the term “green burial,” but it doesn’t really mean anything to you. Today, we’re going to dive into what it is, how it differs from standard burial, what makes a burial “green,” and more. By the end, you’ll have a better understanding of green burial and whether it’s right for your personal wishes.

Woodland forest with trees and purple wildflowers, sun peeking through the trees, green burial concept

What is Green Burial?

Founded on the belief that death care practices shouldn’t be harmful to the environment, green burials aim to leave minimal environmental impact. The goal is to conserve resources, protect workers from potentially harmful chemicals, and reduce carbon emissions with the aim to restore and preserve natural habitats.

What Makes a Burial “Green”?

It’s always best to discuss green options with a local, trusted funeral home, but green burials focus on a few key factors:

Burial containers made of non-toxic, biodegradable materials
Embalming with non-toxic materials, like plant-derived essential oils
Caskets are not covered by a grave liner or burial vault
Marking graves with trees, plants, or stones rather than traditional grave markers
Burial takes place in a green-certified cemetery

Person wrapping their arms around a tree; the tree has a red heart on the bark; green burial concept

Is Green Burial Common?

While not the most common choice, interest in the practice is rising. According to a 2017 National Funeral Directors Association survey, more than 53% of respondents expressed an interest in exploring green options.

In response, many funeral homes are looking into what certifications are needed and what changes should be made to accommodate this interest. At present, there are a limited number of cemeteries approved by the Green Burial Council (GBC), but that number is increasing every year.

How Does a Cemetery Become “Green”?

To become green-certified, a cemetery must meet the Green Burial Council’s Cemetery Certification Standards. The GBC recognizes three different types of green burial grounds.

Hybrid Cemetery – Most common; at hybrid cemeteries, a section of a traditional cemetery is set aside specifically for green burials.
Natural Burial Grounds – This is a standalone cemetery where specifically natural burials take place; only burial containers of biodegradable materials, no chemicals, etc.
Conservation Burial Ground – This type of green cemetery must meet all the requirements of a Natural Burial Ground but also be run by a government agency or non-profit.

To learn more about GBC’s certification requirements, click here to visit their website.

Woodland area, showing grass and a red-capped mushroom

Is There a Difference Between Green, Natural, and Home Burial?

Generally, people use the terms interchangeably. However, there is a small difference. With a green burial, the burial portion must take place in a green-certified cemetery. However, a natural burial can take place in any cemetery where burial without a grave liner is allowed.

In case that was confusing, let’s recap. Both green and natural burials focus on minimal environmental impact, biodegradable caskets, and the use of non-toxic chemicals. However, the type of cemetery determines whether a burial is “green” or “natural.” A burial is only considered “green” if the body is buried in a green-certified cemetery. Otherwise, it is considered a natural burial.

As for home burials, they could fall into either category, depending on where the burial takes place.

Is Green Burial Allowed in All 50 States?

Yes, the practice is legal in all 50 states. However, there may be some state-specific requirements, especially if you want to transport a body across state lines. To get more detailed information, stop by a funeral home you trust, and they will get the answers you need.

Looking at up at the top of the trees in a forest; leaves are orange and yellow with the shape of a heart showing

Is Cremation Considered Green?

While cremation does reduce land use, it’s not considered “green” by either the National Funeral Directors Association or the Green Burial Council. Cremation by fire emits potentially harmful substances into the atmosphere and burns fossil fuels. Because of this, the practice is not considered as environmentally friendly as green burial.

However, water cremation (or alkaline hydrolysis) is thought to be more environmentally friendly. It has a smaller carbon footprint, uses less fuel, and doesn’t release as many emissions. If you are interested in water cremation, talk with a funeral director. This form of cremation is not widely accessible yet, so it may not be readily available in your area.

Can I Still Have a Service?

No matter what type of burial or final disposition you choose, it’s always recommended that you plan some sort of service. As human beings, we need to know that our lives matter. The funeral service is where we do that by coming together to remember and honor a loved one’s life and legacy.

Plus, the service is an opportunity to process the pain we feel and give and receive support from friends and family members. We aren’t meant to do life alone; we need each other in both the good times and the difficult times.

While green burial may be on an expedited timeline, that doesn’t mean you have to give up having a service. Instead, speak to your funeral director and review the options.

Small planting beginning to grow in the dark earth; green burial concept

How Do I Ensure My Burial Is Environmentally Friendly?

If having an environmentally friendly funeral is important to you, there are many things you can do to ensure your end-of-life choices are as green as possible.

First, speak with a trusted funeral professional about the options available in your area or if a service would need to be entrusted to a third party (such as water cremation). Second, decide whether you want a fully green service or if you want only certain elements to be green. These days, funerals are very personalized, so you can mix green elements with traditional elements.

But as you consider the options, remember that the Green Burial Council looks at the following items when determining whether a funeral is green or not:

No Toxic Chemicals

Body preservation, such as for a viewing or visitation, should not include any harmful or toxic embalming chemicals. Instead, refrigeration, dry ice, or eco-friendly embalming fluid should be considered.

Biodegradable Burial Materials

Use a coffin, casket, or shroud made of biodegradable substances like bamboo, wicker, silk, or hemp. Sustainably harvested wood is also a good option.

Small stone heart resting in the moss of a large tree out in the forest; green burial concept

Avoid Concrete Vaults

Many cemeteries require grave liners or burial vaults to prevent the ground from sinking over time, but their manufacture and transport causes carbon emissions and uses great amounts of energy. For this reason, a green burial will not include a liner or vault.

Natural Grave Markers

Green cemeteries suggest the use of natural objects for grave markers (such as trees, shrubs, perennial flowers, or rocks). Many cemeteries provide a GPS location so that a loved one’s grave can be easily found.

Where Can I Find More Information?

For more information regarding green burial (or natural burial), speak with a local funeral professional or visit the Green Burial Council website. Remember, green burials are not available everywhere, but your local funeral home will work with you to come up with a plan that best fits your needs and wishes to protect the environment.

Aug 18

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Man in uniform standing outside, holding an American flag

5 Key Veteran Burial Benefits You Should Know

By christy.kessler Educational, Veterans

Man in uniform standing outside, holding an American flag

As a veteran, you know there are a lot of great benefits out there for you, like discounts, educational grants and scholarships, pension, and healthcare. But are you familiar with the 5 key burial benefits available to you and your family? Let’s briefly break down each benefit, so you know exactly what to request and how to save your family money by taking advantage of all the services open to you.

Three Quick Notes

Before we look at each benefit, a couple of quick notes for you.

Though they are called “burial” benefits, they also apply to cremation.
Each benefit is available free of charge, though they must be requested.
Only veterans with a discharge other than dishonorable are eligible to receive benefits.
Some benefits are also available to eligible spouses and dependents (see below).

Burial Benefit #1: Burial Allowances

What is a burial allowance? In a nutshell, burial allowances are a designated dollar amount that the VA will reimburse to your family to assist with the cost of a veteran’s funeral. Burial allowances are often split into two categories:

A burial and funeral expense allowance (associated with funeral or memorial options)
A plot interment allowance (associated with burial costs of a casket or urn)

Burial allowances are available to help offset the funeral costs of an eligible veteran, spouse, or dependent child. (They do not pay for the funeral in full.) To apply, your family must fill out VA Form 21P-530, “Application for Burial Allowance.” Include proof of military service (DD 214 or equivalent), a death certificate, and receipts to claim reimbursement. Your funeral director will be familiar with this process and can help you do it correctly.

Military cemetery with white headstones; American flags displayed; red rose resting on first headstone

Burial Benefit #2: Cemetery Options

Choosing a final resting place is a very personal decision, and it’s always good to know your options. In the VA’s eyes, there are three types of cemeteries: national, state veterans, and private. Let’s review each one and the benefits available for each.

National Cemetery (free of charge)

In addition to burial allowances, the VA also offers burial (cremated or full body) in a national cemetery through the National Cemetery Administration. This benefit includes a plot, opening and closing of the grave, perpetual care, and a government-issued headstone. While placement is based on availability, you, your spouse, and any dependent children can be buried in a national cemetery. Of course, as with anything, there are certain rules and guidelines.

There is no charge for a burial plot in a national cemetery. Because of this, the plot allowance is not available to the families of veterans who are buried in a national cemetery. In some cases, the VA may even pay for the cost of transporting a deceased veteran to the national cemetery. Speak to a local funeral director or your regional VA office to get more details.

Aerial view, looking down at military cemetery and tree in fall bloom

State Veterans Cemetery (minimal fee)

A second option for burial is a state veterans cemetery. These cemeteries are facilitated by individual states, not by the National Cemetery Administration, so the regulations will vary. Because of this, you or a funeral professional will need to contact your nearby state veterans cemetery to see if there are any fees associated with burial there and if they allow dependents to be buried on the grounds.

Private Cemetery (personal expense)

If you choose burial or inurnment in a private cemetery, then you and your family are responsible for the cost. However, you can apply for burial allowances to help with the overall cost. Make sure to keep all receipts, so you can receive a reimbursement. Spouses and dependents buried in a private cemetery receive no VA benefits.

Close-up of military headstone with American flag nearby

Burial Benefit #3: Government-Issued Headstones or Medallions

Regardless of the type of cemetery you choose, veterans are always eligible to receive a government-issued headstone or medallion. But what’s the difference between the two?

Headstones

As you’ve likely seen at national cemeteries or in the movies, the government issues uniform headstones or plaques to mark the graves of military members. The VA will provide a government-issued headstone to mark the grave of an eligible veteran buried in a national, military post/base, state veterans, or private cemetery. If you want, you can even request a government headstone for an eligible spouse or dependent buried in a national or state veterans cemetery.

Ground plaque in American military cemetery

Medallions

Alternatively, if you prefer burial in a private cemetery, you can request to receive a medallion rather than a government-issued headstone. Medallions are durable and can be easily affixed to any headstone. They offer you a way to identify as a veteran while also choosing a personalized grave marker. There are different varieties of headstones and medallions available. Click here to view the options available through the National Cemetery Administration. Spouses and dependents are not eligible to receive a medallion.

Folded American burial flag resting on a marble headstone

Burial Benefit #4: Burial Flag with Military Honors

Because the American flag is a symbol of your service and sacrifice, its presence is a tribute to your life and a sign of the nation’s gratitude. Due to its importance, the VA provides an American flag to drape the casket or urn of every veteran. After the funeral or memorial service is complete, the flag is given to the next of kin. Only one flag is issued per veteran.

In addition to a burial flag, eligible veterans may receive military honors at a funeral service, which includes folding and presenting the United States burial flag and the playing of Taps. For more information, take a moment to read “The Core Elements of a Military Honors Funeral.”

Note: Spouses and dependents are not eligible to receive a burial flag or military honors.

Group of service members salute

Burial Benefit #5: Presidential Memorial Certificate

Lastly, the VA offers a Presidential Memorial Certificate (PMC), which is an engraved certificate, signed by the current President, that is given to honor your memory and your service. Your family can then display it in the home or hold onto it as a keepsake of your life and commitment to serve. Perhaps it goes without saying, but spouses and dependents are not eligible to receive a certificate.

And that’s it! Together, these five elements make up the basic lineup of burial benefits that are available to an eligible veteran: burial allowances, burial in a national cemetery, government-issued headstone or medallion, burial flag, military honors, and Presidential Memorial Certificate. Now that you have this information, what should you do next?

Grandfather and grandson smiling together and going to play American football

Consider Preplanning for Your Funeral Wishes

Given your experience as a service member, you know how complicated things can get, whether it’s updating your Page 2, keeping an eye on your LES, or just getting an updated government ID. By preplanning for your funeral wishes, you can jump through all the hoops now, ensuring your family doesn’t have to do it in the future.

To learn more about the benefits of planning ahead as a veteran, read “Why Should Veterans Plan Ahead?” or schedule a visit with a local funeral director or Veterans Service Officer (or both!). With a knowledgeable professional by your side, you can get all your questions answered and put together a plan that honors your life and meets your family’s needs.

Aug 18

Love0

Mature woman sitting on a pink exercise mat, stretching her right leg out in front of her

Can Exercise Help You Grieve?

By christy.kessler Educational, Grief/Loss

You may have noticed that grief puts a lot of stress on your mind and body. To combat that stress, your body’s natural response is to release a hormone called cortisol. Cortisol helps regulate your blood pressure, blood sugar, inflammation levels, and stress response. So, it’s a good thing, but cortisol also makes you tired. That’s why it’s important to practice good self-care during times of grief, and one important key to self-care is exercise. The best news – according to the experts, as little as 30 minutes a day of moderate exercise can make a difference.

Mature woman sitting on a pink exercise mat, stretching her right leg out in front of her

It might seem counterintuitive to exercise when you’re already feeling tired and emotionally spent, but let’s discuss 5 ways that exercise can make you feel better when you’re feeling down.

1. Exercise Boosts Mood

When you exercise, your body releases endorphins, a hormone that acts as a natural pain and stress reliever. You can decrease your stress and anxiety by exercising just a little bit every day. That might mean a brisk walk outside for 30 minutes or a calming Pilates routine. As you work movement into your day, you will see your aches and pains ease and your mood boost. Numerous research studies have shown that inactivity and staying in bed increase anxiety and sad feelings, so get up and get moving.

2. Exercise Aids Sleep

Every person responds to grief differently, and for some, that includes experiencing sleeplessness. Your thoughts may be racing. You may be struggling to mentally accept what has happened. By including exercise in your daily routine, you can reduce your stress levels and make it more likely that you will relax when bedtime comes around. For more sleeping tips, make sure to read Sleeping Tips for the Grieving.

3. Exercise Provides an Emotional Reprieve

When a death occurs, it can quickly take center stage in your life. While you shouldn’t ignore your grief feelings, you can’t work through everything at once. Instead, give yourself mental and emotional breaks. Though it may only be for 20 or 30 minutes, participating in exercise allows your emotions to rest and gives your mind a much-needed reprieve.

4. Exercise Increases Self-Esteem & Normalcy

Grief and loss interrupt the normal flow of life. In many ways, grief can make you feel helpless and like you are no longer the captain of your own life. But by committing to regular exercise, you can begin to take back some of that control and normalcy. Whether it’s going for a run, attending a Zumba class, or playing golf, exercise can boost your self-esteem as you grow stronger and give you confidence to overcome any challenges and obstacles ahead.

5. Exercise Decreases Loneliness

The grief journey can feel long and lonely, but with exercise, you can increase your opportunities to give and receive support from others. Some days, it’s going to be easier to exercise at home or take a quick stroll around the block. However, when you can, try to attend a group class or invite a friend to walk with you. You will feel less lonely and will even have the chance to share what’s on your heart and mind.

Recommendations for Exercising While You’re Grieving

Now that you understand the benefits of exercise during times of grief, let’s talk through a few quick recommendations if you choose to add exercise to your grief journey.

Take it Easy on Yourself

Exercise isn’t going to magically cure your problems. And while exercise is a useful tool to boost your mood and create a better overall outlook, you also need to listen to your body. For a time, you may need to re-define what exercise looks like for you. You may be used to 45-minute HIIT sessions every day, but while you’re grieving, that may need to scale back to HIIT two days a week and long walks on the other days. The bottom line is, take it easy. Listen to your body. Don’t overdo it.

Eat Well and Drink Plenty of Water

After a death, many people experience a change in eating habits. Some may experience a loss of appetite, while others may overindulge in takeout, sweets, and comfort food. A few days of this is totally normal, but don’t let it go on too long. Instead, make an effort to give your body nutritious foods that will fuel you rather than drag you down. Also, drink plenty of water. Whether you are losing water through sweat (from exercise) or crying (from your feelings of grief), your body needs water to replenish itself. And to be on the safe side, limit your caffeine and alcohol as these two drink choices may dehydrate your body.

30 Minutes Can Make a Difference

Depending on your personality and preferred workout routine, 30 minutes may seem like forever or no time at all. But regardless of where you fall on the exercise spectrum, you will experience the benefits of exercise in as little as 30 minutes 5 days a week. So, if you aren’t ready to jump back into a full routine, that’s okay. Commit to 30 minutes of moderate exercise and see how you feel. Also, choose an activity that matches your mood. If you need peace and relaxation, do yoga or Pilates. If you’re dealing with anger, a boxing class might be best. No matter what you choose, even a little bit of exercise can help.

Lacking Motivation?

If you find that you just don’t have the desire to exercise but you’d like to, consider exercising to honor your loved one’s memory. You could sign up for a 5K or do a walking challenge. If your loved one enjoyed baseball, surfing, or some other sport, join a league and learn for yourself. You can also recruit friends or family to join you in your exercise goals. You’re more likely to do something if other people are counting on you to be there.

Don’t Use Exercise to Avoid Your Grief

It’s a natural part of human nature to avoid painful or difficult things. But, if you’re going to heal and learn how to move forward after a loss, it’s essential that you engage with your feelings and come to a place of reconciliation and peace. People all over the world use exercise to provide relief, a sense of purpose, and an outlet for positive or negative emotions. Carefully analyze your own motivations and make sure you aren’t using exercise as an excuse to escape your grief.

While including an exercise routine in your grief journey isn’t required to come to a place of healing, it is a useful tool in your belt. Exercise can boost your mood, help you sleep, provide a reprieve from complex feelings, increase your self-esteem, and decrease your loneliness during times of grief. And if you feel stuck despite doing your best to work through your feelings of grief, consider talking with a grief therapist. They can listen to what’s going on in your heart and mind and give you suggestions that will help you find the healing you’re looking for.

Aug 10

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Close-up on woman's hands as she holds a makeup brush and uses it to prepare eye shadow for use

Funerals, Cosmetology, and the Restorative Arts

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals

The loss of a loved one raises many questions, including what happens to a loved one’s body after it is transferred to the funeral home. You may be wondering how a body is prepared for the funeral and if you even need to have a viewing or an open casket service. Many families think that a viewing won’t be beneficial, but according to renowned author and grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt, the viewing can be one of the most healing aspects of a funeral.

Woman in black dress standing next to an open casket at a viewing, placing a red rose inside the casket

When planning a funeral, Dr. Wolfelt suggests:

“When possible (and culturally appropriate), I always encourage families to spend time with the body of the person who died. Your family can have a private visitation only, or you can also have a public visitation, which gives community members the same chance to gather around the person who died. Over and over again families have told me that spending time with the body helped them come to terms with the death and begin to make the transition from life before the death to life after the death. Although it can be painful at first, time spent with the body is usually extremely healing in the long run.”

To answer any lingering questions you may have, let’s discuss what happens behind the scenes during the preparation process. That way, you can choose the best possible option for your family and your journey toward healing.

What are the benefits of viewing the body?

To answer this question, let’s look to Dr. Wolfelt for guidance. Based on his years of experience walking alongside grieving families, he has found that a viewing can help mourners:

Acknowledge the reality of the death (first step to healing)
Face their pain head-on, rather than bottling it up
Say their final goodbyes in person

For those who don’t live near the deceased, it can be especially important to physically see them one last time. If you have loved ones who live far away, ask them if they want to see a deceased loved one physically before burial or cremation takes place. For some, that final moment together is critically important to the healing process.

Why do we need to prepare the body for viewing?

The purpose of a viewing is to allow friends and family members to pay their respects and say goodbye in person. In a recent survey on funeral preferences, 34% of people indicated it was important to physically see the deceased and a full 60% saw the practice as acceptable. But for the viewing to have the best possible impact, the body should be prepared ahead of time, ensuring the deceased person looks as much like themselves as possible. Depending on the family’s wishes, this preparation often includes embalming, cleaning and dressing of the body, and cosmetology.

Who prepares the body?

More than likely, at least two people will prepare the body for viewing. The embalming process must be completed by a certified embalmer. If restorative arts are needed, which may be necessary with facial injuries, the embalmer will use wax, plaster, and other materials to restore the body as much as possible. Afterward, the body will be dressed in clothing selected by the family.

Finally, the mortuary cosmetologist will complete the preparation process by adding makeup, styling the hair, and even completing a manicure. A cosmetologist must be licensed to provide cosmetic services to the dead, and most cosmetology schools include courses on mortuary cosmetology. In the absence of a cosmetologist, the embalmer will take on the role and apply cosmetics to the deceased.

What’s the difference between cosmetology and restorative arts?

Both cosmetology and restorative arts produce a pleasing visual representation by recreating a lifelike appearance. However, “restorative arts” refers to the reconstruction of the body due to significant trauma, such as a car wreck. On the other hand, “cosmetology” refers to the hairstyle and makeup used to emulate the person’s appearance. This would include brightening the face, matching skin tone, styling the hair, caring for the nails, and so on. The two practices work hand in hand to ensure the deceased person’s essence is captured as closely as possible.

What does the family provide to help with the preparation process?

In order for a loved one to look as lifelike as possible, the embalmer and mortuary cosmetologist rely on the surviving family for help. The family will select clothing for the deceased, including any jewelry or special items. The family will also supply a reference photo that the cosmetologist can use to match the deceased’s makeup and hairstyle as closely as possible.

If there are any specific cosmetic requests, such as the use of a distinctive shade of lipstick or nail polish, the family can drop these items off at the funeral home. The cosmetologist will then use these items to add an even more personalized touch. Often, it’s the small details that make a loved one’s appearance feel that much more genuine to those who are mourning.

Won’t seeing the body negatively affect my good memories of my loved one?

In the vast majority of cases, seeing a loved one’s deceased body is not going to affect or take away the quality of your precious memories. For many, having time to sit quietly and privately with a loved one is the most meaningful part of the funeral. Yes, it’s going to be painful. It may feel uncomfortable. But to heal, it’s necessary to embrace the discomfort and the pain, so you can figure out how to move forward without that special person.

A quick note: There will always be cases where a viewing isn’t possible. You can rely on the funeral professional to give you an honest assessment. If a viewing isn’t possible, that’s okay. Work with the funeral director to identify other ways to honor your loved one’s memory and celebrate their life.

Is preparation of the body necessary for a private viewing?

The decision ultimately resides with the family. If the viewing is taking place soon after death, then neither technique may be necessary. However, if the viewing is delayed, it’s recommended that there be some form of preparation and preservation. Some states may have specific laws regarding the length of time a body can remain un-embalmed. The funeral director will know the specifics for your state.

Close-up on woman's hands as she holds a makeup brush and uses it to prepare eye shadow for use

With these questions answered, the next steps are up to you. Talk to your family members. Ask them whether they think a viewing is a good thing. It may not be something you need, but your mother, brother, or daughter may need it. Ultimately, the funeral is intended to help people reflect on life, celebrate loved ones, and take the first steps toward healing and reconciliation. For some, that may include a viewing where they can see a loved one’s beloved face one more time.

Aug 03

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Grief support group meeting; focus on older man receiving comfort from four other members

9 Qualities to Look for in a Grief Support Group

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

When you first lose a loved one, your friends and family may provide all the care and support you need. But over time, you may require other outlets to process your grief. That’s where a grief support group can help! The question is, “How do you know whether a certain grief support group is a good one or not?” To help you answer that question, we’ve compiled a list of 9 qualities to look for in a grief support group.

Want more information on the benefits of a grief support group? Read 7 Benefits of Joining a Grief Support Group.

9 Qualities to Look for in a Grief Support Group

Every person is different – personality, background, support needs – but at a basic level, every grief support group should showcase these qualities.

A good grief support group:

1. Possesses a strong and capable facilitator

We’ll start with perhaps the most important quality for any grief support group – a facilitator who knows what they’re doing. The facilitator should understand group dynamics, know how to kindly rein people in, and be personally familiar with grief. Often, facilitators receive some form of training or are intimately familiar with the grieving process. Regardless, the facilitator can make or break the group, and so many of the remaining qualities depend on their leadership. So, make sure you trust the facilitator and feel that they are competent and capable.

2. Recognizes that each person’s grief is unique

Have you noticed that some deaths affect you more deeply than others? That’s because your level of grief directly relates to your personality and your relationship with the deceased. For example, if your spouse dies, you will grieve differently than his of her friends and family. Most people attending the funeral will know and care about the deceased, but they won’t all have the same depth of relationship. A good grief support group will openly recognize that every person’s grief is unique, and they won’t try to lump everyone into the same grief bucket.

3. Reminds you that you’re not alone in your grief

Grief doesn’t come with a timetable; it takes the time it takes. So, it can feel lonely, especially if you see other family members moving forward more quickly than you. A good grief support group will remind you that you’re not alone on the grief journey. The group will be made up of people from all walks of life who are at different parts of the healing process. As you interact with other grieving people, there is comfort in knowing you aren’t alone and that there’s hope for your own journey toward healing and reconciliation.

4. Allows participants to share at their comfort level

In a good grief support group, you should feel comfortable sharing (or not sharing) as you see fit. Also, no one or two people should monopolize the group discussion. You will see participants expressing a variety of emotions – sadness, uncertainty, anger, fear – and all of these emotions are accepted. Each person should feel validated and heard, but never pressured to participate when they don’t want to do so.

5. Creates a judgment-free, safe space

Grief brings out a lot of complicated emotions, and a good grief support group will allow you to express those feelings without fear of judgment. There should be a commitment amongst attendees that the gathering is a confidential space. People should be able to speak without interruption and know that other members are listening with empathy and kindness. There’s comfort in hearing and being heard, but you need to know that you’re in a safe place with safe people.

6. Adheres to an organized structure and sets expectations

The facilitator should clearly outline expectations for the group. This may include a confidentiality clause, guidelines on asking questions, things to say and not to say, etc. The gathering should feel organized and well-structured. When you’re grieving, the last thing you need is extra chaos, and a disorganized group may only add to your stress. Also, consider the size of the group. It’s often best to join a group with 5-15 members. Make sure you find a group that clearly outlines the expectations and has an easy rhythm to follow.

7. Respects everyone’s beliefs

When you bring a group of people together, you’re going to get all kinds of backgrounds, beliefs, cultural differences, and opinions. In a good group, everyone should feel welcome. You may not agree with everyone’s worldview, but you have the common ground of grief. You can support each other and learn from each other as you move toward the common goal of healing. However, if you prefer, there are groups that focus on approaching grief from a specific perspective or religion. Feel free to seek these groups out. The most important thing is your healing!

8. Educates you on what grief is and how to process it

A good grief support group will allow you to share what’s on your heart and mind, but it will also provide you with a better understanding of grief. You should learn more about what grief is, why we feel it, and how to process it in a healthy way. This could mean hearing about relaxation techniques, stress management, or outwardly processing your feelings through creativity, journaling, or exercise. Plus, as you listen to other members, you will glean from their experience and identify habits that will help you grieve.

9. Addresses your specific type of loss

This last quality is not a “must” for everyone, but it’s worth mentioning. Some people prefer to join a support group that focuses on a specific type of loss, such as spouse loss, child loss, or suicide loss. A group that focuses on general grief is excellent and worth joining, but if you feel the need to join a group that targets your specific form of loss, don’t ignore that need. There are countless groups out there – both online and in person. Attend a few different groups (give each group a fair shake) before settling on the one that best fits your needs.

While a support group won’t take away your grief, it should give you hope. There are good things to come, and you will find the healing you’re looking for. If you find that a grief support group isn’t right for you, that’s completely fine. Instead, consider talking to a grief counselor one-on-one. You don’t have to walk this road alone. There are people ready and willing to walk alongside you.

Resources

Your local funeral home should be able to point you to grief support groups in your specific area. Additionally, you can check out these online resources for grief support:

National Alliance for Children’s Grief (child)
The Compassionate Friends (all grief)
National Widowers Organization (widowers)
Soaring Spirits International (loss of spouse)
COPE (loss of sibling)
TAPS (loss of veteran or service member)
GriefShare (all grief)
MISS Foundation (loss of child)
SAVE (suicide loss)

Aug 02

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Yarn, knitting needles, and knitting projects laid out on a flat green surface

10 Ideas for Making a Funeral More Personal

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Personalization, Planning Tools No Comments

Each person deserves a final ceremony that is as unique as their individual life. These ceremonies should reflect the person’s unique personality and honor the memories they made during their lifetime. Here are a few ways you can create a personalized final farewell celebration.

Aug 01

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Open bright room with hospital bed and wheelchair

Does Hospice Provide Medical Equipment and Supplies?

By christy.kessler Hospice

For most families, hospice care takes place right inside the home. But your home isn’t a medical facility – how do you access the medical equipment and supplies needed to properly care for your terminally ill loved one?

Thankfully, Medicaid, Medicare, and most private insurance companies provide generous coverage for hospice care, including medical equipment and supplies. In most cases, the family won’t have to pay for any medical equipment or supplies out of pocket, but always confirm with your insurance provider so you don’t end up with unexpected expenses. Some insurance companies require that you acquire equipment from certain sellers.

Now, to give you a well-rounded understanding of hospice medical equipment and supplies, let’s review 6 frequently asked questions.

How do I know which medical equipment or supplies my loved one needs?

Short answer: Talk to your family member’s doctor. When you first request hospice care, both the primary care physician and the hospice medical director will assess your loved one’s overall health. If they certify that your loved one is eligible for hospice care, they will also determine what medical equipment and supplies are needed for your family member’s care.

Then, your hospice team of experts will work closely with you to coordinate the delivery and set-up of any equipment at your home. As your loved one’s condition changes, the equipment and supplies will change. For example, an oxygen tank may not be needed in the first month of hospice care, but it becomes necessary in the third month. Your loved one’s care is a continually evolving process, and your hospice team will help you navigate those changes.

Open bright room with hospital bed and wheelchair

What items qualify as “medical equipment”?

Medical equipment refers to items that are re-usable or intended for long-term use. Every hospice patient’s situation and care regimen are different, but some items commonly considered “medical equipment” are:

Hospital bed
Oxygen equipment
Geriatric recliner
Bedside commode or bedpan
Nebulizer
Shower chair
Wheelchair
CPAP machine
Blood pressure monitor
Walker or crutches
Bed lift
Feeding pump

This is not a comprehensive list, but it gives you a sense of which items are considered medical equipment. Your hospice team will continually assess your loved one’s condition and ensure that the right equipment is delivered when it becomes necessary.

Person putting on blue disposable gloves, wearing white lab coat

What items qualify as “medical supplies”?

On the other hand, medical supplies are designed for one-time use. They are often easier to acquire and will be replaced as needed. Here’s an example list of medical supplies:

Bandages and gauze
Briefs, pads, and other continence care supplies
Disposable gloves, needles, or syringes
Oxygen tubing
Personal care products, like soap and shampoo
Cushions and wedges
Catheters

You can certainly purchase any personal care items on your own, but hospice care will provide them, if you wish.

Younger woman checking older woman's blood pressure at home

Will someone show me how to use the medical equipment and supplies?

Absolutely. A member of your hospice team will clearly explain how to use each piece of medical equipment. They will also educate you on the correct use of any medical supplies, as you may need to clean wounds or administer medications. If you have questions, your hospice provider will provide an emergency assistance number.

What happens when the medical equipment is no longer needed?

As your loved one’s condition evolves, medical equipment will come and go in your home. When something is no longer needed, your hospice team will arrange its removal.

Man lying in hospital bed, talking to caring wife

Are there any extra supplies I should gather?

When you sign up for hospice care, the admissions nurse may suggest that you purchase a few supplies. While most things are provided through your insurance policy, there may be some items to purchase on your own. Confirm with your chosen hospice provider, but here are a few items you might choose to have on hand.

Twin sheets (two sets)
Disposable or cloth under-pads
Baby monitor or bell for the patient to use when they need help
Thermometer (forehead type is best)
Bendable straws (if the patient does not have swallowing issues)
Mild or bland food (like oatmeal, applesauce, pudding, or yogurt)
Night lights for hallways and rooms
Wastebasket near the bed
Loose nightshirt or nightgown

You are not required to have any of these items on hand, but it may make the transition to hospice less stressful if you are prepared in advance. You can always double-check with the hospice provider to see if they will provide these items. In some cases, they will.

If you have more questions, reach out to a respected hospice provider in your area. They can answer any additional concerns you may have, regarding medical equipment or hospice care in general.