christy.kessler

Since the beginning of time, humanity has recognized the need to observe the death of a loved one through some form of funeral. While the tradition of the funeral has changed from culture to culture over the ages, the fact remains that every culture finds a way to  remember and honor their dead. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief expert, counselor, and educator, has found that the funeral is more than just a ritual – it is an essential part of the grieving process because it helps us meet the six needs of mourning.

The 6 Needs of Mourning  

After talking with thousands of families, Dr. Wolfelt found that there are six essential needs of mourning. He believes these six needs are “the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”   

The six needs are:  

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death  
2. Moving toward the pain of loss  
3. Remembering the person who died  
4. Developing a new self-identity  
5. Searching for meaning  
6. Receiving ongoing support from others  

A funeral that meets all six of these needs creates a deeply healing and meaningful experience. A funeral like this can bring comfort and peace and helps each person start the grief journey on the right foot. Today, let’s explore how funerals help us begin to accept the reality of death.   

Funerals Create an Opportunity to Begin to Confront the Reality of Loss 

When a death first occurs, our minds often refuse to accept the reality of it at first. In some ways, we rebel against our new reality, and it’s only with time that the death begins to sink in. For those whose loved one battled a prolonged illness, accepting the reality of the death may come sooner, simply because the death was anticipated. However, for most deaths, we will experience a period of time – whether brief or long – where we (often unconsciously) refuse to accept what has happened and the change it brings to our lives.  

However, to experience healing after a loss, we must acknowledge what has happened, and the funeral is the first step. At the funeral, we are surrounded by people who are also mourning. If the family chooses, we may also view the body, which often helps the reality sink in. Once we see something for ourselves, it becomes true, and we begin to accept it. Until then, we can deny the reality. Whether the body is present or not, the service serves as a time to come face to face with our new reality.   

Funerals Move Us Toward Healing and Reconciliation 

After a loss, the goal isn’t to “get over” your grief; the goal is to reconcile yourself to the loss you’ve suffered and incorporate it into the story of your life. It’s about learning how to move forward. 

In order to begin the process of reconciliation, we must face the pain of loss. Dr Wolfelt says, “I have learned that we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.” A personalized and meaningful funeral is the first step toward healing and reconciliation. As we accept the reality of our loss, we can begin to process what this change means for our lives and create forward motion in our grief journey. Without a funeral, we can become stuck in our grief journey. It can take much longer to say goodbye, accept what has happened, and begin to move toward reconciliation.  

Funerals Help Us Shift Our Relationship to One of Memory 

Part of coming to grips with the reality of death is acknowledging a change of relationship. We no longer have a relationship based on the presence of our loved one; we now have a relationship based on memory. The funeral makes the loss more real, helping us transition to our new relationship status.  

It is normal, valuable, and right to mourn the loss of someone we love. We should find ways to honor their memory, like setting a place at the table, writing them a letter when we’ve left things unsaid, or carrying on their favorite traditions. But these helpful grieving actions can become less effective if the reality of loss is never accepted.  

Perhaps you’ve known someone who had trouble acknowledging the reality of a death. They can’t believe their loved one is gone; they continue to speak of the person in the present tense; act as if that person were still alive; do things a certain way because that person would have wanted them done that way. In order to heal and find continued meaning in life, we must accept our new reality and reconcile ourselves to the loss. The funeral is an important first step on that journey toward healing.  

While the depth of feeling varies from person to person, we can all agree that when someone we love dies, we feel many different emotions, like sadness, anger, relief, regret, among others. These feelings are absolutely normal – and nothing to be ashamed of – but how do we begin to process the pain we feel so that we can find peace and move forward with our lives? While it may surprise you, the funeral ritual is an important part of the grieving process, helping us begin the process of dealing with the pain we feel following the loss of someone we love.  

The 6 Needs of Mourning 

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief expert, counselor, and educator, has found that the funeral is more than just a ritual – it is an important part of grieving well and discovering the ability to move forward. After talking with thousands of families, Dr. Wolfelt found that a meaningful funeral helps meet six essential needs of mourning. He believes these six needs are “the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”    

The six needs are:   

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death   
2. Moving toward the pain of loss   
3. Remembering the person who died   
4. Developing a new self-identity   
5. Searching for meaning   
6. Receiving ongoing support from others   

A personalized funeral that encompasses all six of these needs becomes meaningful and healing. It creates a special moment in time that can bring comfort and peace and helps each person start the grief journey on the right foot. Today, let’s explore how funerals help us begin to process the pain we feel.   

Facing the Reality of Loss 

Dr. Wolfelt says, “From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of people I have counseled over the years, I have learned that we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.” In other words, we cannot take shortcuts. We must face the pain of our loss in order to move forward. The funeral or memorial service provides an opportunity to confront the reality of our loss. We can’t pretend or ignore what’s happened. With the presence of the body or cremation urn, we are encouraged to accept what has happened and begin learning how to incorporate the loss we’ve suffered into the story of our lives.  

Finding Outward Expression for Feelings of Grief

Losing a loved one brings a variety of emotions to the surface, sometimes conflicting and confusing emotions. The funeral provides an opportunity to express those emotions outwardly, among friends and family who love you and are there to support you. The funeral is a time and place when you can safely express your feelings without fear of judgment or reprimand. Rather than keeping your emotions bottled up inside, the funeral ritual encourages you to release the pain you feel. For many people, this means crying, sharing memories, and even laughing at stories that are shared. So, take advantage of the funeral or memorial. It is a special time dedicated to help you outwardly express your inward feelings.  

Putting You on the Path to a Healthy Grief Journey 

You may have heard that a funeral brings closure; this isn’t technically true. The funeral does bring a close to the logistical parts of loss – service, burial, cremation, etc. – but it doesn’t end the grief journey. In fact, the funeral marks a clear beginning to the grief journey. Before the funeral or memorial service, you may feel numb or stunned and confused by the loss. In a very real sense, you are “bereaved,” or ripped apart by the grief. But to reconcile yourself to the loss you’ve suffered, you need help putting the pieces back together, and the funeral is the first stage of the reconciliation process.

In fact, a meaningful final tribute creates a launching pad for a healthy grief journey. Not only does a meaningful service help you process and confront the pain you feel, it gives you the opportunity to express yourself, remember your loved one, and find a community of support for the days and months ahead. A well-planned funeral does not end your pain; it unveils it. And as Dr. Wolfelt says, “We cannot go around our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it.” With the loss of a loved one, a part of you is missing. The funeral sets you on the path toward reconciliation by helping you confront the pain of the loss rather than repress and ignore it.  

After the Funeral is Over 

While the funeral begins the process of dealing with the pain we feel, it is only the beginning of the grief journey. Depending on the depth of loss you’ve gone through, it may be too much to deal with all of your emotions at one time. In fact, it’s often best to process everything a little at a time. Dr. Wolfelt puts it this way: “You will probably discover that you need to ‘dose’ yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.” 

Ultimately, the goal is to reconcile yourself to the loss you’ve endured. It’s not about forgetting or never feeling sad again because you’ll always remember. Instead, it’s about finding a way to become a whole person again, without the physical presence of your loved one. It’s about learning to enjoy life again and finding renewed purpose and meaning so that you can live a healthy, peaceful life. The funeral is just one step in the grief process, but a necessary and important one. In many ways, it’s the door to a journey you didn’t want to take, but must. The funeral or memorial service will help you begin the hard work of grief by meeting your six primary needs as a mourner. 

While the form and tradition of the funeral has changed from culture to culture over the ages, the fact remains that every people group finds a way to remember and honor their dead. We still have the same need today. There is something necessary and beautiful about marking the passing of our loved ones and remembering their lives. But how do funerals actually help us remember a loved one?  

The 6 Needs of Mourning 

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief expert, counselor, and educator, has found that an authentic funeral helps meet six essential needs of mourning. He believes these six needs are “the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”   

The six needs are:  

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death  
2. Moving toward the pain of loss  
3. Remembering the person who died  
4. Developing a new self-identity  
5. Searching for meaning  
6. Receiving ongoing support from others  

The personalized funeral that encompasses all six of these needs becomes meaningful and healing. It creates a special moment in time that can bring comfort and peace and helps each person start the grief journey on the right foot. Today, let’s explore how funerals help us remember a loved one.  

A Time to Remember

One of the key purposes of a funeral is to allow people to take time out from all the everyday, busy things of life and focus on one person, one life. We take time out of our lives to acknowledge, remember, and actively share our cherished memories and recollections. 

A person’s life is made up of a series of relationships, interactions, choices, dreams, and activities. At the funeral or memorial service, we have the opportunity to visit the memorable moments of a person’s life and share the impact of those moments with other grieving people. Together, our memories create an accurate and often beautiful portrait of the person we love.  

Create a Relationship Based on Memory 

Through active remembrance, funerals help us begin to shift the nature of our relationship with the person who died. For the rest of your life, you will love this person, but now, they live in your memory and not in your presence. By recalling memories and sharing them with others, we begin the process of internally transitioning from a relationship of presence to one of memory. This is an important part of the grieving process because it is our memory that will remind us of our love for this special person, ensuring that they are never far from our hearts.  

Reflect on Your Loved One’s Life 

Lastly, funeral and memorial services help us remember the legacy of a loved one’s life. Funerals can be personalized to reflect your loved one’s values, beliefs, hobbies, interests, and more. In other words, their unique contribution to other people’s lives. So, display photos of their life in various ways. Decorate with their favorite color. Play a tribute video. Share stories about how the person’s life impacted yours; what you learned from their example; how you will carry them with you wherever you go from now on. Sharing your loved one’s legacy helps you to intentionally honor their life in a meaningful and personal way. Every story and every detail shared will help those who attend remember your loved one’s life and impact and carry those life lessons with them, even if they didn’t know your loved one very well.

When someone we love dies, our life is unalterably changed. We do not want death to occur, but it does. By taking time to remember our loved one at a funeral or memorial service, we honor their life and legacy. All in all, when we participate in a funeral or memorial, we join in an age-old tradition, one that has existed since the beginning of humanity. We remember and honor those we love, we seek to learn from their life’s example, and we acknowledge the value of their legacy, which lives on in the hearts of all who knew them. 

While the traditions surrounding the funeral have changed from culture to culture over the ages, the fact is that every culture finds a way to remember and honor their dead. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief counselor and educator, has found that the funeral is more than just a ritual – it is an important part of grieving well and discovering the ability to move forward.   

The 6 Needs of Mourning   

After talking with thousands of families, Dr. Wolfelt found that an authentic funeral helps meet six essential needs of mourning. He believes these six needs are “the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”    

The six needs are:   

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death   
2. Moving toward the pain of loss   
3. Remembering the person who died   
4. Developing a new self-identity   
5. Searching for meaning   
6. Receiving ongoing support from others   

A personalized funeral that encompasses all six of these needs becomes meaningful and healing. It creates a special moment in time that can bring comfort and peace and help each person start the grief journey on the right foot. Today, let’s explore how funerals help us come to terms with a new self-identity. 

Funerals Publicly Acknowledge a Change in Identity 

As social beings, part of our self-identity is formed by our relationships with others. We all have roles to play based on the people closest to us: husbands and wives; parents and children; grandparents and grandchildren; best friends; mentors. All of these identities are based on the relationships around us.

As soon as someone you love dies, the identity you’ve built in relationship to that person becomes fractured. We become literally “bereaved,” or “ripped apart” by the loss. The closer the relationship, the greater the sense of the loss of identity. For instance, your identity may shift quite suddenly from being a “wife” or “husband” to being a single mother or father. Or you may go from being a loving parent to being childless. Death causes a dramatic shift in how we perceive ourselves and our place in the world. A funeral or memorial publicly marks this change in identity. 

Additionally, it’s important to remember that guests at the funeral may also experience a change in identity. Perhaps they’ve lost a best friend, and life will look very different from now on. It’s important to remember that self-identity changes don’t just affect the bereaved family. They affect everyone who found some part of their identity through a relationship with the one who has died.  

Funerals Allow Others to Participate in this Change of Identity    

While you know internally that your identity has changed, the funeral or memorial also allows others to publicly mark your change in identity. By attending the service, it’s as if your friends and family are saying, “We see you, we acknowledge your pain, and we want you to know we care about you.” To move forward, it’s just as important for others to acknowledge your change in identity as it is for you to do so. 

We often turn to ceremonies to mark changes in identity, such as wedding ceremonies, graduation ceremonies, baby christenings, and even bar/bat mitzvahs and sweet sixteen birthday parties. A funeral is a similar right of passage into a new chapter of life, although it is not one we enter willingly. However, just as we do with other ceremonies, we welcome the people around us to join us, support us, and help us through the time of transition. As you move forward through your grief journey, the people you invite into your process will be witnesses to the transition and will offer their support and help along the way. 

Funerals Encourage Us to Embrace Our New Identity 

Even as we acknowledge our change in identity, we also have to decide what we are going to do with our new identity. Following a loss, we often ask ourselves, “What do I do now? How do I want to live my life?” Death has a way of bringing life into sharp focus. We re-evaluate our priorities. We decide what we want to carry with us into our future lives and what we will leave behind. Some people are launched in an entirely new direction. Others simply embrace the preciousness of life and find a way to more deeply value the life they have.  

While we didn’t necessarily want or ask for a new self-identity, it has happened. The funeral or memorial service allows us to publicly mark this significant change in our lives. Adjusting to our new identity may mean growing pains and difficult tasks. We may have to take on roles we didn’t before, like taking out the garbage, buying groceries, being both mom and dad to our kids. With every new task or role that you take on, your confidence will grow. Take the time you need to adjust. Ask friends and family for help. In time, you will find a way to move forward, developing renewed confidence in yourself and eventually accepting your new self-identity.  

Since the beginning of time, human beings have participated in funerals and found a way to remember and honor their dead. While the traditions look different from culture to culture, we always find evidence that family and friends were respected and taken care of with reverence after death. But how can a ritual focused on acknowledging death help us find continued meaning in life?  

The 6 Needs of Mourning  

 Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized author, grief counselor, and educator, has found that the funeral is more than just a ritual – it is an important part of the grieving process. He has found that an authentic funeral helps meet six essential needs of mourning. He believes these six needs are “the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”   

The six needs are:  

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death  
2. Moving toward the pain of loss  
3. Remembering the person who died  
4. Developing a new self-identity  
5. Searching for meaning  
6. Receiving ongoing support from others  

A personalized funeral that encompasses all six of these needs becomes meaningful and healing. It creates a special moment in time that can bring comfort and peace and helps each person start the grief journey on the right foot. Today, let’s explore how funerals help us find continued meaning in life.    

Funerals Give Us a Time and Place to Ask Questions About the Meaning of Life 

When someone dies, it’s natural for questions about the meaning of life and death to come to mind. Did this person have a good life? Why now and why this way? Why do we die? What happens next? The funeral or memorial gives us a time to consider these questions. You may think about the legacy left by the person who has died and wonder if your own will be similar or different. Do you want it to be different? What kind of impact do you want to have and are you working toward that? By asking ourselves these types of questions, we are actually asking, “Am I satisfied with my life? Is there something I want to change?” 

Funerals Help Us Begin to Find Answers that Give Us Peace 

Though you may not know the answers to your questions all at once, the simple act of thinking about why life is important and what it means leads you to think about how you want to live. Dr. Wolfelt says, “People who take the time and make the effort to create meaningful funeral arrangements when someone loved dies often end up making new arrangements in their own lives. They remember and reconnect with what is most meaningful to them in life…. They emerge changed, more authentic and purposeful. The best funerals remind us how we should live.”  

So, not only does the funeral mark the significance a life lived, it also encourages us to think about our own lives, goals, wishes, and dreams. Have you done what you wanted to do with your life? Is there something nagging at the back of your mind, but you haven’t committed to it? Funerals confront us with the impact of a single life and challenge us to find new meaning and purpose in our own lives.  

Funerals Remind Us That Life is Precious 

While we don’t like to think about death, funerals reinforce the fact that one day we will die. Perhaps that’s one reason why people may not like funerals in our culture today. We prefer to avoid topics that make us uncomfortable or scare us. But in reality, we need to remember that one day, we will die. Our time is limited and precious, so we need to find meaning and purpose now. The funeral or memorial service highlights how our loved one spent their life – how they found meaning and purpose. But what about you? You still have life left to live. How will you spend the time you have? What do you want to be spoken at your own funeral? The choice is yours.  

Funerals Encourage Us to Find Meaning and Purpose in Our Own Lives 

As you’ve probably gathered from our discussion so far, funerals make us think. First, you ask yourself questions. Then, even as you begin to contemplate and answer those questions, you are reminded that you, too, will die one day. Does your life today reflect your innermost wishes and dreams? If not, what should you change to make those dreams your reality? As Dr. Wolfelt says, “The best funerals remind us how we should live.” How do you want to live? Are you living that way today? If you aren’t, think about the life and legacy you want to leave behind and do the good work needed to make it happen. 

Since the beginning of time, humanity has participated in the funeral. While the way we conduct funerals has changed from culture to culture over the ages, the fact remains that every culture finds a way to remember and honor their dead. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief expert, counselor, and educator, has found that the funeral is more than just a ritual – it is an important part of grieving well and discovering the ability to move forward. But in order to move forward, we need others to walk with us. So, how do funerals help us activate a community of support?

The 6 Needs of Mourning 

After talking with thousands of families, Dr. Wolfelt found that an authentic funeral helps meet six essential needs of mourning. He believes these six needs are “the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”  

The six needs are: 

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death 
2. Moving toward the pain of loss 
3. Remembering the person who died 
4. Developing a new self-identity 
5. Searching for meaning 
6. Receiving ongoing support from others 

The personalized funeral that encompasses all six of these needs becomes meaningful and healing. It creates a special moment in time that can bring comfort and peace and helps each person start the grief journey on the right foot. Today, let’s explore how funerals help us activate a community of support.  

Funerals act as an invitation 

In general, we don’t like to feel like we are pushing ourselves on other people. We often shy away from a situation until we’re invited in. The funeral acts as that invitation. It’s a way of saying to others, “Come support me. I welcome your presence and compassion.” By inviting others in, you allow them to become a community of support – offering words of support, sharing stories, listening when you need to talk, and offering practical help while you grieve.  

Funerals bring people together 

The funeral brings together a wide variety of people in an atmosphere of love and support. At no other time would all of these same people be in one room. They are all present because they knew your loved one and want to pay their respects. Essentially, each person in the room is an opportunity for support. You are all going through the same loss (to varying degrees) and can all share stories and memories that can bring comfort and offer new insights into your loved one’s life. 

Funerals provide an opportunity to share memories 

A key component of funerals is storytelling. In the eulogy, at the gathering, through photo displays and the tribute video, a story is told. Your loved one’s story. Dr. Wolfelt says that “By sharing your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won’t make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn’t mean you are losing control or going ‘crazy.’ It is a normal part of your grief journey.” The funeral gives you a prime opportunity to talk about what you’re feeling to people who also know and love the person you’re grieving.  

Funerals allow us to express support through action 

At funerals, we can speak words of comfort or offer an encouraging hug. We can also send flowers or give other gifts of sympathy and support. For those who attend a funeral to support a living friend who has lost a loved one, the funeral is an opportunity to offer ways to help. “Can I watch the kids for you this week?” “What’s your favorite takeaway restaurant? I want to bring you dinner tonight.” We don’t have to walk through our grief alone. We can let others help us and support us. 

Funerals are an important social and traditional event. They give us an opportunity to celebrate, to cry, to remember, to laugh, and to truly honor a loved one’s life. Let’s do it well.  

To learn more about how to create a healing and meaningful funeral that will bring comfort and peace, click on the links below:  

7 Elements of a Healing and Meaningful Funeral 

Why Does Funeral Personalization Matter? 

Should a Funeral Be Efficient or Effective?