Skip to main content
search
All Posts By

christy.kessler

May 26
Love0

How Funerals Help Us Remember a Loved One

By Meaningful Funerals

While the form and tradition of the funeral has changed from culture to culture over the ages, the fact remains that every people group finds a way to remember and honor their dead. We still have the same need today. There is something necessary and beautiful about marking the passing of our loved ones and remembering their lives. But how do funerals actually help us remember a loved one?  

The 6 Needs of Mourning 

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief expert, counselor, and educator, has found that an authentic funeral helps meet six essential needs of mourning. He believes these six needs are “the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”   

The six needs are:  

  1. Acknowledging the reality of the death  
  2. Moving toward the pain of loss  
  3. Remembering the person who died  
  4. Developing a new self-identity  
  5. Searching for meaning  
  6. Receiving ongoing support from others  

The personalized funeral that encompasses all six of these needs becomes meaningful and healing. It creates a special moment in time that can bring comfort and peace and helps each person start the grief journey on the right foot. Today, let’s explore how funerals help us remember a loved one.  

 

A Time to Remember

One of the key purposes of a funeral is to allow people to take time out from all the everyday, busy things of life and focus on one person, one life. We take time out of our lives to acknowledge, remember, and actively share our cherished memories and recollections. 

A person’s life is made up of a series of relationships, interactions, choices, dreams, and activities. At the funeral or memorial service, we have the opportunity to visit the memorable moments of a person’s life and share the impact of those moments with other grieving people. Together, our memories create an accurate and often beautiful portrait of the person we love.  

Create a Relationship Based on Memory 

Through active remembrance, funerals help us begin to shift the nature of our relationship with the person who died. For the rest of your life, you will love this person, but now, they live in your memory and not in your presence. By recalling memories and sharing them with others, we begin the process of internally transitioning from a relationship of presence to one of memory. This is an important part of the grieving process because it is our memory that will remind us of our love for this special person, ensuring that they are never far from our hearts.  

Reflect on Your Loved One’s Life 

Lastly, funeral and memorial services help us remember the legacy of a loved one’s life. Funerals can be personalized to reflect your loved one’s values, beliefs, hobbies, interests, and more. In other words, their unique contribution to other people’s lives. So, display photos of their life in various ways. Decorate with their favorite color. Play a tribute video. Share stories about how the person’s life impacted yours; what you learned from their example; how you will carry them with you wherever you go from now on. Sharing your loved one’s legacy helps you to intentionally honor their life in a meaningful and personal way. Every story and every detail shared will help those who attend remember your loved one’s life and impact and carry those life lessons with them, even if they didn’t know your loved one very well.

When someone we love dies, our life is unalterably changed. We do not want death to occur, but it does. By taking time to remember our loved one at a funeral or memorial service, we honor their life and legacy. All in all, when we participate in a funeral or memorial, we join in an age-old tradition, one that has existed since the beginning of humanity. We remember and honor those we love, we seek to learn from their life’s example, and we acknowledge the value of their legacy, which lives on in the hearts of all who knew them. 

May 26
Love0

How Funerals Help Us Step into a New Identity

By Meaningful Funerals

While the traditions surrounding the funeral have changed from culture to culture over the ages, the fact is that every culture finds a way to remember and honor their dead. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief counselor and educator, has found that the funeral is more than just a ritual – it is an important part of grieving well and discovering the ability to move forward.   

The 6 Needs of Mourning   

After talking with thousands of families, Dr. Wolfelt found that an authentic funeral helps meet six essential needs of mourning. He believes these six needs are “the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”    

The six needs are:   

  1. Acknowledging the reality of the death   
  2. Moving toward the pain of loss   
  3. Remembering the person who died   
  4. Developing a new self-identity   
  5. Searching for meaning   
  6. Receiving ongoing support from others   

A personalized funeral that encompasses all six of these needs becomes meaningful and healing. It creates a special moment in time that can bring comfort and peace and help each person start the grief journey on the right foot. Today, let’s explore how funerals help us come to terms with a new self-identity. 

Funerals Publicly Acknowledge a Change in Identity 

As social beings, part of our self-identity is formed by our relationships with others. We all have roles to play based on the people closest to us: husbands and wives; parents and children; grandparents and grandchildren; best friends; mentors. All of these identities are based on the relationships around us.

As soon as someone you love dies, the identity you’ve built in relationship to that person becomes fractured. We become literally “bereaved,” or “ripped apart” by the loss. The closer the relationship, the greater the sense of the loss of identity. For instance, your identity may shift quite suddenly from being a “wife” or “husband” to being a single mother or father. Or you may go from being a loving parent to being childless. Death causes a dramatic shift in how we perceive ourselves and our place in the world. A funeral or memorial publicly marks this change in identity. 

Additionally, it’s important to remember that guests at the funeral may also experience a change in identity. Perhaps they’ve lost a best friend, and life will look very different from now on. It’s important to remember that self-identity changes don’t just affect the bereaved family. They affect everyone who found some part of their identity through a relationship with the one who has died.  

Funerals Allow Others to Participate in this Change of Identity    

While you know internally that your identity has changed, the funeral or memorial also allows others to publicly mark your change in identity. By attending the service, it’s as if your friends and family are saying, “We see you, we acknowledge your pain, and we want you to know we care about you.” To move forward, it’s just as important for others to acknowledge your change in identity as it is for you to do so. 

We often turn to ceremonies to mark changes in identity, such as wedding ceremonies, graduation ceremonies, baby christenings, and even bar/bat mitzvahs and sweet sixteen birthday parties. A funeral is a similar right of passage into a new chapter of life, although it is not one we enter willingly. However, just as we do with other ceremonies, we welcome the people around us to join us, support us, and help us through the time of transition. As you move forward through your grief journey, the people you invite into your process will be witnesses to the transition and will offer their support and help along the way. 

Funerals Encourage Us to Embrace Our New Identity 

Even as we acknowledge our change in identity, we also have to decide what we are going to do with our new identity. Following a loss, we often ask ourselves, “What do I do now? How do I want to live my life?” Death has a way of bringing life into sharp focus. We re-evaluate our priorities. We decide what we want to carry with us into our future lives and what we will leave behind. Some people are launched in an entirely new direction. Others simply embrace the preciousness of life and find a way to more deeply value the life they have.  

While we didn’t necessarily want or ask for a new self-identity, it has happened. The funeral or memorial service allows us to publicly mark this significant change in our lives. Adjusting to our new identity may mean growing pains and difficult tasks. We may have to take on roles we didn’t before, like taking out the garbage, buying groceries, being both mom and dad to our kids. With every new task or role that you take on, your confidence will grow. Take the time you need to adjust. Ask friends and family for help. In time, you will find a way to move forward, developing renewed confidence in yourself and eventually accepting your new self-identity.  

May 26
Love0

How Funerals Help Us Find Continued Meaning in Life

By Meaningful Funerals

Since the beginning of time, human beings have participated in funerals and found a way to remember and honor their dead. While the traditions look different from culture to culture, we always find evidence that family and friends were respected and taken care of with reverence after death. But how can a ritual focused on acknowledging death help us find continued meaning in life?  

The 6 Needs of Mourning  

 Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized author, grief counselor, and educator, has found that the funeral is more than just a ritual – it is an important part of the grieving process. He has found that an authentic funeral helps meet six essential needs of mourning. He believes these six needs are “the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”   

The six needs are:  

  1. Acknowledging the reality of the death  
  2. Moving toward the pain of loss  
  3. Remembering the person who died  
  4. Developing a new self-identity  
  5. Searching for meaning  
  6. Receiving ongoing support from others  

A personalized funeral that encompasses all six of these needs becomes meaningful and healing. It creates a special moment in time that can bring comfort and peace and helps each person start the grief journey on the right foot. Today, let’s explore how funerals help us find continued meaning in life.    

Funerals Give Us a Time and Place to Ask Questions About the Meaning of Life 

When someone dies, it’s natural for questions about the meaning of life and death to come to mind. Did this person have a good life? Why now and why this way? Why do we die? What happens next? The funeral or memorial gives us a time to consider these questions. You may think about the legacy left by the person who has died and wonder if your own will be similar or different. Do you want it to be different? What kind of impact do you want to have and are you working toward that? By asking ourselves these types of questions, we are actually asking, “Am I satisfied with my life? Is there something I want to change?” 

Funerals Help Us Begin to Find Answers that Give Us Peace 

Though you may not know the answers to your questions all at once, the simple act of thinking about why life is important and what it means leads you to think about how you want to live. Dr. Wolfelt says, “People who take the time and make the effort to create meaningful funeral arrangements when someone loved dies often end up making new arrangements in their own lives. They remember and reconnect with what is most meaningful to them in life…. They emerge changed, more authentic and purposeful. The best funerals remind us how we should live.”  

So, not only does the funeral mark the significance a life lived, it also encourages us to think about our own lives, goals, wishes, and dreams. Have you done what you wanted to do with your life? Is there something nagging at the back of your mind, but you haven’t committed to it? Funerals confront us with the impact of a single life and challenge us to find new meaning and purpose in our own lives.  

Funerals Remind Us That Life is Precious 

While we don’t like to think about death, funerals reinforce the fact that one day we will die. Perhaps that’s one reason why people may not like funerals in our culture today. We prefer to avoid topics that make us uncomfortable or scare us. But in reality, we need to remember that one day, we will die. Our time is limited and precious, so we need to find meaning and purpose now. The funeral or memorial service highlights how our loved one spent their life – how they found meaning and purpose. But what about you? You still have life left to live. How will you spend the time you have? What do you want to be spoken at your own funeral? The choice is yours.  

Funerals Encourage Us to Find Meaning and Purpose in Our Own Lives 

As you’ve probably gathered from our discussion so far, funerals make us think. First, you ask yourself questions. Then, even as you begin to contemplate and answer those questions, you are reminded that you, too, will die one day. Does your life today reflect your innermost wishes and dreams? If not, what should you change to make those dreams your reality? As Dr. Wolfelt says, “The best funerals remind us how we should live.” How do you want to live? Are you living that way today? If you aren’t, think about the life and legacy you want to leave behind and do the good work needed to make it happen. 

May 26
Love0

How Funerals Help Us Activate a Community of Support

By Meaningful Funerals

Since the beginning of time, humanity has participated in the funeral. While the way we conduct funerals has changed from culture to culture over the ages, the fact remains that every culture finds a way to remember and honor their dead. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief expert, counselor, and educator, has found that the funeral is more than just a ritual – it is an important part of grieving well and discovering the ability to move forward. But in order to move forward, we need others to walk with us. So, how do funerals help us activate a community of support?

The 6 Needs of Mourning 

After talking with thousands of families, Dr. Wolfelt found that an authentic funeral helps meet six essential needs of mourning. He believes these six needs are “the most central to healing in grief. In other words, bereaved people who have these needs met, through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”  

The six needs are: 

  1. Acknowledging the reality of the death 
  2. Moving toward the pain of loss 
  3. Remembering the person who died 
  4. Developing a new self-identity 
  5. Searching for meaning 
  6. Receiving ongoing support from others 

The personalized funeral that encompasses all six of these needs becomes meaningful and healing. It creates a special moment in time that can bring comfort and peace and helps each person start the grief journey on the right foot. Today, let’s explore how funerals help us activate a community of support.  

Funerals act as an invitation 

In general, we don’t like to feel like we are pushing ourselves on other people. We often shy away from a situation until we’re invited in. The funeral acts as that invitation. It’s a way of saying to others, “Come support me. I welcome your presence and compassion.” By inviting others in, you allow them to become a community of support – offering words of support, sharing stories, listening when you need to talk, and offering practical help while you grieve.  

Funerals bring people together 

The funeral brings together a wide variety of people in an atmosphere of love and support. At no other time would all of these same people be in one room. They are all present because they knew your loved one and want to pay their respects. Essentially, each person in the room is an opportunity for support. You are all going through the same loss (to varying degrees) and can all share stories and memories that can bring comfort and offer new insights into your loved one’s life. 

Funerals provide an opportunity to share memories 

A key component of funerals is storytelling. In the eulogy, at the gathering, through photo displays and the tribute video, a story is told. Your loved one’s story. Dr. Wolfelt says that “By sharing your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won’t make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn’t mean you are losing control or going ‘crazy.’ It is a normal part of your grief journey.” The funeral gives you a prime opportunity to talk about what you’re feeling to people who also know and love the person you’re grieving.  

Funerals allow us to express support through action 

At funerals, we can speak words of comfort or offer an encouraging hug. We can also send flowers or give other gifts of sympathy and support. For those who attend a funeral to support a living friend who has lost a loved one, the funeral is an opportunity to offer ways to help. “Can I watch the kids for you this week?” “What’s your favorite takeaway restaurant? I want to bring you dinner tonight.” We don’t have to walk through our grief alone. We can let others help us and support us. 

Funerals are an important social and traditional event. They give us an opportunity to celebrate, to cry, to remember, to laugh, and to truly honor a loved one’s life. Let’s do it well.  

To learn more about how to create a healing and meaningful funeral that will bring comfort and peace, click on the links below:  

7 Elements of a Healing and Meaningful Funeral 

Why Does Funeral Personalization Matter? 

Should a Funeral Be Efficient or Effective? 

May 18
Love0

Helping a Friend Grieving the Loss of a Pet

By Grief/Loss, Pets

In so many ways, pets are family, too. Because we have the ability to create such deep connections to the animals we love, their loss affects us deeply. The more you lean on a pet for stability and companionship, the greater you feel their loss. For those who put a lot of time and energy into a pet, that loss can create an empty hole in that person’s life. So, as a friend, what can you do to support someone who is grieving the loss of a pet?

Realize that every grief journey is different

We grieve many things throughout our lives: loved ones, pets, relationships, jobs, etc. Each time we feel any type of loss, grief is a natural consequence. The grief may vary in its intensity, but it’s still there. So, even though you may not understand or perhaps you’re not really an animal person, realize that your friend’s grief journey is very real. For them, it’s deep and true and difficult. Accept the complexity of what they feel and look for ways to support and walk alongside them. They need friendship, kind actions, and a listening ear for the road ahead.

Allow them to express their feelings

When we feel loss, many emotions get pent up inside, so let your friend express their feelings without fear of judgment. You may not fully understand the depth of their emotions, but that doesn’t matter. This isn’t about understanding; it’s about sympathizing. Be a safe place. Be ready to hear and recount stories. Show compassion and a willingness to listen. You may hear the same stories again and again. That’s okay – telling the “stories” is a way of grieving and may be exactly what your friend needs.

Don’t try to fix it

Grief is not something wrong that needs to be fixed. Grief is the natural consequence of love. For so many of us, grief has almost become a negative emotion, but in reality, grief is beautiful. It means that we truly loved, that we felt deeply, that we were able to open up our hearts to someone or something. So, don’t try to fix your friend’s grief; allow them to experience it so they can truly heal. Some ways that we may try to fix grief are:

  • Suggesting they get a new pet right away
  • Minimizing the loss through words or actions
  • Brushing over their feelings

Instead, let them embrace the pain. Only by confronting our pain can we begin to process it and find the healing we need to move forward.

Help them celebrate and remember their pet

There are many memorial options for remembering and celebrating our pets. For a few ideas, read 7 Pet Memorial Options. Or, if you have young children, go to 10 Family-Focused Pet Remembrance Ideas. The point isn’t to forget and move on. The true end goal of grief is to learn how to incorporate the loss into your life, reconcile yourself to what life looks like now, and find a way to move forward. So, help your friend find ways to grieve in a healthy way by celebrating their pet and never forgetting the incredible impact pets can have on our lives.

Look for ways to let them know you care

It’s really the little things that mean the most. A quick phone call to ask how they’re doing. A sympathy card with personal comments about their pet and how he or she will be missed. Sending a bouquet of flowers to bring a sense of cheer. An invitation to go on a walk to enjoy the pleasant weather. Or, send in a donation to an organization that benefits animals in remembrance of your friend’s pet. All of these things (and more!) will let your friend know that you truly care and want to stand by them as they mourn their loss.

While grief for a pet may be short-lived for some, it may be a much longer road for others. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date or a time frame. It takes the time it takes, so be ready for the long haul. Check in with them regularly. Allow your friend to feel what they feel. And be a friend always.

May 18
Love0

10 Helpful Tips When Grieving a Loss

By Grief/Loss

Today, grieving can be difficult. Those who grieve often feel like they must “be strong” for others, whether it be family members, co-workers, or even strangers. We live in a world that encourages us to hide our pain and appear like we’ve “got it all together.” Many of us even shy away from our own pain, fearing that if we let our feelings have free rein, we will be seen as “out of control.” Our minds rebel against the idea of anyone seeing our pain, how deeply affected we are, how not okay we feel inside. But expressing our grief is the first step on the road to healing.

Grief is the natural result of love. When we love deeply and wholly, we open ourselves up to the grief that will come when the person we love dies. And while death is a part of life, the certainty of death doesn’t make it any easier. Did you know that the word “bereaved” literally means “to be torn apart”? So, by that definition, when we are grieving, we are being torn apart inside. It’s no wonder that we can become so tired, withdrawn, and quiet during times of loss.

The simple truth is that it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to NOT “be strong” in the face of loss. It’s okay to give yourself permission to grieve, to give outward expression to the internal anguish of your soul. We need to be free to express our emotions, not hide from them or feel ashamed of them. They are what they are, and they are a natural response to what we’ve lost.

It will take time and intentionality to come to grips with everything you think and feel. The following grieving tips are meant to assist you and give you useful tools for navigating through the ups and downs of the coming months.

10 Helpful Tips When Grieving a Loss

1. Anticipate feeling a range of emotions.

People experience a wide spectrum of feelings at the loss of a loved one: shock, numbness, denial, confusion, yearning, anxiety, fear, guilt, sadness, relief, and more. You will certainly feel some – if not all – of these. It’s normal and natural to do so.

2. Don’t be afraid of your feelings.

You feel what you feel. It is what it is, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the emotions that may be coursing through you. We all feel loss differently, and there is no comparison because every person and individual relationship is unique. Try not to stifle, ignore, or stuff down your feelings. Instead, accept that you feel what you feel and it’s okay.

3. Give yourself time.

Grief is a journey, not an event. You will need time to come to grips with what life looks like without your loved one. You aren’t necessarily going to spring back into life the way it was. It’s okay to give yourself a little space and take more breaks. Grief is hard work, and you need time to work through it.

4. Find ways to express your grief.

What you do is going to depend on your personality. For some, it’s helpful to go into the backyard and chop wood or go to the batting cages and just whack the balls over and over again. For others, creative expression is helpful. Many times, journaling, creative writing, painting, drawing, arts & crafts, or other types of self-expression help us make sense of the seemingly senseless feelings going on inside. And if you are a person of faith, prayer, meditation, or worship, these activities can help you express your grief.

5. Take care of yourself.

Most people feel more tired and less energetic when they are grieving. For this reason, it’s important to get plenty of sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, stay hydrated, limit your caffeine intake, and sleep with your bedroom dark and relaxing. Additionally, eat healthy foods and participate in some kind of physical activity on a regular basis.

One thing to watch out for is numbing activities. It may start out as a coping mechanism but beware of allowing numbing activities to distract you from dealing with your grief. Common numbing activities are food, alcohol or drugs, anger, excessive exercise, TV or movies, books, isolating yourself, shopping, or losing yourself in work. While these may help you cope, they won’t help you heal and move forward after a loss.

6. Allow others to walk alongside you.

You don’t have to walk this road alone. In fact, it will be much less stressful if you do accept help from others. There’s an incredible scene in The Return of the King, the third installment of The Lord of the Rings. Throughout all three movies, Samwise Gamgee has faithfully walked alongside his dearest friend, Frodo Baggins. Together, as they seek to destroy a powerful ring and save all of Middle Earth, they face danger and hardships, feel lost and hopeless, and at one point, Sam even fears that Frodo has died. And then, the moment comes. Frodo is so near the end of this incredibly taxing quest – this journey that has sapped him physically, mentally, and emotionally – and he says, “I can’t do this, Sam.” After some fortifying words, Sam says, “I can’t carry it [the ring] for you, but I can carry you!” This is why we need friends along the hard journeys in life. They can’t carry our burdens for us, but they can help carry us along; they can provide the support we need to move forward and find new life and new meaning.

7. Take time to talk about your grief.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk with a safe person about the emotions swirling around inside you. If you aren’t much of a talker or aren’t ready to be vulnerable with someone, write your thoughts down. However, if talking to friends and family simply isn’t working, then consider the benefits of a grief counselor. Sometimes the grief we feel is so incredibly deep that we need help getting back onto solid ground. If that’s you, it’s okay. You aren’t alone, and there is help.

8. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

During times of grief, we often turn our focus inward. While this tendency is natural, it may also lead to feelings of isolation and intense, singular focus on the loss we have suffered. Cultivating a lifestyle of gratitude can help you better process a loss by moving your eyes beyond your pain, allowing you to see the good things in life that still remain. Gratitude increases positive emotions and overall well-being, improves sleep, and fosters resilience.

9. Keep your loved one’s memory alive with traditions.

While death deprives us of a loved one’s physical presence, that doesn’t mean we’ve lost everything we love about that person. Our relationship becomes one based on memory rather than physical presence. So, use traditions to keep a loved one’s memory alive. Our personal traditions encourage us to remember. They comfort us and give us a sense of familiarity and peace. For example, if you and your loved one watched a certain movie every Christmas or birthday, keep the tradition alive as a way to feel close to them.

10. Treasure your memories.

Write them down. Tell the stories to others. Share the essence of the one you loved with those around you and keep their legacy alive. Your memories are your own to cherish forever and will be a continual reserve of peace and comfort. The grief journey is a meandering way, filled with many steps. And part of the journey is traveling back into your memories in order to move forward toward reconciliation. Your loved one may be gone, but their memory need never die.

May 04
Love0

10 Freedoms for Using Ceremony During the COVID-19 Pandemic

By Uncategorized

If someone you love has died during the novel coronavirus pandemic, you have come to grief in an exceptionally challenging moment in history. You may have been separated from your loved one as they were dying. You may have been unable to view or spend time with the body after the death. You may have been prevented from having the full funeral you wanted because of gathering and travel restrictions. And people who care about you may not have been able to be near you to support you in your grief. These and other pandemic-related barriers to the cultural grief rituals we rely on may be making your grief journey especially painful.

I am sorry you have been so deeply affected by this hardship.

As a grief counselor and educator, I know that ceremony helps mourners through the early days and weeks of their grief and can also support their healing in the months and years to come. Funerals are for the living. When funerals are personalized and rich in elements that are meaningful to friends and family, they help mourners set off on a healthy mourning path.

But if you couldn’t have an immediate funeral because of the pandemic, or if the ceremony you were able to have felt incomplete or unsatisfactory, I want you to know that you can still use ceremony to help you and others who are mourning this death. I hope these ten freedoms provide you with affirmation and ideas.

1. You have the freedom to embrace ceremony.

The funeral does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It also helps provide you with the support of caring people. It is a way for you and others who loved the person who died to say, “We mourn this death, and we need each other during this painful time.” If others tell you that funerals are unnecessary or old-fashioned, don’t listen. They simply haven’t been educated about all the reasons why humans have relied on funerals since the beginning of time.

2. You have the freedom to hold an immediate private ceremony.

If you were not able to have a bedside ceremony, funeral, committal, or any form of service shortly after the death, you can choose to have a private ceremony right now. Ask a spiritual leader, officiant, family member, or friend to help you plan a simple online meeting using Zoom, Teams, or another tool. You can also hold a small candle-lighting ceremony at your dining-room table.

3. You have the freedom to plan one or more ceremonies to be held later.

Especially if you couldn’t have the ceremony you wanted at the time of the death, you can still hold one or more memorial ceremonies in the months to come, when gathering and travel restrictions are lifted. Remember that a delayed ceremony is a much healthier choice for your family than no ceremony.

4. Yes, you have the freedom to have more than one ceremony!

Ceremony helps grieving people heal. And multiple ceremonies are especially helpful in supporting families through complicated loss circumstances such as yours. For example, you might have an online ceremony now followed by a full ceremony and gathering later this year and then a smaller graveside or scattering ceremony on the anniversary of the death. You will find that each time you hold a ceremony, your grief softens and integrates into your ongoing life a bit more.

5. You have the freedom to plan a ceremony that will meet the unique needs of your family.

Keep in mind that any ceremonies you plan can and should be customized to honor the unique person who died as well as meet your unique family’s needs and wishes. There are no real rules about what you should or shouldn’t do, and your ceremony can be spiritual, religious, or secular—whatever you wish.

6. You have the freedom to feel all of your feelings about the circumstances of the death as well as any ceremony difficulties you may be having.

Because of the challenging and limiting circumstances in which your loved one died, you may be experiencing heightened anger, anxiety, guilt, regret, helplessness, despair, and other difficult feelings in addition to your normal grief. Remember that your feelings are naturally complicated because the situation is complicated. Talking out your feelings regularly with a trusted listener will help.

7. You have the freedom to make use of memories.

You may feel “stuck” in this pandemic moment, unable to carry out all the actions you would like to in honor of the person who died, but you still have the freedom to lean upon your memories. During this dormant time, gathering photos, video clips, memorabilia, and life stories will help you acknowledge the reality of the death and honor the life that was lived. Sharing memories with others will help everyone as well. Then, when it comes time to have a memorial service in the coming months, photos and memories will already be prepared.

8. You have the freedom to reach out and connect.

The isolation you may be experiencing as a result of the pandemic is not conducive to healing. You need and deserve the support of others during this challenging time. Others mourning the death need support as well. So, even if you can’t gather in person with others right now, you can still reach out for and accept support. Talk openly and honestly with the people in your home and be as empathetic as you can. To communicate with others outside your home, video calls are probably the best substitute for face-to-face conversations. Voice calls come second. After that, emails, texting, and social media work too. And don’t forget the power of the handwritten letter! The point is to stay connected as much as possible AND to be open and honest in those communications about whatever it is you are feeling or struggling with at the moment.

9. You have the freedom to ask others to be involved in any ceremonies you plan.

Funeral and memorial ceremonies can have lots of moving parts and may require a good deal of planning. Many hands make light work. You can ask several people to help with the planning and carrying out of tasks. In fact, ceremonies in which many people take part are often the most meaningful to everyone involved. You do not need to do this alone.

10. You have the freedom to move toward your grief and heal.

When it comes to grieving the death of this precious person, you may feel somewhat in limbo during the pandemic. An immediate ceremony will help you feel a degree of progress. In addition, you can move toward your grief by acknowledging and expressing your feelings (see number 6, above), doing memory work (number 7), and reaching out to others (number 8). Giving attention to your natural and necessary grief in all these ways is essential.

Thank you for entrusting me to teach you about the ten freedoms for using ceremony during the pandemic. Despite the restrictions, I hope you will find ways to use ceremony to befriend your grief and begin to heal. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Godspeed.

About the Author

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., is an author, educator, and grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many bestselling books on coping with grief, including Grief One Day at a Time and First Aid for Broken Hearts. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about grief and loss.

May 04
Love0

6 Ways to Use Photos to Honor a Loved One

By COVID-19, Meaningful Funerals, Memorial, Technology and Grief

With the current guidelines on social distancing, we must find ways of honoring and memorializing a loved one other than gathering together for a funeral or memorial service. Consider these ideas for using photos to honor and remember your loved one’s life together, even if you have to be apart for the time being.

1. Personalize a Memorial Website with Photos

Sometimes, we aren’t all able to come together to honor a loved one’s life, which is why online options are perfect for those who can’t attend a funeral because they live far away or are dealing with unexpected circumstances. With a memorial website, you can personalize the look with meaningful photos and invite others to leave comments, stories, and their own photos of your loved one. If you’d rather not create a memorial website, you can create a memorial page on Facebook (or another social media platform) instead.

2. Make a Tribute Video

With a tribute video, you can use photos, audio clips, video clips, favorite quotes, and so much more to create a truly personal account of your loved one’s life. Whether at a memorial website or other social media platform, a tribute video adds a meaningful element. A video allows family and friends to reflect on their memories, receive comfort, and laugh or cry as they remember a loved one. Additionally, a tribute video can be a special keepsake to be watched for years to come.

3. Distribute a Sharing Link for Photos

Another way to include others in honoring a loved one digitally is through a photo-sharing site. In other words, create a place where people can view your photos and share their own. For instance, you can use Flickr, Dropbox, Facebook, or even Instagram (using a personalized hashtag) to facilitate photo viewing and sharing. By sharing photos in this way, you invite others to discuss their own memories of your loved one. As an added bonus, you get to see moments of your loved one’s life that you may never have known. Together, everyone will have a more complete view of your loved one’s life and can honor its significance.

4. Order a Memory Book

Memory books can be easily created online using apps that lay out your photos into a book format. You can either request that the photo book service arrange the book for you or you can personalize it yourself. Whichever option you choose, a memory book is a wonderful keepsake gift. You can create it simply for yourself or you can make it available to other family members who would enjoy it. A few popular services are Shutterfly, Snapfish, and Mixbook. If you’d prefer to create a scrapbook instead, feel free to do that as well!

5. Print Photos on Canvas

Another wonderful option for a memorial keepsake is to print some of your favorite photos on canvas. There are many services that will create a personalized canvas print for you. Simply put in the order online and wait for your print! Once the print arrives, you can place it in a special place in your home. Also, you might consider printing photos on canvas as a wonderful memorial keepsake or gift for loved ones.

6. Frame a Collage of Prints

Alternatively, you can order prints online and frame a collage of photos of your loved one for yourself or for a family member. This special remembrance will help you continue to honor the memories of your loved one in a very special way. And again, you can present the collage to family and friends as a keepsake item. Or, you can get together, in person or online, and each create your own photo collage. In this way, you can honor your loved one’s life while also sharing memories with those you love.

Whether you implement one or all these ideas, photos are an excellent way to personally and meaningfully honor a loved one’s life. After all, your loved one’s life is as completely unique as every photo that records their extraordinary life.

For ideas on how to use photos to personalize a funeral service, click here.

May 04
Love0

6 Ideas for Holding Funeral Services While Practicing Social Distancing

By Uncategorized

Over the past few weeks, we’ve seen how important funeral and memorial services are to the grieving. Funerals serve two very important functions. First, they honor the life of the person who has died, and second, they bring comfort and solace to the grieving. With social distancing restrictions in place, many families feel an extra blow after a loss. They not only lose someone they love, they also lose their chance to grieve surrounded by the comfort of family and friends.

The news is now riddled with heartbreaking headlines telling the story of these difficult days:

However, all is not lost. Across the nation, families and funeral homes have been working together to implement innovative and creative ways to navigate our grief with meaningful ceremonies. Let’s take a look at a few ideas for holding a meaningful funeral service while practicing social distancing.

Online Arrangements

After the loss of a loved one, the family sits down to plan a meaningful final tribute. Now, families can meet with the funeral home staff virtually through video conferencing technology like Zoom, Microsoft Teams, or Skype. By going virtual, the family can stay within the safety of their own home while getting the details of a service taken care of. And with the addition of technology to sign contracts online, the family can sign all the necessary documents without ever leaving home.

Drive-thru Viewing/Visitation

The viewing or visitation can be one of the most meaningful parts of the grieving process. But with social distancing restrictions, friends and family are not able to attend these types of events. To fill the need, funeral homes are now offering “drive-thru” and “walk-through” viewings and visitations. In this way, mourners can pass by a window to view the body of the deceased and pay their final respects in person. Some funeral homes have offered “walk-through” visitations, where supporters can wave to immediate family members from a window or from a safe distance.

Stand-in Supporters

Grieving without the presence of loved ones is one of the most painful results of experiencing a loss during the coronavirus pandemic. So, several funeral homes have come up with ideas for helping the grieving family feel that their friends and family are with them in spirit. Some place long-stem roses in the empty chairs and some chapels have started offering a “Hugs from Home” program, which gives family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors the opportunity to submit a message of love, support, and encouragement for the family’s private service. Then, the funeral home prints the messages and attaches it to a white balloon. When the grieving family comes to the private funeral ceremony, the chapel is filled with white balloons. These messages of support show the family that friends and relatives are there with them.

Livestream Services

Another way that families can include their extended network at a funeral or memorial service is to livestream the event. More and more funeral homes have added livestream services so families can easily request this service. Families can also use services such as Facebook Live to stream events from a tablet or smartphone. Using these services allows family and friends to view a service from the safety of their own home. Also, in some cities, funeral homes have set up drive-in funeral theaters in parking lots and cemeteries, allowing mourners to come together within the safety of their vehicles to watch the livestreamed service together.

Processions

Funeral processions are a powerful symbol of solidarity and support for a grieving family. Thankfully, they are one aspect of the funeral that allows mourners to maintain social distancing. Some funeral processions during the coronavirus outbreak have become more elaborate, including 50 tractors for a local farmer who died.

Sympathy Gifts and Messages

Many friends, coworkers, and extended family are unable to attend funeral or memorial services, so they are showing their support through an abundance of flowers and memorial gifts, not to mention sympathy cards, phone calls, texts, and social media messages. All of these thoughtful actions create a sense of support. This way, the grieving family feels the presence of friends and family, even though they cannot be there in person.

As each day passes, families and funeral directors are collaborating to come up with innovative ideas for grieving. If you have lost a loved one and need to plan a service, contact the funeral homes in your area. They can share with you how they are helping families stay safe and grieve well during this COVID-19 crisis.

Apr 21
Love0

Funerals in the Time of Coronavirus: Thoughts for Families

By Uncategorized

Needless to say, the coronavirus pandemic of 2020 is a challenging time for everyone. But if someone you love has died, it is likely that the current social distancing orders and travel restrictions are making funeral planning especially difficult for your family.

Losing a loved one is hard enough. Losing a loved one at a time of unprecedented upheaval and limitations may seem overwhelming. I am sorry you have been put in this position, and I hope this article will help your family find ways to meet your mourning needs and honor the person who died while making any necessary adjustments to keep everyone safe.

Spending Time with the Body

Before cremation or burial, spending time with the body of a loved one who has died helps mourners truly and fully acknowledge the reality of the death. It also provides a precious last chance to say goodbye “in person.” When possible and culturally appropriate, I always recommend at least a few minutes of private family time with the body, both at the place of death, when possible, and at the funeral home. Public visitations for all mourners are also very meaningful, as are funerals in which the body is present (in a casket or urn) during the ceremony.

During the pandemic, you may encounter hurdles, however. If visitor or travel restrictions made it impossible for you to be with the dying person at home or in the hospital or nursing home, I urge you to spend time with the body at the funeral home if you can (again, whether before burial or cremation). If the person died of COVID-19, you may wonder if it is safe to spend time with the body or have an open-casket visitation. Rest assured that at the time of this writing, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has stated that because the virus spreads by exhaled or sneezed droplets, there is no known risk associated with spending time with the body after death, though out of an abundance of caution, they have advised families not to touch, kiss, or handle the body. The funeral home you are working with has the expertise to manage this situation safely.

Planning the Funeral

First let me say that funerals are meaningful, essential rites of passage. We have had funerals since the beginning of time because they help us:

  • acknowledge the reality of a death
  • remember the person who died and share those memories with others
  • support one another in our grief
  • express our inner thoughts and feelings
  • mark the significance of the life that was lived
  • embrace the wonder of life and death

I realize that many people today, through no fault of their own, have never been taught these reasons why funerals are so critically important. And so, especially during this strange, stressful time, you may be tempted to simply skip the funeral altogether. It may seem an easier and more practical choice. Yet for you and for the other mourners, this would be a lasting mistake. When no ceremony is held, I have learned from many mourners that in the months and years after the death, they often feel a surreal sense that the death didn’t really happen. They commonly feel lonely and unsupported, and they also tend to feel regret over not having adequately honored the life of the person who died.

Yet while funerals are extremely important, I also understand that funeral planning may be much more difficult right now. I hope the following ideas will help you find ways to address any hurdles you may be encountering.

Try to have an initial funeral service in a timely fashion.

Because funerals are so effective at helping us embark on a healthy mourning path, anything that delays the funeral also delays the natural healing process. I recommend having a service shortly after the death if at all possible. Keep in mind that you can have more than one service for a loved one, however. If pandemic gathering and travel restrictions prevent you from having a larger ceremony, consider having a small, brief service right now (possibly a graveside committal service or a brief service preceding cremation), with the closest mourners present, followed by a larger memorial service later on. If there are more than ten people in your group of primary mourners and it would be wrong to exclude anyone from this small initial service, please talk to the person officiating the service about holding it more than once. I personally know families who have done this in recent weeks. When asked, their officiants were gracious enough to recognize the need to accommodate more than ten mourners and simply held two services back-to-back, with a short break in between.

Consider having a small ceremony wherever you are.

If you cannot be close to the person who died, it is still helpful and healing to hold a small ceremony right now wherever you are. Simply gather a few close friends or family members, display photos of the person who died, light a candle, say a prayer or read a text aloud that is meaningful to you, play music if you’d like, and share thoughts and memories. You will find that this informal “funeral” will help you mark the occasion of the death, pay tribute to person who died, and feel that sense of acknowledgment, remembrance, and support.

Leverage technology to foster closeness and participation.

At a time of great loss, we want our loved ones close. If the pandemic is making this impossible, the next best thing is to use technology to reach out to the people you care about to share news of the death, support one another, and discuss funeral planning. Video calls are probably the best substitute for face-to-face conversations. Voice calls come second. After that, emails, texting, and social media work too. And don’t forget the power of the handwritten letter! The point is to stay connected as much as possible AND to be open and honest in those communications about whatever it is you are feeling or struggling with at the moment. Your candor will encourage others to be honest as well, creating the opportunity for mutual support and kindness.

Technology can and should also be used to help overcome any limitations of the funeral service itself, of course. Services can be webcast or recorded and made available online later. Obituaries, guest books, and video tributes can be (and often are) placed online. Mourners can video themselves talking about the person who died, recording their condolences, or even recording themselves reciting a poem, playing a hymn on a musical instrument, or singing a meaningful song. Social media is also very effective at helping keep everyone up-to-date about details and providing chances for far-flung friends and family to support one another. And turning to technology is also a good way to involve others in the funeral-planning process. People always want to help—and that is especially true right now, when many are stuck at home, feeling bored and helpless. Tech-savvy friends and family members can all pitch in to help create those videos, edit and upload those photos, write those social media posts, etc. The more people who participate, the better.

Plan a larger service and/or reception when pandemic restrictions have lifted.

The social distancing restrictions have made us all more aware of our human need to be with and touch the people we care about. When death affects our social circle, we naturally feel the need to congregate and support one another in person. Even if you must delay a larger public gathering, those who want to support you will still be happy to attend months from now. Don’t assume that there’s a time limit on holding this larger public gathering. Everyone understands that the pandemic is affecting public events. Again, I encourage you to hold a small initial service right away and then schedule the additional service down the line.

As you make final plans for your loved one during this historic pandemic, you will probably come up with other innovative ideas to pay tribute, foster community, and share hope. If you do, I hope you will tell me about them by emailing me at [email protected]. You and all families touched by death during the coronavirus outbreak are in my thoughts and prayers. Godspeed.

About the Author

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Among his many bestselling books are Understanding Your Grief, Grief Day by Day, and Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies: A Guide for Families. To order Dr. Wolfelt’s books and for more information, visit www.centerforloss.com.

Skip to content