Grief/Loss

When we lose someone we love, we experience a wide range of complex and sometimes confusing feelings. These may include sadness, fear, anger, guilt, relief, and shock or disbelief. All of these emotions are normal reactions to loss, and they can vary greatly depending on the person and the type of loss. Having witnessed this spectrum of emotions through his years of walking with families through grief, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor, author, and educator, has come to identify six needs of mourning. It is only after these six needs are met that we can move toward healing and reconciliation following a loss.

But what are the six needs of mourning, you ask?

The 6 Needs of Mourning

Everything begins with a meaningful, healing, and personalized funeral or memorial service. The more personal, the more healing. Dr. Wolfelt has found that those who take part in a meaningful service have a firm foundation for their grief journey and “through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”

People often mistakenly think of the funeral or memorial service as an act of closure. This isn’t the case. In fact, the service is only the beginning of your grief journey. The challenge ahead of you is to walk through each of the six needs of mourning along the way toward healing.

Let’s look at each need individually and discuss what each one may look like in your life.

Need #1 – Acknowledge the reality of the death

When we lose someone we love, our minds naturally rebel against the knowledge. We don’t want to believe what has happened. We reject reality. But in order to heal, we must confront the truth. So, in some way, you must come to acknowledge the reality of the death. This may mean spending time with the body before burial or cremation, attending the funeral or memorial service, visiting the graveside, or something as simple as intentionally using the past tense when speaking about the person. In time, your mind will accept the reality of what has happened, and you can begin to process through the emotions of loss.

Need #2 – Move toward the pain of the loss

Dr. Wolfelt says, “I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief.  Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.” While the funeral or memorial service gives you a start on confronting your loss, it’s up to you to continue the journey. And that’s what it is – a journey. It will take time. It will take intentionality.

Instead of turning away from what you feel, allow yourself to grieve and heal. This may mean talking to trusted friends about your loved one, writing in a grief journal, going for long walks and talking aloud to your loved one, crying in the dark of night, or venting your anger or frustration by going on strenuous runs or using a punching bag. We all deal with our emotions differently, but as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others, do what you must to face the pain and let the emotions out. Emotions that are stifled or allowed to fester will only lead to pain down the road, so deal with them now.

Need #3 – Remember the person who has died

In order to heal, we must shift our relationship with the one who has died from one of physical presence to one of memory. To do this, it’s important to actively find ways to remember the person who has died and to honor their legacy. In many ways, you do that by telling the story of your life with your loved one. According to Dr. Wolfelt, “the more we ‘tell the story’ the more likely we are to reconcile to the grief.”

So, be intentional about creating opportunities to share and to remember your loved one’s life. Bring friends and loved ones together for a shared remembrance meal. Don’t be afraid to share the stories of your life – growing up, in school, at work, at play, etc. Also, you might choose to create a memorial item, like a scrapbook, photo book, art piece, composition, or whatever else makes sense for you. As you create and design the memorial item, you engage with your memories and find comfort in them.

Need #4 – Develop a new self-identity

To some degree, our relationships give us an identity. Father, mother, sister, brother, friend, grandchild. You may have heard someone say, “I feel like a part of me died along with him.” This is because we gain some sense of identity from those around us. After losing someone we love, we have to step into a new identity, whether we want to or not.

Perhaps we move from a wife to a widow or from a grandchild with living grandparents to a grandchild without living grandparents. No matter the change, coming to grips with our new role – both in our family and in our other relationships – is an important part of the grieving process. In order to move forward with our lives, we must accept our new role and find a way to live it well.

Need #5 – Search for meaning

As part of the grief process, we naturally question the meaning of life and death. Why did this happen? Why now? What happens after death? The answers you find to these “why” questions will decide your reasons for living and contribute to your search for meaning. The death of a loved one confronts us with an inescapable fact: we will die. And because one day we, too, will face death, we must wrestle with how our lives look today. Ask yourself if there’s something you have always wanted to do or be known for. Have you done it? Why not? Is now the time to get started? Write down your thoughts, talk to friends or family, seek out ways to ask the hard questions, and if you do the work of grief, you will find the answers you need.

Need #6 – Receive ongoing support from others

Lastly, we need each other. We aren’t meant to go through life alone. The funeral or memorial service provides an excellent time to give and receive support, but you will still need support far beyond the ceremony. You may be tempted to work through these needs on your own – don’t. There are moments when time alone is needed, but also look for ways to invite others into your life. Find a group to support you – through church, school, or local support groups. The people around you can offer an incredible reserve of strength, kindness, and encouragement.

These are the six needs of mourning. You won’t necessarily experience them in any particular order. In fact, you may experience several at once. For example, you may sit down with a friend and receive support while also talking about your plans to make changes to your life. In this way, you are meeting needs #5 and #6. You will meet many of these needs quite naturally but still be intentional about facing your loss.

And remember – grief is a journey. There’s no hurry. No set time frame. Sometimes you can move forward after three months, sometimes three years, sometimes longer. The time it takes doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are working at it. You are looking for ways to reconcile yourself to what has happened and finding a way to move forward. Those who don’t find a way to move forward often become stuck in their grief, unable to move. Don’t allow yourself to become stuck – do the work of grief and find a way to continued meaning and new hope for the future. You can do this!

If you are caring for a loved one with dementia, the grief journey for both of you will be a little more complicated. It may be that you’ve lost a mother, but your father, who suffers from dementia, has lost a wife. How do you navigate him through his loss – a loss that he may not always remember – while also walking down the road of grief yourself?

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor, author, and educator, has helped many families navigate the difficult journey through grief over the years. Because of his extensive background in helping families, he has identified key ways you can help someone with dementia mourn a loss. These helpful tips will empower you to help your loved one with dementia while also allowing you to grieve your own loss.

Dr. Wolfelt states: “For people with dementia, the grieving process grows more complicated. Their brains, the traffic control centers for thoughts and emotions, literally become clogged, creating dead ends, jams and crashes. Grief is a physical, cognitive, emotional, social and spiritual journey, yet the brain is where all those aspects of the self originate and traverse. Grief is always difficult, but when someone’s brain is no longer working well, it is even more challenging, both for the person with memory loss and for his or her family and caregivers.”

5 Tips for Helping a Person with Dementia Grieve

1. Interact with Empathy

Every person’s journey with dementia is different. As you help someone with dementia grieve, remember that their cognitive and physical condition, their personality, as well as the circumstances surrounding the loss will all factor into the process. That’s why it’s important to operate in empathy.

It is easy to become frustrated or stressed when caring for a person with dementia, but what they really need is your compassion, your kindness, and your willingness to try to understand reality from their perspective. Don’t worry about trying to say the “right” words – your empathetic presence and your support are more important than any specific words you may say.

2. Realize that They May Mourn Differently

Through his experience helping thousands of people through the grief process, Dr. Wolfelt has identified six needs of mourning: 1) acknowledge the reality of the loss, 2) feel the pain of the loss, 3) remember the person who has died, 4) develop a new self-identity, 5) search for meaning, and 6) receive ongoing support from others.

Now, in many cases, a person with dementia is no longer capable of addressing these six needs on their own. That’s where you – their caregiver and loved one – come in. For example, they may not always remember that someone has died, but in certain moments, they may recall it perfectly. When those moments of clarity come, allow the person with dementia to talk about the loss and share their memories, even if they are sharing those memories for the hundredth time.

Any expression of their inner thoughts and feelings is good and helpful, though it may be difficult for you to see. They may exhibit delayed reactions or sudden emotional outbursts. If this happens, try to remain calm. These reactions may be the only way they can express what’s happening on the inside, so witness their emotions and accept them. Above all, actively listen and affirm your loved one with dementia. This is how you can show your support.

3. Include Them in the Funeral Ritual

Whether you have a funeral or memorial service, a graveside service or a scattering of ashes, don’t be afraid to include the person with dementia in these symbolic events. If it’s appropriate, you can even include them in the funeral planning process. Tell them what choices are being made. Encourage them to share any memories they may recall and consider incorporating them into the service. Additionally, while the person with dementia may not remember attending the visitation, service, or gathering, the familiar rituals can offer comfort and support. Consider asking a family friend to sit beside the person with dementia during the funeral events so that immediate family members can focus on their own grief.

On the other hand, if the person with dementia is unable to attend any of the funeral events, there are other options available to help them understand the reality of the death and work through their grief. For example, you can arrange a private viewing. Or, schedule a short service at a place where the person with dementia can attend (their own home or an assisted living facility). You could also take the person with dementia to the cemetery, columbarium, or other final resting place. The more you include them, the more likely they are to retain the knowledge that a loved one has died and can grieve for that loss.

4. Pay Attention to Their Feelings

Because long-term memory is the last to be affected by dementia, your loved one may act as if the person who has died is still alive. When this happens, it’s okay. Consider it part of their memory at work and actively join them in reminiscing. In some moments, they will be completely lucid. In these moments, try to discern any emotions they may be feeling inside and compassionately name them. For instance, “It looks like you may be feeling….” This is a form of empathy and will help them feel understood and cared for.

5. Incorporate Practical Tools

There are intentional acts you can do to help a loved one with dementia through the grieving process. For instance, introduce items that belonged to the person who has died. Allow the person with dementia to handle the items. If their response is comforting, leave the object. However, if they react negatively, remove it and try another one.

Other practical tools are:

• creating a display of photos they can look at and interact with
• using the past tense when referring to the person who has died
• recounting stories that may trigger memories
• listening to music associated with special memories of the person who has died

By including these practices, you help your loved one with dementia do the work of grief.

Helping Them Helps You

Helping a loved one with dementia grieve will not be easy, but it is beneficial. Dr. Wolfelt believes: “Patience, honesty, and, most of all, empathy and love are the keys to helping a person with dementia after someone loved dies. Always remember that though dementia may destroy a brain, it cannot destroy a soul. The soul is where love and grief live, and any efforts you undertake to help the person express what is in their heart and soul will honor what has been most meaningful in their life.”

And while helping a person with dementia grieve may seem like a daunting task – something that takes away from your own ability to grieve – remember that as you help them grieve, you will also do the work of grief. Talking to a person with dementia about the reality of the loss will help you accept it yourself. Sharing memories about the person who has died will help you remember them, too. Witnessing the painful emotions your loved one with dementia may exhibit will help you to face your own pain at the loss. And so on.

Grief is the natural consequence of love. It is exhausting, physically and emotionally. But thankfully, there is no time frame and no deadline for “getting over” a loss. In fact, it’s not about “getting over” a loss – it’s about finding a way to move forward. And that takes time. So, as you help a loved one with dementia process a loss (and as you process your own feelings of loss), don’t feel pressured by an imaginary timeline. Instead, breathe deeply and take the time you need. There’s no rush.

*Source: Supporting Mourners with Dementia, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, August 2019

Today, grieving can be difficult. Those who grieve often feel like they must “be strong” for others, whether it be family members, co-workers, or even strangers. We live in a world that encourages us to hide our pain and appear like we’ve “got it all together.” Many of us even shy away from our own pain, fearing that if we let our feelings have free rein, we will be seen as “out of control.” Our minds rebel against the idea of anyone seeing our pain, how deeply affected we are, how not okay we feel inside. But expressing our grief is the first step on the road to healing.

Grief is the natural result of love. When we love deeply and wholly, we open ourselves up to the grief that will come when the person we love dies. And while death is a part of life, the certainty of death doesn’t make it any easier. Did you know that the word “bereaved” literally means “to be torn apart”? So, by that definition, when we are grieving, we are being torn apart inside. It’s no wonder that we can become so tired, withdrawn, and quiet during times of loss.

The simple truth is that it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to NOT “be strong” in the face of loss. It’s okay to give yourself permission to grieve, to give outward expression to the internal anguish of your soul. We need to be free to express our emotions, not hide from them or feel ashamed of them. They are what they are, and they are a natural response to what we’ve lost.

It will take time and intentionality to come to grips with everything you think and feel. The following grieving tips are meant to assist you and give you useful tools for navigating through the ups and downs of the coming months.

10 Helpful Tips When Grieving a Loss

1. Anticipate feeling a range of emotions.

People experience a wide spectrum of feelings at the loss of a loved one: shock, numbness, denial, confusion, yearning, anxiety, fear, guilt, sadness, relief, and more. You will certainly feel some – if not all – of these. It’s normal and natural to do so.

2. Don’t be afraid of your feelings.

You feel what you feel. It is what it is, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the emotions that may be coursing through you. We all feel loss differently, and there is no comparison because every person and individual relationship is unique. Try not to stifle, ignore, or stuff down your feelings. Instead, accept that you feel what you feel and it’s okay.

3. Give yourself time.

Grief is a journey, not an event. You will need time to come to grips with what life looks like without your loved one. You aren’t necessarily going to spring back into life the way it was. It’s okay to give yourself a little space and take more breaks. Grief is hard work, and you need time to work through it.

4. Find ways to express your grief.

What you do is going to depend on your personality. For some, it’s helpful to go into the backyard and chop wood or go to the batting cages and just whack the balls over and over again. For others, creative expression is helpful. Many times, journaling, creative writing, painting, drawing, arts & crafts, or other types of self-expression help us make sense of the seemingly senseless feelings going on inside. And if you are a person of faith, prayer, meditation, or worship, these activities can help you express your grief.

5. Take care of yourself.

Most people feel more tired and less energetic when they are grieving. For this reason, it’s important to get plenty of sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, stay hydrated, limit your caffeine intake, and sleep with your bedroom dark and relaxing. Additionally, eat healthy foods and participate in some kind of physical activity on a regular basis.

One thing to watch out for is numbing activities. It may start out as a coping mechanism but beware of allowing numbing activities to distract you from dealing with your grief. Common numbing activities are food, alcohol or drugs, anger, excessive exercise, TV or movies, books, isolating yourself, shopping, or losing yourself in work. While these may help you cope, they won’t help you heal and move forward after a loss.

6. Allow others to walk alongside you.

You don’t have to walk this road alone. In fact, it will be much less stressful if you do accept help from others. There’s an incredible scene in The Return of the King, the third installment of The Lord of the Rings. Throughout all three movies, Samwise Gamgee has faithfully walked alongside his dearest friend, Frodo Baggins. Together, as they seek to destroy a powerful ring and save all of Middle Earth, they face danger and hardships, feel lost and hopeless, and at one point, Sam even fears that Frodo has died. And then, the moment comes. Frodo is so near the end of this incredibly taxing quest – this journey that has sapped him physically, mentally, and emotionally – and he says, “I can’t do this, Sam.” After some fortifying words, Sam says, “I can’t carry it [the ring] for you, but I can carry you!” This is why we need friends along the hard journeys in life. They can’t carry our burdens for us, but they can help carry us along; they can provide the support we need to move forward and find new life and new meaning.

7. Take time to talk about your grief.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk with a safe person about the emotions swirling around inside you. If you aren’t much of a talker or aren’t ready to be vulnerable with someone, write your thoughts down. However, if talking to friends and family simply isn’t working, then consider the benefits of a grief counselor. Sometimes the grief we feel is so incredibly deep that we need help getting back onto solid ground. If that’s you, it’s okay. You aren’t alone, and there is help.

8. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

During times of grief, we often turn our focus inward. While this tendency is natural, it may also lead to feelings of isolation and intense, singular focus on the loss we have suffered. Cultivating a lifestyle of gratitude can help you better process a loss by moving your eyes beyond your pain, allowing you to see the good things in life that still remain. Gratitude increases positive emotions and overall well-being, improves sleep, and fosters resilience.

9. Keep your loved one’s memory alive with traditions.

While death deprives us of a loved one’s physical presence, that doesn’t mean we’ve lost everything we love about that person. Our relationship becomes one based on memory rather than physical presence. So, use traditions to keep a loved one’s memory alive. Our personal traditions encourage us to remember. They comfort us and give us a sense of familiarity and peace. For example, if you and your loved one watched a certain movie every Christmas or birthday, keep the tradition alive as a way to feel close to them.

10. Treasure your memories.

Write them down. Tell the stories to others. Share the essence of the one you loved with those around you and keep their legacy alive. Your memories are your own to cherish forever and will be a continual reserve of peace and comfort. The grief journey is a meandering way, filled with many steps. And part of the journey is traveling back into your memories in order to move forward toward reconciliation. Your loved one may be gone, but their memory need never die.

Grief is hard, no matter the circumstances. Losing someone we love to illness, accident, or even natural causes is one of the most emotionally taxing experiences in life. But what if you live far away from home or are feeling alone with no close friends? What does grieving look like then? To help you through this season of grief when you’re feeling isolated, here are a few suggestions for honoring your loved one’s life and doing the work of grief.

1. Find a Way to Honor Your Loved One’s Life

While you may not be able to attend the funeral and memorial services in person, consider attending online via livestream. Most funeral homes now offer this service, and it’s become a standard offering. You could create a memorial photo or scrapbook with all your favorites. Write down the stories you love about your loved one so that you can share with the family online or on a phone call. Upload photos of your loved one to your preferred social media platform and write a tribute. Consider writing a grief journal so you can express what’s on your heart and mind during this time of grief.

2. Schedule Video Calls with Friends and Family

A hug may be just what you want right now, but sometimes, we have to do the next best thing. Instead of sitting at a coffee shop, have a coffee date via video call in your own living room. While face-to-face is preferable, you don’t need to be in the same room to give and receive love and support. Instead of attending the visitation, talk on the phone or schedule video calls. Use technology to your benefit. When you lose someone you love, talking about that person, your memories, your fears, and your sadness is all part of the grieving process. Instead of turning inward, turn outward and talk with people who care about you through digital avenues.

3. Practice Self-Care

During times of grief, it’s even more important to be kind to yourself. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected author and grief counselor, has a lot to say about self-care. He states: “The word ‘bereaved’… means ‘to be torn apart’ and ‘to have special needs.’ So, despite its obsolescence, the word is still accurate and useful. Perhaps your most important ‘special need’ right now is to be compassionate with yourself. In fact, the word ‘compassion’ means ‘with passion.’ Caring for and about yourself with passion is self-compassion.”

So, at this time of grief, treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Give yourself time to grieve – there’s no rush. Express what you’re feeling – through journaling, creative writing, painting, wood-working, listening to or composing music, praying, or simply talking with another person. Take care of your health and ensure that you are eating well and exercising. Get enough sleep. Grief can sap your energy, so by taking care of yourself, you can find the motivation to continue to move forward.

4. Express Yourself

Grief makes us feel things that may be outside our normal. It could be a deep sadness, anger, guilt, regret, or even relief. No matter what you’re feeling, these are all normal reactions to losing a loved one. More important than what you feel is how you process and deal with your feelings. For many of us, the solution is to stuff down our emotions and keep soldiering on, especially when faced with difficult circumstances. But trying to ignore what you feel won’t make it go away. In fact, stuffing your grief away can have serious consequences on your mental and physical health. Rather than avoid what you’re feeling, give yourself permission to grieve and find ways to express yourself in a way that makes sense for your needs and personality.

5. Plan a Celebration of Your Loved One’s Life

If you aren’t able to attend the final tribute – for whatever reason – consider planning something to mark your loved one’s life. That might mean working with the surviving family members to host a get-together later when you’re able to attend. It may mean planning a dinner party with your closest friends nearby. Depending on your circumstances, it may even mean having an online get-together. No matter what it looks like, no matter your circumstances, make an effort to acknowledge the reality of your loved one’s death and celebrate their life and its significance.

And Remember, Grief is a Journey

In many ways, grief is a journey – one we’d rather not take. It’s a journey that requires much from us, but one that is worth taking. If you do the work of grief, you will eventually reach reconciliation. You won’t “get over” the loss – that’s not possible – but you will find a way to move forward. Dr. Wolfelt puts it this way: “Never forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. It’s not that you won’t be happy again. It’s simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the death.” So, slow down, breathe deeply, and take the time you need to grieve.

May these suggestions help you grieve when you’re feeling isolated and find the healing you need to move confidently and wholly into the rest of your life.