Helping a Friend in Grief

Not sure what to say to comfort a grieving friend? You know you should say something, but the words aren’t coming to you. Perhaps you worry about saying the wrong thing and adding to their pain. Consider sending a handwritten condolence letter! With a few pointers, you can reach out and offer heartfelt, sincere, and meaningful words of sympathy. Let’s talk about it.

8 Simple Tips for Writing a Meaningful Condolence Letter

1. Say something

It’s human nature to avoid situations that feel difficult or uncomfortable. But just because something is uncomfortable does not mean it shouldn’t be done. Choosing not to say anything at all after a friend’s loss doesn’t help them and may unintentionally communicate that you don’t care. Instead, consider showing your love and support by picking up a pen to write them a condolence card.

2. Social media isn’t always enough

So many of us express condolences on social media (“I’m so sorry for your loss.” “I’m praying for you.”), but then we stop there. But think how much more meaningful it would be if you took time out of your day to specifically and intentionally write a condolence letter.

Condolences expressed on social media are all well and good, and they can be helpful. It’s an excellent way to express sympathy to someone you don’t know well. But for those you personally know and have a connection to, just think how much more care you will convey by taking the extra time to write a letter.

3. Handwrite it

By handwriting the letter, you add an extra level of personalization. You took the time to sit down and not only gather your thoughts, but also to write them out. How many people actually do that these days? Far fewer than in previous years. It can mean so much more to receive a handwritten note in the mail than a message on social media.

4. Keep it short(ish)

You don’t have to write a novel for your sympathy letter. In fact, it’s better if you keep it somewhat short and succinct, balanced with intentionality and compassion.

5. Make it personal

As much as possible, tailor your words to create a letter that is personal and specific. You could add words of encouragement, a quote, or a poem. If you knew the person who has died, share a positive story that you remember about them or a way they impacted you.

On the other hand, if you didn’t know the person who has died, mention that you know how much they meant to your grieving friend. Or you can recall things your friend told you about that special person (“I remember you told me…”). No matter how you say it, express your sorrow for their loss.

6. No comparisons

If you’ve lost a loved one, you know that it is hard, painful, and exhausting. But even though you can relate to someone’s grief, avoid comparing your grief to theirs. You may have both lost a mom, but you are two different people with unique relationships to your moms, which means your two grief journeys are going to look very different.

Instead, offer words of comfort without comparisons. Share a valuable lesson you’ve learned in your own grief journey while still acknowledging, “I know your loss is different from mine.”

7. Be real

Don’t be afraid to use words like “death,” “died,” or “die.” According to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a respected grief expert and counselor, acknowledging the reality of the death of a loved one is necessary to move forward in your grief journey. By being unafraid to use these terms, you participate in helping to acknowledge the reality of the loss.

8. Add a thoughtful action

These days, no matter where you live, you can do something thoughtful for a grieving friend.  If you live nearby, take a casserole over to the family. If you live further away, order flowers online. With the internet, there’s so much you can do even if you’re separated by distance. But remember, don’t offer anything you can’t deliver. Check out “Sympathy Gifts You Can Mail” and “10 Caring and Creative Sympathy Gifts” for a few ideas!

Things to Avoid When Writing a Condolence Letter

Now that you know what to do, let’s touch on some things you should NOT do. In many cases, what you don’t say is just as important as what you do say. Here are a few pitfalls to avoid:

• Sometimes the grieving person needs to tell their story, but you should always let them decide how much they want to share, especially regarding the circumstances of their loved one’s death. It’s not helpful to make the grieving person feel like you are looking for juicy gossip.
• Refrain from saying anything negative about the person who has died. You may not have personally liked them, but for the purposes of a condolence letter, keep your opinions to yourself.
• Avoid saying insensitive things like “You’re better off without them” or “Cheer up!” Every person needs to be allowed to grieve in their own way, not feel like they’re doing it wrong.
• Don’t mention the will or the estate. If you are in line to inherit something, you will be contacted at the proper time. The condolence letter is not the right time.
• Try to avoid clichés. For example, “It was just their time to go” or “They’re in a better place” are cliché phrases that don’t help. Instead, put your heart into the letter and be real and sincere.

With these tips up your sleeve, you will have an easier time writing a meaningful condolence letter. It will still take time, so make sure that you aren’t in a hurry when you sit down to write. Put together a draft first, let it sit for a while, and come back to see if there’s anything that needs adjusting. Once you feel good about the content, write it out in your best handwriting and place it in the mail. Your words may become the bright spot in your grieving friend’s day!

Though holidays like Mother’s Day are joyful for many, they can be especially difficult for those grieving the loss of a mother. If you have a friend who has lost their mom, their grief may become more evident as Mother’s Day approaches. You may wonder if there’s anything you can do to help. Thankfully, there are meaningful, helpful ways you can offer comfort during this time. If you’d like to show someone you care this Mother’s Day, here are some thoughtful actions to support your grieving friend.

1. Provide a safe space to talk

Sometimes, the simple act of sitting and listening goes a long way. Set aside time on Mother’s Day to have a conversation with your friend. Make some tea at home, meet at a coffee shop, or go for a walk and ley them talk about their mom. Silence your phone and limit distractions so you can be fully present, actively listen, and create a safe space for your friend to share their feelings.

If you’re unable to be with your friend in person, consider calling to check on them. Also, remember that your friend may not want to talk specifically about their mom, as it may be painful. Encourage them to talk about whatever feels right to them so they can focus on healing. Your presence and willingness to listen can be both comforting and healing for your friend.

2. Send a note of encouragement

Another way to support a friend who has lost their mother is to send a note of encouragement on Mother’s Day. This small gesture shows your friend that you recognize Mother’s Day may be a difficult time for them and lets them know they are not alone. Mail a card, send an email, or text them just to let your friend know that you’re there to support them.

For example, you could say, “I know Mother’s Day can be an overwhelming time for you. Please know I’m thinking of you.” Or, if you knew their mother personally, consider sharing a memory or story that celebrates what made her special. You could write something like, “I loved the sound of your mom’s laugh. It was always such a joyful sound.”

Adding personal touches can remind your friend how cherished their mother was and offer comfort during a challenging day.

3. Give a meaningful gift to honor their mom

Giving your friend a gift in remembrance of their mom is another meaningful gesture. Since flowers are often associated with Mother’s Day, consider taking them a bouquet or a houseplant to brighten their home.

If your friend would appreciate something long-lasting, consider a small trinket, such as a jewelry tray or a decorative item that serves as a daily reminder of how much their mom was loved and continues to be remembered. You might also consider something more customizable, such as a necklace or keepsake box with their mother’s name on it.

If you are unable to physically visit your grieving friend, you can mail a small sympathy gift to let them know they’re on your mind. A tangible token, no matter how small, can bring comfort and help honor their mother’s memory in a lasting way.

4. Share a comforting meal together

If you and your friend like food (who doesn’t?), then a great way to comfort your friend is to enjoy a meal together. You might invite them to brunch on Mother’s Day, bake their mom’s signature cookies together, or even pick up takeout and eat it at a local park. This is a thoughtful way to ensure they aren’t alone and have company around Mother’s Day.

By spending time with your friend, you provide them with companionship during their time of loss. Sharing meals often encourages meaningful conversations, giving you a chance to ask questions and get a sense of how they are feeling. Encourage your friend to share favorite memories of their mom, and let them know they can talk about her any time they want to.

5. Visit a place that celebrates their mom’s memory

Accompanying your friend to a place that reminds them of their mom is a thoughtful way to show you care. Maybe their mom had a favorite park, walking trail, or bookstore you could visit together. Sharing this moment with your friend may encourage them to visit again on their own when they feel ready. While you’re there, allow them to process being in a space their mom loved so much.

Another option, if your friend is open to it, is visiting their mother’s final resting place together. Keep in mind that this option can be an emotional experience and is often most appropriate if you share a very close relationship with your friend. Once you arrive, give your friend space and let them set the pace of the visit. Your steady presence can help make the experience less overwhelming and offer your friend much-needed support in a difficult moment.

6. Support a cause together

Volunteering or supporting a meaningful cause with your friend can be a powerful way to bring comfort on Mother’s Day. If your friend’s mother battled an illness, you could sign up for an awareness walk or participate in a blood drive in her honor. This meaningful gesture shows your friend that you care about their family.

Alternatively, you could make a charitable donation to a cause in your friend’s mother’s name to show your support. Sharing one of these meaningful experiences with your friend is a wonderful way to celebrate their mom’s memory.

Hopefully, these ideas encourage you to reach out to a grieving friend on Mother’s Day. Remember, anything you choose to do is a sign of kindness and compassion. Whether you provide your friend comfort with food, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, know that your support will be deeply appreciated.

Words are powerful. They can hurt or heal, comfort or discourage, build up or tear down. When someone we know is grieving, we want to support them and find words to comfort them. But sometimes, we say well-meaning things that hurt more than they help.

We have a responsibility to guard our words, especially when someone is emotionally vulnerable, like after the death of a loved one. While there are plenty of things you can say that do offer comfort, try to avoid these six phrases when speaking to a friend or loved one who has lost someone close to them (regardless of whether the loss was recent or further in the past).

“I know how you feel.”

While you may have experienced grief before or even a similar loss, everyone’s grief experience is different. The temptation here is to engage in “troubles talk” to find common ground with the person and, in a way, share the burden of the loss and help them feel less alone. But this comment assumes that you know the complex emotions of the bereaved and that you have felt each one exactly as they do, which can’t be true.

Rather than hearing your desire to show how much you understand, the bereaved person hears: “I don’t want to understand your specific situation” or “I want to talk about myself.” Every person feels, processes, and heals differently, and it would be folly to assume you know how someone is feeling.

Instead, create space for your friend to share what they feel. Simply and sincerely ask, “How are you doing?” If you have experienced a similar loss, you might say, “I know every loss is different in its own way, but something that helped me when I lost my mom was (insert helpful suggestion here).”

“You’re so strong.”

After losing a loved one, many people who are grieving feel pressured to appear like they’re doing okay. Life goes on, even after losing a loved one, and those who are grieving feel the need to put on a brave face. While you may intend “You’re so strong” as a compliment, you may contribute to this pressure. You might make the grieving person feel like they can’t be vulnerable because you expect them to keep being strong. They may interpret your statement as a prohibition on showing emotion – or as judgment for not showing emotion.

No matter how “put together” a person looks on the outside, on the inside, they may be experiencing incredible pain. A comment about their strength can take away their option to express any genuine emotions to you or make them feel guilty for not showing emotions.

Instead, consider asking how they’re honestly doing or saying, “It’s okay to cry.” While it may invite a more honest response, and you should be ready with your emotional support, you can be someone they feel safe letting down their guard with.

“Sometimes we just don’t understand the will of God,” or “God must have needed another angel in heaven.”

These phrases and many similar ones are often used in Christian religious circles with the intent to reassure someone that death isn’t meaningless. But whether by intention or not, these words essentially blame God for the death of a loved one.

While it is true that we may not fully understand the will of God, these platitudes are not helpful because they contradict the Christian belief in a loving God whose original creation did not include death. In the story of Adam and Eve, death only entered the world after the fall of man and was not in God’s original design.

Instead of using these phrases, you can offer to pray with the grieving person. Or consider sharing your sympathies by saying, “I’ve been thinking about you so much,” or “You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers.”

“She’s/he’s in a better place.”

When someone is grieving the loss of a loved one, they don’t always want them to be in a “better place.” They want them to be here, now, with them. In time, it may be a comfort to think of a loved one in heaven. Or if a loved one was sick for a long time, this phrase could be comforting, a reminder that the person is no longer in pain.

But amid deep sorrow or after an unexpected death, it’s difficult to find comfort or healing in this phrase. These words could come across as dismissive of someone’s grief or make them feel guilty for wishing their loved one was still with them. Instead, simply be there for your grieving friend, and consider asking them questions about the loved one they’ve lost so they can hold their cherished memories close.

“If there’s anything I can do for you, just call me.”

While your offer to help may be entirely sincere, note that the grieving person will likely not call you. Asking for help can be difficult for anyone, and it’s even more challenging for those who are grieving. They may not want to be an inconvenience, or they may feel like they would have to fake being okay if you came to help. Or they might assume that you’re just saying that you’ll help because you feel obligated to.

Instead, take the initiative and offer specific ways you can help. Say, “I want to take you to lunch next week. What time should I pick you up?” or “I’ll watch the kids for you tonight so you can take time for self-care.” Organize a meal train or ask them what day you can drop off dinners for the week. Or call them every week or so just to check in. When you are intentional, they will feel your love and support and know you genuinely want to help them.

“It’s been a while since she/he died. Isn’t it time to move on?”

Grief has no expiration date. While grief may change over time, it doesn’t go away completely. This insensitive statement can invalidate someone’s feelings of grief and make them feel like you don’t care about their emotions and struggles. Instead, allow your loved one the time they need to grieve and put no expectations on them.

If your grieving friend or family member seems to be struggling a lot even after much time has passed, you can lovingly suggest a grief counselor or grief support group, but don’t push them. Don’t try to fix their pain. Loving them through their grief will help them along the path to healing much more smoothly than your impatience.

As you speak with a grieving person, think before you say anything. You can’t always control how your friend interprets what you say. But by thinking carefully and being sensitive to your loved one’s pain, you can show them that you care about them and want to help.

To learn six more things you should never say to a grieving person, click here. Also, if you’d like tips on what you SHOULD say, take a moment to read “What Should I Say to Someone Who is Grieving?“

Oftentimes, we may only think about grief’s impact on our own personal lives, our family members, or our closest friends. But grief can enter other places we inhabit – like the workplace. If you’re a manager or are paying attention to your co-workers’ moods and habits, at some point you will likely see a colleague struggling with grief. If this happens, you may feel unsure about how you can help. Here are a few suggestions for how to appropriately express support to a grieving colleague in the workplace.

Tip #1: Be Patient

If you are a manager, being patient with your grieving employee is particularly important. On average, Americans receive 3-4 days of bereavement leave in the aftermath of a loss. After this short period of time, employees are expected to return to work and fully engage in their assigned tasks. However, the stress of losing a loved one and returning to work so quickly may feel overwhelming. In a study on grief’s effects on job performance, 75% of participants claimed they experienced concentration difficulties that extended beyond the period of paid leave.

If you notice that a direct report isn’t adjusting well after a loss, you may want to consider providing more paid leave. If this isn’t an option, make sure he or she feels safe and comfortable in the work environment. Be patient with the employee, communicate your sympathy, and consider temporarily reassigning any tasks or projects that require a high level of creativity or energy.

If you are a co-worker, also try to extend patience and kindness to the grieving person. If they forget a few things or seem to be unfocused, bring them back to the task at hand with kindness.

Tip #2: Say Something

One of the most discouraging things about grief is that people tend to shy away from the person who is sad. This reaction is problematic because hurting people need support from those around them.

If you don’t know what to say to a colleague, be honest about your uncertainty, and consider communicating something like this: “I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry for your loss. If you need anything or if I can help with (fill in the blank), let me know.”

Try to be specific in your offer to help, especially if you can take point on a project or relieve some of the stress they feel. Of course, you can always help in other ways, like providing a meal, donating to a special cause on their behalf, or leaving a card or a small, simple sympathy gift on their desk. Any small gesture could make a world of difference and make your colleague feel understood and supported at work.

Tip #3: Focus on the Mourner’s Grief

When someone is grieving, try to keep the focus on their loss, not your own losses. In an effort to connect, you may be tempted to talk about your own losses. Most of the time, this tendency isn’t helpful.  While you may have lost someone dear to you, the focus right now should be on your colleague’s loss. Attempts at grief identification (trying to equate your loss with theirs) may communicate to others that you are assuming that you know how they feel, which can be seen as presumptuous and offensive.

For many people, the challenge is to avoid giving too much advice or easy answers. There’s nothing wrong with offering support or a word of encouragement but avoid telling the person what to do or how to feel. Platitudes or cliches tend to minimize the other person’s pain and send the wrong message.

If you are tempted to “make it better” by telling them that their loved one is in a better place or they are at least no longer in pain, don’t do it. Let your colleague tell you how they feel. For your part, listen and express your sympathy and support. No advice you give is going to fix a person’s situation, but you can offer genuine help and care.

If you aren’t sure what to say, check out “What Should I Say to Someone Who is Grieving?”

Tip #4: Check In Occasionally

For the first few weeks after loss, mourners typically receive an abundance of support and help. As time goes by, the shock and numbness wear off, but that’s when the reality sets in. Their loved one is not coming back. Make sure to check in every few months and genuinely ask, “How are you holding up?”

Don’t assume they are “strong” because they are doing well at work. Allow them to tell you how they are coping and talk about their loved one by name. The sweetest sound to a mourner’s ears is usually the name of their loved one being remembered by others.

Regardless of the specifics of the situation, losing a loved one is hard. But the pain of loss can be compounded by the stressful demands of the workplace. Those who are obligated to return to work soon after a loss are particularly vulnerable to stress and work frustration. As a work colleague, it’s important to take steps to make a grieving co-worker feel comfortable and supported.

When someone you know has lost a loved one, you likely want to be there to support them. Bringing a meal is a great way to do that! After losing a loved one, families have a lot going on, and it can be hard to plan, shop for, and cook meals. By bringing them a meal, you can help make their time of grieving a little bit easier.

If you decide to help your friends out by providing a meal, here are a few tips to keep in mind:

Contact the family ahead of time

Before you drop off a meal for a family, contact them to find out what day and time works best for them. They may have other people bringing meals, or there may be days when they aren’t in town. If no one has created one, you can set up a Meal Train or Take Them a Meal schedule so friends and family can coordinate meals for the grieving family.

On the day you’re scheduled to drop off the meal, make sure to contact the family to set up a time to drop it off. That way, they’ll know you’re still coming and can ensure someone is at the house to accept the food.

If something comes up and you can’t make your scheduled time, contact the family as soon as possible to let them know and arrange an alternative, like ordering pizza to be delivered to their house or switching days with someone else.

Choose a dish based on the family’s preferences

If a meal schedule is already set up, check to see if the family has provided any information about food preferences, allergies, and dietary needs. If not, contact the family to find out what they would prefer.

Depending on the family’s wishes, you can bring food from a restaurant, make something for them, or provide a ready-to-bake dish. Many people bring casseroles and lasagna, so suggest a few options you’re comfortable cooking and ask the family what they’d prefer.

If the family is open to options, lean toward foods that aren’t too spicy or exotic unless that’s their preference. Avoid common allergens, and try to bring dishes that are easy to freeze in case they don’t eat everything at once. For ideas on good recipes to bring to a grieving family, check out Pinch of Yum or this article from Love to Know.

Also, consider bringing sides with your meal, like garlic bread or salad. You can also add snacks for the family, like cut veggies, fruit, or chips. These can add some variety and give them something to enjoy between meals.

Use disposable containers

When putting together your meal, use disposable pans or baking sheets you don’t want back. You could also check your local thrift store for baking dishes to give to the family. When you drop off the food, be sure to let the family know that you don’t need the container back. You may also want to include a note listing what ingredients are in the dish and any cooking or reheating instructions.

Consider the timing

As you choose a meal, remember what time you’re bringing the food! If you’re dropping off the dish around mealtime, bring something hot. If you want to bring something the family will need to heat themselves, ask about dropping it off earlier so they have time to cook it.

Be mindful of children

If the family you’re bringing food to has children, remember them when planning! Kids can be picky, so think about that when bringing a dish and try to pick something that they might enjoy.

Typically, kids also have an early bedtime, so plan to bring food earlier in the evening. If you’re not sure what would be best, don’t be afraid to ask the family any questions you have about food or drop-off times.

Don’t overstay your welcome

While you may be eager to talk to the family or express your condolences, you should never overstay your welcome. The family may not feel like socializing while they’re grieving, and they are likely hungry and ready to eat!

If you don’t know the family well, keep your drop-off short and don’t go inside unless they invite you in. A few words, handing over the food, and a hug show your sympathy without being overbearing.

If the family does invite you in, try to keep your time there short unless you know them better and have agreed to a chat and visit. Read the room, pay attention to when they start to get tired or distracted, and excuse yourself. They’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness, and you won’t add additional stress to their time of grieving.

Help in other ways

Families often receive dinner or lunch from other friends every day, so consider asking if they would prefer something different. Offer to bring them breakfast foods, either in the morning or dropping them off the evening before. Or ask if you can bring groceries or restock their pantry with easy-to-make foods, like mac and cheese, ramen, canned veggies, or soup.

Donations and gift cards are a great alternative to bringing a meal, too, since they’re flexible and can help fill in the gaps when the family doesn’t have anyone bringing food. If you’ve set up a Meal Train, you can add the option for donations so friends and family can contribute together.

Additionally, if you know the family well, consider asking them to your house for dinner instead of bringing a meal to them. This can help someone who’s grieving get a break from their own house and enjoy good company. If you do invite your grieving friend and/or their family, keep it casual and low-pressure, and be ready to offer an alternative if they decline. They may need more time before they feel ready to socialize.

Don’t be offended if your help is rejected

Everyone reacts to grief differently, and the time after losing a loved one can be hectic for a grieving family. They may not have time to respond to your text or call or feel too overwhelmed to talk. That’s okay! It’s nothing against you. Be patient, give them time, and respect their wishes. You can always offer again in a few days or weeks.

As you prepare a meal for your grieving friends, don’t stress too much! Even if you don’t know what to say or how to express your condolences, your effort in bringing a meal and helping the family out makes a huge difference in their life and shows that you care. The grieving family will appreciate your kindness and support.

Other Resources for Supporting the Grieving

• 7 Tips for Helping a Grieving Friend
• Sympathy Cards: What to Write & Examples
• 10 Caring and Creative Sympathy Gifts
• 8 Simple Tips for Writing a Meaningful Condolence Letter