Grief/Loss

Losing someone you love can throw you off-balance and make you feel like you’re losing control of your life. This is completely normal in the early stages of grief. Whether you’re feeling sad, angry, guilty, numb – all of these are natural reactions to loss. However, the intensity of your grief should decrease over time, becoming less sharp, less overwhelming. Unfortunately, for some, grief can trigger or exacerbate unhealthy coping habits, leading to something called “negative coping.” When these habits are unaddressed or go on too long, they can seriously affect your ability to live a healthy life.

What is “Negative Coping”?

First, let’s look at negative coping, so you have a clear understanding of what it is and how to identify it.

Definition

While we all cope with grief and stress in our own ways, there are some habits that are destructive to a person’s health – both physical and emotional. “Negative coping” refers to any behavior that is used to avoid painful emotions or situations. These numbing actions provide momentary relief (“avoidance”), but they do not facilitate healing in any way.

Why is negative coping bad?

The biggest reason negative coping is so harmful is because it prevents you from dealing with your emotions in a healthy way. In a way, you get trapped in a cycle of avoidance. It’s too hard to deal with the emotions, so you numb yourself with other things. These other things aren’t necessarily bad on their own, but they can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. For example, it’s fine to enjoy a glass of wine or other alcoholic beverage now and then, but if you are leaning on alcohol to numb your feelings, there’s a problem.

How do I know when someone is participating in negative coping?

It can be hard to pinpoint because everyone experiences grief in a different way, but numbing activities are a good indicator. For example, if you know someone who has been watching TV a lot, that may not be a sign of negative coping. However, if that person is actively avoiding all other responsibilities, isolating themselves, and skipping work to watch TV (even months after the loss), then there’s cause for concern.

Now that you understand negative coping, let’s discuss 4 unhealthy coping habits to avoid.

4 Unhealthy Coping Habits to Avoid

Before we look at some of the more damaging unhealthy coping habits, it’s important to understand that any behavior can be unhealthy when it’s used incorrectly. For instance, if you spend too much money, eat too much food, sleep too much, or watch TV too much, you can develop an unhealthy habit around that behavior. It’s important to evaluate why you are doing it and what you are avoiding.

Here are some normal behaviors that can take on an unhealthy edge during times of loss:

• Working long hours/staying busy
• Focusing on the needs of your family only/ignoring yourself
• Using food to numb your feelings
• Forgetting self-care/hygiene
• Sleeping too much
• Allowing an activity to consume your life (working out, TV, video games, etc.)

While all of these are concerning, there are some coping habits that are particularly damaging to your physical and emotional health. Participating in these activities may end up harming you or someone else.

#1 – Living in Denial

While denial is a normal part of grief, it should pass relatively quickly. When you see a loved one’s body at the visitation, attend the service, or help scatter the ashes, these actions all help you accept the reality of the death. However, refusing to acknowledge reality or choosing to live in denial can be very harmful. This doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t believe the death occurred, but it does mean you’ve shut off your emotions. If you don’t come to some form of acceptance, it can lead to fewer meaningful connections and feeling trapped in an emotional purgatory. Without meaningful connections, the zest for life is lost, and you live the shadow of a life you could have.

#2 – Choosing Isolation and Withdrawal

When things are hard, running away sometimes feels like a good idea. One way to run from dealing with your feelings is to withdraw and isolate. While this behavior may feel comforting in the moment, it leads to feelings of loneliness and a higher risk of mental health problems. When the grief feels like it’s ripping you apart, it is hard to engage with others, but it’s important that you do. You don’t have to become a social butterfly but let in the people who are closest to you. Be open and honest with those you trust and start to engage with your feelings. It will help, and you can balance your emotional needs.

#3 – Using Addictive Substances

Science tells us that some people are more likely than others to develop an addiction. Sometimes, an addiction starts from a desire to fit in with others, but often, it begins during times of great stress. Whether it’s alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs, the temptation to overuse addictive substances lies in their ability to help numb the emotions. We are looking for an external way to heal internal pain, but it’s only temporary. To truly heal, you have to confront the pain and deal with it. With this unhealthy habit, the effects can be far-reaching, including permanent damage to your body or even criminal charges.

#4 – Engaging in High-Risk Behavior

Perhaps the most alarming unhealthy habit is engaging in high-risk behavior. This could include abusing alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs, but it refers to other things, too. It could mean compulsive spending, gambling, self-harm, reckless driving, getting into an unhealthy relationship, or unsafe sexual activity. These activities can have very real and long-lasting consequences, which makes them particularly harmful. For example, gambling can lead to extreme debt or reckless driving can lead to criminal charges. High-risk behavior is a very obvious indicator that someone is not processing their grief in a healthy way.

If you find yourself or a loved one participating in any of these harmful behaviors or you are simply having trouble finding a healthy balance in your life, it’s helpful to talk with someone – a trusted friend, a pastor, a church elder, a licensed counselor. Suppressing your feelings gets you to no place good, so even though it hurts, face them head on.

Renowned grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt puts it this way, “From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of people I have counseled over the years, I have learned that we cannot go around the pain of our grief. Instead, we must learn to embrace and express it. This is hard but absolutely necessary work.”

How Can I Express My Pain in a Healthy Way?

Every person and every grief journey is unique, which means you have to figure out which healing actions work for you. However, there are many tried and true options that have been successful for a variety of people. Give different activities a try and see what works for you. For tips on healthy grieving habits, take a moment to read 10 Helpful Tips When Grieving a Loss, How Creativity Can Help You Deal with Loss, and 5 Benefits of a Grief Journal.

Grief is hard, and you may find yourself staggering from the loss. Even so, for your own sake, find a way to work through your emotions. Name them. Embrace them. And eventually, begin to heal from them. In the meantime, if you need help moving away from unhealthy coping habits, reach out to a grief therapist. They can help you do the work of grief and get on the road to healing.

While we’re all familiar with the emotional aspects of grief – feeling sad, angry, shocked, relieved – the body can also respond physically to loss. For many people, the physical response often shows up as feeling extremely tired, but there are many other possible responses. Often, the more intense your emotional grief, the more likely you are to respond physically. We’re going to review 8 of those responses today, but first, let’s talk about what’s going on with your body.

What’s Happening to My Body?

Every system of the body is connected in some way or another. That’s why the grief and stress you feel can begin to take a physical toll on your body. Just like work-related stress can begin to manifest in sleepless nights, headaches, racing thoughts, and heart palpitations, grief-related stress can do the same.

It will take time for your mind and emotions to come to grips with the loss you’ve suffered, and while you process your feelings, your body may also take a hit. The type of physical symptom you experience and its severity will vary from person to person. For some, the physical symptoms will include exhaustion and that’s it. For others, it might include exhaustion along with several other things.

Additionally, if you already have an existing physical condition, grief stress may exacerbate it. For example, if you have high blood pressure on a regular day, it may be harder to regulate while you’re experiencing deep grief. If you notice changes in a pre-existing condition, make sure to speak with your doctor and get the medical care you need.

For now, let’s take a look at 8 physical responses to grief that you may experience.

1. Tiredness/Exhaustion

Tiredness and exhaustion are perhaps the most common physical responses to grief. Your thoughts and feelings, not to mention any crying, are sapping your energy. You may not feel like going about your normal daily activities and need naps throughout the day. This is completely normal. Make sure you take time to rest because pushing your body too hard can lead to lowered immunity and make you susceptible to getting sick.

2. Lowered Immunity

Speaking of the immune system, grief boosts your production of stress hormones, leading to more inflammation and increased risk of illness. Paired with fatigue, it’s not uncommon for people to catch a cold or get an infection during times of grief. In a 2014 research study, it was found that older adults experiencing grief, specifically the loss of a spouse, were particularly prone to infection. So, make sure you take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it.

3. Brain Fog

Another common physical symptom, brain fog is your mind’s way of protecting you. As your body responds to grief – releasing stress hormones, feeling exhausted – your brain knows that you are becoming overwhelmed. Whether it’s helpful or not, your brain dulls a bit and tries to decrease the sharpness of your feelings. Brain fog typically goes away, usually after you’ve had a little time to process everything. For more information about brain fog, go to “Can Grief Make You Forget Things?”

4. Heart Health Concerns

Unfortunately, the release of stress hormones not only weakens the immune system, it also affects the cardiovascular system. One study found that the risk of heart attack increases 21-fold within 24 hours of a loved one’s death (and declines steadily each day after that). This is why there are instances when two family members may die in succession, like when Debbie Reynolds died of a heart-related complication just one day after her daughter, Carrie Fisher. If you experience chest pain, shortness of breath, or other symptoms, seek medical assistance right away.

5. Digestive Issues & Weight Changes

When grief hits, it usually disrupts your normal eating habits, which can lead to digestive issues. Whether you’re dealing with constipation, diarrhea, stomach pain, or nausea, it could be related to changes in your routine, stress, or even anxiety. You may be eating out more, consuming junk food, binge eating, or skipping your regular exercise. In addition to affecting your digestion, these changes can affect your weight as well.

On the other hand, your response to stress may be to undereat rather than to overeat. If this is the case, then you may see weight loss occur. Plus, if you already have a sensitive stomach and carry stress there, you may see an increase in digestive issues when you’re grieving. Just remember, feed your body well and stay away from spicy, acidic, or exotic foods that may stress your system.

6. General Pain or Discomfort

Whether it’s feeling sick to your stomach or dealing with a migraine, your body may respond to grief stress with general pain and discomfort. Ranging from headaches, body aches, and muscle pain, to heaviness in the limbs or a racing heart, the symptoms vary from person to person. You can use over-the-counter pain meds, cold compresses, and other aids to help manage any discomfort, but if you are concerned, seek out a doctor to get a full diagnosis.

7. Sleeping Issues

Sleep is essential when your body is in distress, but it needs to be a healthy balance. For some, insomnia becomes an issue, while for others, oversleeping becomes a concern. Getting too much or too little sleep can sap your energy, decrease your cognitive functioning, and slow down recovery. The first few days, you may sleep more, but after that, try to get yourself back on a normal routine. Your body will eventually bounce back, and your energy will return. For more tips, read “Sleeping Tips for the Grieving.”

8. Dehydration

Crying is a natural response to grief and loss, but it can also lead to dehydration or dry mouth. Don’t try to stifle your crying – let it all out – but do make sure that you are staying hydrated. With everything going on, your body needs extra liquids to maintain a healthy balance. If you can, limit alcohol and caffeinated drinks and focus on getting your electrolytes.

While this list is fairly comprehensive, you may experience something not listed here. Don’t panic. Instead, if you become concerned, make an appointment with your doctor. They can help settle your fears, or if needed, properly diagnose you. We’ve all Googled symptoms before, and it’s rarely helpful. Get with a professional so they can help you feel better faster.

How Long Do Physical Symptoms Last?

In short, it depends. For the majority of people, the strength of grief lessens over time, and the sharpness subsides. And certainly, it’s not long before your body stops releasing so many stress hormones. Much of the time, physical symptoms subside within a few days to a few months. However, if the symptoms intensify or don’t resolve within 6-8 months, it’s time to speak with a therapist or a doctor.

If physical symptoms are present for so long, complicated grief becomes a concern. With complicated grief, your feelings intensify over time, the loss takes center stage in your life, and there are feelings of intense sorrow and a tendency to withdraw and isolate. Should it get to this point, it’s best to seek out professional help because it’s gone beyond something you can tackle on your own. To learn more about complicated grief, go to “What is Complicated Grief?”

Tips for Coping with the Physical Symptoms of Grief

Before we look at a few suggestions for coping with grief, it’s important to remember that grief feelings aren’t always associated with the death of a person. It could be receiving a serious diagnosis, losing a job, ending a relationship or friendship, experiencing financial difficulty, or living through a natural disaster.

Regardless of the source of your grief, here are a few tips to help you take care of your body through the grieving process:

• Exercise regularly
• Stay hydrated
• Eat healthy foods daily
• Get enough sleep
• Go outside
• Take over-the-counter meds, as needed

In the early days, it may be difficult to think about self-care. To make things simple, just take each day as it comes, incorporating these practices as best you can. Over time, as you process your feelings and do the work of grief, you will find a way to move forward and enjoy life again.

Grief seems to have a mind of its own sometimes. At the most unexpected and inconvenient moments, it shows up unannounced. You may be having dinner with family, walking down the grocery store aisle, or simply taking a walk around your neighborhood. Right now, your world may feel colored in blues and grays. Your heart focused on the pain you feel and not on the things you have to be grateful for. That’s okay. Grief can feel overwhelming, and for a time, it may feel like it’s stealing your joy and thankfulness.

Just remember these three things as you work through the complex emotions of grief:

1. Grief takes a different path with everyone.
2. Grief is the result of deep love.
3. Grief won’t steal your joy and thankfulness forever.

Grief Takes a Different Path with Everyone

Did you know that grief manifests differently for every person? For example, your grief may include anger and sadness. For someone else, it may bring guilt and a deep sense of regret. In short, don’t feel like something is wrong if grief is stealing your joy because that’s just part of the process for you. Instead, acknowledge your feelings, accept them, and then begin to actively work through your grief. Taking intentional time to practice thankfulness can help, even when you don’t feel like it.

For helpful information on how to practice gratitude, go to Nature & Your Grief Journey or Practicing Remembrance & Gratitude During Times of Grief. It’s not going to happen overnight, but as you sort through your emotions, your view of the world will get lighter and lighter until you can see the silver lining again.

Grief is the Result of Caring

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, nationally recognized grief counselor and educator, has found that grief is not a universal experience. In many ways, grief is closely related to care or even love. If you don’t care about something, then you won’t grieve it. Sometimes, the care is positive – like love for a spouse. Other times, the care is associated with a negative experience – like wishing you’d had a better relationship with a parent or sibling. Both situations will elicit feelings of grief for very different reasons, but both are because, at some level, you cared or loved.

Dr. Wolfelt says:

“Love inevitably leads to grief. You see, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not – and cannot – exist without the other. People sometimes say that grief is the price we pay for the joy of having loved. This also means that grief is not a universal experience. Grief is predicated on our capacity to give and receive love. Some people choose not to love, and so, never grieve. If we allow ourselves the grace that comes with love, however, we must allow ourselves the grace that is required to mourn.”

Knowing that your grief is tied to your complex, emotional feelings about a particular person doesn’t make the process any easier. But, in a way, it is comforting. What you’re feeling is natural and normal. Even if the relationship was not wholly positive, try not to suppress what you feel. Instead, find healthy ways to engage with your feelings and give yourself permission to grieve.

Grief Won’t Steal Your Joy & Thankfulness Forever

It doesn’t feel like it right now, but grief won’t color your world so vividly forever. Will you always miss the person who has died? Absolutely, no question. Will you “get over” the loss? In many ways, you won’t. There will be moments throughout your life when grief may show up again. Can you find a way to move forward? Yes, there is hope after loss.

While time doesn’t heal wounds, it does give you the space you need to work through your grief. Right after a loss, the pain is at its sharpest. Over time, its sting does lessen and occurs less frequently. Taking time to sit with your pain, to experience it, and to wrestle with it will help you move toward healing and reconciliation. It won’t be easy, but it’s necessary to embracing life and thankfulness again.

Tips & Tools for Working Through Your Grief

Dr. Wolfelt says, “It is not instinctive to see grief and the need to openly mourn as something to honor…[but] to honor your grief is not self-destructive or harmful, it is courageous and life-giving.” But perhaps you don’t know how to begin. How do you embark on the work of grief? How do you confront your pain, so that you can process it in a healthy way?

To help you on your journey, check out the resources below. They will help you work through your feelings and discover the best want for you to move forward and find joy in life again. Grief won’t steal your joy or your thankfulness forever – unless you let it. Above all, remember that with intentionality and fortitude, you will see the sun again, and it will be beautiful.

Resources:

Mustering the Courage to Mourn

Exploring Your Feelings of Loss

Grief & the Six Needs of Mourning

10 Helpful Tips When Grieving a Loss

5 Tips for Grieving When You’re Feeling Isolated

Grief & Difficult Relationships

How Creativity Can Help You Deal with Loss

5 Benefits of a Grief Journal

Losing a sibling can have a huge impact on your life. Siblings are often constants, with you throughout childhood and into adulthood. While relationships between siblings can be complex and messy at times, that complexity makes grieving a sibling important. However, a parent’s or a spouse’s grief often take a front seat in everyone’s mind, and you may feel left out or forgotten.

Unfortunately, sibling grief is not talked about as much as other forms of grief, but your grief for your sibling is just as important as grieving a parent, a spouse, or a child. There are a lot of things you might have to wrestle with when your sibling dies, but it’s necessary to take time to grieve, both on your own and with others.

Here are 5 things to keep in mind if you are grieving the death of a sibling.

1. Remember the Good Times

When someone you love dies, especially if the death is unexpected or if the person is close to your age, thoughts about what might have happened in the future can be overwhelming. While it’s important to grieve those lost moments, you don’t want to lose sight of the time you did have with your sibling.

Taking time to reminisce about good memories can help you treasure your sibling’s life and memory. Plus, focusing on the good times will prevent you from solely dwelling on time lost. Another way you can keep your sibling’s memory alive is by visiting a place that was special to you and your sibling or doing one of their favorite things, like watching their favorite movie, playing their favorite board game, or listening to one of their favorite songs. Doing those favorite things can be especially helpful on significant dates, like your sibling’s birthday, the day of their death, or holidays, and they can even become rituals you use to honor your sibling’s memory.

2. Come to Terms with Unfinished Business

Barbara Karnes, a registered nurse and end-of-life educator, points out that when we grieve, “it is the unfinished business, the unsaid words that we carry heavily within us.” If you were unprepared for your sibling’s death, you may feel a lot of emotional turmoil during your grief journey. You might struggle with things you wish you had said or done, or perhaps you made plans with your sibling that now won’t come to pass. In these situations, it’s natural to struggle to reconcile yourself to the loss you’ve suffered.

Talking to a grief counselor or therapist is a great way to help you process your emotions and come to terms with your loss. Additionally, writing a letter to your sibling can help. While they won’t see your letter, you can say the things you wish you had said to them, and you can also be honest about your feelings. Acknowledging less obvious aspects of your grief can help you move toward reconciliation and learn how to incorporate the loss into the story of your life.

3. Initiate Interactions with Your Other Siblings

If you have other brothers and sisters, your one sibling’s death might affect your relationships with them. Your other siblings are likely struggling to understand and process their grief, just like you. While it might be difficult, gathering together can help all of you in your grief journeys, and it might be up to you to initiate these gatherings.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally renowned and respected grief expert, says that each family member mourns the loss of a sibling in , saying, “While you might have anticipated some of your sibling’s responses (for example, your emotional sister has probably been emotional), other responses may have surprised you. Try not to let these differences alarm you or hurt your feelings.”

Some siblings might feel angry, sad, guilty, or even numb. By talking to your siblings, supporting them, and spending time with them, you show that you acknowledge their grief and struggles. Opening communication with your siblings can also create a supportive environment within the family. But remember, bringing your family together isn’t all on you—there’s only so much one person can do. Don’t feel guilty if your siblings resist attempts to help them or mediate arguments.

However, spending time with your siblings isn’t just about helping them heal—it can help you heal, too, by reminding you that you aren’t alone in your grief. After all, your siblings know your family history, so they can remind you of moments with your sibling you’ve forgotten and provide unique understanding you might not find anywhere else. By taking the first step to open up to your siblings, you can create a supportive space for everyone’s grief journey.

4. Take Time for Yourself

When your sibling dies, it might be easy to distract yourself by helping your parents, living siblings, or other family members, but it’s essential to take time for yourself. It can be tempting to bottle up your feelings, and at first, you might feel guilty about needing to spend some time apart from your friends and family. However, taking time for yourself is an essential part of the grief journey. Time spent by yourself gives you space to process and acknowledge the emotions you are feeling. Depending on the situation, you might feel a variety of emotions: anger, sadness, relief, guilt, shock, fear, or any number of other emotions. There’s no right way to feel after a loss, and acknowledging your feelings is a necessary part of grief.

There are many ways you can take time for yourself. You can focus on “me time” and simply relax by taking a nap, reading a book, or going for a walk. If you’re feeling more active, you could spend time outdoors or do something creative, like journaling, painting, or gardening. Some people like to make scrapbooks or memory boxes honoring loved ones who have died. No matter what you choose to do, take time to care for yourself.

5. Get Support

When someone you love dies, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and lost as you try to navigate your grief and the grief of those around you. Joining a support group or visiting a therapist can help you process your feelings and show you that you are not alone. Getting support is especially important if you are a twin whose brother or sister has died or if you find yourself without support from your family. While seeking outside support might seem scary at first, it can also be extremely beneficial to you in the long run.

Every family is different, and grieving any loved one is never easy. While the journey ahead will be difficult, as you work through your emotions and grieve with your family, you will find a way to move forward and treasure your sibling’s life and legacy.