Grief/Loss Archives - Page 5 of 17

Sep 06

Woman wearing an orange shirt as she frosts a cake

Remembering Loved Ones Through Baking

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

Some things are universal, across every culture and background. Having an emotional connection between memory and food is one of those things. As human beings, we connect with others through food. Shared meals, holiday traditions, beloved family recipes, and special treats all strengthen bonds and bring families together over the years. That’s one reason why baking can be a meaningful (and tasty) way to remember a loved one. Let’s look at a few other reasons why baking can help you grieve and honor a loved one’s memory.

Baking unlocks memories

According to scientific research, of the six senses, the one most connected to memory is the sense of smell. So, when you bake Grandma’s famous Christmas cookies or Dad’s favorite casserole, the smells are going to unlock cherished memories and bring you comfort.

Baking is therapeutic

After the loss of a loved one, you may feel like your life is spinning and you’ve lost control. For some people, loss of control can increase feelings of anxiety. Because baking is predictable – certain ingredients mixed together create a delectable treat – it can bring a sense of peace and calm. You can’t control every factor of your life right now, but you can control the outcome of Aunt Susan’s tried-and-true banana-nut bread.

Baking reduces stress

Similarly, baking can reduce your stress levels, too. The repetition of steps can calm you down. And the smells bring comfort and relaxation. Plus, knowing that your efforts will result in something delightful to eat (or share with others) brings a sense of accomplishment. And if you are feeling particularly stressed, you can take it out on the bread dough you’re kneading!

Baking provides creative opportunities to honor loved ones

While you may follow a specific recipe, baking also gives you room to express a certain amount of creativity. If you want to honor a loved one’s memory, you could make cupcakes in their favorite color or flavor. Or, you could decorate them with a special theme, like butterflies, sports team colors, or fishing. Alternatively, you can mix-and-match. Perhaps you prefer buttercream frosting, but your grandmother just loved chocolate ganache. Make your favorite cake and ice it with chocolate ganache in her memory.

Baking minimizes the fear of forgetting a loved one

Have you ever feared that you might forget a loved one’s face, their voice, their smell? By actively engaging with the things they loved – like their favorite baked goods – you can keep that memory alive. Not only will the sweet smells activate your memory, so will the look, taste, and feel of whatever you make. Together, your senses will help you travel back in time and keep your loved one’s memory alive.

Baking brings a sense of closeness to your loved one

There will be times when you desperately miss your lost loved one. In those times, you can remember them through baking their favorite things. If it’s the holidays, bring out Mom’s family-famous reindeer cookies. If it’s her birthday, bake her favorite cake. As you enjoy each fragrant bite, take time to reflect on your memories and cherish the time you had together.

Father and young daughter baking together, smiling and having a good time

Baking brings people together

Most of the time, baked goods are meant to be shared. Because of this, baked goods are an excellent birthday or holiday gift, especially when they have special meaning. So, you might choose to bake your loved one’s favorite pumpkin bread to share with family or friends, and when you do, you might say, “This was my son’s favorite.” As you invite others into your grief journey, you allow them to come alongside you to offer support and love. We need both when we’re grieving the death of someone dearly loved.

However, Don’t Stress About It

Maybe baking sounds like a good idea, but you aren’t so sure about putting it into practice.

Just remember:

Keep It Simple

If you want to bake something special in memory of your loved one, keep it simple. If it’s the holidays and you decide you want to bake ALL of the family Christmas cookies, that can get overwhelming fast. Instead, choose one or two that mean the most. The more complicated you make it, the less likely you are to actually do it.

If Baking Isn’t Your Thing, That’s Just Fine

And let’s be honest, not everyone enjoys baking. If that’s you, don’t worry. There are other ways to use food to honor and remember a loved one. Pick up their favorite store-bought pastries. Get a meal at their favorite restaurant. Order their signature drink at the coffee shop. You can still benefit from the smell, taste, and feel of meaningful foods if you didn’t make them yourself.

No matter what works best for you and your family, food is closely tied to our memories of the people we love. As you mourn the loss of someone you love, rest on your precious memories and allow them to help you grieve.

Aug 30

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9 Tips for Staying Physically Healthy While Grieving

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Living Well

After the death of a loved one, you’re going to experience a variety of emotions. Every person is different, but the emotions will range from sadness and confusion, to anger, fear, and disbelief. So much of the grief journey occurs in the mind, but grief also takes a toll on the body. To help yourself grieve and stay on top of the things you “must do,” here are 9 helpful tips to keeping your body healthy while you’re healing emotionally.

1. Establish a routine

Grief will throw your life and routine off balance, so you will need to re-establish a sense of normalcy after a loss. Routines provide a sense of peace and calm amidst the emotional upheaval. You know what’s coming and can enjoy the comfort of regularity. So, determine the best routine for you. This will support your emotional healing as you adjust to what life looks like after the loss of someone loved.

2. Eat a healthy diet

You may be tempted to indulge in sweets and junk food when your emotions are in turmoil but try to maintain a healthy diet. Nourishing food will give you strength to face the difficult days and weeks ahead. When you feel good physically, you will also feel much better emotionally! Unless cooking helps you relax, you might consider meal prepping, so that you have less stress throughout the week.

3. Eat less sugar

As mentioned above, a healthy diet is important to caring for your body. But let’s take a moment to talk about sugar specifically. Sugar in moderation is completely fine, but research shows that too much sugar leads to mood imbalances, fluctuating hormone levels, and increased blood pressure and inflammation. In some people (higher risk in men), it can lead to depression. So, even if you can’t be completely healthy with your diet due to money, time, or energy levels, consider at least cutting back on the sugar.

4. Stay hydrated

Much like food, water is essential to a healthy body. It’s actually even more important. The body can go 3-6 weeks without food but only around 3 days without water. So, as you’re grieving, make sure you stay hydrated. Plenty of water will help regulate your body temperature, assist with digestion, help you absorb nutrients, fight off illness, and improve mood. If you have a tough time remembering to hydrate, set timers or carry a water bottle around with you.

5. Get plenty of sleep

Good sleep is essential for overall health and wellness. After a loss, you may lose sleep due to intrusive thoughts, stress, bad dreams, or anxiety. To promote sleep, try to create a comfortable, cool, and calm atmosphere at night. Over-the-counter sleep aids may also help. If nothing else works, consider talking to your doctor or therapist. For more suggestions, give “Sleeping Tips for the Grieving” a quick read.

6. Exercise regularly

Exercise reduces stress and improves mood, which is important while grieving. If you participated in a regular exercise routine before the death of your loved one, try to continue. If you did not practice a lifestyle of exercise, start small. Take a walk, ride a bike, or pick up small hand weights. Even moderate daily exercise can help improve your mood and relieve stress. To learn more about the benefits of some form of exercise during a time of loss, go to “Can Exercise Help You Grieve?”

7. Avoid numbing activities

Unfortunately, for some, grief can trigger or exacerbate unhealthy coping habits. When these habits are unaddressed or go on too long, they can seriously affect your ability to live a healthy life. If you notice that you are using activities like overeating, drinking, addictive substances, or mindless TV/news watching to avoid confronting painful emotions, it may be necessary to seek assistance. Not only will these habits inhibit your ability to emotionally heal, but they may also affect your long-term physical health.

8. Choose nurturing activities

Instead of numbing activities, engage in activities that feed your spirit and soul. Look for opportunities to do things that bring you joy or give you a sense of fulfillment. Spend time outdoors. Listen to uplifting music (skip the moody stuff for now). Take walks. Get a massage. Volunteer for a cause you believe in. Write in a grief journal. Express your emotions through creativity. Spend time in quiet reflection or meditation. All of these activities will soothe your mind, and in turn, keep your body healthy.

9. Seek out support

If you are struggling with difficult emotions, such as depression, or need a listening ear, don’t hesitate to ask others for help. Trusted friends, family members, therapists, counselors, or grief support groups are all excellent resources to help you on your journey through grief. Grief is something we all go through, but we all experience it differently. You must find the methods that work best for you on your individual journey. Don’t compare your needs to someone else’s – simply find the healthy options that work best for you.

Hopefully these 9 tips will help you on the journey toward healing. It will take time, so be patient with yourself. As you do the work of grief by actively engaging with your emotions, you will begin to see that each day becomes a little brighter. You will never “get over” the death of your loved one; that’s not the point of healing. The goal is to come to terms with it, to make peace with it, and find renewed purpose and meaning in the remainder of your days.

Aug 18

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Mature woman sitting on a pink exercise mat, stretching her right leg out in front of her

Can Exercise Help You Grieve?

By christy.kessler Educational, Grief/Loss

You may have noticed that grief puts a lot of stress on your mind and body. To combat that stress, your body’s natural response is to release a hormone called cortisol. Cortisol helps regulate your blood pressure, blood sugar, inflammation levels, and stress response. So, it’s a good thing, but cortisol also makes you tired. That’s why it’s important to practice good self-care during times of grief, and one important key to self-care is exercise. The best news – according to the experts, as little as 30 minutes a day of moderate exercise can make a difference.

Mature woman sitting on a pink exercise mat, stretching her right leg out in front of her

It might seem counterintuitive to exercise when you’re already feeling tired and emotionally spent, but let’s discuss 5 ways that exercise can make you feel better when you’re feeling down.

1. Exercise Boosts Mood

When you exercise, your body releases endorphins, a hormone that acts as a natural pain and stress reliever. You can decrease your stress and anxiety by exercising just a little bit every day. That might mean a brisk walk outside for 30 minutes or a calming Pilates routine. As you work movement into your day, you will see your aches and pains ease and your mood boost. Numerous research studies have shown that inactivity and staying in bed increase anxiety and sad feelings, so get up and get moving.

2. Exercise Aids Sleep

Every person responds to grief differently, and for some, that includes experiencing sleeplessness. Your thoughts may be racing. You may be struggling to mentally accept what has happened. By including exercise in your daily routine, you can reduce your stress levels and make it more likely that you will relax when bedtime comes around. For more sleeping tips, make sure to read Sleeping Tips for the Grieving.

3. Exercise Provides an Emotional Reprieve

When a death occurs, it can quickly take center stage in your life. While you shouldn’t ignore your grief feelings, you can’t work through everything at once. Instead, give yourself mental and emotional breaks. Though it may only be for 20 or 30 minutes, participating in exercise allows your emotions to rest and gives your mind a much-needed reprieve.

4. Exercise Increases Self-Esteem & Normalcy

Grief and loss interrupt the normal flow of life. In many ways, grief can make you feel helpless and like you are no longer the captain of your own life. But by committing to regular exercise, you can begin to take back some of that control and normalcy. Whether it’s going for a run, attending a Zumba class, or playing golf, exercise can boost your self-esteem as you grow stronger and give you confidence to overcome any challenges and obstacles ahead.

5. Exercise Decreases Loneliness

The grief journey can feel long and lonely, but with exercise, you can increase your opportunities to give and receive support from others. Some days, it’s going to be easier to exercise at home or take a quick stroll around the block. However, when you can, try to attend a group class or invite a friend to walk with you. You will feel less lonely and will even have the chance to share what’s on your heart and mind.

Recommendations for Exercising While You’re Grieving

Now that you understand the benefits of exercise during times of grief, let’s talk through a few quick recommendations if you choose to add exercise to your grief journey.

Take it Easy on Yourself

Exercise isn’t going to magically cure your problems. And while exercise is a useful tool to boost your mood and create a better overall outlook, you also need to listen to your body. For a time, you may need to re-define what exercise looks like for you. You may be used to 45-minute HIIT sessions every day, but while you’re grieving, that may need to scale back to HIIT two days a week and long walks on the other days. The bottom line is, take it easy. Listen to your body. Don’t overdo it.

Eat Well and Drink Plenty of Water

After a death, many people experience a change in eating habits. Some may experience a loss of appetite, while others may overindulge in takeout, sweets, and comfort food. A few days of this is totally normal, but don’t let it go on too long. Instead, make an effort to give your body nutritious foods that will fuel you rather than drag you down. Also, drink plenty of water. Whether you are losing water through sweat (from exercise) or crying (from your feelings of grief), your body needs water to replenish itself. And to be on the safe side, limit your caffeine and alcohol as these two drink choices may dehydrate your body.

30 Minutes Can Make a Difference

Depending on your personality and preferred workout routine, 30 minutes may seem like forever or no time at all. But regardless of where you fall on the exercise spectrum, you will experience the benefits of exercise in as little as 30 minutes 5 days a week. So, if you aren’t ready to jump back into a full routine, that’s okay. Commit to 30 minutes of moderate exercise and see how you feel. Also, choose an activity that matches your mood. If you need peace and relaxation, do yoga or Pilates. If you’re dealing with anger, a boxing class might be best. No matter what you choose, even a little bit of exercise can help.

Lacking Motivation?

If you find that you just don’t have the desire to exercise but you’d like to, consider exercising to honor your loved one’s memory. You could sign up for a 5K or do a walking challenge. If your loved one enjoyed baseball, surfing, or some other sport, join a league and learn for yourself. You can also recruit friends or family to join you in your exercise goals. You’re more likely to do something if other people are counting on you to be there.

Don’t Use Exercise to Avoid Your Grief

It’s a natural part of human nature to avoid painful or difficult things. But, if you’re going to heal and learn how to move forward after a loss, it’s essential that you engage with your feelings and come to a place of reconciliation and peace. People all over the world use exercise to provide relief, a sense of purpose, and an outlet for positive or negative emotions. Carefully analyze your own motivations and make sure you aren’t using exercise as an excuse to escape your grief.

While including an exercise routine in your grief journey isn’t required to come to a place of healing, it is a useful tool in your belt. Exercise can boost your mood, help you sleep, provide a reprieve from complex feelings, increase your self-esteem, and decrease your loneliness during times of grief. And if you feel stuck despite doing your best to work through your feelings of grief, consider talking with a grief therapist. They can listen to what’s going on in your heart and mind and give you suggestions that will help you find the healing you’re looking for.

Aug 16

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Grandparents laughing with young granddaughter

The Importance of Laughter in Hospice Care

By Courtney Cook Grief/Loss, Hospice, Living Well

When you or someone you love receives a terminal diagnosis, the last thing you may feel like doing is laughing. As the transition to end-of-life care begins, you may feel overwhelmed by various emotions, like fear, anger, sadness, or despair.

But a positive mindset and humor can improve the quality of life of a person in hospice, boost their physical and mental health, and help them cope with their new situation. As you and your family begin to process the terminal diagnosis, laughter – at appropriate times – can bring you together and help you grieve well together.

Here are four ways laughter and humor benefit those in hospice care. Plus, make sure you read to the end for some helpful tips for creating a positive atmosphere during this difficult time!

Benefit #1: Laughter helps you cope

adult daughter hugging and smiling with elderly father

Coping with a terminal diagnosis can be difficult for both a patient and their family. But humor can help you change your perspective and make the most of the time you have left together. While death is serious, end-of-life situations often come with weird, peculiar moments, and laughing at those situations can help you have a more positive mindset. Plus, humor is a positive coping skill that can show acceptance, rather than avoidance, of the situation.

Benefit #2: Laughter provides relief

elderly couple laughing together while watching a movie

Laughter can also benefit those in hospice by relieving stress and tension. When we’re in a stressful situation, we often hold in our emotions. These emotions build within us, creating pressure. Laughter releases that pressure and brings those emotions to the surface, providing relief from the stress and tension. This doesn’t mean that negative emotions disappear; instead, laughter helps us relax and cope with our emotions in a healthier way.

Benefit #3: Laughter boosts physical health

Two elderly friends laughing together outside

Most of us know the old cliche, “Laughter is the best medicine.” While this statement is an exaggeration, laughter does have some healing properties! Hospice is about improving a patient’s quality of life, and laughter can help. Laughter increases oxygen intake, which provides a boost for your internal organs, and it can alleviate pain by releasing positive endorphins. Plus, laughter helps boost your immune system, improve your blood flow, and burn calories – all of which can improve your health.

Benefit #4: Laughter connects you to others

group of elderly friends laughing in a circle

Have you ever seen or read something so funny that you had to share it with someone else? Humor has a way of bringing people together and creating connections. Laughing with others helps you let down your walls and be less defensive, encouraging you to be more vulnerable. Laughter can also decrease loneliness, which can be a big problem for some people in hospice care.

Laughing with others can also help decrease relationship tension and stress. During stressful situations, like coping with a terminal diagnosis, tensions can run high, creating conflict. Humor and laughter (at appropriate times) can alleviate tension in these difficult situations. Learning to make light of the awkward moments that may come with end-of-life care can help the patient, family, and hospice workers feel more comfortable with each other.

How can you create a more positive atmosphere?

Grandparents laughing with young granddaughter

After you or a loved one receives a terminal diagnosis, it may be hard to find ways to laugh. Here are a few different ways to incorporate more humor into your daily life.

Find humor in situations. Little funny things happen around us all the time, and finding humor in those moments is great! Just make sure that you’re laughing with someone, not at them.
Watch a funny TV show, movie, or video. Everyone has a different type of humor that makes them laugh. You can watch a favorite movie that you’ve always found funny or try something new!
Talk with kids. Kids can say the silliest things sometimes. If you have kids, grandkids, or know anyone with kids, take time to talk to them, play with them, and ask them questions.
Have a game night. Playing games with friends and family can often lead to shenanigans. Just stay away from Uno Draw Fours and Monopoly’s Boardwalk!
Share a cheesy joke. The best part of telling someone a cheesy joke or terrible pun is making yourself laugh! Even if no one else finds the joke funny, their groans are sure to make you laugh.

As you look to laugh more, remember that timing matters! Not everyone will feel like laughing during this time, and it’s important to be sensitive to the emotions of those around you – whether you’re the patient or your loved one is. Above all, focus on using laughter to create a positive atmosphere and mindset to make this difficult time a little easier for everyone.

Aug 03

Love0

Grief support group meeting; focus on older man receiving comfort from four other members

9 Qualities to Look for in a Grief Support Group

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

When you first lose a loved one, your friends and family may provide all the care and support you need. But over time, you may require other outlets to process your grief. That’s where a grief support group can help! The question is, “How do you know whether a certain grief support group is a good one or not?” To help you answer that question, we’ve compiled a list of 9 qualities to look for in a grief support group.

Want more information on the benefits of a grief support group? Read 7 Benefits of Joining a Grief Support Group.

9 Qualities to Look for in a Grief Support Group

Every person is different – personality, background, support needs – but at a basic level, every grief support group should showcase these qualities.

A good grief support group:

1. Possesses a strong and capable facilitator

We’ll start with perhaps the most important quality for any grief support group – a facilitator who knows what they’re doing. The facilitator should understand group dynamics, know how to kindly rein people in, and be personally familiar with grief. Often, facilitators receive some form of training or are intimately familiar with the grieving process. Regardless, the facilitator can make or break the group, and so many of the remaining qualities depend on their leadership. So, make sure you trust the facilitator and feel that they are competent and capable.

2. Recognizes that each person’s grief is unique

Have you noticed that some deaths affect you more deeply than others? That’s because your level of grief directly relates to your personality and your relationship with the deceased. For example, if your spouse dies, you will grieve differently than his of her friends and family. Most people attending the funeral will know and care about the deceased, but they won’t all have the same depth of relationship. A good grief support group will openly recognize that every person’s grief is unique, and they won’t try to lump everyone into the same grief bucket.

3. Reminds you that you’re not alone in your grief

Grief doesn’t come with a timetable; it takes the time it takes. So, it can feel lonely, especially if you see other family members moving forward more quickly than you. A good grief support group will remind you that you’re not alone on the grief journey. The group will be made up of people from all walks of life who are at different parts of the healing process. As you interact with other grieving people, there is comfort in knowing you aren’t alone and that there’s hope for your own journey toward healing and reconciliation.

4. Allows participants to share at their comfort level

In a good grief support group, you should feel comfortable sharing (or not sharing) as you see fit. Also, no one or two people should monopolize the group discussion. You will see participants expressing a variety of emotions – sadness, uncertainty, anger, fear – and all of these emotions are accepted. Each person should feel validated and heard, but never pressured to participate when they don’t want to do so.

5. Creates a judgment-free, safe space

Grief brings out a lot of complicated emotions, and a good grief support group will allow you to express those feelings without fear of judgment. There should be a commitment amongst attendees that the gathering is a confidential space. People should be able to speak without interruption and know that other members are listening with empathy and kindness. There’s comfort in hearing and being heard, but you need to know that you’re in a safe place with safe people.

6. Adheres to an organized structure and sets expectations

The facilitator should clearly outline expectations for the group. This may include a confidentiality clause, guidelines on asking questions, things to say and not to say, etc. The gathering should feel organized and well-structured. When you’re grieving, the last thing you need is extra chaos, and a disorganized group may only add to your stress. Also, consider the size of the group. It’s often best to join a group with 5-15 members. Make sure you find a group that clearly outlines the expectations and has an easy rhythm to follow.

7. Respects everyone’s beliefs

When you bring a group of people together, you’re going to get all kinds of backgrounds, beliefs, cultural differences, and opinions. In a good group, everyone should feel welcome. You may not agree with everyone’s worldview, but you have the common ground of grief. You can support each other and learn from each other as you move toward the common goal of healing. However, if you prefer, there are groups that focus on approaching grief from a specific perspective or religion. Feel free to seek these groups out. The most important thing is your healing!

8. Educates you on what grief is and how to process it

A good grief support group will allow you to share what’s on your heart and mind, but it will also provide you with a better understanding of grief. You should learn more about what grief is, why we feel it, and how to process it in a healthy way. This could mean hearing about relaxation techniques, stress management, or outwardly processing your feelings through creativity, journaling, or exercise. Plus, as you listen to other members, you will glean from their experience and identify habits that will help you grieve.

9. Addresses your specific type of loss

This last quality is not a “must” for everyone, but it’s worth mentioning. Some people prefer to join a support group that focuses on a specific type of loss, such as spouse loss, child loss, or suicide loss. A group that focuses on general grief is excellent and worth joining, but if you feel the need to join a group that targets your specific form of loss, don’t ignore that need. There are countless groups out there – both online and in person. Attend a few different groups (give each group a fair shake) before settling on the one that best fits your needs.

While a support group won’t take away your grief, it should give you hope. There are good things to come, and you will find the healing you’re looking for. If you find that a grief support group isn’t right for you, that’s completely fine. Instead, consider talking to a grief counselor one-on-one. You don’t have to walk this road alone. There are people ready and willing to walk alongside you.

Resources

Your local funeral home should be able to point you to grief support groups in your specific area. Additionally, you can check out these online resources for grief support:

National Alliance for Children’s Grief (child)
The Compassionate Friends (all grief)
National Widowers Organization (widowers)
Soaring Spirits International (loss of spouse)
COPE (loss of sibling)
TAPS (loss of veteran or service member)
GriefShare (all grief)
MISS Foundation (loss of child)
SAVE (suicide loss)

Jul 18

Love0

Can Animals Help You Grieve?

By Courtney Cook Grief/Loss, Pets

Grieving the loss of a loved one looks different for everyone. Each person has their own unique needs and ways of coping with a loss. But did you know that interacting with animals can actually help you grieve? Whether you feel overwhelmed by stress, struggle to keep a routine going, or have a child who won’t talk about their feelings, animals can help you and your family as you move along your grief journey. Here are 5 ways that animals can provide support and care to those who are grieving.

Boost Mental Health

man holding a black and white cat

Did you know that just being around animals can improve your mental health? For most people, just being in the presence of an animal can help boost positive hormones like dopamine and decrease stress-related hormones. Interacting with animals can also reduce anxiety and help those with depression.

Even more importantly, animals provide companionship – an important need after losing a loved one. Many people struggle with loneliness after someone they love dies, but a pet can combat loneliness through their presence.

Provide Physical Benefits

woman walking her dog in a park

Animals can also provide physical benefits to those who are grieving. Pets, especially dogs, need exercise, which helps their owners stay active. Exercising is known to help with depression and sadness, which are common during times of grief.

Plus, having a pet can encourage you to take care of yourself. No matter what type of pet you have, your animal friend relies on you to feed and care for them, which can motivate you to get moving when you don’t feel like it. Even more importantly, having a pet can encourage you to take better care of yourself – whether that’s through exercise, diet, or choosing to do things you love.

Create Routines

man with iguana on his shoulder

After losing someone you love, you may feel like your world has been turned upside down. That feeling can make everyday life a struggle, but sticking to a routine can give you a sense of normalcy when everything else feels chaotic.

Animals need to be fed and cared for on a regular basis, which can help you create a structured routine. The motivation to care for a pet that’s relying on you can encourage you to keep moving and stick to your daily routine. Whether you’re feeding your pet iguana, playing with your pet rabbit, or taking your dog for a walk, a routine can help you find your new normal at a time when your world might feel hectic and stressful.

Give Social Support

Social support is important after the death of someone you love. But did you know that animals can provide social support, too? Animals are great to talk to, and most pet owners have built relationships with their pets. This relationship can reduce loneliness, especially for those struggling with grief.

In fact, one study about social support found that people who had pets or interacted with animals were more likely to feel supported in their grief. Because most animals are very loving and enjoy attention, they provide an unconditional, endless source of companionship for grieving people.

Help Children Process Grief

Coping with grief can be a struggle for children. Their brains are still developing and learning to navigate the world and their emotions. The death of someone they love can bring on emotions they are unprepared to handle. While they struggle to understand their feelings, they must also learn how to process their grief and the sudden absence of someone they knew well.

Spending time with an animal can comfort a child. But many children also love talking to animals, which can help them learn how to talk about their emotions. Many children may not feel comfortable sharing their feelings with an adult, or they may not know how to describe their emotions. Talking to an animal provides a low-pressure way for children to explore their feelings and begin to process their grief.

Different Kinds of Support Animals

Animals can support people who are grieving in different ways, depending on their level of training! Here are the different ways animals can help.

As a pet

An animal doesn’t need to be certified or specially trained to help with grief! Any pet can provide emotional support to its owner. Even pet fish can help your mental health!

As a therapy animal

brown dog with therapy dog vest

Therapy animals are typically pets that help support large groups of people. For example, dogs or other animals that visit hospital patients are therapy animals. So are grief therapy dogs that some funeral homes have. Therapy animals don’t always need to be trained or certified, but they must be well-behaved and may need to undergo obedience training.

As an emotional support animal

Just like therapy animals, emotional support animals (ESAs) don’t need to be trained or certified. But instead of helping a group of people, ESAs help a particular person with a mental or psychological disability. To obtain an ESA, a person must receive a prescription letter from a licensed mental health professional who determines that an animal would benefit them. ESAs are not service animals since they only provide mental health support and aren’t trained to perform a particular task.

As a certified service animal

A service animal is trained to perform a specific task for someone with a specific disability. For example, a seeing-eye dog is trained to guide someone who is blind or visually impaired, so it would be a service animal. Service animals must be specially trained and certified to assist someone with a disability.

While everyone has different needs, interacting with animals can greatly benefit you while you’re grieving. Whether you spend time with your own pet, interact with a therapy animal, or apply for an emotional support or service animal, consider spending time with an animal as you continue your grief journey.

Jul 11

Love0

Father in denim shirt comforting his young daughter, who is sad

How You Can Support a Child After Parent Suicide

By christy.kessler Children, Grief/Loss, Loss from Suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is devastating at any age, but it has a deep, formative impact on children. Johns Hopkins Children’s Center has done extensive research and found that children who are under the age of 18 when their parent dies by suicide are three times more likely to complete suicide themselves. That’s why it is so deeply important to provide support, encouragement, and care to these children. With that in mind, we’ll discuss 10 ways you can support a child as they process a parent’s suicide.

Note: This is a sensitive, complex topic, and will be a long-term undertaking for adult caregivers. We recommend that you also speak with a child grief counselor or specialist to get the most well-rounded information possible as you seek to help the child in your life.

Understanding the Work of Grief

First, let’s first talk about the “work of grief.” What does this mean? Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, a nationally respected author and grief counselor, says that we all have six needs when we mourn. Six needs that will help us do the work of grief and move toward healing and reconciliation. (Click here to read Dr. Wolfelt’s full article on the six needs.)

They are:

Acknowledging the reality of the death
Embracing the pain of the loss
Remembering the person who has died
Developing a new self-identity
Searching for meaning
Receiving ongoing support from others

As you help a child process their suicide grief, keep these needs in mind. The child will work through each need during the grief journey. It will likely take many years, and there won’t be any particular order. Instead, focus on being there for them – a steady source of love and support.

Now that you have an understanding of the work of grief, let’s look at 10 tips for supporting a child after a parent completes suicide.

10 Tips for Supporting a Child After a Parent’s Suicide

1. Be Open and Honest

It’s instinctive to want to protect children from the harsh things of life, but by doing so, we don’t teach them how to overcome those hard things. So, even though it may seem kinder to gloss over or barely discuss a parent’s suicide death, resist the urge. Also, don’t wait to tell them. The last thing they need is to hear about a parent’s death from a classmate, a teacher, or even on social media.

Children need to be able to trust the adults in their lives to tell the truth. When they ask questions, answer the questions. Be open. Be honest. Yes, be tactful and age-appropriate, but tell them what has happened. Children are resilient, but if you hide the truth, you will only create confusion and anger later on when they find out you weren’t fully honest.

To help you prepare for potential questions your child could ask, click here.

2. Show Your Own Emotions

As adults, we try to keep our emotions in check, but this habit is often harmful. Children learn by example – by watching what you do – so if you stifle your emotions, they will stifle theirs. If you refuse to face your own depth of feeling, they won’t learn how to understand their own feelings.

So, be open with your own emotions. As you open up, your child will learn that it’s normal and okay to be sad, angry, betrayed, or confused after a death. By modeling healthy ways to process grief, you will help the child acknowledge the reality of the death and move forward on a journey toward healing.

3. Define “Suicide” and Discuss “Sadness vs. Depression”

You’ll use different words depending on the age of the child, but you want your child to have an understanding of suicide that comes from you. Additionally, it’s important to explain the difference between sadness and depression. You certainly don’t want a child to think suicide is the answer when they are feeling sad.

Instead, emphasize that the person was sick – they had a disease – which made them unable to think clearly or make good decisions. Then, discuss healthy ways to cope with sadness and other difficult feelings, so your child understands there are good ways to deal with big emotions.

For detailed tips on how to keep the discussion age-appropriate, click here.

4. Leave the Discussion Open

Grief isn’t over in a day. A child dealing with the suicide death of a parent has a long road ahead. They may ask questions every day for weeks, stop for a while, and then bring it up again in a year. As the adult caregiver, always be ready to open the discussion again. The child is only bringing it up because they’ve been thinking about it and want to process something.

Plus, children grieve differently, depending on age and personality. They will ask questions, and then they will go off and play. Or they won’t want to talk at first, but after they’ve had time to think, they will want to discuss it with you. Be open and ready, expecting future questions, so you won’t be caught off guard when the day comes.

5. Assure Them It’s Not Their Fault

Many adults deal with guilt after a suicide death, so it’s not surprising that children will experience the same thing. However, with children, it’s even more important to assure them it’s not their fault. They are too young to understand the social and psychological factors that contribute to suicide.

Instead of understanding that their parent was dealing with depression, they will instead think, “If only I had picked up my toys,” “been less annoying,” “done what they asked me to do,” then they might still be here. A child may also deal with feelings of rejection, thinking they weren’t important enough to their parent. As sensitively as possible, assure the child it’s not their fault. Remind them that their parent was sick and that sickness has nothing to do with the child.

6. Get Back to Routine

After the death of a parent, a child’s everyday routine will change, no doubt. But you can create a similar routine that will become familiar and offer security. As they head back to school, make sure to let their teachers and counselors know what has happened, so they can support your child during school hours.

Include encouragement, hugs, and assurance in their daily routine. Your child needs to know that you aren’t going anywhere and will be there for them through the ups and downs.

7. Watch for Signs of Trauma

Some children experience more trauma than others after the suicide death of a parent. As you interact with the child, be on the lookout for certain warning signs:

Withdrawal from normal activities
Changes in eating or sleeping habits
Avoiding reminders of the person who has died
Participating in numbing activities (like too much TV, video games, etc.)
Anger or behavioral issues
Reduced academic performance

A child may exhibit some of these at the beginning of the grief journey, but if they don’t go away or they get worse, reach out to a professional for assistance.

8. Participate in Healing Actions and Remembrance Activities

Regardless of the person’s manner of death, the work of grief requires that we take time to remember and reflect. This may mean:

Creating a scrapbook or memory box
Drawing pictures
Preparing a favorite meal
Watching a favorite movie or going to a beloved place
Attending a remembrance service at the holidays

In addition to remembrance activities, a funeral service provides an opportunity for your child to say goodbye and express their grief. While funerals can feel uncomfortable, children learn valuable life lessons from them. In the end, the funeral plays a large role in the grief journey. Those who take time to honor a loved one’s memory can more easily move forward after a loss.

Of course, you should discuss the funeral with your child and see if they’d like to contribute. Some children will want to participate, and others won’t. That’s okay – let them make the decision.

9. Create a Sense of Wonder

While you can’t ignore the difficulties in life, you don’t have focus your family dynamic on them either. Nurture a sense of wonder, joy, hope, and creativity in your child. Discuss why life is beautiful and what good things are to come. Show them how to work through the big emotions.

As you pour into your child’s life, they will see the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, and realize that it’s normal for these things to occur. This type of worldview will help them face the challenges ahead with resilience and fortitude, making them strong, capable, and emotionally healthy adults.

10. Seek Professional Help, When Needed

Caring for a child after parent suicide is not easy. If the child in your life is experiencing significant challenges, seek out professional help. A grief counselor or mental health therapist can work directly with your child and give you customized tips to help them through this season of deep grief.

For a child to become a healthy adult, it’s important to address any lingering effects of the death. Only then will the child be able to move forward with confidence and free of self-blame or feelings of rejection.

On the journey ahead, some days will be especially hard. But you’re not alone. Rely on your close family and friends to help you. Reach out to the professionals when it’s beyond your own capabilities. With support, encouragement, and time, your child can do the work of grief and move forward to a bright and healthy future.

Additional Resources

Children, Teens, and Suicide Loss (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)
Talking to Children About a Suicide (Mental Health Commission of Canada)

Jun 15

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Older man and woman sitting on a couch, holding hands in a comforting way, focus on their hands

Help Your Family Heal After Loss

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Meaningful Funerals No Comments

One of the hardest experiences of one’s life is losing a loved one. Families can experience devastation, confusion, guilt, and regret after a loved one passes. The road to healing can be difficult to navigate if essential needs and feelings are not tended to appropriately.

Jun 13

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Heart-shaped funeral wreath of white flowers

Gifting Sympathy Flowers: A Practice that Goes Back Millennia

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, History of Funerals

If you’ve attended a funeral or memorial service, you’ve likely seen a cascade of beautiful sympathy flowers gracing the front of the chapel, church, or venue. Whether burial or cremation is chosen, flowers are arranged in a vibrant display of care, love, and support. But why do we give sympathy flowers? How long has humankind been taking part in this practice? Let’s take a deeper look.

A Practice that Goes Back Millennia

Every culture on the planet, going back as far as we can, records some form of funeral ritual. From the Ancient Greeks and Egyptians to the Neanderthals, every people group has found some way to honor their dead. With sympathy flowers, two archeological finds have given us insight into how flowers were used in millennia past.

Raqefet Cave

In 2013, a five-chambered grotto, now called Raqefet Cave, was found on the slopes of Mount Carmel in modern-day Israel. Dated to 14,000 years ago, researchers unearthed the final resting place of four individuals. Upon further study, the team discovered that the four had been buried on a literal bed of flowers. The flowers were pressed into a thin layer of mud coating the limestone floor, and they included Judean sage and members of the mint and figwort families. But there is evidence that goes back even further!

Shanidar Cave

First discovered in the 1950s, Shanidar Cave housed the remains of 10 people (identified as Neanderthals), who were found near clusters of flower pollen. At the time, the concept that flowers were left on the grave was dismissed. Researchers decided the pollen’s presence must be from modern contamination or from burrowing rodents and insects.

HOWEVER, in late 2019, excavators unearthed a new skeleton in the same area, dating to 70,000 years ago. This one was discovered in sediment that contained ancient pollen and other mineralized plant remains. As a result, the idea of flower burials so early in humankind’s history was revived! While testing is still underway, the research team expects confirmation of early flower burial practices.

But Why Do We Give Sympathy Flowers?

Historically, to cover unpleasant scents

Before embalming became common practice, flowers were used to cover up unpleasant smells. Mourners wanted to pay their respects, but without a way to slow decay, flowers were used to mask any odors. Former President Andrew Jackson provides a famous example. By the time his funeral was complete (thousands of people came), his casket didn’t smell good. The undertaker surrounded Jackson with flowers to alleviate the smell. Also, side note, someone (likely the undertaker) removed Jackson’s swearing pet parrot from the service for disturbing the proceedings – who knew?!

To show love, care, and support

Today, sympathy flowers show love to the deceased person and support to the grieving family. Just as we give flowers at anniversaries, weddings, graduations, and other special days, flowers universally represent our love, our care, and our deep-seated support.

To create a warm and vibrant atmosphere

For some of us, a funeral or memorial service would look incomplete without flowers. The casket or urn might look quite alone with no flowers or embellishments. For many funerals, sympathy flowers create a lovely canvas and show that people deeply care about the person who has died. When there are no flowers, people may unconsciously wonder why – sympathy flowers are that ingrained in our cultural understanding of funerals.

(NOTE: In some religions, flowers are taboo or not expected. If you aren’t sure whether flowers are appropriate, respectfully ask the family.)

To express feeling and sentiment

Traditionally, flowers have meaning and convey a message. By choosing specific flowers, you can send a special letter of love. For example, white lilies symbolize purity, sympathy, and restored innocence. Carnations are a popular choice. White carnations symbolize pure love and innocence; red carnations represent admiration and deep love; while pink carnations stand for eternal remembrance. To learn more about the meanings of flowers, go to 7 Popular Sympathy Flowers and Their Meanings.

What Kind of Floral Arrangement Should I Give?

If you choose to give sympathy flowers, you will likely not buy the casket spray (the arrangement that lies on top of the casket). The most common types of arrangements to gift are:

Standing sprays – a hand-designed arrangement of mixed flowers on a wire stand
Floor bouquet – an arrangement placed on the floor near the urn or casket
Funeral basket – a smaller arrangement that sits in a basket or large plastic container
Funeral wreath – a wreath of flowers placed on a standing easel
Funeral garland – a strand of flowers that can lay across a casket or encircle an urn

Arrangements come in all sizes, colors, and costs. Either the funeral home or your local florist can give you insight into your options. In fact, some funeral homes partner with local florists, allowing you to order an arrangement through the funeral home’s website. You can speak to the funeral home about this service or reach out to your go-to florist.

What if the Family Indicates a Charity “In Lieu of Flowers”?

If the deceased’s family has selected a charity in lieu of flowers, it’s your choice what you would like to do. Giving a sympathy gift is up to the discretion of the gift giver. If you prefer to give flowers rather than a donation, do so. If you would like to support the charitable organization, do so. Or, if you’d like to do both, that’s fine, too. Ultimately, the goal of a sympathy gift is to convey love, care, and support. We all do that in different ways – find the one that best communicates your personal feelings.

For more ideas on sympathy gifts, check out these resources:

10 Caring and Creative Sympathy Gifts

Sympathy Gifts You Can Mail

Sympathy Cards: What to Write & Examples

8 Simple Tips for Writing a Meaningful Condolence Letter

May 26

Love0

Depressed young man sitting on the bench in tunnel.

Grief and Father’s Day: Remembering Your Child

By Daniel Zepeda Grief/Loss

Father’s Day, like other holidays, can be a trying time for those grieving – especially for fathers who have lost a child. While losing a loved one is never easy, losing a child is one of the most painful challenges we can face in life. The pain of loss can consume all we do, making it feel impossible to find joy. That pain can also rob us of celebrating life’s happiest moments, like Father’s Day, as celebrations become just another reminder of what we have lost.

Whether this is your first Father’s Day following the loss of a child or if it’s been years since their passing, your grief may be overpowering your joy. You may be dreading the thought of celebrating Father’s Day. You may even wonder if you are allowed to celebrate Father’s Day if your loss was of your only child.

No matter how much pain you’re feeling, remember that you and your family are allowed to enjoy special days while grieving. The key is finding a balance between joy and grief.

So, this Father’s Day, lead your loved ones in celebrating the paternal figures in your life and the memory of your child. Remember the positive impact your child had on you, your spouse/partner, and your other children. Here are a few ideas to help get you started.

Honor Your Child’s Memory

Happy family of three persons walking the grass in the park.

Your child’s memory will be with you forever, but it can be hard to remember the good times when grief consumes all you do. Use Father’s Day as an opportunity to honor your child’s memory by taking part in their favorite activity. You can watch their favorite movie, eat their favorite meal, play their favorite game, or do something else they enjoyed. This intentional activity can help you feel closer to your child and make Father’s Day truly special for you and your family.

Tell Favorite Stories of Your Child

When we lose a loved one, the pain of loss can sometimes grip our ability to talk about them. That’s why sharing heartfelt stories of your loved one is important. Stories can help you acknowledge the reality of the loss and move you toward healthy grieving. The same is true if you’ve lost a child. Share stories of your child that make you laugh, smile, or even cry. But ultimately, share stories that make you proud to be their dad. Your child touched so many lives, so embrace their impact together as a family.

Support, love and couple holding hands in a therapy session while talking to a relationship therapist.

Sometimes it takes losing a loved one for us to understand the importance of saying ‘I love you.’ Whether you say it every day or typically keep your emotions to yourself, tell your family how much they mean to you this Father’s Day. Let your words speak life and support your family on their grief journey. Father’s Day is the perfect time to express how much your family means to you. You can even write notes or letters to your surviving children, letting them know how much you care.

Take Time to Reflect

Spending time with your family on Father’s Day is important, but you may need a few moments for yourself as you grieve the loss of your child. You’ll likely feel a mix of emotions, which is perfectly normal. So, take time to reflect on your loss without distractions. Write your thoughts in a journal. Visit your child’s grave. Speak to a trusted friend or mentor, if you don’t want to be alone. All these options can help you take account of your emotions on what may be a difficult day.

Make Father’s Day Special

Rear view of little girl holding paper card behind her back, greeting positive adult man with Father's Day.

Balancing joy and grief is one of the most difficult things we can do in times of loss. Yet, finding that balance is also one of the most important things we can do to heal. You may believe that it’s wrong for you to celebrate Father’s Day with your family, but finding happiness through your pain is key to healthy grieving. Enjoy the time you have with your family, go out for a nice dinner, and smile as you unwrap your Father’s Day gifts. Though grief never leaves us, it also shouldn’t stay at the forefront of our lives forever.

If you’ve experienced the horrible pain of losing a child, you know that holidays, like Father’s Day, can be difficult. But find peace in knowing that your grief is proof of your intense love for your child, and that love will never fade. Instead of fearing Father’s Day, use that special Sunday in June to remember all the joy your child brought you and your family. And don’t forget, your child will live forever in your memory, so you’ll never have to celebrate Father’s Day without them.