Grief/Loss Archives - Funeral Basics

Nov 15

Father sitting next to young daughter, offering comfort at a sad moment

10 Ways to Support a Grieving Child During the Holidays

By christy.kessler Christmas, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Grief can hit you hard any day of the year, but for many, the holidays are particularly difficult. The beloved traditions may not feel as joyful without the family member or friend who has passed away. While loss is difficult at any age, children experience it differently than adults. Because they are less able to identify their emotions and are still learning positive coping skills, grief can lead to outbursts of big emotions. So, as a caregiver, what can you do this holiday season to support the grieving child in your life?

1. Create Space for Their Emotions

Often, emotions are a bit paradoxical. You can feel joy and grief within moments of each other, which adults have learned how to manage. But for children, the tug between happiness and sadness may feel more extreme. To help them balance, create space for their emotions throughout the holidays.

Validate their feelings by listening and offering encouragement and comfort. Discuss how it’s okay to feel both happy and sad after losing someone. When a child is feeling out of sorts, invite them to draw a picture of a favorite memory or write down what they miss about the person. You could also encourage other healing actions, like taking flowers to the graveside, attending a remembrance service, or hanging a memorial ornament on the Christmas tree.

2. Encourage Open Dialogue and Connection

Children are still learning the social norms, so it’s not unusual for them to ask direct questions. Encourage this openness of communication. Read age-appropriate, grief-related books that will spark conversation. Ask open-ended questions like “What’s something you miss about [loved one’s name]?” Or sit down and play together while sharing memories.

If your child wants to talk about the death, talk about it. Children need to realize that death isn’t a taboo subject; it’s actually healthy to talk about what has happened because it helps them process difficult emotions. And don’t be afraid to show your own emotions during these conversations. By expressing your own sadness, you teach your child how to do the same.

3. Embrace Moments of Joy

Amidst the sadness, there are going to be times of joy during the holiday season. Take time to embrace those moments with your child. While grief is hard, it should not eclipse everything to the extent that there is no room for joy. And if you see that your child is having a hard time balancing their emotions and is slipping more into melancholy, create opportunities for joy.

You could watch a favorite holiday movie together or roast s’mores outside as the snow falls. Go shopping for presents together, decorate your home, or plan Christmas crafts that everyone will enjoy. Marvel over the neighborhood Christmas light displays or go ice skating at the local pond. And when grief inevitably hits, take time to acknowledge and feel it. Then, keep moving forward.

4. Take Time to Remember

One of the best tools you can utilize on the grief journey is the gift of memory. Though it may sound strange, looking back is the way forward. Respected grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt puts it this way, “In my experience, remembering the past is the very thing that eventually makes hoping for the future possible. Mourners’ lives will open to renewed hope, love and joy only to the extent that they first embrace the past.”

So, take time to remember this holiday season. Make a memory wreath or keepsake craft with your child. Bake the loved one’s favorite holiday treat or choose a special memorial ornament. Hang up the loved one’s stocking and fill it with notecards that share memories, prayers, or thoughts. Set an extra place at the dinner table or light a memorial candle in the window. There are so many things you can do to encourage remembrance and invite a loved one’s memory into your holiday season.

5. Maintain Routines with Added Flexibility

Kids thrive on routine, and familiarity can offer comfort and stability to a grieving child. While the holidays are often full of activities that aren’t the norm, you can adjust the family schedule if you or the kids are beginning to feel overwhelmed. As is appropriate, allow your child to decide which events they’d like to participate in, especially on days when they are experiencing particularly high emotions.

When you can, stick to bedtimes, chores, and other basic routines or expectations to keep a sense of stability and predictability in your family’s day. There will be moments when the routine is disrupted, and that’s okay. Just make sure that your child understands what to expect for the day, so they can prepare themselves for anything new or different.

6. Allow This Year to Be Different

As a caregiver, you may be tempted to make sure that absolutely nothing changes for your child’s holiday season following the loss of a loved one. While the idea comes from a good place, you don’t have to put that much pressure on yourself. It’s okay to allow this year to be different. Different isn’t bad; in many ways, it can be just what you need.

So, give yourself permission to talk with your child about skipping or modifying the regular traditions. Or start something new that requires less effort, like taking a memory walk or writing a holiday letter to your lost loved one. And for the activities you do participate in, let your child know it’s okay to take breaks when their emotions are running high.

7. Understand Developmental Perspectives

Children process grief differently based on their age, maturity, and understanding of death. Some kids may fluctuate between feelings of joy and happiness and feelings of sadness, frustration, and anger. As a caregiver, it’s important that you identify where your child is at developmentally, so you can meet them there and respond in an age-appropriate way.

Here are a few quick tips:

With young children, use simple, clear language and focus on reassuring them that they are loved and safe.
For school-age children, provide added space for questions and discussion.
With teens, be open and available for deeper conversations while also respecting their desire for privacy or independence.

For helpful information on developmental stages, check out this helpful resource from the Dougy Center, a national grief center for children and families.

8. Take Care of Yourself as Caregiver

In order to support a grieving child, you need to also take care of yourself. If too many holiday activities are causing you to be stressed and irritable, look at your calendar and decide what can go. If you’d prefer, choose low-key activities that won’t require as much mental or physical energy. And of course, make sure you are getting enough sleep and eating regular meals.

Also, pay attention to your own emotional state. Most likely, you are grieving too, and it can be tempting to set aside your own needs. However, as much as possible, take time to process your own feelings. You could journal, talk with friends, exercise, or get creative to express your grief. By addressing your own feelings, you ensure that you are more emotionally stable when dealing with your child’s grief.

9. Get Help from Your Support Network

Because the holidays are often busy, you may feel pulled in several directions. By asking your support network for help, you give yourself a little breathing room. And when there’s breathing room, there’s more space to actively engage with your child and pay attention to their needs.

In our culture that focuses on independence, it can be hard to ask for help. But oftentimes, people are just waiting for you to tell them how they can help. Call up your best friend or sibling to help bake cookies or take the kids to a movie. Ask a trusted neighbor if the kids can play at their house while you run a few errands. Schedule a babysitter so you can have a little time for yourself during the holiday hustle and bustle. You don’t have to do this alone because people want to help.

10. Look for Signs of Troubled Grief

And lastly, you can support a grieving child by looking for signs of troubled grief. Most children adjust to a loss and move forward, but sometimes, they may need an extra level of support. If your child is exhibiting the following behaviors, consider getting additional help.

Intense feelings of sadness, tiredness, or social withdrawal
Major changes in sleeping or eating habits that have a significant impact on daily life
Inability to talk about the death or appearing to be disconnected from reality
Expressing the desire to hurt themselves
Extreme separation distress or inability to separate from caregivers
Excessive preoccupation with the circumstances of the death
Reckless or risky behaviors, like using drugs, drunk driving, or stealing

Every child grieves differently, and there is no set timeline for grief. However, if any of these behaviors are present six months after the loss of a loved one and are impacting daily routines, consider having your child assessed by a mental health professional who is well-versed in the treatment of childhood grief.

Hopefully, these 10 suggestions will help you create a loving and memorable holiday season for your grieving child. Grief is a journey, not a task to complete. With your steady presence and loving support, your child can honor their loved one’s memory while discovering hope and meaning in the holidays—and beyond.

Nov 15

Love0

Woman in gray sweater holding wrapped gift

Giving Back During the Holiday Season

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Memorial

Losing a loved one can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, or disconnection, making you feel like you are all alone in your grief experience. That’s one reason why giving back can be so beneficial during times of grief and loss, especially around the holidays. Giving of your time, resources, or talents can break through the fog of grief and give you something positive to focus your energy on. For some, it can lead to championing change or finding an organization that brings you fulfillment and joy.

Woman in gray sweater holding wrapped gift

The holiday season can be particularly difficult following a death because your beloved traditions may not feel the same. Thankfully, it’s also a season full of opportunities to get involved, give back, and help those in need. Let’s talk about some national organizations you could get involved with this holiday season!

Toys for Tots

During the holiday season, many organizations focus on meeting the needs of children and bringing joy to their lives. Toys for Tots has been distributing gifts to children since 1947, and they are still going strong! While you may see Toys for Tots most often around Christmas, you can give to children throughout the year. To learn more about how you can get involved or to find your local chapter, visit their website here.

Operation Christmas Child

If you would like to bring joy to children around the world, consider whether Operation Christmas Child through Samaritan’s Purse would be a good fit for you. With their focus on spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ and caring for children worldwide, you can make a positive difference across the globe with minimal effort on your part. Whether you want to give gifts, pack boxes, or even volunteer with Samaritan’s Purse directly, you can learn more at the Operation Christmas Child website.

Angel Tree

A mission of the Salvation Army, the Angel Tree Program provides new clothing and toys to more than one million children in need every year. More than likely, you’ve seen Angel Trees in places of business in your community. Every tree is full of paper angels, and on each one, you will find a child’s name, their clothing sizes, and a few toy ideas. You can then purchase gifts with that specific child’s needs in mind. For more information about the Angel Tree Program and other Salvation Army programs, visit their website.

Make-A-Wish Foundation

The Make-A-Wish Foundation focuses on fulfilling the wishes of critically ill children and making their dreams come true. When you support this organization, you help grant wishes like going on special trips or meeting a beloved hero or role model. When a child is facing the difficulties of illness and continuous doctor visits, a little joy goes a long way. While the foundation grants wishes all year, the holiday season is a peak season. If you’d like to get involved, go to the Make-A-Wish website here.

St. Jude’s

A leading children’s hospital, St. Jude’s treats the toughest childhood cancers and pediatric diseases. Because families are already going through a tough time, St. Jude’s doesn’t bill them for treatment, travel, housing, or food. Instead, they believe no child should be denied treatment based on their family’s inability to pay. That’s why St. Jude’s fundraises every year, particularly around the holiday season. To help families experiencing medical hardship, visit St. Jude’s website and consider whether you want to support their mission.

Wreaths Across America

If you have a strong love and support for military members, consider getting involved with Wreaths Across America. This organization’s goal is to place a holiday wreath on the graves of as many military members as possible as an act of remembrance. Not only can you sponsor wreaths, but you can also volunteer to place wreaths on graves and personally honor the service and sacrifice of so many. To learn more, visit Wreaths Across America.

Operation Homefront

This caring organization focuses on meeting the short-term financial and physical needs of struggling military families. With many different programs, Operation Homefront seeks to meet needs across many fronts. From veteran housing to holiday meals to school supplies, more than 57,000 requests have been met and fulfilled. If veterans and military families are a passion for you, look over Operation Homefront’s website and decide if they are a good fit for you.

These are just a small sampling of the options that are available to you. So many worthy organizations could benefit from your time, your resources, and your talents. And don’t forget to look at your local options, too!

Support Local Organizations

In addition to these national-level organizations, you can also look into your local community for opportunities to give back and get involved. Here are a few ideas:

Donate funds or goods to your local food bank
Participate in a 5K that benefits a local charity or service
Support your local animal shelter by volunteering to care for the animals
Ask churches what ministries need help and jump in
Research the non-profits in your area to see if any align with your personal passions
Give blood at the local hospital and save lives
Volunteer at your local homeless shelter or halfway house
Talk with local hospitals or nursing homes for volunteer opportunities

And the list goes on! Your community is going to have unique options for getting involved and giving back. With a little research or asking around, you’ll find so many ways that you can make a positive difference.

Young person placing comforting hand on older person's hand, which is resting on a cane at Christmas

As you get involved, find ways to intentionally honor your lost loved one’s memory. Give a donation in their name. Volunteer at a charity that focuses on something they were passionate about. Or simply wear a T-shirt with their name on it. You may even have a chance to talk about your loved one and ensure that their memory lives on. No matter which organizations appeal to you, find a way to give back this holiday season. It can help you focus on the good and find a little joy in the midst of your grief.

For more resources on grieving during the holidays, check out these helpful articles:

Oct 15

Love0

Succulent plant next to two blocks that read "Build Resilience"

5 Ways Gratitude Builds Resilience After Loss

By christy.kessler Educational, Grief/Loss

Love brings great joy into our lives, and because of how deeply we love, it can also bring our greatest sadness. After losing a loved one, you may feel lost, adrift, and unsure how to face the future. Thankfully, there are real, practical habits you can use to help you heal. One of those habits is participating in daily gratitude. Research shows that gratitude can help you build resilience, and resilience after loss is essential to moving forward in a healthy and beneficial way.

What is Resilience?

Resilience is your ability to adapt to a stressful situation. Being resilient doesn’t mean you don’t experience pain; it means that you can adapt and cope with the ups and downs of life. Many psychologists believe resilience is comprised of several qualities, including honesty, humility, optimism, empathy, and patience. Each of these traits can help you combat stress, cope with adversity, and bounce back stronger.

How Does Gratitude Build Resilience?

Research shows that gratitude bolsters our emotional resilience by motivating us to focus on the positive things in life. By intentionally looking at the good things, many people find it easier to balance the difficult things. Grief can make you turn inward, and expressing gratitude forces you to get out of your head and focus on the positive happening around you.

Here are 5 ways gratitude builds resilience:

1. Encourages Positive Reframing

Small yellow blocks that show moving from sad to happy

Practicing gratitude is not about minimizing or ignoring the grief you feel. Instead, it’s about reframing your perspective. By taking time each day to identify something positive, you broaden your point of view. Yes, grief is hard, but good still exists. You have lost someone you love, which is devastating and life-altering, but what good things still exist to anchor you? Think about your family, your pets, your friends, your passions, your hobbies, or your volunteer projects. By taking the bad with the good, you can reframe your perspective and build your resilience.

2. Reduces Stress and Anxiety

Young woman in yellow beanie hat and sweater standing calming and peacefully

Grief can bring every kind of emotion – sadness, anger, regret, and even guilt. Each person experiences a loss differently, and sometimes, it can feel very negative. Naturally, difficult emotions aren’t easy, and they may spark feelings of stress and anxiety. But practicing gratitude can help! By taking time to appreciate the good things in your life, you can redirect your thoughts and create a greater sense of peace and calm. And of course, this more relaxed mindset will lead to less stress and anxiety.

3. Improves Mental Health

Mature woman looking serenely out the window of her home

Research shows that giving or receiving gratitude releases dopamine and serotonin, both of which are considered the brain’s “feel-good” chemicals. These positive feelings decrease stress, depression, and anxiety while increasing happiness, calm, and contentment. By practicing gratitude daily, you can strengthen your resilience and positively impact your mental health.

4. Promotes Physical Health

Man and woman exercising outside

For some people, grief brings negative thoughts and emotional turmoil, which, in turn, can affect sleep. By improving your mental health through practicing gratitude, you can improve your sleep. Plus, grateful people are more likely to engage in other positive behaviors, such as regular exercise, eating well, and attending regular medical check-ups. All of these elements come together to create higher resilience and a better you.

5. Enhances Social Connections

Friends sitting together in a home, talking and laughing together

Everyone needs to feel appreciated and seen. By spending time with friends and family and telling them what you appreciate about them, you create an extensive support network. While having people by your side is important in the happy times, it can be even more valuable in the difficult times. When you create positive relationships around you, people tend to reciprocate, creating a cycle of kindness and support. This support is essential to building resilience because you aren’t meant to do life alone. You need loving, supportive people around you.

How Do I Create a Gratitude Habit?

There are so many ways to implement consistent gratitude practices into your life. You can choose what best fits your personality and needs. It doesn’t have to be time-consuming or complicated. It simply needs to be effective, so try out a few ideas to see what works best for you.

Start a Gratitude Journal: With just a few minutes a day, you can start expressing gratitude. Write down three things you’re grateful for and make sure to write something different each day.
Write Gratitude Letters: If there are particular people you’d like to thank, sit down and write them a letter expressing your appreciation. This small act will boost your mood and make the recipient feel valued.
Use an App: There are a lot of great phone apps out there to encourage daily gratitude. Find one that looks good to you and get started right away!
Practice Mindful Gratitude: When you start to feel overwhelmed, take a moment to pause and take a deep breath. Focus on something or someone you’re grateful for. This practice will help you calm your thoughts and bring you back to the present.
Add Gratitude to Your Conversations: Another option is to intentionally add gratitude to your conversations with other people. Whether it’s a family member, coworker, or even a total stranger, telling someone you’re grateful for even the smallest act can strengthen relationships and spread positivity.
Take Gratitude Walks: Being out in nature has a calming and clarifying effect. A few times a week (or more often, if you prefer), go outside to enjoy the sky, the season, and the life around you. As you go, make note of the things you’re grateful for.

Don’t Forget to Pay Attention to Your Own Needs

The more you practice gratitude, the easier it will become. Think about what makes you happy. What nice thing have you done for someone today? And what nice thing has someone done for you? As you cultivate an attitude of gratitude, your resilience will increase. While the difficult will still be difficult, you will have the ability to counteract it with the positive. And that is the definition of resilience.

If you continue to struggle with loss, depression, guilt, heartbreak, or another consuming emotion, don’t be discouraged. Consider speaking with a grief counselor or a mental health professional. While practicing gratitude is incredibly impactful, you may need to pair it with other coping mechanisms. Pay attention to yourself and your needs. Get additional help. In time, your resilience will grow, and your grief will become less sharp. You will always miss the person you’ve lost, but it is possible to see your life transform into something different that’s still good.

Sep 10

Love0

Four children sitting at a table working on fall crafts

10 Fall Remembrance Crafts for Grieving Kids

By christy.kessler Children, Grief/Loss

When grief comes, it touches every member of the family, children included. And in some ways, children may have a harder time because they haven’t yet learned how to identify their emotions accurately. That’s why they need caring adults around to help them grieve and work through their emotions. If there’s a grieving child in your life this fall, consider using these remembrance crafts to help them talk through their feelings.

1. Memory Box

First, you might consider putting together a memory box. The child can interact with the items regularly and keep the person’s memory alive. You could include clothing, jewelry, photos, or cherished items like a favorite trinket or even a blanket or stuffed animal.

Also, ask the child if there’s anything they’d like to include in the box. They may associate special memories with a certain item that will bring them comfort in the days ahead. And if you’d like to add a creative element, decorate the outside of the box with fall leaves, pumpkins, or other décor that adds a personal touch.

2. Memory Mailbox

With this craft, you create an opportunity for a grieving child to share feelings, ask questions, and write down memories. Get a cardboard box, cereal box, or some other box-type item and decorate the outside. You can use a fall theme (like this turkey box), or you can decorate however you choose.

Once the box is ready, encourage the child to write down questions or their feelings on pieces of paper. It could be as simple as “I miss Gigi” or “Where did Mommy go?” They could also write down their favorite memories or draw pictures. Then, as new pieces of paper are added to the mailbox, choose a time to talk together about these feelings and questions. This practice will give you an opportunity to talk, hear your child’s concerns, and care for their emotions. You could chat every day or once a week – whatever works best for your family.

3. Gratitude Pumpkin

While it may be difficult at first, focusing on gratitude after a loss can help you grieve. The practice of gratitude takes your eyes off the pain and helps you see the good in life. To help a child build resilience after loss, help them look for the good with a gratitude pumpkin.

Either cut out a large pumpkin or many small pumpkins. Then, encourage the child to write down things they are grateful for or miss about the person who has died directly on the pumpkin. If you make many small pumpkins, your child could write a single thought on each one. On the other hand, if you opt for a large pumpkin, they can write many different ideas on it. Either option will work well; simply choose the one you prefer. This intentional gratitude activity will help the child process what they’re feeling while also learning coping tips for how to deal with grief in the future.

4. The Grieving Tree

With this meaningful activity, your child can identify the things they have lost when a loved one died and the things that are still growing. On each leaf-laden branch of the grieving tree, you write seven things that are still growing despite the loved one’s passing. For example, “I trust in your love for me.” And on the ground next to the tree, list five things that have been lost, such as “hugging you” or “singing together.”

With this practice, both you and your child can sit in the loss for a time. While it’s hard to simply be still in the pain, it’s necessary for the healing process. By naming what is still growing and what is lost, you can take thoughts or feelings that seem ever-present and put them into words. For a full list of materials you’ll need, click here.

5. Bracelet or Necklace

Kids often love to create bracelets or necklaces with multi-colored beads. Take that natural interest and turn it into a remembrance craft.

The first step is to get string (or elastic) and a lot of beads. You could get many different colors, sparkling or matte, standard circular or specific shapes like pumpkins, flowers, or hearts. Also, get beads with letters on them. That way, when the grieving child creates the piece of jewelry, they can include the lost loved one’s name or a special message.

Once it’s complete, let the child wear the jewelry as often as they want. Some children may choose to wear it often, while others may place the bracelet/necklace on a favorite stuffed animal or even put it in a memory box.

6. Pumpkin Stress Ball

Some kids are more prone to stress and anxiety than others, especially following a significant loss. They may feel like their ordered world is turned upside down or afraid that something may happen to the other people in their life.

If you have a stressed child in your home, consider creating a pumpkin stress ball. Get some orange balloons and fill them with rice. Once you tie off the balloon, use a black Sharpie to draw silly Jack O’Lantern faces on it. Then, when the child is feeling stressed or anxious, they can give the balloon a squeeze.

7. Photo Frame

Another craft you can introduce is decorating a photo frame. Buy an unadorned frame, pull out the glue gun, and sit down with the grieving child to create a lovely home for a favorite photo. You could use artificial flowers or leaves, buttons, beads, or whatever you want. Depending on the child’s age, it might be best for the adult to handle the glue gun, but under the child’s creative direction, of course.

Once the frame is complete, add a photo and place the frame in a place where the child can see and interact with it regularly. The creative action of decorating the frame is healing but having the photo nearby will keep the process going.

8. Drawing

Perhaps the simplest craft is to allow kids to draw whatever is on their minds. All you have to do is provide all the appropriate materials: construction paper, white paper, pens, pencils, markers, etc. Then, give the grieving child a prompt, like “Let’s draw a picture of your favorite thing about Grandpa.” After that, the child’s creativity will take over.

You can join the child and make your own picture, talking together and each sharing special memories. Speaking about the person who has died will help the child understand that it’s okay to talk about the person (it’s not taboo), and it will give you an opportunity to share your own memories and grief. Children learn by example, so seeing you talk about your feelings will teach them to talk about theirs.

9. Flower Bouquet

Another craft to consider is creating a flower bouquet. You can go to the store to purchase artificial flowers and then work with the child to create a unique arrangement. Once the bouquet is complete, go to the graveside together and leave the flowers at your loved one’s final resting place.

Also, you can create a floral arrangement for every season. For fall, you might choose to focus on poinsettias, black-eyed susans, or other flowers that are in shades of yellow, orange, or cream that align with the season. You can even add a few tiny pumpkins or Halloween embellishments. Let the grieving child use their imagination to create something beautiful.

10. Journal

And lastly, for some children, expression through words is powerful. By creating a journal, you can bring together two kinds of creative expression: art and words. Encourage the child to write or draw in it as often they want. And if they need a new journal at some point, you can make another one together.

You can make this craft as simple or complex as you wish. For something simple, pull out two sturdy pieces of paper (construction paper or cardstock possibly) to act as the front and back cover. You could use orange paper for a fall twist! Ask the child to decorate both pages with pens, markers, paints – whatever they want. Then, get a stack of wide-ruled paper to act as the interior pages. Staple is all together, and voila! You have a homemade journal.

Many of these crafts can be used any time of year, but with a few tiny adjustments, you can tailor them to fit the season you’re in. With fall, steer toward yellows and oranges or pumpkins and corn. But no matter when you choose to implement these craft ideas, they can be an outlet that brings hope, healing, and remembrance.

Jun 03

Love0

Woman wearing black clothing holding bouquet of white chrysanthemums

Funeral Flowers Around the World

By christy.kessler Educational, Grief/Loss, Memorial

For millennia, flowers have been a universal representation of love, life, and loss. In many cultures, funeral flowers carry deep-rooted and cherished significance. They create a soothing atmosphere, evoke positive emotions, create connections, and convey messages of love and support. Today, let’s discuss several prominent funeral flowers around the world and why they may be more culturally significant in one area of the world than another.

White lily on black background

White Lilies

In many cultures, the white lily is commonly used for funerals. These trumpet-shaped blooms represent purity, innocence, peace, and the resurrection of the soul. Because of their close association with the soul, white lilies are often seen at religious ceremonies and other commemorative events in Western, Latin American, and Asian cultures. A traditional choice for funerals since ancient times, the lily is fitting for a time of reflection and mourning.

Bouquet of red roses with glimpse of green stems

Roses

Roses are practically synonymous with profound love. In Latin American and Western cultures, any color rose can be offered as a remembrance after a loved one’s death, though red and white are perhaps the most common. However, in some Asian cultures, the color red represents celebration and happiness, and because of that, red roses are inappropriate for a funeral. They use white instead for its connection to purity and reverence.

Marigolds in clay vase against wooden wall

Marigold (Cempoalxochitl)

Perhaps most well-known for its use during Dia de Los Muertos in Mexico, the marigold is considered the “flower of the dead.” Its color and fragrance are thought to guide the souls of the deceased back to the world of the living, where family and friends leave offerings to pay their respects. The bright, cheery color celebrates life instead of focusing on the bitterness of death. Additionally, the marigold is essential to Hindu funerals because it symbolizes the cycle of life and death, guiding the soul to its next incarnation.

Woman wearing black clothing holding bouquet of white chrysanthemums

Chrysanthemum

In many Asian cultures, the lovely chrysanthemum is closely associated with death and funerals. These delicate plants convey grief, lamentation, respect for the deceased, and condolence for the family. White and yellow are considered the most suitable colors. The chrysanthemum may also be used in Western culture funerals, though there’s less emphasis on specific colors. Instead, you can include chrysanthemums of any shade at a loved one’s final tribute.

Jasmine

While flowers are used more sparingly in Middle Eastern funerals, jasmine and white lilies are often considered acceptable choices. Jasmine is associated with death, remembrance, spiritual realms, and the afterlife. Some families may use the strong, sweet fragrance to scent their homes. Other families will leave the flowers at the grave to offer respect to the departed. Middle Eastern cultures often focus more on spiritual connection through prayers, but there is still room for personal expression through floral arrangements.

Lei

Hawaii is well-known for its use of the lei for many occasions. One of these occasions is the funeral, where the lei is used to express condolences and respect for the deceased and their family. In Hawaii, the lei represents love, respect, and the circle of life and may be worn by guests, draped over photos or the casket/urn, or set out to decorate the funeral service area. In some cases, the lei may be thrown out into the ocean, symbolizing the release of a loved one’s spirit. Various types of leis can be used, including maile, ti leaf, and orchid leis.

King Protea

The national flower of South Africa, the King Protea symbolizes strength, resilience, and the enduring nature of life. The flower’s ability to survive harsh conditions created a cultural connection to overcoming adversity and embracing the future. Because of its deep roots in South African culture, the artichoke-like flower is often used at funerals. It gives mourners a way to express their love and care for a lost loved one in a way that is uniquely suited to South African traditions.

Flowers are used all over the world to convey sympathy, respect, and remembrance. If you are selecting flowers for a culture that is not your own, consider asking which flowers would be appropriate. For example, flowers are not part of the Jewish funeral tradition. Because of that, they wouldn’t be the best choice for paying respects and supporting the grieving family. When in doubt, ask someone who knows, like a family member, friend, or even the funeral director.

If you’d like to learn more about funeral flowers, check out 7 Popular Sympathy Flowers and Their Meanings and Gifting Sympathy Flowers: A Practice that Goes Back Millennia.

May 23

Love0

5 Ways to Support a Grieving Dad on Father’s Day

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Helping a Friend in Grief, Seasonal

While every day after the loss of a loved one can be hard, it’s the special days and holidays that present a unique struggle. For dads who have lost a child, Father’s Day can be especially difficult. While men are stereotypically and societally encouraged to bottle their emotions and “be strong,” this attitude really isn’t helpful in life or on the grief journey. In fact, it can be detrimental. So, even if a grieving dad seems okay, grief can surge on a day centered around parent-child relationships, and many dads may struggle with expressing themselves or allowing their grief to be seen.

If you know a dad who has experienced child loss, here are a few ways you can support him on Father’s Day:

1. Encourage him to express himself

Man walking alone outside on a paved walkway with trees and green grass

Sometimes, getting a man to talk about his feelings is difficult. The stiff-upper-lip, “men don’t cry” mentality has so deeply permeated their sense of self that it feels awkward and uncomfortable to share what they are thinking and feeling. Despite that, encourage grieving dads to express what’s on their mind and heart.

If they can’t speak it out loud to another person, maybe they can write it down on paper, visit the child’s final resting place, or take a walk alone and speak aloud to themselves or to God. Getting those emotions – both positive and negative – outside of self is a necessary and helpful part of the grieving process.

2. Invite him out for a break

Three men out to dinner on Father's Day

Some dads may throw themselves back into work and routine as a means of moving forward after the loss of a child. This action not only keeps them busy, but it may also provide a way to avoid facing the grief they feel. While routine is good and financially taking care of your living family members is necessary, it’s not a replacement for doing the work of grief.

If you are close to a grieving dad, encourage him to take a break. He’s probably been running himself ragged, trying to keep his personal, professional, and emotional lives in balance. Invite him out for a round of pool, trivia night, dinner and a movie, or whatever suits his interests. Finding something positive to do on Father’s Day may add a little sunshine to an otherwise difficult day.

(Note: You could invite him out the day before or after Father’s Day if he’d prefer to spend the actual day with his family.)

3. Acknowledge that he’s a dad

Three generations of a family; grandfather, father, uncle, and son; Father's Day

If a dad has lost his only child or the baby died before birth or soon after, he is still a dad! He still loves his child, his fatherly role is still part of his identity, and his child’s memory lives on. Acknowledging that he was a great dad and his child’s life mattered can be a huge encouragement.

When you talk to him, whether in person, over the phone, or through text, don’t avoid mentioning Father’s Day, his child, or his life as a dad. By remembering him and his identity as a father, you can show him that you care and that he and his child are not forgotten.

4. Provide practical support

Two men working on a lawn mower; friend offering practical help

While sympathy flowers and other gifts are nice, sometimes what grieving people really need is practical support. Many dads may feel the need to immediately take on their usual household tasks and even add extra things to the to-do list, which may leave them feeling overwhelmed.

By offering practical help, you can alleviate some of that burden. Every family divvies up chores and responsibilities differently, but here are a few examples. Does the lawn need to be mowed and the bushes trimmed? Offer to do one while he does the other. Does the garage need to be organized or the car’s oil changed? Suggest that you take a couple of these responsibilities off his plate to allow him time to spend with his family or to simply rest. No matter how small it may seem, this practical support can make a big difference.

5. Call, text, or send a card

Man talking on phone to a grieving friend; wife sitting on couch in background

Another way to support your grieving friend is to call him, text him, or send him a thoughtful Father’s Day card. These options are especially helpful if you can’t be with him in person or if he wishes to spend the day alone or only with family. You can share stories or memories of his child, mention the child by name, ask how he’s doing, and let him know that you’re thinking of him. Most importantly, avoid cliches and platitudes that do more harm than good.

If you send a text, consider adding “No need to respond” to your message. Texts come with a lot of pressure for a quick response, and this small addition takes the pressure off and allows him to respond if he’s up to it. He’ll still know you’re thinking of him on what is likely a difficult day.

No matter what you decide to do to support your grieving friend, listen to his needs and respect them. He may accept what you’re offering, and he may not. Don’t take it personally. Even if he just wants to be alone on Father’s Day, knowing you cared enough to check on him will bring comfort and make him feel seen.

May 01

Love0

bouquet of flowers with a Mother's Day card sticking out of the top

How to Support a Grieving Mom on Mother’s Day

By Courtney Cook Grief/Loss, Helping a Friend in Grief, Seasonal

After the loss of a loved one, special days and holidays present a unique struggle for the grieving. For mothers who have lost a child, Mother’s Day can be especially difficult. Grief can surge on a day centered around parent-child relationships, and many moms also struggle with feeling unseen or forgotten after the loss of their child.

If you know a mom who has experienced child loss, here are a few ways you can support her on Mother’s Day:

Talk to her ahead of time

One of the best ways for someone to cope with a potentially triggering holiday is to make a plan beforehand. Some moms may want to ignore the day, while others may want to use it to honor their child’s memory.

If you are a close friend or family member, talk to the grieving mom about her feelings. Ask what she would prefer to do on Mother’s Day and how you can help. Listen to her needs, and if she’s unsure what she wants, come up with a few ideas and get her thoughts on them.

Acknowledge that she’s a mom

women comforting each other

If a mother has lost her only child or lost her baby before birth, she is still a mom! She still loves her child, her role as a mom is still part of her identity, and her child’s memory lives on. Simply acknowledging that she is a mom and that her child’s life mattered can be a huge encouragement.

When you talk to her, whether in person, over the phone, or through text, don’t avoid mentioning Mother’s Day, her child, or her life as a mom. Simply emphasize that she is a mom and always will be and that you’re thinking of her. If you’re unsure what to say, click here to see what grieving moms have said was most encouraging to them.

Don’t avoid talking about her child

Two friends sitting on a couch drinking coffee and talking

Many people avoid talking about a bereaved mother’s child, afraid of bringing their grief to the surface or hurting them. But for many grieving mothers, hearing others talk about their child reminds them of the positive impact their child made and keeps the child’s memory alive.

As you speak with your grieving friend on Mother’s Day, take your cues from her. If the grief is still very fresh, she may not wish to talk about her child. But allow her to talk about her child if she wishes, and don’t feel uncomfortable as she shares. You can also mention her child by name and share a favorite memory, letting her know she’s not the only one who still cares about and remembers her baby.

Provide practical support

person vacuuming a rug

While flowers and other gifts are nice, sometimes what grieving people really need is practical support. Many moms take on household chores like cleaning and cooking, and those extra tasks can leave them feeling overwhelmed when they’re grieving.

By offering practical help, you can take one thing off her mind. You could take care of her least favorite chores, provide meals, pick up groceries, or mow the lawn. If she has other children, offer to watch them so she can spend time taking care of herself. You could also consider asking if there are any big projects she’s been putting off that you can help with. No matter how small it may seem, this practical support can make a big difference.

Spend quality time with her

Three women at a spa holding cucumbers over their eyes

On a day like Mother’s Day, it can be easy for a grieving mom to feel lonely or isolated, but quality time with someone who cares can provide comfort. Invite her out to brunch. Set up a spa day with her and some of her best friends. Go on a hike in her favorite place. Spend time with her doing her favorite things and encourage her to take care of herself.

As you spend time with her, let her know that you’re willing to talk as little or as much as she wants about her loss. Give her space to express her emotions. If she wants to talk about her child, swap stories and memories or listen with compassion and empathy. If she wants a distraction instead, talk about other things. Just remember to put her and her needs first and be respectful of her wishes.

Call, text, or send a card

bouquet of flowers with a Mother's Day card sticking out of the top

Another way to support your grieving friend if you cannot be with her or she wishes to be by herself is to call her, text her, or send her a thoughtful Mother’s Day card. You can share stories or memories of her child, mention them by name, ask how she’s doing, and let her know that you’re thinking of her. Most importantly, avoid cliches and platitudes that do more harm than good.

If you send a text, consider adding “No need to respond” to your message. Texts come with a lot of pressure for a quick response, and this small addition takes the pressure off her and allows her to respond if she’s up to it. She’ll still know you’re thinking of her on what is likely a difficult day.

Above all, listen to the grieving mother’s needs and respect them. Even if she wants to be alone on Mother’s Day, knowing you cared enough to check on her will bring comfort. Let her know you are thinking of her, and continue to support her as she continues her grief journey.

Apr 20

Love0

Two people clasping hands in comfort and grief

Grieving the “Firsts” After a Loss

By christy.kessler AfterCare, Grief/Loss

The first year without a loved one can be very difficult, especially as precious milestones approach. The first Valentine’s Day without them. First birthday. Christmas. The anniversary of their passing. Each of these “firsts” will be difficult in its own way.

Two people clasping hands in comfort and grief

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a noted grief counselor, author, and educator, affirms that our grief journeys are as unique as we are. “In life, everyone grieves. But their grief journeys are never the same. Despite what you may hear, you will do the work of mourning in your own special way. Be careful about comparing your experience with that of other people. Also, do not adopt assumptions about how long your grief should last. Just consider taking a ‘one-day-at-a-time’ approach. Doing so allows you to mourn at your own pace.”

If you are facing the “firsts” after the loss of a loved one, here are a few ideas to help you navigate through the emotional days ahead.

1. Plan ahead if you can.

As a special day or milestone approaches, consider what you will need to get through the day. Plan ahead and decide if you need to take the day off to rest and reflect. You may also wish to do something special or meaningful to honor your loved one’s memory. Or you may want to go to a special place or gather with certain people on that day. A little advance planning can make the day more peaceful and contemplative.

2. Find a way to celebrate and remember your lost loved one.

The hardest part about a day that is special to you is if no one else seems to remember. No matter what the particular day may be, if it’s significant to you and your lost loved one, do something to remember, to celebrate, to commemorate, to honor.

Take flowers to the gravesite, look through old photos and videos, light a candle, or write a letter. At Thanksgiving or Christmas, you can serve their favorite dish and start calling it by their name – Nana’s mashed potatoes or Joe’s green bean casserole. You can also sing your loved one’s favorite Christmas carols or put a remembrance ornament on your tree. All of these are simple ways to express your grief outwardly. The outward expression of grief will help bring peace and healing on a difficult day.

3. Reinvent the day and bring hope to a day of sadness.

Another option is to reinvent the days that bring you pain. For example, on the anniversary of your loved one’s death, do something that would have delighted them. If they loved to fish, maybe you and your family could spend a day at the lake, taking time to share cherished stories. On your first Valentine’s Day without your loved one, you might treat yourself to a dinner out or eat a meal with others who have lost a significant other.

This same principle can be applied to any special day. Look for ways to reinvent the day and make it something new, something meaningful and healing, something intentional and beautiful. Changing routines and focusing on what brings you joy and peace, even temporarily, can help you get through a difficult day or season.

4. Give back to meaningful causes.

As part of their grief journey, some people choose to run a fundraiser via social media supporting a cause that helped their loved one, such as the Alzheimer’s Association, the American Cancer Society, nonprofit hospitals, or other significant causes.

If your loved one adored animals, you may decide to give a donation in their name to a local rescue. Another idea would be to volunteer your time at a non-profit that cares for animals. If they valued children, give back to local or international programs that focus on assisting kids. You may even sign up for a race or a walk that raises funds for a special cause.

Some people become so passionate about a cause after losing a loved one that they establish their own non-profit organizations in memory of the person who died. Whatever you decide to do, giving back is one way you can pay it forward to others and carry on your loved one’s legacy. Though your loved one is gone, their legacy lives on through you.

Healing Traditions Bring Hope and Reconciliation

The possibilities for honoring a loved one on a special day are virtually endless. It all depends on what speaks to you. What makes you feel close to the one you have lost? What were their favorite things? Once you discover what comforts your heart, do it year after year, until it’s either a beloved tradition or you feel that you can stop. As Dr. Wolfelt assures us, each grief journey is different. No two are the same. Do what works for you and brings you peace.

In truth, we never really get over our grief; we become reconciled to it. We find a new way to live because the old way is gone forever. As Dr. Wolfelt puts it, “You will find that as you achieve reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief will give rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person you have given love to and received love from will never be forgotten. The unfolding of this journey is not intended to create a return to an ‘old normal’ but the discovery of a ‘new normal.’”

In time, you will find your “new normal.” But for now, grieve. Cry. Remember. And eventually, if you allow it, reconciliation will come. May you find the peace and reconciliation you are seeking.

Nov 19

Love0

8 Christmas Keepsake Crafts to Honor a Loved One’s Memory

By christy.kessler Christmas, Grief/Loss

Person holding homemade heart plush in hands

During the holidays, feelings of grief may feel even closer to the surface. Even if it’s been years since the death occurred, the family togetherness of the holidays can bring out fresh emotions. And that’s okay. It’s completely normal to feel this way and to miss someone who’s no longer here.

To help you turn your grief into healing action, consider creating a keepsake craft that will honor your loved one’s memory and bring a little comfort to your own heart. And when appropriate, don’t be afraid to invite the kids or grandkids into the process!

8 Christmas Keepsake Crafts to Honor a Loved One’s Memory

Some of these crafts are harder than others, so either choose one that fits your craft level or be prepared to learn a new skill. You can do it!

1. Commemorative Candle

Making commemorative candle at home with special scents and added lavender

With commemorative candles, you could purchase a candle in your loved one’s favorite scent or color. To personalize it a bit more, you could write their name on the candle with glitter pens or gemstones. Alternatively, you could get a white candle and create a candle wreath of their favorite flowers or make your own candle with special scents and add-ins. Or, if you just don’t trust your crafting abilities, you could go online to Etsy or a similar site and choose a memorial candle there.

2. Memorial Ornament

Making fabric Christmas ornaments from felt

If you’d rather create a memorial ornament for the tree, there are so many websites out there with instructions on how to create the perfect one – with levels from beginner to advanced. You could get a picture frame ornament and have your loved one’s name engraved on it. If they particularly loved reindeer or elves, you could put together an ornament based on these themes. You could also create a quilted ornament using fabrics with meaningful imagery. The possibilities are vast; all you have to do is select the one that appeals to you personally.

3. Decorative Wreath

Woman decorating wreath at home with ribbon

For those who love beautiful wreaths, creating a memorial wreath may be a good option. You could display it in your home or place it at a loved one’s final resting place. The design is entirely up to you, but you could use seasonal flowers, photos, miniature items to represent your loved one’s favorite things, or even add a few of their preferred Christmas candies. Alternatively, you could create an ornament wreath, using their favorite ornaments to fill in the wreath. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to personalizing the wreath. Here’s a tutorial to get you started.

4. Christmas Stocking

Three red and white Christmas stockings hanging from a mantel

Christmas stockings are a staple in many homes during the holiday season, and they are usually displayed in a prominent place in the home. If you’d like to keep your loved one’s memory near the forefront, you might consider sewing a memorial stocking. You can personalize the design and add their name to it. Then, when it’s placed with the other stockings, you will have a comforting, visual reminder of the person you love. You can even encourage family members to write down memories and slip them into the stocking over the holiday season.

5. Personalized Pillow Cover

Red and white pillow sitting gifts and a Christmas display

Even though they may not seem like it, pillow covers are easier to make than you might think. The biggest question is – what fabric will you use? And do you want it to say anything? You could have your loved one’s picture printed on fabric to use on the pillow. Or you could monogram a quote from their favorite Christmas movie. To make it even more personal, you could use articles of your loved one’s clothing to design the pillow cover. All of these options will create a sweet keepsake you can cherish for Christmases to come.

6. Memory Chain Garland

Person making a garland with Christmas trees and stars

Perhaps the easiest craft option on the list is to create a memory garland to lay on your mantle or wrap around a staircase or doorway. All you need is paper, scissors, tape/stapler, possibly string, and a few people to help. As you put together each piece of the paper chain, write down special memories of your loved one or things about them that you are missing this holiday season. As you talk together and reminisce, you may find that the ache in your heart lessens as you take time to share special moments and remember your loved one’s life.

7. Memory Table Runner

Four Christmas table runners sitting on table with ornaments

Do you enjoy decorating with table runners? Then this keepsake craft may work well for you. The design portion is entirely up to you. Maybe you want to keep the holiday theme but add some fabric photos of your loved one on Christmases past. Or you could add other personalized elements, like a border in their favorite color. Remember to draw out your design first, so you get a visual of what it will look like. And if you’d like to include the family in the final product, leave space for people to write down favorite Christmas memories with fabric pens.

8. Memorial Stuffed Animals

Knit white bear with red scarf and pulling sled with Christmas tree

If there are children or grandchildren in your life, you could sew or knit memorial stuffed animals as a gift. You can include a small tag on the animal with a special message from the person who has died, like “I love you” or “I miss your hugs.” You could also use a lost loved one’s clothing or leftover yarn as the chosen fabric for memorial animals. In this way, there is an added element of personalization to the gift. When the child is really missing your loved one, they can squeeze the animal and find comfort. And as they grow older, it will continue to be a cherished reminder of both you and the person who has died.

If none of these Christmas keepsake craft ideas appeal to you, not to worry! This list is far from comprehensive. Just do a quick search online, and you will find a treasure trove of options to consider. But no matter what craft idea you decide to go with, may creating something to honor your loved one’s memory soothe your heart and comfort your soul this holiday season.

Nov 19

Love0

Lit red candle sitting in window in remembrance of a loved one

12 Days of Christmas Remembrance Activities

By christy.kessler Christmas, Grief/Loss

While traditionally the 12 Days of Christmas start on December 25 and end on January 5 (the day before Epiphany), the timeframe has been culturally adapted over the years to occur earlier in the month or even later into January. So, for the purposes of this Christmas remembrance activities list, whatever 12 days you want to consider your 12 Days of Christmas is up to you.

Bearded grandfather sitting with grandkids, looking at pictures and telling stories

The point of this exercise is to give you an easy list of remembrance activities that you can use to honor and remember a loved one this holiday season. It’s okay to miss them, and it’s good to find a way to keep their memory alive for remaining family and friends. Acts of remembrance bring comfort, healing, and a closeness you may be seeking at Christmas. So, here’s a 12 Days of Christmas Remembrance Activities list you could use with your family this season.

1st Day of Christmas: Put Up a Memory Stocking

Three knit stockings hanging on the mantel with wreath garland

On the first day of Christmas, consider putting up a memory stocking. Either put up the stocking your loved one always used or a special one. Throughout the holiday season, your family can write down memories or thoughts or draw pictures and place them in the stocking. Then, perhaps near the end of your 12 days, you can all sit down together, read the notes, and remember your loved one together.

2nd Day of Christmas: Light a Candle

Lit red candle sitting in window in remembrance of a loved one

For a long time, candles have been a symbol of remembrance. Keeping the light burning throughout the holiday season signifies that the memory of a loved one still shines bright. You could select a special candle and light it each day. Alternatively, especially if you have kids in the house, you could purchase an electric candle that you can leave lit all the time. Either way, each time you see the candle, you’ll be reminded of your loved one and the special place they have in your heart.

3rd Day of Christmas: Bake Your Loved One’s Holiday Favorites

Father baking Christmas cookies with his two young daughters, happy and having fun

Christmas comes with the comfort of so many delicious and familiar smells wafting from the kitchen. To bring your loved one’s memory into the festivities, consider adding their favorite foods and desserts to your menu. Whether it’s the family-famous cinnamon shortbread cookies or the green bean casserole with extra onions, it will feel good to include their favorites in the holiday preparations. And if you cry a little bit, that’s okay. It’s good to find positive ways to balance grief and joy during the holiday season.

4th Day of Christmas: Watch Your Loved One’s Favorite Christmas Movie

Mother sitting on couch, watching a Christmas movie with her young children

Watching Christmas movies is a time-honored tradition for so many families. There’s something oddly comforting about the tradition of bringing out the movie favorites each year. If this is true for your family, consider setting aside an evening to watch your loved one’s preferred Christmas movie. Make an evening of it, complete with popcorn, snacks, and a cozy blanket to snuggle up under. You could even bring out a photo of your loved one, so they can “watch” the movie with you.

5th Day of Christmas: Attend a Remembrance Service

Three white remembrance candles against the backdrop of a church's stained glass window

It’s fairly common for churches and funeral homes to host remembrance events around the holidays. They are very much aware of the need to remember those loved and lost. Because of that, you should be able to find a remembrance event happening in your town or a neighboring one. If you’d like to attend, consider taking the whole family or inviting close friends. There’s something comforting about sharing a loved one’s memory with others. And if there are no remembrance events in your town, invite people over to your home for a remembrance dinner instead!

6th Day of Christmas: Create a Remembrance Ornament

Red, cross-stitched heart ornament

A remembrance ornament is a great way to honor a loved one’s life. You can pull it out each year as a continual reminder of the love shared between you. If you like to keep it simple, choose an ornament at the store that reminds you of that special person. Alternatively, you could use papier-mâché, wood, fabric, or other materials to create your own. You could also use buttons, glitter, beads, sand, seashells, rocks, or seeds to create a unique design. The possibilities are numerous.

7th Day of Christmas: Listen to Your Loved One’s Christmas Playlist

Family dancing to Christmas playlist, enjoying time together

Music is a big part of the holidays. From the classics like “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” to more contemporary options like Kelly Clarkson’s “Underneath the Tree,” there are so many melodies that may bring back memories. To honor your loved one’s memory, put together a short playlist of their favorites and blast it around the house. Not only will the music touch your heart, but it will also help you add meaning to the holidays.

8th Day of Christmas: Volunteer at Your Loved One’s Favorite Charity

Three people volunteering outdoors and planting trees and bushes

At Christmastime, many people focus on giving back to the community and helping others. If your loved one had a favorite charity, you could volunteer on their behalf or give a memorial donation. Alternatively, you could sign up for a 5k benefiting a local organization, spend time at the animal shelter, or deliver meals to homebound seniors. Whatever seems the best way to honor your loved one’s memory, do that and remember them.

9th Day of Christmas: Visit Your Loved One’s Final Resting Place

Person visiting a loved one's final resting place and leaving red roses as a token of their love

Another remembrance activity to consider is visiting your loved one’s grave. You can bring a wreath, a poinsettia, notes, or other meaningful items to leave behind as a token of your love. And if your loved one was not laid to rest in a cemetery, visit the place where their ashes were released or a place that is particularly meaningful to you. It doesn’t really matter where you go, so long as it’s a place where you feel a sense of closeness and kinship to the person who has died.

10th Day of Christmas: Bring Out the Family Photos

Group of family photos at Christmas

As visual beings, we often associate memories with images and items. Sit down and scroll through your social media history or bring out the photobooks. Talk about the stories behind the photos. As you reminisce, you will feel closer to your loved one and can honor different aspects of their personality. Were they the prankster on family trips? Did they always have 15 books when the trip was only 3 days long? Lean into the details and remember the uniqueness of who they were.

11th Day of Christmas: Wear a Christmas Sweater They Loved

Young woman sitting on couch at home, wearing an ugly Christmas sweater and working on her laptop

Was there a particular Christmas clothing item that your loved one just adored? Maybe it was that ridiculous llama sweater with festive lights or the socks with the cat’s face printed on them, complete with a Santa hat. Whether the clothing item belonged to them or you, consider taking it out of the closet and wearing it in their memory. It could be anything – shirt, pants, socks, earrings, whatever. And if you can’t think of a particular item, buy something you know would tickle their funny bone and think of them when you wear it.

12th Day of Christmas: Write Your Loved One a Letter

Man in sweater sitting at table, writing a letter and softly smiling

For the final healing activity, take a few minutes to look inward. Sit down in a quiet place and write your special person a letter. Let them know that you miss them. Tell them how the holidays have been going, what the kids or grandkids are up to, or what holiday activities you’ve done so far. During the grief journey, expressing your emotions and sharing what’s on your heart is so beneficial to helping you find the balance between grief and joy.

Now, this Christmas remembrance activities list is not set in stone. Feel free to switch around the days or add in your own ideas. This is merely a framework with some suggested activities to get you started. Personalize the 12 Days of Christmas Remembrance Activities to your family’s preferences and needs and create truly sweet moments this holiday season. May you find hope, peace, and joy as you honor and remember your lost loved one and keep their memory alive.