christy.kessler, Author at Funeral Basics

Jun 10

Husband sitting next to wife in hospital bed

Helping Your Family Process a Loved One’s Terminal Diagnosis

By christy.kessler Hospice

Learning that a member of your family has a terminal illness is often the most devastating news a family can receive. Your family is starting a journey they didn’t ask for and don’t want – with hospital visits, hospice care, grief, sorrow, and tears. But it doesn’t have to only be rainy days! You can create beautiful memories to cherish and turn your love and concern into positive actions. Together, let’s discuss ways you can help your family process what’s happening and grieve well together.

1. Take Time to Accept What’s Happened

It’s going to take time to cope with your family’s new reality. Before the diagnosis, you may have thought this type of thing only happens to other families, and it’s hard to grasp that it’s now happening to yours. If the onset of the terminal illness was sudden or unexpected, you and the rest of your family will likely feel shock and numbness at first. This is a natural and necessary response to painful news.

Don’t try to take it all in at once. Accept your new reality in doses or increments. First, try to understand it in your head. Then, over the weeks and even months to come, you will come to understand it with your heart. Just take it one day at a time.

2. Be Aware of Your Family’s Coping Style

How you and your family respond to this terminal illness will have a lot to do with how you as a family have related in the past. If your family is used to openly talking about their feelings with each other, they will probably be able to communicate more easily about the illness and the changes it brings. Families where people don’t talk about feelings and tend to deal with problems individually will probably have difficulty acknowledging the illness and its impact.

As you have conversations, you will find that some family members want to discuss the terminal illness, while others seem to want to deny the reality and refuse to discuss it. Right now, your family may feel like a pressure cooker: you all have a high need to feel understood, but little capacity to be understanding. Try not to force anything and give each family member room to come to grips with reality in their own way.

3. Adjust to Changing Roles

A family member’s terminal illness is going to necessitate changes – in routine, in roles and responsibilities, activities, and more. Your family may have a hard time adjusting to the changing roles. For example, if the head of the household is dying, the other spouse may now have to find a job in addition to caring for the home and children. If grandma acted as the family’s binding force before she was ill, her family may now feel confused and disjointed where they once felt strong and cohesive.

These changes can cause upheaval and high emotions, affecting how your family interacts. Depending on temperament and age, some may act short-tempered, overly dependent, or stoic, to name a few options for altered behavior. Each person’s stress, anxiety, or fear will manifest in different ways, so be on the lookout for it. Try not to take any outbursts personally.

4. Consider Getting Outside Help

One of the most compassionate things you can do for your family during this stressful time is to reach out for and accept help. If someone in your family is caring for the dying person at home, look into end-of-life care options. Have groceries delivered. Hire a housekeeper to come in twice a month. Talk to your church or other community organizations and ask for volunteers to help. And family counseling can be a healing, enriching experience that helps family members understand one another now and long after the illness.

Additionally, hospices are well-staffed and trained to help both the dying person and the dying person’s family. Their mission is two-fold: 1) to help the dying die with comfort, dignity, and love, and 2) to help survivors cope both before and after the death. Contact your local hospice early in the dying process. Too often families wait until the last few days of the sick person’s life to ask for hospice care. When contacted early, hospices can provide a great deal of compassionate support and care up to six months before the death.

5. Understand What the Dying Person May be Feeling

Experiencing terminal illness affects a person’s mind, heart, and spirit. While you don’t want to make assumptions about what another person may feel, do be aware that terminally ill people may experience a variety of emotions. Fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, sadness, and loneliness are just a few of the emotions they may feel—one at a time or simultaneously.

These feelings are a natural response to terminal illness. Your role as caring family member should be to listen to the sick person’s thoughts and feelings without trying to change them. If they are sad, they’re sad. Don’t try to take that necessary emotion away. If they are angry or feeling guilty, that’s okay too. You may be tempted to soothe away or deny these painful feelings, but a more helpful response is to simply acknowledge them. Listen and understand.

6. Help Family Members Tend to their Own Needs

When a family member is dying, that person becomes the focal point for the entire family. Suddenly everyone is concerned about that one person and their coming death. This is normal, but family members should not lose sight of their own needs during this difficult time.

Encourage everyone to nurture themselves as well as the sick person. Get enough rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten schedules as much as possible. And even though the family is experiencing a serious time, they should still give themselves permission to be happy. Plan fun events. Allow time to laugh, love, and enjoy life.

7. Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your family’s life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Singly or together, you may find comfort and hope in reading spiritual texts, attending religious services, or praying. Allow yourselves to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If one or more family members are angry at God because of the illness, realize that this is a normal and natural response. Try not to be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings each family member needs to explore.

8. Seek Hope and Healing

When a family member dies, each surviving member of the family must find a way to mourn if they are to love and live wholly again. It’s impossible to heal if you aren’t willing to openly express grief. Denying your grief, before and after the death, will only make it more confusing and overwhelming.

Mother and young son paying respects at a cemetery

Remember, every family member will grieve in a different way. Leave room for different expressions of grief. Some will feel sad, others angry, guilty, or even relieved. Don’t judge the reactions of the other people in your family – simply realize that each of you will face the pain differently. Look for ways to honor and remember the person you’ve lost. These healing actions will help you find a way to move forward.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Grief is a process, not an event. Encourage your family to be patient with each other and kind to themselves. Your life as a family has changed forever, and it will take time, open sharing, and intentionality to discover the way forward.

May 27

Love0

Man and woman reviewing documents on a clipboard

What Services Do Funeral Homes Offer?

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Planning Tools

You may think that funeral homes only plan and facilitate funeral and memorial services, but that’s not all they do. In fact, funeral homes have a wider range of services than you might think, and several of them are completely complimentary! Let’s review the top services available and what they entail.

Meaningful & Healing Funeral or Memorial Services 

First and foremost, the funeral home assists families with creating personalized and unique healing experiences. Depending on the family’s needs, these services could include a funeral, a memorial, a visitation or viewing, a gathering, and a graveside service. In addition to offering different options for remembrance services, the funeral home also helps to facilitate all the moving parts. To name a few, the funeral home will:

Brainstorm and implement personalization ideas
Prepare and decorate spaces for the service options chosen by the family
Seek out clergy, musicians, pallbearers, etc. unless the family already has people in mind
Review options for caskets, urns, flower sprays, burial liners, and more
Coordinate any burial or cremation processes
Care for the body in accordance with the family’s wishes
Request military honors
And so much more (click here for a look more closely at a funeral director’s duties)

The funeral home staff is committed to listening and implementing the family’s vision for a healing and meaningful service.

Grave Marker, Cemetery, & Memorial Needs

As part of the process for laying a loved one to rest, the funeral home will coordinate with the cemetery and monument company of your choice. This does not mean the funeral home staff will purchase a burial plot or columbarium niche on your behalf. In most cases, the funeral home and the cemetery are separate proprietors. You will need to work with both after the death of a loved one. That said, the funeral director will coordinate with the cemetery of your choice to ensure that your previously selected choices are ready and services can run smoothly.

Additionally, they will submit your wishes for a grave marker with the monument company, so the family doesn’t have to do so. In some cases, the funeral home may own a cemetery or monument company themselves. Regardless, the funeral home staff will help you navigate through any grave marker, cemetery, or memorial needs.

Assistance with Legal Documents

The death of a loved one brings a lot of legal documentation, but the funeral home can help you work through many of the documents. Not only will they take care of preparing and filing for the death certificate, the funeral home can help with:

Obtaining additional certified copies of the death certificate
Requesting social security survivor benefits
Filing for life insurance benefits
Applying for veterans’ burial benefits to assist with the cost of a funeral or memorial

Grief Resources & Aftercare Services

Losing a loved one is hard emotionally, physically, mentally, and sometimes spiritually. Good funeral homes recognize that the funeral or memorial service isn’t the end of your grief journey – it’s a good beginning. That said, many funeral homes offer grief and aftercare resources, though the type will vary from funeral home to funeral home. Some will offer informational resources that will direct you to local support groups, grief therapists, or helpful books and literature. Additionally, some funeral homes employ a grief counselor or keep a grief therapy dog on staff to offer comfort and stress relief.

NOTE: The four services listed above are available to families who work with a funeral home following the death of a loved one. They are included in the service options you choose for your family.

Educational Resources for End-of-Life Planning

As a complimentary service to the community, many funeral homes host educational events that share valuable planning information. Topics can include advance health care directives, writing a will, preparing for nursing home care or assisted living, senior safety tips, information on veterans’ burial benefits, understanding Medicaid, or the benefits of planning ahead for funeral wishes. To attend one of these free events, check out the funeral home’s website or Facebook page or keep a lookout for flyers on public boards or an invitation through the mail. While you are certainly not required to attend any of these events, they are an available resource for topics that are often a bit of a mystery.

Planning Ahead for Funeral Wishes

Another complimentary service the funeral home offers is the ability to plan ahead for funeral wishes. This means that you can set up a free visit with a preplanning specialist who will help you wade through all the options available. Do you want to be buried or cremated? What kind of service would you like? Are you a veteran who would like military honors at the service? With every question you answer, you take more and more of the burden off your loved ones. Because you’re answering these questions now, they don’t have to in the future, and you can both have peace of mind knowing that everything is taken care of.

Man and wife smiling at camera

Plus, if you’d like (it’s not required), you can also look into prepaying for a funeral. In many cases, this actually saves your family money in the long run. But again, it’s not required. Even if you don’t pay in advance, it’s valuable to put your wishes in writing. You will give your family a roadmap to your wishes, rather than leaving them completely in the dark. Many family disagreements have occurred over what the deceased person would have wanted to honor their life, and by answering a few questions, you can make the funeral planning process much simpler for your family. And don’t forget – this is a complimentary service. You can always take your plan to another funeral home if you move or things change.

Funeral homes provide much-needed services to grieving families. You just have to make sure you choose a funeral home that has a good reputation and deeply cares about people. Once you find a funeral home you can trust, take advantage of everything they have to offer and consider them a resource for valuable end-of-life planning information.

May 26

Love0

Man and woman sitting at a table reviewing documents, laptop lying on table

Deciding How to Pay for Hospice Care

By christy.kessler Hospice

Facing a terminal illness brings many worries and concerns but paying for end-of-life care shouldn’t be one of them. Thankfully, there are many ways to pay for hospice, and many of them are free. Let’s take a look at 7 ways to pay for hospice care. Then, you can decide which options work best for your family and specific situation.

First, it’s important to note that hospice care refers to care and support in the final stages of illness. It focuses on quality of life and comfort rather than curing an illness. If you or a loved one are still trying to cure an illness, then it’s not time for hospice care. Now, let’s get started.

1. Pay with Medicare (Ages 65+)

If the terminally ill person has Medicare coverage, then the Medicare Hospice Benefit should cover the vast majority of expenses (often 100%) if you use a Medicare-approved hospice provider. Thankfully, more than 90% of all hospices are certified by Medicare, so you should have no trouble finding one.

While there are eligibility requirements, if you qualify, then the Medicare Hospice Benefit will cover (to name a few):

All items and services needed for pain relief and symptom management
Medical, nursing, and social care and services
Drugs for pain management
Additional levels of service if needed
Durable medical equipment for pain relief and symptom management
Supplies, such as catheters or bandages
Aide and homemaker services
Speech, occupational, and physical therapy
Short-term inpatient care or short-term hourly care
Respite care (to provide primary caregiver with relief; small co-payment may be required)
Spiritual and grief counseling for you and your family

However, it’s important to note that the Medicare Hospice Benefit will not pay for treatments or prescriptions aimed at curing a terminal illness, room and board, services from a second hospice team (you must receive care from just one hospice team), and any inpatient/outpatient care or ambulance services you receive that are not arranged by your hospice (or are unrelated to your terminal illness).

To learn more, go to Medicare’s Part A coverage on their website.

2. Pay with Medicaid (Select Groups)

While Medicare is administered by the federal government and the rules are consistent throughout all U.S. states, Medicaid is a little different. Medicaid is funded by both state and federal monies, and each state is given flexibility to set their own eligibility requirements.

To that end, where you live plays a key role in determining your eligibility for Medicaid coverage.

Additionally, if you or a terminally ill loved one decide to move to a different state (perhaps to be closer to family), you must re-apply for Medicaid in your new state. Medicaid coverage doesn’t transfer from state to state.

Generally, Medicaid aims to assist low-income individuals, families, seniors, and people with disabilities. Medicaid offers similar services as Medicare, including:

Nursing and physician services
Counseling services
Medical appliances and supplies
Medication for symptom control and pain relief
Home health aide and homemaker services
Physical, occupational, and speech therapy

It’s possible to have dual coverage – both Medicare and Medicaid. If this is the case for you, you can use Medicaid to cover costs that Medicare doesn’t.

The best thing to do when using Medicaid to pay for hospice care is to call your State Medicaid Agency and find out if you meet their eligibility requirements for hospice care. Click here to see a full list of contact information for State Medicaid Agencies across the United States.

3. Pay with Private Insurance (Any Age)

If you are not eligible for Medicare or Medicaid, but you do have a work-based or private insurance plan, contact your health insurance provider to determine what your insurance plan covers.

Though private insurance plans vary greatly, many plans do provide at least some coverage for hospice care. However, keep in mind – even if your plan does offer some hospice care benefits, they may have limits on hospice expenses. This is why it’s so important to contact your provider to get a clear image of what options are available to you.

Additionally, your insurance provider may have specific eligibility requirements you must meet before you can access hospice care benefits. Make sure to ask about these requirements. At the very least, most insurance providers will require 1) a certification of a terminal illness from an attending physician, and 2) confirmation that the terminally ill person has elected not to seek curative treatments.

If your insurance plan does not cover the full cost of hospice care, there are other options to help your family supplement the cost of care.

4. Pay Using Veterans’ Benefits/Tricare (Any Age)

If you are a veteran, the Veterans Administration can help pay for hospice if you are enrolled in the VA Standard Medical Benefits Package. As long as you meet the clinical need for hospice services, you are eligible regardless of age. A few highlights of this coverage include:

Care available at your home, nursing home, assisted living, or wherever you call home
No co-pay for hospice care
Medical equipment, medication, and personal care supplies
Pain and symptom management
Care coordinated with your doctors
Physical, occupational, and other therapy services
Spiritual care and support
Volunteers with military experience (when available)
Ongoing grief counseling for patients and family

To learn more about utilizing your VA benefits to pay for hospice care, contact your VA social worker and discuss your options.

Father and young daughter standing in field with American flag wrapped around them

For veteran spouses and children, CHAMPVA for Life is a health insurance program available to the spouses and/or children of veterans killed in action or permanently disabled. It covers most medically necessary care for individuals who are 65 or older, including hospice. To learn more about CHAMPVA, click here.

NOTE: If you or a loved one are a veteran, also look into veterans’ burial benefits. These benefits include burial and plot allowances to offset the cost of a funeral or memorial, free headstone and burial flag, military honors, and if desired, burial in a national cemetery (at no cost to the family).

5. Pay with Crowdfunding (Any Age)

If you have a large support network, then creating a crowdfunding campaign may be a viable option. GoFundMe is one of the most common platforms. On sites like this, you can share about your health journey and invite others into your final days.

While it’s best not to count on crowdfunding as a primary source of financial help, it can definitely make a dent in the cost of hospice care for yourself or a loved one. Additionally, there are foundations out there – like Hospice Help Foundation – that are focused on offering financial assistance to families who need financial assistance to afford hospice care.

6. Ask About Reduced Rates (Any Age)

If you’re uninsured or your available insurance just doesn’t cover the cost of hospice care, consider talking to your hospice care provider about reduced rates. Some hospice facilities offer free care for patients who lack the resources to pay. Additionally, hospices often seek out charitable donations, grants, or other community sources specifically so that they can assist families financially.

Even if the hospice cannot offer free care, they may be able to offer reduced rates or charge on a sliding scale. Either way, it doesn’t hurt to ask!

7. Pay with Personal Savings (Any Age)

While most people are unable to pay for hospice care out of pocket, if you are able to do so, it’s another way to pay for hospice. Of course, make sure that all other options available to you are exhausted before paying out of pocket. If you are eligible for benefits and services, it’s best to take full advantage of those options before taking a financial hit.

One person holding another person's hands in comfort as they listen

If you or a loved one have received a terminal diagnosis and you are looking into hospice care, there are many options available to pay for end-of-life care. Look into each one to see if you qualify. Also, most hospice providers employ financial support personnel, who can answer any questions you may have as you determine the best way to pay for hospice services.

Hopefully this information has helped you better understand some of the most common ways to pay for hospice care and gives you a path forward. As you consider other end-of-life concerns, look into estate planning and funeral planning so you can start providing answers to the questions your family will ask in the future.

May 26

Love0

Home health nurse helping woman walk across room

Processing & Accepting Your Terminal Diagnosis

By christy.kessler Hospice

You’ve just received the news you’ve been dreading ever since you had that first appointment: your medical condition is terminal. Right now, you may be feeling so many emotions – shock or disbelief chief amongst them. Even as you grapple with your feelings, you’re faced with an exceedingly difficult challenge: accepting that you are dying while striving to make the most of your days. In this article, we will discuss how to process the reality of your terminal diagnosis while also finding a way to continue to live fully even though you are dying.

Processing & Accepting the Reality of Your Diagnosis

The initial shock of your diagnosis may have faded, or it could still be front and center. Take a few days to allow the strength of your emotions to abate a little. Then, for both your own sanity and your family’s, start processing through your new reality so that you can make the most of your final days.

1. Acknowledge You Are Dying

Acknowledging you are dying is the first step to living the rest of your life. If your illness was sudden or unexpected, you’re going to deal with shock, disbelief, or numbness at first. This is a natural and necessary response to painful news. Don’t try to deal with everything at once; take your time. At first, you will understand everything with just your head, but in time, you will come to understand it with your heart.

To acknowledge you are dying is to let go of the future. It is to live only in the present. There is no easy way to do this, and you will probably struggle with this every day. However, by acknowledging and not denying the reality of your coming death, you will open your heart and mind to the possibility of a new, rich way of living.

2. Question the Meaning of Life

Discovering that you are dying naturally makes you take inventory of your life. You have a right to have questions, fears, and hopes. Illness often establishes a new direction for our lives and makes us question some of our old habits. New thoughts, feelings, and action patterns will begin to emerge; embrace them. The unknown invites you to question and search for the meaning of your life, in the past, present, and future.

3. Accept Your Response to the Illness

Each person responds to news of terminal illness in their own way. You, too, will have your own response. You may feel fear, excitement, anger, loss, grief, denial, hope, or any combination of emotions. By becoming aware of how you respond right now, you will discover how you will live with your terminal illness. Don’t let others tell you how you feel. Instead, find people who encourage you to teach them how you feel. After all, there’s no right or wrong way for you to think and feel.

4. Respect Your Own Need to Talk or Stay Silent

You may find that you don’t want to talk about your illness at all. Or you may find that you want to talk about it with some people, but not with others. In general, open and honest communication is a good idea. When you make your thoughts and feelings known, you are more likely to receive the kind of care and companionship you need.

But if you don’t want to talk about your illness, don’t force yourself. Perhaps you will be able to open up more later on, after you have lived with the reality of your illness for a time.

5. Tell Your Family and Friends You Are Dying

As hard as it may be, your family and closest friends deserve to know that you are dying. Tell them when you feel able to. If you simply cannot bring yourself to tell them, ask a compassionate person you trust to share the news on your behalf.

Just as every terminally ill person reacts differently to a diagnosis, each family member or friend will react differently to your news. Some will sit in shock, cry, or refuse to believe it. Others will spring into helpful action by running errands for you, offering to clean your house, etc.

Many will not know how to respond. Because they don’t know what to say or do, or because your illness reminds them of their own mortality, they may even avoid you altogether. Please know that their apparent abandonment does not mean they don’t love you. Give them time to process.

Make sure not to neglect telling children. They, too, deserve to know. As with all people, children can cope with what they know. They cannot cope with what they don’t know. Be honest with them as you explain the situation in language they will understand. Don’t overexplain but do answer any questions they may have.

6. Be an Active Participant in your Medical Care

Many people are taught to be passive recipients of the care provided by medical experts. But don’t forget—this is your body, your life. Don’t fail to ask questions that are important to your emotional and physical well-being out of fear that you will be “taking up someone’s time.”

Learn about your illness. Visit your local library and consult the medical reference books. Request information from educational associations, such as the National Cancer Institute or the American Heart Association. Ask questions of your doctor, home health or hospice nurses, and other caregivers.

If you educate yourself about the illness and its probable course, you will better understand what is happening to you. You will be better equipped to advocate for personalized, compassionate care. You may not be in control of your illness, but you can and should be in control of your care.

7. Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your illness will almost surely leave you feeling fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get enough rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.

8. Say Goodbye

Knowing you will die offers you a special privilege: saying goodbye to those you love. When you feel you are ready, consider how you will say goodbye. You might set aside a time to talk to each person individually. Or, if you are physically up for it, you might have a gathering for friends and family. Other ways of saying goodbye include writing letters, creating videos, and passing along keepsakes. Your survivors will cherish forever your heartfelt goodbyes.

9. Find Hope & Embrace Your Spirituality

When people are seriously ill, we tend to get caught up in statistics and averages: How soon will the illness progress? How long do I have left? These can be helpful to know, but they don’t always provide spiritual and emotional comfort.

Older man and wife sitting at table praying over meal

Even if you are certain to die from this illness, you can find hope in your tomorrows, your next visit from someone loved, your spirituality. Hope means finding meaning in life—whether that life will last five more days, five more months, or five more years.

If faith is part of your life, looks for ways to express it. You may find comfort and hope in reading spiritual texts, attending religious services, or praying. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of your illness, that’s okay; it’s a normal and natural response. Find someone to talk to who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

10. Reach Out for Support

While you may have been raised to be fiercely independent, confronting a terminal illness cannot and should not be done alone. As difficult as it may be for you, you must reach out to others, specifically the people you feel most comfortable with in stressful times. Give yourself permission to reach out for prayers, support, and practical assistance.

Home health nurse helping woman walk across room

Additionally, hospices are an indispensable resource for you. They are well-staffed and trained to help both the dying person and the dying person’s family. Their mission is to help the dying die with comfort, dignity and love, and to help survivors cope both before and after the death. Whatever you do, don’t isolate yourself and withdraw from people who love you.

You still have a journey ahead of you – as you learn to accept and live with your diagnosis. Hopefully, these words have given you hope and a place to start as you process through your feelings and decide how to live the remainder of your days with purpose and intentionality.

*Based heavily on a brochure by Dr. Alan Wolfelt called Helping Yourself Live When You Are Dying. Dr. Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.

May 19

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What Do Funeral Directors Do?

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Meaningful Funerals, Planning Tools

Have you ever wondered exactly what funeral directors do? To most people, funeral service is a bit of a mystery. That’s because a vast majority of people have never had to plan a funeral. Let’s look at some of the main ways funeral directors serve grieving families during a time of loss.

Funeral directors are event planners, caregivers, and administrators. Often, they are also embalmers, caring for a loved one’s body. In many ways, funeral directors are guides to families during a very confusing and difficult time. For instance, funeral directors are there to offer comfort, advice, guidance, and insight to families during the entire funeral planning process. Here’s a look at what funeral directors do every day to serve families.

Creating a Healing and Meaningful Funeral or Memorial Service

Primarily, a funeral director’s role is to help the family create a personalized and meaningful funeral experience. A good funeral service brings healing to the grieving while honoring the final wishes of the person who has died. So, a funeral director’s main job is to help the family grieve the loss of a loved one while also ensuring that the deceased’s body is cared for with dignity and respect.

The following list covers the eight primary duties that funeral directors perform every day with great dedication and attention to detail.

1. Care for and prepare the body of the deceased for final disposition

Firstly, the funeral director will coordinate the transfer of the deceased into the care of the funeral home, day or night. Then, they will direct and supervise the work of embalmers, funeral attendants, death certificate clerks, cosmetologists, or other staff.

Preparation and care of the body may include all of the following:

- Washing of the body
- Embalming preparation
- Restorative art
- Dressing
- Hairdressing
- Cosmetology
- Casketing

If cremation is chosen, the funeral director will oversee the cremation and return the cremated remains to the family. In cases where the body must be transferred out of state, the funeral director will coordinate the transfer of the body to the final place of rest, in accordance with the applicable laws and regulations.

Finally, the funeral director will offer the family options for caskets, urns, burial liner/vault, and cemetery space, as applicable.

2. Plan the funeral with the family

Next, the funeral director will meet with the family for the arrangement conference. During this time, the funeral director can get to know the family and educate them on how to plan a healing and meaningful service.

To create a personalized service, funeral directors listen to the family and offer ideas, insights, and advice. During this time, the funeral director will share the elements of a meaningful funeral and offer suggestions for visitations, gatherings, readings, music, eulogies, symbols, and healing actions.

In addition, funeral directors incorporate funeral customs based on the family’s preferences. Personalization may include traditions of faith groups and/or civic organizations, military honors, or cultural rites and rituals.

Most funeral directors are able to offer a variety of options to suit the family’s needs. Funeral directors are there to answer any questions the family may have and help them make choices that are right for them. That way, the funeral or memorial service brings comfort and peace to all who mourn the loss.

3. Coordinate all the details behind the scenes

In addition to helping the family plan the funeral experience, funeral directors perform various duties behind the scenes. For example, funeral directors usually:

Prepare and submit obituary information to media outlets as needed
Help the family coordinate with clergy or celebrants, a venue for the service, and musicians
Ensure that clergy or celebrant and musicians know where to be when and that they receive an honorarium for their time
Help order funeral sprays and other flower arrangements as the family wishes
Ensure that the funeral, memorial, and/or graveside service venues are properly prepared
Coordinate any cremation or burial processes
Make sure that the funeral service is streamed live or digitally recorded, if the family wishes
Provide additional memorialization products; for example, a register book, prayer cards, acknowledgment cards, and funeral folders
Coordinate a police escort for the funeral procession
Handle all memorial contributions presented to the family

4. Take care of permanent memorialization needs

Next, the funeral director helps the family consider permanent memorialization needs. For instance, they may discuss options such as a cemetery plot, columbarium niche, plaque, grave marker, deciding on where to scatter ashes, and more. As part of their role, the funeral director will help you review your options and choose what fits best for your family. Then, they will help with the details. A funeral director will:

Schedule the opening and closing of the grave with cemetery personnel
Help the family choose a casket, urn, burial vault, and cemetery plot
If scattering is chosen, they will offer location options and suggestions
For a graveside service, they will:
- Provide transportation for the remains, primary mourners, and flowers between sites
- Coordinate with the cemetery to prepare and decorate the site for the service
Make sure gravestones or grave markers are ordered and placed in the cemetery

5. Assist with legal documentation

After losing a loved one, there are a lot of legal documents to complete and file with the state or federal government. However, the funeral director will take the lead on some of this documentation, ensuring that everything is taken care of as needed. For instance, the funeral director will:

Submit documentation for an official death certificate
Help the family obtain certified copies of the death certificate
Request cremation or burial authorization documents and permits
Explain the benefits available through Social Security or the Veteran’s Administration
Assist with submitting claims for prepaid burial plans, insurance policies, or annuities on behalf of surviving family members
Stay informed on any policies, regulations, or laws to ensure that funeral service operations are in compliance

6. Share grief resources

After the funeral or memorial service, the funeral director may continue to check in with the grieving family to see how they are doing. As the funeral director listens to and assesses the family’s needs, they may:

Provide grief assistance and grief resources
Connect the families and friends with local grief counselors
Share support group activities in the area

7. Help families plan ahead

While most of a funeral director’s responsibilities occur after a loss, not all do. For instance, they do often help families record funeral wishes ahead of time. Planning ahead for funeral wishes can be extremely helpful to loved ones. The more your family knows about your final wishes, the easier the funeral planning process will be after you’re gone. At the time of loss, many families are plagued by the question, “Did we do the right thing?” It would be so much easier if they knew exactly what you wanted. This is why funeral directors actively work with families to create a written plan that will benefit surviving family members. The funeral director will:

Ask questions about your wishes
Determine whether you prefer cremation or burial
Review casket, urn, and grave liner/vault options
Go over permanent memorial options
Share the benefits of having a healing and meaningful service
Brainstorm ways to personalize the funeral or memorial service
Gather vital statistics information
Review veterans’ burial benefits, if applicable
Discuss payment options (if you would like to pay in advance to save your family from the expense in the future)
And more!

8. Run a small business

Lastly, a number of funeral homes are family-run businesses, and funeral directors may need to wear a few different hats. When they aren’t assisting families, the funeral director may need to:

Work with various vendors such as florists, caterers, and cemeteries to fulfill the family’s wishes
Submit death certificates to the state
File necessary documentation and permits
Complete billing, bookkeeping, and payroll duties
Keep accurate records of inventory
See to any last-minute details for the family
Other duties to keep a small business running

As you can see, funeral directors do quite a lot. While there may be some things you’d like to do yourself, the professionals are there to take care of you! They know exactly what is needed and can make everything a little easier.

*NOTE: This article seeks to list the vast majority of the responsibilities of a funeral director, but it’s not comprehensive.

May 19

Love0

Focus on hands, younger person holding older person's hand in a comforting way

Grief & Self-Care After a Loved One’s Alzheimer’s Diagnosis

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

You’ve received the news that someone you love has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia. You may feel numb, in shock, or unable to process what’s happening. Or, you may have seen the signs, and it’s a relief to finally have a medical diagnosis. Whichever is the case, you probably did not expect things to turn out this way. Feelings of grief and loss are filling you as you look forward to a future forever altered. As you grapple with the grief that an Alzheimer’s or dementia diagnosis brings, we hope that these words will bring you hope and understanding for the journey ahead.

Remember that You Are Not Alone

Navigating the treacherous and emotional journey of helping someone you love live with Alzheimer’s is not easy, but it does not mean that all is lost. By focusing on the abilities your loved one retains, you may still be able to have a meaningful relationship and share joy and love. And by fully mourning and making the most of your own days, you will be living your life “on purpose,” with meaning each and every day.

Father with two adult sons laughing and enjoying time together

And even though you may feel alone on your journey, you aren’t. More than 6 million Americans are currently affected by Alzheimer’s. To care for them, more than 11 million U.S. family members and friends provide unpaid care. Their love, time, and attention help keep those affected by Alzheimer’s safe and their lives meaningful.

Whether you are a direct caregiver, or you are a family member or friend without daily caregiving responsibilities, there are so many resources available. Read books or listen to audiobooks. Research online. Talk to your loved one’s doctor. Attend a support group. Grow a support network of friends and family who are willing to share the responsibility of caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s. There’s so much out there to help if you take the time to look and engage.

You Will Experience Grief

Alzheimer’s is going to take so much from your loved one, but the losses you will experience as a caregiver, friend, or family member are also significant. You may lose the close personal relationship you had with the person you love. Your ability to do and enjoy the same things together is lost. Even the basis of the relationship may change. In many cases, children and spouses have to act more like parents. In so many ways, once that diagnosis is spoken, your expected future alters completely.

Focus on hands, younger person holding older person's hand in a comforting way

If you’re feeling sad or depressed, don’t beat yourself up for how you’re feeling. With so much change, it’s natural to feel grief and sadness.

Recognize Your Own Symptoms of Grief

As you mourn, your grief may feel complicated. In some sense you need to mourn a person who is physically present but who is becoming more and more cognitively, emotionally, socially, and spiritually absent every day. Society, your friends, and even some of your family members may not understand. Listen to your spirit and your own feelings and slow down to feel your inner pain. Only by facing the pain head-on will you be able to deal with it in a healthy way.

As you come to grips with what you’re feeling, keep your eyes open for these common symptoms of grief:

denial of the diagnosis or that the person you love is ill
periods of helplessness, despair, and depression
changes in appetite or sleeping patterns
feelings of anger or frustration toward the person with Alzheimer’s
withdrawal from social activities, friends, family, and even the person with Alzheimer’s
feelings of anxiety or confusion

Don’t Avoid Your Grief

Generally, we’ve been taught to avoid emotional pain. However, it’s only by embracing our pain and grief that we can heal our wounds.

Be wary if others are telling you how well you are doing with your “situation” or if you are not feeling much at all. Sometimes “doing well” means you are avoiding your pain, hiding your emotions, or experiencing some of the natural numbness that grief brings.

Take time to care for yourself, keep tabs on your emotions, and make time to actively mourn and express your internal feelings.

Be Kind to Yourself

You are going through a lot and you deserve kindness— from others but also from yourself. Let go of any self-doubt you may feel. You are doing the best you can. Remember to eat nutritiously, get enough sleep, exercise regularly, and do things that help you relax and be at peace.

Mother and adult daughter sitting on couch together, talking and lighthearted

Also, take time to celebrate, even the small successes. If you are the primary caregiver, say “Good job!” to yourself when you successfully get your loved one dressed with no emotional outbursts. If you are a friend or family member who does not have day-to-day caregiving responsibilities, feel good about the times when you’re able to offer your help and love.

Ask for and Accept Help

While you may feel the need to shoulder everything on your own, you need and deserve ongoing love and support. Don’t expect yourself to do everything or to handle your grief alone. That’s too much for one person. You need to talk through what you’re experiencing with people you trust. You will also need help with chores at home, medical appointments, finances, and many other things.

Ask your friends and family for their support and patience. Those who love and care for you truly want to help. Additionally, you can also phone the Alzheimer’s Disease Education and Referral Center at no charge (1-800-438-4380) or email them ([email protected]).

Join Your Loved One

It can be tempting to write off people with an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. Instead, look your loved one in the eye, and talk to them directly. Join them where they are. Don’t get upset if your loved one makes mistakes (because they will). At times, your loved one will try hard to compensate for any cognitive losses. Join them in this effort.

To allow your person to function as fully as possible, empower them and avoid limiting them. Encourage their involvement in support groups and consider joining one yourself. Talking to others can help you both navigate the maze of Alzheimer’s.

Recognize that Respect and Love Endure

At times you may doubt, but remember, respect and love can endure throughout the progression of the disease. Alzheimer’s may take away a person’s memory, but it does not take away their soul. And even though your loved one may be confused and not even recognize you, at the heart, they still love you and appreciate the care you have given.

Man and woman walking on a green path outside, arms around each other's waist

Do you believe that there is a soul that transcends the physical body? If you do, then you can find comfort in knowing that your loved one’s soul is eternal and the person you love lives on, unharmed by the disease. And that is where their love for you lives, too.

Caring for a loved one with an Alzheimer’s diagnosis is going to stretch you in ways you never expected or wanted. Just remember, you can do this. Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Embrace the good and process through the bad. You’ve got this.

*Content based on a brochure by Dr. Alan Wolfelt.

May 11

Love0

Father holding daughter's hand as they walk outside

10 Ways to Emotionally Support a Dying Child (and Their Family)

By christy.kessler Children, Grief/Loss, Hospice

A child you care about is dying. You want to offer your love and care, but you’re not sure how to go about it. Whether you are a parent, friend, or caregiver, may this guide help you turn your care and concern into action.

When a Child is Dying

In our hearts, we all believe that children aren’t supposed to die. As much as we wish otherwise, the sad truth is that children do die. Confronting this difficult reality is the first step you can take toward helping a dying child. It’s going to take time, so for now, try to accept the reality of the child’s medical condition, if only with your head. You will later come to accept it with your heart.

Little boy in bed checking his teddy bear's heartbeat with a stethoscope

As you navigate through a heartbreaking situation, may these 10 insights serve as a guide to loving a child (and their family) through one of life’s most difficult times…the loss of a child.

1. Don’t Underestimate the Child’s Capacity to Understand

Children have the capacity to understand more than we give them credit for. Like adults, they deserve our respect and compassion—and our honesty. Sometimes adults, in an effort to protect themselves, assume that children are incapable of understanding or should be protected from the truth. These adults often don’t talk directly to dying children about their prognoses, which can leave the children feeling alone and isolated.

Children can cope with what they know. They can’t cope with what they don’t know. Dying children deserve an atmosphere that creates open, two-way communication. Many terminally ill children will go back and forth between wanting to know details about their illness and not wanting to acknowledge they are even sick. It is critical to follow the child’s lead. Always listen first as you participate in open dialogue about any feelings, concerns, or questions they might have. If they ask something and you don’t know the answer, simply say, “I don’t know.”

2. Be Honest with the Child About Their Coming Death

As the child comes to comprehend their illness and its severity, explain to them that they will likely die, making sure to use language they will understand. The conversation may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but honest love is what a dying child needs most.

Depending on their age and developmental maturity, they may not immediately (or ever) fully understand what their illness means. But they will begin to incorporate the notion of death into their remaining life and will have the opportunity to think about it and ask questions. They will also have the privilege of saying goodbye.

Do not try to protect the child by lying about their condition. If a dying child is told they are going to get better but everyone around is acting down and defeated, they will notice. This may make the child feel confused, frustrated, and perhaps angry.

Instead, show your love and respect by being honest and open with them and helping them understand that they are dying.

3. Encourage Open Communication, But Do Not Force It

As caring adults, we should encourage honest communication between the child, caregivers, family, and friends. However, we should never force it. Children will naturally “dose” themselves as they encounter the reality of the illness in their life. In other words, they will accept the reality of their circumstances in small doses over time. They aren’t able to take all the information in at once, nor will they want to.

Answer only what the child asks. Don’t overrespond out of your own anxiety. Remember—children will determine with whom they want to share their pain. Often, a child wants to protect their parents or other close adults and will adopt a “chin up” attitude around them. This is a normal response and should be respected.

4. Watch for the Child’s Indirect Communication

Children, particularly seriously ill children, are not always direct about their thoughts and feelings. They may make statements, display behaviors, or ask questions that indirectly suggest their understanding or awareness of the situation. These cues reflect underlying needs and deserve loving responses. Pay special attention to the child’s non-verbal means of trying to communicate any needs or concerns.

5. Tune In to the Dying Child’s Emotions

Aside from the considerable physical toll terminal illness can take, dying also affects a child’s head, heart, and spirit.

While you shouldn’t guess at or make assumptions about a child’s feelings, do be aware that they may experience a variety of emotions. Fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, and loneliness are just a few of the emotions they may feel—one at a time or simultaneously.

These feelings are a natural response to serious illness. Don’t try to help the child “get over” these feelings; simply enter into their feelings and validate them.

6. Help the Dying Child Live to the Fullest

Terminal illness presents human beings with an exceedingly difficult and contradictory challenge: you are dying, you know you are dying, yet it is your nature to want to live. Dying children often feel this tension, too. If the adults around them have been honest, they understand that they will soon die, but they still want to live and laugh and play as often as they can.

Help the dying child live happily. Do what is in your power to make them comfortable. Create special, memorable moments. Don’t completely abandon your normal routine (this may make the child feel out-of-control and unprotected) but do work to make each remaining day count. Above all, spend time with them. Make sure that the people who mean the most are around as often as possible.

Four children of different ethnic backgrounds smiling while playing outside

Peer relationships are very important to children, and the illness will likely create some social and physical barriers to these friendships. When possible, nurture the child’s friendships when possible. Arrange a special party. Make play dates with one or two best friends. Help two children write letters back and forth when personal contact isn’t possible.

7. Take Advantage of Resources for the Dying

Local hospices are well-staffed and trained to help both a dying child and their family. The hospice’s mission is to help the dying die with comfort, dignity, and love, and to help survivors cope both before and after the death. Other organizations, like the Make-A-Wish Foundation, help dying children find joy in their remaining lives.

8. Support Parents and Other Important Adults in the Child’s Life

A child’s terminal illness naturally impacts everyone who loves the child. Not only should you be supportive of the child, you should also be available to support and nurture other family members and close friends through the grief and stress of the situation. The adult’s response to the illness will influence the child’s response. So, in supporting adults, you are supporting the child.

Perhaps you can be a caring companion to the family and help in practical ways. Offer to provide food for the family, wash clothes, or clean the house. Listen when they need to talk. Sit with the ill child to give parents a break. Offer to babysit the other children in the family. While words may be inadequate, your supportive behavior will be remembered forever.

9. Don’t Forget Siblings

Don’t forget the impact a dying child’s illness is having on their siblings. Because so much time and attention are focused on the dying child, his brothers and sisters may feel emotionally abandoned. Go out of your way to ensure their needs are also being met.

10. Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. During this difficult time, you may find comfort and hope in reading spiritual texts, attending religious services, or praying. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs.

A Final Word

All children, terminally ill or not, have the right to be nurtured, to be children, and to make choices that impact their lives. There is nothing more difficult for families than confronting the death of a child. As caring adults, we have a responsibility to maximize the quality of life for the child, the family, and friends. May these 10 insights help you lovingly care for each person affected by the death of a child.

*Based heavily on a brochure by Dr. Alan Wolfelt called Helping a Child Who is Dying. Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about helping children in grief. Published with permission.

May 11

Love0

The History Behind Pallbearers

By christy.kessler History of Funerals

More than likely, we’ve had pallbearers since mankind started having funerals. In other words, from the beginning of time. Certainly, they have not always been called “pallbearers,” but the function of carrying the mortal body of a person who has died to their final resting place? That duty has existed for all time. But just for curiosity’s sake, let’s talk about our modern word “pallbearer” and how it came to be.

Today’s Definition of “Pallbearer”

Today, a “pallbearer” is a person who carries the casket during a funeral service. Depending on the family’s choices and religious background, this could mean:

Carrying in and out of the church
Taking out of the church only (to the funeral car)
Carrying to the graveside
A combination of the above

Most often, there are between six and eight pallbearers. Depending on tradition or preference, the casket is either carried at the waist or hoisted to the shoulder. Both men and women can perform this meaningful responsibility as they accompany a person to their final resting place.

The Term is a Portmanteau

“Pallbearer” is actually a portmanteau. In other words, it’s the combination of two words into one. In this case, “casket bearer” and “pall” were merged into one to create “pallbearer.” The earliest use of the word in print was around 1710. But what is a pall, you may ask?

What is a Pall?

While you may not be familiar with the term “pall,” you’ve most likely seen one, whether in person or in a movie or TV show. The pall is a heavy, usually white, and sometimes ornate cloth that is draped over the casket. The use of palls still occurs today, usually with specific ethnic, religious, or fraternal backgrounds, but anyone can decide to use one. In fact, the American flag acts as a pall when it is draped over the casket of a deceased veteran or service member.

The word “pall” likely comes from the Roman word “pallium,” which referred to a person’s cape or cloak, often used in relation to a soldier. When the person died, they were covered with the cloak. Around the Middle Ages, the word “pallium” was shorted to “pall” and began to refer to a heavy cloth (rather than a cloak).

And Where Do Casket Bearers Come In?

It used to be that two sets of people participated in carrying the casket. First, there were those who carried the casket itself (casket bearers). Second, there were those who carried the pall (if there was one) and placed it over the casket. Today, because both duties have generally merged into one (the pall and the casket are carried by the same people), we now use the term “pallbearer.” Interestingly, the term has become so common that even if there is no pall, the term “pallbearer” is still used.

So, there you have it! Our modern term finds its roots in a long-held tradition of carrying a loved one to their final resting place. In some religious and family traditions, the pall is still carried separately from the casket, but for many, the two duties have been merged into one under the name “pallbearer.”

May 03

Love0

Two people holding hands across table, no faces

How to Support a Dying Friend in their Final Days

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

If you’re reading this, you have a friend who is dying, and you’re probably dealing with a lot of feelings. Facing the death of someone you care about is extremely difficult for everyone involved, but hopefully, these words will guide you toward knowing how you can help and support your friend with loving actions during their final days.

When a Friend is Dying

First, it’s important to confront the difficult reality that someone you care deeply about is dying. It may take time to accept the fact of your friend’s impending death. In some cases, it may not be until after death has occurred that you fully and finally acknowledge the reality. This is normal.

If you just aren’t ready (or able) to accept your friend’s coming death just yet, that’s okay. Instead, try to come to grips with the reality of their medical condition, if only with your head. You will later come to accept it with your heart.

Now, let’s talk about six ways you can emotionally support your friend and make their final days precious and meaningful.

1. Give the Gift of Presence

Perhaps the greatest gift you can give your dying friend is the gift of your presence. Particularly if you live nearby, you have the opportunity to demonstrate your support by being there, literally, when your friend needs you most. Visit your friend at the hospital or at home—not just once, but throughout the remainder of their days. Rent a movie and bring popcorn. Play cards or board games. Sit together and watch the snow or rain fall. Your simple presence will say to your friend, “I am willing to walk this difficult road with you and face with you whatever comes.”

Remember to respect your friend’s need for alone time, though, and realize that their deteriorating physical condition may leave them with little energy. Give your friend time alone when they need it.

2. Be a Good Listener

Your friend may want to openly discuss their illness and impending death, or they may avoid discussing it entirely. The key is to follow your friend’s lead. Keep in mind that your friend will experience this illness in their own unique way. No two journeys are the same.

Allow your friend to talk about their illness at their own pace. And while you can be a “safe harbor” for your friend to explain their thoughts and feelings, don’t force the situation if they resist. Give them space and time to think and feel what they need to think and feel.

If you listen well, you can help your friend cope during this difficult time. Both your physical presence and your desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools. Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on listening to the words your friend is sharing with you.

3. Learn About Your Friend’s Illness

It’s said that “People can cope with what they know, but they cannot cope with what they don’t know.” You will be better equipped to help your friend if you take it upon yourself to learn about their illness. Consult medical reference books at your local library. Request information from educational associations, such as the National Cancer Institute or the American Heart Association. With your friend’s consent, you might also talk to their physician.

If you educate yourself about the illness and its probable course, you will be a more understanding listener and can prepare yourself for the reality of the illness’s later stages.

4. Be Compassionate

As you spend time with your friend, give them permission to express their feelings about the illness without fear of criticism. After all, everyone needs time to vent or express what’s on the inside. But again, let your friend take the lead. Learn from your friend; don’t instruct or set expectations about how they should respond. Think of yourself as someone who “walks with” the dying person, not “behind” or “in front of” them.

Never say, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Comments like, “This is God’s will” or “Just be happy you have had a good life” are not constructive. Instead, these kinds of comments are often hurtful and may make your friend’s experience with terminal illness more difficult. If you feel the need to console your friend, simply remind them how loved they are.

5. Offer Practical Help

While your friend may have family around to help, there are many ways you can still assist with the activities of daily living. Preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house, watching the kids, or driving your friend to and from the hospital for treatment are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care. Make sure to coordinate with family members so that there’s no added stress from miscommunication.

6. Stay in Touch

If you are unable to visit your sick friend due to distance or other circumstances, write a note or make a call or send a gift or make a video. What should you say? Tell your friend how much they mean to you. Reminisce about some of the fun times you’ve shared. Promise you’ll write again soon—and then follow through on that promise. Avoid sending a generic greeting card unless you’ve personalized it with a heartfelt message.

Your friend is likely facing a lot of emotions as they journey toward death. Fear, shock, anger, sadness. No matter how they’re feeling, they need you, your love, and your friendship to make it through the coming days. Use these six actions to show your friend just how much you care and make memories that will be precious to you both.

May 03

Love0

White casket with flower spray of red roses resting in the back of a funeral car

How to Select Pallbearers

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Planning Tools

When choosing burial, there are many decisions to make, including whom to select as pallbearers. Whether you’re prearranging your funeral wishes or planning a funeral for a recently lost loved one, it’s important to select pallbearers who can fulfill their duties with poise and dependability. Let’s talk through a few things to consider as you select the pallbearers who will accompany the casket to the graveside.

What to Consider When Selecting a Pallbearer

Pallbearers (usually there are six to eight, depending on how many handles the casket possesses) are expected to carry the casket to the burial site. Sometimes this responsibility may include carrying the casket into or out of a church or venue in addition to carrying it to the funeral car or the graveside. Both men and women serve as pallbearers. As you consider whom you’d like to invite to perform this honorable duty, consider the following:

What is their relationship to the family?

In most cases, people close to the deceased are chosen to carry the casket to its final resting place. This includes friends, neighbors, adult children or grandchildren, or business associates or co-workers, to name a few. Because they are close to the person who has died, you can usually trust them to complete their duties as pallbearer with the correct amount of decorum and composure.

Do they have the physical strength required?

While you can select absolutely anyone to serve as a pallbearer, remember that a casket can weigh between 50-500 pounds just by itself. Whomever you choose, make sure they are physically able to carry their portion of the weight. You may also take height into account, especially if the casket will be lifted and carried on shoulders. If there’s someone you’d like to serve but they are unable to lift the casket, you can always ask them to serve as an honorary pallbearer and walk alongside the casket.

Are they dependable?

Though the duties are straightforward and simple, you still want to select pallbearers who are dependable and responsible. The last thing you need when you’re grieving the loss of a loved one is a flaky pallbearer. Acting as a pallbearer is an honor so choose people who will take the responsibility seriously, follow directions, and complete their duties with grace and poise.

Are they able to manage their emotions?

While it’s absolutely necessary and healthy to express feelings and emotion following the loss of a loved one, you’ll want to select pallbearers who can keep it together while performing their duties. A sudden emotional outburst could be disruptive or cause an accident that might make a sad situation even worse. Before or after their duties, all pallbearers should make sure to address their own feelings of grief, but while carrying the casket, they should do everything they can to ensure that they transport the casket safely from place to place.

Do they listen well to instructions?

While a pallbearer’s duties are often straightforward, each funeral may have personalized aspects. For some, the pallbearers carry the casket from the chapel to the funeral car and then to the graveside. For others, they may carry the casket into the venue for the service, then out to the funeral car, and then to the graveside. There may be a designated place for pallbearers to sit, a specific time to arrive, and so on. When you ask someone to serve, make sure they understand what’s expected of them and can follow through.

With these questions in mind, intentionally select the best people for this meaningful role in the funeral service. If you are unable to find pallbearers, the funeral director can help. Also, it’s a good rule of thumb to send each pallbearer a thank you note after the funeral to show your appreciation for their role in conducting your loved one to a place of final rest.