christy.kessler, Author at Funeral Basics

May 19

Focus on hands, younger person holding older person's hand in a comforting way

Grief & Self-Care After a Loved One’s Alzheimer’s Diagnosis

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

You’ve received the news that someone you love has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia. You may feel numb, in shock, or unable to process what’s happening. Or, you may have seen the signs, and it’s a relief to finally have a medical diagnosis. Whichever is the case, you probably did not expect things to turn out this way. Feelings of grief and loss are filling you as you look forward to a future forever altered. As you grapple with the grief that an Alzheimer’s or dementia diagnosis brings, we hope that these words will bring you hope and understanding for the journey ahead.

Remember that You Are Not Alone

Navigating the treacherous and emotional journey of helping someone you love live with Alzheimer’s is not easy, but it does not mean that all is lost. By focusing on the abilities your loved one retains, you may still be able to have a meaningful relationship and share joy and love. And by fully mourning and making the most of your own days, you will be living your life “on purpose,” with meaning each and every day.

Father with two adult sons laughing and enjoying time together

And even though you may feel alone on your journey, you aren’t. More than 6 million Americans are currently affected by Alzheimer’s. To care for them, more than 11 million U.S. family members and friends provide unpaid care. Their love, time, and attention help keep those affected by Alzheimer’s safe and their lives meaningful.

Whether you are a direct caregiver, or you are a family member or friend without daily caregiving responsibilities, there are so many resources available. Read books or listen to audiobooks. Research online. Talk to your loved one’s doctor. Attend a support group. Grow a support network of friends and family who are willing to share the responsibility of caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s. There’s so much out there to help if you take the time to look and engage.

You Will Experience Grief

Alzheimer’s is going to take so much from your loved one, but the losses you will experience as a caregiver, friend, or family member are also significant. You may lose the close personal relationship you had with the person you love. Your ability to do and enjoy the same things together is lost. Even the basis of the relationship may change. In many cases, children and spouses have to act more like parents. In so many ways, once that diagnosis is spoken, your expected future alters completely.

Focus on hands, younger person holding older person's hand in a comforting way

If you’re feeling sad or depressed, don’t beat yourself up for how you’re feeling. With so much change, it’s natural to feel grief and sadness.

Recognize Your Own Symptoms of Grief

As you mourn, your grief may feel complicated. In some sense you need to mourn a person who is physically present but who is becoming more and more cognitively, emotionally, socially, and spiritually absent every day. Society, your friends, and even some of your family members may not understand. Listen to your spirit and your own feelings and slow down to feel your inner pain. Only by facing the pain head-on will you be able to deal with it in a healthy way.

As you come to grips with what you’re feeling, keep your eyes open for these common symptoms of grief:

denial of the diagnosis or that the person you love is ill
periods of helplessness, despair, and depression
changes in appetite or sleeping patterns
feelings of anger or frustration toward the person with Alzheimer’s
withdrawal from social activities, friends, family, and even the person with Alzheimer’s
feelings of anxiety or confusion

Don’t Avoid Your Grief

Generally, we’ve been taught to avoid emotional pain. However, it’s only by embracing our pain and grief that we can heal our wounds.

Be wary if others are telling you how well you are doing with your “situation” or if you are not feeling much at all. Sometimes “doing well” means you are avoiding your pain, hiding your emotions, or experiencing some of the natural numbness that grief brings.

Take time to care for yourself, keep tabs on your emotions, and make time to actively mourn and express your internal feelings.

Be Kind to Yourself

You are going through a lot and you deserve kindness— from others but also from yourself. Let go of any self-doubt you may feel. You are doing the best you can. Remember to eat nutritiously, get enough sleep, exercise regularly, and do things that help you relax and be at peace.

Mother and adult daughter sitting on couch together, talking and lighthearted

Also, take time to celebrate, even the small successes. If you are the primary caregiver, say “Good job!” to yourself when you successfully get your loved one dressed with no emotional outbursts. If you are a friend or family member who does not have day-to-day caregiving responsibilities, feel good about the times when you’re able to offer your help and love.

Ask for and Accept Help

While you may feel the need to shoulder everything on your own, you need and deserve ongoing love and support. Don’t expect yourself to do everything or to handle your grief alone. That’s too much for one person. You need to talk through what you’re experiencing with people you trust. You will also need help with chores at home, medical appointments, finances, and many other things.

Ask your friends and family for their support and patience. Those who love and care for you truly want to help. Additionally, you can also phone the Alzheimer’s Disease Education and Referral Center at no charge (1-800-438-4380) or email them ([email protected]).

Join Your Loved One

It can be tempting to write off people with an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. Instead, look your loved one in the eye, and talk to them directly. Join them where they are. Don’t get upset if your loved one makes mistakes (because they will). At times, your loved one will try hard to compensate for any cognitive losses. Join them in this effort.

To allow your person to function as fully as possible, empower them and avoid limiting them. Encourage their involvement in support groups and consider joining one yourself. Talking to others can help you both navigate the maze of Alzheimer’s.

Recognize that Respect and Love Endure

At times you may doubt, but remember, respect and love can endure throughout the progression of the disease. Alzheimer’s may take away a person’s memory, but it does not take away their soul. And even though your loved one may be confused and not even recognize you, at the heart, they still love you and appreciate the care you have given.

Man and woman walking on a green path outside, arms around each other's waist

Do you believe that there is a soul that transcends the physical body? If you do, then you can find comfort in knowing that your loved one’s soul is eternal and the person you love lives on, unharmed by the disease. And that is where their love for you lives, too.

Caring for a loved one with an Alzheimer’s diagnosis is going to stretch you in ways you never expected or wanted. Just remember, you can do this. Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Embrace the good and process through the bad. You’ve got this.

*Content based on a brochure by Dr. Alan Wolfelt.

May 11

Love0

Father holding daughter's hand as they walk outside

10 Ways to Emotionally Support a Dying Child (and Their Family)

By christy.kessler Children, Grief/Loss, Hospice

A child you care about is dying. You want to offer your love and care, but you’re not sure how to go about it. Whether you are a parent, friend, or caregiver, may this guide help you turn your care and concern into action.

When a Child is Dying

In our hearts, we all believe that children aren’t supposed to die. As much as we wish otherwise, the sad truth is that children do die. Confronting this difficult reality is the first step you can take toward helping a dying child. It’s going to take time, so for now, try to accept the reality of the child’s medical condition, if only with your head. You will later come to accept it with your heart.

Little boy in bed checking his teddy bear's heartbeat with a stethoscope

As you navigate through a heartbreaking situation, may these 10 insights serve as a guide to loving a child (and their family) through one of life’s most difficult times…the loss of a child.

1. Don’t Underestimate the Child’s Capacity to Understand

Children have the capacity to understand more than we give them credit for. Like adults, they deserve our respect and compassion—and our honesty. Sometimes adults, in an effort to protect themselves, assume that children are incapable of understanding or should be protected from the truth. These adults often don’t talk directly to dying children about their prognoses, which can leave the children feeling alone and isolated.

Children can cope with what they know. They can’t cope with what they don’t know. Dying children deserve an atmosphere that creates open, two-way communication. Many terminally ill children will go back and forth between wanting to know details about their illness and not wanting to acknowledge they are even sick. It is critical to follow the child’s lead. Always listen first as you participate in open dialogue about any feelings, concerns, or questions they might have. If they ask something and you don’t know the answer, simply say, “I don’t know.”

2. Be Honest with the Child About Their Coming Death

As the child comes to comprehend their illness and its severity, explain to them that they will likely die, making sure to use language they will understand. The conversation may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but honest love is what a dying child needs most.

Depending on their age and developmental maturity, they may not immediately (or ever) fully understand what their illness means. But they will begin to incorporate the notion of death into their remaining life and will have the opportunity to think about it and ask questions. They will also have the privilege of saying goodbye.

Do not try to protect the child by lying about their condition. If a dying child is told they are going to get better but everyone around is acting down and defeated, they will notice. This may make the child feel confused, frustrated, and perhaps angry.

Instead, show your love and respect by being honest and open with them and helping them understand that they are dying.

3. Encourage Open Communication, But Do Not Force It

As caring adults, we should encourage honest communication between the child, caregivers, family, and friends. However, we should never force it. Children will naturally “dose” themselves as they encounter the reality of the illness in their life. In other words, they will accept the reality of their circumstances in small doses over time. They aren’t able to take all the information in at once, nor will they want to.

Answer only what the child asks. Don’t overrespond out of your own anxiety. Remember—children will determine with whom they want to share their pain. Often, a child wants to protect their parents or other close adults and will adopt a “chin up” attitude around them. This is a normal response and should be respected.

4. Watch for the Child’s Indirect Communication

Children, particularly seriously ill children, are not always direct about their thoughts and feelings. They may make statements, display behaviors, or ask questions that indirectly suggest their understanding or awareness of the situation. These cues reflect underlying needs and deserve loving responses. Pay special attention to the child’s non-verbal means of trying to communicate any needs or concerns.

5. Tune In to the Dying Child’s Emotions

Aside from the considerable physical toll terminal illness can take, dying also affects a child’s head, heart, and spirit.

While you shouldn’t guess at or make assumptions about a child’s feelings, do be aware that they may experience a variety of emotions. Fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, and loneliness are just a few of the emotions they may feel—one at a time or simultaneously.

These feelings are a natural response to serious illness. Don’t try to help the child “get over” these feelings; simply enter into their feelings and validate them.

6. Help the Dying Child Live to the Fullest

Terminal illness presents human beings with an exceedingly difficult and contradictory challenge: you are dying, you know you are dying, yet it is your nature to want to live. Dying children often feel this tension, too. If the adults around them have been honest, they understand that they will soon die, but they still want to live and laugh and play as often as they can.

Help the dying child live happily. Do what is in your power to make them comfortable. Create special, memorable moments. Don’t completely abandon your normal routine (this may make the child feel out-of-control and unprotected) but do work to make each remaining day count. Above all, spend time with them. Make sure that the people who mean the most are around as often as possible.

Four children of different ethnic backgrounds smiling while playing outside

Peer relationships are very important to children, and the illness will likely create some social and physical barriers to these friendships. When possible, nurture the child’s friendships when possible. Arrange a special party. Make play dates with one or two best friends. Help two children write letters back and forth when personal contact isn’t possible.

7. Take Advantage of Resources for the Dying

Local hospices are well-staffed and trained to help both a dying child and their family. The hospice’s mission is to help the dying die with comfort, dignity, and love, and to help survivors cope both before and after the death. Other organizations, like the Make-A-Wish Foundation, help dying children find joy in their remaining lives.

8. Support Parents and Other Important Adults in the Child’s Life

A child’s terminal illness naturally impacts everyone who loves the child. Not only should you be supportive of the child, you should also be available to support and nurture other family members and close friends through the grief and stress of the situation. The adult’s response to the illness will influence the child’s response. So, in supporting adults, you are supporting the child.

Perhaps you can be a caring companion to the family and help in practical ways. Offer to provide food for the family, wash clothes, or clean the house. Listen when they need to talk. Sit with the ill child to give parents a break. Offer to babysit the other children in the family. While words may be inadequate, your supportive behavior will be remembered forever.

9. Don’t Forget Siblings

Don’t forget the impact a dying child’s illness is having on their siblings. Because so much time and attention are focused on the dying child, his brothers and sisters may feel emotionally abandoned. Go out of your way to ensure their needs are also being met.

10. Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. During this difficult time, you may find comfort and hope in reading spiritual texts, attending religious services, or praying. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs.

A Final Word

All children, terminally ill or not, have the right to be nurtured, to be children, and to make choices that impact their lives. There is nothing more difficult for families than confronting the death of a child. As caring adults, we have a responsibility to maximize the quality of life for the child, the family, and friends. May these 10 insights help you lovingly care for each person affected by the death of a child.

*Based heavily on a brochure by Dr. Alan Wolfelt called Helping a Child Who is Dying. Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about helping children in grief. Published with permission.

May 11

Love0

The History Behind Pallbearers

By christy.kessler History of Funerals

More than likely, we’ve had pallbearers since mankind started having funerals. In other words, from the beginning of time. Certainly, they have not always been called “pallbearers,” but the function of carrying the mortal body of a person who has died to their final resting place? That duty has existed for all time. But just for curiosity’s sake, let’s talk about our modern word “pallbearer” and how it came to be.

Today’s Definition of “Pallbearer”

Today, a “pallbearer” is a person who carries the casket during a funeral service. Depending on the family’s choices and religious background, this could mean:

Carrying in and out of the church
Taking out of the church only (to the funeral car)
Carrying to the graveside
A combination of the above

Most often, there are between six and eight pallbearers. Depending on tradition or preference, the casket is either carried at the waist or hoisted to the shoulder. Both men and women can perform this meaningful responsibility as they accompany a person to their final resting place.

The Term is a Portmanteau

“Pallbearer” is actually a portmanteau. In other words, it’s the combination of two words into one. In this case, “casket bearer” and “pall” were merged into one to create “pallbearer.” The earliest use of the word in print was around 1710. But what is a pall, you may ask?

What is a Pall?

While you may not be familiar with the term “pall,” you’ve most likely seen one, whether in person or in a movie or TV show. The pall is a heavy, usually white, and sometimes ornate cloth that is draped over the casket. The use of palls still occurs today, usually with specific ethnic, religious, or fraternal backgrounds, but anyone can decide to use one. In fact, the American flag acts as a pall when it is draped over the casket of a deceased veteran or service member.

The word “pall” likely comes from the Roman word “pallium,” which referred to a person’s cape or cloak, often used in relation to a soldier. When the person died, they were covered with the cloak. Around the Middle Ages, the word “pallium” was shorted to “pall” and began to refer to a heavy cloth (rather than a cloak).

And Where Do Casket Bearers Come In?

It used to be that two sets of people participated in carrying the casket. First, there were those who carried the casket itself (casket bearers). Second, there were those who carried the pall (if there was one) and placed it over the casket. Today, because both duties have generally merged into one (the pall and the casket are carried by the same people), we now use the term “pallbearer.” Interestingly, the term has become so common that even if there is no pall, the term “pallbearer” is still used.

So, there you have it! Our modern term finds its roots in a long-held tradition of carrying a loved one to their final resting place. In some religious and family traditions, the pall is still carried separately from the casket, but for many, the two duties have been merged into one under the name “pallbearer.”

May 03

Love0

Two people holding hands across table, no faces

How to Support a Dying Friend in their Final Days

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

If you’re reading this, you have a friend who is dying, and you’re probably dealing with a lot of feelings. Facing the death of someone you care about is extremely difficult for everyone involved, but hopefully, these words will guide you toward knowing how you can help and support your friend with loving actions during their final days.

When a Friend is Dying

First, it’s important to confront the difficult reality that someone you care deeply about is dying. It may take time to accept the fact of your friend’s impending death. In some cases, it may not be until after death has occurred that you fully and finally acknowledge the reality. This is normal.

If you just aren’t ready (or able) to accept your friend’s coming death just yet, that’s okay. Instead, try to come to grips with the reality of their medical condition, if only with your head. You will later come to accept it with your heart.

Now, let’s talk about six ways you can emotionally support your friend and make their final days precious and meaningful.

1. Give the Gift of Presence

Perhaps the greatest gift you can give your dying friend is the gift of your presence. Particularly if you live nearby, you have the opportunity to demonstrate your support by being there, literally, when your friend needs you most. Visit your friend at the hospital or at home—not just once, but throughout the remainder of their days. Rent a movie and bring popcorn. Play cards or board games. Sit together and watch the snow or rain fall. Your simple presence will say to your friend, “I am willing to walk this difficult road with you and face with you whatever comes.”

Remember to respect your friend’s need for alone time, though, and realize that their deteriorating physical condition may leave them with little energy. Give your friend time alone when they need it.

2. Be a Good Listener

Your friend may want to openly discuss their illness and impending death, or they may avoid discussing it entirely. The key is to follow your friend’s lead. Keep in mind that your friend will experience this illness in their own unique way. No two journeys are the same.

Allow your friend to talk about their illness at their own pace. And while you can be a “safe harbor” for your friend to explain their thoughts and feelings, don’t force the situation if they resist. Give them space and time to think and feel what they need to think and feel.

If you listen well, you can help your friend cope during this difficult time. Both your physical presence and your desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools. Don’t worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on listening to the words your friend is sharing with you.

3. Learn About Your Friend’s Illness

It’s said that “People can cope with what they know, but they cannot cope with what they don’t know.” You will be better equipped to help your friend if you take it upon yourself to learn about their illness. Consult medical reference books at your local library. Request information from educational associations, such as the National Cancer Institute or the American Heart Association. With your friend’s consent, you might also talk to their physician.

If you educate yourself about the illness and its probable course, you will be a more understanding listener and can prepare yourself for the reality of the illness’s later stages.

4. Be Compassionate

As you spend time with your friend, give them permission to express their feelings about the illness without fear of criticism. After all, everyone needs time to vent or express what’s on the inside. But again, let your friend take the lead. Learn from your friend; don’t instruct or set expectations about how they should respond. Think of yourself as someone who “walks with” the dying person, not “behind” or “in front of” them.

Never say, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Comments like, “This is God’s will” or “Just be happy you have had a good life” are not constructive. Instead, these kinds of comments are often hurtful and may make your friend’s experience with terminal illness more difficult. If you feel the need to console your friend, simply remind them how loved they are.

5. Offer Practical Help

While your friend may have family around to help, there are many ways you can still assist with the activities of daily living. Preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house, watching the kids, or driving your friend to and from the hospital for treatment are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care. Make sure to coordinate with family members so that there’s no added stress from miscommunication.

6. Stay in Touch

If you are unable to visit your sick friend due to distance or other circumstances, write a note or make a call or send a gift or make a video. What should you say? Tell your friend how much they mean to you. Reminisce about some of the fun times you’ve shared. Promise you’ll write again soon—and then follow through on that promise. Avoid sending a generic greeting card unless you’ve personalized it with a heartfelt message.

Your friend is likely facing a lot of emotions as they journey toward death. Fear, shock, anger, sadness. No matter how they’re feeling, they need you, your love, and your friendship to make it through the coming days. Use these six actions to show your friend just how much you care and make memories that will be precious to you both.

May 03

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White casket with flower spray of red roses resting in the back of a funeral car

How to Select Pallbearers

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Planning Tools

When choosing burial, there are many decisions to make, including whom to select as pallbearers. Whether you’re prearranging your funeral wishes or planning a funeral for a recently lost loved one, it’s important to select pallbearers who can fulfill their duties with poise and dependability. Let’s talk through a few things to consider as you select the pallbearers who will accompany the casket to the graveside.

What to Consider When Selecting a Pallbearer

Pallbearers (usually there are six to eight, depending on how many handles the casket possesses) are expected to carry the casket to the burial site. Sometimes this responsibility may include carrying the casket into or out of a church or venue in addition to carrying it to the funeral car or the graveside. Both men and women serve as pallbearers. As you consider whom you’d like to invite to perform this honorable duty, consider the following:

What is their relationship to the family?

In most cases, people close to the deceased are chosen to carry the casket to its final resting place. This includes friends, neighbors, adult children or grandchildren, or business associates or co-workers, to name a few. Because they are close to the person who has died, you can usually trust them to complete their duties as pallbearer with the correct amount of decorum and composure.

Do they have the physical strength required?

While you can select absolutely anyone to serve as a pallbearer, remember that a casket can weigh between 50-500 pounds just by itself. Whomever you choose, make sure they are physically able to carry their portion of the weight. You may also take height into account, especially if the casket will be lifted and carried on shoulders. If there’s someone you’d like to serve but they are unable to lift the casket, you can always ask them to serve as an honorary pallbearer and walk alongside the casket.

Are they dependable?

Though the duties are straightforward and simple, you still want to select pallbearers who are dependable and responsible. The last thing you need when you’re grieving the loss of a loved one is a flaky pallbearer. Acting as a pallbearer is an honor so choose people who will take the responsibility seriously, follow directions, and complete their duties with grace and poise.

Are they able to manage their emotions?

While it’s absolutely necessary and healthy to express feelings and emotion following the loss of a loved one, you’ll want to select pallbearers who can keep it together while performing their duties. A sudden emotional outburst could be disruptive or cause an accident that might make a sad situation even worse. Before or after their duties, all pallbearers should make sure to address their own feelings of grief, but while carrying the casket, they should do everything they can to ensure that they transport the casket safely from place to place.

Do they listen well to instructions?

While a pallbearer’s duties are often straightforward, each funeral may have personalized aspects. For some, the pallbearers carry the casket from the chapel to the funeral car and then to the graveside. For others, they may carry the casket into the venue for the service, then out to the funeral car, and then to the graveside. There may be a designated place for pallbearers to sit, a specific time to arrive, and so on. When you ask someone to serve, make sure they understand what’s expected of them and can follow through.

With these questions in mind, intentionally select the best people for this meaningful role in the funeral service. If you are unable to find pallbearers, the funeral director can help. Also, it’s a good rule of thumb to send each pallbearer a thank you note after the funeral to show your appreciation for their role in conducting your loved one to a place of final rest.

Apr 29

Love0

Sad husband and wife comforting each other

A Mourning Father’s Bill of Rights

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

Losing a child, no matter their age, is a heart-wrenching loss. Everything changes. As a father, you may feel like you let your child, your spouse/partner, your entire family down. You may feel like it was part of your role as a father to protect your child, and now you’re questioning everything. You may blame yourself (or someone else) for what happened. In your mind, you may replay the events that led to your child’s death again and again. Some days, you may even feel like you’re going crazy. But you’re not crazy – you’re grieving.

As you grieve and work to come to grips with what has happened and how you can move forward, remember that there’s no timeline for grief. You may be tempted to either give in to grief or to push it away and tamp it down as you seek to “be strong” for your family. Try not to give into either of these extremes. Instead, allow yourself to grieve, and don’t rush the process either. As you walk through your own personal grief journey, as you mourn the loss of a child who carried many hopes and dreams, remember these things:

You have the right to grieve

As tempting as it may be to push down your feelings, let yourself be sad. Grief is directly related to love. Because you’re a father and you love your child, you will grieve the loss. It’s normal and natural. No one else will grieve this loss exactly the way you do or have the same cherished memories. Take the time you need to truly mourn – to let the pain out – so that you can honor your child’s life and keep your memories together close to your heart.

If you find yourself getting stuck in your grief or having trouble functioning from day to day, you may have developed complicated grief. If you are unable to focus on anything except your child’s death, feel numb or that life has no purpose, or have trouble carrying out normal routines like personal hygiene, consider talking with a professional to help you sort through your emotions so that you can begin to heal.

You have the right to talk about what’s happened

Talking about your grief will help you heal. You may feel the need to sideline your own grief as you help your spouse/partner or other children but try not to minimize your own feelings. Instead, enter into your grief alongside your family – they need to know the death hurts you, too.

For one father, it will be easy to talk, while for another, it will be very difficult. Find people you trust or another father who has experienced a similar loss and talk with them. Share the weight of your grief. You don’t have to walk through this journey alone – you can invite others in.

You have the right to feel the loss in your own unique way

As a father, you’re going to feel a lot of different emotions. Shock, denial, confusion, yearning, guilt, sadness, depression, to name a few. None of these are wrong. They are all normal. In fact, there’s no “right” way to grieve. For every one of us, the experience is different.

Depending on the age of your child, you may be dealing with guilt or blame. You may be angry at yourself for not watching your child more closely, for allowing them to participate in an activity, for not being there. Or similarly, you may blame your spouse/partner for these things. It’s okay to feel this way, but in order to find a way to live again, you will need to process through these emotions.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally recognized grief counselor, author, and educator says: “You might have the urge to ‘keep your chin up’ and stay busy and wait to ‘get over’ your grief. Yet, ironically, the only way to help these hard feelings pass is to wade in the muck of them. To get in and get dirty. Grief isn’t clean, tidy, or convenient. Yet feeling it and expressing it is the only way to feel whole, once again.”

So, embrace whatever it is that you feel – don’t push it away. Even though you may want to ignore it or push it away, you must go through the pain in order to move toward healing and reconciliation. And even though you may not believe it right now, you need and deserve healing.

NOTE: If you do feel that your spouse/partner is in some way to blame for the death of your child, don’t keep those feelings bottled up inside. If you can talk it out peaceably together, do that. However, if you need a mediator, find an objective person (like a counselor or therapist) to help you talk things through.

You have the right to feel wiped out, physically and emotionally

Grief is hard work, but the trauma of losing a child is even more so. You may find it hard to sleep, leading you to feel tired or overwhelmed. Some people even experience physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, and weight loss or gain. Please know – this is a natural reaction. Your body is in distress, the same as your mind and heart. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Be kind to yourself as you grieve the loss of your child.

You have the right to grieve differently than your spouse/partner

Because we’re all different, no two people will grieve in the exact same way. While your grief may look different than your spouse/partner’s grief, it doesn’t mean you aren’t both grieving. Give each other space and grace to grieve differently. And move toward each other, rather than away, as you process this profound loss in your lives.

Stereotypically, men are thought to be less emotional, and therefore, not as deeply affected by loss. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Our society puts certain unfair expectations on men (i.e. men who cry are weak, etc.), but don’t fall into these lies with your spouse/partner. As a father, it’s so important to model healthy grieving and let your family see that you are also deeply affected by the loss. Being open and vulnerable allows you to all grieve together.

You have the right to experience “grief bursts”

The powerful surge of emotion can be scary, but it’s normal and natural. When these bursts happen, honor and acknowledge them; don’t suppress them. Find someone who understands and will let you talk out what you’re feeling.

You have the right to participate in healing actions

Sometimes, in order to heal, you will need to do more than talk – you need to act. At the funeral or memorial service, share your cherished memories. Mark your child’s birthday in some way. Talk about your deceased child with your spouse/partner and other children. Discuss as a family what you can do to honor your child’s memory. Write to your child on their birthday or on special occasions to share how much you miss them.

Man laying teddy bear at grave

These are all acts of mourning – the outward expression of your internal grief. As hard as it is to believe, as you do the work of grief and participate in healing actions, you will find a way to move forward. You will never forget your child – nor should you – but you can find the path toward a good life for yourself, your spouse, and your living children.

You have the right to embrace your spirituality

Right now, your faith is either sustaining you, or it’s feeling shaky. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. If you are a person of faith, find ways to express it that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings. Pray. Meditate. Journal. Share what you’re feeling with God; he’s big enough and loving enough to accept and understand whatever you’re feeling, even if it’s anger toward him.

You have the right to treasure your memories

Do you remember the moment you found out you were going to be a father? The first time you held your son or daughter? As a father, you have some very special and unique memories that no one else has. Every child needs a father’s love, so your memories are precious, unique, and worth treasuring.

You could collect keepsakes – photos, favorite toys or clothing items, something special between you and your child, etc. Write your thoughts and feelings down. Have a piece of jewelry made to wear in remembrance. Start a tradition that brings you comfort. Talk about your child openly, not only to express your own feelings in a healthy way but to allow your spouse/partner and children the same opportunity.

You have the right to move toward your grief and heal

While you may be dealing with guilt, shame, blame, or regret right now, remember that you do have the right to grieve and to heal. Dr. Wolfelt tells us that we never get over a death; instead, we learn to reconcile ourselves to the loss. He states, “Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future…. The unfolding of this journey is not intended to create a return to an ‘old normal’ but the discovery of a ‘new normal.’”

man and woman walking down an outdoor path

The journey ahead is not going to be easy. The loss you’ve suffered is significant and heartbreaking. As you grapple with the loss, grieve in whatever way you need so that you and your family can find healing, peace, and reconciliation.

*Adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.

Apr 21

Love0

Older couple standing next to car looking lovingly at each other

Protecting Your Family If Death Occurs Away from Home

By christy.kessler Explore Options, Plan Ahead

If you’re like many of us, you spend quite a bit of time traveling out of town. You may not be getting on a plane every time you travel, but you are probably traveling away from home frequently on the weekends and holidays, in addition to vacations. Perhaps you visit family, take day trips, go to out-of-town medical appointments, or head to the big city for a day of shopping. But what if something unexpected happened while you or a family member were out of town? Would your family be prepared to handle everything if death occurs away from home?

Challenges Your Family May Face

An untimely and unexpected death can bring many challenges for loved ones, especially if that loss is complicated by having to work with out-of-town funeral providers to get your loved one back home. Here are just a few of the challenges that loved ones may face:

1. Out-of-Pocket Transportation Costs

When a family calls to notify the funeral home that a loved one has died, a funeral home staff member could travel a specified distance to pick up the deceased without charge. However, the distance and possible fees will depend on the funeral home. If a loved one dies hundreds, or even thousands, of miles away from home, the family will have to pay for transportation of the body, which can add up quickly, even if prearrangements have already been made for burial or cremation.

2. Missed Opportunities for a Full Funeral Experience

With the added cost to transport a loved one home, families in this situation may be forced to make choices that change the meaningful celebration of life or memorial service they had planned to have. The proceeds from a prearranged funeral plan may even need to be reallocated to cover transportation costs, which means that other areas of the plan would have to be reduced to offset the added costs.

Because the funeral or memorial service is essential for helping loved ones grieve and receive love and support from their community, when a service is omitted, everyone – family, friends, co-workers, neighbors – misses out on the opportunity to pay their respects and say that final farewell.

3. Lack of Closure if Cremation Takes Place Away from Home

To save on costs, a family may be tempted to cremate the body at the place of death. While this may feel like the best option at the time, it may not be the best decision because it can rob the family of the opportunity to see a loved one’s body one last time before burial or cremation. A cremation without a viewing prior can leave some family members feeling a lack of closure.

So, What Can You Do to Protect Your Family?

1. Set Aside Funds for Funeral and Transportation Costs

If your family is able, start setting aside funds now for the “just in case” situations. If you want to travel to your heart’s content without worries, putting aside money for both your final tribute and any associated costs (like possible transportation) will give both you and your loved ones peace of mind. Just make sure that the funds are easily accessible to your next of kin should you die unexpectedly. If you do not, your family may not be able to use your assets for funeral expenses until after probate.

2. Plan Ahead for Your Burial or Cremation Wishes

Another big thing you can do to protect your family is to plan ahead for your final wishes. By putting your wishes in writing, you give your family a roadmap to understanding how you want your life honored and remembered.

So many families feel lost and uncertain after the loss of a loved one because they have no idea what their loved one wanted. Burial or cremation? Visitation? Gathering? Families often have more questions than answers, and they may even disagree with each other on what to do. These disagreements can make an already stressful time even harder. By putting your wishes in writing, you remove the mystery and the chance of disagreements.

Mature man and wife sitting at table signing documents

Additionally, it’s valuable to take it one step further and talk with a funeral home about a prepaid funeral plan. By doing so, you ensure that you’ve covered the cost of the service you want, and your family won’t have to worry about a thing. Then, if death does occur away from home, they only have to consider transportation costs.

NOTE: You may be planning to use a life insurance policy to pay for final expenses, but please know, a life insurance company may not pay the policy in time for the funeral. Click here to learn more.

3. Consider a Travel Protection Plan

To provide your family with the highest level of protection, you should consider two things: 1) preplan and prepay for your funeral wishes, and 2) sign up for a travel protection plan.

Companies like APASI (American Pre-arrangement Services, Inc.) offer travel protection plans for an extremely reasonable price (often just a few hundred dollars). With a travel protection plan like this one, no matter where death occurs, the company will cover the cost of embalming and transporting the body back home, and your family won’t have to pay a cent.

NOTE: If you elect to sign up with APASI or a similar service at a different company, make sure to familiarize yourself with their policies.

People standing in line at the airport

By doing these three things (or a combination of them), you can dramatically reduce the financial burden and added stress your family would feel if death occurs away from home.

4. Don’t Forget about Bereavement Flights

If a death occurs away from home, loved ones may need to fly in to take care of service details and attend the funeral or memorial. Most last-minute fares are expensive, and seats can be full so close to the departure date. However, some airlines offer bereavement flights, which give a greater level of flexibility to those traveling due to loss.

Bereavement Flight Details

Please note that a bereavement fare may not be the best deal out there. First, check out the current cost of a standard flight. This will give you a ballpark for how much a flight would typically cost. Then, armed with that knowledge, call the different airlines to determine if a bereavement fare is actually a better deal for you. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t.

A few things to remember:

Each airline has their own policy for what qualifies as a bereavement. In most cases, the person who has died must be an immediate family member (the specific airline determines this definition). For some airlines, it may include aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews, but for others, it may not.
Be prepared to provide documentation that shows proof of the death (death certificate, obituary, etc.).
And finally, you must book a bereavement flight over the phone to make arrangements.

With these items in mind, let’s review the airlines that still currently offer bereavement fares.

Air Canada: Call 1-888-247-2262. You can read Air Canada’s full bereavement policy here.

Alaska Airlines: Call 1-800-252-7522. You can read Alaska Airlines’ full bereavement policy here.

Delta Airlines: To book a domestic flight, call 1-800-221-1212. For international flights, call 1-800-241-4141. You can read Delta Airlines’ full bereavement policy here.

WestJet: Call 1-888-937-8538. You can read WestJet’s full bereavement policy here.

Lufthansa: For those with family members living in Europe, Lufthansa may be a good option to pursue. To find out more details, contact Lufthansa directly at 1-800-645-3880.

With this information in hand, you can make the decisions that make the most sense for your family. Put a plan in place today that will protect your family and ensure that they are taken care of – financially and emotionally – after you’re gone.

Apr 15

Love0

Mature woman and adult daughter sad together

A Mourning Mother’s Bill of Rights

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

As a mother, losing a child is a heart-wrenching loss. Everything changes. You may question your choices as a mother or even your ability to parent. You may blame yourself (or someone else) for what happened. In your mind, you may replay the events that led to your child’s death again and again. Some days, you may even feel like you’re going crazy. But you’re not crazy – you’re grieving.

As you grieve and work to come to grips with what has happened and how you can move forward, remember that there’s no timeline for grief. There is no need to rush the process. As you walk through your own personal grief journey, as you mourn the loss of a child who carried so many hopes and dreams, remember these things:

You have the right to grieve

Grief is directly related to love. Because you are a mother and you loved your child, you will grieve the loss like no one else. You carried this child within you. Held them in your arms and tucked them in at night. You also cherished hopes and dreams for your child that are now unfulfilled. The gaping hole left behind will need time to heal.

Keep in mind that mothers tend to take care of everyone else before they take care of themselves. Remember: you have a right to grieve and to focus on your own healing. If you find yourself getting stuck in your grief or having trouble functioning from day to day, you may have developed complicated grief. If you are unable to focus on anything except your child’s death, feel numb or that life has no purpose, or have trouble carrying out normal routines, consider talking with a professional to help you sort through your emotions so that you can get on the road to healing.

You have the right to talk about what you’ve been through

Talking about your grief will help you heal. For one mother, it will be easy to talk, while another mother, it will be very difficult. Find people you trust or other mothers who have experienced a similar loss and talk with them. Share the weight of your grief. You don’t have to walk through this journey alone – you can invite others in.

At times, you won’t feel like talking, and that’s okay. Listen to your needs but don’t give up on expressing what’s going on inside. Ignoring, suppressing, or bottling up your emotions won’t make them go away. In fact, it often makes them more powerful and more likely to negatively affect you down the road.

You have the right to feel what you feel

Losing a child is going to bring out many different emotions in you as a mother. Shock, denial, confusion, yearning, guilt, sadness, depression, to name a few. None of these are wrong. They are all normal. In fact, there’s no “right” way to grieve. For every one of us, the experience is different.

You have the right to be tired, physically and emotionally

Grief is hard work. You may find it hard to sleep, and as a result, feel tired and overwhelmed. If you are mother to other children, caring for them may also drain your energy. In some cases, people even experience physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, and weight loss or gain. Please know – this is a natural reaction. The body is in distress, the same as the mind and heart. Respect what your body and mind are telling you, especially if you have other children who need you during this difficult time. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Be kind to yourself as you grieve the loss of your child.

You have the right to grieve differently than your spouse/partner

Since there’s no “right” way to grieve, it stands to reason that no two people will grieve in the exact same way. But just because your grief and your spouse/partner’s grief don’t look the same doesn’t mean you aren’t both grieving. Give your spouse/partner space and grace to grieve differently. You’re both hurting – that is a certainty.

You may feel that your spouse is in some way to blame for the death of your child. If this is you, don’t keep those feelings bottled up inside. If you can talk it out peaceably together, do that. However, if you need a mediator, find an objective person (like a counselor or therapist) to help you talk things through.

You have the right to experience “grief bursts”

At times, the feelings of grief are going to appear suddenly and overwhelmingly. This is called a “grief burst.” It could be triggered by many things. You breathe in your child’s smell. Around the house, you find a photo from a favorite day. You realize that your child will never graduate, marry, have grandchildren, etc. A special day arrives, like a birthday, graduation day, or the holiday season. The powerful surge of emotion can be scary, but it’s normal and natural. When these bursts happen, honor and acknowledge them; don’t suppress them. Find someone who understands and will let you talk out what you’re feeling.

You have the right to participate in healing actions

Sometimes, in order to heal, you will need to do more than talk – you need to act. At the funeral or memorial service, share your cherished memories. Create a memory album. Mark your child’s birthday in some way. Talk about your deceased child with your spouse/partner and other children. Discuss as a family what you can do to honor your child’s memory. Write to your child on their birthday or on special occasions to share how much you miss them.

You have the right to embrace your spirituality

Right now, your faith is either sustaining you, or it’s feeling shaky. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. If you are a person of faith, find ways to express it that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings. Pray. Meditate. Journal. Talk to other moms. Share what you’re feeling with God; he’s big enough and loving enough to accept and understand whatever you’re feeling, even if it’s anger toward him.

You have the right to treasure your memories

As a mother, you have some very special and unique memories that no one else has. A mother’s love is unique and special, so you must find ways to treasure your memories.

You could collect keepsakes – photos, handmade items, favorite toys or clothing items, etc. – and create a memory box or scrapbook. Write your thoughts and feelings down. Have a piece of jewelry made to wear in remembrance. Start a tradition that brings you comfort. Talk about your child openly, not only to get your own feelings out but to allow your spouse/partner and children the same opportunity.

You have the right to move toward your grief and heal

Young woman thinking as she sits beside lake

Moms, the journey ahead is not going to be easy. The loss you’ve suffered is significant and heartbreaking. As you grapple with the loss, grieve in whatever way you need so that you and your family can find healing, peace, and reconciliation.

*Adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.

Apr 01

Love0

Grandparents, Your Grief Matters Too

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

In so many ways, a grandparent’s grief following the loss of a grandchild is overlooked and unacknowledged. We all instantly think of mom, dad, and siblings, but more often than not, grandparents and their grief are forgotten. Today, we’re here to say that grandparent grief matters, too. No matter how old your grandchild was, your grief is real, legitimate, and deserving of support and love.

As a grieving grandparent:

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief

In so many ways, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You feel a deep sense of grief and loss over the death of your beloved grandchild, and you also feel a responsibility to help your own adult child through their own loss. By all means, help your adult child as much as you can through this devastating loss, but don’t forget that your own grief is real and not something you have to push aside.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief

While it’s true that you aren’t the parent, you’ve still suffered a deep loss. One of the most common and beneficial ways to process grief is talking about what you feel. Just because you are in a unique position doesn’t mean you have to stay silent about what you feel. Don’t bottle it up. Perhaps your adult child needs to know that this loss has devastated you as much as it has them.

3. You have the right to feel what you feel

Grief brings out a wide variety of emotions, and you have a right to feel them. You may feel sad, angry, shocked, or even guilty. There may be a very deep sense that the death of your grandchild is unnatural and unfair, which is true. All of these are normal emotional responses to the death of someone you love, and they are a healthy reaction to the loss you’ve suffered.

4. You have the right to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally

As we age, our energy levels decrease, so you may have noticed that you have less energy than you did when you were younger. That said, grief takes a mental, emotional, and physical toll on you. Your inclination may be to help your adult child as much as possible, but make sure to also take stock of your own physical and emotional needs. If you need a nap, take a nap. If you need a brain break, take it. Do what is needed to give yourself as much energy as possible so that you can face the grief journey ahead while also offering a helping hand and caring heart to your grieving adult child.

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts”

There will be times when an unexpected wave of grief will come over you. This is called a griefburst. It can feel frightening, but don’t worry, it’s normal. And even though you may feel that your loss isn’t as significant as your adult child’s, try not to compare losses. Everyone is hurting, and you have the right to grieve, too.

6. You have the right to participate in healing rituals

After losing someone you love, participating in healing rituals helps you take that first step in the grief journey. By honoring and remembering life, you take time to cherish your memories and share them with others. As a grandparent, you have as much right as other family members to find comfort in your memories and dreams.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality

For many people, faith serves as an anchor during the tumultuous seasons of life. If you are a person of faith, then fall back on your habits to help you cope with your grief. Meditate. Pray. Sing songs. Write. There is comfort in God’s arms, and you have the right to seek refuge there.

8. You have the right to search for meaning

Especially following the loss of a child, you may find yourself asking, “Why did this happen? Why couldn’t it have been me instead?” It’s natural to ask questions and to search for meaning in the loss. Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. Regardless, searching for meaning is a natural part of the grieving process, and it’s okay to contemplate and consider the questions running through your heart and mind.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories

While you may have lived a little on the periphery of your grandchild’s life – not being the parents – you still have a strong connection to your grandchild and many precious memories. Cling to them. Share them with others. Discuss the love you feel and the loss you feel. Your memories are priceless so treasure them close to your heart as you grieve.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal

Grief takes time. It’s different from person to person. You will grieve one way and your spouse will grieve another. But no matter what it looks like, you have the right to grieve the loss of your grandchild. You also have the right to heal and not feel bad about it. Right now, the hurt may be too deep, too new, too fresh, but in time, as you do the work of grief and work through your emotions, you will find the path toward healing and reconciliation. Your life is changed forever, but you can still find hope and meaning, discovering ways to honor your grandchild’s life and memory.

Mar 31

Love0

Woman applying for reimbursement on computer

Applying for a FEMA COVID-19 Funeral Reimbursement

By christy.kessler COVID-19, Explore Options

So many families across the United States have been hit hard by COVID-19 – emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. Under the Coronavirus Response and Relief Supplemental Appropriations Act of 2021 and the American Rescue Plan Act of 2021 Fund, FEMA can provide financial assistance to families who lost a loved one to COVID-19. Let’s take a look at how this fund will work, who’s eligible, and what documentation you will need to apply.

Background

Administrated through the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), eligible families may receive a reimbursement of up to $9,000 per funeral for COVID-related burial and funeral expenses (up to $35,000 maximum). The program will retroactively reimburse for funeral expenses incurred after January 20, 2020.

On March 13, 2020, the president declared COVID-19 a national emergency. Under the Stafford Act, FEMA can offer funeral assistance for presidentially declared disasters or emergencies. While uncommon, FEMA has provided disaster-related funeral expenses before, specifically during Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Sandy.

Who Is Eligible?

At this time, just about everyone is eligible to apply. However, it’s up to FEMA to determine who receives a reimbursement and how much they will receive.

To apply, families must meet the following conditions to be eligible for reimbursement:

The applicant must be a U.S. citizen, non-citizen national, or qualified alien who incurred funeral expenses after Jan. 20, 2020, for a death attributed to COVID-19.
The COVID-19-related death must have occurred in the United States, including the U.S. territories and the District of Columbia.

Reimbursement Amounts

Families will receive varying amounts, as determined by FEMA. For example, all methods utilized to pay for a funeral or cremation will be taken into account before a reimbursement is given.

As for reimbursement amounts, the assistance is limited to a maximum financial amount of $9,000 per funeral and a maximum of $35,500 per application. This funeral assistance applies to funeral services, interment, and cremation.

If given a reimbursement, families will receive a check by mail or a direct deposit. However, if your family is not given a reimbursement, you may appeal to FEMA directly.

How Do I Apply?

Remember, reimbursements will vary, and some families will not receive a reimbursement at all. The intention behind the fund is to assist families who were unable to pay for funeral expenses or took a hard financial hit doing so.

To apply, every family must complete application forms and send in the following documentation:

Official Death Certificate

Applicants must include an official death certificate. It’s best if the certificate attributes the death to COVID-19 and shows that the death occurred in the United States. The death certificate would indicate the death “may have been caused by” or “was likely the result of” COVID-19 or COVID-19-like symptoms.

However, for those with a family member who died between January 20 and May 16, 2020, the death certificate may not have indicated that the death was COVID-19 related (because it was so early in the pandemic and testing was not yet reliable). In addition to a death certificate, these families can submit a signed letter from a coroner, medical examiner, or an official who can certify that their loved one’s death actually was COVID-19 related.

This signed document does not replace the death certificate but is considered an additional document to include in the application packet.

Funeral Expense Documents

Applicants must include funeral expense documents (receipts, funeral home contract, etc.). These documents should include the applicant’s name, the deceased individual’s name, the amount of funeral expenses, and dates the funeral expenses were incurred.

Proof of Funds Received

Applicants must provide proof of funds received from other sources specifically used toward funeral costs to avoid duplicate benefits. In other words, a family can’t receive funding from FEMA while also receiving funding from burial or funeral insurance, financial assistance received from voluntary agencies, federal/state/local/tribal /territorial government programs or agencies, or other such sources.

What if Multiple People Helped Pay for a Funeral?

If multiple people contributed toward funeral expenses, everyone should apply under a single application as applicant and co-applicant. FEMA will also consider documentation from other individuals not listed as the applicant and co-applicant who may have incurred funeral expenses as part of the registration for the deceased individual.

If multiple deaths occurred in your family related to COVID-19, you can apply for each one.

Helpful Links

FEMA COVID-19 Funeral Assistance

FEMA Funeral Assistance FAQ

The Federal Emergency Management Agency will accept applications starting April 12, 2021. If you believe you may be eligible for reimbursements, begin gathering the required documentation. Also, don’t forget that your funeral provider can help you through this process. Additionally, for answers to frequently asked questions, go to the FEMA Funeral Assistance FAQ for even more details.

Finally, remember that FEMA has a dedicated toll-free number for inquiries: 844-684-6333 or TTY: 800-462-7585. They are available Monday – Friday, from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. CDT.

Hopefully this information will help you determine whether your family is eligible to receive a reimbursement. While this won’t bring your loved one back, it may assist your family through hard times and give a little hope for the future.