Grief/Loss Archives - Funeral Basics

Mar 11

A caretaker applauding a kid while they paint outside

How to Support Your Grieving Child During Easter

By Rachael Ray Children, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Easter is a time for celebration and renewal, but for children who have lost a loved one, it can feel different. They might feel out of sorts and not want to participate in Easter activities like egg hunts or visiting the Easter Bunny.

A child looking out the window thoughtfully

As a caregiver, you want to support and uplift your child during this difficult time. However, it can be challenging to navigate deep topics and emotions with a grieving child. They’re still developing as a person, which means they likely aren’t in touch with their emotions. That’s why children need a guiding hand to develop healthy coping skills.

Whether your child has lost a relative or a close friend, let’s discuss a few gentle guidelines that can help you support your grieving child during the Easter season.

Understand That Children Grieve Differently

A parent comforting their kid while they cry

Grief looks different for everyone, and it isn’t an easy concept to understand, especially for children. Nationally respected grief counselor and educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt says, “In life, everyone grieves. But their grief journeys are never the same. Despite what you may hear, you will do the work of mourning in your own special way.”

There are many signs of grief that can show up at different ages and developmental stages, but they’re all normal. For example, your child may not be as excited about Easter activities this year. Or maybe your child is in denial that their loved one is gone and is closing themselves off from others. If your child is exhibiting natural grieving behaviors, try not to worry too much. Grief takes time.

If you’ve ever lost a loved one, then you’ll understand how complicated feelings and behaviors can get. To foster a healthy grief journey, encourage your child to talk about their feelings and create opportunities for them to come to you.

Provide a Compassionate Space

A parent talking to their stressed child

While everyone around them may be celebrating Easter, your child needs a safe space to express their grief, and that space can be you. Even if your child is not initially receptive, continually remind them that you’re available to support them.

In some ways, being a supportive space won’t be easy; your child could be happily decorating eggs one moment and crying the next. Create a space for grace and understanding, but don’t allow your child to push your boundaries. Even when someone is grieving, it doesn’t excuse breaking the rules or mistreating those around them.

As your child’s safe space, you can provide opportunities for them to express themselves. For example, open conversations and journaling can create a sense of structure and foster positive expression. Reading a book and drinking a warm beverage can emphasize the safety of your child’s home surroundings. All of these things remind children that home is a safe place to grieve. And if your child seeks out time alone, don’t be afraid to give it to them. Children of every age experience a range of emotions, and these feelings can be overwhelming if they don’t have a healthy outlet.

Modify an Easter Tradition

A kid picking up Easter eggs

Easter celebrations usually include fun activities like opening baskets and dressing up, but your child’s excitement may look different. Enjoying the holidays without a loved one can be challenging, but with a little effort, you can update your traditions to help your child grieve and honor their loved one’s memory!

If the loved one enjoyed a specific candy, you could include it in the eggs for an Easter egg hunt. Or, if your child loved painting or dyeing eggs with the person who has died, you could gather the supplies and do the activity with your child yourself.

As your child does these activities, they can remind them that their loved one is still present in their daily life – even if they’re not physically there. These special moments help honor their loved one’s memory, soothe the ache of their loss, and learn healthy grieving skills.

Encourage Outdoor Activity

A field of tulips in a park

Grief can make it easy to fall into a pattern of staying inside, but going outside can help your child immensely. Thankfully, Easter often lands in early spring, which means warmer temperatures, plants growing, and more time spent outside.

There are many ways you can use the outdoors to help your child. Take the opportunity to plant their loved one’s favorite tree or flower as an act of remembrance. Visit their loved one’s final resting place and let your child talk about school, memories, or whatever they want. Or to help your child expend any emotional energy, take a walk or play at the playground. These activities can help your child release their emotions in a healthy manner.

A caretaker applauding a kid while they paint outside

As a caregiver, you want nothing more for your child than for them to be happy during the Easter holiday. Grief isn’t easy, and it takes time and intentional effort to process. While you cannot heal your child’s grief, you can make Easter feel easier by implementing these compassionate guidelines and practices. Showing that you care will make all the difference to your child as they navigate the challenging emotions that accompany grief.

As you create a plan to support your grieving child this Easter, take a look at these additional resources and decide how best to love on your child during their time of grief:

6 Ways to Honor a Loved One’s Memory at Easter – Funeral Basics

10 Ways to Support a Grieving Child During the Holidays – Funeral Basics

7 Tips for Teaching Your Child How to Process Grief – Funeral Basics

10 Story Books on Grief for Children Ages 3-12 – Funeral Basics

Feb 27

Love0

Man slouched over with someone's hand on his shoulder.

Navigating Behavioral Changes After Loss

By Becca Corbett Educational, Grief/Loss

After losing a loved one, many aspects of your life may shift and change. Your daily interactions with others, hobbies, and interests may suddenly look different, leaving you feeling disoriented and uncertain. At times, your body and emotions may feel like they have a mind of their own. In addition to physical and emotional changes, you may also experience behavioral changes. To help you and your loved ones navigate any unexpected behavioral shifts, let’s discuss what you might experience and how you can overcome these changes.

What are Behavioral Changes?

To start, let’s define “behavioral changes.” Behavioral changes involve replacing old habits or patterns with new ones in response to a situation, such as the death of a loved one. Depending on the person, some changes may be short-lived while others linger on. But either way, always remember that behavioral changes are normal as you learn how to navigate life without your loved one.

Common Behavioral Changes

Next, let’s talk about some common behavioral changes you might experience after losing a loved one. When you know what to expect, you can adapt and adjust more easily to the changes.

Lashing out

Woman with hand on her forehead, looking upset, while another woman stands beside her, frustrated. Following the loss of a loved one, there may be days when you feel especially upset or angry because that special person is gone. With these strong emotions at the forefront, it can be challenging to focus on the other relationships in your life. On these days, you may feel tempted to lash out at the people around you, even if they are also grieving.

For example, because you may become triggered or upset more easily, you might find that you are more short-tempered with your spouse, kids, parents, or friends or have less patience than you typically do. In that instance, remind yourself that those around you are also experiencing loss and big emotions. They may also be feeling triggered and upset, just like you.

If you feel close to lashing out, remind yourself to breathe and remember that you will get through this. Take it one day at a time and allow yourself breaks and alone time when needed.

Avoiding people or social situations

Woman with sad expression, another woman comforting her. Without your loved one by your side, it might be exhausting to think about attending social gatherings or events. On top of that, it can be difficult to see others celebrating when you are grieving. As a result, you may find yourself avoiding social situations entirely.

Perhaps a friend and your lost loved one share the same birthday, so you aren’t sure if you want to attend the birthday brunch. It’s okay to skip the event if you need to focus on healing instead. One day, you will enjoy events again, but it’s okay to say no right now.

It’s natural and normal to want to be alone in your grief at times. Just be sure you don’t keep friends and family at a distance in the long term. After all, they care about you and want to help you during this difficult time.

Decreasing interest in activities

Elderly man sitting on couch and holding a remote. After losing a loved one, there may be times when it is challenging to participate in the activities you usually enjoy. That’s okay! A decrease in activities is normal as you figure out life after loss.

The book club, pottery class, or daily walks that usually bring you joy might begin to feel daunting. If an activity suddenly feels unenjoyable, it is okay to take a break and try again later. Over time, you can pick up the activities again, and they may become a healthy way to express your emotions during your grief journey.

As you adjust, remember to be kind to yourself and know that your interest in activities should return in time. However, if you don’t go back to those classes or clubs, that’s okay, too. You might discover new hobbies or interests while on your path to healing.

Feeling the need to make huge life decisions

Close up of hands holding a pen and signing a document. Because losing a loved one causes a significant change in your life, you may feel the overwhelming need to adjust other parts of your life to help you cope.

You may decide that it’s time to move, especially if you shared a home with your loved one and it’s now painful to stay there. Or perhaps you’ve lost a dear colleague, and you now have a strong urge to leave your job and start over somewhere new.

Before making any life-altering decisions, remind yourself that you are grieving and thoughtfully consider whether the decision will be helpful long term. Is the decision a logical one or a result of your grief? Not all big decisions are bad, but it’s important to be sure you are making them for the right reasons.

Ways to Overcome Behavioral Changes

While these behaviors may feel discouraging, the good news is that there are positive, healthy ways to cope with and overcome them. The following suggestions offer various outlets that will help after losing a loved one.

Take care of yourself

Elderly woman walking on a path with trees in the background. After a loss, make sure that you are eating well, sleeping, and getting some form of daily exercise to help improve your mental and physical well-being. Grief can affect even the most basic daily routines, so it’s important to ensure that you don’t forget to shower, brush your teeth, and change clothes every day. Although taking care of yourself may feel difficult while you are grieving, self-care is essential for your health.

Create a daily routine

Woman laying in bed and stretching with alarm clock on the table. Creating and sticking to a daily routine can help you ground yourself and find your new normal. Getting out of bed and making breakfast is a great start. Try to go for a walk, attend a workout class, or fit some form of exercise into your day. Having a familiar routine and knowing what to expect each day can give you a sense of control, even as you feel a little out of control after losing your loved one.

Find a support system

Man slouched over with someone's hand on his shoulder. Establishing a support system is a great way to get the physical help and emotional care you need during a time of loss. You can find a grief support group and chat with others who understand what you are going through. If a group setting is a bit overwhelming or just not your thing, reach out to a grief therapist. By connecting with others, you can share the load of your grief with people who care.

Identify positive outlets for your grief

Close up of shoes walking on a path. In order to heal, you need to find a way to express your grief. When you have the energy (it may not be right away), look for positive outlets to help you release your emotions and anything that may be pent-up inside you. For example, you could take a boxing class, go for a run, write in your journal, read poetry, or color as a way to process your grief. Adding a few relaxing hobbies and activities to your routine can be a productive way to move toward healing.

Visit your loved one’s final resting place

Monuments with color flowers. Visiting your loved one’s final resting place can be a cathartic step in your healing journey. For some, it may feel normal to visit a loved one’s final resting place as often as possible because it brings comfort. For others, visiting may feel uncomfortable, unnecessary, or even pointless at first. But consider giving it a try, either now or in the future. Spending time at your loved one’s resting place can be a healing experience and bring you closure.

Hopefully, you now have a better understanding of some of the most common behavioral changes to expect after a loss and how to deal with them when they come. But in addition to these changes, you may experience other behavioral shifts, and that’s okay. Every grief journey is different, so pay attention to your personal triggers and any new behaviors. And if you’d like help on the grief journey, reach out to a therapist in your area. They can help you build coping skills and learn how to navigate any behavioral changes you may experience.

No matter what, give yourself kindness and grace as you learn to navigate life without your loved one by your side. You have experienced a major loss, and unwanted changes have come into your life. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way, at your own pace, and in your own time.

Feb 24

Love0

Woman reviewing notifications on social media

Tips for Writing a Memorial Post on Social Media

By christy.kessler Educational, Grief/Loss, Memorial

When you’re grieving, remembrance and expression are an essential part of the healing process. You need time to sit with your memories, turn them over in your mind, and process them. And as you review each memory, lean into how it makes you feel and express what’s going on in your mind and heart.

One way to meet both needs (remembrance and expression) is to create a memorial post for social media. As you craft a memorial post (either before or any time after the funeral), you can look back on your loved one’s life (remembrance) and put what you’re thinking and feeling into words (expression). In many ways, the process can be incredibly cathartic and help you get things that are whirling around in your heart and mind outside of yourself in a healthy way. But how do you write a memorial post for social media? Let’s talk about it.

Why Post on Social Media?

For most of us, social media has become a normal, everyday part of our lives. While social media comes with its positives and negatives, it is an excellent way to connect with others quickly and easily. By publishing a memorial post on social media, you:

Honor your loved one’s life and memory publicly
Express what’s on your heart and mind
Reflect on the meaningful moments you experienced with your loved one
Invite others to remember your loved one’s life alongside you
Receive love and support from others
Encourage others to reflect on their own grief in a healthy way

Grief is a universal experience. Every person on this planet knows what it is to experience grief and loss. By creating a memorial post, you acknowledge that collective experience and open the door to compassion, reflection, and eventually, healing.

5 Tips for Writing a Memorial Post on Social Media

So, how do you get started? Here are 5 simple tips for writing a memorial post, but remember, these are guidelines, not rules.

1. Select a Meaningful Image, Video, Song, or Quote

Perhaps the easiest place to start is with choosing a meaningful image, video, song, or quote. You can then use this chosen media to inspire what you write in the post. Plus, a visual can enhance the post by adding a layer of connection and evoke emotions and memories.

You could choose a photo that means a lot to you or one that captures a milestone event in your life or your loved one’s life. By using a video, your loved one’s physical presence and vitality add a dynamic element to the post. Alternatively, you could include a meaningful quote or share a song that brings tears to your eyes and memories to your heart.

2. Write from the Heart

When writing a memorial post, it’s okay to let your emotions guide you. Because the intention of a memorial post is to reflect on memories, use sincere and heartfelt language as you express your grief and share the story behind meaningful moments. Feel free to talk about how difficult it has been without that special person and how much you miss them.

However, a few tips on what not to include: it’s best to stay respectful, avoid controversial topics, and refrain from sharing traumatic details about the death. Also, if you are posting about a non-family member, be mindful of the family’s privacy and don’t reveal details that are meant to remain private.

3. Add Personal Touches

As you write, consider adding personal touches to the post. You could share a specific memory, talk about a shared experience, or discuss your loved one’s unique quirks. Talk about their love of music or pop culture or 8-track tapes or the color yellow.

If you’ve included a video with the post, give some context and share why it means so much to you. You can also do this with photos, memes, GIFs, or songs. As you add personal details to your memorial post, you not only express your own sentiments and feelings, but you also transform a general tribute into a unique portrait of your loved one’s life.

4. Include a Call to Action (Optional)

It’s possible that your post may serve two purposes: honoring your loved one’s life and promoting a cause or event. Perhaps your loved one was deeply involved in the local theatre scene, and there’s a new play opening this weekend. You could share a memory about going to plays with your loved one and encourage everyone to go enjoy the newest production!

In a case like this, you can include a call to action. For example, “I’m going out to support the theatre this weekend to honor Dad! I hope to see you there.” Alternatively, you can share a loved one’s final tribute details or highlight their favorite non-profit. No matter what the cause or event, you can create a sense of community and support by inviting others to join in.

5. Think, Review, and Revise

No matter what you’re writing (academic paper, email, social media comment, etc.), always take time to think, review, and revise.

Stop to think about what you’ve written. Does it say what you want to say? Does it hit the tone and purpose you’re going for? Is what you’ve said going to hurt any family or friends who are grieving?
Review each word you’ve written. Are you clear and concise? Are there any grammatical errors or misspellings? Did you forget to add any necessary details?
And finally, if you see something you want to change, revise it right away.

Two easy proofreading hacks are reading it aloud and asking someone else to review it. When you read it aloud, anything that’s off will often rise to the surface. Did everything make sense to you? Did you trip over any wording or feel like the phrasing was awkward? And when you ask a friend to read your post, they may see something you didn’t. Once the post is fully reviewed, make edits as needed. Once you’re happy with it, it’s time to post!

What Happens After You Post?

Once your memorial post is live, people may post comments on it. These comments are likely to be supportive and kind, sharing in your grief. If you wish, you can react or reply to comments and talk more about the loss. But if you simply want to read the comments and not go any further, that’s okay, too. Also, some people are unkind or simply oblivious, so if you see a rude or inappropriate comment, you can either ignore it or delete it. This is your memorial post, and you can curate it however you want.

Also, it’s unlikely, but it’s possible that someone may post a rude or inappropriate comment. Decide now how you will respond if that happens. The simplest responses are to either ignore the comment or delete it. This is your memorial post, and you can do what you want with it. Just because someone makes a comment doesn’t mean you have to keep it.

Writing a memorial post is a beautiful way to celebrate a person’s life and the impact they had on others. Whether you’re crafting a tribute for a beloved family member, a cherished friend, or a respected colleague, the process requires sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and a touch of creativity. May these simple tips help you create a loving post that honors that special person and brings comfort to your heart and peace to your soul.

Jan 19

Love0

10 Mourning Rights of a Grieving Spouse

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

Losing a spouse can feel like losing an essential part of yourself. The two of you were a team, doing all the ups and downs of life together. Now, you find yourself facing life alone, and you don’t remember how to do it on your own. Some days, you may even feel like you’re going crazy. But you’re not crazy – you’re grieving.

While the grief journey is about saying goodbye and moving forward, it’s also about honoring the love you shared, reflecting on the memories you made, and finding a new place in your heart for your spouse’s presence.

As you walk through the heartbreaking loss of a spouse, remember these things:

1. You have the right to your own unique grief

Every person grieves in their own way, and you have the right to experience your grief differently than the people around you. While you are grieving a spouse, other family members may be going through the loss of a parent or child. For example, if one or both of your spouse’s parents are still living, you are both grieving the same person but very different losses.

It’s possible that other family members may expect you to react to the loss of a spouse in a certain way. Try not to conform your needs to their expectations. Instead, be real about what you need and compassionately communicate those needs when appropriate.

2. You have the right to talk about your feelings

Many people grow up learning that it’s better to conceal emotions (and admittedly, some places aren’t appropriate for emotional outbursts), but most of the time, it’s healthy to express what you’re feeling. And one of the most tried and true ways to express what you’re thinking and feeling is through talking.

Talking about your spouse may be painful at first. If it’s easier, you can start by writing down what you’re thinking and feeling. Once you are comfortable with that, you can move to speaking with trusted family and friends who are ready to hear what you have to say. The biggest thing is to express what’s going on in your heart and get those big feelings out in the open, not trapped inside you.

3. You have the right to feel the way you feel

After a loss, it’s common to feel a wide range of emotions. Shock, denial, confusion, yearning, guilt, sadness, or depression, to name a few. All of these reactions are normal. And if you’ve just lost your soulmate, these feelings may be more intense than anything you’ve felt before. But remember – it’s normal.

Try to embrace what you’re feeling, but when you can, do it in small doses. For example, when you’re busy but feel the grief rising, allow yourself to engage with your emotions for 10 minutes. Go to a quiet place and cry, scream, kick, do whatever you need to do (as long as you don’t harm yourself or others). After 10 minutes, take a deep breath, and go back to what you were doing. It’s going to take time and many such moments of grief to process this deep loss.

4. You have the right to be tired

Grief is hard work, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. You may find yourself feeling simply exhausted at the end of the day. And at night, your bed may feel less welcoming because that special person is no longer there. Some people even experience physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, and weight loss or gain after losing a loved one.

Please know – this is a natural reaction. Your body is in distress, the same as your mind and heart. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Rest every day. Eat balanced meals. Be kind to yourself as you grieve the loss of your spouse and figure out how to move forward.

5. You have the right to experience “grief bursts”

At times, the feelings of grief are going to appear suddenly and overwhelmingly. This is called a “grief burst.” It could be triggered by many things. You walk past the perfume counter and breathe in your wife’s preferred scent. You burst into tears while cooking dinner because he was the best chef ever. You wake up and say “good morning” before you remember no one is there.

So many small moments could trigger a grief burst. The powerful surge of emotion can be scary, but it’s normal and natural. When these bursts happen, honor and acknowledge them; don’t suppress them. Let yourself cry. Write down what’s going through your mind. Or call someone you trust and talk with them through the grief burst.

6. You have the right to engage in healing actions

Sometimes, in order to heal, you will need to do more than talk – you need to act. And as you put your grief into motion, you engage with your feelings and begin to process them in a healthy way. But what are “healing actions”?

Get coffee with someone and share a few cherished memories about your spouse. Mark your spouse’s birthday in a special way. Volunteer at their favorite organization. Talk about your lost spouse with family, friends, and your children. Write to your spouse and catch them up on everyone’s news. Visit their final resting place to chat for a little bit.

These are all acts of mourning – the outward expression of your internal grief. As hard as it is to believe, as you do the work of grief and participate in healing actions, you will find a way to move forward. You will never forget your spouse – nor should you – but you can find the path toward healing and discover a good life you didn’t know could exist.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality

If you are a person of faith, your beliefs are either sustaining you or it’s all feeling a little shaky. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. The loss of a spouse can unbalance your entire world.

If you are a person of faith, surround yourself with people who understand and support your religious beliefs. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings. Pray. Meditate. Journal. Share what you’re feeling with God; he’s big enough and loving enough to accept and understand whatever you’re feeling, even if it’s anger toward him.

8. You have the right to take your time

Whether you’ve been married for 6 months or 60 years, take all the time you need to grieve your loss. You may have a well-meaning friend or family member who’s encouraging you to “move on” because “enough time has passed.” You can politely ignore them because, in truth, there’s no rush, no timeline, and no expiration date on grief. It takes the time it takes.

Ultimately, the journey toward reconciliation – learning how to move forward after a loss – often depends on the type of loss and the depth of the relationship. With a spouse, a soulmate, the process can take longer than with other types of loss. After all, your spouse was with you every day, the person who knew you best, inside and out. That type of relationship comes with deep love and appreciation and deserves to be fully mourned.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories

Think back on your cherished memories. The moment you met your spouse. The first time you knew you wanted to marry them. The meaningful moments you shared, from the wedding day to having children, decorating your first home, or traveling together. You have some very special memories that no one else has, and they are very precious.

So, what could you do to treasure your spouse’s memory? You could collect keepsakes – photos, favorite items, something special between you and your spouse, etc. Have a piece of jewelry made to wear in remembrance. Start a tradition that brings you comfort. Bake their favorite Christmas treat every year. There are so many ways that you can remember and treasure the memories. Simply choose the ones that speak to you.

10. You have the right to grieve and to heal

No matter what your feelings or other people may be telling you right now, remember that you do have the right to grieve and to heal.

Nationally respected grief author and educator Dr. Alan Wolfelt tells us that, in many ways, we never truly “get over” a death; instead, we learn to reconcile ourselves to the loss. He states, “Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future…. The unfolding of this journey is not intended to create a return to an ‘old normal’ but the discovery of a ‘new normal.’”

The journey ahead is not going to be easy. The loss you’ve suffered is significant and heartbreaking. As you grapple with the loss, grieve in whatever way you need so that you and your family can find healing, peace, and reconciliation.

*Adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.

Dec 31

Love0

Senior man sitting in a chair with a loved one's arms wrapped around his shoulders

The Capacity to Love: The Reason We Grieve

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy, but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving…the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.” – Henri Nouwen

“All you need is love,” famously sang the Beatles. I couldn’t agree more. We come into the world yearning to give and receive love. Authentic love is God’s greatest gift to us as human beings. Love is the one human experience that invites us to feel beautifully connected and forces us to acknowledge that meaning and purpose are anchored not in isolation and aloneness, but in union and togetherness.

Father and son laughing together

What higher purpose is there in life but to give and receive love? Love is the essence of a life of abundance and joy. No matter what life brings our way, love is our highest goal, our passionate quest. Yes, we have a tremendous need for love – love that captures our hearts and nourishes our spirits.

In fact, our capacity to give and receive love is what ultimately defines us. Nothing we have “accomplished” in our lifetime matters as much as the way we have loved one another.

Yet love inevitably leads to grief. You see, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not – and cannot – exist without the other. People sometimes say that grief is the price we pay for the joy of having loved. This also means that grief is not a universal experience. Grief is predicated on our capacity to give and receive love. Some people choose not to love, and so, never grieve. If we allow ourselves the grace that comes with love, however, we must allow ourselves the grace that is required to mourn.

Middle-aged woman sitting quietly at home in an armchair

The experience of grief is only felt when someone of great value, purpose, and meaning has been a part of your life. To mourn your loss is required if you are to befriend the love you have been granted. To honor your grief is not self-destructive or harmful, it is life-sustaining and life-giving, and it ultimately leads you back to love again. In this way, love is both the cause and the antidote. Just as our greatest gift from God is our capacity to give and receive love, it is a great gift that we can openly mourn our life losses.

It is important to understand that grief and mourning are not the same thing, however. Grief is the constellation of thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. We can think of it as the container. It holds our thoughts, feelings, and image of our experience when someone we love dies. In other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss. Mourning is taking the grief we have on the inside and expressing it outside of ourselves.

Senior man sitting in a chair with a loved one's arms wrapped around his shoulders

Making the choice not just to grieve, but to authentically mourn, provides us the courage to live through the pain of loss and be transformed by it. How ironic that to ultimately go on to live well and love well we must allow ourselves to mourn well. You have loved from the outside in, and now you must learn to mourn from the inside out.

About the Author:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a noted author, educator, grief counselor. Dr. Wolfelt believes that meaningful funeral experiences help families and friends support one another, embrace their feelings, and embark on the journey to healing and transcendence. Recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s Death Educator Award, Dr. Wolfelt presents workshops across the world to grieving families, funeral home staffs, and other caregivers. He also teaches training courses for bereavement caregivers at the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, where he serves as Director. Dr. Wolfelt is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. He is also the author of many bestselling books, including Understanding Your Grief, The Mourner’s Book of Hope, Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies, and The Paradoxes of Grief: Healing Your Grief With Three Forgotten Truths, upon which this series is based. For more information, visit www.centerforloss.com

Dec 30

Love0

Grandmother and granddaughter sitting on couch and hugging with smiles on their faces

Love and Grief: Living as You Were Meant to Live

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

“We are all mirrors unto one another. Look into me and you will find something or yourself as I will of you.” – Walter Rinder

Love is a sacred partnership of communion with another human being. You take each other in, and even when you are apart, you are together. Wherever you go, you carry the person inside you. Communion means the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially on a spiritual level. When two people love one another, they are connected. They are entwined.

Communion of Lives

The word “communion” comes from the Old French comuner, which means “to hold in common.” Note that this is different than “to have in common.” You may have very little in common with another person, yet love them wholeheartedly. Instead, you hold things in common – that is, you consciously choose to share one another’s lives, hopes, and dreams. You hold her heart, and she holds yours.

This experience of taking another person inside your heart is beyond definition and defies analysis. It is part of the mystery of love. Love has its own way with us. It knocks on our hearts and invites itself in. It cannot be seen, but we realize it has happened. It cannot be touched, yet we feel it.

Communion of Grief

When someone we love dies, then, we feel a gaping hole inside us. I have companioned hundreds of mourners who have said to me, “When she died, I felt like part of me died, too.” In what can feel like a very physical sense, something that was inside us now seems missing. We don’t mourn those who die from the outside in; we mourn them from the inside out.

The absence of the person you love wounds your spirit, creates downward movement in your psyche, and transforms your heart. Yet even though you feel there is now a hole inside you, you will also come to know (if you haven’t already) that those you love continue to live on in your heart. You remain in communion with those you love forever and are inextricably connected to them for eternity.

Man and woman grieving together and holding a single pink rose

Yes, you will grieve the person’s absence and need to express your feelings of grief. You must mourn. You must commune with your grief and take it into your heart, embracing your many thoughts and feelings. When you allow yourself to fully mourn, over time and with the support of others who care about you, you will come to find that the person you lost does indeed still live inside you.

Love abides in communion – during life and after death. And mourning is communion with your grief. With communion comes understanding, meaning, and a life of richness.

Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts

”Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” – Marcus Aurelius

When you love another person, it can feel like one plus one equals three.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” Love is like that. Two people can come together and form a partnership that enables each person to be “more” in so many ways.

Here’s another way to think about this idea: Love is like an orchestra. You may be a clarinet – a strong, fine wind instrument all by yourself. But when you surround yourself with other instruments, each of which does the work of carrying its own part and practicing its own music, together as a group you can blow the doors off the place.

I much prefer this expansive concept of love over the long-held reductionist belief that two become one. If two become one, both participants in the relationship are diminished. Conversely, what truly feeds the soul of a loving relationship is expansion, mutual-nurturance, and growth.

Without doubt, being part of a synergistic, two-makes-three relationship requires a conscious commitment. Did your relationship with the person who died feel enhancing or diminishing? In synergistic relationships, there has to be space and encouragement to be real and authentic. Were you empowered to be your true self or disempowered to be something you were not? Did your two make three, or did your two make you less than one? If your two made less than one, perhaps you are now faced with mourning what you never had but wished you did. How human is that?

Person wearing black placing a spray of white flowers at a loved one's grave

If, on the other hand, your relationship with the person who died made you greater than the sum of your parts, what happens now that one of you is gone? You may feel diminished. You may feel empty. You may feel less than whole. Your self-identity may even seem to shrink as you struggle with your changing roles. If you are no longer a wife (or a mother or a sister or a daughter), what are you? If you are no longer a husband (or a father or a brother or a son), what are you?

The experience of mourning can feel piecemeal – a cry here, a burst of anger there; a deep sadness today, a crush of guilt tomorrow. You might feel a sense of disorientation from the scattered and ever-changing nature of your grief.

But when you trust in the process of grief and you surrender to the mystery, you will find that mourning, like love, is also greater than the sum of its parts. Leaning into your grief and always erring on the side of expressing rather than inhibiting or ignoring your thoughts and feelings – no matter how random and disjointed they might seem some days – will bring you to a place of transformation. You will not just be different from the person you were before the death. You will be greater. Your experience of love and grief will create a changed you, a you who has not only survived but who has learned to thrive again in a new form and in a new way.

And just as love connects you to others, so should grief. You need the listening ears and open hearts of others as you express your thoughts and feelings about the death. You need the support of others as you mourn.

Yes, love and grief are both greater than the sum of their parts. The lesson I take from this is that whenever you engage fully and openly in life, experiencing both the joys and the sorrows head-on, you are living the life you were meant to live.

About the Author:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many compassionate, bestselling books designed to help people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well, including Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out, from which this article is excerpted. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.

Dec 30

Love0

Two people holding a small chocolate birthday cake with white icing

10 Ways to Celebrate a Loved One’s Memory on their Birthday

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Memorial

After losing a loved one, the act of remembrance is essential to the healing process. Memories and cherished moments bring comfort and peace during the difficult process of grief. While you will always miss the person who has died, you can keep their memory alive in your heart and memory. One way you can honor and remember them is by celebrating their birthday every year. But what does that look like? Let’s review 10 ideas for celebrating a loved one’s memory on their birthday.

1. Organize a gathering with family and friends

If you love hosting and having people around you, consider throwing a birthday party for your lost loved one. Instead of gifts, guests can bring their favorite memories to share over the dinner table. Display photos, bring out your loved one’s favorite dishes, and place your loved one’s photo in a place of honor at the table. Coming together with others may be just the right balm for your heart as you mark a lost loved one’s birthday.

2. Cook their favorite meal

If you don’t feel up to a full gathering, keep it simple by cooking your loved one’s favorite meal for your immediate family. As you prepare their signature dish, place a photo of your loved one nearby. Then, once everyone is settled at the table, swap stories about your lost loved one and laugh together as you celebrate their birthday and their life. In this way, you can combine the comfort of food with the comfort of your memories.

3. Write them a letter

Words are powerful, and writing down your thoughts can be a therapeutic and effective way to process what you’re feeling. As you write, you could express your feelings, share life updates, or simply tell your loved one how much you miss them. If you want an extra touch, choose a birthday card at the store and write your letter inside. Then, you can leave the letter at their graveside or place it in a memory box where you can come back to it in future years.

4. Start a birthday tradition

If you like the idea of creating a ritual you can revisit year after year, consider starting a birthday tradition on your loved one’s birthday. Did they love apple pie? Eat a slice on their birthday every year. Did they adore When Harry Met Sally or Die Hard? Watch the movie, even if it’s the wrong time of year. Did they love taking walks? Get outside and breathe in the crisp air. Simply choose a birthday tradition that’s doable and look forward to it every year.

5. Give a memorial donation

If your loved one was active in the community or did regular volunteer work, then giving a memorial donation may be an excellent way to honor their memory. Consider giving to an organization they were passionate about. Alternatively, if they suffered from a disease, you could give toward medical research seeking a cure and treatment options. By giving a memorial donation in your loved one’s name, you extend their positive impact on the world.

6. Visit their final resting place

Another activity to consider is visiting your loved one’s final resting place. If the cemetery allows it, bring a birthday bouquet or a birthday balloon. Sit down and give your loved one an update on the past year of your life. If your person wasn’t laid to rest in a cemetery, visit a place that is particularly meaningful to the two of you. It doesn’t really matter where you go, as long as you feel a connection and kinship to the person who has died.

7. Share a post on social media

Social media is a big part of life today, and it can be a great place to publicly honor and remember a loved one. Take your time crafting a heartfelt message and selecting meaningful photos. If you wish, you could ask people to share a favorite memory or leave a message of remembrance in the comments. When you’re hurting, it can be comforting to know you aren’t alone and that other people miss your person, too.

8. Participate in their favorite hobby

Did your loved one have a favorite hobby or pastime? In honor of their birthday, you could jump in and participate. For the painters, sign up for a class at the local Paint & Sip. For the marathon runners, sign up for a 5k (you can walk, no running required). For the crafters, spend time learning how to embroider, quilt, or crochet. For the golfers, take the whole family to mini golf. No matter what your loved one’s interests were, you can use them to honor your loved one’s birthday.

9. Wear something meaningful for the day

What you wear is a form of expression. On your lost loved one’s birthday, you can express your love for them through your wardrobe. You could wear their favorite color or a piece of jewelry that once belonged to them. You could pull on fuzzy cat socks or paint your nails that signature blue. Whatever it is, wearing a physical reminder can brighten your day and hopefully bring a smile to your face amidst any sadness you’re feeling.

10. Perform random acts of kindness

Lastly, give kindness to others on behalf of your loved one. For one mother who lost her young daughter, this meant paying for another child’s birthday cake in her daughter’s memory. For you, this could mean so many things. Paying for the person’s order behind you in the drive-thru. Taking cookies to work. Smiling at people at the store. Giving a bigger tip. Big or small, a simple act of kindness can lift the heart – yours and the other person’s.

Remember, this is just a list of possible ideas. Get creative and identify the most meaningful way for you to honor your loved one’s memory on their birthday. And if it’s hard to think about “celebrating” anything right now, that’s okay. You can come back to this list of ideas at a future date when you’re ready. Each year may look different as your loved one’s birthday comes and goes, but your love for them will remain forever and always.

Dec 23

Love0

Sharing Your Story with Legacy Projects

By Kaylan Frank Educational, Grief/Loss, Memorial

Acknowledging our own mortality can feel uncomfortable, but deep down, we all want to be remembered after we’re gone – not just for the things we accomplished, but for who we are. Every person’s life tells a unique story, a treasure trove of wisdom, love, and experiences worth sharing. Unfortunately, too many of our loved ones’ stories go untold, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Legacy projects offer a meaningful way to share your story and support your family through the grief that comes after losing a loved one.

What are Legacy Projects, and Why are They Important?

Legacies come in many forms. Some are tangible, such as heirlooms or lasting contributions, while others are intangible, including the values we pass on and the memories we leave behind. Legacy projects help preserve your values, knowledge, and contributions in a meaningful way. They also allow you to weave your story with intention, building a bridge between your past and your family’s future.

Comfort, two people holding hands

But how do legacy projects benefit both you and your family? Legacy projects can create a map of meaningful moments that benefit both you and your loved ones on the journey through grief.

For you: This kind of project encourages reflection, providing emotional clarity while also giving you a way to pass down valuable insight, skills, and traditions. It could become a legacy that future generations continue, honoring your memory and the impact you’ve made.
For your family: Cherished keepsakes can serve as a physical reminder of you, providing comfort after you’ve passed. A project built around your story can bring people together and create a new tradition of sharing your life with those yet to come.

Additionally, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor and author with decades of experience helping the grieving, talks about how going backward through memories can bring comfort: “In my experience, remembering the past is the very thing that eventually makes hoping for the future possible. Mourners’ lives will open to renewed hope, love and joy only to the extent that they first embrace the past.” By helping your loved ones embrace the past, you help them process their grief and move forward to the good the future holds.

How to Choose a Legacy Project

When you set out to create a legacy project, knowing where to begin can be a challenge. Here are three thoughtful questions to consider if you’re ready to get started! These questions are designed to help you tune in, connect with your passions, and start shaping a project that truly reflects who you are.

How do you want to be remembered?

Take time to reflect on what is most important to you – your values, impact, and the legacy you hope to leave behind. Set aside time each week for quiet reflection. Keep a journal or notepad nearby to jot down your thoughts as they arise. Additionally, looking back at photographs, journals, or cherished memories can help guide you towards what project you want to create.

What has been meaningful about your relationships?

If you and a loved one shared an interest, then you might consider a legacy project around that shared topic. For example, if you and your daughter love going to see plays at the theater, you could create a scrapbook with photos, playbills, and ticket stubs. After gifting the project to your daughter, it will become a gentle invitation to revisit memories of you. Do you have a Sunday breakfast tradition with your grandchildren? You could create a Family Breakfast Cookbook and fill it with handwritten recipes, along with notes about the memories tied to each one. Like when your grandson flipped the pancakes too early, or the eggs you scrambled perfectly together. Think through your relationships and consider who might benefit from a legacy project based around a shared interest.

Do you have any hobbies that bring you joy or help you unwind?

Think about activities that are meaningful to you. Whether it’s knitting, baking, collecting, writing, painting, reading, or traveling, you can use your talents to create a legacy project that truly reflects who you are. Do you have a favorite spot at the park, a timeless handmade quilt, or an assortment of vintage cameras that you once used to document your travels? Whatever you choose, you can turn what you love into a lasting legacy.

If you get stuck, ask your family members or close friends for brainstorming help or reach out to those who may want to be involved in preserving your legacy after you’ve passed.

More Ways to Share Your Story

Even with the questions above to help, you may still feel unsure about where to begin. Here are some more suggestions to ignite your own imagination and get your ideas off the ground!

For the writers:

Journals or letters filled with words of wisdom are a powerful way to pass down values and life lessons to your loved ones when advice and encouragement are needed. You can even write letters for memorable milestones like graduations, weddings, and other life events.

For the sentimental:

Photos and photo albums, both physical and digital, can serve as visual stories to spark conversations. Memory capsules are another way to pass sentimental items on to your loved ones to help them heal.

For the foodies:

Do you have a secret recipe, or is there a dish you make that everyone loves? Creating a recipe book or curating a box of favorite recipes is a meaningful way to pass your legacy down through the memories tied to smell and taste.

For the tech-savvy:

Digital videos and voice recordings are an excellent way for your loved ones to revisit time spent with you. This type of project will help preserve your laughter and presence in a form that can be replayed, bringing comfort and maybe even joy in grief.

For the adventurers:

Talk with your loved ones about meaningful memorials. Have you thought about a bench in your favorite park or a plaque at your most visited ballfield? Additionally, if you’re considering cremation, you might ask your family to scatter your remains in a place that holds special meaning.

For the collectors:

Your treasured collections, such as cameras, art, model trains, or sports memorabilia, carry stories and significance. Passing them on as meaningful gifts ensures that your interests continue to inspire.

For the creatives:

Do you have a portfolio or print pieces that include photography or paintings you’ve created? Have you written poetry or music that you would like to be kept in the family? These items can offer comfort and connection, helping your loved ones feel close to you through art or music.

For the readers:

Some books have been in the family for generations as cherished heirlooms. For example, a father or grandfather might read a story every holiday season, and family members may want to carry on the tradition! If your collection holds sentimental or historical value, consider how you’d like it to be preserved.

For the philanthropists:

Do you have a favorite nonprofit organization that you regularly donate to? Would you like for someone in your family to continue supporting a cause in your name? Discuss the possibility of donating to a foundation of your choice with your loved ones.

For the old souls:

Does your family have a special tradition or any beloved items that have been passed down through generations? Family Bibles, antique furniture, jewelry, and quilts can be wonderful items to pass down through the family tree.

Start Telling your Story Today!

Hopefully your creativity is sparking, and you’ve come up with an idea for a legacy project (or even several!). While it may be uncomfortable to think about the end of your life, there’s comfort and healing in telling your story.

A gentle exploration of how you want to be remembered can be a powerful and grounding experience. Completing a legacy project and gifting it to someone you love creates an emotional impact that lasts. For years to come, they’ll have something that’s tangible and meaningful to help them connect back to you. How would you like your story to be told?

Dec 09

Love0

Tiles with happy and sad faces printed on them resting on a table with a person's hand splitting them apart

Funerals and Family Discord: What Can You Do?

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Planning Tools

Funerals can be difficult. Emotions tend to live closer to the surface. Then, add the struggles and intricacies associated with relationships to the emotional pot. Dealing with family discord or difficult people at an already challenging time is taxing. If you’ve lost someone you love, you are already feeling a wide range of emotions, and you may not feel you have energy left to deal with difficult people or situations.

Family discord or interactions with difficult people can happen at any stage of the funeral process. It may be that you and a sibling disagree on the best way to honor your parent’s life. Or perhaps someone you have intentionally avoided will be coming to the funeral service. No matter the details of your particular situation, you may feel your stress levels rising when you think about the funeral. If this resonates with you, take a moment to review some thoughts on how to navigate these tricky moments.

1. Be aware of your emotions

Our emotions are a gift, but they are also our responsibility. They tell us how we feel, but they do not always reflect the truth about a situation. We need to examine whether our feelings are based on faulty assumptions or real facts.

As you deal with family discord or difficult people, try to be mindful of your emotions and what they are telling you. But more importantly, ask yourself, “Are my emotions a reflection of reality or a result of my potentially faulty conclusions?” In other words, are you thinking clearly or through an emotionally-blurred lens? It’s important to answer these questions before taking the offensive against family members during a very emotional time.

Remember – you control your emotions; they do not control you.

2. Find ways to compromise

Compromise is a highly successful way to navigate discord, so be on the lookout for areas where you can give and take. In some cases, family members may disagree about funeral arrangements for a lost loved one. Some may prefer cremation while others may prefer burial. And if cremation is chosen, what happens to the ashes? Who decides?

These types of family disagreements are one reason why it’s so important to plan ahead for funeral arrangements. If a loved one provides an outline of their wishes, survivors don’t have to stress over what to do. They can have confidence in what their lost loved one wanted. But in the absence of a plan, find ways to compromise so that everyone gets a little of what they want.

And if you’re attending a funeral where you will see a certain family member you’ve been avoiding, remember what the service is all about. It’s about honoring and saying goodbye to the person who has died. Whether or not there is a possibility to repair the strained relationship with the living person, try to set aside your differences until after services are complete.

3. Choose your words thoughtfully

It’s always good practice to weigh your words in every situation, especially during a time of loss. Those who speak out of anger or pain are usually in a reactive state and may say something hurtful that they later regret. If tension is rising with family members, words spoken in anger will only make things worse.

Instead, work to stand up for yourself and express your opinion without attacking the position of others. Try to really listen to what others are saying and see things from their perspective before responding. Start your statements with “I feel” or “I think” rather than “You always do this” or “You make me so mad!” Using “I” instead of “You” statements will help you take responsibility for your emotions without accusing others and putting them on the defensive, which could escalate an already tense situation.

4. Discover what helps you cope with stress

Next, take time to understand your own needs.

We should always try to learn more about our own motivations and those of other people, seeking to understand why we and others act or react in certain ways. What calms you down? What is your outlet or release? For some, it’s painting or writing, working out, being alone for a while, or spending time with specific people who bring life and comfort.

As you approach a situation that may be difficult, do what you need to do beforehand to bring your stress levels down. Think about appropriate ways to express your grief, your anger, your frustration, or whatever feeling is rising up in you. Don’t bottle it up; channel it appropriately. If you do feel the need to express your emotions vocally, go to a room by yourself (or with a safe person) and scream or cry if you need to.

5. Try to take the higher road

When dealing with a difficult person, the last thing you may want is to be “nice.” If you and a sibling are arguing over a parent’s final wishes for the funeral service, you are likely more irritated than kindhearted at the moment. But that’s why it’s so important to look for a way to be kind.

As you seek ways to be gracious to those who are difficult, rude, or discourteous, you may even change the direction of the conversation. Even if they don’t respond to you in kindness, you can look back at the funeral and say, “I did my best in a difficult situation.”

In life, conflict is unavoidable. How we respond and deal with it is what truly matters. If you are looking for a way to avoid future family discord or an uncomfortable situation at a funeral, one option is to talk with your elderly, living relatives about making advance funeral arrangements. Putting a plan in place provides a valuable opportunity for families to get on the same page regarding future events and prevent as much disagreement as possible.

Nov 15

Love0

Father sitting next to young daughter, offering comfort at a sad moment

10 Ways to Support a Grieving Child During the Holidays

By christy.kessler Christmas, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Grief can hit you hard any day of the year, but for many, the holidays are particularly difficult. The beloved traditions may not feel as joyful without the family member or friend who has passed away. While loss is difficult at any age, children experience it differently than adults. Because they are less able to identify their emotions and are still learning positive coping skills, grief can lead to outbursts of big emotions. So, as a caregiver, what can you do this holiday season to support the grieving child in your life?

1. Create Space for Their Emotions

Often, emotions are a bit paradoxical. You can feel joy and grief within moments of each other, which adults have learned how to manage. But for children, the tug between happiness and sadness may feel more extreme. To help them balance, create space for their emotions throughout the holidays.

Validate their feelings by listening and offering encouragement and comfort. Discuss how it’s okay to feel both happy and sad after losing someone. When a child is feeling out of sorts, invite them to draw a picture of a favorite memory or write down what they miss about the person. You could also encourage other healing actions, like taking flowers to the graveside, attending a remembrance service, or hanging a memorial ornament on the Christmas tree.

2. Encourage Open Dialogue and Connection

Children are still learning the social norms, so it’s not unusual for them to ask direct questions. Encourage this openness of communication. Read age-appropriate, grief-related books that will spark conversation. Ask open-ended questions like “What’s something you miss about [loved one’s name]?” Or sit down and play together while sharing memories.

If your child wants to talk about the death, talk about it. Children need to realize that death isn’t a taboo subject; it’s actually healthy to talk about what has happened because it helps them process difficult emotions. And don’t be afraid to show your own emotions during these conversations. By expressing your own sadness, you teach your child how to do the same.

3. Embrace Moments of Joy

Amidst the sadness, there are going to be times of joy during the holiday season. Take time to embrace those moments with your child. While grief is hard, it should not eclipse everything to the extent that there is no room for joy. And if you see that your child is having a hard time balancing their emotions and is slipping more into melancholy, create opportunities for joy.

You could watch a favorite holiday movie together or roast s’mores outside as the snow falls. Go shopping for presents together, decorate your home, or plan Christmas crafts that everyone will enjoy. Marvel over the neighborhood Christmas light displays or go ice skating at the local pond. And when grief inevitably hits, take time to acknowledge and feel it. Then, keep moving forward.

4. Take Time to Remember

One of the best tools you can utilize on the grief journey is the gift of memory. Though it may sound strange, looking back is the way forward. Respected grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt puts it this way, “In my experience, remembering the past is the very thing that eventually makes hoping for the future possible. Mourners’ lives will open to renewed hope, love and joy only to the extent that they first embrace the past.”

So, take time to remember this holiday season. Make a memory wreath or keepsake craft with your child. Bake the loved one’s favorite holiday treat or choose a special memorial ornament. Hang up the loved one’s stocking and fill it with notecards that share memories, prayers, or thoughts. Set an extra place at the dinner table or light a memorial candle in the window. There are so many things you can do to encourage remembrance and invite a loved one’s memory into your holiday season.

5. Maintain Routines with Added Flexibility

Kids thrive on routine, and familiarity can offer comfort and stability to a grieving child. While the holidays are often full of activities that aren’t the norm, you can adjust the family schedule if you or the kids are beginning to feel overwhelmed. As is appropriate, allow your child to decide which events they’d like to participate in, especially on days when they are experiencing particularly high emotions.

When you can, stick to bedtimes, chores, and other basic routines or expectations to keep a sense of stability and predictability in your family’s day. There will be moments when the routine is disrupted, and that’s okay. Just make sure that your child understands what to expect for the day, so they can prepare themselves for anything new or different.

6. Allow This Year to Be Different

As a caregiver, you may be tempted to make sure that absolutely nothing changes for your child’s holiday season following the loss of a loved one. While the idea comes from a good place, you don’t have to put that much pressure on yourself. It’s okay to allow this year to be different. Different isn’t bad; in many ways, it can be just what you need.

So, give yourself permission to talk with your child about skipping or modifying the regular traditions. Or start something new that requires less effort, like taking a memory walk or writing a holiday letter to your lost loved one. And for the activities you do participate in, let your child know it’s okay to take breaks when their emotions are running high.

7. Understand Developmental Perspectives

Children process grief differently based on their age, maturity, and understanding of death. Some kids may fluctuate between feelings of joy and happiness and feelings of sadness, frustration, and anger. As a caregiver, it’s important that you identify where your child is at developmentally, so you can meet them there and respond in an age-appropriate way.

Here are a few quick tips:

With young children, use simple, clear language and focus on reassuring them that they are loved and safe.
For school-age children, provide added space for questions and discussion.
With teens, be open and available for deeper conversations while also respecting their desire for privacy or independence.

For helpful information on developmental stages, check out this helpful resource from the Dougy Center, a national grief center for children and families.

8. Take Care of Yourself as Caregiver

In order to support a grieving child, you need to also take care of yourself. If too many holiday activities are causing you to be stressed and irritable, look at your calendar and decide what can go. If you’d prefer, choose low-key activities that won’t require as much mental or physical energy. And of course, make sure you are getting enough sleep and eating regular meals.

Also, pay attention to your own emotional state. Most likely, you are grieving too, and it can be tempting to set aside your own needs. However, as much as possible, take time to process your own feelings. You could journal, talk with friends, exercise, or get creative to express your grief. By addressing your own feelings, you ensure that you are more emotionally stable when dealing with your child’s grief.

9. Get Help from Your Support Network

Because the holidays are often busy, you may feel pulled in several directions. By asking your support network for help, you give yourself a little breathing room. And when there’s breathing room, there’s more space to actively engage with your child and pay attention to their needs.

In our culture that focuses on independence, it can be hard to ask for help. But oftentimes, people are just waiting for you to tell them how they can help. Call up your best friend or sibling to help bake cookies or take the kids to a movie. Ask a trusted neighbor if the kids can play at their house while you run a few errands. Schedule a babysitter so you can have a little time for yourself during the holiday hustle and bustle. You don’t have to do this alone because people want to help.

10. Look for Signs of Troubled Grief

And lastly, you can support a grieving child by looking for signs of troubled grief. Most children adjust to a loss and move forward, but sometimes, they may need an extra level of support. If your child is exhibiting the following behaviors, consider getting additional help.

Intense feelings of sadness, tiredness, or social withdrawal
Major changes in sleeping or eating habits that have a significant impact on daily life
Inability to talk about the death or appearing to be disconnected from reality
Expressing the desire to hurt themselves
Extreme separation distress or inability to separate from caregivers
Excessive preoccupation with the circumstances of the death
Reckless or risky behaviors, like using drugs, drunk driving, or stealing

Every child grieves differently, and there is no set timeline for grief. However, if any of these behaviors are present six months after the loss of a loved one and are impacting daily routines, consider having your child assessed by a mental health professional who is well-versed in the treatment of childhood grief.

Hopefully, these 10 suggestions will help you create a loving and memorable holiday season for your grieving child. Grief is a journey, not a task to complete. With your steady presence and loving support, your child can honor their loved one’s memory while discovering hope and meaning in the holidays—and beyond.