Grief/Loss Archives - Funeral Basics

Dec 31

Senior man sitting in a chair with a loved one's arms wrapped around his shoulders

The Capacity to Love: The Reason We Grieve

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy, but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving…the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.” – Henri Nouwen

“All you need is love,” famously sang the Beatles. I couldn’t agree more. We come into the world yearning to give and receive love. Authentic love is God’s greatest gift to us as human beings. Love is the one human experience that invites us to feel beautifully connected and forces us to acknowledge that meaning and purpose are anchored not in isolation and aloneness, but in union and togetherness.

Father and son laughing together

What higher purpose is there in life but to give and receive love? Love is the essence of a life of abundance and joy. No matter what life brings our way, love is our highest goal, our passionate quest. Yes, we have a tremendous need for love – love that captures our hearts and nourishes our spirits.

In fact, our capacity to give and receive love is what ultimately defines us. Nothing we have “accomplished” in our lifetime matters as much as the way we have loved one another.

Yet love inevitably leads to grief. You see, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not – and cannot – exist without the other. People sometimes say that grief is the price we pay for the joy of having loved. This also means that grief is not a universal experience. Grief is predicated on our capacity to give and receive love. Some people choose not to love, and so, never grieve. If we allow ourselves the grace that comes with love, however, we must allow ourselves the grace that is required to mourn.

Middle-aged woman sitting quietly at home in an armchair

The experience of grief is only felt when someone of great value, purpose, and meaning has been a part of your life. To mourn your loss is required if you are to befriend the love you have been granted. To honor your grief is not self-destructive or harmful, it is life-sustaining and life-giving, and it ultimately leads you back to love again. In this way, love is both the cause and the antidote. Just as our greatest gift from God is our capacity to give and receive love, it is a great gift that we can openly mourn our life losses.

It is important to understand that grief and mourning are not the same thing, however. Grief is the constellation of thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. We can think of it as the container. It holds our thoughts, feelings, and image of our experience when someone we love dies. In other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss. Mourning is taking the grief we have on the inside and expressing it outside of ourselves.

Senior man sitting in a chair with a loved one's arms wrapped around his shoulders

Making the choice not just to grieve, but to authentically mourn, provides us the courage to live through the pain of loss and be transformed by it. How ironic that to ultimately go on to live well and love well we must allow ourselves to mourn well. You have loved from the outside in, and now you must learn to mourn from the inside out.

About the Author:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a noted author, educator, grief counselor. Dr. Wolfelt believes that meaningful funeral experiences help families and friends support one another, embrace their feelings, and embark on the journey to healing and transcendence. Recipient of the Association of Death Education and Counseling’s Death Educator Award, Dr. Wolfelt presents workshops across the world to grieving families, funeral home staffs, and other caregivers. He also teaches training courses for bereavement caregivers at the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, where he serves as Director. Dr. Wolfelt is on the faculty of the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. He is also the author of many bestselling books, including Understanding Your Grief, The Mourner’s Book of Hope, Creating Meaningful Funeral Ceremonies, and The Paradoxes of Grief: Healing Your Grief With Three Forgotten Truths, upon which this series is based. For more information, visit www.centerforloss.com

Dec 30

Love0

Grandmother and granddaughter sitting on couch and hugging with smiles on their faces

Love and Grief: Living as You Were Meant to Live

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss

“We are all mirrors unto one another. Look into me and you will find something or yourself as I will of you.” – Walter Rinder

Love is a sacred partnership of communion with another human being. You take each other in, and even when you are apart, you are together. Wherever you go, you carry the person inside you. Communion means the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially on a spiritual level. When two people love one another, they are connected. They are entwined.

Communion of Lives

The word “communion” comes from the Old French comuner, which means “to hold in common.” Note that this is different than “to have in common.” You may have very little in common with another person, yet love them wholeheartedly. Instead, you hold things in common – that is, you consciously choose to share one another’s lives, hopes, and dreams. You hold her heart, and she holds yours.

This experience of taking another person inside your heart is beyond definition and defies analysis. It is part of the mystery of love. Love has its own way with us. It knocks on our hearts and invites itself in. It cannot be seen, but we realize it has happened. It cannot be touched, yet we feel it.

Communion of Grief

When someone we love dies, then, we feel a gaping hole inside us. I have companioned hundreds of mourners who have said to me, “When she died, I felt like part of me died, too.” In what can feel like a very physical sense, something that was inside us now seems missing. We don’t mourn those who die from the outside in; we mourn them from the inside out.

The absence of the person you love wounds your spirit, creates downward movement in your psyche, and transforms your heart. Yet even though you feel there is now a hole inside you, you will also come to know (if you haven’t already) that those you love continue to live on in your heart. You remain in communion with those you love forever and are inextricably connected to them for eternity.

Man and woman grieving together and holding a single pink rose

Yes, you will grieve the person’s absence and need to express your feelings of grief. You must mourn. You must commune with your grief and take it into your heart, embracing your many thoughts and feelings. When you allow yourself to fully mourn, over time and with the support of others who care about you, you will come to find that the person you lost does indeed still live inside you.

Love abides in communion – during life and after death. And mourning is communion with your grief. With communion comes understanding, meaning, and a life of richness.

Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts

”Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” – Marcus Aurelius

When you love another person, it can feel like one plus one equals three.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” Love is like that. Two people can come together and form a partnership that enables each person to be “more” in so many ways.

Here’s another way to think about this idea: Love is like an orchestra. You may be a clarinet – a strong, fine wind instrument all by yourself. But when you surround yourself with other instruments, each of which does the work of carrying its own part and practicing its own music, together as a group you can blow the doors off the place.

I much prefer this expansive concept of love over the long-held reductionist belief that two become one. If two become one, both participants in the relationship are diminished. Conversely, what truly feeds the soul of a loving relationship is expansion, mutual-nurturance, and growth.

Without doubt, being part of a synergistic, two-makes-three relationship requires a conscious commitment. Did your relationship with the person who died feel enhancing or diminishing? In synergistic relationships, there has to be space and encouragement to be real and authentic. Were you empowered to be your true self or disempowered to be something you were not? Did your two make three, or did your two make you less than one? If your two made less than one, perhaps you are now faced with mourning what you never had but wished you did. How human is that?

Person wearing black placing a spray of white flowers at a loved one's grave

If, on the other hand, your relationship with the person who died made you greater than the sum of your parts, what happens now that one of you is gone? You may feel diminished. You may feel empty. You may feel less than whole. Your self-identity may even seem to shrink as you struggle with your changing roles. If you are no longer a wife (or a mother or a sister or a daughter), what are you? If you are no longer a husband (or a father or a brother or a son), what are you?

The experience of mourning can feel piecemeal – a cry here, a burst of anger there; a deep sadness today, a crush of guilt tomorrow. You might feel a sense of disorientation from the scattered and ever-changing nature of your grief.

But when you trust in the process of grief and you surrender to the mystery, you will find that mourning, like love, is also greater than the sum of its parts. Leaning into your grief and always erring on the side of expressing rather than inhibiting or ignoring your thoughts and feelings – no matter how random and disjointed they might seem some days – will bring you to a place of transformation. You will not just be different from the person you were before the death. You will be greater. Your experience of love and grief will create a changed you, a you who has not only survived but who has learned to thrive again in a new form and in a new way.

And just as love connects you to others, so should grief. You need the listening ears and open hearts of others as you express your thoughts and feelings about the death. You need the support of others as you mourn.

Yes, love and grief are both greater than the sum of their parts. The lesson I take from this is that whenever you engage fully and openly in life, experiencing both the joys and the sorrows head-on, you are living the life you were meant to live.

About the Author:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt is a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Wolfelt has written many compassionate, bestselling books designed to help people mourn well so they can continue to love and live well, including Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out, from which this article is excerpted. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about the natural and necessary process of grief and mourning and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.

Dec 30

Love0

Two people holding a small chocolate birthday cake with white icing

10 Ways to Celebrate a Loved One’s Memory on their Birthday

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Memorial

After losing a loved one, the act of remembrance is essential to the healing process. Memories and cherished moments bring comfort and peace during the difficult process of grief. While you will always miss the person who has died, you can keep their memory alive in your heart and memory. One way you can honor and remember them is by celebrating their birthday every year. But what does that look like? Let’s review 10 ideas for celebrating a loved one’s memory on their birthday.

1. Organize a gathering with family and friends

If you love hosting and having people around you, consider throwing a birthday party for your lost loved one. Instead of gifts, guests can bring their favorite memories to share over the dinner table. Display photos, bring out your loved one’s favorite dishes, and place your loved one’s photo in a place of honor at the table. Coming together with others may be just the right balm for your heart as you mark a lost loved one’s birthday.

2. Cook their favorite meal

If you don’t feel up to a full gathering, keep it simple by cooking your loved one’s favorite meal for your immediate family. As you prepare their signature dish, place a photo of your loved one nearby. Then, once everyone is settled at the table, swap stories about your lost loved one and laugh together as you celebrate their birthday and their life. In this way, you can combine the comfort of food with the comfort of your memories.

3. Write them a letter

Words are powerful, and writing down your thoughts can be a therapeutic and effective way to process what you’re feeling. As you write, you could express your feelings, share life updates, or simply tell your loved one how much you miss them. If you want an extra touch, choose a birthday card at the store and write your letter inside. Then, you can leave the letter at their graveside or place it in a memory box where you can come back to it in future years.

4. Start a birthday tradition

If you like the idea of creating a ritual you can revisit year after year, consider starting a birthday tradition on your loved one’s birthday. Did they love apple pie? Eat a slice on their birthday every year. Did they adore When Harry Met Sally or Die Hard? Watch the movie, even if it’s the wrong time of year. Did they love taking walks? Get outside and breathe in the crisp air. Simply choose a birthday tradition that’s doable and look forward to it every year.

5. Give a memorial donation

If your loved one was active in the community or did regular volunteer work, then giving a memorial donation may be an excellent way to honor their memory. Consider giving to an organization they were passionate about. Alternatively, if they suffered from a disease, you could give toward medical research seeking a cure and treatment options. By giving a memorial donation in your loved one’s name, you extend their positive impact on the world.

6. Visit their final resting place

Another activity to consider is visiting your loved one’s final resting place. If the cemetery allows it, bring a birthday bouquet or a birthday balloon. Sit down and give your loved one an update on the past year of your life. If your person wasn’t laid to rest in a cemetery, visit a place that is particularly meaningful to the two of you. It doesn’t really matter where you go, as long as you feel a connection and kinship to the person who has died.

7. Share a post on social media

Social media is a big part of life today, and it can be a great place to publicly honor and remember a loved one. Take your time crafting a heartfelt message and selecting meaningful photos. If you wish, you could ask people to share a favorite memory or leave a message of remembrance in the comments. When you’re hurting, it can be comforting to know you aren’t alone and that other people miss your person, too.

8. Participate in their favorite hobby

Did your loved one have a favorite hobby or pastime? In honor of their birthday, you could jump in and participate. For the painters, sign up for a class at the local Paint & Sip. For the marathon runners, sign up for a 5k (you can walk, no running required). For the crafters, spend time learning how to embroider, quilt, or crochet. For the golfers, take the whole family to mini golf. No matter what your loved one’s interests were, you can use them to honor your loved one’s birthday.

9. Wear something meaningful for the day

What you wear is a form of expression. On your lost loved one’s birthday, you can express your love for them through your wardrobe. You could wear their favorite color or a piece of jewelry that once belonged to them. You could pull on fuzzy cat socks or paint your nails that signature blue. Whatever it is, wearing a physical reminder can brighten your day and hopefully bring a smile to your face amidst any sadness you’re feeling.

10. Perform random acts of kindness

Lastly, give kindness to others on behalf of your loved one. For one mother who lost her young daughter, this meant paying for another child’s birthday cake in her daughter’s memory. For you, this could mean so many things. Paying for the person’s order behind you in the drive-thru. Taking cookies to work. Smiling at people at the store. Giving a bigger tip. Big or small, a simple act of kindness can lift the heart – yours and the other person’s.

Remember, this is just a list of possible ideas. Get creative and identify the most meaningful way for you to honor your loved one’s memory on their birthday. And if it’s hard to think about “celebrating” anything right now, that’s okay. You can come back to this list of ideas at a future date when you’re ready. Each year may look different as your loved one’s birthday comes and goes, but your love for them will remain forever and always.

Dec 23

Love0

Sharing Your Story with Legacy Projects

By Kaylan Frank Educational, Grief/Loss, Memorial

Acknowledging our own mortality can feel uncomfortable, but deep down, we all want to be remembered after we’re gone – not just for the things we accomplished, but for who we are. Every person’s life tells a unique story, a treasure trove of wisdom, love, and experiences worth sharing. Unfortunately, too many of our loved ones’ stories go untold, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Legacy projects offer a meaningful way to share your story and support your family through the grief that comes after losing a loved one.

What are Legacy Projects, and Why are They Important?

Legacies come in many forms. Some are tangible, such as heirlooms or lasting contributions, while others are intangible, including the values we pass on and the memories we leave behind. Legacy projects help preserve your values, knowledge, and contributions in a meaningful way. They also allow you to weave your story with intention, building a bridge between your past and your family’s future.

Comfort, two people holding hands

But how do legacy projects benefit both you and your family? Legacy projects can create a map of meaningful moments that benefit both you and your loved ones on the journey through grief.

For you: This kind of project encourages reflection, providing emotional clarity while also giving you a way to pass down valuable insight, skills, and traditions. It could become a legacy that future generations continue, honoring your memory and the impact you’ve made.
For your family: Cherished keepsakes can serve as a physical reminder of you, providing comfort after you’ve passed. A project built around your story can bring people together and create a new tradition of sharing your life with those yet to come.

Additionally, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor and author with decades of experience helping the grieving, talks about how going backward through memories can bring comfort: “In my experience, remembering the past is the very thing that eventually makes hoping for the future possible. Mourners’ lives will open to renewed hope, love and joy only to the extent that they first embrace the past.” By helping your loved ones embrace the past, you help them process their grief and move forward to the good the future holds.

How to Choose a Legacy Project

When you set out to create a legacy project, knowing where to begin can be a challenge. Here are three thoughtful questions to consider if you’re ready to get started! These questions are designed to help you tune in, connect with your passions, and start shaping a project that truly reflects who you are.

How do you want to be remembered?

Take time to reflect on what is most important to you – your values, impact, and the legacy you hope to leave behind. Set aside time each week for quiet reflection. Keep a journal or notepad nearby to jot down your thoughts as they arise. Additionally, looking back at photographs, journals, or cherished memories can help guide you towards what project you want to create.

What has been meaningful about your relationships?

If you and a loved one shared an interest, then you might consider a legacy project around that shared topic. For example, if you and your daughter love going to see plays at the theater, you could create a scrapbook with photos, playbills, and ticket stubs. After gifting the project to your daughter, it will become a gentle invitation to revisit memories of you. Do you have a Sunday breakfast tradition with your grandchildren? You could create a Family Breakfast Cookbook and fill it with handwritten recipes, along with notes about the memories tied to each one. Like when your grandson flipped the pancakes too early, or the eggs you scrambled perfectly together. Think through your relationships and consider who might benefit from a legacy project based around a shared interest.

Do you have any hobbies that bring you joy or help you unwind?

Think about activities that are meaningful to you. Whether it’s knitting, baking, collecting, writing, painting, reading, or traveling, you can use your talents to create a legacy project that truly reflects who you are. Do you have a favorite spot at the park, a timeless handmade quilt, or an assortment of vintage cameras that you once used to document your travels? Whatever you choose, you can turn what you love into a lasting legacy.

If you get stuck, ask your family members or close friends for brainstorming help or reach out to those who may want to be involved in preserving your legacy after you’ve passed.

More Ways to Share Your Story

Even with the questions above to help, you may still feel unsure about where to begin. Here are some more suggestions to ignite your own imagination and get your ideas off the ground!

For the writers:

Journals or letters filled with words of wisdom are a powerful way to pass down values and life lessons to your loved ones when advice and encouragement are needed. You can even write letters for memorable milestones like graduations, weddings, and other life events.

For the sentimental:

Photos and photo albums, both physical and digital, can serve as visual stories to spark conversations. Memory capsules are another way to pass sentimental items on to your loved ones to help them heal.

For the foodies:

Do you have a secret recipe, or is there a dish you make that everyone loves? Creating a recipe book or curating a box of favorite recipes is a meaningful way to pass your legacy down through the memories tied to smell and taste.

For the tech-savvy:

Digital videos and voice recordings are an excellent way for your loved ones to revisit time spent with you. This type of project will help preserve your laughter and presence in a form that can be replayed, bringing comfort and maybe even joy in grief.

For the adventurers:

Talk with your loved ones about meaningful memorials. Have you thought about a bench in your favorite park or a plaque at your most visited ballfield? Additionally, if you’re considering cremation, you might ask your family to scatter your remains in a place that holds special meaning.

For the collectors:

Your treasured collections, such as cameras, art, model trains, or sports memorabilia, carry stories and significance. Passing them on as meaningful gifts ensures that your interests continue to inspire.

For the creatives:

Do you have a portfolio or print pieces that include photography or paintings you’ve created? Have you written poetry or music that you would like to be kept in the family? These items can offer comfort and connection, helping your loved ones feel close to you through art or music.

For the readers:

Some books have been in the family for generations as cherished heirlooms. For example, a father or grandfather might read a story every holiday season, and family members may want to carry on the tradition! If your collection holds sentimental or historical value, consider how you’d like it to be preserved.

For the philanthropists:

Do you have a favorite nonprofit organization that you regularly donate to? Would you like for someone in your family to continue supporting a cause in your name? Discuss the possibility of donating to a foundation of your choice with your loved ones.

For the old souls:

Does your family have a special tradition or any beloved items that have been passed down through generations? Family Bibles, antique furniture, jewelry, and quilts can be wonderful items to pass down through the family tree.

Start Telling your Story Today!

Hopefully your creativity is sparking, and you’ve come up with an idea for a legacy project (or even several!). While it may be uncomfortable to think about the end of your life, there’s comfort and healing in telling your story.

A gentle exploration of how you want to be remembered can be a powerful and grounding experience. Completing a legacy project and gifting it to someone you love creates an emotional impact that lasts. For years to come, they’ll have something that’s tangible and meaningful to help them connect back to you. How would you like your story to be told?

Dec 09

Love0

Tiles with happy and sad faces printed on them resting on a table with a person's hand splitting them apart

Funerals and Family Discord: What Can You Do?

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Planning Tools

Funerals can be difficult. Emotions tend to live closer to the surface. Then, add the struggles and intricacies associated with relationships to the emotional pot. Dealing with family discord or difficult people at an already challenging time is taxing. If you’ve lost someone you love, you are already feeling a wide range of emotions, and you may not feel you have energy left to deal with difficult people or situations.

Family discord or interactions with difficult people can happen at any stage of the funeral process. It may be that you and a sibling disagree on the best way to honor your parent’s life. Or perhaps someone you have intentionally avoided will be coming to the funeral service. No matter the details of your particular situation, you may feel your stress levels rising when you think about the funeral. If this resonates with you, take a moment to review some thoughts on how to navigate these tricky moments.

1. Be aware of your emotions

Our emotions are a gift, but they are also our responsibility. They tell us how we feel, but they do not always reflect the truth about a situation. We need to examine whether our feelings are based on faulty assumptions or real facts.

As you deal with family discord or difficult people, try to be mindful of your emotions and what they are telling you. But more importantly, ask yourself, “Are my emotions a reflection of reality or a result of my potentially faulty conclusions?” In other words, are you thinking clearly or through an emotionally-blurred lens? It’s important to answer these questions before taking the offensive against family members during a very emotional time.

Remember – you control your emotions; they do not control you.

2. Find ways to compromise

Compromise is a highly successful way to navigate discord, so be on the lookout for areas where you can give and take. In some cases, family members may disagree about funeral arrangements for a lost loved one. Some may prefer cremation while others may prefer burial. And if cremation is chosen, what happens to the ashes? Who decides?

These types of family disagreements are one reason why it’s so important to plan ahead for funeral arrangements. If a loved one provides an outline of their wishes, survivors don’t have to stress over what to do. They can have confidence in what their lost loved one wanted. But in the absence of a plan, find ways to compromise so that everyone gets a little of what they want.

And if you’re attending a funeral where you will see a certain family member you’ve been avoiding, remember what the service is all about. It’s about honoring and saying goodbye to the person who has died. Whether or not there is a possibility to repair the strained relationship with the living person, try to set aside your differences until after services are complete.

3. Choose your words thoughtfully

It’s always good practice to weigh your words in every situation, especially during a time of loss. Those who speak out of anger or pain are usually in a reactive state and may say something hurtful that they later regret. If tension is rising with family members, words spoken in anger will only make things worse.

Instead, work to stand up for yourself and express your opinion without attacking the position of others. Try to really listen to what others are saying and see things from their perspective before responding. Start your statements with “I feel” or “I think” rather than “You always do this” or “You make me so mad!” Using “I” instead of “You” statements will help you take responsibility for your emotions without accusing others and putting them on the defensive, which could escalate an already tense situation.

4. Discover what helps you cope with stress

Next, take time to understand your own needs.

We should always try to learn more about our own motivations and those of other people, seeking to understand why we and others act or react in certain ways. What calms you down? What is your outlet or release? For some, it’s painting or writing, working out, being alone for a while, or spending time with specific people who bring life and comfort.

As you approach a situation that may be difficult, do what you need to do beforehand to bring your stress levels down. Think about appropriate ways to express your grief, your anger, your frustration, or whatever feeling is rising up in you. Don’t bottle it up; channel it appropriately. If you do feel the need to express your emotions vocally, go to a room by yourself (or with a safe person) and scream or cry if you need to.

5. Try to take the higher road

When dealing with a difficult person, the last thing you may want is to be “nice.” If you and a sibling are arguing over a parent’s final wishes for the funeral service, you are likely more irritated than kindhearted at the moment. But that’s why it’s so important to look for a way to be kind.

As you seek ways to be gracious to those who are difficult, rude, or discourteous, you may even change the direction of the conversation. Even if they don’t respond to you in kindness, you can look back at the funeral and say, “I did my best in a difficult situation.”

In life, conflict is unavoidable. How we respond and deal with it is what truly matters. If you are looking for a way to avoid future family discord or an uncomfortable situation at a funeral, one option is to talk with your elderly, living relatives about making advance funeral arrangements. Putting a plan in place provides a valuable opportunity for families to get on the same page regarding future events and prevent as much disagreement as possible.

Nov 15

Love0

Father sitting next to young daughter, offering comfort at a sad moment

10 Ways to Support a Grieving Child During the Holidays

By christy.kessler Christmas, Grief/Loss, Seasonal

Grief can hit you hard any day of the year, but for many, the holidays are particularly difficult. The beloved traditions may not feel as joyful without the family member or friend who has passed away. While loss is difficult at any age, children experience it differently than adults. Because they are less able to identify their emotions and are still learning positive coping skills, grief can lead to outbursts of big emotions. So, as a caregiver, what can you do this holiday season to support the grieving child in your life?

1. Create Space for Their Emotions

Often, emotions are a bit paradoxical. You can feel joy and grief within moments of each other, which adults have learned how to manage. But for children, the tug between happiness and sadness may feel more extreme. To help them balance, create space for their emotions throughout the holidays.

Validate their feelings by listening and offering encouragement and comfort. Discuss how it’s okay to feel both happy and sad after losing someone. When a child is feeling out of sorts, invite them to draw a picture of a favorite memory or write down what they miss about the person. You could also encourage other healing actions, like taking flowers to the graveside, attending a remembrance service, or hanging a memorial ornament on the Christmas tree.

2. Encourage Open Dialogue and Connection

Children are still learning the social norms, so it’s not unusual for them to ask direct questions. Encourage this openness of communication. Read age-appropriate, grief-related books that will spark conversation. Ask open-ended questions like “What’s something you miss about [loved one’s name]?” Or sit down and play together while sharing memories.

If your child wants to talk about the death, talk about it. Children need to realize that death isn’t a taboo subject; it’s actually healthy to talk about what has happened because it helps them process difficult emotions. And don’t be afraid to show your own emotions during these conversations. By expressing your own sadness, you teach your child how to do the same.

3. Embrace Moments of Joy

Amidst the sadness, there are going to be times of joy during the holiday season. Take time to embrace those moments with your child. While grief is hard, it should not eclipse everything to the extent that there is no room for joy. And if you see that your child is having a hard time balancing their emotions and is slipping more into melancholy, create opportunities for joy.

You could watch a favorite holiday movie together or roast s’mores outside as the snow falls. Go shopping for presents together, decorate your home, or plan Christmas crafts that everyone will enjoy. Marvel over the neighborhood Christmas light displays or go ice skating at the local pond. And when grief inevitably hits, take time to acknowledge and feel it. Then, keep moving forward.

4. Take Time to Remember

One of the best tools you can utilize on the grief journey is the gift of memory. Though it may sound strange, looking back is the way forward. Respected grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt puts it this way, “In my experience, remembering the past is the very thing that eventually makes hoping for the future possible. Mourners’ lives will open to renewed hope, love and joy only to the extent that they first embrace the past.”

So, take time to remember this holiday season. Make a memory wreath or keepsake craft with your child. Bake the loved one’s favorite holiday treat or choose a special memorial ornament. Hang up the loved one’s stocking and fill it with notecards that share memories, prayers, or thoughts. Set an extra place at the dinner table or light a memorial candle in the window. There are so many things you can do to encourage remembrance and invite a loved one’s memory into your holiday season.

5. Maintain Routines with Added Flexibility

Kids thrive on routine, and familiarity can offer comfort and stability to a grieving child. While the holidays are often full of activities that aren’t the norm, you can adjust the family schedule if you or the kids are beginning to feel overwhelmed. As is appropriate, allow your child to decide which events they’d like to participate in, especially on days when they are experiencing particularly high emotions.

When you can, stick to bedtimes, chores, and other basic routines or expectations to keep a sense of stability and predictability in your family’s day. There will be moments when the routine is disrupted, and that’s okay. Just make sure that your child understands what to expect for the day, so they can prepare themselves for anything new or different.

6. Allow This Year to Be Different

As a caregiver, you may be tempted to make sure that absolutely nothing changes for your child’s holiday season following the loss of a loved one. While the idea comes from a good place, you don’t have to put that much pressure on yourself. It’s okay to allow this year to be different. Different isn’t bad; in many ways, it can be just what you need.

So, give yourself permission to talk with your child about skipping or modifying the regular traditions. Or start something new that requires less effort, like taking a memory walk or writing a holiday letter to your lost loved one. And for the activities you do participate in, let your child know it’s okay to take breaks when their emotions are running high.

7. Understand Developmental Perspectives

Children process grief differently based on their age, maturity, and understanding of death. Some kids may fluctuate between feelings of joy and happiness and feelings of sadness, frustration, and anger. As a caregiver, it’s important that you identify where your child is at developmentally, so you can meet them there and respond in an age-appropriate way.

Here are a few quick tips:

With young children, use simple, clear language and focus on reassuring them that they are loved and safe.
For school-age children, provide added space for questions and discussion.
With teens, be open and available for deeper conversations while also respecting their desire for privacy or independence.

For helpful information on developmental stages, check out this helpful resource from the Dougy Center, a national grief center for children and families.

8. Take Care of Yourself as Caregiver

In order to support a grieving child, you need to also take care of yourself. If too many holiday activities are causing you to be stressed and irritable, look at your calendar and decide what can go. If you’d prefer, choose low-key activities that won’t require as much mental or physical energy. And of course, make sure you are getting enough sleep and eating regular meals.

Also, pay attention to your own emotional state. Most likely, you are grieving too, and it can be tempting to set aside your own needs. However, as much as possible, take time to process your own feelings. You could journal, talk with friends, exercise, or get creative to express your grief. By addressing your own feelings, you ensure that you are more emotionally stable when dealing with your child’s grief.

9. Get Help from Your Support Network

Because the holidays are often busy, you may feel pulled in several directions. By asking your support network for help, you give yourself a little breathing room. And when there’s breathing room, there’s more space to actively engage with your child and pay attention to their needs.

In our culture that focuses on independence, it can be hard to ask for help. But oftentimes, people are just waiting for you to tell them how they can help. Call up your best friend or sibling to help bake cookies or take the kids to a movie. Ask a trusted neighbor if the kids can play at their house while you run a few errands. Schedule a babysitter so you can have a little time for yourself during the holiday hustle and bustle. You don’t have to do this alone because people want to help.

10. Look for Signs of Troubled Grief

And lastly, you can support a grieving child by looking for signs of troubled grief. Most children adjust to a loss and move forward, but sometimes, they may need an extra level of support. If your child is exhibiting the following behaviors, consider getting additional help.

Intense feelings of sadness, tiredness, or social withdrawal
Major changes in sleeping or eating habits that have a significant impact on daily life
Inability to talk about the death or appearing to be disconnected from reality
Expressing the desire to hurt themselves
Extreme separation distress or inability to separate from caregivers
Excessive preoccupation with the circumstances of the death
Reckless or risky behaviors, like using drugs, drunk driving, or stealing

Every child grieves differently, and there is no set timeline for grief. However, if any of these behaviors are present six months after the loss of a loved one and are impacting daily routines, consider having your child assessed by a mental health professional who is well-versed in the treatment of childhood grief.

Hopefully, these 10 suggestions will help you create a loving and memorable holiday season for your grieving child. Grief is a journey, not a task to complete. With your steady presence and loving support, your child can honor their loved one’s memory while discovering hope and meaning in the holidays—and beyond.

Nov 15

Love0

Woman in gray sweater holding wrapped gift

Giving Back During the Holiday Season

By christy.kessler Grief/Loss, Memorial

Losing a loved one can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, or disconnection, making you feel like you are all alone in your grief experience. That’s one reason why giving back can be so beneficial during times of grief and loss, especially around the holidays. Giving of your time, resources, or talents can break through the fog of grief and give you something positive to focus your energy on. For some, it can lead to championing change or finding an organization that brings you fulfillment and joy.

Woman in gray sweater holding wrapped gift

The holiday season can be particularly difficult following a death because your beloved traditions may not feel the same. Thankfully, it’s also a season full of opportunities to get involved, give back, and help those in need. Let’s talk about some national organizations you could get involved with this holiday season!

Toys for Tots

During the holiday season, many organizations focus on meeting the needs of children and bringing joy to their lives. Toys for Tots has been distributing gifts to children since 1947, and they are still going strong! While you may see Toys for Tots most often around Christmas, you can give to children throughout the year. To learn more about how you can get involved or to find your local chapter, visit their website here.

Operation Christmas Child

If you would like to bring joy to children around the world, consider whether Operation Christmas Child through Samaritan’s Purse would be a good fit for you. With their focus on spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ and caring for children worldwide, you can make a positive difference across the globe with minimal effort on your part. Whether you want to give gifts, pack boxes, or even volunteer with Samaritan’s Purse directly, you can learn more at the Operation Christmas Child website.

Angel Tree

A mission of the Salvation Army, the Angel Tree Program provides new clothing and toys to more than one million children in need every year. More than likely, you’ve seen Angel Trees in places of business in your community. Every tree is full of paper angels, and on each one, you will find a child’s name, their clothing sizes, and a few toy ideas. You can then purchase gifts with that specific child’s needs in mind. For more information about the Angel Tree Program and other Salvation Army programs, visit their website.

Make-A-Wish Foundation

The Make-A-Wish Foundation focuses on fulfilling the wishes of critically ill children and making their dreams come true. When you support this organization, you help grant wishes like going on special trips or meeting a beloved hero or role model. When a child is facing the difficulties of illness and continuous doctor visits, a little joy goes a long way. While the foundation grants wishes all year, the holiday season is a peak season. If you’d like to get involved, go to the Make-A-Wish website here.

St. Jude’s

A leading children’s hospital, St. Jude’s treats the toughest childhood cancers and pediatric diseases. Because families are already going through a tough time, St. Jude’s doesn’t bill them for treatment, travel, housing, or food. Instead, they believe no child should be denied treatment based on their family’s inability to pay. That’s why St. Jude’s fundraises every year, particularly around the holiday season. To help families experiencing medical hardship, visit St. Jude’s website and consider whether you want to support their mission.

Wreaths Across America

If you have a strong love and support for military members, consider getting involved with Wreaths Across America. This organization’s goal is to place a holiday wreath on the graves of as many military members as possible as an act of remembrance. Not only can you sponsor wreaths, but you can also volunteer to place wreaths on graves and personally honor the service and sacrifice of so many. To learn more, visit Wreaths Across America.

Operation Homefront

This caring organization focuses on meeting the short-term financial and physical needs of struggling military families. With many different programs, Operation Homefront seeks to meet needs across many fronts. From veteran housing to holiday meals to school supplies, more than 57,000 requests have been met and fulfilled. If veterans and military families are a passion for you, look over Operation Homefront’s website and decide if they are a good fit for you.

These are just a small sampling of the options that are available to you. So many worthy organizations could benefit from your time, your resources, and your talents. And don’t forget to look at your local options, too!

Support Local Organizations

In addition to these national-level organizations, you can also look into your local community for opportunities to give back and get involved. Here are a few ideas:

Donate funds or goods to your local food bank
Participate in a 5K that benefits a local charity or service
Support your local animal shelter by volunteering to care for the animals
Ask churches what ministries need help and jump in
Research the non-profits in your area to see if any align with your personal passions
Give blood at the local hospital and save lives
Volunteer at your local homeless shelter or halfway house
Talk with local hospitals or nursing homes for volunteer opportunities

And the list goes on! Your community is going to have unique options for getting involved and giving back. With a little research or asking around, you’ll find so many ways that you can make a positive difference.

Young person placing comforting hand on older person's hand, which is resting on a cane at Christmas

As you get involved, find ways to intentionally honor your lost loved one’s memory. Give a donation in their name. Volunteer at a charity that focuses on something they were passionate about. Or simply wear a T-shirt with their name on it. You may even have a chance to talk about your loved one and ensure that their memory lives on. No matter which organizations appeal to you, find a way to give back this holiday season. It can help you focus on the good and find a little joy in the midst of your grief.

For more resources on grieving during the holidays, check out these helpful articles:

Oct 15

Love0

Succulent plant next to two blocks that read "Build Resilience"

5 Ways Gratitude Builds Resilience After Loss

By christy.kessler Educational, Grief/Loss

Love brings great joy into our lives, and because of how deeply we love, it can also bring our greatest sadness. After losing a loved one, you may feel lost, adrift, and unsure how to face the future. Thankfully, there are real, practical habits you can use to help you heal. One of those habits is participating in daily gratitude. Research shows that gratitude can help you build resilience, and resilience after loss is essential to moving forward in a healthy and beneficial way.

What is Resilience?

Resilience is your ability to adapt to a stressful situation. Being resilient doesn’t mean you don’t experience pain; it means that you can adapt and cope with the ups and downs of life. Many psychologists believe resilience is comprised of several qualities, including honesty, humility, optimism, empathy, and patience. Each of these traits can help you combat stress, cope with adversity, and bounce back stronger.

How Does Gratitude Build Resilience?

Research shows that gratitude bolsters our emotional resilience by motivating us to focus on the positive things in life. By intentionally looking at the good things, many people find it easier to balance the difficult things. Grief can make you turn inward, and expressing gratitude forces you to get out of your head and focus on the positive happening around you.

Here are 5 ways gratitude builds resilience:

1. Encourages Positive Reframing

Small yellow blocks that show moving from sad to happy

Practicing gratitude is not about minimizing or ignoring the grief you feel. Instead, it’s about reframing your perspective. By taking time each day to identify something positive, you broaden your point of view. Yes, grief is hard, but good still exists. You have lost someone you love, which is devastating and life-altering, but what good things still exist to anchor you? Think about your family, your pets, your friends, your passions, your hobbies, or your volunteer projects. By taking the bad with the good, you can reframe your perspective and build your resilience.

2. Reduces Stress and Anxiety

Young woman in yellow beanie hat and sweater standing calming and peacefully

Grief can bring every kind of emotion – sadness, anger, regret, and even guilt. Each person experiences a loss differently, and sometimes, it can feel very negative. Naturally, difficult emotions aren’t easy, and they may spark feelings of stress and anxiety. But practicing gratitude can help! By taking time to appreciate the good things in your life, you can redirect your thoughts and create a greater sense of peace and calm. And of course, this more relaxed mindset will lead to less stress and anxiety.

3. Improves Mental Health

Mature woman looking serenely out the window of her home

Research shows that giving or receiving gratitude releases dopamine and serotonin, both of which are considered the brain’s “feel-good” chemicals. These positive feelings decrease stress, depression, and anxiety while increasing happiness, calm, and contentment. By practicing gratitude daily, you can strengthen your resilience and positively impact your mental health.

4. Promotes Physical Health

Man and woman exercising outside

For some people, grief brings negative thoughts and emotional turmoil, which, in turn, can affect sleep. By improving your mental health through practicing gratitude, you can improve your sleep. Plus, grateful people are more likely to engage in other positive behaviors, such as regular exercise, eating well, and attending regular medical check-ups. All of these elements come together to create higher resilience and a better you.

5. Enhances Social Connections

Friends sitting together in a home, talking and laughing together

Everyone needs to feel appreciated and seen. By spending time with friends and family and telling them what you appreciate about them, you create an extensive support network. While having people by your side is important in the happy times, it can be even more valuable in the difficult times. When you create positive relationships around you, people tend to reciprocate, creating a cycle of kindness and support. This support is essential to building resilience because you aren’t meant to do life alone. You need loving, supportive people around you.

How Do I Create a Gratitude Habit?

There are so many ways to implement consistent gratitude practices into your life. You can choose what best fits your personality and needs. It doesn’t have to be time-consuming or complicated. It simply needs to be effective, so try out a few ideas to see what works best for you.

Start a Gratitude Journal: With just a few minutes a day, you can start expressing gratitude. Write down three things you’re grateful for and make sure to write something different each day.
Write Gratitude Letters: If there are particular people you’d like to thank, sit down and write them a letter expressing your appreciation. This small act will boost your mood and make the recipient feel valued.
Use an App: There are a lot of great phone apps out there to encourage daily gratitude. Find one that looks good to you and get started right away!
Practice Mindful Gratitude: When you start to feel overwhelmed, take a moment to pause and take a deep breath. Focus on something or someone you’re grateful for. This practice will help you calm your thoughts and bring you back to the present.
Add Gratitude to Your Conversations: Another option is to intentionally add gratitude to your conversations with other people. Whether it’s a family member, coworker, or even a total stranger, telling someone you’re grateful for even the smallest act can strengthen relationships and spread positivity.
Take Gratitude Walks: Being out in nature has a calming and clarifying effect. A few times a week (or more often, if you prefer), go outside to enjoy the sky, the season, and the life around you. As you go, make note of the things you’re grateful for.

Don’t Forget to Pay Attention to Your Own Needs

The more you practice gratitude, the easier it will become. Think about what makes you happy. What nice thing have you done for someone today? And what nice thing has someone done for you? As you cultivate an attitude of gratitude, your resilience will increase. While the difficult will still be difficult, you will have the ability to counteract it with the positive. And that is the definition of resilience.

If you continue to struggle with loss, depression, guilt, heartbreak, or another consuming emotion, don’t be discouraged. Consider speaking with a grief counselor or a mental health professional. While practicing gratitude is incredibly impactful, you may need to pair it with other coping mechanisms. Pay attention to yourself and your needs. Get additional help. In time, your resilience will grow, and your grief will become less sharp. You will always miss the person you’ve lost, but it is possible to see your life transform into something different that’s still good.

Sep 10

Love0

Four children sitting at a table working on fall crafts

10 Fall Remembrance Crafts for Grieving Kids

By christy.kessler Children, Grief/Loss

When grief comes, it touches every member of the family, children included. And in some ways, children may have a harder time because they haven’t yet learned how to identify their emotions accurately. That’s why they need caring adults around to help them grieve and work through their emotions. If there’s a grieving child in your life this fall, consider using these remembrance crafts to help them talk through their feelings.

1. Memory Box

First, you might consider putting together a memory box. The child can interact with the items regularly and keep the person’s memory alive. You could include clothing, jewelry, photos, or cherished items like a favorite trinket or even a blanket or stuffed animal.

Also, ask the child if there’s anything they’d like to include in the box. They may associate special memories with a certain item that will bring them comfort in the days ahead. And if you’d like to add a creative element, decorate the outside of the box with fall leaves, pumpkins, or other décor that adds a personal touch.

2. Memory Mailbox

With this craft, you create an opportunity for a grieving child to share feelings, ask questions, and write down memories. Get a cardboard box, cereal box, or some other box-type item and decorate the outside. You can use a fall theme (like this turkey box), or you can decorate however you choose.

Once the box is ready, encourage the child to write down questions or their feelings on pieces of paper. It could be as simple as “I miss Gigi” or “Where did Mommy go?” They could also write down their favorite memories or draw pictures. Then, as new pieces of paper are added to the mailbox, choose a time to talk together about these feelings and questions. This practice will give you an opportunity to talk, hear your child’s concerns, and care for their emotions. You could chat every day or once a week – whatever works best for your family.

3. Gratitude Pumpkin

While it may be difficult at first, focusing on gratitude after a loss can help you grieve. The practice of gratitude takes your eyes off the pain and helps you see the good in life. To help a child build resilience after loss, help them look for the good with a gratitude pumpkin.

Either cut out a large pumpkin or many small pumpkins. Then, encourage the child to write down things they are grateful for or miss about the person who has died directly on the pumpkin. If you make many small pumpkins, your child could write a single thought on each one. On the other hand, if you opt for a large pumpkin, they can write many different ideas on it. Either option will work well; simply choose the one you prefer. This intentional gratitude activity will help the child process what they’re feeling while also learning coping tips for how to deal with grief in the future.

4. The Grieving Tree

With this meaningful activity, your child can identify the things they have lost when a loved one died and the things that are still growing. On each leaf-laden branch of the grieving tree, you write seven things that are still growing despite the loved one’s passing. For example, “I trust in your love for me.” And on the ground next to the tree, list five things that have been lost, such as “hugging you” or “singing together.”

With this practice, both you and your child can sit in the loss for a time. While it’s hard to simply be still in the pain, it’s necessary for the healing process. By naming what is still growing and what is lost, you can take thoughts or feelings that seem ever-present and put them into words. For a full list of materials you’ll need, click here.

5. Bracelet or Necklace

Kids often love to create bracelets or necklaces with multi-colored beads. Take that natural interest and turn it into a remembrance craft.

The first step is to get string (or elastic) and a lot of beads. You could get many different colors, sparkling or matte, standard circular or specific shapes like pumpkins, flowers, or hearts. Also, get beads with letters on them. That way, when the grieving child creates the piece of jewelry, they can include the lost loved one’s name or a special message.

Once it’s complete, let the child wear the jewelry as often as they want. Some children may choose to wear it often, while others may place the bracelet/necklace on a favorite stuffed animal or even put it in a memory box.

6. Pumpkin Stress Ball

Some kids are more prone to stress and anxiety than others, especially following a significant loss. They may feel like their ordered world is turned upside down or afraid that something may happen to the other people in their life.

If you have a stressed child in your home, consider creating a pumpkin stress ball. Get some orange balloons and fill them with rice. Once you tie off the balloon, use a black Sharpie to draw silly Jack O’Lantern faces on it. Then, when the child is feeling stressed or anxious, they can give the balloon a squeeze.

7. Photo Frame

Another craft you can introduce is decorating a photo frame. Buy an unadorned frame, pull out the glue gun, and sit down with the grieving child to create a lovely home for a favorite photo. You could use artificial flowers or leaves, buttons, beads, or whatever you want. Depending on the child’s age, it might be best for the adult to handle the glue gun, but under the child’s creative direction, of course.

Once the frame is complete, add a photo and place the frame in a place where the child can see and interact with it regularly. The creative action of decorating the frame is healing but having the photo nearby will keep the process going.

8. Drawing

Perhaps the simplest craft is to allow kids to draw whatever is on their minds. All you have to do is provide all the appropriate materials: construction paper, white paper, pens, pencils, markers, etc. Then, give the grieving child a prompt, like “Let’s draw a picture of your favorite thing about Grandpa.” After that, the child’s creativity will take over.

You can join the child and make your own picture, talking together and each sharing special memories. Speaking about the person who has died will help the child understand that it’s okay to talk about the person (it’s not taboo), and it will give you an opportunity to share your own memories and grief. Children learn by example, so seeing you talk about your feelings will teach them to talk about theirs.

9. Flower Bouquet

Another craft to consider is creating a flower bouquet. You can go to the store to purchase artificial flowers and then work with the child to create a unique arrangement. Once the bouquet is complete, go to the graveside together and leave the flowers at your loved one’s final resting place.

Also, you can create a floral arrangement for every season. For fall, you might choose to focus on poinsettias, black-eyed susans, or other flowers that are in shades of yellow, orange, or cream that align with the season. You can even add a few tiny pumpkins or Halloween embellishments. Let the grieving child use their imagination to create something beautiful.

10. Journal

And lastly, for some children, expression through words is powerful. By creating a journal, you can bring together two kinds of creative expression: art and words. Encourage the child to write or draw in it as often they want. And if they need a new journal at some point, you can make another one together.

You can make this craft as simple or complex as you wish. For something simple, pull out two sturdy pieces of paper (construction paper or cardstock possibly) to act as the front and back cover. You could use orange paper for a fall twist! Ask the child to decorate both pages with pens, markers, paints – whatever they want. Then, get a stack of wide-ruled paper to act as the interior pages. Staple is all together, and voila! You have a homemade journal.

Many of these crafts can be used any time of year, but with a few tiny adjustments, you can tailor them to fit the season you’re in. With fall, steer toward yellows and oranges or pumpkins and corn. But no matter when you choose to implement these craft ideas, they can be an outlet that brings hope, healing, and remembrance.

Jun 03

Love0

Woman wearing black clothing holding bouquet of white chrysanthemums

Funeral Flowers Around the World

By christy.kessler Educational, Grief/Loss, Memorial

For millennia, flowers have been a universal representation of love, life, and loss. In many cultures, funeral flowers carry deep-rooted and cherished significance. They create a soothing atmosphere, evoke positive emotions, create connections, and convey messages of love and support. Today, let’s discuss several prominent funeral flowers around the world and why they may be more culturally significant in one area of the world than another.

White lily on black background

White Lilies

In many cultures, the white lily is commonly used for funerals. These trumpet-shaped blooms represent purity, innocence, peace, and the resurrection of the soul. Because of their close association with the soul, white lilies are often seen at religious ceremonies and other commemorative events in Western, Latin American, and Asian cultures. A traditional choice for funerals since ancient times, the lily is fitting for a time of reflection and mourning.

Bouquet of red roses with glimpse of green stems

Roses

Roses are practically synonymous with profound love. In Latin American and Western cultures, any color rose can be offered as a remembrance after a loved one’s death, though red and white are perhaps the most common. However, in some Asian cultures, the color red represents celebration and happiness, and because of that, red roses are inappropriate for a funeral. They use white instead for its connection to purity and reverence.

Marigolds in clay vase against wooden wall

Marigold (Cempoalxochitl)

Perhaps most well-known for its use during Dia de Los Muertos in Mexico, the marigold is considered the “flower of the dead.” Its color and fragrance are thought to guide the souls of the deceased back to the world of the living, where family and friends leave offerings to pay their respects. The bright, cheery color celebrates life instead of focusing on the bitterness of death. Additionally, the marigold is essential to Hindu funerals because it symbolizes the cycle of life and death, guiding the soul to its next incarnation.

Woman wearing black clothing holding bouquet of white chrysanthemums

Chrysanthemum

In many Asian cultures, the lovely chrysanthemum is closely associated with death and funerals. These delicate plants convey grief, lamentation, respect for the deceased, and condolence for the family. White and yellow are considered the most suitable colors. The chrysanthemum may also be used in Western culture funerals, though there’s less emphasis on specific colors. Instead, you can include chrysanthemums of any shade at a loved one’s final tribute.

Jasmine

While flowers are used more sparingly in Middle Eastern funerals, jasmine and white lilies are often considered acceptable choices. Jasmine is associated with death, remembrance, spiritual realms, and the afterlife. Some families may use the strong, sweet fragrance to scent their homes. Other families will leave the flowers at the grave to offer respect to the departed. Middle Eastern cultures often focus more on spiritual connection through prayers, but there is still room for personal expression through floral arrangements.

Lei

Hawaii is well-known for its use of the lei for many occasions. One of these occasions is the funeral, where the lei is used to express condolences and respect for the deceased and their family. In Hawaii, the lei represents love, respect, and the circle of life and may be worn by guests, draped over photos or the casket/urn, or set out to decorate the funeral service area. In some cases, the lei may be thrown out into the ocean, symbolizing the release of a loved one’s spirit. Various types of leis can be used, including maile, ti leaf, and orchid leis.

King Protea

The national flower of South Africa, the King Protea symbolizes strength, resilience, and the enduring nature of life. The flower’s ability to survive harsh conditions created a cultural connection to overcoming adversity and embracing the future. Because of its deep roots in South African culture, the artichoke-like flower is often used at funerals. It gives mourners a way to express their love and care for a lost loved one in a way that is uniquely suited to South African traditions.

Flowers are used all over the world to convey sympathy, respect, and remembrance. If you are selecting flowers for a culture that is not your own, consider asking which flowers would be appropriate. For example, flowers are not part of the Jewish funeral tradition. Because of that, they wouldn’t be the best choice for paying respects and supporting the grieving family. When in doubt, ask someone who knows, like a family member, friend, or even the funeral director.

If you’d like to learn more about funeral flowers, check out 7 Popular Sympathy Flowers and Their Meanings and Gifting Sympathy Flowers: A Practice that Goes Back Millennia.