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In this video, Dr. Wolfelt provides three different lenses through which we can view the process of grief and the movement from pain to acceptance.

Hello Before Goodbye

Throughout history, people have responded to the loss of loved ones by gathering together for days to be with each other and with the body. Today, we tend to adopt a mentality that encourages us to rush through the proceedings. Many of us feel that we must accept the loss quickly so that we can get the goodbyes behind us. Those who came before us had a better grasp of the concept of grief. They knew that to get to goodbye, you had to start with hello.

Darkness Before Light

Traditionally, people wore mourning clothes and death symbols when a loved one passed away. There was an understanding that downward movement in the psyche must precede any kind of movement toward the light. Now, there is a tendency to try to put a positive spin on everything. Common, light-based messages such as “God wouldn’t give you anything more than you can bear” may sound inspirational, but can actually be counterproductive to the health of those who are mourning. People must be affirmed when they are in the dark, for this is the path to eventual light.

Backward Before Forward

These days, most of the messages that people receive after experiencing a loss are forward moving: “carry on,” “keep your chin up,” “I’ve got somebody for you to meet.” But it is essential that we move backward before going forward. Once again, the wisdom of history prevails. Our ancestors understood the importance of taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture before blindly attempting to move forward. Taking the time to mourn, reflect, and support each other is a critical part of the healing process.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt discusses the importance of the body and shows how having the “guest of honor” present contributes to a healthy and healing funeral service.

Acknowledging the Reality of Death

Historically, the body was the focal point of the wake. Having the body present allows the reality of the situation to sink in. Often, mourners approach a body and literally say things like, “she really died.” While some people may think that this sounds strange, it’s a necessary part of the road to healing. It is important that you give yourself every opportunity to fully process the passing.

Referring to the Body

In an effort to emphasize the spiritual life or the soul of an individual, you may hear people refer to the body as a shell. While this is well-intended, it is often unhelpful. We shouldn’t underplay the importance of the body that animated life. We want to refer instead to the precious body of a loved one.

Hurting and Healing

It’s natural to feel conflicted about having the body present. You may think that viewing the body is going to hurt. But we can’t forget that hurting is a part of healing. By allowing yourself to face painful emotions, you open the door to growth and acceptance.

Recalling the Life

Often, friends and family will gather around the body to recall memories of the loved one’s life. For many people, it’s an essential element of the funeral process. Not everyone feels this way, but it’s important that we help people to understand its value so that they can make an informed choice.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt discusses how the eulogy allow us to process grief in a healthy and meaningful way:

Recalls the Life

The eulogy is a period of remembrance. The term eulogy is a faith-based term meaning, “to give praise or blessing to the life lived.” It refers to a period of time in the service where we go back and remember the life and legacy of a person who has died.

Tells the Love Story

A good eulogy tells the love story of the person who has died. The lives they touched, the difference they made, and people they helped…all these stories help to create a picture of the beautiful tapestry of a life well lived. Whether life was long or all too brief, the love story shared will inspire others to begin to understand the depth of the loss felt by those who survive.

Helps us Go Backward

A good eulogy helps us to reflect on the life that has been lost. After all, we must listen to the music of the past so that we can sing in the present and dance into the future. A ceremony that misses an element of going backward lacks an understanding of one of the basic functions of the funeral. A funeral is a rite of initiation; it gets us off to a good start. But we can’t start until we take a step back and reflect on where we have been and what we have lost. Only then can we begin to move forward in any kind of meaningful way.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt discusses the important role that grief plays in the funeral ceremony.

Celebrating a Life

Our culture encourages us to avoid sad or painful feelings. This mentality has colored our perception of funerals. Of course, funerals are celebrations of life. However, without an opportunity for the bereaved to mourn and acknowledge their feelings of sadness, we lose an essential function of the funeral. A celebration of life is not a party. Rather, it is a chance to honor the life of a loved one while coming to terms with the reality of the situation.

Paradoxical Emotions

Honoring a life does not mean that we should only focus on sad emotions. It’s good to share inspirational stories or humorous memories about a loved one. But grief is an essential part of the process, and the family and friends should feel comfortable expressing a wide range of emotions. Don’t be surprised if you experience paradoxical emotions at a funeral. Often, you will move quickly from laughter to tears, from joy to grief, and all of these experiences are healing and helpful.

Appropriate and Authentic Mourning

When we celebrate a life, we must be sure that we don’t deny others the opportunity to be appropriately sad. Matthew 5:4 tells us, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” As a community, we must acknowledge grief by creating a meaningful funeral experience that helps us experience a variety of appropriate emotions. In so doing, we will be able to comfort those who are mourning.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt dispels the popular notion that a funeral is an opportunity for closure.

A Rite of Initiation

In recent years, there has been a tendency to view the funeral as a way to provide closure for the grieving family. Historically, we know that this is inaccurate. Anyone who has ever lost a loved one knows that the funeral doesn’t signal the end of grief, but the beginning.

Grief Bursts

Sporadic periods of grief will follow those who mourn for the rest of their lives. This is not to say that healing isn’t possible. But we must remember that absolute closure is unobtainable.

A Good Beginning

We shouldn’t assume that the funeral will bring an end to the process of mourning. Rather, it’s a good beginning, the starting marker of a long road to healing.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt discusses the important function of the funeral procession and the impact that it has on the family and the broader community.

Honoring the Loved One

Historically, the procession has been called the cortège, which means “to pay honor.” The procession describes the act of accompanying the body of the loved one as it is moved from the funeral to its final resting place.

Community Support

A procession invites the broader community to show respect, comfort, and support for the grieving family. People who didn’t even know the member of the family can be a great encouragement by taking a moment to pause, reflect, and pay their respects.

A Tribute

The procession is an opportunity to accompany the body to its final resting place as one last tribute for the one who has passed. It’s a beautiful way to honor and celebrate the life of a loved one.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt discusses the heart graphic that he created as a tool to outline the elements of the funeral.

The Hierarchy

To convey the value of funerals, Dr. Wolfelt created a hierarchy that teaches the six basic functions of the funeral: reality, recall, support, expression, meaning, transcendence. To learn more about Dr. Wolfelt’s hierarchy,  visit the article, Why Do We Have Funerals?

The Heart

Because he wants to describe this process more fully, Dr. Wolfelt has developed a graphic that illustrates the pieces that work together to form a meaningful funeral experience. The heart graphic shown below shows how the various pieces relate so that a family can see how a funeral comes together to form more than the sum of its parts. The heart was chosen because it is a symbol of humanity’s well of reception. Unified at the funeral service, the individual pieces or elements, when combined, take on a special meaning. These elements are actions, the gathering, symbols, eulogy and remembrance, visitation and reception, music, and readings. The interaction of these pieces forms a unique experience, and this experience is the reason that we have had funerals since the beginning of human history.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.