In this video, Dr. Wolfelt discusses the important role that grief plays in the funeral ceremony.

Celebrating a Life

Our culture encourages us to avoid sad or painful feelings. This mentality has colored our perception of funerals. Of course, funerals are celebrations of life. However, without an opportunity for the bereaved to mourn and acknowledge their feelings of sadness, we lose an essential function of the funeral. A celebration of life is not a party. Rather, it is a chance to honor the life of a loved one while coming to terms with the reality of the situation.

Paradoxical Emotions

Honoring a life does not mean that we should only focus on sad emotions. It’s good to share inspirational stories or humorous memories about a loved one. But grief is an essential part of the process, and the family and friends should feel comfortable expressing a wide range of emotions. Don’t be surprised if you experience paradoxical emotions at a funeral. Often, you will move quickly from laughter to tears, from joy to grief, and all of these experiences are healing and helpful.

Appropriate and Authentic Mourning

When we celebrate a life, we must be sure that we don’t deny others the opportunity to be appropriately sad. Matthew 5:4 tells us, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” As a community, we must acknowledge grief by creating a meaningful funeral experience that helps us experience a variety of appropriate emotions. In so doing, we will be able to comfort those who are mourning.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt dispels the popular notion that a funeral is an opportunity for closure.

A Rite of Initiation

In recent years, there has been a tendency to view the funeral as a way to provide closure for the grieving family. Historically, we know that this is inaccurate. Anyone who has ever lost a loved one knows that the funeral doesn’t signal the end of grief, but the beginning.

Grief Bursts

Sporadic periods of grief will follow those who mourn for the rest of their lives. This is not to say that healing isn’t possible. But we must remember that absolute closure is unobtainable.

A Good Beginning

We shouldn’t assume that the funeral will bring an end to the process of mourning. Rather, it’s a good beginning, the starting marker of a long road to healing.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt discusses the important function of the funeral procession and the impact that it has on the family and the broader community.

Honoring the Loved One

Historically, the procession has been called the cortège, which means “to pay honor.” The procession describes the act of accompanying the body of the loved one as it is moved from the funeral to its final resting place.

Community Support

A procession invites the broader community to show respect, comfort, and support for the grieving family. People who didn’t even know the member of the family can be a great encouragement by taking a moment to pause, reflect, and pay their respects.

A Tribute

The procession is an opportunity to accompany the body to its final resting place as one last tribute for the one who has passed. It’s a beautiful way to honor and celebrate the life of a loved one.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

In this video, Dr. Wolfelt discusses the heart graphic that he created as a tool to outline the elements of the funeral.

The Hierarchy

To convey the value of funerals, Dr. Wolfelt created a hierarchy that teaches the six basic functions of the funeral: reality, recall, support, expression, meaning, transcendence. To learn more about Dr. Wolfelt’s hierarchy,  visit the article, Why Do We Have Funerals?

The Heart

Because he wants to describe this process more fully, Dr. Wolfelt has developed a graphic that illustrates the pieces that work together to form a meaningful funeral experience. The heart graphic shown below shows how the various pieces relate so that a family can see how a funeral comes together to form more than the sum of its parts. The heart was chosen because it is a symbol of humanity’s well of reception. Unified at the funeral service, the individual pieces or elements, when combined, take on a special meaning. These elements are actions, the gathering, symbols, eulogy and remembrance, visitation and reception, music, and readings. The interaction of these pieces forms a unique experience, and this experience is the reason that we have had funerals since the beginning of human history.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.

Having a visitation or viewing prior to the funeral ceremony can be of great value to a bereaved family. In this video, Dr. Wolfelt shows the history of visitations and why they are an essential element of the healing process.

A visitation is like a reception. It is less formal than a funeral ceremony and generally takes place a few days prior. It is a time to receive the love, comfort, and support of friends and family. A good time of visitation can help you in several ways:

Activate Your Support Network

The visitation plays a vital role in establishing a support network for those who are grieving. It also provides an opportunity for friends to gather together to pay their respects. In addition, the visitation serves the important purpose of communicating the family’s desire for fellowship. During such a difficult time, even the most caring of friends may not know how to respond. They want to help, but might find it difficult to know how to respond if no public ceremony or gathering is held. As a result, friends may decide to keep their distance out of respect for the family’s privacy. The visitation offers an opportunity for the bereaved to receive support during a painful time of transition. By having a visitation, the family sends a message to their network of friends, letting them know that expressions of love and sympathy are appreciated.

Acknowledge the Reality of the Death

Visitations provide an opportunity for the bereaved to come to terms with the loss. When grief is fresh, the first instinct of the bereaved is usually to gather with loved ones to tell the story and try to make sense of the loss. The visitation brings friends and family together to “tell the story” as a shared experience. Going over the last moments of life, the last time you talked with your loved one and the last words spoken, helps those who grieve to process the reality of the loss. Sometimes, the family is able to spend time with the body at a visitation, whether in the visitation room or in a more private viewing area. Being able to view the body can help those who were closest to the person who died come to terms with the reality of the death.

Share Memories

During visitations, stories are told, memories are shared, and the family is given a fresh look at how their loved one’s life had a positive influence on the world. You may choose to share photos, a memorial tribute video, or personal items that demonstrate your loved one’s life and values. For example, if your loved one was a quilter, an artist, or a collector, this is the perfect opportunity to showcase his or her life’s work. If your loved one enjoyed sports, golf, fishing, motorcycles, horseback riding, or any number of hobbies, you could display fishing gear, golf clubs, saddle and tack…even a motorcycle. Sometimes your friends and family will be able to share stories you’ve never heard before.

Holding a visitation before the funeral service allows your family to see the deeply personal impact that your loved one had on the lives of others. The visitation offers an opportunity to express sympathy, share memories, and support the bereaved. As one of the first steps in the grieving process, a good time of visiting with friends, neighbors, colleagues, and loved ones can set the tone for a special time of remembrance and healing throughout the funeral experience.

If the Funeral is Over and You Didn’t Have a Visitation…

It’s not too late to benefit from gathering together with friends and family. Many families gather on the anniversary of the loss or during the holidays and share memories, photos, and mementos. Maybe there was no time to create a memorial tribute video right after the loss, but one can be prepared for an anniversary gathering. It’s never too late to go backward and “tell the story” of your loved one’s life all over again.

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is an author, educator, and grief counselor with over 30 years of experience working with bereaved families. He has written many best-selling books on grief and loss, including Healing Your Grieving Heart and The Journey Through Grief. Dr. Wolfelt serves as the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Visit him online at www.centerforloss.com.