We experience
a wide range of emotions when faced with the death of a loved one. And those emotions aren’t the same for everyone. Perhaps, if everyone grieved in the same way, we could craft a formula for grief – something that worked every time. But that’s not how it works. There’s no “correct” response to death. Every grief journey is different, as are the emotions swirling around within us.
As you deal with emotional stress, it’s important to name your feelings and acknowledge them. Nationally renowned and respected grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt says, “
I have worked with thousands of grieving people and they have taught me about many, many different thoughts and feelings after a death. Rest assured that whatever you are thinking and feeling, while in one sense your thoughts and feelings are completely unique to you, they are also usually a common human response to loss.” Whatever you’re feeling – whether it seems typical or unusual – is normal. There are, however, a few normal emotional reactions that are often viewed negatively – ones that we think we shouldn’t feel after a loss. Let’s take a few moments to discuss them.
Anger
If you are feeling angry, you are not alone. Your anger may stem from feeling helpless, powerless, or abandoned. It may also be directed at someone or something in particular, like the doctors, your loved one’s health choices, God, or even life in general.
It’s important to remember that being angry is a normal response. As long as you don’t hurt yourself or others, it’s good to find a way to vent your feelings. If you are able to articulate what you feel, then consider writing it down or
talking with a safe person (either a counselor or a good friend). However, if your emotions are more explosive, you might try using a punching bag, running, or participating in some other physical activity to help you release your anger.
Also, pay close attention to your words and actions. You may be more irritable and easily triggered than normal, causing you to be short-tempered with those you love.
Anxiety, Fear
For some, death can stir up anxiety or fear. Questions may arise in your mind. Will I be okay? Does my life have any purpose after this? Will other people I love die soon, too? What if something happens to me?
Feelings of anxiety or fear are often triggered by feeling vulnerable or that your security is threatened. For example, a child who loses a parent may feel anxious or fearful about whether something will happen to their remaining parent as well. Other options are that fear and anxiety are learned responses (a previous experience has conditioned you to respond this way) or that you aren’t sure how you will be able to cope so your anxiety rises, or you are worried that other sad things might happen.
Guilt & Regret
Another common emotion after a loss is feeling guilty about what happened or what didn't happen. However, in many cases, it is misplaced guilt, though that doesn’t make the feeling any less real. Someone might feel guilty for not being a donor match, for not calling or visiting more often, or for not doing more to prevent the death (such as in the cases of depression,
suicide, or
substance abuse).
If you are dealing with feelings of guilt, remember that, while it’s a normal reaction to feel this way, your feelings may not be accurate. Consider why you feel guilty and whether you might actually be feeling regretful. There is a difference. Guilt, by definition, means that you have intentionally done harm to the person who has died. However, regret means that you wish you had done something differently. The main difference between the two is intent.
If you determine that you are guilty of some wrongdoing, look for ways to make up for your mistake – write a letter to your lost loved one to apologize or ask
forgiveness of other people affected by your actions. Also, try to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. On the other hand, if you are feeling regret, work through your emotions. Determine what changes you can make to avoid regret in the future.
Relief
Relief may be one of the most common yet misunderstood emotions a person may experience after a death. We feel so strongly that we shouldn’t be relieved that we sometimes hide the fact that we are. But
relief is to be expected, especially after a period of intense or prolonged suffering (as is the case with terminal illnesses). If a person dies after a long period of illness or was the cause (directly or indirectly) of increased stress in your life, it’s only natural to feel relieved when you are no longer suffering under high levels of stress. It doesn’t mean you wanted them to die or that you didn't love the person. It simply means that you have been through a difficult time and are now emerging on the other side. Relief is normal and natural in such circumstances. As human beings, we are complex and can feel both relieved and sad at the same time. What you feel does not minimize your love for the person or the depth of your grief.
A Few Tips for Dealing with Your Emotions
- Don’t bottle them up. Let yourself feel what you feel.
- Realize and accept that your emotions are complex.
- Find a way to express yourself.
- Give yourself time to grieve and process. There’s no rush.
- If you need additional help, consider joining a grief support group or visiting a grief therapist.
Taking time to process and confront your emotions is a necessary part of every grief journey. Experiencing any or all of the emotions we’ve covered is normal, as are others we didn’t cover, like sadness, numbness, denial, and confusion. However, as time passes, and you do the work of mourning, the emotional intensity should lessen. As Dr. Wolfelt puts it, “
Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person you have given love to and received love from will never be forgotten. The unfolding of this journey is not intended to create a return to an ‘old normal’ but the discovery of a ‘new normal.’”
Embrace your grief in all its complexities and allow yourself to feel all of your emotions (they are natural!). In time, if you do the work of mourning,
you will find your “new normal.”
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household
word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of
parting when we meet again!
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of
parting when we meet again!
by
CANON HENRY SCOTT-HOLLAND
While getting your affairs in order may feel like a daunting task, it makes the grieving process and closing out an estate much easier for surviving children and heirs. They won’t have to untangle any accounts or wonder how you wanted your property or assets distributed. Instead, they can focus on grieving, supporting each other, and remembering the relationship you shared.
And yes, the process of putting your affairs in order will take time, but there’s good news! Below, you will find a checklist of important documents to gather as well as guidance regarding other estate planning topics you should consider. Let’s get started.
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Step 1: Gather All Your Important Documents
The
information and documents listed below will apply to most families. However, there may be additional documents that are important to you and your family. The list below is an excellent starting place and covers the vast majority of what you will need. However, take time to sit down and think through your particular situation. You may find more documents to include.
Checklist
- Full legal name
- Social Security number/card
- Legal residence
- Date and place of birth
- Names and addresses of spouse and children
- Location of birth and death certificates and certificates of marriage, divorce, citizenship, and adoption (whichever are applicable)
- Employers and dates of employment
- Education and military records
- Names and phone numbers of religious contacts (if applicable)
- Names and phone numbers of close friends, relatives, doctors, lawyers, and financial advisors
- Medications taken regularly (keep this updated!)
- Location of living will and other legal documents
- Sources of income and assets (pension from your employer, IRAs, 401(k)s, interest, royalties, etc.)
- Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid information
- Insurance information (life, health, long-term care, home, etc.) with policy numbers and agents’ names and phone numbers
- Copy of your most recent income tax return
- Location of your most up-to-date legal will with an original signature
- Liabilities, including property tax
- Mortgages and debts
- Location of original deed of trust for home
- Car title and registration
- Credit and debit card names and numbers
- Location of safe deposit box and key
Special note: It’s important to keep your documents safe, especially in the face of natural disasters. One way to keep your documents safe is to purchase a fire and water secure case. But whatever you choose, find a way to keep your documents safe, secure, and accessible in case of emergency.
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Step 2: Consider Estate Planning
Estate planning is about ensuring that your wishes are carried out regarding your estate. While most of us don’t have a literal estate with a grand manor and a stable full of horses, we do all have an “estate.” In legal terms, an estate consists of everything you own – car, home, other real estate, bank accounts, investment accounts, 401(k)s, insurance policies, furniture, personal possessions, and even pets.
By determining what your wishes are, who will receive what and when, and who is responsible for executing your legal will, you participate in estate planning. If you are interested in estate planning, please review the questions below and determine if you have taken care of them fully.
1. Do you have a legal will?
Writing a legal will is one of the best things you can do for your family. To reduce the risk of misunderstandings, heartache, and the possible headache of taking your estate through probate court, it's best if you clearly outline who gets what and when. If there is no legal will, the state may determine the distribution of your property and assets. So, if you don’t have a legal will, your assets may not go to your heirs, depending on your state’s current regulations. If you would like to write a legal will, first talk with an attorney or try out a web service that specializes in legal documents.
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2. If you do have a legal will, have you appointed an executor? And does your chosen executor have access to and know where to find all of your important documents?
Above all, the executor of your will should be someone you trust. They will carry out the wishes outlined in your legal will to the letter.
3. Have you named your beneficiaries?
Beneficiaries are the people or organizations that will receive your assets and/or property after your death. In general, it is good practice to
double-check your beneficiaries every few years. This includes beneficiaries on your legal will and on any life insurance policies you may have with the purpose of ensuring everything still reflects your wishes. Double-checking beneficiaries is especially important with blended families as divorce or remarriage could change your chosen beneficiaries. To learn more, read “
Estate Planning for the Blended Family.”
4. Do you want or need a trust?
If you are unfamiliar with trusts, they are similar to a will. Both a will and a trust are meant to spell out your wishes regarding assets and property. The main difference between the two is that a will is effective only after you die and then must be probated (carried out) by the court system and your chosen executor. On the other hand, in the case of a trust, there is no need to go through the court system – your successor trustee (aka the executor) will carry out your wishes after your death as they are written in the trust.
Additionally, with a trust, your successor trustee can manage your financial, healthcare, or legal affairs if you become incapacitated while you’re living. Talk with an estate planner to see if this option is right for you. Typically, a trust is helpful for those with a large number of assets and property.
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5. Have you considered your digital estate?
If you have used an email account, a networking website, or bought items online, you have a digital estate. It’s just as important to determine the future of your digital estate as your physical estate. For suggestions on how to manage your digital estate, please read “
8 Tips for Managing Your Digital Estate” or “
How to Make Digital Estate Planning Simple.”
6. Do you have any dependents (including pets)? Have you made your wishes clear regarding their well-being?
Most people know that they should indicate who will
care for their dependents once they are gone. However, pets are also an important part of the family, and while we love them dearly, sometimes we overlook them in the estate planning process. To that end, make sure to include any veterinary documentation in your important paperwork and
outline who should take over the care of your beloved animals.
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Step 3: Look Into Advance Funeral Planning
No matter your level of interest, funeral planning needs to be on your list of things to do as you get your affairs in order. By writing down your funeral preferences ahead of time, you give your family a roadmap to honoring your life. Have this roadmap will take a burden off their shoulders and allow them to focus on loving and supporting each other.
For additional information on advance funeral planning, click on the links below:
Step 4: Write Out Your Advance Care Directives (ACD)
In short, an advance care directive (ACD) ensures that, if you become incapacitated, your medical wishes are known and fulfilled. Two documents, the
living will and the
healthcare power of attorney, make up an ACD. Sit down with your doctor and those closest to you and discuss what your wishes are regarding medical care. For more information regarding preparation of your advance care directives, read “
Developing Your Advance Care Directive.”
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Step 5: Keep It Current
Once you have your affairs in order, keep them up-to-date and current, especially your legal documents, beneficiary information, and most recent tax return. Make sure to appoint a new executor if the one you have currently chosen moves away or is unable to fulfill his or her duties. If you move, update your current address on all your documents, policies, accounts, and assets. At the beginning, it's quite an undertaking to gather all the information. But, once it's together, updating is simple.
Also, you might consider holding a family meeting to go over your wishes and your estate. For some families, this may not be pleasant or even possible. But if you can schedule it, a family meeting is an excellent time to let everyone know how your assets are going to be distributed. By being proactive, you can answer questions, set expectations, and hopefully, prevent any family disagreements over your final wishes.
DISCLAIMER: Individual circumstances and state laws vary, so only undertake estate planning with the help and assistance of an attorney licensed in your state.
