Funerals can be difficult. Emotions tend to live closer to the surface. Then, add the struggles and intricacies associated with relationships to the emotional pot. Dealing with family discord or difficult people at an already challenging time is taxing. If you’ve lost someone you love, you are already feeling a wide range of emotions, and you may not feel you have energy left to deal with difficult people or situations.
Family discord or interactions with difficult people can happen at any stage of the funeral process. It may be that you and a sibling disagree on the best way to honor your parent’s life. Or perhaps someone you have intentionally avoided will be coming to the funeral service. No matter the details of your particular situation, you may feel your stress levels rising when you think about the funeral. If this resonates with you, take a moment to review some thoughts on how to navigate these tricky moments.
1. Be aware of your emotions
Our emotions are a gift, but they are also our responsibility. They tell us how we feel, but they do not always reflect the truth about a situation. We need to examine whether our feelings are based on faulty assumptions or real facts.
As you deal with family discord or difficult people, try to be mindful of your emotions and what they are telling you. But more importantly, ask yourself, “Are my emotions a reflection of reality or a result of my potentially faulty conclusions?” In other words, are you thinking clearly or through an emotionally-blurred lens? It’s important to answer these questions before taking the offensive against family members during a very emotional time.
Remember – you control your emotions; they do not control you.
2. Find ways to compromise
Compromise is a highly successful way to navigate discord, so be on the lookout for areas where you can give and take. In some cases, family members may disagree about funeral arrangements for a lost loved one. Some may prefer cremation while others may prefer burial. And if cremation is chosen, what happens to the ashes? Who decides?
These types of family disagreements are one reason why it’s so important to plan ahead for funeral arrangements. If a loved one provides an outline of their wishes, survivors don’t have to stress over what to do. They can have confidence in what their lost loved one wanted. But in the absence of a plan, find ways to compromise so that everyone gets a little of what they want.
And if you’re attending a funeral where you will see a certain family member you’ve been avoiding, remember what the service is all about. It’s about honoring and saying goodbye to the person who has died. Whether or not there is a possibility to repair the strained relationship with the living person, try to set aside your differences until after services are complete.
3. Choose your words thoughtfully
It’s always good practice to weigh your words in every situation, especially during a time of loss. Those who speak out of anger or pain are usually in a reactive state and may say something hurtful that they later regret. If tension is rising with family members, words spoken in anger will only make things worse.
Instead, work to stand up for yourself and express your opinion without attacking the position of others. Try to really listen to what others are saying and see things from their perspective before responding. Start your statements with “I feel” or “I think” rather than “You always do this” or “You make me so mad!” Using “I” instead of “You” statements will help you take responsibility for your emotions without accusing others and putting them on the defensive, which could escalate an already tense situation.
4. Discover what helps you cope with stress
Next, take time to understand your own needs.
We should always try to learn more about our own motivations and those of other people, seeking to understand why we and others act or react in certain ways. What calms you down? What is your outlet or release? For some, it’s painting or writing, working out, being alone for a while, or spending time with specific people who bring life and comfort.
As you approach a situation that may be difficult, do what you need to do beforehand to bring your stress levels down. Think about appropriate ways to express your grief, your anger, your frustration, or whatever feeling is rising up in you. Don’t bottle it up; channel it appropriately. If you do feel the need to express your emotions vocally, go to a room by yourself (or with a safe person) and scream or cry if you need to.
5. Try to take the higher road
When dealing with a difficult person, the last thing you may want is to be “nice.” If you and a sibling are arguing over a parent’s final wishes for the funeral service, you are likely more irritated than kindhearted at the moment. But that’s why it’s so important to look for a way to be kind.
As you seek ways to be gracious to those who are difficult, rude, or discourteous, you may even change the direction of the conversation. Even if they don’t respond to you in kindness, you can look back at the funeral and say, “I did my best in a difficult situation.”
In life, conflict is unavoidable. How we respond and deal with it is what truly matters. If you are looking for a way to avoid future family discord or an uncomfortable situation at a funeral, one option is to talk with your elderly, living relatives about making advance funeral arrangements. Putting a plan in place provides a valuable opportunity for families to get on the same page regarding future events and prevent as much disagreement as possible.
