We experience
a wide range of emotions when faced with the death of a loved one. And those emotions aren’t the same for everyone. Perhaps, if everyone grieved in the same way, we could craft a formula for grief – something that worked every time. But that’s not how it works. There’s no “correct” response to death. Every grief journey is different, as are the emotions swirling around within us.
As you deal with emotional stress, it’s important to name your feelings and acknowledge them. Nationally renowned and respected grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt says, “
I have worked with thousands of grieving people and they have taught me about many, many different thoughts and feelings after a death. Rest assured that whatever you are thinking and feeling, while in one sense your thoughts and feelings are completely unique to you, they are also usually a common human response to loss.” Whatever you’re feeling – whether it seems typical or unusual – is normal. There are, however, a few normal emotional reactions that are often viewed negatively – ones that we think we shouldn’t feel after a loss. Let’s take a few moments to discuss them.
Anger
If you are feeling angry, you are not alone. Your anger may stem from feeling helpless, powerless, or abandoned. It may also be directed at someone or something in particular, like the doctors, your loved one’s health choices, God, or even life in general.
It’s important to remember that being angry is a normal response. As long as you don’t hurt yourself or others, it’s good to find a way to vent your feelings. If you are able to articulate what you feel, then consider writing it down or
talking with a safe person (either a counselor or a good friend). However, if your emotions are more explosive, you might try using a punching bag, running, or participating in some other physical activity to help you release your anger.
Also, pay close attention to your words and actions. You may be more irritable and easily triggered than normal, causing you to be short-tempered with those you love.
Anxiety, Fear
For some, death can stir up anxiety or fear. Questions may arise in your mind. Will I be okay? Does my life have any purpose after this? Will other people I love die soon, too? What if something happens to me?
Feelings of anxiety or fear are often triggered by feeling vulnerable or that your security is threatened. For example, a child who loses a parent may feel anxious or fearful about whether something will happen to their remaining parent as well. Other options are that fear and anxiety are learned responses (a previous experience has conditioned you to respond this way) or that you aren’t sure how you will be able to cope so your anxiety rises, or you are worried that other sad things might happen.
Guilt & Regret
Another common emotion after a loss is feeling guilty about what happened or what didn't happen. However, in many cases, it is misplaced guilt, though that doesn’t make the feeling any less real. Someone might feel guilty for not being a donor match, for not calling or visiting more often, or for not doing more to prevent the death (such as in the cases of depression,
suicide, or
substance abuse).
If you are dealing with feelings of guilt, remember that, while it’s a normal reaction to feel this way, your feelings may not be accurate. Consider why you feel guilty and whether you might actually be feeling regretful. There is a difference. Guilt, by definition, means that you have intentionally done harm to the person who has died. However, regret means that you wish you had done something differently. The main difference between the two is intent.
If you determine that you are guilty of some wrongdoing, look for ways to make up for your mistake – write a letter to your lost loved one to apologize or ask
forgiveness of other people affected by your actions. Also, try to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. On the other hand, if you are feeling regret, work through your emotions. Determine what changes you can make to avoid regret in the future.
Relief
Relief may be one of the most common yet misunderstood emotions a person may experience after a death. We feel so strongly that we shouldn’t be relieved that we sometimes hide the fact that we are. But
relief is to be expected, especially after a period of intense or prolonged suffering (as is the case with terminal illnesses). If a person dies after a long period of illness or was the cause (directly or indirectly) of increased stress in your life, it’s only natural to feel relieved when you are no longer suffering under high levels of stress. It doesn’t mean you wanted them to die or that you didn't love the person. It simply means that you have been through a difficult time and are now emerging on the other side. Relief is normal and natural in such circumstances. As human beings, we are complex and can feel both relieved and sad at the same time. What you feel does not minimize your love for the person or the depth of your grief.
A Few Tips for Dealing with Your Emotions
- Don’t bottle them up. Let yourself feel what you feel.
- Realize and accept that your emotions are complex.
- Find a way to express yourself.
- Give yourself time to grieve and process. There’s no rush.
- If you need additional help, consider joining a grief support group or visiting a grief therapist.
Taking time to process and confront your emotions is a necessary part of every grief journey. Experiencing any or all of the emotions we’ve covered is normal, as are others we didn’t cover, like sadness, numbness, denial, and confusion. However, as time passes, and you do the work of mourning, the emotional intensity should lessen. As Dr. Wolfelt puts it, “
Your feelings of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person you have given love to and received love from will never be forgotten. The unfolding of this journey is not intended to create a return to an ‘old normal’ but the discovery of a ‘new normal.’”
Embrace your grief in all its complexities and allow yourself to feel all of your emotions (they are natural!). In time, if you do the work of mourning,
you will find your “new normal.”
Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household
word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of
parting when we meet again!
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of
parting when we meet again!
by
CANON HENRY SCOTT-HOLLAND
Getting your documents organized can seem like a daunting task. Maybe you’ve considered organizing all the necessary documents and making all the right calls, but you just aren’t quite sure where to begin. Good news! Below, you will find a checklist of important documents to gather as well as guidance regarding what avenues to pursue while getting your affairs in order.
Gather All Your Important Documents
The
information and documents listed below will apply to most families. However, there may be additional documents that are important to you and your family. Think through any additional documentation that would be helpful and include it. The list below is an excellent starting place and covers the vast majority of what you will need to include when you start getting your affairs in order.
- Full legal name
- Social Security number/card
- Legal residence
- Date and place of birth
- Names and addresses of spouse and children
- Location of birth and death certificates and certificates of marriage, divorce, citizenship, and adoption (whichever are applicable)
- Employers and dates of employment
- Education and military records
- Names and phone numbers of religious contacts (if applicable)
- Names and phone numbers of close friends, relatives, doctors, lawyers, and financial advisors
- Medications taken regularly (keep this updated!)
- Location of living will and other legal documents
- Sources of income and assets – pension from your employer, IRAs, 401(k)s, interest, royalties, etc.
- Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid information
- Insurance information (life, health, long-term care, home, etc.) with policy numbers and agents’ names and phone numbers
- Copy of most recent income tax return
- Location of most up-to-date will with an original signature
- Liabilities, including property tax
- Mortgages and debts
- Location of original deed of trust for home
- Car title and registration
- Credit and debit card names and numbers
- Location of safe deposit box and key
An important note on how to keep your documents safe, especially in the face of natural disasters:
There are fire and water secure cases available for purchase that would be ideal for protecting your important documents. Often, the cases are small enough to carry and have a locking mechanism. Of course, there are other ways to keep your documents safe, but the main idea here is to consider how you can keep your documents safe, secure, and accessible in case of emergency.
Estate Planning
Estate planning is about ensuring that your wishes are carried out regarding your estate. While most of us don’t have a literal estate with a grand manor and a stable full of horses, we do all have an “estate.” In legal terms, our estate consists of everything we own – car, home, other real estate, bank accounts, investment accounts, 401(k)s, insurance policies, furniture, personal possessions and even pets.
By determining what your wishes are, who will receive what and when, and who is responsible for carrying out your wishes, you participate in estate planning. If you are interested in estate planning, please review the questions below and determine if you have taken care of them fully.
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Do you have a legal will?
In essence,
writing a legal will is one of the best things you can do for your family. To reduce the risk of misunderstandings, heartache, and the possible headache of taking your estate through probate court, it's best if you clearly outline who gets what and when. In fact, state law determines the distribution of a person’s property and assets if there is no legal will. So, if you don’t have a legal will, would you like to consider writing one? If you would like to write one, first talk with an attorney or try out a web service that specializes in legal documents.
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If you do have a legal will, have you appointed an executor? And does your chosen executor have access to and know where to find all of your important documents?
Above all, the executor of your will should be someone you trust. They will carry out the wishes outlined in your legal will to the letter.
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Have you named your beneficiaries?
Beneficiaries are the people or organizations that will receive your assets and/or property after your death. In general, it is a good practice to double-check who your beneficiaries are on your legal will and on any life insurance policies you may have so that you may ensure that everything still reflects your wishes.
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Do you want or need a trust?
If you are unfamiliar with trusts, they are similar to a will. Both a will and a trust are meant to spell out your wishes regarding your assets and property. The main difference between the two is that a will is effective only after you die and then must be probated (carried out) by the court system and your chosen executor. On the other hand, in the case of a trust, there is no need to go through the court system – your successor trustee (the executor, if you will) would carry out your wishes after your death as they are written in the trust.
Additionally, with a trust, your successor trustee can manage your financial, healthcare, or legal affairs if you become incapacitated. Talk with an estate planner to see if this option is right for you. Typically, a trust is helpful if you have a large number of assets and property.
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Have you considered your digital estate?
If you have used an email account, a networking website, or bought items online, you have a digital estate. It’s just as important to determine the future of your digital estate as your physical estate. For suggestions on how to manage your digital estate, please click
here.
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Do you have any dependents (including pets)? Have you made your wishes clear regarding their well-being?
Most people know that they should indicate who will care for their dependents once they are gone. However, pets are also an important part of the family, and while we love them dearly, sometimes we overlook them in the estate planning process. To that end, make sure to include any veterinary documentation in your important paperwork and outline who should take over the care of your beloved animals.
Funeral Planning
No matter your level of interest, funeral planning needs to be on your list of things to do as you get your affairs in order. For additional information, click on the links below:
Advance Care Directive (also known as Advance Healthcare Directive)
In short, an advance care directive (ACD) ensures that, if you become incapacitated, your medical wishes are fulfilled. Two documents, the living will and the healthcare power of attorney, make up an ACD. It is important to sit down with those closest to you and decide what your wishes are regarding medical care. Not to mention, the decisions you make today will help your loved ones in the future. For more information regarding preparation of your advance care directives, click
here.
Keep It Current
It’s very important to remember to keep your information current, most especially regarding your legal documents and beneficiary information. Wherever you keep this information, you will also need to update your tax return yearly. Make sure to appoint a new executor if the one you have currently chosen moves away or is unable to fulfill his or her duties. If you move, make sure to update your current address on all your documents, policies, accounts, and assets. At the beginning, it's quite an undertaking to gather all the information. But, once it's together, updating is simple.
Also, you might consider holding an annual or biannual family meeting to go over your wishes and your estate. For some families, this may not be pleasant or even possible. But if you can schedule family meetings, it’s an excellent time to let everyone know how your assets are going to be distributed. This will give you the opportunity to answer their questions, set their expectations, and hopefully, prevent any family disagreements over your final wishes.
