Pathways Issue 3

“The word ‘bereaved,’ which to our modern-day ears can sound like an old-fashioned term that only a funeral director might use, means ‘to be torn apart’ and ‘to have special needs.’ So, despite its obsolescence, the word is still accurate and useful. Perhaps your most important ‘special need’ right now is to be compassionate with yourself. In fact, the word ‘compassion’ means ‘with passion.’ Caring for and about yourself with passion is self-compassion.” – Dr. Alan Wolfelt Grief is hard. It’s unpredictable and grueling. It’s mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing. It is almost like a fog descends around you, and everything looks somewhat gray and dim. Depending on the nature of your loss, these feelings may persist for quite some time. That’s why self-care is so important. Every person’s grief journey is different, encompassing a range of emotions and an unknown time span, but in the midst of it all, taking care of yourself is important. You may not feel like making the effort, but self-care may be one of the most beneficial things you do for yourself. When you think about self-care, personal fitness may first come to mind, but really, it’s a much broader term. It does mean taking care of yourself physically, but it also encompasses your emotional, spiritual, cognitive, and even social health. So, what can you do to take care of yourself while you’re grieving?

1. Don’t be afraid of your feelings.

You feel what you feel. It is what it is, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the emotions that may be coursing through you. We all feel loss differently, and every loss is different because every person and individual relationship is unique. Try not to stifle or ignore your feelings; don’t stuff everything down. Instead, accept that you feel what you feel and that it’s okay.

2. Give yourself time.

Grief is a journey, not an event. You will need time to come to grips with what life looks like without your loved one. You aren’t necessarily going to spring back into life the way it was. It’s okay to give yourself a little space and to take more breaks. Grief is hard work, and you need time to work through it.

3. Find ways to express your grief.

What you do is going to depend on your personality. For some, it’s helpful to go out into the backyard and chop wood or go to the batting cages and just whack the balls over and over again. For others, creative expression is helpful. Many times, journaling, creative writing, painting, drawing, arts & crafts, or other types of self-expression help us make sense of the seemingly senseless feelings going on inside. And if you are a person of faith, prayer, meditation, worship, or traditional rituals can help you express your grief.

4. Don’t neglect your health.

Most people feel more tired and less energetic when they are grieving. For this reason, it’s important to get plenty of sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, try to stay hydrated, limit your caffeine intake, and make sure that your bedroom is dark and relaxing. Additionally, you should make sure that you are eating healthy foods and taking time to participate in some kind of physical activity on a regular basis. One thing to watch out for is numbing activities. It may start out as a coping mechanism but beware of allowing numbing activities to distract you from dealing with your grief. Common numbing activities are: food, alcohol or drugs, anger, excessive exercise, TV or movies, books, isolating yourself, shopping, or losing yourself in work. While these may help you cope, they don’t help you move toward reconciling your grief and moving into what life looks like after a loss.

5. Allow others to walk alongside you.

You don’t have to walk this road alone. In fact, it will be much less stressful if you do accept help from others. There’s an incredible scene in The Return of the King, the third installment of The Lord of the Rings. Throughout all three movies, Samwise Gamgee has faithfully walked alongside his dearest friend, Frodo Baggins. Together, as they seek to destroy a powerful ring and save all of Middle Earth, they face danger and hardships, feel lost and hopeless, and at one point, Sam even fears that Frodo has died. And then, the moment comes. Frodo is so near the end of this incredibly taxing quest – this journey that has sapped him physically, mentally, and emotionally – and he says, “I can’t do this, Sam.” After some fortifying words, Sam says, “I can’t carry it [the ring] for you, but I can carry you!” This is why we need friends along the hard journeys in life. They can’t carry our burdens for us, but they can help carry us along; they can provide the support we need to move forward and find new life and new meaning.

Self-Care vs. Keeping Busy

It’s important to remember that self-care is not about “keeping busy.” It’s about taking care of yourself as you grieve. Nationally respected grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt puts it this way: “Remember—self-care fortifies your long and challenging grief journey, a journey which leaves you profoundly affected and deeply changed. To be self-nurturing is to have the courage to pay attention to your needs. Above all, self-nurturing is about self-acceptance. When we recognize that self-care begins with ourselves, we no longer think of those around us as being totally responsible for our well-being. Healthy self-care forces us to mourn in ways that help us heal, and that is nurturing indeed.” Taking care of yourself will contribute to giving you the strength to face each day of your grief journey. There are so many ways to care for yourself, and it will vary from person to person. Some will find bubble baths relaxing. Others will care for themselves by exercising, talking with friends, taking walks, sticking to a daily schedule, or enjoying a daily smoothie. No matter what you decide is best for you, be kind to yourself. It’s okay to have a bad day for no apparent reason, and you don’t need to feel guilty when you have a good day or enjoy an activity. The grief journey is not about the pain disappearing; it’s about you learning to reconcile with your loss and finding your “new normal.” You may always deeply feel the loss of your loved one, but you discover what life looks like after a loss and find new meaning in it.

In my dual profession as an educator and health care provider, I have worked with numerous children infected with the virus that causes AIDS. The relationships that I have had with these special kids have been gifts in my life. They have taught me so many things, but I have especially learned that great courage can be found in the smallest of packages. Let me tell you about Tyler.

Tyler was born infected with HIV; his mother was also infected. From the very beginning of his life, he was dependent on medications to enable him to survive. When he was five, he had a tube surgically inserted in a vein in his chest. This tube was connected to a pump, which he carried in a small backpack on his back. Medications were hooked up to this pump and were continuously supplied through this tube to his blood stream. At this time, he also needed supplemental oxygen to support his breathing.

Tyler wasn’t willing to give up one single moment of his childhood to this deadly disease. It was not unusual to find him playing and racing around his backyard, wearing his medicine-laden backpack and dragging his tank of oxygen behind him in his little wagon. All of us who knew Tyler marveled at his pure joy in being alive and the energy it gave him. Tyler’s mom often teased him by telling him that he moved so fast she needed to dress him in red. That way, when she peered out the window to check on him playing in the yard, she could quickly spot him.

This dreaded disease eventually wore down even the likes of a little dynamo like Tyler. He grew quite ill and, unfortunately, so did his HIV-infected mother. When it became apparent that he wasn’t going to survive, Tyler’s mom talked to him about death. She comforted him by telling Tyler that she was dying too, and that she would be with him soon in heaven.

A few days before his death, Tyler beckoned me over to his hospital bed and whispered, “I might die soon. I’m not scared. When I die, please dress me in red. Mom promised she’s coming to heaven, too. I’ll be playing when she gets there and I want to make sure she can find me.”

From A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul, Reprinted by permission of Health Communications, Inc., Copyright © 1996 Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

We all want to leave our fingerprints on the world. When we reflect on our mortality, we inevitably wonder how we’ll be remembered and what we want to accomplish before passing away. In other words, what legacy will we leave? In such times, we often find that the things that occupy our time are trivial and unsatisfying. Acknowledging the reality that we will die allows us to put things in perspective and focus our energies on the really important things.

When you pass away, how do you want people to remember you? What are you passionate about? Answering these questions will help you make the most of your life and leave the legacy you wish to. Each of us has a unique opportunity to live a meaningful life and create a legacy that will inspire people. Here are some tips for building a legacy that will make a difference in the lives of others.

Identify the things that are most important to you

Before you start to build your legacy, spend some time in reflection so that you know what direction you want to go. As respected author James Cabell once said, “While it is well enough to leave footprints on the sands of time, it is even more important to make sure that they point in a commendable direction.”

Take time to determine your direction. What do you care the most about? What are your strongest beliefs and convictions? You may want to list the values that mean the most to you. Do you want to be known for your integrity, humility, generosity, or trustworthiness? Do you want others to see you as a leader? A hard worker? Someone people can always count on? Consider the person you want to be and write down the traits and values you want to strengthen to become that person.

Live your legacy in everyday life

Once you have your values laid out, you can look for ways to live them out and build them in yourself. Thinking about the story you want to leave behind can be helpful, but taking action is what truly creates your legacy. In the rush to create an inspiring and exciting legacy, letting big projects consume you can be tempting. But it’s also important to remember the small things: a kind word, a smile, an opportunity to laugh.

Think about ways you can live out your values. If you want to become more humble, you could find ways to serve others. If you want to be more generous, you can donate your money or time to a cause you care about. If you want to be known as reliable, show up on time and follow up with your commitments. By building the traits most important to you, you can live out your legacy every day.

Learn from your loved ones

There’s nothing better than the inspiration you get from the people you love. Do you admire the legacy of your parents or grandparents? Do you have a mentor you look up to or a friend whose life inspires you? Pay attention to why these people’s lives inspire you. You could even interview them to learn more about their story and perspective on life.

As you build your legacy, ask your family and close friends for feedback. Your loved ones know you better than anyone, and they can give you ideas about activities that could contribute to your legacy. If you don’t want to talk openly about your legacy, that’s also fair. But be sure to listen to those around you. Paying attention to the people who motivate you will remind you of what is important as you work to build a meaningful legacy.

Consider ways to pass on your legacy

Once you begin to live out your values, you can start thinking about how you want to communicate them to others. While living out your values will create your legacy, personal projects can highlight the story you’re leaving behind. You may want to write a book about something important to you. Or you could write a letter that contains life lessons you have discovered. You may get active in community service or donate to charities you find meaningful. Invest time or money in causes that you really want to support. By taking action and investing in what you care about, you inspire others to do the same.

Ask how your decisions could potentially impact others

When considering what projects to invest in, try to envision how your different options could affect people. While it is obviously impossible to predict how your actions will be interpreted after you are gone, putting some real thought into the results of your actions is beneficial. On close examination, you may see that some of your projects are more practical and beneficial than others. Since the activities you engage in represent an important part of who you are, make sure you spend your time in the best possible ways.

As you think about your legacy and the mark you want to make on the world, don’t lose sight of why you’re doing everything. Stop periodically to reevaluate your goals and intentions. Building a legacy is a great way to inspire others, but don’t let your desire to be remembered become an obsession that keeps you from living out your values. Focus on what matters most to you, and you can create a positive legacy.